#and leave you feeling empty!! so what!!!
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girl who is sad :[
#did a really poor job of taking care of myself the last two days and now i am unforch paying for it#sadness shared is sadness split or whatever but i don’t want to keep texting my friends bc im sad abt the same shit over n over#i feel annoying and not in the fun way :(#like omg what *if* your fics r shit! and everything you put any amount of effort into is bound to fall flat#and leave you feeling empty!! so what!!!#like literally it does not matterrrrrrrrrrrrr#i can simply stop writing . which i have anyways . so it’s like. a complete nonstarter altogether#lowkey considering making my fics unviewable for a bit bc they just make me sad#just like. oh wow you used to be able to at least somewhat make things that people liked and engaged with! that’s crazy!!#and now everything you write comes out clunky and shit which doesn’t matter cuz hardly anyone’s gonna read it#much less say they liked something abt it. lol#sorry i’m in a really shit mood. ignore me i just need to be put in an underwater cave#gonna go play games until my brain stops trying to violently claw its way out of my skull
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I'm not getting into The Giving Tree discourse...
#personal#delete later#idk i just saw a post of the “alternate ending” comic on my dash and everyone praising it as an improvement and “fixing” the original#which i kinda resent#while tulli and i was taking my nephew to a book store we walked around the kids section and found the giving tree and we read through it#and i was so stricken by how profoundly sad it is. it's not a happy story#in the end both versions tell the exact same lesson. but one flat out tells you and the other makes you sit with a pit in your stomach#and work to find the answer#i dunno it's kids literature but kids literature is important. i don't wanna discredit anyone's bad memories with the book but also i think#sometimes it's ok to make kids a bit sad and upset with fiction.#tweet that goes “what if romeo and juliet didn't kill themselves and explained to the audience that family feuds are bad”#idk you can't seriously read the original book as an adult and say it's glorifying self-martyrdom#when the final drawing of the book is of an old tired man sitting on arotting stump with his hat fallen to the ground#again i don't wanna invalidate people's feelings if they enjoy the alt version i think it's really nice too. but the original has its#purpose too. imagine if at the end of the lorax they show that the boy did it and replanted the world happy ending#wait they did that in the movie shit#i dunno i just love somber children's literature. tulli and i are talking about moomin right now and how the series ends with the moomin#family just leaving. and nobody gets to say goodbye to them. their friends have to find ways to live with the emptiness they've left behin
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I feel a deep sense of anger and grief for Palestine. I’m angry at God, at the world powers donating to those who are killing civilians, angry at people looking away and encouraging you to worry about yourself when people can’t even walk down their streets without being attacked. I’m angry that my friend donated, only for it to be stolen and taken by the soldiers abusing Palestine. I’m angry that I can’t do much of anything but tell you to at least CARE about the people being bombed and slaughtered. Please, if you can’t do anything please just CARE about these people and listen to their stories. Hold them in your hearts at the very least. Don’t pretend they don’t exist or just brush it off as “its been going on for centuries, there’s no point in stopping it.” I want to do more, I want to make people care and love those who need it, rather than continue spreading anger and hate.
These are real people I’ve drawn. Keep the people of Palestine in your heart at the very least please.
#two of my best friends had to run away from their homes because they were Muslim#it was too dangerous for them to stay#but in leaving they also had to leave behind large parts of their families#they tell me about their friends and loved ones that have died and how empty they feel to it#that they also feel a deep sense of hopelessness and guilt at not being able to help#I have a friend now who teaches me about the qur’an and how it talks about having peace and not being afraid in times like these#so please DONT BE AFRAID TO SAY SOMETHING#Please talk about this with your friends#please educate yourself on what’s happening#please please please just CARE about the people of Palestine#even if it’s scary and even if it hurts you#do it for those who don’t have a choice to be afraid or hurt#free palestine#palestine
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ok hi im back again. can we talk about the hero harem. i wanna talk about the hero harem.
so. what do i mean by this. well, think of a dating sim. now stop thinking about a dating sim bc its not anything like the hero harem. the hero harem is an all you can eat buffet. a basket of bread at a restaurant. chips and dip.
the hero harem is a game of hungry hungry hippos.
see, we can all agree that hero is like. the de facto leader. he's kind and empathetic. a nice guy. easy to get along with. but most importantly: he's the voice you start with. the one you always have. the closest to the long quiet. the closest to the shifting mound as well. this means something probably. but most importantly, it means something to the other voices. they're disjointed and argumentative and the only thing keeping them together is sharing a body.
now, what happens when you give them their own bodies? chaos. absolute fucking chaos. probably some attempted murder as well. but hero wldnt let that happen. he's the glue holding them together. their rock.
what im getting at is, they're all codependant as fuck. clinginess varies but its present in all of them. always an arm around his shoulders or hand on his arm or. just hands everywhere. they're all very touchy in my mind. physical sensation is very novel to them and they want to get everything out of it they can. preferably with their hero.
you may be wondering. do they fight? do they tug at him like a barbie doll? growl and tug like dogs with a rope? maybe a little. in subtle ways. but its more like a class pet type situationship. he is theirs collectively. they pass him around like a bottle of bud lite is what im saying. like "its been one of those days. pass the hero" ykno. they all have their grubby little claws on him. and if we're adding the vessels? oh my god its like a fucking joint at a party. they are all in that shit. like cheeto dust on ur fingers. but like. its feather dust.
anyways, hero is a little silly guy who loves affection he's soaking this shit up dont worry about him. they feed him, they walk him. he gets plenty of sunlight ykno. its fine. hes fine.
#slay the princess#hero starts talking and my stomach starts growling#i need to eat him so bad#hes like 'maybe we could just leave' and im like 'do you come with a side of fries'#hes soooooo. squirmy and wiggly#he would ooze#dont ask what thats supposed to mean i dont have an answer#anyways smitten IS the one who hoards him the most#paranoid is second bc he uses him as a body pillow#i think theres some angst there abt not sharing a body anymore and feeling more. lonely or empty#and being close to each other soothing that itch#like. no personal space. for any of them. they NEED physical touch 24/7 or Else#and hero like. always willing to provide that closeness#idk. its hard to put jnto words#but you get it right
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I just want everyone to know that in the span of 3 days, I have made 3 loads of laundry, and have a 4th already sorted and ready to go (which includes towels / blankets / bedding). I still need to fold them and put them away BUT the important part is done 🥹
#once i out them all away i need to wash my plushies too but i'll leave it for next weekend#the laundry situation was bugging me A LOT. almost ran out of socks#why is laundry the most arduous and daunting of house chores? even dishes are much easier to get through#that post about making coffee in a million steps really resonates with me#because that's what doing laundry feels like. it's not just “wash clothes and put them away”#it's gather all dirty clothing in one place -> double check my “in use” clothes to see what also needs to be washed -> separate by colour#put on the washer -> take off the washer -> check if the clothesline is empty (and empty if not)#put them on the clothesline to dry -> empty the clothesline -> bring them to my room -> sort and fold -> put away -> rinse and repeat#many many steps. putting them outside to dry takes so long and so much energy out of me ugh#(no we do not use dryers here. that's not a thing. also i've had the experience back in the uk and while very convenient#it wears the fabric down so so much. clothes nowadays are made so flimsy and terrible quality#and using a dryer ruined a few of my favourite shirts. i do miss having warm sheets straight away tho)#but yeah. adult does basic chore whomp whomp (it's hard. i get it. you get it. i'm proud of myself and everyone else who has done A Task)#darya talks to herself
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
#or maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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need 2 find myself again in 2025 . tbhwu
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#depression has hollowed me out in2 a shell of my former self#and i thmk i need 2 grit my teeth and just get over It whatever It is#recognizing its no easy task but also knowing i cant keep on like this#and allowing myself to spiral into misery thereby preventing any possible change or growth#sigh …. sogh .. i want 2 be a person again . picture friends circa 2008 outlining me in chalk. i want 2 know theres something there#how u ask (me asking myself)#idk but one way or anotjer . and not in that new yrs resolution fallacy way#anyways . anyways z . crazy how a week off from work will leave u feeling real again#i gotta get out of there . step 1😭🙏🙏#its especially hard when everyone arnd you is objectively doing better. partners finances purpose . >staring in2 the camera 1000 yd stare#u get thru the beast of being a teenager like thank god thats over and then b4 you even catch ur breath#your mid 20s are casting a shadow over u like some menacing thing and u have to gulp and say hes right behind me isnt he#i think people often like to give the advice that youll figure it out but it leaves me feeling so disquieted#bc its like sure im sure i will ive made it this far i can do what i need to get by when the moment matters#but it does nothing to assauge the immediate anxiety and feelings of worthlessness and lack of direction yk#goddmanit assuage i spelled it wrong everyone point and laugh#bc its like what if i dont and i mean that in a very like . existential & not material way . idk what im saying but i think thats the advice#i hate most . not sure if u have felt or do feel the same . -__- like yes oersonal experience sure whatever happens will happen and you will#simply adjust but will i ever feel like its something i want to experience/endure .#whatever anyways x2. im journalling i think that helps me the best rn . and its the one thing thats allowed me hope and i think#having that time to examine and mull over and deconstruct is rly helpful tbh. and i would like to think#over the long term i can repair my creativity and cultivate a new outlet that doesnt leave me feeling empty if i cant draw as i used to#yaar#i feel like i dont write for very long tho thats the one thing that kinda blows#two pages maybe and ive only addressed two maybe three points if im being generous lol i get so bored with the actual motion#when my mind moves 10x as fast . and idc for audio logs either ykwim.#ohh tumblr how i love u . tag system like no other
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ngl. every time i see someone talk about a fairly standard/innocuous bong or pipe that isnt that structurally complex and they talk about the way it would be "impossible" to keep it clean my concern for the ways y'all treat your glass (and therefore your lungs) rises by 10 notches........
#as someone who smokes DAILY: PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLEAN YOUR GLASS OFTEN#if you just change the water daily even/try not to leave it filled with wet it will significantly improve your smoking experience#if your bong is getting BLACK AND MOLDY WITHIN THREE DAYS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT OH MY GD#filters.... change the water more.... DON'T ash into the water........ anything??????#😭#also not rbable bc this is very judgemental in tone and i dont feel like ppl crying to me about why they Should be able to do this#like ultimately do what u want im just really concerned for ur lungs & u can Genuinely have such a better smoking experience 😭#(<totally not autistic ab weed & smoking (lying))#also if u genuinely dont know how to clean ur bong effectively: get at least 70% alcohol & the frequency of cleaning depends on how much u#use it but when im smoking from the bong a lot i do it before every sesh (yes it takes extra time. i find it peaceful but regardless. you#will just need to keep track of ur own habits) and fill the (empty) reservoir ~1/3-1/4 with the 70% and then plug the mouth piece and stem#hole with your thumbs and shake that bitch a couple times to slosh the alcohol on the walls. if theres grime add a couple spoons of coarse#salt (or rice if its a lot!!) and then shake shake shake (be careful dont hit it ofc) and then dump that out and rinse repeatedly#(i personally fill it with as much water as i can and dump it out lile 4-6 times but just MAKE SURE THERES NO MORE ALCOHOL)#bottle brushes and straw cleaners help with residual grime / harder to clean spots but are unnecessary in my experience if you are cleaning#it often enough. for bowls (& pipes) I recommend letting them soak for a bit in some rubbing alcohol while you do this#and then by the time the main piece is cleaned you can use a straw cleaner in the hole part or even a toothbrush or a q tip to clean off the#resin/gunk (i clean my actual bowl less often than the bong itself but also i use filters and the resin helps that stay better)#anyway i love cleaning my bong and i love glassware so much and bongs can be beautiful just be niceys to it!!! it needs baths!!!
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just found out that instead of my mom my fucking shitass dad is coming home FOR A WEEK
#ugh i really want to kill someone rn im so mad#why can't he just fucking leave us alone#i know he used to be home 24/7/365 days just a year ago but istg it took us no time to adjust to life without him#now he comes home for like 2 days and my blood starts to boil i can't bear him he's so fucking irritating and interfering#mom coming home would have been relaxing finally burden free after 15 days#now the burden will be double tripled he's such a fucking lazy slob he can't even get his own glass of water#and he'll sleep in our room because it has ac UGHHHHHHHJHH it's so yuck i won't have a minute to myself and my mental health will decline#even MORE than it already has like if that's even possible#and he doesn't take his fucking meds so he's all weak and sick and lazy and he expects us to coddle him#well you know what fuck him im not even going to pretend to be happy that he's here or be nice to him and try to make him feel welcome#he broke this family up and it's going to stay broken up forever so fuck himmmm#and i have a freaking 750 ml bottle of vodka lying in my dresser what the fuck do i do with it now huh?????#it's only like 1/4th empty 3/4th is still full#and it's my sisters birthday on 26th and they'll both be here ugh i was sooo looking forward to actually celebrating with her#now she'll feel miserable and horrible and it'll be JUST like every other birthday she's spent at home#fucking grand#ugh god i sooo do not want to cook dinner for 4 people im so sick of this#and he isn't even satisfied with dinner he fucking eats like 4 times a day he wants a hot breakfast and lunch and evening snack and dinner#man i hope something happens to him and he isn't able to come🙏🙏 god if you're real 🙏🙏🙏🙏
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Obsessed with how Gortash in "Empty Prayers" AU fits in with the team.
He is a failed chosen of god, as well as Gale, Shadowheart, Nemo and somewhat even Lae'zel.
He is the war criminal type with a really cool class/subclass. He has (bad) history with Karlach and Wyll (due to kidnapping of his father) and (good) history with Nemo.
The party of Gale, Nemo, Gortash and Astarion is pretty much "bad and/or questionable decisions" bingo. They can not be allowed to go out exploring like that because things will go badly (for everyone else involved).
He wants to rule the world, but doesn't have the means to anymore + his former patron god WILL torture him endlessly if he dies, so he cannot die.
He WILL have to learn to rely on other people bc not only he doesn't have a choice in that, but his own survival is closely linked to how well he'll adjust to the new reality.
He probably tries to avoid sleeping or sleeps as little as possible at first because he doesn't trust anyone in the camp but Nemo, and Nemo is kind of the reason of his downfall, so it's complicated.
Nemo has to convince him to sleep and stay guard for him because Enver lowering his defenses amidst strangers and enemies? Absolutely not.
The awful adjustment from being at the top of the world to being at the end of the food chain (again). The determination to climb back no matter what.
The fact what he wears his coat at all times bc without he is vulnerable to fear and that won't go.
Bonus point: Bane not answering his prayers and abandoning him while Bhaal tries to claim Nemo over and over again.
The "my god left me" VS "your god can't leave you alone". Hating Nemo for still having his god's attention, pitying Nemo because Bhaal is the last god you want to be acknowledged by.
#bg3 spoilers#enver gortash#lord enver gortash#dark urge: nemo#empty prayers au#no listen the banters with the team would be so great!!! also i have a feeling Gortash would get along with gale and Astarion both#gale DOES get inspiration from Gortash's coronation#and in some ways all three of them are power-grabby dumbasses#@gale's becoming god and astarion's ascension are somewhat alike to Gortash's rule the world tyrannical spree#it's fun to imagine how all three would interact at their lowest#gortash@astarion: you should use this ascension ritual for youtself#nemo spraying gortash with bog water: no he shouldn't leave him alone#gortash@gale: fuck mystra overthrow her reign#nemo hotting him with a newspaper: no! down. no one becomes a god gods SUCK#gale: ok but i would be different i- *gets hit with a newspaper*#but also gortash@lae'zel: fuck vlaakith. what did she ever do for you?#everyone: *nods*#gortash: and FUCK Shar#everyone: *nods faster*
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female separatism is a fake meme opinion to have and not one anyone is actually doing, considering, or feeling. it exists only as a snarky one sentence comment to leave on political tiktoks.
#i do think some rates of like.... voluntary celibacy will go up ofc though and thats probably a smart idea definitely even less casual sex#amongst younger generations but like#idk political lesbianism i think is a really reviled term when it's more. disenfranchisement???#i do wonder if we'll see more of this mindset outside of tiktok comments but#its hard to have female separatism and also be like a I Dont Dream Of Labor ''#what if being a tradwife is MY decision'' people#idk isnt this a thing straight women have always done i feel like esp the older you get idk i was raised by many older women who like#had this Women Going Their Own Way mentality#like not to be too controversial but theres literally nothing wrong with having the desire to be a straight woman and also be like actually#i dont want to be part of this patriarchal system you can totally opt out of those things and theres definitely enough reasons to want to#now do i buy that any of these temporally outraged heterosexual young women leaving comments that took them four seconds to write are#actually dedicated to living a life free of men No Lol its just like an empty push back against abortion ban#idk people hate the idea of political lesbianism and so do i but its really just the name and the implication it has against whatever the#fuck a Non Political Lesbian is
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me after three days of in-person meetings and team-building activities.
#i understand her completely#that is the face i made this morning at 7:30 and i got up once again to leave my house before 9 am to be social#i am an empty dried husk.#i am a mango seed when you suck all the pulp and fruit off it#it was really nice to see my coworkers cause i work remotely (which is a true blessing)#and i was very proud of myself cause i didnt feel any anxiety going to a work social event/day like I have in the past#it was actually enjoying to interact with people and be social and FLEX those skills that I don’t often get to use#and as much as I like to be a curmudgeon half the time and be like ‘idgaf about what you did this weekend Karen’ you gotta make conversation#there was even someone cute who I hadn’t met before#my grandma and I had a conversation the other day and she’s like ‘so are you dating?’ and I’m like ‘grandma where will I meet a man?’#and she was like ‘you’re right. where would you meet someone nowadays? people usually meet through work#but I work virtually and half the people are married or not cute! but there was a guy in my assigned group who was cute#so I went out of my way to make conversation with him (it was about work and nothing came from that interaction) BUT STILL#it’s a good reminder I *can* have those interactions if I so choose#I was also ovulating though so I think I moving with more hunger shall we say#anyways#i am very very very tired and socially burnt out#i need to go for a long walk. smoke some weed. read fanfic. get off and go to bed. that is my main focus for the rest of the day#thank FUCK it’s friday tomorrow.
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future for scientist, bound for cadaver, and monster for both of them? 🤔
future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?
SO unfortunately for scientist i think the worst outcome for her is. achieving immortality FJNFJFN despite that being the one thing shes working towards yk. i think deepdown she knows this but shes still pursuing it bc shes basically in denial abt it... i think her being immortal would rly enhance some of her worst traits. like she already feels disconnected/dofferent/isolated from other people (which is partially why shes pursuing immortality in the first place) but if she got it it would just be. soooo much worse. i truly believe if she did become immortal shed fuck off to like. the most isolated place on earth and shed never talk to another person ever again. Which she might think is a good thing but it absolutely would not be
bound: Has your OC ever been imprisoned or captured? What happened? How did they get out? Did the experience leave any scars?
soo this one is difficult bc cadavers backstory im changing my mind on it majorly atm... previously i did have him being arrested and held in prison for a while and then being broken out/recaptured by scientist but im not sure if i still want all that .. the like. nature of his ... Whole thing has changed a lot since i originally came up with her so im not sure if that still works. like it Could but idk... so this one is a bit of a weird question to answer atm bc i havent fully decided yet... i suppose depending on how much control you view cadaver as having you could say like. living with scientist is imprisonment but i do think if cadaver actually wanted to get out it probably could. SO idk... also scars r also being reconsidered in my mind bc previously i had him Getting scars but now im not sure if that actually makes sense with the healing thing... but the issue is one of the main reasons i made him is bc i think autopsy scars r cool 😭😭😭 so i dont know...
monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it?
scientist: YAY so i think scientist has always felt inherently other. but i think meeting cadaver RLY changed her for the worst like. she literally regularly murders another person. and yeah he gets better but you dont just like... even if its not permanent you cant just become ok with killing someone without being a little bit off. yk. i think physically shes human (unless i decide that she Does take on the whole possession thing. constant flipflopping in connorland) but i think mentally she goes from being like. kind of a misanthropic loner to being like. she basically simultaneously views cadaver as an ideal that shes jealous of (bc he has the one thing she wants, and bc she feels a sort of connection w it bc they have like.. similar but different motivations. yk...). and if the only person youve ever felt any sort of similarity to is a corpse possessed by ambiguous force i dont think youre like . you know ...
cadaver: so this is soo fun bc ive actually been considering having cadaver a bit more monstrous like. physically. bc obviously shes not human anymore BUT i think itd be fun if the possession had some physical effects on him... currently he just has the extreme healing/resurrection abilities but id imagine hed probably have some sort of enhanced strength as well. and i just love when possession has a physical component... but yes. EMOTIONALLY i think cadaver is weirdly in denial abt being a monster. like. i think she views the original part of her the one that died as like. the monstrous one. it feels more human now that its possessed bc prior to her death she was like. Somewhat similar to scientist in that she was very isolated but it was less of a choice if this makes sense. like scientist consciously isolates herself from ppl bc she just Assumes that they arent like. sorry im turning this into being about scientist again DJFNJF cadaver go lay at the bottom of the pool or something im busy. but yk she has that like. a view of herself thats seperate from other people/from humanity so she just doesnt bother talking to other people bc she assumes they would never understand. yk. so it is A choice to isolate from ppl (altho she also like..does not have social skills at all. as a result of this choice. so yk...) but w cadaver cadaver was alllways desperate for connection but in a like. rather than searching for One specific like. Unattainable kind of connection he wanted anything. and thats why she was so enthusiastic abt the connection bc it meant there would always be like. Someone. yk. and obv post connection shes a lot more like. confident and Able to make friends despite being physically more disconnected from humanity if this makes sense. so yes. i think cadaver is Literally more monstrous than scientist but i dont think thats how he feels abt himself at all.
link to ask game!
#i hope this makes sense i rambled so bad i love thinking abt like. their views of themselves. yk..#the parallels between predeath cadaver and scientist r rly rly fascinating to me which is funny bc I made them up DJFNFJFN but like.#bc w scientist like. her motivation for immortality is bc she wants to know Everything. she wants to transcend like. humanity and she wants#fully seperate herself from the human part of herself that shes always hated. which is the part that Wants connection and wants to feel#understood. she basically wants to be a robot or a god or something like that. yk. a part of her wants to remain human and the rest of her#Hates that part. yk. whereas w cadaver her immortality motivation was kind of like. tbh the immortality was a side effect NDNFJFNF he was#just like Ooh boy a thing who lives in my head who will intrinsically get me and never leave me and well be together forever. And bonus will#help me talk to people and everyone will love me and view me as a god. YAYYYY YAYYYY. and then the immortality is just kind of another bonus#bc w cadaver it just loves like. attention. and being seen in ANY way. so post death i think likeee. bc of its immortality other ppl tend to#revere it . yk. its personality is sort of magnetic despite the feeling of it judt being like. off. yk. i think that fulfills the need and#it kind of doesnt care that its like. they still dont actually understand him yk. hes still An other to them. she just views it as adoration#which is what it wants. you know. i think theres a partnof cadaver that still feels empty and longs for like. Genuine care#if this makes any sense at all. BUT YA IDK. THIS MAY MAKE NOOO SENSE AT ALL. the ramblerrr
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#i cant believe i could've almost been his girlfriend!!!!#im sad that he never asked me and never waited ....#because i know me and im dependable and devoted#i go all in if i love#but instead he .. fell in love fast and quick and i get it. i get why he fell for her i really do so i dont blame him#but... they only lasted a month then they broke up#she left. and i get that she and i are different people#but i cannot fathom how you can have HIM and leave him#i cant even imagine my life without him. he is genuinely all i think about#and she left.... !!!!! i cant understand that (from my pov. she is her own person i know)#i just wish he'd stuck it out and given me a chance (bc he did feel those things for me he said that)#i know the heart want what it wants but oh how i wish#i would've been with him until now. i would've never have left him#i wish i wish he didnt do that bc now he's even more heartbroken and i know it'll just be harder for me to maybe prove myself to him#(btw this sounds super selfish but this is only me venting my feelings!!!)#im still here for him. i've never left. i've been so so patient. isnt that worth anything?#most of the time it feels like he doesnt even appreciate me :( at all#i just cannot believe that HE once upon a time wanted ME to be his gf#if things just had gone a bit differently i would've been so lucky to call myself his#and him mine... that's so crazy to me#that's my dream...#i dont wanna give up on him bc i love him sm i cant imagine any other way my life can go#but.... i cant push if he isnt even replying... i cant bother him too much#then im just crazy#and my anxities arent even letting me message him at all#bc even if i asked if it's ok and he said im not bothering him#im convinced i am. i mean it really seems and feels like i am doing that#so i just cannot even message him..... which makes my life so empty i wanna cry#sometimes i wish i'd never met him bc my love for him has ruined my life now that i cant have him
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#bro why is everyone growing up and away and trying to figure out their lives and careers and loves#and im just sitting here missing them?#like sure im trying to figure out mine too we're all that age so I don't resent them for it#but why don't they miss me? why don't they feel empty when they haven't talked to me in a long time?#like. didn't they feel very light and happy after talking to me like i did with them don't they have a bad day and think that oh ill#talk to me and it will all feel okay even if it isn't just for a minute?#oh ny god i feel so pathetic asking this but like why am i suddenly crying now???#like my bestf. she's so busy in her new internship in mumbai that she can't be bothered to text me back#a simple yes no question for days. like i understand you have cool new office and work and friends and your stupid fucking ex#that you couldn't stop crying about to me living in that city with you but what about me? what about us?? what about you saying#that you're my first bestfriend i haven't told this to anyone else this is forever everyone else judges me but you're the best#like i just feel like if you're going to leave me then don't fucking say shit like that to me??#okay oh my god this is so irrational but i literally can't stop crying and it's definitely pms like i checked#she's not even leaving she's just suddenly busy and adjusting it's only been like a month#but i hate this stupid fucking knife like fear that as soon as someone is a little busy or seems like they're pulling away a little my#brain is like okay they hate me they're going to leave me so pack your bags we're leaving first#like i know a better solution would be to just tell her that hey dude i fucking miss you and i saw this show and remember how you used to#love peter kavinsky because he was adorable and i want to sit and watch it with you and just why aren't we back in school#where we are basically forced to hang out for like 7 hours because im so sick of only seeing you like once in 2 months for a few hours#like i know it's not your fault and we're just growing up and in different directions but just please like five more minutes can you stay#i don't even have the confidence to say anything to her lol she's my only friend like if even she gets mad and leaves#but i know that's not how healthy relationships work. and ugh my sister is so fucking far away i can feel it everyday#in the 5 and a half hour time difference. i hate this i hate everyone everyone has to go so far away#i hate living in this empty fucking house and being responsible for my own emotions fuck this isse accha toh living with dad hi hai#atleast when im there there are only 2 emotions anxiety and boredom. now i have a whole house to myself to cry whenever I need#for however long i need in a locked room. really looking forward to adulting haha i can see just see myself succeeding so well🙄#man this is crazy im gonna go do jumping jacks or something so this comes and goes faster#umm#dni
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With a whopping 54 hours I have officially finished my second playthrough of bg3 and I will miss Je'La every day, actually
Ended up going adventuring with Astarion, met Halsin at the reunion party and Sobbed because the emotion in his voice when you reunite with him and get to kiss n hug again is actually too real. I too am touch starved and a fan of duck facts sir thank you (HE WHITTLES YOU A LITTLE DUCK READER IM NOT ALRIGHT)
Now I did start a few different playthroughs in the past I'm just really bad at following through but this one felt really special and like. God guys I fucking love Je'La she was so fun to roleplay as and dress up like a little fashion doll because it wouldn't be my game if my characters didn't go through drastic hair changes to signify a traumatic passage of time
Anyway I'll be downloading all my screenshots and sporadically spamming them until I'm sick of spinning these characters in my head 24/7
#bg3 spoilers#bg3#bg3 astarion#bg3 halsin#bg3 tav#rambles about bg3 on main again#sorry to literally anyone and everyone who follows me for art and/or hotel dusk shit#you're welcome to anyone who recently followed for bg3 reasons#im so emo btw#ending a playthrough leaves me feeling so empty like what do you mean i can't hang out with these guys while theyre happy forever#rude and mean#so anyway im starting a dark urge playthrough and romancing minthara so. sorry tieflings im going evil mode#it'll be so hard to actually be mean to anyone#im so bad at choosing mean options in video games
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