#and im like. mostly fine now.
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you might see me "posting" but actually i am fighting for my life
#zeph posting#covid decided to flare up my muscle disorder and breathing was hard for a while there#slightly worse than the worst its ever gotten with solely the muscle shit. and that freaked me out#but also it was clearly like 75% muscular so its not like im going to go to the hospital or some shit when its going to go away#but the muscle stuff makes my intercostal muscles seize up somewhat and its not fun#and i cant do my main way to deal with it rn and so i had to make do with heating pads and an ice pack#and im like. mostly fine now.#but im definitely out of it from pain and sick#yes im posting no im not paying attention#i vaguely understand that misha fucked up but i am quite literally in too much pain and too sick to even process anything#yes im posting no i have no idea what im reblogging seconds later
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thoughts, repeating.
#art#sketch#digital art#ocd#wish i could clear my brain cache sometimes!#but no instead everything that ever happens to me is a cognitohazard#anything can be my brain's favourite chew toy#there's nothing more to extract from that thought but sure let's run into it like a knife a million times#and it becomes habit that reinforces itself. i will wake up thinking thank god im not having the thought right now! oh! surprise!#i don't wish my memory was worse but i wish it knew how to let go#one beautiful day when im in a place more long term i will find a therapist that can help hopefully#also im doing fine mostly!!!!!!#ive been meaning to draw this for a while just havent had the time and im slowly smoothing it over
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we talk all the time about how those characters would NOT be having well negotiated kinky sex, but i think of all the mxtx couples moshang would really benefit from a beginners course in bdsm or at the very least they should read a manuel and draw up a contract, like given their history, their communication styles, and their dynamic at the end of the novel, it would be a net positive for them
#im not say thing that they ARE i am saying that they SHOULD#i also this were they to do this#there is a high likelihood that they’d actually stick to it#like i think clearly stating boundaries and establishing safe words would obvs help#but also like i think sqh is genuinely fine with mbj roughing him up they just need it in writing that it’s like#fine now and that they’re both on board#so yeah i think they’d try it and they’d never go back they’re basically already in a D/s relationship in canon it’s just not negotiated#for the record i also think bingqiu would benefit greatly from the same classes + contract#but there’s no way sqq would sit thru the embarrassing process (it’s not embarrassing he just has a face of tissue paper)#and afterwards it wouldn’t matter bc they wouldn’t stick to it anyway (sqq’s fault mostly…)#anyways#svsss#moshang#shang qinghua#mobei jun
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OOH YEAH BABY ITS THE SURGERY EPISODE BABY!!! ME AND THE HOMIES NEED SOME NEW FACES FOR OUR NEW PLAN, AND WHO BETTER TO GET THE JOB DONE THAN THE TWO MOST EVIL PEOPLE WE'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING OUR LIVES VIOLATED BY? I MEAN IT WOULD BE FUNNY. IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw blood#cw gore#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#vex waylin#viv waylin#MY FAVORIT EP!! HAVNT SEEN IT IN FOREVER THO BC WELL. IM BUSY. SO BEAR W ME IM RUNNIN OFF ALOTTA MEMORY FUMES#ALSO EDIT BC FUUUCK I HADMORE TAGS BUT TUMBLR FUCKEN ATE EM. OH WELL. MY DMS R OPEN IF U WANNA UNLOCK RAMBLES.#I LOVE THE WAYLIN TWINS SSSOO FUCKING MUCH IM SO!!! CURIOUS ABOUT THEM!!! WHO WERE THEY WHEN THEY WERE HUMAN? HOW LONGVE THEY BEEN ARND?#I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY ITS LIKE THESE TWO WERE MADE FOR MMEE BC YES!! YES!! ITS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT FROMA CHARACTER!!!#I LOVE THEIR RED WHITE N BLACK COLOR SCHEME. I LOVE HOW THEYRE BOTH SO INTELLIGENT AND GENIUS N YET THEYRE DUMB AS FUUUUCK#COOOMICAL SUPER VILLAINS. OOH ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME SHAMIA SHAMAI!!! HOW DARE YOU FOIL MY PLAN!! MY PLANS OF MUTILATING AWAKE N ALIVE PPL#COMICAL AND YET. GENUINELY HORRIFYING. VIV CAN MAKE UR BONES EXPLODE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. VEX CAN BECOME SOUP#WHY DONT WE TALK ABOUT THAT MORE? THE TURNING INTO RED MEAT SLIME?? METAL AS FUUUCK. I ALSO LOVE HOW SCARED THEY GOT SO QUICKLY#THIS LIL FUCKEN RRRRRAT COMES IN. AND WELL. HES JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS. WE FUCK HIM UP N TOSS HIM INTO THE SUN N LET HIM BURN#SURE HE HAD ONE MORE TRICK OF REBELLION UP HIS SLEEVE BUT THE SUN HAS TAKEN HIM NOW. ITS FINE. WE'RE FINE. HEY IS THERE SMTH IN THE CEILING#OHHH WE KILLED HIM ONCE N HE CAME BACK. WE KILLED HIM AGAIN N TOOK HIM APART BUT THEN HES BACK?? HE GETS AWAY AND THEN. COMES BACK. AGAIN.#WE CANT GET RID OF HIM. THAT FOUL SHAMIA SHAMAI. A MOUSE IN OUR KITCHEN. FUUUUCK HES GONNA SPREAD DISEASE! KILL IT! KILL IT!! AAAUUGH FUCK!#I LOVE THAT THE WAYLIN TWINS AGREED TO HELP THE BLONDE TWINS MOSTLY ON THE BASIS OF 'IT WOULD BE FUNNY' BUT ALSO#OOHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE TO REACHING SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NNEEVER FUCK WITH US AGAIN. HIS ILLUSIONS WILL HAUNT US NO LONGER#THEY WERE SSSOOO PARANOID W ALL THE CAMERAS AND BOMBING THEIR OWN LAB AND RUNNING AND RUNNING AND GETTING AWWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN! MOUSE!!!!#OHHHH I THINK IM RUNNIN OUTA ROOM so ill talk about da art real quick.BEEN WORKIN ON THIS FOR A WHIIILE.ALOTTA THESE were started when the#ep came out.so OLD!! BUT DONE!!and im very very happy w my colors n gore n EXPRESSIONS!! the top right corner comic keeps making me chuckle#I ALSO rly love the lil convo between arthur n viv.theyre SO CUTE TOGETHERR they should go ona museum date together or somethin#they need more time to just talk abt da World together.ALSO CAN I BE PETTY.I MADE ARTHUR UGLY CORRECT-STYLE#THESE BOYS KNOW NOTHING OF UGLY.I MADE THE VAMPIRIC FLESH EVOLVE N ROT N BLOSSOM AND THERE IS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE TENEBRAE#UHHH IEAH THIS GUY W A ROTTED N DISTORTED FACE WALKS INTO MY BIKE STORE IEAH IM SCREAAAMIN LIKE WADDA HELL!! MONSTOR!!!
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…. forced myself to power through the third merguru part and now the fic is sitting at 8k ish ………
#:’)#i’m…. exhausted ……..#it was going good for a while but now i’m like ……….#hhhhhh#gonna try to work on it a little every day this week!!!!!#as long as i can get a rough draft i should be fine :’)#then i can spend some time polishing it and making sure everything is . Good ….#rn i’m mostly worried abt things not . Making sense ……#from a story and character standpoint#im just sitting here with my head in my hands like wahhhh he wouldn’t be that honest with you would he…..#:’))#anyway . goodnight dash!!! i love u!!!!!#ari noises ✩
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touched up some daisy, daisy fanart i made at least a year ago but never got to post
#i have so much scattered around but its mostly sketches and i drew them different#way back then#the hev suit was a bit funny before i changed it. i hadnt look at a reference yet lol#ill include a link to the fic in the notes but be aware that its abandoned. but its my favorite fic ever#hlvrai#eyestrain#maybe? idk ppl say bright red is hard to use. looks fine to me but just to be safe#half life vr but the ai is self aware#benrey#gordos freeman#my art#OH FUCK OH SHIT it looks way different on my phone FUCK#i was right to tag eyestrain#but i dont feel like changing the drawing#did noooooot expect this post to get so many notes#i put way more time into the other daisy daisy fanart i posted lol#this one was so old. definitely one of the first times i had drawn them#was not used to drawing facial hair. im still not but now i get that you just kinda fuck around and see what happens#like lots of art goes
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trying 2 figure out her stupid fuckig hairrr...
#immmmm getting there.. igotta give her th dumb anime floof now too since iguess thats what im doing w All of my favs.#much like the hair swirly..........#i like how i draw her eyes + expressions. outfit is mostly fine if a bit abbreviated. (<- icould get more fun w it) its just her /hair.../#the balance of Feathery but Flufy but Round but Not Too Flat. auhg. girlie ur killin me...#pikart#projmoon#the difficulty with feathery is that if i do it wrong it gets angular and then she just looks like. well. yknow. oops#. who i ALSO have to figure out. grabs and SHAKES#anyway behind the scenes artist rambles or something Its The Difficulties(tm)
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one year ago today.
#i really miss him just as much now as i did the day after#like its less intensely painful but i MISS him#when your pet is like your best friend.... he was just a little bird but he was like my world#so im fine really but it doesnt ever stop feeling so wrong#i went back and read my jounral entry from the day before and after and god#i dont know#one day i'll be able to remember him and feel mostly happy instead of so sad. looking forward to that day its what he deserves#allen
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astarion was lying about the true vampire thing cause i may not be afflicted with vampirism but i am afflicted with shitty rolls
#got a crick in the neck and now all my rolls are bad which i guess is true to life#i was like ohhh itll be fine its just a -1 and im not even blaming the lil debuff my rolls are just BAD now#i drafted this just this morning so ive overcome the hardships and terrors (mostly) but i still stand by what i said at the moment#kae.txt#bg3 spoilers#ig
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this may be controversial but maybe the "astarion and halsin are SO sexually traumatised that you should literally cut your own dick off before thinking abt them romantically you disgusting freaks" goon squad should consider the ramifications of essentially insisting assault survivors be permanently excluded from any kind of sex and romance bc they are too broken and stupid to be trusted to know their own desires and boundaries or have the capacity to want to explore/push them.
you know real survivors (not pixel men but real ppl like me!) can read that shit? do you think pushing the lie that encountering one (1) Genital Wielded With Intent will invariably cause us to crumble to a miserably weepy heap of dust and blow away in the breeze is appreciated or helpful? or implying the people that love or desire us are selfish at best and outright predators at worst?
i'm begging ppl to just be 2% normal about abuse survivors PLEASE. the characters aren't real but the attitude you drag from fandom back into the real world are.
#im a long term csa survivor and a 2x rape survivor. i'm now 30yo and live completely free of my trauma in a loving committed relationship#wanna know how i did it? mostly by exploring sex and intimacy on my own terms (including casual sex + kink as well as writing)#you know why i dont talk abt it even though it doesn't bother me? bc i hate the sudden change in how people treat me#like im a cross between a fabergé egg and a hand grenade. get fucked bro for REAL#obviously everyone processes this shit differently but god i am so tired of 'well meaning' disk horsers saying some googoo gaga nonsense#anyway im not tagging this but its fine to rb/interact with.#and YES other survivor spreading this crap this is a direct @ for you too! i'm spraying you with a water gun like a misbehaving cat
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hi guys i was in an accident and had to be in the hospital for a while but im home now
#stressful bday month but we r back hello#had to get some meds out of my system but im alright now#my surgeries went well and physically my injuries r like a bad bike accident but ye nothing bad my face is fine now too mostly#got bumped to the side and broke my face and arm#something w my hip but it healed itself didnt break or smn#school on pause dont have to go so ill have time to relax anyway#reblogged some stuff in the hospital too which is funny bc i don’t remember when or that i did it after the accident but i remember#actually doing it#hopefully i can put this whole experience behind me now#i have some therapy recommended but thats understandable#it was worse than what im describing rn but i dont remember anyway it was just rough as a whole#my memories sorrounding it r vague and little but thats normal#acute stress phase but i think we avoided it becoming ptsd#i survived and thats what matters#shout out to the doctors that saved me#mostly from drowning in blood
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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opened up to my principal about my seasonal affective disorder during our meeting today and she was very sympathetic and clearly wanted to try and offer advice bc she was like "try to keep busy! i find keeping busy helps me when i'm in a slump!!" like thank you queen you are the best boss i've ever had but i don't have the heart to explain to you that keeping busy is not the solution to my I Want To Kill Myself For All Of Winter disorder
#how to tell your boss that in fact work is part of the reason you feel like a shell of yourself rn. with pictures#i mean like ultimately i'm fine. i've been managing with my SAD for years now this is just a particularly rough go of it#it makes my suicide-themed intrusive thoughts more common which is mostly annoying but IS also exhausting#auuuuugh. im going to bring my lightbox to work i think so that i can go lizard mode earlier in the morning
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i was thinking about that post a little more re: sampo being a part of the masked fools or even the stellaron hunters so i'm trying to keep my eyes peeled for some evidence for both sides
For the Stellaron Hunters, the only things I can really come up with is the Stellaron Hunter Logs in the Data Bank, with the name "Sam..." written down but trailing off
as well as trying to find some connection with the name "Epsilon" during his scene at the end of the Belobog arc, with Epsilon being the fifth letter of the Greek alphabet and there being 5 people known in the Stellaron Hunters: Blade, Silver Wolf, Sam (?), Kafka, and Elio.
As for the Masked Fools, using the same screenshot as above, the quote "True happiness always entails the manifestaton of the dignity of mankind" highlights the drive/motivations of Aha the Elation, with happiness being the true meaning of existence for humanity. The Masked Fools take this an extra step to seek out happiness by stirring trouble wherever they can.
There's also this tavern he mentions on his farewell to the unknown person
In the Simulated Universe, a tavern is also mentioned known as Tavern World's End, belonging to the Masked Fools.
Personally, I feel like there's a lot more argument for Sampo being a part of the Masked Fools here, but not against him being a Stellaron Hunter just yet. Just need more proof is all
#hsr notes#hi sorry im coming back to make a rather lengthy post orz#alskdjfah unfortunately hsr is like the One Thing thats making me chill through all this ✌🏼#double Most Unfortunate that its mostly be gluing my eyeballs on this guy ahaha oops#idk if anyone wrote this out yet#i havent looked deeply into the theories for hsr...yet#ive only seen the ones for sampo being either/or and i ran into the tavern scene last night#so i was like oh! i can compile this now! excellent!#soooo here we are#honkai star rail#sampo koski#id love for others to give me some extra proof if they found any! just compile all of it lmao#snow speaks#'is it too early to be making this post?' its nearly 7 am its fine dont worry about it i have brainwormies
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booked a hotel and got the concert ticket aghhhh
#i talk#still gotta get the train ticket too but mannn i get way too worked up over this stuff#been procrastinating it for like a month now like i Want to go but there are so many unknown variables and that shit is scary#first time going to a concert in another country alone and i spent a lil more than i wouldve wanted but hopefully its gonna be worth it#and like im most likely completely overthinking this (as i do most things) and everythings gonna be completely fine#but ahh so many what if's so much uncertainty#but im also excited its like a tiny step outside of my comfort zone and you gotta start somewhere bc id love to travel alone more#(mostly bc i wanna travel but dont have anyone to go with but thats a whole other thing)#and ive been rly into this band for a few years now and i really want this chance to see them live bc theres prob not gonna be another one#(watch them come to my city next year lmaoo)#god im not made for this but do it scared!! do it alone!! i want to experience more things in life!!#ive literally talked to my therapist about this extensively and to several coworkers and everyones like do it! its a great first step!#went through every thing that could go wrong (but very likely will not) and alternatives for every situation
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everyday I wonder to myself If I should make content of that one controversial ship I like, but then I wonder if it'd bring more harm than good, like is it worth it or is it just one of those things that I should enjoy on the back of my head with myself
#crepe talks#by the way im not talking about rusame#this post is about brusa#like it is enjoyable in theory like my brain gets a certain dose of dopamine thinking up of concepts#but then i think of that time the irl us literally screwed latin america with operation condor and etc#and then i go 'is this what im doing ethical? like shouldn't i be hating this thing for what happened in my country?'#anyway pls dont take this post seriously this is mostly an internal monologue written out#i wrote it bc im bored#ramble#i still like the ship i did it for almost a decade now#its just funny in a twisted way how kind of grim the relationship between those two countries is irl#the human AU's are still fine tho ig#tw politics#i think
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