#and the constant guilt trips
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I hope other people who have experienced trauma from the floraverse discord servers and the toxic environment from that circle know they aren’t alone, and that they are valid, and their feelings are valid. It’s not cool that so many get bullied due to others whims. there are others who have experienced the same sort of alienation, you aren’t alone and you aren’t bad for wanting to be treated humanly and with respect. No one should live with constant guilt trips, feeling like they are being scrutinized constantly, constant fear of being punished for any misstep, that feeling of oppressive control is incredibly detrimental to mental health. I hope everyone can find a place that isn’t only half safe, but fully safe, where your presence isn’t looked down on, tolerated, scoffed at, mocked or ignored. Where you feel safe to be yourself and grow without judgement and with love and respect. Half safe is not actual safe. You shouldn’t be shamed for being a human being and growing as a person, and I’m sorry and it makes me genuinely upset that shame is used as a weapon to hurt others there, it’s wrong and it’s hurtful.
#floraverse#I pinned my post about the experiences I sent through as well in my profile#I know lots of others have experienced bullying under the guise of guidance there and it’s straight up not okay#it was seriously so shitty for my mental health amd I still think about others who I saw go through similar treatment#people shouldn’t be made to feel like horrible people for mistakes and normal things it just gets so bad in there#and always there is the gaslighting and DARVO#and the constant guilt trips#it’s really fucked up
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my current plan re: tumblr is to use this site once a week TOPS at least until the US election in november, then maybe resume every day. i literally dont think the amount of anger i have over the stupid bullshit i have to see from people who think you should have to be guilty about everything you do and that feeling as much guilt as possible is peak activism is like sustainable in terms of purely like. my own health reasons. im being tested for hyperthyroidism and a number of other things rn bc of chronic pain + issues eating exacerbated by stress and i don’t feel like mass unfollowing ppl bc a lot of it is coming from ppl i care about
#it’s just the constant guilt tripping for me#like it’s not enough to do the right thing you have to let guilt weigh you down about things outside of your control 24/7#that’s literally how you develop Health Issues#it’s not how people are supposed to live and i know this bc i grew up in a religion based on an extremely similar mindset. lmao.#i’m probably going to be dealing with issues around guilt for being a bad person for the rest of my life after leaving mormonism#and this site feeds on that#considering the amount of this site’s userbase that has ptsd or moral ocd it just seems a bit ridiculous to have that approach no?
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thinking about taking a little bit of a step back from social media for a bit for mental/physical health reasons (as in: chronic severe anxiety is causing chronic health issues and I need to remove stress Somehow). I will still post art but I’m probably gonna make an effort to engage with my dash only minimally, if at all. (that being said I have very poor discipline so if you see me suddenly reblogging stuff out of nowhere just. roll with it)
#thinking about how social media doesn’t really give you the chance to choose when you’re ready to engage with the news#like I think the most healthy thing is to decide when you’re in an okay place to sit down and deal with the news#but social media is just. constant whiplash bombardment. advertisement cat video people are dying guilt trip fashion tiktok moral dilemma#anyways. dealing with some chronic pain/gi/minor dysautonomia stuff#and it is looking like the cause is a mix of hypermobile joint issues#and the side effects of being chronically stressed out and anxious for. literally my entire life#as in night terrors as a kid insomnia since infancy panic attacks starting in middle school type chronic anxiety#turns out the body being switched into fight or flight mode Constantly does in fact. fuck things up a little bit#there’s only just starting to be research into this but from how my doc explained it my nervous system is a little bit. busted#ANYWAYS. not to overshare. point is chronic health issues caused by chronic stress equals I need to get off social media#and as a disclaimer I have been to therapy (a lot) and I am on anxiety meds but my body physically does not know how to chill out#so removing stressors it is
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‘Honestly people don’t realize-‘ ‘I never see people talk about-‘ ‘How come no one mentions-‘ ‘Pretty funny how people seem to have forgotten-‘
EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME! FUCK YOU FOR ASSUMING EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT YOU KNOW AND ARE JUST IGNORING IT! FUCK YOU FOR ASSUMING EVERYONE HAS THE CLARITY AND STRENGTH TO TALK ABOUT EVERY IMPORTANT TRAGEDY HAPPENING RIGHT THIS GODDAMN SECOND AND YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW AND AND AND!
#I’m so sick of seeing these ‘hot takes’#why don’t you go looks in tags or something so you can find the people who are talking about the same thing and organize with them or whtvr#this constant guilt tripping and superior complex regarding those that are ignorant to the topic you really care about#maybe they’re not talking about Thing because they’re talking about Equally Important Thing that they care about#just!!!#expecting the randoms on the internet to be on the exact same wavelength and you and they’re ‘bad people’ if they’re not#as you*#I just don’t think guilting people for being ignorant is a great way to educate other :) just tell us what you want to tell us :)#am I making sense? idk#text
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Okay, yesterday was for crying and despair and anger, today is for continuing to live and fight and hope
#and hopefully tomorrow too#yesterday was rough i was angry and hurting but today i can definitely feel more hopeful#i just really needed to get those feelings out because i bottle up the negativity sometimes#and it really fucking sucked feeling like all of the intense stress leading up to the election didnt even matter#like i had to avoid social media for a lot of time bc of the constant guilt tripping posts#unfollowed a lot of people the past month. and i dont regret that bc i dont have time for that bullshit anymore#we're moving forward now and we are focusing on love and community care and joy#as ive been trying to do for months now and shamed for by people online constantly#not playing those games anymore. my emotions dont make me naive and carving out happiness and peace for myself is not complacency#its necessary for survival#and i dont have time for anyone who isnt on board with that#so. yeah. back to my mostly non political blogging bc tumblr is not where i do activism lol#win rambles
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God i miss privacy
#just holding out until the end of the month#can’t say I’m a big fan of being called a retard in my own home#or having no doors for privacy#or the constant vape#or the guilt trips#or the ‘if you leave the house you’ll get assaulted by a heroin junkie’#refusing to find somewhere else to stay whenever my friend stays the night#calling me stupid and lazy and just being generally cruel#I’ll get a whole 2 months to myself.
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I kinda feel like I'm falling apart
#woke up to get shouted at over dishes#and now im kinda having a crisis#i guess this is left overs from the other night#idk what im going to do#this last month or so ive been in a constant state of overwhelm#it feels like so much is happening always#and i can't relax#towards the beginning of last month i was having financial issues with school#i decided to work extra hours at work to pay for it#i eventually got those bills paid#but now im being expected to maintain that schedule on top of my schoolwork#every time i try to redo my schedule to where i get a fucking day off from school and work#i get fucking guilt tripped into just doing the same thing#which leaves me with very little energy to work with for my schoolwork#im barely scrapping by with my two classes#im terrified to find out what this next semester is gonna be#i have 5 classes in the fall#i may have to see if i can afford to quit my job to focus on school#otherwise it feels like i might just fucking die#i dont think my mom realizes the strain this shit puts on me on a daily basis#or maybe she does#and she just doesn't give a shit#idk#im pissed and im fucking scared#i dont know what im doing#and i don't know what im going to do#all i know is that im gonna have to start cutting things out of my schedule#otherwise it feels like this is going to kill me#personal#rant
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tho to be clear i actually dont mind if people think my ocs are Dateable unless you get Weird about it (i.e. ignoring character flaws or legitimate bad shit theyve done in favour of fawning over them for being cute/sexy), i just think its funny when people pick the terrible options when decent dateable characters like lucy and nancor are Right There
#i had to retire charon cuz i stopped being comfortable about having him be interactable#nothing my friends/mutuals have done#but other people who were really pushy about wanting their characters to interact with him#and told me they didnt think he was 'that bad' AFTER i told them that his behaviour is based on terrible things ive personally experienced#as in his constant guilt-tripping and overprotectiveness. and not liking when you have Other Friends#ooc
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feeling despair i don’t know how to put into words. im trying to figure out why im like this and how i got to be this way but i can’t even do it bc of the way i am and what im like. if that makes sense. like the problem prevents me from fixing the problem bc i can’t get to the root of it. despair despair despair
#purrs#delete later#basically i can’t internalize anything about myself. i can’t internalize that i am talented smart strong whatever and i can’t internalize#evidence that i matter and belong and am loved. i take in this evidence constsntly and it just evaporates. and then it’s like i have none of#it at all and im starving and shaking and dying and howling like a wretched little animal. and i live in this constant defaulstate of like..#feeling worthless and alone and utterly empty and like everything in my life is a dream or something. and in feeling that way and being#quite literally incapable of having emotional object permanence.. i actually make that situation real for myself. i make myself alone and#wretched. i isolate myself and shut down and don’t let myself take up the space i can. and it’s just awful. it’s unfixabke.#i just suck it all dry. i deny myself to myself and to everyone else. and idk what made me like this bc i don’t think i always used to be#this way w depression and depersonalization or whatever the fuck dsm 6 type shit i have going on. but i can’t internalize anything about#myself and my life and have no desire / willpower to look back beyond a certain point and really analyze and probe to figure out what#happened to me to make me like this so i can heal the core wound. soim just constantly in wretched tortured panicking creature mode. awesome#this cry for help brought to you by: my sister guilt tripping me into doing her laundry + my brother showing me his beautiful music +#realizing that unlike redacted i have not documented every part of my life and have no access to early childhood artifacts that would reveal#anything about me and that it does n’t even matter / isn’t special anyway. i love being normal 😎🫶🏻‼️#at least i haven’t been dissociating as badly about work stuff lately but. that’s definitely still a thing too so. what if my whole life is#just the wrong timeline i wasn’t supposed to be in and nothing is actually real. lawl 😳#this is a really awesome time for my therapist to be going on a monthlong honeymoon btw 😍 she deserves it so much but omg im dying already
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Me: *hating on Alhaitham* 😃
Some people: *Actually hating on Alhaitham*
Me:
#alhaitham#listen#i hate him#but like#lovingly#i just think he should be bullied a little#with affection#genshin impact#People just keep having bad take about him#especially because of Kaveh#but like Kaveh is a grown ass man who can handle himself#and I do believe Alhaitham is the only one who truly understands him#and in a way that’s why he bullies him so much#so that little architect get mad and get out of his constant guilt trip#also I love my babygirl but he needs some calling out#self-destructive behavior is not a hot look cutie#kaveh#like they were bff people#there’s a reason
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Thank you so much 🍉🍉for being generous and supporting for my family that is now undergoing to all forms of pain, torture 😞😞and hardship. Please don't hesitate to help the miserable, hopeless and jobless 😢😢people of Gaza in such hard and dire time We need your kind help 😍😍through donating whatever you can to enable us to cover some of our daily basic necessities or through sharing my posts to other. Your contribution will be highly valued. ❤❤
Damn whoever made this spambot sure didn't do a good job at it because half of my dash is:
LMAO. I've never once contributed to a GFM or even had the money to.
(Just for clarity, see that I have all donation posts blocked, and I have both sides blocked, this is just the first one on my dash and is related to the ask. All of this became almost my entire feed. It's too much man I'm a broke bitch part-time janitor and I just come here for fanart and memes occasionally. This is NOT a declaration of my stance on the matter, nor am I the most informed.)
#i love that this comes like a week after I got so fed up I did this#please be careful of scams guys people take a horrible situation and try to leverage it for their own gain#you can tell also by the constant use of double emoji these read like one of those fake funny emoji texts#and dont let anyone try to guilt trip you into giving money you dont have#yes horrible things are happening but voting and changing people in office is my voice#and if you're gonna donate please do it to reputable charities#asks#marshmallow talks
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This. I've seen sooooo many artists hating on people who like their stuff.
Man, that's someone who liked your stuff!! Embrace it! They didn't have to do anything, and they did!
Something I found on Twitter that really puts things in perspective as a creator.
#artists really need to have perspective to be happy#don't fall into the grind trap#yeah it's hard and it takes constant working#ON YOURSELF#but it's so worth it because that trap has nothing for you#art tips#writing#also don't be a jerk to your fans because#people (me) will choose not to reblog OR like out of PURE SPITE#i am here for a good time#not to be guilt tripped by a chronically online rando#i was blocked for countering a pro-guilt trip post once AND I'D DO IT AGAIN and HARDER 😎
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#I nearly cried with relief 5 mins ago when I saw the 'this post contains filtered tags'#I am at about 9 with my anger right now#things in life are going a bit mmmmmm#and seeing another im gay trans autistic and my mother hates me send me 500 dollars for food would have set me right off#Massive thank you to those that actually tag the posts#Tho if you guys are actually sending money to these people instead of just reblogging to try and guilt trip others then by all means#i'm bi#i have bpd#i'm in the process of getting an adhd and/or autism diagnosis#i'm living off of savings at the moment and still paying rent while i live with my parents#quit my job because it was making me feel like I was gonna kill myself#my mum has a chronic illness and needs constant looking after#and my uncle who lives with us and is never moving out is disabled physically and mentally too#Send monies xoxo#signal boost uwu#i'm just a poor disabled bi girly#🤢🤮
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The closer it gets to Normal People Are Okay With Eating A Lot season (i.e. thanksgiving and chrimus), the more grating my mother is becoming because she's got fucking issues and loves controlling other people's diets, and it's genuinely starting to push me towards the edge. It's one thing to be a health freak and not eat anything that doesn't fit in your narrow and tragic category of Okay To Eat, it's a whole nother thing to get on someone else's ass for eating A Cookie -- cookies that she fucking bought for us to eat because she has no self control and would rather self flagellate over buying/eating Evil Foods than sticking to her own stupid fucking morals and Not Buy them in the first goddamn place. You'd think that November - December she'd reel herself in a bit because this is literally Eating Season, but she has somehow become more irritating because instead of just Not Allowing Bad Foods in the house, she buys them and then gets mad at me for eating them after explicitly saying I could eat them. And that's not even touching on the fact that she thinks that there are limited Normal Times to eat and gets mad at anyone who eats outside of Her established breakfast lunch and dinner times, but that's not how my body fucking works and I tend to eat 4-5 small meals a day and I always get hungry around 10pm, but she gets mad at me for not eating enough at Normal Times even though I've explained to her that her Normal Dinnertime is right between my Body Gets Hungry times, so of course I'm not eating a lot cause I'm not fucking hungry regardless of what I've eaten today. And then she makes some snide fucking comment about my weight when I actually Do Get Hungry later and grab myself something to eat and acts like I've downed ten thousand fucking calories when I most likely haven't even had two full meals. I'm so fucking done with her, and I'm pissed because living alone the past two years finally allowed me to work on having a healthy relationship with food, and now not only am I backtracking on all of that cause I have to adhere to my mom's stupid fucking arbitrary bible, but I'm starting to do shit I never did before moving out like sneaking food when I'm out of the house and stashing candy to snack on at night and I know it's bad and it's pissing me off that I feel like I have to fucking do it. I've reached the point where little comments are making my fucking blood boil and I know that means I'm gonna start snapping soon and I don't have the ability to move out now or anytime in the near future. Fuck.
#I'm honestly surprised Iasted this long before reaching this tipping point#I thought the misgendering and deadnaming would've got me months ago#but the constant overbearing control over other people's diets and habits is what's getting me#what gets me is that I've straight up told her m a n y times before that my diet/body is none of her concern#and her answer is always just Yes It Is#like what the fuck am I supposed to do with that#what the fuck am I supposed to do with someone who literally thinks that they deserve to have full control over your body#and she does the stupid fucking guilt tripping thing where she goes 'oh i know I'm a horrible mother i know you hate me i know I'm terrible'#or like she and my parents are very good about offering financial support that i don't see in a lot kf American families#and they'll use that shit against me like ' we bought you xyz' or 'we paid for your xyz so you can't say anything abojt abc'#like i get that they show their fucking love through money but it would be great if they listened to me and showed respect instead#I'm honestly so glad I'm not a violent person cause fuck the number of times I've wanted to punch that fucking woman#at least i can say that unlike my mother i can show fucking restraint#anyway
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im this close to blocking a third of my dash like usually ill just look past things that are mildly annoying bcs i like the rest of it but if i see another fucking guilt trip 'reminder' i will lose it i will start mauling
#dan talks#so tired so tired so tired#it makes me so fucking frustrated when i follow trans ppl#and 99% of what they rb/say is interesting and thought provoking or just info sharing and stuff#but then they come out of the weeds with these shit ass guilt trips STOP#im so tired can we all just be kind for a bit. can we#its all harsh 'reminders' and guilt trips and 'um actually this fucking sucks i will take it in the worst faith possible' in perpetuum#release me#im not 14 anymore i cant handle the constant need of the internet to be a knifes edge i want neutral explanations if they cant be kind#can we ever do anything in good faith like ppl will suck but do we have to suck too#its 2 am i sshould go to bed#negativity cw
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As soon as I get home I am never leaving my house again.
#im having a horrible morning :D#I've been staying with my brother the past few days for guilt reasons and as nice as he and his girlfriend are this house is#my own personal hell. In the area that im staying everything is cold and damp (including the toiletpaper) and I think ive been rubbing mold#on my face because my towel wont dry. I cant go two inches without seeing or accidentally stepping on a bug and theres dirt and debris#literally everywhere. There are so many goddamn stairs. I tried to actually make something to eat today that was more substantial and more#effort than like a fistful of goldfiah crackers. The knife I had seemed very dull. My noodles are probably undercooked because I don't#understand the stovetop. When I tried to pour my soup out of the pot the shape of it made it so half the liquid in there just poured#straight onto the stove. All of the chairs in this province are so goddamn uncomfortable. I am miserable as I knew I would be#and I want to go home. I miss my cat and my ability to create a semi-sterile environment. My flight (which is itself a horrible stressor an#impending miserable experience + I had to spend $350 for a flight I don't want to be on to get home from a trip I didnt want to go on)#isnt until Monday and its only Wednesday today. I already always feel like Im seeing bugs and like theyre crawling on me.#I cannot live somewhere where thats actually *true*. I'm also constantly being unsubtly judged for using a mobility aid and any time I talk#to my mom she doesnt listen to literally anything I say and theres so much goddamn noise in this house and I dont wanna say anything to my#brother because thats *rude* and *ungrateful* but the only texture I can stand in this place is the tiny couch I have to curl up but keep#vigilant on because not even that is safe from bugs!!! And all of the counters are sticky!!! And they made me get expensive groceries that#I cant make myself use! I'm in a sensory and emotional nightmare and in constant physical pain! And then people get upset with me for being#miserable to be around! What the fuck do they want me to do!?!?#anyways.#ghostprince posts#vent#delete later#I want to go home.#update: I took like two bites of my food and immediately became nauseous. I've also become convinced there's bugs in there. Great.
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