#and never ever make a move myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

3-aem · 1 year ago

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i also don’t want to portray myself as faultless. my work isn’t ai and it isn’t copied. but nk will say i Had old pieces that were copied and referenced ai. Yet it isn’t good faith when i apologize, state how i took accountability, and explain thats definitely not the case today because i learned my lessons- to respond with well you made these mistakes in the past so how can i believe you, you are lying, and have not changed.

so i quit. how can i prove myself then besides what i mentioned in the last post. my question is will you even ALLOW me to prove myself. each time i must explain, i place a spotlight on something that was resolved agreeably with the artists, resolved by removing the works, and resolved within myself by learning from it. but by not saying something i also allow You to concoct narratives and have to watch people spread them around and come to me demanding apologies. it is a very uncomfortable very distressing process that has worn me down completely.

never mind that other artists who have copied have not nearly been requested to apologize as much as i have been. never mind that they were forgiven when they removed the works or even when they just say sorry and don’t remove the work at all. But you still choose to hound me afterwards for doing just that?

nk has stated that i have not fixed this. and that i must address it. how many times though? for how long also? who on this planet starts the conversation by recounting all their mistakes, especially when they know they are resolved.

i have had to learn my lessons through cruelty like yours. trust me its a trauma i have to bear and they are not lessons you then forget.

my anger and my feelings of defeat come from the fact that even after nk was still talking like i had not even attempted to make progress. just look at your tone here.

#im going to fking throw up this is the last time i will ever say this #do not come begging to be for another apology i am done #i will never address this issue again okay #i need to say this because no matter what when i see people supporting me now i feel guilty #i recognize it is just because i hate myself #it is because i havent accepted i made mistakes #but i cant accept it because people cant accept it #i cant accept it and i cant move on #and that is why i think its best to leave art #i cant make work i am proud of anymore #i dont want to list names of artists #but i will say that when king chris reposted my work without credit i viewed it the same as when i referenced other artists work #but there was no callout no request even from the comments for credit #and he has millions of followers #i felt like i could not stand up for myself because i have this history #because of this history i can never properly defend myself i feel i must always kneel to it #even though i have changed and realized i was wrong i still have to acknowledge it always

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thebirdandhersong · 4 months ago

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Lol

#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting #with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy #and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because #your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED #OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered #being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal #anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this #can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws #worries #and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please #also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up #in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite #but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying #you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents #but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents #not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up #that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY #you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard #i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation #and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far

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lunarharp · 1 year ago

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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

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recycledraccoon · 9 months ago

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Chapters: 2/2 Fandom: Dimension 20 (Web Series) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Adaine Abernant/Oisin Hakinvar, Adaine Abernant & Oisin Hakinvar Characters: Adaine Abernant, Oisin Hakinvar, Lucy Frostblade, The Bad Kids (Dimension 20), The Rat Grinders (Dimension 20) Additional Tags: most of these are mentions - Freeform, no beta's we die like lucy frostblade, Pre-Relationship, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, POV Second Person, Colored Text Summary:

Imagine you're a skinny little dragonborn wizard, in a class with a cute elven girl. You don't talk to her, but one of your adventuring party members is pissed thinking that party is getting preferential treatment, so you KNOW about her. You watch from the corner of your eye or from a spot on the back of the class whenever she's actually there.

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icewindandboringhorror · 21 days ago

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recent things and such~

#photo diary #image 1 - kind of interesting lacy looking clouds. Image 2 - pinky purple sunset stuff #image 3 - These REALLY cool flowers I saw in a field ? growing wild so like.. weeds I guess. but I like the color of them and how the #petals are small and layered. Image 4 & 5 - More recent hair growth progress. I still think it will never get much longer because #it's been basically the same lenght for multiple years now BUT I do feel like maybe it's getting like... just the tiniest bit longer?? Just #not as obvious of progress as the first few years. Like now if I take it out of the braids and actually hold it so it goes straight down th #very tips of the hair on one side goes down to the tip of my pointer finger. and on the other side goes a little past my thumb. and I #remember maybe last year or two years ago it was only to my knuckles or like midway down my thumb. so.. perhaps it's not reached a #maximum genetic possible length just YET as I'd thought it had maybe lol.. perhaps I could slowly gain a cenitmeter or two #here and there gjbjh.. Unfortunately incredibly doubtful it will ever be down to my knees though as I had wished. oh well.#image 6 - writing again... as always... Slowly chipping away... And looking for ways to make it go faster lol. The original premise was 8 #main characters with 6 quests for each. Then it was 5 with 6 quests. Now it's 4 with 4 quests each. And even that I'm like hmm... what #about having only 3... so it could be done faster... lol.. I think mostly just because I have no gaurantee of investment. So it's like #I could spend years and years doing 500.000+ words of writing and then have about 3 people total actually play the game and nobody cares #and nothing ever comes of it. You know? So I have to balance that somehow. And rather that put out the 100% complete version #be putting out like 'here's ENOUGH of it for you to see what the concept is and what it's like. and IF theres any investment then I #can put in the effort to finish the few bits that I left in more of a preview form'' type of thing. And then it's like.. well if I'm #limiting the initial scope anyway - how much is enough to cut away? and how much would be TOO much? etc. etc. I'm pretty sure I #already have it down to a balanced minimum but some days when I'm very stressed over my ability to actually finish anything I'm like..#ehhhh..maybe I could make another main character into a side character.. as a treat lol..#image 7 - cabbage noodle beef stir fry sort of thing. As usual I kind of cook the beef too long because I'm afraid of getting sick if it's #underdone despite preferring medium rare steak lol.. Funnily because usually making something at home has the advantage of you #being able to do it Exactly The Way You Like It whereas me cooking meat is often like.. ah yes.. the worse way that I dont even like. love #to make a tough chewy anxiously overcooked protein puck for myself. :3 Images 8 - 10 -- various plants from the deck. though #some of these pictures are old and they're no longer alive lol.. Most of my plants actually do live through the winter because I #painstakingly move them inside and outside and inside and outside depending on the temperatures. But sometimes.. one cannot #help but be lost. Especially the temperature change sometimes can make them more prone to mold and stuff. and humidity is #hard to control indoors. There's always one or two that deteriorate despite my best efforts. But that's better than every single one of the #dying because they alll freeze when it gets to 20F one night and I left them outside or something lol #ANYWAY.. hrm.. still working on friend quiz thing... and sculptures.. and videos maybe?? costumes... rghhhghhrrr.. (< to do list angst)

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californiaquail · 1 month ago

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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before

#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up #sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation #even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been #some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss #but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time #over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either #i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane #i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after #i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at #it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same #silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time #it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen #of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately #this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country #again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want #things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao #i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot #everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me #and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d #anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that #to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm #recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca #also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before #anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun #and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have #i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired #and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that #i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip #whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn #(<- guy who should be in therapy)

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youngpettyqueen · 10 months ago

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ah the canon salamander children of Janeway and Tom... Threshold I love youuuuuuu

#star trek: voyager #kathryn janeway #tom paris #how did their relationship ever move past this #I would never be able to move past this #I would be begging Tuvok to wipe my memory #I would launch myself out of an airlock #Janeway making jokes about it immediately she is so much stronger than I am #'what makes you think it was your idea' I am literally so in love with her

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lesbiansanemi · 24 days ago

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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb

#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma #my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that #work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave #and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease #whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say #she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking #apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt #ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she #moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something #out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities #let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed #and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but #like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically #just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get #her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of #income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE #stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what #while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats #great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and #never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking #life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering #because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be #vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a #shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and #always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it #and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp #but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own #so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like #this and dealing with these types of things UGH

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xxplastic-cubexx · 2 months ago

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no one even knows that every day i think of this clip and genuinely try to come up with a TFG moveset for charles because i am ill

#snap chats #this is the goofiest clip ever but it does have me thinking so bear with me vjearVLEJKLJE WHAT GAME IS THIS EVEN FROM #mavel rivals comes out in two days and it forced me to think of how charles will absolutely never be a playable chara in a game #that makes me sad .... so naturally i must think of ways he throws hands jerLGVKAEGEJ #honestly him using a hover chair might be the move.. more mobility i think since Its A Hover Chair #if it operates by his mind like Other Machines In His House then hey .... free hands ...#he should have a gun. again. just for a second.#idk ... im gonna think bout it more ... im not gonna do anything with these thougts just giggle to myself about them...

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asfdhgsdkjhgb · 5 days ago

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god is swuarshing me beneath his thumb like i am an aphid or perhaps a clover mite. yeah. its slow and painful and im small. and also meek

#just me rambling again #guys. guys i have been just barely scraping by for what feels like so long it's genuinely so overwhelming and confusing and just very #unsettling for me to be having good feelings especially like.. big ones #i kind of feel like im dying ?? not actually physically but my entire brain just really doesn't know what to do #ive got some rational anxieties but also a lot of really stupid small ones just that are so all over my brain #and the cause feels so stupid. ok cool so ur falling for one of ur friends. happens. ok so same friend VERY OBVIOUSLY likes you too. ok ok #a little weirder but something that has happened before #but there's just so much in mybrain anxious abt stuff (ive been forgetting to take my anxiety meds a lot the past week(#idk i just feel like somehow it's not fair to them??#like. being with me or me trying to maybe be with them feels like... im taking away something from them or from their life #even tho we literally talked last night abt dates we really really wish we could go on #and how we obviously would just work well together we're compatible in basically every way #it also would be low pressure not heavy commitment because at the end of the summer we're both planning to move for college things #and she's looking at colleges in New York and nyc and im looking at colleges in oregon or Washington #so yeah.. literally across the entire country from each other #but that almost scares me more bc i have the it will come back hozier type of attachment issues where it's so so difficult for me to ever #let go of things once ive latched on (everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it or whatever) and i really don't want to leave my #claw marks in them bc like. god i really would adore having a thing for however many months we have but im so goddamn scared #that im either not going to be able to let go or one of us is going to detach well before we leave bc thats a reasonable emotional response #and thatll be it's own hell #but also #im 18 almost 19 (and i will make clear that they're in the year below me which also makes me feel really bad but that's a whole other can o #worms there) and its been a long while since ive just. let myself LIVE. ive been the shell of a man for months now. maybe another #stupid and wonderful and beautiful and terrible teenage romance wouldnt be the end of the world.#hell i was so convinced i would never ever ever not be in love with my more recent ex girlfriend and i still love her as a person but im #definitely not still in love with her and our splitting hurt but it was something that i was able to cope with and grow through #idk im rambling a lot longer than i have in a while i just have a lot of feelings right now.#i want to kiss them (again and more) i want to go to a stupid drive in movie and go to museums together and a picnic and all the shit that #we talked about last night and we both love in similar ways and feel our feelings really big and unapologetically #idk i have so much to say but running out of tags on here. double date maybe on friday ? we'll see what happens i guess.

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luck-of-the-drawings · 9 months ago

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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

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wolvertooth · 4 months ago

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im just lookin thru my archive rn cuz ive been posting fairly actively since like. july. debating if i need to do another #mentalhealthbreak or nah….

its not that ive run outta post ideas or anything(cuz my brain never shuts tf up), its just been kinda hard lately to keep up with the community aspect i think. i dunno. maybe im getting a bit burnt out again too

this is kinda the longest ive ever held a fixation consistantly, but the fear of slipping back into the Nothing Era where i got nothing to keep my brain occupied has me hanging on ig. i feel like im not done yet either like waiiiitttttt ive still got piles of wipssssssss i gotta make gay people realllllllll sigh

im only human im a messed up human blablah it makes good practice for adderall at least(not that its really been working) i just dont wanna be in a state where it feels like a chore yknow? like im not an influencer im a gay lil tumblr.com blog ffs

another dramatic emotion filled sigh………im gonna be staying out in the middle of the canadian sticks(farmland n woods n a couple beaches nearby) this winter for awhile, so maybe i’ll be able to figure out how to get some good chill time. or go more insane. (likely get more insane)

#(pic is from marvel comics presents 97 btw)(nice logan design in that one)#on one hand i hate how my brain never stops talking. the whole psychosis thing doesnt really help with that either.#on the other..my adhd makes it so its hard to hold my attention long enough to distract myself #so i dont really got a choice #i dont really socialize that often either. theres people i dm back n forth with but im not really a talk first kinda guy #or reach out kinda guy in general. got that Whats The Point style depression #and its probably my autism too lol #apparently i wouldnt be entirely isolated where im gonna be staying tho. maybe.#cuz my grandma mentioned that one of the nearby farmers kids is around my age #(gonna be staying in a room at my grandmas place)#and he recently moved back in after having some struggles. we got that in common ig.#they got like 6 kids and hes the only one that didnt wanna be a farmer #it’d be a miracle if i ever interacted with the guy tho #one of his younger brothers walks the dogs near the house sometimes so i could try talking to him ig #kind of a bitch to try to find friends after highschool..#4 fuckin years after highschool……

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hadesoftheladies · 10 months ago

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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.

#mine #personal #brief storytime in the tags #one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy #her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me #i was happy to share that moment with them #we cried and laughed together #and my friends #their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous #it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together #BUT #im a pastor's kid #and my dad loves weddings #he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year #he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do #so i was happy to see him happy too #it just all felt so bittersweet to me #because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves #there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that #and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that #this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this #i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon #i would never marry a man in my generation #if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend #my happiest day would be another funeral for you #it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians #so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day #and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church #but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left #there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children

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itsalwaysdark · 6 months ago

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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

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britneyshakespeare · 1 year ago

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My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things

#im sorry i cant be her (my searching lines)#i cant stop thinking about this drawing i have a sinking feeling that im gonna be very unhappy when its done #or. not unhappy. but not as excited as i feel about it now!#i only worked in two short chunks on it but both were pretty productive #i have a feeling that when i take the time to really dedicate myself to it im gonna fuck something up #like i can see areas i need to/can improve already but the glaring flaws are ok! bc it's not finished!#it OVERALL looks cool and LOOKS like it has the potential to turn out well #but will it... WILL IT??? WILL IT EVER?#i have never been so totally completely satisfied w any finished drawing ive dedicated myself to fully.#tales from diana #this is also only the second time ive done a really deliberate self-portrait that wasnt in some for or another. practice #like of course ive drawn my face before. not that often actually. but since yes i do draw. i have drawn myself #i probably should've drawn myself more times for how often i think id like a nice picture of myself #but then again its not gonna be so 'nice' if i make it and am not totally happy w it?#see one of the ppl who inspired me to learn to draw is ned @sneez my dearest. he's spoiled me before #and drawn me very beautifully on several occasions and it's very much a thing to move one's heart #to see someone dedicate their talent to depicting YOU.#and i might say HE has made me look more beautiful in art than i think i'll ever look in the flesh #which is not to say he drew me inaccurately. but he's so talented that his art is more beautiful than life.#and i dont compare myself in skill to him bc he's been doing it for YEARS and way more trained than me in the visual arts.#like it simply wouldn't be fair so i only compare myself to myself. naturally #but i used to think. very VAINLY i might say. that if i could draw like him id draw beautiful pictures of myself all the time #well ce n'est pas ca mon ami. since learning to draw i've found im much more interested in drawing ppl i find beautiful #rather than myself. im not art. not through my own eyes at least.#i should really draw ned sometime. i really should.#actually somewhat embarrasingly i tried to draw him like 5 or 6 years ago. and i NEVER tried to draw then #i did show him tho and he thought it was very impressive but that's probably just bc he loves me. xoxox #maybe ill post that someday as a throwback just for the hell of it. lol. thatd be cute

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trans-estinien · 10 months ago

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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.

#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES #LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before #is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people #i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this #was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something #“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries #“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet #“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART #i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself #i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are #my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing #im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that #shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them #i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like #in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism #i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all #not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing #(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason

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