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#and now i cry myself to sleep at night
smedenn · 2 months
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ME JUST REALIZING THAT "stols" IS CANON!??!?!?!? WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS FANON/ A HEADCANON THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!?!?
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THROWING UP, SOBBING, SLIDING DOWN A WALL, SCREAMING, KICKING MY FEET AND GIGGLING
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marielism · 1 month
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doodled them 10 minutes before my final exam in field methods class…
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faustiandevil · 20 days
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There is no greater personal Hell of your own making then getting obsessed with some dead actor and not being able to watch their entire filmography.
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deoidesign · 1 month
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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dogboner · 2 months
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personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"
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slutdge · 5 months
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Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.
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tomfrogisblue · 7 months
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I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.
I have cried more than I thought possible.
And I fear I shall never be the same.
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laurenkmyers · 4 months
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i got up at 5am for the love sea pilot and i don't regret a single goddamn thing
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Trigun Bookclub: Trigun Vol.1-2, Chapter #09
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I’m doing a deep-read of the Japanese original print (reread) and Overhaul 1.0 (first read) side-by-side, and writing down everything I notice from small details, version differences, translation differences, etc.
The volume numbers will be mismatched for most of the remainder of Trigun, since the Japanese first edition is 3 volumes while all later versions are 2 volumes.
As always, here are the non-analysis panels:
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And the rest is under the cut.
[link for if the images aren’t in horizontal rows]
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To start off, we have Meryl talking about buying designer handbags. This part was very confusing in Japanese because even though I could recognize Prada, the two other brands she named were completely bogus to me. What the hell are エピピ(Epipi) and NCM!?
So I asked my mom about it last night (she knows a decent amount about brands popular in the 90's, since she was still living in Japan back then). She was also stumped for a bit, but after a while she asked to see the way "Prada" looked. She noticed that it was written like プラーダ(purāda) rather than the correct プラダ(purada). I didn't notice because I don't know shit about fashion... but she suggested that maybe all of these were slight variations on real-life brands. She said that NCM is probably based on MCM Worldwide.
Epipi probably took a solid 20 minutes to figure out.... We were naming every brand on earth searching for anything that could even vaguely sound like "epipi." Right when we nearly ran out of ideas, she thought of googling just part of the name, like "epi brand," and voila, apparently there's a line of Louis Vuitton leather called Epi.
Epipi (and brain soup) is an inside joke between us now btw.
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The chapter cover!! Everyone here is so damn cute... also I'm sitting almost exactly how Vash is right now.
This is the second appearance of Vash's shades. I can't see the details, but the design looks the same as the one before.
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I'd completely forgotten how tiny Kaito is??? Literally half of Vash's height.
Vash's response to Kaito's insult(?) is「お前そりゃないだろ…」and is something more like "C'mon, man..." or "Seriously?"
big eyes vash big eyes vash i want to scoop him up and put him in a jar with holes in the lid
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It's so cool how Vash immediately understands exactly what's going on through what he's overhearing, thanks to his childhood on the spaceship and his time at Home. How can this man not drive
I think the engineer is talking about the Plant here, so it should be "The shock could kill it." (although the Plant dying would also kill everyone else. ykwim)
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Didn't know that guy was called a helmsman.... In Japanese, the word for helmsman, 操舵手 (the scan is super blurry and looked like 士 but the correct word is 手) was written as ライツ(raitsu) with 操舵手 written in the ruby. Maybe raitsu was the name of the helmsman? Or it might be something else boat-related that I don't know about.
Vash's silent reaction to Kaito's words say a lot. This behavior is nearly identical to Vash's (again, more so in Maximum, after Vash remembers the events of July and gets even more depressed). He understands Kaito's pain and guilt, and worries for him, but he also can't help but see himself in the boy... however he feels about that. This gets a bit more into theory territory, but I think Vash doesn't want Kaito to turn out like himself. Of course, he wants everyone to strive for peace; he wants people to be like that part of himself, in that regard. However, he doesn't want people to act self-destructive like he is. One obvious reason is that Vash genuinely doesn't want Kaito to be hurt, especially when he believes that people always deserve to start over and live a happy life.... But another underlying reason could be that he doesn't like percieving parts of himself in others, out of self-hatred.
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One of my favorite lines ever!!!!! (has 50 favorites)(its not my fault trigun/trimax is so constantly banger) While humans views the Plant as a tool and an incomprehensible being, Vash simply views them as just a girl that needs calming down—"people" just like him and everyone else. He has a familial relationship with every Plant, which I absolutely adore. And!!! I will expand on this bit in the next(I think) arc and beyond, or maybe even make a separate post!!! I have so many thoughts surrounding this and it's a core theme to Trigun as a whole.
Noting some SFX since some non-Japanese readers may not have noticed - the plant is making a high-pitched scream from here on. Also, Kaito says that it's a "voice," not a "sound."
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More Plant object-person dichotomy!! This unfortunately gets lost in translation, but it's a very neat storytelling trick. In Japanese, This is written in an interesting way:「プラント―― それは『造りだす』もの」 with もの(mono) having dots above them (in this context acting like italicization for emphasis in English). Usually, this もの would be more specific. There's 物(mono) which means "object" or "thing," and there's 者(mono) which means "person" or sometimes "being." The narrator intentionally leaves the identity of the Plant vague. Again, in humans' eyes, Plants are machines of production. In Vash's eyes, Plants are full-fledged people.
I would write that line closer to the original format, with quotes around "creates" and leaving it at that.
A longer translation correction—just going to transcribe it here:
水 紫外線 酸素 そして微電力を与える事によって物理法則を超えた『生産』活動を行う生体システムである They are organic systems that, when fed water, ultraviolet light, oxygen, and a bit of electricity, can "produce" things in a process that surpasses all physical law.
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The sound effect here is loud footsteps on metal. I think it's neat that Nightow showed Vash running up the stairs with just onomatopoea and a shot of the stairs.
In Japanese, Vash says that he's counting on/leaving the rest up to the engineers/the others on the ship, after telling them to deal with it.
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Again, Vash considers the Plant his family, a sister. He is talking directly to them and treating them with respect. The word used here is actually 兄弟(kyoudai), which means "brother(s)"/olderbrother-youngerbrother, where in this situation with a brother and sister of unspecified age/order it would usually just be きょうだい(kyoudai, spelled out)... it may be that back then, people didn't really specify or mix-and-match sibling gender (姉弟 兄妹 etc) in writing as much as we do now.
The first appearance of feathers on Vash!! During my first read, I was absolutely mesmerized by this page. Mannnnnnn the angel imagery....
Also bonus reaction from my dear friend from my Instagram liveposting back in April (yeah. my first read was only a bit over 2 months ago). booty CRACK
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This is the "beeeeeeep" sound of a flatlining heart monitor. Until now I thought it was more of an imaginary thing to show that their hearts have stopped, but I just realized that it may also be a real sound of the Plant's vital monitors. Could be either, to be honest.
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Apparently "yards" are normal? In Japanese it's written as ヤーズ(yādzu, yards) instead of what would regularly be just ヤード(yādo, yard), so that may be the subtle miles-iles change?
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This line would be "The pipes are stuck! They won't even budge!"
And the SFX here is a distant chattering and cheering crowd.
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And here is the last scene, with Kaito humming Rem's favorite song. Idk, this just gives me a raw emotional reaction... I can't really analyze it lol. Rejoicing that you've survived through hardship. That while things still aren't perfect, this imminent danger has passed. That you still get to enjoy being alive. The same song of humanity still sang. Something something....
Anyways that’s it for Chapter #09! As always, the Japanese annotations are in the reblogs.
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justablah56 · 1 year
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damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3
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mymelodyisme · 30 days
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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dottores · 1 year
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the past few days have been wonderful 😍
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hella1975 · 1 year
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there may be an influx of ethel cain mutuals atm and im even willing to share the podium but i will ALWAYS be the strangers mutual. stay humble
#BUT GOD IS TELLING YOU AND I THAT THERE IS DEATH FOR ALL OF US#IN YOUR BASEMENT I GROW COLD THINKING BACK TO IT I WAS ALWAYS TOLD DONT TALK TO STRANGERS OR YOU MIGHT FALL IN LOVE#FREEZER BRIDE YOUR SWEET DIVINE YOU DEVOUR LIKE SMOKED BOVINE HIDE HOW FUNNY I NEVER CONSIDERED MYSELF TOUGH#YOURE SO HANDSOME WALKING OVER TO ME NOW I TRIED TO BE GOOD AM I NO GOOD AM I NO GOOD AM I NO GOOD#WITH MY MEMORY RESTRICYED TO A POLAROID IN EVIDENCE I JUST WANTED TO BE YOURS CAN I BE YOURS CAN I BE YOURS JUST TELL ME IM YOURS#IF IM TURNING IN UOUR STOMACH AND IM MAKING YOU GEEL SICK#WHEN MY MOTHER SEES ME ON YHE SIDE OF A MILK CARTON IN WINN-DIXIE’S DAIRY ISLE SHE’LL CRY AND WAIT UP FOR ME#WE’LL MAKE LOVE IN YOUR ATTIC ALL NIGHT EUPHORIC IN SOME STRANGE DELIGHT IM HAPPIER HERE CAUSE HE TOLD ME I SHOULD BE OH#YOUR SO HANDSOME WHEN IM ALL OVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN IM ALL OVER YOUR MOUTH WHEN KM ALL OVER YOU MOUTH I TRIED FO BE GOOD#AM I NO GOOD AM I NO GOOD AM I NO GOOD WITH MY MEMORY RESTRICTED TO A POLAROID IN EVIDENCE#I JUST WANTED TO BE YOURS CAN I BE YOURS CAN I BE YOURS CAN I BE YOURS IFNIM TURNING IN YOUR STOMACH AND IM MAKING YOU FEEL SICK#AM I MAKING YOU FEEL SICK??????? AM I MAKING YOU FEEL SICK??#AAAAAAHSHSHAGAFFGQGQUUAHABSBSNJASHDJCNCJSKAIAJABBSBDBNDJEJAMQLWOOSKZNANBABDHIAJQBBANAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#FOUND YOU JUST TO TELL YOU THAT I MADE IT REAL FAR AND THAT I NEVER BLAMED YOU FOR LOVING ME THE WAY THAT YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE TORN APART#I WOULD STILL WAIT WITH YOU THERE DONT THINK ABOUT JT TOO HARD OR YOULL NEVER SLEEP A WINK AT NIGHT AGAIN#DONT WORRY ABOUT ME AND THESE GREEN EYES MAMA JUST KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU I DO AND ILL SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HERE#ethel cain
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moony4pads · 2 months
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*voice of a girl that zonned out 2 hours ago and does not now what is going on*: I Sleept 0 hours last night and is totally functioning
#i have been cursed by the insomina gods#yesterday i rejoyenced realising i regularly was gotton 7-8 hours of sleep in the nights of the holiday period#and overall my insomina has been looking up recently#like im talking up to 6 hours on a school night sometimes! (yes sometimes sschool starts at 11 but i still hav to lissen so is still school)#so the gods cursed me for being a celebratory duck and made me get 0 hours of sleep#no ajustment period to return to my insomiac fays to get used to the feeling of heavy eyelids like brics i cant hold open#this was w no changed to my routine btwwww en no extra stress specifically on that day i had not before had#so yeah fate was basicly like now that you have engnolged that ur improving i have to put you back to squere 1#like a smakes and ladders board game but with numbers on the blokths#*SQUARES that js the word#how is it that this time last year i was regularly dealing w this shit and going through a functioning day like this#cant be me now#i have been spoiled by the sleep god and now i no longer now how to work on 0 hours of sleep an unmedicated brain and a crushing headache#(and it used to be that the days were i did get sleep i only got ever like 3-5 hours never any of this 7 hour shit i had saved up yet i#surviveded) i am no longer surviving succesfuly#my brain is too priocrepied trying to kwep my eyes open it cant think properly#there was a market today but i dint have the energy to go wich is a shame#also i am litterlay buried in dealdimes that i couldnt motivate myself to work on before i insominaed again so idk what ill do now#cry mabey but i am not feeling tears it is the buring jeeping my eyes open and they are not tears they are the regret of 3am me#insominac#insomnia#adhd#sleep#fail at life if lige is sleep and it is sleep in actuality#NO SLEEP BITCH LIKE COULD YOU NOT GAVE AT LEADT GIVEN ME 1 OR 2 HOURS JUST FOR FUNSIESES
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coochiekrab · 9 months
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Im glad box spring mattresses seem to be on their way out in favor of memory foam bc I remember my boxspring was only 5 years old when the springs started crapping out and every night i would end up sleeping in a Hole in the center of my bed that was significantly deep enough for my back to hurt immensely for years
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immamapletreekid · 2 months
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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