#and of course i used elias he is my pride and joy

[alanshee-keeper-of-realms]

This might be a personal opinion but I feel like people associate Walt with Mickey a bit more than they probably were in real life. Mickey was created in group effort, by Ub, by Lillian, by numerous animators and writers, and he wasn't the only thing Walt did. Far from it. Why aren't the early Disney feature films talked about more? Or true life adventures? The stuff that Walt made when he was travelling?

This guy literally sold his name to the company, for the money to make Disneyland. So to deflect blame from the current CEOs or whoever, they of course use his name everywhere. He's as much of a mascot for his company as Mickey is, so it's not too hard to draw the parallels between them and believe they're a lot closer than they actually are.

idk, I just feel like you're mischaracterising him a bit in your metafiction project. He was many things, but I don't feel like he was an over-projecting parent. He didn't stick with Mickey his whole life. He probably put more effort into Snow White, the numerous feature films that followed it, Disneyland and EPCOT than he did with Mickey.

Lillian Disney herself used to say after her husband's passing that she couldn't discern between Mickey and her husband and that she about cried every single time she saw Mickey because she saw Walt

Lillian was even quoted as saying

"There was no way of discerning Mickey from my husband Mickey is Walt, just in another form"

Roy Disney during the opening of Disney World paused just before he made his speech looking out amongst the crowds everybody was confused for who he was looking for until he whispered to a cast member go find the Mickey character actor

Roy would explain later on saying simply

" I needed my brother there,"

And at the actual speech he said

"As you all know Walt is not here and Mickey is the closest we'll get."

And I could carry on with the amount of people that called Mickey Walts persona, he would take a risks with so many, but with Mickey he never really risked him, it's like during World War II when the propaganda films were starting to be made Walt legitimately kept Mickey out of those shorts because he didn't want him associated with war,

And then you add on top the factor for good 30 years in actual reality that Walts falsetto voice was the voice of Mickey,

This mouse was everything to him Mickey was his pride and joy everyone at the company knew that and I can tell you as a creator myself of over a decade how many of my own original characters I've latched onto and actually love like my own children,

Also you are highly demeaning all the work that Walt Roy end Ub did, you do realize they started out in a shed of all places, in the backyard of Walt and Roy's aunt and uncles house he did not sell his name to the company because the company didn't even exist until he along with Roy founded it and it even was known then as the Disney Brothers Studios originally,

Ub Iwerks even stepped out in 1930 due to conflict so until 1940 after the important founding years would he return,

Roy never liked entertaining like his brother Roy preferred business matters he let Walt do the entertaining, which is why he became the face of the company,

And the reason Disney World is known as Walt Disney World is because that was Walt's last dream the night before Walt Disney died Roy recalled sitting with his brother who used the ceiling tiles like a map to point to the different places and talk about the plans for Disney World,

Even up until his death Walter Elias Disney was working for the company working on yet another dream that he would never see come to fruition

The tumor was accidentally discovered they were x-raying for an old sports injury when they came across the tumor everybody thought Walt Disney was going to make it his own family thought he would be okay after it was removed,

That day December 15th it wasn't just a shock for the world it was a shock for his own family who thought Walt was on the up and up

The man that now lay dead in the hospital bed had died with so many dreams unseen because he loved the company that much he loved creating at his heart he was a Mississippi Boy who remembered laying under the Dreaming Tree as a child and drawing the animals on the farm to learn and practice

Roy gripped onto his baby brother's foot according to Sharon Disney Walt's daughter and said "I guess that's all huh kid?"

So don't ever say that he sold his name to the company because he gave his very soul to it his entire life to bring us the entertainment that Disney became world-renowned for,

What other Owner would mortgage their own house because it's the last thing he has to pull money out of to bring the world theme parks Disneyland in today's money to build would be well over 200 million back in the day it was 17 million which is still a lot

Snow White was known as Disney's folly initially everybody thought he was crazy he literally took the unfinished film to the banks to secure loans for it

He created the prototype for surround sound, which wouldn't become a common thing until the 70s and '80s, it was called Fantasound named after Fantasia all movies preceding Fantasia and even after we're mono sound meaning on one side Walt was crazy enough to hook up extra speakers so it was surrounding you, like we have in the modern day.

Even down to animating humans he brought in the legendary creator of Betty Boop because he was the only one in Hollywood that knew and had been classically trained in drawing female characters he would even found CAL arts because he was in need of so many animators,

Again I could carry on all day so don't understand him as just somebody who sold his name to the company again he gave his whole entire life to it and he didn't sit by expecting the money to roll in

Fun fact to this day you can still find footage Walter Elias Disney bicycling through Disneyland while it was being constructed and he would stay on property to make sure it was being properly done and no corners were being cut.

And a few days before Disneyland was to open him and Lillian would celebrate their 30th anniversary everybody called on him to make a speech so he got up on a chair to address the people

And he froze Sharon later would recall the tears glittering in her father's eyes as he looked out over the crowd of beaming faces full of people from different backgrounds the had all come together to celebrate, and in that moment they knew what he was seeing for the first time physically Walt Disney could see the Legacy he had created and would leave behind

[alkosims]

Firstly, thank you for showing interest in my challenge :D Your number is 7

Thank you for sharing! The song I shuffled was god save me, but don't drown me out. Feel free to send me another number y'all this was fun 🥰

[lostbbygorl]

HAPPILY EVER AFTER (LEVI X F!READER):

AU: PRIDE AND PREJUDICE BY JANE AUSTEN

(THIS IS THE FINALE OF THE PXP AU SERIES. THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE YOU GAVE IT. MORE CONTENT IS IN THE PROGRESS)

~~~~~~

Y/N stood in the middle of the garden, absolutely still, as if she were a statue. Unblinking, she stared at the sky. It was nearly morning, and the sun was showing glimpses of itself. Morning fog was thick on that day, and it surrounded Y/N like a persistent crowd. She couldn’t cry anymore. Her head was empty, completely devoid of any thought.

All Y/N could do was relive her argument with Lady Katrina over and over again. The part that broke her the most was when she gave up on fighting the facts anymore, and admitted to Lady Katrina that she wasn’t engaged to Levi Ackerman. She wasn’t engaged to Levi Ackerman, and it had hit her like a truck right in that moment. Would she ever be engaged to him? Forget an engagement, would she ever marry him? Lady Katrina had definitely told him about their dispute from earlier on. There was no way Levi, an evident family man, would pick Y/N over his senior auntie!

Levi collapsed on the grass, sweat drying on his forehead as he panted for air. His onyx head rested against one of his horse’s legs for support. When he finally stood up, his eyes shone with fire and pure determination! He eyed the door of Y/N’s house with hope. He was sure that the family hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep last night after her aunt’s rude arrival. He sharply rapped on the door three times, before Christa opened it, looking him up and down in surprise.

“ Mr. Ackerman?”, she said in a tone which suggested she was convincing herself of his presence at her house, early in the morning, in his nightwear with 2 of his shirt buttons unbuttoned.

“ Hello, Ms. Christa. I apologize sincerely to you and your family for intruding so early in the morning, as well as for my aunt Katrina’s ill manners and treatment of you fine people”, Levi began softly.

“ And to you, Ms. Christa, I apologize for meddling with your relationship with my best friend. I could’ve ruined your happiness forever. But it was I who insisted Erwin reach out to you once again, and I hope you’ll accept my attempt of fixing my mistake”, he finished.

“ Oh, sir, of course I forgive you! Your intentions were understandable and you’ve made amends. But I have a feeling it isn’t me you’ve rushed over to the countryside to see. Is the true motivation behind your being here my sister, Y/N?”, Christa asked, to which Levi nodded.

“ Y/N is in the garden, sir. We tried to move her from her position there, but she wouldn’t budge”, Christa informed.

Levi ran faster than he ever had in his life! The fog was just clearing when he reached, and in the blur, he could make out the figure of a woman standing. Levi’s heart did cartwheels as soon as he saw Y/N standing there, a maroon shawl wrapped around her. For the first time in several hours, Y/N moved. Y/N moved her head to the direction of Levi’s familiar footsteps as soon as she heard him arriving. She gasped when she saw him walking towards her, his night robe flaying in the morning breeze as he walked.

“ Mr. Levi”, she whispered.

“ Ms. Y/N”, he breathed.

“ Mr. Ackerman, as wonderful as it is to see you, I’m afraid this occasion on which we meet isn’t a happy one. I’m sure your aunt has reported to you of our argument, and that you’re here to avenge her honor which I offended. I’m incredibly sorry for my behaviour towards her ladyship, good sir. Please forgive me”, Y/N said bitterly. Levi blanked a few times in confusion, registering her words.

“ What? Oh no, ma’am, I’m not here to demand an apology at all. I’m not here regarding Lady Katrina, I have a more pressing matter to discuss”, Levi corrected.

“ Oh”, Y/N mumbled, not sure what to say. She walked towards him, and cautiously, the man took her hands in his. To his joy, she didn’t shake him off.

“ Mr. Ackerman, your hands are ice”, she remarked.

“ I rode all the way from Shiganshina last night after my auntie returned and complained about her time here. To be honest, I was impressed, just as I was when you first met her and put her in her place”, Levi admitted. Y/N managed a smile.

“ I see. So then what are you here for, Mr. Levi?”Y/N asked.

“ To ask you for a second chance”, he said.

“ If your feelings for me are still what they were last April at Shiganshina, tell me so at once. My feelings towards you won’t change, but if you give me the word, I’ll be on my way back to Utgard, and I shan’t ever bother you again”, Levi promised. Y/N was screaming inside, but not out of anger or sadness this time, it was out of happiness! The moment she had daydreamed about all this time might finally play out in real life!

“ If your feelings have changed, however, I would have to tell you this: I have never met another woman like you, and you have bewitched me completely. I love you”, Levi confessed.

“ I never wish to be parted from you from this day forth”.

“ Well then, why don’t you pop the big question to make things official?”, Y/N breathed.

“ Ms. Y/N L/N, will you do me the honor of giving me your hand?”, Mr. Ackerman proposed a second time.

“ Of course I will! Yes, yes,yes! A thousand times I will say yes!”, she affirmed. Y/N and Levi locked lips just as the sun finally rose to the sky, and the sun’s warmth and light reached them. Both of them had wanted this for as long as they could remember falling for each other, and this blissful, euphoric moment was far better than what they had dreamed.

Y/N laughed as she ran back to the house, hand in hand with Levi, who was unsmiling, but this time with a softer expression. What you couldn’t decipher about Levi’s emotions from his facial expressions you could make out from his eyes. His gaze was soft and his eyes were shining. His heart was thudding and the butterflies that exploded in his stomach and heart every time he was in contact with Y/N came back.

“ Everybody, me and Mr. Ackerman are engaged!”, Y/N announced. Everybody cheered, and Christa embraced Y/N so tightly, she felt as if her bones would snap!

Christa and Y/N had a double wedding. The ceremony took place at Utgard castle, and the decorations made the already stunning castle look even more beautiful! All of Mr. Ackerman’s relatives and friends attended, and so did Y/N’s. Sasha rode from Liberio to Utgard with Mr. Yeager, and Nifa and cousin Elias came from Shiganshina. Everybody was there, even Lady Katrina!

Sasha, Ella, Nifa, Marceline and Vanya served as the bridesmaids. Y/N and Christa donned off white, puffy white wedding dresses with numerous ruffles and floral accents for the wedding. They curled their hair and accessorized with pearls. As typical brides, they got emotional over anything, and cried happy tears upon seeing the other in their wedding dress. Erwin Smith shed a few tears when he saw Christa walk out, but Levi remained poker faced as always. Though he didn’t show it, he was an emotional wreck inside! The sisters looked like fairies in their dresses!

The rest of the ceremony went great. Lady Katrina was a polite guest, and though it was obvious she still showed contempt towards Y/N and Christa’s family, she didn’t cause a scene unnecessarily, and even begrudgingly complimented Y/N’s dress (before muttering a comment on how Amanda would look better in it under her breath).

Erwin and Levi stared lovingly at their brides the entire time.

Finally it was time for them to ride off to their new homes. This was Levi and Y/N’s first time sitting together in a carriage, and Y/N admired the view from outside the carriage with a smile playing on her lips. The sun was just setting, and all the hills and bushes were as green as they could be. The sky was a blend of tangerine orange and melon pink, and crows flew from east to west. Y/N was still in a daze after the wedding. She couldn’t believe it had happened!

“ What are you thinking about?”, Levi asked, bringing her back from her daze.

“ Oh, nothing, I was just looking at the view outside”

“ Yes, it’s quite pretty isn’t it?”

“ It is, yes. But now that you asked me, I actually am thinking of something quite interesting indeed”, Y/N told him.

“ And what might that be?”, Levi asked curiously.

“ It’s just that last April we were in the rain having a verbal battle, and I told you that I’d never be persuaded to marry you. And now here we are, tied together with rings, sitting next to each other in a decorated carriage”, she laughed. Levi smiled, a sight she was still getting used to. Maybe he’d smile more after being married to her for quite some time.

“ It’s most ironic. But I am glad I got a second chance with you, Mrs. Ackerman”, he said.

“ And I’m glad I was open minded enough to give you a second chance. But, Levi, I have a question for you”

“ What might that be?”

“ When did you first realize that you love me?”

“ Well”, he trailed off, trying to find an answer for her.

“ That question doesn’t have a definitive answer. I just knew that you were the most interesting woman at any ball or setting where we ran into each other, and I was always amused by your honesty and the way you teased me. One day, I just woke up and realized I love you, I guess”, Levi shrugged as she replied honestly. Y/N was satisfied.

“ That makes sense, I guess. I personally came to terms with my sentiments after I discovered you were making amends, and after I saw the very positive changes in you when we met again after the dispute in the rain”, Y/N informed him.

Y/N laid her head on his shoulder, and closed her eyes, taking in his minty scent and his warmth. Levi intertwined his hands with hers, and the two rode off to their new lives, hearts beating with anticipation, this time in perfect harmony…

THE END

[cristinablackthornkingson]

This Poor Unruly Heart.  A Thomastair fic.

Cross-posted to my AO3. 

***TW/CW**** Alcoholism. Homophobia. Homophobic slurs. (Shortened version of the F slur is used) Emotional abuse. Abusive parent. Abusive relationships. Mention of child loss.

It is a cold Winter’s day in late 1903, when both Alastair Carstairs and Thomas Lightwood, make the most terrifying and nerve wracking decision of their lives. After 3 months of being with each other they have decided to hide no longer, and come out to their parents.

Out of the two of them, Alastair is certainly most terrified, for so long Charles made him believe that he would always have to live in secret, he manipulated and twisted him into believing that everyone would be disgusted and hate him. Alastair knows his mother is a very traditional woman, and throughout his childhood he has heard his father throw around slurs and nasty words about people like Alastair.

However Alastair does not want to hide anymore, like he had to with Charles, he loves Thomas and wants everyone to know that, no matter what. With Elias still being in Idris for another day or so, Alastair will have a chance to speak with him privately, if all goes well with telling his mother.

Cordelia has known that Alastair is gay for a while now, she was the first person he came out to, and has been nothing but loving and supportive toward him, when he told her his plans to come out to their parents, she offered to be there for moral support. Alastair happily agreed, glad to have her to lean on.

So now he has found himself in the drawing room of Cirenworth, sitting on the couch next to Cordelia, across from their mother, who at 7 months pregnant looks more stressed, tired and ill than Alastair has ever seen her. He’s terrified of stressing her out and worrying her further, afraid of hurting her or the baby, but he refuses to have his baby brother or sister born into a world where their big brother is hiding a big part of who he is. If the baby is like Alastair, he wants them to have a good influence, someone to look up to and admire, like he has always secretly admired Anna.

“What trouble have you two gotten into now?” Sona’s tired but amused voice pulls Alastair from his thoughts. He smiles and lets out a breathy laugh, his poor mother having to deal with everything he and Cordelia and their friends got up to recently, hopefully the baby won’t be such a handful when they grow up.

“No mamán, we haven’t done anything, I... I need to speak with you about something, something I... discovered about myself.” Aalstair chooses his words carefully, trying not to fidget or let his nerves overtake him.

“Alright, what is it?” Sona asks, leaning back in her chair and folding her hands over her bump. Alastair gives Cordelia a brief glance and she smiles and slips her hand into his and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

Alastair holds tightly to Cordelia and takes a deep breath. He then looks straight at his mother, and calmly says

“I’m gay, I’m attracted to men, and I’ve been seeing someone, a man. Thomas Lightwood to be exact. We’ve been seeing eachother for a few months now and I wanted to finally tell you mamán, because it is a big part of me and my life.”

Sona leans forward in her chair and takes Alastair’s free hand in hers.

“Are you happy?” She calmly asks. Alastair wordlessly nods, not daring to get his hopes up. “And this Lightwood boy, does he make you happy, does he treat you well?”

“Yes.” Alastair says in a breathy tone. “I... I love him, mamán, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I have never been happier than I have been since I began seeing Thomas. He... he makes me feel so loved and important.”

Sona smiles warmly and brushes her son’s dark hair back from his face.

“Then if you are happy, I’m happy.” Alastair feels the tears of relief and joy well up in his eyes as his breath catches in his throat.

“R-really?” He stammers. Sona nods and brushes his tears away.

“Yes Eshgham, all I want for you, Cordelia and this baby, is for you to be happy and healthy. Nothing and no one matters more to me than you 3, and a little thing like the sex of the person you love, is not going to make a difference to how much I love you, Alastair.” Sona’s voice is soft and low, full of love but also firm, so Alastair knows how serious she is.

Alastair lets out a sob of relief and lets his head fall onto his mother’s shoulder, as her arms go around him, her hand running through his hair, while Cordelia rubs his back.

“I love you mamán.” Alastair sniffs. Sona presses a kiss to his forehead.

“I love you too Alastair joon, very much. I do want to meet this Thomas boy of course, to make sure he’s deserving of you, not just anyone is worthy of being loved by my son, you know.” Sona lightly says, as Alastair lifts his head and wipes at his tears. He laughs at the thought of tall, muscular Thomas being lectured by his small, heavily pregnant mother.

“He is James’ cousin, so I think you will like him very much.” Alastair laughs, knowing how much his mother adores James.

“Like who very much?” The sweet and happy moment is suddenly interrupted by a gruff voice from the doorway that makes the blood in Alastair’s veins run cold. He turns his head to see his father standing in the doorway, dressed smartly but with his hair greasy and ratty, months worth of stubble on his jaw, his eyes bloodshot with dark circles underneath them, and a poorly hidden bottle of whisky poking out of his coat pocket.

“Oh Elias, we weren’t expecting you back for another day or so.” Sona says in a somewhat surprised tone, pushing herself to her feet to greet her husband, going in for a kiss to the cheek but recoiling when she smells the alcohol on him.

Elias completely ignores his wife, focusing all of his attention on Alastair.

“Who and what were you talking about? It seems like you were in the middle of a rather serious moment.” He asks in a deadly calm voice.

“Papa not now, Alastair is tired.” Cordelia protests, wanting to do whatever she can to save her brother having to face their father unplanned like this.

“I was not speaking to you Cordelia, I was speaking to your brother. I will ask again, who and what were you talking about? If you told your mother, you need to tell me.” there is now anger and irritation seeping into Elias’ tone.

“I...” Alastair begins, not quiet sure where to go with this. “Um, well I...”

“Have you hit your head or are you honestly as dense as I always knew?” Elias spits out in acidic tone, horrifying everyone in the room. It’s not the first time he’s spoken so cruelly to Alastair, though he’s never done so in front of anyone else before.

“Papa!” Cordelia protests.

“Be quiet Cordelia. You, get on with it.” He growls, glaring at Alastair.

“I’m gay!” Alastair blurts, cringing at how abrupt and sudden it was.

Elias scoffs and rolls his eyes.

“Don’t be ridiculous Alastair, you are far too young to know who you do and do not love, not that it is love, homosexuality is a disease, an illness of the mind.” He tells him in a dismissive tone. Alastair feels as though his heart may break in half. Nobody has ever said something so cruel to him before.

“No it is not, the love I feel for Thomas is just the same as any other type of love. He makes me happy and treats me well, I love him, it is one of the very few things in life I have ever been so certain of. I love him, father.” Alastair’s tone is tight as tears start to well up again, but there is also pride in his tone, and love at the thought of Thomas.

Before Alastair can comprehend anything else, his father is right in front of him, face to face, so close Alastair can smell the stench of alcohol on his breath.

“Elias let him go!” Sona yells, tugging at her husband’s arm, only to have him shake her off.

“No mamán don’t, you may get hurt, you or the baby.” Alastair tells her, holding his chin high and refusing to show his father any fear.

“Now you listen here boy.” Elias hisses. “No son of mine is going to be some disgusting fag, I will not have you taint the good family name of Carstairs. You are not irreplaceable, that child your mother carries could well be a boy, I could very easily replace you with him. And if you wish to have a place under my roof, you will shut your disgusting little mouth and never speak of this filth again!”

“Papa! Don’t speak to him like that, leave him alone!” Cordelia yells, trying to pull her father away, only for him to push her back, almost knocking her over.

Alastair has never been a violent man, despite his nasty attitude when he was younger, he would actually never harm a fly. However this time, Elias his gone too far. Alastair firmly places his hands on his father’s chest and with force, shoves him away so he is not in his face.

Alastair is about to respond, to tell Elias he’s free to replace him with the new baby, but Sona speaks up first.

“That is enough!” Her strong and firm tone rings clear through the room, stopping everyone and everything in their tracks.

“Elias Carstairs if you so much as ever lay a hand on my son again, I swear to the angel you will be sorry. You need to get off of your pedestal, you are not some all high and mighty holier than though member of society, you are a nasty, abusive man who refuses to get help for an addiction that has ruined everything. You ruined Alastair’s childhood with your alcoholism, I am not about to let you ruin the rest of his life with your homophobia.

I have put up with your nasty and abusive ways for the last 18 years, I have dealt with you calling me fat, lazy, useless, ugly, and many, many other things. I am done with it, no more. I took your abuse with the hope you would leave Cordelia and Alastair alone, and they could have nice normal lives. That is not how it works though, I know better now. I deserve better, my children deserve better.

I want a divorce, Elias, and I will be making sure you have no custody or involvement of this baby, as far as I am concerned this child is mine and mine alone, they have no father.”

There is a shocked silence throughout the room, following Sona’s pronouncement. Alastair feels guilty for feeling happy that his mother is leaving his father, and hopeful that he can escape him. He’s not meant to want his parents to split up, being the child of a divorced couple is shameful according to society. But why? Why is it shameful for Sona to escape her abuser, to give her baby a better chance at life and to take Cordelia and Alastair away from a toxic and abusive person?

The first to speak is Elias. He scoffs and sneers at his wife.

“Oh please, you need me Sona, you have nowhere to go and nothing without me.”

“I will go to The Institute, The Herondales will welcome me. I have plenty, Elias, I have savings you know nothing of, I have valuables I can sell should I need to, I have clothes for the baby, nappies are not hard to come by, I have everything I need, I most certainly do not need you.” Sona’s tone is impassive as she steadily holds Elias’ gaze. She then turns to her children, her gaze softening slightly.

“Alastair, Cordelia, you are of course welcome to come with me, wherever I find a home you will have a home, but if you wish to stay with your father then I will not be hurt or upset, and you will still be able to see your little brother or sister when they are born. The choice is yours.” Of course Sona wants her children to come with her, but she knows forcing them to if they do not want to, will not make her any better than Elias.

“I want to go with you mamán.” Cordelia immediately says, the love and respect she has always held for her father now shattered into pieces, never to be repaired.

“Me too, and I can help you with money mamán, now that I am old enough to receive earnings from The Clave.” Alastair says, leaning into his mother, who smiles and cups his cheek.

“Thank you Azizam, but you most certainly do not have to.” She then links her arm through with his and puts the other around Cordelia’s shoulders. “Come along, we can come back for our things later. For now I would like to meet your Thomas, Alastair. I am sure he’s a good boy if he’s related to James, but I need to be sure, as I said, not just anyone is deserving of my son’s heart.”

Alastair smiles brightly, his heart lifting and his pain easing at the thought of introducing his mother to Thomas, and having a peaceful and calm life at The Institute, where he will be free to love Thomas and be himself.

Meanwhile, in the Lightwood London townhouse, Thomas is nervously sitting in front of his parents in the drawing room, preparing to come out to them. He is sure they’ll be loving and accepting, they love and accept Anna, but maybe it will be different with their own child, especially their only son. Perhaps his father expects him to carry on the Lightwood name, what with Christopher having no interest in romance or anything of the sort, and little Alex only being 3.

“What’s going on Tommy? What do you need to talk to us about?” Sophie’s concerned voice pulls Thomas from his thoughts, and he lifts his head to look at his parents, sitting side by side, their hands entwined, both of them looking concerned.

“Uhh...” Thomas begins in an unsure tone. “Well... I’m... I’m gay.” Thomas blurts out, wanting it over and done with, holding his breath as he waits for his parents to react.

Immediately they both visibly relax, Gideon’s shoulders slumping in relief and Sophie placing a hand on her chest and letting out a sigh of relief.

“Oh love is that all?” Sophie asks with a hint of amusement in her tone. Baffled, Thomas nods.

“You gave us a fright Tom, we thought something was dreadfully wrong.” Gideon laughs, relieved beyond words that all is well with Thomas. He could not lose another child, Barbara’s death almost killed him, loosing Thomas or Eugenia would certainly be the end of him.

“We’ve always known that about you my darling, do you think we haven’t noticed you gawping at all the handsome men we pass on the street, or how you just loved hearing about your sisters' courting conquests and always asked for details on the men?” Sophie laughs, remembering 11 year old Thomas sitting with his sisters and listening intently as Barbara recounted her first outing with her first boyfriend.

“It... it doesn’t bother you?” Thomas asks in a hopeful tone. Could it really be this simple and easy? Could he be so lucky?

“Not one bit.” Sophie assures him.

“Just don’t steal Eugenia’s dresses if you want to wear women’s clothes, she loves you but she will not be pleased if you steal her dresses.” Gideon says in a light tone, earning a laugh from Thomas.

“I would not dare get between Genie and her dresses, though I have no desire to wear one myself, they seem rather uncomfortable.” He says.

“You do not know the half of it my love.” Sophie laughs, squeezing Thomas’ hand. “Is there anything else you wish to tell us? Remember, we’ll always love you and support you.”

Thomas bites his lip and takes a few seconds to think, before looking at his parents again.

“Well... actually, I am seeing someone. Alastair Carstairs to be exact.” Thomas nervously admits.

“Oh he is a lovely boy! Good to know your good sense continues through to the romantic aspect of your life.” Sophie grins, shocking Thomas.

“You like him? But mama he was the one who spread those nasty rumors about you a few years ago.” Thomas quietly says. He knows Alastair has changed and grown since then, but does his mother?

“He was a child, a scared child who was going through a lot of trauma, he made a mistake for which he is clearly very sorry. And besides I think it is quiet obvious that he at 16 did not just suddenly decide to spread rumors about strange adults who had nothing to do with him. I would not be surprised in the least if he was repeating what he heard from his father.” Sophie quietly says, trying not to let her anger escape. She is not angry with Alastair, but she is angry with Elias, who has said very unkind things about her before, some to her face and some behind her back.

Before Thomas can reply, there is a rap on the dinning room door and Scarlet- the Lightwood’s maid- steps in.

“Sorry to interrupt M’am, Sirs, there are guests here to see you, Mrs. Carstairs and her two children.” Scarlet quietly says. Thomas’ heart begins to race. Why is Alastair here? Is he alright?

“Oh, please do send them through Scarlet, thank you.” Sophie says, wondering why the Carstairs’ have turned up here. It’s not as if they are very close friends or anything of the sort.

A few seconds later Sona Carstairs steps into the drawing room, followed closely by Cordelia and Alastair.

“I am very sorry to intrude and interrupt, we can leave if we are inconveniencing you.” Sona says in an apologetic tone.

“No no nonsense, you are very welcome. Please, sit. Would you like something to drink or eat? Would you like to put your feet up, Sona?” Sophie kindly asks, remembering how easily her feet swelled up when she was pregnant all 3 times, by the time she was 7 months pregnant with Barbara she couldn’t fit into her shoes anymore and had to buy new ones specifically for pregnancy.

“Thank you, you are very kind but a simple seat will do, I get so tired so easily these days.” Sona says in a breathy tone, as Cordelia helps her sit in a nearby armchair.

Thomas and Alastair, meanwhile, share a delighted look at seeing one another. Thomas grins and quickly strides across the room and slips his hand into Alastair's.

“Mama, papa, this is Alastair, my boyfriend.” He proudly says, grinning at his parents.

Sophie immediately joins them and pulls Alastair into a hug, taking him by complete surprise.

“Don’t break his heart, alright?” Sophie softly says when she pulls back, placing a hand on Alastair’s cheek. Alastair smiles and nods.

“I promise, Mrs. Lightwood.”

Sophie smiles and squeezes his hand before stepping back to let Gideon talk to Alastair.

“Our Thomas is a sweet boy, with so much capacity to love. I’m sure you already know this but it is an honor to be loved by him in anyway. Never forget that, alright?” Alastair nods.

“Of course not Mr. Lightwood.” He assures him. Gideon smiles and holds his hand out for Alastair to shake.

“Good, and if you ever need some fatherly advice or a man to man talk, I am always here.” The offer almost makes Alastair tear up again.

“Thank you Mr. Lightwood, I very much appreciate that.”

“Now you just have to meet Genie, I think she will like you too.” Thomas lightly says, laying his head on Alastair’s shoulder. Alastair chuckles and puts an arm around his boyfriend.

“Well now it is my turn to introduce you to my family. You already know Layla, but you haven’t met my wonderful mother yet. Mamán this is Thomas, my boyfriend.”

With help from Cordelia Sona stands up from her chair and beams brightly at Thomas. She pulls him down for a hug and squeezes tightly.

“It is so lovely to meet the boy who has made my Alastair happy again. Treat him well.”

Over the next few months the Lightwoods and Carstairs grow very close. Gideon helps Sona begin proceedings for her divorce and also helps her make a case against Elias having any custody of the baby. They have plenty of evidence of him being an unfit parent and a danger to the baby, so it only takes a matter of weeks for it be agreed upon by The Silent Brothers and The Clave that Elias has no legal rights to the baby and will not be allowed around them at all.

Sophie helps Sona through the rest of her difficult pregnancy, having had a hard pregnancy herself, with Thomas.

Thomas and Alastair grow closer and fall even more in love, and Cordelia finds a new friend in Eugenia.

2 months later on a rainy February day, Cordelia, Alastair, Thomas and Eugenia are all nervously waiting outside the Institute infirmary, waiting for word on Sona who went into labor in the early hours of the morning. Brother Zachariah came right away, and has been doing a wonderful job of helping Sona through her labor while also keeping everyone else updated.

8 hours after Sona went into labor, the silence of the infirmary waiting room is interrupted by the squeaking of the infirmary door opening.

The 4 teenagers turn to look at the doorway, where Brother Zachariah now stands, his hood drawn back and his hands folded neatly in front of him.

“Uncle Jem.” Cordelia leans forward, eager to hear what he has to say. “Is mama alright, and the baby?”

Yes everything is absolutely fine Cordelia. In fact, you have a healthy baby brother, congratulations.

Cordelia gasps and shrieks in delight, turning to hug Alastair tightly.

“A boy! It’s a boy Al, we have a baby brother!” She gleefully exclaims. Alastair laughs in delight and holds his sister tight, picking her up and spinning her around twice, unable to contain his utter glee and delight. His mother is alright, his baby brother is alright, everything is alright.

“Two against one! You are done for, Layla!” Alastair teases, setting his sister down and affectionately tugging at a lock of her hair. Cordelia laughs and playfully swats him on the arm.

“Not a chance! I’m going to go hold him first!” she quickly turns on her heel and hurries into the infirmary after Jem.

“I always wanted a little brother, I’m quiet envious!” Thomas lightly says, slipping an arm around Alastair’s waist. “I am very happy for you.” Alastair beams at his boyfriend and kisses him.

“I love you.”

"I love you too."

[cuttoothed]

What’s going to happen in the Lonely? No idea. But I know there’d better be a heck of a lot of softness afterwards. 

(AKA I write hand holding and snuggling for 1500 words; Jon, Martin, and JonMartin, featuring Elias “Smug Bastard” Bouchard.)

*

When there is nothing for so long, everything is overwhelming. Martin feels the whoosh of his breath in his lungs, the rough stone of the old prison gritting under his hands. It feels real, in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel again. 

Jon, he thinks. 

Jon was with him, at the end. They had stood together, and Jon’s hand had curled shyly around his. It helps, if we’re touching, he explained, and Martin’s face heats with the remembered warmth of his voice.

I love you, Jon had told him, his words trembling but clear, That’s why this works. I can pull myself out, and I think I can pull you out too.

I love you, Martin had blurted in reply, and Jon had looked so wonderfully startled that Martin wanted to kiss him. He hadn’t, of course, there was no time, there was never any time, but Jon’s hand had squeezed his tighter, and he smiled. 

Then we can pull each other out.

Martin shuts his eyes, a lump rising in his throat, staggered by the wave of emotion that sweeps over him. When there is nothing for so long, everything is overwhelming. He shakes himself out of it and looks anxiously around.

Jon is lying several yards away, a small, crumpled figure on the floor. Elias - Jonah Magnus, god, this just keeps getting weirder - is crouched beside him on one knee. Martin’s heart leaps in his chest and he scrambles over there, barely getting off his hands and knees before he’s down at Jon’s side again. 

“...was it like?” he hears Elias say, soft and intent, and Jon is blinking up at him, eyes unfocused, and his voice is scarcely more than a hoarse whisper when he says:

“It was...desolate, and magnificent.”

Jon’s eyes lock with Elias’ and for an instant, Martin feels like he’s interrupting something private, some transcendent connection he can’t even see. But then Jon’s eyes flicker across to his, and Jon gives a smile that’s only for him, Elias forgotten. 

“Martin…” he rasps, and Martin’s heart lurches again at the softness in his voice. 

“I’m here,” he says, “Jon, I’m here.”

He helps Jon to sit up, carefully, conscious of Jon’s thinness, the fragility of his body. Martin chews his lip with worry, and Jon smiles at him again, tired and worn. His hand reaches for Martin’s, just like it did in the Lonely, and Jon pulls his hand up to press a careful kiss to his knuckles. 

“I never doubted you for a second,” Jon tells him, and Martin feels a surge of warmth, love and pride and relief. They’re here, they’re both here, and it’s more than he could possibly have hoped. 

“This is all very sweet,” Elias drawls, and Martin jumps. He’d almost forgotten about the man “But perhaps we should leave here, hmm?”

“You want us to go with you?” Martin stares disbelievingly. “Why on earth would we do that? In fact, now that Peter’s gone, why shouldn’t I stab your body, Jonah? Put an end to all this?”

“Please, Martin,” he says with a wince, “Call me Elias. I’ve rather got used to the name. As to why you shouldn’t kill my...body, well, there’s still the fact that you don’t know what will happen to everyone at the Institute. And the fact that you  won’t be able to find your way back without me. Jon is in no condition for navigating the tunnels at present.”

Martin opens his mouth to argue, but Jon’s hand presses gently to his cheek. 

“He’s right, Martin,” he says wearily. “Let’s get back to the Archives first. Then we can worry about him.”

The journey back through the tunnels is slow and arduous. Martin doesn’t remember it taking so long on the way there, but he hadn’t been cold and drained from the Lonely then. And he’d spent most of the walk with his mind racing, flitting between fear and longing and frantic calculations of what Peter might be up to. All of it wrong, of course. But it had passed the time quickly. On the return, Martin is aware only of Jon’s slight weight pressed against his side, trembling. The memory of Jon’s voice that keeps replaying in his head, I love you, that’s why this works. I love you. I love you. Time drags by as he thinks about how desperately he wants the two of them to be somewhere alone, and safe, so they can talk. 

That isn’t possible with Jonah “Call-Me-Elias” Magnus strolling just ahead of them. He’s mercifully quiet for the most part, at least, though every so often he does point out some feature of architecture or geography that makes Martin want to strangle him. Jon must feel him tense, because at a few particularly irritating moments, he gently squeezes Martin’s arm with his fingers. 

“It’s all right,” he murmurs, and Martin feels himself relax minutely. At last the tunnels begin to look familiar, and then they are climbing through the trapdoor into the Archives, a scene of scattered papers and overturned furniture, blood spatters on the walls. 

“The...not Sasha…” Jon rasps, slumping into a chair, and Martin feels a stab of grief in his chest. He hates Peter for that, if nothing else. 

“And hunters as well, if I’m not mistaken,” Elias notes, glancing around. 

“Well there’s nobody here now,” says Martin. “And we’re out of the tunnels, so talk.”

Elias opens his mouth, and three uniformed police officers burst through the door.

As it turns out, the Institute has been fully evacuated and cordoned off. The police had become rather alarmed at the sound of footsteps in the Archives, not expecting anyone to be walking around down here. Elias explains glibly that they had hidden in the tunnels at the sounds of gunfire, and had become lost for a time. Martin spends the whole exchange wondering why they haven’t arrested the bastard yet, but they seem to pay him no mind whatsoever.

“You know he escaped from prison today, right?” he tells one of the officers. She frowns with concern and steps away to talk into her radio for a few moments, then shrugs.

“HQ says he was released. All charges dropped.” 

Martin gives up, and turns back to Jon, who’s waving off the medic trying to insert an IV into his arm. 

“I’m fine,” he grumbles, “No, these are old scars - Martin, tell him.”

“They are,” Martin confirms. “And he won’t go to the hospital, no point trying. I’ll take care of him.”

The medic gives up and leaves them alone, and Jon goes back to texting Basira. She’s okay, he tells Martin, relieved, but she’s gone to stay with her parents for a few days. There’s been no sign of Daisy since the attack, and Martin hears the worry in his voice as he says it. Martin doesn’t really know Daisy, has barely spoken to her since she came back from the Buried, but he already knows he’ll do anything he can to help someone that Jon cares for so much. 

After a little more prevarication from Elias, they’re given permission to leave. Jon seems a little less weak now, though Martin is glad to see him grab a stack of statement files off Basira’s desk as they pass. He could use them.

They pass the police cordon, and Elias turns to the two of them, hands tucked into the pockets of his expensive coat. 

“Well,” he says, “This has been an interesting day. Well done to you both.”

“That’s it?” Martin demands. “After all that, just...well done?”

“I don’t know that there’s much more to say at this juncture, Martin. I imagine it will be a week or two before the Institute is re-opened, so consider this a paid holiday.” 

“I won’t do it, you know,” Jon says, frowning. “I know you think you’re close, and I don’t know precisely what the Watcher’s Crown is, yet, but you can’t do it without me. And I won’t.”

“How unfortunate for me, then,” Elias says cheerfully. “I’ll expect to see you both back at work in a couple of weeks.”

He turns on his heel and is gone without another word. Martin lets out an explosive breath. 

“Bloody hell.” 

“Yes,” says Jon, “I think that about sums it up.” 

Martin sighs and scrubs his hands over his face. There’s so much they need to figure out, to plan and research and do and - 

He stops himself short. He’s standing on the street with Jon, after all this time apart, after Jon said that he loved him. Frankly, Jonah Magnus and the Watcher’s Crown and the rest of the world can go to hell for a little while.

“So, do you...want to get something to eat, or…”

Jon gives him a smile that’s painfully shy this time, and Martin’s heart beats hard in his chest. 

“That would be nice,” he says. “Could we get takeaway, though? I uh, I need to - ” He gestures with the stack of folders in his arms.

“Oh, right! Of course, absolutely. Do you...want to come to mine, then? There’s a great Thai place just down the street from me?”

“Yeah - that sounds great!” Jon’s face lights up, and Martin could cry at the simple joy of being here, now, with him. Daring, he slips an arm around Jon’s shoulders, half to support him, and half just to pull him close. Jon comes willingly, presses warm against him, his bundle of folders still clutched in his arms. 

Martin guides them down the street to the Tube station, and they wait on the platform with the earth thrumming under their shoes, evening commuters coming and going around them. It’s all very ordinary, and Martin thinks about how he must look to the people around them: a tall, unwieldy man with his tired looking boyfriend nestled against him, half dozing on his feet as they wait to go home. He likes that thought. 

“Jon,” he says after a few minutes.

“Hmm?”

“What you said earlier, that you never doubted me - did you mean that?”

Jon looks up at him, surprised. 

“Of course.”

“Why not?” Martin asks, and he doesn’t understand why the answer is so desperately important to him now, except that he’s not sure anyone’s ever trusted him so entirely in his life. And he’s not sure he deserves it. He was so close to being gone, at the end. 

Jon’s expression is solemn when he reaches his hand around the back of Martin’s neck and pulls him down. Their lips brush, very gently, and then Jon’s eyes are intent on his, his fingers still curled into the hair at the base of Martin’s skull. 

“Because you’re Martin Blackwood,” he says. “And I trust in that.”

[wings-of-a-storm]

LUCAS’ HELL NIGHT ANALYSIS: PART 2 OF 2

Well, with this piece, I have officially finished trying to give voice to all the  frenzied thoughts in my head after watching that terrible Friday night unfold for Lucas.

I think the hardest part was revisiting the anguish on Lucas’ face. That is going to haunt us all for a while, no doubt...

Alright so we are up to Lucas running for the exit of Chloe’s house after finding Eliott with Lucille and being publicly outed... That poor guy.

OPEN GANG WARFARE

I only realised upon watching this scene that you actually see the ripple of Lucas coming through the crowd before you actually physically ‘see’ him. Like people were actually flying across the screen because Lucas was shoving partygoers out of the way to get to the doorway. He was like a hurricane, leaving a trail of destruction before and after him. From our limited angle, there are at least two victims: Unknown Partygoer No.1, and the Bouncer.

A minute of silence please for the victims of Lucas’ savagery. Particularly for Unknown Partygoer No.1 who was actually shoved aside the first time Lucas entered the house as well. :’)

Obviously I laugh otherwise I cry. It was actually heartbreaking seeing the lengths Lucas needed to go to to get out of there before he lost it completely.

I actually felt bad for Basile in this scene -- he was being really sweet and trying to grab hold of Lucas to, I dunno, support him? Calm him? Reassure him? He wasn’t to realise that that was the worst thing he could have done because Lucas needed space and distance from the heartbreak he had left behind in the house.

Things might have been ‘okay’ if Arthur’s patience hadn’t snapped; if he hadn’t escalated things further with that passive aggressive jab that was rather below the belt regardless of Lucas’ lies. Things could have been worse though -- there could have been actual punches instead of all the shoving and pulling. And the only casualty was Arthur’s glasses (which the petty part of me kind of revels in?). But still, getting into any physical altercation with your friends is extreme and just goes to show the pressure cooker Lucas’ life had become.

It is a shame the Gang had to reach this point, but they’ve all been kind of assholes to each other at one time or another. I think perhaps only Yann has been a good friend to everyone. Arthur, Lucas and Basile have all been hurtful at some point…

I wonder where Lucas and Arthur will go from here though; how they will make up in the school break if they aren’t forced to see each other in class. (Assuming David sticks to reality in his skipping of the hiatus?) This type of anger between them seems much closer to Marti and Elia than the og -- and it took the special powers of the love wizard Giovanni GaraU to piece their friendship and pride back together. Does Yann have the same touch? Time will tell...

ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Lucas had already reached his breaking point when he engaged in a physical altercation with his friends. He had already lost control over his emotions and was incredibly vulnerable standing exposed in front of the yard. People were staring at him and Arthur was still screaming bloody murder from the doorway about wanting to slap the hell out of him. Of course it was at this moment when Lucas saw the man behind his heartache kissing the girl he said he had broken up with.

So much of Lucas seeing Eliott kissing Lucille was awful. Firstly, Eliott and Lucille could have just stayed inside the party, but them seeking out time alone outside is just so private and intimate.

Secondly, Eliott was the one initiating everything (something none of his counterparts did). He was the one cupping her face and smiling at her and going in for two kisses. Two!

And thirdly, yes, that smile of his as he was looking at her was meant to cut all of our hearts out. Eliott’s smile is like his strongest weapon even if he doesn’t realise it. He uses it as a shield and he uses it to express all the pure and lovely joy in his heart. When he walks into any room, that smile is the first thing you see. It’s nuclear -- even from far away, that smile absolutely knocks you out. And boy did it knock Lucas out.

I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say Eliott was giving Lucille the same smile Lucas gets. Eliott’s a very smiley person and even Lucas’ friends received that kind of smile when Eliott didn’t even known them. I feel like there is an extra level of giddiness to Eliott’s smile when he looks at Lucas. I wasn’t worried about him smiling at Lucille so much. Especially when I assume the context of it, which is...

Okay, so after Eliott was hurt by Lucas and feeling like he had to give him up so as not to be a burden to him, he would have been absolutely devastated. We saw his face in that corridor and that would have been him trying to hide most of it. I’m a little grateful we never saw the extent of Eliott’s private devastation...

But Eliott’s snap decision to cut Lucas out of his life, meant he was suddenly alone with this intense heartbreak, and probably feeling extra vulnerable because it related to that terrible force in his brain that he can’t control and that always messes his life up.

No matter how strained his and Lucille’s relationship had become in the end, she was still someone close to him who really knows who he is and has seen the worst of him. She is so safe. And since we have never seen Eliott with any friends at school, I imagine that Eliott is pretty isolated at the moment without her. It feels completely believable that he would seek Lucille out for that comfort and security. It would also make him feel better about his mental illness to know that there is someone in the world (excluding his parents who we have no information on aside from David’s headcanons), who sees that side of him and accepts it. He’s not alone with it.

Luckily for Eliott, Lucas made his comments about mental illness only a day or two after Eliott had broken up with Lucille. That meant there was a window of opportunity to try and repair things with her. It would have required a lot of effort on his behalf though, to be convincing enough for her to take him back even though he was secretly battling heartbreak over someone else. He might have even ironically used his mental illness as an excuse for their break up (actually, I am convinced he did because it will probably end up fuelling a certain comment from Lucille to Lucas about Eliott’s patterns).

What this means though is that Eliott has to stay convincing for Lucille: he has to be that happy boyfriend who wants to be with her, who just suffered a blip. If Lucille sees through him, he is in danger of being alone again. There is probably also an element of Eliott needing to convince himself that he will be happy with Lucille and can make their relationship work. The alternative of being alone after such a terrible year is just too painful.

So yeh, I’m not too surprised by all the smiles and kisses that Eliott was initiating with Lucille even though it hurts to see them. His instagram diary tells us the truth: that while he recognises the good parts of having Lucille as his girlfriend, it isn’t the same now.

(Side note: His ‘L and him’ caption breaks me! Like A) he is distancing himself from himself, and B) it’s like he is cherishing the letter L and finding comfort that he still has an L in his life. He can almost pretend it is the other L...)

LUCAS' FACE AFTER SEEING ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Well, Lucas’s face after seeing Eliott smiling at Lucille, cupping her face, kissing her, doing things he can still remember Eliott doing with him not too long ago... That is a face that is going to haunt us for a long time. The level of fury in it, of betrayal... I’ve never seen anything like it in Skam. That expression not only cuts straight through your chest, it strangles your heart.

it was so powerful and clearly the exact moment Lucas reached the bottom of what he could endure. Like shit, place a copy of that face into a scientific journal under “Human breaking point.”

When I think about that look and all the intense emotions swirling behind it, It feels like the dark twin of the look Eliott gave Lucas when he was playing piano. When Eliott looked at Lucas in that moment, you were just hit with those eyes, and it felt impossible to even begin describing all the different emotions in them. Lucas’ devastating fury holds a very similar power with all the complex emotions behind it. I consider it a ‘twin’ because Lucas’ eyes also seemed fuelled by love, but love that had been desecrated and turned into a wound against him...

(That gruesome lip curl when he glanced back at Arthur still yelling at him though. Oh damn that was fierce.)

Oh gosh guys, it was just so hard seeing Eliott kiss Lucille during the worst time of Lucas’ life. It was stomach-churning in a ‘I think someone just punched me in the gut’ way. Like, Lucas used to go to this guy for comfort and now in his time of need, when his ex-beard is yelling out his sexuality to strangers, when his friends are yelling awful things at him for everyone to hear, he not only doesn’t have Eliott to go to, but Eliott is so engrossed in the person Lucas always felt second-rate to. Eliott doesn’t even look up at the noise, he is completely oblivious to Lucas’ distress. Could Eliott feel any further away?

I don’t even want to begin trying to imagine everything Lucas was feeling at that moment as he looked at Eliott and Lucille. It is just too devastating. It actually feels worse than what Eliott went through in the school corridor, because at least then Eliott had control over it. Eliott could walk away before ever having to see what Lucas’ face would look like if he learned of Eliott’s mental illness; before ever having to hear Lucas break up with him over it.

Eliott also had all the information over their break up while Lucas remains in the dark (hi Polaris). Lucas is the one who has to see the guy he is in love with for real kissing the person Lucas has always felt second-rate to. And after all those promises that they would be together because Eliott had chosen him...

And since Lucas does not have the information on their break up that Eliott has, all Lucas can see when he looks at them is: Eliott never loved me; Eliott played me; Eliott has been happy with Lucille while I have been so miserable I’ve barely had energy to get off the couch; Eliott lied to me; Eliott never needed space, he just used it as an excuse to get back with Lucille without guilt; of course Eliott doesn’t want to be with me, why would I be so stupid to believe that he did?

And then in the midst of all this gut-wretching pain and the slap of betrayal, Lucas glances back at his friends who he just fought with, who can’t understand what he is going through, who are still hurling really hurtful things at him from the doorway (well, Arthur is), and he is just over everybody.

It almost feels like he is standing in this awful triangle of snipers who have opened fire on the most raw parts of his life -- his sexuality, his family situation, and the man he loves humiliating him in front of everyone. It’s just way too much humiliation and exposure for one person to take. Of course he had to get as far away from everyone and that hellhole of a place as soon as possible.

What is extra fun is that the people behind Lucas seem to have pieced some of the puzzle together. They see his fighting with the Gang, they see the pained expression of his face as he looks ahead, and they all turn to see what he is looking at to cause such an unmistakably anguished face. They see Lucille and Eliott. Guess we’re going to have some fun rumours after all when each section of the party joins up what they have witnessed with Lucas at the epicentre…

LUCAS HURTING HIMSELF

We all had an inkling that the beginning of Lucas’ hell week would be the hardest version for the viewer to watch. I think overall, our assumption was proved correct and that is all because this is the first version where we have seen Lucas’ face in the peak of his anguish.

In comparison, Skam og and Italia gave their Isak/Martino some privacy with their pain. We only ever see Isak’s back as he falls to his knees and cries so loud you can hear it over the Kanye track. We only ever see the vague outline of Martino’s face in the darkness as he screams and cries into his hands (it was so dark, it was lucky we were even able to see the spit flying from his mouth as he screamed). You basically had to rely on all other senses to figure out the amount of pain that Isak/Martino were going through. I think that method is powerful in itself, don’t get me wrong. But in France, we see Lucas completely exposed to the anguish ripping his soul apart. And it is incredibly confronting.

At first when Lucas left the party and the camera was following him down the dark, empty path, it felt like og: Lucas had privacy with his rage and pain. But then everything got loud; all the senses were like doubled. The sound of him smashing his fist against the bars of the fence was so loud and violent. We had that kind of noise in Italia too but that was from the piece of wood Martino was wielding, not his actual hand. So not only do you have the deep echo of metal being hit by a fist, you vicariously feel the pain that that must be inflicting on Lucas’ hand.

And then after Lucas realises he has injured himself and his legs lose power and he slumps down to the floor, the street light completely exposes the expression on his face. His anguish is completely exposed -- and it is anguish that is actually distorting his face. He almost isn’t recognisable. I mean, it is hard to watch anyone suffering that level of pain, but it’s even more hard-hitting with Lucas because his expressions are normally so controlled and neutral.

Two things absolutely wreck me next in this scene. The first is the way he cradles his bleeding hand. When you’ve hurt yourself, of course your natural instinct is to hold the damaged area as if you can somehow contain the pain to that one spot. But since his hurt hand feels more like a physical representation of his emotional hurt, it feels like he is trying to cradle himself. I HATE IT, MAKE IT STOP, GUYS!

The second thing that wrecks me is how after he slumps to the ground and leans his head back -- which also crashes against the metal bars with a deep booming echo -- he mouths something as if to say ‘ow’, like he is just hurting all over, no matter what he does.

And through all of it, he is crying without any sound because the emotion is coming from such a deep place in him. Until you see the numbness take over…

I’ll say it again: it is highly confronting. I can’t even bring myself to take screencaps of it.

I mean, that’s probably why og and Italia took a step back -- because that level of pain is so private and awful, it’s almost wrong for us to witness it. But, well, France plays dirty.

LUCAS HAS NO BEDROOM

Did I just say France plays dirty? Because they are about to double that claim by reminding us all of their trump card: that Lucas has no place to cry privately. His bed is literally in a communal living area while Manon goes through her own grieving in his bedroom.

When a person is as wounded by life as Lucas is right now, it is so essential to have a safe space all to yourself to be able to grieve in. Particularly for someone as reserved as Lucas, who won’t let anyone see any hint of his pain at all (except for this Friday night when his depression was so extreme, he had no energy to move in front of his friends and he couldn’t hide it anymore). How the hell is this poor kid supposed to grieve in a communal living room?!

And that also raises another question: how long did Lucas stay slumped on the cold concrete path on Friday night? If that was the best privacy he had, it was probably a long time. So yeh, thanks for that, France! Like this whole clip didn’t hurt enough…

A TINY BIT OF HOPE TO END ON…

What is unfortunately so hard with Lucas is how reserved he is with his emotions. He is such an island and that makes it hard for others to be able to help him. When Mika reached out to him on Thursday, he got a defensive eye roll. When Yann tried to reach out to him on Friday, he got grumpiness and a hurtful ‘It has nothing to do with you.’ It’s really hard to see Lucas push people away like that and just suffer so many things alone.

This week is going to be such an important turning point for him though. He will finally make that step to trust in others and share the pain that has been slowly drowning him. He has no other choice because he cannot mentally survive like that any longer. And when Lucas starts to open himself up more to his friends and roomates and starts to value that process, it is going to put him in such a healthy place to be able to be that support for Eliott when Eliott’s secrets are exposed and he becomes highly vulnerable.

Lucas’ journey is really tough right now but he is going reconnect with people and with life and be the best person he can be once he starts to accept help. It’s going to be such a rewarding journey to go through with him. <3

[samwpmarleau]

Hello how are you? I have read many of your stories here on Tumblr and I dared to send you this message. You write so perfectly to Elia that I wanted to ask if you could write a little story with her as queen regent of Rhaenys as future queen of Westeros. I know it's a bit strange since Aegon would have been the king, but I believe faithfully that Elia would have fought for her daughter to be the queen, without marrying her brother. Thanks for the incredible story you upload, they are great.

Thank you so much!! Hope you enjoy and that this isn’t too contrived :)

It takes days of negotiations, just the two of them, before they reach an agreement. Neither of them likes the deal, but then, that’s what compromise is. The little things take no time at all; it’s the sticking point that takes the dragon’s share of their time.

Rhaegar would not be moved on his demand that Aelyx, his Stark-looking infant bastard, would be raised in the Keep. He had not pressed for legitimization or princehood, but just the thought of the child being raised here had turned her stomach. Even with acknowledgement and residence being the only benefits the babe receives, it is far too much of a reminder of Daemon Blackfyre for Elia’s comfort.

And so she had had to declare her own dealbreaker: Rhaenys must be named heir. It didn’t–and doesn’t–matter to her whether he adopted Dornish primogeniture for good or whether he used a kingly proclamation, only that once all is said and done, Rhaenys would in due course be queen in her own right. He had balked, though she had expected that.

Refuse, and I will take the children away in the middle of the night and you will never see them again, mark my words, she had warned. Refuse, and your prince that was promised, two of your heads of the dragon, will be plucked from your grasp.

He must have seen the murderous sincerity to her face, or else even the possibility fo his prophecy being thwarted was too much of a risk, for eventually, he had agreed.

And he follows through. The next day, he informs the Small Council, and later the court, of his will. There is uproar to the highest degree, as predicted. Not only is Rhaenys a girl, they all complain, but she resembles a Targaryen no more than Elia herself.

Yet somehow Rhaegar quiets them, at least for now. He reminds them that Rhaenys’s namesake had been a queen in her own right, and had King Jaehaerys not skirted previously established law, the next Rhaenys would have been queen, too.

But perhaps Elia should not be surprised that he would convince them. Rhaegar’s silver tongue had managed to mend the realm, more or less, after the civil war he had helped start; this would have been simple.

The ravens fly that very day.

Rhaenys is far too young to understand the gravity of the decision, barely four as she is, yet every time Elia imagines the future, her half-Dornish daughter ruling from on high, it gives her vindicated pleasure.

She is not an ambitious person by nature, but if Rhaegar could parade his bastard in front of her, putting her children in danger by the boy’s very existence, spur talk of whether Rhaegar would favor his northern child over his trueborn ones, then by all the gods she will ensure her position. She will remind the realm that Dorne is not powerless. Dorne will not be threatened. More importantly, Rhaegar could never underestimate her nor try to set her aside–were that his inclination, or even a possibility, though she doesn’t think it is–nor think his role is the only one that matters.

Naming Rhaenys his heir, even if he only does so in defense of his prophecy, would remind him until he breathed his last breath that she, Elia of Dorne, would always hold sway.

It does work, in the end. Oh, there are always rumblings of dissent, fervent enough to make her uneasy, but nothing ever truly materializes. As the years pass, almost all of those who had opposed Rhaegar’s edict finally resign themselves to it, switching from staunch opposition to putting forth their sons or brothers or cousins–or even themselves–as a potential consort.

Elia never comes to accept Aelyx–how could she?–never mind that he has no title and that he claims he’s sworn his sword to his half-siblings. But much like the citizens of Westeros have accepted Rhaenys’s heirship, so has she accepted that he is here to stay. At the least, he seems as uncomfortable around her as she is around him.

She is profoundly skeptical when on his sixteenth nameday he approaches her and says that when there is an opening, he wishes to don a white cloak, whether for Rhaegar’s Kingsguard or Rhaenys’s Queensguard.

It would give me a purpose, he tells her. And mayhaps it would show you once and for all that I intend never to threaten my brother and sister. I love them, Your Grace.

It seems too grand a gesture, too good to be true–and yet when Lord Commander Hightower passes in his sleep, the boy indeed presents his case to Ser Arthur, Ser Gerold’s successor, who in turn presents it to Rhaegar. So it is that nigh on his nineteenth nameday, Aelyx Waters takes the oath just as he’d promised.

She doesn’t know what to make of it, is only able to give him a nod, but he embraces it all the same.

Eight years hence, the moment Elia had envisioned for so long arrives. Participating in his umpteenth joust, a piece of wood that had splintered into the unprotected joint of Rhaegar’s breastplate festers, and within the week, he perishes, sending shockwaves through the realm.

Allaying Elia’s worst fears, one by one each lord paramount and each chief vassal sinks to his knee before the throne on which Rhaenys sits, swearing to her his fealty. Her consort, Prince Garlan, is seated in the chair at the base of the throne, pride his only expression, their twins at his side.

(That had certainly been a lengthy negotiation, too. Everyone knew the Tyrells were only nominally loyalists during the Rebellion, and as a Martell of Sunspear, she had not enjoyed the idea of marrying her daughter to a Reacher. But alternate options were few and undesirable, and Ser Garlan had been as charming as his uncle, so finally she had relented. That Rhaenys is besotted, now if not at the beginning, is a balm.)

Her daughter is a vision, Elia thinks with joy. She is clad in rich Targaryen crimson and black, her gleaming golden crown matching the dozen bangles on her wrists and the bands tying back her hair. She looks eminently content and confident on that mound of swords, eliciting the image of a dragon warming itself in the sun.

Her reign would not be without challenges, Elia knows–but no matter the rest, it is Rhaenys of Houses Targaryen and Martell, the First of Her Name, who is Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, for now until the end of her days.

[shall-we-imagine]

Peace. (Elias GoldsteinxLuca Orlem [Platonic ig] *AU*)

A/N: This was supposed to be just a drabble but as you guys might've noticed I cannot control myself and this is longer than a drabble 😂

Genre: Fluff/a bit angsty ig

Summary: Sometimes what you have to do and what you want to do are two opposite things.

(Third point of view)

"You don't understand how it's like! You've always been the perfect one!" Tears blurring his vision, the 11-year-old boy yells at his older brother, who had merely tried to calm him down and had nothing to do with the younger boy's problem whatsoever.

"Elias, could you please listen?" Maintaining a soft, calm voice, the teenager attempts to reason with the child. It wasn't rare for Elias to throw temper tantrums every now and then; being his older brothers, Alfonse and Klaus would always try to coax him into letting them take care of him and comfort him, yet sometimes, today being an example, Elias decides to remain as stubborn as could be and refuse to let them in.

"No!" The boy huffs, "I'm going to see Luca!" He turns towards the coat hanger, grasping his beige jacket and rushing towards the front door.

"Why do you keep saying that?! You know, if you leave now, father is gonna get-" slam! "..angry.." Sighing in frustration, Klaus runs his hand through his soft, curly locks. He contemplated following his brother out but decided against it; he knew he would be back soon, and a lot calmer as well. Perhaps he could find a way to ensure their father doesn't know his 11-year-old son just stormed off though..

"How many times do I have to get scolded for not being good enough?" Elias mutters, struggling to get his jacket on. "No matter what I do, it's always you could've done better." Puffs of smoke leave his freezing lips, and he mentally slaps himself for not taking time to bring along a scarf at least. It was harshly cold, but he had too much pride to go back and layer up before leaving again. Therefore, he forced his mind off the slight shivers of his body and the constant clashing of his teeth.

At the sight of the familiar tree stump, Elias's pace quickens subconsciously. It was their official meeting spot.

Sighing, Elias plops onto the wooden surface that had begun collecting tiny mushrooms all around it. "I miss when your bedroom and mine were merely two windows and a few inches apart. I wouldn't be freezing out here to see you." The blond grumbles to himself, or at least that's what he thought.

"Hey, it's not my fault! I do miss it too though." Elias's head snaps towards the green-haired boy currently taking seat on the same stump. "How have you been, Prince Elias?" The latter grins.

"Luca, you've known me since birth! I'm not royalty!"

"You could totally pass off as a prince though." You'd think the two would get tired of this argument, yet they didn't seem to be stopping any time soon.

"Whatever. I had another argument with my father." Elias confesses the reason of his visit, "and Klaus.."

"Man, why do you never visit just because you miss me?" Luca teases the younger boy.

"Because you're annoying." The Goldstein retorts.

"You're just too prideful to admit you missed me; that's all." Orlem smirks, earning a glare from the blond.

"You wish." Elias rolls his eyes, wishing the redness of his cheeks could slide with an excuse of how cold it is. He knew it was true. He always missed Luca but would never say it out loud; hell, he could barely admit it to himself.

"Anyway, you still haven't found a way to leave?" Tentatively, Elias shifts to a more sensitive topic. His gut twisted uncomfortably, as he waited for an answer. Yes or no, whichever it was; he couldn't feel true happiness. Deep down, he was aware he had to be happy for his friend if he'd found a way to escape this lonesome misery, but the selfish side of him set his heart ablaze at the sole thought of saying goodbye one more time. One last time.

Elias swore he caught Luca's smile drop a little, but it was back so fast he doubted himself. "I wouldn't be here if I'd figured something out, would I?" He jokes, but his younger friend knew him too well. He could sense the sadness within the statement.

"You'll figure something out; I'm sure." Elias attempts to comfort the other boy, hiding his own discomfort towards the statement.

"Ah, I'm a restless soul cuz my friend keeps having arguments with his family, so I need to be here for him. I haven't fulfilled my purpose!" Luca's playful self returns, as he dramatically sighs and throws the blame on his friend.

"That cannot be the reason!" Elias argues, but a flicker of guilt finds its way to his heart. "..right?"

"I don't know." Luca shrugs, "I mean I don't feel restless. I just feel bored most of the time, to be honest."

"Can you believe I've gone through this entire forest?" He chuckles, a glimmer of excitement coating his words.

"At least you found a way to enjoy yourself." The younger smiles.

"Mmhm." Luca nods.

An awkward silence fills the dark forest. They were ignoring the elephant in the room. For the first few month, they were both filled with glee at the pleasant accident- an unforseen reunion. However, now it was more of a burden; it was a mistake they couldn't fix- one they hadn't even committed in the first place but still had to find a solution for by themselves.

As much as they loved being able to see each other still, Luca was stuck in the middle of a forest, neither dead nor alive, and that wasn't the most pleasant of postions.

Even though he wasn't told what to do, Elias felt it somehow. The key to Luca's freedom was tightly clasped between the blond's hand, while he pretended not to find it.

Elias's head drops, fixing his eyes on the ground. A trail of ants was what he decided to stare at; he wasn't even sure how the moon was able to make the tiny creatures that clear to him; perhaps Elias's need to look at anything but Luca gave him super vision. Who knows.

His shaky voice barely audible, Elias lets out the thought he kept trapped for his own selfish needs. "I'm going to stop mourning you." He fought against the burning in his eyes and the lump at the back of his throat. For once, he was thankful for being late for a haircut, since his hair conveniently kept his currently moist eyes hidden.

The older lets out a nervous laugh. "Why are you mourning me, prince? I'm right here." He spreads his arms widely, in a way to show his presence.

"You're a spirit, Luca!" The smaller boy sniffles, unable to battle his own emotions.

"So? I'm still your friend, am I not?" Luca feigns hurt, but his goofy nature that always cheered up his friend had failed him this time. The younger remained silent, forcing Luca to speak up again, this time abandoning his humor and resorting to a different method.

"Elias, listen; I know you're scared I'll leave you alone, and I know you feel guilty about it, but it's normal, isn't it? Death is inevitable. Life had somehow managed to give us a chance to reunite- a chance for me to assure you my death wasn't your fault. It should've made you happier not more miserable." His green eyes stared intently at the blond, who for the first time in a while looked up from the ground.

"I know." The younger sniffles. "I want to set you free- I do, but I just miss you, Luca..I miss you so much. You never should've left me like this! I never should've agreed to your stupid idea that day!" By now, Elias's voice had gotten gradually louder. He was tired of bottling up his sorrows.

"Elias, I suggested we play here; my death was my fault- not yours, so for once, listen to me, and stop drowining yourself in guilt!"

"But..if I'd said no then maybe-"

Luca gets off the stump and stands facing Elias. "If you'd said no, I would've dragged you here either way, Elias. It's not like I would've listened. When have I ever?" Adding a small laugh, the older boy peeks at his friend's face.

"You never listen." Luca was left unsure how to feel or act; Elias had spoken the sentence and paired it with a laugh, yet streams of tears raced down his rosy cheeks.

Luca dropped to his knees, "Are you okay, Elias? I'm sorry." He didn't know what he'd done to gain such a conflicted reaction from the smaller guy, but he felt bad nevertheless.

Resolution in his eyes, Elias wipes away his tears (not that it did much to stop the streams spilling out his eyes anyway) and gives a bright smile to his friend. "I'm good. You're right. I'm glad we've had this chance; I'm glad I can say goodbye to you properly."

"I..I don't think you look very glad, Elias.." Luca gave a light, nervous laugh.

It was as if Elias could no longer hear his friend. "I will miss you, Luca, but it's time I let you go. It's time you get to rest."

"Wha..what are you talking about, Elias?" The older boy grew more nervous and confused.

"Goodbye, Luca." A pained yet genuine smile revealed itself on the blond's lips.

A reply was never given. Green eyes bore into purple ones; until eventually, Elias could no longer see the beautiful emeralds that were embedded in his memory by now. And for a few moments, the boy kept staring at the big, plain, lonely tree before him, trying to grasp the fact that he'd just freed his friend.

He was happy, wasn't he? His heart twisted in anguish, but he was content. In some strange, unexplainable way, he felt joy.

"Elias! My goodness, father is gonna kill us all if you don't come back with us now." Klaus rushes to the little boy's side, Alfonse following shortly after.

"Are you..crying?" The eldest asked in the softest voice.

"No." It was a blatant lie, everyone could tell. And even though he didn't try to seem convincing, no one questioned him.

Silently, all three walked out the forest.

Elias almost wanted to remain inside the green space, as if leaving was a confirmation he'd never see his friend again. But of course he couldn't. He followed his older brothers home. They didn't ask questions, and for that he was thankful.

By the time they reached their front door, Elias had cried his eyes dry. His siblings walked inside, but he stayed back for a few seconds and took one last look at the starry sky.

"I hope you're finally at peace." He whispered. Perhaps he'd gone mad, but he was sure he heard a familiar voice whisper back.

Same goes to you, Prince.

[kiruuuuu]

Blitz/Rook oneshot in which Blitz would like their relationship to stay secret and Rook... doesn’t. - for @magehir and her adorable second hand embarrassment ❤ :) (Rating T, fluff/humour, ~2.2k words)

.

“Oh I’m sorry, what was the question?”, Rook asks, a sickly sweet smile on his face and voice raised to make sure everyone in his close vicinity can hear him – though it’s painfully obvious he’s doing it for the benefit of one special someone who shows no outward reaction but struggles not to draw his brows together or even roll his eyes.

Ash grants the Frenchman a weird look and repeats herself at a normal volume: “I was just wondering whether you’re seeing anyone at the moment. You seem so chipper lately.”

“Sadly, no. There’s no one like that in my life right now, though I wish there was. Someone with whom I could hold hands in public, you know?” Ash nods sympathetically and opens her mouth to reply but Rook isn’t done, not by a long shot. “I bet he’d make me ridiculously happy just by being there when I wake up or by being the last thing I see before I sleep and I’d want to shout out to the whole world just how glad I am to have him.” The redhead is looking increasingly confused now at all the unnecessary detail yet is clearly too polite to interrupt. “Believe me, if there was someone, I’d want everyone to see how disgustingly happy we are and to listen to me gushing endlessly about how wonderful he is and -”

“Sorry to interrupt, Rook, but do you have a minute?”, Blitz chimes in after turning towards him with a fake smile. “I’d like you to take a look at my pistol, I feel like its accuracy is going down but have no idea why.”

Rook mirrors his vaguely pained expression perfectly and chirps: “I’m sure your gun is working fine, Elias.” They stare at each other wordlessly, neither of them willing to back down, while Ash just judges them silently. “We were just speaking of relationships. How would you show your significant other how much you love them?”

He’s ready for this one. “By respecting their boundaries and accepting compromises without complaints should it come to a clash in personal values”, he replies evenly.

The boyish face before him darkens considerably. “The accuracy is getting worse, you said?”, Rook grits out and grabs his sleeve, proceeds to drag him away from an entirely bemused Ash and down the nearest corridor, into the closest room that’s unoccupied. It’s resembling a typical interrogation room, the only furniture being two chairs, a cheap table and a large mirror on the wall – and isn’t it ironic that they’re going to have this conversation in a place like this. Blitz doesn’t miss how Rook purposefully positions himself with his back to the mirror so he doesn’t have to see his own angry expression.

“You’re being too obvious”, he states and it was undoubtedly the wrong thing to start with since Rook’s temper flares.

“Oh yeah? First you explicitly forbid me to talk to you, now I’m not allowed to talk about you? It was implicit, she didn’t have any idea what I was on about -”

“Which is exactly my point, she’s going to wonder until she looks more closely at what you said, maybe mentions it to Jordan whom you told that your ‘ideal type’ is someone your height with dirty blonde hair and an accent and oh, who could that be?”

“You’re being paranoid. They have better things to do than to gossip, do you genuinely think they compare notes or something? Why the hell do you even care that much whether they know or not? Jäger is gayer than the two of us combined and no one talks shit about him. Except for Bandit, but he badmouths everyone.”

Blitz heaves a sigh and rubs his forehead in an attempt to tidy his thoughts. It’s far from the first time they’re talking about this yet it always seems to drain him, leaves him weary and oddly exposed. “I’m not ashamed of you”, he says quietly and breathes a little more freely when Rook’s annoyance softens, “really, I’m not. You’re great, I’m insanely lucky to have you and I don’t tell you this often enough. But I just need some time. Alright? Just a bit more. Please.”

The young man seems appeased but it doesn’t mean much, he appeared satisfied the last time they had this argument. “How long? You keep postponing it, every time I ask it’s just ‘a little longer’. What if it’s ‘a little longer’ for a year? Give me something, mon cœur, just so I know you mean it.”

“I promised you I’d work on it, right?” A nod – of course Rook remembers. “It wasn’t empty: I told Seamus earlier.”

At this, the Frenchman’s eyes light up. “Did you really?”

“Yes. He was very supportive, promised not to pass it on and wished us all the best. I couldn’t have asked for – why are you looking at me like that?”

Rook is suddenly beaming at him full force, all traces of his earlier ire vanished into thin air and he’s almost bouncing with joy. “That’s – thank you. Why didn’t you tell me right away? Oh, I thought -”

He cuts off abruptly and Blitz can guess effortlessly what’s going on in his pretty head: “Seriously? You thought I’d never tell anyone and dump you without anyone ever knowing we’re together? Julien, please. Come here.” He pulls him into a tight hug that’s reciprocated just as eagerly and strokes his back reassuringly. Even though he knows his lover can go overboard with his emotional responses, the fact that Blitz must’ve given him reason to worry makes him feel guilty regardless. “I’m sorry”, he murmurs against Rook’s cheek, “I shouldn’t have waited so long. You’re worth so much more than my pride.”

The man in his arms draws a shaky breath but manages to pull himself together and when they separate again, there’s a genuine smile illuminating the sparse room. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for pressuring you. I really should respect your boundaries.”

“It’s alright.” Blitz strokes over Rook’s cheek on an impulse, relishes the soft skin under his fingertips. “If you want, we can tell Emmanuelle next, maybe even today. You said you’d like her to know and she’d also not tell anyone.”

“Yeah. That’d be nice. Let’s do it together.” And just like that, Blitz’ heart is singing again. Relief and fondness are making him light-headed, making him cherish how they seem to have overcome an obstacle in their way and only grown closer in doing so. He leans in and Rook’s eyelashes fanning out as his lids fall shut are the last thing he sees just before their lips touch. It’s simple and short at first, nothing more than a brush, only then Blitz realises he’s far from done and repeats it, catches Rook’s top lip between his own, tilts his head the other direction and then they’re kissing properly.

Almost chastely, their mouths slide together, work against each other, up to the point where Rook’s tongue darts out, politely asks for entry that Blitz grants generously and it morphs into something more than just an affectionate gesture. It’s addicting and lovely, still sugary sweet and slow but now it kindles a fire in Blitz to taste his lover more, more deeply and more intimately. He pulls their bodies flush, starts toying with Rook’s tongue in earnest and wonders when trading spit with someone, with another man became this desirable, this all-out attractive to him. He can probably accredit it to Rook and Rook alone, he kisses like a young god and is always patient enough to adapt to Blitz’ pace.

When they break apart again, both of them are smiling at their shared secret that would persist even if everyone else knew they care about each other – because no one could possibly understand how much. Blitz’ hand is in the nape of Rook’s neck and though one of his rules was that nothing would ever happen at work, he still pulls him back in and invades his mouth nonetheless, allows the strong legs to walk him backwards until he hits a wall. They fuse together, hips moving against each other more out of habit than need yet Blitz feels himself grow hard; Rook smells delicious and the way he nips at Blitz’ lip is nothing short of magical. The atmosphere has shifted completely, turned into something warm, playful, intimate.

“I bet this isn’t the gun Ash thinks I’m inspecting right now”, Rook murmurs and drags his fingers over the bulge in Blitz’ jeans, both of them grinning good-naturedly.

“We can take care of this when we’re done with work, hm?”

“Yeah. You said you wanted to get out more, right? We can take Mark’s car, I’ve got his keys, just drive out into the countryside somewhere and make love on the back seat.”

“I’d rather not soil his upholstery”, Blitz responds with a chuckle and grimaces while trying to adjust his crotch without actually using his hands. Rook notices what he’s doing and simply reaches into his trousers and underwear, grabs the half-hard shaft and pulls it into a non-incriminatory position, not without giving it a few light tugs for good measure.

“There you go, you’re decent now. Don’t talk to Bandit though, he’s probably the only one who’d both stare at your crotch creepily and unnecessarily and comment on it.”

Blitz just agrees with him and, with a final kiss and a quick squeeze to Rook’s buttocks, they step away from each other and out of the room. “What would I do without you?”, he asks rhetorically, gets a bright grin in return and then moves to walk back just as Jäger rounds the corner with what looks like a bowl of popcorn in his hands. As soon as he spots the two, his eyes widen comically and he seems to fight the urge to run away immediately.

“Oh! Uh, hi”, he greets them awkwardly. “I was just – do you want some popcorn?”

His teammate just stares at him, uncomprehending, until a terrible thought crosses his mind. He looks back at the door from which they’ve just emerged, then at the door next to it, thinks of the large mirror and the interrogation theme of the furniture and dear God please no. He prays for the adjacent room to be empty but the way Jäger involuntarily twitches as soon as he grabs the handle already tells him unambiguously it’s not going to be.

Blitz is greeted with entirely too many pairs of eyes who stare at him decidedly too entertained – the small chamber is cramped with people, he sees Bandit, the entirety of the SAS, Ash and even two of the Russians. Past them, he has an unobstructed view of the room he and Rook have just left and it’s not hard to imagine what in the world happened. As if on commando, at least five pieces of paper jump up, all of them labelled with a number and it takes Blitz a mere second to understand they’re fucking rating him as if he’d just ice skated competitively.

“Oh my fucking God”, he says because there’s literally nothing else he could say.

“You missed the crotch grab”, Bandit addresses Jäger over Blitz’ shoulder with a gleeful glint in his eyes, “don’t shake Rook’s hand unless you want to get a handful of a different German cock for once.”

“Beautiful”, Kapkan adds and pretends to wipe away a tear with his note that reads a solid 9.5. “You two are ready for the stage, it had everything: conflict, reconciliation, passion and romance.”

Blitz can’t believe it. He’s just standing there, thunderstruck, and gapes at the audacity. “How long -”

“Originally, Marius and I wanted to fuck in here”, Bandit explains helpfully and with a shit eating grin, “but then you two came in and I figured others might appreciate the show as well, so I gathered an audience.”

“I’m revoking your rights to my car, by the way”, Mute butts in and holds out his hand. “For obvious reasons.”

Rook seems surprisingly fine with the whole situation, quite the opposite to Blitz whose face must’ve adopted the colour of a tomato by now. He steps inside and drops the keys in question into Mute’s palm. “That’s fair enough. But why the fuck do we only get a 3?”

Bandit looks at the number he wrote and shrugs. “Neither of you moaned like a bitch, so it can’t have been that good. Or is that not normal? Is that just something Marius does?”

“Kill me”, Jäger mumbles and expertly expresses Blitz’ mood in those two words alone.

“I, for one, think you two make an adorable couple”, Smoke raises his voice and earns unanimous and very vocal agreement, especially from Thatcher who’s holding an impressive 10. “And there’s nothing you need to worry about, especially because you’re both so embarrassingly obvious that most of us knew already anyway.”

Ash just snorts at that. “Yeah. Gun inspection. Really?”

And when Rook starts arguing with Glaz about the fact that he awarded them a measly 7, Blitz’ mortification coupled with an increasingly strong death wish take over and he shuts the door once more, locking out the incessant voices and at least some of the teasing. He turns to Jäger who’s watching him with a sympathetic expression and says: “You know, I suddenly feel like getting very, very drunk.”

His teammate looks down at the popcorn he’s still carrying and nods slowly. “Yeah. Sounds good. The first round is on me, mate.”

[darkestshadeofdumo]

With the day fast approaching, Elias' inability to sort out a gift for Rey plagued his mind. Birthdays had never been something concerned himself with; the Jedi order frowned upon such frivolities, the Empire left him with little room for such indulgences, and the time since had never felt right for such celebration. For the first time, he'd had someone whom he _wanted_ to celebrate, and there he was unable to sort out how.

The day came, and the kids had gone about their days, leaving him alone to contemplate. He wanted the gift to have meaning-Rey was not one for pointless baubles or gaudy luxuries-and for it to be something personal. Something he'd made, or that had value to him that could be passed on. In truth, he didnt have much offer her in the way of phsycial objects, but, at length, he settled on an idea.

When he first ventured out, he caught sight of D-O hurriedly zipping through the streets and got in the small droid's path curiously.

"Why the hurry, little guy?"

"B-B-Ben! Rey is looking for him!"

After deciding a brief detour couldn't hurt, he decided to assist. It didn't take long, but Ben's location did cause some curiosity. It seemed that perhaps he was not the only one plotting out some sort of surprise. Curiosity struck again, and Elias let his distance while observing Ben's machinations come to fruition. As the meal was served and the two at and bickered, Elias's heart swelled with joy. The three of them had gotten of to such a rocky start with each other, but to see how far they'd come filled him with a pride he'd never before known himself capable of. He watched them for a time before setting off, deciding his gift could wait.

It was later evening by the time he finally approached Rey, finding her in the freighter's terrarium tending to the plants. The little smile she gave when she first saw him earned one in return, as it often did, and he stepped up beside her observing her handiwork.

Rey was first to speak,

"_There you are_! None of us have seen you all day; was starting to worry."

"I was...on something of a journey, I suppose. I had some things to consider."

He reached up a hand to the mask that usually adorns his face when he's out and about, meant to obscure his disfigurement. There was some hesitation before he next spoke as nervousness suddenly gripped him. After having witnessed Ben's beautiful gesture, he wondered if his own would fall pitifully short. Ultimately deciding that there wasn't enough time left for indecision, he held it out towards Rey. She cautiously took the mask in her hands with a raised brow. Before she could ask the obvious question, he gave the answer:

"I want you to have this. I know it won't be of much use to you, but...I'm not really good at the whole...birthday thing. What I do know, however, is the good you've done for me since we met on Coruscsnt. You've helped me stop seeing so much of a monster when I look in the mirror," he raise a hand up to touch the warped side of his face, "and see more of a man. Because of you...I don't feel so ashamed of this anymore. So, I don't need a mask anymore. You've freed me of it. I've no need to conceal my identity; that has been lost to the annals of history. In truth, I hid my face to spare my vanity and hide my mistakes. I no longer feel either to be necessary. So I gift you this mask, a symbol of the pain I've carried and a gesture of the freedom you've brought me."

As he explained, she listened silently and intently, eyes periodically moving between his face and the mask in her hands. When he finished, she was silent for a time with the mask getting her full attention. When she finally came out of what seemed like a trance, it was to wordlessly pull Elias into a tight embrace, and she did her best to stem the tide of tears that threatened to burst from behind her eyes. She'd cried before Elias of course, but since they'd met he'd somehow learned _precisely_ what to say to start the waterworks, and it seemed to favor doing so liberally. Thankfully they always came from a place of overwhelming joy, but it made her worry how many years she had left to cry before he made her eyes all dried up.

The embrace was brief but forceful, and when she pulled away she saw he was fighting his own battle of emotions.

"Thank you, Elias. I would say you can't know how much this means to me, but you're one of so few who actually could. You say I gave you freedom, but you gave something just as precious to me. You gave me **family**. Something I'd spent my whole life searching for, you went out of your way and gave it to me; freely and willingly. To know that in some way I could have managed to pay back what I thought an unpayable debt is the greatest gift you could have given me."

At that, Elias lost his fight and the tears flowed elated and unbidden. He returned her huge with one just as tight and a spoke into her ear, "Happy Birthday, Rey."

[anguianoj-blog]

Final Thoughts

          My worldly identity at this time is best described as leader. As a father, husband and manager within my organization I have a great number of people constantly looking to me for direction.  In my personal life I am responsible for providing for my family and influencing the mind of my three boys. I play many roles in my children’s lives by acting as a coach and mentor.  I also serve as a motivator and supporter for my wife in our daily lives.  At work I am much of the same but in a different capacity. I lead a successful sales team on a daily basis so I am responsible for the teaching and coaching that comes along with an ever-changing industry.  I not only act as a decision maker for my team but also as a safety net to ensure they’re successful.  I understand that I am always on stage in the sense that I am always looked at as a role model for my colleagues and will always be my children’s first super hero. I aspire to be a successful leader and role model not only in industry but also to my family, especially my children. I have a goal of finishing my degree which will allow me the opportunity to continue my leadership journey in my career.  My ultimate objective in life is to raise three God fearing, loving young men who serve a greater purpose for this world. The challenges I face, like most, revolve around the day to day tasks that are expected by the roles we fill.  With the numerous hats I wear in my life, the biggest battle I face is time; time to make a meaningful impact on those that rely on me, time to make memories with my family and, time for self-reflection on who I am and how I continue to grow in my journey.

           In Chapter 31 (XXXI) of the Rule of St. Benedict, it states, “Above all things, let him be humble; and if he hath not the things to give, let him answer with a kind word, because it is written: "A good word is above the best gift" (Sir 18:17). (Verheyen, 1949)  I find myself entrusted with the development of others in both my personal and professional life.  It is something that I do not take lightly and wear a great badge of honor in this responsibility.  I continue to remind myself that it is not always about me but for the betterment of those around me.  I can use this Rule of St. Benedict by always remaining humble and seeking the kind words with those I am teaching.  This chapter also states. “Let him provide for the sick, the children, the guests, and the poor, with all care, knowing that, without doubt, he will have to give an account of all these things on judgment day.” (Verheyen, 1949)  This particular passage hits home with me because I have found in my life that I find gratefulness in helping those in need. It is important to note that The Rule of St. Benedict does not serve as a path to getting to Heaven but as a “guide to living a life in balance, a life of virtue and true happiness” and this is something that I am in constant pursuit of. (Verheyen, 1949)        

           In the TED Talks “Want to be Happy? Be Grateful” by Benedictine Monk David Steindl-Rast, he reiterates that it is not happiness that makes people grateful but it is gratefulness that makes people happy. As Steindl-Rast goes onto explain how we can find gratefulness in our daily lives, he relates it to something that we learn as a child when crossing the street when he says we simply have to “Stop. Look. Go.” (Steindl-Rast, 2013)  This very simple process reminds me of the Benedictine Hallmark of Prayer where we simply stop to reflect on the blessings we have and find gratefulness in what He has provided us with.  In Rabbi Sharon Braus’ TED Talks “It’s Time to Reclaim Religion” she speaks of differing theologies and although independent, they often share common core beliefs.  One that she speaks of is interconnectedness and she goes on to tell a story about a soccer ball that washes up on shore in Alaska from a tsunami that occurred in Japan and how that ball made it back to its owner through a post on social media. (Braus, 2016)  Braus writes, “How small our world has become.  It's so hard for us to remember how interconnected we all are as human beings.” (Braus, 2016)  This is a prime example of the Benedictine Hallmark of love of Christ and neighbor by using the universal language of love through faith.  We are all interconnected through faith and the love of Christ.

          In considering Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Theory and how it applies to my life, it is clear in identifying my microsystem that supports my development.  My microsystem is comprised of various people or groups that I hold dear to me and look to them for guidance as I continue to grow as a person.  The first and most important people to me are my wife, Linda, and my three boys, Dominic, Elias and Roman.  In acting as their provider, they have the greatest impact on the decisions I make and what I make important on a daily basis.  Next, I would have to identify my parents as they are the ones who raised me with the morals that I carry with me to this day.  My father was in the Marine Corps for twenty-five years so naturally, the values of loyalty, honor, and respect are important to me as I raise my own children.  My colleagues also hold great value to me at this point in my life.  I lean on my direct leader for guidance and feedback on my performance and that has created a special relationship for me built and trust and personal growth.  Lastly, my friends' group gives me an outlet to escape the day to day responsibilities that come with the many focuses I have.  All of these groups make up my mesosystem in Bronfenbrenner’s Ecological Theory because, at times, these groups all interact with one another.  The best example that I can give is the connection between my friends and family. Over time, my friends' circle has diminished as we all focus on our own personal microsystems.  But, I do have many friends that I have known since my childhood that play an important role for my family.  My best friend Ryan and I met when we were just twelve years old and have followed each other across the country and back over the course of the last twenty years.  He is like a brother to me and is known as Uncle Ryan to my children.  Another example of my microsystems interacting to make up my mesosystem is the relationships that I have created through work that has turned into friendship outside of work.  Many of my colleagues have similarly aged children so it is easy to find something in common and thus, personal relationships are born between our families.  Overall, one correlation that I made in learning about Bronfenbrenner's Ecological Theory is that sometimes people can fit into two separate microsystems depending on the setting in which the interaction is occurring.

           In considering Daniel Goleman’s five components of emotional intelligence, I can narrow my personal emotional intelligence down to two areas of focus.  The first area is one that I am very confident in and I do not have to focus on as it comes naturally to me. The element of internal motivation as defined by Goleman is, “A passion to work for internal reasons that go beyond money and status” (Goleman, 1995).  I have found that I find joy in helping other people succeed and with that, this area of my emotional intelligence really helps with the relationships that I form. This component specifically helps me with maintaining the relationships in my micro and mesosystem because the people around me can see the internal motivation I have and it helps build a greater trust in the relationship.  When people can see your true self and the genuine pride you take in what you do, it allows for deeper roots to grow within that personal relationship.  The other area of focus is something that I have worked immensely on over my life and continue to be cognizant of within my microsystem relationships.  As summarized by Peter Salovey and John Mayer in the psychological theory of emotional intelligence, “…to reflectively regulate emotions so as to promote emotional and intellectual growth." (Mayer & Salovey, 1997) Self-regulation is an area that I have strived to improve upon in my emotional intelligence journey.  I tend to be very impulsive with my decision making and it has proven to significantly impact my microsystem relationships at times. In learning more about my own personal emotional intelligence over time, I have identified this as an area of opportunity for myself and have grown in this component.  Understanding one's emotions and what our tendencies are can greatly benefit the micro and mesosystem relationships that surround you.  I strongly believe that my emotional intelligence will never be perfect but my hope is, as Goleman states, “As people become more effective, they pick up strengths in areas that they need.” (Goleman, 2012)

           In “Chapter IV” of The Rule of St. Benedict, Benedict of Nursia uses scripture to create a list of responsibilities for every Christian.  I can tie many of these duties to the way that I strive to live within my own micro and mesosystem.  (18) To help in trouble, (28) to speak the truth with heart and tongue and (18) to put one’s trust in God, greatly represent the virtues that I strive to practice every day.  By focusing on these values, it ensures that the people in my microsystem see my transparent self.  Transparency is critical in relationships as it serves as the foundation for trust to be built.  In considering the Benedictine Hallmarks of Stability and Conversatio and how it impacts the relationships in my own ecological environment, they can be tied together in several ways.  The Hallmark of Stability can be represented in my life by the way that I embrace and navigate change.  As Dr. Elizabeth Kubek states in the Benedictine University Hallmarks video on Conversatio, “There is room for stability within change.”  I believe that my microsystem acts as my stability throughout the changes that I go through in my life.  Every day I reflect on what I have accomplished and one thing that I ask myself is, have I impacted someone’s life in a positive way.  To me, that is not only living in a way as laid out in The Rule of St. Benedict but also I am aiding in the stability of someone within my microsystem.  Within my own ecological system, I am surrounded by some intelligent and diverse people that have lots of value to add to my personal development.  By being open to others way of thinking and understanding their perspective helps define the Benedictine Hallmark of Conversatio.  I believe that this is not only important for me personally but others could benefit from allowing people to share ideas without fear of rebuke.  

          In considering the elements of positive psychology and appreciative inquiry, I can identify several key areas that fascinate me. First, in looking at positive psychology, I am intrigued by Martin Seligman’s explanation of the three happy lives in the TED talks, The New Era of Positive Psychology.  Seligman explains the three lives as the pleasant life, the good life, and the meaningful life.  In specifically examining the research done on the psychological good life, we have learned that “Happiness is a cause of good things in life and not simply along for the happy ride. People who are satisfied with life eventually have even more reason to be satisfied, because happiness leads to desirable outcomes at school and work, to fulfilling social relationships, and even to good health and long life” (Peterson, 2008). This leads us to understand that the good life can provide self-sufficient happiness, in that, having genuine happiness; you can guide yourself in a direction that will provide a gratifying outcome in your life.  Also, both Seligman and Peterson reiterate, we can teach these three different happy lives through positive interventions.  Understanding where your strengths are can greatly enhance your happiness with your life, which can have a significant outcome on your optimism in life.   Appreciative Inquiry (AI) is a philosophy that focuses on the individual’s strength rather than a problem-based approach.  AI ignites engagement through sharing ones positive experiences to raise participation in making positive change commence.  In my leadership journey, I have learned that focusing on the individual strengths within my team can have a greater impact on the overall performance of the team.  In my workplace, we use a mixture of problem-based and strength-based approaches when dealing with initiatives and change.  There is a lot of power in best practices or storytelling but just because it was successful for one person or team, does not mean that it is the only way to accomplish said goal.  My mentality has been creating an environment for people to feel respected, connected, and protected while they develop professionally and personally.  Allowing one to be autonomous in their role helps build a culture of passion and trust and ultimately helps one in their pursuit of a happy life.

In watching “Why the Only Future Worth Building Includes Everyone” by His Holiness Pope Francis, I was reminded of something that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said in his Letter from Birmingham Jail. Dr. King writes, “In a real sense all life is interrelated. All men are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be, and you can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be…this is the interrelated structure of reality” (King Jr., 1963). Pope Francis does a great job at reminding us that we all need each other and although we are all separate, “we can only build the future by standing together, including everyone” (Francis, 2017). In considering these two great leaders’ words, I can relate these thoughts into the way that I interact with those I meet on a daily basis.  There are great insights and commonalities that we all share and the only way to really see that is if we are open to engaging in dialogue with those we meet. I interact with individuals of various backgrounds on a regular basis and I have found we all have one thing in common, we all want to be appreciated for the talents we have.  Taking time to understand someone’s background and what they hold important to them goes far beyond their socioeconomic status.  I believe that diversity is a gift and we all have the opportunity to go beyond our bubble to learn about others and in turn, we end up learning more about ourselves.

          Being open-minded to new ideas and worldly views can expand the way you see the world and the ability you see in others.  This relates directly to the Benedictine Hallmark of Humility and is best summed up in the statement, “It is our intent that individuals discover what they are good at doing and what they need others' help to achieve. Rather than fostering competition for status and eminence, we strive to engage the insights and expertise of a wide variety of persons in our collective purpose” (Benedictine, 2019). When you put these words into practice, you open yourself up to growth and a greater vision of the world. Everyone has unique talents and we cannot learn everything on our own.  It is up to us to discover what we need help with and seek others’ guidance in learning.  Although it is not always easy to do, this is how we create a common purpose in this world. In others seeking the wisdoms of our strengths, we allow ourselves to be hospitable to those in need of our assistance. The Hallmark of Hospitality serves as the platform to accept one another with open arms and demonstrate humbleness while doing it.  In reflecting on these learnings, I believe that we can all create joy for those around us; we just have to be willing to do so.  As Pope Francis states, “Allow me to say it loud and clear: the more powerful you are, the more your actions will have an impact on the people, the more responsible you are to act humbly” (Francis, 2017). We all hold power to the individuals we surround ourselves with and it is our responsibility to build each other up.

           In understanding the concerns that impact the environment in which we live, I have a duty to teach my children the importance of the decisions we make that impact our world.  There are several environmental issues that warrant our attention such as, climate change, sustainable energy, and ocean pollution. The concept of Community that is described in Benedictine Hallmarks can help with this teaching by “focusing on the nature of responsible living” (Benedictine, 2019).  The Hallmark of Stewardship serves as the “awareness that we are part of a larger ecology and that the environment- human as well as non-human - has been given by God for the sake of all” (Benedictine, 2019).  In living a responsible life and focusing on what we have been provided with, we can help raise understanding in our local communities on how we are impacting the environment.  These two focuses remind us that we all have a part in the greater impact on the macro system phenomena that impact us today. After all, “it is our collective and individual responsibility to preserve and tend to the environment in which we all live” (Lama XIV).  

           The environmental focus that is most important to me is goal 14, ocean conservation.  “Oceans contribute to poverty eradication by creating sustainable livelihoods and decent work. Over three billion people depend on marine and coastal resources for their livelihoods. In addition, oceans are crucial for global food security and human health. They are also the primary regulator of the global climate, an important sink for greenhouse gases and they provide us with water and the oxygen we breathe. Finally, oceans host huge reservoirs of biodiversity” (Nations, 2017).  As you can see, there is a lot at risk if we do not protect our oceans.  In 1989, there was a massive oil spill in Prince William Sound, Alaska that killed hundreds of thousands of animals that inhabit those waters.  This was not the only impact that this caused, several companies that rely on the marine population in that area also suffered economic loss.  Not only does the ocean provide all above mentioned but it also makes up 97% of the earths water.  With the amount of waste that ends up in the ocean and risk of accidental pollution, it is important that we make an effort to protect it for the longevity of all that depends on a clean, sustainable ecosystem.  

                       I feel as though Appreciative Inquiry has already begun in the community around me.  Living in Madison, WI, we are a very green community and the environment is an important topic just about anywhere you go.  The University of Wisconsin has an Office of Sustainability that “strives to be a living model for sustainability by exemplifying values and actions that demonstrate our commitment to stewardship of resources, respect for place, and the health and well-being of the broader community, now and for the future.” (Wisconsin, 2017)  I can further integrate Appreciative Inquiry into my life by being more involved in the programs that my community already offers.  In turn, I will set a positive example for my kids, so they understand the importance of community development and will become good stewards for our environment.        

           Although these causes are important to me, they are not my primary focus.  The causes that I am passionate about and would identify myself with revolve around teaching and development.  Specifically, by inspiring our youth into becoming leaders within their communities, we can reach towards a more sustainable world.  We, as society, have done a great job at teaching our children the knowledge they need to be functional members of society but we lack in the ability to teach leadership skills.  In being a parent and coach, I have seen this knowledge gap first hand and have harnessed my attention in a very different way.  Giving children the autonomy to make decisions and learn from the consequences of their actions will go far beyond anything they will read in a book or online.  I am all for love and support of young minds, but I believe tough love is something that a lot of people shy away from.  In helping children with decision making skills, we are enabling our children to use their creative minds to change the world, one young leader at a time.    

           Through the reflections I have learned in this course, there are two Benedictine Hallmarks that really hit home for me.  The first one that I will expand upon is the Hallmark of Stability. Stability is currently the most important in my life because it is the one that I constantly need to practice and be mindful of.  As mentioned before in my writing, I believe that Dr. Elizabeth Kubek sums it up quite beautifully by saying, “There is room for stability within change” (Benedictine, 2019). This defines my life at this current time in the many things that I have going on during any given day.  I work in an ever-changing environment, have three growing boys, am currently going back to school, and have a wife who needs time with me as well.  Some people call it stability but I refer to it as organized chaos.  Due to my career, my family has relocated three times in the last six years with the most recent moves only being two years apart.  It is clear to see how all of this constant change could impact ones pursuit of stability but, I thrive in this type environment.  It has brought my family closer together because we depend on each other more, it has made me appreciate my wife more because of all of the slack she picks up for me at home, and it makes the time I spend with my children more meaningful. I believe my family is my stability and they serve as my reminder that our lives will not always be chaotic, but through balance, it will always be meaningful.

           The second Benedictine Hallmark that has always been an important part of my life is the value of discipline.  I truly believe that, “Discipline is a way of focusing energy and attention on what matters” (Benedictine, 2019).  People often ask me how I balance all of the things that I have going on in my life and my answer simply put is discipline. Being able to “sacrifice short-term benefits for long-term goals” is important to me (Benedictine, 2019).  If I could go back in time and finish school before entering the workforce, I probably would have taken things a lot more serious.  I would probably have more time to spend with my family and maybe even more money to create experiences for us.  I think it is easy for us to think of the what-ifs but for right now, I just enjoy being grateful for what I have been blessed with.  I hope that someday, when my children are older, they can look back at how hard I have worked and the sacrifices I have made and be proud of what I have done.  At times when I think, “I should just take the easy way out” I remember who is looking up at me as an example and that is where my discipline kicks in.  Holding myself accountable and reminding myself that this is a temporary sacrifice for a long term gain, that is discipline to me.

           Being raised in a Christian household, I have carried over some spiritual practices as I have creating my own home.  The one that stands out to me is the practice of prayer.  My family prays at meal time, times of thanks and need, and I pray with my kids in the morning before we all leave for the day. I feel as though this brings us close together and closer to God.  One spiritual practice that I have recently starting using more is the practice of reflection or meditation.  I believe it is important to “stop, look, go” throughout the day to be reminded of all the things that I have to be grateful for as Benedictine Monk David Steindl-Rast reminded us in his TED Talks “Want to be Happy? Be Grateful” (Steindl-Rast, 2013). Through starting this practice, it has done two things for me. The first is giving me a small break in between completing tasks throughout my day. Normally, I would complete one task and immediately move to the next without a second to think.  In practicing this method of reflection, even though brief, it has helped me recollect my thoughts before moving to my next task and in turn has actually made me more productive because I am resetting before I move on. The second benefit is the ability to find something to be thankful for, no matter how small or sometimes obsolete. Looking down and being thankful for the ability to walk, closing my eyes and being thankful for the ability to see, or even stepping outside for a second just to be happy that it is finally sunny have all been realizations that I have had during my reflection time. I found it hard to believe at first but if you want to truly be happy, find a reason to be grateful.

           I can group the people in my micro system into two categories at this time in my life and they each serve a very important role in my success. The first and more important is my immediate family. My wife, children, and parents are an unbelievable important support system for me as they act as my stability. They encourage me when I need it the most, love me unconditionally, and pick me up when I am down and for that, I am grateful.  The second group are those who are not related to me but choose to be an active part of my life and those people are my friends or as I call them, my brothers. I have a few friends that I know if I just need someone to call and vent to, they will always answer.  They check in on me if they have not heard from me in a few days and always know how to make me laugh or see the silver lining in tough situations.  Whenever we spend time together, it is like nothing has ever changed and we pick up right where we left off last time.

           When I pass on from this world, I would like to think that these people will continue to celebrate the love and loyalty that I have shown to them as well. I want my legacy to be built on memories that I have made and not necessarily the things that I have provided. I want people to use words like loyal, fun-loving, caring, compassionate, leader, and always willing to help when they speak my name.  I want to leave a piece of me with my children when I my time comes in the sense that I want them to carry on those same characteristics that I have shown them in my time with them.  More than anything, I wish that when I pass it is a joyous celebration rather than a day of sadness. Anyone who knows me understands that I enjoy laughter and joy and do not like to see people sad or down for any reason, especially if I am the cause.  My biggest fear in death is to not having anything to show for the life on this earth and I don’t mean that in a monetary sense but as a term of the love that I have spread.  I have always been told to leave a place better than you found it and my goal is to do that with those people who I have been lucky enough to call them my family.

           At work, I have strived hard to get to the position that I am currently in. I lead a fairly large sales team that has had some consistent success and have really made a name for myself as a respected leader in a great organization.  I am quite content with the identity that I have formed for myself at my organization but I always know there is room for growth.  If I could change anything about the way that I am perceived, it would be that it has not always been easy for me.  I have worked hard to get where I am at and have never had anything handed to me.  I believe that people see or meet me and because of my performance they may think that I have it easy and that is the farthest from the truth.  One characteristic of a great leader is the ability to go through tribulations and not have it affect the performance of those they lead.  That is a learned skill that is only mastered through experience and failures.  This is a big part of my emotional intelligence that I have worked on towards the better part of a decade and have often had to learn the hard way.  I always tell people that it is ok to make a mistake because at least you made a decision and when you stop making decisions, you stop growing.  I have had the fortune to work for great leaders who allowed me the autonomy to make my own mistakes and were there for me if I needed to be picked back up.  I have chosen to be the same way with those that I lead because I believe it is the only true way for people to learn through experience.

           The one true social cause that I am passionate about is helping children learn values such as work ethic, respect, and discipline.  As a society we have allowed media to raise our children and I have yet to see my kids learn old fashioned values from a YouTube channel. I firmly believe that there is a necessity for technology in our society but I don’t agree that we should use it as a babysitter when we don’t want to deal with our children.  Walk into any restaurant or grocery store and count how many children are sitting there glued with mom or dad’s phone to their face. Having grown up playing sports, these values were reiterated to me on the field as they were at home.  With my experience as a football and baseball coach, I have learned that for some kids out there, this is the first time that they are learning about these values.  If I can help a child be more successful at athletics and in turn, they learn more about work ethic and respect, then I consider that a win in my book.  

           My personal mission statement can be summed up into the values that my father taught me as a child and has almost become a family trademark.  My father spent twenty five years in the United States Marine Corps and retired as a Maser Gunnery Sergeant which is the highest enlisted rank that someone can get.  I know these values come from his time in the Corps but he used them as a man who came from nothing, to raise three very self-sufficient and successful children.  The values that he taught, which is also my mission statement revolve around loyalty, honor, and respect.

           Loyalty is important because it involves trust and constant support to one another.  It is hard to find true loyalty in people and I am blessed to have several devoted people in my life.  Being loyal to God is something that I often heard growing up that really resonates with me to this day.  Having unwavering faithfulness to another human being is the ultimate sign of love and isn’t freely given.

           Honor, by definition is “adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct” (Google, 2019). This would holds synonyms like integrity, righteousness, and principle. Finding honor is who you are and what you stand for is something that I hold near.  Standing up for what is right and just, no matter how you appear to others, shows your true character.  If I can lead a life of honor and people see that as an impact, then maybe more people will too stand up for a just cause.

           Respect is by far the most important of these values to me because I believe this is the greatest thing lacking in today’s world. The idea of living a respectful life is mimicked in the video “Why the Only Future Worth Building Includes Everyone” by His Holiness Pope Francis when he speaks of how our interconnectedness is more important than ever.  If there is one thing that I would like to remind everyone of that we learn as a child, it is the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do to you.”  

        Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/anguianoj

Works Cited

Benedictine. (2019). Benedictine Hallmarks. Retrieved 3 13, 2019, from www.ben.edu: http://www.ben.edu/center-for-mission-and-identity/resources/hallmarks.cfm

Benedictine University. (n.d.). Center for Mission and Identity. Retrieved from    https://www.ben.edu/center-for-mission-and-identity/resources/rule-of-st-   benedict.cfm#ch31

Benedictine University. (n.d.). Center for Mission and Identity-Benedictine Hallmarks. Retrieved  from http://www.ben.edu/center-for-mission-and-identity/resources/hallmarks.cfm

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[mckinleydivided-blog]

We had two amazing auditions for Elliott but sadly only one can be chosen: congratulations James, you have been accepted to play The [ Leading ] Outcast, Elliott Gilbert. Please check the new member checklist and send us your account within 24 hours.

OOC:

Name: James. Preferred Pronouns: He/him. Trigger: None. Age: 24. Timezone: EST. Activity Level: 7-10. I’m in college so my activity may falter around the times I have a paper due. Experience: Removed for privacy. Anything Else?: If possible, I would like it if Elliott could be 18 years old instead and a senior.

IC: 

Character Name: Elliott Gilbert. Social status: The Leading Outcast. Character Quote: “I’m too weird to live, too rare to die.” Faceclaim:  Date of birth/Age: January 29th/18. School year: Senior. Extracurricular: LGBT+Alliance and football. Character Sexuality: Homosexual. Ships: Elliott/chemistry. Elliott/males. Anti-ships: Elliott/no chemistry. Elliott/females. Elliott/forced.

CHARACTER BIOGRAPHY: 

Mothers were outraged the day that Elliott Gilbert threw his first punch. With a tender little fist and a bleeding mouth, he held himself tall despite the tears that threatened to fall. At six years old, Elliott had a view of the world unlike any other. With photographer Ava Gilbert , best known for her ‘underground’ work and her borderline activist views, and rock band Heathens frontman, Elias Gilbert, as parents, he was bound to be viewed as eccentric.  

They instilled in him true values and even from that young of an age, Elliott knew the difference between right and wrong. He understood, in a way that many others are unable to, that no one person is better than another. Which is how he ended up with a fist in the air, an ache in his jaw, and a grateful kid sporting an unwarranted black eye as his bully scurried away to his mother. It was unconventional, of course, to use his fist rather than his words, as adults had once told him, but the moment he spotted a child younger than he being pushed around he had to act fast. And words? Well, they were just that. Words that he didn’t quite know how to use to talk his way out of a situation that involved a big kid acting tough and wanting to fight.

He walked away from that encounter marked as a delinquent but filled with joy at his father’s pride and his mother’s smile, even if she tried to hide it behind a light scolding.

That day was just the beginning.

You see, Elliott never had a chance at being normal and, with that one punch, he discovered that he didn’t want to be. He wanted to be extraordinary. He wanted to be the type of person that his parents could be proud of. The type of person who he, himself, could be proud to be. So he approached everything with the same amount of vigor and ardor as he did that fight. He threw himself into it all head first and his enthusiasm was palpable. His parents could see it in the pictures he took after discovering his mother’s old camera, in the strokes of his paintbrush on a canvas, and it could be heard in the encouraging speeches he gave to uplift his peers when they were feeling low. None of it, though, quite compared to the passion with which he came to approach music.

Elliott’s love for music was strong. It was in his blood, felt as much a part of him as his own arm. The feeling only solidified as he watched his father play and knew that, one day, he would be the one on stage. The instant that his parents discovered his fervor they stepped up to feed his passion. It was his mother who first placed him in front of a piano and his father put him behind a set of drums. He displayed a great skill for both but his talents proved to lay elsewhere because holding a guitar? That felt like the most natural thing in the world and his voice was a God-given gift if his father was to be believed. It would be this, his music, that would get him through the rough moments in his life.

Middle school was more of a challenge than he anticipated. Suddenly those around him were becoming consumed by the idea of a social hierarchy and, unfortunately, many of his friends lay at the very bottom. That didn’t sit well with him. He, on the other hand, found himself with a decision to make. With his charisma and likability, it was really no surprise when he was given the option of being one of the ‘popular’ kids. All it would have taken was a little more effort and dissociation from many of his friends. In the end, it wasn’t a difficult one to make but it was one that would change the course of his life. As it turns out, he valued his soul and morals more than he wanted an easy life. That didn’t sit well with those particular social butterflies that had extended him a hand. Therefore, they sought out to make his life miserable. As much as he wished he could have ignored it, there was something about others proclaiming themselves as superior that never failed to get under his skin, much like how the bully of his youth was able to when he was unable to identify why it bothered him so.

Elliott’s disinterest in conforming made him an enemy. His inability to stand back and take the abuse made him a miscreant. He persevered, though, and inspired others to do the same, to step up and fight for what was right. He made it known that he celebrated the differences between them all and refused to ever consider himself as wrong or unworthy. He wanted everyone to embrace themselves and others. He may not have been the most popular, but he was happy and content with the person he was becoming.

Although middle school prepared him for what would come, high school was still puzzling with its divide and the strange concept that everyone must carry a label. He, along with a small group of friends, rebelled against this. He was Elliott Gilbert, not a leader or a hoodlum simply because of his inability to let the underdog go unspoken for. He was not the slacker that others chose to believe him to be because he cared more for his music than actual education. An education that came quite easily, so much so that he excelled in every class he took. But no matter how much he tried to protest, his label remained. Now he’s decided to accept whatever they have chosen to call him. There are bigger things to fight for and more important things to strive for. Such as his budding career as a musician. He just needs to find a way to get through school without causing too much of a ruckus or getting sucked into the pettiness that is the divide.

PARA SAMPLE

Removed for privacy.