#and sydney is Nat's peace too?

[ciaomarie]

GIF by @thoughtfulchaos773

I woke up this morning thinking about The Bear as one does. The Donna and Claire parallels were on my mind. In S2E10, Carmy was pushing them both to the back of his mind/bottom of his priorities. It was Nat who wanted her there. That night, Donna learned that Natalie was pregnant. That bit of info was her final nudge not to enter the restaurant. Claire came inside, but it was Richie and Neil who were excited to see her. Later, she learned that Carmy (who was spiraling in a vat of self-loathing) didn't think he could be in a relationship, and it was a distraction. That was her nudge to leave and cut him off. Then, in S3E8, about 30ish years after his birth, there's Donna talking crap about Carmy's arrival like he got himself stuck and how terrible her relationship was with his father. In S3E7or9(?) we have Tiff relaying the ish, Claire is saying about Carmy, who is at fault, but she's miscontruing his meaning and has no empathy for him. So, the woman who saw his mother drive into their home and said she loved him is dragging his name through their mutual friend/family group?! Idk...if Claire is endgame imma throw up. Tbh, I don't want a whole S4 episode of Donna either. Two scenes and wrap it up.

[light-yaers]

tangerine. | part two [carmen berzatto x reader]

Fic Masterpost | AO3

Carmen shows up at your diner after five years, and everything comes flooding back like it was only yesterday.

Warnings: swearing, angst, mature themes [discussions about drugs, workplace abuse, family problems]

Word count: 6k+

PART TWO

You lit your cigarette before the back door even fully shut. You leaned against the wall as you inhaled, and exhaled slowly when you could feel the smoke in your lungs expand. It was a nasty habit, you knew, but it was the only time where you got an ounce of peace at the diner. Two minutes to yourself, not in the cold walk-in, but outside where no one could yell for you, or grab at you, or need you. When you were out here, the chefs and staff alike knew not to bother you. It was just for you. 

Carmen knew that rule well, but that didn’t stop him from following you out the door. He burst through the back door like he was an employee under the diner roof, and found you immediately. You rolled your eyes and turned away from him, not wanting anything to start today. 

You inhaled again, and let out the smoke quickly. “You know you’re not allowed back here–”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he boomed. Sydney’s words from before had completely dissipated in his mind.

You turned back to him, eyes wide, utterly gobsmacked. “With me? Are you fucking joking?”

“What, it’s been five years and not even a fucking hello or a how you doing?–”

“Oh, sorry, Carm,” you said sarcastically. You stepped towards him in anger. “I was under the impression you never wanted to fucking see me again, huh? Isn’t that what you said last time at USC, or did I just make that shit up or something?”

Carmen shut his mouth. You both breathed heavily as the silence descended over you, only broken up by him pulling a pack of cigs from his pocket and plucking a stick from the foil. He slotted the cigarette between his lips, and lit it without a word. As he inhaled, he leaned against the wall next to you. You smoked together, not making a sound, as smoke coiled around your heads and disappeared into the air without a trace. 

You flicked ash on the floor. “What are you doing here, Carm?” you asked. 

He sighed, trying to calm himself down. “Getting ideas.”

“Ideas for what?” you asked, and glanced at the side of his face for just a second. He still looked the same, just a bit older. He had more tattoos on his arms, and a stronger jaw, but he was definitely the same Carmen you’d known once. 

“A restaurant. In Chicago.” 

You finally met his eyes, awestruck. He looked down at you to his left, and all the years came flooding back. Behind your eyes, behind the pain and the shit he’d said last time, was someone who still cared about his endeavours. It was almost too much to bear. 

“You found a place?” you asked. 

Carmen nodded. “The Beef. My brother’s old place,” he said, and scratched his head almost painfully. “He, uh… died, and left it to me. We’re doing it up.”

“We?”

“Me and Syd,” he said, and pointed back at the door. Sydney was still inside, at the table alone. “And, uh, Nat and Richie.”

You exhaled a shaking breath, smoke free. Your fingers started to buzz. You were torn between wanting to congratulate him, and wanting to walk away. This was immense for him, and something you knew he’d been wanting from the very beginning. He’d done it, was doing it, but despite all the time you couldn’t help but think– 

Weren’t we supposed to do this together? 

It didn’t matter now. It had been too long and you’d missed each other, passed by, lost the opportunity. Even so, after all this time, would you even want to go back?

You swallowed away all the words that wanted to pour from your mouth. “Wow,” you said, and it sounded stale. “That’s… that’s big.”

“Yeah,” Carm said.

“When do you open?” you asked. You tried to keep things light. 

“Couple of months. We need to open fast. Faster than we wanted to, so, yeah. It’s a lot.” 

As his words fizzled away, you looked at the ground. The air between you felt thick, heavy, with all of the words that you both wanted to say to the other, but couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Now wasn’t the time to think about what could have been. Maybe, if what happened at USC hadn’t happened, things would have been different. You’d still be friends, have any semblance of a relationship, compared to being almost strangers. 

In fact, you’d pick being strangers with Carm over this. Inside, you still harboured the hurt from those years previous. He’d been so horrible. He’d been so cruel. You wondered if he still remembered all he’d said, or if he had no memory of the way he’d cut you to your core. 

It’d been too long. It didn’t matter. Nothing would change from this. 

“Well.” You sucked in a final pull from your cig, before you flicked it on the ground. You looked him in the eyes as you stood up straight. “Good luck with it all,” you said, before you started towards the door. 

Carm shot up from the wall. “You should come to the opening, in July.”

“Yeah, maybe.” You grabbed the door handle, and Carmen tensed immediately. 

“We’re looking for a front of house manager,” he blurted out. You froze. All the hairs on the back of your neck stood on end, and you clamped your eyes shut. “I don’t know– if you wanted a change, or something new.”

Your fingers hurt from how hard you held onto the door handle. Your knuckles had turned white. Quickly, you inhaled a sharp breath, turning back to him. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

Carm realised his mistake as soon as you spoke. “Fuck– I just–”

“No, Carm. Think about it. You think that you can come back here after five fucking years, and offer me this like it’s nothing?” You were seething, you were upset. It only cemented that he didn’t realise how bad he’d hurt you, and if he did, then that was even worse. 

He looked around the back of the building, anywhere but at you, trying to find the right words. “I was shitty, I get that.”

“Do you?” You stepped forward once. “Tell me how shitty you were, Carmen.”

“I was– fuck– I shouldn’t have–” he stumbled over his words. 

“You shouldn’t have treated someone– who only fucking cared about you– like that, is that what you were gonna say?” you said over him, and the look on his face told you everything. You knew Carmen well, and you thought that was why he struggled. You could see right through him, especially back then. “You have a habit of pushing away people that give a shit about you.”

He frowned at you in understanding. “Yeah,” he whispered. 

“I hope you grow out of it one day, and realise your worth,” you said, and felt the familiar sting of tears welling in your eyes. 

“That’s what I’m trying to fucking do,” he said, finding his voice. He took a strong step forward, taking you by surprise. “Come and work at the restaurant. You need to give yourself a fucking chance too, not just other people.”

You scoffed at his change of character. “You’re really flipping it this way?”

“Yeah, I am,” he said plainly. “You’ve been here, what, seven years? You know you’re qualified to work in places ten times the level of the diner–”

“God– fuck you!” you burst, ignoring the way your cheeks warmed and your chest stuttered. “You can’t just come back here after all this time and tell me that you give a shit, that you’re living your dream and you finally want me to be a fucking part of it–”

Carmen cut over you. “So only you’re allowed to say I need to know my fucking worth, huh? I can’t say it back to you?”

“I know my worth!” you exclaimed. Carmen sucked in a breath and shut his mouth after, holding his breath. “I’ve known my worth all along, and sure, maybe I’m too good for this fucking place, but it’s my home.” Carmen’s face softened as the words tipped from your mouth. “What worth would I have if I went back to someone who treated me like shit?”

Carmen placed his hands on his hips and looked at the floor. His shoulders were tense as he hung his head in subtle shame. You knew Carmen. You knew he wasn’t like this, not always, which is what made it even harder to say no. 

“This was our dream,” he said gently. 

“It was your dream, Carm,” you said. He caught your eye strongly.

“You were always part of it.” The breath hitched in your throat. “It was always gonna be you and me–”

“Until it wasn’t,” you said over him. There was a finality to your words that Carmen understood wholeheartedly. He’d been too late, left it too long, for you to drop everything and come back now. 

He inhaled deeply, and let his breath out slowly, surely. “I’m sorry,” he said, hitting your eye. “For all of it. The way I acted. Cutting you all out of my life. I’m trying… not to do that anymore.”

You nodded gently, softening your expression. “I’m happy for you,” you said, and you meant it. “I just can’t do it.”

“Okay,” Carmen said. “Okay,” he repeated, trying to get it all to stick.  

You placed your hand on the door handle, and tugged it open. “It was good to see you,” you said. Maybe it was a lie, or maybe it had been nice to see his face after all these years. You just didn’t know yet. 

Carmen nodded. “You too,” he said. You shut the door behind you as you went inside, leaving him out the back with his half smoked cigarette. 

Sydney was amongst the last customers in the restaurant after lunch, and you sighed as you saw her alone. You strolled towards her table, and started picking up empty plates when you approached. “Nice meal?” you asked. 

“Amazing,” Sydney perked up awkwardly. “You were right. Those tangerines are good.”

You smiled. “They’re my favourite, too,” you revealed. 

Sydney rang her hands on the table. “Um, where’s Carmen?”

You kept your face flat, not wanting to show just how erratically your heart was beating after the entire ordeal. “Having a smoke, out the back. You can head out that way, I’ll clear this all up,” you suggested. 

Sydney got up and nodded. “Thank you. It was really nice to meet you,” she said. When you looked at her face, you could tell she was being genuine. “Carmen knows a lot of people in this industry, and most of the places and people aren’t like this, or, uh– like you. It’s a refreshing change.” She smiled. 

You felt bashful at her words, but ignored the warmth that spread to your cheeks. In that moment, you knew that Carmen had found himself a great partner. You just hoped he wouldn’t fuck it all up for her sake. 

Sydney quickly shuffled in her bag, and brought out her wallet. “How much do we owe you?”

“Oh,” you stuttered, before you shook your head. “On the house. How do they say it? No checks.” 

“Oh, no, I insist–”

“So do I. Didn’t you hear Paulie?” you said, stacking a final plate on your arm, as you balanced the rest with ease. “I’m the big boss around here.” 

Sydney smiled marvellously. Her eyes shone when she did. “Okay, okay,” she said, backing off. “Whatever the big boss says, goes, right?”

“Too right,” you said, as you stood up straight and looked at her face-on. “I… I hope everything with the restaurant goes great.”

Sydney nodded, understanding that Carmen must have told you about it outside. “Yeah, me too. You should come by.”

You didn’t have the heart to tell her no, so you simply nodded. You stepped back and headed towards the kitchen, but stopped halfway there. “Good luck, Sydney. You’re gonna need it with him,” you said, gesturing towards the back door. Carmen. 

Sydney scoffed, amused. The way her face dropped softly, and her eyes widened gently, made you feel properly seen. Like you were sharing words through looks alone, and absolutely knew what position the other was in, or had been in. “Uh, if you’re ever in Chicago– don’t be a stranger,” she added awkwardly, but you found it incredibly endearing.

You smiled, before you continued to the kitchen. As you did, you hoped it wouldn’t be like what happened to you, for her. 

It was always like this with Carmen. He somehow always found himself next to people like you and Sydney, strong-willed, capable, caring, but almost always fucked it up in some capacity. He’d done it before with you, and others, and neither you–nor Sydney– wanted it to happen again. Not when their restaurant would be on the line.

You dropped off the plates at the sink, and found yourself looking around the empty kitchen. The chefs were out the back, taking their after-lunch break. Sydney had already left through the door at the back of the restaurant, so they’d no doubt all bump into each other before Carmen fully left. 

Gently, you opened the walk-in and pulled the door closed behind you. You ducked down to the lower shelves, at the back, until you found what you were looking for– tangerines. There was a crate of them, some of them fresher than others, but you liked the ones that were almost over-ripe. You grabbed a couple and held them in your hands, before you headed back to the kitchen. 

Grabbing Paulie’s knife, you sliced them into quarters. The insides were the most neon of oranges. Unlike the peels on big oranges, tangerine peels were thinner. You liked it when the colour of the juice was so vibrant that it got stuck behind your eyelids for a moment. You liked it when you picked up a quarter and it almost fell apart. 

You were reminded of a memory then, of the last time you’d seen Carmen before today. Five years ago, when your reservation at Union Square Cafe had finally arrived, Carmen was in the kitchen just like you’d known he would be. 

You arrived on time, dressed in something fancy and upper-class, just to fit in. It’d been ten months since you’d seen him, since he’d left Lucky Strike Diner, and he’d been far too busy to come by. You didn’t blame him. He was finally doing what he’d meant to, and, just as before, you’d been absolutely right– within five months at USC, Carmen Berzatto won the James Beard award. 

You weren’t at the restaurant to tell him I told you so, but you couldn’t deny that you felt powerful about it. You knew Carmen better than he knew himself. But maybe that was more of a curse, than a blessing. 

The hostess sat you down at your table for one, as the restaurant emitted a gentle lull of mutters and chatter. You’d booked a later reservation, nearer to the end of dinner service, and everything was serene as you perused the menu and chose a wine. A few moments later, a waitress brought over your glass, and you sipped at it gently.

This was nice. You could get used to this. Fine dining, putting on a show of excellence. This was so far removed from the world of the diner that you almost felt like a different person. Someone elegant, someone important. Not that you didn’t feel loved or supported at Lucky Strike, but you knew that standards in a place like Union Square Cafe were above and beyond. That’s how they got their stars, and kept them. 

In the kitchen, Carmen worked on an order. He positioned micro basil and other delicate ingredients on the plates, working with immense precision alongside the rest of the kitchen. When he was done, he let out a strong “Hands!” and within moments all the plates had been picked up and whisked from the kitchen. 

He made his way to the expo, banked a few more tickets, before his eye caught something. He stopped– froze, almost– as his gaze fell over your name on the reservations list. 

“Chef,” he said, turning to his front of house manager, who was responsible for calling out orders, and ensuring everything ran smoothly. “This booking, table thirty two– has she ordered yet?” 

“No, Chef. She was still looking the last time a server went to her table.”

Carmen had a thought, and he was going to put it into motion. “Take her menu away. I’ll be cooking for her tonight. Chef’s pick.”

“Yes, Chef,” the manager said, before she quickly fled the kitchen. 

Carmen took in a breath. “I need two veal, four salmon and one beef!”

“Yes, Chef!” the crew boomed in unison. 

You thought you’d decided. The salmon looked appealing, and as soon as you’d picked it was as if a server came over from being summoned. You turned to her, and smiled. “I’m ready to order,” you said. 

“That won’t be necessary, ma’am,” she said softly, as she gently plucked the menu from your hands. “Chef Berzatto is taking care of it for you.”

Chef Berzatto. 

Hearing Carmy’s name in such a way had you downright giddy. You wondered how he’d known, or if he’d been told, or whatever. You knew that top restaurants had a habit of being attentive to the max, so maybe they’d background checked you. Either way, you were excited. 

“Looking forward to it,” you said, accepting the fate of your meal as being in Carmen’s hands. You simply sat back, swilled your wine, and felt at peace. 

As you waited, you peered around the restaurant. Everything was laid out perfectly, had a system that worked, and every couple and group and business party looked catered for. It was an utterly different vibe than the diner. This was a place for another species, not like the locals you knew by name. You’d always assumed that intense and fanciful restaurants like this lacked character, in a way. They chose excellence over warmth, or stars over honest food, but you’d been wrong. 

Already, despite being on your own, you felt like you belonged. Carmen knew you were here, his servers knew you were here, and you knew why you were here. For him. 

A few parties finished up as you waited for your meal. All the while, you were generously topped up on wine from the servers, and positioned right by the kitchen. You could hear the methodical way they spoke to each other, sometimes, and the whoosh of the door every time someone stepped from within back into the restaurant, and vice versa. 

In the kitchen, Carmen finished up preparing your dish. He’d been transported away as he worked, reminded of you with every garnish that he placed and ru that he drizzled. Whenever he saw the colour orange, he thought of you. It was impossible not to, when he’d cut up an uncountable number of tangerines for you during his time at the diner. As he placed the final piece of your dish, he readied himself to yell for hands, but stopped himself.

Instead, he grabbed your plate and approached his front of house manager. “How are we for time?”

“Fine, Chef. We’re in the after dinner lull, only desserts are left. Table thirty-two is the final main of the evening.”

Carmen nodded. “Right.”

“Do you want to take it to her?” she asked knowingly, and Carmen swallowed. “You know her, don’t you? An old friend?”

“Something like that,” he said, not knowing how to even begin to explain you. An ex-work colleague just sounded wrong, but an old friend sounded wrong, too. You’d been so much more than either of those, and still were. You supported his endeavours, and cared beyond belief. 

The kitchen at USC was vastly different from the atmosphere at Lucky Strike. It was robotic, and static, and everyone had their purpose and place. Carmen’s purpose was that of importance, being chef de cuisine, but his superior– the head chef– was not like Paulie used to be. 

Not in the slightest. 

“I’ll take it,” Carmen finally replied. He placed your plate down and straightened out his chef whites. “How do I look?” he asked her. 

She smiled. “Smart,” she said. That was enough. 

As you sipped the last of your glass of red, you tensed when the door to the kitchen burst open. You turned your gaze towards it, and your heart stuttered in your chest. Walking towards you with the speed of a freight train, chef whites donned and clean, hair slicked back, was Carmy. He powered through the restaurant and gained glances of respect from other guests, triggering a small hubbub of chatter from other tables. 

You relaxed even further into your chair, knowing that you didn’t need to perform. You didn’t need to sit up straight, or lean in, or do anything other than smile at him with as much warmth as you could possibly muster. He’d made it, and this was exactly what you’d wanted to witness– you just hadn’t expected him to leave the seclusion of the kitchen just for you. 

Carmen reached your table, and set down your surprise meal. He gently drifted the plate towards you, and leaned down intimately. 

“Your meal this evening is our classic fillet of salmon, with a twist,” he said. You had to stop yourself from laughing. You felt overwhelmed in the best way. 

“A twist, Chef?” you asked. 

“I took the liberty of adding fresh tangerine juice to the jus.” 

Your eyes sparkled as he revealed all. It was very easy to feel special when you were alone with Carm at the diner before, to understand the gravity of his actions when he got past his shyness and opened up more, but this hit it out of the park. Your chest compressed as your heart lurched. Your lungs spluttered as you sucked in a shaking breath. 

The sides of Carmen’s mouth curled almost imperceptibly, but you knew that look from a mile away. That small smile, that warmth, that affection, that he reserved solely for those people that he knew deserved it. That fact you were here, and everything else from before, was reason enough for you to deserve it. Innately, he felt good when he looked at you this way. It made everything clear, wiped the slate clean, made his crumbling chest settle just that tiny bit more. 

Carmen stood up straight, hands behind his back. “I wanted to mention that there’ll be no checks tonight.”

You finally sat up straight, and immediately went to protest. “I–”

“We insist. I insist,” Carm cut you off softly. 

You looked at the perfectly cooked salmon on the table, the bright orange jus, the drops of red wine on the sides of your glass. “Okay,” you said, peering back up at him. 

“Okay,” he repeated, and his smile grew. 

The cogs whirred in his brain, as he became hyper-aware of the other guests around him. He still had dessert orders to fill, and an entire kitchen to break down and clean. As much as he wanted to stay, to sit opposite you, to throw a kitchen towel at your face when you looked at him so deeply and warmly and lovingly, he simply couldn’t. 

He leaned in once more, so much that your hairs stood on edge as he whispered. “I finish just before midnight,” he whispered gently, before pulling away. “Stay.” He swallowed. “Please.” 

“Okay,” you whispered.

You stayed until the restaurant was empty. The hostess at the front folded napkins in the dim light of the deserted bar, but stopped ever so often to fill up your wine glass. She smiled at you every time she did. 

It was a comfortable silence in the empty restaurant, a silence that you knew very well from being at the diner after hours. Inside the kitchen, you knew Carm would be breaking down after service. Cleaning every single surface in sight, scrubbing the floors until they shined, labelling produce with tape that was cut; not ripped. 

Close to midnight, the kitchen door slammed open once more. Carm had stripped off his chef whites, opting for jeans and an old tee. He spotted you from across the restaurant and smiled smally. “Wanna see?” he asked. 

He held the door open for you as you stepped into the kitchen. The sleekness of it all practically took your breath away. Every surface shone, every plate and bowl and mug glimmered. This was such a step up from the diner, one that you’d been expecting, but seeing it in person was far more incredible.

“Fucking hell,” you muttered under your breath. 

Carmen huffed in amusement. “I know.”

“This is… this is insane.” 

He nodded slowly, coming up to stand beside you as the door swayed on its hinges, before settling shut. “It feels like a dream, somedays,” he said, admiring the workspace with you. “And some days, it doesn’t.” 

“I’m so proud of you, Carm.” You smiled. He smiled back, and for just a moment it was as if no time had passed. It was like you were back in the diner, talking about your dreams together. A place to call your own, and all that jazz. Perhaps, those dreams were still there somewhere.

“I’m not sure I deserve that,” he replied, but not quite jokingly enough for your liking.

You sent him a side-eyed stare and caught the look on his face– fear, or perhaps, damage. When he hit your eyes a second later, that look melted away. All you saw then was warmth. Carmen didn’t often show much on his face, but you could see it all. The years you’d spent alongside him had taught you more than how to run a restaurant; you were one of a handful of people that could seamlessly read Carmen like a book. 

That’s why your gut coiled innately. That look wasn’t one that you’d take lightly. 

“How’s it all going?” you asked. 

He let out another huff and shrugged his shoulders, before opting to move away and roam the clean kitchen. “I can’t complain.” He swiped his hand across the stainless steel workbench. 

“And that chef, David or whatever his name is, how is he?”

Carmen froze for a fraction of a second, but it was enough to make your hairs stand on end. His arms tensed, until you saw the strength within his veins rise to the surface. He looked up at you sternly, clenching his jaw. “He’s an excellent chef.” 

“Okay,” you said. “That’s great. What about how he manages this place, manages you?”

“What is this, twenty fucking questions?” Carmen let out defensively.

It only cemented that you knew something was wrong. 

“Okay– I’ll pretend you didn’t just snap at me for being interested,” you let out belligerently. “What the hell is it, Carm?”

“Drop it,” he said sternly, moving away from you and over to the enormous shelves of shimmering white plates. “I got a James Beard award, didn’t I? I got everything I fucking wanted here, so just drop it.”

“Listen,” you started, fast walking your way around the central island and closer to him. “I get it, I’m not part of this world– your world– anymore. But I still know a thing or two about chefs and their giant fucking egos. What’s going on?”

Carmen closed his eyes and let out a subtly shaking breath. You were taken aback by this whole conversation, the drastic shift in his mood as soon you’d started asking questions. 

“Carm,” you said softly, dialling things down a little. “Just look at me for a second.” 

His shoulders relaxed, dipping into more of a tired hunch than his previous disposition of a deer in headlights. When his eyes hit yours, your heart lurched in your chest. Those eyes, god– the blue was etched in the corners of your brain. Like a clear sky in summer, or a glittering pool, or a calm ocean. Carmen was many things, but clear, glittering and calm were not traits that most people would pin onto him. 

Not you, though. This was the Carm that dreamt with you. This was the Carm that cut up tangerines into quarters for you whenever you asked, or even when you didn’t. Blue and orange, swirling together like the patterns on peppermint hard-candy or gingham squares on the Lucky Strike tablecloths. Ingrained. Permanent. 

“He’s taught me a lot,” Carmen whispered. 

You knew it wasn’t your place, but red flags popped up in your mind and billowed in the breeze immediately. He looked stripped back, a shell of himself, just for those fleeting seconds, and you fucking hated it. 

“You’ve been here for almost a year,” you said, swallowing away the butterflies that had started crawling up your throat. “Maybe now is a good shot to find something else.” 

Carm’s eyes widened brightly, and you saw all his plans from before; his restaurant, his staff, his food and the like. And then, as if a gust of wind uprooted the largest tree within his mind, that was gone. Replaced by something seething, something angry and not at all kind, Carmen rose. 

“You’re telling me to quit?” 

You took a small step back. “Of course, I’m not–”

“No, no, you fucking are.” He bit down on his tongue, you heard it. “You think being here for a few hours and one meal is enough for you to tell me what the fuck to do?”

“Carmen, what are you talking ab–”

“Fuck!” His shoulders squared off, and suddenly he was a corrugated iron board before you. Immovable, stuck in place. “You came here to tell me I’m strong enough, right? What, you want me to go back to the diner with Paulie and everyone else who’s never had a real fucking goal in their lives?”

“Wow,” you breathed out, laughing a little as a lack of what else to respond. 

You stood your ground, as much as you wanted to scream and yell like a petulant child. The look on his face, the brick wall he’d built so high around himself, was something you’d seen before– self-sabotage, tugging away from everything and everyone that was there to help. A level of acceptance and denial alike was testament alongside situations such as this; abusive situations. 

This Chef David was abusing the shit out of him. And Carmen was deep, way down to the core of it, just trying to get through his days, shift by shift, in any way possible. Even if that meant cutting off those dreams, cutting off people from his past– you. 

“You really think I’d do that?” you said bluntly. “You really think I booked this solo reservation a fucking year ago because I wanted to come and drag you back to the diner?”

Carm’s eyes brightened momentarily. “A year ago?”

You took another step back, careful not to immediately fall into him from the childish bewilderment on his face. It was like he’d never had someone care, but you knew that wasn’t true. He just didn’t know how to spot when someone did, misconstrued it as someone trying to harm him, hurt him, ruin him. 

“I booked to come here a year ago, Carmen,” you started. “I fucking knew you’d make it here. I knew that when I came today, you’d be the one cooking my damn meal. I was fucking right.”

It was his turn to take a step back now, just a little. Perhaps he was overwhelmed because he wasn’t expecting this. Wasn’t expecting you to still stay supporting him after he left, or didn’t even want to think about what the guys at the diner might be saying about him after he’d gone. Little did he know, everyone still talked about him with smiles and bright eyes. 

Carmen Berzatto was the only motherfucker out there that didn’t know people supported him wholeheartedly. 

“I’m not telling you to leave, or quit, or whatever else you fucking think I was about to say,” you began again. Carm swallowed nervously. “You can think what the hell you want to think about us at Lucky Strike, but we’re still the same people we’ve always been. I guess that can’t be said about you now, huh?”

Carmen’s anxiety turned to anger in a heartbeat. “What, ‘cause I actually made a name for myself instead of you all staying in the fucking box you planted yourselves in years ago? If that’s why I’ve changed, then I’m fucking glad about it.”

“Fuck– there you go again!” you exclaimed. “You’re talking down to us like we’re pieces of fucking shit on your brand-spanking new shoes!” 

“And you’re looking at me with those fucking baby-eyes like I’m gonna crumble any fucking second!” Carmen screamed. “I can’t fucking stand it.”

You placed your hands on your hips and held your ground again. “He really got to you, didn’t he?” 

Carmen saw red immediately. “If you bring up Chef David one more fucking time, then I’m done.”

“You’re done? Huh, what the hell does that mean?”

“Done with you.” 

Your eyes widened. Bile started to crawl up your oesophagus. In that moment, you’d never felt more like your mother. You knew if you were to talk, you’d adopt her stern accent instantly. You popped your hip out and bent your knee, tired of fucking standing. 

“So, you made it to the big leagues, and now you’re throwing out all your trash. Is that what it is, huh?” You stepped forward once. Carmen stayed where he was. “Look at me right here, Carm.” You pointed to your eyes, not wavering once. “Look at me right here and tell me that you hate me. Do it right now. If you do it right now then I’ll know you fucking mean it. If you do it right now then me, and Paulie, and everyone from the fucking diner will call it quits with you like that.” You snapped your fingers on that. It cemented that you meant it. 

Carmen raised his chin, so close that your noses almost touched. In any other circumstance, maybe you’d have kissed him by now. Maybe you’d have realised that you both liked each other as more, loved each other once, still fucking did. 

But, that wasn’t this reality. 

When he didn’t say anything, you knew you’d won. He stayed as still as he could as adrenaline rushed through his blood. His fingers shook at the end of his arms. His chest thumped incessantly as oxygen tried to tear through his lungs. 

“No?” you asked, almost as a final warning. 

Carm breathed in. “I hate what you represent.”

“And what exactly is it that I represent?” you whispered. 

Suddenly, Carmen dropped his forehead on yours. His hands deposited themselves on either side of your neck warmly, gently. His fingertips set your skin alight. “The one thing I can never fucking have.” 

As much as you wanted tell him to get the fuck off, to stop touching you, your heart melted as soon as your skin felt his. You clamped your eyes shut, leaning into him. Carm let out a pent up breath. His breath was warm as it skimmed your skin. 

“Carmen.” You swallowed. “Please.” You paused. “I– love you,” you stuttered. 

“I know,” he replied. “I know you do.” 

For just a second, you thought he was going to kiss you. It’d be easy to drop his lips onto yours, you were right in front of him. Heads touching, breath mingling, sharing each other’s air like it was the most normal fucking thing to do. 

You wanted him back, it was true. But not like this. Not broken, or bruised, or damaged beyond repair. It wasn’t his fault, you knew that. He’d been moulded this way. But, it was his responsibility to do good for himself. One deep dive into this entire conversation and you knew that it was impossible for him to do that, at least right now. Carmen Berzatto was stuck, and you didn’t want to get yourself stuck in the process of trying to free him. 

He sucked in a sharp breath. “Leave,” was all he said. 

You shook your head slowly, tears welling behind your eyes. “Don’t push me away.”

“Leave,” he repeated, as his hands dropped from your neck to your shoulders. Gently, he started physically pushing you off him. 

“Carmen,” you spluttered. Your eyes opened to see him in pain. God, you fucking hated it. “I won’t come back if you do this. I really fucking won’t.”

He stepped back once, twice, three times. Eyes glued on yours, blue and glassy like a glacier, his heart as cold as one, too. “Good,” he said softly, headed for the door to the kitchen.

“You don’t mean that.” You urged him to stay. 

He only nodded. “I never want to fucking see you again.” 

Carmen left unceremoniously, without another word or glance or care. The kitchen door swung shut, bobbing on its hinges. The only sound you could hear was the buzzing of the refrigerators, and the breaking of your heart strings. 

PART THREE

[sydcarmyfan]

Has Carmy ever smoked around Sydney?

It is interesting that Carmy smokes in front of Nat, Richie and Marcus but never Sydney. Why doesn’t he smoke in front of her? Carmy is probably too busy staring at Syd that he doesn’t have time to smoke, or maybe his need to smoke decreases as he is with someone who brings him total peace. If Syd ever asked Carmy for a cigarette, would he give it to her or would he go into protective mode and state all the reasons as to why she shouldn’t smoke?

[chefkids]

thoughts on this article: https://dnyuz.com/2024/06/29/the-bear-jeremy-allen-white-explains-why-carmy-daydreams-of-sydney/

Sorry but I refuse to believe that Carmy finds peace in Sydney because she's just such a wonderful coworker. His panic attack in Season 2 was about his relationship with Claire and his family, nothing at all work related. He was not thinking about "Wow Sydney has some serious cooking skills!" there. He thought of the first time her met her, and when she came back to him when he thought she was gone forever. He has also worked with the best chef's on this planet with far better skills than Sydney, many of whom were calming and supportive presence in his life.

In Season 3 the thing that sets him off is seeing an imagine of meeting Claire in his mind. Then he is reminded of his fight with Richie.

He tries to think of The French Laundry and then Noma to calm down. Then he tries to think of Nat at Marcus's mom's funeral.

And only after that when Sydney talks to him he calms down. He's always stressing about work, in that moment the trigger was Claire, not work, and the peace was Sydney. Not because she is helping him do his job or work, but because her presence brings him peace and pulls him away from what causes him anxiety, which is remembering Claire who is tied in his mind to so much family trauma.

You can't shoot down what was already written! Carmy took Claire to Sheridan Road and Post Office like UPS, those are both tied to Sydney. He made her Sydney's pasta that led to her coming to him. He had a far more intense and passionate moment with her under the table making promises of prioritizing her over his girlfriend, never letting her fail, promising to always be there for her, giving her the most thoughtful gift one could imagine. Far more than he has ever had with Claire.

So what he's trying to say is that they have this deep cosmic connection, intense passion, and she brings him peace and happiness and security but the only thing he could never possibly have is any form of physical attraction towards her? That Sydney can meet all of his emotional needs and work needs and share the same interests and goals and passions. But Claire will always win at the end of the day, in spite of the lack of peace she actually brings him and there being seemingly no actual shared interests between them, because he just wants to sleep with her? Like...

1. I don't buy that Carmy has absolutely no possible interest in Sydney in terms of physical attraction.

2. If that's genuinely the case, and this is all ending with her either leaving forever and Carmy giving up or staying as his calming sidekick while he's endgame Claire, it is basically putting Sydney in some sort of black woman savior trope for him whose purpose is to serve him and his story and his progress while remaining undesirable, while also simultaneously giving her nothing back because he can't uphold any promises to her cause he's too damn busy thinking of Claire.

If they wanted to keep them platonic they could have done so after Season 1 without constantly drawing comparisons between Sydney and Claire and making her everything he wants and needs except being ya know.... his white girlfriend.

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Carmy had an anxiety attack and Sydney stopped it

The Bear | 3x3 | Hands

Let us not overlook the fact that this season Miss Adamu ALSO reverted another one of his attacks, just because we focus on her girlboss speech. OK? The girl bossing is great, sure, but that's not the point.

The point is that Carmy was having a stress-induced anxiety attack in the middle of service, which given S2 eps 9 and 10, was bound to happen this season, of course. And Syd stopped it. Very Sydcarmy material, IK. THAT IS THE POINT. But the B side of that point is that so far I saw NO ONE on Tumblr focusing on that part of this scene, unfortunately. Please make my day and correct me if I'm wrong. Show me a post where this guy is showed some compassion when analyzing this scene, and not a post just cheering up on her girlboss one-liner and butch-femme energy. It's like no one cares. Don't get me wrong, I'm ALL ABOUT that girlboss vibe too, one thing doesn't cancel the other one out in my book. But go ahead, show me that post that highlights his anxiety attack too when meta-analyzing that scene, I haven't found it yet. I'm not gonna lie, because of course I prefer to be right than popular: It pains me and infuriates me in equal measure that just because we all love Syd, some people seem to think that's some sort of license to completely disregard Carmy's mental health deprecating by the minute throughout the entire season, in a rather painfully obvious way, since he got out of that walk-in.

Anyway... Moving on. There's more.

Her words or even energy were not what calmed him down and prompted him to get out of the anxiety attack zone and collect himself, it was looking at her eyes. They locked eyes, held their gazes, and only then he was finally able to get it together. In that order, as can be clearly seen in the vid above. It’s the order what matters, he calmed down AFTER locking eyes for a moment, you can see the shift in his energy not as she was telling him she couldn’t babysitter him but AFTER looking at her with piercing eyes for a sec.

Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are not the same. I encourage you to do the research because if you really care you will and this post is not supposed to be educational, I'm not in the mood for that today, this post is cathartic for me. What I will say though is that patients with panic attacks also suffer from anxiety and can also have anxiety attacks. Some even find it hard to differentiate one from the other. Professionals don't. The difference is quite clear: The build-up, the symptoms, the intensity, the duration, etc. Carmy is a C-PTSD textbook case.

The stressor that triggered his anxiety attack this time around was the lack of HANDS, which can also be a metaphor for the lack of help Carmy gets. Syd is pretty much the only one who really helps him. Ever. He's surrounded by people, yet very alone. Granted, he's not the best at asking for help, and he's not the best leader either, and there's only so much Nat can do being in her 3rd trimester and all, etc, so like I said, it was bound to happen to him, and it did, and when it did, Syd put out the fire with her presence and her calm.

She didn't patronize him, he's not a victim around her, he's just himself. He's certainly not cool-relaxed Logan either, she's not his babysitter, and she's just as stressed out as he is, but she compensated his lack of temperance with her peace firmness, and he responded to it. Because even in the middle of an anxiety attack, Carmy never gets his eyes off the prize. HE HAS TO WIN THAT STAR FOR HER, NO MATTER THE COST → She's his star.

Let us please also notice the fact that the C person MADE YET ANOTHER APPEARANCE IN THE MIST OF HIS ATTACK. That's the guilt I mentioned HERE, eating him away inside and causing him apprehension in the least convenient moment because once an anxiety attack strikes, your defenses are down and whatever you are trying to bury deep down your psyche comes up full force. So she keeps contributing to his anxiety even when they're not even together anymore. Classic.

He also thought about the other source of guilt that is eating him away, his fallout with Richie and how his Cousin didn't forgive him yet, even when he apologized to him and told him he loved him.

Another stressor: GUILT.

OK. Thanks for coming to my TED talk about how Syd calms Carmy the fuck down every single time and I need him to do the same for her in the hallway in 04x01 and return the favor, or I will set FX on fire. Because in case you didn't notice, this post was actually about THAT.

Bonus track: To calm down he willingly tried to think of things and people that bring him peace, and not only he definitely didn't think of C at that moment, he thought of Nat, of his time in CA and in Copenhagen, and this time around HE DID NOT ALLOW HIMSELF TO THINK ABOUT SYD, WHO HE KNEW WOULD HAVE ENDED THE EPISODE ON THE SPOT. He deliberately didn't. But she showed up and did the trick anyway:

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[smallpintofspice-blog]

Season 3...wtf. Fuck the Faks.

Spoilers ahead.

I'm going through ep 9 right now... Ep 3 is by far my favorite of the season right now. The chaos from s1 is there. I love it. The lack of communication between Syd and Carmy, omg...this man hasn't sincerely apologized for anything. I mean no ASL at all! There' was no communication happening. After all the, "it's your ship now, captain" bullshit, he turned around and ran roughshod over everyone. I get it he doesn't want to let anyone down, but the vibe of the kitchen is way off; and Sydney is it's saving grace. The way Carmy is constantly yelling at everyone, especially Tina and how Sydney ignores him and calmly works with Tina to fix everything, fantastic. I love how everyone is doing their own thing...Tina with her dish and Marcus with his all the while Carmy is ignoring everyone. I don't like that they're trying to turn Claire into the peace that Sydney is for Carmy. There's too much overlap there. They're trying to make it seem like everything going on with Carmy this season is because he broke up with Claire when it's in fact his disconnect with Sydney. When I say they haven't communicated at all, I mean AT. ALL. I feel gross watching, and not even because I'm a sydcarmy fan but their chemistry in the kitchen is amazing and proof of it being off is when they were kinda running through the menu and everything Sydney said CArmy shot down. There's no, "vibrant collaboration" happening. Also, fuck the Faks. Like seriously, fuck them. I loved Nat and Donna in the hospital, long overdue. And Sydney popping up with food for Nat and family was fantastic. Also, I love that Sydney is hesitant to sign. Carmy is not a good partner right now. Pete is a sweetheart and Cicero is broke. What the fuck is this season!? I know this is a full run on sentence, but I needed to get this out.

[blaque-honeyy]

*sigh* I have so much to say about The Bear S3.

I think s3 exists in this type of limbo where there are soo many things happening but none of it is really moving the story forward. My confusion lies in not knowing if this was intentional or not.

I feel dissatisfied, but I'm slightly okay with it (?) knowing that we were told some of these events were going to happen and it wouldn't be authentic if these problems were resolved within the season. Whether or not I remain okay with the events of this season depend on figuring out what the purpose of s3 was.

There is this parallax effect happening throughout the entire season: where Syd & Carmy start out AGREEING to go through this together but once Carmy starts slipping into old behaviors, their perspectives on how to get to that goal become different. Opening the restaurant was supposed to be a big point of unity and fulfillment for them but it has only created more distance and promoted an unequal power balance between them. They are stuck and it feels like chaos moving in slow motion.

The silence between them is so damn loud it's unbearable. Watching the individual descents of both characters is so rough and exposes the toxicity of trying to create something new without addressing unhealed wounds.

I think the restaurant is a toxic relationship for Sydney. She loves and admires Carmy so much, and doesn't want to walk away from something that she's put so much effort into, but there's only so much compromising you can do before you start losing yourself. Syd is rightfully scared that she will forever live in Carmy's shadow.

Carmy is spiraling, blinded by tunnel vision to reach "success", and has lost the fucking plot. It was so interesting to see flashbacks of his career and seeing how compassionate and nurturing his mentors were and instead of trying to embody that, Carmy, DEEP in his trauma, is actively imitating the one man he accuses of destroying his physical and mental health.

Of course he still cares about Sydney. He wants to make her happy, give her the star she wants. But in his obsession to gain that success, he has completely pushed her (and everybody else) aside. His mission to prove himself individually (based off insecurities around his competency as a chef/business owner & not being able to provide for his friends & family) has taken precedence over his commitment to her. As painful as this evolution of their relationship is, I do like the direction and I think it was handled pretty well.

Points of contention for me:

I couldn't give two shits about Claire–sorry. The fact that they retroactively added soo many scenes from when they were together seems contrived and looks like another bid to put another relationship above Syd & Carmy's. Neil telling Claire "you're the peace"???? DON'T PISS ME OFF.

Is this The Bear or The Fak Show? There were a lot of Faks introduced in this season and their banter seemed like it was created to fill in dead air. It was very annoying at some points. (John Cena was great though I can't say anything bad about that man.)

Adding too many tertiary characters. The Faks, the old employees of The Beef to help Ebra. Adding all these characters instead of fostering interactions between the core group.

This might be a hot take but they spent WAY too much time on Nat's pregnancy before the birth. Also, she had this baby and NOBODY but the Faks came to see her in the hospital?? BYE.

Things that I solidly liked:

T's episode! Her struggle with unemployment, losing hope, and then meeting Mikey was easily the most endearing moment of the season for me. Then watching her start to develop her own ideas and creativity in the kitchen was just 🤌🏾🤌🏾🤌🏾.

Again, although I'm team SydCarmy, I like this stage of their relationship. Exposing the flaws, and exploring ways they need to improve for themselves and for each other. I WANT Syd to leave The Bear because 1) it would be good for her health and to see how a good restaurant is supposed to operate 2) I firmly believe that will be the catalyst to making Carm get his shit together. I want him to PANIC. I want him to BEG. I want him to CRY. 😊

As you can see, the latter list is not long enough. There were plenty of things I didn't touch on but that would make this post 5x longer.

I can see how s3 could be the low point of the series. A lot of these episodes would be considered fillers in plenty of other television shows. I appreciate the change of pace but would like it more if it was handled better. And I'm mad that I have to wait a YEAR to get REAL story development after this.

[outmakingmoonshine]

(Some of) my hopes (and some theories) for S3

The number 1 thing I want is a scene after Nat's had her baby where Carmy sees Syd holding the baby and his entire world stops bc that's all he wants for his future 😭 If Sydcarmy kiss or something I'll be happy and I'll reblog every single gif of it like a normal person BUT if we get a Syd holding the baby scene I'm gonna be uncontrollable on every social media platform available. I might even post it on Reddit and watch the meltdown! This is where the bar of my expectation is for S3. If we get this (or anything remotely like it) I'll be so satisfied, any other good thing that happens between Sydcarmy will be a bonus for me.

We know we're getting a Syd x Pete scene and I want a Carmy x Pete scene where Pete's talking about how great Syd is and Carmy can't help but warm to him a bit more. The potential relationships between Syd x Pete and Pete x Carmy are so important to me 🥹 my three awkward, anxious lonely babies (Pete's not lonely now but I think he probably was once upon a time and the Berzatto men singling him out of the family must make him feel lonely and not good enough :( I love Carmy but I will fight him for Pete's dignity and honour!)

Putting the rest under a cut because it's mostly just my musings and ramblings

I want Nat to say something to Carmy about his relationship with Syd. Nat saw their dynamic before Claire came, she saw Syd's reaction to Claire, how sydcarmy's dynamic changed when Claire was around and how Carmy ditching her made Syd feel. She didn't witness all of that for nothing. Someone's gotta tell Carmy how he's been (unintentionally) making Syd feel and I doubt it'll be Syd.

I need to see Richie start respecting Pete at least a little bit. Carmy's already kind of made a step towards respecting and even appreciating Pete for who he is a bit more but I need to see it from Richie too because I'm pretty sure he's the one who leads that little mob mentality against Pete. Even if it doesn't actually happen this season, I need to see it heading in that direction because Pete doesn't deserve all this slander 😭 I need Richie and Carmy to start seeing that the only difference between them and Pete is that he's mature and confident in who he is. They're both not confident in who they are so their only way of feeling like they're above him/better than him is to make fun of him for it. (IRL grown adults with this infantile mentality get on my last nerve so I need to see them come to a realization soon.)

I want Donna to make amends and start finding peace. I know she's technically an antagonist in this story but it really bothers me the way people dismiss her as if she's some monster like we aren't watching Carmy treat the people he loves the exact same way she does. If we can empathize with a man for his toxic behaviour we can empathize with a woman who was going through her own trauma and loss while she had 3 kids (plus Richie) to look after. Any parent who welcomes another person's child into their family unit for years and makes them feel like part of the family despite whatever she's going through, isn't a monster imo. I know she traumatized her kids but honestly, most parents do that and have no remorse about it. Donna has remorse for her actions and the effect it had on her kids. And what is Carmy doing to Sydney's self-esteem and confidence right now? He's definitely not helping it! l If I can forgive Carmy because he's acting on his trauma and I understand he's not just a horrible person by choice, I can do the same for Donna. I know some ppl just don't like JLC because she's pro-zionist (idek I just saw this online somewhere?) which I understand but at the same time, the actress is seperate to the character. Donna's favourite person in the world is gonna be her beautiful black daughter in law! She's gonna love and appreciate Syd so much.

I want Donna's story to end with her starting to heal so people watching this show know that even late in life when you've made all the worst mistakes and inflicted your pain on others you can still heal and try to right those wrongs. It's never too late to start being a better person. This wasn't meant to turn into a rant about Donna but I think the way some fans talk about her character is so unfair and narrow minded because they don't keep the same energy for Carmy.

Some of my theories for S3

I know no one wants to hear this but I think 3x09 Apologies will be an apology to Claire where Carmy finally comes clean about why he gave her a fake number and why he can't be with her, putting an end to romantic Claire/Carmy for good. If we see the end of Claire in the first few episodes I'll be happy but I doubt they'll waste the "suspense" of Claire/Carmy vs SydCarmy by ending it 3 or even 4, 5 episodes in. I don't think she'll be in all 9 episodes leading up to it tho (please no, I love Molly but that's way too much of Claire.)

JAW said during awards season "Claire deserves an apology" which seemed random to me at the time because no one asked him that, he just brought it up and we all know Syd is the one who deserves the biggest apology from Carmy. Idk if they were filming S3 yet when he said that but he already knows where the story is going. Actors don't just play character's "blind" without knowing something about where their story is leading, especially main characters.

I think they'll do the Syd/Claire switcheroo and make it seem like Carmy's going to apologize to Syd (because it will be glaringly obvious he needs to) but it'll be him telling Claire the truth and ending things with her. Idk if Syd will get an actual apology (it would mirror 1x08 where Marcus got the actual apology and Syd didn't even though she probably deserved it more) but I think we will get some kind of super intimate heartwarming/heartbreaking scene from sydcarmy in that episode, just like 2x09.

Also Ayo said something like sydcarmy fans won't get what they want in S3 and it's the one time I actually believe her.

I think we're going to get some amazing sydcarmy scenes in S3 but I don't think it's going to end well for them. I think S4 will mirror S1 and build their dynamic up again back to what it was before Claire came in 2x03. I think S4 is gonna be THE sydcarmy season.

I'm in two minds about whether Syd will sign the contract or not. I'm leaning towards no because despite it meaning Carmy can't just leave again, going off to do whatever he wants with "wHoEvEr" and she'll have his full focus, I just don't think she wants a legal contract to be the basis of why they're committed to working together. Syd's never tried to tie Carmy to her so I don't think she'll appreciate him doing it to her. Carmy's doing this out of desperation, not out of purely wanting to collaborate with her and Syd will sense that. I think Syd wants him to want to work with her. That's why she never actively tried to get him to stay and work with her in S2 and she could've been way more direct and harsh than "I need your focus like you need mine", Lord knows he would deserve it but she isn't trying to force him. That's why she never made him feel bad about being with Claire either even though he ditched her for Claire right when they were getting closer. She doesn't want to guilt trip him or make him feel like he owes her something, she wants it to be his own decision. She wants him to show that he wants it just like she does. And he does...but he just doesn't know how to show it in a healthy way and toxicity raised him so I can't blame him.

Idk what's gonna happen between Syd & Marcus or Syd & Luca but I don't think it actually needs to be romantic to make Carmy jealous, especially if he and Syd aren't seeing eye to eye. I don't think it's necessarily gonna be romantic for Syd either, even if they see her that way. Just like Carmy didn't really see Claire romantically (in present day anyway) and I will die on that hill. That man had zero romantic interest in her despite literally kissing and having sex with her. It was more like he was just going through the motions of a "normal" relationship than it being something he genuinely wanted. Why does he show SO MUCH want and desire for Syd but not a single iota of the same for Claire?!

Seeing Syd get close to any other man is going to bother Carmy regardless, especially if he knows the man is attracted to her. But I feel like Syd is a 'connection before anything else' kinda girl (Carmy is too, that's why having sex with Claire literally sent him into a spiralling panic attack the morning after) but Syd doesn't have the exact same issues and trauma that Carmy has so I can't see Syd being with or sleeping with someone she doesn't feel connected to like that. I could be wrong but I can't see her changing her mind about Marcus and suddenly dating him at this point. She seems like someone who knows what she wants and won't settle for less just because it's available. (Not that Marcus is "less" than anyone, my sweet little cherub.) I could see her feeling a connection to Luca though, he's basically a calm version of Carmy that pays attention.

Ayo basically saying in an interview that Will Poulter pays attention to her instead of his phone was such a random piece of info imo. I get it made context in the story she was telling but it just seems like such a deliberate pointed thing to bring up knowing right now in the show Syd doesn't feel appreciated or listened to by Carmy. She could've answered the question without mentioning Will at all tbh, and even if she did mention him she didn't need to mention all of that, give us a whole backstory and everything, idk. This might be a reach but I'm pretty sure they give out of context clues like this in interviews, they definitely do it in the show so I wouldn't be surprised.

I think it was a clue about the dynamic between Syd and Luca in S3 and the difference between Carmy and Luca is Carmy's unfocused and makes Syd feel like he doesn't listen to her but Luca makes her feel like he pays attention to her. I still don't think this needs to be in a romantic sense but I'm happy for Syd to get some TLC from a hot blond guy with tattoos before Carmy sees sense.

Idk we'll see how that story plays out in S3 but if the fact Luca pays attention to her is a plot point (even a subtextual one) I'm taking that story from Ayo as an out of context spoiler.

I love Marcus and I adore Lionel BUT I just can't see Marcus and Syd being together. Their vibe is so brother/sister to me that it would just be weird at this point in the show imo. The same way sydcarmy ending the show only ever being "platonic co-workers" would give me weird inappropriate vibes about their dynamic throughout the show. The romantic dynamic between sydcarmy and the platonic dynamic between Syd x Marcus are kinda set in stone imo, especially after S2. It'll be very difficult from a literary standpoint to drastically change those dynamics in a believable way and keep the quality of storytelling and integrity of the show intact at this point. It's not impossible, I just don't think it's likely at all.

I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to Marcus's storyline in S3. My mum died when I was young so seeing kids (even if they're adults) attending their mum's funeral on shows/movies always makes me emotional, especially when it's a character I care about. (If we get a flashback of Syd at her mum's funeral I might actually die of sadness bc I'm not ready for that! I've had enough time to accept I'm gonna see Marcus's mum's funeral but if they spring Syd's mum's funeral on me too it might actually break me idk.) I am looking forward to seeing him be supported through it though and other than his mother's funeral storyline I'm excited to see where his story goes in S3. I feel like Carmy's gonna be an asshole to him if he starts getting closer to Syd and while I love the angst and jealousy of SydCarmy he better not hurt Marcus's feelings or be too hard on him. I can't wait for some Marcus x Luca scenes too.

I nearly forgot the loml, Tina! I'm so excited to see her story in S3, idek what to expect other than her backstory episode that Ayo's directing 🙌🏽 but I'm sure I will love it. Liza does so well in this role at making me feel things (all of the cast do tbh but Liza as Tina just plucks my heartstrings on a different level.)

If you read this far, thank you I appreciate you 💛

[mswyrr]

Things like prolonged abuse can give people very uneven social and emotional development. They can be very responsible and "mature for your age" in some areas and also very stunted and immature in others.

This can also happen for, say, LGBT people who were closeted during pivotal periods of development too, where dating and discovering themselves happens later and there can be a development gap for a time. And grief around never getting to be a kid when they were a kid can be a thing for people once they try to connect with the things they had to cut off because they weren't safe to feel them. I went through some of that myself, from various sources, so I have a lot of empathy for that and how absurd/frustrating it can be.

(And a lot of hope - it doesn't, as far as I've seen and experienced, take someone very long to "catch up" after a while of fumbling around like an idiot)

Anyway - sometimes I see people reading Carmy's "accidental fuckboi" behavior in terms of how a grown man who's been dating since he was a teen would be thinking/feeling, if he behaved like that. But, for me, I interpret that differently because of the “first” situation and the developmental stuff. IMO, he's basically being a feckless/inexperienced teenager dating for the first time here, because in this area of his life he is still developmentally a dumb feckless teenager (and one who is trying and failing "not to be shitty" without much of a clue what that looks like).

Doesn't make the harm less real, but the intent I think is shaped deeply by the fact that, for the first time in his life, he feels safe enough (because of how much responsibility Sydney and Nat are taking on and that is absolutely not fair to them!!) to try to enjoy things. And he thinks maybe he can even make that work with being responsible somehow, but... utterly clueless about how.

There's the caveat that he didn't go out and choose to start dating at this pivotal moment for the business - dating found him and there's complexities around how much he wanted it to find him right here and now and how much he feels obligated to be what his family/friends/Claire wants him to be. I think he'd have been able to turn down anyone who wasn't as deeply tied to his family as Claire, and I'm not ignoring his agency in the situation, but they chose to bring someone in who he'd find it incredibly difficult to balance pleasing/doing what he's expected to do by while balancing everything else for a reason.

The "executive function" stuff where he's staring at the calls coming in and unable to answer either of them is key for me, in terms of this being someone who just isn't functioning well rn at all and is coming to a real crisis point and trying to ignore that/salve that any way he can think of. Masking really hard and deep in denial and trying to keep a lot of plates spinning without being very intentional about any of it.

It leads to sucky behavior and he's responsible for that--and the other characters can and should hold him responsible for that, but especially for actually addressing the core gravity warping untreated mental illness that's motivating a lot of this frantic rushing around and being a prick-- but I don't personally see much of it as a crime of intent. Intent requires a level of insight and experience that he doesn't have in the area of dating specifically lol

That balance of someone being responsible for their actions but also, for various reasons, in a place that mitigates and shapes what they're able to do--based on the tools they have--is an interesting part of the story that gets touched on again and again through various characters. It's interesting and it can coexist with the people around someone having the right to protect their own peace and boundaries.

[probablyin-bed]

the bear spoilers ???? kinda????? read at ur own risk I guess

can we talk about how this season of the bear ended bc I have so many things to say. sydney having a full blown panic attack. carmy is turning her into him. he unfortunately turned himself into chef fields. and we alllllll see how he feels about that fuck head, so.

aside from that tho, I absolutely loved their little kick back and syd's place. seeing all these chefs who take everything so seriously be loose and have fun and just fuck around with the faks & richie and just have fun it was very nice to see that. I - loved - seeing chef terry going through syd's fridge and finding the frozen pizza and going "chef terry loves this shit". olivia Colman is a treasure!!!!! also peep richie and jess . hmmmmm

ALSO ! I think carmy needs to be alone LOL like he does not need to have any romantic relationships. poor claire dude. yes, she is indeed the peace so leave her tf alone lol. and keep sydney farrrrrrr away from that relationship too. I absolutely hate that ship bc my girl doesn't need anymore stress from carmy. my boy needs to heal a hell of a lot more. but I did pick up on her little flirtations w luca and I am so incredibly down for that ! (but maybe im reading into that wrong idk)

sugar. nat. I love you. you are top 3 characters for me in this show and you're not 3 ! the whole ice chips episode. ugh. pete is also such a himbo sweetheart. he loves his wife and is just so good.

richie breaks my heart. love him so dearly. that is a girl dad if i've ever seen one. he's trying so hard. he's just too too too good.

fucking john cena as sammy fak? he doesn't look like a fak but god did he fit so well. the 3 of them bouncing off of each other comically was incredible. it worked so well.

i'm sure I have more to say but I need to do a rewatch already so

[currentlyfckingurmom]

Her Song part 7

I focus on my breathing as I round the corner, dodging a mother pushing a stroller. "Sorry," I breathe out as I continue my run. It's early— way too early to be out on a run, but I have to go before the store opens, and I like to watch the sunrise. This morning, the sky is a perfect painting of refreshment. Watercolors of pink and orange reflect off the river, taking my mind off the ache in my muscles.

I stop in the middle of a small bridge to catch my breath and admire the view. Leaning on the railing, I can see my breath in the crisp fall air. Briefly closing my eyes and tilting my head back, I try to reign in some peace. My peace is short lived, however, when someone calls my name.

"Y/N! Hi!" Florence shouts, jogging over to me with another blonde woman in tow.

"Hey, Florence. What are you doing out here?" I ask, gesturing to the remote park around us. Very few people come to this park, which is part of the reason I love it.

"Going for a run. We don't usually come this early though. Do you usually run here, as well?"

"Yeah. Yeah, as often as I can."

"Oh! Where are my manners? Y/N, this is Scarlett," she says, pointing to the other woman behind her. "Scarlett, this is Y/N. The one who owns the shop I go to."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Scarlett says with a small half-smile, reaching out for a handshake. "From what Florence has told me, you must make quite the impression. I could swear she's in love with you by the way she talks about you."

"H-hi, yeah that's-that's nice," I squeak out, dumbfounded by the fact that I'm shaking Scarlett freaking Johansson's hand.

"Wow, how come I didn't get this kind of reaction when we met?" Florence asks, pretending to be insulted.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to fangirl. You're just- you're you and I used to watch Marvel movies with my dad and- I'm just gonna stop now," I nervously cut myself off.

"No, don't apologize. It's cute," Scarlett says with a smirk. Florence elbows her and I look between them, laughing awkwardly. What the fuck is happening.

"We've really gotta go, but I'll see you at the shop later, yeah?" Florence says.

"Yeah, of course."

"Hey maybe I'll swing by, see what all the hype is about," Scarlett adds, looking me up and down. Did she just? No. No way.

"I'd love that. Fair warning though: my kid will probably freak if she sees you guys. She's totally obsessed with Marvel—especially Nat and Yelena," I tell them.

"That's no problem. I'm sure I'll love her," Scarlett assures me.

"Yeah, and I can't wait to formally meet her," Florence says sincerely, blushing as she looks into my eyes. I search her eyes for any hint of what she might be feeling, but find no answers.

Scarlett awkwardly clears her throat, and Florence and I end our accidental staring competition. "Right. I'll see you guys later," I say before they take off once more. I jump around and try to wipe the giddy smile off my face, but I can't. So I resume my run, which will surely rid me of any scraps of joy I was feeling.

When I return home, Syd still hasn't woken up, which is probably a good thing. I don't really want her wandering the apartment alone, but I know and trust both of our neighbors. I try not to leave her home alone often, but I can only rely on Ash so much.

I peel off my sweaty clothes and take a quick shower. Then I wake Syd up and we get ready to head to the shop. I buckle her up in the back of my WRX and hop in the driver's seat, starting the short drive to the shop.

When we get there, Ash isn't there yet, so I unlock the store and open everything up. About a half hour later, she arrives and clocks in before choosing music to play. She puts on Sinatra's A Man and His Music and the soft melody of "Put Your Dreams Away" fills the shop.

"Momma this music is boring," Syd complains, sitting on the checkout countertop.

"Sydney Fleur Y/L/N, you take that back," I gasp. "Don't make me disown you."

"Yeah, Sydney. Don't you ever insult Sinatra again," Ash teases. Syd sticks her tongue out at Ash, who then does the same in return.

"You're both children," I tell them as the bell above the door rings.

I smile and wave, beginning to greet them before Im cut off by Syd yelling, "Momma, it's Natasha and Yelena! Momma, look!"

"Babe, you remember that discussion we had about how those characters aren't real? This is Scarlett and Florence. They're the actresses who play Natasha and Yelena," I explain.

"Oh. Well I don't care," she states loudly, before leaning over to whisper, "Momma are they your girlfriends?"

"No, no they are not my girlfriends," I laugh quietly.

"That's stupid," she grumbles.

I look back over to them and say, "Sorry about that. What can I get for you, Scarlett? I already know what the Brit wants."

"Can I please have a double shot cafe Americano?"

"Definitely," I say with a smile, motioning for Ash to ring them up as I start the drinks. "For here or to go?"

"For here," Florence replies, watching me as I work.

Seeing as I can't write on a mug, I grab a napkin and write "Walkin' After Midnight by Patsy Cline" on it, placing it under her tea as I set it in front of her. I make Scarlett's drink next. I hear my phone ring as I hand her the coffee, but Syd answers it.

"Hi, Grandpa! No, Momma is working," she says into the phone. I smile briefly and watch her, not really wanting to talk to him. It's a complicated relationship. "Momma, he wants to talk to you."

I take the phone from her and head out back. "What's up, Dad?"

"I was just calling to check in. I miss you. You should come home to visit. I haven't seen Syd in forever."

"Dad, there's no way in hell I'm going back to that town. If you want to see Syd, then you're gonna have to come to New York. I'm sorry, but-"

"No, no, I get it. After what this town did to you...Look, how about I come to visit? Just for a few days. I can even watch Syd so you can go out with your friends. Or possibly a girlfriend?"

"There's no girlfriend. Sorry to disappoint. But of course you can come. I really have to go back to work, so text me when you have a plan, okay? Love you."

"Love you too. Bye."

I hang up and go back into the shop. "Sorry about that."

"Don't be, Momma. I was just about to tell Scarlett and Florence how you're a stripper!" Oh god.

[sydneyrowe]

━━━ SYDNEY ROWE. ━━━━

full name: sydney isabelle rowe.

gender & pronouns: cis female, she/her/hers.

age: thirty-one.

occupation: owner of ‘ pie in the sky ’ bakery.

residence: suffix mills, heartsdale.

hometown: seattle, washington.

sexuality: pansexual. 

relationship status: divorced, single.  

ooc.

hi friends ! i’m nat, and this is my bby sydney. connections, official biography & stats are my mission while i’m traveling & will be linked as i finish them, but consider absolutely everything and everything wanted for my lil commitment-phobe baker baby, and consider me stoked to get to know all of you and your babies. there’s a lil fast and loose description below, you can hit me up through the ims or on discord, johansslut#0330 ! 

about.

mentions of: neglect. 

grew up with her mom and older brother, dad never in the picture and never more than a name to her — her mother wasn’t the best at being a mother, so to speak, was always infinitely more interested in dating or job opportunities and not her kids

because of this, sydney and her brother grew up very independent and very close to each other, essentially parenting themselves and the other 

sydney had a hard time spreading her wings and flying away from her brother because that was her comfort, but if there was anything that could steal her away ? relationship

she had a very skewed idea of what relationships looked like thanks to her mother, tended to jump into things very seriously very quickly, only for it to end just as fast. most relationships, platonic & romantic, were typically very surface level

went to college at uw tacoma, majored in business administration

wasn’t really? interested in it, was an easy way to float through school while filling her social quota & working odd jobs on/off campus in order to help her brother pay rent for their tiny apartment in seattle

she graduated and ended up meeting tall, dark, handsome — it was kind of game over for her from there

dated for six months and then got engaged, shortly married thereafer, and sydney moved back with them to atlanta

was essentially a trophy wife which she kind of loved??

up until her then partner ( keeping it gender non-specific bc would eventually like to make this a wc ! ) decided, nah, wasn’t gonna work, peace out girl scout

sydney was crushed

hindsight is 20/20 but syd is essentially blind

was way too proud & stupid to go back to her brother bc he had called their demise, felt too much like her mother’s daughter, and needed a fresh start in order to feel somewhat like her own person

moved to heartsdale and took over a small business in suffix mills, turned it into a bakery since sis stress bakes

has been in town for 4-ish years 

is a Hot Mess Express but a semi-sweet Hot Mess Express !

[this-is-our-fandom]

Stucky: My Little Princess

Pairing: Dad!Steve x Dad!Bucky x Daughter!Reader

Rating: PG (Mature audiences)

Warnings: Foul language.

Steve rakes a seat next to his long term boyfriend, Bucky Barnes. Bucky smiles and wraps an arm around Steve and pulls him closer to him. Steve sighs and rests his head on Bucky's chest. Nothing really had happened in the tower today, or any other day.

"I'm bored." Steve mumbles, leaning up and pressing a kiss on Bucky's jaw, Bucky closes his eyes and places a hand on Steve's back.

"Get a room, please." Wanda laughs walking into the room. "No, I'm joking, please, do as you guys wish. It's cute." Steve blushes and sits up straighter.

Bucky only laughs, "I'm bored too." He whispers in Steve's ear making Steve shiver in delight.

"You too would have a cute child if it was possible." Nat says walking in to grab her phone before smiling at them and walking out, Steve's cheeks burn a bright red colour. Bucky was also blushing slightly, but not as much as Steve.

Steve wanted to adopt a child for Bucky and himself but didn't know if Bucky wanted the same. Steve wanted to have a family and be a father with Buck but was too nervous to ask about it.

Bucky had also felt the same about having a family with Steve and he also didn't want to ask because he was nervous as well about it. Bucky fantasied about being a father when no one else was around, just to imagine a little ball of joy in his right arm would make him feel so bubbly inside. He would never let his child touch his metal arm though, in fright he would hurt them.

"-cky? Buck, hey?" Steve was shaking Bucky slightly, Bucky blinked a few times and looked down towards Steve.

Bucky stuttered along his words slightly, "s-sorry, what was t-that?" Steve chuckles and presses a firm kiss to Bucky's soft lips.

"I ask if you wanted lunch." He says and kisses his cheek.

"Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, sorry, sure, thanks." Steve frowns at Bucky's weird behaviour before shaking it off and walk towards the kitchen grabbing out two bowels for mac and cheese.

Wanda laughs and sits next to Bucky, "I know." She says.

Bucky turns to Wanda with wide eyes, "I don't know what your talking about." He defends himself, he knew what she was going to say.

"Yes, you do. You want a child with Steve, cute really. He wants the same," Bucky's face lit up at what Wanda said, "I can actually make that happen, I can use my powers to create you both a child with both of your DNA's so it can be your biological child." She finishes. Bucky had tears in his eyes, was this going to actually happen? He thought to himself.

"Buck, did you want chicken or che- hey, what's wrong?" Steve rushes to Bucky's side, pulling him in a hug.

Wanda smiles, "I just told him that you both can have a child. I can use my magic to make it happen. You both can have a biological child." Steve whips his head towards Wanda.

"You- you can do that?" Steve whispers, Wanda smiles and nods towards them both. Steve turns towards Bucky again and Bucky was wiping his face. "Do you... want this?" Steve asks unsure.

"God yes Steve, I've wanted to have a child with you since we got together." Bucky says, Steve now also had tears in his eyes.

"Wanda..."

"Come with me." They all stand and walks to her room with Steve and Bucky close behind. "Now a few questions before I start. What gender?"

Steve turns to Bucky as Wanda gets a notebook and pen.

"Up to you." Steve says. Bucky's eyes search Steve's before answering.

"A girl."

Wanda nods, "how about looks?"

"I want her to looks exactly like Bucky." Steve smiles towards Bucky and he blushes.

"As long as she gets too have a personality just like yours." Bucky says and now it was Steve's turn to blush.

Wanda laughs at their cheesiness, "before or after serum?"

That was the question that neither of them wanted to hear. They wanted her to be before the serum so it feels like they have to protect her at all costs but they wanted her after the serum so she wouldn't get hurt. "How about I put her before the serum so if you want her to have the serum we could do that?" Wanda asks.

"Yeah, yeah, cool. Um yeah." Steve rambles.

"Is that all?" Wanda laughs.

"Yeah, I think so." Bucky's says.

"Please hop out while I do this." Wanda says and pushes the both of them out of her room.

Many minutes later they hear a soft cry and both Steve and Bucky burst into tears at it. Wanda opens the door with a small infant in her arms and hands the baby girl to Steve, he cries even more.

Steve looks down at his baby girl and sees blue eyes peering up at him, she had stopped crying and was mesmerized by Steve. "What's her name?" Wanda asks, pulling a crying Bucky into her arms.

"Y/n." Steve says. He hadn't looked up. Bucky pulls away from Wanda and goes to Steve, holding his right arm out.

Steve, with shaking hands, hands him their child. "She's beautiful." Bucky smiles.

And that's where the family they always wanted started.

16 years later.

I walk down the hall and into the lab where Tony was, "hey there To- To." I say, he turns with a smile.

"Hey y/n, how ya been?" He asks, grabbing his drink from the bench and taking a sip.

"Fine I guess, um, I was wondering if you could help me fix my laptop, I don't know what I've done but I won't turn on. I tried to charge it but it won't charge either." I say and hand him my laptop.

"Sure thing y/n, wasn't doing anything anyway." I smile and walk out the room, only to bump into someone.

I groan, "ouch. I'm sorry." I mumble and they help me up, I look up and see папа (meaning: dad, and in this case its Bucky) he smiles and I giggle hugging him tightly. "I was going to go to the movies with Rachel tonight, is that okay?" I ask.

папа smiles at me and nods his head. I frown, "why aren't you talking?"

He pulls out his phone and types it down, he hands me the phone and it says, 'I have that charcoal toothpaste stuff in my mouth, don't want it going everywhere, and yes, its fine too go to the movies.'

I laugh at him, "thanks папа." I giggle and run off towards me room to grab out my phone and jacket.

Rachel's contact lights up on my phone. "Rachel, hey!" I say pulling on my jacket and go to the front entrance before getting Nat to drive me to the cinemas.

"I'm here already so I'll get get the food then we can get tickets together."

"Sounds like a plan." I say and we say our goodbyes before hanging up.

When I get there, Nat smiles. "Have fun honey."

"Thanks Nat."

I close the door and walk over to the shop entrance, I see Rachel already sitting down on her phone with a mad look on her face. "Rachel, are you fine?" I ask, sitting down with her.

She jolts a little and turns to me, "oh sorry y/n, yeah I'm fine. Leo and I just got into a fight."

Leo was Rachel's boyfriend, honestly he was so controlling over her, he wanted to know where exactly she was at all times and who she was with. That's a bad relationship if you ask me.

"I'm sorry to hear that R." I say and give her a hug.

"Its alright. I wanted to come and enjoy myself, he doesn't know I'm here though." She looks almost frightened by this.

I move closer to her, "R, let's just enjoy the movie okay? You can worry about that later." She smiles and pulls me into a hug.

"Thanks shortie." I roll my eyes at her. She was so much taller than me, I was only 5'0, unlike her who was 5'8.

I looked like папа a lot, I had long dark brown hair, blue eyes, a strong jawline, tan skin just like him but I believe I act more like dad (Steve), I was more mature, believed what I do was good and hated bullies. I had been bullied ever since I went to school, mainly for how small I was and skinny I was.

Rachel and I make our way to Kmart to get some lollies and chocolate before we got our tickets.

When we finished there we make our way to the cinemas and get our tickets.

We find our seats in the crowd of many people also watching this movie. When the trailers start a couple of girls walk in and too the seats behind us. They were talking really loudly, I tried to ignore them and watch the movie but it wasn't really working.

"Shit." Rachel says, I look at her and down to her phone, I saw the messages Leo had been texting her, threatening her. Then his contact lights up on her phone, "I- I have to get this, I'll be back." She moves and walks down the stairs and out the door.

(Let me make up a stupid intro to the movie, here we go...) The movie then starts playing, it showed a man sitting down on the chair, tapping his fingers on the arm of it. He had a gun in his other hand pointing it to someone. The girls behind me squeal, "there he is!" One says in her high pitched voice.

My phone vibrates in my hand and I look down, "I'm sorry, Leo is picking me up. I couldn't say no, I'm so sorry y/n."

I send her a quick text, "its fine, I don't want you to get into trouble. See you whenever we get a chance next."

"Oh my God, look at him, he's so hot, Sydney look!" I turn in my seat.

"Can you please stop talking and respect others around you by letting them watch the movie in peace?" I ask.

The girls snigger at me and mumble stuff under their breathes.

Once the movies finished I walk out, pulling jacket over my body more to keep me warm. I text папа and dad to pick me up,  "Hey, you!" I turn and see the three girls from earlier.

I sigh and continue walking down the deserted alleyway to get to the parking lot.

One of the girls grab my by the back of the hurt and drags me back making me land on my back. I look up at them, please don't let this happen to me.

One grabs my collar and punching me in the face, another kicks me in my side. I try and push them off but the other girl grabs my arms and holds them back. They continue punching and kicking me until they hear a voice.

"Get away from her!" They yell, the girls drop me and run off, I fall to the ground heavily. I cough up blood and turn to see dad running to me with папа.

I try and pick myself up off the ground to make them believe I was fine but my arms give way and I fall back down. Dad pucks me up in his arms, "I'm fine, I bad them, I promise."I whisper.

"Not on the floor you didn't." Dad says with concern, he walks over to his chair and places me in the back seat, папа gets in the back too, placing my head on his lap. папа looks over me to see if I had any serious injuries. "What happened y/n, I'll make them pay for what they did to you."

"Well, once Rachel left the girls were sitting behind me and kept talking, I turned and said if they could stop talking because it was disrespectful. When the movie ended they found me and started beating me up." папа looks at dad and they share a smile. "What?"

"You did something very similar to what I did back in the 40's, there was this guy who kept talking and I told him that it was disrespectful, later on he found me and beat me up, that was until Bucky came along and showed the guy who was boss." Dad says, I smile a little.

"And I'd do that for my little princess too." папа says, looking down at me.

I laugh, "my little princess? Too cringy." I say.

"My little princess." Dad repeats.

[qaisallawati-blog]

My Alternate PLL Finale - Q

This is my second draft at attempting to write a finale that I would have enjoyed. I wrote this in a few hours. Feel free to edit, add, point out any mistakes, see if I have answered plotholes or created more. We can perfect this together ya’ll, you can change the whole thing if you want. I’m loving all the alternate endings the fans have created.

The way I wrote it is by making it as similar as how the show actually played out, but trying to make sense of the plotholes on the way. Before we start, A is:

Mary Drake = Wants Jessica’s life Charles/Charlotte = Wanted Alison’s life Alex Drake (Bethany Young in my version) wants to live Spencer’s life.

ONE: THAT NIGHT Sometime, before the events of the show started. Mary is looking for her daughters. She finds Charles / Charlotte DiLaurentis in Radley, and finds Bethany Young.

As they get to know each other they realize they have more in common than they thought, they were always so jealous of someone.

That Night Charlotte wears the yellow top Jessica sent her, and planned on killing Alison.

She kills her with a rock, Jessica witnesses this and buries Alison alive, and covers up for Charlotte with Wilden. She knows Charlotte is crazy just like her own twin sister.

Meanwhile, Bethany was watching the girls in a black hoodie. Instead of Grunwald saving Alison, Alison manages to get out herself bleeding so much she passes out next to the grave.

Melissa witnesses this, she had also witnessed Alison and Spencer having a fight. She buries Alison the second time, hence why the body had Alison’s bracelet on it.

Grunwald enters and this time, she pulls out Alison. She had a strong feeling of a girl who would be buried twice, her gift urged her to go save this girl.

And what Jason saw was exactly Alison and Melissa arguing about the NAT videos Alison copied onto her computer.

Also, Bethany hates Jessica, because she raised her brother Jason, and Peter raised his daughter Spencer and she was not.

Also, Mona did argue with Alison and wanted to hurt her with the shovel. She didn’t, Alison was too good at being a bitch.

Mona later sees Alison all dirty and bloody and is giggling inside her heart that Alison will leave Rosewood. She’s smirking knowing this “A” person has the balls to do this to Alison.

TWO: DURING THE YEAR AFTER ALISON GOES MISSING, AND THE DAY HER “BODY WAS FOUND” Mary, Charlotte and Bethany, got the idea of A from Charles and Lucas’s “Graphic Novel”. They became the A TEAM (AT).

KILL ALISON KILL JESSICA KILL SPENCER

This is the motive behind everything A does.

When Aria returns and school starts things happen exactly as the show. A somehow (insert idea here) found out Alison wasn’t in her grave anymore. They plant a fake corpse where Alison was buried.

Maya moves in to the DiLaurentis property, and they discover “Ali’s body”. A was blackmailing Wilden because he covered Alison’s murder and Marion’s (while he was a child 😂) This is why Wilden was after the girls.

The first A text comes up right after Alison’s funeral. Since everybody now knows Alison is dead and not missing, A wants to use the girls to find out where Alison is hiding.

A finds out Mona helped Alison escape that night and so recruit her on the A Team.

SEASON ONE SEASON TWO THREE: AFTER MONA IS REVEALED AS A “Cece Drake” went to visit her as Red Coat. Wren helped her get in. She was no longer a patient when “Charles dies”.

Mona revealed herself as A, because A wanted to divert the girls attention on Mona who has been torturing them ALONE. Also, Charlotte wanted to get into the liars life to find out anything they know about Alison.

Charlotte was using Alison’s diary and what Alison used to tell her about the girls for inspiration for their A threats. Remember, Alison was writing her diary for Spencer when she's "gone".

SEASON THREE FOUR: THE LODGE Bethany was in the black hoodie, while Charlotte was Red Coat. Shana did really “ruin” A’s plan when she burned down the Lodge.

The girls and Mona were inside. Toby and Spencer left before the girls arrived. Toby was knocked out by Bethany and threw his lighter to frame him. Spencer thinks she saw Alison, but she might have seen Charlotte because both were wearing a Red Coat. The important thing is now A knows that Alison will never neglect her friends when they are in danger.

FIVE: IMPORTANT SEASON FOUR FINALE NOTES Jessica is killed by Mary. Jessica was also used as Charlotte’s pawn to research the whereabouts of Alison. Jessica finds out that her twin sister Mary and Charlotte are behind everything bad that happened to Alison.

“I can’t protect you anymore” was Jessica to Charlotte. She was going to expose A, therefore Mary kills Jessica and one Drake got their MOTIVE FULLFILLED.

Wilden was killed by Charlotte because she knew if Alison comes back to Rosewood, Wilden would try to get rid of Alison. So A kills him to prepare for Alison to come back home.

Charlotte is arrested as for Wilden’s murder. She instead blames Spencer as the one who killed the girl you thought was Alison DiLaurentis, because Bethany asked her to torture Spencer, then flees to London where she meets Archer.

A implanted Bethany’s DNA as the one from the corpse, because even if they find out who Bethany Young/Bethany Drake is as Spencer’s twin, then they would think she is dead, exactly like if the girls would find out about Charles, well Charles is dead and no one knows he’s actually Cece Drake now.

Alison is found in Ravenswood. A finally has Alison back to try and kill her again. Phase two of A’s plan now begins. “We���re all in this together. - A”

If you notice A begins torturing Emily more than the other girls in season four, could be that A knew Alison would come save her, and she did from the sawmill incident. Aria exposes Charlotte as being Red Coat but for some reason they couldn't put 2 and 2 together.

SIX: A LITTLE ABOUT BETHANY DRAKE Bethany was adopted by the Young family. She was a genius child, smart for her age and exhibited psychotic behavior. She was sent to Radley where she met her sister Charles/Charlotte. Also, the Young family are British :D

Bethany loves to read books, on many different subjects. She’s a walking encyclopedia, taught herself a few different languages, extremely creative and inventive. She wears glasses. She really is UBER A. Charlotte is really BIG A. Mona is really Original “decoy” A. Mary is really Mama A ;)

SEVEN: SEASON FIVE OVERVIEW

Alison is back, her mother is dead. It was later revealed that Bethany Young was who is buried instead of Alison. Of course that corpse we will never know who it was, it was probably a skeleton “Cece stole from wherever”.

The girls try to link Jessica’s murder with Bethany Young, because they found the tape of her cursing Jessica and Alison.

Mona is on a pendulum deciding how much of a role she’ll play with A, for now she’s concerned about HER MOTIVE, which is getting Alison to fucking leave Rosewood.. bitch ;)

Phase three of A’s plan begins. The Dollhouse. It’s whole purpose was to make a switch of Spencer Hastings and Bethany Drake. The last time we ever see real Spencer is when she was crying in the dollhouse with fake blood over her asking A. “What did I do?” “Nothing bitch, you were born first and I was born jealous” - Bethany Drake. Bethany kills Spencer and takes her place. Again, keep in mind. Mona was always on the A Team but never knew Mary, Bethany and Charlotte was behind it.

Also, Bethany enjoyed getting Spencer to lose her mind, like when she was admitted to Radley, framing her more than once for “Bethany’s” murder. Charlotte enjoyed framing Alison for Mona’s “death”.

The other motive for building the dollhouse was to introduce the girls to the idea of Charles. This would set up A’s final game. Remember, Mary killed Jessica: Mission accomplished. Bethany killed Spencer and took her place: Mission accomplished. The only motive unfulfilled is Charlottes. Charles gave them a big clue recreating the year she won as prom queen.

EIGHT: SEASON SIX OVERVIEW Game On Charles…….. Game Over Charles. Charlotte willingly exposes herself as A. She is taken into Welby, her love Archer Dunhill made sure of that, and that she won’t end up in jail.

The girls are finally at peace and each goes on with their lives. Aria meets that hot nerd who helped publish Ezra’s stupid book. Hanna went to fashion school and is engaged to that other hot guy. Emily went through her fathers death, ignored her higher studies, and continued with bar tending and working hard everyday. You go gurl!

Oh and Bethany met Caleb, who he thinks is Spencer and they fall in love with each other. #Baleb

Here’s What A has been up to. Mary is chilling, somewhere. Bethany is living her life, but she misses the girls, she wanted that friendship. She knows the A game was what made the girls so close to each other, otherwise before A, the girls were Alison’s bitches.

Charlotte is in Welby and for the next five years is faking getting close to Alison. Mona and Jenna are a big part of this plan. Mona wants Alison out of the way because she is planning to coming back to Rosewood. Jenna has always hated Alison for making her blind. That’s a horrible thing to do to a person. I’d eat out my insides from guilt my whole life is I was Alison. Also a great Jenna twist would be that her glasses has a camera, she was always A's "eyes" and she always wears a head piece where A talks into her ears exactly like with Sydney Driscoll.

The plan is simple. Manipulating Alison into falling in love and marrying Archer, summoning the girls to Rosewood at the right time, and making sure Charlotte is allowed to leave Welby.

With this plan, Charlotte can finally have plastic surgery to make her look like Alison. Bethany, who is also an artist creates a prosthetic mask that looks like Charlotte, also Charlotte is an artist based on the “Graphic Novel”.

The day Charlotte gets released. Alison goes to the bell tower to meet Charlotte. She goes in and sees herself (Charlotte who looks like Alison now) holding a knife. The surprise makes her freeze from shock, enough time so Charlotte could stab and kill her. Alison’s body with a Charlotte mask is later buried.

A WON! Mwahahaha!

NINE: SEASON SEVEN AND ENDGAME Bethany and Charlotte want to start a fresh game, a one of a kind game called “LIARS LAMENT” They know their own A GAMES was the reason the girls became so close to each other. So they decided to have a new mini round. The game was not dangerous at all, it was fun, it was exciting. Aria was blackmailed, Emily has problems with Alison, and is surprised old bitchy Alison is back (because she is now actually Charlotte). Bethany is having fun living as Spencer. Hannah was tortured.

Hanna was tortured because Charlotte despised her for accidentally killing her soul mate Archer Dunhill. Also, Bethany is jealous that Caleb could leave her for Hanna.

This time around Emily is impregnated with Alison’s eggs and Archer Dunhill’s sperm. Both were fresh cadavers. This would be a present for Emily, that she could have a child who was half her soul mate Archer and half Emily’s soul mate Alison. Emison never happened, Paige helps Emily raise the child.

Hanna and Caleb get together. Aria and Ezra get together, Emily and Paige raise Alison’s baby girl together. Toby and Yvonne get married. Yvonne does not die. The game goes along as it does. Mary does really sacrifice herself for Bethany(Spencer) and Charlotte(Alison) and gives them The Lost Woods. The game ends on 7x19

TEN: THE REVEAL WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN Mona after her MOTIVE to kill Alison with Charlotte was fulfilled, for some reason she actually really felt guilty for going along with the plan. She never physically killed anyone. She was just part of a plan, but when Charlotte and Bethany messed with Hanna and tortured her and electrocuted her for “fun” That was were Mona drew the line.

The reveal would be Melissa and Wren coming back, Melissa shouting at her parents about Spencer, she gives Spencer a look of disgust and exposes her as Bethany Drake. All this happens during Arias magnificent wedding. Where all the girls at wearing beautiful dresses (Isn’t that a part of the appeal to PLL?), every main character, parents and guests would be there, so the reveal would not only be shocking for the liars and us but even for the parents and Tanner (If she was in invited) Even after everything she did to protect Spencer. Spencer really did die. Wren would be involved with Melissa and how Melissa was always protecting Spencer. So when now Spencer was targeted again for the murder of Archer Dunhill, she does her sleuthing and finds out Spencer is not Spencer, she may probably have had some help from a horse and blind girl.

I don’t know how the rest of the finale would have played out. The ending would be Bethany is cornered and interrogated by the liars, they have a silly fight and Bethany falls maybe off of a stage like Shana and accidentally but definitely dies.

ELEVEN: THE END Charlotte who is Alison now, goes and visits her mother Mary in prison, she’s mad 😡 and says to Mary “Mom, Bethany’s dead”. “Mary turns around with tears dropping from one side of her cheeks and says "Charlotte, honey, do you want to play a new game?”

Alison/Charlotte goes and looks at her dolls who look like the girls. She holds Spencer’s doll and pulls her head out crying and throwing her to the ground. She calms down, takes Mona’s doll and sits her right where Spencer was. Mona went against them because of Hanna, it's time for her to pay for what she did.

All the girls are at Bethany’s funeral with Mona. (Now you can dress them in black Marlene, not at Aria’s wedding.)They are burying Bethany into the ground and the girls and Mona get a text message at the same time saying “I’m still here bitches, it’s only over when I say it’s over - A”

Alison would turn and look at the camera, puts her finger in front of her lips and says shhhh, because only the audience knows she’s actually Charlotte, and two can keep a secret if one of them is dead ;)

Fin

“It’s not if we would exist without you, it’s if you will exist without us.” - Spencer Hastings from beyond the grave to the fans. xD

Aria: I had this hero, but heroes are not what they used to be anymore, so I got fascinated with the villain. Ezra: Does your villain lose in the end? Aria: Not sure, sometimes the villain wins. Ezra: Sometimes.

💋

*Afterthoughts:

Jenna gets her eyesight back in one eye and rocks an awesome eyepatch.

Bethany did push Marion off the roof, because she thought it was Jessica, and the incident took place not when they were children, but when they were older. Wilden not only covered for Bethany, he covered for Charlotte killing Alison too.

I still don’t know how Sara Harvey fits into all of this. I can only say that she was a part of Charlotte’s bitchy friends, and really used her because they were friends and because she was blackmailing her for something.

Everything Noel did was to avoid getting the fact he pushed the girl off the stairs and she died.

I think they played out Lucas very well, Shanna, Garret, Melissa would be furious that A killed Ian, I sincerely loved Paige the last season, even though I hated her before, because she fucking tried to drown Emily.

Who else did I miss? Oh yeah let’s please forget Leslie Stone. She was Bethany’s roommate at Radley, this is the first plothole I can see in my theory.

Hope you enjoyed reading this,

-Q

[godsfiercest]

Ah traumatized Nat speaking to her traumatized mother

And something about "I ask if they're all right way too often. When they are sick, I am sick".....omph

And there is something about trying to explain your pain to your mom who only vaguely sees her part in it and there is something about being so hurt by someone you know loves you but to be hurt that often and that deeply just...it will never actually be love and that hurts worse. It's both unintentional and intentional

Edit: Nat tells her she feels ugly. And how ugly her obsession with placating is. DD tells her how beautiful her birth was, and how beautiful Nat is. And you almost want to think she might not have gotten it but she leaves as soon as pete comes and she does it quietly

....

Yeaaaah "Claire" is what's haunting..

Yeaaaah she's peace.. (has small panic attack)

To Sydney:

I am in love with this season!!!!!!!

"You look nice"??? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

[getseriouser]

20 THOUGHTS: Sack Everyone Network

DOES this feel like 2017 or like 2018 more? 

Richmond in its premiership drought-breaking year, just two year ago, was placed almost exactly as they are right now. Sixth, poised, ready to launch into the top four, a finals date with destiny against higher-placed Geelong at its home ground…. its eery as anything.

But the West Coast, last year, sneakily got themselves without anyone noticing into the top two, almost assuring one road to the Grand Final had to go through them in Perth. This year, same same.

On that basis the Eagles are back in the Big Dance and on the other side of the equation who’s to say Richmond doesn’t repeat the process of 2017 if it gets another Qualifying Final against Geelong?

  1.       No real order to this week,  so if you stick with this to the end, go see a Doctor… Firstly why does the football media find itself on mid-season holidays? Sure, those who have jobs in other platforms could use a spell, such as those doing brekky radio for example. But why the pure football-only head overseas in July, with a university student-rivalling break in the off-season to look forward to, it’s ridiculous. I don’t blame them, I blame their employers. No wonder all our newspapers are closing, run by morons.

2.       Stick on media, so KB and SEN are no longer. If this made you upset you need better hobbies, or a girlfriend. He is 72 and very wealthy, he is fine. But interesting the backlash to it, especially as the story was ‘broken’ by a Herald Sun journalist who himself was sacked by SEN end of last season. Objective? Not even close. Non-story, its BAU for the radio industry.

3.       But I do love the comments you see to these sorts of biased pieces. I’m no SEN apologist and if I ever really want a footy fix on radio, I’ll chuck on the M’s on a Saturday afternoon, but all those saying they’ve switched off SEN and are listening to Macquarie Sports Radio – the latest survey for MSR was around 0.4. In plain English that’s La Trobe Uni student radio ratings. Hutchy and SEN are fine, without or without KB.

4.       And don’t start me on Andrew Bolt suggesting a Nobel Peace Prize for Trump. Sure, the North Korea stuff is definitely positive, but one good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness, as they say. Move alone Andy, get serious.

5.       Is there any footy? Yes. Collingwood. Shall we? So firstly: whats happening? Good footy teams are so finely tuned yet strung, look at Melbourne this year, you tell me those two finals wins last year were a fluke? Beat Geelong first week, remember. But with the Pies, that team they got together middle of last year clicked, and clicked hard, and then stayed fit. The subsequent momentum got them within a Dom Sheed out-of-his-arse set shot from a flag. This year, couple key pieces out has exposed them, and they haven’t been good enough or up to the challenge. Mind you, to be described as such a mess at 10-5, and in third, is pretty solid. But the next three weeks could undo a lot of that so it’s all much of a muchness. Not down and out, but such is footy, it can spit you out in a moment. Ask Hawks’ fans about 2009.

6.       The biggest loss for mine is Taylor Adams. Only one player, but he is as important to the Pies as Luke Shuey or Trent Cotchin. The Eagles don’t have Shuey, they don’t win – it’s that simple. Whilst different players, he is as important as Yeo or Hurn, and we all saw what happened against Sydney when those two missed. As for Cotchin, look at the Tigers when he has been out, the all-conquering Richmond of the last 18 months looked super vulnerable most weeks. The Pies since Adams has been out have been iffy, but when he was in they were premiership favourites. And let’s not forget, Shuey won last year’s Norm Smith, but based on votes had the Pies had won the judges were clearly going to award that to Adams.

7.       Last one on the Woods – it’s a bit of structure too. The good footy of earlier in the year, especially the Richmond game, was safe, short, switching play in defence, then flick a switch and go. There’s not enough dare to replicate that at the moment, sure, for the first five minutes it happened against Hawthorn, but Clarko was good enough to thwart it, as the Hawks have done against the Pies for a decade. The Eagles in Perth will be tough, but with Adams and Howe back for the Giants in Sydney the week after that’s the season-defining opportunity to right the ship.

8.       Gold Coast. Have won three games all year, last win was mid-April, and all three wins were five points or less. Could conceivably be winless, and Stuey Dew is seen as doing as good job as he can. So they’ll ask for a priority pick? Give them the first five picks, won’t do shit, we’ve seen that before. I don’t think this is irreversible, I think the right plan and player development can see something blossom ala Brisbane the last 18 months. But gee, the damage is nearing on irreparable in the most suspect of footy markets too. Carlton’s won no games in forever and got a great crowd last Sunday. The Suns could be undefeated and its only Bernie Tomic and a couple strippers at Metricon. So what then? Total rebrand, semi-reset. It’s like putting your laptop on sleep. Turn them into the Southport Sharks, change almost everything they are, and recommence with multiple, strong draft concessions. It’ll be like last time, but with a head start, an existing list that has at least ‘something’. Give them then five years with certain parameters. If it fails then, fine, it’ll never work, Hobart here is your team.

9.       Something that might help already – Adelaide has Carlton’s first pick this year. Jack Lukosius, last year’s pick 2, he wants to come home to South Australia already. Maybe not a direct swap, some sweetners can be thrown in, but that’s pick 1 and 2 already with this year’s draft top end better than the last couple for jet midfielders. So there’s some hope if nothing else is to change I guess..

10.   Superstar ruckmen. Brodie Grundy specifically but too, Max Gawn. Here’s the misconception – a dominant ruckman makes a difference – not really. Statistically speaking, way more scores come from turnovers than from stoppages. What that means is you’re far more likely to lose a clearance, find a way to force an error, get the ball and then score than if your ruckman hits the ball down the throat of your midfield and it leads to a scoring chain. The amount of teams who win despite losing the hitout count is uncanny. Arguably the worst team in the comp for ruckmen? Geelong.

11.   How’s North going? Pretty swimmingly ey? Rhyce Shaw hasn’t dropped one player since taking over, the only players to miss have been through injury. Says something for continuity, similar to what I touched on earlier with the Pies’ success last year.

12.   So does he keep the job next year? Dunno yet but it’s going to be hard to find someone categorically better if there’s a real something about what he is doing that’s too hard to ignore. He has gone 4-1, 2-1 against top 8 sides. He has West Coast in Perth in couple weeks and Geelong down the highway two weeks later. If those are the only games he drops between now and the end of the season, you have to give it to him, surely?

13.   This column has long said Nat Fyfe’s the best player in the league. Patrick Cripps a very close silver. Now I say neither. Marcus Bontempelli is better. He does what both do, ie, big body inside clearance freaks, but unlike Fyfe and Cripps he moves around like an old school wingman meets rover, at what 6”3ish? Plus is one of the best kicks in the comp, long weighted perfection or low spearing darts. And handballs like Greg Williams. The Bont, this column anoints you.

14.   Brisbane wins a final, thought it for a while, pretty much committed to it last week but now it’s a thing. At least one final, don’t rule out two. Again, it’s the clicking thing. A lesser team clicking always beats a better team that isn’t (see Collingwood’s last two weeks).

15.   So Freo was the best team in the West a couple weeks ago hey? Not anymore. Mind you, it’s worth reiterating, the Eagles are as highly strung as anyone. Don’t want to call last year lucky, that’s unfair, but in games where one of Hurn, Shuey or Yeo don’t play, its borderline deplorable depending on how far you go back, or whether you remove games against lower teams. All three play and they win Grand Finals. Shuey especially, he is the most valuable player in the league, if we focus on the true definition of ‘value’. They can win a flag without Naitanui, but couldn’t win Ammo’s D2 without Shuey.

16.   ‘Oh, the Giants can’t win it’, they said it after the Hawthorn loss and we all forgot about that pretty quickly. Then after losing to an admirable Brisbane the same thing. This is a team who is top-four lock, playing better than Collingwood and possibly Geelong, and has beaten the Cats at GMHBA this season. Move along, they are as massive a threat as any.

17.   Reckon Lance Franklin’s seemingly easy cruise to 1000 goals is under threat. So he is still a couple weeks away from a return and is stuck on 940 goals. Let’s say he gets himself to 950, 955 by the end of the year, he would need a 50-goal season to do it next year. But going by his recent fitness, that’s a tall order as playing 22 games or close to it seems a task too great for someone turning 33 next summer. Even averaging 3 goals a game when he is fit and playing, he’d need to find 20 more games, and that’s moving into 2021, which, by then, who knows how his body holds up. I hate to say it, but this has retiring only 20-30 or so short written all over it.

18.   So the Dees won last weekend, and how noble they did so with only 19 fit players. Well the Blues were down to 21 themselves so it was hardly a massive advantage, and further, especially if you saw the football played in the second half, if you could coach either team next year, respectful of the 2018 season as well, who would you rather? Carlton? Correct.

19.   Way too low but bloody hell Cameron Smith plays his 400th game this weekend, phenomenal. What makes it even better is this is a guy not limping to the milestone, he was the Dally M winner only two years ago and is three votes off the pace in this year’s campaign. Further, he has played 42 games for Queensland, 56 games for Australia as well, so in essence he is approaching 500 games in a few weeks’ time. Man is a freak, and will definitely play into next year. All the while looking like an accountant who has a gym membership but never uses it. Onya Smithy!

20.   And lastly Cricket, more so the Ashes, well, Jimmy Pattinson looks terrific. Bowled well in the County season to this point but first go with a red nut for Australia A got 4/60 and 3/12. Don’t rule out Paine at 6, Cummins at 7, and playing four quicks looking for three, four day results over huge scores and five day tests.