#and my family would just criticize me constantly for being rude

[soupflowers]

sometimes i feel like i’m measuring the way others react, like… every good interaction is +2 hp points for our relationship, every bad interaction is -2. sometimes i look at others to try to mimic the ways that they’re genuine… because a lot of the time, even if i feel something or i want to show that i care, i don’t know how to correctly show it. sometimes i try to look at myself and my body from an outsider’s perspective to make sure i’m doing everything right, or to perceive how i come across to other people. it’s weird because i think that sometimes i’m too much and too loud and too casual and too awkward and too blunt, but at the same time i’m not outgoing enough or charismatic enough or just… idk. i don’t always feel like a real person.

[seaheaded]

over and over and over again

jacaerys x fem reader

part 1 | part 2 soon!

modern au

synopsis: small moments that drive jacaerys to insanity and confusion because his feelings for his best friend are slowly turning into something less platonic ever day.

3K words

warning for both parts: cursing, typical friends to lovers pining but it's a soft story, the targaryens don't hate or want to kill each other in this they're just a big family

note: this is my first fanfic. english is not my first language, so if you have corrections or constructive criticism it's all good but don't be rude. i hope you enjoy it!

December 15, 2022.

“Oh, look at you!”

Jacaerys lowered the forearm that covered his face to watch her enter his bedroom, squinting. Even with the only illumination in the room being the grey light of the cold afternoon, he felt like it was too bright.

The smirk on her face, stretching to a big grin, provoked him to roll his eyes involuntarily as she removed her scarf and sat beside him on the bed.

“I was astonished when I heard your voice on the phone,” She said with sarcasm dripping from her words.

“Well, don't sound too worried,” He bit back, swallowing the pain that was to even utter the phrase, and covered his eyes again.

Jacaerys never got sick. His father used to say that all the ability to be ill was passed to Lucerys because the weather changes frequently got the worst of him. That was, of course, until the world decided to give him a break this year and toss all that pain on Jacaerys’ face.

Hence the boy at the threshold of his door, with his arms crossed and a familiar mischievous expression on his face.

“Joffrey said he sounds like that little rat from Zootopia now,” Lucerys said, and it made his best friend laugh out loud. “But I think he sounds like a—.”

“Get out!” Jacaerys yelled (tried) and weakly threw a pillow at him.

The item dropped at the feet of the younger brother, who chuckled with a shrug.

The last thing he needed right now was Lucerys' antics. Especially with her here. Jacaerys didn't want to sound like a possessive best friend, but since the family has gotten used to her presence, it was harder to spend time alone without an interruption. Everyone needed to say hi, his baby brothers needed to hug her and so on.

Noticing his mood, she got up from her seat and lifted her hands.

“Okay, okay. No fights. You're too sick for that,” She walked to the door. “I’ll see you later, okay, Luke?”

Lucerys, ever so compliant when it came to her, nodded and walked out after checking his older brother again with a glance, and she closed the door.

Jacaerys snorted and turned on his side under the duvet. His body ached from head to toe, and the fever brought out of him the oddest of tempers — it was better than yesterday, according to his mother, but if you asked him, he believed he was going to burst from discomfort at any moment.

Well, the good part was that his best friend was here. But he didn't want her to stand there and laugh at him with his brother.

Would it be silly to ask her to caress his hair instead?

Jacaerys twisted his face at his own thoughts.

“When you're done finding my pain amusing, hand me back that pillow so I can suffocate myself with it,” He said.

Her hand took his and placed the pillow under his arm, and she kneeled beside the bed, resting her chin on her forearm.

“If you try to suffocate yourself, we’ll have to cause a big scene by yanking you away from all the pillows in the house and into an ambulance like a maniac, and it's too cozy in here for that... Jace, are you listening?”

As she spoke, his fingers found a piece of her hair that fell over her arm. He loved her hair, and was constantly unable to refrain himself from playing with it.

“Your hair is so long now.”

She giggled and his entire body shivered.

He was too feverish.

A moment passed when she just let him sniffle and get comfortable again, then her voice came back more delicate.

“I was worried when you texted me,” She told him. “I jumped when you sent me that audio because your voice never sounded like that before.”

Jacaerys scanned her face with curiosity.

She did that sometimes, reminded him that she honestly cared about him after a tease, and recently it had become more frequent, which caused him to wonder why she did it at all.

There was something out of place because he knew she was kind. The light in her eyes alone was enough to convince him of it any day.

He smirked. “You like me too much, it's a bit embarrassing.”

“You wish.”

The wind howled outside, and Jacaerys hugged his pillow tighter with another groan of distress as he saw the branches of the trees in the yard moving around.

“This sucks,” He complained. “I didn't tell them, but I couldn't even sleep last night. My body feels all weird— Don't coo at me! Mom has done that already. Multiple times.”

She rolled her eyes, but Jacaerys could see that she was distracted, shrinking herself beside the bed like there was something on her mind.

“What is it?” He asked. “I can see the gears turning in your head.”

“Hm..." She shrugged. "I brought you something.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“The lady courts me? Taking advantage of my vulnerable state?"

“Funny," She retorted. "I was just hoping it would make you feel better, but now I think I should’ve brought you soup instead of that, pour it all over your head and leave.”

He ignored her culinary threat and supported his weight on his forearms to get closer to her.

“Early Christmas present?”

She nodded.

“It's mine and Helaena’s.”

“So it's made of clay.”

She and his aunt had worked at a ceramics shop since the summer of last year. It had been a famous spot in town from its opening, and the rest of the family was now accustomed to randomly receiving dishes and trinkets of clay from Helaena because of it. Rhaenyra even had to tell her that it was okay to not give her one at every family gathering because there was no space for more plates and mugs anymore. “But they are all beautiful! You are very talented.” She reassured her.

He caught her hand with both of his before she could take the present.

“Your hands are cold again,” He whispered, running his thumbs over her knuckles. “I’m gonna buy you gloves, I swear.”

On their first year of friendship, Jacaerys had found out that, like Lucerys, her hands could almost hurt from how cold they got during winter, and he had made an habit to check them whenever she came over during the colder months of the year.

She pulled her hand back quickly with a small chuckle and cleared her throat.

“Why are you acting like a newborn grabbing me like that? And I have gloves already.”

“So you're purposely walking around with icicles for fingers?”

“They're in my bag, Jace. After the thirty-fourth time you told me to wear them, I decided to carry them around.”

He hummed, satisfied.

“Where is that present then?”

April 9, 2023

Jacaerys stared at the dragon on his bedside table.

The small clay sculpture had olive green scales and orange membranes, and his name was Vermax.

It had been months, but he saw the dragon every time he went to bed, and the only reason he couldn't keep it locked in the drawer was the same reason why it was so distracting.

He knew he should stop thinking about her, but whenever he looked at the dragon, all that came to his mind was the memory of that December afternoon, when he was ill and ready to combust when she gave him the sculpture.

“I know it's a family thing, so I got this for you. I thought, I don't know, that I could bring him to life— well, sort of. Helaena helped, of course.”

The dragon, Vermax, was indeed a part of a peculiar family thing.

The first time Jacaerys and Lucerys had to stay at their grandfather Viserys’ house, Lucerys wouldn't stop whining about wanting his mom back. Jacaerys was not much older than him, but he wasn't bothered by it the same way since Rhaenyra had told him to be good and obey Viserys and Alicent. Still, because of Lucerys, Viserys started to tell stories to entertain the brothers. Stories about dragons.

“The largest was Balerion, the Black Dread, and after him came Vhagar!”

It was clear to Viserys how much they liked to hear about the creatures, so he kept creating more stories about the Targaryens and Old Valyria, where their ancestors came from, every time they went there. The old man didn't mind, especially after his children joined them with curiosity.

And because of said curiosity and childish imagination, during a family gathering, the story telling stirred chaos. The kids, except Helaena and their cousin Rhaena, fought to see who would get to ride Balerion because he was the largest dragon. Aegon said it would be him because was the oldest, but Baela reminded him that it was Rhaenyra, not him, and Aemond said that none of that meant anything because the dragon chose its rider.

They argued until Harwin stepped in and said that the dragon belonged to Viserys and their grandfather agreed, just to make them stop. However, Aemond quickly called dibs on Vhagar, which made everyone mad again — little Lucerys even slapped him for it — and Harwin couldn't fix that problem with simple talk this time. Aemond and Lucerys had to be sat at opposite ends of the table, and the only reason they didn't fight anymore that day was that Helaena started to name new dragons with the help of her father, and the rest of the bunch was invested once again.

But it didn't stop after that. The dragons made their mark in the children's minds, and what followed were birthday parties with dragon themes, pyjama sets that Viserys designed for everyone on Christmas (including the adults, to Daemon's horror), illustrations, embroideries by Alicent and Helaena and, of course, the infamous Zaldrizes Files, aka loads of pages about the history of dragons, physical descriptions and information about their riders. Every kid had a copy.

So, when she stepped into his life, Jacaerys knew the dragons would be a topic of conversation at some point in time. He just didn't expect her to care. He thought that perhaps she would be a little amused, laugh, and brush it off. However, in the first family vacation she was invited to, only a few months after they became close friends, the ��kids” table loudly discussed dragons for an hour straight.

Now, there it was. Vermax, his dragon, on his bedside table. Because she cared.

Jacaerys sighed, unamused at his foolishness.

He could not tell when the change occurred. It took him a few daydreams while listening to songs to acknowledge that there was something wrong. The more he tried not to, the more these thoughts of her became detailed, straying from the simplicity of her presence, until that too became significant.

When she passed him something, all he could notice was her touch, and when she enjoyed something, it made him giddy by extension.

Jacaerys wasn't stupid — an idiot at times, but not stupid — he knew that closing his eyes at night and wanting her beside him wasn't the most platonic of ideas.

He rested his head in his hands, thinking back to the earlier events of the day.

They had agreed on a movie and lunch in the afternoon, and it was going well.

She arrived at the house, thankfully empty because the rest of his brothers and parents had gone out together, and they had decided on what to eat and watch.

But she had to see the sculpture on his bedside table, and smile like that, and remember and care all over again.

"What was that thing you guys said so they would breathe fire? Dracarys?"

Jacaerys froze with the laptop on his lap. Never in his life had he heard her say that, and for some reason, he wanted to hear it again.

It was humiliating. Apparently, someone speaking High Valyrian was attractive to him now.

Was he going insane?

"Yeah! Yeah, we—" He cleared his throat. "We had a list of commands and stuff."

"Hm," She put Vermax back in his place and joined him on the twin bed. "I think dracarys is the best."

Jacaerys gulped.

"Oh, my Gods, you fucking idiot," he said to himself, remembering it all.

He had to let go of at some point, and it would begin today.

His phone rang, and the sight of her photo on the notification made something inside of him turn.

Obviously, he wasn't in for a very good start.

July 15, 2023

i unlocked the door so you don't have to ring the doorbell

but lock it after you get in bc i’m scared of murderers or tourists getting in

Jacaerys read her messages as he went up the stairs of the small building, carrying a paper bag with two pastries from her favorite bakery and breathing heavily after all the running around in the last fifteen minutes.

When he opened the door, he stopped in his tracks.

“They took the fucking sofa?” He thought out loud.

What he knew about her roommates was that they were both assholes and extremely invested in each other for a while — she told him that one time she had to sleep with headphones on because it was too much — but he didn't expect them to be selfish to this point.

Apparently, the couple had recently planned to move out to a bigger apartment, leaving her alone in this one. That alone would not be an issue, but It was planned fast, without any notification until that week's monday, which shocked Jacaerys and even more Rhaenyra.

Oh, the woman was furious to the point you could imagine cartoonish smoke coming out of her nostrils. Right after finding out that they did it all without helping her to adjust to the change, she did an advertisement online for interviews for new roommates and said she would pay for everything she needed until she found two people who weren't pieces of shit to live with. Her own words.

“Jace?”

He locked the door and went to her bedroom, where the voice came from.

She was seated, or rather shrunk, on the armchair close to her window, with a blanket wrapped around her and the portable fan turned on.

He tossed the bag on her bed and rushed towards her, kneeling and placing a piece of hair behind her ear to see her face better. She seemed hurt. Her cheeks were red, and Jacaerys knew the blanket was too much for mid-July but didn't mention it.

“I noticed they moved,” His voice was quiet. “Are you okay?”

Her lower lip trembled, and she hid her face on her knees.

“I feel like a little kid.”

She hiccuped, and Jacaerys’ pulse in his ears was the only thing guaranteeing him that his heart wasn't breaking at the sight.

There was only one other time when she behaved like this, and it was the day he found out that she was terrified of her plans for independence going wrong and crumbling down. Unlike him, she had moved to the large city by herself three years ago — looking back, it feels like a lifetime — and she had no family nearby.

He called her name.

“You're not acting like a little kid. Something bad happened and it wasn't your fault.”

“But it's my fault that I’m here crying like a loser, isn't it? I don't know what to do. They took almost everything! They took the sofa and they didn't even buy it!”

“I could give you—.”

“No,” She cut him, lifting her head. “You're not gonna do more of your rich guy charity on me.”

“What?! It's not charity, I just want to help you.”

“You helped plenty, already! I think your entire family hugged me or tapped my shoulder at some point this week. Did you know Aemond sent me some weird emojis that I think indicated he could commit some crimes if needed? With a black heart on the side.”

“He has your number?” He asked quickly.

"That's your question?”

Jacaerys clicked his tongue and shook his head.

He knew her. And he knew that if she was in her room, crying and feeling this way, it was because she was finally letting it all out. And she wanted him there for her, therefore it meant even more.

Her teary eyes only looked back at him when he moved his hands to her forearms, trying to remove the blanket.

“What are you doing?”

“It's too hot,” He explained.

“So what?” She tightened the blanket around herself.

He sighed and rested his hands on her knees.

“Well, I want to hug you. So, if you could please remove this boiling fabric that I can see it's making you sweat—”

“Those are tears.”

He closed his mouth and gave her a blank stare.

She avoided it, but after a sniffle and a deep breath, she unclenched her fists and came out of her shrinking position, hugging Jacaerys as he kneeled between her now separated legs.

He closed his eyes, breathing in and letting his hands roam to remove the blanket before settling one on the mid of her waist, enveloping her torso with his arm, and another at the conjuncture of her neck and shoulder.

She smelled like her favorite perfume for summer — a mix of pink mango with coconut water that she ordered from another country.

He wanted to kiss her shoulder. But more than that, he needed to see her smile again.

“I’m sorry, Jace.”

He opened his eyes abruptly and separated himself from her, resting a hand on her cheek, incredulous.

“Don't apologise. Are you serious?”

She shrugged, leaning against his hand.

“I mean, I texted you in the middle of the afternoon and interrupted you—”

“I was basically my mom’s secretary today.”

“Well, I made you come all this way—”

“You mean ten minutes driving?" He licked his lips. "Look, I wouldn't come here if I didn't want to. And I did. You called me, so I came.”

“But—”

“No, no. Listen.”

He lifted her head so she would look at him, and the sunlight hit her eyes in a way he had never seen before.

She was too close.

Another stupid thought came to him. How could he show her that she was a force of nature that he couldn't resist?

No, ignore that.

“I know how you feel about asking for help" He said. "Whenever you ask me for anything, you think I am wasting my time with you, which is ridiculous.”

“Jace.”

“I’m serious. I am well aware that my time is mine, that I don't owe you any of it and all that. But you have to understand that I’ll always care and do everything I can to help you because I want to. You... You're my friend."

She didn't answer, but didn't look away either.

Jacaerys felt her thumb caressing his jaw.

“I was going to say I feel unlike myself when I cry in front of you like this, but I realised I'm just scared of you running away,” She whispered, breath hitting his chin. “I don't like being high maintenance.”

Jacaerys scoffed at the revelation.

“I'm not running. Besides, you and I both know you're too smart to believe some bullock catchphrase like that. I'm pretty sure you could start giving me a psychology lesson about it if I just pushed you a little more.”

Her nose scrunched against his with a close mouthed smile. He felt victorious.

“You're not wrong. I’m just feeling miserable. I don't have a sofa," She laughed. "Or roommates, or a way to buy everything now… But I still think I’m doing too much crying.”

“It all happened too fast," He whispered. "Cry as much as you want.”

“Will I be okay after, though?”

He wouldn't let her be any less than that.

It went unsaid, but he nodded.

Her arms found their way around his neck again, and her head slid back to his shoulder.

The sound of her relieved breath mingled with the laughter outside the building, which wasn't surprising given summer in King's Landing meant tourists and noise everywhere, all the time.

“Did you know there were some girls out there taking pictures of the clothesline between the buildings full of stuff when I came in?” He told her and she groaned.

“Oh, this happens all the time. Those aesthetic bitches— Oh, I shouldn't say that— Stop laughing, Jacaerys!”

She slapped his back and Jacaerys laughed even louder, squeezing her in his arms with a strange, newfound joy in her ease.

He could do this. Love her like that without crossing the line. It felt like it was enough.

this will probably be a 2 parts story only and then i might add miscellaneous moments to it. part 2 will be the reader's side of the story

[faggot-greg-house]

house is autistic i will accept no criticism

i have so many thoughts about house and autism. this might be the most unhinged post on my tumblr yet but here we go so house had the illusion of normalcy forced on him from a young age. i dont think thats like, full canon, but house talks about how his father abused him on more than one occassion and talked about how he was never satisfied or happy with house no matter what. so i truly dont think its a far reach to say that he would not have tolerated a "weird child." the thing that i think, though, is that all of his actions are a response to the fact that he's not particularly great at masking. he's afraid if he lets people close to him he won't be able to hide the fact that he's "weird" (aka bad). he intentionally pushes people away with his weird creepy comments and being an asshole and that's both him masking (if he's aggressively mean all the time no one will bother to look further) and a way of coping with the fact that he cant mask. the more he pushes people away the less likely it is that they'll see that he cares about things and that he's not "normal" like he's always been told. i also think that as the show went on, he got less and less concerned about masking. he constantly stims, he hyperfocuses and burns out, he panics about change, he treats his fellows a lot more like family. once he got to a point in his life where his "weirdness" is not something he can be ruined for (he's tenured and he has people who will fight for him) he found himself a lot more able to be aggressively autistic, even if he struggles with it due to trauma.

a huge Autism Moment in the show for me is when foreman quits and house fires chase. house has been afraid his whole life of showing who he actually is, as mentioned. his fellows, though, are his People, they knew all of his shit and they never ran awayy from it. they didnt question who he was and what he knew, only his methods, and they were willing to fight back against him (something he's shown he loves). but then foreman quits because he "doesnt want to be like house" and this is house's worst nightmare. this is exactly why he had normalcy beaten into him, because being weird only makes it that people will run away once they know you. he dared to let people see a bit of who he actually is and how he thinks and acts and foreman essentially said "i cant stand to be like you." on top of that fear, his team became Different. he doesnt know if chase or cameron thought the same things as foreman, if they were also judging him or hating him for being autistic. it sent him into fucking panic mode because how is he supposed to trust them when he doesnt know if they agree with foreman!!!!! and even if he could, the team is Different and its for a reason he cant control and he cant just go back to normal. his method of interviewing his new fellows also shows this - how is he supposed to be able to tell if someone will be okay with who he is and if they'll work well together based off a short intervew where he's almost certainly masking the whole time???? anyway. to end this absolutely unhinged post ive put together an inconclusive list of autistic traits and actions from house, and i want to say that so much of this is him being written off as an antisocial eccentric genius and, while he is an ass that cant be debated, it clearly runs deeper than that!!!!

he doesnt understand how ppl feel (he repeatedly talks about how small talk is like a guessing game for him and he doesnt know what to say)

he doesnt like to be touched (for a lot of the show people just do Not touch him, wilson excluded)

he stims constantly and he needs Sensations

he's blunt, rude, somewhat monotone, etc

he has a hard time making friends

he has a hard time saying what he feels (he'd rather joke or be mean than analyse his emotions)

he has a routine that he Sticks To (even thgh its not exactly the same because of patients etc, he goes to work late, he talks to the same people, he sits in his same office. he's shown coming to work sick at one point and he doesnt rly go on vacation. plus when cuddy took his bloodstained carpet it was such a fundamental change to his life that he couldnt deal)

he notices Everything (yes ik this is a sherlock holmes thing but consider sherlock holmes - also autistic)

he has a method and train of thought that works for him and he is unwilling to break from it (he's shown at least once stopping the fellows from writing on his whiteboard, and after he loses the og three he continues trying to hold ddx's because its how he Thinks)

[damian-al-ghul-wayne]

Damian Wayne.

You are aware of what your family thinks of you, yes? You are aware of how much you matter to them.

This song that you have heard is a lie. It must be.

I am a psychic, a seer, a fool. I see. I see and I see and I see that you loved and your family will hurt if you chose this.

Please. You are aware of how much you are loved, right?

Right? Damian. Please. Please. You cannot understand. You cannot comprehend. Damian. I cannot bear to stand the thought of losing you to forces beyond my control. Was once not enough, universe? I'm so sick and tired of this. sick and sick and sick and TIRED

Fool. Fool. Stubborn, stubborn, fool.

You do not know me. Good.

But listen to me, Damian Wayne. You are a FOOL if you think this is right. A FOOL. If you do not think of your family- think of the animals. The animals will know, and they will search. They will search over and over and they will suffer.

Don't you dare, Damian Al-Ghul Wayne.

Whatever is calling for you is not home.

It's a lie. By that disgusting disgusting freak that considers itself better. Like hell it knows better. It doesn't. It never will.

You belong with your family. With people who care about you- because you are you. You are stubborn and blunt and rude but you are full of love even if you do not show it. You keep your word. You are loyal. A fool- a self-deprecating idiot! Fit in? In hell of all things? HELL? I have half a mind to march over and shake some sense into you. Beat some sense into you. I. I hate that you are doing this, and I hate more what is being done to you. Damn you, Damian Wayne. Damn you.

Why can't you understand that you are worth so much more than you think?! Why can't you use your horrible snark and shove it towards the damned river!?

I do not know you anymore. thats not fair not fair not fair I know your name. I know your face. But you are a stranger wearing the skin of someone I once knew. I cannot know you. But I will be damned if I stand by and watch you suffer without at least sending something.

Damn it. damn it. damian. how is it even when you are not actively pushing people away with sharp words your words still hurt . it stings. i hate that.

why can you never see just how much you matter do you feel inadequate because you are not you never have been you fool i cannot begin to say. cannot begin - tsk. whatever. I tried. -corvid. Only doing this because I'm seeing stupidity. being an idiot is on you.

The music I hear is a lie? Then explain to me how I've heard it for years. Explain to me how every moment I lie laying awake at night, I can hear that familiar melody echoing in my ears with such beauty. It calls for me. It always has, Corvid. You would not know what a lie was even if it was in front of you. I know what lies are. What they're made from. How they're made. Why they're made. I have lived millions of lives in the shapes of lies for the past eternity, and it's starting to be put together that I will continue living a life built on lies if I do not listen to my melody.

A fool? You call me a fool, yet you're the one constantly criticizing my way of life. I'm tired of everyone putting themselves forward when the end is near. None of you had done this once before, so why does it matter now? Why is everyone so adamant on this when it doesn't concern them. Call me foolish. Call me any names you wish to call me, but know you are right about only one thing. I am not foolish. There is no such thing as foolishness in my blood, but stubbornness? I will admit I have that, but only that.

Your concerns do nothing but make yourself worry more than you should. There is not a single reason as to why you must care for the likes of me. I'm far gone from normality now. It's time to see reason. Time to see that this is my fate that I'm willing to accept. Accept it. It will not be changing. Not for anyone, and definitely not for the likes of you.

[carmillas-vampiric-rage]

Random Bi-Han Headcanons MK1

this man has consumed my thoughts omfg i tried to fight it why am i always shocked when this happens

anyway, here's like a random selection of headcanons i have about this little bitch

warnings: none. my tomfoolery. bi-han being a gay loser.

bi-han x black biracial reader (gn)

he nearly cried when kung lao sliced him with that round blade (he did). boy was legit so upset and surprised he managed to get that blow in despite him being GRANDMASTER and kung lao being INCOMPETENT. picture that scrunch face you make when you trying not to cry and you keep blinking and your eyes burning- that's what he did (canon event)

he is the definition of Mean and Angry Bisexual™. boy is what i like to call a homophobic homosexual. he notices a hot dude or nonbinary person and immediately looks away and says via voice over "no. that is gay."

saw this on another random bi-han headcanon post and i absolutely agree: bi-han loves women of color. i think he primarily dates woc too hehe. let's say hypothetically he hates white people because of tomas. i didn't say that you did. we love tomas in this house btw. and like that same headcanon post; he has a preference for black and black biracial folks. i do not take criticism hehe. this is canon and a fact (he's dating me after all)

absolutely loves when you wear your hair naturally, in any style, he loves when you embrace your culture and family history. he'd never mention or talk about your hair to you, as it seems rude and disrespectful to him, but he thinks it. and he also thinks whenever you wear your hair in a full afro, he's never seen anyone so beautiful. each and every time it astounds him that he's still awestruck.

big cuddler. idc what anyone says, he loves to cuddle. he's literally the most clingy lil guy. after finally finding his person and being able to be vulnerable for the first time since his mother died, he just melts, and becomes inseparable from you. after a hard day, or when he's enraged (a rare occurrence), nothing calms his mind down or relaxes his tense muscles like wrapping an arm around you and pulling you flush to him, your back to him as you sleep soundly. he listens to your soft breathing (or snoring lets be real) and tries to calm himself from the day's frustrations. if you awaken from his entrance, and unsurprising cuddles, you'll touch his hand and squeeze, snuggling closer to him -as if he's not already melted into your skin- and smile as he kisses your jawline and the back of your neck. most of the time, you'll turn over to him, his arm not removing from your waist, and grab his face, kissing his face and lips. the two of you will remain as close, foreheads resting against the other, sometimes talking, sometimes enjoying the sweet silence until you both fall asleep.

like so many others have stated; he was way closer with his mother than his father. when he was a child, being around her was the only time he could actually put his guard down, and be vulnerable. she would protect him. spending time with his mother, were some of the few times he would laugh or smile, as she told him funny stories from her childhood, or tickle him to get a confession out of him, if he'd been the one to steal the last cookie. she was his everything. his closest person. his best friend besides his brothers. and her death broke him. he closed off even more than he already did, vowing never to let anyone besides his mother see his unguarded side. but if he was being honest -and not constantly pushing the thought from his mind- he broke down the night she died, sobbing uncontrollably alone in his room as he clung to the soft baby blue sweater she always wore.

I don't care what anyone says, I don't care what we see in the game or if official heights come out... bi-han is s h o r t. my headcanon is 5'9. that may seem short for him but he just radiates 5'9 energy i do not take criticism. my man is stout so it only makes sense that he a short king.

bi-han used to be inseparable from his brothers when they were kids, their father taking in tomas at such a young age, bi-han always remembers him being there. there isn't a single memory from his childhood that both his brothers aren't in. he'd never tell either kuai liang or tomas, but he cherishes those memories of when they were kids, when they'd play outside every single day, look for creepy and interesting bugs, practice combat, aka, someone ended up with a black eye and sobbing. whenever those memories pop into his head, his permanent frown softens a bit, though he tries not to let anything show on his face. part of him does wish he could be close to them like they were as kids, but he's too stubborn and full of himself to actually try and repair the relationship he's mostly stilted over the years.

~~~~~~~

just a few super random headcanons of my babygirl. may come back to some of these or write another part if i think of more. feel free to add onto these i crave bi-han headcanons!!!!!!!

[nartml]

Your misogyny is showing. Get your shit together

(First and last time I'll ever bother with such a rude ask, but I'll use this oh so sugary sweet statement to get some things out the way )

CW: Rant ahead, not Sakura or Hinata friendly, if you disagree and won't be nice about sharing your opinions fucking DNI, this isn't for you.

My misogyny 💀

Because I don't like Sakura and Hinata, I assume? Why is it always misogyny's fault with y'all?

Respectfully, I don't really care about Sakura and Hinata. I'm mostly indifferent to them, but they're fun to criticize, considering there's so many flaws to talk about.

Maybe I was harsh with my words when respectively bashing them, but what I said still objectively stands. Sometimes, not liking a female character has less to do with misogyny and more to do with the fact that they're really, really not that good.

But alas, I sincerely apologize for my just so disgustingly misogynistic words (in case you don't get it, I'm being 100% sarcastic)

In a bit less harsh, more analytical manner, allow me to rephrase:

Sakura is someone who doesn't fit in the Shinobi world. She's too delusional about her romantic fantasies regarding Sasuke to be able to properly advance in such a harsh environment. And Hinata, with or without her infatuation with Naruto, is an incapable kunoichi. She's far too timid and hesitant to be a warrior.

Now, those are not necessarily bad things. Not having what it takes to be a Shinobi can easily be considered positive; be it because you're a hopeless romantic and that hinders your ability to maximize your potential or because you just don't have the spine or endurance necessary to be a badass ninja. Those aren't reasons to violently hate on someone. Specifically about Sakura and Hinata, those aren't even the reasons why so many people dislike them.

Or at least I hope not. I'd understand the point of your ask better if I had said anything derogatory about their appearance, for example. Those types of haters are annoying, and I manage to turn into both Sakura and Hinata's biggest defenders the moment someone says shit that degrades Sakura for her chest or some other bs, and/or fetishizes Hinata in any way. Rest assured, I'm anything but misogynistic.

But oh shit, it's time we realized that Sakura's "feelings" for Sasuke were simply a shallow school girl crush. And that would've been okay, understandable, maybe even a little cute, if it weren't for the way she constantly pushed herself onto him, consistently referred to him as hers in her head, saw him as a trophy, a blank canvas to project her fantasies onto. She was disrespectful, and her confessions were sickening.

Because how dare you compare your loneliness to that of a genocide survivor? How could you make your supposed love's pain all about you? How could you be so ready to abandon your friends, family, life, and future just to follow him to someone who you know would cause him harm, when you so clearly don't even know or understand him? How could you try to minimize everything he went through, try to diminish all he's suffered in the name of "laughing and having fun like the good old times"? "What about me, Sasuke? I'll be in so much pain if you leave. Please, if there's even a small part of you that cares about me, stay". "I can't get close to you, I can't exchange blows with you, I can only whine and beg, it's pretty pathetic. There's nothing I can do for you".

These are all things she's said and/or done paraphrased. There's so much more I don't care to recall. And they're all very annoying.

Her sole motivation was Sasuke; he's the reason she talks about how she'll get stronger to catch up to him and Naruto, about how she wants to "save" him, or "protect" him, about how she wants to be able to "fight for herself next time".

But she never managed to really do any of it, because it was all so surface level. Her aspirations for life began and ended with Sasuke, a guy she ultimately doesn't know a single thing about. That's objectively pathetic.

I don't like her because of the way she treats Sasuke, because of the way she views him, because of the way she's so pretentious about her "undying love" for him.

I don't like anti-sasusakus who come at it from a "Sakura deserves better" perspective, because she got exactly what she asked for; now she even gets to parade around wearing that Uchiha crest like the trophy it is to her, while having done nothing to earn it!!!

But.

But.

Honestly? They're not exactly wrong. Maybe she doesn't deserve better. But her character would, at least if Kishimoto even wanted to write that story.

What do I mean by that? I mean that Sakura, as a main character, does not benefit from her feelings for Sasuke. It's not that Sasuke isn't good for her, it's that her "feelings" for him aren't.

I'll use Naruto as a comparison. His feelings for Sasuke [No, I don't care how you interpret their relationship. If you want, they can be platonic feelings or familial feelings (you'd be wrong but who am I to judge), or romantic feelings] actually serve as his basis for self improvement.

Usually, in media, love is something that drives characters to be better.

Naruto's love for Sasuke is his greatest strength.

Naruto kept getting stronger, with Sasuke as his motivator. Naruto kept trying to understand him, to see things from his perspective, never held any sort of idealistic "Sasuke would never do that" train of thought.

Naruto got to better understand the injustice of the system through Sasuke and his love for him. Naruto initially fought to bring him back to Konoha, not because he wanted to play house with him, or because he wanted Sasuke to cater to Konoha's every whim, but because in Naruto's mind, Konoha is home and it's safe, away from Orochimaru's dirty hands.

But then once he finally understood Sasuke better, once they fought and he carried Sasuke's burdensome hatred with him, he let him go. He let him travel, leave Konoha, without ever asking for him to stay, because he gets it (Unlike Sakura, who still didn't get it, and did the exact opposite)

In Sakura's case, however, her "feelings" for Sasuke hold her back. Though that's a bit of conundrum, seeing as any sort of achievements she's made are directly linked back to her crush. Like I said before, he's her motive. No, it's specifically the shallowness of her love, the half-heartedness in her convictions to improve that holds her back. Her "feelings" aren't as genuine as she –or any of you– likes to think they are, and that keeps her from growing, from seeing clearly (i.e: in the long run, they hold her back)

They're proof of her superficiality. She's too caught up in romanticizing the absolute shit out of Sasuke, too caught up in using him to live out her fairytale dreams, too caught up in asking others to bring him back to her, or whatever. She's too caught up in whether Sasuke looks at her or worries about her to fight properly. And I mean "fight" both literally and metaphorically here.

So yeah, her "feelings" for him aren't good for her. It would've been a much better character arc, in my opinion, something that could be actually empowering that would give her depth, if she had ended up with Lee instead.

Because Lee is the exact opposite of Sasuke, in the sense that he's ugly in Sakura's eyes (I'll state here that I don't think Lee is ugly, bushy brows and all, he's very pretty to me), and so to end up with him, well. That would require Sakura to see past physical appearance.

Sakura tends to be very judgemental of other people's looks, and the way she treats them is often correlated to how beautiful she finds them.

But falling for Lee would've been a great way for her to move past the cover and read the book. Something which could then translate to her being less insensitive and judgy from then on.

[Sakura fans love to point out that she might say rude stuff, but then she regrets it, so it's okay! To that I say, it hardly matters that you regret something you say and promise that you'll be better, if you're just going to repeat the process the next day]

That said, she didn't even have to end up with anyone. She could've remained single, after realizing how wrong she was about Sasuke. She could've stopped pining after him, and gotten herself a goal that is bigger than just ending up with him.

But that's not who she is. That's actually, an entirely different character. That's not how Kishimoto wrote her, and criticizing him because of that is stupid. He knew what and why he was doing it, and the narrative some of you adopt, the one that goes "no, I'm better than so-and-so, this character should've been that way instead", is exhausting.

Sakura fans never represent her how she canonically is. Truly, 100%, the way she's depicted in the show. They nitpick which parts of her they like, and ignore the rest. You guys love the version of her that isn't shallow, that understands Sasuke, that is assertive, that is 3-dimensional; a person whose hard work actually comes to mean something, who is much more genuine about her love for Sasuke, who is by all means an independent badass. The Sakura who is selfless and understanding and a go-getter badass. And that's okay, I guess. But at least admit it.

It's always an outsider commenting on how "she's better than Tsunade" because they saw her punch one time, or "her feelings for you have matured" (something cancelled out entirely by Sakura later). It's always "I've caught up to them" after something that amounts to nothing significant. We're told she's great. We've yet to see it for ourselves, outside of those five? Six maybe? Eight is my being generous. Truly iconic scenes that she has in the entirety of the manga.

I stand by my closing line on her post.

She's foolish, and too caught up in her own romantic, fantasy world to substantially thrive in a reality as cold-blooded as the one she was born in.

And that's all she'll ever be.

As for my girl Hinata. I absolutely stand by everything I said on that post. Not taking a single word back. Maybe Sakura has a few redeeming qualities; like I said, you could explore her character outside of her crush on Sasuke and make a true badass out of her. (While still acknowledging the fact that that's not who Kishimoto wrote her to be)

But Hinata? There's no character to explore. Period. She's nice. Sweet. Kind, maybe? Sweet. Did I mention nice? I should probably not forget to say that she's sweet. Let's not omit that she's privileged and doesn't care one bit that her family is a-okay with slavery!! OH, and she can cook well. She also has those big boobs. And all her symbolism with Naruto was ripped off sns, coincidentally.

She's very passively likable, and the definition of forgettable. Like it or not.

____________________________________________

As for me, I should make it clear here and now that I am no misogynist. I like to think of myself as a very passionate intersectional feminist, who gives credit where it's due.

These two ladies? They don't deserve the aforementioned credit.

Have a great day 💞

[mauesartetc]

I've observed that some HB fans with trauma feel so attached to the characters and the show that they defend every writing decision and take any criticism as a personal attack. I can understand relating to and feeling sympathy for a character because of personal experiences, but Helluva Boss is a terrible media for emotionally vulnerable teenagers and young adults to uncritically consume.

It just pisses me off that so many people will praise HB for representing abuse with Stolas and Stella, yet ignore the unhealthy relationship dynamics, abusive behaviors portrayed in a positive light and bad writing in general.

Real talk: Speaking as an emotional abuse survivor myself, it pisses me off to no end that Helluva Boss has failed to represent this subject with any sensitivity or subtlety.

It's important to remember that abusers are often charming and charismatic, and they exhibit positive traits (at least early on) that make the other person want to salvage the relationship.

What the hell are Stella's positive traits? In what little screentime she's had thus far, she's been elitist, rude, destructive, pouty, murderous, sadistic, and a little stupid (failing to consider that if Stolas died, Octavia would inherit all his wealth and leave her with nothing). While there's evidence to support the claim that she acted like she was in love early on in her marriage (she's smiling in the Loo Loo Land photo, sleeps in the same bed as Stolas in a flashback and has stated she used to pretend to want to fuck him), there's nothing to suggest her personality was ever anything but odious. Even when Stolas first sees her photo as a child, it portrays an awful little brat.

It's pretty clear Stolas has never had any reason to love her, so why does he stay?

He says it's because he wants Octavia to have "a normal life", aka a two-parent household. But how exactly does that benefit her when those parents are constantly fighting? You might think "Well, that's a lot of parents' excuse for not getting divorced, but that doesn't mean it's right", but the show never challenges his stance on this. There's never a moment when he realizes, "Oh shit, maybe my definition of 'normal' is actually hurting my daughter". He only declares he wants a divorce after his first tryst with Blitzo and on the balcony when he tells Stella he "can't do this anymore". He's doing it entirely for his benefit, not because it would improve Octavia's life.

(And because the writers blatantly favor Stolas and everything he says, I have to wonder if they actually believe the standard nuclear family represents a "normal"- implied in this case to be good and desirable - life by default, regardless of how miserable everyone in the family is. On the off-chance that is indeed the case, as someone who lost a parent at a young age: Fuck all the way off with that, show.)

Also, we're not lead to believe divorce was never an option at any point. If a royal in this world gets divorced, what are the consequences? Would Stolas lose his title? Would he be executed? The whole point of this marriage was to have a kid, so literally what was stopping them from splitting up after she was born (other than the bullshit "normal life" excuse)? Why can't Stolas just visit Octavia? Why does he have to live with her? Plenty of kids with divorced parents still get quality time with both of them. The solution was right there all along, but Stolas felt the need to wait until his daughter was seventeen to split with his wife? For some reason?? The writers try to pass it off as some noble sacrifice he's making, but in reality, he's just being a dumbass.

Okay, so maybe he's just afraid to leave, like many abused people are. I'll have to call bullshit on that, since he never even tried to keep his affair a secret. He's openly flirted with Blitzo in public (at Loo Loo Land and the Harvest Moon Festival, in front of dozens of witnesses) and met Blitzo at a couples-only nightclub, where they sat in plain view of everyone else there. Couldn't even bother using your powers to disguise yourself, bud? Or does that only work when it's convenient to the plot? If Stolas were the least bit threatened by Stella or what the Goetia family would think, he wouldn't be this bloody obvious. While it's possible this is a self-sabotage sort of thing, the show has never given us evidence that Stolas has those kinds of tendencies.

In short, Stella's a hamfisted, stereotypical portrayal of an abuser, and Stolas just doesn't come off like the abuse affects him at all (or at least not until the episode where it needs to for plot reasons). Obviously not all abusers or abuse survivors in real life will fit into the same mold, but there's straight-up zero logic to these characters' behavior. I've mentioned this very astute video before, but here's one quote that perfectly sums up how poorly this show handles character motivations:

There's a... character consistency issue that results from having these characters exist only to dispense abuse. Their actions stop adding up... [Stella's] thing is that she wants to be away from Stolas... Why does she repeatedly show up to the house just when Stolas is around to torment him? This behavior is quite strange. She does not like him. She does not want to be around him... We're to assume that Stella wants to feel mad, wants to feel bad, and that's what she wants to do with her life.

This isn't how real people act. And of course fictional characters aren't real people and any sense of agency they have is just an illusion at the end of the day. But ideally they should feel real to the audience.

I now fully understand why I was leery of these writers potentially exploring a character's addiction. It's because they've shown they can't be trusted to give serious subject matter the care and weight it deserves.

[thatbostonbooknerd]

musings on elain archeron

I was thinking lately about what bothers me about Elain, and something that occurred to me is that the main problem is not her character itself, but how SJM has portrayed her.

The way the people around her interact with her

There is a tendency from Elain's friends and family to infantilize her. This annoys me, because I feel that the only reason they infantilize her so much is that she is soft spoken and feminine, neither of which make her less capable of independent thought. She isn't actually much better than Nesta in the early chapters, but she is repeatedly given a free pass from others, which then creates resentment in some readers (myself included), asking, "why would she get a free pass on not being held accountable?"

This infantilization in turn robs the reader of information about who Elain is and her motivations

I think a lot of readers started warming up to Nesta after she reveals that her inaction was actually her being angry that her father was letting them starve and trying to force him into action. While we may not support the choice, it made her understandable, it made her human. Elain has a lot of choices where she is given a free pass--and because of that, she never has to defend herself, which would give us a window into her thoughts (as we got with Nesta, when she is confronted about some of this).

For example, it's odd to me that no one ever brings up issues like why she did nothing when Feyre provided for them. There are many possible reasons - for example, perhaps everyone infantilizes her based on her beauty and femininity to the point that she believes herself incapable of providing and is filling the role that appears to be carved out for her? - but we aren't given any of them.

And her engagement to Grayson, despite the fact that at that point Feyre is a Fae and she knows he would happily put her to death - maybe she had an interaction where Grayson showed her kindness and she felt abandoned by Feyre, so she clung to this person who presented her with protection. Or maybe she has seen glimpses of empathy and believed she could change him if he got to know Feyre. Even their love story itself, independent of Feyre and how that seems to conflict with it - we see the manor is a dreary place, and she quietly says something along the lines of it needing a woman's touch. Did she perhaps bond with Grayson over the loss of their mothers? Did he tell her how he was expected to fill the role of eldest son?

These are all just examples, there's a million possibilities. But because we don't get any of them, we aren't given the chance to connect with Elain like we do with Nesta and Feyre.

Telling, not showing, her good qualities

The final issue is that, in my opinion, SJM relies too much on telling us about Elain's good qualities and never showing them.

Now, I do think "show don't tell" is often overused - I see a lot of people use it to mean that you should show the minute facial expressions of a character rather than saying they're angry. Like, I'm a big proponent of just saying that they're fucking angry.

BUT where I think "show don't tell" is critical to a good story is showing the traits of a character. For example, for readers of The Poppy War, Rin is shown in her lessons at Sinegard to have ruthless strategy, so her later acts make sense because we know this about her.

We are constantly told Elain is so good, that she is given the power of being a seer because the Cauldron saw how good she is, but we don't actually see her do that much good. She hasn't done much that's objectionable, but she also doesn't seem to have many moments where she is actively trying to help people. And that's fine, not every character has to be a saint! But if a character is established as The Good One, The Kind One, etc you gotta show how exactly they are set apart from others as more "good" other than just ... refraining from being rude. It seems like a lot of it is that SJM has her in her head as having this quality and didn't bother to show it, because most examples we have are more along the lines of Nesta fighting Elain's battles for her, but that just shows Elain isn't super mean or confrontational, which is different from being a particularly good person. This didn't need to be part of her character, but if it is, we have to see it in action or at least hear some examples where she is showing this trait, and not just relative to Nesta's actions.

bonus: more infantilization

Also, there's scenes that just feel like they don't play well in terms of visualizing it. Like it seems weird to me to infantilize her to the point that her being captured - and not physically harmed - feels like it's treated as worse than a girl who is described as having been tortured to the point that her clothes have been almost entirely burned off her and are in tatters.

And Azriel is carrying Elain, but this girl who has apparently suffered torture on the level of a Hostel scene is walking?

(Look, I'm just saying, it's a goofy visual and if I was that girl I'd be pissed...)

All of this to say, none of these things are actually born of actions or traits of Elain, but how she's been depicted so far - for that reason, I'm hoping we learn more about Elain so that I can really connect with her ESPECIALLY if Elucien is endgame. I have a lot of thoughts about why Elucien makes so much sense to me, but I'll save those for a future post. But I actually don't mind how she reacts to Lucien, because it's one of the few times we see something about her (her resentment of being told she must want someone - even though I feel for our boy, that at least is something I can connect with).

But I am wondering if we will have a chance to better understand Elain through her having POVs in an upcoming book. At this point, I'm pretty neutral on Elain - but I hope that SJM can really dive into her character in a way we haven't seen so far.

I really love feminine, soft spoken women who are given a fully fleshed out character, so I think Elain actually has a lot of potential to become one of my favorites. But for that to happen, I'm going to need to feel like I know who she is...and right now I just don't feel like I do.

[sea-dukes-assistant]

I seen you meme about royal watchers who make hating royal women there personality (the ‘why can’t you be normal one), and it made me want to rant so pls don’t mind me 😭.

All of the women in this family are hated for such bullshit reasons while the men only occasionally get the same treatment. Usually when the men are criticized, whatever action they did to get the criticism is usually blamed on the women. Like Harry’s book was literally blamed on Meghan and instead of just criticizing him I’ve seen many people say it was actually M who wrote the book and just used H as cover. As if this isn’t a grown ass man who can’t share his own thoughts himself. Or how Kate is constantly being called lazy or other rude names bc of her social anxiety that causes her to not be a great public speaker. There are people in this ‘fandom’ who literally still support Andrew, but God forbid a woman doesn’t wear a hat at a formal event then suddenly she’s lazy and doesn’t respect protocol (just seen this comment made about Camilla on twitter). Like there are some legitimate reasons to criticize the royals, all of them not just the women, but this fierce hate directed at the women is just horrible. Anyway, sorry for blowing up your ask box lol

Nah it's fine, no worries. I've always found it odd (and disturbing at times) how blatantly misogynistic this fandom is, and it confuses me because this fandom consists mostly of *checks notes* women. Y'all literally out here eating your own. And honestly it gives the impression that those who engage in this are just absolutely fucking miserable people to be around. Personally, it's not behavior that makes me think about trying to be friends, let alone have a conversation with them.

Granted, my experience with the men getting negative attention is different, because people would relentlessly be in my inbox with unsolicited opinions on how shitty Prince Philip was, but I have also noticed that in general. It's always been common practice to excuse Harry's fuck ups and blame it on either trauma (which can be valid, yes), big bro "making" him do shit, or "needing time to grow." The lest one was an excuse I saw explaining away his Nazi costume.

As you said, yes, there are valid reasons to criticize. Wearing open-toed shoes is not one of them.

[thenikster1994]

Aunt who calls me mean and rude and doesn’t respect my boundaries:

I have an aunt who has repeatedly told me I am mean and rude to her constantly. One family trip we took I said something to my dad and she took offense to it and jumped all over me and I stood up for myself. And afterwards I got very upset and left to take a walk. And when I came back she was sitting outside knowing I’d be coming back through that way. Then when I took a trip to go see my long distance boyfriend she was asking other family members about my trip and passing judgement. She’s criticized my sister and brother in law and she criticizes and judges strangers and is always talking about other people business but yet if it is her she would be very upset about it. Once again i answered questions she asked and she got upset and offended again. No matter what I do or say or don’t say I’m in trouble with her and being told by her that I’m being mean and rude and being disrespectful to her. I’m honestly so over her drama. Every time after things like this I always question what I did wrong and blame myself for her feelings and how she responds to things. It’s taking a mental toll on me. And I’ve expressed to my mom I can’t do this anymore meaning I don’t care if I talk to my Aunt anymore. I love her but I can’t take being the blame for everything. I just have a tendency to call her out. She definitely has some mental issues stimming from childhood trauma. Also she drinks a lot yet she will not acknowledge that. But critizied my grandpa on his drinking when he used to drink. What do I do?

[ruminate88]

”People Pleasing” (you’re also a form of toxic)

I JUST now understand it all… I always wondered why I went from one toxic man to the next and there is MANY life coaches and therapist on tiktok who insist you date toxic people based on how your parents treated you… WHILE I understand that and somewhat agree, let me take it a little deeper and wider.

so I did grow up with parents that were positive Christian people who worked in our church and they “served others”. My parents were always putting on the church dinners, setting them up and cleaning them up. Always being nice to people. I never seen my mom or dad get mean or rude to other people. (Doesn’t mean they never did it just because I never saw it as a kid.) I also helped with the set up and clean up all my life!!!

I’ve grown up in a very empathetic and loving home… My older brother was almost 10 years older than me so he was more like a dad than a brother and he was extremely loving and affectionate towards me. Hugging me up and protecting me. My brother was more protective of me than my parents were! That’s mostly what I knew in my home; love and closeness but also my dad could be critical at times of me (not in a judgmental way) just in a way he always wanted me to do better and be better but sometimes I felt like I just couldn’t meet his expectations…. 😓 He was trying to give me “tough love” plus he’s a very opinionated person!!

In school, they labeled me with a “learning disability” and a lot of teachers made me feel weak and less than other children. Plus, the kids in school were very mean and cruel towards me and my only friend Lori. Lori also had a “learning disability“ and she was made fun of way worse than I was… Lori leaned on me daily and because she was my only friend, I leaned on her as well, all the way until the seventh grade!!! I was getting tired of having to protect her while also feeling misunderstood and not accepted by anybody in school except Lori. 😟

My father did not accept me having a “learning disability” he did not accept when they held me back in the third grade. He was very upset I had to repeat a grade!!! I know he meant it with “love” but I didn’t always receive it in the best way. My Dad would never hurt me! I just felt so misunderstood by him…

After the seventh grade, I was doing so terrible in school. My mom had to take me out to homeschool me and my dad was VERY upset and defensive. He did not like me being homeschooled at all!!! 🤪 He complained about it for many many years and I just felt like my dad did not understand what I was going through nor was he really helping me. I felt like he was just constantly throwing rocks, even though he was just trying to help me be a better person… Once I was homeschooled, I now had no friends and the only friends I could really make was on the Internet and I found out the hard way that the Internet is a very toxic place!!!! 🥴

I was addicted to pornography so that distorted my understanding of true love and it taught me bad behaviors and made me look at myself in a very negative light. I also had to become the family caretaker at 15 years old. I took care of my grandmother and my brother’s kids for many years and I was use to focusing on “everyone’s needs and neglecting my own.” That made it easy to date toxic men because it’s a one-sided relationship anyway!!!!

by the time I was 23 years old, I had parted ways from Lori. That was the first time I really felt extreme loneliness, but I had to do it. It was the right choice. Lori had leaned on me so long and I felt like she was crippling my growth. I only ever had the one boyfriend Stewart, that didn’t work out and that wasn’t truly the best relationship either and so I really did NOT know what a good relationship looks like. 🤔 romantically or friendly 😳😳😳

but I had always envisioned this “big grand love” just like in the movies “the notebook” or something along those lines... I wanted this person that we were just so in love and crazy about each other and spend our whole lives together and be so much alike and I wanted that so much! 😭😭😭😭

also porn had distorted my ideas of love, so I thought being very sexual was a good thing actually… And whenever I had my first toxic relationship with Cody, the whole relationship was based on sexual desires and porn and just negativity all around!! there was nothing positive about it, but I thought I had so much to give and I wanted this big grand romance with Cody!! He had told me he was “obsessed with me” and I had never heard that before from anyone and I was so lonely and desperate, it made me feel soooooooo sooooooooooo good 🤯🤯🤯 and I thought I could just love Cody so much, sooo hard and deep, so I just poured all of me into him!!!! Quickly, I realize that it didn’t matter how much I poured myself into him. 😣 It didn’t change him or change the dynamics of the relationship. He was still incapable of reciprocating that love back to me. 💔

Once Cody had ghosted me, I was left with this wound now of neglect and betrayal. I’m so sad and broken. I’m cold and numb, but I still feel I have so much love to give and since I wasn’t enough for Cody, I was hoping to be enough for somebody else. THEEEN I met Andrew!! Andrew was asking me to marry him the first week that we met and wow it was so crazy. I couldn’t believe it. It made me feel so insane and good. I was so excited to have met Andrew. I thought finally I can love somebody and Andrew let me love him for over a year very very deeply but once again, he too cant reciprocate my love and I was betrayed again and I wasn’t good enough for him either…

Finally, I realized that I didn’t know what I was doing! I had no idea what “true love was “and I was running from one toxic man to the next. I met my husband, and I said I was gonna take it slow, and I only took it slow for about three months. To me, that was taking it slow, but that wasn’t slow enough. I jumped into marriage with my husband to numb the pain from Andrew, not even realizing that I was a “people pleaser” that I’m equally toxic and that I have all these wounds from being betrayed and neglected in past relationships!!! I’m super defensive towards my husband and I kind of push him away and I feel this major disconnect!!! that’s terrible! I have expectations for my husband to equally love me as much as I love him and guess what, it’s not there still!!!! 😰 (so what’s wrong with me then????)

This is the first time EVER I’m understanding that, just because I think I have all this love to give not everybody has that same amount of love or can give it back and you can’t force people to treat you the way that you treat them. Being a “people pleaser” doesn’t fix anything. It makes everything worse actually. Neglecting yourself and putting all of your time and effort AND energy into the other person, does NOT make the relationship healthy at all. You have to focus on yourself and make your own self happy before you can ever make your spouse or partner happy!!! I just wish I would’ve known this before…. I could’ve done things different in my past but no time like the present 👍🏻❤️‍🩹

If you are not sure if you’re a “people pleaser”, ask yourself these questions….

“Do I feel the need to give so much to a partner becuase I have felt neglected in the past myself??”

“Do I have low self esteem or negative opinions of myself?”

“Do I feel like I need validation from others to feel good enough or feel worthy of love??”

Growing up in a Christian home, you are taught to “wash the feet of others” HOWEVER, that does not mean you abandon all your own needs and only focus on others. If you yourself are broken or not confident, you’ll chase people and seek their approval. I don’t believe God wants you to “please people” anyway!! Porn is NOT love!!!! It’s sex. Sex is just sex without love. You need to learn the difference because my whole teenage life, I just didn’t know. I was always shamming myself too and beating myself up becuase I felt it was wrong but I was soooo badly addicted, I couldn’t stop and in my toxic relationships, they’re very lustful and focus on sex as well. I felt “accepted” by both Cody and Andrew, I did not feel judged for how much I was into sex BUT I also felt unhappy and shame still. I knew I wasn’t a good woman by any means. 🥺 I wanted to be a better person…..

Growing and healing each day ❤️‍🩹 ONE DAY AT A TIME 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[ahgasegotarmy116]

hi 😊 me again so difh hmm 🤔where do i start I don't think oc is even 49% not culprit she 100% guilty. She has her flaws as a sweet person bt nah nah he did not come across initially as that manipulative. She just wanted to unconsciously 1) save her marriage with a kid (things did seem to be going in troubled waters due to prolonged distress with the og couple) & 2) not ruffle any feathers with him incase he gets too angry with them and cuts them off financially soso ------ There's no way someone says just that and I'll be opening my legs sir you'll be eating with a straw for a long long time 🍼🧊

Also my heart doesn't believe for a second jk is not hitting a younger escort/clg gal at side for no strings emergency service hotline. He totally seems the type and He's emotionally invested in OC at this point there's a huge difference in the highs he gets from both🌶☕

and i love you but i don't think for a second anyone's getting divorce or therapy in that household for a long time. There's no way he'll LET og couple divorce split custody AND LET EVERYONE IN SOCIETY KNOW he fathered 2 kids. It's neither going to be a public thing nor is it going to feature even in hush hush high society gossip radar. 🧐🤣🤣

They'll be caught soon by the husband with how sloppy jk is bt i just don't see any open clear air or therapy or new beginning for the son. Jk's the kind to rub his disability in his face both bodywise, familywise and workwise (like plz how do u come home and tell ur papa i missed my impy flight, are u like 5?? call ur fucking secretary arrange charter plane, reach that fucking meeting in style) how son's so deficient at everything he HAD to make new heirs who are more great like him (can u imagine though if kids especially the boy turns to be 100% jk) he doesn't shows those murderous symptoms but you never know with the kind of psychopath jk is his son might even be in a car crash 😉😉 and then starts the court drama of oc trying to leave but this is fucking Korea and he's richie rich. Hell probably even house her in his mansion and adopt kids as his heirs legally all the while abusing her in private (hiding initially and then in front of his wife) while cashing on brownie points from public. (Maybe even OC was pregnant with their 3rd kid) such sadness on the family and the new kiddo who never got to meet his daddy 🥲🥲

My heart feels for OC though the mental stress she's constantly under and it's good that this is a fic atleast here things can end with her leaving bit i fr don't think she CAN leave EVER if u think about it realistically. She's trapped for life and he's hooked for life on her (third time's the charm😇)

Now I'll completely understand if u dint reach to the bottom of this kyle richards style msg but i have a couple of scenarios do u care that i share?? In the next one they are😊

Hey so I really do appreciate the analysis of the story but in your previous ask telling me or any writer "you're wrong" about their own story or that they're not being they're not "Think(ing) about it realistically" when it come to some of the choices made comes off as extremely rude.

I think/hope you didn't mean it that way so please try to figure out a way to reword that statement. You said "I don't think" or something to that equivalent throughout this whole ask and you are totally entitled to think anything you would like about anything but saying things like "I love you but..." in any context is very hurtful since it's showing your love is conditional.

You can totally give constructive criticism and I'm not super pressed about what you said but I would just say for future reference just because you think something should go one way or was the wrong decision doesn't mean you were right and the person who created the story and put time and effort into releasing it for free is wrong.

At the end of the day the writer has the last say and it's their story. Only they know the full details and true thoughts and feeling of their character and what they would or wouldn't do.

Imagining the story going a different way is fine but maybe keep those thoughts and feelings to yourself if you're telling them that they've made multiple wrong choices throughout the story.

Now I'll start responding to your analysis

I do agree that she is 100% in the wrong and she never said she wasn't in the wrong. In Drabble 1 she admitted to herself "I've backed myself into a corner, and there really is no one else to blame but myself. Jungkook might've pressured me into this but the choice was ultimately mine, and I chose wrong" so she knows that she fucked up.

This might've not been something that you read or noticed but she does think about these things and has been for years. Sometimes it's easy to put the blame on someone else so it would be seen that way but she is self aware it's just hard for her to have Jungkook around and throwing things in her face.

He might've seemed very manipulative at the beginning but he caught her at a time where she was feeling vulnerable and desperate and so people sometimes don't make the best decisions when they're in that sort of headspace and Jungkook knew that and used it to his advantage.

She didn't make those decisions "unconsciously" because she knew exactly why she said yes and therefore knew that although this wasn't the right thing to do it would be the easiest way for everyone to get what they wanted. And just like the title of part three says "I Did It For You" and thought of how much pressure this would take off of him.

Although people might've been able to say no to him some people might've said yes. There were multiple factors to this story and sometimes people aren't as strong willed as some others are. She's all talk at this point because of the fact that she doesn't want her husband to find out.

Not because of the fact that she doesn't want people to know what she's done (ofc that is a factor in it) but because she really truly does love her husband and she knows just how much this will shatter him and she doesn't want to see that happen and that's why it went on for so long.

People think differently and that's what makes life and stories more interesting because if we all thought and felt the same way then things wouldn't be all that interesting and very predictable.

I mean he definitely gets hit on and flirts with other women but he does have self control. In Drabble 1 he says "Darling it's your fault, you've ruined sex for me with other women. Nothing about them compares to you" so he doesn't find pleasure in it anymore because he's 1) obsessed with her and 2) obsessed with the power trip and how he can have her as much as he wants as long and she still wants to keep this all a secret.

Like you said he's emotionally invested in oc and so he feels like theres' no point if it's not with her.

In terms of divorce there's no real reason why anyone with need to know that he's the father. It might be something that comes out later but as far as the public knows he's still just their grandfather.

There are a lot of dirty secrets in high society that no one finds out about and couples get divorced all the time and it's not seen as uncommon these days so it's not taboo.

Plus the secret could still come out whether she was still married to her husband or not. The people that she wanted to keep the secret from already know so she doesn't care if it goes to the press if that's the only way to get away from them.

If anything that would be the best way that she could get her revenge and Jungkook at that point would see the divorce as necessary because what person in their right mind would go around keeping the family together once everyone knows the truth.

Oc doesn't want revenge though because she's not like that and she wants to keep her kids out of the press as much as possible and doesn't want people to treat them any differently.

Will it put a ding in the families reputation if she tells everyone? Sure but Jungkook doesn't have the power to nor have the desire to stop the divorce. Jungkook's manipulation stops when he loses oc.

He's not someone who wants to get revenge on someone in this situation because although he lost her, this is something he's always gonna be able to hold over her head and that's humiliation enough.

No one needs to LET oc do anything because this isn't the dark ages and woman decide what they can and cannot do. He wouldn't lock her in a dungeon and hold her captive because if he did then her mother in law would be the one to go to the press.

Her mother in law is actually very understanding and keeps in contact with oc throughout all of this. Even though what oc did was majorly fucked up her mother in law knows Jungkook and what he's capable of and understands why she did it.

Although you think they'll get caught by the husband that's not what happens.

It might be seen that in that situation her husband was being irresponsible but people make mistakes plus he was being run ragged and this time he didn't want to put in the effort to make things right even though he knew there would be consequences.

He honestly saw this as a way he could majorly fuck up so Jungkook would stop making him go on so many trips. Like who wouldn't be upset that he has to leave his wife and kids all the time? He truly loves them and wants to be there for them all the time and be there for those important milestones.

This was a way to kind of push back and wanted to seem like he was incompetent and that Jungkook needed to find someone else to do that kind of work for him. Someone who might be seen as more capable and qualified. It didn't end up working out that was because Jungkook just assigned an additional colleague to help him so it wouldn't happen again.

It's not his son's fault that he couldn't have kids so let's just get that part out of the way. Just because one slip up was mentioned doesn't mean that that's how he handles things all the time. The reason why he's sent on all of these trips is because he's successful and does convince a lot of clients to sign.

It would be way too suspicious to everyone in the company and be way to obvious and confusing to her husband if he was shit at his job was still was sent to go take care of extremely important matters and sign big clients pretty much monthly in most cases. Like he would give the company a horrible reputation if he was that "so deficient at everything"

Creating heirs is important for a corporate family so it wouldn't have mattered if his son was competent or incompetent, it's something that needed to happen anyways. Of course you want your heirs to be better. Who would want to hand over your legacy to someone who can't do their job or improve upon the company? The goal is to make things bigger and better so therefore you need your successors to be better than the one that came before him.

Saying that Jungkook would go so far as to murder someone does not match his character at all. He's manipulative and if he had those murderous tendencies he definitely would've made that known and gotten his son out of the way a long time ago.

No Jungkook's youngest son won't be like him. Just like Jungkook's first son his mother will be raising him right so that won't be happening. He's more or the artsy easy going, kind hearted type of guy but he will put on that suit and tie and take over the company when the time comes if his sister doesn't want the company instead.

That situation is something that you're allowed to make up ofc but as the writer I can tell you that that doesn't happen. It would be crazy but it doesn't fit well with the storyline and no theres no possibility of a third child.

She realistically CAN leave and she DOES but she knows full well that she'll still have dealings with the family since she does indeed have 50/50 custody of the children.

Again I appreciate the analysis but next time think about the way that you're phrasing things and just because you think something is wrong doesn't mean that it is. We're all entitled to our own opinion but telling the writer of the story that they wrote it wrong is majorly disrespectful.

I feel like you were creating a whole different story with the way you were talking about it 🤷🏻‍♀️

[dragonshapedskittles]

It really bothers me when people say or act like they don’t want to be around me because I’m not happier. I don’t know who needs to hear this but most people aren’t happy 24/7. It’s normal to not be happy all the time. I haven’t met a single person in my life who has expressed happiness in every aspect of their life. Is there even such a thing?

I’m going to talk about a family member for a moment. This family member I have a fairly complex relationship with and we often have issues because we’re more alike than we think. For those of you familiar with my writing, no I’m not referring to my father in this instance. No, no. I’m referring to my one and only blood related sibling. We’re very similar and very different. But the ways that we are similar are exponential. Her husband is one of the most caring people ever, but boy can he be a dick sometimes. A big, hairy, veiny, lopsided dick. However, I was raised by someone who was a dick 24/7 365 days a year, so I’m used to it. Doesn’t mean I like it.

I get SUPER tired of people being judgmental toward me because of my mental illness and because they don’t understand it. You don’t have to understand me to be patient, kind, and compassionate. I’m not saying let me walk all over you- which I wouldn’t do anyway- I’m saying don’t criticize someone for something you don’t understand or aren’t used to being around. Easier said than done, I know. But it’s not easy being around someone who doesn’t see fault in any of their actions and thinks they’re untouchable because they don’t understand- no, that makes you ignorant. And you can always ask the person too. If you don’t understand, ask. It’s what grownups do. I get tired of being told I’m less than grownup because I express myself differently. I have flaws and quirks that may appear as me being rude or indifferent. I have spent most of my life being told (not in so many words, but you’ll get the gist) that I am nothing, all of my interests suck, I’m a terrible person to be around, I’m ungrateful, unpleasant, am immature, “I won’t understand”, “I asked for it” (relating to my sexual assaults), etc. Once you hear it enough, you start to believe it.

A lot of how I feel about myself is based on what I’ve been told my whole life just about. Not saying it can’t and hasn’t changed. But Rome wasn’t built overnight. And I can’t be rebuilt overnight. I refuse to allow another person to make me feel like I’m the problem and I need to be saved all the time and I fear the consequences of my actions. No, YOU are putting those thoughts in my head because YOU don’t want to ask me how I feel and assume that’s what’s going on. It’s hard trying to self-motivate with two diagnosed mental illnesses. It’s an uphill battle constantly and I’m always exhausted. I’ve got a voice in my head procrastinating and the other voice asking me why I try to do anything to start with. It’s not easy and I honestly couldn’t tell you how I’ve made it to today. I’ve thought about suicide more times than I would like to admit because all I’ve felt my whole life, has been a like a burden.

Just writing until I feel a little bit better. Thanks for listening. Love y’all.

[snappleapple]

their favorite types of kisses

people in this - dream, georgenotfound, sapnap, wilbur, punz, jschlatt, awesamdude, quackity

headcanon!

the most disgusting fluff i’ve ever written

warning - cursing, i think that’s all but if there is more please do not hesitate to tell me :)

word count - 2k

a/n: okay okay, i might’ve lied earlier about that being my last post but this was short and easy to make which is why i would like to feed my readers this early haha. anyways, enjoy and please disregard the errors in this post, i hate proof reading anything lol. also, i’ve been very indecisive on the title and i might change it later and ooh, my masterlist will be made soon. i’ve just been feeling very unproductive these days. also, please put in requests, i am so bored and dumb therefore there are no ideas in this brain. and if you’d like a part 2, i might add more people for the part 2!anyways, peace!

dream -

i get the feeling that dream’s favorite type of kisses would be cheek kisses

he just likes to watch as you struggle to reach his height

“aw look at those little legs do their thing.”

ends up with you not giving him his kiss

and mans becomes SO pouty

“y/n…come on. don’t be this way.” :(

if you don’t kiss him on the cheek, will also become SO clingy and whiny

“why won’t you KISS ME!”

clenches his fists and stomps away like a teenage girl during puberty

slamming the door to your room

so then you have to go and give him all the kisses he wants

his face is slammed into your pillow

you sit on the side of the bed and pet his hair

leading him to stare up at you with puppy dog eyes

“i will give you all the kisses you want. so stop being so pouty, you big baby.”

will literally leave zero feet of space between you and him

taps his cheek to tell you he wants kisses

when you go on dates, will literally make you stand on your tippy toes to get his kisses

does not bend down at all and actually lifts his head higher to tease you

in other words, clingy but rude hoe

george -

george is a classic romantic

he loves just lip kisses

pecks or lingering ones

he doesn’t care

mans don’t need too many kisses

nor does he need to be too clingy

total opposite of dream and sapnap *ahem clingy ahem*

if he wants a kiss,

he will come over to you and get it

doesn’t get pouty if you’re busy

just waits patiently

doesn’t enjoy it when you interrupt him when he’s streaming so you do your own thing

when you’re watching a movie with him,

he will literally only stare at you with his cute smile

and listen to your every criticism of the movie

he likes to just peck your lips whenever he feels like it

and you’re just not surprised anymore

just likes to stare at your lips whenever you talk

overall, is very sweet but not to an extent with showing affection

sapnap -

omg

sapnap just vibes with neck kisses

it tickles his neck and he loves them

giggles when you pepper kisses along his neck and flushes a deep red

“y/n. stop.” giggles between each word

but when you do, becomes the saddest person in the whole world

“i was joking.” :(

when he’s streaming and he begins to miss you

would leave his room and find you just to get a kiss

just like dream, would get angry if you give him no kisses

“GIVE ME KISSIES!”

very amusing for you

and you love to tease him

“i don’t want to give you kissies.”

continues to stare at you with a large frown until you give in and give him kissies

lsg supremacy but i’ll get into this later hehe

you better give him kisses or you’ll be dealing with a very sad sapnap

sadnap :(

wilbur -

wilbur, wilbur, wilbur

what can i even say

total nose kiss guy

i bet he’ll boop your nose twenty four seven

asks stupid questions just to get your attention

“y/n?”

“yes wilbur?”

“is a hotdog a sandwich?”

“why-“

“boop.”

“did you just say boop while you booped my nose?”

if he’s streaming and you bring him a snack

he will hold your face still and leave kisses on your nose

not too clingy but not too distant

likes to be just right with you

if its snowy outside and your noses get red

makes dumb jokes about he is rudolph and you’re mrs. rudolph

just a lot of smooches from wilby

takes you to a lot of hidden cafes in the city

and while you read, he balances his head on his palm, staring at you in admiration

if you’re insecure about your nose, you legit can’t be around wilbur because he will go on a tangent about how beautiful it is

substantially, soft boy hours all day bro, besides when he gets mad then you leave the hormonal man tf alone

punz -

i don’t see a lot of punz on tumblr so here we go

punz loves hand kisses

not to an extent where he has a hand fetish

god no but just like

when your holding hands, he’ll occasionally pull your hand up to his lips and leave a kiss

lots of hand holding

and i mean lots

constantly gets mad fun of for being a simp but ignores those comments because he genuinely loves you so much

likes it when you play with his hair and messing it up

also likes to compare hand sizes with you

always has a hand on your thigh or your hand in his whenever he is driving somewhere with you

even when you go on dates, always holding hands

no matter how sweaty your hand gets, he will hold on

sometimes if he holds on for too long, you have to tell him to let go

“punz, my hand is super sweaty. lets take a break from the hand holding.”

would flat out decline so you would have to pry your hand out of his

he would also love it when you would kiss his hand

makes him feel all polite and precious LOL

would also wrap his pinky along yours when you walk together

he once came with you to a family gathering for christmas and was so SHY

shy boy held your hand for security while your younger siblings made fun of you

afterwards, when you were under a mistletoe, he kisses you on the lips before kissing you on his favorite part of your body,

your hand

c!jschlatt -

jschlatt is a whole mess

the first time you met, he confessed that he would hate you for as long as you lived because you made fun of his boots

now he says he still strongly dislikes you but you’re more tolerable

doesn’t like it when you make him soft and HATES it when he blushes

“why must you do this to me, mother nature?”

also “hates” it when you even touch him because he “hates” you

when he actually confessed to you that he liked you with his grumpy usual grandpa voice,

you kissed him on his forehead, after he bent down of course

he is an actual giant and threatens to squash you like an ant if he feels the need to

is an absolute monster to you but loves it when you kiss his forehead because it makes him feel secure and loved

likes to watch the wind blow through your hair and mess it up but gives you his hat because he like you being “all pretty and shit”

gets SUPER jealous when you hug children

like for example, when you went over to a family gathering at his house, his cousins came up to hug you

and when you let go of the child, the man child comes and lugs you over his shoulder

gets yelled at by his mom and gives her a sheepish smile before rolling his eyes and throwing you down on the sofa set next to him

his mom doesn’t approve of the way he treats you but you tell her its fine because he’s cute

when you are far from any type of civilization or in the safety and solitude of your own home, he wants kisses on the forehead

pointing up to it and bending down so you could reach it

“y/n, i only love you because of your forehead kisses.”

“you only love me for my kisses?” :(

“mhm.”

actually feels slightly bad

“and because of your personality.”

“thank you-“

“shut up. we don’t talk about this.”

in conclusion, give him his forehead kisses or perish

awesamdude -

sam just adores it when you give him jawline kisses

not because it’s basically the only place you could reach but because it’s a sweet gesture

sam is all about sweetness

i mean have you even seen this man on his stream

he likes to watch you while you have conversations with your friends

not in a creepy way but more like an adoring way

cause man does he love you

i mean not only does he love you but his whole family does

and when you’re alone with sam, you love to bury him underneath all of your love

“i love you sam!”

“no i love you more y/n!”

“NO i LOVE you more!”

“NO i LOVE you MORE!”

“SAM NO. I LOVE YOU MORE!”

“okay thank you sweet pea.”

leaving you a bit confused but happy that he accepts your love

when you cuddle, omg

he never stops peppering kisses all over your face and vice versa because your relationship is disgustingly fluffy

when he lends you one of his sweatshirts, you sure as hell better wear that shit out or else (i am leaving a blank threat here)

sam loves technology but you guys sort of have a system

a system that involves mailing each other love letters rather than texting them

you guys also go on a ton of walks just about anywhere

hand holding is mandatory even though you probably look like a child compared to him

just give sam lots of love and in return, you’ll receive lots of love

quackity -

mans cannot leave you tf alone

likes to do ANYTHING freaky around you

“i will follow you to the ends of the earth, mi amor.” or

“ayy, back off.” if anyone gets too close to you

messes with you twenty four seven and makes it his job to drive you insane

plays horror games at two in the morning for fun

and when he gets scared, hides in the safety of your arms

“mi amor. i’m scared.”

“shut the fuck up and sleep, alex.”

“okay.” shuts up quickly and snuggles deeper into the crook of your neck

loves you so deeply but HATES your cat

“look at that little dumb thing stare at me. you got a problem bro?”

your cat also HATES alex

scratches him all the time and hisses at him

if you think sapnap is babie, wait till you meet alex

“y/n he bit me!”

when you glance down, you don’t even see a scratch

“kiss my boo boo.”

wtf

“what boo boo? there’s nothing there.”

gasps as if you offended him

“this boo boo that your el demonio did to me.”

this man will do anything to get boo boo kisses

istg, you once found him provoking your cat to get some scratches

in alex’s mind, ouchies = kisses from y/n

always has ouchies from god knows where and shows it to you

even though you find it annoying at first, you grow used to it and it sorta becomes your thing with alex

alex is babie and you need to take good care of him :)

[ghooostbaby]

deeeep dive into why and how wei wuxian and lan wangji love each other, complete each other, are the inverse reflection of each other’s deeply hidden internal selves mirrored through the other’s external self, lan wangji’s inner wildness that he has to conceal and protect recognizing and loving wei wuxian’s outer wildness, wei wuxian’s deep, fuddy-duddy morality and values that he conceals with an elaborate subterfuge of jokes, mischief, and bravado, seeing and loving in lan wangji the ability to say no that it was never safe for him to express directly, “between you and me there is no need for thank you and sorry”

oh and a slight diversion midway through into a manifesto on WEI WUXIAN IS NOT INSECURE the whole story is about a society where being liked is ESSENTIAL for survival and it is actually completely perilous not to be liked, and his “people pleasing” is a skill and tool for his survival especially as an orphan and proven to be a necessary one when he stops doing it and STOPS SURVIVING

after the cut discussing the very interesting dynamics of consent in general in the novel, but not going into the consensual non-consent kink stuff till the last paragraph if you need to avoid for any reason.

I've been thinking about how Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian the exterior, unfettered expression of the wildness Lan WangJi holds in him and protects with rigid codes of conduct, propriety and outward dignity.

I have had this sense that these two are mirrors, either one reflecting the hidden, interior (and unallowed) self of the other. but it seemed more clear from Lan WangJi's side, especially knowing about his history with his mother and the spicy side that emerges when he drinks and in the extras.

I also - just... the way this whole story shows how romantic love is truly this longing for your self, to become yourself, to become the thing you're not allowed to be, seeing in that person the expression of whatever it is you can't become and longing for it, protecting it, joining with it as closely as you can without ever being able to let it live inside your own body.

On the surface it seems a lot more difficult for Wei WuXian to find a piece of his soul in Lan Wangji. I think its a bit too simplistic to see whatever draws Wei WuXian to Lan Wangji as a reverse-psychology sort of craving of acceptance from the only one who won't give it, pushing and pushing against this impenetrable boundary that he needs to break to feel assurance that no matter what he can make anyone accept him.

And he is SO drawn - in a mind boggling way, in the teenage flashbacks Lan WangJi rudely and aggressively throws him off over and over and Wei WuXian cannot keep away! Even when he talks about how boring Lan WangJi is, he never stops trying to be around him and talk to him.

I've seen discussions of the way Wei WuXian has always relied on the goodwill of others to survive, and that his placating of others to survive is a character flaw. Although that seems only halfway true. 

As a young child he didn't have anyone's goodwill for a while and he survived, and it seems like he can always find a way to survive from whatever means and sometimes very limited resources he has at his disposal. Doing what he has to do to become powerful enough to survive losing his core and being thrown into the burial mounds slowly costs him the goodwill of everyone around him - and what happens to him as a result shows how much placation was a truly necessary for someone without the protection of biological/hereditary family bonds.

(Don’t get me started on how his loss of his golden core and his development of demonic cultivation to give himself power by ‘unnatural methods’ through the use of a musical instrument is a metaphor for disability and the way ableist society sees the use of accessibility devices and tools. Actually please DO get my started haha.)

Wei WuXian is so charismatic and seems very used to getting what he wants and needs on the strength of that. He pushes a lot of boundaries and seems pretty confident and flexibly prepared to handle the consequences, whether beatings or harsh words. But he does work so hard to make others feel good, good with him, good with themselves.

When he is in the cave with Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian is described as "like one who forgets all past pain as soon as the wound heals". He can't resist coming up beside Lan WangJi and talking to him again and again after every time Lan WangJi pushes him off, only finally staying away when Lan WangJi bites him (and he still keeps trying to talk to him after a little bit!) and then calls him an awful person (!!! Bad Wangji! :(((( ). In the end, when Lan WangJi (very minimally) discloses what happened to his sect and his father, and even cries, because of all the defences/assaults Lan WangJi has put up Wei WuXian can't do anything or say anything to help and feels miserable.

Lan WangJi just absolutely refuses to allow Wei WuXian to take care of him - and I began to wonder maybe that’s what Wei WuXian actually really likes about him? Why he is unable to resist coming up to Lan WangJi again and again? Maybe because Lan WangJi refuses to let Wei WuXian appease him. He’s not trying to crack Lan WangJi to get to this impenetrable place of approval and acceptance. In a way he can’t quite understand, Lan WangJi is a respite for Wei WuXian from the constant work to be the one who pleases.

And  how different this is to how Wei WuXian is (or has to be) with Jiang Cheng when he wakes up in Lotus Pier after the cave. Jiang Cheng gets so down and really really needs Wei WuXian to do what he does so well (and wasn’t allowed to do with Lan WangJi) - chasing Jiang Cheng down while being injured and reassuring him about all his insecurities about his father's acceptance and becoming a sect leader and Wei WuXian's own abilities excelling his - and at first Jiang Cheng is pushing him away, but he really does need Wei WuXian to do all this to feel better.

Wei WuXian is described as not wanting to be lonely, and not wanting to see other people unhappy, and he keeps trying to push and pull with whatever he has to not be lonely and lift the mood for those around him. I don't think it's a kind of codependency or insecurity. It’s not that Wei WuXian is afraid to say no, in fact I would say he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, but he must always do it creatively, with humour. Similarly to Nie Huaisang, he uses a persona of foolishness to give himself a covert agency.

I also think I'm writing this because I don't like seeing this discussed as a sad bean character flaw for him to always need to be liked - its a strategy, its a tool, its how he survives and excels. Doesn’t the whole story prove how essential being liked is to a human’s survival? And he is so so good at being liked, in making others happy, even when he is refusing to do what others want from him that he doesn't want to do, he does it in a way that deflects criticism, with a smiling bravado that never says what it truly means and has people writing him off as shameless or foolish or just endearing himself toward them despite themselves.

He is always at work really, with jokes and flattery or mischief and teasing, to get the resources he wants and needs. Case and point, when he makes a big coquettish show for mianmian, definitely not being "people pleasing" for her, but the group of girls around them all find it funny and cute and in the end she gives him a perfume sachet which ends up being a valuable resource for later. Or the time he outright tells Jiang Cheng that if you give the girls some lotus seeds they'll remember you and return the favour in the future. (Also notice how his interactions with girls seen as flirtatious are actually strategic resource-gathering acts.) These are the skills he has developed to meet his own needs. (THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. I REPEAT.) He takes what he needs and steals from the Lotus Pier markets knowing it'll be paid for, he lives like he never know when his next windfall will come from so he'll take what he can when he can find it. Like Jiang Fengmian said, if there is no guarantee of a meal in the future then today's meal should still be enjoyed. It’s how Wei WuXian said to Nie Huaisang at Cloud Recesses, you have to find ways to make your own fun out of whatever you have. So he gets kicked out of class, goes fishing, gets alcohol, he pursues his own pleasure. He actually is quite insistent of his own agency and right to choose, he just can never directly say no.

And that little detail that Wei WuXian always tucks coins into his clothes just in case, that makes him able to buy food when he and Jiang Cheng are on the run... breaks my heart and reveals so much about the way Wei WuXian is constantly at work on ensuring his own survival and never takes for granted whether he is safe (he knows he never is). 

I've seen some people talking about Wei WuXian sacrificing so much for his brother and sister out of a need to be accepted out of a chronic sense of insecurity. But isn’t this just true? Doesn't he live in a world where being accepted is absolutely essential for survival? Doesn’t this whole story show the cruelty of a social system based on networks of hereditary/biological family that closes out and scapegoats any outsiders, and that without biological family connections that can enclose around you, you can never truly be safe if not constantly working to earn acceptance? (And then beautifully ends with the way a gay romantic relationship that queers marriage/family/etc disrupts all this and creates safety and inclusion for Wei WuXian without needing a normative family.) (AKA romantic love does not resolve some internal personal problem in Wei WuXian but disrupts and refuses and rebels against the problem of SOCIETY.) (*breathes heavily*)

And that’s why Lan WangJi is magnetizing to Wei WuXian. Lan WangJi is always saying no. Although what Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian is an exterior wildness, Wei WuXian is not really out of control so much as he is playing and caring and supplicating and showing off and pleasing people to get the resources and the acceptance he needs to live his life. He has firm values and desires that he can never outwardly state, only creatively spinning plates to distract and deflect while he refuses what goes against his values, protects who he cares for, or takes what he needs to in order to survive/thrive. Lan WangJi embodies an exterior of resoluteness and direct agency that Wei WuXian doesn't have the luxury of. And he's so drawn to him for his ability to repeatedly say no, to refuse to get along, or make others laugh, make other people happy, but just simply follow what he thinks is right.

Wei WuXian’s outward wild movement protects an inward stillness. He is an exterior of people-pleasing around an interior of refusal. He is an exterior of youthful rebellion around an interior of unflinching morality. He sees in Lan WangJi the outward expression of his stillness, his morality, his resistance that he can't express, that he's had to protect.

FYI after the cut gets more into the dynamics of consent in the story, and the last paragraph directly talks about consensual non-consent kink play in wangxian’s relationship.

When Wei WuXian is with Lan WangJi, there is no work to be done. Lan WangJi cannot be swayed by him, and so there's no point vying for resources or favors. Lan WangJi will either give him everything or refuse him everything based on who he is, it does not matter what Wei WuXian does and he can't do anything that will change Lan WangJi’s mind. Someone he literally can't win over. After the resurrection, they are often in an adorable tug of war, where Wei WuXian tries to take care of Lan WangJi, while Lan WangJi won't allow him to but demands to care of Wei WuXian right back. Actually, Lan WangJi insists that Wei WuXian take everything he wants or needs from him and is even angry when he doesn't take or when Wei WuXian tries to offer a gesture in return, even something as simple as a thank you Lan WangJi won't accept. It’s kind of adorable how frustrated Wei WuXian is in doing this thing he's learned that he needs to do, and just... so confused by Lan WangJi, and has to find a way to please this person who aggressively refuses to be pleased and is ONLY pleased by Wei WuXian being pleased.

(Not to mention the way Wei WuXian delights in finding that Lan WangJi can’t say what he wants, and they have sort of these chaotic cohesive both-being-so-pleased-by-working-hard-to-please each-other moments where Wei WuXian is letting Lan WangJi please him by finding out what pleases Lan WangJi and giving it to him.)

The wildness Lan WangJi had always hidden within himself is something he sees as just as dangerous as Wei WuXian thinks of his desire to refuse. He saw his mother be socially alienated, shunned, and eventually die because of her wildness. His ability to survive in the world, aka to be accepted by his family, is contingent on him being able to control this inner wildness. From a young age (re: Phoenix Mountain kiss) he could only understand his sexual desires for Wei WuXian as something repulsive or dangerous that had to be repressed and controlled, and that the only way he could imagine his desires as possible was as non-consensual. His secret gay desires were never available to him as anything but something monstrous.

Importantly, it’s not like everyone else other than Lan WangJi are all vampires cruelly demanding Wei WuXian’s constant sacrifice. Wei WuXian is always vibrantly, charismatically offering so much, before anyone has asked. It’s Wei WuXian who creates this kind of relationship for himself again and again. It’s Lan WangJi who simply refuses - he refuses to charmed, to be cared for. And so in the end Lan WangJi becomes the one person who Wei WuXian feels doesn't need anything from him. When he says he's eating the corpse's fruit to save Lan WangJi money and Lan WangJi says that will never be necessary. Or when Wei WuXian asks what toy he should win for Lan WangJi at the market game, and Lan WangJi says anything Wei WuXian gets will be the one he wants. (XD stahhhhp it’s too sweet !!!) He really just wants Wei WuXian to be, to exist, to spend his life discovering his own desires and allow Lan WangJi to help satisfy them, he doesn't want anything from Wei WuXian other than him living - happy and safe.

It takes someone like Lan WangJi to refuse Wei WuXian’s aggressive generosity, it’s definitely not an easy thing to say no to Wei WuXian, dazzling or annoying people so chaotically before they even realize there’s something to say no to. The sacrifice he gives to Jiang Cheng, he never even offers a choice - and perhaps it would have been too much for Jiang Cheng to accept if he had the chance.

Lan WangJi’s statement "Between us there is no need for thank you and sorry" seems like one of the most important sentences in the novel, and you can’t help but noticed the way “sorry” and “thank you” is littered meaningfully through the book. What is owed, what the characters owe to each other, the give and take, touches every part of the story (down to wangxian's erotic explorations!).

When Jiang Cheng talks to Wei WuXian at the Guanyin temple he makes a lot of contradictory statements about what Wei WuXian owes, what he was given, what he took, what he (Wei WuXian still) is owed in return. Wei WuXian, according to Jiang Cheng, took everything from the Jiang clan, and paid them back with their deaths. The Jiang clan give him his life when they took him in, and he owed Jiang Cheng service for the rest of his life as the right hand to the sect leader, that’s what Wei WuXian had promised anyway. At the same time, Wei WuXian sacrificed everything (his golden core) to Jiang Cheng, by giving everything he was taking one more thing - Jiang Cheng’s right to even be angry at him. Jiang Cheng had taken everything from Wei WuXian. Everything that happened around Wei WuXian after could be said to be because of the loss of his golden core, which Jiang Cheng might be said to be responsible for. But he never asked for it, maybe he never would have wanted it. He wishes Wei WuXian told him, but Jiang Cheng never told Wei WuXian his golden core was melted while he was sacrificing himself to save Wei WuXian. He wants Wei wuxian to say sorry, but that makes him feel pathetic. And Jiang Cheng says sorry too. It’s a mess of paradoxes, and in the end somehow it seems like the scales are balanced in the most hollow, dismal way.

What is owed, what is given, what is taken ... Wei WuXian has never been part of a family. He has always had to say thank you and sorry for everything he's taken. Wei WuXian himself admits that he used "thank you" as a way to enforce distance between himself and Lan WangJi. Lan WangJi's point i think is that they belong to each other, Wei WuXian is his, and he is Wei WuXian's, unconditionally. The way that Jiang Cheng speaks of him in the Guanyin temple (admittedly I read a fan translation and this is very nuanced, related to slight variations of grammar), even when Jiang Cheng clearly is so broken by the loss of Wei WuXian from his life, he talks about Wei WuXian as an outsider. It is what MY family gave to YOU, never what you took from our family. But at one point Wei WuXian was part of their family - but he takes too much, and becomes an ex-disciple, not a brother. Wei WuXian’s inclusion as a Jiang was always conditional. 

Even when Wen Qing and Wen Ning leave him to go take the blame for qiongqing path they tell him "thank you and sorry", drawing a line between them and him, so he doesn’t even belong to these people who he sacrificed everything for. The way Wei WuXian acted when he was younger, he was always keenly aware of this - he always knew that he didn’t belong to anyone, no one is going to protect him unconditionally. And after first escaping the Burial Mounds, he is done pretending. When Lan WangJi warns him about what a demonic cultivation path will do to his heart, Wei WuXian replies: “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?” He is done pleasing. Nothing has changed really, he still belongs to no one and is alone, but now he is angry about it, and instead of saying thank you and sorry he is going to become too powerful to be at anyone's mercy. And then we see in the story afterward what happens to people who don't say thank you and sorry.

The whole point I think is the impossibility of choice, the impossibility of consent in this society. If he didn't forgo the behaviour his social acceptance was conditional on, he wouldn't have survived the burial mounds. But once he becomes powerful enough to survive and get revenge on the Wens, he is socially outcast. Except he was already outcast from the beginning.

And so how do Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi find a way through all that to a life together where all their desires are possible, where Wei WuXian can say no while also being pleasing (safe) to others, and Lan WangJi can indulge in his wild desires while still being good? The answer is kinky sex!

It is kind of miraculous and beautiful how Wei WuXian finds a way to say no, while simultaneously pleasing Lan WangJi, giving pleasure, while taking it, saying no, and knowing his refusal is not just tolerated, but gives Lan WangJi pleasure, knowing Lan wangji and knowing the painful belief Lan WangJi holds within that his desires are unacceptable and unspeakable, and that Wei WuXian can take care of Lan Wangji in a secret little way and please him and give everything to him by craving this wildness in Lan WangJi while at the same time he gets to say no again and again , and it won't push Lan WangJi away, he can refuse everything while at the same time be totally pleasing and thus safe, and also for Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian's pleasure at saying "no" while still being held onto, that he genuinely wants to be fucked even while begging Lan WangJi to stop (and the many ways he does give his consent for this throughout, especially their first time), allows Lan WangJi the ecstatic feeling that this idea that his sexual desires are only possible through force are not just something his lover forgives him for but something his lover is SO turned on by, and that he has consent for his fantasies of non-consent, Wei WuXian has the same fantasies from the other side, he is doing what he is supposed to while doing what he shouldn't, and actually these monstrous feelings in him allow him to take care of Wei WuXian in a way that he needs - that they both need - and all these impulses that are so wrong with Wei WuXian become very right and a way to do good. And they are just both so perfect and perfect for each other and I love them and I am so happy for them to have a long kinky life together.

[angstymdzsthoughts]

For the fem!wwx and creep!jfm:- Can we get a scene where lan wanji comes to know the truth about creep!jfm? (It'd be interesting to see how lwj reacts to creep!jfm, especially when lwj thought jfm was just a father figure all his life)

Something tells me that Wei Wuxian would still try to defend Jiang Fengmian despite everything because Jiang Fengmian sort of groomed her while she was growing up. So even while she tells Lan Wangji all the things Jiang Fengmian did and said that made her feel unsafe and scared and gross she tries to defend him and feels guilty for ‘abandoning’ her family and being so ungrateful for everything Jiang Fengmian did for her.

Even she knows how conflicted she sounds when talking about it. “He would constantly tell me how beautiful I am and how I look like my mother- but those might have just been compliments, right?” “He use to touch me all the time and would sometimes hug me really tight and sniff my hair- but I’m sure he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable.” “Whenever I was alone with him I was scared and looking for an exit or praying someone else would join us- isn’t that so awful of me Lan Zhan? Who reacts like that to someone who loves them so much? There must be something wrong with me.”

She feels conflicted about Jiang Fengmian for years. She knows that she’s scared of him. She knows what he would have done to her if given the chance. She also feels terribly guilty for thinking or talking badly about him because she still feels indebted to Jiang Fengmian for saving her from the streets and teaching her cultivation. 

As for Lan Wangji? He feels a lot of things. Anger and disgusted and lied to about the man who the rest of the cultivation world thinks highly of. The man abused his authority to make Wei Wuxian feel indebted and trapped. Jiang Fengmian is a disgusting man who desired a child. Lan Wangji would be happy to see the man suffer, but knows he cannot act. Jiang Fengmian is still a sect leader and Wei Wuxian is unwilling to tell other people about the abuse she suffered in his household. 

People make note of how shockingly rude and cold Lan Wangji is to Jiang Fengmian. A lot of people criticize him for it. The lack of respect! Lan Xichen scolds him multiple times but, even more shocking, Lan Qiren stays quiet and only says that Jiang Fengmian needs to reflect on how he conducts himself. Wei Wuxian never asks Lan Wangji to change how he treats the man who raised her. She loves him all the more for it, honestly, and feels safer with him.