#and now i am anxious out of my mind
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I just sent a text to my friend who I havent heard from in a long time and have been very worried about and I'm feeling very . about it
#our whole thing of communication has been that we both appreciate no pressure to reply so we take as much time as possible#but something kinda happened with her back after the last time i heard from her in june#and i havent recieved a response to any of my periodic texts#so ive been really anxious abiut them bc idk if shes okay#so i just texted them and then added on asking if she can let me know shes still alive#and i feel very bad about it. i dknt like expecting or asking for responses from anyone because I know how exhausting communication can be#but ive been going back and forth abiut doing this since halloween and in a moment of feeling joyed because i did well on my final exam#i finally sent a text asking#and now i am anxious out of my mind#i hope it turns out okay#i hope theyre alright#even if she never wants to talk ti me again. i just wanna know theyre alright#personal#i should probably start tagging this stuff as that so people can filter it out hfjfh#im sorry i havent been tagging personal stuff in the past#im gonna try and remember to now#*as much time as we need not as much as possible#i dont know if i made more errors or not i cant think
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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RealAgeAU - Reunion
Fun fact. I was planning on going through these drabbles to see where I still had a bit of a blank spot timeline and story wise. and I did NOT get far.
Because I realised. I never made a tiny drabble about how I pictured the guys reuniting to go back to Nightmare!
So. That is this! (also yes i am hinting at bad sans poly but we will see where that all ends)
First and Prev Drabble (with the original prompt by @spotaus ) Next Drabble
*-----------------*
Cross frowns as the knife once again can't cut through the universe.
This... is an issue.
Cross had managed to get close but for some reason the knife could not connect with Nightmare's universe and castle.
Had... had Nightmare banned him?
Cross hopes not. He knows he had been stupid for running away but he had just! He needed! He had just needed a moment for himself!
Cross tries to take a deep breath and relax. It is fine! Think! Think there is probably another reason!
NIghtmare had been shrinking and losing his form... maybe he is just tired and resting and that affects the universe he is in? Maybe?
Cross wishes Dust was here, Dust knows so much more about magic stuff than he does. Sadly Cross was an idiot and just went out on his own without saying goodbye.
He looks at his phone and opens the message screen again. He clicks Dust's contact and considers typing a message.
Just a quick one to ask for help getting back?
He sighs and puts the phone away. No. This is his mess up and he can fix it himself! He didn't need them or Nightmare to fix his messes!
Again...
Cross shakes his skull and looks to the notes in his phone. He finds the right one. It is a small list of items that should help connect him to Nightmare's universe.
When he first started working for Nightmare the god had told him that the castle and the universe it is in can be hard to find or connect to because of his magic. The items would help the magic in his knife, or the teleportation crystals, locate it and focus on it.
Cross pulls out the list and reads it again.
seven candles, unscented
autumn leaves
a very sweet apple
a dreamcatcher
a way to light a magical fire
be in an universe as close as possible
Cross checks his list and bag and groans. He had only managed to get the apple and the leaves so far. this stupid universe only had a few very small and old towns and it is honestly getting on his nerves!
Cross had just been nervous about leaving this universe. He didn't know this one and just because he managed to jump to it didn't mean he would be able to do it again.
The phones had an extra feature to make it known to them if they were near the castle. it had lit up at this spot after quite a few universes that didn't do it.
Meaning he was not leaving it!
Agh. he could ask if Horror is having more luck and-
WAIT!
Cross looks back over his shoulder and sees Horror walk past.
Cross doesnt think and rushes after the large skeleton "Horror! wait up!"
horror blinks and looks over "Oreo?"
Cross pulls a face at the nickname but catches up to him "What are you doing here?"
Horror looks slightly sheepish as he rubs his neck "You know... regret... trying to get back..."
Cross frowns "Get back- wait... did you leave as well?!"
Horror frowns at him "As well?" then his sight finds Cross' bag and cross can see Horror take note of the items in there. Horror looks back at him with a frown "You can't make the jump either?"
Cross feels both better and worse. Maybe he isn't banned! Or at least he isn't alone in being banned! which just makes him feel like a jerk. He nods and groans "not having much luck with getting the things i need. only got the apple and the leaves..."
Horror blinks but gets a small half grin on his face which Cross thinks should be criminal with how goo- OKAY he is stopping that line of thought.
Horror calmly gets his phone and turns it to enable Cross to see the items in his inventory. a lot of foods and- oh! a sweet apple. and unscneted candles!
Horror keeps grinning "Seems like we are getting close."
Cross grins and nods as he walks with the taller skeleton "Any idea why we can't get in?"
Horror shrugs "multiple options. dunno which."
Cross nods as he looks down "Yeah i figured."
They walk and search together before a loud gasp and Cross is suddenly tackled form behind. Cross yelps as he loses his balance. The only reason he doens't fall over is because Hroror manages to catch both him and whichever idiot rushed into him.
"Criss-Cross! H!"
Ah. nevermind. Cross knows that idiot. Cross glares over his shoulder at the grinning Killer "Why would you tackle me?!"
Killer grins but the grin turns sharper then just friendly "Had to make sure you guys didn't up and leave again without a single fucking word Criss-Cross!"
Cross winces and looks to the side "Yeah... I guess..."
Horror looks guilty as well before looking at Killer "Why are you here? instead of at the castle?"
Now it is Killer's turn to look away and he shrugs "After all of you guys left I figured i would try it myself. the whole solo-rouge-vagabond dealio. I didn't like it. So I am going back ot Nightmare and see if he needs a right hand still...." more thoughtful "or maybe babysitter? If that whole shrinking thing kept up."
Yeah and that line causes more guilt than before. because they really just all left Nightmare alone to deal with whatever was affecting him. Instead of at least offering help as they should have as his henchman and teammates. Nope! instead they all just left!
Cross rubs his arm "Yeah... we are on our way back too... You got stuff for the ritual?"
Killer sighs "Only the lighter. But that is because i already had one."
Horror frowns at Killer "All of us? Dust too?"
Killer nods "Just walked away. not a word or grabbed anything as far as i know."
Cross covers his face "We are the worst. terrible people." thankless, untrustworthy, unloyal. Cross can think of quite a few more words to describe them.
"We knew that already."
Cross, and Killer for that matter, curses as he jumps back. Only to see Dust standing by them, hood up but face visible with his bored expression.
Killer is by now standing behind Horror and glares at Dust "Don't do that! My soul is already fragile!" the soul shaped floating soul wiggles but stays steady.
Dust raises a brow and looks unimpressed "Don't talk about others then."
Horror chuckles and smiles "Good to see you dust. join us?"
Dust nods "Can't make the jump. what are we mission still?"
Cross takes out the list and after comparing what they have they realise they are only mission the dremacatcher, which Dust pulls out of his pocket.
Cross gasps "Where did you find that? I checked every store!"
Dust shrugs "stole it."
... right. that is also an option.
They take the items outside of town and get it ready.
The dreamcatcher as base with the candles all around it. The leaves used to wrap the apple, the only use one and Horror eats the others as they work.
Killer holds up the lighter and after focusing for a moment flicks it. instead of the normal yellow flame a bright pink flame appears. Killer lights all the candles adn waits for a moment until the smoke circles one another. Last Killer lights the leaves enclosing the apple without disturbing the smoke trails.
The new smoke trail joins the other seven and the whole pile bursts into flames but no heat comes off it. the flame remains pink for a moment before turning purple and then turning black.
Killer grins and looks at Cross "cut away!"
Cross nods and cuts right above the flame and the universe shimmers. The smoke finds the small slice and fills it, moments later the flame and fire travels up towards the slide using the smoke and it opens a black portal, still smoking.
They rush through it and manage to get through it before the portal burns up.
Cross looks over his shoulder "And there shouldn't be anything left?"
Dsut shrugs "small pile of ash."
Killer grins "it burns up very quickly as soon as a portal is established."
Cross frowns as he looks around. they are in the late autumn forest around the castle. He can see the shadow of it in the distance. He starts walking and the other three join him.
Cross huffs "Still think it is a deceptively easy list..."
Killer shrugs "People don't expect there to be an easy way. Not like they will just test things until they hit jackpot." Then Killer grins wider "Not that anyone knows about Ngihtmare's sweet tooth. and no one knows about the apple, hell we don't even know it."
Cross nods as they walk through the forest. Cross can't help but feel like it feels... empty. Whcih is weird because Cross always knew there was nothing else in this universe or forest but them. but still it feels...different.
Horror seems to notice too as he glances around "feels weird..."
Dust nods immediantly "magic is different."
Cross nods as well "I noticed too..."
Whatever is going on it is big... because either it is affecting the universe, it is affecting nightmare enough that it affects the universe. or Nightmare is affected enough that he made these edits.
Hopefully they can clear all this up once they see Nightmare and apologise to him. The exit the forest and spot the castle in the distance.
Time to go talk wiht him.
*-----------------*
First and Prev Drabble Next Drabble
And as we all know, Nightmare wasn't there. woops. turns out that apology will have to wait a bit Cross.
And the tiniest bit of Bi-panic for Cross (I believe he canonly is Bi in like Xtale so he is still Bi here) ((And yes I am slightly hinting at BSP because I like them but They are kinda too busy to really focus on that in these drabbles but there some interest! but it can also be seen as pureply platonic with just some curious interest honestly *shrug* It is june after all!))
#utmv#realageau#bad sanses#Cross Sans#horror Sans#Dust Sans#Killer Sans#Deaged Nightmare mentioned#Can't believe i wrote a drabble without the baby in it#it is criminal#Also i can't believe i was planning on going by the drabbles for a spot#And i found it after the FIRST ONE#What is this comedic timing?#I really like Cross#he is an anxious bean who is just really trying his best#He deserves the world!#or three boyfriends. Cross has a preference but he will die before admitting it out loud#Someone: How do you deal wiht a crush?#cross: oh easy! I never say a word and when they eventually get ina relationship i cry :)#someone: ... what about confessing?#cross: oh no! That is terrible! So much could go wrong!#someone: what is the worst that could happen?#Cross: they could HEAR me.#Silliness aside. Do any of you mind the hints of Bad Sans Poly between those four in there? I think it is cute but like#Want to know what people think. Gonna be real if you still like it without saying anything i am going to assume you guys are fine with it#anyway that is the update for now! Now to continue my search for spots to fill in the drabbles more
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Look, I just think it's VERY funny and on brand that I thought of an entire premise of colorful characters for half the cast and immediately drew the only one void of color.
#my characters#i will not bore you all too much in the main post but now its story time in the tags so yeefuckinghaw#noll is a fae and is distinctly the only one that just lacks colors#at first he was like well surely i can wear colorful stuff to make up for my dark hair and eyes !#and then he overhears some of the fae talking about how hes a blemish to the fae and hes like well fuck#guess its time to go all in baby! and decks himself out in all black and jagged clothing#and he tries to play it off as hes an idiot and a lot of the fae actually believe its not ALL an act#like they can tell he thinks about stuff but he normally does it staring into space so they dont care to ask#cause surely it isnt important enough to brood about hes just thinking about stuff#and he really REALLY has a lot of confidence issues and worries that more fae are disturbed by his darkness than let on#but then the other fae that like to hang out with him are like#YOOOOOO THATS OUR LIL VOID! THATS OUR LIL GUY! our lil black spot look at him hes so edgy and cute!#and treat him like a pet cat at times giving him head pats even if he bats their hands away#and the plot premise is that some of the fae are bored and decide they should go play with some humans! give THEM enrichment too!#and noll gets roped into it and The Game is basically go find a human partner and convince them to be an ally#then the fae give the humans cool lil toys (weapons) and are like GO FORTH MY CHAMPION!#so noll keeps like ... not picking anyone to participate because its not just A Game to him#if he can prove victorious in A Game with outside factors such as humans then he can prove hes not#an absolute disappointment to the fae like he has a lot riding on this in his mind#and his friends are just like buddy you cant even play if you dont pick a human you gotta#anyway here is noll and then i have ideas for two other fae and also a veeeery vague idea for two of the humans though not as sure yet#rae if you read all this you should know the cobalt is a fae thanks bye#i am so stressed posting ocs every single time and i am incredibly depressed and anxious#so good lord please let me not just delete all the tags in an hour bc im ashamed
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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I discovered just how brainrotted I am today with one simple trick! This same whiplash-inducing scenario has repeated about a dozen times now:
#no just kidding criticism is good and i love getting it i am just continuously reminded of it and it makes me...#hard to describe. it makes my body go “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and its both a very anxious feeling and a giddy happy feeling#but it makes me feel like i could take flight just about now#never quite realised how much i think about. characters. before now because my mind goes back to that same thing#then again i am full of nervous energy in general these days... i am making a thing and it makes me very happy#ahh codddd anyway. anyway. im glad im getting out of my comfort zone. i dont want to be hanging out there forever#i dont want to live a life where i only wistfully wonder what people may say or think about things i put my creative passion into#i want to create and i want to share and i want to make something the best it could be! the absolute best version of it#i dont want to be so flight-y and secretive forever thats no fun >:O#my art#not fish
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It's so weird to think that the US is currently 5-8 hours behind me instead of the 12-15 hours that I'm used to
#for the next month anyway#I had to leave the room yesterday when we visited an aunt and uncle. the anger I felt at how easy the Boomers had it#people with houses with gardens that are almost right beside a beautiful river. who happily retired and stayed married for almost 40 years#so I just went to the guest bedroom..slumped on the bed and ugh. the mutism from how anxious I am about how the rest of my life's gonna go#I'm so conflicted coz. am I lucky to even be here visiting now? ofc. but the way my mind checks out when I don't feel a part of anything#we're watching the Wimbledon men's finals on the TV rn#I'm here because who knows when I'll get *it* again and miss out on seeing people ever again#it's bad enough that I've missed enough boats in life so obvs I still gotta catch the ones that are still within reach. from this low place#loz says stuff
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I got a job as a bookseller!!!
#nat talks#listen. it's not the dream bc I've already worked in a bookstore and it's actually terrible at times#but I only really worked during holidays and people were just so rude#BUT I do have higher hopes for this location#also I tentatively know two people who work there so it will be fun!#it's a sub role and a little unclear if I'll only work during christmas and the book sale in feb or more#it depends on if the people who are on sick leave will return and when#but I can keep freelancing and apply for corporate jobs I want in the meantime#at the very least I can work during december either way and if I end up finding something else maybe I can work weekends during the booksal#so to not let them down too much#I honestly am just looking forward to getting out of the house and meeting people and working with my body more#because my mind is very fried#I have a short shift tomorrow to train#then I'll see when I'll officially start but it will probably be soon!#I've had a very busy few days so I wish I had said I could do my training shift next week#bc they gave the option of this wednesday or next#but I didn't want to turn it into a “thing” by letting too much time pass bc I might get anxious about it#but now I wish I had lmao I'm tired#also forgot I was gonna be home alone with the dog tomorrow#had been looking forward to it tbh#oh wellll#work stuff
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it's good news thank god 😭😭😭
#iui tag#last time this was the first indication that things weren't going right#because it was only a 30% increase and it needed to be 60-100% for her to think everything was normal#but this time my levels went up by 216% 😭😭😭#i am weeping in a study room#maybe it's all going to be okay#my ultrasound is next thurs (week and a half)#i am going to try SO hard to stay in the headspace of joy during this brief window where i have no medical encounters#she mentioned that if i am feeling really anxious about the utlrasound i can have one more blood draw done in the meantime#and i think i will try to be chill but will keep that in reserve if i really need confirmation that things are going ok#but JOY JOY JOY#anyway in other news i think i might have a bit of light pregnancy loss trauma 🫠#the degree to which i was out of my fucking mind all weekend and all day today was just uh#it was a lot#i was so sick with adrenaline i was shaking on the drive to work#but okay#just gonna#focus on the joy of right now
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Hello darkness my old friend (literally)
#power just went out like 30 minutes ago#hurricane milton#I'm too anxious to go to sleep#I should've gone to bed earlier so I could've slept through this#but instead I'm a dumbass awake at 1 am in a hurricane#it's pitch black in here. the only light is coming from my phone.#I don't think the hurricane is strong enough to like. destroy the house. but. um. very scared.#my first hurricane lol#I lived in the Rockies for most of my life far from any beaches#but of course my family has to move to Florida 😒#I'm gonna try to get some sleep now. I'll try to update you all in the morning#hopefully everything will be fine#I think my anxiety is just. not helping. at all.#anyway. good night everyone. stay safe. if you don't see me post in the next 24 hours. well. um. never mind. I'll be fine.
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Hm... never trust how you feel about your life past 9pm or however that goes and stuff, but sometimes I do be pondering what I do on the regular and it gets to me, the silliest things
#I'm once again getting anxious over putting myself out there in every sense I can think of#Socially. Business-wise. Art-wise#if there is one trait I dislike about myself the most in the past few years—#is that for whatever reason I have a tendency to be way too open about myself and what I feel#it could be annoying. It could be tmi (I dislike that concept). It could scare people off because I'm too forward and I fuck up#I spent a big chunk of my late childhood -> teenage years -> early adulthood putting a tamper on my emotions and what I'm passionate about#and now I'm oscillating between being unable to do otherwise and being thoroughly exhausted of suppressing... anything#I genuinely don't want to do it no more and the problem is that I have no idea how to navigate the opposite end of that conduct#I feel like I'm constantly messing it up. I have no experience but I am so tired and now incapable of masking#more like my body and mind are uncooperative and refuse to keep on putting up an act. It was always a way to support others#but I disregarded myself most of the time. I don't know how to enjoy myself in front of people I love without feeling guilt or shame#I feel like I'm overstepping or being disrespectful. How do you do it#it should come easy#Heh... I'm even embarrassed to voice sincere praise to artists I admire because I never know if what I'm saying could be perceived as —#—cringey or if it makes someone slightly uncomfortable. I'm tired of being clueless about a whole dimension of social interaction#and possibly coming across as inept. I could've sworn for the longest time that I was doing it right#and I can't be sure now#I want to share my work with others but I'm always hesitant and petrified by fear of all the potential ramifications that path could have#There's so much I want to do#why does the world seem so hostile to my eyes I genuinely don't know. It makes no sense. None of that is real#Annnnnd that sure is some venting#Sheesh#Hm. Funny how tumblr keeps on being this perfect void where you can just scream into without a single worry#I should go to sleep
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very annoyingly cannot stop thinking about girli tickets.
#600 cap venue... probably not a super long set...#in my mind this is all doable.#maybe i will actually talk to my dad about this because truly worst he can say is no.#actually worst he can say is yes and then be really annoying about it#just looked up venue accessibility and there IS seating available. hmm. much to think about.#fed up of missing out on things!!!#i want to do more stuff on my own but toeing the line between overcoming anxiety and doing things that are actually just. not safe.#is very hard.#like am i just really anxious about this and will be fine? or am i putting my health at risk not having any support with me.#maybe i will see if susie's free. she might want to come.#uh oh. just found out Friday Night Big Screen is on the set list. well now i have to go.#three times i have missed opportunities to see her. damn it.#and i saw her at chappell!!! i was literally stood behind her in the cloakroom line!!!!
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i'm not tired, i'm exhausted
#my head is full of sooo many thoughts and i'm feeling way too many emotions right now#i struggled with my thesis today again after a few months break#yesterday a guy i'm kind of getting to know asked me a question that hit home when we were talking about the effects of past events#“'last time when cuddling and i gave you a kiss you tensed up completely for a sec. was that you being shy or being uncomfortable. '#i didn't even realise it and now i'm feeling extremely anxious about my subconscious acting out when i am in fact feeling comfortable#background: he knows my history of unpleasant events concerning intimacy/sex and he's very mindful about it yet challenges me in a good way#but now i am a mixture of extreme exhaustion experiencing high levels of fondness and yet feeling extremely agitated#and having constant minor flashbacks and i really don't know what to do or how to merely exist in this moment now#not going to bother anyone with this and my thoughts as they are having a good time and that also goes for the pretty nice guy i mentioned#so i'm on my own in my own company#maybe some music crying and ice cream straight from the tub would help haha#thank you for taking your time to read this mess love you and have a nice morning day or night#literally no one cares emma
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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SO I just got home from work, and there were people in my apartment, and after a second of absolute terror bc I thought someone broke in, I saw it was my friends trying to surprise me with redecorating my living room; bc here's the thing, I'm going on vacation but my mum mixed up the dates and told them I'm already gone today (which. nope!)
so long story short. I just almost had a legit heart attack whoops
#and like#this is such a sweet gesture#i love my friends so much for devoting their time to do this for me#bc i never liked my furniture and wall colour and stuff but i kept it as is bc i didnt have the energy or time to change it#so now theyre doing it for me before i start my masters degree#and like my heart could burst bc i love them so so much#but also#i am currently having a bit of a nervous breakdown lol#bc the thought of people in my apartment while im not there is really really difficult for me#because its not clean or tidy and i know they dont care but the anxious creature in my brain keeps yelling that theyll judge me#so long story short ive now retreated to my bedroom while theyre working#so they can maintain the last remaining surprise factor#and i can maintain whats left of my sanity#mina mumbles#dont mind me freaking out lol
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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