#and not labeled as bad just because they’re hyperactive

[cherryp0p224]

~General ROTTMNT HC’s~

Here, I’ll be posting my personal headcanons for rottmnt. Over time, I’ve noticed a lot of traits within the characters and certain quirks that I’ve associated with ideas that would fit the boys and other characters perfectly.

(I’ll be adding onto this whenever I have new headcanons)

Headcanon #1

Both of the disaster twins use contacts. As seen in the episode ‘Air Turtles’, Leo wears protective glasses (glasses used for athletes to see better without harming their vision), which means his vision is possibly impaired. As for Donnie, we all know Donnie used to have glasses when he was younger, but since glasses can be a huge boundary when in battle, both of the twins decided to switch to contacts so they could still see when fighting

Headcanon #2

Splinters vision is just as bad as his two sons. Splinter sees things a little blurrier than everyone else so when he sees his sons, instead of identifying them by their features, he identifies them by their colors, hence why he calls them by their colors (Blue, Red, Purple, Orange). When he was still Lou jitsu, he had some glasses, but I feel like he had them designed to fit his movie star look, so while his glasses are for seeing, he had still wanted them to look good. Teen Lou jitsu and Leo are the same thing Fr

Headcanon #3

Donnie doesn’t do too well with emotion nor does he seem to interested in romance, so the first thought that came to my head was ‘ARO/ACE DONNIE’. Aro/Ace : having little to no romantic or sexual attraction. I do still believe Donnie could fall in love, the feelings just wouldn’t be as intense as it is for those who are neurotypical

Headcanon #4

I think Mikey definitely has ADHD. Mikey tends to be very impulsive and wild when he’s fighting. In fact, he’s so impulsive, Donnie made him an inflatable suit so he wouldn’t get hurt because this boy is a loose canon. He also seems to be very hyperactive and can’t keep his focus on just one activity, hence why he has so many hobbies like cooking, drawing, skateboarding, and other things. We gotta love this ball of energy

Headcanon #5

Raph has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). We all know this poor boy has a lot of anxiety and always stresses himself out when it comes to his family. Due to carrying the weight of his family on his shoulders, he tends to stress out a lot, but when you stress out a lot, your brain finds it a custom and a normal occurrence, so anything that might start up the slightest bit of stress could possibly turn into a full blown panic attack (I know cuz I’ve got GAD :((). He also overthinks A LOT

Headcanon #6

Casandra has gotta be nonbinary/gender-fluid.I headcanon Cassandra using she/they pronouns, why? While cassandra is presented as female in the show, she seems to be in touch with both her masculine and feminine side and I definitely think that if someone were to refer to her as a boy, she would not give a flying fuck, she just doesn’t seem to care for gender labels and you gotta love that

Headcanon #7

Sorry to the people who don’t ship this, but I see April and Sunita as a lesbian couple. In Tmnt 2012, April was placed in more as a love interest for Donnie, but it was just so forced and his obsession with her was concerning. In Rise, April poses more as an older sister for the boys and her relationship with Donnie is so sweet too. Instead of April and Donnie being lovers, Rise decided to make them best friends and they’re dynamic is something I am in love with. Rise April doesn’t really seem to have much of an interest in men, nor does she seem to be interested in having a boyfriend period, but I have noticed that she seems more interested in creating a bond with other girls (like Taylor and Sunita). When Sunita was first introduced, she was presented as just beautiful (flowers along with a beautiful background) and the way she was presented was how April perceived her, we were looking from aprils point of view. So, in conclusion, I think the girls a lesbian, argue with me if you’d like, I stand by this

Headcanon #8

Casey Jones is most definitely a trans man. The first time I saw this boy on screen, I pointed to the tv and said ‘That is a trans man’. Now where Casey came from, I have no idea. I’m not sure if he was birthed out of Cassandra or if he was a dumpster child found by Cassandra, but either way, something about Casey caught my attention that made me come to this conclusion. Ofcourse we know Casey is a teenager, but it seems like he hasn’t yet hit the full point of puberty, he’s got little scruffs on his chin and I’ve noticed his voice does crack a bit (which I love. I would die for him) but I think he has these traits because he’s still in the process of transitioning fully. In all honesty though, I have a crush on this boy, I’m down bad bro, I wish there were more fics for him

[casanovafeather]

❤ Dream Sans ❤

♡sfw general hcs 1♡

╒══════╕

❥ I have transfem Dream brainrot

❥ or genderfluid Dream, either one

❥ like I just can’t get it out of my head

❥ they probably don’t actually know that it’s THAT feeling though

❥ they’re kinda confused by the concept of gender??? especially in the more modern AUs

 ❥ like, they’re from the 1500s originally and they were turned to stone for most of the years, so they didn’t get to see how things progressed

❥ if you think that grandparents are bad at understanding “newer��� concepts, oh boy

❥ like they’re accepting and they do try to understand, but it’s just new to them?

❥ neopronouns confuse them, partially because english isn’t their first language and partially bc they’re old

❥ but they’re supportive! as long as people are happy, they’re fine with it. they just may occasionally mess it up

❥ oh yeah, speaking of which, their first language was spanish

❥ and it’s old spanish

❥ they use he/they/she pronouns. the ones typically used are he/they, simply because they look androgynous-to-masculine leaning and because they haven’t come out (nor have they had “the realization” really)

❥ they used to play as “girl roles” when playing which led to the other kids subtly making fun of him

❥ subtly, but it still made him feel self-conscious

❥ they are literally the most supportive person out there, unsurprisingly

❥ very stressed and depressed though

❥ still doesn’t know about the abuse the villagers inflicted upon their brother

❥ they’re ignorant about that but it’s not malicious, they just genuinely didn’t know

❥ plus he was like six, even if he did know, what could they have done?

❥ violin music almost always makes them cry (a villager, one of the nice ones, used to play to them

❥ probably has undiagnosed ADHD (and Nightmare is/was on the autism spectrum in my mind so like “ADHD vs Autism” meme or whatever)

❥ ADHD is specifically the combined type, mix of hyperactivity/impulsiveness and inattentive subtype

❥ they’re VERY good at hiding it though, most people wouldn’t be able to tell

❥ very patient and understanding with neurodivergent people, especially now that it’s more accepted in most AUs

❥ typically will go for a while without eating or drinking because they don’t have a home or any “real” belongings

❥ plus, despite knowing that they definitely SHOULD, they’re not good at taking care of themself

❥ they’re dirt poor thanks to constantly being on the move and not having a “real job” (their “job” is literally just saving people)

❥ they love birds, especially doves, pigeons, and (later) crows

❥ the first time he’s taken to a sunflower field, they cry

❥ they identify with both pansexual and pomosexual labels

❥ they are a bambi pansexual (they prefer cuddles and kisses over sex)

❥ very excited over “mundane” technology and/or advances

❥ man does not understand memes but he has the spirit

╘══════╛

[unstableplague]

rating tf2 ships instead of doing English because writers block part 1: SCOUT!!

1. Scout/Pyro (Flashfire) - 10/10

honestly? love this ship. mwah mwah. I think these two would have a unique build up to a relationship. Scout being intimidated at first by Pyro (then realizing Pyro is actually pretty chill), and Pyro genuinely wanting to befriend Scout because he’s funny and pretty.

I see Pyro as being able to keep up with Scout’s hyperactive nature, but also being able to coax out a calmer side. Scout has trouble understanding his own emotions and expressing them (being very emotional and fearful of what others may think of him for that) and pyro is very patient and loving. They’re both chaotic, loving, expressive, and have a need to be understood and not disregarded by assumptions.

I see pyro as being very open to physical touch, but won’t actively initiate it. I think pyro would prefer quality time and acts of service. their main love language being gift giving and quality time. scout on the other hand I could see preferring quality time and physical touch (but having to be the one to initiate it), but would outwardly express words of affirmation and gifts.

Whenever I think of these two I think of their relationship being very soft. Yeah they’re chaotic and dangerous, but I can see them being very soft with one another. Scout talks a lot and Pyro listens. Pyro talks a lot and Scout listens. I think their relationship wouldn’t be established for a good while, until Scout one day just asks if they’re dating or not while they’re cuddling and watching some action movie.

I think they’d have stupid nicknames. Well on scout’s part, I don’t think pyro would make nicknames. Scout would still call them mumbles, chucklehead, and other stupid stuff, but he’d say it in a very affectionate way.

Pyro would definitely without thinking link their pinkies together when they’re near one another. It flusters Scout every single time, without fail. Scout uses flirts and pick up lines and Pyro is unaffected by them(though finds it hilarious when Scout trips over his words). If anything, they find scout’s attempts funny but prefer when he’s just being real and down to earth, rather than trying to “puff” himself up, and when he seeks out Pyro for comfort and touch. Whether it just be to hold hands or lean on.

2. Scout/Soldier (All American Offense/Batting Helmet) - 7/10

I’m kinda unsure how I feel about this ship!! I give it a high rating because i think it could be unique and these two would definitely be fun together. I’m not sure if I could ever see them being in an established romantic relationship, but I could see them being in a close relationship which isn’t exactly anything labeled.

Unlike flashfire I can see their relationship being very hyper rather than soft. They’re both reckless and loud which definitely leads to both of them making bad decisions which Spy or Demo have to get them out of. They’d definitely bond and strength their relationship over their love of adrenaline. Both, Soldier and Scout are so SO loving, and I definitely think they’d put their all into a relationship and both constantly try to impress the other. Especially on the battlefield, I can see them yelling for the other and going ‘did you see that?!’ Or ‘that was for you!!’ kinda thing. You kill one of them? Within seconds you’re killed by the other.

I do think their relationship would be a bit rocky at times due to miscommunication on both sides. Soldier and Scout tend to run into things without thinking, making plans on the go, and misinterpreting things. If they were to establish any sort of partnership they’d have to work on communicating. Both of them would have to work on not only their communication skills but also their emotional responses to things. Both of them are very prone to emotional outbursts/irritation which they’d have to work on.

However! It’s evident both mercs are so loving and aware of others emotions. I think in a relationship, Scout would stop making joking insults which Solly wouldn’t understand, and would ask Solly more questions about himself rather than his stories. Of course!! Scout and Soldier would 100% bond over stories of crushing people’s skulls, and be so hyped to hear about the other’s experiences. However the curiosity towards him as a person and his interests other than war I think would startle and slightly scare Soldier at first honestly.

Overall I think they’re relationship would be very fluid and interesting to work with. They’re love language would be far from conventional: wrestling/physical fighting(not out of anger), and not outwardly ‘romantic’ tendencies. I don’t think they’d be the type to be touchy or have flowery words. On their own I think both of them could be physical and loud with their affection but together I think it would be more of a casual thing. Maybe an affectionate pet name thrown in an offhand sentence or remark, or a gentle guidance towards a different decision. I can’t see them full on cuddling, but rather being near one another and leaning on the other. At most maybe Scout putting his head in Solly’s lap or running his hand through Solly’s buzz cut.

I do think that as hyper as they’d be, they would have very sweet moments on ceasefire days. Whether it be resting/sleeping in, cooking, or just talking and playing cards. I think with simple daily activities the more soft “intimate” side would be drawn forward. I don’t think they’d ever refer to their relationship as romantic, but I don’t think they’d stop someone from assuming they’re dating, y’know?

3. Scout/Demoman (Hop Scotch) - 10/10

Similar to All American Offense, I don’t think these two would put a label on their relationship. I think it would more be like they’re aware of how loving the other is and how strong their bond is as a friendship, and just acknowledge they love each other; whether it be fully platonic or not.

Demo with his desire for touch and Scout with flippant touch adversity and desire, I think they would definitely be one of the more sweeter duo and outwardly affectionate. They’d be more willing to show physical affection in front of others, like hugging, kissing, cuddling, those kinda things.

Scout would be so excited to learn about Demo’s culture and it would be oh so sweet. Demo is patient and more than happy to share his Scottish culture with any s/o he has. He shares cultural dishes while Scout shares dishes his ma used to make. For both Scout and Demo family means a lot, which is something I think would definitely strengthen their bond, along with both of them being openly emotional and willing to share their issues with one another (of course that would take time).

Demo willingly hearing out Scout without making him feel stupid and Scout listening to Demo’s turmoil and validating his feelings. I definitely think their relationship would work since I imagine Demo actively reminding Scout that he sees him as an equal and doesn’t look down on him at all. Which helps since Scout is very self conscious. In return, Demo is equally self conscious and struggles with self image, which Scout counteracts by constant verbal affection and being able to talk Demo through it. I think they’re relationship would lean very heavily into verbal and physical affection. Demo finds it funny whenever Scout hypes him up. Scout in term gets really embarrassed when Demo says anything sweet to him, but also determined to show off.

I see Demo as being open to physical contact and craving it, but always makes it obvious and asks if he can touch Scout before doing so, something Scout appreciates immensely. That being said, I do think that with Demo, Scout would be very more physically affectionate compared to some of the other ships. I just see them being a very go with the flow relationship which leaves Scout feeling more than comfortable with touch when it comes to Demo. Anyway they’re really cute and sweet and both deserve love and happiness and I wanna see more of them.

4. Scout/Medic (Blunt Trauma/Quick Fix) - 10/10

Hands down, I adore this duo. They’re absolutely adorable and love mediscout shippers. I went over their duo a little bit in a few posts ago, but I love the idea of both of them being equally fascinated by the other.

Scout always being the first to go see Doc and volunteering for experiments. Medic being enthralled by how healthy Scout is and finding him beautiful, both inside and out. I think this duo has a lot of potential, especially with metaphors and love that goes deeper than what is associated with the term. Their relationship could be very poetic. I do think these two would start off with a very awkward relationship, and this sense of awkwardness never really leaves it which adds to their charm as a duo.

I think it would start with Scout developing a bit of a puppy crush, finding Medic handsome and amazing in terms of skill. Scout being outwardly very awkward and loving (constantly following medic to infodump and talk about anything and everything just to get a convo going) and getting flustered by Medic who could just be standing there. Medic in turn I think would pick up on the little crush scout has and find it endearing but not think much of it. More than willing to talk to Scout about his ideas and thoughts, but never thinking he’d regard Scout in a romantic manner. I don’t think Medic would realize he had feelings for Scout until someone pointed it out. Engie says to him how he gets a fond look in his eyes and his entire demeanor just softens. Which gets Medic thinking and he just goes ‘oh shit’. Once the realization is there, I think Doc would become equally as or even more awkward and nervous than Scout. He’d still ask scout for help with certain things or lion for him to make conversation, but he’d fumble with his words more and be more mindful/careful of how he handles the other in surgery.

Anyway they’d probably establish their relationship through the help of others, which leaves Scout asking bluntly and awkwardly if they could establish something and Medic agreeing. From then on it’d be a bit more smooth sailing. One of the only issues I could see them running into a lot of times could be fear for the other. Medic fearing Scout getting so hurt that even he couldn’t heal him, or Scout somehow hating or failing out of love. Scout on the other hand would fear Medic dying rather than getting hurt and the idea of doc ever finding him annoying rather than endearing.

Both of them having issues with touch, some days loving it and other days hating it, i think physical aspects of a relationship like any sort of touch would be very special and a huge sign of trust. Whether it be Medic studying Scout’s heart or Scout gently rubbing under Medic’s eyes.

They would have cute nicknames for one another and I think their relationship would be very sweet and poetic.

Overall I love their dynamic and want more soft stuff of them. (Plus the idea of the man who outsmarted the devil being with god’s gift is SO hilarious to me.)

5. Scout/Sniper (Speeding Bullet) - 7.5/10

Honestly? I think they’re cute but similar to earlier ships mentioned I don’t think these two would ever put a label on their relationship. It’s not my favorite but I’m not against it, the art of them is adorable.

I’ve mentioned before how I believe their friendship is finding freedom and normalcy in the other which is something that would stay in any relationship they have. I don’t think they’d change anything about the way they interact with one another even if they were officially dating. It would still be very laid back and loose in a way.

I don’t know if they’d do very romantic things, maybe a few chaste kisses and laying on the other as a weighted blanket, but otherwise i can’t see them having a very touchy relationship. I think in terms of romance their bond would be: feeling so much love and fondness for another person and being okay with it and not wanting to change the relationship beyond what it is.

They find freedom in the other and just kinda go with it, y’know? I can see them more being a QPR than a standard romantic relationship.

For the last few:

Scout/Engie and Scout/Heavy

Personally I can’t see either relationship being romantic or anything other than platonic. I think scout sees heavy as an older brother and Heavy views scout as a younger brother, and it being unable to go beyond that.

On the other hand for engie, I just personally can’t see engie with many people. I’ve always regarded engie as aroace, which while he could have a relationship, I can’t see him actively seeking or desiring one. Plus I’ve mentioned before how I think engie and scout would have a rather rocky-unsure relationship which would need heavy communication.

Overall!! Scout is so loving and deserves love!!

I’ll do the next merc later!!!

[44cowboycryptid44]

I feel like I hear more and more people say that society is the disabling part of being autistic, not the autism itself, which is true to an extent? But I also feel like it overly simplifies it. So, here are some ways in which my autism disables me that are not related to society:

(This is written late at night as my disability is disabling me: please excuse me if I’m actually not using the english language properly)

1. I need a fan to sleep because otherwise I overheat and go into sensory overload (and my pots flares). I can’t stand the noise of the fan, and the very slight light created shifts the room ever so slightly and it’s Different and now I still can’t sleep.

2. I have horrible anxiety from the tism. It makes me (for lack of a better word, please excuse if this is rude to say) hyperactive. I can’t sit still, my brain moves too fast, I can’t hear my thoughts, but I know they’re there and it stresses me out. I feel like there are noises being blared in my head 24/7. I can’t hear them, but I can feel the vibrations and it’s super overwhelming.

3. One of the ways I counteract the above is by rearranging my room. Constantly. The super fast moving part of my brain needs stimulation All The Time or I spiral and start dissociating. I move my bed a lot because of this. But then the bed is in a New Position and it’s Not The Same and I don’t feel safe because of the lack of familiarity. I can’t sleep, and I lay awake for hours feeling panicky and exhausted but also wide awake.

4. Scroll to hide from the anxiety. Dissociate. Zone back in. I’m still scrolling. I desperately want to stop scrolling. I can’t move. I turn off my phone. I can’t move. I lay there.

5. I can’t stand the texture of anything on my lips, so I never use chapstick. My lips dry out and split. Bad Sensory Experience. If I try to use chapstick, I go into sensory overload. If I do nothing, I go into sensory overload.

Obviously, this isn’t life ruining stuff, and some of it is more difficult to live with than other parts. It’s just some ways in which my autism disables me that isn’t related to other people or society. Autism is complex and widely disabling, and I wish we talked about it more! I feel like along with the whole functioning labels problems, we also end up with this stereotype that “low functioning people are disabled and high functioning people have social anxiety”, which (just like functioning labels) is super harmful!

[holding-out-for-hea]

I’m gonna say something that I HOPE wouldn’t be controversial, but who knows, maybe it is. Totally not SPN or J2 related

We need to take better care of our boys. We have to stop shaming all little boys. The ones who ARE stereotypical and the ones who break the mold.….. Too often I see boys being absolutely demoralized for being who they are. It’s no wonder boys lead the statistics in suicides, mental health emergencies, feeling unsatisfied in work, drug addictions, overdoses, etc etc. which in turn makes it even less surprising they also lead the statistics in violence, crime, and incarceration. Do I make any sense??

Where is the mentorship and guidance for boys?? They need safe spaces. They are never taught how to harness and expel energy in healthy ways, but they’re certainly expelled and suspended for doing it in the wrong ways. The others are told their gentleness is shameful and off putting. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’ve seen young boys actually told they’re acting in toxic ways but then the convo ends! They’re left to feel like they’re BAD kids. This is how resentment and hatred breeds. I have two jobs. One is in the schools. So many boys are DESPERATE for strong guidance. For role models. They need MEN to step up and lead them to be proper adults. We wonder why men are shooting up concerts and shopping malls. I have seen these boys fall through the cracks in a school system that doesn’t understand, or want to understand and them. They’re labeled “problem child” and that’s it. That’s the label they wear through their whole lives. When really it’s fixable behaviors. They’re humans with immense potential if only people tried to help them! If people would just take the time. I have seen in the sports programs two things. Coaches who mentor and love (too rare) and coaches who shame and disparage (too many) I also am a dance teacher of over 100 young girls. It would NEVER be tolerated for me to speak to my students the way I see these young boys spoken to.

I’m a strong feminist who is raising two sons, one special needs. I know my responsibility is IMMENSE, Because as a strong feminist I know that society needs a healthy and functioning male population. In the schools there are spaces to help girls reach potential, branch out and try new things. There are girl only spaces. Boy only spaces are disappearing. I understand WHY that was, because they were the dominant space for so long and incredibly discriminatory. I can’t help but feel we over corrected though, and now these boys are just fending for themselves entirely. Most guidance counselors and therapists in the schools are women- which is of course great for these little boys- but I really do believe that adult men need to step up here.

Reading this back I hope all know I’m not trying to eliminate the trans, pan or non binary populations. I’m also not trying to say women don’t have an important role in raising these boys (as I said, I’m a mom of two). Trans men are 100% men, no ifs ands or buts about it, and should have a strong presence in male spaces. Non binary as well! Im also not trying to undercut what women go through- my god I know that’s a horror show worldwide. Women will be fighting for our rights for all of time it seems. I’m just commenting more on cis het men and also repressed (never felt safe to come out) and shamed lgbtq men, because there is a very specific problem in these populations and we need to speak on it.

[owlbeanies]

AU In which the beta Trolls cheat In sgrub in order to avoid the jack situation and managed to shoot themselves back in time onto alternia. They get separated into multiple small groups.

Story follows mainly follows karkat and gamzee at first. This is well before murderstuck, and gamzee is useful for all of two seconds before getting horrendous sick from withdrawal. It might not be so bad if they had a reliable way of getting food and other resources(such as an alchemizer) but sadly they've found themselves in the middle of a city pre-second rebellion with not a penny to either of their names.

Karkat is stressed. He is very stressed. He has to find a way to provide for both of them in a matter a nights without also getting caught and dieing. He makes a smart decision to hide his sign, not because he realizes it puts him in danger, no, because he immediately decides the only course of action that makes sense is to turn to a life of crime(petty theft) and he doesn't want his crimes attached to his sign incase he has to sign-off on some legal bullshit later.

Gamzee is dieing. Not really he's okay 60% of the time and does what he can to help, but honestly the boy can't stand for 30 seconds without trying to throw up his guts. Gamzee pretty much serves as a decoy to throw off anyone looking for karkat. He is the least intimidating thing out there, but boy can he play up the "let me call my friends " card, which with his sign is terrifying enough to prevent any mildly inconvenienced person to ask questions.

At some point karkat runs into dualscar. Now he knows of dualscar through eridan, and he's a little freaked out at first but nothing comes of it so whatever. But then he keeps running into him. It might be partially his fault. Drunk people are really easy to rob and all the bars are a short walk from the docks so of course he's probably going to run into a couple of sea dwellers. Besides, he's only ever spoken 2 words to the fucker on accident and he doubts he was even noticed. As long as he keeps his distance he should be fine.

Gamzee’s getting a whole lot worse a whole lot faster, and karkat has pissed off the wrong person. He might have accidentally stolen from and subsequently injured a legislators' quad and now they need to flee town REAL fucking quick. Only problem being they don't have a map, and all the maps in town are the really fucking stupid ones that are far more complicated than they need to be for the sake of- what? Looking nice? Either way none of them are simple road maps and maybe if he had enough time to stare at them he could figure out where to go without getting lost, but time isn't something they have and gamzee knows how to read them quickly, so he packs the clown up and carries him to the map board. Gamzee can't see straight and even the small amount of light from the partially blocked moons manages to feel as if he just stared directly into the sun but boy does he try.

Dualscar meanwhile is sitting across the street in one of those face outdoor restaurant tables watching these two kids scramble to read a map. He downs whatever he's drinking and walks over because what in the fuck are they doing?

Karkat tells him to fuck off and mind his business.

He doesn't.

Gamzee figures out where they need to go and points.

They're offered a ride.

They both adamantly refuse because no absolutely not that is a horrible idea they will not be doing that ever. Then a legislator walks around a street corner in the background and they seriously consider it.

They both end up on the boat one way or the other, and not necessarily because they had a choice. Dualscar writes gamzee off as dead immediately and has him put with the other prisoners on the ship to be forgotten about. He doesnt know what he has and doesn't really care either. Karkat on the other hand is treated decently well. He got stuck doing basic bitch ship work, but hes fine. Any free time he has he spends taking care of gamzee who lost all coherence shortly after being picked up.

When they hit the docks karkat is paid for his time and told to run off now. Karkat is pleasantly surprised and is glad to be back on land, theres just one problem, wheres gamzee? Karkat is basically told "haha yeah no I'm keeping that one" and is no longer pleased. After one of many long winded and empty threats, he's then told the ships leaving in a week and he's free to join them again if he wishes.

Angry and alone karkat stops off into the new city.

He return, rather quickly at that, after spending everything he had on medicine and other essentials. Immediately he's back at Gamzee’s side. The ship sets sail again right on schedule and gamzee finally seems to be improving. It takes a few months for him to figure out how to stand on his own but once he gets it he's as hyperactive as ever to his own detriment. His balance is shot, and he's somehow clumsier than before. He keeps getting himself hurt and even worse than that, he's annoying the guards with his constant rambling. Karkat has on multiple occasions been sent down to shut him up for a few hours.

The second he's able to work, he's put to work and thank fuck that seems to shut him up. Any time they hit land they're both paid but only one of them is allowed to leave at any given time. It's stupid, it's annoying, they both know why it's done, and it's not like there's anything they can do about it. At least they're living better than they were.

Enviably karkat gets hurt. They get hit with a storm and karkat arm get pinch between two bits of metal. The injuries isn't terrible but it did rip off a decent amount of skin. Even in the heavy rain it's not possible to hide. While no one paid him any mind in the chaos once the storm had settled he's well aware of how royally fucked he is. Gamzee for the first time anyone has seen him is pissed. He's hyper aggressive towards anyone in his vicinity. The second karkat could be whisked away he boarded them in one of the sleeping quarters and threatens anyone who tries to open the door. It gets bad enough dualscar has to come in and swat at the both of them for being dumb. Karkats having a panic attack. Lil ol' gamzee who nearly breaks his neck 3 times a weak tripping over his own shoes is squaring up for a fight. There is no fight. No one cares about karkat. Infact they were keenly aware of karkat's blood the second they saw him all that time ago. Why do you think they fought so hard to keep hold of some random wrigglers? That boat is the safest place for them. When dual was asked why he’d help them at all if he knew, he just shrugged and said he owed someone a favor and keeping karkat alive was his way of repaying it.

Shit gets squared away. Sort of. The both of them are still extremely uncomfortable about the whole ordeal for months but not a thing comes out of it. Nothing bad at least. The two find themselves getting more comfortable on the ship. They start seeing the rest if the crew as friends and grow tight bonds with a lot of them.

Karkat, now freed from the constant nagging fear of getting found out, ends up far more bold than he otherwise would be. The rule stating only one is allowed to leave at a time is still there, but pushing his luck is his new favorite pass time.

Gamzee sustained numerous injuries from his sickness. Even sweeps later he still hasn't fully recovered. It's not obvious. He functions just fine on his own but one night he'd been out walking the town on his own and he ran across a group of subjugs. He's younger and smaller than the lot of them, not to mention a stranger, but they still invited him out for drinks and gossip. He goes, and hours later he returns safely, tipsy and a little high off whatever they were smoking, but safe. Dual take him out back to yell at him almost as soon as he returns. He's confused. He's gone drinking on his own before, and he's been out with karkat numerous times more, and never has he been screamed at for it. He takes offense. The only difference he can see is them being purple. They're family, his family, but that doesn't mean he'd run off with them. He'd never leave karkat behind, not ever would he dream of abandoning him. But that wasn't the problem. He put karkat in danger. He put the crew in danger. Is he really so deadpanned that he didn't think partying with the grand highblood and crew was a bad idea? Now Gamzee’s lost. When did he run into his ancestors? No one introduced themselves as such. He hadn't seen them. Didn't really see anyone actually, especially not the person wearing the same sign as him, embroidered fancily across their chest and down their arms.

Hes blind. For all he fought that label, stating he still saw shapes and colors, for the first time he had to admit it to someone. He begged him not to tell karkat. The last thing he wanted was to worry him. He was told he needed to, at some point, preferably soon, tell him himself. He left the conversation with a new rule placed on him for the time being. He's not allowed off the ship alone anymore.

[thechangeling]

Ok im gonna make a disclaimer

I am way too attached to this character

He was my first latino character and when i first read him i saw no flaws because he was me and i didnt see that latino characters deserved better than be a walking stereotype of our cultures

With the only thing to show for it a few badly phrased spanish words

When i did, it hurt

Hurt to see how many harmful stereotypes he had and how bad rep he actually was if you analized enough

But I dont think anything hurt more than seeing how the fandom treated him.

So leo canonically has adhd, a lot of characters do have adhd but

Out of all of them

Hes one of the worse at masking

Hes hyperactive and bad at socializing even if he fakes it and makes up for feeling fundamentally flawed with jokes and manes up for not being able to fit in anywhere by degrading his value

I think he does stim in page but id need to reread i havent in so long

HE DOES THAT THING WHERE YOU CONVINSE YOURSELVE YOU DONT NEED ANYONE BECAUSE YOU WORK BETTER ALONE

WHILE HE HAS FRIENDS

But he just feels like they all have better things than him

There was this short story where there was a festival in camp and his friends invited him but he said he had work and that it was totally cool, but he just didnt wanna go. And had a few phrases that even after month he just didnt feel like he fit in and prefered to work on things he knew

And is always getting people mad at him cause hes blunt and always ends up saying the wrong things

But he is endlessly loyal

And he is a genius fae

Like an actual genius

He knew how to do college level math at 7 years old

He build an entire ship ON HIS OWN

Hes is the smartest heroes of olympus characters only rival (if that) to the daughet IF THE GODESS OF WISDOM

And yes he makes some rash decision making and some mistakes BECAUSE YOU KNOW

HE IS ADHD

But when you come to the fandom

They treat him like an idiot

They make jokes that he cant do things and reduce him to only being distracted and messing things up

Burning things with his fire powers

And being a comedic reliefe for the rest of the crew

They treat him like an absolute idiot

And it hurts because he is a genius and he is brilliant HE ONLY HAS ADHD

If you go through the leo tag

All you'll see are jokes about him being an idiot

Flirting with everything that moves

And reducing him only to his jokes

I hate it

HE IS CANONICALLY SMART HES JUST ND

I saw a meme once that was like the hands touching meme, you know like putting your hand in a pile up? Did I explain that right? With three hands pabeled Jesper Fahey, Leo Valdez, and Alex Claremont-Diaz and then the pile up (I'm explaining this horribly) was labeled "non white characters with adhd" and at the bottom there was the description "getting called stupid by the fandom when they're actually really smart in canon." And then the extra layer to that is two of those characters are bisexual and they are all POC and they get the flirts with everything that moves stereotype.

It's not a good look fandom culture!

This is why I don't like those "jokes" about the characters because they usually reflect bias.

Anyways we're off topic again yayyy. He sounds like key awesome honestly. I love the fire thing. Side note, why is that an nd thing? Fire? Like it just is and idk why.

Anyways fandoms stop calling ADHD characters stupid 2021!!

[that-tall-queer-bassist]

My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class. 

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening. 

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling. 

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took. 

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally. 

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there. 

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with  feeling their pain. 

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it. 

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

[macncheesenketchup]

things you should avoid, know, or do if you support autistic and adhd people and why: a list for allistic, non adhd or neurotypical people

TW FOR AUTISTIC/ADHD PEOPLE READING THIS: DESCRIPTIONS OF ABLEISM, MENTION OF R-SLUR, MENTION OF AUTISM $PEAKS

People often don’t realize why what they say or do is offensive, and want to do better but don’t understand how. So, for those of you who want to be less ableist/stigmatizing, here’s a list of things you can do to help autistic and ADHD people live more easily. If someone has a question or an autistic/adhd person has something to add, please feel free to do so in the notes/reblogs and I’ll most likely answer you or add it to the post!

1. Never, ever support Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks is an organization that has never been on the side of autistic people. There’s plenty of research on the wrongs they’ve committed, but off the top of my head:

- Supported the Judge Rotenberg Center, who are known for using shock therapy on autistic people.

- Supported and made their own version of ABA therapy, a form of therapy designed to stifle/“cure” autism. This therapy form is traumatizing, often forces autistic people not to stim, to word things in an uncomfortable way or do things that are physically painful to them.

- Tried to look for a ‘cure’ to autism, for the longest time didn’t have a single autistic person on staff, and had influential members who had said and done horrible things (what comes to mind first is the member who was shown on camera with their autistic child in earshot saying that they hated having an autistic child so much, they had more than once considered getting in the car with their autistic child and driving the both of them off a cliff, leaving their non autistic child alive)

2. When an autistic/adhd person says they’re autistic/adhd, it’s okay to ask questions. An autistic/adhd person won’t usually be offended by innocent questions designed to better understand us. With that said, if an autistic person tells you a statement or question is offensive, just take their word for it. Examples of typically offensive things to say as a person without the disorders include “you don’t look/act autistic,” “oh, like Einstein/The Good Doctor/Rain Man/Sheldon,” using autistic/adhd like a slur or adjective, or using autistic/adhd as an adjective for yourself or for derogatory purposes.

3. If you respect neurodivergent people, you respect their behaviors, too. If someone with autism/adhd tells you that something they do is because of their disorder, please don’t argue. And don’t make fun of behaviors like having ‘weird’ interests, stimming, laughing inappropriately, not knowing social things, etc.

4. Never use the R-slur. The R-slur refers to the word “r*tard”, and both this word and variations of it are extremely harmful. Don’t say it, don’t write it, don’t Morse code it or sign it. Don’t. Not even as an example.

5. Don’t victimize yourself for knowing an autistic or ADHD person. Just don’t. It’s a horrible and disheartening thing to see as an autistic/ADHD person.

6. Don’t use functioning labels. Functioning labels are most common for autism, and consist of words like ‘low functioning’ or ‘high functioning’. Terms like these are harmful and don’t give a full sense of what autistic people are like because it makes autism seem like a scale where you either can’t do anything and are incapable or you can do everything a neurotypical can and don’t deserve accommodations. Instead, view and explain it with the ice cream bar analogy, which says that autism is more like an ice cream bar with various symptoms as flavors and toppings that can be mixed in any way.. You don’t have a high functioning autistic child, you have a child who, using the ice cream bar analogy, doesn’t have social issues in their sundae, but DOES have educational barriers in their sundae, and they don’t struggle with loud noise but they do struggle with COMPLICATED noise. It’s more effort, yes, but it’s more kind to autistic people.

7. Don’t tell someone with autism or ADHD what their experiences are. Don’t tell them they’re using their disorder as a crutch. Don’t tell them they don’t experience a certain symptom when they say they do. Don’t tell them what they don’t need when they’ve told you what they do. Just listen, and accommodate as much as you can. You do not know them better than they do.

8. Autistic people often experience nonverbalism or selective muteness. This means sometimes they can’t talk, and it physically harms them to do so. Don’t force them to speak. Let them write down what they have to say, or put it into a text to speech, or do what they must.

9. People with ADHD often experience hyperactivity or an inability to focus. Don’t tell them to ‘just be still’, because often doing so can be painful. Don’t yell at them for not being able to focus, because the result will be them forcing themselves to focus and not actually hearing. Rather, if someone with ADHD can’t sit still, allow them to stand up and pace back and forth in the room, or step outside or go for a walk. If they can’t focus, ask them what you can do to help and DO YOUR BEST to do that.

10. People with autism and ADHD come in every shape, size, color, ethnicity, and personality. Don’t dwindle them down to a ‘type’. You’re harming them by doing that. There are POC, trans, female, male, non-binary, and lgbt autistic/adhd people, there are autistic/adhd people who can sit still, who can mask well, who don’t show specific symptoms, or who like things that aren’t autistic/adhd in nature and they’re all valid and deserve representation. Don’t act like they aren’t, don’t act like they don’t, and give them what they deserve whenever you can.

11. Not every symptom of autism and ADHD is well-known. ADHD people can experience impulse lying, horrible intrusive thoughts, and RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria) that can take extreme forms. Autistic people can experience using extremely offensive language or dogwhistles without being aware that it’s offensive or bad, selective muteism that isn’t complete nonverbalism but still makes the autistic person incapable of speaking without harming themselves, and harmful stims like slamming their head against things or biting their skin. These are only a few examples of things people don’t seem to consider when meeting a person with autism or ADHD, but they’re easy to fix without being harsh, discriminatory, or ableist. If you ever don’t know how to address a symptom or behavior, ask an autistic/adhd person for help! You can find many of them in tags like #autism, #actuallyautistic, #actuallyadhd or #adhd.

12. Please don’t claim autistic/adhd culture, terminology, behaviors or otherwise things that are theirs for yourself. Don’t use #actuallyautistic or #actuallyadhd if YOU, YOURSELF are not autistic, even if you have an autistic family member. Don’t say you stim/have self-stimulatory behaviors. Don’t say you experience special interests or hyperfixations. Don’t say you’re ‘so autistic’ or ‘so adhd’ based on a stereotypical autistic/adhd thing you did. Don’t use fidget toys, stim toys, or chewing toys if you aren’t an autistic/adhd person who needs them, especially not in places like schools or workplaces where abusing necessary accommodations can lead to the people who need them being refused them. If you think something MIGHT be an autistic/adhd thing that you yourself shouldn’t use, do or say, ASK.

13. Self-diagnosis is valid. Autism and ADHD are severely undiagnosed because of the diagnostic requirement and bigotry in psychology. You can have autism and ADHD and not be diagnosed simply because you’re POC, or don’t ACT autistic/adhd enough, or looked for diagnosis late in life, or even just because you’re a girl. Don’t tell someone they aren’t actually autistic or ADHD if they are self-diagnosed because many people with these disorders CAN’T be diagnosed due to things outside of their control.

14. Don’t spread false or unchecked information about autism and ADHD. You can fact check things you read online or hear by mouth just by asking an autistic/ADHD person, and it’s best to do such before saying something that isn’t true.

15. Possibly most importantly, listen to autistic/adhd voices and support people with autism/adhd. Allow people with autism/adhd to have jobs. Reblog when autistic/adhd people speak out. Correct people who show ableist behaviors online and if they argue with you, tag or otherwise get ahold of autistic/adhd people who you know would be willing to help you. Block and report ableists who refuse to cooperate when their ableism is pointed out. Buy from autistic/adhd businesses. Don’t go blue for autism, use red instead. Follow tags like #actuallyautistic and #actuallyadhd in order to familiarize yourself with and validate their voices, but if they don’t want neurotypical or allistic people to reblog or comment, don’t. It’s not difficult to let our voices be heard, and you can do so without supporting corrupt organizations or using non-autistic people, non-adhd people or neurotypical ‘autism/adhd moms/dads’ to get information. Ask autistic/adhd people questions, check in with them, make sure they’re okay. Treat autistic and adhd voices like biblical word on the matter because they ARE.

[hannahstarshade]

It’s my birthday again

So last year was...a year. A lot of things happened, both for better and worse. I moved away from my childhood home and am currently living near the ocean. While jarring, the change in scenery has been refreshing. After a long search I found myself working with a company I’ve come to appreciate. Most notably, the people are awesome. Yesterday I was officially promoted to a position I couldn’t have seen myself in a year ago. The prep work and lead up has been time-consuming and arduous, but I’m excited to start taking on new challenges. It’s not a career path I had envisioned for myself, but I’m curious to see where this path leads. Last month I tested positive for covid for the second time. However, this time I was far less ill and boostered the hell up. My immune system is very huge and strong now. Thank you science. 

I’ve allowed myself to let toxic relationships go and actually start putting work into those that have begun to flourish. I’m making an effort to branch out and engage with new communities, which is an interaction I’ve been missing for a long time. My anxiety and depression have been hitting me hard. Isolating myself was one of the worst actions I could have taken. I was afraid of being hurt or being rejected for so long I forgot what it was like to have friends; to care and be cared about. I’ve been working through my trauma in a healthy and productive way. I was diagnosed with ADHD-I. After looking closely at my lack of time management, inattentiveness, hyperactive mind, and lapses in memory, I decided to finally get a professional opinion. I haven’t been able to seek treatment yet, but I feel it’s a step in the right direction. It’s also helped me tackle other factors of my mental health, such as depression, anxiety, and maladaptive daydreaming. I’ve decided to keep my diagnosis to myself for now. While it’s out there on the internet, the people in my regular day-to-day don’t know. I’ll tackle that conversation when I’m better equipped. 

I do an awful lot of thinking on this blog, especially in regards to my sexuality. Like, it’s a nonstop process. At the beginning of last year I was fully secure in my bisexuality. Then I think I’m more of a lesbian, until realizing I don’t just like women. Then I get caught up in the whole bisexuality vs pansexuality internet discourse and go down that rabbit hole, only to emerge with two labels instead of one to appease anyone. Then I have a crisis over which community feels right. I’ve been struggling with my label and what it even means to have a label. What’s the point? At the end of the day, I know how I feel. I don’t have to put a word to it to understand that my attraction is limitless. One word, or several words, is mostly for the benefit of others and for finding safe spaces. While I am very comfy with bisexual/pansexual, I think I prefer to have one go-to. Moving forward, I will be identifying primarily as bisexual. If the word pansexual helps me better articulate what I feel, that’s cool too. I’m okay with either term.

I’m disappointed in myself with how I’ve handled what I consider my greatest passion: writing. There’s a whole tag dedicated to it with nothing there. I know the fanfics and short stories I used to write when I was in school. I hope I’ve gotten better since then, but I’ve been holding myself back from creating anything out of fear. This past year in particular was incredibly slow going. I barely touched one of my fics, and completely shelved an original short story. I recently watched a Rick and Morty video by CJ the X (please check them out they’re incredibly insightful) and part of the opening monologue really spoke to me. “Don’t negotiate with terrorists. Your ego is a terrorist. When your fear of creating something stupid or bad prevents you from creating at all, you are not serving anyone but your own feelings. Because everyone makes stupid and bad things. That’s how we make good things.” Moving forward, I’m going to try to make the thing. Even if that thing isn’t as good as I’d like it to be, I’m going to say “fuck it” and put it out there. And I won’t deleted it after a few days like I’ve done in the past. I’m going to own my work.

I’m 27 now. Normally, around this time I have resolutions for myself like “lose weight” and “read more.” This year I’m going to approach my future with a few different goals in mind. I’m not going to broadcast them, though. I tend to trip up with I tell people “I’m going to do x, y, and z.” When I do that I have an extra pressure placed on me because people expect it of me in a certain timeframe. I don’t do well in constraints like that. I might have screwed myself over with the writing thing, but it’s fine. Yes I have goals, but I’m taking them slow. I’ll get there. I know I can. Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings. Stay safe, and remember that someone out there is rooting for you. 

[bookandcranny]

If You can Change Your Tune

The interloper arrives in a rented moving van, the same sort as all the ones before.

“Are you sure about this?” her friend asks as they pull up to the house. “I know you’ve always had a thing for fixer-uppers but this place might be beyond saving.”

Even as she unlocks the front door the wind whistles a note of warning through its rickety frame. The floorboards beneath their feet crackle and moan at the intrusion.

“All it needs is a little love,” the interloper retorts. Her name is Ann. I remember her from the showing, a woman of insufferably good cheer walking room to room with the equally annoying realtor of the week, a dopey smile hanging from her lips.

I didn’t think much of it at the time. People like her come around from time to time with aspirations in their heads of moving into the rural countryside to rehabilitate my thickets into sprawling gardens or write the next great American novel from within my historic walls. Seeing the reality of the place in person was usually enough to convince them to chase their fantasies elsewhere. However, it appears this particular happy-go-lucky thorn in my side needs a bit more work to dislodge.

“Are you sure you’re not in over your head?” the other one asks. I try to guess at their relationship. Friend? Sister? A lover? I’m sick to death of couples.

“It’s a little late for me to back out now,” Ann laughs, twirling the keys around her finger. “Don’t worry, Nick’s bringing his crew over tomorrow to start on the repairs. She’s a project but the foundation’s sound. Next time you see this place she’ll be a real beauty.”

“’She’?”

“Yeah, you know, like how people call cars or boats a she.” She climbs the stairs and runs her hand along the dusty banister. I think of splinters— with luck maybe she’ll get tetanus- but nothing comes of it.

The house is my body. Two stories, twelve rooms not including the attic, an old-fashioned spiral staircase, and me, the greatest antique of all, left to rot. Once upon a time a family used to live here: a mother and father, a veritable litter of hyperactive young children, uncles and aunts and cousins who would stay with them some summers and during Christmastime, and the wizened pale face of a grandfather who watched over them from above the mantle. It was all very precious, very southern hospitality, very postcard perfect. All very gone. Not even their ghosts remained; just me, and all the better for it.

Chesterfield is the name of the county as well as the nearest town, though from what I understand that’s using the term lightly. Most folks local to the area know better than to disturb me, but sometimes they get bold. Bored teenagers mostly, or suited vultures looking to see if there’s any profit to be squeezed from the property. In its heyday, the house was probably a sight to behold, but I wouldn’t know much about that. Memories of my life, if ever I truly lived, are slippery like oil on the water’s surface, impossible to grasp.

Though without eyes or ears or a mind to make use of them, I can “see” through my many windows— if eyes are the windows to the soul, maybe windows are can be eyes to the spirits— and “hear” any sounds that tremble through my frame. I’m grateful for these senses; they help me keep things in order. If someone starts to get a little too cozy with my corridors, and providing the spiders don’t scare them off first, I just slam a few doors, flicker a few lights, and they go running.

The interloper and her extra finish moving in the last of the boxes. She squeezes her arm and gives her a peck on the cheek.

“I’ll send you pics once I’ve got my room set up,” she says.

“Bold of you to think you’ll survive that long. This place is definitely haunted. Do you get cell service out here? I want to call a coroner and tell them to save your spot.”

“I don’t remember making this big a deal when you moved into your first place.”

“It had bed bugs, but it didn’t have ghosts.”

Ann makes a face. “I’ll take my chances with the ghosts.” She puts an arm around her shoulders. “Kim. You’re acting like I’m dropping off the map. You’re the one leaving the country.”

“For two weeks!” Her expression grows tense. “I feel bad leaving you like this. I should’ve been there for you, there was just so much going on.”

“It wouldn’t have changed my mind.”

She sighs dramatically. “No, nothing can, can it? I fear for whoever you end up tricking into marrying you.”

Ann slaps her playfully on the arm. “Do not start on that. Speaking of which, don’t you have a honeymoon to be on? Go on, get.”

Kim puts her hands up in mock surrender and backs out the front door. I raise one of the loose planks on the porch and she trips, just barely evading a tumble down the front steps.

“See? Cursed!”

“Go!” But she’s laughing as she adds, “Thank you for the help. It means a lot, even if Sophie is gonna kill me for keeping you this long.”

“I’ve got time to talk her down.”

The U-haul rumbles away down the dirt road until it’s a muddled blur in my perception and then, finally, gone. I’m alone with the enemy now. More importantly, she is alone with me.

I slam the door. It’s the easiest most classic trick in the book. Ann jumps and looks around. I know what she’s thinking. Just the wind? Or could it be…?

But no, one small act like that won’t be enough to convince her. With a shrug, she returns to the task of moving in. She shuffles around a few boxes in the foyer and starts moving them one by one up to the second floor. All things considered she hasn’t much to move in, but I’m not fooled. Where one intruder appears, more will follow, and bring all their junk and their noise and their petty living problems with them.

All my original furniture was auctioned off in an estate sale. It took place right here on the lawn, and I watched through my windows as they divvied up my family’s belongings, breaking them down into numbers and measures of worth for the masses. For the most part though I didn’t miss it. The absence of clutter made the space feel bigger, and I got used to the emptiness.

The interloper sets up in the master bedroom and unpacks some supplies to give the room a cursory cleaning. The agency normally sent someone over to prepare the place for new residence, but since the last few rounds of movers had come and gone, they hadn’t bothered. If Ann minds, she doesn’t show it, and I have to admit it’s nice to have someone sweep away the dirt and detritus.

After cleaning to her satisfaction, she starts opening boxes with foreign labels and assembling her furniture from strange little kits, turning sheets of instructions over in her hands as she nibbles on a hangnail. The result is a set of cheap-looking geometric furniture that makes her curse as she accidentally attaches the table leg to the chair and the chair leg to the bedframe. Something about watching her work transfixes me. Probably her comical ineptitude.

After she fixes all the furniture she dresses her new bed and starts cluttering her shelves with all kinds of bizarre toys and knickknacks. Among her affects is a paperback book titled “the art of moving in and moving on”. I scoff.

“This is a temporary arrangement. Very temporary, you got it?” I tell her, though I know she can’t hear me. I know this, but it still annoys me. It feels like she’s ignoring me.

The interloper smiles to herself and takes out a black rectangle that she holds up like a camera, though the shape is far too small and thin. She lowers it, considering, and then from yet another box digs out a string of Christmas lights and hangs them up above the bed.

“It’s June,” I say, dumbfounded.

I look at the string of lights and put pressure on one of the bulbs until it bursts. She jumps, but the moment passes. She spends the bulk of the evening fussing with her camera-thing until she falls asleep.

Fine. If she wants to play hardball, I’ll play hardball.

 --

 In the morning, the interloper’s camera-thing plays a tune to rouse her. Her waking is both a curse and a blessing, for while I was glad to be free of her active meddling, even as she slept I was never able to completely ignore her presence. I feel her like an itch, like a stubborn pimple forming beneath my skin, and I’m glad to sense her rising if only because it means I can get back to business sooner rather than later.

The water heater and other facilities are still in good condition from the last unfortunate newcomers I drove from my doorstep, which frees her to take a long shower, singing obnoxiously all the while. This, however, is a perfect opportunity for me. When the heat from the shower fogs the chipped bathroom mirror, I brandish my loathing like a pen and write her a message. Granted, precision isn’t my forte, so the words come out a little smeared and crooked, but still the intent is clear as can be.

LEAVE

Ann squints at the streaked mirror. “Love?”

“Are you really that stupid?”

She looks around but, seeing no one, shrugs it off again and starts to brush her teeth. When she ducks her head to spit, I quickly try again.

MINE

“Mina? Who’s Mina?”

I groan. Okay, perhaps a more symbolic approach. I will the mirror to shatter, but just then a loud knocking sounds and Ann runs off in a frenzy before she can see the long crack forming down the center.

“Door’s open!” She calls from the landing as she hurries to finish dressing with one hand and wrangle her hair into a towel with the other.

I try to hold it shut, but despite my efforts, the door is forced open and a parade of half a dozen handymen file into the entryway. As they start setting up, a burly towheaded man breaks from the pack and goes to meet Ann as she’s bounding down the stairs.

“Careful, careful. Don’t put your foot through anything before I’ve even had the chance to bill you.”

“Nick,” Ann says fondly. “If these stairs could handle me, Kim, and the fifty-pound mattress we lugged up there yesterday, I think they’re stable.”

“You gals didn’t have to do all that. I could’ve—“

“It’s fine,” she insists. “You’re helping me out enough as it is.”

“Yeah, well, we’re even for that whole thing at Kim’s wedding now.”

“More than even,” she agreed. “I know this was last minute. Dinner’s on me tonight. I’ll order enough pizza for the entire crew.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You haven’t seen how much Seth can eat.”

Their easy banter disgusts me. Living people are all the same; wandering around with blind optimism or bemoaning every bad turn, blissfully unaware of how little it truly mattered. One wrong step with those tools of theirs and any one of them could be joining me among the shiftless dead. I don’t have any desire for that kind of company so I decide to wait until they’re done with their renovations before I risk trying to scare anyone again.

As it is they hardly need my help. Ann, it turns out, is more than just clueless, she’s a klutz. If that isn’t enough she insists on “helping” right up until she almost shoots herself in the foot with a nail gun. Nick warns her not to try it again but I don’t feel any anger from him. The crew are all familiar with one another and with her. They chat and toss around jokes between tasks; someone puts on music.

The feeling isn’t quite a tangible one, but then neither am I. It’s an energy I struggle to describe, something like wading in a river and being aware of a splash rippling from upstream. Compared to the sharp tang of fear I’m accustomed to, all this amicability is nauseatingly sweet.

Ann beams, and the high arches of her cheeks dimple and flush darkly, round as apples.

“What exactly do you have to be so happy about?” I hiss in her ear.

As much as I hate to admit it though, I can understand why someone like her moved so easily among the crowd. Even when she was getting underfoot, she’s a difficult person to condemn for it. How could anyone begrudge her excitement when it was so abundant? Or her love when it was so freely given?

Growing impatient with it all, I knock a toolbox off the top of a stepladder and send its contents scattering in all directions. It lands hard and the sounds of work, the music and the laughter, all come to an abrupt stop.

“What was that?” someone asks. A worker crouches down underneath the arch of the ladder to collect some of the scattered screws and I, with great satisfaction, tip the thing over on top of him. The damage is little, but it’s enough to get the entire crew good and spooked.

“I didn’t touch it,” the injured handyman insists as he nurses his bruises with an icepack. “It just collapsed.”

“Maybe this place is haunted,” another jokes, but her smile doesn’t quite cover her nervousness.

“Kim said the same thing,” Ann muses to herself. Nick looks at her and she startles, as if she hadn’t realized she’d spoken aloud.

“I was wondering how you were able to afford this place, even with the damage.”

“Oh don’t start with all that black cat broken mirror stuff. You see bad omens in everything.”

“And you don’t see red flags until they’re waving right in the face. Not even then,” he accuses. Her guilty expression says there’s some truth to his words. “Tell me honestly, is this house haunted?”

“That’s silly. Of course not.”

“Then how do you explain what just happened?” I demand with frustration.

“Then how do you explain what just happened?” asks the injured worker.

“Thank you!”

Ann hums thoughtfully and looks up at my aged walls, my decrepit ceilings. “The realtor warned me there were rumors about this place. This house has survived fire, flood, and an attempted demolition; somehow nothing was ever able to destroy it, and every person who’s lived here had reported seeing strange things. Objects moving on their own, strange sounds at night.”

Nick leans forward in his seat. “And what did you say when they told you all that?”

“I told her it sounded perfect.”

He puts his head in his hands. “Ann. Mary-Ann Thorne. Tell me you did not buy an actual haunted house. When Kim told me you just up and bought a house on a whim I thought that was crazy enough but this…”

“I didn’t buy a haunted house,” she says. She stood up straight and spread her hands with a dramatic flourish. “I bought a survivor. Houses are like people. They have personalities, they have their own little quirks, their likes and dislikes. Old houses most of all. I could tell as soon as I walked into this place that… well that she had something special. I can’t explain it, I just felt so drawn to her.”

She places her hand on the wall and holds it there. If I were alive I think I would shiver.

“She’s been through a lot, but with some TLC she’s gonna sing, I can feel it.”

“That’s crazy,” Nick says, but she isn’t listening. Not to him. It’s almost as if… almost…

“Can you hear me?”

She doesn’t respond. Of course she doesn’t. I berate myself for even daring to expect something so deluded. However, her little speech seems to encourage the crew, or else they’ve just calmed down enough to put aside their reservations and get back to work.

Watching them I feel… strange. Even when my house had been lived in before I had never really felt so cared for. It’s all ridiculous of course, a blind act of charity sprung from some silly woman’s misguided and misdirected affection. While the workers patch holes and replace crumbling pieces, the interloper sweeps and scrubs, eager to do her part.

Evening falls, and Ann prepares to head into town to pick up dinner.

“The guy on the phone said they don’t deliver to this address for some reason,” she says. “Weird.”

“Why don’t I go,” offers Nick. “I’ve got the truck. There’s more room.”

“Okay,” she reluctantly agrees. “But I’m still buying, clear?”

“Crystal.” There’s a faint air of nervousness wafting from him, I think. I suspect he’s been hoping for an opportunity to get away from me for a while.

The rest of the crew seem mostly recovered from their brief brush with the supernatural. I intend to fix that.

I start by flickering the lights, another classic. Someone gets up stammering about checking the fuse box in the basement, but as he and Nick each go for the doors I slam them both at once, creating a nice echoing effect that rings all through the house.

“Try writing that off as the wind.”

“I got a better idea,” another someone offers up. “How about we all go into town for dinner? It’ll be nice to get out of— it’ll be nice to get out, let the dust settle here.”

“Come on, Ann,” Nick gestures. “We can swing by the bar after. It’ll be fun.”

She hesitates, a strange look on her face, and takes a step back. “You all go ahead. I’m not that hungry.”

“Ann.” He speaks more sternly now, looking something like an older brother with a neat wrinkle of worry taking up residence on his brow. “Come on.”

“I’m fine here, and you’re being silly. If you don’t believe me, bring me back something after you eat and you’ll see that I’m perfectly safe here alone.”

“But you’re not alone,” I whisper, for nobody’s benefit but my own. “What would you say, if you knew. If you really knew.”

“Besides, I’ve already spent the night here once. If something were going to happen, why didn’t it?” She pulls a smirk, puts her hands on her hips. “Maybe it’s just you guys my house doesn’t like.”

Nick huffs an almost-laugh and relents, not entirely satisfied but not looking to argue the point any longer. He tells her to call him right away if anything changes and then he leaves. The workers file out after him, the last of them gingerly shutting the door behind him, so as not to anger me.

“Why didn’t you go with them?” I ask her. My voice, such that it is, takes on a plaintive edge. Pitiful. I correct myself, refocus my aims. “You’ve had plenty of chances to run, and it’s only going to get worse from here on out. You know that, right? You’ve got to know this isn’t just some twenty-four-hour fever. You can’t get rid of me. It’s my house.”

She starts up the stairs. I follow. I have no other choice.

“Are you really this dense? How can you ignore the signs? How can you believe there’s anything here worth salvaging?"

She walks into the bathroom and stares into the cracked mirror.

“What are you doing now?” I complain. “Looking for answers? I couldn’t give them to you if I had them. Or are you just admiring your pretty reflection?” I stroke the mirror’s surface. “Must be nice, to be young and lively. If you leave now, you could have years and years of perfect ignorance, uninterrupted by those pesky reminders of death. You could have a life, and you’re wasting it.”

She touches her fingertips to the cool glass with a mystic look in her dark eyes.

“Mina?” she whispers.

“My name isn’t Mina.”

Or maybe it is. Might as well be, for all I know. I think I must’ve had a name once. Surely there was a word, a simple sound, some collection of syllables that meant I see you. Surely there had been someone to speak it and make it real in their mouth. But how should I know? And if such a person did exist, what does it matter now? I’m not a person anymore, I’m a thing that happened, a thing that’s happening still. I’m a box built to hold my history, filled up to the rafters with hurt and resentment. That’s as close as I get to living. If I could move independent of my dour walls like her, I think, I wouldn’t be wasting my time moldering in the darkness.

Ann shakes her head. “Silly. I’m being silly,” she tells herself. Looking up at the dim light fixed above her she adds, “I should probably check on that fuse box after all.”

She goes back down and opens the door to the basement. She flicks the switch on the wall a few times but that bulb's been long neglected. Even those who swear up and down they don’t fear the fables or superstition became suddenly shy when it comes to probing the deepest depths of this old house. Ann turns, presumably to seek out a flashlight, when her heel catches on one of the repairmen’s screws that had rolled loose. It’s not even my fault this time, technically.

Like some kind of morbid slapstick, her foot shoots out from under her and she stumbles backwards towards the open basement door. It’s a long drop that awaits her, followed by a fast end if she’s lucky. And I know well enough by now that she isn’t.

Without thinking, I push her. Instead of that foresworn drop down the basement stairs, Ann finds herself tripping backwards into the wall instead. She rights herself, takes in a sharp breath, and then releases it with a sigh. She’s dazed but unharmed. I find myself mirroring her relief.

She smiles. “Thank you,” she says.

Then she closes the door and walks away.

That has never happened to me before. Normally, to manifest, to have any direct impact on the physical world, I have to summon up a great deal of anger. That isn’t too hard for me; I’ve been angry a long time. But in that moment, I hadn’t been angry. I think I’d been afraid. For her safety? No, of course not. More likely I’d been worried she would leave behind a ghost and I’d be stuck with her invading my personal space for eternity. Still, I’d never… never done anything like that before. I’d never helped somebody. I suppose I’d assumed it couldn’t be done, even if I wanted to. Ghosts, spirits, malevolent spectral entities or whatever you like to call it, that’s not what we're for. That wasn’t what I did, until I did it.

I become aware of singing coming from the kitchen. The fool is never not singing or humming or whistling something. I know music; it’s not as if I’m totally uncultured. While I have no lungs nor lips to make sound, sometimes on a stormy night the wind whistles through my walls, each creak and moan playing for me the orchestra of slow degradation I’ve come to know well.

This is not that. This is… I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know the words. Is it too late, I wonder. I can’t. I’m not ready. Oh but if you can give me time, stranger, I think I want to learn your song too.

[twilightofthe]

Anakin Skywalker Has ADHD.  Here’s Why:

I’ve noticed during my time as a neurodivergent person in the Star Wars community that Anakin, a favorite character of mine, displays a lot of neurodivergent traits.  Other people have noticed this too; in particular, @bpdanakins has made a really in depth and detailed post explaining how Anakin having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) makes a whole lotta sense.  I’ve got ADHD, so this post is gonna be about how I as an ADHD individual see Anakin Skywalker as having ADHD too!!!

Note: Symptoms of ADHD include inability to focus and disorganization.  I have ADHD.  This post is gonna be a wee bit disorganized and I probs won’t be the best at citing a million sources cuz I do not have the mental focus to do that right now.  Thank ye.

So, what is ADHD? (Complicated.  The answer is complicated.) (If you don’t want the general ADHD lecture, just scroll down to where I start talking about Anakin particularly).

ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, is a neurological disorder that impairs the brain’s executive functions.  People with ADHD have trouble with impulse-control, focusing, and organization.  Basically, ADHD is a developmental weakness in how the brain manages itself.  I like to picture it like a filing cabinet.  Everyone else’s brain has a neatly sorted, labeled, and organized cabinet full of drawers that contain typical brain executive function commands.  ADHD people’s brains have a monkey in them that runs around screeching loudly, ripping labels off drawers, rearranging stuff, throwing the files everywhere, eating the papers and generally making a gigantic mess, so whatever you need to go to the drawers to look for something, it takes you ten times longer to find the mental command you need to do if it’s even still there-- and also the monkey is biting your leg the entire time.

People tend to say that this monkey infestation is a gift because sometimes, occasionally, the monkey will rearrange the papers in a different, special way that makes a beautiful picture that no one’s seen before and you can share it for the world to enjoy and everything’s great, you’re just quirky!  People tend to forget that it can be like that, but 90% of the time it’s more like the monkey has decided to take a massive shit all over the one specific paper you needed really badly and then put it in front of your foot so you step in it and don’t notice until people point out you’re tracking monkey shit paper everywhere.  Anyway.

ADHD is a complex condition and difficult to diagnose because it has so many different varying symptoms, and one person who has ADHD may experience none of the symptoms than another person who also has ADHD does and vice versa because there is a lot.  ADHD also tends to go unnoticed because it overlaps symptoms with a LOT of other mental illnesses an individual might have, so you might not even know you have ADHD if you’re also, say, autistic or bipolar, or again vice versa, because there’s a lot of “same hat” stuff going on there.  

ADHD also can have its own subcategories of mental illness that can also stand on their own, like ADHD-induced anxiety or ADHD-induced depression.  It can be really confusing to know everything going on in your head and put a label on it; for example for me, my doctors and I think I’ve got a separate anxiety disorder that works on its own that my ADHD makes worse, but that the depressive episodes I can suffer likely stem from my ADHD, and don’t need to be tackled individually or say that I have depression.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) has previously identified three subtypes of ADHD:

Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive type: Mainly have impulse control problems, tend to be impulsive, impatient, and interrupt others.  They fidget, hate sitting still/need to be in constant movement, tend to blurt out what’s on their mind or do what they feel like without thinking it through.  They’re constantly up with the thoughts in their head and have difficulty focusing on a single task unless they’re in hyperfocus mode (explaining more later)

Primarily Inattentive type:  Are easily distracted and forgetful.  Tend to be daydreamers who lose track of memories and personal items with regularity.

Primarily Combined type: Tend to display a mixture of both symptoms.  I was diagnosed as a child with the combined type but leaning more towards inattentive.

Anakin and Signs of ADHD:

SO.  For starters, I see Anakin as primarily combined type with heavy leanings toward hyperactive-impulsivity.  While this type is used to describe the stereotypical hyper little boy media tends to paint ADHD people as, adults can have it too and I see it a lot in Anakin.  ADHD magazine ADDitude gives examples of adults with h-i ADHD as people who find difficulty in waiting around for anything, interrupt others in conversation, make impulsive decisions, and have reckless driving skills.  Sound at all like someone we know?

Now Anakin absolutely checks all of the above boxes, but it’s way more than that, though.  I looked up Healthline’s basic signs and symptoms of Adult ADHD, and I am going to run down the list to show how basically all of them apply to Anakin Skywalker in one way or another.  Let’s begin!

Anakin and LACK OF FOCUS:  ADDitude suggests that saying ADHD people don’t have attention might be a bit misleading.  More accurately, ADHD people have tons of attention, we just can’t harness it in the right direction at the right time with any consistency.  In canon, it is made very clear to us very early on that Anakin has issues with some of the more spiritual aspects of Jedi training, like meditation, because he does not possess the focus necessary to concentrate.  We get other times when Anakin’s on missions with Obi Wan, where it is made clear Anakin has read the mission brief, but he hasn’t done a good job on it as he’s overlooked something.  He gets distracted while in diplomatic situations and Obi Wan needs to tell him to pay attention.  Palpatine is able to pull sketchy shit because he knows how to slip under Anakin’s radar while he’s not too focused on him.  Anakin isn’t always aware of his surroundings, seeing as how basically everyone who knows him knows about Padmé because he’s not good at being subtle; he’s not good at reading a room.  Canon has established that Anakin, while brilliant, has a very flighty attention span and unless it’s something that is deeply important to him or made glaringly obvious, his brain has a tendency to skip over it, and makes him less aware.

Anakin and HYPERFOCUS:  The flip side of ADHD focus issues.  While our brains don’t always want to pay attention to important rules or other peoples’ emotions or basically anything presented to us that we find boring in any shape or form, if we find something we like, we LATCH.  ON.  And we cannot stop concentrating on it, up until the point that we lose track of time and ignore others around us.  In canon, it is shown very easily what Anakin hyperfocuses on.  He’s described in several SW books and is shown in show and movies to completely go into a zone when in combat mode.  He’s good at it, he enjoys it, and saber skills is easily something that he can concentrate and get lost in.  Another obvious one is mechanics.  We see briefly in TCW and bits in the movies where when Anakin is fixing something or piloting something, he kind of drifts away from reality-- he’s got an ear on the situation if there’s danger of course, but he goes just solidly into Tech Mode where all he concentrates on is whatever he’s fixing/piloting at the moment, and that’s why he’s so skilled at what he does.  It’s also possible to hyperfocus on specific ideas or opinions, which you can see in basically every argument Anakin ever gets into with someone.  He’s like a dog with a bone on a topic he wants to discuss Right Now This Very Second and he will not let it go, nor will he allow you to either, because when we hyperfocus, our fixation can bleed into conversation until it takes control of the conversation, without us even knowing we’re doing it, so it can be surprising/embarrassing when someone points out we’re doing it. 

Anakin and DISORGANIZATION:  ADHD people basically struggle with organizational skills.  While we don’t see much of Anakin’s living spaces, we can see from the brief TCW snippets that his living quarters are a little cluttered.  However, he does run a relatively neat army-- though we don’t know how much of that has Rex, Ahsoka, Obi Wan, or someone else to thank for it.  In Anakin, most of the disorganization we see is in his mind.  Priorities can be an issue for ADHD people, and Anakin tends to prioritize the wrong thing at the wrong time at certain points.  He doesn’t always know what to say or how to say it, making him awkward and not very eloquent when speaking.

Anakin and TIME MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS: An issue that goes hand-in-hand with disorganization.  We have trouble using time effectively.  We procrastinate on things we don’t want to do, show up late, ignore things we consider boring, and the idea of the future or the past is overwhelming and or scary to us and can cause panic-- we need to focus on the now and the now alone because if we try to cross that bridge before we get to it, we might end up burning it.  All throughout TCW, we get Obi Wan in particular, but others as well, harping on Anakin for showing up late.  And, uh, he kinda does.  He makes it, he always does, but it’s always at the last minute just when everyone’s worried he’s not gonna show up.  He sometimes doesn’t go to important meetings.  He puts off paperwork.  Lots of people use all of this to make fun of him, be like “ah, he’s a bad Jedi, he’s lazy”, but like, that’s standard ADHD time management issues.  And fear of the future?  Hoo boy...  Anakin may handle his fears of the future in the literal worst way possible, but that overwhelming anxiety that everything’s rushing at you so fast and holy shit, you don’t have your shit together NOW, what the hell are you gonna do THEN, holy shit holy shit everyone’s gonna DIE PANIC PANIC DANGER PANIC--  Like, I get that.  I really do.  Fear of the future and inability to manage time overlap a lot.

Anakin and FORGETFULNESS:  ADHD have a tendency to forget important stuff, but here is where I remind y’all that not all ADHD people experience all the same symptoms, because Anakin actually has a really damn good memory.  Boy is sharp, he recalls really obscure stuff, and if you piss him off/do him a favor, he’s remembering that to his deathbed. Anakin, however, does display what is common in ADHD people, having a selective memory.  This goes hand in hand with our attention issues.  We remember what we focused on and that sticks in our mind: hopes, fears, interests, stuff like that.  Anything else?  Eh, if we didn’t notice it then, we’re not noticing it five years from then, or even five minutes from then.  That you can see in Anakin, where people like Ahsoka and Obi Wan have to teasingly remind him of important stuff that he tends to just shrug off like “oh yeah that thing that I didn’t care about then and don’t really care about now”, or he feels guilty cuz “oops I didn’t notice it then so now I’m lost”

Anakin and IMPULSIVITY: Aight y’all, this probably requires the least amount of explanation for Anakin Skywalker cuz the Star Wars narrative calls him impulsive like every ten seconds xD  ADHD people with impulsivity can be socially inappropriate (Anakin, always managing to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, king of escalating tense situations because he blurts out whatever he feels like), interrupt others (something Padmé and Ahsoka have both canonically called him on doing, he does it to plenty of others as well, Vader does it all the damn time by just force-choking people silent), rushing through tasks (”Oh Anakin, always on the move”.  He does not wait, he makes up plans as he goes, he’s constantly in motion), ACTING WITHOUT MUCH CONSIDERATION TO THE CONSEQUENCES (Examples: The entirety of Star Wars episodes 1-6, Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

Anakin and EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS: Alright, maybe THIS is the one that requires the least amount of explanation, haha.  ADHD peoples’ emotions seem constantly in flux.  We get bored easily and need constant entertainment. (Anakin running off doing crazy stuff seemingly for fun)  Small frustrations always feel like the end of the world because it takes over our entire brain. (Anakin being “overdramatic/overreacting”)  The slightest sense of rejection or negativity towards our ideas or anything we do can read as total hatred (this is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it SUCKS) so we’re oversensitive about criticism of basically anything.  RSD also means we’re paranoid that we’re not noticing other people’s emotions, so we always tend to worry everyone else hates us or our friends are going to leave us-- we have serious abandonment issues. (Basically all of Anakin worrying about the Jedi’s image of him, worrying about Padmé and Obi Wan loving him, freaking out over Ahsoka leaving, etc.)  Our mind is focusing on a million things at once so our emotions run super quickly, causing what looks like mood swings because in the time it takes someone to get surprised, we’ve already gone through surprise, confusion, realization, betrayal, fury, and sadness and are now “randomly” crying in front of you (Anakin and his mood swings).  Focus issues make us not realize that something we’re doing is upsetting/bothering someone unless they flat out say it, so we may seem mean/inconsiderate/careless (ok, not excusing that part of Anakin’s personality is that he’s just kind of a dick lol, but other stuff that he does seems accidental; he doesn’t want to hurt anyone he loves).

Anakin and POOR SELF-IMAGE:  HOOOO BOY THIS IS GONNA BE FUN!  So adults with ADHD are often hypercritical of themselves, which can lead to a poor self-image.  I do this a lot, and I can’t really explain why, just that I am frustrated with myself and need validation from outside sources.  Anakin verbally expresses this to Padmé and Palpatine in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith especially with all his “I’m not the Jedi I’m supposed to be” bits, how he constantly puts pressure on himself in the novels to be “the very best, I have to be better than everyone, I SHOULD be”, the conflict with that Chosen One label and whether he believes it or not and the pressure he feels from others to fulfill it, to be the Hero With No Fear when he’s fucking terrified all the time.  He’s relentlessly hard on himself for his failures and is always looking for an insult in others’ words (Like if Obi Wan gives him gentle concrit, Anakin will subconsciously tear it apart to turn it into how Obi Wan has found an error with all of him and hates him and Anakin sucks). For all his pride in his abilities, Anakin really does not like himself, poor dear, and seeks outside validation in Padmé, Palpatine, and Obi Wan.

Anakin and LACK OF MOTIVATION: Also ties back to focus issues again, if we don’t like it, our brain won’t focus on it, and we can’t convince ourselves to do it.  We can see this in times where Anakin has to be gently (or not so gently) prodded by Obi Wan or Ahsoka or someone into doing some Jedi business Anakin considers annoying.

Anakin and RESTLESSNESS AND ANXIETY: It’s described as our “motor won’t shut off”.  We always need to keep moving and doing things, and we get frustrated when we can’t do something immediately.  There are also bodily tics with fidgeting or frequent hand movements.  We see this several times with Anakin during wartime, where he’s practically vibrating over having to play the long waiting game instead of rushing in and getting the job done immediately (See: on Naboo where Anakin is pacing a hole into the floor and Obi Wan is telling him to kindly chill pls).  Part of his issues in ROTS happen when he’s worked himself up into a frenzy over sitting not knowing what to do over what’s scaring him so he jumps the gun and goes with the first available (awful) option.  I don’t remember if this is Hayden or if this is me projecting, sorry, but I always feel that when I watch Hayden in the movies, he always portrays Anakin as vaguely squirmy/fidgety, not really ever sitting PERFECTLY still, like he’s always moving some body part, fiddling with something in his hands or on his clothes.  In TCW and the OT especially, we see how hand-wavey he is when he talks, especially when he’s pissed, then the Finger Wag Of Doom comes out, but his hands are ALWAYS in motion.

Anakin and FATIGUE: It’s as the word describes it, we feel tired.  All the craziness in our head is overwhelming and we just.  Feel.  Tired.  We don’t see this as clearly in Anakin because all the Jedi seem fatigued, they’re fighting a fucking hopeless war, but it’s definitely there.  He has sleeping problems with his dreams and nightmares that spawn from his anxiety that could easily be ADHD-induced; they’re there.

Anakin and HEALTH PROBLEMS: Long story short, it’s basically all your ADHD issues making you neglect to take care of yourself.  We see how Anakin has unhealthy coping mechanisms, neglects sleep, and throws himself into reckless, dangerous situations.  He does not take care of himself very well at all.

Anakin and RELATIONSHIP ISSUES:  Ruh roh...  Aight, so all of the symptoms above can very obviously prove to be hurdles in professional, romantic, or platonic situations.  We can see how all the above examples in Anakin have in one way or another caused an argument between himself and basically everyone he loves (Obi Wan, Padmé, Ahsoka), people he has to work with (the Jedi council, anyone he gets assigned to on a mission), and anyone else.  He’s not called a human disaster for no reason, his actions can make him rub people very much the wrong way, and being kind of lonely and awkward and with not many friends is unfortunately a common occurrence in the lives of ADHD people (It happened to me, and I would consider myself much more of a pleasant individual than Anakin (no offense, hon), other people who met me just thought I was “strange” and that was that).

WHEW.  So yes, all of the above state my reasons why I think Anakin Skywalker has ADHD (as well as anxiety, but that’s another post).  Please remember once more that these are MY EXPERIENCES AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH ADHD and that once again, NOT ALL ADHD PEOPLE SHARE THE SAME EXPERIENCES/SYMPTOMS

I will give the two articles I bothered fact-checking with below, the one from Healthline and from ADDitude

If y’all wanna talk more about ADHD!Anakin or any other ADHD Star Wars characters or just neurodivergent Star Wars character headcanons with me, my inbox and DM’s are always open, I love talking about this!!!!!!!!!

[messrmrcuder]

Neurodiverse Remus Lupin

And his loving boyfriend who helps deal with his shit though these are mainly Remus centric w some Sirius

So basically Remus has ADHD, which is a hyperactivity disorder but there’s much more than that so here’s a few of my glorious neuroatypical Remus Lupin and his boyfriend headcanons

Sure, Remus is quiet but he talks REALLY fast; to the point that it’s so hard to understand him and he usually has to repeat his words A LOT

Remus chews on literally anything. Pencils, necklaces, jumpers (both his and Sirius’), even his fingers. So Sirius buys him a rubber stimming necklaces, in high hopes that he’ll stop “eating” things that aren’t meant for his mouth. Remus wears it but forgets he has it so he still chews on things besides the necklace.

Sometimes Remus chews on his nail beds and cuticles and it makes him bleed so Sirius now covers his fingers in band-aids to make sure he doesn’t break skin and it’s the sweetest thing ever.

Remus cannot sit through a movie at all but the boy can read for hours on end. The apocalypse could be happening and Remus will kindly sit on his bed and read an entire book series that’s like 10 books long in one single sitting and the other boys just watch and question on how the hell he does this.

Hyperfixates on his ADHD? Hyperfixates on his ADHD

Remus seems to be really quiet and timid in public but if just him and the boys, he’s like, the loudest one out of the entire group. When Lily was finally apart of their little group, she was, well, safe to say she was definitely taken back by Remus’ amount of PURE ENERGY.

You never know what’s going on in his head. It’s like a computer with a million tabs open at once

Remus has meds but forgets to take them all the time. Sirius had to remind him nearly every day and Remus is just like “oh, fuck me”

Sirius just like, has to manage Remus’ days sometimes because Remus has no routine (besides his lycanthropy, which he even forgets sometimes, and he’s practically been like that his whole life)

“Uh, Siri... I can’t find my keys.”

“... Remus, babe, honey, the love of my life... they’re on your wrist.”

Remus accidentally insulting someone because it’s the first thing that came to his mind when greeting them.

Time management? Haha who’s she? Remus doesn’t know her

Shockingly does work last minute, and finishes on time and passes.

ok but Remus hyperfixating on the stupidest shit like idk rocks

How many pencils has Sirius taken away from Remus because they’re literally chewed apart? dunno, lost count a long time ago

Sirius totally allows Remus to play with his hands and hair to keep him busy, especially if they’re waiting for something or together during a really boring lecture. Sirius thinks it’s quite adorable seeing his boyfriend so focused on his hands (or hair).

Stim. Stim. Stim.

Remus stims a lot listening to music, especially if it’s one of those punk rock bands Sirius likes listening to. Serotonin hath been provided for the boy and Sirius (because his short happy werewolf boyfriend is just, *chef’s kiss*) But like sometimes he does these little nose twitches (which are more like tics rather than a stim) or Remus bouncing or swinging his feet when he’s in chair like a five year old kid who’s eaten the entire candy jar.

Arm flappy thing when he gets really excited. There was a time when Sirius and Remus were on a road trip and omg their song came on and Remus was doing the flappy arms because he was so happy as he practically screamed the lyrics.

Remus, rambling about his current hyperfixation, and Sirius, merely admiring his adorable ass boyfriend who’s currently obsessing over whales.

Even though sensory things are more related to autism spectrum disorder (ASD), some people with ADHD can be like that too and Remus definitely is one of those see people. Example, he chews ice really loudly at three am simply because of the way it feels when he does it.

Remus tries his hardest to be quiet in public. Like the fear of people getting angry because he’s very much so a handful and could be labeled as “annoying” to many people and he would rather not upset anyone for being too loud. But he’s containing a lot of energy so sometimes it’s near impossible or he’s bursting with it as soon as he’s away from the public. (Sirius loves seeing him all excited and happy but hates seeing him feeling all down in public so they don’t actually go out often)

Some people think Remus is cool and ADHD is absolutely like, amazing and quirky but it’s a big struggle in his daily life, and affects him more than others think.

There’s these small things he does that Sirius finds cute but others have no shame in bringing Remus down for it, you know, being the ablist pricks they are.

Remus having to explain to some that there’s more to his ADHD than the hyperactivity because some asses just don’t understand and it’s tiresome because people don’t realise not everyone’s ADHD is the same (nor does it fit society’s idea of it)

Remus hates his ADHD so much; wishing he was normal and not just, broken

Sirius knows of his insecurities, showering the boy in many, many compliments and letting him know that Remus is just okay the way that he is.

Remus halfly believing in them because he knows Sirius is right but there’s still a chance Sirius is lying about it.

Sirius is the supportive boyfriend that Remus always needs. Remus having bad thoughts? Not on Sirius’ watch; not while he’s still living and breathing.

Remus’ ADHD being more than just “crackhead” energy because that’s not what it is

**Most of these are things I do and experience as someone with ADHD**

[firjii]

Boomers are autistic/ADHD too

Yanno what I’m just saying it and maybe I’ll get called a traitor or whatever but that doesn’t stop this from being a distinct possibility: there’s a lot of untreated, undiagnosed, unacknowledged ADHD and autism among boomers. I notice it every single day and I can’t believe more people don’t talk about it.

Stay with me because this gets long.

They didn’t know shit for shit about the brain when boomers were children. Hyper or “disobedient” children were beaten or given some other utterly useless and frequently detrimental punishment. Institutionalization was considered totally acceptable in moderately severe autism cases. Therapy as we know it was typically reserved for people who were so cripplingly traumatized in some way that there was literally no other choice. It was usually damage control after the fact, not intervention.

Yes, autism and ADHD have some form of research history spanning several centuries, but your average regular person didn’t know that (and still doesn’t always, since the 20th century is often egregiously known as the century of “new” medical “fads”). Your average doctor didn’t necessarily know about it. It was a relatively fringe topic, so not all psychiatrists/psychologists learned it because it was a blip (or nothing) on the syllabus unless maybe you were specializing in children or developmental disabilities (and there......really weren’t a lot of either such specialist up to a certain point :///).

Everyone else affected by it but deemed functional or marriable enough to try living in the world just dealt with it, for better and worse. Many of the blatantly obvious signs we now use for diagnosis were lumped in as a personality type/trait at best or an intelligence marker at worst.

And I get where that comes from......sort of. Brian is a persistently loud talker, Amy is deeply claustrophobic, Sam gets nervous easier than some other people, Alex needs a tiny bit more time to hand copy an address. Who is ND on closer investigation? Maybe all, maybe none. You can show a few signs without them being part of a big dire diagnosis conspiracy. Far be it for me to try to call someone something they’re not.

But given how many people are disregarded or misdiagnosed in general for anything medically-related whatsoever, it’s too easy to use that line of thought to dismiss a legitimate case or just plain avoid a problem. 

Some affected boomers thrived and found careers that valued (and even normalized!!)  hyperfocusing, attention to detail, channeled hyperactivity, etc. (LOOKIN AT YOU, COMPUTER ENGINEERS AND VARIOUS TECHIE INVENTORS). Some of them had/have somewhat chaotic or strained home lives, but for all intents and purposes, they do or have done at least some of what they wanted to in life.

But many others didn’t. Think about all the kids who were called “unteachable” so they barely finished high school (for fuck’s sake it was hard to even get humane tutoring for dyslexia), could barely ever keep a job, and in some cases weren’t truly prepared for having kids because they struggled to take care of themselves as it was.

Think about the stay-at-home moms who turned into lowkey addicts or alcoholics to escape feelings of uselessness/insignificance simply because sometimes they forgot to or couldn’t do something that day and everyone around them shamed them about all those little things for years or decades. We like to joke about yuppy drunks (and yes that was/is a real problem), but it wasn’t always about disgusting social habits.

Many of that generation blames the problems they’re dealing with right now on age, and that’s a close enough approximation in practice that a lot of people don’t dispute it. To be fair, age does really do that shit to people: you forget things easier, you can’t always finish a task but you’re not sure why, you don’t always have the energy you want/need, etc. Sometimes age is just age.

But I remember differently. I remember seeing those things because I was dealing with them too and couldn’t understand why the grownups were so upset at themselves when actually mistake XYZ wasn’t really a huge crisis and wasn’t a big deal – because there were double standards, both external and self-imposed. No one questioned them much with me – a small child at the time – but they were a big shitting deal when it came to an outwardly functional adult. I remember all the oddities, quirks, and problems that these people were dealing with as young as their late 30s in some cases.

That’s not age, it’s a goddamn brain issue. Age is now complicating things, yes. But so many want to pretend that they were completely normal before they turned 50 or 60 or whatever, at which point they promptly and swiftly had an overnight change. That’s not fair to anyone. It’s emotionally ruthless and medically sloppy, and yet a lot of them go on believing it anyway.

I genuinely feel that this is a reason why some boomers are so baffled or disbelieving of ND issues in their own kids and their kids’ kids. They can sometimes see younger generations’ problems in their own lives and even relate to them, but they’re so used to it – and in many cases, got zero help in learning how to manage it – that they don’t get what the big deal is about shoehorning people into miserable, unhealthy, or borderline hazardous life patterns. They assume that the massive struggle, intense frustration, and subsequent other negative health side effects are just….part of life and you either sink or swim.

And I…....kinda get that mentality because putting stock in “no excuses” does push some people to do better?? And yes you should be mindful of self-imposed excuses stopping you from doing things??

But now that overall lack of acknowledgement means that we have multiple generations who still default to believing that most of their problems are solely voluntary and conscious decisions, always and exclusively their own fault, something that they “could” just walk away from forever if they “chose” to.

We have multiple generations who still assume that they’re alone in their problems and even that they kind of deserve shitty or abusive behavior from others because they’re “bad” and “should have seen it coming” or “need to smarten up.”

We have children and grown-ass adults alike who are totally unprepared to deal with lifelong problems on top of things like broken economies and increasingly demanding neurotypicals’ social standards (because yeah, even though us younger folks warmly welcome things like the shift from calling to texting, that can still reach absurd levels of maintenance and anxiety because now the older generations assume that just because a few people are extremely “with it” that the rest of us are too).

And all because some people are so terrified of labels that they’re also willing to totally deny the existence of some very real medical stuff even though they themselves might be dealing with it.

I’m not trying to excuse crappy parents, bad home environments, bad education experiences, or anything else negative. I’m also not trying to blame all of psychology’s faults on one generation.

I’m just saying that it’s not that surprising if you really stop and think about it.

Psychology and neurology have come a long way in a fairly short time (granted it still needs to go much further, but at least we’ve started) and it kinda makes you wonder if things would be different now if our parents and grandparents had known then what we know now.

ASD doesn’t have an age limit. Just because it’s close to impossible for some people (especially borderlines and maskers) to get a formal diagnosis once they’re legal adults doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, or 80. It’s more a question of whether anyone bothers to, well...ask questions.

So yes, some people are just unapologetic assholes who don’t want to hear the truth or entertain any notions other than their own, even after being presented with hard evidence. They’re obsessed with normality, sometimes to the point of fetishization. Fuck them entirely, I agree.

But don’t assume that the younger generations own the copyright on neurodivergency. We just happen to live in a time when it’s starting to be less deniable so some of us can take action sooner to deal with it.

[secretradiobrooklyn]

Shroud of Pigeon | 12.5.20

Secret Radio | 12.5.20 | Hear it here.

1. Yos Olarang - title unknown

This is a real score in my book. Generally known as Yol Aularon, this guy is Cambodia’s greatest rock musician, turning out garage rock that knows no equal in America or anywhere else, in my opinion. I tracked down this song on a tape attributed to “Yol Aularon” which includes his big hit, “Cyclo,” but also this song which I haven’t heard on any other collections. Honestly, though, I may yet run across it in a prominent collection, because I have no way of figuring out the title — every bit of the text I can find is in Cambodian. In any case, we LOVE this track! It’s almost like a catalog of Olarang’s laughs: there’s a merry snort, a giggle, and a malevolent cackle all built into the melody. I believe he’s the blazing lead guitarist as well. It’s just such a perfect gem of pure rock energy.

2. Gedou - “Scent” (I think)

Speaking of pure rock energy — DAMN, SAM! This was our introduction to Gedou, a blasting burst of Japanese glam rock whose costumes match the sounds you hear here. These guys were only originally active from ’73-’76, and then got back together sporadically after that; I believe this is from that original lineup. It’s well worth it to check the live video that this comes from. It’s an electric thrill just to see them leaning back to back, singing into the same mic, doing kicks and losing their minds in shining kimonos and silk hiphuggers. It feels like a Japanese MC5 whose wardrobe directly influenced David Bowie. One note I read says that they were popular with Japanese biker gangs at the time — and there are certainly bikes aplenty in the video. I’m looking forward to finding out more about the impact they had in Japan, and whether they made an impression in the rest of the world. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHfBhJsqrD8

3. Clothilde - “Saperlipopette”

What a strange little slab of chamber pop! Clothilde was barely even a one-hit wonder in France — she released two 45s in 1967 and, as far as I know, that was it. But what a song! It’s like a vanful of pop records crashed into a classical instrument shop. I especially dig the xylophone or whatever that is back there — hardly necessary given the hyperactive harpsichord, but it takes the poppy flavor right over the top. So many bands have tried to get to this level of fizz, but I’ve never heard it succeed like this!

- King Kong - “Ten Long Years”

Slint is one of indie rock’s most unimpeachably cool bands, which makes the silliness of King Kong all the more endearing. Band leader Ethan Buckler was the original bassist in Slint, and all of the Slint lineup got into the act at one point or another. In 1995 Drag City released King Kong’s “Me Hungry,” a sort of funky concept album about a caveman, his yak, and an inhospitable world. Sean Nelson and I spent many not-sober nights enjoying that record — “I push em out, I push em out” — and got to see them play the Crocodile Cafe. I definitely remember appreciating how groovy King Kong was, like Neanderthal B-52s. Butler even looked a bit like a shaved caver. 

4. Star Feminine Band - “Femme Africaine”

Born Bad is our new favorite label, right up there with Analog Africa. They’re based in France, and release music both archival and new. Star Feminine Band is based in Benin, home to so much of our favorite music. It’s definitely worth watching the video for this song just to see how young and full of potential the girls in the band are. They were assembled in a School of Rock sort of situation, taught to play instruments and encouraged to write lyrics. The lyrics of this song are so directly uplifting it’s enough to put a lump in the throat. Meanwhile, the music is such a pleasure to listen to! The whole album is full of good stuff, but this song is pretty much their theme song. It translates to: 

“Oh woman, African woman

Oh woman, Beninese woman

Black woman, get up, don't sleep

You can become president of the republic

You can become prime minister of the country

Get up, something must be done

African woman, be independent

The country needs us, go to school

Africa needs you, you have to work

The world needs us, let's stand up we'll defend

African woman, be independent”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdDp6VAXXbk

5. Young Signorino - “Mmh Ha Ha Ha”

A few years ago a friend posted the video for this song on FB with a note that was like, “Ever see something you should hate but you can’t stop watching?” I watched it, watched it again… and watched it again. It eventually slipped out of my mind, but I was thrilled to remember it the other day in the context of WBFF. The song’s language, such as it is, is Italian, but it also just fits perfectly into the post-language mix that has been turning our cranks lately. I’m really glad to get a chance to present it here first as a piece of music, because the video really affects the experience. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9bf4PT-aEk

6. Yura Yura Teikoku - ゆらゆら帝国で考え中  “Yura Yura Keikoku de Kangaechuu” (I think?)

This is another sweet find in a broadcast full of em! Yura Yura Teikoku is a trio formed in 1989 and have a huge rep in Japan as a psychedelic band, but apparently by 2000 they were crafting super-awesome pop songs that rocked hard. The video of this song features a singer with adorably mussed hair and a striped shirt against an orange background, looking super hip and on top of the world. From what I’ve read they were gigantic in Japan but utterly unknown outside, which changed a bit when they played New York in 2007 and again a year later, to packed houses. But that didn’t seem to do the trick, and they finally broke up in 2010. They have several good songs from this period, but this one, from a three-song 45, is the one that has hooked us the hardest so far. We can’t seem to find out even what the song title is, but as far as I can tell the band’s name translates to The Wobbling Empire, and the song title is “Thinking in the Wobbling Empire.” It’s bizarre to us that this kind of hip tight rock didn’t find a way into the bigger world… but I guess singing in Japanese was the deciding factor. Really glad to have uncovered it though!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9CM44MohAs

7. Can - “Mother Sky”

I know a lot of bigger Can fans than me, but this track has so much of what we love in the drones, the freakouts, the lockdowns, the Engl-ish vocals, the long climb towards the climax… it feels sometimes like flying, sometimes like swimming, sometimes like burrowing deeper and deeper downwards.

8. Señor Coconut - “Showroom Dummies”

Can and Kraftwerk share enough DNA that they seem like a natural pairing. But… Señor Coconut’s version of this classic track of “Trans-Europe Express” is honestly my preferred version of the song. It sounds so sincere and strange, and I find myself thinking about the lives of mannequins even as I also hear the palm leaves switching in the breeze. The album “El Baile Aleman” — “German Dance” — was released in 1999, and apparently Kraftwerk was fine with it. Thank goodness. 

- Lithics - “A Highly Textured Ceiling”

Every time I hear this track I think of Six Finger Satellite’s “The Pigeon Is the Most Popular Bird,” a crucial album for me. I learned about all of these tones for the first time from that record. I’ma write more about this band in a sec, when they show back up. 

9. Schwervon! - “American Idle” 

Years ago Mike Appelstein hipped us to Schwervon!, a two-piece band who were about to make the opposite journey of our own eventual path, moving from NYC to Missouri — in their case Kansas City. They turned out to be lovely individuals and an instant favorite band, and we hosted them whenever they came through STL. Their album “Courage” plays like a lost ’90s classic, and “American Idle” is one of the best tracks on there. The production of the album, by Matt Mason, is straight-up enviable. As is so often the case, good people have good friends, and they led us to Jeffrey Lewis, who has been a pleasure to get to know better since we made our own way east last year. I don’t think Matt and Nan are writing songs together anymore, but we’re glad that they did. 

10. Boney M. - “Rasputin”

I saw this song peeking at me from my computer now and then, but didn’t check it out til recently. What a complete banger! The lyrics are absolutely fantastic — “Rah! Rah! Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine, it was a shame how he carried on!” — but so is the production… and the video, for that matter. Apparently this was a hit track in 1978. I’ve spent most of my life avoiding disco, though, so I had no idea. I love how the narrative weight shifts from the lead male voice to the chorus voices. It’s such a strange read of Rasputin’s life and death — the unkillable Casanova of Russia!

11. Rafaella Carrá - “Festa”

Did I mention that I used to hate disco? Well, this is my big comeup. We’ve been dabbling in disco on WBFF here and there, but this pairing is meant strictly for the dancefloor! This is the original Italian version, but Carrá became a massive hit in Spain and recorded most of her songs in Spanish as well. Obviously, the Spanish influence is strong in this song’s amazing flamenco claps and trumpet passages. 

12. T.P. Orchestre Poly-Rythmo de Cotonou Benin et Loko Pierre - “Djo Mi Do”

There’s nowhere to go from disco but back to our prime fascination: Tout Puissant! This album is a collaboration with saxophonist Loko Pierre, and every track hits hard. But this track’s chorus, “djo mi do, djo mi do!” is such a gotdamn hook! This band continues to surprise and reward the deeper we dig into their catalog, and I feel like we’re still just getting started. So funky and fresh every time.

The chorus makes me think of a song we first heard on KDHX about a decade ago — “Dominos,” by The Big Pink. I really liked the hook of the song but loathed the cold-blooded lyrics, so I found myself hating it. You know how it is. I’m really glad to find a song that can replace it in my head — and it’s a way better song!

13. Bruno Leys - “Hallucinations”

Credit to Born Bad records once again for this song. It’s a true rarity. Bruno Leys fell in with some fellow students in Paris in 1967 including a guy named Emmanuel Pairault, who was obsessed with an instrument called the ondes Martenot, which is a very very early electronic instrument that works a little like a theremin — though it’s played by wearing a ring on one finger and sliding it along a wire, depressing the wire to change the note — but has a crazy range of sounds. The instrumental hook in this song, as well as the backing notes, are on the onde Martenot. Leys co-wrote and recorded four songs with the band, they got signed up with a label, released a 7”, then he had to leave for compulsory military service… and by the time he got back two years later there was no band and no label. The 7” was practically unobtainable til this year, when Born Bad records finally released it anew. I hope Leys is still alive to appreciate that it finally made its way into the world!

- The Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

14. Troubadour Dali - “Spirit of ’67”

Oh, Troubadour… Sleepy Kitty shared a label with Troubadour Dali for several years, and we were big fans of their whirling swirling psychedelia. They had a couple of chicks (I think they’d approve of the word) projecting old-school colored oil-and-water light effects on the band, and when they were on, they looked and felt like the greatest band in the land. Troubadour went through an impressive number of players over the years, and there was generally some sort of drama or mayhem going on — not too surprising for a band who loved Brian Jonestown Massacre. The main songwriter was a lanky, handsome fella named Ben, though there were also great songs by Kevin and, every once in a great while, a powerful contribution by a quiet, snappy dresser named Benjamin. Benjamin apparently put this recording together entirely on his own. When he showed it to the band they flipped out — it’s obviously a winner — and they quickly got together a live version of it. Man, it tore the house down every time. At some point, though, in the midst of some of that drama, Benjamin started to kind of slip sideways out of the band. As they were finishing up their second full length, he declined to let the band record this song, or to make the demo available, despite their pleas. Eventually they went forward without it, and I don’t know what happened to Benjamin but I do know that Paige happened to rediscover her copy of “Spirit of ‘67″ recently, tucked into a stack of burned CDs. We’re very glad to get to drop this very special song into this secret radio mix.

- The Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

Rare Italian instrumental noodles from the mid ’70s.

15. The Velvet Underground - “After Hours”

*Not ruined. Affected, but not ruined. She said so. 

16. Jean Cussac in “Le Livre de la Jungle” - “Etre un homme comme vous”

One musical adventure we’ve really enjoyed is checking out familiar musicals in unfamiliar tongues. And though you may not think of Disney’s “Jungle Book” as a musical, you’d be mistaken. This version of “I Want to Be Like You” is a particular delight. It plays straight with the original, but the presence of the French language inflects the rhythms with a Parisian flavor that I’d never noticed before.

17. Duch Kim Hak - “Neary Sok Khley”

Another hit from the Cambodian treasure chest. Paige noted as we listened the first time, “This one has good chords,” and we took to referring to it as Cambodian ska. I think it’s meant to be a simple twist song, but there’s a royal quality to the chords that really puts it above a straightforward dance novelty. And his vocal delivery is ace!

18. The Fall - “Terry Waite Sez”

Not much needed on this one! This is one in a host of classics from 1986’s “Bend Sinister.” The Brix E. period of The Fall is just the BEST. 

19. Twiggy - “When I Think of You”

Paige: “I was made aware of this record by The Deccas [a band she briefly sang with in Chicago]. They knew every single girl group song that had ever been recorded. This was the same band where the guy who was obsessed with Scott Walker and looked like him and his house was very /60s and he had a word processor. I didn’t even know what a word processor was. That’s unrelated to this song though. She’s one of the great singing models — and maybe next week we’ll play another one. There are three known.”

- Psycheground Group - “Psycheground”

20. Hallelujah Chicken Run Band - “Alikulila” 

SO happy to have this album on vinyl at last! It was just released in this format, and Analog Africa is always so good at including notes about the album’s genesis. These guys are from Zambia, and they pioneered the translation of mbira parts into guitar parts, while writing these amazing songs that I’ve never heard anything like. Except for one. One of their songs sounds a bit like a Bound Stems song. Which is weird, because obviously we’d never heard them when we wrote “Cloak of Blue Sky.” It just proves to me that they were both way ahead of their time and working in an idiom that could and should be hit music today. It sounds so alive and creative and insightful, like good indie rock should. 

21. Lithics - “Snake Tattoo / Twisting Vine”

Lithics is one of my favorite contemporary bands. They played Foam in St. Louis like five years ago, right after I’d discovered their existence via the excellent album “Borrowed Floors.” Foam was a tiny little club that fit maybe 50 people and was sure to go apeshit for this show. I was SO psyched to be there… but the night of, we couldn’t get out because we were staying out in the Illinois woods and it was snowing enough to make the return trip too treacherous. As much as that’s one of the main shows of my life I wish I’d seen, I’m glad that Brad got to see them and tell me about it later. I hope I can catch them in NYC.

22. Sunny Blacks Band - “Mission spéciale”

OK, I admit that I’m obsessed with Melome Clement — or Meloclem, as he is known by some in Benin. He’s the composer of hundreds of T.P. Orchestre songs, and I’ve written about him a ton. I know he plays some horns and I believe he plays the slashing guitar that you hear in this track. I don’t think that’s him singing but I’m not sure; his voice is very malleable. Sunny Blacks Band is the group he was playing with when the T.P. Orchestre guys found him. It’s hard music to track down, but I love how much it rocks — or “jerks,” as they said at the time. We’ve also played the track “Holonon Die” on here and it jerks too, with an extended, wild electric guitar solo over pulsing trap and hand drums. What a freakin powerhouse Meloclem is.

23. Betti-Betti - “La Vie de Bettie Bettie Chanteuse Camerounaise”

This recording is a beautiful mystery. It appears in a film called “Badiaga,” which I encountered while looking for music by Betti-Betti, a superstar within her nation of Cameroon. This comes from one of the final scenes in the movie. There are different summations of the film (we don’t understand the language of the film itself), but apparently the story is “inspired by” the story of Betti-Betti, who was discovered as a child wandering in a marketplace, brought up extremely poor and eventually sang (a cappella?) on the radio, whereupon she became an instant success. She played constant shows and played with many of the region’s heaviest hitters, including T.P. Orchestre (they recorded an album together, which is how we found out about her). As for this recording — I don’t know if this is sung by Betti-Betti or by the actress playing her. And I don’t know the male character singing alongside her, though I’m guessing he’s a real-life music figure himself. It’s a beautiful duet, rich with feeling, and the performance footage throughout the movie is electrifying. 

P.S. This film is also how I found out about Eko Roosevelt, whose “Me To a Dey My Own” is an epic upbeat number we’ve played on WBFF!

24. Guided By Voices - “The Goldheart Mountaintop Queen Directory”

A perfect song, meant for the opposite of social distancing: to be sung full-bore in a crowd with one’s arms slung around sweating strangers, straight into the face of the band (I’ll be the one hooting the recorder part). This is how legends are made. 

 - Janko Nilovic & Soul Surfers - “Maze of Sounds”

I love the bass part on this album as much as the album artwork, which we will surely have included somewhere around here. This guy’s story is pretty interesting: he was born in Istanbul to a Montenegrin father and Greek mother, and his career started by working with French singer Davy Jones (but not THAT Davy Jones) in 1967. He got into recording for sound libraries, working in soul and funk and psych music, gained a serious composing rep and eventually, maybe inevitably, his music started getting sampled by the likes of Dr. Dre and Jay Z. Not bad, not bad!

25. Gnonnas Pedro et Ses Dadjes - “La Musica en Verité”

Maybe someday we’ll release the version of this song that we recorded in the early days of the pandemic. This is the final track (if not the final song) on the immortal “Legends of Benin” album on Analog Africa. My favorite aspect is how the guitar plays the same mesmerizing piece throughout, but the percussion evolves over the course of the song until it has gradually changed completely. It’s a subtle dynamic but it’s a master clinic in how to run a drone song the right way. Also, that organ part is just beautiful.

[kucheek]

I Gave A Homeless Man A Home

[PART 2] ~pending

requested: yes! this was also the imagine out of the last three that got the most notes, so as promised, I’ll finish out writing out this video. maybe not all at the same time bc i have a few more requests to start.

request: LOVE YOUU

Hi!!! Can you please do imagines/ a series based on mrbeast videos where the reader is in a relationship with jimmy so basically fluff?❤️ Btw I love your work!!

pairing: mrbeast aka jimmy x reader

// Yeah, super late haha but with school, work, and other circumstances, I don’t have too much time to write. BUT, I’m making as much time as possible. If anyone has any requests, feel free to send them in or just words of encouragement which i love v v v much! They do motivate me very much to get off my butt and write.   //

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

“Is it going to fit?” You bit the side of your cheek, looking at the TV measurements. “What are the wall measurements?” You glanced up, all the boys staring at you blankly. “...did anyone take the measurements?”

“Y/N, we’re professionals.” Chris frowned. “of course we didn’t.”

“Maybe we should call Chandler and ask if he even wants a TV?” Jimmy suggested, already pulling out his phone. You drew your eyebrows together and huffed. “how is that going to help? Even if he wants to get the TV, which he will, how are we going to know it’s going to fit?”

Jimmy waved off your logic. “let’s see if he wants this...” He quickly put the phone on speaker and after a few seconds, Chandler answered, “hey, what’s up?”

“Hey, do you think he wants this TV?” A few seconds passed without an answer and just as you were going to say something, Jimmy spoke quickly before hanging up, “alright, we’ll get it.”

Your eyes widened. “Jimmy-”

“It’s fine, it’ll fit.” He assured you, patting the top of your head in what you assumed he thought was comforting, but at the moment, you found incredibly patronizing.

You gave him the dullest look you could muster, “how do you know? You didn’t measure the ‘freakin wall.” In the background, Garrett and Chris were moving the TV onto the cart, when Chris spotted the TV stands set right next to them, “hey, TV stands!”

“Jesus Christ.” You mumbled, crossing your arms. You should’ve measured the wall. Assuming the guys had done it while they were going around the house, pointing at things that they needed to replace and buy, was obviously a bad call.

Turning back to face Jimmy and ready to argue, he had already noticed your sour mood. He smiled lightly, and poked at the sides of your mouth, “come on, turn that frown,” he moved his fingers up to try and make you smile, “upside down.”

You felt a crack in your angry front and swatted his hands away, “I’m still peeved that you didn’t measure the wall.”

“It’s going to be fine. It’s just a wall,” he dismissed, moving his hand to pat your head again. “Fine,” you sighed, “but when the TV doesn’t fit and the refrigerator is too big, I’m going to say I told you so.” Just as he was going to respond, Chris called you over to look at the TV stands that he had been sifting through.

“If we get him a nice TV, we got to get him a nice TV stand, right?”

At this point, you just resigned the idea that we were actually going to think through any of these purchases.

Checking out was a quick process that you were grateful for and you were finally on your way to Walmart, your final destination of the day.

-o-o-o-o-o

“We should just go through the aisles and get things as we go,” you suggested, crossing your arms on the handle of the Walmart cart, moving it forward through the entrance.

“We need toilet paper.” “Are we going clothes shopping too?” “Can we get strawberries while we’re here? They’re on sale, look.”

After trying to make everyone on the same page, you gave up and just moved forward on your own, everyone trailing behind you like ducks. You felt a little like an overexerted mother, with three hyperactive children when shopping with the guys. Weaving through a few aisles, you made it towards the paper towels and toilet paper-esque aisle. You were looking at the prices when you felt a jostle. Chris and Garrett were throwing things into the cart, you laughed slightly and moved the cart backward causing the toilet paper to fall on the ground.

“Saboteur,” Chris said loudly, pointing at you, “Jimmy, she’s cheating!”

“You’re cheating!” Jimmy grabbed a toilet paper pack and threw it at an unsuspecting Chris. “ah, why?!”

Not even managing to get out of the aisle, Chris found something and stood in front of your cart, stopping you from moving forward. “We almost made a very bad mistake,” he started, holding up a plunger. “...you need a plunger,” he finished, plopping it into the cart.

You quickly noticed that there was a recurring event that happened when going through the aisles. Right as you were going to exit, someone found something that needed to be added. From lemon scented Swiffer pads to multi-colored napkins. And if you were being honest, you didn’t think anyone even bought a Swiffer. With that thought in mind you rolled your eyes, sneaking the box out and placing it onto a random shelf.

“Hey, I saw that.” you paused and gave Jimmy an innocent look. “saw what?” He was leaning forward, hands on either end of the end of the cart.

“You’re tampering with evidence,” he said, matter-of-factly. You snorted, trying to move the cart forward, “there’s no evidence. Move it or lose it.”

-o-o-o-o-o

“He’ll need some glasses,” Chris said, hefting up a box and placing them into the cart. It had been a while since Garrett tapped you out to push the cart, as it slowly got heavier and heavier with everything that was being added.

You and Jimmy were in another aisle, looking through other appliances while Chris was in the one over. “Old people love...” Chris tapped the cover of the box. “...countertop ovens.” At that point, you and Jimmy were entering back and Chris motioned over. “dude, Y/N, Jimmy, tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re wrong,” you answered, still absentmindedly scrolling through your phone.

“You didn’t even see!”

“We still need bathroom stuff, don’t we?” Garrett mumbled through a mouthful of chips. You sent him a strange look, and he offered you a chip innocently. “I’ll buy them! I’m just hungry, I thought we’d be done by now.” 

Your group ambled into the toiletry aisle and everyone was picking through the items and dropping them into the basket.

Jimmy was staring at two bottles of shampoo before taking his phone out of his pocket. “I’m going to call him.”

You rolled your eyes and raised your eyebrows slightly. “if you keep calling Chandler, you’re going to give it away.”

“Maybe he’ll think I’m just being a good friend,” Jimmy argued, dialing his phone. Quickly putting it on speaker, he picked up a Suave bottle. “hey, is he a Suave or a Head & Shoulders typa guy?”

“Head and Shoulders,” Chandler answered back immediately, to your amusement. “Gotcha.” Jimmy nodded, setting back the Suave bottle and grabbing the other. “Head & Shoulders, it is.”

“You pronounced it wrong,” you mentioned, grabbing back the Suave bottle. “it’s Suave, not Suave.” You teased, tapping the title of the bottle. 

Jimmy squinted at the title and waved his hand. “what difference does it make, potato, potato.” You only managed to walk a few steps before there was a new distraction.

Chris was holding up a bag of maxi pads. “do you think he needs these?”

“Ahh, doesn’t hurt,” Jimmy shrugged.

“They’re like band-aids,” Chris observed, reading the label. “he could probably use some bandages.”

“Yeah,” Jimmy affirmed, holding up his arms and rubbing at his elbow. “like, maybe for his elbow.”

“Yeah, these are elbow band-aids, right Y/N? You’ve probably used these before.”

You’d been doing a good job keeping your laughter in check, but after Chris said that, you snorted. “completely Chris. They’re elbow band-aids. For elbows. Nothing else.”

“Which shampoo do you use?” Jimmy asked randomly, holding up two bottles in your direction before you left the aisle. You glanced at both bottles before picking up another from shelf. “you should know. You use it all the time.”

He scoffed, snatching the bottle from your hand and reading the label. “I do not!”

“You do.” Garrett added, popping into the conversation. “you always smell like lavender.”

“Why are you smelling me?!”

“Because you smell good!”

-o-o-o-o-o

video timestamp 3.08