#and it’s worse that he was specifically betrayed that she had a whole YEAR to tell him without getting immediately murdered by gul dukat

[exasperatedoctopus]

Kira: Can you ever trust me in the same way again?

Odo: Dead Silence until the episode fades to black

Me:

[missmatchablossom]

summary: you finally got hired to work as a teacher for your dream school, jujutsu high. everything was perfect until you ran into gojo satoru, your first love and heartbreak.

a/n: angst + fluff, female reader. this is the first time I've written a story more on the angsty side, so please let me know if you like it : ) I was feeling angsty after listening to eternal sunshine and bam this story suddenly came to me

tags: @kenqki @sad-darksoul

~

When you caught a glance at that familiar shade of blue, you froze. That specific hue was a color you avoided at all costs, the color of heartbreak and dreams you never followed.

He looked at you, and suddenly you were 18 again. It was simultaneously the best and worse year of your life; the year you fell in love with Satoru, and the year he left you. 

Your heartbeat felt sickening in your own chest as he walked towards you, his eyes widened and jaw slacked as if he were in a trance. Like he hadn’t expected to see you again.

It’s not like you thought you’d see him again either. You had told yourself that even if you did, it wouldn’t hurt, because you’d moved on. It had been years since you gave up on him, so you should be feeling nothing as your first love came to a halt in front of you, gazing at you as if you were the only thing that mattered to him.

It didn’t feel like nothing, though. It felt a whole like despair, relief, and joy warring with each other, causing your fingertips to tremble as if your body couldn’t decide which emotion to settle on.

“Long time no see, Gojo,” you said, attempting to offer a warm smile. Though the tremulous note to your voice must have betrayed how you were truly feeling.

He frowned ever so slightly when you said his name, like he wasn’t used to you calling him by his last name. It was formal and cold - when things between you two used to be anything but. 

“You’re here,” he said, though it sounded like he was saying it to himself rather than talking to you. 

“Ah, Gojo. I see you’ve met our newest hire. She’ll be working with your students for the summer, I imagine you two will be working together closely,” the principal said. But Gojo wasn’t looking at him. You still felt the heavy weight of his gaze, like he was scared you’d disappear if he looked away.

“Why don’t you two grab lunch together? Gojo can catch you up on his students,” the principal said. So why did your body go rigid at his harmless suggestion?

“Sorry, I have to make a phone call during lunch! Gojo, feel free to email me any details I need to know,” you said quickly, smiling before you darted towards the courtyard.

You cursed yourself for running away, like a coward. What was there to be afraid of? He was someone you loved years ago, and time washed away any lingering feelings you had for him…right? 

At least that’s what you’d always told yourself. But maybe deep down, you feared some of those feelings would never go away. And that they’d definitely resurface if you let yourself be near him, if you let yourself remember how much he used to mean to you. How badly he hurt you.

You shook your head, hoping the crisp morning air would wash some sense into you. This position was your dream job, and you weren’t gonna let your past demons take that away from you. You could be civil, you could work with him like the mature adult you were. It would be okay.

~

“I wonder if our new teach would tell me where she gets her lipgloss?” Nobara asked aloud, walking in step with Yuji and Megumi as they filed out of the classroom.

“She’s really pretty,” Yuji said, smiling cheesily. It was a buzz amongst all the students actually, how beautiful the newest teacher was. The students warmed up to her quickly, captivated by her knowledge and how easy she was to talk to. 

“Gojo always looks like he’s in a trance whenever he sees her,” Megumi said, making his two companions snap their attention to him.

“Do you think they’re dating?!” Nobara nearly yelled, her eyes widening comically.

“Maybe not. They both look kinda sad when they look at each other and they think the other person isn’t looking,” Megumi noted, looking deep in thought.

“Woah, you’re so observant. Maybe they’re exes, I heard they knew each other when they were younger,” Yuji said.

“Eh? No way sensei could pull someone like her,” Nobara said.

~

Two weeks have passed since you began teaching, and you loved it. Plus, you’d managed to have as minimal contact with Gojo as possible. Things would be fine after all.

You stepped into the teacher’s lounge, eager to grab your bag and head back home now that the day was over. But your bag wasn’t on the hook where you usually hung it up. When you turned around however, Gojo was leaning against the doorframe, taking up nearly the entire frame.

“Can I help you with something, Gojo?” you asked politely, willing your heart to settle down at his proximity.

“Can we talk?” he asked, and there it was again. The inexplicable feeling that swarmed your senses whenever you heard the sound of his voice, no matter what he was saying. Your traitorous body responded to it no matter how much you told it not to.

“Um, tomorrow might be better during our free period! I’m actually looking for my…” you began, stopping your sentence as Gojo used two fingers to effortlessly lift your heavy bag.

“I’ll give this back to you when you agree to have dinner with me. Tonight,” he said, flashing a boyish smile at you that was oh so painfully familiar. 

“You can’t be serious,” you said, crossing your arms as Gojo took another step towards you. He was so close, and much taller than you remembered. He seemed to take up the entirety of the room you were in, making it harder to breathe and think clearly.

“I thought you knew me better than that, tea. I absolutely am,” he drawled, and the butterflies in your stomach swarmed at the mention of his old nickname for you. Hearing it used to fill you with love and light, because he began calling you the endearment after learning how much you adored tea. He’d often show up at your door with your favorite drinks, happily indulging in your obsession. 

You blinked the memory away, refocusing your gaze back to the man in front of you. 

“This isn’t funny,” you said, reaching towards your bag. He lifted it up and out of your reach easily.

“What isn’t funny is how you’ve been avoiding me since you got here. Why can you barely look me in the eye?” he said, the slight hurt in his voice hitting your heart. Your eyes darted around the room in a panic before you answered.

“Can you really blame me? We don’t have the best history,” you said, your voice coming off harsher than you intended. 

“That’s what I want to clear up. Just hear me out this once, please,” he said, his tone softening as he spoke. You hated it, how quickly you could feel yourself giving into him. After a beat of silence, you spoke.

“Just this once,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper. 

There it was. That familiar, triumphant upturn of his lips. 

~

You second guessed your choice as you walked towards Gojo’s car - a sleek, navy luxury car you remember he’d gotten for his 18th birthday. But there was no way he didn’t have other cars by now, so you couldn’t help but wonder if he picked this car today on purpose.

He swiftly opened the door to the passenger seat, allowing you to slip in before he slid into the drivers seat.

There was something undeniably intimate about being alone in the car with him. Being in such close quarters meant you could smell the cologne clinging to his skin, the minty remnants of the mints he always carried with him. You felt bespelled watching his long fingers wrap around the wheel, blushing as he wrapped his arm around your headrest and leaned towards you to look behind him as he backed out of the spot. 

A memory flooded towards you. Of a freshly 18-year old Gojo excitedly picking you up in his shiny new car, nearly getting you into a car crash as he carelessly spun the wheel in his excitement. You’d given him a firm talking to about him being careful, and he smiled at you sheepishly before he walked you to get ice cream. 

The sound of buttons clicking pulled you from your reverie. You watched wordlessly as Gojo set the seat warmer to the lowest setting and turned the ac up to 71, the exact settings you used to switch them to whenever you were his passenger princess.

“Is that still how you like it?” he asked, casting you a quick sideways glance before returning his eyes to the road. You wondered if you imagined the hopeful note to his voice.

“Yes,” you answered quietly. 

Oh , I definitely still like it, you thought, eyes roaming across Gojo’s figure as he drove. His seat was leaned back to make room for his long legs, and he kept one hand on the wheel as he drove with the elegant ease he must’ve developed in your time apart. It was stupid, how attracted you still were to him.

You didn’t miss the way Gojo glanced at you ogling him, the corner of his lip tipping up like it so pleased him.

~

You followed Gojo into a gorgeous restaurant that you were undoubtedly underdressed for. A smartly dressed man greeted the two of you immediately, leading you to a table right in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. It offered you a gorgeous view of the skyline, the soft glow of the sunset making the silverware sparkle. 

You couldn’t help but look around in confusion at the quietness of the restaurant - save for the nice host, you were the only ones there.

“I booked out the place for the night. So we could catch up in peace,” Gojo said easily, as if that were something normal to do. You couldn’t say you were too surprised though, as he had the same penchant for spending and the fortune to back it since he was younger.

“Of course you did,” you said, shaking your head as you smiled to yourself.

Gojo leaned forward in his seat, studying you like you just performed magic.

“I’ve missed that smile of yours,” he said softly. It wasn’t fair, the way the last bits of sunshine of the day lit up the gold  flecks in his eyes. The way his hair nearly shone silver, making him look otherworldly as he told you he missed you. 

“I don’t know what to say to you, Gojo,” you said, forcing neutrality into your tone. But as soon as you spoke the words, you could hear how sad they sounded.

“Do you hate me?” he asked, sounding like his younger self once more. 

You met his eyes, releasing a deep breath as you did your best to offer a smile.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” you admitted, watching the way his shoulders eased ever so slightly.

“But you hurt me,” you said, voice barely above a whisper.

“I was ready to stick out long distance when you moved away. You stopped answering my calls, responding to my letters. I tried reaching you for months before I gave up, Gojo. There was no goodbye, no explanation. What was I supposed to think? How do you expect me to greet you with a smile now as if nothing happened?” you said, your voice cracking towards the end. 

“I know we were 18 and stupid, but I…” 

I loved you. You were everything to me. And no matter how much time had past, how much you dated around, no one ever compared to you.

You shook your head, unable to get the words out.

It would forever be fresh in your mind, the day you found out Gojo was being shipped off to a different country by his stupid family to train. 

The devastation was overwhelming. You curled up in your room, crying into your pillow as Gojo sat silently on the edge of your bed.

“Do you really have to go?” you sniffed, though it didn’t sound like that, with your throat clogged with tears.

Gojo laid beside you, pulling your back to his chest as he held you and buried his face in your hair.

“I don’t have a choice, tea. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking off at the end. You turned around, wrapping your arms around him as he held you brusingly tight. You rubbed his back as you felt his tears hit your shoulder.

After the cry you both needed, you faced each other silently, as if you were committing each other to memory.

“I won’t give up on us. I’ll call you everyday to bug the hell out of you,” he said, giving you the first lopsided smile of the night.

“For how long, though?” you said sadly, feeling the hope leeching out of you with each word you said aloud.

“For as long as it takes for me to become the strongest. And for you to become the teacher you’ve always wanted to be. I’ll come back for you,” he promised, lacing his long fingers through yours. There was hope alight in those eyes of his, convincing your own hope to stay.

“You promise?” you asked, sounding so much more like a young child than you wished.

“I promise.” he said, and you kissed him then. There was something so magnetic about him, the type of person that made you want to believe anything was possible. But you hadn’t known that would be the last time you kissed.

You had no way of knowing that your boyfriend would keep up with his promise for a month, and then suddenly leave you with nothing. He stopped responding to your letters, stopped his calls, stopped reminding you how much he loved you. The only time you ever heard about him was when the news featured his growing talents.

The sound of Gojo’s voice ripped you away from the memory.

“You have every right to be upset with me,” he began, his cerulean eyes betraying his grief.

“Was there someone else?” you asked before you could think better, cursing yourself.

“No,” he said forcefully, wincing like it hurt him for you to think that.

“There was never anyone else. Never,” he said, and you couldn’t help the relief flooding your chest.

“They got in my head about you. Convinced me that I was holding you back, that you could never focus on school enough to become a teacher good enough to teach at Jujutsu High if you were in a long distance relationship with me. I thought I was doing what was best for you,” he said, his voice low and regretful as he spoke. 

The man across from you blurred as tears filled your vision. You spent months agonizing over the possible reasons he would abandon your relationship, and your young, heartbroken self was convinced it had something to do with you. That he found someone, and suddenly you weren't his cup of tea anymore. Never did it cross your mind that he thought he was doing you a favor by ghosting you.

“God, Gojo. Why didn’t you just talk to me?” you cried, doing nothing to mask the grief in your voice. 

“I knew you’d tell me that it was incredibly stupid of me. And I know it was now, but back then I thought it would be easier if I made the choice for you. You deserved to have your full focus on pursuing teaching,” he said solemnly, lifting a hand towards your face as if he were going to wipe your tears, but laying his hand back down like he thought against it.

“You’re right, that was incredibly stupid of you,” you said, heaving a deep breath as your swiped the last of your tears.

“But I get why you did it. I just wish you would’ve included me in that choice, because you know what I thought? I thought if you could discard me, discard us that easily, that I must’ve not meant as much to you as you meant to me. That you didn’t love me as much as I loved you,” you said shakily, a single traitorous tear falling down your cheek.

Your emotions overwhelmed you as you saw his eyes begin to shine with unshed tears - a sight that hurt you as much as it did when you were both 18.

“I never stopped loving you,” he said, his voice hushed as he made the confession.

It felt like you were no longer in your own body as emotions assaulted you all at once. Happiness, relief, confusion, devastation. They warred with each other, and you didn’t know if the burst of nerves you were feeling was panic or excitement.

“You don’t mean that. Maybe you still love who I was when I was 18, but things are different now. I’m different,” you said, watching as Gojo shook his head softly.

“You’re right. You have become even more beautiful than I remember,” he began, and you knew you had lost. This wasn’t a game, but somehow you still lost.

“I’ve seen the way you work with the kids. I’m in awe of how confident and capable you’ve become. But I’ve also seen what hasn’t changed,” he said, leaning towards you with the light back in his eyes.

“Your tenacity. Your kindness. Your intelligence. Your drive. The way your eyes light up when you teach, the way you see the best in people. That’s how I fell in love with you, and I know thats still there,” he said, looking at you with the kind of reverence you forgot existed.

You closed your eyes as you failed at calming your thunderous heart. 

“I can’t do this, Gojo. I can’t put myself in a position to be hurt by you again,” you said, casting your eyes down in your lap. You couldn’t bear to see defeat in his eyes.

You jolted as you felt the soothing, painfully familiar touch of his hand over yours. 

“Look at me,” he pleaded softly, coaxing your eyes back towards his. When you met them again, they were filled with warmth, and you believed it. That he still loved you.

“You don’t owe me anything. I’ll stay out of your way if that’s what you want. But I’m not taking back what I said. I’ve loved you since before you were mine. And I always will.” He finished you off by lifting your hand to his lips, a gesture you were still a used to be a sucker for.

~

In the days that followed, Gojo consumed your every thought. It didn’t help that you worked so closely, and it especially didn’t help to see how good he was with the students. He goofed around with them more than a normal teacher would, but he taught them earnestly. No matter how much they complained about his antics, you could tell your students loved him.

It also didn’t help when he began leaving your favorite milk tea on your desk before the start of every school day, earning you a “wow teach, you must really love that tea shop,” comment from Yuji.

It was slightly embarrassing, but you couldn’t deny how much it brightened your day to see that cup of tea sitting on your desk, knowing how much Gojo still thought of you. And it didn’t stop at tea.

Over the course of the next month, your favorite flowers began showing up with your tea. Sometimes, instead of flowers it was your favorite candy. Gojo never lingered around to hand them to you himself, just giving you sweet smiles and waves whenever you locked eyes. You knew it was his way of giving you space to choose, and no matter how cheesy it was, it was working.

~

It was about 3 months after that dinner that you found yourself sitting with the principal for your quarterly one-on-one. You were pleased to hear the praises of your work and the positive feedback he’d received from students regarding you, but something in particular he said had you shaken up.

“I knew you and Gojo would work well together. You both had very moving reasons for wanting to teach here,” he said casually.

“Moving reasons?” you pressed, feeling like you were on the verge of something.

“Oh, yes. I was highly impressed by your years of dedication and experience, you were an obvious choice. But Gojo didn’t have much teaching experience when I hired him, it was really his reason for teaching that sold me on him,” he answered. And you didn’t know why, but your pulse grew uncomfortably quick.

“He told me that teaching helped him feel close to someone he loved. And that person taught him how powerful a good teacher could be,” the principal said. There was a beat of silence, followed by the screeching sound your chair made and you sat up suddenly. You apologized and excused yourself, rushing towards a certain office door.

Your movements were too quick for your thoughts to catch up. You just knew you had to see him.

He wasn’t in his office. Not in his classroom, not in the teacher’s lounge. That sickening panic began invading your senses, reminding you that it wasn’t the first time you desperately searched for Gojo and couldn’t find him.

But you pushed past it and kept walking. You walked until you reached the outer edge of campus, spotting a flash of silver hair atop a hill that overlooked the school. 

You ran towards it like your life depended on it, huffing and puffing until you finally locked gazes with the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. Though the eyes that normally regarded you with warmth were unusually widened with concern as Gojo ran towards you.

“Hey, whats going on-”

“Why did you become a teacher?” you said, struggling to catch your breath. Gojo looked stunned for a second, staring at you silently as he waited for you to continue.

“Why did you decide to work for Jujutsu High, out of all the high schools in Japan?” you continued, watching as his expression turned pensive. But his eyes shone with all the words he’d yet to say.

“I didn’t intend on becoming a teacher. I just gave it a shot one day, because I knew how passionate you were about it. And I loved it,” he said, staring out wistfully towards the lecture halls.

“As for why I picked Jujutsu High,” he began, turning his body towards you again. He walked to you, stopping until there was barely a step of space between your bodies. 

“I picked it because I knew this was your dream school to work at. I hoped I would see you again if I worked here,” he admitted, smiling sadly. You shook your head in disbelief.

“This was my dream school when I was 18. What if I changed my mind and worked somewhere else? What if I didn’t even become a teacher?” you said frantically, searching for a crack in his resolve.

Gojo reached out, cupping your cheek in his hand. You had no choice but to tilt your head up to meet his, feeling new emotions flooding you at the look in his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter. The thought of seeing you again is what has kept me going all these years. Even if I mean nothing to you now,” he breathed, removing his hand from your cheek. He stepped away from you, giving you the space you realized you no longer wanted.

You didn’t know if you wanted to laugh or cry at this new revelation. But you did know one thing; you wanted Gojo Satoru. You wanted another shot with him.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around him tightly and burying your face into his chest. He smelled like mint and summer and everything good with the world as his arms immediately came up to hold you to him.

He released a shaky breath as he held you, like he couldn’t believe he’d get to do it again.

“Of course you still mean something to me,” you whispered through tears you didn’t realize you were shedding. Gojo gently pulled back from your hug, capturing both your face between his hands. He swiped his thumbs gently against your tears, that reverent, warm gaze back in those eyes of his.

“What should I make of that, tea?” he asked, tucking an errant strand of hair behind your ear. You realized how much you missed his touch, how you’ve longed to feel his smooth, porcelain skin against yours again.

“You’re gonna have to work reallyyyy hard if you want me to fall in love with you again,” you said, smiling as his eyes widened and his jaw slacked.

Liar. It wouldn’t take much at all.

“You’re giving me another chance?” he said incredulously. You nodded shyly, smiling as Gojo awarded you with the most brilliant, heart-stopping smile. The kind that crinkled his eyes at the corners, the kind that stretched his cheeks, the kind that you had no choice but to mirror.

The breath left your body as Gojo lifted you up by your hips, swinging you around in a circle like the last scene of a Disney movie where the prince and princess reunited. 

It felt like a weight was released from your shoulders as he spun you around, the two of you laughing like teenagers again.

“Thank you,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

~

“They have to be dating, there’s no way they’re not!” Nobara exclaimed, walking to get food with the other first years after class.

“Gojo sensei follows her around like a puppy. I could actually see hearts in his eyes when he looks at her! I swore I even heard her call him Toru,” Yuji said, him and Nobara nodding to each other intently.

“Maybe. Our new teacher has been looking really happy lately,” Megumi said.

[fallingdownhell]

Hi it's me again 😅

Is it okay if I request something very specific and angry cause I'm bad at writing fanfics.

Well if it's okay could you do a Ayato x Reader

«Where Reader is in an arrangement marriage with Ayato but despite this fact she somehow ended up falling in love with him. But for Ayato the Marriage was nothing other than a political stunt. So when you get a sickness you keep it a secret from him until Thoma had a enough tells Ayato but before Ayato could rescue you, you had already succumbed the illness. And lay on the floor in your own pool of blood. That was the day Ayato regretted he's life decisions the most. Had he just listened to he's heart instead of his brain, just maybe you would have told him»

Is this too much to ask?

Of course! I'm so sorry I'm so late with your request. Still hope that it's what you imagined it to be. Pairing: Ayato x Reader Content: female reader; arranged marriage; unhappy marriage; Hanahaki AU; blood; major character death; unhappy ending (if I forgot to mention something, please tell me and I'll add it!) Word count: 2,1k words Requested by: @smaika Hope you enjoy<3

Catching your breath again, you stare down at the bloodied tissue in your hands, mind empty.

It's gotten even worse now. The petals, that were smeared with blood, were now also accompanied by a few thornes scattered here and there.

Now you knew where that scratchy and uncomfortable feeling in your throat came from, at least. It was those thornes, most likely.

With shaking hands, you grab the headboard of the bed, sitting down on the bed while you try to calm yourself down again. The coughing fit has gone by, but there was still blood dripping from your lips. At least you didn't stain the bed sheets, or it would probably have rosen suspicion from the housekeepers.

It has been a few weeks now since this whole thing has started. It began with just a general feeling of getting sick. Just some slight nausea and a sore throat, nothing to wrack your brain too hard about. But then the coughing started, and nothing, no medicine or whatever else you tried seemed to help against it.

And then the blood and flower petals came into the mix. When you coughed up the first red petal, you instantly realized what it was you were suffering through. Coincidentally, that was also the moment when Thoma walked in on you and figured it out, as well.

He had been worried sick about you, seeing as you didn't seem to get better at all. That day, he returned from the city with a new medicine he had planned on giving to you, but when he walked in and saw you, hunched over the sink in the bathroom, blood and bloodied petals in there, it didn't take him long to figure it out.

He was already halfway out the room, hellbent on telling the Master of the estate, and your husband. But you begged him not to, pleaded to him to keep it between the two of you.

Thoma did not understand your reasoning behind this request, but he saw the desperation behind your eyes, and he just couldn't bring himself to act against your wishes. Because no matter the professional relationship you two had, you were also friends. And he just couldn't betray a friend like that.

So he reluctantly agreed, promising you not to tell a word about this to Ayato. But that didn't mean that he wouldn't still go out and try to find a cure for you.

And here you were now, weak and sick, sitting on the bed you shared with your husband and contemplating how you got to this point in your life. But deep down, you already knew how this all came to be, and also, how this whole thing would end..

Your marriage with Ayato was by far not the happy fairytale you had always dreamed it would be. The arrangements of the marriage had been taken care of years prior, without any of you two having a say in it in the first place.

You did only get to meet Ayato a total of three times before you were married of to him. And despite all those facts, you couldn't bring yourself to mind it all that much. The Ayato you got to know over the course of those few meetings was a kind and gentle one, respectful of your wishes, although a bit too caught up in matters of work and politics.

It didn't take much for you to actually fall in love with him. A few nice words and compliments from him, a nice gesture there and you were head over heels for him. And then seeing how kindly he treated his staff and his sister only sealed the deal for you.

You couldn't wait to get married to him and recieving that same loving and respectful treatment from him as his wife, looking forward to the days that would be ahead of you, together with him by your side as your husband.

What you didn't expect however, was the complete turn he did one the marriage ceremony was dealt with.

Every time you tried to engage in conversation with him, trying to get to know your husband better, he would shut you down or just flat out ignore you. Every time you tried to touch him, even as innocent as laying a hand on his shoulder to get his attention, he would push you away from him.

You were attending social events with him, though he never held your hand and didn't bother to keep you around him. You slept in the same room together, in the same bed even, and he has never made a move on you even once this entire time.

Often times, he comes to bed long after you've already fallen asleep and is already awake again by the time you get up in the morning. At first you brushed it off as him being crowded with work, or even a bit shy about this new arrangement. However, since his behaviour towards you never changed, you couldn't help but begin to think that there was an actual intent behind it. Wether that was because he didn't like this marriage, or you specifically, you couldn't tell, because he wouldn't talk to you.

But you were certain that those events are what led you to your current situation at hand.

Hanahaki disease..

A disease stemming from unrequitted love towards another person. One that would kill the affected person if those feelings were not returned.

No one really knows how this disease came to be and there wasn't really much that could be done about it, either. Once affected with it, there were only really a few ways to handle this situation.

One. You could simply do nothing at all, but that would lead to your certain death.

Two. There were surgeries available, though these procedures are still very much experimental, and a huge side effect would be loosing any and all feelings towards the person that the affected one had feelings for in the first place.

Or three. You could tell Ayato about your predicament. But knowing him by now, he wouldn't care about it, which would only result in you nearing your end sooner.

You appreciated Thoma for going out there and trying to find some form of other cure, but you and him were both well aware that there wasn't any. He was reaching for solutions that just weren't there.

You had briefly considered the option of undergoing such an experimental surgery, but ultimately decided against it. It just didn't feel right to you, staying married to a man that you wouldn't feel anything for. No joy, happiness, sadness.. nothing. But, were you really ready to give your life for him...?

A moment later, your train of thoughts got interrupted by the opening door of your bedroom, a familiar blonde head poking through the opening. You looked at Thoma, who carefully entered the room and closed the door behind him, kneeling down in front of you.

He looked at the bloodied tissue in your hands, noticing the thornes mixed in there.

"It got worse..", were his quietly spoken words. You couldn't muster a respone, only a small, weak nod. Thoma then gently pulled the tissue from your graps, throwing it in the trash, before he returned to your side.

"I'll help you lay down. You need to rest, (Name)."

You just nodded again, not having the energy to argue with him right now. He helped you to lay down on the bed, a warm hand brushing over your forehead and almost immediately after that, you blacked out from pure exhaustion.

........

Thoma has had enough. He had no idea why you were so hellbent on not telling Ayato about your condition, but he couldn't take it anymore. Even if it meant breaking his promise to you, he could no longer just stand by and watch his friend wither away and die while he could do nothing about it.

If there was a chance that all this could be fixed, he just had to take the risk now. He's waited far too long already, the guilt eating away at him more and more with each passing day.

Quick, determined footsteps echoed from the halls as the blonde aimed for the office of the head master of the Yashiro commission, knowing that he usually locks himself in there the entire day to get his work done.

Out of pure politeness, Thoma still knocked, though he did not wait for an answer from his Lord this time around. Instead, he swiftly opened the door and entered the room, quickly closing the door behind him again as to not cause too much attention from the other staff.

Ayato, sitting at his table, hunched over many papers, did not even look up when the blonde went and stood right in front of the desk.

"Did something important come up, Thoma?", he asks, though the tone in his voice is void of any actual interest in his answer.

"Yes, my Lord. It's about (Name)."

At this, Ayato sighed heavily, dropping his pen and squinting his eyes, rubbing his temples like the topic brought him great pain.

"Look, I know what you want to say, but we've been over this. It was an arranged marriage that was mutually agreed upon by both our parents. Just because she's my wife does not mean-!"

"She's dying, Ayato!", Thoma interrupted him and that sentence quickly shut the Commissioner up. Would he not have been so shocked over the statement itself, he would have been shocked about the untypical rude behaviour displayed by Thoma right now.

"..What do you mean by that?", he asked instead after a few beats of pure silence, in which Ayato tried to comprehend what was just said to him.

"Exactly that. (Name) is dying if you don't get up and finally talk to them about everything. I know you like to tell yourself that you don't feel anything for her and that you're keeping her out of things, but you're just making it worse for her.

I.. I don't think she can make it much longer."

Ayato wanted to laugh. Surely, this was all just a cruel joke the both of you decided to play on him, maybe your newest strategie to get him to pay attention to you. But this is Thoma standing in front of him. He doesn't joke about this kind of stuff.

Realizing now how dire the situation must be, Ayato quickly got up and headed towards your shared bedroom, where Thoma told him you were resting at the moment. The sooner he got this all handled with, the better.

Soon after, he stood infront of the bedroom door, gently knocking on it. He didn't want to startle you in case you were still sleeping in there. When no response came, he gently slid the door open, only to freeze in shock because of the scene that played out in front of him.

There you were, laying on the floor, your body pale and almost lifeless, as a puddle of blood was next to your head, blood still dripping from your lips.

"(Name)!" Without even realizing what he was doing at first, Ayato rushed right over to your side, turning you to your back. When you didn't show any reaction however, he began shouting for help while tears began to form in his eyes..

This couldn't be happening..

Not like this...

He didn't even notice when Thoma and a bunch of other people, who had also heard his desperate shouting, entered the room. They were gathering around you, Thoma frantically dropping down and searching for a pulse from you.

And Ayato knew..

He knew that you were gone, even before he saw that sad look in Thoma's eyes and the slow, little, almost unnoticable shake of his head.

But... this had to have been just a dream, right? A nightmare, that he's going to wake up from soon.

Surely, this wasn't really happening... he couldn't just have lost you like this..

He thought he was doing the right thing by keeping you at a distance, keeping you out of the dangers that dealing with certain people does involve. He didn't want for you to corrupt like him, to stay your pure and unapologetically kind self.

To know now that this was the wrong decision, that he basically killed you himself...

He should have just induldged you, talked to you, treating you like he should have, like you really were his wife..

Maybe then all of this wouldn't have happened..

Maybe then, you'd still be alive right now...

But now it's too late. And all he could do right now, is to hold you in his arms, right here with Thoma, and mourn the way things went...

[thatscarletflycatcher]

Thinking again about the darknesses that lurk underneath the surface of Sense and Sensibility (I have talked before about how Edward despite being the eldest is subjected to what we can argue is emotional and financial abuse by his family for years, and how the Dashwood women are disinherited on a whim of their great uncle), and this time specifically about the Brandons.

We get so little about them, and what we do get about them is all bad:

This lady was one of my nearest relations, an orphan from her infancy, and under the guardianship of my father... At seventeen she was lost to me for ever. She was married—married against her inclination to my brother. Her fortune was large, and our family estate much encumbered. And this, I fear, is all that can be said for the conduct of one, who was at once her uncle and guardian. My brother did not deserve her; he did not even love her... I have never told you how this was brought on. We were within a few hours of eloping together for Scotland. The treachery, or the folly, of my cousin’s maid betrayed us. I was banished to the house of a relation far distant, and she was allowed no liberty, no society, no amusement, till my father’s point was gained... My brother had no regard for her; his pleasures were not what they ought to have been, and from the first he treated her unkindly.

Mr Brandon Sr is shown to us as being a greedy man, a bad administrator of his estate, and a cruel father. His first son seems cut of the same cloth, and his pleasures were not what they ought to have been is one of the most, if not the most sinister line between all the Austen novels. But there's more about him!:

Her legal allowance was not adequate to her fortune, nor sufficient for her comfortable maintenance, and I learnt from my brother that the power of receiving it had been made over some months before to another person. He imagined, and calmly could he imagine it, that her extravagance, and consequent distress, had obliged her to dispose of it for some immediate relief.

The Brandons were married for two years; the colonel returns to England and starts looking for her 3 years later. Young Eliza was then a 3 year old toddler. We are obliquely told that Brandon cut all ties with his brother:

It was a valued, a precious trust to me; and gladly would I have discharged it in the strictest sense, by watching over her education myself, had the nature of our situations allowed it; but I had no family, no home; and my little Eliza was therefore placed at school. I saw her there whenever I could, and after the death of my brother, (which happened about five years ago, and which left to me the possession of the family property,) she visited me at Delaford.

Eliza is now 17, so the eldest brother died when she was 14, which is 16 years after his marriage with the older Eliza. In that period of time, he managed to squander the whole of her fortune, and put the estate in debt again, as we are told earlier on by Mrs Jennings:

Poor man! I am afraid his circumstances may be bad. The estate at Delaford was never reckoned more than two thousand a year, and his brother left everything sadly involved. I do think he must have been sent for about money matters, for what else can it be? I wonder whether it is so. I would give anything to know the truth of it. Perhaps it is about Miss Williams and, by the bye, I dare say it is, because he looked so conscious when I mentioned her. May be she is ill in town; nothing in the world more likely, for I have a notion she is always rather sickly. I would lay any wager it is about Miss Williams. It is not so very likely he should be distressed in his circumstances now, for he is a very prudent man, and to be sure must have cleared the estate by this time. I wonder what it can be! May be his sister is worse at Avignon, and has sent for him over. His setting off in such a hurry seems very like it. Well, I wish him out of all his trouble with all my heart, and a good wife into the bargain.”

We know the Bennets, with five daughters, and without a saving mindset, still manage to live very comfortably with 2000 a year, and if they had had any mind to save money, they could have provided all five of them with decent dowries/money enough to keep them out of poverty when their father died if they were single. It is clearly not that the money isn't enough, or that Delaford is an unproductive estate; in fact, it is described to us as almost paradisiac:

Delaford is a nice place, I can tell you; exactly what I call a nice old fashioned place, full of comforts and conveniences; quite shut in with great garden walls that are covered with the best fruit-trees in the country; and such a mulberry tree in one corner! Lord! how Charlotte and I did stuff the only time we were there! Then, there is a dove-cote, some delightful stew-ponds, and a very pretty canal; and every thing, in short, that one could wish for; and, moreover, it is close to the church, and only a quarter of a mile from the turnpike-road, so ’tis never dull, for if you only go and sit up in an old yew arbour behind the house, you may see all the carriages that pass along. Oh! ’tis a nice place! A butcher hard by in the village, and the parsonage-house within a stone’s throw. To my fancy, a thousand times prettier than Barton Park, where they are forced to send three miles for their meat, and have not a neighbour nearer than your mother.

One interesting character, though forgotten because only mentioned in passing, is the Brandon sister. On one of the quotes above we get that she's in Avignon for her health, and we know her husband is wealthy (and probably abroad with her) because it is his estate that the planned picnic is for:

A party was formed this evening for going on the following day to see a very fine place about twelve miles from Barton, belonging to a brother-in-law of Colonel Brandon, without whose interest it could not be seen, as the proprietor, who was then abroad, had left strict orders on that head. The grounds were declared to be highly beautiful, and Sir John, who was particularly warm in their praise, might be allowed to be a tolerable judge, for he had formed parties to visit them, at least, twice every summer for the last ten years. They contained a noble piece of water; a sail on which was to form a great part of the morning’s amusement; cold provisions were to be taken, open carriages only to be employed, and every thing conducted in the usual style of a complete party of pleasure.

It is implied that Brandon and his BIL are in very good terms (and we know he's not afraid of cutting ties with bad relatives), and one can safely guess that at the very least he cares enough about his wife as to have her travel for her health. Another guess can be made about her getting married about 10 years before the events of the book. Whether she lived at home before that, or was at school or somewhere else, it isn't said.

But this way you can feel there's a parallel in a way, between the Brandons and the Tilneys: a greedy, cruel father, a son that follows on his steps, and a younger brother and sister managing the toxicity as best they can. Talking about this with @bad-at-names-and-faces, she brought up the idea that in that scheme, Cathy would be Eliza (if it wasn't her not being an orphan, or a rich heiress, and how that connects with Austen's line about Cathy not being born to be a heroine at the beginning of Northanger Abbey). Certainly part of it is the romantic gothicness of the Brandon backstory, united with NA's commentary on Gothic tropes, but to me it drove home with even greater force how such a situation would break a man; losing Cathy that way would have definitely broken Tilney, and if we had met him 14 years down the line, would he have appeared to the unacquainted much different than Brandon appeared to the Dashwood sisters?

[murfpersonalblog]

IWTV S2 Ep8 Musings - LDPDL: Burning Questions

I was reading this Variety article, and they mentioned something that made me think of fan critiques of Louis' opaque motivations in the finale, and the fun laughs we've shared over how he's so unbothered by vamp nonsense that he never seems to ask important questions.

I'm drafting a separate post specifically about "Vampire Grace," but I wanted to focus here on only one point in particular:

PAUL.

We always talk about whether Louis chose Lestat over Claudia; "you take him with you, in HERE!" But I haven't seen talk about how Louis chose Lestat over Paul, and how that factors into Lou's habit of not asking HELLA important questions that could've saved Loustat DECADES of resentment.

Paul's suicide "opened the series," setting this whole thing in motion. Florence blames Louis for his death, making Lou feel like a failure.

--the first time we see Louis outright say to someone's face "I love you," it's mere seconds b4 Paul jumps off a roof. (The only other person we see him say it to is Armand, right after saying they're not companions. 💀)

Paul's memory is wrapped up in Louis' love of Lestat, cuz until Les showed up, Paul had been Lou's one and only companion--the sole person he could TALK to. As a closeted gay man, Lou was desperate for MALE companionship: understanding, acceptance & love.

Sure, he had Grace & Lily (& later Claudia)--all WOMEN--but:

his daddy's dead, and who knows what their deal was, but it couldn't be worse than effing Florence. So there's a lingering want of a father-figure; someone older/wiser who could teach & guide Lou when he was feeling "lost...in a dark way" (*cough* Armand *cough*)

a father or brother is still not the companion Louis REALLY wants/needs, so ofc there's things Lou can't tell Paul, or have with him. Les's an upgraded Paul-- a HUSBAND, not a SIBLING (*cough* Claudia *cough*).

(deep down) Lou was jealous of how candid & honest Paul was; regardless that Paul's lack of a filter was a side effect of his mental illness & religious fanaticism (cuz vampirism's an allegory for sexuality--and even in gay mecca Paris & SanFran Lou was still tryna "find himself" as the Zodiac Killer *cough Daniel *cough*)

Paul's dying wish was for Loustat to never be together

and Lou felt he'd betrayed Paul; that he'd lied/hadn't kept his word

folding like a leaf rather than saying NO, or killing himself like he'd implied (suicide by vampire instead of cane-sword/alcohol poisoning)

(and Queen Claudia called Lestat the "Father of Lies" (aka The Devil), and she ain't never lie a day in her life, either)

So the Catholic guilt was extra strong, cuz Saint Paul was right about Les; but Lou chose Les anyway--in the church, on the altar--after Paul died trusting that Lou WOULDN'T take him back.

Instead, we get this boatload of excuses from Louis about the "vampire bond," when the only bond that matters is LOVE. But this is the crux of Louis' personality/problems, and why the interview took so long for him to attempt either the 1st or 2nd time around. Cuz Louis is a hypocritical coward stuffed to gills with self-loathing & GUILT. He runs away from the truth, he runs away from his issues, and he hides from himself and everyone around him.

So OF COURSE Louis doesn't ask important questions. It's not that he doesn't care--it's that HE'S SCARED of asking, and terrified of what the answer is. So it takes him forever to even BEGIN addressing the elephants in the room.

Louis ALWAYS suspected. But he was:

Scared of the answer/truth

Scared that Les would LIE

Scared he'd forgive Les regardless

Paul died in 1911. It had been 26 YEARS until Lou finally piped up in 1937 (the end of Les's Grovel Era). But this was the PERFECT chance to call Les' bluff & get some honest answers out of him for once, cuz:

If Les (unapologetically) caused Paul's death, he can just stay gone

It's in Les' best interest to tell the truth regardless, cuz he's been desperately tryna get back in Lou's (& Claudia's) good graces for 6 years, and being sincere will earn him more cookies (he'd also be banking on Lou forgiving him regardless, cuz he's been missing Les so bad, even after being beat into the next decade & dropped a billion miles in the air)

If Les IS lying, how would they even frikkin know if they can't read his mind? Lou just wants to see what Les will say

(In 2x6 he waited to ask Madeleine if she only saw Claudia as a replacement for her dead sister--a question he should've asked BEFORE he Turned her, but... 🤷 Moot.)

So in the finale, there's 2 painful truths Lou has to contend with:

WHY is he doing the 2nd interview?

WHO saved him during the Trial?

It takes Louis 77 YEARS to reclaim the "pieces of myself" he'd lost/forgotten. He ALWAYS knew things weren't adding up with Armand. He KNEW there were things missing. Even in SanFran, BEFORE the mind-wipe, he was already losing his mind/memories--PTSD from all the awful things he'd been through.

Even book!Louis knew about Claudia's diaries for a decade b4 he finally got the courage to ask the Talamasca if he could read them & speak to her ghost.

Although Lou's naive AF, he's not an idiot--he HAD A HUNCH that Armand knew more than he was letting on, which is precisely why he kept ignoring Armand every time he asked to stop the interview.

However, for once, Lou actually wastes VERY little time with this one:

As soon as he learns the truth about "Banishment," he divorces Armand, and runs back to NOLA to find Lestat. Memory is a monster Lou'd been running scared from all this time. He's tired of running away, wasting so much time, wasting the gift, when he could be actively tryna solve his problems to make life bearable/better. The hellish prison he'd lived in was by his own design--only he could chose to stand up, take control of his life; and finally ask the burning questions. "Truth and reconciliation."

Lou could finally make peace with the memory of the two people he'd been avoiding for so long; whom he felt he'd let down the most:

For once Lou chooses to be "companion enough for myself," and live with/for himself, not relying other people to save/fix/determine his life for him anymore. That's really the only way he'll be able to be with Les in a healthier, guilt-free relationship in the future.

[mollysunder]

On Silco and Molatovs

I still think about how the creators of Arcane wanted the opening scene to be a young Silco throwing a molotov cocktail during the Day of Ash on the bridge. It's supposed to be implied that Silco's actions were the trigger for why that day escalated to such violence and death. But honestly, all it does is vindicate the success of Silco's leadership in Zaun.

Most of the problems Silco faces in Act 2 & 3 are practically the same challenges Vander faced, but worse. His kid blew up a building and intentionally murdered people while doing it. The operation he had his kid go on got interrupted by a rival gang of young people with the objective literally up in flames. Piltover's putting (economic) pressure on Zaun to find the culprit on the Progress Day attack. Silco also has to put up with upstarts attempting to undermine his leadership position as tensions starts to mount. In spite of all the pressures Silco faced, he was able to manuever around them all a lot better than Vander did.

Let's take Jinx's hexgem heist for the first example. One building robbed and vandalized, another building set on fire and bombed, and six enforcers killed. Yet the only enforcer that was in Zaun for that escapade was Marcus, because Marcus couldn't treat Silco like Grayson treated Vander.

When the kids accidentally blew up the Kiramman building during their heist, no one died, but enforcers were flooded into Zaun, because Grayson saw it in her capacity to do that. Even when Grayson goes to calmly speak with Vander, she's still flanked by aggressive underlings who consistently escalate tensions. Grayson, as the Sheriff Vander trusts, either can't control the enforcers in her charge or is incredibly lax with how they operate, and that's because Grayson had no incentive to be genuinely effective.

Grayson and Vander operated on knowledge where both assumed Piltover's forces had the upperhand on Zaun and could demolish them. No matter how cordial Vander and Grayson were to eachother, Grayson held the cards in that dynamic. There was nothing Vander could do if Grayson just changed her mind about keeping enforcers out of Zaun. Grayson just believed it was for the good of both cities to avoid further bloodshed (that Zaun risked) by delegating responsibility of Zaun to Vander. They manage to work together essentially through Grayson's grace, rather than Vander's own legitimacy as a leader.

Marcus however, must actually attempt restraint because both he and Silco have actual stakes in their relationship. So Marcus enters Zaun ALONE to figure out a solution with it's defacto leader, Marcus is just upset about it the whole time. Frankly that's why I think Jinx intentionally caused as much loud and obvious damage because she KNEW she would get away with it, she still kind of has (she isn't in Stillwater). Jinx has been with Silco for at least seven years, she knows he's got Marcus in bind that's only getting tighter, and knows Silco won't hesitate to throw someone (the Firelights) under the bus for it, unlike Vander.

And even when passage through the bridge is shut down and Zaunites are out in anger protesting, no one dies. Some Zaunite there literally threw a molotov cocktail at the enforcer line and yet violence on the scale of the Day of Ash didn't transpire, because Silco put them, specifically Marcus, in a position where the had to be restraint. In every aspect of Vander's leadership that's about real material gain, Silco has managed to succeed where he failed. Practically every act of aggression at Piltover under Silco's regime never saw the same level of retribution that Vander's did. Sevika chose Silco over Vander because she believed he truly was a more effective leader, and she was right! In the end, she didn't betray Silco because he easily outpaced all the other contenders.

Tldr: Whenever the writers bring up Silco's faults, sometimes it just makes him look better than his counterparts in terms of skill and effectiveness. Silco managed to get Zaun treated like a separate nation faster than Vander could have dreamed.

[gentiansaint]

DA:V spoilers, and obligatory complaint about how little of this is explicit in the game vs how much i have to read between the lines for it but -- i was thinking about the difference between Neve and Lucanis romance possibilities dependent upon which city is saved.

i know some folks have complained that if you 'harden' Lucanis by saving Minrathous, you can't romance him; vs still being able to romance Neve in the opposite situation -- but i honestly think it makes sense.

note: in my first game i romanced Lucanis, saved Treviso. this game, i saved Minrathous (probably romancing Neve) to see the differences. i am not very far into this file yet so the below is just my initial vibes on it all.

because the thing about Lucanis that is different from Neve isn't just the obvious fact that they're different people lol -- but he literally just got rescued from an entire year of confinement and torture, knowing that he was betrayed by someone to get him there. he's got a literal demon inside him, and figurative ones, too. he spent that year daydreaming about things like going to Cafe Pietra for a very specific blend of coffee -- dreaming about the simple daily pleasures of his city, which he so clearly loves, helped to keep him sane and determined in the face of it all. (Spite is/was a Determination spirit, do recall, per a Seer we meet in Rivain.)

then you show up and you rescue him! and he returns home, his contract on Calivan at last fulfilled -- to discover that his grandmother, whom he loves, is dead, killed by, again, betrayal. (the nature of an emotional connection to someone who treated him the way Caterina did while training him as a Crow is yet another whole different essay i'm not writing here, but he obviously loves her dearly all the same.)

a year in a cruel prison, and when he finally is freed, his grandmother is dead. the betrayal continues, the larger enemy is still out there despite taking Calivan down; Treviso has been occupied by the Antaam and worse, now the whole world is on fire. but Treviso is still there. Treviso, with its cafes and its markets, its people with their spirit unbroken under occupation. he has that to cling to, just like he did while in the Ossuary.

and then the person who saved him from the Ossuary -- turns around and, to his view, betrays him, and betrays Treviso, by going somewhere else when Lucanis and his city were in need. the missive he sends while he's away afterward tells you that it's worse than you thought at first, that everything about the city which had survived the occupation has not survived the Blight. the things that were keeping him sane and grounded are gone, and he has to feel like a lifeline is gone with it. a part of himself.

is it any wonder he shuts himself off entirely from the person who took that from him?

by contrast, Neve loves her city too but she's also been fighting it, and its own worst impulses, forever. she doesn't cling to an idealized version of it, using it as a prop for her own sense of herself. honestly the opposite is likely true; she thinks it can be better, yes, but in her cases, she's seen the worst in human nature over and over again, and she understands making hard choices. it takes her a while to trust you again, but it's possible, and while she's hardened, it doesn't wound something fundamental in her the same way it does to Lucanis.

[fiveredlights]

I need to know the process of max and daniel telling people in glitter. I mean, obviously there were 80 billion people who found out based on everyone being at their wedding, them casually mentioning it at f1 shoots, obviously the teams knowing, etc, but the key first reveals? Who knew, how they told them, how they took, etc, I want to know all! Also, I want all the insight of them in 2022 that you’re up for sharing with how they navigated the emotional minefield there, because the snippet you shared about the two shows such a interesting glimpse into max being in the peak of his career while his boyfriend is falling and suffering and barely eating and forcing smiles when he’s never had to before. Sorry, two very broad questions in one ask, but since we as outsiders don’t have the details, I definitely have some curiosities around these bigger topics.

Final, actually more specific question: how is Daniel with the cats?

yes, i will say that this socmed format def has one downfall and it's not being able to share the deeper details but i am very happy to just dump all of this here, hope this satisfies some of your curiosities anon!

how max and daniel tell everyone:

charles is absolutely the first person max and daniel tell, and that's just because he was the first person to catch an inkling that they may want to be more than friends. that's done with a facetime with max and daniel (which is in ch 3, charles' post). he was basically the driving force to getting maxiel together-- they got together after daniel invited max to stay in his house in perth during COVID, there’s a kookaburra called gary that taunts max to make the first move, it’s a whole thing--charles basically forced daniel to invite him over. but also, there are definitely drivers who thought they were already dating, here's a snippet from the new year's day fic, a conversation between daniel and nico hulkenburg during singapore, 2019.

Are you two okay?  We’re fine I know you don’t like talking about him but you’re okay right?  It’s awful when you fight with your partner, but I guess it’s worse for you cause you have to race him the next day.  Nico What We’re not dating Oh Did you think I was dating Max this whole time?! Does Max know that 

i don’t think they tell the rest of the drivers, probably just the ones they’re close with. if charles knows, pierre knows. when max told alex he was going to stay in australia, he laughed really loudly, gave a pat on the back to max and said “charles told me you two were always weird about each other” and walks away. so make of that what you will. they don’t tell george, he finds out from someone and feels instantly betrayed as leader of the daniel ricciardo fanclub but gets over it quickly. no one tells sebastian but they both get a “Congratulations. — Sebastian” text one random day.

max’s sister instantly finds out when he doesn’t come back to europe for lockdown. daniel doesn’t tell his mum till max has left to go back to the UK before the season starts again, but she already knew (he wore a red bull shirt with 33 on it whilst they socially distanced exchanged food with each other).

the red bull team find out during a meeting where daniel walks through the living room with a basket of laundry. they don't say anything there, but daniel receives a vague message from a number he doesn't recognise basically being like treat him right etc etc (it's GP.) the renault team were under the impression that they were dating the whole time, so no shock from them.

but i think for the first two years (2020-2022) they try and keep it as much as a secret as they can, especially because of how turbulent their careers were at that time. when daniel has his pseudo 6 month sabbatical and is back with red bull, that’s when they slowly start to talk about their relationship around everyone more. (with the help of some very strong NDAs i imagine to stop stuff from leaking. but people probably respect them enough to not leak. it’s a fictional universe, people are nicer here.)

2022:

2022 is a real turning point for them. as you put very nicely, max is at the peak of his career, daniel has never been lower. i think for both of them it's a do or die point of their relationship--i think they were kind of stuck in this honeymoon period during the first year of the relationship, but daniel going through a depressive period snaps them both out of it. obviously, i can only speak for my own fictionalised daniel ricciardo and my own experiences, but i think he just slowly stops trying. like here's what i wrote, and i think it just encapsulates what daniel feel internally throughout the year:

“Sometimes I think you are not angry enough about it. You used to fight back everything you did not like at Red Bull and now Lando says you just sit there in meetings and accept all the bad things they’ve thrown at you.”

he’s tried being nice about it, he’s tried being angry about it and none of it works, so why try anymore? but also this is when max realises that daniel needs something tangible for him to realise that max is in it for the long run, which is how the tattoo is born. it doesn’t fix all their problems, time will help, but it’s a nice thing. he doesn’t tell max but max getting a no.3 tattoo is basically a marriage proposal in his eyes and frankly it is—if someone came up to me and was like hey i got a tattoo of your racing number 3 next to where you always place your hand on me and when they’re together it reads 33 which is my racing number, i would’ve dragged their ass to the nearest government office and got married right there, but that’s just me—the actual proposal is probably in early 2023, and it’s max who proposes whilst they go on a bushwalk, he knew that daniel has bought a ring recently and wanted to catch him off guard. (proposal pic is daniel’s post on august 5th in ch3)

daniel and the cats:

the cats definitely hate him at first (i have genuinely never heard a nice, calm story from jimmy and sassy). they destroy his shoes by playing with the shoelaces, only sit on daniel’s clean laundry, sleep on his side of the bed (cats are vindictive like that) but after a couple weeks of this behaviour they probably realise that daniel’s not going anywhere. they like him more when he buys some super duper expensive cat treat and max comes to the conclusion his boyfriend has stolen the hearts of his cats.

[doomhamster]

I think the thing I find most fascinating about Ulder Ravengard is that he exists in BG3, by definition, as an AU version of himself.

The thing is, Ulder is introduced in the D&D adventure module Murder in Baldur's Gate (which, incidentally, also introduces many of my other favorite Baldur's Gate characters, like Nine-Fingers Keene).

He gets described as "the incarnation of militarism", utilitarian to the bone. A man who worships order and the greater good, which he defines as that of the common working folk of Baldur's Gate - specifically of the Lower City, as opposed to the Outer, which is largely lawless, full of Guild stooges and non-Baldurian transients. A thorough, disciplined man, who rarely forgets and never forgives. A man who doesn't appreciate beauty, or enjoy much of anything except Things Working Properly; who is respected by his soldiers, but isn't loved by them and doesn't want to be.

And then. The module finishes with "Ravengard has never married and has no interest in domestic matters."

This adventure is set in 1482, when Wyll was 14 years old.

So! By making Wyll Ulder's son, Larian don't just make a sweeping change to his backstory, they at least imply some pretty sweeping changes to his personality. The tough, prosaic career soldier who "has no interest in domestic matters" - well, he may or may not have married, but once upon a time, he was very much in love.

With a woman who wished on acorns. Who "always said" that they held a little bit of magic; a story that Ulder passed on to their son, after her death. (Even though whatever wishes he and Francesca had made for their future were surely betrayed, except perhaps insofar as Wyll exists.)

And when that woman died, she left Ulder behind as a single father to a gentle, whimsical son. And Ulder nurtured that gentleness! Told Wyll stories, laughed at his antics, encouraged him to have fun as well as to learn how to be a hero - and is proud when Wyll tells him he wants to be a hero for the whole Sword Coast, perhaps for all the world, and not just Baldur's Gate.

Was this version of Ulder just never as harsh and rule-bound as the original? Or did he change, because of his love for Francesca, and for their son? There's a whole epic romance here, moving under the water, and we only see the fin -

(Wyll: That being me? Gee, thanks. Though I guess I've been compared to worse things.)

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Archbishop Rhea/Seiros Propaganda Post

It’s not talked about enough that she is probably the most morally gray character of the game with many of her actions having good intentions, but not going about it in the best way.

She made a lot of difficult choices with no way of knowing the future consequences. Needed more screen time, she only got 1 war crime compared to Edelgard’s 15, she deserved the chance to commit more.

She stabs a man to death in the opening cutscene, sacrifices herself numerous times to save people, and offers weed to students. She has the range.

Listen to me!!! She is the best example of moral ambiguity in the game. Too many people wrongly attribute bad things in game to her and project their religious trauma onto her and make her out to be the bad guy just because of a little catholic aesthetic. I’ve even seen people believe she is homophobic and racist despite the fact that she is bisexual AND has had assassination attempts on her life because she DOESN’T discriminate based on race. To understand her you need backstory.

Rhea is from a race called the Nabateans, the literal children of the goddess known as Sothis. They were more advanced than humans, but decided to share their technology with them anyway. Bad idea if you are familiar with Star Trek’s prime directive. The humans let the power go to their heads and started a devastating war. By the time it ended the whole continent was in such bad shape, Sothis had to use up a majority of her power to heal the land and then went into a healing sleep.

Centuries later, the Nabateans are living peacefully in their own city when the group of people that started the old war (now called Agarthans) convinced a bandit group to help them kill the Nabateans. It was a literal genocide (referred to in-game I believe as the Red Canyon Massacre) with only 9 known survivors of an entire people. It gets worse though. The bandits drank the blood of the slaughtered Nabateans to gain their powers (crests) and tore out their hearts and bones to create weapons. To avenge her family and fight back against the continent wide conquest by Nemesis (lead bandit who killed her mother) Rhea took on a new name (Seiros) and led a resistance effort while pretending to be a human oracle. She won in the end, but that is where the moral ambiguity comes into play.

History is written by the winners, and Rhea chose to lie. Specifically, she changed the origin of Nemesis’ power. She spun it that he didn’t kill the goddess, Sothis gave him her powers to be a holy warrior, but he became evil and betrayed her. In her sadness, Sothis left the mortal world and called upon other holy warriors (Rhea and co.) to defeat him. The crests and “holy” relics (bone weapons) weren’t created from slaughter, they were direct blessings from the goddess. Other bandits who killed her family, actually heroes on her side. Why, you may ask, did she do this? To protect her remaining family. The war had lasted for around 100 years due to the Nabatean blood extending the bandits lifespan and had given them super human powers. They had had kids and even grandkids. The powers were noticeable, significant, and had to have come from somewhere. She could either:

Tell the truth. The bandits killed the goddess and her people, and now the bandits entire family had inherited proof of this horrific act. Pros: the bandits are not seen in a good light and she doesn’t have to be nice to them. Cons: she has put a target on the remaining Nabateans as sources of inhuman power for unsavory people. Also, the bandits descendants suffer for their ancestors crimes. (There is an example of this in game.)

Lie. Crests were blessing, but the goddess left after her gift was abused. Pros: hides Nabateans existence and makes the bandits in her debt for not being seen as evil. Cons: she has to pretend she is not surrounded by the blood of people who took her family from her and are using their bones as weapons. She chose to lie. This eventually led to the development of crest-based importance in society. Those with crests were more highly valued which led to discrimination and favoritism based on it. This is mainly for nobility, commoners didn’t give a shit about it other than “proof you are related to a specific guy”. So some people in the fandom are mad at Rhea for this and think she should have told the truth to prevent magic blood based elitism as if that would have prevented wealth and power based inequality.

Another morally ambiguous action she did was temporarily slow down the the progress of human advancement. She had seen what can happen when humans get a hold of dangerous tech (prime directive!!!) and ALL bans were done to prevent more fighting. Examples:

A printing press. Exist in current canon, but was temporarily banned due to the potential “of mass circulation of misinformation and malevolent rumors”. Guess what happens in game. A character has an “information campaign” to promote a war of imperialism and spread anti-religious and Nabatean sentiments.🙃

Telescope. Specifically because “the ease of locating enemy camps would escalate wartime violence”.

Black oil. Due to “misuse could result in accidental death” and “competition for it could cause strife”. (I am 100% on Rhea’s side for this, fuck fossil fuels)

Note: people try and say that she also banned autopsies, but in-game books only say that a Cardinal wanted them banned with no evidence that Rhea agreed to do it.

Also, another divisive action Rhea took was the attempted resurrection of Sothis (this has two parts). The first was her creation of homunculus. Her process for this was to create an empty body as a shell and then put the goddess’s heart into it and hope she entered into and took over the body. She did not and instead the homunculi all developed their own consciousnesses. Rhea did this 12 times over the course of 1000 years meaning she probably let each one live out a human lifespan and tried again after they died. This one is only really ambiguous because a lot of people incorrectly assumed that she had been kidnapping children and experimenting on them instead of creating the bodies. I try to avoid arguments about whether she should have created the homunculi in the first place, because they kind of start to sound like those arguments about whether women in XYZ situations should be allowed to create life/have children (if that makes sense).

The second part is her attitude and treatment of Byleth (the main character). Byleth was stillborn and Sitri (Byleth’s mom and Rhea’s 12th homunculus) was dying from birth complications. Sitri begged Rhea to remove the goddess’s heart (which brought her to life) and use it to try and save Byleth. Rhea, who saw Sitri as a daughter, agreed to do it. Some players found this unforgivable for experimenting(???) on Byleth and not asking the father(???) for permission. Rhea’s attitude toward Byleth when they grow up is weird writing wise. Some scenes imply that she believes Byleth to be the goddess reincarnated (sort of true) and in other scenes she implies that they are a vessel for Sothis to possess (also sort of true). So that’s another point for ambiguity.

LASTLY (I’m almost done), the scene near the end of the one route where Rhea is an enemy instead of an ally. The player character’s team has almost won, most of the continent has been conquered, and the last remaining of Dimitri and Rhea’s rebel forces are trapped in a fortress city not suitable for sieges. Rhea decides “I am taking you to hell with me :)”, turns into a dragon, unleashes the hidden Nabatean high tech robots, and has the WHOLE city set on fire with civilians implied to still be inside. Big girlboss moment and honestly considering why she is the final boss I don’t blame her for going ape shit.

[super-hero-confessions]

Billy Butcher is a genuinely worse person than Homelander and this is plain to see when you actually read the comics.

Homelander actually feels disgusted with himself when he does bad things. And he only does them because he's been led to believe he was horrible without actually having done any of the shit he's blackmailed for in the photos and videos. Including what happened to Becky.

If it's not clear. It was Black Noir, a clone of Homelander, who put on his costume, did those terrible things and enjoyed them, and then took pictures and videos to frame Homelander. Noir was the one to rape Becky, but Homelander got the blame.

And the very few things we actually see Homelander do show us how much revulsion he feels from doing them, to the point where he throws up and has a visceral reaction, like he doesn't actually want to and isn't used to it. Asking himself "what have I done?".

That's far from a spoiler at this point, these comics have been out in full, for several years now. I'm not gonna pull punches or be dishonest about it like some people confessing weird out of context bullshit either.

In contrast.

Butcher kills all of his friends, excuse me. All of the people he used and lied to and made believe he was actually their friend, with no remorse or second thought. Or at least tries to.

Kimiko. Frenchie. MM. Even Vas (Love Sausage). All of them die by Billy's hands. For no other reason beyond.

"They're supes."

Despite the fact that this is after he discovered he was wrong about Homelander the whole fucking time.

Down to trying to kill MM's momma. Down to killing Janine's fucking mother in front of her so that she witnesses it. And then makes sure MM knows that for Billy, he "ain't got no mates".

Hughie is the only one to survive because after killing the others, Butcher threatens to kill Starlight and says he won't stop unless Hughie stops him.

There's no question here. Butcher was always the bigger monster. He just didn't have the power to be as bad as Homelander could be. Potentially.

Potentially. And that is a huge fucking key word.

Barring the fact that Homelander never actually met that potential or even wanted it. Noir was the actual monster, using Billy to confuse him into believing he had, so he would try. Just so the clone could swoop in kill him.

Imagine that.

And there are still people deranged enough to think there's any kind of contest on who's worse between Billy and Homelander?

Fuck's sake, this guy immediately kills a fucking premie baby instead of trying to pacify it because it's terrified out of its mind and has powers it can't control. With a lamp.

I love the show, I love the portrayals and the jobs done by the actors. I think it does a great job touching on the important topics and themes in the comics while connecting it to current events. I do hope it has a different ending. But one thing's clear.

While the characters are fundamentally the same at their cores. They made Billy softer and sweeter while they made Homelander harder and more ruthless in order to make the dynamic more mainstream and less controversial. Which is honestly a bit disappointing.

It also makes me a little worried because if they don't find a way to navigate that well, it may mean they've messed up the finish line before we could ever reach it. They could definitely go for something more comic accurate or even include Billy killing Ryan and just not caring anymore as per typical Butcher fashion, but given that they've already chickened out on some of the more intense stuff, I can't say it's high in the hopes factor.

And a happy ending doesn't exactly feel appropriate either.

But who knows, maybe the set up is there specifically to make everything hurt that much more in the end if or when Billy betrays everyone.

And this is coming from someone who is ecstatic to see Homelander go on a chaotic rampage of blood, death, and destruction. Bring it the fuck on you goddamn chaos cockteases.

But yeah, no. It's no contest. Billy is a far worse character than Homelander in the comics, and he has the potential to get a lot worse in the show. He's not there yet, but it's pretty clear he actively wants to be and it's grating him that he isn't yet.

Guess it'll be interesting to see if that comes to fruition or if there's even some crazy twist that shows us Homelander isn't as bad as people think.

[spacemagicandlaserswords]

The Clone Wars 2x14 ‘Duchess of Mandalore’ Reaction

This first Mandalore-Obi-Wan/Satine-Obitine arc started out so well. 2x12 ‘The Mandalore Plot’ was an absolute hoot. One of my favourite episodes so far. 2x13 ‘Voyage of Temptation’ wasn’t quite at the same level but still had some fantastic and hilarious moments. And then everything just felt like it fell completely flat in the final episode of this Mandalore arc.

We’ve just been introduced to Satine, who we very quickly get to know as an exceptionally capable, hyper competent, dedicated and principled leader. She’s smart, shrewd, quick witted, intelligent, and has the nous to best Obi-Wan Kenobi, the Great Negotiator himself, whenever they flirt verbally joust. The Satine we know is there at the start of her appearance in the Senate, where she delivers the absolute banger of a line that is “You would trample our right to self-determination.”  

However it all goes downhill from there when the recording plays and she gets all flustered and upset. Now that is understandable given that she has the lives of her people at stake and she has just discovered that her deputy minister and supposedly good friend has betrayed her while in the middle of the Senate. Yet we’ve seen Satine maintain a level head and remain collected in the face of peril, threat and adversity before so why did she suddenly lose that composure in the Senate? It feels a little too much like leaning into the ‘women are too emotional to be leaders’ nonsense. Even with everything that’s happened, I really couldn’t understand this sudden 180 on Satine’s character. Also, a recording? Of course it’s fake. Though this is an audience perspective looking in, and there was no proof that it was doctored so of course Satine has to go off and find said proof. I did enjoy how much she was pissing off Palps though, and how much he couldn’t show it. Anytime that happens is deeply satisfying.    

Then we get to Obi-Wan and Satine having their first real proper fight. The whole thing just seemed really unnecessary. I really was not impressed with Obi-Wan basically barging in with advice and telling her not to be hysterical. Sexist much? I guess this is one of those times where I have to remind myself that this episode aired over 13 years ago and so this is another example of how TCW has aged. Younger nerd me would still be pissed at that though so it doesn’t excuse it. Also, how is 2010 13 years ago?! I can see both of their points of view, even if Obi-Wan really didn’t go about delivering his in a considerate manner. In a way, they’re both right and they’re both wrong. Nothing good comes of it and then the Death Watch promptly tries to assassinate Satine, which gives you some idea of how well her day is going.

All the smarmy politics nonsense that happened after this was utterly frustrating. Hopefully that was the point because what else could that have been apart from an assassination attempt?! The speeder of a visiting political leader crashes into a building and that isn’t suspicious? I also really don’t like how the Republic thinks it can just march on over and decide what’s best for planets under the guise of helping. Sounds very colonial of them but then that’s probably the point. Just because the Republic might think they’re helping doesn’t mean they actually are. Especially when the people and elected leader of said planet have specifically stated multiple times that they don’t want them there. I can think of a lot of real world parallels that this is echoing. Another example of TCW tackling difficult, more nuanced topics. Though I’m beginning to realise that for all TCW is held up as fairly decent to good writing in Star Wars, there’s still plenty of ways that it also disappoints.    

Satine has to find proof of the recording being doctored so of course she goes to the Coruscant underworld and of course her day gets even worse and she ends up framed for murder and is now a fugitive on the run. She’s got a hilarious unsubtle royal red hooded cloak on as a disguise, complete with ornate gold detailing. How is that fooling anyone? And then we had the chase sequence, which was utterly ridiculous. It was so laughably bad it reminded me of the speeder bike chase from The Book of Boba Fett. 

I’m putting this tangent here immediately so that I don’t get hate for this. I want to make it completely clear that I enjoyed The Book of Boba Fett. There were some absolutely fantastic parts of the series. I think the highlight for me was the physicality Temuera Morrison brought to his acting and to Boba. He imbued so much of his Māori culture into Boba and You. Can. Tell. It was amazing. I loved it. There’s a video interview where he talks about this and I wish I could find it because it’s fantastic and definitely worth a watch. TLDR I enjoyed The Book of Boba Fett. Sometimes it feels like I’m one of the few who actually did. That said, I can completely recognise that there were quite a few elements of the show that were lacking, along with some decisions that were just ridiculous. Just because something is enjoyable doesn’t exempt it from critical thinking. Sidelining Boba in his own show and turning the back half of the season into The Mandalorian Season 2.5 was particularly grating. There were also parts of the show that unfortunately just didn’t land, and the speeder bike chase was one of them. It was supposed to be a speeder chase. That implies speed. The word is there in the name of the vehicles. Yet the whole thing looked like it was trundling along at about 20km/h, almost as if in slow motion. The chase sequence of Satine in this episode had the same vibes. It just seemed ridiculous. Everything happened so comically slowly. Clones are trained from birth and created with the sole purpose of being the perfect soldier and here they are bumbling around Coruscant like a pair of incompetent buddy cops from a dated British comedy show. There’s only so much you can suspend disbelief and it really didn’t feel believable that a pacifist royal could continue to evade a whole cavalcade of pursuers that included two highly trained genetically engineered soldiers and a Mandalorian Death Watch assassin.

Obi-Wan meeting up with Satine, at what I assume was the top of Umate, was also hilariously ridiculous. Two hooded figures in the most populous public space on Coruscant? That’s not suspicious at all! Though there might’ve been a little bit of an acknowledgment of this in Obi-Wan’s line “Nice disguise.” I did love the moment where Satine grabbed Obi-Wan by the front of his Jedi robes and dragged him away from where they were sitting. I’m realising more and more that it’s the little moments that really make the characters and the show. Also, these moments are often a lot more fleeting than I thought they’d be. There’s a similar one at the end of the show where Satine and Obi-Wan both look out over Coruscant through the window of the Chancellor’s office. I was expecting this to be a longer scene with conversation and a moment between the two of them. But instead it barely lasts a few seconds before the credits roll. 

I will admit that Satine handing herself in as a distraction to allow Obi-Wan to get into the Senate building was particularly gutsy. So the episode is at least bookended by the Satine we know. I’m almost up to the next Mandalore arc in season 3 and it’ll be interesting to see how that goes. I also have so many episodes that I’ve watched and need to write about and Ahsoka comes out August 23 and I still have to get through seasons 3-7 of TCW and all of Rebels before that starts. Why have I done this to myself? *cries* I may have to revise my approach to these recaps again but I want to get through these ones first before I try changing things again.  

[oc-aita]

AITA for lying to my fiance to get to know her better?

I (26 NB) am the Archon of a citystate, a position which comes with the ability to see the future sometimes. Technically it's the ability to see specific events that will protect a tree (6000+ genderless) in our palace gardens, but we figure that if the tree gets destroyed the whole nation is screwed so I do my best to follow these visions.

About a year ago I had a vision in which I was marrying the princess (27 F) of our neighboring empire, and during our wedding night she would save my life during an assassination attempt. Since I obviously don't want to be assassinated (and also she's very beautiful and seemed lovely from the brief moment I saw her) I reached out to the empire to begin courting this woman.

Here is, perhaps, my first misstep: I failed to realized just how backwards this empire is. What I had thought would be a courtship quickly spiraled into negotiations and an arranged marriage. As the weaker negotiating party I had little control over the final result of the arrangement, which was that this woman would be sent to marry me without even meeting me first! Can you even imagine?

Despite this all I desperately wanted to get to know her before we were wed. As close as I try to follow my visions, I would never force someone into a relationship, even at the cost of my own life. As such, I came up with a plan: I would simply claim to be an advisor to the Archon, and that the Archon himself was away at the time of her arrival. This was made easier by the fact that I use He pronouns as a public figure and They pronouns in personal settings. A few weeks after her arrival I would dramatically reveal my true identity at our yearly masquerade ball, and confirm that she still wanted to go through with the wedding.

A number of my friends and advisors informed me that this would be "kind of a dick move and completely on-brand for you" but I chose to go ahead with it regardless. My fiance arrived miserable and unhappy to be wed to a stranger, but quickly warmed up to me and my culture as I showed her the wonders of the city. We spent our weeks before the ball wandering the markets, playing chess in the gardens, and discussing anything from noble gossip to taxes. Though I'd hesitate to call us soulmates (she has some...interesting beliefs about imperialism, and has killed at least five people in active combat) I truly believed we could build a wonderful future together, and went ahead with my plan to reveal my identity.

The ball was both fantastic and disastrous. My dramatic reveal involved a concerto composed specially for this occasion, the release of live doves throughout the palace halls (our mages talk with them individually to acquire their consent for the performance) and an incredible outfit. So even if people think I'm an asshole at least I looked great.

My fiance, however, fled the ball with no explanation. When I finally was able to speak to her she was distraught and struggling to articulate why. My childhood friend/head of staff (31F) suggested that she felt betrayed due to me lying about my identity. I feel as if I've hidden nothing from her save my title; in fact, I've been very clear that I handle the day-to-day operations of my citystate and am far more than just a figurehead. I've been able to be more genuine with her than perhaps anyone else I've ever known.

After a while my fiance finally spoke to me again, but is now cold and distant. She still claims to want to go ahead with the wedding but... I don't know. Rumor from the servants via her handmaiden is that now she only wants to marry me to please her country, which is EVEN WORSE than how we started! I just wanted to get to know her without the pressure of an arranged marriage! And also do a cool musical number!

AITA?? Is there any saving our relationship???

TWO MONTH LATER UPDATE: turns out the reason she was upset was that she was sent to assassinate the Archon, but had fallen in love with me before knowing my identity. So she's both the assassin who attempted to kill me AND the woman who saved me because she felt guilty. I hate this stupid fucking prophecy tree.

[pagerunner-j]

This is valid. At the same time, I think it's also natural for people to work through their feelings and try to reconcile the read they'd had on someone like this. The key point is that it better not be coming from a place of "I called it, I knew he sucked, I was right" -- because that's just self-centered, self-congratulatory arrogance. But at the very least, well, it's a vibe check. It's a learning experience, even if what you're learning is horrible.

I've been through something similar before, unfortunately. A couple cases were with people I did personally know, at least to some extent, and those were the hardest. Some rambling ahead, because I want to get a little of this off my chest. Trigger warnings for several flavors of badness.

In one case, someone in a band I'd loved turned out to be a violent sexual abuser, and I didn't see it coming, despite having been casually familiar with the guy for some time (even if our conversations were only sporadic). I still feel horrible about that, years later. I feel awful for the women he mistreated. I feel stupid for missing the signs. For a while, I even felt, however twisted this might be, kind of like a lesser person for not being more on his radar, if that makes any sense. Like, if he'd ever tried being a creep at me, at least I would have KNOWN, but I guess I wasn't appealing enough to target. Yay? Guess I suck? Ugh. These are the dumb things our minds do to us sometimes, I guess. Anyway, I had one deeply depressing afternoon of sorting out all my memorabilia, including several personal notes from the guy, and hauling them all up to the dumpster. Into the trash with you, asshole.

I still catch myself humming a line or two from his band's songs sometimes, though, and feel sick and sad all over again.

In another case, someone I'd been friendly with online who worked on a game I'd loved turned out to be...well, in a pretty similar category of asshole. The difference is that shortly after his misdeeds got aired, he committed suicide. Again, when all this started, I felt disgusted, betrayed, incredibly uncomfortably like I'd dodged a bullet, like a complete idiot, and also guilty that I was making it about me (see above re: the kind of mental churn that was going on) when others had it worse. And only a couple days later, I had to deal with the tragedy of his death, because he was still a talented guy with the capability to make beautiful things, and sadness about losing a friend. I lost him on multiple levels, really. He's gone, and the idea I had of him is gone and replaced with something worse, and the kind things he said to me when I needed them are changed irrevocably now, and a whole goddamn lot of trust is gone, when I didn't have much left to begin with. And I mean: how was this happening AGAIN?

(By awful coincidence, all of that was also going on while my mom had landed in the hospital for one of her multitude of medical emergencies, which made everything suck way worse. I note that she's gone now, too. And that relationship was plenty complicated in its own way, too -- not the same category by any means, just complicated -- although I am NOT getting into that here. Point is: this shit's hard, especially when it's people you care about.)

As I recall, that second story was unfolding around the same time as BWF's first big wave of Twitter drama. For the most part, I filed it under "Twitter's gonna Twitter" and didn't follow it too closely, because I had, obviously, other things to worry about. Still, I'd probably, finally, picked up enough cynicism and paranoia by then that some of it bled into my perception of him. It was enough for some caution. Still, I didn't tilt fully into "okay, something is OFF' until later. Weirdly -- because I guess I'm still fucking dumb and want to trust people -- that part didn't really kick in until I tried watching a couple of his solo streams on Twitch. I can't point to anything specific, but something about the vibe was so different when it was just him unfiltered and left to his own devices. It didn't take long before I just plain felt uneasy. I stopped watching. Never really went back.

And that's what I'm thinking about now. Fool me twice, shame on me, plenty of shame applies, but the third -- at least I'd learned something by the third. I might not have had cause to specifically predict this kind of incident because I'm not privy to his personal life, and don't want to be, but when this came up tonight, what I felt was not exactly surprise.

I'm so fucking sad and angry and I'm so fucking sick of this and of men in general being horrible, but yeah. Not exactly surprised.

Please, just...stop being horrible.

Friendly reminder that posting about how you “never liked BWF” or how “it isn’t that surprising given how often he flies off the handle on Twitter” doesn’t help the situation and ignores how good abusers are at hiding their behavior.

The best thing for fans to do right now is respect her privacy by not speculating about her personal life

[havg02]

'Penelope being mean' issue (obvs spoilers)

I think this is a thought that may have passed by in everyone's heads once and it's also what I've seen people often comment about, that Penny acts quite 'selfish' and mean in the story, such as making Callisto wait instead of quickly getting married after finally killing Leila and being snappy with him sometimes, and while Iklies has done wrong things until the end, she also has neglected him by not seeing him regularly and used him--and this would understandably make some people quite upset at her.

But it has to be remembered that Penny--no, specifically Cha Siyeon lived in a neglectful and mean family throughout her whole life. I'm not sure what you would feel after being stripped of any sort love and someone suddenly showed it to you one day, though I think most people would be flustered/strangely uncomfortable/unsure about it, and shy away/avoid it. That being said, affection and love is completely foreign to her, which is why she's so awkward around the Duke and others--especially when they speak so sincerely caring to her. She has friends and can talk to people fine but family and romantic relationships are out of the question, something that friendly relationships are very different to.

Siyeon being snappy to Callisto was an act of nervousness and annoyance on why he was still close to her, like get away and leave me alone so you don't kill me. If you knew someone as who only killed the character you reincarnated in, you'd also want them to leave you alone and not do anything to do with them. Not to mention, she had only knew Callisto for like year and that's way too quick to get into a full relationship and get married tbh. Also Si yeon has always wanted to become an archeologist but wasn't able to since her studies was stopped when she moved into Penny's body so while she's still a student, she most definitely would want to continue to her studies like anyone who has a strong goal that they'd put before anything else like her would.

If anything, I think that's a great idea, to take the time to fully know him without the worry of Leila in the way. As for Iklies, as much as I hated him for betraying her, I still can't brush aside that he didn't mean to do it to get her killed/fully betray her for Ivonne so.....I feel very sorry for him still, since he just wanted to make a plan to get her out of the mansion (ignoring the fact he wanted her dependent on him) but he didn't know that Siyeon wasn't ready to really make that decision to leave home. While the Eckarts are terrible, Siyeon's original was even more worse in my opinion, like; her getting physically hurt and the father saying her achievements weren't good enough--even the Duke wouldn't let Penny go through that or undermine her talent, and might actually be impressed instead since og Penny never really did anything accomplishing?

So meanwhile in her stay at the mansion, she starts to experience real affection by the Duke who starts to open up now that she has reached out to him first (although it's only to survive) and I say mainly Duke bc he's the one she thought of whenever the topic of leaving the duchy comes up and he's the only one she got most proper love from. Therefore that has made her subconsciously start to want to stay since she's deprived of love but also want to still run away as he has abused her/penny (same thing since she's a reincarnated penny), though that would've been great if she made that clear to Iklies who may of would've of thought of a better idea instead of leaving him confused why she wanted to stay.

But then again, Siyeon is not really a talker but a do-er and it's not like she can open up to anyone either due to trust issues, consequently causing so many problems as you see in the novel. In conclusion, I don't think Penny should be seen as selfish for all of that, after all she's a victim of neglect, verbal and mental abuse, and suffers a lot of problem as a result. Not to mention you'd gain a bit of temper after that kind of treatment, like Callisto who's known to be scary bc of his fierce vibes to ward off assassins? Although it isn't canonically discussed in the novel, it does kind of make her actions plausible/relatable so it'd be nice if people understood her feelings than the ML's who would've still killed the og Penny even without Leila's brainwashing.

[musclesandhammering]

Every Single Issue I Have With S*lki (It’s Not Just The Selfcest)

Here goes. I threatened to post this a few days ago and never did, but I just saw a s*lki stan Twitter account claim that Loki caring about Sylvie more than the whole multiverse was a Good And Romantic thing and it pushed me over the fucking edge, so now you all have to read this. I’ve divided it into categories cause there’s just THAT much.

OOC Bullshit

• First and foremost, no amount of mental gymnastics you do will ever make me believe that this specific Loki- the one that just invaded New York, that just came off a year of Thanos Torture, that just got done being influenced by the sceptre, that was literally in the middle of a crisis already, and then on top of that went through all the trauma of Ep 1- would even be worried about a romantic relationship. That would be the furthest thing from his mind. Go back and watch how he acted in Avengers- you think that guy would abandon his previous mission to become a snivelling simp for a girl he’d just met 3 days prior? Yeah, there’s no universe in which that makes sense.

• “It’s very in character for Loki to fall in love with himself lololol-“ NO, it’s literally not. Out of all the characters in the mcu, I don’t think I can think of anyone that genuinely hates themselves more than Loki. He even referred to all his other male variants as “monsters” and said meeting them was “a nightmare” in this series. He’s got so much self-loathing, plus the fact that he genuinely thinks himself to be an evil backstabbing scourge- so there’s no evidence at all suggesting that he would ever develop a fondness for, or even be inclined to trust, another version of himself, after only knowing them for 3 days.

• Building on that, the whole concept of Loki falling in love with a version of himself just feeds into the annoying ass misconception that he’s a narcissist. No matter which way you stack it, he’s not. If you’re referring to NPD, he doesn’t fit the criteria, and if you’re saying “narcissist” just as a slang term meaning “selfish and arrogant”, that still doesn’t accurately describe him. But when creators like Waldron and Herron do things like having him fall in love with himself, it makes it so much easier for casual viewers to think that he is.

Shitty LGBT Rep

• It’s kinda sus that Loki’s are allegedly genderfluid and yet the only female-presenting variant we see (and apparently the only female-presenting variant there is, cause the male Loki’s all seemed unfamiliar with the concept) is treated as some kind of mind-bogglingly special paradox. Also very sus that, out of all the Loki variants, the one our Loki falls in love with just so happens to be the only female one. What a coincidence.

• The fact that the creators of the show went around bragging about Loki’s bisexuality and Marvel purposefully (lbr) allowed stories about Loki possibly having a male love interest to circulate, specifically enticing queer viewers to watch the show (you know, the definition of queerbaiting), and then instead of having a male love interest (Loki was the first queer main character, so it was the perfect opportunity) they gave us *gestures to this dumpster fire* this… it’s just a middle finger to LGBT fans. The fact that they would rather have this relationship with all its myriad of problems than have a gay relationship is just……. Very telling.

• While him being with a woman obviously doesn’t refute his bisexuality, the fact that they showed/talked about him being interested in 3 different women (flight attendant, Sylvie, Sif) and never even hinted at him being attracted to a man, definitely makes it seem like they were trying to cover up his bisexuality to smooth things over with the more homophobic viewers. You know? It’s like “I know you’re pissed that we sorta confirmed Loki as bi, so we promise we’ll never mention it again! Or even hint at it! As a matter of fact, we’ll give him lots of female lovies and make him seem as straight as possible! That’ll take your mind off of that horrible crumb of queer rep, right? Please please please keep giving us your money!!!”

• Aside from all the other issues, at its core, the biggest reason why I think I’m so irritated with s*lki is that it took one of the most interesting, complex, and diverse characters in cinema atm and squished him into a tired ass unnecessary heteronormative subplot…. Like literally every. single. other. protagonist. ever. Loki is such a unique character, and it’s so so so incredibly disappointing that they stuck him into that same boring cookie cutter romance that happens to every other character in every other movie I’ve ever seen. It’s a disservice, and it’s honestly just not compelling or entertaining at all.

Thematic Issues Galore

• His arc didn’t need a romance. With anyone. It was unnecessary and it didn’t make sense plot-wise. In fact, one of the reasons he was my fav prior to this was because he was the only big-name mcu character whose story wasn’t muddied-up by a romance that didn’t need to be there. So much for that.

• He wasn’t emotionally ready for a romantic relationship with anyone. Hell, just a genuine friendship would’ve been pushing it for him at this point. He was in such a bad state that any relationship he got into would’ve been toxic and unhealthy for both him and the other person, and it doesn’t make sense why the writers would want to put him in one when there were so many cons and essentially no pros (other than “Uwu aren’t they cute together”).

• Sylvie’s character in general was unnecessary and Loki’s character was robbed just by her being there. The whole show became about her post-Ep 2. They spent most of the time giving her backstory, building her up, telling us how awesome she is, trying to convince us to like her, etc when what they really needed to be doing was building Loki up- cause I gotta say, if I had to describe TVA!Loki in a few words, they would be Flat, Boring, and Weak.

• The romance overtakes the plot. They spend time portraying their supposed connection that could’ve been spent adding depth and complexity to literally any of the characters. They make the big Nexus Event them giving each other googly eyes on Lamentis when it could’ve been so many other way more profound things that speak to the fundamental nature of Loki’s. They have the climax of the finale be “oh no she betrayed him to kill He Who Remains” when it could’ve been something way more compelling (Loki having a moral crisis over whether or not to kill HWR, Loki contemplating the state of the multiverse and weighing the pros and cons of freedom vs order, Loki looking into some What If situations and getting emotional about what could’ve been regarding his family, Loki realising the gravity of HWR’s offer and finally coming to terms with how important he is to the universal cycle, etc etc). The entire plot suffered in favour of a romance that half of us didn’t even want.

• It essentially reduced all of Loki’s potential character growth down to “He did it for his crush.” He seemed to at least have some motivations of his own in Ep 1-2 (feeble as they were) but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, literally every action he took was just him being a simp for her. Why did he lie in the interrogation? To try to protect Sylvie. Why did he fight the minutemen and Timekeepers? To survive kinda, but mostly cause it was important to Sylvie. Why did he get pruned? Cause he got distracted trying to confess his crush to Sylvie. Why did he try to get out of The Void? Cause he thought Sylvie needed him. Why did he stay in The Void? Cause Sylvie was staying. Why did he try to enchant Alioth? Cause Sylvie told him to. Why did the multiverse get cracked open, leading to an infinite number of Kangs waging war on all of existence? Cause Loki didn’t wanna hurt Sylvie in their fight at the Citadel and then get distracted by her kissing him. It’s uninteresting and honestly pretty embarrassing.

• Throughout their “relationship arc” the writers do their absolute damndest to convince us that we should like Sylvie more than Loki. And you know what? It’s the most hypocritical shit I’ve ever seen. They preach and preach about how Sylvie’s life has been so difficult/we should feel bad for her/she had it so bad/poor poor sylvie/she had it SO much worse than pampered prince Loki…. But then they never even touch on any of Loki’s trauma of hardships (the ones that have been ignored for literally 3 movies now). They frame Sylvie as a good person and a Freedom Fighter after she spent literal decades/centuries mass-murdering brainwashed TVA agents and showing exactly zero remorse for it….. but then they make it their mission to constantly remind us that Loki is a terrible person and constantly put him in situations where he’s forced to acknowledge his wrongdoings/show remorse/admit to how “evil” he is for being a mass murderer for like 2 years. They show him on-screen having a wider range of powers than her, and perpetuate his whole shtick of being a “master manipulator” or whatever….. But then they make Sylvie “the brawn” more competent, intelligent, and physically capable than him. Tell me how it’s a good thing for a ship to be so narratively biased toward one character.

Missed Opportunities

• If they absolutely had to have a romance subplot, then they could’ve paired Loki with one of the characters that have already been established OR one of the characters that were a big part of the whole TVA storyline anyway. It would’ve been so interesting if they’d revealed that Loki had a history with some of the players from previous films (Sif and Fandral both come to mind). It also would’ve been really interesting if they’d given Loki a love interest that actually had some allegiance to the TVA as a whole (Mobius maybe, but not necessarily. It also could’ve been Renslayer or B-15). Hell, imo it would’ve been cool if they’d followed through with that “See you again someday” line that he said to the flight attendant in Ep 1. ALL of these characters have way more chemistry with him than Sylvie, and they were also already relevant to the plot without wasting half the show to give background info on them.

• If they absolutely had to have a hetero-presenting love story involving an enchantress-type figure, then there’s a whole Enchantress (Amora) that was actually Loki’s love interest in the comics. Plus, fans have been screaming for Amora to appear in the mcu for years. Plus, Tom literally pitched an Amora/Loki storyline way back in 2012-13. Also, Lorelei (another enchantress) is also one of Loki’s love interests in the comics, and she already exists in the mcu (she was on Agents of SHIELD). There were several different established characters for them to choose from. Creating a whole knew amalgamation of a character and going with the “she’s a Loki variant” storyline was just completely unnecessary and made no sense.

• They completely robbed us of a Chaos Twins dynamic. Had they handled Sylvie better and not forced her and Loki to smooch, the two of them could’ve had a really really complex and interesting sibling relationship. Loki could’ve stepped into Thor’s shoes and sort of used that new role to gain some self importance, and Sylvie could’ve finally had somebody to look out for her/teach her magic/be there for her. It would’ve been very aesthetically pleasing, the vibes would’ve been out of this world, it would’ve been way more profound than this bs, and frankly it would’ve been much more entertaining to watch.

• Loki’s relationship (read: obsession) with Sylvie completely overshadows all Loki’s other relationships in the show. Loki and Mobius were literally the focal point of the series in Ep 1-2, but after Sylvie showed up in Ep 3, they barely had any interactions with each other, and Mobius pretty much faded to the background entirely. Loki had the beginnings of a pretty interesting antagonistic relationship with Renslayer (with her wanting him pruned, then arguing with Mobius that he couldn’t be trusted), but after Sylvie showed up the dynamic shifted to focus on the history between her and Ravonna. Loki and B-15 started off very badly and openly disliked each other throughout Ep 1-2, and then in the end of Ep 2, Loki showed a little bit of concern for her when she was possessed, hinting that they might be inching toward a reconciliation- especially considering how obvious it was that Loki was gonna uncover the TVA’s sins eventually. There was so much potential for him to be the one to give her her memories back and convince her to change sides, but no, of course that honor went to Sylvie. In fact, after Sylvie showed up, Loki and B-15 never even spoke to each other again.

Various S*lki Fails

• If they were trying to convince us that this affection was mutual, they completely failed. There’s nothing I’ve seen that even hints at Sylvie feeling the same way about Loki that he does about her. At most, I’d say she has a slight endearment to him. She finds him likeable and she’s grudgingly fond of him, but she definitely isn’t in love with the guy. Maybe she thinks he’s cute and hopes that he gets out of this mess alright, but her mission obviously comes before him- whereas, it’s been confirmed multiple times that Loki cares about her above anything else. She doesn’t trust him, she looks at him like he’s an incompetent fool half the time, she shows little to no reaction during most of his confession moments, and she kissed him as a means to distract him so that she could get him out of her way. Look, all I’m saying is, when you get into a relationship where one of you is way more invested than the other, it never ends well.

• This goes without saying for a lot of us, but the selfcest is just straight up odd and cringey. If you’re cool with that sort of thing, fine! People can ship what they want! But don’t pretend it’s not at least a little bit uncomfortable. Yes, I know they’re not technically siblings so it’s not technically incest, and they’re also not technically the exact same person, but they’re similar enough that it makes things weird. And yes I know selfcest can’t happen in real life, so there’s no way to judge it morally, but neither can most of the other stuff that happens in these shows/movies (the Snap, Loki destroying jotunheim, superhero with powers being held accountable, mind control) and yet we still find ways to judge their morality, because they all mirror real-world events. (The snap= genocide; Loki destroying Jotunheim= bombing other countries; superhero accountability= weapons accountability; mind control= grooming and coercion). And lbr the closest real-world mirror to two versions of the same person (who may or may not share DNA, family, backgrounds, physical and emotion characteristics) being romantically involved with one another is incest. And you can be ok with that if you want- that’s your prerogative- but don’t get pissy just cause a lot of us are squicked out by it.

• The whole mirror metaphor (learning self love via each other) thing just fell completely flat. First of all, having Loki learn to love himself by looking at someone who mirrors him did not, in any way shape or form, require them to be romantically involved. But they were. Of course. Secondly, the creators have contradicted themselves so many times on whether Loki and Sylvie are the same or not, that it doesn’t even really register to the viewer that the mirroring thing was what they were going for. Finally, Loki and Sylvie are shown to have so little in common- and to have only the most bare minimum of similarities personality-wise- that it doesn’t even make sense that Loki would “learn to love himself through loving her”. Like? They’re nothing alike. So how would he make the connection that he himself is actually pretty cool, based on her alone? There’s virtually nothing in her that reflects him.

• I know the objective of the entire show was to convince us of how awesome and unique Sylvie is, but honestly her relationship with Loki just did the opposite. A hallmark of a Mary Sue is having her constantly upstage the male lead, and then having him instantly fall madly in love with her anyway. And that’s.. exactly what happened here. Everything they’re doing to try to force her character to be more stan-able is really just forcing her to look more like their self-insert OC. Which is exactly what she is. It would’ve been so much more satisfying if she didn’t have to try so hard to look cool, if they didn’t have to try so hard to make her backstory tear-inducing, if they didn’t have to turn our protagonist into a snivelling simp just to prove how incredible she supposedly is. Very much #GirlBoss energy and we all know how performative and cheap that is.

• The entire thing was too rushed, there was too little build-up, and it was nowhere near believable. As stated above, it’s ridiculously unlikely that Loki would canonically even be interested in Sylvie, and this show did nothing to explain why he was. He just suddenly was. There was nothing they showed us as viewers that would justify a guy as closed-off and preoccupied as Loki falling head-over-heels for a girl he just met. Their was no explanation, no big revelation, no reasoning, it just… kinda happened. And I’m also severely skeptical of any love story that has the characters go in this deep after only 3 45-minute episodes of exposition.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, so if anyone thinks of anything, let me know and I’ll be more than happy to add it. Tagging @janetsnakehole02 @raifenlf @natures-marvel and @brightredsunset800 for expressing interest. This is all your faults.