#and my brain's immediate response was
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#trying to finish this homework assignment#and it's just me sitting here like#yes i need help#i've known i need help for years now#no i don't want to get it#no one understands how exhausting it is to be alive#and every time i try to express it#i get weird looks#or i'm told i'm severely depressed and then the medication either doesn't work#or it works a little bit and then stops working again#anyway this is just me complaining about my english class#bc we're moving on to ethnographic essays#and part of it includes researching the community we live in#and my brain's immediate response was#oh that sounds like a lot of anxiety no thank you#ignore me
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23Nov23
Lou’s red-carpet mesh could melt butter, But re: Harry’s hair, he went nutter: First said he ain’t seen it Then muttered AI shit … Horse noises, meet Rolling Stone stutter.
#larry#louis#louis tomlinson#rolling stone uk awards#louis performed at the rolling stone uk awards tonight#he walked the red carpet in a black jacket with mesh sleeves#so hot it burnt my tongue#he indulged some red carpet questions#got all cute when asked about niall#and then brain short circuited when asked about harry's new buzzcut#his immediate response was he hadn't seen it#but then his brain caught up and realized people three galaxies over have seen it#so he panic squeaked something about AI images#the two of them trying to feign disengagement is all i'll ever need to know how ridiculously engaged they are#oh to hear harry's response to it all#limerick-lt#november 23#2023#baldrry
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barbie doll gore mod where you can do his hair and put him in situations. it's exactly the same mod
#my routine is i wake up and i draw a gore who looks different from gore and also different from every other gore ive ever drawn#and then i play skyrim until my laptop fan sounds like it's gonna explode 👍#gore skyrim#skyrim gore#gore mod#doll implies a lack of agency but tbh it doesn't feel like that since as a companion he clearly will call you on shit/take responsibility#can't believe how much he claims his own decisions past and present. galaxy brain necessity but also that is so fucking tough on a person#i just replayed blood ties for the first time to see how the other choices go and hooooo boy those consequences are immediate and dire#also the dialogue is so realistically subtle#parts i wasn't sure exactly what he meant before bc he trailed off clicked this time nd holy shit.#so much gets conveyed in those relatively brief convos#i can't wait until im a high enough lvl for vigilant#zivs
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me asking myself if callum would torture someone for information if rayla or ezran's lives were on the line
#tdp#snake boi callum#mine#memes#text post#post of all time. to me#tag ramble#personal fave#cause i really do love this gif#thinking about this bc i'm writing a scene where my OC protag does torture someone and#she's generally more extreme than callum is in general#and i was like 'would he do something like this?'#and not in the same manner (the one she picks is particularly cruel)#but my immediate response was 'no! callum would Never torture someone'#then my brain whispered 'for ezra tho?' and it was like#s i g h s . y e a h#rayla would threaten someone with her knives (hi terry <3) but i do wonder how much she'd actually hurt them#she'd hurt them at least a lil tho#ezran would be staunchly opposed bc he is a Good King lmao
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A little bit about CKC pointing field trials (puppy stakes) in general for those who are interested in how they run.
CKC has its hunting dog events broken out pretty specifically. CKC is restrictive in which breeds can run which events (e.g., only CKC registered approved pointing breeds can run pointing tests, other breeds are excluded even if they technically could complete the exercises. Rory can only run pointing events, she couldn't do a retriever test or a spaniel test).
We also have a distinction in trials vs tests, as most other venues do.
Trials - you are competing against other people and being judged against a standard. You run in pairs. Top 4 dogs get placements, once you get enough points you get a field championship.
Tests - you are running alone and being judged against a standard for a qualifying/non-qualifying runs. 3 qualifying runs gets you a title.
We are currently running CKC pointing field trials.
CKC pointing trials have two main distinctions within them - puppy stakes and senior stakes. You can enter whichever stake you're ready for, with some exceptions (like age) - you don't have to run puppy stakes before running senior stakes.
Puppy stakes are a little lower pressure because they judge puppies' potential. Within puppy stakes, there are two main types of runs.
Open puppy stakes: any puppy *of eligible breed* between 6 and 18 months old. No birds hidden in the field, no gunshots on the course, 15-20 minutes running.
Derby stakes: any puppy of eligible breed between 6 and 27 months old. At least two birds hidden in the field, puppy needs to point birds if encountered, gunshots, 20-30 minutes.
We run open puppy for now. Here's how this goes:
We are randomly paired with another puppy and handler (this pairing is called a brace, the other handler and dog are our bracemates). We walk up to the start line together (usually the entrance to a big pasture) with our puppies on leash. Two judges (on ATV or horseback) give us a quick overview of the course we have to walk. The course is usually through a big open field with medium cover (think knee high grasses and shrubs, some wetlands, some hills but no forest) and typically avoids fencelines or roads. They tell us to release our dogs at the same time, so we let the dogs off leash and start walking (very fast, and I'm a fast walker to begin with). The course is usually huge, much bigger than we could possibly walk in 20 mins.
Usually the puppies play a little bit and then get to work. The judges are looking for puppies who can ignore the other dog and handler, judges, ATV, horses, and spectators, hunt independently, cover lots of ground (move fast and steady across the terrain while still sniffing), use the wind to follow scent, and respond to their handlers' directions. If the puppies want to play too much, the judges will ask the handlers to split up a little bit to encourage the puppies to work independently. Usually you stick within about 10m (25ft) of your bracemate. Puppies can range anywhere as long as they stay visible and ahead of their handlers. (Puppies are often about several hundred metres/yards away from their handlers depending on breed. Rory ranges about 50-100m in real life and about 75-300m in field trials. It is an exhilarating exercise in trust in my training.)
The judges follow behind us and then spectators can follow behind the judges, if they want. We have to keep up a very fast pace to encourage the puppies to cover as much ground as possible, not at a jog but pretty close.
In puppy stakes, you want to keep as quiet as you can. The judges are looking for instinct and basic potential, so you don't want to ruin that by giving your dog tons of directions. If your puppy follows directions, that suggests they need directions to function. If your dog ignores directions, that's unresponsive and also bad. Ideally you shouldn't say much during your run unless there's danger (if a deer runs out, you would recall your puppy) or evils (if your puppy is eating poop, you could recall or redirect). You are allowed to chat with your bracemate but you have to hustle fast so it's usually friendly but minimal.
One important piece of open puppy stakes is that there are no planted birds in the field! There may be wild birds, but it's unlikely. Many people "over train" their bird dog puppies on live birds, and then the puppies get really frustrated that there are no birds in the field after they search so hard. This causes puppies to slow down or give up entirely during their run, so this is something that judges look for. In real life hunting, there's no guarantee of birds so it's important that puppies can work through frustration without losing enthusiasm.
The judges kind of shout directions (go left, head for those trees) from behind to keep us on course. In the best courses, the judges make you walk a loop, but sometimes your time ends in the middle of a field. When your time is up, the judges will thank you and tell you to leash your dog. We recall our puppies and put them on leash and walk them back to our cars for water and snacks.
That's the whole run for open puppy! It's very low pressure. The puppies basically just follow their hearts and do what they were made to do.
Derby is extremely similar, except there are birds planted in the field. The puppies don't HAVE to find birds but obviously its preferable that they do. If they find birds, they must point (stop moving and stand still staring at the bird). They don't have to be steady to flush or shot (they can chase when the bird flies or when the gun goes off), and only blanks are shot in derby. The course is a little longer but everything else is the same.
In open puppy and derby stakes, the judges are just looking for potential. They want to know if your dog would be competitive in the senior stakes, so they're looking for lots of independence, lots of bird drive, lots of stamina, things like that. Because they're judging potential, younger puppies may be judged a little easier than older puppies.
I think that's the gist of puppy stakes in CKC pointing field trials! Send me a message if you have questions about our experience so far!
#dogblr#field dog chronicles#bird dog training#ckc pointing dog field trials#people get frustrated about a lot of things in puppy stakes but ultimately puppies can do no wrong#it is just to see how they do in the field#do they have an interest in the game? do they care about their handler? can they ignore another dog?#its soooo low pressure and so fun#i think rory got placements because she is extremely responsive to directions without me having to say anything#she has extremely good stamina and doesnt get frustrated or lose enthusiasm#and she ranges super appropriately (always within eyesight but far enough out to search)#also she did some extremely nice search patterns and checking the field#it is so cool to see and so fun to participate in#and truly a genuine trust exercise#to see my dog running full tilt several hundred metres away and trust her to use her brain#AND SHE DOES#she does SO WELL#when i give a short whistle and she spins around to look at me immediately?#its enough to bring real tears to my eyes#mav and i cooperated well but never to this extent#i see why people field trial their dogs#it is so rewarding to see her do what she was made for
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KHRe-OCcurrence #1: Purpose
Note: Read this first for more context on how the scene in the comic started.
I was originally gonna wait till OCtober to draw and post something about this webcomic anthology I recently thought a title for, but how can I wait when @myrmyrtheorca dropped such a banger answer to an ask I sent?
Anyway, the KHRe-OCcurrence series features various really short comics that show interactions between KHRe OCs and my friends' wonderful OCs. It "occurs" (and reoccurs) in these AUs that conveniently allows them to interact despite their respective lore. Updates will be irregular for this one, it depends on inspo too.
Read below for the comic ↓↓↓
Thank you for reading!
AD: READ KILLER WHALE IF YOU HAVEN'T YET, LINK HERE 🫵🫵🫵‼️‼️‼️
#khr#khre#khr oc#oc#einart#ninomiya kanako#khr killer whale entity#khre-occurence#i rlly enjoyed attempting to draw entity 🥹 hope i can draw her better next time#when i saw myell's answer my brain activated so hard i set aside the wip im working on at that moment and started working on this lmaoooo#legit my brain immediately generated the visuals for the drafts and response dialogue hahahaha#also this is the most that kana has talked & yapped in my head#i was like omg kana ur talking paragraphs???!!! 🥹🥹💖💖✨ (even if its her lowkey calling a particular set of ppl worthless garbage.......🗿)#(dw guys don't listen to kana she's the devil!!! we all have human ri//ghts)#thank you entity‼️
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R.I.P. Astrud Gilberto, March 29, 1940 - June 5, 2023. Seen here, performing "The Girl from Ipanema" in 1964 with Stan Getz on tenor sax, Gary Burton on vibraphone, Gene Cherico on bass, and Joe Hunt on drums.
#astrud gilberto#r.i.p.#the girl from ipanema#music#bossa nova#stan getz#jazz#samba#childhood memories#damn - hearing this song after so long literally unlocked#childhood memories from kindergarten? of music they played at nap time#not the school or the teachers but someone who lived nearby#close enough that we could hear it gently playing in the background#at 12 noon sharp every day for an hour#and i can remember that whenever it wasnt playing#all of us kids had trouble falling asleep#whenever i do hear it now (which isnt at all often)#it immediately relaxes my brain and my entire body#lol - they pavlove’d a conditioned response into us#hopefully there isnt another song ive forgotten that automatically turns on a murderous rage#anyway - the point here is that im almost 39#and (my fault) but this is the 1st time ive ever even seen what she looked like
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“After Epstein died there was nobody to comfort them or tell them how to handle things so Paul thought he was personally responsible. I constantly saw Lennon & McCartney together because Paul came along to see that I wasn’t rude to John — who I can’t say I got on with. Paul didn’t want me to upset John and thought he could handle me better than Lennon which of course he could.”
— Sir Joseph Lockwood, former chairman of EMI, quoted in Northern Songs: The True Story of the Beatles’ Song Publishing Empire
#something about this quote scratched some itch in my brain that made me want to post it immediately#normally I just add my quotes to the queue (there are like. a hundred?)#but this felt pressing#something about the very sad image of no one being there to COMFORT them#and Paul’s feeling responsible being tied to him making sure people weren’t being rude to John#and the ‘which of course he could’#just got to me#my quotes#paul mccartney#john lennon#joseph lockwood#the beatles#beatles#northern songs
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bigender plural call that a sis-t-him
#is this anything#im so tired. and also mildly drunk lol#i think kacey (our systems Most Loud About It bigender) would think this is funny#and thats good enough for me#this came from a train of thought#where a random hypothetical guy was spawned in our brain for two whole sentences#of smthn like 'please don't shorten system to 'sys' for me. i dont like being called smth so close to sis I'm a trans man'#and my immediate response was 'no problem dude 👍 you get the tem instead'
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Jimithon Mouthwashing is such a good representation of untreated, enabled NPD like it makes me want to squeeze the life out of him. I'm endlessly fascinated when watching him interact with his crew, surroundings, and himself because he's so fucking lost in his own sauce. It's insane. If I'm being real, it makes him my favorite character in the game.
It's a little scary to say, but watching Jimmy is like seeing a mirrored version of myself two years ago before I truly committed to treatment for my NPD. He's like a shadow. The opening line "I hope this hurts," which I believe comes from Jimmy right before the crash, is such a poignant statement. It's a simple line, but I can tell you from experience that the desire to hurt others when in a narcissistic rage is overwhelming. It's such a good line to sum up Jimmy's character in that moment. Luckily, in the real world, I had my friends and family there to catch me when I hit my lowest, even though I'd hurt them so many times. Jimmy probably could've used friends to force him into therapy (cough cough Curly cough cough)
#also I don't mean we're similar in any way when it comes to rape or SA. Please don't twist it that way at all.#I mean like in terms of the jealously resentment revenge hurting others to feel thrilled not taking responsibility not seeing flaws etc#I'm diagnosed with NPD also but pls know my experience will be different from others. We're all different people obvs.#also Jimmy has like wayyyyyyyyyy more things wrong with him not just untreated NPD lol#I would say that untreated NPD is a hell most can't describe#you barely feel anything except rage boredom and jealousy (in my case)#love is a form of ownership and control because you can't really feel it the right way#so your -person- is an object of intense obsession and also a tool for you#if that makes sense? I see that with Jimmy and Curly for sure#You want to tear others down and hurt them because it makes you feel good to put them below you#there's a constant feeling of insecurity and it drives you crazy fr#kind gestures from friends feel insulting#and oh my god achievements made by friends and family in my case feel like I've been shot like I hate when they achieve things#It's not logical obvs but that's something I instantly noticed in Jimmy so i was like .....oh brother lol#and also if they achieve something my brain needs it to somehow be tied to me or I'll make it tied to me so they can be thankful#they should always center their attention on me and if they don't I immediately resent them#these are just some of my thought processes on the matter so I can show the similarities I feel with Jimmy#the KEY DIFFERENCE is all of these thoughts I have are left in my head and not exhibited in my actions (any more. took a long time)#but he is such a nasty human with ZERO introspection that he prob never even thought about treatment#also doesn't help that the hot blonde he's friends with never did anything to help with that#idk sorry for oversharing but ahhh this game is so well written I gotta yap about it lol#also kind of a funny unrelated story to show how weird the achievement thing can be lol#my friends announced they saved up enough to go to Vietnam (their dream trip) and I was happy for them (I really was)#but of course my delusional ass immediately also took it as a threat#and I booked a month long trip to Europe a few days after so I could also announce it LMAO#that is a kind of innocent incident when compared to Jimmy but it just shows how annoying NPD can be#Jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#NPD
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How did you feel about young Cable during the Krakoa age?
you guys think I read comics? (i don’t)
#there are so many young cables out there. I read some of them. not all of them.#I know the word krakoa and im sure I’ve read things about it but any time i hear it my brain tells me i don’t know anything.#sci speaks#people have told me about krakoa. And i forgot about it almost immediately.#my brain is useless.#i feel so bad when you guys ask me about comics and my response is “comics? what’s that never heard of her#what kind of comics hater slash fan am i#fact is I’ve read very little x-stuff#it’s Spider-Man or Deadpool and that’s mostly it. I’ve tucked into a lot of cable but BARELY.. barely.#lots of his solo stuff. barely any of his team stuff (which is like. Most of his stuff.)#it’s too much.. it’s too much…
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I wanna write an akatsuki band au so bad vs I can't think of a fun plot I'll bother sticking with: The two year anniversary
#akatsuki#naruto#Itachi#Kisame#Hidan#Kakuzu#Deidara#Sasori#Konan#Nagato#Really hard to forgot the idea when every time I hear a fitting song for one of the members my immediate response is#Ooo Going On The Band AU Playlist#Every few months I sit down and scribble trying to find an idea#But much like the Akatsuki circus AU I also want to write#My brain says no#Which is bullshit bc my hands have been begging to be able to write it forever#And those bitches never want to write shit outside of like. My three favorite fics.#I think it might just be modern aus tbh#They're so fun to read but so scary to write
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i hate myself why am i so possessive
#and of course my immediate response is to ghost disappear because#my brain goes lmao so u dont care about me anymore guess ill leave first then#whyyyyyyyyyyy#pt
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One of the most uncomfortable experiences of autistic adulthood in my experience truly has been- either relationships/friendships, and the process of building them, need to be easier to navigate or I need to want them less because this no man's land is a special kind of lonely.
And it's not a vague post or pity post, it's just an observation re community building in a local sense. We're told it's harder when you're older, harder when you're sober, harder when you're xyz. But that doesn't take away the need for community or help with navigating the process of building it.
#its a bad brain day lads for many many reasons but im hoping to getnone or two coherent thoughts out#this is v much not a cry for pity just something im seeing over and over as i settle into my year 30 and my audhd#and talk to other ppl with tism . building real community is such a struggle and we aren't given clear guidance on social cues#which we knew going in from a life time of figuring them all out. but somehow i thought itd be easier by now. and it isn't#im still working on it I'm trying to get better and braver but how much of the work is my responsibility to carry#and how much can i hope someone else will bring tk the table#idk. might delete because ill get sick of looking at it#also might cross post and regret it immediately. we'll see.
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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