#and that is how im spending friday evening
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well, well, well, look who remembered how to make recolors
and by remembered, i mean, used this tutorial
#xoxod#i'll prob upload a lil recolor pack when i finish#im mostly just doing stuff in my 4 fav kosmik colors#because i'm trying to NOT have a million rcs that i'll never use#and lbr i use the same 3 or 4 colors to decorate anyway lol#so idk if this will be useful to anyone else but!#i wanna share stuff again#im trying to get the next part of my fic posted also#and that is how im spending friday evening
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what should i do with the $1.39 in my bank account im open to suggestions
#zeph posting#i need to go eepy bc i have a migraine but im just thinking abt how some people truly have no comprehension of having this little money#im getting $20.50 tomorrow in cash to pay me back and thats going directly into my gas tank and like im not worried abt anything#i have nothing im supposed to pay for before friday besides getting gas on the way home from church#and im very used to this and know exactly how much money i can spend every month#but god its wild to survive on practically nothing compared to someone thats rich#not even super rich. just like above middle class rich#like the its a banana what could it cost rich#anyways im not like? upset? just tired of capitalism
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they need to make a killing myself I can do every weekend but only on the weekends so I can get up fine on monday and go to work again
#.vent#maybe i should start drinking so i can get blackout drunk every weekend. or fuck around w sedatives or pay someone to just whack me round#the head with a sledgehammer on friday evenings and hopefully ill recover from the concussion by mondays#its not even funny what the fuck is wrong with me that i have to spend all my free time trying not to kill myself i feel so sick#im literally fine at work i guess i just dont know how to have fun or be happy or feel wanted or cared for or loved by other people#but dont have to think about that when im working so its fine 5/7 days which is pretty good. im so lonely i want to throw up#tried to leave the house got ready and everything and then burst into tears for no reason ive spent the past hour trying to talk myself#down from hurting myself and i probably wont in the next few hours but i almost certainly will before the day is up. oh well#man who fucking cares. typing this isnt making me feel any better i dont really know what to do anymore#i have a drs appt in 2 weeks for smth unrelated but maybe ill ask abt antidepressants. theres nothing specific causing this#my brain just doesnt work right.i dont even feel like a person most of the time#well nothing else to say 👍
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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I think I'm falling in love
#my best friend jack and i have been drifting closer and closer over the past few months#and on Monday night after work we met up at wingstop and ate there and sat for a bit#and then we left right before they closed and then stood in the parking lot hugging for over two hours#just hugging and swaying and talking#and we agreed that we're on the same page and that we're both into each other romantically#but he just got out of a relationship with a rocky break up and another ex is being a crazy bitch at the moment#so we agreed we're both ready for and we're not going anywhere but we cant start anything yet#and then i was like we both close tomorrow night we should hang out again#and he was like well we can watch a movie at my place and you can sleep on the couch#spoiler alert: we slept in his bed snuggled up together#and out pact to take it slow fizzled out real quick when we discovered how much fun it is to kiss each other#cut to friday night#were both closing at work but hes out like two hours later than me#we text literally non stop#im going to a wawa to get air in my tires and he asks which wawa#he gets to leave work early bc he was done and comes and meets me at the wawa#where we proceed to stand in the parking lot hugging for another hour at least#occasionally kissing#but now this week hes working literally night shifts all week#2230-0700#but saturday he picked up a shift where i work and its the same out time as me#and were gonna go to his place and hang out after again#and im literally so excited just to spend more time with him#he and i match each other's energy so well its crazy#in my head ive started calling him my boyfriend but i cant do that yet even at work#bc he used to work where i work and everyone there is nosy as fuck#and they def will notice if i get a bf out of the blue and also i smile stupid big whenever someone mentions jack#anyway carrie this is me telling you but you can literally not tell anyone else istg#if i hear from mom and dad that you said something......#personal
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hi everyone, this is my monthly check-in <3
#not feeling so great lately...there's a lesion on my other knee now#and it most likely is cancer.#they want me to wait another 10 days for an mri???? like ur crazy#if u think i can wait that long.#sighhhhhhhhh.#anyway.#some cool things have happened#like spending all day in nyc with my partner on friday <3333#and um. i did wnt to vent about smth so uh.#ED tw#lately#my energy has been too low for me to wanna cook. which in turn made my stomach shrink a LOT#since i've been surviving by grazing on snacks.#and i didnt even realize i lost weight until i went to the doctor.#i didnt realize though that it would be even MORE lost when i weighed myself without my winter clothes#and uhhhh. i currently weigh what i weighed in my senior year of high school#which is the FIRST time i've been under a certain number in over SIX YEARS.#and i havent struggled at all w body negativity or ED thoughts in over a couple years. but.#now that my ideal gender expression has shifted more to the feminine side. and now that ive lost weight.#my brain INSTANTLY latched onto that#and was like omg YES do more of that#and it feels nice. this time im FINALLY not struggling to suppress my appetite!!! my body is doing that for me!#and obviously im still eating enough to live on#but still a huge caloric deficit. and rn my wheelchair shit keeps breaking on me. my mobility company is INCOMPETENT.#and my insurance might tell me i have to wait FIVE MORE YEARS for another type of chair......I WILL DIE BY THEN.#ugh everything is so complicated now. and im ALWAYS exhausted bc the sun sets at 4:30. i've just stopped binging and i replaced it with+#a LOT. of retail therapy. i've easily spent probably 1500 of my credit limit in the last 2 months. but you know.#that and not eating are 2 of the ONLY things i can control rn. out of all the fucking bullshit these useless people and my body put me thru#anyway. i'm sure you can tell how i feel rn. i'm just going to try doing anything else today.#vent
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can i be real with u all. totally uncontroversial opinion incoming but james hetfield and kirk hammett can totally still Get It. like ik im on the Fucking Old Men website but like. woof.
#theyre not even that old like in their early 60s maybe? but jeeez i think theyre actually hotter now than when they were young#why yes i DID spend a decent chunk of the night staring at james' ass why do u ask#ANYWAYSSS metallica was awesomeeeeee except 4 how the dude behind me totally shoved his way in front of me and on2 the barrier#like as soon as they started. and he kept nlicking my view with his elbow while recording :/ like cmon dude.#*blocking (idek how i fucked that word up so bad)#i kno u 'want the memories' but i would like MY memories of the show 2 not just be ur phone screen or ur big elbow. fuckin tuck that shit in#just like. a total dick move. but whatever#fun times tho besides that! i enjoyed friday more bc it seemed a lil more rowdy n i enjoy a bit of that#like im not gettin in the pit ever but pit-adjacent? hell yeah gettin a lil shoved around is half the fun!#plus it means every1 around u is actually Into The Music n rockin out! instead of being like a vibeless statue holding their phone up#like a few short clips n pics here n there is fine but u kno theyre gonna put the whole show on yt probably so like.... chill. pls.
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If you want to go and be stupid (make me wait in a car for an hour and a half knowing I haven’t had lunch or the bubble tea we had agreed on AND that I have a history of being dehydrated to the point of passing out) don’t do it in front of me (drag me along just cuz YOU want to meet your old professor)
#I was listening to please please please so#I can’t even enjoy teenage dream by katy Perry HHHH#Insert that creed meme#if I can *enjoy teenage dream by katy perry* what’s all this been about???#I didn’t even half switch on the engine until just now cuz I don’t want the car to overheat or smth#but IM overheating now#I have the car keys and istg it’s not even funny how close I am to driving off right here right now#and it’s so frustrating cuz we agreed to keep Fridays open for us to spend together like I didn’t got for my orientation session today cuz#of that#and she could have met her professor yesterday but she said the timing was too close to peak#cuz she didn’t want to drive in peak hour#which fine but she literally could have kept the meeting next week#and I still would have been fine waiting if it was just an hour#now we’re coming up to 1 hour 45 min#ugh I’m just in such a bad mood#personal#tw vent
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behind every hyperfixation there is a secret second hyperfixation
dont ask me about baldurs gate because all im gonna tell you is how desperately im awaiting season 9 episode 1 of ER, where chauvinist dickweed dr romano gets his arm cut off by the tail rotors of a helicopter. and then dies a season later when a helicopter falls on him. why did they make it all helicopters its almost a joke
#seas posts#i sit down with bg3 and ER and maybe a cocktail if it’s a friday night. this is how im spending my evenings lately#my two besties. astarion balgate and dr luka kovac. oh he’s so troubled and pathetic. which one am i talking about?#okay that’s enough original posts for the day
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I ran this morning AND wrote some AND made art and I’m so proud of me
#didn’t get any of my actual office work done oopsies#but in my defense it’s a Friday and also I did allot time for it I just ended up not doing it#anyways still proud of me!!! guys art is so so important and I know that and I preach that but I haven’t been doing it#and I just picked up a blank sheet of paper and did it#and is it good or anatomically correct? no but it was so FUN#and I’ve been working thought Tim Clare’s writing stuff and it’s been GOOD#I like this new series of exercises a lot better than the couch to 80k#they’re. the same honestly and I don’t actually care about his commentary all that much#maybe I’m just more present or more invested in them#I only ran for 15. min and then I had to call my brother to pick me up because the heat was gonna make me pass out :/#but also I TRIED#I fucking tried today#also did u know running is utterly miserable.#runners high is def a thing#felt amazing afterward#but holy shit it’s awful in the moment#my roommate ran a 25k recently and I talked to her about it and she said it never gets better#which is. not very encouraging#but also I Want To run as much of this 5k as I can#maybe I’ll be dead after but it’s fine I have a couple days to recuperate before the eclipse#WHICH IM ALSO EXCITED SBOIT. I’ve never seen a total eclipse before#goddamit my brain jumped to too many places#delete later#anyways. if u didn’t u should acknowledge ur accomplishments today#even if they didn’t feel like much#now I’m gonna go read a 115k fanfic that’s gonna wreck me#that’s my treat to me#I HAVE ACTUAL BOOKS TO FINISH. but NO. THIS is how I’m spending my time. and it’s fine I’m valid#I’ve been talking to all the lesbians about running too#and they’ve been so encouraging too!! I love my coworkers and very distantly related coworkers sm
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AM I HAVING A FUCKING STROKE?!
or did Rishi Sunak really basically just admit IN FRONT OF THE WORLD that taking the UK out of the EU was a terrible decision? Also what I heard: "This country we took but dont acknowledge until it benefits us is in the best position in the world in terms of access to the market"
#Rishi Sunak#Ah lads looks like the Uk remembers we exist again for the benefits of exploitation#Cause mark my words thats whats gonna happen. We now benefit the Uk to exist in the Uk#I mean dont get me wrong our political system is an absolute SHAMBLES too but JFC talk about shooting yourself and your party in the foot#british politics#Brexit#Northern Ireland#I might... just move back to Northern Ireland lads#Níl aon tinteán mar do thinteán fhéin#HEY MA! IM COMING HOME MA!#If you cant tell... im conflicted.#I'm happy Northern Ireland is apparently in a good position well see how long that lasts now England is acknowledging us again#but I'm also hella salty over BOTH countries politics#We only ever get mentioned by the british government when it suits them and I refuse to be 'something good' a torry did after all the years#of pure bullshittery#cant even spend UK STERLING in England without being treated like a criminal#Not to mentiion the sheer bullshittery of 'we only post to the uk' and then being told Northern Ireland isnt part of the UK WHEN IT CLEARLY#FUCKING IS CAUSE I FUCKING GREW UP IN THE TAIL END OF WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS!#AND THATS JUST SURFACE LEVEL PETTY SHIT THATS HAPPENED!#Good Friday agreement at risk anyone?#northern ireland protocol#No one remember?#Northern Ireland has so much potential and the tories will do their best to bleed us dry#we havent much more to give you sir#just fuck off and sort out the cost of living crisis please#Stay in your own fucking lane and sort THAT shit out#I had so many rant tags I've just discovered Tumblr has a limit given over half of them were deleted from the post XD#Long story short YAY Northern Ireland now please leave us alone Rishi#Just to be clear... I love England. Its the Tories and the government that are grinding my fucking gears right now
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why do i feel so perpetually lonely
#like my family is right outside my door#i soak up all the time i spend with them#i love laughing with them#and yet i feel so alone#i just went out with my friends last friday#and now its like that never happened#i dont know how people survive or even enjoy being stuck in their rooms#im not even stuck in mine i just#i just feel so lonely all the time
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feeling like doing smth so fucking stupid
#like fucking up my sleep schedule. just to see how long it takes for my meds to kick in.#or deleting social media accounts#or blocking everyone and never speaking to an actual person ever#ah yeh i didnt tell yall but i had to get my cat euthanised yday. and its fucking me up so bad.#cant stop thinking about his lifeless body. how small and tired he seemed. how easy it was to put him in the bag.#my little angel. stayed w me so long despite his pain. to keep me company as long as he could.#and ykw. family didnt even spend the day w me today.#like sure lets leave the depressed suicidal grieving idiot alone im sure they'll be FINE#well guess what. the idiot is not fine.#it all hurts so bad. how am i suppsoed to sleep if hes not here snoring next to me.#to top it all im seeing my psychiatrist friday. lmao. thats gonna be fun.#'how are the meds working' oh idk bc my cat is dead and now i want to die even more. yk. the usual :))#don't even think of sending a dm asking if im ok. im not. i dont want to be. not tonight.#just. fucking cant do it tonight.
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ally there is no world in which i would discourage your uploading of a new fic! if u wanna post the equestrian au then please go for it (we would all thank u for it)!!!!! i eagerly await your decision!
p.s. today’s prompt fill was so good!!!! i am going to miss these very much!!!
- 💌💌💌
Ahhh hello my dearest 💌 anon!
I have posted the fic 🫡 kinda feel like I'm going to throw up now (which also might be from the fact that I accidentally slammed my head into the side of the cross tie today, ironically standing up from picking out my own horses feet, I didn't realize I was so close to the wooden beam and just stood up into it)
I apologize for being dramatic here on Tumblr BUT am extremely, extremely thankful for the encouragement. This fic is my baby and I love her so very much. When you love something so much it's very scary to toss her into the world where she will then be perceived by others. I hope you like her, and even if you don't I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Also thank you so much for giving the prompt fills some love! They have been an adventure and I'm so proud of myself for not giving up!
Thank you so much for reading, always being supportive and this ask! I hope you have a truly phenomenal weekend. Sending lots of love your way!
❤️Ally
#allylikethecat#ask ally#anon ask#💌#💌anon#letter anon#keep it kind#gatty#matty fic#All the King's Horses#Equestrian AU#sorry for being so dramatic on here#and thank you for being so kind#i hope you like it#please let me know#also i love that this is how im spending my friday night#but alas i had a headache BEFORE i slammed it into the beam#and now i have even more of one lol
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....
#personal#soooo im only using 7 days of pto for my 10 day europe trip#which is in march#bcuz i scheduled one flight leaving at 9pm from nyc (which means i can go straight to airport from work)#.....and.......like..........dont gotta take that day#and now idek how tf im gonna use all the days i have to use#cuz......thats not even going into next years days yet#so....ill still have 3 carry over days plus 15 new days plus 10 paid holiday days#and i can only carry over 5 days to next ywar#WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH ALL THIS TIME OFF????#(see the rose in latam???? (no) maybe (no))#take......10 3-day weekends...(id rather not)#wtf :/#like....3 day weekends do not feel worth it to take#cuz i wfh fridays anyways#and.......i dont want to spend money on more trips i wanna invest it =_=#basically being responsible has TRAPPED ME#plsssss
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Nature Is Healing <3 (adding events to my Google Calendar again)
#I need to get diagnosed with SOMETHING man wtf#gene talks#My initial theory was that because I had caffeine past 12pm#and I've been trying very hard to not do that bcus I think that as Ive gotten older I have become hit with this massive unprecedented wave#of Being Impacted by Caffeine and I thought it was impacting my sleep#and I certainly think that having coffee after noon is definitely not a good idea for me anymor#but also I have been very awake for too long bcus I am so nervous about starting a new job on Friday#and also having to tell my Dad that I'm spending the night up north bcus I know itll make him sad#but it also hit me very hard that even though I want to live with Liam living Northstate instead of Centralstate means that I have to#start my hour long commute at 630am every Tuesday and Thursday#and uhhh I dont want to do that lmao#so I got freaked out and started looking for apartments and then somehow found a very perfect one so HOPEFULLY we can move in soon#I still have to go to school up north so its a small victory but at least i dont have to start my commute at 630 am if i have a place to#crash in the central state#anyway then I kept looking at information on the apartment and got very excited about my find#and then I started thinking about all the other things I need to do so now Im typing out this post and thinking about Trello#gonna probably reuse it now that i understand how kanban boards work lmao#so I have sort of been up all night with a weird combination of anxiety and maybe borderline mania but thats neither here nor there#Anyway time to make an appointment for the DMV to get a new freaking license with my new freaking legal name on it yiipppeeeee!!!
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