#actually dedicated to living a life free of men No Lol its just like an empty push back against abortion ban

[maretriarch]

female separatism is a fake meme opinion to have and not one anyone is actually doing, considering, or feeling. it exists only as a snarky one sentence comment to leave on political tiktoks.

[charliedomplerbignaturals]

I’ve never thought about smoe before could you tell me about it :0

ok its been a little while since ive thought about smoe (though i am still ever so dedicated to them) so this post is going to be super super jumbled up so bear with me here lol

in the season 22 episode "flaming moe", smithers and moe like operate the bar together or some shit and turn it into a gay bar. the episode itself is umm................. not really my favorite. but i think they have a ton of chemistry with each other. at the end of the episode, moe is like trying to run for governor or something bc all the people who go to the gay version of moe's tavern think he's gay and could like help get pro lgbt laws passed in springfield. ofc smithers knows hes not actually gay. (or at least not out imo lmao) so like while hes giving some kinda speech or whatever smithers tries to make him prove his gayness to the crowd by asking him to kiss him. tbh i think this part is fucked up and really shows how the writers have like never met a gay person in their lives but WHATEVERRRR anyway moe doesnt do it ofc and he gets embarrassed. but then the crowd walks away and he ends up kissing smithers anyway. and not like a little peck or whatever he like Kisses him. then he says hes "glad he tried it once" but this is actually Not True. this could possibly be chocked up to just the writers not rlly caring about super specific past show events but im going to pretend like this was actually intentional.

moe seems like the kind of guy to lie about a thing like that. in the episode "much apu about nothing" he is seen at the end, after spending the whole episode saying anti-immigration stuff, taking a citizenship test to become a legal citizen. not only this but he is wearing a disguise and is looking around all frantically because he doesnt want people to know it's him. also, he's kissed multiple men in the series, even before this episode. i think the earliest example is all the way back in season 2!

i have a compilation i made a while ago of moments where moe has acted a little gay. feel free to watch if u need more convincing. the very first clip in the video is probably the most convincing one imo and one of my fave jokes with him lmfao. https://youtu.be/ZTd0hleYp5I

anyways. ive talked enough about why i think moe would even have a chance of being interested in smithers, now onto why i think they would go together so well.

they're both pretty lonely, honestly. yes, smithers has mr. burns, but he has stated that he is "the closest thing to a friend he's ever had" which is a bit sad because mr. burns isn't exactly the nicest to him. it's been implied that smithers has to wake up at like 4:30 in the morning for his job (homer the smithers, season 7). he probably doesn't really take care of himself very well. moe definitely doesn't either but in different ways than him. i like to think that they could bring each other out of their shells. moe could possibly help smithers move on from mr. burns. he's been spending such a long time waiting for something impossible to happen, he's gonna have to let go eventually, even if he keeps doing his job. moe could give him another purpose in life aside from being a lackey. smithers could help moe come to terms with his identity maybe. he could also help him feel like he has a purpose in life. i think it would probably take them a long time to truly warm up to each other but i do feel like they have a lot more in common than you'd think and could really do something great for one another :-D

[muwur]

snapchat headcanons

✧ hc’s ✧ for using snapchat w ur boi toi ft. the pretty setter squad

❧ gn reader

✎ 3.1k words

a/n: kinda a combo of how they use sc and the kinds of snaps they send you! along w wat u send them, and uh... dating stuf n shenanigans? texting/snapping habits? my fantasies? IDEK ANYMORE EOFHEFJ

this was born from the recesses of my mind , which desired nothing mor than snapchats from suga , us sending cute selfies , others bein dumb n chaotic , no context videos , n him snapping me photos of some mangoes on sale he said he’ll buy for me DXX it’s too late for me now

doing research on hq bois and surfing thru sc features (im just now realizing theres quite a bit?? im hoping i address most of them at some point lolol) instead of real life tings aHHhhhHAHA

requests: open! will be working on a suga one i got, dw, requester!

sugawara

✧ sends good morning and good night snaps

✧ so he’s rlly good at keeping streaks, probs has the longest ones (one of them being y’alls streak)

✧ posts tidbits of volleyball practice on his story every once in a while

✧ snaps you pics of his sleeping teammates when they’re coming back to school after a long day of matches , adding a single ‘❤️’ as a caption

✧ he will also create colorful masterpieces on all of them

✧ gives daichi a santa beard, tanaka a squiggly stache (i imagine it to look like spongebob n patrick’s seaweed ones now that were mEN), n kageyama sum angry brows,,, wait he already has them lolol u good der kags

✧ posts a picture of you when you’re hanging out, captioning it: “🥰“

✧ has conversations with you purely via snaps

✧ ranges from casual chats and checking up on u to crackwhoring ( ** indicates the photo, while the “” quotes indicate the caption, all snaps are italicized, otherwise its regular dialogue)

✧ suga: *peace sign* “hey sweetheart, how r u?”

✧ you: *pics of homework* “ahh, drowning in school ;-; i cant wait for this week to be over fghjkl”

✧ suga: *close up with :o on his face* “let’s study together tmrw!”

✧ or

✧ suga: *complete darkness* “its 3 am n i cant sleep”

✧ you: *the top half of your head, laying on a pillow* “ ;( aw babe. do u want me to send something to help u sleep?”

✧ suga: *still in darkness* “y u still up?? go sleep. n 🥺 yes pls”

✧ you: *snaps pics of feet* “that’ll be 50 bucks, pay up” 

✧ suga: *darkness remains* “can we make a trade instead? i promise to make it worth ;)”

✧ ok now u BOTH cant sleep (im sry my crackheading be acting up around 2am eeryday, i stan a mischievous suga--)

✧ video chats (in the darkness lol) instead until you both pass out (im not in luv u r 😭)

✧ super down to take filtered selfies w you

✧ does all the silly ones with you (things like ’angry face’ or the frog one)

✧ but also rlly digs lookin cute with you using some heart crowns, y’all an aesthetic (n crakhead) duo fosho

✧ def subscribes to life hacks and tries them out himself, has a 50% success rate

kageyama

✧ doesn’t rlly use snapchat too much

✧ but when he does

✧ will either send you a picture to indicate he’s at volleyball practice (wow wat a sexi lookin gym floor)

✧ or some random picture of whatever he’s doing at the moment (*drinking milk*)

✧ this is mostly in order to save streaks

✧ he’s so bad at streaks

✧ “why does it matter?? what’s the point of sending just black screens or whatever’s in front of you at the moment??”

✧ can’t keep a consistent streak for more than 3 days and also doesn’t care (until hinata challenges him to see who can have the longer one)

✧ when you send him videos of him playing, he really focuses on them to try to improve his technique. asks you to send those vids to him (assuming u saved them, which u did)

✧ but when you look over his shoulder when he’s watching a video and give him some compliment (“i recorded at the perfect moment! that was a really good set, kageyama!”), he gets a bit flustered

✧ gets even more flustered but pretty happy whenever you post videos on your story showing karasuno winning some points with captions like:

✧ “footage of the legendary quick >.>” or “karasuno crows flyin high!” or “these bois make my heart 😭 im so proud”

✧ you WILL catch him off guard in photos, using filters that surrounds his head w/ emojis like 🥺💖🥰💘

✧ you also put these on your story (to his dismay)

✧ ppl comment on these mor than anything else (n for those who dont rlly kno kageyama, theyre kinda surprised to him like this)

✧ hinata snickers “hey kageyama you look pretty good here--”

✧ takes some selfies with you, mostly cuz you want them

✧ saves them after u send them over (n secretly cherishes them)

✧ occasionally watches his subscriptions, they’ll usually involve sports, mostly volleyball (who woulda guessed)

✧ you use his bitmoji to test out random facial expressions you would never see him wear

✧ you: “can you smile and wink like this? act like you’re the obnoxious charming guy in a shojo.”

✧ will actually attempt, but it looks so bad that you die inside and he never wants to try again cuz of ur laughing outburst (you: “😭😭 bb im sorry i couldnt help it”)

oikawa

✧ literally sends you anything and everything

✧ morning bathroom selfie to show off how good his hair came out that day, saying:

✧ “he has risen”

✧ or “i woke up like this”

✧ and my favorite, “you’re lucky you get this content for frEE”

✧ selfies with iwa, who just looks annoyed and exasperated at the camera

✧ sends you pics of his lunch and snacks (“bet u wish u had milk bread too”)

✧ always packs extra milk bread so he could convince you to stay at his practice after school--

✧ FILTERSS

✧ I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENUF

✧ will either use the filters that make him kayooottt (cute)

✧ loves the ones named ‘hearts,’ ‘soft,’ ‘peach,’ ‘butterfly cheeks,’ vsco filters LOL, etc

✧ uses ‘big mouth’ when he feelin a bit sASSY; also loves to use this one when he rants, it channels his inner valley girl

✧ sometimes he’ll be snacking or drinking something while he does so (“hey guys today im gonna eat these milk buns from my favorite bakery and this bomb orange juice and complain about this little kid who talked smack to me earlier and almost made me cry--”)

✧ takes cute selfies with you, is an aesthetic selfie king, puts them on his story to show off he’s hangin with you

✧ but on your story you only post the ones he looks bad in LOL

✧ has separate stories for his every need, some r private (and lucky you, ur included in all of them)

✧ titles them ‘mean things iwa said to me today,’ ‘ranting hotbox + mukbangs,’ ‘a day in the life of oikawa,’ ‘volleyball 🏐,’ ‘unpopular opinions,’ etc. 

✧ fitting room photoshoots lol

✧ “y/n, what do you think of this??” “and this?” “oOH WHAT ABOUT THIS??”

✧ ends up calling you through video chat so you can live critique his choices

✧ “oikawa, please no, i can’t be seen with you in public if you wear those--”

✧ also changes his bitmoji’s outfits from time to time, hopes you’ll notice, but you don’t LOL (oikawa: ;((((((( )

kenma

✧ uses sc usually just to reply to messages ppl send him

✧ indifferent about streaks, but keeps a few with ppl he’s closer to

✧ mindlessly plays the snapchat games with you, finds some of them kinda cute

✧ you both made his bitmoji for him, dressing his up in the orange cat suit

✧ you also helped make kuroo’s and put his in the black cat suit to match--

✧ snaps you every time he gets a new game, starts playing it, and once he finishes

✧ started to post some gameplays and reviews on his sc story (might as well add them to sc since he was already on other social platforms), and ended up amassing a large following

✧ follows the tech and gaming stories on sc

✧ as well as the ones with cute animals--

✧ open to selfies with you, usually wears a calm expression and holds up a peace sign

✧ even occasionally sticks his tongue out

✧ his story is occasionally heavily bombarded with candids of him w/ pretty sc filters, all taken by you

✧ but of all the filters, you love using the clout glasses on him

✧ especially when he’s just minding his own business

✧ “kenma, in his tru habitat” when hes cocooned in a blanket

✧ “kenma, on his way to steal yo manz” while on his way to the bathroom

✧ “kenma, next iron chef. watch out gordon” as he’s cooking instant ramen

✧ “kenma” n das it

✧ but he thinks it meme-y so he lets you do whatever you want, kinda digs it

✧ you end up dedicating your snap story to memes of kenma and the nekoma volleyball team. ppl are in it for the shits n giggles n hot bois

✧ you later discover someone else did the same thing with their volleyball team filled with hot bois from shiratorizawa, and you befriend tendou and share funni internet tings

akaashi

✧ 99% of his photos include either you or bokuto or both

✧ bokuto spams akaashi’s story and contact list with selfies and videos of himself using weird filters, often gets you to join him

✧ has several streaks, but will send something with more substance than a black screen or his bedroom window

✧ will usually involve smthng that just happened to him or smthing he saw, like:

✧ “a kind older lady offered me some apples in return for helping her”

-or:

✧ “how do i break the news to bokuto that the yaikniku place he’s been wanting to go to for the past week ,,, is closed today”

✧ o n let’s not leave out:

✧ “is it possible to conjure a ghost using a wooden spatula, ketchup, and a chalk drawn hexagram? bokuto’s been paranoid ever since he tried last night and i dont know what to tell him. seriously, help”

✧ looks through stories occasionally, comments whenever bokuto makes questionable decisions

✧ also comments on whatever you’ve posted. his words range from “you’re cute” to “why,” depending on the content

✧ ppl know when y’all are hanging out cuz he’ll post smthing to indicate he’s with you, usually it’s some candid and you’re not paying attention

✧ appreciation posts for you as well! esp if you got him something, like onigiri or his fav, Nanohana no Karashiae , for lunch! (akaashi: *snaps a pic of his food* “thank you y/n for feeding me”)

✧ prefers video calling over texting/snapping whenever possible tho

✧ occasionally reminisces thru his sc memories

✧ enjoys the flashback feature and will send them to you and bokuto (cuz they’re about y’all anyway lolol)

✧ also has secretly saved a bunch of selfies of himself, consists of him trying out a lot of the filters (he feelin himself)

✧ you, one day, looking thru his phone and discovering them: “akaashi, you’re so pretty wtf”

✧ akaashi: “...”

koganegawa

✧ sends you selfies of him before practice

✧ during breaks

✧ and after practice, usually makes a comment about how it went for him that day like:

✧  “i hit a decent toss today and futakuchi actually complimented me!”

✧ that, or:

✧ “i got yelled at 17 times today 😢😩”

✧ has quite a few streaks, his longest ones being with you and hinata

✧ def uses filters

✧ tries out every funny one he finds and sends you videos

✧ “look y/n im an aaaaAALlliiEEENnnNNN oo oo hoo hhhooOOh”

✧ “now im a chicky nuggy!!” (chicken nugget)

✧ also enjoys the doodle feature

✧ but he uses the filter with the clout glasses unironically--

✧ usually when smth good happens to him and he feels happy and/or cool about it

✧ “just beat the boss in this game on my 69th try B)”

✧ “kogane, that’s--”

✧ plays sc games with you and thinks bitmojis r cool

✧ kinda sad he cant find a hair option that matches him tho lolol rip

✧ you: “you hair’s just,,, unique,,,”

✧ subscribed to anything sports and fitness, as well as pop culture so he can stay in the loop

✧ also watches everyone else’s stories, pointing out whenever he sees smthing cool and/or interesting

✧ “woahh, karasuno’s at nationals right now! i wish we could’ve won, but next year for sure!!”

✧ you encourage him at all his games, hyping him up irl and online

✧ “koganegawa: best setter 😍!!”

✧ luckily you didnt record the parts he completely messed up LOL

semi

✧ before going out with you, snaps you a pic of his casual outfit like:

✧ semi: “does this look ok”

✧ you: “babe you look great, tendou was just messing with you”

✧ will make unwanted appearances on tendou’s snap and complains to you about them

✧ “i didnt consent to being part of his meme page” and

✧ “okay, but he didn’t only have to share all the moments i messed up--”

✧ also indifferent about streaks but will do them

✧ sometimes sends snaps/streaks indicating he’s practicing his music

✧ when you see these you usually ask him to send you vids or if you can come over n watch

✧ initially is a bit shy about it but he loves what he does and you and knows you’re genuinely interested and supportive so he agrees

✧ secretly rlly enjoys having you as his personal audience

✧ lowkey into asmr, like the soap cutting shit as well as chewing crunchy things

✧ also watches food porn and clips of mukbangs, then can’t resist going on youtube and watching the whole thing

✧  “y/n, can we try this, it looks so good--”

✧ will also often watch oikawa’s stories, especially his ‘ranting hotbox + mukbangs,’ and makes comments about him being an idiot

✧  “this kid he’s talking about is a savage”

✧ but admits they’re quite entertaining

✧ just looks serious in all the selfies you take with him

✧ you: “can you look like you’re enjoying yourself?”

✧ semi: “i look cooler like this tho”

✧ sc memories filled with shenanigans from you and the volleyball team, doodles, and mirror selfies with him experimenting diff looks (you: “tendou, you got him way too concerned about this”)

✧ also enjoys showing off he’s with you, taking a short video of you when you hang out

✧ you: “semi, i look bad right now”

✧ semi: “but you can never look bad”

✧ you: “🥺 bb”

✧ viewers: “aw”

✧ shiratorizawa: “can he be this nice with us LOL”

shirabu

✧ his main mode of communication with you is mostly through the regular messaging app, so he doesn’t use sc too much

✧ also doesn’t care for streaks and is bad at keeping them

✧ will answer to you or his senpais rather soon tho

✧ but lets all his other notifications pile up a bit before finally going thru them

✧ goes through the snaps he receives really fast, spending like 2 seconds each to look at them cuz aint nobody got time for dat

✧ doesn’t even rlly open goshiki’s LOL

✧ you have fun using filters on him and taking videos while he’s just doing his own thing peacefully like studying

✧ it takes him a second to notice and when he finally looks up, he just gives you an exasperated look

✧ cue you cracking up with laughter bc the filter finally shows up on his face

✧ his eyes and mouth are now on mike wazowski

✧ that, or his face becomes so disturbingly moRPhed like an alien

✧ caption: “ken-chan, my future medical man 😍”

✧ “y/n, please, this is like the 7th time in the last 20 minutes--”

✧ finally convinced him to take a study break and hang out with you

✧ which usually consists of snacking and light banter while you lay your head on his lap

✧ and scrolling through snapchat stories and showing him what everyone else is up to and cool things you’re subscribed to

✧ “loooook, dr. miami’s doing another butt job! is this the line of work you’re studying so hard for?”

✧ “no, it’s really not”

✧ is actually very soft with you and likes having the photos and vids for memories

atsumu

✧ sends you snaps where his brother looks bad, captioning it:

✧ “this is evidence that im the hotter twin”

✧ likewise, osamu sends you snaps where atsumu looks even worse

✧ like, the mans passed out, looking rekt and open mouthed, drool seeping into his pillow

✧ osamu: “u still have time to break up with him”

✧ also lucky for you, atsumu also loves to take unflattering photos of you and send them to you randomly at like 2 am

✧ you: “nani tf when did you even take this??”

✧ usually posts a snap while he’s out somewhere like at a match, the gym, outside on a run, a party, or just hanging out with you or his frens

✧ however, makes sure you look good if you show up on his story cuz he wants to show you off

✧ doesn’t really care for streaks, but has a lott

✧ but also has a tON of unopened snaps

✧ is the type to send just a black screen n call it a day, or maybe spice it up by sending a pic of the sexi gym floor (a comeback) w his shoe in the corner

✧ will, however, consistently respond to you and kinda looks forward to ur snaps (secretly hopes you show ur face)

✧ but when you dont:

*in class*

✧ atsumu: *a smirk on his face* “your content’s kinda dry today” 

✧ you: *your sexi desk* “my nudez ain’t free, i demand compensation”

✧ atsumu: *grasped his chin in thought, but angled the cam up bc he needa hide his phone in class lolol* “what if i... take you out on a romantic excursion”

✧ you: * your face but with ‘sausage’ filter* “🥵🥵🥵🥵 yessir, what u want”

✧ rlly only wants to have pics of your face wat a closeted sOFTIE

✧ likes to have content on his flashbacks

✧ usually has other social media sources to keep up to date with things

✧ actually rlly digs using sc filters, mostly ones that’ll make him look like a queen

✧ captions a selfie of you two like: “me >>>>>>> y/n”

✧ but nearly everyone who comments on it is like: “i think you flipped the sign, bro 🤥”

✧ judges ppl who are into soap cutting asmr (you will never hear the end of it if you also like it)

a/n: sc kinda dying for me, my use went from suga to an atsumu to like nearly nonexistent LOL

also o gawd i already have ideas here n there for a pt 2 so stay tuned fjxnwfesd hope it takes me less long cuz this one took me fkin foreva LOL

idk y i made semi like mukbangs but i feel like he’d be rlly into them--

[auncyen]

started writing Maruki/Rumi for V-Day, stalled slightly on how to progress the not-quite-date (Shibusawa third-wheeling lol) but I’ve gotten far enough (2k!) that I want to share what I did get down.

half-cute half-angsty half-devoted to dragging Maruki because he’s sweet but he’s a mess lol

-

Maruki pulled into the Shibuya scramble with his eyes wide open for Amamiya-kun and the other Phantom Thieves.  He'd gotten a text from Amamiya-kun that he wanted one last meeting before he left Tokyo, and if that were the case, Maruki couldn't refuse.  Nor did he want to.  He'd stayed away, aware that Amamiya-kun had enough reason to want no further contact, but on his own side...Maruki had nothing but respect and admiration for the teenager who had used his year of probation from an unjust arrest to right so many other injustices in Japan.  Even if it turned out Amamiya-kun wanted nothing more than to receive an apology in-person, Maruki would happily give it so that he could move on.

As it turned out when the former counselor spotted the group, it seemed Amamiya-kun might want something more practical.  The kids had borrowed a white van that was currently stopped on the side of the road.  Most of them were still in the car, Niijima-san in the driver's seat, but Amamiya-kun, Morgana-kun, and Sakamoto-kun were gathered in front of the vehicle's open hood.  Engine trouble?  And other trouble as well, it seemed, when Maruki took note of a worried look from Takamaki-san in a completely different direction.  He followed her gaze and spotted a dark car parked farther off, occupied by two men in suits.  Were they being followed?  The Phantom Thieves were still notorious, apparently...

Making up his mind, Maruki slipped through the traffic in the scramble to pull up closer to them.  "Need a hand?" he called, pressing a button to neatly pop open the back door of the taxi on Amamiya-kun's side.  Hm...strange.  Morgana-kun was no longer perched on Amamiya-kun's shoulder--had he just dropped down to the street, below sightline, or had he decided to get back in the van?  Maruki had assumed that Morgana-kun would accompany Amamiya-kun back to his hometown, given their inseparability during the school year, but now he wondered if he would have two passengers or only one.

Or none at all.  Amamiya-kun approached the taxi, but simply pushed the door closed again.  "Thanks," he said as Maruki rolled down the window, "but we've got things handled."

"You're sure?  Even with..."  Maruki glanced in the direction of the dark car and the presumed government agents.  But perhaps the Phantom Thieves had a contact whose help they preferred--Sakura-san had glanced at him once, but her attention now seemed devoted to her phone, on which she was rapidly texting.

"Positive," Amamiya-kun said.  "Besides, I think you'll have another passenger soon."

Maruki laughed, a bit uncertain.  "I'm not on the clock," he told Amamiya-kun.  "Well, I was, but I'm taking a break."

"You don't want to miss this fare."

The confidence in Amamiya-kun's voice got Maruki to glance to his other side, wondering if someone was trying to hail him, but no one stood out--and who would be more important than Amamiya-kun, at the moment?  He'd promised him a meeting.  "...You've lost me.  But if I'm in the way, I'll--"

"Dr. Maruki.  You might need to update your glasses if you're driving for a living.  Look again, please."

Amamiya-kun smirked as he spun his pointer finger in a lazy circle, prompting Maruki to once again look away from him, out the driver's side.  He scanned farther now, now sure he was meant to spot someone...oh.  His friend Shibusawa was still at a distance, but crossing the scramble toward him, strolling alongside a woman who--

Maruki's breath hitched.  Her outfit was new, and her hair had grown out a little, soft choppy waves nearly touching her shoulders, but its shade of dark red was instantly recognizable, as was the face it framed.  He blinked quickly, sure he was seeing wrong, but he couldn't stop himself from murmuring: "Ru..."

She looked well.  Alert, aware of the world around her.  She was looking around the scramble herself, and pulled up short when she caught sight of him, prompting a laugh from Shibusawa as he urged her along.

Wait...wait.  Why would she react like that?  He was a taxi driver with ordinary looks.  Why should seeing him surprise her?  Their conversation at the hospital had been so long ago, and he doubted his stilted bumbling would have made a favorable impression, let alone a memorable one.  So why...why was she straying from scramble's crosswalk, closely followed by Shibusawa, coming straight toward him?

Dumbly, Maruki thought: ‘she's coming toward the taxi, not you.  Amamiya-kun mentioned a fare.  She needs a ride.’  He knew that didn't add up, was far too coincidental, but he couldn't get his mind wrapped around the sight of Rumi actually in front of him, looking uncertain, which made his heart hurt, but also looking at him like she wanted to talk to him, like she knew him, which had him ready to pull out his heart and back out over it the minute she asked if he could take her somewhere and reminded him he was just a stranger, just a strange taxi driver who'd been staring far too long--

"She remembers," a voice said quietly.  Amamiya-kun seemed to be taking pity on him.  "At least, enough that she wanted to meet you again.  That's one desire I think you should grant."

"Mren!  Gah th' plug!" a higher-pitched, strangely muffled voice said.  Maruki heard something being spat out, and then Morgana-kun's voice became clearer: "Ohhh, there's Rumi!  She really is pretty!  Cognition tends to embellish, you know."

If any part of Maruki had been able to think clearly past the question of "how could Rumi remember?", it was instantly demolished by the reminder that all of the teenagers currently watching him had been inside his mind and yes, must have seen quite a bit of Rumi.

(There had been statues.  She deserved them, yes, but that didn't keep his face from heating up.)

Shibusawa called out and waved, and Rumi waved as well, if more shyly, still with uncertainty, and Maruki heard a reprimand along the lines of "that is your lady love, how can you sit there like a lump?" interrupted by "no pressure, Dr. Maruki.  Morgana, let them figure it out" and then he fully appreciated that Morgana-kun had a point.  He was just sitting like a lump, and he scrambled to open the door and stand to meet Rumi, except he'd forgotten to take his seatbelt off, and while he fumbled with the button to get free he heard a boy guffaw before making a half-hearted attempt to stifle the laughter--Sakamoto-kun.

At least Maruki's brief stint at Shujin had gotten him used to embarrassing himself in front of teenagers.  When he was at last unbelted and out of the car, even Shibusawa looked faintly amused, but Rumi...

Rumi's smile was so warm, and some of the nervousness had left her face, leaving a fondness that Maruki nearly found overwhelming.  He didn't deserve it.  Still, he found his tongue so that he could at least greet her.  "Hello, Rumi.  It's been a while," he said, and maybe he shouldn't have said that, because her expression flickered, becoming a little quieter.  He tried to move on quickly, though it was difficult to know what to talk about when he still didn't understand how she was even here.  "Have you been well?"

"I'm fine, Takuto," she answered.  "What about you?  You're a taxi driver now?  How did that happen?"

Her tone was polite, but Maruki was sure there was a plethora of questions behind it.  Rumi knew--or at least she had known, and she seemed to remember now--how dedicated he'd been to cognitive psience and his research, wanting to find ways to help victims of trauma.  She must be wondering what had pushed him to leave the field, and that was a heavy subject, especially since it started with what he'd done to her. He'd tell her, of course.  It was just a matter of figuring out how, and the appropriate time, which wasn't in the middle of the scramble.  "Ah, well," Maruki said.  "You know how it can be in academia--sometimes the funding just isn't there."  Half-truth for now; it was, at least, what had pushed him out of research and into counseling.

But it wasn't enough.  He needed to tell her what he'd done, if she hadn't already figured it out, and apologize.

Shibusawa had been watching the two of them, but he glanced up as the Phantom Thieves' van rumbled to life.  Maruki let himself look as well.  "Nice job!  On the first try!" Niijima-san was praising someone.  Most of the teenagers seemed to have lost interest in the adult drama unfolding nearby (Maruki was unsurprised to see Kitagawa-kun being the exception, staring quite intently and meeting his gaze without shame), but as the car started to pull away, Sakura-san stopped texting and Amamiya-kun glanced to Maruki and then Shibusawa, who was checking his phone.

...Of course this had been coordinated.  But how much did Shibusawa know?

Enough, at least, that he seemed understanding of how awkward the situation was, offering both Rumi and Maruki a smile as he rubbed the back of his neck.  "Rumi, you had a long train ride here, didn't you?  Let's grab a bite to eat.  You don't mind driving, do you, Takuto?"

"Oh--oh, no," Maruki said quickly, "Hop in, both of you.  No charge."

Shibusawa frowned.  "You know I'm inviting you too, right?"

"Er, right!  Of course."  It hadn't completely registered that the invitation was also for him, no.

"If," Rumi spoke up, one hand clutching the strap of her purse.  Maruki dimly registered the silver chain bracelet on her wrist; he'd bought it for her their first White Day.  Did she remember?  "If I'm making you uncomfortable--"

"No!  Rumi, it's nothing like that."  God, he was screwing this completely.  "It's just...after everything that happened, I...I didn't think we'd be able to talk again.  Not like this."  He leaned over the open car door, quickly popping over the back door for passengers again.  "Let's go eat somewhere.  What do you feel like?"

-

They decided on an okonomiyaki restaurant.  Shibusawa knew a good one in the area and gave directions from the back.  In between turns, the conversation stayed safe, neutral.  Rumi was still living with her grandparents.  She was working as a financial counselor again, though at a different bank than before.  She got along with her coworkers, and her boss was the genial sort, if a bit over-talkative at times.

She'd been seeing someone for a couple months, but they'd broken up in January.  She offered the information haltingly, and Maruki quickly flashed her a smile in the rearview mirror to show he wasn't hurt by it.  He wasn't her fiancé anymore, after all.

Of course, it also helped that he'd already known about most of that, having checked on her in January to make sure she was happy in the world he was creating for her sake.  The only thing he hadn't known about was the breakup.  "His loss," he said lightheartedly, even if he found it puzzling.  When he'd checked in January, they'd both seemed content in the relationship, and he'd done nothing to alter that part of Rumi's life, all too aware his feelings might cloud his judgment.  He remembered easing her grandfather's back pain, making two coworkers happier, and reopening her favorite store that had closed in October.  Nothing with the boyfriend.  He couldn't even remember the guy's name now, just that he'd had a job that paid well.  Maruki probably wouldn't even remember that, except that at the time it had caused an odd stab of jealousy and remorse that Rumi's parents would most certainly have approved of this man, someone well-suited to take care of their daughter.  An irrational feeling, despicably petty.  He'd known to stay well away from touching Rumi's relationship when it was already happy.  So how was it that they'd broken up in the same timeframe in this reality, yet been so happy in his, even though Maruki hadn't changed anything?  But it wasn't any of his business.  "You're wonderful, Rumi.  I'm sure you'll find someone who knows to treasure you."

"Takuto..."  Rumi sounded happy, but also hesitant, and Maruki glanced up to see that she was blushing while looking out the passenger window.  "Thank you."

Shibusawa, seated next to her, was staring at Maruki the same way he had that time in college when Maruki had called him in a drunken panic about being locked out of his apartment at 2 a.m., only for his hand to finally land on the key in his jacket's pocket the second his friend had shown up to help him.

The trio got to the restaurant, got themselves a table, and started grilling okonomiyaki once the ingredients were ready.  They kept up small talk, Maruki filling in the gaping pauses that opened up at questions like "how are you doing?" and "are you seeing anyone?" with stories about Shujin's faculty and student body and the more colorful customers he'd already met as a taxi driver.  He thought they did a good job of covering up how empty his life had been.  He didn't want to cause Rumi any concern, not when she could be laughing and smiling and he could actually witness it, bask in her delight.

Shibusawa seemed amused too at first, smiling a little, but he became more serious when Rumi excused herself to the restroom.  "Hey, man.  I know I'm in the dark about what happened between you and Rumi before.  All I know is that it was terrible for both of you.  If you're not interested, I get that.  But...you do realize she is, don't you?"

"She's not," Maruki said automatically, because it just wasn't realistic. She shouldn't even remember him.  Not knowing what had changed her cognition, he couldn't even be sure it wouldn't revert at any moment.  She might come back to their table and ask who he was.  She might walk past them and simply leave the restaurant.  He'd already let her go once--he couldn't get attached again.

Even if it was already a bit late for that.

[yaboylevi]

Does Eren's question mean that he has a cruch on Mikasa?

Mmm, I’ll try to explain how I read the scene.

Short answer: No, I do not believe Eren has a crush on Mikasa and the scene, albeit presented in a romantic light from Mikasa’s pov, it was not on Eren’s part. Same as usual, I’d argue.

I will expand on this under the cut, but I just want to reiterate that this is just my interpretation, as one of the anons said, and I am aware everyone is free to have their own, even if they might puzzle me. You are free to disagree, but please don’t send me hate messages.

Upon reading the chapter the first time, I didn’t feel romantic vibes. It was actually quite tragic and disappointing for me to see one of my favorite characters (Mikasa) completely misunderstand my favorite character (Eren), in spite of how close they are supposed to be. I was so depressed and disturbed by the whole chapter, that even if I read it at 5 AM and I could’ve slept another 2 hours before having to actually wake up, I just laid in bed restlessly, absolutely depressed. I even tweeted about it lol.

Anyway, I was pretty busy that week, and only later I found out most people interpreted the scene as Eren being in love with Mikasa. It was a shock for me. It was literally the opposite of what I personally understood.

- Eren’s headspace

Let’s first talk about Eren and where his mind is in this chapter.

I felt discomfort and anxiety throughout the whole chapter. I am a pretty empathetic person, so I realized why I was feeling like that only later, after rationalizing chapter 123: Eren’s memories (which we know are horrible and gruesome and depressing) were being triggered the whole time he was in Marley and it was disturbing to watch.

He looks distressed and uncomfortable. His gaze is often unfocused (or, well, not focused on the present) and he is constantly spacing out - Armin notices but doesn’t seem to care or understand why. Honestly, it is cringe-worthy seeing Eren’s friends’ behavior. They should know what memories Eren has of this place. I do not know if anyone reading right now is familiar with triggers and what they do to a mind affected by PTSD. It’s enough to know that you feel like suffocating because you are fundamentally battling a panic attack and you ideally would want to get away from the source that is triggering you. So, imagine being in a situation you can’t escape from and everything is triggering your worst nightmares. Literally.

Even here, I’m ashamed no one in canon (and almost even in the fandom?) realizes or bothers to be understanding and careful, even when Eren makes a disturbing comment about it. Mikasa admits to it when it's all too late.

The ice-cream scene, just like the one I’m supposed to analyze in this post, is rose-tinted through Mikasa’s glasses, until we are faced with reality and are asked to reflect on Eren’s emotional state, again and again.

Reality is not a happy trip in a foreign country. Reality is a crowd of grown men wanting to hang a child because he’s different. Reality is people wanting to kill them all. Reality is Eren being triggered by ice-cream. Imagine being unable to look at a certain food because it reminds you of people being abused and brutally killed, something that you have actual memories of.

It’s just really frustrating seeing Mikasa looking at Eren, with this dumbfounded look on her face, every time Eren’s eyes seem to scream “help”.

The strain he is put under for the whole time culminates in him crying while looking at the war victims’ homes. Here at this moment, Mikasa enters the scene.

- The “eremika” scene

At this point, Eren’s reminiscing about an awful part of his past, and has a pretty clear idea of what will happen in Marley in a close future. We can be certain of this because he voices both of these topics out loud.

Eren is visibly distressed. Honestly, I’m pretty sure his voice in this scene will be quite telling of his emotional state in the anime. The direction his thoughts go, when expressed out loud, and the expression on his face are self-explanatory. Or should be, at least.

It doesn’t matter that Mikasa hasn’t seen him cry, she saw Eren wipe his face and noticed that there is, again, something wrong, but she doesn’t even ask him if he’s alright. She either doesn’t comprehend the depth of Eren’s pain, yet again, or she isn’t brave enough to ask. I believe it’s the former.

The whole chapter revolves around Mikasa’s inability to see Eren’s true feelings. Chapter 123 opens with this concept. And it is also quite clear that everything is retold from her point of view, so we shouldn’t complacently accept a surface reading of it; we are instead invited to have a deeper look into the events, both by Mikasa’s initial lines as well as the not at all subtle visual storytelling. So yeah, she has a perspective on Eren that is wrong. I think we should keep this in mind.

That’s why the moment she thinks ice-cream can make Eren happy, she is wrong. The moment she thinks Eren’s question has romantic implications, she is wrong. The moment she wonders if a different answer could’ve prevented Eren from choosing this path, she is also wrong...

Let’s go back to the scene.

Eren opens up on his own, even if Mikasa didn’t ask. He’s always been open throughout the time-skip (and even before), but I believe at this moment he has reached the breaking point since landing in Marley. He is at the most vulnerable. Like a dam finally breaking, his walls, that he had tried to keep up until that moment, fall and his feelings/thoughts spill out, after being mostly silent all day.

His short monologue is a direct continuation, or out loud repetition, of what he had been thinking about only moments before and that had caused him to cry. I believe the future he has decided upon also plays a part in it, but he doesn’t voice it, just offhandedly acknowledge its existence with that “Not yet.” comment.

Seeing a family living in poor conditions because of a war they didn’t even have any say in, has triggered Eren’s memories of the past. His and Mikasa’s and Armin’s past. They only had each other, as family, because the adults weren’t there anymore, unjustly killed, like many others. They had experienced first hand what it meant to lose your loved ones, to live a life without enough food, enough rest, enough protection. Without freedom.

Mikasa doesn’t say anything to this. She doesn’t know how to reply, and, thanks to the chapters dedicated to the time-skip, we know this has been going on for years. It’s honestly…disappointing.

And even before the time-skip, we know that she sometimes projected her insecurities and wishes on Eren, misinterpreting him really badly, to the point of making situations romantic when it really weren't.

The scene in chapter 123 is no different, especially because, as I said, it is explicitly a chapter told from Mikasa’s point of view where she also explicitly says she hasn’t been seeing Eren correctly.

There have been a lot of parallels with past chapters in this recent arc, and even 123 wasn’t lacking in this department: if the ice-cream scene parallels the ocean scene, with everyone having fun, while Eren is in emotional pain and discomfort; This other scene parallels chapter 50. At the ocean, Eren’s words gave pause to everyone, but in chapter 123 nobody, quite frankly, gives a damn about Eren to the point that they forget about him. Similarly, in chapter 50 Mikasa had managed to express her feelings for Eren’s existence (gratitude, acceptance and unconditional love - not necessarily romantic), and managed to surprisingly help him because she understood his needs on a basic level. In chapter 123, she doesn’t understand Eren’s pain and so she doesn’t say the right thing (that, btw, wouldn’t have changed Eren’s mind about his future actions, imo).

Just like in chapter 50, Eren is in an emotionally fragile moment, and what he needs, unconsciously, is the reassurance that he is loved, that someone cares about him for who he is, even if he feels undeserving of it.

I believe he is feeling despair on both occasions.

Of course, we can only guess about what made Eren cry in this new chapter, because we don’t have access to his mind this time around, but I’m sure it’s a mixture of things: knowing how ineluctable their future seems, and whatever it entails is upsetting for Eren as well; empathy for someone else’s painful condition because he’s been there before; probably also sadness, because he knows what he himself will cause to happen (as implied by that “not yet”) as well as that his time with his found family and friends is about to end; the bonds he will have to break, something that breaks Eren in return.

So it’s honestly not that surprising that he searches for comfort. I guess he’s been struggling with what he has seen in his future because he would have never thought himself able to kill innocents. His mindset used to be about protecting himself and his loved ones and innocents from being robbed of their freedom, yet he knows he is about to become someone who takes away that freedom, along with lives. For him, life equals freedom, because when you are born you are intrinsically free. So his future actions must have been weighing heavy on his mind and heart.

I find it fitting and incredibly sad that he asks Mikasa what she thinks of him now, after talking about families being robbed of their freedom and how much pain this causes.

Mikasa has always been family to him. So has been Armin, but Mikasa is somehow different. She has lived with him, he has directly invited her to be part of his family, he admitted he childishly rejected her familial care because he was jealous but after this admittance, he embraces it. Opening Grisha’s book together was an important moment exactly because they are family, and that was their home.

They are constantly compared to family. It doesn’t matter, in my opinion, that Mikasa holds also romantic feelings for Eren. She primarily sees him as family, too.

They are what is left of the Yeager household, and the story has highlighted this.

So I believe that in his pain in 123, Eren seeks something, a word of comfort, an assurance that he is not just a killer or a failure, and that he is Eren, someone who has been trying to do the right thing since forever, someone who has done the right thing often, someone who is deserving of the care of the girl he once saved (even if the question clearly implies he doesn’t think he deserves it). In chapter 50, Eren invokes his mother. I am sure he is searching for the same kind of warmth here too. The warmth of his family.

The scene, to me, felt a lot more about Eren’s feelings of self-hatred and Mikasa missing the point.

The entirety of the chapter is meant to show how Mikasa didn’t understand Eren: both by ignoring some signs and misunderstanding others.

He is suffering, but she thinks he is asking her about her romantic feelings.

She blushes, yet Eren has just finished crying and becomes teary-eyed once again.

He is distressed and looks haunted, during both of the rose-colored scenes with Mikasa. 

His questions are almost needy. Yet, she fails to understand what Eren was in need of: comfort, understanding, an “I care about you because it’s YOU”. Something that she implied later in chapter 112, when it was indeed too late.

- The two choices were possibly both wrong

Eren presented two options and I think they were both partially correct but at the same time incomplete, because Mikasa’s care for Eren is comprised of many facets. We don’t know what he thinks of Mikasa's answer because we don’t see his reaction to it. However, he seems at peace, later on, falling asleep next to the closest members of his found family, meaning he is content with and values the way their relationship is. 

Eren surely doesn’t regret saving Mikasa. He also surely considers Mikasa his family, as I stated before. But there are certain kinds of expectations in being family and in being someone’s savior. You will always care about someone who literally saved your life. You will always care about family because they are…well, family. No matter how messed up they may be, they will always have a small place in your heart, whether it’s bad or good. 

“You’re my savior” might imply a dependance or sticking to someone just to repay them. “Family” might have the meaning of “it’s my duty to look after you because it’s simply what family members do”. Both also imply that Mikasa will be hurt even worse by what Eren is about to do.

These weren’t the answers Eren needed, perhaps.

As I said already, I believe that what he searched for, was a different answer. If Mikasa had told him she cared about him as a person, as Eren himself, Eren would have felt reassured - because he would be loved for the neutral quality of simply existing. That’s also what made him feel better, when hearing Carla’s words at the end of Uprising. That he was loved, cared for, and worthy of existing just for being born. No expectations, no burdens. An “I stick with you because I love you (romantically)” could have held the same meaning, potentially, because love is love, but in no way this means Eren wanted a romantic answer or that he feels the same way. Besides, that’s not the reason Mikasa cares about Eren, that’s just a side effect, imo.

And I don’t believe Mikasa, at the question “what am I to you?”, believes she should have responded with “you are the love of my life”. That would’ve been so out of place, because Eren is not the love of her life. He is more. I think family well describes it, but her half-assed, panicked answer wasn’t truthful or as powerful as her words were in chapter 50, so they had no real effect and felt unsatisfying for everyone, honestly.

I always stated that if Eren fell in love with someone else, their love for one another wouldn’t change, because the strongest feeling Mikasa feels for Eren isn’t romantic love, and romantic love is something that has never been in Eren’s mind when it came to Mikasa, as shown countless times (or rather, the lack of romantic undertones on his part re:Mikasa should be proof enough, imo).

Anyway, I could be wrong, but I can’t see it any other way. I think it’s a very complex scene to analyze and there is way more than meets the eye, especially because we aren’t granted access to Eren.

I am a great fan of Mikasa, but this scene and chapter made me reconsider her a lot, unfortunately. I strongly believed she had resolved and understood her complicated feelings for Eren in chapter 50, so she had reached a less biased view, but there has been a regression. The same happened with Armin, his character arc was about him growing confident in himself, and learning to always pay close attention to his own realistic reading of the world, but he has just become unsure of what he has to do and lost his cynical edge.

And finally, I want to quickly address another two points so I don't have to talk about this scene anymore until new information is revealed:

The “perfect timing” comment: I interpreted it as Eren knowing what was about to happen and being depressed but used to his memories being correct. Proof, for me, is Mikasa being confused at Eren’s comment, just like she was at the “not yet” one. Besides, they had already been interrupted by the old man and he didn’t seem to mind, so this “perfect timing” has nothing to do with their friends “ruining” the moment. He willingly invites them to join in and finally, he is content and relaxed, when he is with all of them. He loves them all. 

Mikasa’s comment about “if only I had said something different”: I think she may have realized that it wasn’t a romantic situation - because clearly, her romantic inclinations have clouded her judgment. That she had failed to understand Eren’s feelings and his reason for bringing up Mikasa’s care for him. I don’t sense a “I should’ve told him I loved him”. Because honestly, familial love IS love. Platonic love IS love, too. If Eren wasn’t “saved” by the purest form of love, I don’t see how any other type of love could’ve changed anything. That panel, revisited by the current Mikasa, focuses even more on Eren’s tears. Eren’s deep sadness clashes with Mikasa’s initial frivolous reading of the moment. So stating that she believes she should’ve confessed, means going against what the chapter has stated to be…not right.

Thank you for reading all of this, if anyone has managed to! :)

[scottyunfamous]

Heauxtivation 2021

HAPPY MUH FUCKIN’ NEW YEAR, YOU SENSUAL UNICORN FAIRY!

Before we begin:

On 20th December 2020, Instagram updated its terms of service making it difficult for sex positive creators and those who work in the adult industry, including educators (because apparently humans learning about how their body functions is naughty), to operate on the platform. This includes our posts showing up on your feeds less and less, posts being removed, discreetly making followers unfollow our pages (turn on your post notifications btw), accounts getting suspended, our accounts not coming up in searches, shadow banning our accounts and community hashtags, and tighter restrictions on what images and words we’re allowed to use.

When I first caught wind of this, I wasn’t particularly worried as I’ve never suffered at the hands of Instagram (despite creating posts dedicated to dique sucking techniques .it’s here if you want it lol) and I also didn’t want to jump on any hive mind hype in the community until I saw the effects for myself. Regardless, I resolved that it may be in both of our interests (yours and mine) if I stop using Instagram to blog and use my ACTUAL blog instead -MY GENIUS KNOWS NO BOUNDS! LOL

How this helps you: My content is easier for you to find rather than lost in a sea of curated images and I can give more explicit advice…not that my advice was particularly tame, but you get what I mean *holds up an uncensored picture of a vulva *.

How this helps me: I don’t get my account removed.

So this is where we shall convene more often, in the safety of my heaux haven, where the only rule is PRIORITSING YOUR PLEASURE!. I’ll also be sending monthly newsletter updates highlighting any content you may have missed, merch drops, events, giveaways and things like that.

Now that we’ve gotten the serious stuff out of the way, here’s the actual blog post:

My new years resolution is to be an even bigger, fancier heaux. I’m dead serious. That’s really my resolution and as January is my birthday month (Jan 31st) I’m going full steam ahead with this one.

Every year we set the same mundane resolutions: lose weight, learn something new, give up an addiction that is bad for us and something to do with getting rich. While these resolutions are all well and good, they're the ones that usually run out of steam, the same ones we end up setting for ourselves every fucking year like a broken record of failure, torturing ourselves to actually stick it out this time...patiently waiting for when the ‘New year, new me’ hype wears off.

I’m over it. 

I stopped setting resolutions that didn't excite me in 2019 and I urge you to do the same. Set resolutions that don't feel like suffering -plis, 2020 is done. We have suffered enough! Set resolutions that spark joy. Resolutions that make you look forward to sticking them out and elevate you to be more than you thought you were.

 So like I said, my resolution is to be an even bigger, fancier heaux. My resolution for last year was to learn how to pole dance. Thanks to this pandemonium, that never happened and I am still the modest pillar of purity I always was.

In short, being a heaux means being a sexually liberated, sex positive woman who knows her worth and treats herself the way she deserves to be treated so that when others want to experience her, they know there’s levels to this shit. She lives by her own rules, she’s confident and doesn’t seek external validation because she knows she doesn’t need it, she loves herself fiercely (because loving yourself is nothing to feel guilty of) and empowers those around her to do the same.

Here are some of the elements of my resolution that maybe you may want to include in your life this year too:

Self-care everyday because fancy bitches deserve to be pampered.

Exploring my sexuality even further, starting with getting comfortable with experimenting with anal sex. I will provide updates on this.

Building the perfect womb shed week kit so that I am carefree, leak-free, hormonally balanced and still have great skin.

Giving even less fucks and enjoying my life without worrying what anyone thinks.

Adorning my beautiful body with more silk dresses, pretty lingerie, and serving ass and tiddies *sings * ass, ass and tiddies, because it makes me feel powerful to turn when my presence commands attention, plus, you’re only young once. Indulge.

More sensual movement like erotic yoga, a cheeky bit of Zumba so I can live my Latina namesake’s fantasy SHAKIRA SHAKIRA and just move in general coz lockdown has us on our asses a lot. Also if you see me twerking on your timeline, just click like, sit back and enjoy.

Practicing more mindful sex -expect some tantric sex lessons coming up

More beautiful, luxury sex toys in my life because I love being surround by pretty shit.

Living sensually. This means that I want to be present and enjoy the full extent of every experience, even if it’s just a cup of really good coffee.

Read/watch more romances. I’m very over the angry feminist approach. It’s draining finding things to be mad at and men to hate all the time. It’s counterproductive and can put blocks in our healing process. Hella counterproductive. Love is such a big fucking mood so let’s celebrate that and invite more of it into our lives.

Doesn’t all of this sound uplifting and enjoyable? This is your heauxtivation, betch. Take some of mine or set your own fun slutty resolutions.

I’m very much looking forward to helping you guys grow into the best heaux’s that you can be and growing with you. Wishing you all an orgasm-filled, hella sexually confident, extra AF 2021.

[robotpals]

hey! idk if you're still taking questions about mhc, but i'm committed to mt holyoke for this fall and still not 100% sure. i kind of have a lot, so answer as many or as few as you'd like lol they're in order of priority

completely honestly, how much do people still call it a "women's college"? it was a really big factor for me that mhc was gender diverse, and since visiting has been kind of funky this year, it's been hard to tell how committed the school actually is to trans allyship (full disclosure, i'm a cis girl) and how much the students try to respect that

related to how welcome men and nonbinary folks feel-- when i show up on campus, are like 99% of the students going to be women (trans or cis), or am i being overly pessimistic about the remaining emphasis on women?

sustainability is a big focus for me, and was a factor that actually had me leaning away from mhc (most of the other schools i applied to were shooting for carbon neutrality years before 2037, and had more options for composting and such). the actual question part is: how hard would it be to try to be low/zero waste on campus (esp. plastics)? would the dining halls be able to accommodate that (outside of COVID years)? are there any significant obstacles i might run across?

i'd also like to get more politically involved in college, are there a lot of opportunities for that? (like, protests, or mutual aid, or politically oriented clubs)

how hard is it to get the classes you want? how many classes did you personally take at the other consortium colleges? (or if you're not comfortable with that, what might the average be?)

thank you so much! i'm sorry if this is too much or my tone is weird, and feel free to redirect me for any of this

Hello! Congratulations to you as well -- whether it’s where you end up or not, you should know that I’m proud of you for applying and being accepted! I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be for some of your questions, but I can certainly try to answer them. I’m putting a read-more because I have a feeling my answers may be long!

As to your first question, MHC still is a women’s college -- though a gender diverse one (I know that isn’t a helpful answer, but I think it describes the culture best!). Maybe the best way to think of it is that Mt Holyoke’s history is deeply steeped in what being a women’s college means: a lot of the traditions and details of the school can be traced back to its days as a women’s seminary. The fact that it was a place for women to get an education in a time when typically women couldn’t is something to be proud of, and definitely something that students celebrate -- though of course the category of “woman” who could be educated in the college’s early days was very limited to white affluent women. Something that I appreciated about MHC was it felt like nearly all of my fellow students were as social justice oriented as I am -- so there were always discussions about recognizing the college’s failings and history of discrimination, as well as celebrating those students who pushed for diversity and opened the doors to students who wouldn’t have been admitted in the college’s early days. That doesn’t mean that mhc is perfect, and as a white woman I’m not the best person to talk about those issues, but in general I thought the student body was willing to have hard discussions and advocate for critically examining mhc’s past.

I think my years there were interesting because my first year was the year the college announced it would accept trans women (the first of the “seven sisters” / historic east coast women’s colleges to do so!), though prior to my arrival trans men (those who applied still closeted/questioning and then came out while a student) were enrolled. I should disclose that I, too, am a cis woman! So any thoughts I have on what it’s like for trans students is based entirely on conversations with trans friends and not personal experience. Basically, though MHC is a women’s college, I think the large population of lgbt students means that gender/respect for trans students is more at the forefront than it would be at some other schools. I’m currently a student at a Big 10 state university for a masters program, and I definitely think that MHC was way more accepting of gender diversity than here -- asking about pronouns and respecting people’s gender identities were totally commonplace at MHC seven years ago, but undergrads I know at this university have said that there are lots of students who treat discussions about respecting pronouns as a joke :/ -- I hope that MHC has only continued to improve its treatment of gender diverse students since I was there.

That being said, there are definitely transphobic students -- and unfortunately, old and bigoted staff members. I remember when I was a student, the college released a memo for staff/faculty that said that emails to the student body shouldn’t use gendered language (like saying “Hey girls” or whatever LOL) and while every student I talked was in support of that, there were definitely rumors of some older professors throwing fits about that. I don’t remember any terfs on campus -- thank god -- but there was a “young republicans” student group that was super obnoxious (they only had three members LOL but they complained CONSTANTLY about how other students telling them to shut up was infringing on their first amendment rights). 

I have no idea what the numbers are, but when I was a student, it definitely seemed like the vast majority of students were women/women-aligned (cis, trans, or nb) or nonbinary, so if you really want a campus with more men, MHC may not be a great choice.

As far as sustainability: I really don’t know. I know that a big discussion when I was a student was divestment from fossil fuels, and MHC refused to make any promises to divest. When I was a student, there were a couple student advocacy groups dedicated to challenging the college to be more sustainable, so if you want to learn more, I would try to find info about those organizations and ask them. Sorry I don’t know more! For some reason I thought MHC composted, but I don’t know for sure -- I know that when you finish eating, you just put your plate on a conveyor belt and there are dining hall staff who sort through what’s what. Again, you could reach out to dining and ask! And if you end up at MHC and they aren’t composting, I think that would be something they might be open to implementing -- advocacy is key.

For political involvement, I think there are lots of opportunities! MHC is in a fairly rural location, but students on campus when I was there organized marches, walk-outs, and protests for the student body. There are advocacy groups for different interests, as well as cultural groups that organized events around specific issues. It’s definitely a campus where you can get involved with issues that are important to you. Again, I don’t know what the culture is like at other colleges, but in comparison to my graduate program, activism at MHC was far more robust.

For classes, I never had trouble taking the classes I wanted! But to be fair, my majors were uncommon enough that that isn’t too surprising (religion and ancient studies LOL). Among my friends, no one seemed to have trouble getting the classes they wanted -- the only class that I remember people having trouble getting into was a class on the history of witchcraft in the gender studies department! Which is SO mt holyoke LOL. 

I only took one class outside mhc -- which in retrospect I regret not taking more -- it was a class on Icelandic saga literature at umass amherst. It was a really fun class, and I enjoyed getting the glimpse into what life would have been like if I had gone to a big state school for undergrad! Overall, I thought the process for taking a class off campus was super easy and the only downside was the bus ride was like half an hour.

I hope my answers make sense! I feel like I should disclose that I’m finishing up my grad school program this week (!) so I’ve been particularly nostalgic for undergrad recently -- I’m stressed about exams, so my rose tinted glasses are ON 🙃 but I hope this has been helpful! I think that so many people make it seem like college is the most perfect wonderful time ever, but in actuality it’s pretty weird -- people living away from home for the first time, trying to figure themselves out, exploring their interests and passions, etc. ... so I would encourage you not to think of college as a perfect place, but a place where you will have room to grow! I definitely had times where I HATED being a student at mhc, but I certainly would have had those times anywhere I went -- and in the end, I’m glad I chose mt holyoke and I think it was a place I was able to grow and flourish into who I am today!

[togglepawz-moved]

LISA: the grim

owo whats this......a lisa fangame? well, actually, a potential lisa fangame, but yknow.

lisa: the grim is a hypothetical lisa fangame abt 2 men, bentley n donald, who meet through a twist of fate. they accidentally wander on2 enemy gang territory n get attacked after hearing the cries of a distressed child n wanting 2 investigate. after slaughtering countless gang members, they finally find the source of the screams. a badly beaten n anxious little girl tied 2 a tree.

ben n don decide that they must find a safer place 2 raise the girl, named greer, no matter how hard it will b 2 do so. along the way they keep being confronted by the brothers, the enemy gang they stumbled across b4 finding greer, n the leader of the gang, simply known as “the true brother,” wants the girl all 2 himself.

characters:

bentley wickerbach

bentley wickerbach, also known simply as ben, is considered by most 2 b a starving artist, often doing graffiti on the walls of caves n such rather than taking care of himself. hes heavily inspired by the works of banksy, n has been since a young age. his mother died due 2 complications after childbirth, n his father died after a botched surgery 2 get rid of a tumor in the right side of his neck, leaving him 2 live with his aunt (she wasnt abusive or anything, she rlly did try. she was just extremely poor). art is a coping mechanism 4 the childhood trauma he had 2 go thru, n so he dedicates his life 2 it. hes brutally honest, serious, n tends 2 b sarcastic sometimes. also hes trans n gay bc yeah lol.

donald frances

donald frances, or don, legitimately cant b described in a serious way. i cant capture the essence of his being w/o saying “hes chaotic neutral n cursed as fucking hell” bc thats exactly what he is. hes just gay n likes pranking ppl. probably eats cereal w/ a fork. like, he just fucking stabs it in there. hes an absolute utter dumbass n thats why ben both loves n hates him. a complete fucking disaster gay. like if u look up disaster gay in the dictionary he’ll b there. n no, i never said as a picture.

greer (wow no surname)

greer is a mysterious case, being 1 of the only females left in olathe after the flash. shes young, n with that comes a natural curiosity 4 her age. the only thing holding her back is her debilitating anxiety. she struggles w/ trauma she cant remember thanks 2 the fact that the blows that were inflicted 2 her head during her time w/ the brothers caused very bad amnesia. she couldnt remember anything by the time ben n don found her, except 4 her own name. she uses a makeshift scythe made out of wood n an old, decaying tooth from a mutants carcass. she cant remember where her locket is from (yet again, thanks 2 her amnesia), but its very special 2 her. she babbie

the true brother

the true brother, being the main antagonist, is always there 2 try n slow ben n don down. hes cold, vindictive, n tough, making him a difficult opponent in battle. a very proud leader of his gang. hes always attempting 2 recruit ppl he thinks might have potential. yes, the skull is real. yes, those r teeth/claws on his shoulder pads. he may have some connection 2 ben...

the mysterious stranger

an ominous figure who has been following ben around. they dont ever try 2 actively hurt him, they just...stalk him. the skull they wear indicates that theyre affiliated w/ the brothers, but other than that they dont appear 2 b a threat.

other things:

the ability to graffiti things on2 walls n stuff. it wouldnt rlly add 2 the plot but yknow. it would b fun.

homoeroticism. lots of it.

exploration of mental illness and trauma. especially thru ben n greer.

u get 2 kill child predators. or, the brothers.

baby holds a scythe. babys 1st murder victim.

all original sprites n backgrounds. ok mayb not the backgrounds part but i wanna test out my sprite-making skills ok.

original music. not all of it but there will b original music.

idk u get 2 hug greer. hug babey

im. uh

its planned that it will b available 4 free on gamejolt or something if i ever make it but idk. if i ever make this itll b my 1st full length fangame so it will definitely not b perfect. is anything ever perfect, tho?

what do i put @ the end im sorry guys no 1 ever taught me how 2 talk

[fortunatelylori]

People are not what they seem – Thoughts on episode 7

This episode was a bit of a mixed bag for me. There were moments I loved but overall it left me more than a little frustrated.

Sparks joy

Arthur Parker

Arthur has always sparked joy for me. His pineapple takedown was one of the most iconic moments of this show and he does not disappoint in episode 7. A lot of people were surprised to see him make the salient points to both Sidney and Georgiana. But I would argue that’s because they haven’t paid attention to Mr. Heywood’s warning back in episode 1.

People are not what they seem in Sanditon and you shouldn’t let what other characters think about one person or another influence your opinion of them. Arthur might be a hypochondriac but, by and large, he has been considerably less trouble to anyone than the likes of Georgiana or Tom. He has also always been, in his own way, incredibly wise and brave. He asked Georgiana to dance when everyone was staring at her in a state of shock and he taught Lady Denham a lesson when even Sidney remained silent.

So it’s no small wonder that the task of reminding Sidney that Eliza Champion might not be the most trustworthy person in the world falls onto him.

It could hardly fall onto Tom … Listen I’ve tried my best to be as understanding with Tom Parker as I could be, making excuses for him left and right. But no more! In this episode alone, he tries to pass off his passive aggressive bullshit onto Mary when she rightly makes him see that hanging around Lady Denham’s drawing room like a carrion crow makes him no better than the likes of Edward Denham. He fallows that up by trying to push his younger brother into a quickie wedding to a woman that abandoned him in favor of a richer husband and sent him on a self-destructive path that almost killed him. What a bozo!!!

At the very least, as his older brother, it was up to Tom to advise Sidney to be a little careful in restarting his relationship with Eliza. But no, that task falls unto Arthur because Tom can’t be trusted with anything more challenging than miniature house building.

Esther and Lord Babington

Speaking of people not being what they seem, these two are by far the biggest surprises Sanditon has to offer. Esther started off as a combination of Mary Crawford and Caroline Bingley and she’s turned into freaking Ingrid Bergman in Gaslight over here!

Don’t ever let anyone tell you Sanditon is just a shallow bodice ripper because the way it went about effortlessly depicting a woman struggling through an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist is masterful! And her setting herself free of Edward in this episode was glorious!

As was Lord Babington proving to be a better Darcy than Darcy himself. His deep empathy for her, his complete rejection of Edward’s bitter gossip mongering and his unconditional support was truly moving. Bless him and his orange handkerchief!

PS: Give this man a first name, Davies! He’s earned it!

The Heraclitus of it all

Again, I firmly believe that the people who are dismissing this show as just a spot of shallow entertainment, aren’t really paying attention because the whole scene of Charlotte’s assumed humiliation is so carefully and masterfully built it’s delightful to watch

Charlotte takes Sidney’s “I’m certain Charlotte would prefer to be reading Heraclitus” line as an insult that depicts her a country bumpkin who is not fit for the fashionable London crowd.

But should she? We already know that Sidney reads Heraclituss himself. They were just bonding over that on their little boat ride. And look where his line comes into play:

Eliza: There must be a boy in your village that’s caught your eye.

Lady Susan: Why should Charlotte be limited to her village?

Eliza: I always think it helps to share a common background, that’s all. Miss Heywood is hardly likely to find a kindred spirit in this company.

Lady Susan: Why not?

Eliza: I just imagine she must find our London talk unspeakably tedious. Wouldn’t you agree, Sidney?

Sidney: I have no doubt Charlotte would rather be sat somewhere, quietly reading Heraclitus.

What Sidney is actually saying is that there is someone there who is a kindred spirit to Charlotte: HIM! He isn’t insulting her or laughing at her. He’s making a call back to their London ball scene where they both felt out of place but found solace in each other. What he’s telling her is that he doesn’t belong amongst Eliza’s crowd either.

This kind of subtle, clever writing is actually a lot rarer than you might think and, for me, drives to the core of why Andrew Davies is such a fantastic writer. He not only understands how to present a period drama to a modern audience in a way that is fresh and interesting but also how to create these moments of brilliant writing complexity almost effortlessly.

Georgiana Lambe

Georgiana, the character, isn’t really sparking joy for me as she’s behaving like an utter brat but the writing for her character is. She’s been terribly hurt for the first time in her life so she’s lashing out anyway she can. Also this line is brilliant:

Sidney: I am all too aware that I have fallen short as your guardian. But please believe that I am sincere in my desire to make amends.

Georgiana: Men like you cannot change.

Why is that brilliant? Well because Georgiana is engaging in one of the oldest and most popular forms of toxic anger: transference. What she’s really saying is that Otis will never change enough for them to be together. But Otis isn’t there, Sidney is so he gets to be the punching bag du jour.

The reason why depicting her grief in this way is so compelling is because it’s so natural to her story. She was already feeling like an outcast in England, not loved or wanted by anyone. Otis let her concentrate all of her self-worth entirely on him (one of the worst things he did and not the only one but that’s a subject for another meta) and then failed to live up to his inherent promises. Georgiana feels that no one cares for her and so she pushes the people who are trying to help her away so she can have her very own self-fulfilling prophecy.

And while her interaction with Sidney might be somewhat understandable considering his cold attitude towards her in the beginning and also the fact that whether or not Georgiana likes it, he’s the closest she has to an actual parental figure, her attitude towards Arthur absolutely is not.

Her insults, thankfully, fall on deaf ears because Arthur knows he is a precious lily of the field and we are all very happy he’s here!

Does not spark joy

Sidney and Eliza

From what I see in the tags, no one is really all that fond of Eliza … I wonder why … lol …

But protectiveness over my ship isn’t really why this storyline didn’t spark joy for me. It’s actually because it failed to live up to its potential. The writers chose to make Sidney and Eliza’s reunion all about how that affects Charlotte and dedicated very little time to the Sidney/Eliza dynamic.

And it started so well too. I had high hopes when Sidney said this:

Sidney: A man cannot step into the same river twice.

What Sidney is talking about in very poetic terms if what in my country we call “reheated soup”. That’s what Eliza is … a chance to reheat the soup. Except that the saying goes: reheated soup never tastes the same which is absolutely true when it comes to relationships. Tempting as it might be to rekindle something, it very rarely works out because the reasons why you broke up in the first place will eventually rear their ugly heads again. Which they do in their case as well, when Eliza needlessly attacks Charlotte, proving herself petty and superficial.

But because we never stay with Sidney enough to figure out what his attraction to her might have been once upon a time, because we don’t get to see how reuniting with her is stirring not only his feelings of long lost longing but also of the trauma she caused and because we don’t even get to watch their last conversation together, it all fails to make the impact that it could have made. Which is a shame …

IMDB has Ruth Kearney listed for episode 8 as well and a part of me hopes Eliza will be back next week and we can have a bit of a do over.

Lady Susan

I know everyone likes her and the actress is delightful. However as much as I might enjoy her in isolation, within the context of the story she remains a poorly introduced character who is only on screen to push Charlotte and Sidney together (we never find out why she’s so invested in this) and to act as a deus ex machine for the regatta.

The “half agony, half hope” that is …

Charlotte

I really hate to do this because I love her but most of my frustration this episode came down to Charlotte.

Her behavior was confusing, dissatisfying and at times quite thoughtlessly cruel. Most of that was directed at poor James Stringer.

As you know, I am a Charlotte/Sidney shipper so I don’t have a problem with Charlotte not returning James’ affection. In fact I’ve made the point in the past that the whole Tem Stringer vs. Team Sidney promotion was silly because it was clear there was no rivalry there.

However, Charlotte behaves very poorly to him in this episode. It’s the second time now (the first was in episode 4) where she’s used James as a stand-in for Sidney. Every time she’s talking to this boy, her mind is miles away and she ends up missing all the signs that she’s stringing him along (no pun intended but the clue is in the name, I suppose).

What Charlotte really wants is for Sidney to give her the same undivided adoring validation Stringer gives her and because he isn’t, she ends up engaging with James in a way that is less than ideal. That’s not so say she necessarily realizes she’s doing this but her thoughtlessness is starting to be frustrating.

Which brings me to … her behavior towards Sidney. The way unrequited love seems to work for Charlotte is that it makes her less than generous and she looks for any opportunity to cut Sidney loose, so to speak.

She doesn’t attempt to put up a fight for him at any level, despite this being the girl that fights for everything that matters to her. And it all comes crushing down during the conversation with Eliza, when she takes the smallest opportunity to completely shut him out.

It’s also kind of hypocritical of her to still be angry at this comment at the end of the episode, when she did far worse. I mean if you want to talk about someone being someone else’s “source of amusement” look no further than:

Charlotte (imitating Sidney): You see, Georgiana, this is exactly why I locked you away in Mrs. Griffths’ dungeon. To keep you out of mischief, while I, Sidney Parker, gallivant around London with my high society, dandy friends.

So while deciding that Sidney was an ass to her is tempting, I’d like to point out that, as I’ve shown earlier, there is nothing mean spirited or negative in his comment at all. So is it fair to say that Sidney hurt her when the most obvious explanation is that Charlotte is insecure? She has been since the moment she met Sidney and Eliza instinctively preyed on that insecurity. And Charlotte not only let’s Eliza hurt her but she also transfers her insecurity firmly onto Sidney’s shoulders, instead of owning it or resolving it.

The reason why this is in the half agony, half hope category is because I’m not sure if the above is the writers’ intention or if I’m trying to make this more interesting than it actually is. If their intention is to paint Charlotte as completely right about everything, while Sidney is the fool who needs to repent and Stringer is the guy who got ahead of himself, I’m going to be pretty disappointed.

For the moment, we’ll have to wait and see, I guess.

[devnicolee]

Snowfall (8)

A/N: So I was convinced I wasn’t going to get this chapter done anytime soon and I had a stroke of inspiration in an airport heading home from a work trip and wrote like all of it on my two flights haha. I don’t know how or why these chapters keep getting longer LOL someone needs to stop me. This starts off about 2 weeks after Chapter 7 ends, so about 3 weeks after the kidnapping and there is a small time jump within the chapter. Enjoy!

Masterlist

Word Count: 12,583

"I do not know why my mother insists on throwing baba a huge party each year. He hates it, complains of its extravagance every time. But mama doesn’t listen. I wish I had taken a page out of N’Danna’s book and left early. I wonder what his ‘emergency’ was. Did he tell you?" Zarah asked as she placed her shoes by the door and let her hair out of its delicate bun. Her eyes bore into the broad back of her husband, as if the intensity of her gaze would compel him to answer her. But he continued to ignore her question, engrossed in a file he had brought from his office before the party. His nose was buried in it before they left and he wasted no time picking it back up when they returned. She supposed she should have been used to it. She received the cold shoulder from her stoic husband throughout their first public outing since the kidnapping. He could barely be bothered to talk her or engage with other guests, forcing Zarah to endure all the pleasantries alone. When he wasn’t engaging in hushed conversations on the phone on the Lodge balcony, he was constantly reading messages from his beads.

"Eh no, he… he did not," he answered slowly, failing to rip his eyes from the papers in front of him. 

"He didn’t tell Adisa either. Probably just tired… like baba. He managed to escape early as well. Lucky them," she mumbled. "And I don’t know why mama insisted we host the party here. I mean she knows we are preparing for the council meeting next week, the staff is swamped. But no one says no to her," she continued her rantings while watching him, examining how his eyes stared into the page with an intensity she hadn't seen in a while, his face pulled into a serious scowl. 

"M’Baku… you've been engrossed in work all night. Are you going to share with me what has you so distracted?" She asked, her frustration coloring her words. 

"I am sorry Zarah. I am just reading through these notes from the Dwellers’ interrogations." It was an omission that had the truth loosely wrapped up in it, enough of the truth to satiate her appetite for information. He poured over those transcripts and notes from their interrogations every other day it seemed, determined to find a clue they missed before. 

She sat down next to him. "Would you let me read them? Or tell me what they say?" Her question dripping with equal parts trepidation and eagerness. Zarah only let her mind drift back to her short "time away" every so often. Avoidance was the only coping mechanism that seemed to work, that helped her hold together the loosening threads of her sanity and push forward. When she did call back to the moments she could remember, she fell down a dark hole in an effort to understand the motives of a lunatic. She would fixate on the "why" of it all, certain that she knew the reason but the memory was free floating in the clutter of her mind and couldn’t tether itself to anything. She knew he wanted to overthrow the tribe but there were other ways to do that than torturing her. She thought if she could understand, it would help her reach solid ground again.

But each spiral gave her no answers and smeared salt into her fresh psychological wounds, wounds that were still open and weeping through the gauze she put on them. Everyone told her to take time to heal emotionally and physically before returning to work. But she didn’t, determined to prove that she was the same chieftess today as she was before Davu sent his foot soldiers to set her life ablaze. She did not need time. Time would only force her to confront or wallow in her real trauma. She knew if she fell apart, it would take time to put herself back together. And she already learned the hard way that her husband had little patience for that. The only things she had space for were actions that propelled her forward so she took on her regular duties and then some to prove she was herself again to her staff, the tribe, and her husband. 

"Just the rantings of madmen Zarah, nothing to concern yourself with while you are still healing," he answered, still failing to look her in the eyes. Her hand wrapped around his wrist, trying to get his attention as she spoke.  

"M’Baku… I am fine! I feel great actually. The bruises are fading, my ribs are healing well. My concussion is pretty much healed. I know you think we need to hold off on their trials until I am stronger. But I am telling you I can handle it." 

M’Baku was not fooled by his wife’s constant working and painted smile, that was never as wide or bright as she thought it was. Her wounds were deep and three weeks were a mere fraction of the time she actually needed to be "just fine." Her inability to properly confront her trauma did provide him a bit of cover, a blanket to hide the quiet dishonesty in his actions. The public-facing rationale behind his delay of trials settled well among the council and made him look like the doting husband, completely dedicated to the wellbeing of his wife. But the reality was less charming. It was difficult to make a case against all these men without the one who orchestrated it all. He was needed to tie it all together. 

"Jahari told me you had a panic attack yesterday. It is not time to reopen barely closed wounds. They can sit in prison until you are stronger." He patted her on the knee before closing the file and sitting it on the couch’s side table. 

Zarah frowned. Jahari may serve her but, like many of the guards, they would undermine her authority every time to remain in M’Baku’s favor. She couldn’t wait until Kasim and Mosi were back on duty, two men she knew didn’t alert her husband to her every move. 

It was a minor setback, a small panic attack after one of her engineers accidentally startled her when she thought she was alone working late in the lab. It took him and Jahari over 20 minutes to calm her down. She asked both men for their silence but that was a foolish request. There was no such thing as silence in Jabariland, usually quiet lives in the mountains meant gossip was the primary form of currency to trade. The panic attacks were one of the few displays of her trauma that poked through the thick curtains she used to cover the others. They were unpredictable, jarring and paralyzing. 

Before she could counter his point, his attention was once again captivated by an unknown messenger on his beads. "I have to go, There is an issue that needs my attention. I will be back later." 

Zarah looked at the clock, her frown deepening as she realized it was almost midnight. "What issue?" she asked, a sigh filled with her exasperation and disappointment escaping her. Tonight was supposed to be their night to reignite the intimacy in their relationship, an opportunity to call back to a moment reminiscent of the days before the devastation. Just the two of them enjoying a night out as they used to, completely caught in the rapture of each other. She even took the time to put on lingerie, desperate to satiate the primal need that had been growing for the last three weeks. He was depriving her of him and self-love only got her to the cusp of true fulfillment. Physical intimacy was the cornerstone of their relationship, how she knew M’Baku showed and poured his love into her, and she was undeniably empty. 

That was her dream, her fantasy for the evening. But M’Baku jabbed a spear into the balloon that blew up inside her at the prospect of spending much-needed quality time with him, just as disinterested in her today as he was yesterday. 

"Nothing to worry about. I will be late so don’t wait up." He kissed her on the cheek before leaving. 

Zarah sat on the couch for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. She felt like she was wandering aimlessly, blindfolded, trying to make her way back to her husband. She always felt she had a magnetic pull to him, this other-worldly being that illuminated the path to maintaining his love and favor. But that connection was severed, the path darkened and now she was making misstep after misstep, as he traveled farther and farther away from her. 

Zarah did wait up. She tossed and turned restlessly, trying to rest alone. She did that more often than she would have liked. Her eyes kept falling on the drawer of her bedside table that held her sleeping pills. Most nights she didn’t sleep, she just lied awake staring out their window. Or when she was alone and tired of laying there, she would go down and work in the labs. Only when her body demanded rest, could no longer maintain itself without it, did she even attempt to catch the elusive beast. On those nights, she would lie to herself and say she no longer needed them. And then she would remember the nightmares from her first week home: vivid, terrifying and the reason a certain someone was conveniently too busy to come to bed with her anymore. And she would take one anyway. Those pills were the only guard of any use to her, protecting her and keeping her trauma at bay so she could achieve meaningful rest. They were slowly becoming an addiction, sleep felt impossible without them. But she was not going to turn away the one thing that worked, the thing that brought her meaningful rest. She knew it would be easier with him there. She didn’t want some drugs to help her rest… she wanted him. She missed him.

He said he was working. You shouldn’t bother him, that is the whole point of his distance. He doesn’t want to be bothered by you, her inner self chastised her. But she couldn’t deny that her heart and body ached for him, feeling the loss of his presence like the loss of a limb. Even something as simple and necessary as sleep was easier before all this. She longed for the simplicity of draping her body over his tone chest, his thick arms tightening around her to keep her flush to his body, rubbing aimless patterns into his bicep as they talked about everything under the sun. Those quiet moments acted as the thread that weaved together the fibers of their relationship. The moments that were now void in their relationship, making her feel as though it was all unraveling before her eyes. 

She balled her hands into fists and punched down into the bed, expelling some of her frustrations. She swung her legs out of bed and pulled on her robe. It is past 3 am. M’Baku should be home by now.

She opened the door to find Jahari and another young guard waiting outside. "My lady."

"I was just going to walk to Lord M’Baku’s office," she informed as she headed down the hallway, knowing they would fall in step behind her. She knew she shouldn’t interrupt his work but what could be so important this late? He was busy, but not that busy.

Her steps faltered slightly at the closed door and lack of a guard standing watch. She knew Kide had the evening off but M’Baku wouldn’t, shouldn’t, be without a guard. He never let me sit in our bedroom without a guard, let alone my office, she complained to herself.

After a round or two of knocks with no response, she pushed the door open herself after deciding that being chieftess gave her the license to enter unannounced. She stepped into the dark, empty and undeniably frigid office to find no one. She walked over to the hearth and held a hand over the charred logs. When no residual heat reached her hand, which would have signaled that the fire hadn’t been out long, she ran her hand over the leftover, charred logs. They were cold. There isn’t a soul in Jabariland who could stand to sit in an office all night without a fire in the dead of winter. 

Why would he lie?

She turned around and looked expectantly at her shadows, "Do either of you know where Lord M’Baku is?"

Jahari shook his head, "No my lady. He simply said he was working. Perhaps he is downstairs in General N’Danna’s office." Sympathy washed over Jahari’s usually emotionless face as he noted the anxiety and agitation flaring up in the young chieftess. The way she shifted her weight uncomfortably and pulled her bottom lip into her teeth to chew on it as she did often. He could practically hear the wheels turning in her head, her scientific calculations and best recommendations for her next move. He was surprised at how much he learned about Zarah in the last month, this being the most time he spent watching her. He could tell that she was still struggling. But unlike everyone who only got small glimpses of her or only captivated her attention for a short moment, he spent every hour of daylight watching her. He saw and heard the careful intention in every action she took and word she said, noted the great lengths she went to suppress the emotions that simmered beneath the surface, and admired the strength it took to hold herself together everyday while on the brink of collapse. Part of him wished he could give her the answers she sought, to ease her mind in some small way. But even he didn’t understand what was happening with Lord M’Baku and it wasn’t his job to. Regardless of his admiration for her, their marital problems - unless they became a danger to Lady Zarah’s safety - were not his concern. His job was simply to protect and observe, there was little he could offer her beyond that. 

"I could call his guard if it pleases you my lady?"

She immediately shook her head, she had an idea of, not where he was, but what he was doing. A conversation from her father’s birthday party early in the evening floating to the forefront of her overactive mind:

"The bruising seems like it has cleared up. I am sure Lord M'Baku is happy about that. You need to do something about the bags under your eyes though, no amount of makeup can cover them. And this weight loss... You don't want him looking elsewhere because you have lost interest in your appearance," her mother scolded her quietly. 

"I-I-I don't think I have to worry about that with M'Baku. He isn't that type of man," Zarah responded, avoiding contact with her mother’s disapproving eyes. She quickly scanned the party for her husband or brother, her usual saviors when her parents were on her case. However, N’Danna was nowhere to be found. She hadn’t seen him since the first course of dinner. And M’Baku was on the balcony on a call… again. She hated talking with her parents, it was sad but true. Their conversations were just fishing expeditions to offer unsolicited advice about her role as chieftess and her marriage. It was nothing more than harassment masked with fake concern. 

"And I haven’t lost interest in my appearance," she tried to add through gritted teeth and a fake smile, trying to make sure no one noticed the tense conversation occupying the head table of the party. "I was almost murdered a few wee-" 

"But you weren’t and you should be grateful to Hanuman that he willed it to be so. The Jabari must see that you are capable of withstanding any and every threat thrown at you. Do you think I cried and had panic attacks every time someone almost murdered me in battle? No! I cleaned myself up and continued on. As should you if you want to remain chieftess," her father interrupted. 

Zarah jerked her head at the mention of her panic attacks. She would ask how they knew about them but it was how they knew about everything… the Lodge gossip mill. She hadn’t felt this drained during a conversation with her parents in a long time. Every conversation with them felt like a battle. However, she usually had a partner, her husband, who came to her defense, absorbed shots for her and motivated her to fight back. Without him on her side of the battlefield, it was a losing side. Her parents drained the energy out of her until she had little to meet them shot for shot with. Without him, it was easier to simply accept defeat and the emotional bruising that came along with it. 

"Yes, baba." Her voice was despondent and cold, sounding more like a robot than a chieftess. 

"Panic attacks… I mean really Zarah? That is no way to behave. You cannot lose control in front of the staff you command. And we have heard that he has been working longer hours? It is clear the two of you are having problems. I mean has he even said two words to you this evening? You can't risk losing your position, particularly when you have yet to cement your legacy." 

Her nose wrinkled, "What do you mean ‘haven’t cemented my legacy?�� I am chieftess. I am the reason M’Baku decided to rejoin Wakanda. I have led several breakthroughs with Jabari wood to improve our infrastructure and lives our people," she continued ignoring the looks of disdain on her parents’ faces. "That is my legacy, our legacy."

Her mother immediately shook her head and waved her hand dismissively as if Zarah’s life’s work was inconsequential, completely irrelevant to the larger picture in her world. "But you have given him no heir. Any priest would allow him to cast you aside to find a wife who knows how to fulfill the duties that matter." 

‘The duties that matter.’ 

She shifted uncomfortably, a smile still plastered on her face as she listened to them trivialize her accomplishments, cast doubt on the strength of her marriage and place blame squarely on her shoulders for it all. She thought she had gotten past all this. She exceeded their expectations and became chieftess and still wasn’t succeeding at it as they wished. She couldn’t make anyone happy these days it seemed. Her head fell slightly so her parents couldn’t see the cloudy overcast building in her eyes. 

"Maybe you should speak with Healer Femi. You must give him an heir and soon. It will help you move forward and put this mess behind you once and for all." 

"Yes, mama."

She hadn’t confirmed her parents’ suspicions about the problems within her marriage but she didn’t deny them either. M’Baku had worked late most nights lately. While she didn’t want to give her parents’ ideas more credence than they deserved, just like all her life, their criticisms took root and couldn’t be pruned away. 

A month ago, she would have never given weight to the notion that M’Baku was that type of man. But now? They were different people, shaped and molded by horror and trauma and she couldn’t account for anything anymore.

"No, that is alright. I will just go back to bed."

Her face remained blank as she glided through the Lodge and back to her room. It was quiet, just the quiet taps of her shoes and the loud stomps of her guards’ boots filling the air. She felt Jahari’s eyes follow her as she took off her slippers and robe, climbed into bed and buried her small body under the covers. She curled into a ball, staring numbly at the snow falling gently out her window. She figured there would be tears, surmised that there should have been. But instead she just felt paralyzed, numb. A punch to the gut that knocked the breath and life out of her. She just didn’t understand.

How could he do this? Haven’t I given him everything?

Everything? More like headaches and grief. And no heir to show for the time he wasted on you. Now he has found someone who can. Can you even be mad at him? her subconscious threw back at her.

Yes!… No, she weakly argued with herself. She thought they were doing the right thing, waiting two years to have a baby. But she always wondered if he only agreed because he saw her weakness, how the council’s pressure got to her as she acclimated to her new role as chieftess. Now she missed her chance, another would have the opportunity before her. 

She supposed that she couldn’t really blame him, she drove him into the arms of another. And she figured he would be happy. It wouldn’t be hard to find a woman better than her. Zarah started to accept this harsh inevitability that he would cast her and their marriage aside, as much as anyone could accept a fatal wound to their heart. She tried to think of other options, other reasons for his distance and coldness but she came up short. This is the only thing that makes sense. She also accepted that her life would be one marked for pain and loneliness once he finally decided to do it. Who could ever follow the great M’Baku? Only lesser men, she surmised. That’s what Hanuman brought me back from the brink of the ancestral mountains for? To see the life she was meant to have be ripped away and presented to another, while she was forced to watch and contemplate how she failed? That wasn’t a life. That was a different type of captivity, a captivity of which only Hanuman knew the end date.

***

"Lord M’Baku, we can’t continue to do this every night. You spend all day and all night looking for the man, maybe you need to step away from this for a bit. Get some real rest and attack it with fresh eyes. Or it is time to consider ending this charade and telling Lady Zarah? She may be able to help." T’Challa suggested. He was growing tired of these late night meetings. Not because he needed the sleep, one of the many benefits of the heart-shaped herb was that he didn’t require much sleep at all. But because he thought this manhunt was descending rapidly into an unhealthy obsession for M’Baku. 

M’Baku shook his head violently. "No! Absolutely not. We have to find him. The longer he stays out there, the longer he makes a mockery of me and the Jabari. I won’t be telling Zarah anything until she watches me thrown Davu off a cliff." 

"Well where else could he go? We have checked the Temple, the old villages in the far mountains, scoured every mountain we can. It may be time to consider the possibility that he is no longer in the country or escaped to the lower lands. If so, we may never find him." 

"I don’t care if I have to track him down in a country on this continent or another, I will find him."

N’Danna shared a look with T’Challa that told him not to push the issue again. He tried to convince M’Baku to let this go for a week with no such luck. "Where could he hide in the Golden City or Greater Wakanda?"

"We have checked all the obvious places but we have vast forests of our own. Hell, I do not even know all the nooks and crannies of this country. I can ask Shuri, Nakia and Okoye if they know of any additional places that would be good to hide. They may have a better idea." 

N’Danna nodded, "I think we should refocus. Outside of Jabariland and Wakanda. T’Challa, do you think you could send his photo to our War Dogs next door? They may be able to help if he snuck into their borders." 

T’Challa nodded, "Of course. I will have Nakia and Shuri reach out to them. They have the most dealings with the War Dogs." 

"I just don’t think he would leave Wakanda. His whole life is here. Would he even know how to survive elsewhere?" 

"M’Baku… it is time to let it go. You have tunnel vision brother. There is no where else for him to hide here. I pulled our men back from the compound as well." 

M’Baku’s nostrils flared. "What? What if he goes back?" 

N’Danna braced his weight over their war table, frustrated at having to defend smart military decisions to his irrational chief. "We can’t maintain the lie that we arrested everyone and keep men stationed outside their compound! Either we admit we lost him and keep the men there should he circle back or we pull out. You can’t have it both ways."

M’Baku’s shoulders relaxed, understanding the decision after his initial rush to anger. He sighed. "Fine. Let me know what the War Dogs say."

"Understood," both men answered before signing off. 

***

The wind howled loudly as he stood waiting in a secluded clearing  in the forest. This spot was perfect, just far and tucked away enough that no one would accidentally stumble upon it. The branches lashed and crashed against each other, increasing the noise needed to mask this conversation. He paced back and forth, like the military man he was. The soft crunch of his foot as it broke the blanket of snow to connect with the frozen Earth below didn’t quite reach his ears. But he knew it was there, among all the other soft night jittering and harsh winds. It might be scary for some to stand there at night with no one around, but, for him, it was soothing. It was peac-

"Why the fuck would you ask me to meet you all the way out here? At 2 in the morning?" A voice angrily yelled over the winds. He heard the man before he saw him, forcing his eyes to roll only minimally as he turned to face him. Kasim was many things and irritating happened to be top of the list.

"Calm down. For someone yearning to steal my position, you should know it is filled with late nights. You should stop if you can’t handle it," Kide called back over the orchestra of natural noises, covering the small open space quickly to stand in front of his fellow soldier. 

Kasim’s jaw clenched before he started to steer his body back toward the direction he came. "If your only interest is trading jabs, we could do that with our knobkerries in daylight in the warmth of the training center. Now tell me what you want or I am leaving." These last few weeks were frustratingly slow for the warrior who preferred working to anything else. But he would be lying if he said he didn’t need the extra rest. But if he could not work, the last thing he wanted to do was be dragged into the forest in the middle of winter by a man he didn’t like for no apparent reason.

"Alright, alright." Kide raised his hands in surrender, willing to halt his hostilities for a moment. He needed the man, he shouldn’t insult him. "I called you out here because this conversation can’t happen in the Lodge."

"And there are no other places in Jabariland to talk, that include a fireplace, other than the Great Lodge. Did Davu actually take over and revert us all back to cavemen while I was on leave?" Kasim asked sarcastically. 

"Nowhere that isn’t overflowing with listening ears. And last I checked, trees and animals know no words. I don’t want to be here with you any more than you wish to be here with me. But unfortunately for me, you are the only person I can trust with this."

Kasim’s eyed Kide suspiciously. In his experience, information that can only be entrusted with one person is not information to be shared. And Hanuman help you if you are that poor unfortunate soul. "Me? Why would I be the only person in the Lands you can trust with anything? You don’t like me and to be quite honest, I don’t like you."

"Because I do not have to like you to respect you. And I know this much… you are one of the few guards I know who can’t be swayed or bought. You are true to the Jabari first and always. You would die for Lady Zarah. You love her."

"I-I-I d-do no-" he spurted, trying to quickly set the record straight. But Kide raised his hand.

"You don’t have to lie to me. You forget I grew up around her… She is beautiful, smart, funny, warm. She is a hard one not to love. I see it, I’ve seen it since the first time you met her." It was one of the reasons for his immediate disapproval of Kasim’s position as head of the Queensguard. One should not be in love with the person they are tasked with protecting; love leads men down a path of foolish decisions. He could see Kasim start to shift uncomfortably. "Don’t worry, your secret pining for our chieftess is safe with me. I can’t have Lord M’Baku throwing you off a mountain… not yet anyway. I-I thought you betrayed her."

Kasim nodded. "I figured as much when N’Danna told us to take an extended leave. Whoever did this… is a coward, a sorry excuse for a Jabari. I am neither of those things. Lady Zarah has my loyalty until my dying breath. I would have never let anyone hurt her and not done everything in my power to stop them." 

Kide shifted his eyes to the trees to his left at the faint sound of rustling. He squinted his eyes to see if someone was there but when he couldn’t see anything, he deduced that it was merely a small animal. 

"I know. I am sorry, I tried to put it together for the last few weeks and it didn’t make sense. But not everyone loves Lady Zarah like you do… values loyalty as we do. Lord M'Baku and General N’Danna seem to think this mutiny ends with the workers. We captured two of them, that is how they got access to the Lodge and their quarters." He reached into his fur and handed Kasim a small drive that held all the information on the kidnapping and the manhunt for Davu.

"This is everything we have. Information you should have been privy to since the beginning and I iced you out of. Apologies."

Kasim shook his head, waving off the apology. "I would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed. It is water under the bridge. But I take it, since we are out here, that you disagree with M’Baku and N’Danna?"

"Yes. You review the files at home and can tell me if you think I am crazy. Davu could just be a genius. A lot of this happened because we discounted him for so long. The workers may have been enough, they were able to give him access and a cover. Who knows what other information about the Jabari in general they could have passed along. But the fire is where it starts to fall apart." 

"The village fire? The official report said it was an accident," Kasim said as he dusted the snow off a fallen log and sat down. 

"Aye, but we both know official does not mean accurate. It was arson, set to draw M’Baku and the guard away from the Lodge." 

"Ah, only a select few would know the type of emergency needed to warrant such a response. Certainly not two maintenance workers." 

"Exactly. The workers could give him their best assumptions and maybe he just made a lucky guess. But they say he planned this for over a year. The entire plan hinged on creating the perfect circumstances to get Zarah while she was alone. Why would a man like that base his plan on sets of assumptions? He knew he only had one shot."

"He wouldn’t… He would set them on firm assurances and facts. Assurances and facts he could only get from certain people. Lord M’Baku, N’Danna, Elder Amari, M’Cebo, Mosi, Jahari and us," he listed, finally understanding. "You think it is Jahari or Mosi?"

"It is the perfect plan, a spy within the guard? Davu could have anything, know anything about us."

"Look… this is compelling yes. And I am not saying I disagree with you. But what you are suggesting is treason. Treason among men we train with, eat with, see more than we see our families. Are you sure you want to go down this road?" 

"I love every man in our guard. I would die for them all, even you. But treason is treason. And traitors are parasites that threaten the very survival of us all. They must be plucked out. Are you with me?" 

"And if it is one of them? You know what you will have to do? What we might have to do?"

"It is not about what I want to do. I will do whatever honor, my Lord and Hanuman command. They are all that hold my loyalties." 

Kasim nodded. "What do you need from me?"

***

Kide strolled through the Lodge with N'Danna as they went over the duties for the week.

"I think we should put the entire guard through training just to ensure they all are still sharp and on their toes. We can do it in waves as to not disrupt their posts," Kide said as they walked. 

"Understood. I think that is a great idea and by doing it with everyone, we avoid stigmatizing Kasim and Mosi. I heard they are having some trouble with the other guards." 

"The usual harassment. I have told the rest of the guard to relax. Even I can understand being ambushed, it can happen to anyone." 

"How mature of you," N'Danna smirked, surprised by the change in Kide’s tone after actively discounting the men for so long. "Elder Amari," he called, surprised to see his baba in the palace this early. "What are you doing here?" 

"I came to speak with Chief M'Baku about this Davu business but he was in a meeting. It is bad form, son, what is going on." 

Kide slowed his steps to trail behind the former general and his son, not wanting to intrude on their conversation. 

"I mean, you both will look foolish if anyone finds out you let him escape. You cannot successfully lead this army if you don't have the respect of the people. Does your sister know?"

"No, M'Baku chose not to tell her. Which is why you can’t mention it to anyone, even mama." 

"Good. I wouldn’t tell her if I were you. Her mental health can’t handle such a blow. You know your sister is not strong like the rest of us... isn't built for harshness. I mean this whole ordeal has been a mess. You all still can’t find him?"

"No. He has evaded us at every turn. We almost got him twice but each time, by the time we got there, he was gone. I can’t understand it. He is running out of places to hide. And you shouldn't say such things about Zarah... she is strong in many ways."

"But not the ways that matter," Amari answered, his tone signaling his opinion of his second born would not be swayed. "You can’t continue to be bested by a caveman son. He is making a mockery of your leadership. Did you all search the caves again?"

"Understood father. We will find him. And yes, still abandoned. It is likely that he will circle back there if he hasn’t already so we decided to pull them back. There are a couple still monitoring the entrances we know of but we cannot continue to perpetuate the lie we caught him and have a group of soldiers stationed there. And we have War Dogs across the borders looking for him, decided to focus our efforts there. There are few places he can hide here. We are leaving no stone unturned. Let me know if there is anything else you think we should do?" N’Danna appreciated his dad’s willingness to step in and offer counsel, his confidence in his military prowess dwindling the longer Davu remained free.

"Understood. You would be wise to lean on my counsel. I would like to see that lunatic’s body at the bottom of a cliff before Hanuman calls me to the ancestral mountains. But that can only happen if you and that chief shape up. Let me know how I can be of assistance."

"Yes baba. I have to go but I will update you later. Kide, alert everyone of the training. We will get it on the calendar tomorrow." The two men hugged and Kide shook hands with Elder Amari before they all parted ways.

***

"Were you trying to murder me today?" Mosi asked jokingly of his partner as they entered the training center’s locker room. He quickly untied his snow-covered boots and began stripping off his clothes, exhausted after running multiple miles around the mountains. 

Kasim laughed, "Never that. We have only been off duty for a month and you were acting like an old man. We need to be ready when N’Danna lets us do the physical exam and get cleared for duty again."

"I am not as young as you," he chuckled. "Any idea what the hold up is? You are in the inner circle not me."

Kasim tilted his head, "Between the two of us, Kide doesn't believe that we were ambushed. Do you remember anything else about that night? That might help us prove what happened." 

Kasim watched him from the corner of his eye. He noted the long pause and uncomfortable shifting Mosi did as he contemplated what to say. Mosi licked his lips before saying, "No, not really. It is still a complete blank. You realize Kide only questions the story because he dislikes you?" 

Kasim laughed, "Probably true. Either way, I wouldn't read too much into it. Kide is one man and both N'Danna and Lord M'Baku believe us. I think they are just not taking any chances and want to ensure we are in tip top shape before we come back. You were saying you hadn’t had a day off in a while, consider it a mini-vacation."

It had been a week since his meeting with Kide, both agreeing to take time to see if their suspicions had merit. So far, Kasim felt they were baseless. Mosi wasn’t acting like someone with something to hide. Other than being slightly more anxious than usual, the man was acting normally.

"I suppose. I just hate sitting at home, nothing to do really. Anyway, I am going to hit the showers. Same time tomorrow?"

"Definitely! Don’t pull any of that old man nonsense tomorrow either." Kasim looked down at his beads, that he had sitting in his open locker, one pulsing a deep blue. "Oh my wife called, I should call her back."

Mosi nodded before walking around the corner. Kasim pressed the bead again, ending the pulsing from a staged call from Kide, and waited until he heard the shower going. Years of showering next to Mosi taught him that the man, after a tough session, loved a long shower. He had some time before he got out.

Kaşım secretly thanked God for his rebellious upbringing, where he learned how to pick locks. He surmised that it was one of the reasons Kide disliked him so. Kasim was rough around the edges when he joined the guard. While some like Kide joined knowing it was their life’s calling and decided that at a young age, Kasim had a different path. He was an orphan, his parents died after being caught in a bad storm while camping. He was taken in by his aunt and uncle but acted out constantly, getting into all manner of trouble. After years of trouble-making and missteps, Chief M’Badu, M’Baku’s father, offered him an opportunity to join the guard. He felt some structure would discipline him. He was right, Kasim excelled and straightened out his life, dedicating it to the protection of the Jabari. Not everyone thought he deserved that though.

He was also thankful that, while somethings in Jabariland were advanced, lockers were not one of them. He pressed his ear to the locker door and moved a pen around until he heard a quiet click, signaling that it would yield to his will.

He opened Mosi’s locker and rifled around the top shelves. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for. Maybe a sign with bright red serial killer letters that says "I am a traitor" like in old American movies, he thought. He carefully moved things around, not wanting to disturb the look of the space, pausing every so often to ensure the shower was still going.

The man is definitely a slob, Kasim thought to himself as he moved the heap of clothes at the bottom of his locker around. He was about to give up. Nothing that signaled "I am leading a mutiny within the Jabari" jumped out at him or even gave him pause until he found a small bag at the bottom of the locker. 

He gently pulled the bag out. He opened it and almost blew his cover, stifling a series of curse words that almost fell from his lips. Wakandan dollars and lots of them.

"Where the fuck…" he whispered to himself. He quickly looked around the bag for any indication of who or where it came from but found none. He placed it back in its spot, putting the clothes over it and closed his locker, noting to take a second look tomorrow.

He quickly signed out a message to Kide, "May have found something. Meet tomorrow."

***

"This is the last time I can meet you like this," he called as he heard rustling nearby. "I can't continue to disappear. They will become suspicious." The sun streamed through the gaps in the trees as he waited, leaning against a tree. 

"Understood," Davu answered, as he emerged from a break in the forest. "It was inevitable that this part of our alliance come to an end. Was it smart for us to meet in the middle of the day? You had no trouble exiting Jabariland?"

"I know where all the good exits are. That is why I chose this location, closest and easiest exit and far from the search parties. It is far less suspicious for us to meet while the rest of the tribe is working. And no one would question me going on a ride during the day."

Davu nodded, perching himself on the tree across from the man. "You have news?"

"You can go home now. M’Baku was fixated on you still being within Jabariland but he has been persuaded to direct his attentions outside Wakanda’s borders to Niganda, Canaan and Azania." 

"Excellent, life on the run was getting old. Thank you for your help with that by the way. What next then?" 

He scoffed, "Next? There is no next. I gave you everything you needed to succeed and you failed." 

"Everything except telling me who the spy was within my men?" 

"Only four people in Jabariland knew we had a spy in the Dwellers so it would have taken them no time to trace that back to me. And then my body would have been decaying alongside yours at the bottom of a cliff. I will help you but dying for you? That is where my allegiance ends. And had it not been for her tortured screams, that spy would have never known she was even there. You were supposed to take her, hide her and keep her long enough to make the demands. Not torture her mercilessly for two days," he responded angrily. "That was not a part of our deal!" 

"You act as if you care about her as you plot to overthrow her husband and marry her off to a man she considers a religious fanatic. And our deal was that she survive. She is still breathing, is she not? Do any of them suspect you?" 

"Don't you dare question my love for her. I have no love for that husband of hers but her life was not supposed to hang in the balance like this. She isn't built for it. And only one… her guard Mosi and he had the audacity to confront me? But thankfully, like many, his loyalties were easily bought. He remembered me walking by their quarters before they were ambushed. But $50,000 later and he now conveniently remembers nothing." 

"Good. All is well then. If you are willing to reconsider my first proposition, we could speed up this process." 

Laughter filled the quiet afternoon. "Betraying him is one thing but I won’t kill him. My betrayal would have been forgiven or forgotten when all the loyalists were dead but they would never forgive me if I stabbed our chief in the heart. If you want to send him to the ancestral mountains, then you must do so on your own. But if you go that route, you can count on my support when you make your claim against M’Cebo. You will need it. But you are safe to return to the caves. I will send a message if that changes. Lay low, bide your time. After a few more weeks, I will work to plant the seed that you are in Niganda, where you can’t be extradited. And then you can rebuild." 

"Thank you. Until next time brother. *Hanuman shall rise again."

The two grasped hands before he saddled his horse again. "Hanuman shall rise again," he whispered before riding off.

***

Kide paced at the usual meeting spot, his life controlled by meetings no one could know about. 

"You took your time," he complained when he heard rustling to his left, turning slowly to be face to face with Kasim.

"I didn’t realize our 2 a.m. meeting in the middle of the fucking forest had such time restrictions. My apologies. Do you have an update?"

Kide shook his head. "I haven't noticed anything odd about Jahari's behavior over the last week. I had the second guard on Zarah’s detail look into him as well. Told him Jahari was being considered for leadership. He hasn’t seen anything suspicious either. You found something with Mosi?"

"Yes, his behavior is normal. A bit more skittish and anxious but I could chalk that up to a reaction from being ambushed, not all that suspicious on its own." 

"You found something in his locker?" Kide asked as he sat on the fallen tree across from Kasim.

"He is more religious than I thought so that could be a motive but his locker isn’t overflowing with love letters to Davu or anything. But there was one thing - money. A sack of it."

"How much?"

"I went through while he was showering, I didn’t have time to count it. Best estimate is around $40-50,000."

Kide whistled in surprise. "So certainly more than someone should have in their locker. More than a guard would have on hand. No indication of where it came from?"

"No… no note or anything. Just a sack of cash."

"So it was him?"

"I didn't say that. That money could have been from anything. You know some of the guards like to gamble… what if it was someone paying him a debt? Besides, if it was a bribe or pay off for being a traitor, why would he leave it in his locker? That would make him the world's dumbest criminal. I won’t throw my second in command under a carriage when there could be a reasonable explanation for this."

Kide ran his hand over his face, frustrated. "One, no guard - even an avid gambler - would have that much money on hand so that is out. Two, the guards should not be gambling so we will need to have a conversation about that. Three, Mosi certainly didn't make it onto the Queensguard because he is smart. If anyone was going to be dumb enough to leave that much money in their locker, it would be him. Four, Davu lives in a cave so there is no way he is hoarding that much money so he didn't pay him." 

"So it is from something else or it is hush money. Mosi could have actually remembered something from that night that implicates someone else. This is all contingent on how far we think this goes. If it stops at someone helping him come up with the idea of the fire and gain access, then it is Mosi. But if we are also assuming someone is keeping Davu informed on this manhunt - which I think after reading through the information you gave me - then Mosi isn’t enough. He hasn’t been in those conversations so he is working with someone else." 

"Well who else could it be? Mosi and Jahari were the only options." 

"They aren’t are only options." the two men’s eyes darkened. "There are other people who would know our procedures, would have a reason to hurt Lady Zarah… would know about this manhunt and keep Davu steps ahead and would have access to cash."

"Lord M’Baku didn’t have his own wife kidnapped," Kide said incredulously. "That is absurd."

"I wasn’t talking about M’Baku," Kasim snapped. "Who else is in those meetings or would have access to the information shared in those meetings? "

"King T’Challa doesn’t have a motive. Davu is a threat to the New Wakanda he is trying to build. He wouldn’t unseat M’Baku for him. And M’Cebo doesn’t care enough about the throne to go through all this. You think…" Realizations washed over him. "You can’t be serious! Neither of them could have done this."

"Family ties mean nothing in quests for power and control. Remember the usurper down the mountains? He was the King’s cousin. According to Lord M’Baku, that whole thing started because King T’Chaka killed his own brother!"

"Because his brother was a traitor to Wakanda!" Kide hissed. "What would either of them have to gain from having her kidnapped and almost murdered?"

"Who knows? The same thing Jahari or Mosi would have to gain. More power, a person in power who believes as they do? Neither of them agreed with rejoining Wakanda in the first place, they were completely against it." 

"Disagreeing with the policies of the tribe and trying to overthrow our chief are two different things Kasim! We are talking about treason!" Kide jumped up, frustration overflowing at the suggestion made.

"We were talking about treason when you tried to accuse me! We were talking about treason when we BOTH accused our brothers. When you had to potentially dangle my body or one of theirs over execution’s cliff, you had no reservations. ’Hanuman, Lord M’Baku and the Jabari are the only things that hold my loyalties," he repeated back, mimicking Kide who glared back at him with clear irritation. "Do you remember that big talk? But now that it could be your mentor and friend, you want to shy away? We aren’t meeting in the middle of the woods at night for something simple, all of this is treason. You started us down this road, you don’t get to back out just because you don’t like where it leads."

Kasim continued, "They both have a motive, access and means to help Davu pull this off. If Mosi’s money has something to do with this, maybe he say or heard something that implicates them? They are one of the few families with that type of money. You said that Davu has been evading the search party, one step ahead of us this entire time. Who else would know that information? Are we assuming that he is just a genius who can outsmart N’Danna, M’Baku and all the Panthers? They were both here in the Lodge during the kidnapping! And N'Danna led the rescue mission. I read over the plan, it should have been foolproof."

"That doesn’t mean anything. They were in a meeting, they both have offices in the Lodge. Hardly an implication that they were here that night… where they work. We can’t accuse either of them of this. The mere suggestion that our general or his son are traitors would turn the guard, hell the entire Army against us. You want my job so bad? How do you expect to be ‘head of the guard' with no support?"

"Neither one of us was winning any popular votes to begin with Kide. This is treason… I am not going to sacrifice the lives of our Chief and Chieftess to be popular, that is the definition of treason. And I am not suggesting we accuse anyone without proof. That’s what we need… proof."

"So you think it was N'Danna?"

"I think of our current options, N'Danna is the most likely suspect, possibly with Mosi’s help, wittingly or unwittingly. If the plan fails, Zarah and M'Baku would never think to implicate her own brother and if it succeeded, he gets to maintain his position and go back to the old days of isolation." Kasim sighed, "But I won't rule out his father either. Elder Amari spends his days slithering through the Lodge trying to insert himself in dealings that don't concern him. He is a bored old man and the bored usually find themselves in trouble. It wouldn't shock me if he has gotten information on this manhunt from N'Danna or another source and been informing Davu. It is a toss up. Look, I don't get any joy out of it being N'Danna or Elder Amari. Believe me, it would be easier on everyone to toss Mosi of the Peak than either of them, for sure. But if we are going to pursue this, we have to pursue all options, even the inconvenient ones."

Kide nodded reluctantly, his mind racing back to the conversation he overheard earlier of N’Danna giving his father all the information he wanted to know about their “secret” manhunt. He didn’t want to consider the idea that the man who took him under his wing or his son were capable of this. But even he couldn’t ignore the writing on the wall, the clear implications and evidence that pointed right at the both of them. Kasim was right, though he loathed it, inconvenience was not an excuse to ignore the truth. 

"We can’t go to Lady Zarah or Lord M’Baku without more than this. What we have is circumstantial at best. At worst, they may consider it treason. We need Davu or Mosi, one of them to corroborate. Do you think you could get Mosi to talk?" 

"I can… you know I can. Am I going to catch any heat for how I do it?" 

"Not from me. Do what you must." 

***

"I am glad we were able to do this. The Panthers will be here later tonight, the rest of the council in the morning so I will be busy entertaining them for the week." 

"What are they here for anyway?" 

"Shuri and I have a few projects to finish up, ones we were working on befor-" she paused, not wanting to wade into those waters right now. "And it is M’Baku’s turn to host the council, which is just a bunch of work for me." Zarah hurried around her room, pulling two glasses off a shelf in their lounge area and a bottle of high-quality rum, a gift from King T'Challa. 

"Are you sure you are up for guests? I mean it has been a tough few weeks. I am sure King T’Challa would have understood if you canceled," Adisa asked seriously, as she poured her best friend a round. The two were enjoying their weekly tradition of meeting for drinks, but instead of meeting at their favorite restaurant, they were in Zarah’s bedroom.

"Seriously Adisa? What would the other council members say if we cancelled? They are just warming up to M’Baku’s position on the council anyway. He may not care what they think but I do. I couldn’t insult them or embarrass him by cancelling the whole thing. That would make getting the Jabari’s needs taken seriously even harder." 

"Alright, alright. I get it, no need to bite my head off," Adisa said, raising her hands in surrender. "I just am worried about you. As is your brother, by the way. All he does is toss and turn all night these days, he is barely sleeping. When he comes to bed that is."

Zarah chuckled bitterly, "Well, you both can join the list then. Everyone is worried about me. Not that they need to be. Tell him he shouldn’t lose sleep over me though."

"You sure about that?" she eyed her long-time friend quizzingly.

"Yes!" She cried frustratingly. "I am fine. It's like everyone, including my husband, is determined to believe otherwise but I am fine. Almost all my injuries have healed and Davu’s execution is coming up. It has been over a month… all is back to normal. What do I have to be upset about?"

Adisa was thankful Zarah was busy pouring herself another round as she spoke and didn’t notice the way her face fell at the mention of her friend’s attacker. She cursed the heavens and her husband for even bringing her into he and M’Baku’s lies. She wished they had kept her out of it. But she went along with it because despite her friend’s attempts to convince her, she knew Zarah wasn’t alright and didn’t need to worry about this on top of everything else.

"Well, as long as you feel good about things, that is all that matters.” The two drank, enjoying pleasantries and surface conversation over several more rounds before Adisa attempted to probe into her friend’s life again. 

“How are you and M’Baku doing? Given any thought to that heir your parents were harassing you about at the party? I am sure M’Baku loved that,” she joked. 

Zarah turned her head away from Adisa, tugging on the sleeve of M’Baku’s sweater and shrugged her shoulders. "N-no… I doubt he will want to now," she muttered sadly.

"M’Baku? The man who has been wanting to get you pregnant since... well forever? The man who is trying to create his own personal army? Why would you think that?"

"He hasn’t… we haven’t… we haven’t had sex since I came home. Hell, he barely sleeps in the same bed as me. We haven’t gone to bed together since before Baba’s birthday party."

"What? M’Baku hasn’t slept in your bed in over a week?" She was shocked. The two friends told each other everything so she knew more than she probably needed to about their sex life. More than a month might as well have been a year for the couple.

"Yea… I tried but he has all but pushed me off him every time so I stopped trying. He will say he is just too tired or point to my injuries. I understood at first, they were not the sexiest thing to look at. But now? It’s something he isn’t saying. Maybe he just doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Not even two years in… not exactly a promising sign for the future right?" She quickly downed the glass in front of her, grimacing at the slight burn as it went down her throat, before grabbing the bottle to refill it again. It only took her a moment before that glass was empty again and she was grabbing for the bottle again.

"I am sure that is not it Za. M’Baku loves you, adores you. It has to be something else. And maybe you should slow down with the rum." Adisa had drunk with her enough to know that the chieftess was a lightweight. 

"What else could it be Adisa?" She demanded, standing up and pacing by her couch. "I can see it in his eyes. Every time he sees me, he doesn’t see me. He sees that broken, half-dead woman they dragged out of that Hanuman-forsaken cave. Why would he want to be with that?"

"Zarah, don’t say such a thing. M’Baku doesn’t hold it against you, no one does. That was completely out of your control. It certainly hasn’t made him love you less, that is ridiculous."

"If it is so ridiculous then why has he found comfort with another woman?" Zarah asked. 

"What?" 

"He is cheating on me Isa! He refuses to touch me, he is gone all hours of the night, constantly checking his beads for messages. Last week, after the party, he said he would be in his office working all night. I stopped by to check on him, he was nowhere to be found. And before you ask, no he didn’t just step out. There wasn’t even a fire going." Zarah was somehow both the conductor and a passenger on a runaway train filled with a month’s worth of built-up paranoia and anxiety. She was guiding it as it as it bulldozed through logical thought and reason. But she also felt like someone else was in control it and all she could do was sit back and watch as it headed toward destruction. 

"And he vowed he would never hurt me like this… never break my trust in him. I fall down on the job once, I wallow a bit too long for his liking and those vows just disappear. I should have known… I couldn’t satisfy him anymore so he found someone who could, a woman who doesn’t disgust him. A woman who isn’t broken. I guess this is just Hanuman’s will though right?" She laughed bitterly as she filled her glass again. "Everything is. All this pain, this destruction and heartache. And he just watches from above as we struggle to survive with the injury he inflicts on us all. He should have just let me die in that cell… that would have been less painful than watching M’Baku’s love turn i-i-into hate." 

Adisa jumped up and grabbed the glass out of Zarah’s hand as it connected with her lips again. "ZARAH! Look at me. Listen to me." She grasped the chieftess’s shoulders to force her to pay attention.

"M’Baku does not hate you. He loves you. He is not cheating on you, I know it. Whatever is going on with him, it is not that. I don’t ever want to hear you suggest that you should have died. It would have destroyed him, all of us. You are not better off in the ancestral mountains than here with us. You are allowed to be angry at Hanuman, he deals a shit hand. But th- this isn’t healthy. You are hurting and holding all that in is killing you, Za."

Adisa reached the end of her rope. It wasn’t her secret to tell but could no one else see? Where they so wrapped up in this game of chase with a caveman that they couldn’t see the fissures slowly branching through Zarah? Was it not obvious that she was near collapse or were they all fooled by her dimmed smiles and forced positivity? Adisa didn’t know but she knew protecting M’Baku and N’Danna's pride was not worth watching her best friend flail and drown when they could provide a lifeboat. Initially, she thought keeping it a secret was protecting her mental health, giving her the optimal scenario to heal and cope. But now, she realized how wrong they were. While trying and failing to heal one wound, they ripped open old ones sending her friend spiraling back into the insecure woman she once was. Their job was to help her work through her trauma, not heap on more for her to deal with.

"You know what... I think you should go for a walk. Yes, a walk would do you some good," she suggested pointedly.

Zarah rubbed her forehead, face hot and head hurting from her paranoid-filled rant, and looked at her friend with confusion. "A walk? What will that do?"

Adisa placed a kiss to the top of her head before sliding her fur coat back on. "Walks clear the mind. Many elders say they find their greatest self discoveries during a nice walk. And maybe if your walk takes you to the back of the Lodge and to the last row of old offices… you may find a discovery or two of your own." 

"Those offices are abandoned. They are just storage," Zarah said, shaking her head, still not understanding. 

"Yes, abandoned storage spaces in a part of the Lodge where no one goes. Perfect place for late night meetings no one should know about. And I don’t know, maybe during your walk, you can happen upon one of those meetings." 

Zarah jumped up, grabbing Adisa’s arm as she walked toward the door. "What do you know Adisa?"

Adisa squeezed her hand and opened the bedroom door. "A walk Za… You should get out of this room anyway. Call me after."

Zarah wasted little time pulling on her shoes and walking out of her room. She didn’t even waste time telling Jahari where she was going. She hurried through the Lodge, ignoring greetings and smiles from staff. She was a woman on a mission, a drunk woman woman on a mission. By the time she reached the back section of the Lodge, she wondered if Adisa had sent her on a fool’s errand. Would her husband be so bold as to cheat right here in the Lodge? That would be foolish. But she pressed forward until she reached the corridor that held the three offices. She tried to open one door but it was locked. As she grasped the handle of the second door, she heard it: voices. She turned it, thankful to find it unlocked, and pushed inside. 

****

"Thank you for coming in early."

"It is no trouble at all. The council meeting will take up most of our visit so it is good to get this out of the way early," T’Challa responded. "Nakia heard back from our War Dogs." 

"They all are keeping an eye out and working their contacts to see if he is there. But their lands are like ours, many places to hide and they have to be discreet. The War Dog in Niganda is our best bet, given our relationship with the country. If I had to put money on where he would go, it would be there. He likely knew they would not let us into their borders to find him or extradite him back to us." 

"Davu was a former Jabari, he would know that history like the rest o-" M’Baku stopped talking as he heard the door started to open behind him, whipping around to come face to face with his wife. 

"Zarah! What are you doing here?"

She walked in, briefly ignoring her husband’s question, as she tried to understand the scene in front of her. She stared around taking in the faces of her brother, the Panthers and her husband, surrounded by information on a computer screen and spread across a table. "I should ask you the same thing. What are you all doing here?" 

Everyone shifted uncomfortably, tension steady rising as they waited for M’Baku to speak. His ship was sinking and they had no life rafts to spare. He was going to have to find his own way out of this one. 

"Nothing to say? Because it looks to me," she started, gesturing at the computer that had Davu’s face pulled up and a map of Wakanda with clear markings of a detailed search grid, "that you are searching for Davu, which is odd because he is supposed to be in a cell downstairs. So let me guess… the late nights, the reason you won’t schedule the trials, you never caught him did you?" 

"How did you find out?" 

Zarah scoffed, lips pursed and alcohol-infused rage rising in her. "You just told me."

"Who told you of this meeting?"

"Adisa." She saw her brother’s jaw tighten with anger, "And don’t be mad at her. She is the only person who cared enough about me to tell me the truth." 

No one said anything, no one moved. The silence and tension in the space was piercing as M’Baku and Zarah stared at each other, both struggling to find the words. The longer she stood there, stewing in silence and looking between her husband’s guilty face and the materials scattered around the room, the larger her rage grew.

"Za, I-" 

"NO! You don’t get to call me that," she exploded, banging her fist on the table in front of her, unable to contain the emotions boiling over. "You don’t get to talk. You have been doing a lot of talking for the last month apparently and most of it wasn’t with me. And what was, was nothing but lies. Do you know I have been driving myself insane over you? Trying to figure out how to make you happy again, how not to lose you after everything else? All these late night meetings and secrets, I thought you were having an affair!"

"Zarah, you know me. I would never-"

"No, you would just lie and keep secrets, destroying the trust in our marriage all the same! Ho- Why? Why would you lie to me?" The alcohol in her system doing less to fuel her anger and more to intensify the hurt she felt. She thought he was better than this… thought they were better than this. The audience surrounding them was completely lost in the haze of her pain. Her tunnel vision was fixated on one person, her husband, whose heavy eyes spelled his guilt clearly. 

"You let me believe I was safe. You let me believe this was over… that he was gone. And then to maintain this lie, you let me think that I was crazy and damaged. That I had done something to push you away when all of this is you," she ranted angrily, her frustrations reaching a tipping point as reality settled around her. She couldn’t tell what more upsetting: his dishonesty or the actual lie itself, the fact that the monster haunting her dreams still roamed free. She was never safe and would never be safe.

"You are safe. He will never lay his eyes on you again, let alone harm you. I will find him," M’Baku argued, his deep baritone usually reassuring, beckoning her to believe every word that fell from his lips. But not today, today she didn’t believe any of it.

"It has been a month and you haven’t found him yet," she cried, anger increasing with her volume.

T’Challa and the Panthers stole glances at each other, wondering if they should leave. T’Challa warned him that this wouldn’t end well. Secrets never lasted and the truth always hurts worse when it follows a web of deceit. But he also knew that many had to learn that harsh lesson for themselves, as was the fate of his friend. 

"Perhaps we should leav-"

"No King T’Challa. Stay. My husband trusts you enough to bring you into his lies. More than he trusts his own wife with the truth. So stay."

"Za, that’s not true. I didn’t -" He reached out to grab her arm. 

She jerked away from him. "Do not touch me! No, you didn’t… didn’t think enough of me, value me enough to trust me with the truth. Why? Because I am too weak, emotionally unstable to handle it? The man I married includes me in decisions that affect me. He trusts me with the full picture, whether it is a good one or not. He doesn’t lie to me. How long were you gonna keep this up?"

"I just needed time Zarah. I wanted you to heal and get better and didn’t want this hanging over you. I promised that I would find him and kill him and I will."

"You promised to be honest and open with me. I didn’t see much of a commitment to that promise when you were lying to me for a month! You promised to keep me safe! Where was your dedication to that promise when I was stolen from our home and tortured endlessly for days? Or do promises only matter when your pride is on the line?" She fired back at him, rage overflowing and voice at its loudest level as she argued without thinking. 

A chill fell over the room as M’Baku’s head shot up, stunned and shattered at her statement. She noticed his eyes cloud over slightly, signaling that she let her pent up emotions run too far.

Zarah immediately felt a pang of guilt, she didn’t mean that. Her tone softened for the first time since her tornado of rage stormed into his office. "I am s-sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean that."

But the damage was already written in stone. The room remained silent as evidence of the fractures spreading between the Chief and Chieftess of Jabariland were laid bare for all to see. They looked without seeing each other, now only seeing the distrust, guilt, shame and resentment that were now seeping into their foundation. M’Baku remained silent as he took in her words. He still hadn’t rationalized the guilt he felt for the two days it took to locate his wife. He’d lie awake contemplating all the missteps and mistakes he made that could have been done differently, could have helped limit the extent of her suffering. Hearing those inner demons echoed back to him cut deeper, hurt more than any physical wound. She was calling into question every tenant of his being: his trustworthiness, his dedication to keeping his word, his manhood, his pride. 

"Jahari will escort you back to our chambers Lady Zarah. We are done here." 

The dismissal was swift, like a lightning bolt to her soul. She felt the pain of the scorched Earth that resided there spreading, snapping out the life as it went. There is little to be salvaged here.

She nodded, pulling herself to her full height before turning on her heels to exit. Her hand grasped the door as she started to walk out when she turned back around and addressed M’Baku again. "Are you happy I survived? Happy I am here instead of in the ancestral mountains?"

M’Baku’s eyes softened, the mere suggestion that she would fear otherwise further fracturing his breaking heart. "Yes, of course. Why would you ask that?"

"I used to think that, that would be the only way I would ever leave you. Hanuman would literally have to rip my soul from this Earth before I departed from you,” she smiled sadly, using her sweater to fully wipe the tear tracks off her face. The sad smile disappeared and was replaced with a coolness in her eyes that M’Baku had never seen addressed toward him. 

“But death is not the only way to lose me, Lord M’Baku. It would serve you well to remember that." She didn’t spare him or any of them a second glance before she exited the room, slamming the door behind her.

***

Taglist: @destinio1 @muse-of-mbaku @great-neckpectations @missmohnique @jellybean531 @dawva @afrolatinpami 

[lovexdejun]

🖤NCT Boyfriend Series🖤

- [🌃] WinWin

>>no warnings; suggestive

•one of the most beautiful men i have ever seen in my entire life •you’re working a summer job at this book store on a boardwalk when you meet him •he comes in looking like an actual god, not a drop of sweat visible even though it’s boiling hot outside •you watch with your face behind your book as he surveys the shelves •the way his face lights up when he finds the one he’s looking for is something you want framed on your wall •and the book is one of your favorites which makes him 100x more appealing •not getting his number was probably the biggest mistake you’d ever made •you thought •until one slow saturday morning you heard that bell chime above the door •the only reason sicheng came here the first time was because it was the only place known to carry his favorite novel (he needed a new copy after lucas and chenle decided to pelt him with paintballs while he read) •he didn’t even live nearby, cursing the two younger chinese boys as he sat cheek to cheek with complete strangers on the subway •but his mood had automatically shifted the moment he stepped into the air-conditioned vintage book store •you, hunched over a book with an obviously nerve-wrecking ending •he thought it was so cute the way your head shot up, eyes wide, as you pushed your thick hair behind your ear •when you shot him that bright smile tho, it was over for him •so he found himself making another hour trip to the same book store the very next week •even if it was just to buy a random bookmark in order to talk to you for a few seconds •over time, you learned a lot about him through his taste in literature •and after bombarding him with thousands of questions •he’s a foreigner who moved to your country for school on a scholarship bc he’s actually smart as hell •he learned a lot about you because you talk a lot •but he likes that •sicheng isn’t much of a talker, so it’s relieving to have you doing all the work •plus, he could listen to your stories all day •eventually you get sick of this cat and mouse game •so when he asks for a pen to sign his credit card receipt, you shake your head •”only if you promise to write your phone number down with it, too.” •this makes him blush sO HARD and he’s a giggling mess when he takes the pen from you and scribbles his number onto the paper •he gets so impatient waiting for your text that night that he begins to think he gave you a wrong digit bc he was so flustered •in all honesty, you were just trying to figure out what to say •you’ll settle on a mere ‘hey hope i wasn’t too forward back there lol’ •and his spirit will actually leave his body when figures out it’s from you •’no way! i should have made a move a while ago:)’ •you guys text almost 24 hours a day •both super fast responders •he’s no longer timid when he comes, actually talking instead of just admiring the way your lips move •he’d ask you on a date to this four-story bookloft downtown, closer to where he lives •you’d look so cute when he came to pick you up that he couldn’t speak for a good minute •you’ll look even cuter when you’re admiring the endless maze of books and standing on your tiptoes to try to reach the highest shelve •you turn to him and ask him to get if for you, but just he’ll hold it above your head and make you jump for it •when he finally lets you grab it, he’s pulling you into a deep, longing kiss, which he’s clearly been wanting to give you for a while •the rest of the summer is full of warm nights at the beach and early morning sunrises •unexpected kisses •drawn out, tenacious hugs that seem to say ‘i never want this to end’ •slow drives in the late evening with the windows down •the two of you love to feel the cool ocean breeze against your faces •you like the outline of his profile against the night sky when the moonlight hits his face •with him, there would probably be a lot of car sex •like when you go out on your little drives, you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off him •so he’d pull over in a deserted park and climb over into the passenger seat as you reclined all the way back •if you had sex in the back seat, you’d just lay there and stare at the stars through the sunroof afterward •sex with him would be intimate and close, like jaehyun •you’re with him as much as your schedules will allow you to be •he’d drive the distance to see you, and every other day you’d take the subway to see him •when summer nears its end, you’re practically inseparable bc you don’t know if you’ll have time for each other when school starts •you’ll be in your final year of high school and he’ll be starting college •you try to make things work for the first few months but you end up breaking it off because you just want each other to be happy •although, neither of you begin to see anyone else in hopes that things will change •and they do •you both think it’s fate when you get an english scholarship to a university only a couple miles away from his •like you hadn’t even applied there, they just saw your work and wanted you •and suddenly you know for sure that what you have with sicheng is nothing random •you had never felt so free and complete until you met him and he never knew someone could make him feel so comfortable and warm with only smile •a relationship with sicheng would be such an aesthetic i swear. like he makes me think of midnight phone convos and hanging out on rooftops to stare at the city skyline. he would be so sweet and dedicated to you ughhhh •i’d throw him in with the soft and lazy lines and maybe a little bit of opposites attract.

>>how tf is sicheng even real ugh hes the king of bf pictures and literally spoonfeeds us boyfriend vibes i gotta go

>>no one will ever scream bf more than johnny tho and you can’t change my mind

A/N: so i thought i posted this earlier but i guess not lol hope you enjoyed it ilovesichengsomuchhe’smyactualbabyboyughsofuckingcute *screams*

nct | requests are always open!!

[mdwatchestv]

Westworld 2x05: Ain’t Nothing To Fuck With

How did all these disparate threads come together to create this nightmare? HOW INDEED FARES FARES, HOW INDEED.

Anyway welcome back to Westworld! I was pleasantly surprised by the cohesion and thematic relevance of last week's episode, and while they weren't able to deliver as tight a narrative this week, the hour did manage to deliver something often sorely missed on this show - fun! Sure, there was still some gloom and doom, but there was also like adventure! Comic relief! Action! Wu-Tang! And from what well did this welcome variance in tone spring? Why from Shogun World of course! My preferred setting for the rest of the series, please and thank you.

Shogun World was teased in season one, as well as a couple episodes ago when Maeve and her crew accidentally stumbled into it, but now we finally get to explored it in full. Shogun World is set during the Edo period (1603 - 1868) in Japan, which was marked by the rule of well...shoguns! Shogun World boasts incredible scenic beauty, as well as awesome samurai-based violence. Simon Quartermain describes it as the World for people who think Westworld is too tame. Lol okay. Of course I also have to point out that Shogun World also has its own MOUNT FUJI. This iconic Japanese geographical feature, and giant ass volcano, only furthers my theory that the location of these parks is a twist/important. I mean, they have a whole mountain!!!! But while no expensive has been spared in the environment, there was clearly some budget saving in the narrative department....

Maeve and her unlikely band are captured by a group of samurai, Maeve's robot voodoo doesn't work on them, nor does their automatic translation feature. Her group is taken into a...vaguely familiar town square, and by the time Paint it Black kicks in, we know what's happening. In a shot for shot sequence we see Sweetwater's vault robbery event (led in that world by Rodrigo Santoro and Armistice) enacted by a new, but not TOO new, cast of characters. Simon admits he may have lifted the character's and story from world to world to save time, as a writer I do not blame him. But besides other-world doubles of Rodrigo and Armistice (Hannibal's Tao Okamoto featuring a dragon tattoo instead of a snake), there is of course also an alternate universe Maeve and Clementine. At the end of the robbery Maeve comes face to face with Akane (Pacific Rim's Rinko Kikuch). Like Maeve, Akane is quick, cunning and fiercely loyal to Sakura, her surrogate daughter. Seeing Maeve, and a bevy of other characters, come face to face with themselves was the kind of boost this show desperately needed. Finally we get to see the  show poking a bit of fun at its own expense, and it could not be more welcome. After hours of unrelenting Very Serious Mystery Time, it was nice to have a scene about Rodrigo having an inherent mistrust of his Other (every TV show ever's Hiroyuki Sanada). This is what we want from you Westworld!

The plot thickens as the local Shogun's messenger comes to buy Sakura from Akane, who bloodily refuses by going off-script and stabbing him in the eye. Our combined super-group makes a plan to return to Sakura's homeland Snow Lake (ps there is a whole-ass lake in this world too, where ARE we) but their plan is foiled by NINJA. ACTUAL NINJA. Imagine I am using the handclap emoji when I say this-is-what-I-am-talking-about. In a fantastic fight sequence that pits our brawlers and gunslingers against NINJA, Maeve's control powers get a major upgrade. Not only is she able to verbally instruct other hosts, apparently she can now even control them with her mind. Perhaps she is able to cognitively access the host network, issuing commands via cyberspace. Or you know, maybe she's a witch. But beside Maeve’s newfound ability to plug directly in the matrix, Sakura is captured anyway.  No sooner have the ninja been defeated by the power of Maeve's brainwaves than who should role up but the Shogun's guard. In an amazing development, that the best samurai movies would be jealous of, it is revealed that ronin Hiroyuki Sanada is the ex-captain of the guard, and at the behest of Akane he rides out to confront the new, shittier, captain. Truly, I could live in this storyline forever. 

[Note: I started writing this at work where I apparently left all my notes. So from here on out I’m flying blind people!]

The Hectors’ and Armisti allow themselves to be taken prisoner by the Shogun’s army allowing Maeve, Akane, and Simon to escape. Maeve is bent on helping Akane rescue Sakura, another mother trying to reunite with her daughter. Once they arrive at the Shogun’s camp however things don’t go quite so smoothly. The Shogun has gone a bit mad and had all of his men’s ears chopped off so Maeve can’t influence them with her witchy words. This seems sort of impractical for a number of reasons, but it’s whats happening. The Shogun says he will release Sakura if Akane also agrees to dance for him, and she reluctantly agrees. In the dressing room Maeve attempts to level-up Akane and free her mind, but Akane rejects the “freedom” Maeve offers her.  She chooses to stay in the reality of her personal Matrix, with Sakura,  rather than waking up and realizing she is really in ugly sweater land (it’s been a long time since I’ve seen the Matrix okay). 

Sakura and Akane prepare to dance for the Shogun, but the Shogun murders Sakura in front of Akane and then demands she proceed with the performance, and proceed she does. In one of the season’s best sequences, Akane lays down a beautiful geisha dance, that turns into a brutal decapitation of the Shogun, all set to cover of Wu-Tang’s C.R.E.A.M. This was one of the rare scenes on Westworld that really exceeded the sum of its parts. The unexpected cover song, the grand aesthetic of the setting and Akane herself, and the emotional stakes of the scene, all came together to create a truly effective and memorable sequence. Westworld often boasts individual cool or compelling elements, but rarely do they all come together to create such an effective and engrossing narrative moment. These past couple episodes have been some of the best of the series in terms of episode construction and payoff, even displaying emotional connection, which the series has struggled with. However despite the sheer badassery displayed by Akane, she and Maeve are captured and set to be beheaded by the Shogun’s soldiers (they yell orders to each other which is weird because I thought they had no ears?). As they are about to be executed, Maeve tells Akane she is a true mother, and Akane thanks her. Akane has put Sakura before all else, her happiness, her freedom, even her life. However before the blades can fall, Maeve uses her new psychic power to turn the soldiers against one another (and she had to use mind power because all their ears were cut off...but then why were they JUST talking- never mind). Bloodshed and violence ensues, and armed with her new power, Maeve turns her eyes to the horizon, the future, and her daughter.

And that’s it! What a great and enjoyable hour (plus) of television. An engaging story with great new characters powered by a stand-out guest cast, new locales and exciting action. I can’t believe this episode was able to avoid the usual drudgery and angst of most of Westworld, what a welcome reprieve, what a tight- oh wait.

That’s right these guys. For all the delightful surprises to be had in Shogun World, Teddy and Dolores’ storyline came to an all-too predictable head. Back in Sweetwater Dolores’ gives Teddy one final “test”, metaphorically asking him how he would protect an infected herd of cattle. His answer is of course reflective of Teddy himself, gentle and caring: protect the sick, hope for the best. The answer Dolores is of course looking for is: burn it down, burn it all down, and if there are casualties so be it. Teddy and Dolores’ finally knock boots, but it’s more of a goodbye before Dolores sets him up for a full reboot (get it, boots, reboot. I work hard on these things). This “twist”, if we can even call it that, has been projected from the beginning as Teddy has consistently failed to adapt to Dolores’ new world order. However we know that Teddy is still going to end up floating in face down in a lake, so maybe this reboot won’t be as effective as Dolores’ hopes. Dolores tells Teddy that ‘to grow, we all need to suffer’, and she clearly sees sacrifice as the way to do that. She has cut away all the ties that made Dolores, well Dolores, and is living largely as the Wyatt personality. In Maeve’s storyline though, she grew by seeing a reflection of herself, and another path she could take. Akane was fully devoted to Sakura, and even though Maeve is dedicated to finding her own daughter, it’s unlikely she would have sacrificed the knowledge and power she currently has to do so (unlike Akane). 

The introduction of the new worlds in Westworld is the best thing the show could have done. The time spent in Shogun World, as both a new setting, and a foil to the world we are familiar with, was a refreshing change. The return to the scenes in Sweetwater felt like a big clunk in an episode that otherwise soared. Like Maeve and Dolores, I as the viewer am also ready to venture out into a larger world, the new world. 

Can you believe we are only halfway through the season?

XO MD

[frankincenseisnotamonster]

The Question

EXPECT IT! 

DEETS: 

Today is the day we ask questions. 

As the 2nd guitar battle approaches I find myself questioning the reason behind the whole thing.  I appreciate that my journey through these guitar battles is a way in which I can pose these questions. I don’t necessarily have an answer and it may or may not be answered in the process. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Can you heal something or change a behavior or experience by revisiting it? While this would not be true I feel for trauma, I think in my case as it was a learning experience there is potential for it

Do you see the change? Will I see a change in myself when face my challenger once again, well that is what I wonder, a big reason why I am doing it. 

Have you truly changed? Is this the way to tell?  I like to think its a symbolic way to make a point. 

Have I improved at direct communication when it's something I'm afraid to say? In some small ways I have, but I still feel I have a long way to go in this area. I was actually talking with a friend recently about this and I even had the audacity to question like do I have an issues with communicating directly? I totally do have issues with communicating directly not for positive things, I can do that all day! Its the tough things, like anything confrontational, competitive, hard to express, negative etc. that I have issue with. I feel this is why my spirit, body and soul are so riddled with angst. You know those times when you think you know yourself, but you have such a good friend that THEY actually know you better than you know yourself, that was definitely one of those times.)

Can I say what I mean 

And look my challenger in the eye?

Can I handle the seasons of my mind as Stevie says ? ^,^

These are my questions.  The whole thing is a walk toward all things I fear, direct communication that could even be considered confrontational, performance in general and with someone I really seemed having trouble talking to in the 1st place, hence all the angst.  My experience 3 years ago woke me up to the patriarchy I was internalizing and in that way I felt I was set free, my eyes open. I still remain vigilant to it’s influences seeping in, and I work to undermine in, in any way or any chance I get.  So I felt it was essential here to go back to some original words, or those rather from my journal in 2016 to really get to the root of what all this is really about. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Side note: I didn’t even realize it but it has been 1 year since starting this blog! That’s crazy and can’t believe I’m still writing here and can’t believe I’m going to do this next guitar battle! (I still have some tricks up my sleeve!) 

“A life with no need for men” “Die in the field you receive no burial! A man is man and will never be allowed to breathe the sweet air of our sacred nunnery, for the sisterhood!” 

This great quote I was always writing and saying over and over. I am sure there were some of you that heard it and probably too often. Its from one of my favorite slice of life anime shows, Princess Jellyfish. Its a fun story about a geeky girl who lives with other geeky girls and they meet someone who dresses as a girl but is actually a man and find a way via fashion and art to protect their beloved home or the nunnery. One reason I love this quote is not so much to actually shut out men because they suffer from the patriarchy too, obvs, its because it has the quintessential no boys allowed feel and I think that is good for everyone boys included, lol. To me sisterhood is scared and people of all genders or non genders benefits from that type of loving bond. I also used the phrase a lot almost as a protection spell against the patriarchy, not the sweet air of our sacred nunnery I tell you! 

“Don’t let the outer influences disturb your inner peace. Support what supports you my imaginists fam, art fam, friend fam, the women in my life, my earth. Its been really good actually experiencing all these big feelings, and like Michelle said , fail big! Go out in flames! (make them wonder why you’re still smiling)

Perhaps goes without saying but my experiences always, and especially in 2016 reminded me when the love in my life was coming from. It was coming from the different communities, families, people, artists, folk that have let me into there lives and I want to honor that through the art, and artistic experiments I make and engage in. Also failing big! Isn’t that what every artist aspires too! 

Please don’t feel new found space with the obsession with old things that do not serve you. Please move newly into that haven we’ve been waiting for you; fall in love with women, fall in love with art, fall in love with your heart here. Follow your bliss, follow your risk, there you will find your treasure.” 

Sometimes in my journal I would write reminders to myself, as if to say, “hey don’t go off the rails just yet!”. In a lot of instances with big transitions or changes its easy to go back to the same ole’ same old, and I really wanted to in these guitar battles to make them rituals of connection, to say, “yeah I couldn’t say what I wanted to say before or yeah I wasn’t the only one struggling with patriarchy am I right, a chance to tell the truth and share something different rather than apathy and a “healthy transition forward if you will”. I wanted it to be more risky, more whimsical, more fun, PLUS I’m pretty sure you have to be doing something right in resisting the patriarchy if any one sees you as an  emotionally unhinged, deranged, hysterical and or batty lady. Its a goal of mine. 

“We’ll see jump and take the risk and see. Except I can’t tell if I am at the height of success for myself or a bottomless pit of failure, they just feel so similar.” 

Pretty much says it all. 

“You are the sword I grind my axe against to sharpen myself and test my metal”

This one I like because I was hoping , and still do hope that I will improve my guitar/ performance skills a great deal by doing this. I wasn’t just in it for the symbolic battle with the patriarchy, come on! I do want to see if I can grow artistically and you know actually best these dudes at guitar. Whats more fun than that. Do it for the craft! This is my experience and experiment, a presentation of art for my own personal growth and of course, as it always will be in dedication to the LADIES!

Hasta llego ! Believe in the goddess that believes in you :)

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

UPDATES 

I’m learning Crazy on You by Heart and now have been practicing more regularly yay! Its nice to see the slow progress you make from continued effort. I just hope it will be enough improvement in the amount of time I have left! 

[unfortunatelysirius]

Rant Time! w/ Katie

I’ll most likely be spending my entire night writing on requests and other stupid shit that I’d like to work on, but for now I’m about to give y'all another rant that’s completely unnecessary but something that helps even out the stress I’m currently experiencing.

I’m going to be seventeen in less than two months and I still haven’t went to get my permit. I have a paranoia of driving and it prevents me from having the motivation to read my state’s driving manual and to actually go and take the test. My mom thinks it’s stupid of me to think like that, but there’s like twenty car crashes a day—probably more. And that scares the hell out of me so I just keep putting it off.

In other news, my first day of senior year is August 10th and I am freaking the FUCK OUT. I signed up to take AP Biology, but now I’m starting to feel a tad nervous and regretful because hardly anyone ever passes that class due to the obnoxiously dimwitted teaching style of the teacher. I heard only one person passed the end-of-the-year exam out of ten last year. ONE—when there’s a solid chance of getting a 3-5 on the damn thing!

My schedule is decked out in college classes. I know I probably shouldn’t disclose my schedule, but I’m meant to be taking AP Biology—as aforementioned—College English, two dual credit classes from a local community college, (one’s a history class and the other one is a literature class) Pre-Calculus, Public Speaking, and Anatomy I. That’s for the first semester—I plan on taking College Algebra and a few more dual credit classes in the next semester, including the other classes that will last year-round.

So this means I have that to worry about AND getting into college AND learning to manage finances AND ALL THIS OTHER SHIT THAT ADULTS HAVE TO DO. Can I please just become the air or something, you know, nOT HUMAN? Maybe a dog, so I can depend on others for the rest of my live.

I plan on going to a college with a work-study program. They don’t allow students to live off-campus or have cars, so that’s a win-win for me! My other choice of college is one that’s really pretentious and expensive but is known for having outstanding education. I’m not shooting for Harvard or Yale because I’m an incredibly average person. Sucks to be unremarkable, I know, but meh.

Anyway, to continue on with my rant, I want to talk about rich people. I have nothing against you all that have been blessed with money from birth—I’m merely upset with the fact that I get no recognition for my accomplishments just because I’m not privileged. Guess what, y'all—they got me excited at the end of last semester by announcing a new round of AP classes, but literally all of them were for the freaking juniors. Two of the kids in that class were teacher’s pets, and since my own mother works down at the school with both of their mothers, it didn’t take a genius to deduce what sort of Inside shenanigans were going on.

Get this—they legit called all of us that signed up for AP Language to go back down and change out our schedules. Like, what the fuck?

I had a dream the other day where I moved schools and fell in love with some dude that was also transferring. Best dream of my life, I’ll tell you that.

Anyway… again… It just feels like to me that school only ever tries to please privileged kids with parents that are doctors, teachers (specifically ones born into privileged families or related to the superintendent), attorneys, and accountants. No one wants to advocate for the middle-man, and that leads to all us poor kids being singled out. Whatever, though, right?

Sometimes I just feel like everything I do amounts to nothing. Is it wrong to feel that way? I look at my writing and think I’m worse than Stephanie Meyer. Apologies to Stephanie Meyer fans, but her writing WAS dedicated to those of young age and without a moral compass for controlling temperament found within men.

*clears throat* Ahem. Anyways…

I plan on going into a dual major of political science and history—or English, if worse comes to worse. I really don’t want to become rich because then I’ll be targeted and judged for the same things I loathe right now. However, my ambitions correlate with a need to prove my worth and do something great with my life, so whether or not I become what I hate, it doesn’t matter if I’ve managed to become a model for my relatives and former friends.

The best revenge is to succeed and be humble about it. I might be arrogant about my schoolwork, but that’s only towards friends and relatives when they believe that I don’t deserve to be successful in what I do. Then and there, I become arrogant. Even if I do not necessarily believe my own comments, I still say them to make others lay off me.

Returning to the thought at-hand, my college of choice is very liberal and hipster-esque, which suits my personal interests. Also, it's known for its study-abroad program, free internships, and its education, which are three things that matter dearly for me. I hope to get an internship at either the NAACP or the White House. Maybe even just a visit to see Mount Rushmore.

Teddy Roosevelt is my favorite president, and I know more things about him than I do my own father. Thank you, Borglum, for having Teddy recognized as one of the greatest presidents to have ever lived!

Seriously, though. He even left the legacy of having the highest percentage of voters when he ran as a third-party candidate just to spite Taft. Like, wow.

… I’m getting off track here.

Having anxiety fucking sucks. See, last year I had to a lot of these “roundtable discussions” in my AP U.S. History class, and I managed to make it through on all of them except for a few towards the end of the second semester. I even had one on my fucking birthday, which sucked majorly. They were a lot more difficult to manage than debates. I could handle debates; they didn’t involve having to force myself to speak up or face the consequences of a zero.

I loved APUSH—I really did—but now I feel like I’m an excuse for a history lover because I got a 4 on the APUSH exam. Not a 5—a 4. I have failed you, Teddy. (RIP, Bull Moose. Not even a bullet could have stopped you, but a failed test grade sure as hell stopped me lol.)

Anyways, if you haven’t noticed, I’m American. I’m also white—and according to this random ancestry website I found, I originate from Sweden and Italy. I guess that’s cool… but I don’t trust the internet so uh…

Back to stress! …That’s a good way to refer to going back to school. Just replace “hellhole” with “stress.” Basic synonyms, everyone!

I have bad friends. All of them are assholes and think I’m a bitch because I’m “skin and bones” and like to “flaunt it” just because I wear decently nice clothes. I know they’d be offended if I told them it’s because I feel uncomfortable not wearing something that makes me feel happy with myself. It’s not me thinking I look good—it’s a confidence-boost. Am I meant to be looking for a damned boyfriend just by wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a blouse? Is that how life works?

I remember in eighth grade I had this friend who told me I looked like a prep, and then she made me feel so bad about “trying to fit in” that I started wearing jeans and hoodies to school. It hurts to think about how much impact people’s words have over you—and half of time, it’s never a positive influence. For me, it’s never been positive.

Well, I’m sorry for burdening you all with this rant. I know it’s rather… long, but I just needed to get it off my chest. Keeps hurting when I see everyone else finishing up projects while I’m still sketching out the blueprints. I’ll get back to posting things tonight and tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t post anything today. It’s rather pitiful of me to put off things when I know you all are the only reason I can even stay motivated anymore.

Have a nice night, (or morning, depending on where you are) my darlings. 💕

[renaroo]

Wednesday Roundup 5.7.2017

So I think in the year-ish that I’ve been doing the Roundups, this is an actual literal first for me. This is the first time I have one “entry” from all my major publishers at the same time and not more. I mean one’s cheating since Monstress is a collected trade, but yeah, I have one from Dark Horse, DC, IDW, Image, and Marvel. 

I could not have planned this if I tried.

In any case, fascinating coincidences aside, how did this week end up stacking up? How good were any of the issues? Lllllets find out!

Marvel’s All-New Wolverine, Image’s Monstress, DC’s Superman, IDW’s Transformers: Till All Are One, Dark Horse’s Zodiac Starforce: Cries of the Fire Prince

Marvel’s All-New Wolverine (2015-present) #22 Tom Taylor, Leonard Kirk, Cory Hamscher, Erick Arciniega, Michael Garland

I’m not sure how many more times I can compliment this comic without it sounding repetitive but where we are, All-New Wolverine actually is making me, by force, enjoy a deep space story featuring the multitudes of Marvel alien species that I struggle to care about normally but really do here and now because GAAAAABBBY.

The relationship between Gabby and all the people around her is really one of the main driving forces. There’s of course the joy that’s her and Laura interacting and Laura growing into the mentor she never would have thought herself capable of (true daughter of Logan if there’s ever been), but this issue is wise in expanding on that during the first half of the story.

Gabby and Wade basically lampoon it from the start with Wade repeatedly expressing to Laura how special and unique Gabby is, and then Gabby working her magic on Laura, forcing her to grow up and move out of Logan’s old apartment into her very own (so on the nose and yet I love it oh so much). And of course there is the hilarity of bringing Jonathan into space. 

All so that the cliffhanger at the end would leave you as emotionally destroyed as I feel at the moment!

Tom Taylor’s great, and I love how dedicated this comic seemingly is to staying out of Secret Empire and even more so to how dedicated it seemingly is to progress its own greater narrative -- namely with our mysterious hooded watcher who sees the departure of the Wolverines and cryptically moves their plans to Daken. To which I say nooooooooo our siblings were finally getting alonooonnnngggg

Great issue, on the edge of my seat for what’s to come! 

Image’s Monstress (2015-present) Volume Two: The Blood Marjorie Liu, Sana Takeda

So like Descender and a few of the other Indie titles I’ve picked up in the last year, I had Liu and Takeda’s Monstress come to my radar thanks to suggestions from people on tumblr! And what can I say? Those of you who recommend stuff to me really know my tastes it seems like!

This is a beautiful fantasy story with a very dark and unseemly look at the idea of fate and inheritance by blood. There is a weight to everything and the gorgeous style of the world hides the secret of the inner ugliness behind each and every corner. 

To put things even more simply, this book is fascinatingly dark and is not the gentle Chosen One narrative that fantasy so often falls into at least in Western tropes. You can feel the influence of mythologies beyond Western, and really other than inverting the idea of a By Blood Chosen One you could argue that Western fantasy ideas do not really play much of a role within the narrative at all.

I think that’s what’s so fascinating to me. There’s a dense story with a lot to unpack, so those surface elements come off all the stronger and fascinate me into wanting to see even more of them. 

Again just a very good read overall. Much approved. 

DC’s Superman (2016-present) #26 Michael Moreci, Mike Godelwski, HI-FI

This is a very pleasant, very nice one-off read. 

I’m not sure how much impact this issue will have on the greater story being told about our titular Kent family, but it was refreshing to have a look at especially Jon’s character from a different writer. As much as I have enjoyed Jurgens, Tomasi, and Gleason, Jon being naïve and near perfect has been a criticism I’ve thought deserved its dues for sure. And it’s interesting to see him feeling more his age in this issue and being a bit more stubborn and in the wrong and just flawed in the ways that kids are.

I loved that the lesson here was two-fold -- a lesson about Clark learning how to allow children to make their own mistakes and be there to comfort them when they fall, and about Jon learning to, in Clark’s terms, “flex muscles above the neck.”

The art was quite good and while Lois didn’t receive a lot of time here, she was Clark’s rock. I’m hoping that we will get more of the feisty and tenacious Lois who needs Clark holding her back from time to time sooner or later. 

It’s a decent issue, and I’m glad Moreci is proving that people outside the usual team can tackle this new-old take on classic Superman and on the all-new Jon Kent. 

IDW’s Transformers: Till All Are One (2016-present) #11 Mairghread Scott, Sara Pitre-Durocher, Joana Lafuente

I knew we weren’t close to seeing the end of Windblade! And not at all because I cheat and looked at next month’s cover back when the solicits for it came out like forever ago. 

Rather than jumping around POVs which TAAO has made a habit of doing (well might I add!) with its ensemble cast, the continued narrowing of focus down to Starscream, with a short interlude showing Windblade’s internal mental battle, really worked for this issue. It’s so fascinating to get all the facets of Starscream’s perspective that we do here, and especially how the scars of being a Decepticon and being abused by Megatron still affect him greatly.

As the one Cybertronian who seemed the easiest adjusted to the new world of post-world Cybertron, it’s both expected and yet very shocking to see that it was a ruse. He has been as badly effected as nearly all the other Autobots and Decepticons have been by what they’ve lived through.

And I’m usually exhausted of the hallucinations about Bumblebee which I know are going to eventually be revealed to not be that much of a hallucination but it worked to great effect here. Mostly because Bumblebee left lol With that ominous ending silhouette and the subtle parallel between Starscream’s years long hallucinations of Bumblebee with the struggle Windblade is undergoing with two minds at once. 

Reminds me of certain elements of Transformers Prime and Scott is a fan of bringing in elements of the Aligned universe into the IDW fold...

I really loved this issue, and especially loved the art. It breaks my heart knowing this series is coming to an end.

Dark Horse’s Zodiac Starforce: Cries of the Fire Prince (2017-present) #1 Kevin Panetta, Paulina Gancheau, Sarah Stern

Ever since I read the original Zodiac Starforce comic, I was really hoping we would be getting more of a follow up because my love of this genre and my love of how clever this comic was and how good it was with building this complicated world was too much for the tasty treat we got out of the original. And I couldn’t have been happier to hear we were getting just that!

We’re picking up a few months since the ending of the first volume and it’s really interesting to see how much our girls have grown in their various roles since then. I’m also getting the sense that this new storyline is going to be taking the opportunity to focus on the characters who didn’t get so much attention the last go around, like Kim and Molly and Lily. 

Kim’s home life really strikes close to home for a lot of people, I’ve got to say. I’ve seen these situations play out, and I have to really applaud this comic for showing how important and defining it is for a supportive boyfriend/husband/etc. for a young woman in such a bad situation can be. It both helps women in the situation to feel as though they can seek support, and tells young men in the world that they can and should be the type of partner who is this supportive.

It’s interesting to see how the events of last time have played into everyone’s relationships months later, and it’s for better and for worse, especially for the scorned girls and boys who got a taste of the dark powers of Cimmeria. I’m so interested to see where all of this goes!

So this is going to seem incredibly strange but I would almost be willing to call each and every single issue that came out today a tie because I just genuinely enjoyed reading each and every one of them that much. It was such an amazing and unexpected variety this week for me and it just hit all the feelings I needed them to fit. But, as always, twist my arm and I can offer a real answer. 

And that answer is Transformers: Till All Are One. It has so quickly become my favorite Transformers title from the entire IDW line and I just was enraptured in each panel. It’s a definite win from me, even in a week as fantastic and tightly held as this one.

So how was everyone else’s Wednesday pull? Agree with me? Disagree? Think I should be picking up something I’ve missed? Please feel free to let me know!

[nyangibun]

Zutara: Day 3 - A New Year

A/N: This is set three years prior to Part I (the timeline might be confusing so feel free to message me if you’re confused lol). You don’t need to read the earlier one shot but it might help if you do. [Ao3 Link]

Two years have passed since the war’s end. In that time, Katara has found life to be far from quiet and peaceful, but there are significantly less threats on the lives of her and her loved ones so she can hardly complain too much. It is still not an easy life. Just because the war has ended does not mean peace came swiftly and easily to the four nations. Hate still lingers in the air like the morning mist; encompassing, unyielding and blinding. Katara doesn’t blame the residual distrust the three nations still hold for the Fire Nation, or the animosity, or even the yearning for vengeance. But Katara has tasted vengeance, had wanted to enact it in the worst way possible, and she knows it isn’t the way. For the world to move forward, they all have to let go of the past. No matter how difficult it is, it is the only way all four nations will ever live in peace.

It is the only way Katara will ever live in peace.

Her past is less tragic than the world’s but it is no less painful for her to think upon. Then matters of the heart never are. She doesn’t know how she let it happen anyways, how everything that had once seemed so simple could be so upturned in a way that made her body wrench in anguish, but Katara had made her choice. She could not in good conscience allow herself to be swept away in a romance with Aang simply because he is the Avatar and deserves all the good this world can offer him. She owes him her loyalty, her life, her friendship, but she does not owe him her heart.

Mirthlessly, Katara thinks it isn’t even hers to give away anymore.

Declining Aang’s invitation to travel the world, Katara had returned to the South Pole. As much as she was sure the world needed her so too did her people, and it had been too long since she’s been home. Katara owed it to herself to return and rebuild her tribe back one piece at a time. That was two years ago. Now, between Chief Hakoda’s leadership, Katara’s bending and Sokka’s ingenuity, the Southern Water Tribe has been flourishing more and more with each passing day. The renegotiated trade routes with the other three nations have helped tremendously in bringing wealth and prosperity to her people, and Katara owes a great deal of thanks to the one person she refuses to see.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Avoidance can only last so long. Where the others have visited the Fire Nation multiple times since his coronation two years ago, Katara has made excuses after excuses, citing a burst piping system here or a village epidemic there, anything to keep away from Zuko. It hurts her to have to do it. As much as it has always pained her to be away from him for too long – a pain in which she had once attributed to her hatred of him – she can’t see him. Selfishly, Katara just can’t bear to visit him and see for herself how happy he is with Mai. The few times she did over the years have been enough to rip a new seam from her weakly sewn together heart. It’s pathetic, she knows, and as a master waterbender and his friend, Katara should just move on. She should just get over whatever it is she’s feeling and find a way to be around him again, but she’s established years ago that she’s too selfish to do that. Not when he still owns every single aching part of her, and certainly not when the mere sight of him has her element surging forward unbidden.

It is a surprise actually that the others haven’t caught onto her feelings, but she supposes her frequent appearances at diplomatic talks with the Fire Nation and consequently Zuko have been enough to quell their suspicions. It is a universally acknowledged that Katara is dedicated to her job in the Southern Water Tribe, so they don’t really question her when she says she has too much to do for more than those visits. And from the snippets of conversations she overhears from Sokka and her friends, Zuko seems to be the same way. She doesn’t let herself hear too much though. Even just the mention of him is too tantalising for Katara.

Except Katara hasn’t seen him in over a year. Somehow in the chaos of a rebellion faction discovered on the coast of the Fire Nation, Zuko has had very little time for his friends. Only Aang and Toph have been to see him, and that’s only because they’ve been helping him with the rebels. Katara is desperate to go herself. She knows the past two years haven’t been easy on Zuko. Those diplomatic talks she attends are enough to confirm her suspicions, and she is trying her hardest on her end to help the other nations see reason. The Southern Water Tribe at least has found some kind of truce with the Fire Nation. It is not necessarily trust but it’s an alliance. It’s the other two nations that are giving Zuko the hardest time, and if she isn’t a well-respected representative from her tribe, she would freeze those greasy diplomats in their seats every time they talk back to Zuko before he even has a chance to speak.

But she has her own ways of helping. Katara might not seem like his friend anymore on the outside but she hasn’t given up on him. It’s the only reason she continues to invite foreign dignitaries to the Southern Water Tribe and shmooze them with the finest arctic wine and seal meat. When they’re good and placated, Katara begins her own version of diplomatic talks, pushing them to see reason with whatever deal or treaty they’re currently negotiating with the Fire Nation. It’s her way of helping when she can’t physically be there for him.

Of course, everything is temporary, and as the Capital Harbour looms closer, Katara can’t help wondering if Zuko will even be happy to see her. He doesn’t know what she’s been doing for him – not that she has any intention of telling him anyways – so surely he must think of her as a lousy friend, if even that anymore.

The gates open as soon as the Southern Water Tribe vessel nears. Although the war has ended, the two ballista towers that sit on either side are terrifying up close. Each tower is heavily armed with enough firepower to take down several of their cutter sailing ships simultaneously. It’s unfounded to be so nervous but two years is not enough time even for Katara to feel totally at ease in the Fire Nation. By the grim looks on the men around her, she’s not the only one.

“Why does it feel like we’re all bracing ourselves for war?”

Katara doesn’t turn towards her brother’s voice; she just smiles. “Because in a way, we are.”

“You’re probably right.” Sokka snorts, and then swings his arm around Katara’s shoulder. “But hey, we’ll all be there together this time. If any of those old cranky men decide to start another argument tonight, we’ve got each other’s backs. Right?”

The tagged on question at the end winds Katara’s nerves in tighter. Her brother’s a fool at the best of times but the doubt so obvious in his voice makes her want to toss him over the side of the ship. How could he even think she’d abandon them?

“Of course, Sokka.”

Satisfied, her brother leaves her to attend to something one of the men had whispered in his ear. She’s too busy staring at the harbour to pay much attention now. She knows he’s there. It’s almost as if she can feel him standing at the docks waiting for them to arrive, and she wants to flee back home because of it. Katara has faced Azula; why can’t she face the crazy firebender’s much less crazy, much more handsome, much more compassionate and heroic brother?

Because you love him. Because you’ve been in love with him for over two years.

Katara grips the edge of the ship and growls at nothing. There’s no one to focus her ire on but herself. This is her doing after all. Maybe if she had fessed up to her feelings all those years ago, she’d be… What, Katara? Be what? His girlfriend? You really think he’d choose you over Mai? Another low growl emits from her lips and she whips around to find something to do, anything to keep her mind distracted.

When they arrive at the harbour, he is there. He hugs Sokka and bows cordially at Katara. The obvious hesitance and subsequent awkwardness is so thick in the air, she wants to cry and fling her arms around him, telling him everything that’s been happening for the past two years. But Katara is an adult now. At eighteen, she can’t act on her emotions anymore. She has a reputation to uphold and a tribe to make proud. It doesn’t stop her from looking though. Zuko is a twenty-year-old man now, whose appeal has only grown with age, whose body has only broadened with dedicated training and exercise. How she has dreamt of running her hands across those shoulders, down his back to his hips where –

“Katara!”

“Huh?” She looks up to find Sokka staring curiously at her. “What?”

“We were wondering if you wanted to go explore the city with us before the New Year’s Eve party. Aang and Toph are already waiting at the palace.”

Zuko is in the palanquin ahead of them, and she wonders if he’s going too. As if Sokka can read her mind, he answers her unvoiced question.

“Zuko has to wait for other honoured guests to arrive so he won’t be joining us.”

Katara nods and returns her attention back to the passing city. “I think I’m just going to wash up and maybe have a nap. I’m a little worn out from the journey.”

Sokka shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

In the end, Katara sleeps through most of the day. By the time she wakes, Yue is already at her peak in the sky. She can feel the warmth and energy emanating from the moon, and she draws from its bottomless power to give her courage. It’s only one party. That’s all she has to get through tonight. Everyone will be there so it’s not like she has to spend any real time alone with Zuko. Maybe she won’t even have to see him with his girlfriend. It’s a hopeless wish but she clings to it as she dresses herself in a blue one-sleeved top and a matching floor-length skirt. It is similar to the Fire Nation disguise she had worn so many years ago, and she had sewn it on purpose in this fashion. It’s to honour him, even in some small way.

“Nice nap, Sugar Queen?” Toph asks, greeting her with a playful, yet still painful, punch to the shoulder, as soon as she exists her suite.

Katara winces. “Yeah. I must have been more tired than I thought.”

“Tired,” Toph repeats with an amused snort. “Sure. That’s what it is.”

“That is what it is,” Katara says defensively, not sure why her friend sounds so disbelieving.

As the two walk to the main hall where the party is being held, Katara notices the master earthbender has been wrangled into a dress herself. Before she can comment on it, Toph speaks again. “Are you sure you’re not just avoiding a certain Fire Lord Hotpants?”

Katara jerks to a stop, a blush radiating from her neck to her cheeks. “What?”

“Relax, no one else knows,” Toph shrugs, and continues walking. “But it’s been years, Sugar Queen. Ain’t it about time you either get over it or kiss the topknot off of him?”

They’ve now reached the party and Katara quickly grabs hold of Toph’s wrist. “Please,” she whispers urgently and desperately. “Don’t tell anyone. I can’t… He has someone else and I just can’t do that to him. Please, Toph, promise me.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise,” her friend sighs. “But you should know that –”

“Katara!” A whoosh of air nearly knocks both the waterbender and earthbender over as Aang comes riding on an air scooter towards them. “Boy, you should’ve come with us into the city! There was this fire juggler and he was throwing these balls of fire; it was so cool! He even taught me how to do it. Wanna see?”

“Uh, maybe later, Aang.” Katara smiles kindly at her friend before pulling him into a hug. Thankfully her rejection has not totally ruined their friendship. A bit of distance went a long way for them, and after a year or so, Aang finally moved on from her. It is a relief to say the least.

A couple of drinks and several long chats with foreign diplomats and Fire Nation nobles later, Katara is beginning to think she’s not the only one trying to avoid the other. She has barely seen Zuko all evening, and every time she feels him nearby, she turns and he’s gone. She’s even seen Mai more times than her boyfriend, and frankly, it hurts. Katara knows it shouldn’t because she’s doing the same to him, but it still hurts. It’s always hurt her to be away from him but the pain seems to feel even more poignant now she knows he’s actually within reach. Somehow in the South Pole, Katara can convince herself it doesn’t hurt that much, but here in the Fire Nation, everywhere she turns she sees him. He’s in the typical golden eyes of his people, in the crimson and gold decorations of the hall, in the mischevious smile of his Uncle Iroh. All of it reminds her so aggravatingly of Zuko that by the time everyone’s gathered to count down the minutes to the new year, Katara has to leave. She can’t breathe anymore in this place, and to ring in the new year while her heart is breaking in her chest is not something even Katara can brave through.

Swiftly moving through the throng of people, Katara finds herself backing along the shadows at the edge of the hall until she feels a door behind her fingers. While her eyes remain fixed on the crowd, she turns the doorknob and push through, slipping out into the cool evening air.

“Katara?”

She jumps, startled nearly out of her skin by the sound of his voice. She doesn’t want to turn but she forces herself to, knowing it’s too late to retreat back into the party. He’s standing there, leaning against the railing, golden eyes watching her. “Hi,” she offers weakly. “What are you doing out here?”

His eyes narrow and he exhales heavily. “I hate parties.”

This makes her laugh despite everything. Katara slowly walks up to him and stands a good foot away at the railing, turning her face up towards the moon. “Me too.”

For awhile, neither say anything, but she knows the question is coming, and though she has braced herself for it, she still falters when he asks her.

“Do you hate me?”

Katara sighs and absentmindedly plays with the beads in her hair. “No, Zuko, I don’t hate you.”

“Then why have you been avoiding me? Everyone else has come to see me over the years but you… I never get to see you, Katara.”

“I…” She doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t think she has any right to say it. “I don’t think you’ll like my answer.”

Zuko turns fully to face her now, drawing her own eyes away from Yue to look into his. His face is grave, serious and determined. “Try me.”

This is not the way she wanted to ring in the new year either but she doesn’t have a choice anymore. This has gone on for far too long, and Zuko deserves an explanation. “Do you remember the night after Yon Rah?”

Zuko’s brows furrow in confusion. “Yeah. What does this have to do with –”

“You sat with me, just in silence,” Katara says, cutting him off. “You never judged me. You never asked how I was. You just sat there and let me come to grips with everything in my own time. I think that’s when it happened.”

“When what happened?” Zuko asks. He’s now closer than he was a second ago, and his proximity has only intensified her speeding heart.

Katara squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn’t want to look into his eyes when she says this. She doesn’t want to see his reaction. “When I fell in love with you.” When she hears nothing, no sign he even heard her, the words come tumbling out before she can stop herself. “At first I didn’t know. I’ve never been in love before so I didn’t know what I was feeling, and at the time, I thought I loved Aang. It was just so confusing – all these feelings so at odds with each other. But then you threw yourself in front of Azula’s lightning for me and in those brief minutes after when I thought you died, I realised I didn’t want to live in a world where you didn’t exist. It was the most horrid feeling and I hated your sister for what she did! I wanted to kill her. I wanted to hurt her more than I wanted to hurt Yon Rah and that terrified me.”

Tears slip from her eyes but she keeps them shut, still too scared to look at him.

“I planned to tell you after your coronation but I had to speak to Aang first and by the time that was over, you were back together with Mai. You seemed so happy and I didn’t want to… I couldn’t make your life more difficult, so I went home and threw myself into the work there.”

A gentle finger wipes at her cheeks and Katara’s eyes flutter open. He’s watching her again with that confused furrow between his brows. “But you never came to see me…”

“I couldn’t bear to be around you and Mai. It hurt too much,” she admits with her head bowed low in shame. “It’s selfish, I know, and I’m so sorry, Zuko. I’m sorry I’ve ruined everything. I know you probably hate me now and –”

“Katara, look at me,” he rasps out, but when she doesn’t, his finger drops from her cheek to her chin, tilting her head so she has to look up at him. “How can I hate you when you’re the reason behind some of the Fire Nation’s most successful negotiations?”

“How do you know about that!”

Zuko laughs and steps even closer towards her. “After the fifth diplomat came to me with a change of heart, I had to ask. Apparently they’ve all been bullied by a waterbender in the Southern Water Tribe to, and I quote, stop acting like a bunch of polar bear pups and actually do something good for once.”

Katara blushes. “I just… I don’t like that they try to take advantage of you because you’re young, or because your country has committed wrongs in the past.”

Zuko opens his mouth to say something else but the sound of cheering in the background has him glancing towards the city just as a plume of red and gold and orange erupt across the inky sky. Katara too becomes enraptured by the sight – so much so that she forgets for a moment that she has just confessed to the Fire Lord that she’s in love with him. And for a while, the two old friends stand side by side to take in the sight of another year of (hard-earned) peace.

“You’re an idiot, you know that, waterbender?”

“Excuse me!” Katara’s eyes snap back to his, glowering. She may be in love with the man but she doesn’t take to being insulted very well, even if she is an idiot.

“But then I’m an idiot too,” Zuko says with a laugh. Before she can ask him what he’s talking about, his hands are cupping either side of her face and his lips meet hers in a way that has her stumbling into his chest, fingers fisting into his tunic. But then Zuko is pulling back all too quickly and she has to stifle a whimper of protest at the sudden lack of contact.

“Happy new year, Katara.”

She’s about to murmur a similar, dazed, sentiment back when something occurs to her. “But wait, Mai! Zuko, I–” Maybe she really is an idiot for bringing up his girlfriend at a time like this but Katara is not a cheater. She won’t be the other woman, no matter how much she wants his lips back on hers.

“We broke up nearly a year ago now,” Zuko interrupts.

“You did? How come no one told me?”

“Maybe you would’ve known that if you actually came to see me.”

He has a point, which is probably why she chuckles and grips his tunic even tighter, tugging him back down for another toe-curling kiss. His hands then gravitate to the back of her head. One is placed just by the nape of her neck while the other is trailing heat down her back.

He pulls away and buries his nose against the crook of her neck, his breaths coming fast and hot on her bare skin. “And it was the Western Air Temple for me,” Zuko whispers, leaning up to drop kisses along the sensitive skin below her ear.

She doesn’t know how she manages it considering how her whole body is thrumming as if Azula’s lightning has seared through her skin, but she asks in a voice still laced with desire and euphoria. “What are you talking about?”

“When I fell in love with you. That’s when I realised it.”