#and if they were they don’t communicate it well at any point (????)

[pupslimes]

how easy you are to need part 1

so. inspiration struck. blame haz for how long this is he infected me with the making stories a million pages bug. thank you to like all 5 of the people who read this before i posted it. anyways id like to present what i think is tumblrs first grizz x reader. definitely its first biz x grizz x reader because ive been scouring for that shit. love you guys!

.............................................................................

It was a good session again. Of course, anything Nate DM’ed was going to be great, but every session felt better than the last. You hadn’t expected to become a recurring character on Riptide when Nate had invited you to join at an open audition you met at, but you were more than excited to be. You didn’t expect all your nervous ramblings to end up taking you anywhere past an Instagram follow at best. But after you hopped down from the stage, Nate had booked it over. “I don’t even care if either of us get the part anymore,” he tripped over his feet and his words as he skidded to a halt in front of you, as if desperate to reach you. “Do you play DND?” At your excited nod, he had launched into an explanation of his podcast, particularly the campaign he ran, and you’d jumped at the chance, excited to maybe grow your own audience. And it had grown, but so had your friend group. By so many now, well beyond the five who you met when you started guest appearing. You’d even made your way into a few of Charlie’s videos at this point. A few speculations had swirled around about if you were dating anyone you were appearing with, but you’d solidly put those rumors to bed on your first stream post guest appearance. Your regular chat new you were an aspiring voice actor, and several of them were apparently also JRWI fans, cheering for you when they’d heard you’d met Grizzly. You were probably going to have to start seeking mods at this point, with the few people who just couldn’t seem to let your relationship status go, or thought they had the right to be assholes now that you’d gained a little notority with the boys and Milo. Jealous freaks.

You had poured a lot of yourself into your DND character, and it showed. He was incredibly flirty, just like you were in real life. It was what had helped you build your brand, a sharp sense of humor and an almost strange openness to your chat hitting on you. Not many guy streamers responded like you do to your chat, so you saw a small flood of watchers when you started. After you were outed, the viewership might have gone down, but you hardly noticed after the queer community had started pouring into the chat, their support becoming your mainstay in the community. You’d branched out from gaming, now running practice lines or even cooking streams with your close community of followers. You were nowhere near quitting your day job, but you loved your audience for their kindness, not the money. Of course some of the new people had also seen Just Roll With It, and had guessed when you mentioned you’d be guest starring on a show soon, and described your character in great detail. You’d kept quiet about confirming it outright, however, and enjoyed the excited messages from those who were proven right when the episode dropped. The chat demanded a watch party, but you cringed at the idea of watching yourself for an entire episode, especially with the knowledge that you were around for several.

Of course you’d stayed for several. Any time everyone gathered in LA, the boys filmed as many episodes as possible. There was a huge popularity in the in person episodes compared to the rest of them, and it was obvious to you why after sitting in on a few. The energy between the five was abundant, everyone practically bouncing off the walls both on and off camera. You had to toss back a few energy drinks to keep up with the rest of them, especially Charlie, who seemed like a boundless ball of energy, bouncing around at lightspeed and chatting your ear off. Your only solace was Milo, who seemed to also hang back just a little bit, except when it came to Zach. You were immediately taken under her wing, as another Riptide newbie, and she demanded you sit with her all day, claiming you needed to team up against the rest of the group. You giggled, and everyone else laughed with you, especially after you cracked a joke in response. The tension rolled off your shoulders after that, and you found yourself able to settle in more easily. You made a mental note to thank her later, which you did, profusely, but she just waved it off with a light shove to your shoulder.

Of course, being in an enclosed basement with five other people, in incredibly close quarters, meant you noticed things better. Meant you noticed a lot of things better, actually. For instance, you noticed the way that Nate constantly fiddled with his hair, pushing and shoving it around his forehead, tossing their head slightly to keep it away from their eyes. Their hands were never still either, twisting at any prop he could get his hands on, or on any jewelry he was wearing. Those were definitely the reasons you spent so much time staring at their hands and face. That and the fact that he was the DM. That was it, absolutely no other reason. And your cheeks were flushed from the heat in there! No matter that Zach had, as usual, set the AC to 69 degrees, six bodies in a room together was bound to generate a lot of heat. 

Speaking of Zach… well. From the beginning, you couldnt help but notice him after the two of you were introduced. His hair fell around his face very nicely, and his stubble looked like it would be almost soft to the touch. You were looking because you were envious, obviously! Getting on T had changed your hair pattern, and it kept a slight wave to it now. You had no idea what to do with it, but Zach obviously did. You’d have to ask him for his hair routine later, even though you assumed it was probably just three in one or something. Ugh. Cis men were so lucky, and they had no idea. The beard was also a source of envy for you. Yours grew in patchy and scraggly, the texture making you bristle when you touched it, so you kept your cheeks, chin, and neck absent of any hair. Sure it contributed to you not passing as well, but after getting top surgery, you really couldnt bring yourself to care. Everyone in the room made it a point to respect your pronouns, and your stomach only twisted when Zach called you man or dude because it gave you euphoria! Absolutely no other reason…

Safe to say, you were probably fucked.

So what if every time you made eye contact with one of them your cheeks flushed a little darker? It wasn’t visible on camera (yes, you did check, and no, it wasn’t weird that you asked to see the footage. Image as a streamer was important, okay?), and none of them commented on it, so you did your best not to draw attention to it either. You only laughed a little too loud at a joke once or twice, and it could totally be played off as nerves about the game. It was fine! Everything was going to be fine! You carefully kept watch on both Zach and Nate the first day, noting the glances they exchanged, but it never seemed to be anything past about the campaign itself.

You were able to relax more on the second day you trampled down the basement stairs, already buzzed on an extra large coffee from the shop up the street from Charlie’s place. You’d hit up the gas station as well, picking up snacks for the group along with your energy drinks you had found yourself craving yesterday. As you tossed a bag of Donettes on the table, Zach’s hand shot out to snatch them. “Bro! These are my favorite! How did you know?” He tore into the bag.

“Dude! It’s day two! Do you already have no fucking sense of decorum left?” Milo ribbed.

Zach lobbed a doughnut at her, which she caught on instinct, before lamenting her now powder covered fingers. Zach just snorted. “Serves you right,” He looked over to you, sticking a thumb out towards Milo and jamming it towards her. “Women, am I right?” You cackled, elbows dropping to the table to hold your head in your hands as you laughed with him.

“Lord forbid women do anything!” Milo called. “You’re officially uninvited from sitting next to me today, by the way. Hang out with your traitorous boy friends or whatever,”

“Fine! Maybe I will!” you chuckled. “Girls have cooties anyways!”

Zach slipped an arm around your waist, smiling triumphantly as he pulled you towards him. Your yelp came from nothing except surprise, thank you very much, and your glance to Nate was only to make sure that they weren’t waiting to get started, thank you very, very much. Nate’s gaze was trained on you, but he seemed a little spaced out, so your stomach settled quickly. Removing Zach’s hand from your hip gently, you scolded him.

“Hands off, unless you want me in your lap, Biz,” you joked, attempting to ease the tension slightly.

“Maybe I do,” he purred, jokingly. Jokingly, right? Obviously. Whatever. So what your heart caught in your throat?

You shook your head, face reddening slightly. “Gross dude, I’m not fucking gay,”

The rest of the room burst out laughing with you two this time, and you shoved him away from you as you crashed down into the chair next to him. You all settled down pretty quickly at Nate’s urges, and you jumped into session after session, poking a little more fun at Milo today than you had yesterday. The rest of them were treated with even more fervor, just like your other interactions with them. Eventually, after a few Riptide sessions, full of screaming, bullying, and threats, you all cut the cameras and broke for lunch, ordering a practical buffet from the Asian place down the street. It was dead silent for the first several minutes after the food had been divvied out, everyone ravenous after all the effort from the morning. Eventually, Nate broke the silence, turning to you. “Hey,”

“Yeah, Grizz?”

“You know you can call us all our names right? Like, off camera? I know it’s weird to use two names but. We like using names outside of session,” he smiled at you gently.

Your cheeks darkened immediately. “Ah! Um… well. If anyone is going to be good at using two names for people, it’ll be me,” A general chuckle from around the table. “I just wasn’t sure we were friends like that quite yet,”

Nate piqued an eyebrow at you. “What is that supposed to mean? You’re in the inner circle at this point! Once you’re in a Charlie video, you’re in!”

“Even if you’re only there virtually? Among Us doesn’t usually indicate the highest level of friendship,”

A snort from Charlie. “Well, yeah I guess, but you’ve joined the slompound officially, dude,”

A grin split your face. “Okay! Thanks, Sli- Charlie,” 

He smiled back at you. Nate pouts. “Hey! I’m the one who brought it up!” 

You turned back to them. “Of course, how could I forget? Thank you, Nate,” You must have imagined the color that dusted high on his cheeks when you said his name.

When you all made it back down to the basement, you decided to push your luck a little. “Miloooooo,” you whined. She turned to you, and so did Zach and Nate, Charlie and Eric continuing to swap out props for Judgement sessions. “If I apologize for earlier can I sit next to you again? Zach smells,”

Her face perked with a laugh, but before she could get any words out, Zach wss on top of you. “Hey!” He smacked at you gently a few times. “Fucking rude bitch,” You stuck your tongue out at him, and he smirked, before grabbing for it, his thumb grazing it before you could slip it back in your mouth. You reacted a second too late, pretending to be disgusted at the taste of his skin, sputtering and spitting, before retreating towards Milo. 

She looked at you with false pity in her eyes. “Oh you poor thing, of course you can sit with me!” She fliped off Zach, and you joined her. He flipped you off back.

Condi’s voice boomed out in the room. “Ooooooookay, you guys. Let’s cool off now, yeah?” The fingers all turned to him. “Hey!”

After several sessions of Judgement, you all stumbled, bleary eyed, up the basement stairs, slamming bodies down onto the couches forming the pit in Charlie’s living room. Charlie groaned, turning his head to the side. 

“Half an hour of rotting, and then dessert and a movie?” More groans, ascension from the others and yourself filled the room. You closed your eyes, letting the shapes behind them spin and lull you into a stupor. 

Before you knew it, someone was shaking you awake. You blinked heavily, hands reaching out to tangle in a shirt, and a small grunt was let into your ear, breath brushing your face. “Come on, man,” a gravelly voice nearly cooed down at you. Your eyes opened wider. Oh, shit. That would be Zach above you, and his shirt you had your hands tangled in. You released it quickly, pressing yourself back down into the couch. 

“Sorry, bro!”

He smirked, shaking his head. “Nothing to apologize for. You’re cute when you’re sleepy or whatever,” he winked at you.

Despite knowing it was a joke, your breath caught in your throat a little. “And you’re a sight to wake up to,” You shot back. He grinned.

“Come on, argue with me for ice cream,” he referenced your favorite dessert, warming your heart that he remembered it.

In the end, you got ice cream. Nate also immediately glued themself to your side when you walked in with Zach, and became your ally in the dessert argument. His weird tension towards Bizly relaxed after he advocated for ice cream as well, and you couldn’t help but wonder at what was happening between the two of them. You didn���t have enough brain power left that night to really bring yourself to decode it, so you let it go. After the movie, everyone unanimously agreed to crash as fast as possible, and you barely even made it to your room before you passed out. 

That was how you found yourself now, on your third day with the group. You squint against the sun, streaming through the blinds you hadn’t closed last night. You consider going back to sleep for another hour or so, but the disgusting taste in your mouth eventually forces you up. You had definitely forgotten to brush your teeth last night. As you scrubbed at your teeth with a heavy hand, you woke up slightly more, checking the time on your phone. 11:30. You were grateful you only had the one session to film today, and then you’d have time to just hang out with everyone. They’d even agreed to stream with you later, insisting you all play Jackbox together. You spat into the sink. Gross. Orange. Rinsing out your mouth and splashing your face, you ponder on who else could be up. You decide to sneak into the kitchen and see who’s around. Padding in on gentle feet, you can smell coffee brewing. You peek around the corner, and long silvery hair catches your eye. 

“Hey, Nate,” your voice is always a little gravelly in the mornings, catching in the back of your throat until you’ve really woken all the way up.

He startles a little at your call, head snapping over his shoulder before he relaxes. “Oh, hey! Sorry, voice I’m not used to hearing in the morning. You sound like you smoke a pack a day or something,”

You chuckle, hand rubbing the back of your neck. “Is it at least hot?”

His cheeks flush a little, but he grins. “Very,”

You hum in appreciation, sliding over in your sock feet to the coffee pot. “Almost ready?”

They nod. “Started it about 5 minutes ago. Sorry if the noise woke you up,”

Unable to fully communicate, you shake your head and reach for him, dragging him into a hug to show your feelings instead. He lets out a slight noise of surprise, before reaching to hug you back. Arms tangle over your waist, and his head drops to your shoulder, where it fits perfectly due to your height difference. You hum lightly, gripping him a little tighter, before drifting away mentally just a little, drinking in the warmth and softness of his support beneath your head, clad in a comfy red sweatshirt. He smells like some kind of plant life and petrichor. You inhale more deeply, trying to catch what kind of plant it is, but the long breaths and comforting position go straight to your still hazy brain, and you find yourself relaxing into them further. Nate never protests, his head shifting further into the crook of your shoulder ,a gentle sigh escaping him.

When the coffee timer goes off, beeping a singular time, both of you tense slightly. You realize just how long you’ve been wrapped in each other, and you step away slightly. “Sorry,”

His face is almost the same color as his hoodie. “Don’t be,”

Before you can say anything else, a voice sounds from the hallway. “Do I hear coffee?” Eric strolls into the room. “Thank you guys so fucking much, holy shit. I alwways feel hungover after big session days. I’m not sure how we ever recorded The Suckening all at once,”

“I’m assuming a lot of caffeine,” you huff, and Nate nods at your side, attempting nonchalance. 

“That and going crazy in the red room,”

You all giggle together, pouring and sipping at coffee, the other two feeding you stories of different campaigns, you drinking them in with glittering eyes. The others eventually make their way in, joining the three of you at the table. You don’t even notice that Nate’s leg has pressed against yours under the table until Zach pulls up the chair to your other side, squishing himself up to you. “You snore in your sleep,”

You smack at his wrist, skin to skin echoing in the room as your eyes widen. “Good morning to you, sunshine,”

He smirks. “I got up to piss in the middle of the night and heard it,”

“Fuck you,”

“If you insist,”

You stick your tongue out at him again. He raises an eyebrow before reaching to pinch it again. This time, you snap your teeth at his fingers. “Feisty boy,” he teases.

You roll your eyes. “Freak,”

He chuckles. “You’re the one who tried to bite me,” 

You huff. “I’m talking to Nate now. Goodbye,”

He pretends to pout as you turn yourself to Nate, leaning in further to him. “Hi, handsome,”

He swallows heavily before responding, but recovers fast, leaning into you as the conversations continue, Milo now yelling at Zach for being a bitch. Again. You giggle. Breakfast goes by quickly, and before you know it, you’re back in the basement. You stay attached to Nate this time, even after he pulls off his sweatshirt, and your skin is pressing directly to his. Everyone is crowded together more today. No one will notice.

After you finish the session, much more quickly this time, you peel yourself from him. “I’m going upstairs for another energy drink,” you declare. “I’ll need it to survive the day. I can come clean up later,” The rest of them wave you off, insisting you shouldn’t be cleaning after your first in person week, and you blow them a raspberry as you bounce upstairs. 

Reaching into the fridge, you pull out an ice cold can, relishing in the feeling against your heated hands. You crack open the can over the sink, and take a long pull from it. You close your eyes as you feel the caffeine start invading your bloodstream, and your thoughts wander back to the events from below.

Lost in thought about the session, and maybe about Nate and Zach, you don't notice anything until the sound of rustling perks your ears. you turn around at the noise. He's standing behind you, inches away, grinning. You stumble back a few steps. "Oh! Biz... ah, Zach...hi," The name still feels foreign in your mouth, not your gut reaction, but they’d all practically demanded you start calling them their names. As you move backward, not looking where you're going, you back into a wall...no... someone. someone warm, someone whose arms wrap around your waist as they press a kiss to the shoulder they were buried in only hours earlier. "Hey, sweetheart," Fuck.  "Hi, Nate,"

[princessefemmelesbian]

Ultimately the transandrophobia movement cannot be divorced from anti-Blackness, particularly misogynoir/transmisogynoir. Transandrophobia truthers are insanely racist against Black people, and this racism is a core tenet of the movement, and I’m surprised that I don’t see more people talking about it. When I first heard of transandrophobia truthers and why they are bad I heard about them from Black trans people who were talking about(in obvious addition to the transmisogyny, lesbophobia, and rape fetishism) the racism that they experienced from transandrodorks, and how many transandrodorks are white trans men who were bullying and sending threats to Black trans people(especially Black trans women) on this website, as well as encouraging their followers to do the same, to the point where they were even engaging in regular transphobia and misgendering these people and saying that they were lying about being trans. A friend of mine who is a Black trans man has also talked at length about how white transandrodorks bullied him and told him that he wasn’t a “real man” because he is feminine and genderfluid, because to them real manhood is white hegemonic toxic masculinity. And many white transmascs also talk over the Black transmascs in their own communities.

In addition, transandrophobia truthers regularly steal and misuse terms such as intersectionality, a term which was created by BLACK WOMEN in feminism to talk about the specific multiplied marginalization that we face that mainstream white feminism and the Black patriarchy do not account for, in favor of instead arguing that misandry is real and that they are somehow oppressed on the axis of a societal hatred for manhood, which defeats the entire point of the term existing in the first place. Not to mention how they regularly ignore and shove aside Black women in their discussions about oppression while using Black men as their shields to prove that they are not racist, often they will claim that Black men are oppressed for being masculine and “too manly” as proof that misandry is real, which ignores the fact that Black men are oppressed by ANTI-BLACKNESS, not anti-masculinity, and that they are often emasculated by white men under white supremacy as well(for instance, see how white men used to call Black men “boy” to infantilize and deman them and deny the fact that they are men) but more than anything it ignores the fact that a) Black men still have male privilege over BLACK WOMEN and are capable of weaponizing misogynoir against us and often do oppress or marginalize the Black women in the community, and b) Black women are also frequently masculinized and seen as “too manly” and aggressive under white supremacy, so it’s not specifically a man thing but a Black thing, that doesn’t make what Black women experience misandry as well.

And let’s not forget how they will respond to any trans woman talking about male privilege by saying that Black trans men don’t have privilege over white trans women(often illogically assuming that the trans woman in question whom they’re talking to is white), ignoring the existence of Black trans women, who have even less privilege than Black trans men, further proving that they don’t have the slightest clue how intersectionality works, yet continuously co-opt the term anyway. The vast majority of transandrodorks are white trans men who think that they can use Black men as a cudgel to segue into talking about their own fragile male tears while not understanding shit about the oppression Black people experience yet blindly thinking that they can talk about it anyway, and also pretending that Black women don’t exist and denying/downplaying our oppression, while also appropriating our language and terminology for themselves, which is peak culture vulture behavior.

I see it oft mentioned that transmisogyny and anti-Blackness/misogynoir go hand in hand, a statement I wholeheartedly agree with; because of that I really wish that people would acknowledge the intense racism in the transandrophobia community more, because it is a serious, severe problem that needs to be addressed. Thank you.

[damn-stark]

Dae-ho tic where him and reader always sabotage each others relationships/talking stages with other people because they want each other but are afraid to say it

4 attempts

Kang Dae-ho (player 388) x fem!reader

A/N- I giggled writing this!

Warning- Angst and fluff!!

————

1st attempt-

This first sabotage was as simple as breathing. Maybe Dae-ho is being cocky, or your possible boyfriend was insecure, but it truly was a simple task. Dae-ho happened to catch that you were going to hang out at your house and he came stumbling by at your door.

“Dae-ho,” you stammer with surprise as you see him outside your door.

Said man smiles his charming smile and holds your gaze. “Hey, sorry for not calling beforehand but I was in the neighborhood and I had this,” he says as he shows off one of your favorite desserts, replacing your annoyance with temptation.

“You’re not going out right?” He follows his comment with a question he knows the answer to.

“No, but I have someone over. A date. Potential boyfriend,” you reveal, but it doesn’t bring him any surprise, he pretends to be shocked but he knows that too.

“Well I am your best friend,” he points out. “I need to meet him anyway. What harm can it bring?”

You contemplate his comment and also glance at the bag in his hand as if that delicious dessert is what is winning you over, but the truth is a part of you is relieved he’s here, interrupting this moment. You don’t let yourself accept that but you are and that part of yourself that is steps back to open the door wider so he may walk in.

When you close the door behind him your date interjects with a question as he walks over. “Who was it?”

When he makes it to the entrance of the house he comes to a sudden halt and straightens up as he sees Dae-ho at your side with a small smile that was too smug rather than friendly.

“Kang Dae-ho, her best friend,” he introduces himself and then gets closer to your date to offer him his hand.

Your date glances at his hand with his breath caught in his throat and then looks over at you with uncertainty before drawing out a deep breath and taking Dae-ho’s hand without meeting his eye.

“I am sorry for intruding,” Dae-ho doesn’t fail to be respectful as he makes himself at home right away and walks to the dining table to set his stuff down. “But I was in the neighborhood and bought some of her favorite dessert and well what friend would I be if I didn’t share?” Dae-ho says as you quickly join him while your date follows behind slowly, catching your eagerness that you failed to show him.

“However, I am sorry that I didn’t bring you any. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” your date quickly assures him as he finally reaches the table.

Dae-ho flashes him a faint smile before he reaches in the bag and pulls out a small box and napkin and hands it to you. He doesn’t finish there though, he pulls out a drink kept inside the bag and as if expecting it, you take it without so much as looking, letting your date know for certain what he needs to do.

So by morning, just as Dae-ho wanted, your date cut all communication with you with a blunt text.

——

2nd attempt-

Failing is hardly something you did. Sure you do fail from time to time, you are only human, but it’s not something you let slide often, but today…today was one of those days. You failed horribly.

“You’re his best friend, you know him more than anyone could so tell me honestly what he's like,” Dae-ho’s date tries to interrogate you out of genuine curiosity. With no ill intent. You recognize that with the way she carries herself, the way she acts, and the way she looks at him with genuine interest and affection. Maybe that’s what makes you fail or maybe it’s what she says next

”I really like him,” she says. “I just want to know if I'm wasting my time and getting my hopes up to later get them crushed.”

Your stomach twists and irritation rushes through your veins. You don’t even take time to question yourself if you want to shatter her feelings and stomp on her illusions, that irritation takes over before you know it.

“He may be my friend but,” you pause and take a step closer to her. “I have to be honest because no one else will,” you speak with a honey-laced voice. “He’s not particularly loyal. It may seem like that now but in a couple weeks he will be texting other girls. It happened last time.”

The girl’s lashes bat as she deals with the disappoint you just hit her with and steps away as she ducks her head.

“If only I warned you before you came,” you say as you reach over and pat her hand. “Just don’t tell him I told you so.”

You finish with a sweet smile and stroke her hand before you walk out a bit too overzealous, but how could you not be?

You might have failed at containing your…burning feelings, but what you told Dae-ho’s date worked because by the next day she asked him out for coffee and ended things with him.

——

3rd attempt-

Maybe it’s the men you date, or maybe men in particular happen to be more jealous than women but don’t dare to admit it. Or maybe, just maybe, it was Dae-ho stepping over the line. Again.

Whether he meant to or not it didn’t matter. You were at the concert of your favorite artist and Dae-ho happened to be there too. It was on purpose, he happened to like that artist too so why would he miss it?

Now you were at two separate sides of the stadium, but when it came down to it, when you were drunk off the excitement, Dae-ho made his way to you and there was no stopping either of you now.

You both sang at the top of your lungs, jumped, and danced like no one was watching when someone was. Your boyfriend. He was next to you, but with Dae-ho there and stepping over the line, singing with you, and dancing too close for comfort, it’s like your boyfriend didn’t exist. He didn’t even feel like a third wheel because he felt invisible.

Or you just didn’t care about him when it came to Dae-ho. Maybe Dae-ho is all you need. He’s all you care about—no, he’s the one person you care about most in this world so no one else can even be at his level.

It was easy to see, and it was even more obvious that Dae-ho recuperated those feelings with the way he looked at you so affectionately and beamed at you so brightly. He laughs at the little things you say and can never keep his eyes off you; it’s like he’s making sure nothing or no one causes you any harm.

He may be charming and look like he could not harm a fly, but anyone could see how protective Dae-ho was without having to even bare his teeth.

Yet that’s not what sent your boyfriend fleeing, it was a smaller fact. A gesture that could mean nothing but can also mean the world. You shared a drink. You had finished yours so Dae-ho said you could drink from his cup, and that’s what hurt your boyfriend the most because he looked down at his own cup and it was still halfway full, making it just enough to share with you, but you didn’t even look his way. Not even to ask to buy some more, so when he could, he broke up with you, giving Dae-ho a win.

——

Last attempt-

If things were simple you would be able to accept your feelings. You would be happy with the person you think about the most. The one person you love more than life itself, but here you are, with makeup running down your cheeks in a restaurant after a man you hardly liked confessed to cheating on you.

Maybe you should’ve expected it. It’s karma after what you’ve done to sabotage Dae-ho’s relationship, but it didn’t stop it from hurting.

As to why your boyfriend told you in a restaurant of all places? You don’t know, but it made it worse; knowing all the people are staring, and listening in to the drama that unfolded before them.

Yet your embarrassment is not what sends you fleeing. You could have walked out when you were collected and no longer had makeup staining your cheeks, but you can’t handle the pain, you can’t contain the ball of emotions that keeps growing and makes your throat and eyes burn, so you swiftly grab all your belongings and storm out of the restaurant. In doing so, on your way out, you bump into none other than your best friend Dae-ho.

At first, he didn’t recognize you, but it does hit him once you’re out the door that it was you. So with a quick dismissive comment over his shoulder to his date, he runs after you.

Dae-ho calls out to you as you storm away with your arms wrapped around your body to keep as much warmth as possible on this winter night, but you don’t stop, so without so much as thinking about his date, he runs after you to catch up. Once he’s close enough he grabs your shoulder before you can take another step and turns you around.

When you look him in the eye and realize it’s not your boyfriend but Dae-ho, you break down into a sob. “Dae-ho,” you mewl.

Said man looks at you like he’s been wounded and grabs your shoulders. “What’s wrong? What happened?” He quickly bombards you with questions.

You sniffle and part your lips. “My boyfriend, he—he.” You can’t even finish what you’re going to say because of how choked up you get, and he doesn’t wait or pester you to finish. He immediately wraps his arms around you and hugs you against him, basking you in his warmth and comfort.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he tries to soothe you as he rubs your back. “You’re going to be okay.”

You let out another shaky sob and grip onto him so he wouldn’t let go. Neither of you proceed to utter a thing, you stand under the falling snow and let the bitterness nip at any exposed skin it can reach.

It’s only once your shoulders stop shaking and Dae-ho’s date is long gone after being forgotten, that you pull away, but he doesn’t let you stray far, he cups your jaw and holds your gaze with tenderness.

“He cheated on me,” you whisper hoarsely, making him sigh with pity.

“I’m sorry,” he says as he strokes your cheeks with the tip of his cold fingers. “He’s an asshole.”

You nod gently and sniffle again. “I don’t even know why I dated him. I didn’t even like him, but I thought maybe…just maybe it would help.”

Dae-ho blinks with confusion and he quickly he follows up on your question. “Help what?”

You avert your gaze and sniffle. Your pause lasts for a moment. It’s only when his hand falls on your shoulder and the other falls at his side that you speak up.

“Forget my feelings for you.”

A cloud of Dae-ho’s breath forms in the space past his lips as he can’t help but gasp.

“I went into that relationship knowing what I felt, but I also know that you don’t feel the same and I can’t possibly live with that so I had to forget, but he…” you trail off and slowly lift your gaze, meeting his bewildered eyes.

“Who,” he stammers and you lose all contact with him as he pulls his hand off your shoulder. “Why…why would you think I don’t have the same feeling you do? I love you,” he admits, stealing your breath and making you feel as if you’re out of this world.

“All this time,” he adds as he watches you work through your disbelief. “I was just…scared that it would ruin us. If I had known—all those dates I’ve been on…” he trails off and grabs your shoulders so you can look him in the eyes as he then continues firmly. “…If it’s true that you feel what I do, tell me and I will stop wasting my time with nobodies.”

You blink in disbelief and your lips part because of the same feelings.

It’s hard to process the fact that he shares the same love you have for him, but that fear of letting him know no longer exists. You’re just hesitant because you’re still caught in disbelief.

“I…I do,” you confess slowly, making him beam at you before he presses his forehead against yours.

“I was going to kiss you, but I think it would be wrong considering…” he doesn’t finish saying but you know he’s referring to your situation.

“Hm,” you hum and grab his face this time to press a light kiss on his lips. “For warmth.” You giggle.

He can’t stop smiling. His smile brightens as he keeps you close with the intention to not let you stray from him anymore.

[lifenconcepts]

HEY, Angel !!

Would you care as to describe your experience? I think not enough hear on just how varied and interesting we are, and it would be great to scroll through reblogs of a single post and be able to find those with similar experiences/feelings.

feel free to write whatever but if you would like some prompts:

Have you noticed the world seem more beautiful/peaceful since you’ve found yourself?

How do you feel about gender? Or having a name? Or attraction as a whole? Is it tied to more mortal instincts, or do you still have some essence of it?

How do you feel like you physically look? Do you have any preferences in form? Would you change the way you are perceived if you could - and into what?

How does your day get affected due to your mystical self?

Do you incorporate this sense of self in your hobbies / behaviours?

What does being an Angel or being of divine/holy nature mean to you? Do you consider yourself born here, a newly created angel, or one which has been around for a long time? Do you have any thoughts as to why you were assigned human at birth?

How much sense of “human”ness do you feel, and do you see yourself as equal to humans, something more, or like a watcher of life around you?

Do you feel like you have some higher purpose and reasoning of being here? A meaning of life, if you will call it that.

Do you have any religious connotations tied to your identity?

How did you come to realise who you were, and what signs did you exhibit prior to knowing this?

Do you have any other ‘uncommon’ bits of self apart from being a being of light, in a way? (Therian, otherkin, interests in specific things, neurodivergencies?) YOU DONT HAVE TO ANSWER THIS IF YOU DONT WANT TO!!

What’s your favourite thing about the bodily experience of being on earth? Is there any sensation you really like? (Taste, smell, touch, feeling, etc)

Would you prefer to be in another dimension? Do your senses feel dulled?

What’s your stance on mortality and topics tied to that? Do you believe in reincarnation/past lives/fate/destiny/divine intervention/guardian angels/ghosts/heaven & hell/god/meaning of life?

Would you enjoy if others treated you as some highly being and brought you offerings/treated you like a god/submit to you/worked for you?

What’s your stance on the community?

How do you interpret existence - how does it all seem to feel and what do you take away from it, like.. what do you live for? Do you have a sense of some ideal where the more you experience the higher you will achieve? Do you crave something out of life?

Do you have a ‘gut instinct/feeling’ and has it ever been scarily accurate to the point there could be no other possible explanation other than something holy?

Do you believe you are blessed and/or protected by some invisible force?

Where do you believe angels also show themselves? Are they in those stray rays of light of headlights, do they exist in the bite marks of a wounded animal’s form, is it within the ripples of the water, in the breath of the tree that takes in the wine, in the chill upon a high mountain - or is divinity everywhere?

Do you fear people don’t understand you well enough? Don’t understand us? Have you ever felt like doing something about it?

do you feel bored from these questions already - did you enjoy it- would you like more? Did I give you satisfaction? I find joy through writing, it makes me personally feel incredibly divine, and there’s a calling to know more about other individuals in this mystical and extensive world.. we need to stick together - as a whole. Love eachother. Treat yourselves well, too. Do more of what makes you feel fulfilled and happy. There’s so much complexities to life, but we just gotta handle it all with our own minds - but treat your heart and soul with so much kindness and care.. please- take care of yourself. Find whatever works for you and live forever, my friend. My eternal, immortal friend..

[ivelle-serenity]

Skateboard 16

Wind breaker

fem bodied reader | smut | action | pwp | jayjo/fml | vinny/fml | wooin/fml | joker/fml | hyuk/fml | owen/fml | enemies to lovers | angsty | the other woman (?) | reverse harem | fluff | SLOW BURN! | all characters featured are 18+

author's note: hi everyone! i'm sorry for ghosting you for months. school has been so stressful that i didn't even get a chance to read updates from wind breaker. BUT I'm back! thank you all for reading my story!

✧˖° — windbreaker men

✧˖° — mdni, smut, description of not safe for work content.

✧˖° — this is a story not one shot.

I slowly opened my eyes, feeling a strange tightness in my stomach. It was like I was about to throw up. I glanced around, trying to figure out where I was, and then looked down at where I was lying. I was on a soft mattress on the floor, my black shirt lifted slightly, exposing my stomach. My joggers were barely hanging on, the drawstring untied. I held my head and turned to the side.

My eyes widened. "What the—" I quickly covered my mouth, afraid of waking the person next to me. He was lying on his stomach, facing my direction, deep in sleep. His arms were wrapped around a pillow.

Why am I alone with Jay?! Panic surged through me. Even though I was dizzy, I managed to sit up. I frowned when my foot hit something—like a body. I felt a wave of relief when I looked down and saw June sleeping at our feet. Shaking my head, I fixed my hair. My gaze fell on Jay again. He looked so peaceful, fast asleep. Unlike when he’s awake—he’s intimidating, unapproachable.

My heart raced again, and I quickly averted my eyes, rubbing my temples. Did I do something terrible last night while I was drunk? I bit my lower lip, struggling to remember what had happened.

We already know.

I know something they don't.

Can you stay away from me from now on? Please?

"Holy shit. Oh, please don’t tell me—" My eyes went wide, and I scrambled off the mattress, trying to be careful not to wake the two of them. Once I was out of the room, I saw Dom sleeping on the floor, clutching Yuna in his arms. Aria was also fast asleep, mouth open. I scanned the room for Minu and Mia, but when I spotted them, I was surprised to see they were already awake.

Mia was making coffee for herself and Minu. They hadn’t noticed me yet, too busy chatting and smiling. What a lovely couple. When will I ever experience something like that? I sighed and immediately looked for my stuff.

"Demitra, you're awake!" Mia’s sudden voice startled me. I forced a smile and nodded, still searching for my bag, which Dom had apparently slept on. "Come join us. What do you want? Milk? Coffee? Or milked coffee?" she asked cheerfully.

"Water is fine," I said, giving her a small smile.

"Water in the morning? Are you an alien?" Minu joked. I chuckled and shook my head, pointing at my stomach.

"If I drink any of what Mia mentioned, I'll end up in the bathroom," I said, making them both laugh.

When Mia handed me the glass of water, I caught the two of them exchanging glances. It was as if they were communicating silently. These friends really had a habit of doing that, even when it was so obvious. After taking a sip, I set the glass down on the counter and crossed my arms, leaning against the sink.

"I know you two know something. You’re way too obvious," I joked, raising an eyebrow at them.

Mia looked flustered, her eyes darting to her boyfriend, as if silently begging him to speak for her. "W-Well, yesterday, Principal Nick told us something about you. About you being a professional rider—"

I burst out laughing. "Professional? Please, did Nick really say that?" I asked in disbelief. "I’m not. Let’s just say I’m an expert."

"But it's the same thing!" Mia jumped in. I just shrugged.

"It’s not," I said, still chuckling.

Minu suddenly grew serious, putting his glass down. "Why didn’t you tell us you're famous in England? As the underground princess? And that you’re friends with Owen from High Calvary!" he said, catching me off guard. Did Gramps really tell them everything? At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also mentioned my favorite food.

"Ew, don’t ever call me that again," I cringed. "And I’m not friends with him. I just know him." I avoided their gazes, just as I noticed Yuna stirring awake, probably overhearing our conversation.

"That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard in my life."

"Minu!"

I laughed as Mia scolded him. She gave me an apologetic look, clearly embarrassed by what her boyfriend had said. "You can ask him if you want." Please don’t.

"You beat him once," Yuna chimed in, despite just waking up.

"I don’t remember that," I replied, playing dumb. She just scoffed at me. "And, going back to what you said earlier, I’m not famous. I was just known in the underground. And that was years ago, so yeah, I’m not relevant there anymore," I said with a laugh, brushing it off.

"Stop being humble, Demitra," Minu said, and I just shot him a glare. "But the main point is, you're stronger than everyone else. I don't even understand how you lost to Jay. No offense to my best friend." He added, but my eyes widened when I saw Jay standing by the now-open sliding door.

"You're overthinking it," I replied, picking up my bag. "Even if you say I’m strong, biking isn’t my thing anymore. I’ve already told you that. I only got back into it to help you guys out." Everyone went silent at my words. "I did have fun helping you, though. Just make sure you explain things to your friend Shelly when she finds out about that video circulating. She's going to freak out seeing her 'clone' on the screen." I glanced over at Jay, who was standing with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall, watching me closely.

"Why do you sound like you’re leaving us after this?" We all turned in surprise to see Dom awake, scratching his head and clearly just having woken up.

"We still want you to be our friend, Demitra," June said softly, his eyes gentle, making my heart ache a little. I laughed to mask the emotions stirring inside me.

I knew they wouldn’t understand, but I needed to keep my distance. Nick already knew I was in Korea, and it wouldn’t be long before he told Shelly. The last thing I wanted was to run into her at school. Call me bitter, but I was only trying to protect myself. I couldn’t afford to get hurt again, especially not after being betrayed by my old friends.

"I appreciate it. We’re still friends, you know. And I’m not leaving." At least, not yet.

They made sure I had breakfast before I could even mention going home. As expected, Dom wouldn’t stop pestering me about how it felt to be famous in England, even asking for tips on how to beat international competitors, knowing I had beaten plenty in races before. Mia and the others, on the other hand, kept trying to pry into how I knew Owen, but I kept dodging the topic. The whole time, I could feel Jay’s eyes on me, and it was driving me crazy. Our conversation from last night kept replaying in my mind, making me avoid him even more.

"Last question, how did you learn to ride a bike?" Aria asked, stopping me in my tracks. The face of a man who had been absent from my life for so long immediately flashed in my mind. His earrings were the one thing I always remembered whenever he crossed my thoughts.

"From my dad," I said, half-truth, half-lie.

"Damn, I wish your dad could teach me!" June exclaimed.

"Never again. I’ll never take lessons from dads again. The last time I did, I nearly died from how hard Shelly’s dad pushed me," Dom said, practically on the verge of tears. I feigned surprise, though I knew all too well how strict Mark could be.

"Oh, Jay, where are you going?" Aria asked when she saw him stand up.

"Home," he replied shortly, not even glancing in my direction.

"Why don't you and Demitra leave together? So she has someone to walk with," Yuna suggested, and I nearly choked. Out of all the people who could’ve said that, it had to be her. I quickly shook my head.

"Then let’s go," Jay said coldly, addressing me directly. My mouth fell open in shock before I glared at him.

After saying my goodbyes to everyone, I hopped on my bike. I saw Jay already outside, waiting for me. I sighed before riding over to him. He was adjusting his helmet when he spoke.

"You should have told them you're leaving," he said, catching me off guard.

"What?"

His tired eyes looked straight at me. "You lied to them. Don’t just disappear without saying goodbye," he said before pedaling away.

My jaw dropped as I quickly followed him.

"What makes you think I’m leaving?"

"You literally said it last night."

I clenched my jaw, trying to think of an excuse. Hurry up, Demitra! Think of something. "I have no reason to leave, Jay," I lied, but he didn’t seem to care. His indifference made me even more annoyed. "Maybe you didn’t understand what I said last night. Why would I leave? I don’t have any enemies at Sunny High."

"Do you really want to talk about this?" he asked, his eyes locking onto mine. A chill ran down my spine.

"Yes! Tell me, Jay. Why would I leave?" I fired back. If you really don’t know anything, prove it. You’re hiding something. I could tell last night when you tried to act like you didn’t know. I’m not stupid.

He shook his head and sighed. "Stop asking me questions only you can answer," he said coldly. "If anything, I should be asking you that. Why are you leaving? Is there someone you’re scared to run into?"

His words struck a nerve.

"What the hell is your problem?" I snapped, making him stop. "I’ve had enough of your riddles, Jay. Just tell me what your issue is with me. You keep dropping hints about things you think you know, and it’s driving me insane. You keep looking at me like you’re waiting for something, and now this? Agreeing to walk me home after I literally told you to stay away from me?"

His expression shifted into something unreadable. "I don’t have a problem with you—"

"Then stop messing with me. If you know something, just say it. Tell me, what exactly did you hear from Nick?" I demanded, stopping my bike and glaring at him. His jaw tightened as he took a deep breath.

"I only told you what I heard last night, nothing more." He was lying again. What the hell? I nodded slowly, scoffing in disbelief. Ignoring him, I pedaled faster, trying to get away. Why does he keep messing with my head? What does he really know? From the way he talks, it's as if he knows everything about my secret.

I veered off the main route, taking a different path to put more distance between us. Thankfully, he didn’t try to follow. I wasn’t in the mood for another race with him. It took me 30 minutes to reach the park. I parked my bike and dropped myself onto the grass, frustrated. I held my head in my hands, trying to shake off the haunting memories.

"Is it true, Nick? Shelly’s engaged to Owen?"

"Yes, Demitra. Why? Didn’t Owen tell you? Aren’t you two close?" Nick had approached me, but I stepped back, covering my mouth. My body trembled at his words. After all this time, Owen is engaged to my friend? And Shelly knew? They both kept this from me?

Tears, which I had been trying to hold back, finally spilled over. "Demitra, why are you—" Nick began, but I cut him off.

I gripped my hair tightly, burying my face in my knees as the tears streamed down. I couldn’t understand why I still felt so much pain after all these years. I should’ve moved on by now. I should’ve forgotten them, but why was this happening to me? Why do the people I’ve been trying to forget keep coming back? My heart tightened painfully in my chest.

"I didn’t let you go just to see you cry."

I froze at the voice. Lifting my head, I saw Vinny leaning against his motorcycle, hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. I quickly looked away, wiping my tears.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the race?" I changed the subject.

"It seems you really don’t care about the Sabbath, huh? The race ended a while ago," he said, lighting a cigarette. He even offered me one, but I shook my head. He raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised I wasn’t smoking.

"Did they find out?" I asked quietly.

"See this?" He pointed to a bruise on his cheek. "That's your boyfriend’s doing," he said before tossing the cigarette, even though he hadn’t taken a puff.

"I don’t have a boyfriend," I shot back, giving him a glare.

"Wooin is a smart guy. No one can fool him," he muttered, staring straight ahead at the road. "They’re pissed. Not just at me, though."

I sighed. "I’m sorry. You fought because of me," I apologized, feeling guilty.

"We were already fighting long before this, even without you," he said casually, lying down on the grass. "So tell me, why are you here? Did Hummingbird finally kick you out after using you?" He looked at me sharply.

"You know your friends aren’t like that," I said, meeting his gaze with equal intensity.

[c0exiist]

“Your father had a point. The way Badem tried to make us feel bad whenever he had to get his vaccines…Ugh, my heart…It was only later that I realized he was milking us for treats. Smart pup that’s for sure.” Going back on the topic of Nazli getting a pet, the vet then said, “If you do end up with a cat of your own, I hope they have just as much of a personality that’s at least similar to Badem’s in their own way. It’s always entertaining and normally they’re the types to alleviate stress when you least expect it…even if on some days they can be a handful.” 

After learning about Nazli’s current endeavour, Catriona nodded in understanding as she explained how she felt about the whole thing. “That’s a lovely way of putting it.” mused Cat with a chuckle. “If it’s any consolation, I feel like you’re on the right track given that all business owners tend to go through it in the beginning and then you simply get used to it. It’s all a matter of finding that routine that works for you, as well as the clientele that you serve and a business model that you can maintain in the long run.” Her features relaxed as she reflected on her own business and she could definitely resonate with it being both rewarding and frustrating. “And you will figure it out, so long as you don’t give up.” 

Hearing about Nazli’s travels was definitely interesting as she had never been to such places before. Hearing the passion in her voice meant that it was truly worth it and gaining an understanding of why she did it made Catriona realize the importance of putting yourself first. “Well for starters I’m jealous that you were able to do all that. It definitely sounded freeing…” Her gaze then softened as she understood the need to escape the junction and start new, “I don’t blame you for wanting time away. I feel like people should experience at least something new out of the norm in their day to day life. There’s so much more out there than all this…” 

She knew her response to the kind of clientele would be an amusing one and so she gestured a hand towards their surroundings and stated the obvious, “This is Devil’s Junction after all, you just never know who you might encounter.” Nodding, Catriona huffed a sigh and said, “Busy is starting to sound more like an understatement.” Biting the insides of her cheek, she knew her background would eventually come up at any given conversation and so, she gave her usual response like clockwork, “Not exactly…My family worked at the stables and so I grew up around horses…Life had other plans for me and I went into nursing, but I don’t know. I wasn’t happy.” She couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge the fact that she was a qualifying olympian, let alone the accident. It was something she kept buried deep. Forcing out a smile, she shrugged and said, “So the middle ground was to be a veterinarian, my passion is for the animals just like how yours is in the arts with your creativity. I also do what I can to give back to the community...I guess I simply feel compelled to make a difference and overall, a positive impact."

Nazli’s lips curled into a soft smile at the mention of Badem. “He really was. My dad always said he had too much personality for one dog.” The ache of loss never really went away—it just settled, became something quieter, easier to carry. She was grateful Catriona didn’t linger on the topic, though. Some people tiptoed around grief like it was fragile, others treated it like a wound they needed to prod at. This? This felt natural.

At the shift in conversation, Nazli let out a small laugh. “Jewelry, yes. Business, absolutely not.” She leaned against the counter, thoughtful. “I was always creative, but I never really thought about turning it into a business until… well, until I had to.” She said it lightly, but there was a quiet truth beneath it. “It’s been an adjustment. Rewarding, frustrating—kind of like training a stubborn puppy, actually.” She grinned. “But I’m figuring it out.”

Catriona’s next question caught her off guard, but in a good way. Most people just asked if she was happy to be back, not about where she’d been. “Yeah, I spent a lot of time in Istanbul and Cappadocia. And then a little bit of everywhere—Spain, Italy, Morocco, the UAE. It was… freeing.” Her gaze softened as she thought about it. “I think I needed that time away, just to reconnect with a part of myself outside of all this.” She gestured vaguely, encompassing the town, the weight of legacy that came with both. “I loved it. There’s something about walking through a new city, knowing no one, speaking just enough of the language to get by—it makes you pay attention to the little things.”

She tilted her head slightly at Catriona’s answer about her clients, an amused glint in her eyes. “Pet owners from all walks of life, huh? That’s a very polished answer.” She grinned, but she didn’t press. Everyone had their own way of choosing their words, and besides, she liked the sound of what Catriona did. “You’re busy, then. That’s impressive. Stables, too? I don’t think I’ve been out to Champion’s Gate since I was a kid.” She paused, considering. “What got you into all this? The vet work, the shelters… is it something you always wanted?”

[worstloki]

Caring understanding Frigga who wink wink already knows where Thor and Loki’s matters of the heart lie is sooooooooo not canon. That lady spoke to her sons 5 times throughout the cinematic universe and was scraping the bottom of an empty pot with how sound her advice was. She spoke to Loki 2 times and both times it was to gaslight him when he was already crying about something... give her prophetic visions all you want that woman is NOT a sage

[mer-se]

please pick friends u can argue or have misunderstandings with and actually communicate with immediately after like, it’s so fucking important

[badolmen]

Being invited to the school’s summer orientation events after being personally a victim of administrator apathy and police violence on campus is so funny.

Yeah, this school has awesome hiking trails on its conservation land - if you’re looking for somewhere less popular, the nearby natural resources research properties are open to the public but most people don’t know that! As for the social climate, I’ve been called faggot to my face more often by students here than by my Catholic middle school peers. And you know, when students from the campus College Republicans club were calling international students of color terrorists and cotton pickers in front of administration and the PD, the chief of police came over to threaten an international student with arrest and deportation while completely ignoring the racist harassment happening in front of him. So, you know, if you’re into: hiking, homophobia, and racism, you’ll fit right in here at [school] 😊

[gingersnapwolves]

So today I want to talk about puberty blockers for transgender kids, because despite being cisgender, this is a subject I’m actually well-versed in. Specifically, I want to talk about how far backwards things have gone.

This story starts almost 20 years ago, and it’s kind of long, but I think it’s important to give you the full history. At the time, I was working as an administrative assistant for a pediatric endocrinologist in a red state. Not a deep deep red state like Alabama, we had a little bit of a purple trend, but still very much red. (I don’t want to say the state at the risk of doxxing myself.) And I took a phone call from a woman who said, “My son is transgender. Does your doctor do hormone therapy?”

I said, “Good question! Let me find out.”

I went into the back and found the doctor playing Solitaire on his computer and said, “Do you do hormone therapy for transgender kids?” It had literally never come up before. He had opened his practice there in the early 2000s. This was roughly 2006, and the first time someone asked. Without looking up from his game of Solitaire, the doctor said, “I’ve never done it before, but I know how it works, so sure.”

I got back on the phone and told the mom, who was overjoyed, and scheduled an appointment for her son. He was the first transgender child we treated with puberty blockers. But not, by far, the first child we treated with puberty blockers, period. Because puberty blockers are used very commonly for children with precocious puberty (early-onset puberty). I would say about twenty percent of the kids our doctor treated were for precocious puberty and were on puberty blockers. They have been well studied and are widely used, safe, and effective.

Well. It turned out, the doctor I worked for was the only doctor in the state who was willing to do this. And word spread pretty fast in the tight-knit community of ‘parents of transgender children in a red state’. We started seeing more kids. A better drug came out. We saw some kids who were at the age where they were past puberty, and prescribed them estrogen or testosterone. Our doctor became, I’m fairly sure, a small folk hero to this community. 

Insurance coverage was a struggle. I remember copying articles and pages out of the Endocrine Society Manual to submit with prior authorization requests for the medications. Insurance coverage was a struggle for a lot of what we did, though. Growth hormone for kids with severe idiopathic short stature. Insulin pumps, which weren’t as common at the time, and then continuous glucose monitoring, when that came out. Insurance struggles were just part and parcel of the job.

I remember vividly when CVS Caremark, a pharmaceutical management company, changed their criteria and included gender dysphoria as a covered diagnosis for puberty blockers. I thought they had put the option on the questionnaire to trigger an automatic denial. But no - it triggered an approval. Medicaid started to cover it. I got so good at getting approvals with my by then tidy packet of articles and documentation that I actually had people in other states calling me to see what I was submitting (the pharmaceutical rep gave them my number because they wanted more people on their drug, which, shady, but sure. He did ask me if it was okay first).

And here’s the key point of this story:

At no point, during any of this, did it ever even occur to any of us that we might have to worry about whether or not what we were doing was legal.

It just never even came up. It was the medically recommended treatment so we did it. And seeing what’s happening in the UK and certain states in America is both terrifying and genuinely shocking to me, as someone who did this for almost fifteen years, without ever even wondering about the legality of it.

The doctor retired some years ago, at which point there were two other doctors in the state who were willing to prescribe the medications for transgender kids. I truly think that he would still be working if nobody else had been willing to take those kids on as patients. He was, by the way, a white cisgender heterosexual Boomer. I remember when he was introduced to the concept of ‘genderfluid’ because one of our patients on HRT wanted to go off. He said ‘that’s so interesting!’ and immediately went to Google to learn more about it. 

I watched these kids transform. I saw them come into the office the first time, sometimes anxious and uncertain, sometimes sullen and angry. I saw them come in the subsequent times, once they were on hormone therapy, how they gradually became happy and confident in themselves. I saw the smiles on their faces when I gave them a gender marker letter for the DMV. I heard them cheer when I called to tell them I’d gotten HRT approved by insurance and we were calling in a prescription. It was honestly amazing and I will always consider the work I did in that red state with those kids to be something I am incredibly proud of. I was honored to be a part of it.

When I see all this transgender backlash, it’s horrifying, because it was well on the way to become standard and accepted treatment. Insurances started to cover it. Other doctors were learning to prescribe it. And now … it’s fucking illegal? Like what the actual fuck. We have gone so far backwards that it makes me want to cry. I don’t know how to stop this slide. But I wrote this so people would understand exactly how steep the slide is.

[tinsnip]

"In recent years, there has been a rush on the internet to supply image descriptions and to call out those who don’t. This may be an example of community accountability at work, but it’s striking to observe that those doing the most fierce calling out or correcting are sighted people. Such efforts are largely self-defeating. I cannot count the times I’ve stopped reading a video transcript because it started with a dense word picture. Even if a description is short and well done, I often wish there were no description at all. Get to the point, already! How ironic that striving after access can actually create a barrier. When I pointed this out during one of my seminars, a participant made us all laugh by doing a parody: “Mary is wearing a green, blue, and red striped shirt; every fourth stripe also has a purple dot the size of a pea in it, and there are forty-seven stripes—”

“You’re killing me,” I said. “I can’t take any more of that!”

Now serious, she said it was clear to her that none of that stuff about Mary’s clothes mattered, at least if her clothes weren’t the point. What mattered most about the image was that Mary was holding her diploma and smiling. “But,” she wondered, “do I say, Mary has a huge smile on her face as she shows her diploma or Mary has an exuberant smile or showing her teeth in a smile and her eyes are crinkled at the edges?”

It’s simple. Mary has a huge smile on her face is the best one. It’s the don’t-second-guess-yourself option."

--Against Access, by John Lee Clark, a DeafBlind educator

[galene-gothic]

𝖸𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗂𝖽𝖾𝖺𝗅 𝗍𝗒𝗉𝖾 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗐𝗁𝗈 𝖽𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝖻𝖾𝖼𝗈𝗆𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝗈𝗋𝖽𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗈 𝖺𝗍𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗍 𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗆 𝗂𝗇𝗍𝗈 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗅𝗂𝖿𝖾?

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES TIP JAR

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 1 ꒱

꒰ What are you looking for within a partner outside of worldly distractions, personal insecurities and limiting beliefs? ꒱

Your ideal type is someone who thinks that life is tasteless without you. You want them to have undergone the lowest of lows in life because you think that they’ll be able to connect with you well if that’s the case. You’re someone who wants to be pursued and you want them to be sort of self conscious when it comes to you because they care about what you think of them. You want them to value long term connections and to have a pure mind i.e. be someone who doesn’t lead anyone on and only does long term connections. You honestly want them to share such a connection only with you. You want them to be someone who’s first kiss, first time, everything was delayed until they met you and they got to experience it all with you. You want them to not have connections progressed enough for any sort of seriousness. You also want them to be focused on their career and save certain things for their forever person, and open their heart to you and only you. You want them to be very generous when it comes to you. You want them to want to give you things, you want them to want you bad enough to pursue you, to earn your approval and to win your trust, and love, even if they’re risking wasting their time. You want them to be someone who doesn’t give their heart away to others, is focused on their career and puts themself first but is generous with you, has time for you and becomes open, and vulnerable with you. You don’t want them to be holding onto any memory with any one of the past and to cherish you, and only you. The concept of a ‘first love that they can’t forget’ and ‘the one that got away’ makes you sick to the stomach, and makes you want to throw up. You want them to be slightly possessive of you and codependent on you honestly. You want them to be someone who doesn’t mind being blunt, sarcastic and rude with others if the need is there. You want them to be charming but in a way where it’s sort of a miscommunication and they never intended for things to be taken a certain way. You want them to know how to get what they want from the world simply because they’re too charismatic with their words. You want them to be extremely aware of what’s going on around them, possibly to the point of hyper vigilance but to still act distant and flighty to others. You want them to question their belief systems, values, actions and way of life, and to be someone who is able to deal with major upheavals without much of a reaction to them. You want them to be independent and difficult to fool. Someone virtuous who doesn’t need the approval of others. Also, someone principled and intelligent according to others as well. You want them to be respected by others. Emotionally, you want someone who is highly dependent on you and is afraid of losing you.

You want them to be slightly possessive and also needy. You want them to be almost smothering with you but also very vulnerable, like even if they were to try to suppress their emotions, they wouldn’t be able to when it comes to you. You also desire for them to have a secret perverse and dirty side. The side that just wants to take you at any moment. You want them to express this dirty side to you and only you, the idea of having someone be this vulnerable, intimate and dirty with you and only you is very sexy to you. I’m not sure if you realise it but you seem to enjoy slight quarrels and fights within a romantic partnership. You also enjoy adult jokes and communication through the eyes with your romantic partner. You desire a partner whose loyalty for you is very obvious and manifested strongly beneath the surface without you having to tell them anything about loyalty and devotion at all. I’m not sure what the reason is but you have a desire for a partner who doesn’t quite fit in, someone who might have had some issues with their parents? It’s not something you consciously seek but you desire for someone who you can soothe and become the most important person to, even if they don’t have any issues within their family. You likely desire someone with more conservative views or culture when it comes to romance. You desire utmost submission and devotion from a person who’s very strong within themself, and to the outside world. You want someone who wouldn’t be able to leave you no matter what. You want to be the dream person to your romantic partner, you want them to idealise you and daydream about you. You also want them to plan a future with you and be determined to be with you. You want someone who has many options but will choose you to build a life with. You want your romantic partner to choose you and not have any regrets about doing so. You want to be treated well, almost like royalty and be offered a variety of qualities and options by them. “Tell me what you want and I’ll be that for you.” Is what you want your romantic partner to be like. You want them to look reserved and determined. This is weird but you don’t want them to share eye contact with many people but when they do, it’s very intense? You want them to have a direct gaze that is intense and observant at other times. You want someone with well defined facial structure, nose and overall appearance. You want them to look ethical, intimidating, intense, calculating, respectable, high status, powerful and someone who either doesn’t smile much or even their smile looks powerful. You have a thing for a strong jaw that causes the lower face to look naturally chiseled but not a full on square jaw. Like, when someone’s jaw is so strong, their chin area looks sexy and well defined.

You also like when someone with this facial structure smiles because their chin and structure looks more pronounced plus their face just folds in certain ways. I’m not sure if I’m able to explain it but my lover - Jake of Enhypen would be a perfect example for this kind of facial structure. You want them to be known to be a hard worker who’s hard to get. You want them to be able to keep up the image of being fine and doing well in front of others. Also, someone who is very fair and has a sense of inner contentment. You want someone who’s known to continue working hard and go for another goal when they’re done accomplishing one. You want someone with a mindset “one life, I’ll do and get it all” kind of mindset. When it comes to their morals, you want them to be someone who befriends the weird person and talks to the new employee, etc. You want them to have a genuine desire to include others. You also want them to be someone who understands what is valuable and is forgiving towards self, and others. You want someone who has a conscience and feels guilty when they do certain things, and grows through it. You desire someone who is emotionally mature emotionally to work on themself and heal instead of blaming everything onto circumstances. You want to be with someone who is able to let go of the past completely without any regrets or memories. You also want them to be someone who doesn’t mind apologising if they’re wrong. Someone who’s very strong minded and willed, and possesses the strength to cut through any challenge. Also, someone whose strong love and morality always surpasses their strong hurts, regrets, resentments and hate. You want someone who actively chooses to be a good person. In their core, you want them to be someone who is warm, loving and generous. Also, someone very genuine and passionate. You want them to possess an incomprehensible depth and honestly, be a kid at heart. You want them to admire you and be attached to you by the hip. You want them to be heavily emotionally attached and involved with you. You want them to be strongly connected to their inner child and feel safe enough to let it out in front of you. You want them to have a crush on you and be in love with you decades into the relationship, and also in a very innocent fashion. You want them to have a sense of purity and innocence naturally. You want them to be sensitive and to understand your emotions, and needs without having to say much. You want to be able to laugh around, cry and just have an innocently deep connection with someone who’s ethical and serious, and self sufficient on the surface but vulnerable, loving and childlike with you. You also have a strong desire to be their first and last love, and have them be your first and last love.

꒰ Who do you need to become in order to attract them? ꒱

Right away, if you believe in manifesting, you need to just simply step into your manifestor state by not doubting things but instead just setting the intention and having faith. With them, you need to be someone who is fairly possessive but also gives others the space the breathe. You need to become slightly argumentative with them so that the arguments end in bed in order to restore stability. Well anyway enough about them, you need to develop more stability in your own life first. You need to put a laser focus on your own goals and success for now because trust me, right now, even if your ideal type existed, they’d not date you. You need to let go of any and all issues completely, once and for all, prioritising building a new life and mindset for yourself. There is someone or something that is not serving you good that you are still holding onto. It might have long passed you by but the effects of it have lingered because you were led to feel really trapped, helpless, hopeless and victimised. You’re being told that the first step to your ideal person is to let go of these deep seated fears and trauma, and never consider settling. Embrace life wholeheartedly and with passion. You need to become someone who has goals in your mind that actually light you up on the inside, goals that you are truly passionate about and you need to be fierce in your execution of them, not letting temporary circumstances steer you away from it or break your flow. Ofcourse, life happens so you might have to take a day or two off sometimes, like you might have to attend a funeral or a family member of yours might get sick, don’t let such days ruin your flow, always get back to it as soon as you can. Learn how to maintain a strong sense of self worth and always see the wins in the losses because the more you explore of any interest, the more you’ll realise that you are not doing certain things right, the more aware you’ll be of your past mistakes but that just means that you’re winning. Look at life as “oh this time my business failed, that means I’ll be able to avoid making the same mistakes the next time” instead of “oh my god, my business failed, now I have nothing to live for.” Look at life as once you’ve climbed a mountain and are able to look down, you’ll notice where you went wrong and where you could have moved differently. The main way to build stability is consistency with self control. Also, allowing yourself to grow in every aspect is going to be crucial too. You need to learn how to do things even if you don’t feel like it, how to maintain a routine even if you don’t feel like it. You’re being told to be a workaholic if the need be there but there’s a lot of emphasis being put onto work-life balance, you need to be careful about not burning yourself out while hustling. Never give up and never change your path as long as you’re aware that you want it. Like, some people have always desired to become performers, others have always desired to write, others develop a desire to become a fashion designer along the way, etc. Fashion designer - Coco Chanel didn’t go to fashion school in order to become a great fashion designer. Don’t let your emotional abundance and fulfilment depend on anyone or anything else. You’re being told to build an emergency fund right away and if you have one, grow it a bit. Learn how to not burn out so that you can always come back on track.

You’re being told not to change your mind in a fickle manner. Like, if you were thinking about saving money but you had to spend money on some food or other expenses, don’t start taking that as a “just this once, I’ll spend some money” and start buying more things, going out more often, etc. Spend money on whatever expenses may arise but stay firm on saving money. You need to become someone who believes in the mutuality, fairness and equality of any relationship, be it professional or personal. However, your kind and giving nature is going to be something that attracts not only them but also other loving experiences and people towards you. So, you’re being told to grow into someone who is publicly very kind but in terms of personal relationship very picky. You need to become like a phoenix, someone who grows more powerful and beautiful after having completely burned down. You are bound to deal with unfair circumstances and connections in this lifetime. You’re going to have to learn how to reclaim your power, no matter how many times you may have to do it. Until eventually, you’re so in control of yourself and have learned how to deal with the lack of reciprocity that you do not even lose your power anymore. You need to stop having guilt and regrets of any sort but be fairly self critical as in, you always keep yourself in check. I just heard “never let anyone wrong you” including false accusations or treating you poorly like you deserve it. In terms of the way you put yourself out in the world, become someone who’s willing to learn and be humble. When I tell you that you need to grow into this person in order to attract your ideal type, I mean to show you who you’re meant to be as well, don’t do anything solely to attract romance, it’s going to lead to you not being able to enjoy your life as it is. Please understand that the lack of romantic love doesn’t make your current life any less beautiful than when you might have a romantic partner. I’m not sure what it is but you’re going to have to motivate others and teach them to go through life and emotional pain in some way. It could be by sharing how you got over certain situations and manoeuvred through life. At your core, you have to be someone who is very controlled, loving, compassionate and strong. You’re going to be strong but in a very feminine manner. I’m picking up on shame and heartbreak over who you naturally are because you’re someone who is compassionate yet strong, wild yet refined, wholehearted yet aware of others’ boundaries, virtuous yet have your own vices, however you’ve had your softer qualities been taken advantage of and your stronger qualities villainised so well, no matter what part of yourself you embody, there’s no winning. However, trust me all you need to be is yourself. You don’t have to try to embody more of anything but if you want to, you can definitely do so. You’re very pure of heart and don’t have to change that about yourself. If you’ve had to deal with a lot of fear and confusion but have been finding clarity, you’re already at least quarter to half way there. You’re going to have to be someone who’s very subconsciously aware of who you are, even your deepest and dirtiest parts. Also, someone who is very powerful, influential, warm, shines brightly and is the creator of their own life. Thank you for reading. Much love and take care.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 2 ꒱

꒰ What are you looking for within a partner outside of worldly distractions, personal insecurities and limiting beliefs? ꒱

Your ideal type is someone who is unique in the way they think and open minded. You think that certain beliefs that you have and the way you are is slightly different from what others can usually accept or even understand so you want them to understand and accept you completely. You also want them to have a strong conscience and sense of what’s right, and wrong. You want them to be private but still very honest, someone who’s willing to correct their wrongs and work on their negative traits. Someone who’s self aware enough to see, understand, accept and work through certain actions that may not be the most ethical. You want someone who’s fair and has a strong knowledge about the rights that they may not directly benefit from. Many of you here are feminists or/and child activists, you may not go out there and fight but you have a strong knowledge of the rights that these two groups of people should receive and have a desire to stand up against any injustice that you see these people may be facing so you want a partner who pushes you towards it and would understand why you feel so strongly about certain topics. You want them to be an individual who doesn’t just blindly follow what they’ve been raised with. You don’t want them to hold onto outdated beliefs that separate people from one another, such as different religions, different castes if you’re hindu, etc. You want them to be someone with a strong sex appeal but not that social. You want them to be social as in be able to have fun and interact with others but also not be available just anywhere and everywhere. You want them to be a busy person with individual projects and just high maintenance, you want others to envy them due to their personality, character, image and success. You want them to not want to or even be able to stay away from you. You want them to feel homesick without you and come back to you as soon as possible after travels or even cancel travelling to be with you. You want them to have eyes and heart only for you, and only give you time and affection. You’re not overbearing because you do understand that they have a life and you’ll let them have it but in terms of emotions and certain aspects of them, you want to be the only one to receive it. You want them to prioritise your connection above all, most definitely. You want them to be fiercely loyal to you and for you to share a connection so deep that they feel comfortable enough to talk to you about their failures, disappointments and hurts. You want a very intimate connection with a natural understanding and acceptance of one another. You mostly desire someone who is untouchable and comfortable with being alone. Your biggest fear is ending up with an experienced hoe who can’t be alone for shit. That’s not even my usual vocabulary, that was the spirit I swear 😭. You want someone who looks independent and as though they don’t need anyone but in a more closed off manner.

You want someone who looks like they work really hard and have no problems in life. I’m getting that you like someone who probably looks like they work out too. Definitely someone fairly glamorous and gorgeous who stands out though. Honestly, you desire someone who no one has had or known properly. You want them to be known by how hard they work and how busy they are. Also, someone who doesn’t mind being seen as ‘boring’ just because they are responsible and old school. You want them to be pretty unhinged in certain ways, someone who pursues their dreams and goals abashedly. Also, someone who is known for being dominant and well respected. You want someone who people can’t even figure out or put into words. Like, the type who will just take your breath away because of how unconventional yet true they are to themself. Also, someone who has build a lot of money by themself due to how hardworking they are. You want them to value depth and intimacy, and take connections seriously. You want them to be someone who values personal achievements that they may not gain recognition for just as much as external achievements. You want them to be intentional about life and know what they want, and go after it. You want them to be someone who has a lot of faith in themself and desires to improve their skills. You want them to value passion and communication, and be very smooth with their words. Someone who lowkey has a god complex, as in they know that they’re one with the universe and powerful enough to get what they want. You want them to be someone who thinks that whatever ideas they have, they can bring them to life. You want them to have a strong willpower and consciousness about how the universe operates even if they may not exactly use words like ‘god’, ‘universe’ or ‘manifestation’. You want someone who values being influential and succeeds in doing so. Someone who is capable of learning from everyone and everything. Someone who is just a true man (if you’re interested in men). You want them to have a willpower that can’t be crushed no matter what, someone who will always push forward. Emotionally, you want them to hold a silent power. Someone who naturally expects and demands respect from others. Also someone who is quick to cut people out and off. You want them to be someone who grows from every situation and is grateful for what they do have. Someone who’s present and grounded within reality, and doesn’t think about the past. You want their emotional focus to be on self and reality. You want them to be selfless with those who need it but still very focused on their own life path. You want them to have a zest for life and be ambitious. You want them to have a certain pride within themself. You have a desire for someone who either comes from humble beginnings or if not (because everyone loves generational wealth), maintains humility despite being successful and rich. Whether you may expect it or not, you want them to have never been in love with or given anything to anyone else, you want them to have you as their first and last love forever, and always.

꒰ Who do you need to become in order to attract them? ꒱

You will not attract them unless you’ve worked through heartbreaks, hurt and trauma of your own. When I say ‘worked through’, I mean moved on completely to the point that you think it’s too irrelevant and boring to even think about. You should learn how to balance things and a proper schedule even if unavoidable circumstances may come up. Like, supposing you received news that a close relative passed away and you have no choice but to go to help with their funeral, go do so but don’t forget your routine in the process. Even if you’re unable to check everything off, check a few things off. Like, even if you’re unable to workout and study, if you had an essay to write, make sure to do so or if you wake up late because you went to sleep late, make sure to get up and follow your routine as far as you can. If you have to skip the workout part for that day it’s okay but make sure not to skip it the next. Try to be consistent and don’t let your inability to do one task stop you from doing the rest of them. You need to mature a lot more in order to attract this person that you desire into your life. Yes, if you manage to have an overnight shift into this identity, you will attract them eventually but most people do not change overnight because human change is more of a process so I’d suggest that you start working towards becoming this person right away. You need to be a hard-worker and have self improvement, and life improvement as your top priority. You need to be so busy and so grounded within yourself that you don’t even have time to think about the past unnecessarily. You need to forgive your past and move past it. You need to become aware enough to not engage in conflict, arguments or making any choice driven by anger. Learn from your mistakes instead of ruminating over how you were done wrong. Regrets won’t do anything, move on without them. You are going to have people who are competitive with you and envious of you. You need to become confusing by seemingly appearing like you lack assertiveness but winning every competitive battle in one way or another. Emotionally, you need to get rid of being too emotional. You need to have a strong desire and will to succeed and grow. Also, to follow the light towards the end of the tunnel. You’re being told that the sooner you get rid of heavy hearted energies, the sooner you’ll get better. Morally you need to be very quick and firm, like no one should be able to sway you away from your morals even if they were the sweetest speaker and most persuasive person ever.

Your desire for fairness and reasoning needs to outride your emotions for anyone in any situation. You also need to maintain your fiery and passionate nature. I recommend that you look out for children and try to take care of them, I’m not sure why either but it just came through. You need to become fearless and never lose your zest for life, if you already have, you need to get it back. You need to prioritise enjoying the essence of life, never lose perspective of the beauty of it. You’re being told that you need to live. You need to go out and experience life instead of being in your head. Physical appearance and image wise, you need to be a bit more closed off and secretive. You need to create a sense of mystery around yourself by keeping to yourself but when you speak, you should say something wise or teach people how to do something, etc. Be humble in your approach. Also, never approach people first and avoid being too available early on as well. You should not pretend to be something you’re not so all you need to do is build enough of a life for yourself to be busy enough to not be available just anyone and everyone. You need to be a stable person who values close and stable connections on a core level, and build a level of detachment so that you’re apathetic to things and people not being the right ones for you. You need to learn how to enjoy working so that you have enough of a life for yourself and should give yourself away in social service of some sort, that’s where you’ll find true contentment. You’re going to have to develop a lot of inner and outer power in order to attract and get with your ideal type. You need to become protective of yourself and keep parts of yourself only to yourself. You need to start self worshiping to a certain extent. You need to understand the divinity that humans are, having been made by the most divine itself (god, universe, whatever you may want to cut it). Don’t forget your divinity and sacredness. Be a sharp thinker who takes no bullshit. Don’t be afraid of hurting other people’s feelings in this process of life because being real, everyone hurts someone or the other, with decent people, it’s not even intentional. You need to be able to see things as they are, even if it’s painful. Also, you need to live in the present moment completely. You need to have an active lifestyle instead of being by yourself, in your head all the time. Extend your love to yourself and to those in need but don’t hand it out for free in interpersonal relationships. Teach others and learn from them. Be humble but don’t let your guard down. Have sacred time when you do nothing but bask in yourself, when you do nothing but appreciate yourself, when you do nothing but think thoughts that help you connect to yourself better. Thank you for reading. Much love and take care.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 3 ꒱

꒰ What are you looking for within a partner outside of worldly distractions, personal insecurities and limiting beliefs? ꒱

“Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick with you forever. Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick with you.” You probably dislike those who indulge in any sort of intoxication. You are into someone who is a bit bossy and controlling but deeply passionate, and fiercely loyal. Also, someone who would get jealous. You want to see them all riled up over you. You want them to desire power, wealth, status, etc. and be very fierce in approach to it but also not let these desires have a hold on them. You want them to have an empowered mindset and just truly be free. You want them to be someone who faces their fears and gains power out of it, instead of acting out in fearful and anxious ways. Like, for example, this person does not trust themself enough when it comes to singing in front of everyone, they choose to face that fear and lack of trust head on, and practice really hard, the first step being that they don’t sing well enough to be confident in their singing, they consciously decide and work hard in order to get better at that skill. That’s the kind of person you want to be with, someone who can turn fears into power. Also, someone who thinks or at least knows that everything is a learnable skill. You don’t want them to be someone who makes excuses about not doing or being certain things. You want them to be a winner in front of others. You want others to see them as hardworking, driven and successful. You also want them to possess a duality. You want them to be a kind and hardworking person who is well respected, and liked but also sorta underestimated and disrespected but the underestimation comes from fear or jealousy. You want them to be so powerful that their power is sort of hidden. I’m not sure how to explain it. You want them to be more powerful than people can fathom. I’m trying my best to put it into words but I’m unable to do so. Maybe you want someone who’s very difficult to describe, explain or understand? You want them to have a hypnotic effect on people that sort of breaks when they interact with them because they seem easy going to and easy to take for granted but then they still have power, and to be much more hardworking, firm and almost stoic than how they look. You want them to include you everyday. You desire to feel seen by them and feel special. You want someone who’s liked by other people to only like you and for those other people to witness it. You want their affection for you to be visible to everyone and for you to receive envy as well. You want them to take your breath away with their genuineness and how they’re loved, and looked up to by everyone. You want them to be emotionally intelligent and to genuinely care about your emotions.

I wonder if you have some unresolved emotional pain because you want them to have undergone enough to understand you and your pain. You want them to love themself a lot but be willing to martyr themself just a little bit for you. You don’t want to settle for someone who stops talking to other women, thirsting over celebrities, watching porn, etc. just because they’re dating you, you want them to normally be this way whether they’re dating anyone or not. You want them to be the kind to patiently work and wait for their fruits to show instead of talking to every woman, chasing them, clubbing every weekend, etc. You want them to look ethereal yet dangerous in some way. Possibly a taller, stronger or/and bigger physique. You want them to be known for being hardworking but not open enough. Someone who’s hard to get close to, someone who doesn’t let others into their life that easily. You want them to be someone who doesn’t let just anyone get to know them on a deep level. You want them to be a parent-like naturally. Someone who treats everyone well and with good intentions. You especially want this energy stronger with you, you want them to take care of you and do things for you just because they want to, just because they adore you. It’s very obvious that you want them to be nurturing and beautiful inside out. For you, outside beauty by itself won’t do much. When it comes to you, physical beauty is a lot about the image they have. Like, the way they carry themself, the aura they have, the reputation they have and the way other people view them. You’re attracted to those who make you feel better about yourself and rise you further in life. You want them to be a bit alone at their core and be fine with it. You want their main moral to be love, you want them to be someone who doesn’t separate from the essence of love no matter how successful they may get or the opposite end, how much life may betray them, how much they have have to hurt. You want them to be able to lead with love and be biased in their treatment of you. You want them to treat you differently from the rest of the people around you. Also, you want them to have a lot of willpower and power over their emotions. Also, someone who has the ability to get what they want in life no matter what. You want to be shown off to everyone and loved publicly because well, it’s sweet plus flattering. You love attention and affection, and want someone who’s not scared of loving you and choosing only you. Unfortunately, there’s a deep rejection wound that you seem to possess, it may not have been that you received a direct rejection but you felt like people were embarrassed of you and thought you weren’t good enough for them. This wound runs very deep and while it’s okay for you to desire to be loved publicly, you need to work on healing this wound.

꒰ Who do you need to become in order to attract them? ꒱

Firstly, you need to prioritise your personal healing. I just heard that there’s no one coming to save you. You need to understand that no matter what you go through, the healing is going to be personal to you and only you, no one else will be able to experience what you experienced and hence, help you heal. One thing that I won’t lie about is the one sidedness that you seem to have faced in life so far. You need to accept the one sidedness that you have experienced, even if it hurts and is not easy to accept, and move forward with it. “I’ve been big and small, and big and small, and big and small again but still nobody wants me, still nobody wants me, and I know no one will save me, I’m just asking for a kiss, give me one good honest kiss and I’ll be alright.” You’re desperately affection starved but focusing on how you’ve been starved of it won’t do any good. You need to learn how to nurture your soul affectionately outside of external validation and affection. One way to know that you’re on your way is if you are dealing with internal and external aggression or have already done so. You’re someone who wishes for your interactions with others to go smoothly but sometimes that’s just not how it goes, they may be rude, belittle you or just make a demeaning joke, and when you were younger, you’d likely have laughed it off and moved on but now you feel really really angry on the inside. There are times when you externally blow up on people as well. You are someone who is very extreme, there are or were times when you were incredibly submissive and nothing people said got to you to the point of ticking you off, and now, you desire for interactions to go smoothly so when that’s not the case, and when you feel disrespected, you blow up or at least feel really aggressive internally. You need to move past this thought process that your past trauma from one sidedness and other people’s thoughtless actions have given you. You didn’t mind it at that time but now that you look back, you feel really wronged and disrespected, and due to how you don’t want the history to repeat again, you’ve started putting people in their place even if it’s a bit extreme at times. I’m not sure but some of you here, probably many of you seem to be a real life version of Pearl. There’s a chance that you wanted to become an actress or actor, or still secretly dream of doing so, some of you may even be trying to pursue it. This seems to be a path that your heart never leaves. However, right now, you’re the “I’m not staying on this farm. Nothing’s gonna keep me here” or/and “why are you leaving me if I didn’t do anything wrong, I don’t understand, I thought you liked me” kind of Pearl. You need to find a way to be externally passionate such as finding new goals or hobbies. There’s just this zest for life that you need to develop. You need to have fun with whatever you’re doing, that’s for sure. Also, you don’t have to be a hundred percent honest and transparent with anyone, especially not with someone you don’t know well yet. Act strategically and don’t trust anyone. Trusting someone should come to you only after years of knowing that deeply. You’re being told to not be naive enough to forget the dark nature and psyche that human beings possess.

I just heard that not everyone is going to have your best interest at heart. Be secretive and never share your plans with anyone or even tell them what you’re doing to the full extent. “Even the people closest to you can use your strengths and weaknesses against you if the need be there. Your past is proof of it.” You’re also being told not to act out of anger or blow up on people. There was once a point when you could not say anything mean to people even if they were doing so to you because you are supposed to have and maintain a natural grace. Keep in mind that when you grab a burning coal and throw it at someone, you may or may not hurt them but you’re definitely hurting yourself. You doubt yourself for no reason and easily feel guilty because for you, judging (misjudging) yourself comes easier than to even just see or at least understand the wrongdoings of others. Which is why you’ve often taken unfair blame. You’re very critical of yourself which is good because you’re aware of your own wrongdoings but you need to stop being so hard on yourself especially knowing that others have done worse and don’t hold even half the remorse you do. Just use your self criticality to refine yourself further. Due to all the one sidedness that you’ve experienced, you wonder if you’re putting yourself out there in a manner which makes it hard for others to truly understand you but what you’re failing to realise is that you can’t make them understand you when they are committed to misunderstanding you. Partially, this self doubt is present because you feel like you’re a pretty good person at heart and even through actions, for the most part despite the mistakes that you may have made here and there. So when others do not see your worth or value, or even seem to understand you. It genuinely confuses you. You often overestimate other people, especially if there are personal feelings or desires involved, you need to understand and accept that who you’ve lost wasn’t even that great to begin with, what you’ve lost wasn’t even that great to begin with. Actually no, it was great but do you know why? Because of you and your efforts. Fight back for yourself when others misunderstand you but don’t try to fight back verbally because language will most definitely be mistranslated. Fight back through silence, fight back by removing yourself, fight back by getting better for yourself and surrounding yourself with better people. You need to put the past behind completely and not even think about it anymore. You need to move on without any regrets and mental or emotional attachment. “And now the chapter is closed and done, and now it’s goodbye, it’s goodbye for us.” This makes me so emotional. I’m not sure which cancer (or cancer placements) here dealt with a pisces or aquarius (or someone with those placements) but damn, the heartbreak seems to have been real. If not these placements, some of you could have similar placements like this. For example, aries with sagittarius/scorpio placements, taurus with capricorn/sagittarius placements, gemini with aquarius/capricorn placements, so on and so forth. I’m getting that majority of you probably dealt with pisces or aquarius placements or with neptune squares/pluto aspects in the astrological synastry or composite chart with someone though.

Sometimes, there’s just this thought in your mind that maybe your intense love nature and your willingness to ride or die is causing you to suffer. You’re someone who’s very responsible. Even if you don’t have the means to, you try to help others especially those you love. ‘Unconditionally’ by Katy Perry is coming through. You have the ability to stick with people through thick and thin, and you genuinely have the desire to do so, and receive the same from someone else as well but you’re going to face disappointments in your lifetime in regards to that. I’m not getting you simply just being slightly hurt by like a situationship, relationship or anything. I’m getting your soul merging with someone’s and having to have your heart and soul deal with the pain of separation with your beloved. You’re going to have to learn how to forgive and accept the situation as it was i.e. if they were capable of loving you the way you wanted and needed them to, if they were even just as half as loyal to you, if they genuinely wanted to be present, you’d be together. I’m literally crying at this point, this is very emotional. You’re supposed to learn how to find solace and stability within yourself without any external love or validation. Your romantic, intense and ride or die nature is an innate part of you, don’t remove it. Learn how to create a persona and character with this deeply integrated within yourself but have this acceptance that you should not have to settle for less. Develop the mindset of “I’d rather not be with anyone until I reach my death bed than settle.” You’re also being told to use your love to become a universal mother, to tend to others who need your love. You’re being told that your life will have to revolve around social service and mothering of some kind in order to attract your ideal type. The easiest way to do this is to deal with underprivileged children and just spread kindness to children in general. Always come out of any isolations (because you’re going to go through phases of it) with more love and service to give, and offer. When I’m telling you to be all of these things, I’m not asking you to change yourself, I’m only telling you to be who you are authentically and who you’re supposed to be, not just for them but also for yourself. So please take my words very seriously, it’s not just to attract someone outside of you but also to help you become happier and lead a better life. You need to continue valuing passion, having it as one of your main values and learn how to not go deep with just anyone and everyone because not everyone is deserving of the ride or die, intensely loving nature that you’re inevitably going to extend to them at some point. Appearance wise, you need to have a power due to how easy to underestimate you look but are actually not. Like, supposing you wear skirts and a lot of light colours (you don’t have to, it’s just an example), and have a baby face, others may assume that you haven’t achieved anything, and are reliant on your parents when in reality, you have a business that you’ll never give them enough details on. You also need to have an image of being someone busy who doesn’t give your attention to everybody who asks for it. “Act like you don’t need anyone’s attention, approval and validation.” Thank you for reading. Much love and take care.

[salemlunaa]

VOID STATE: LAZINESS IS A DISEASE, GET WELL SOON 🧸

get your ass up and get your dream life

*mild tough love because some of you need this*

so alot of people go on about how they procrastinate the void and shifting to their new reality because of fear. but alot of you do not want or care to admit that , you’re just too fucking lazy. And to that i say seriously?? You know that you can have ANYTHING, absolutely ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you dream of, with just a trip to the void state and yet you hold it off. “I’ll do it tonight” you say, even though the most groundbreaking thing you have done today was scrolling through your phone on this app and others (which is time that could have been spent tapping in). You torture yourself scrolling through tiktok and instagram, looking at others from afar with jealousy wishing you had their lives. You add posts into your favourites telling yourself “i’ll have that life someday”, “i’ll have that body soon”, “when i shift i’ll be as pretty as her” (when you could literally have all that and better RIGHT NOW) You insert yourself in different narratives, shows and groups you wish you were apart of, when you could literally shift to a reality where you are there.

you don’t have to look at them with jealousy

you dont have to get upset about your shitty life

you don’t have to imagine

you don’t have to want for anything

you don’t have to yearn, long, desire

it can be yours, if i’m honest you should be more excited about this, scripting anything you could ever possibly dream of, even the little details, and they could be YOURS. you should start being so much more excited about this, about your dream life, like seriously. And that excitement about having everything should motivate you to tap in. Instead your lazy ass has adopted a loser mentality, doing absolutely nothing all day telling yourself you’ll “try at night” and when you don’t get in you repeat the cycle. You abandon responsibilities telling yourself it doesn’t matter because “youre gonna shift anyways”, and you don’t even put in the actual effort. It’s a very dangerous cycle to go down and you can go from moving round that cycle once to doing it 30 times and before you know it you’ve spent a month in this rut.

you don’t have to wait until the night and you know that so don’t give me bullshit. Take those limiting beliefs away and do it at any time of day when you get the chance.

Do you know how lucky you are to even have the access to learn about this shit. There are probably so many people much more disciplined than you, that would do so much with this information, who don’t even have access to the internet or any outside resources to even reach this sort of information and you’re fucking wasting your days lurking on this app. doing what? And it’s sad because, this community is so small meaning you are here for a reason my love, all that shit you went through and didn’t deserve, you looked at it all and knew there was more out there for you, knew that you were deserving of more. And i’ll be dammed if your lazy ass ruins it for yourself.

You have overcomplicated the void so much to the point where you’re scared to “fail” and “let yourself down” so you put it off and say you’ll “do it later”. Now remember, you cannot fail the void, you cannot fail something that is inside you, something that IS you. What you fail to do is stand firm in the fact that you’re a god and can do anything, everything is easy for you so get off your ass and go shift.

i just HAD to 🤭 @smellofemale

you deserve everything, and you CAN, in fact, have it all. JUST DO IT 🥥💋

[cleolinda]

Phone scam gothic

So my mom sits down and starts telling me about two weird-ass phone calls she had today—she was returning a missed call, and the woman who answered just… sobbed for a minute. I’m sitting here asking, like, a whole minute? Nothing else, just sobbing? Who did you THINK you were calling back?

“United Healthcare, they have my Medicare plan. They’ve been calling me for weeks without leaving any voicemail.”

(Are you sure it was United Healthcare? “It was the same number that’s on my card, I checked, and that’s who the caller ID said it was.”)

Are you sure it was a whole minute? Did YOU say anything?

“Yes, like sixty seconds while I kept going ‘Hello? Hello?’ It sounded like she was having a nervous breakdown, I kept waiting to see if she’d tell me what was even wrong. Finally I just hung up.”

And then my mom turned right around and called back again, because she was gonna get to the bottom of this.

This time she got a different woman, perfectly calm, who wanted to set up “your in-home direct patient care home health visit.”

At this point (at this point?) I’m staring, because no one here currently has anyone coming to the house to help with any kind of medical care. My mom might honestly be the healthiest member of the household, but even I don’t use any home services, herniated discs and all. “Did they have you… confused with someone else?”

“No, she repeated my full name and phone number back to me.”

This lady then started ARGUING with my mother. Why don’t you want us to come to your house to manage your direct patient care? Don’t you need home health care to be managed? Why don’t you need home health care? Why would you not want home health care? “I JUST KIND OF HAVE HIGH CHOLESTEROL?” But don’t you want us to manage your home health care? “WHY DO YOU NEED TO COME TO MY HOUSE TO MANAGE HEALTH CARE I DON’T USE?”

My mom finally hung up on this lady as well, without giving her any real information.

The more we talked about it, the more things we started to notice:

I was incredibly creeped out by the unsolicited use of the word “manage,” for some reason. Very sinister “write me into your will” vibes for some reason—I don’t know what these people want, but they’re gonna get you to sign something over.

My mom got especially stuck on “WHY DO YOU NEED TO COME TO MY HOUSE?!”

My mom has used home health services before… years ago, before she was on Medicare. But this company wouldn’t know about that. However, if you’re on Medicare, you’re over 65. Having not ever dealt with my mother before, someone calling a Medicare user might be playing the odds that a person over 65 is 1) in frail health and 2) old enough to get easily confused.

Fair play to my mom, she’s the one who thought of number spoofing. I’m so busy not answering the phone ever and arranging all my medical communications to happen through passworded portals that I didn’t think of it.

Hey, are you guys, like… holding someone hostage…?

So at this point, I google “United Healthcare scam.”

The “health insurance counselor”

This fraudster will offer help navigating the health insurance marketplace for a fee, capitalizing on people’s confusion about the state-based health exchanges created through the Affordable Care Act.

What to know

This sort of assistance is indeed available and is legitimate, but the people who offer it – also known as “navigators” – aren’t allowed to charge for their services. Also, remember that people with Medicare coverage don’t need to use the state health exchanges. The exchanges are for people under the age of 65, who are looking to enroll in an individual health plan.

Change “navigate” to “manage,” and I think this is it, although the lady on the phone never mentioned any fees. Either my mom didn’t let her get that far, or this is the point of actually getting into someone’s house: persuading them face-to-face to pay something, and potentially refusing to leave until the scammer has worn their target down.

Medicare does not make unsolicited phone calls.

Okay, so it was a scam no matter what it was about. As far as I’m concerned, my mom should contact Actual United Healthcare about it, and I’m here to spread the good word of Never Believing Anyone on the Phone 2k24. I don’t know what to tell you about the lady having the nervous breakdown though.

[novy2sirius]

MERCURY HOUSE CORE ©novy2sirius

trigger warning: mental health issues, pedophilia, killing, physical health issues ☘️

this is just a random post abt things ppl with these placements could experience ☘️

these r only abt isolated placements so take it with a grain of salt bc the whole chart matters ☘️

a lot of these r experiences i’ve heard from my friends and ppl who’ve purchased readings from me directly ☘️

☿ mercury in 1h core

being diagnosed with more mental illnesses than u can count, being very intelligent which leads u to be anxious just by existing bc of all ur knowledge, saying things u don’t mean cuz u were angry, being told u have a youthful face, knowing a bunch of random facts abt things and telling ppl and them asking why tf u know that or care, hyper-fixating on things u can’t control, getting internet hate by simply existing, getting dmed sexual stuff by random weird dudes trying to prey on u (especially when ur younger), getting nauseous bc ur anxiety is so bad (especially before school), having sexy hands, skipping school to be on ur phone all day and do nothing, asking way too many questions bc of ur curiosity abt everything and annoying ppl (especially as a kid), giving ur opinion when no one asked for it, being told u could be a good rapper/singer, being rly good at flirting bc of ur charm, cussing a lot

☿ mercury in 2h core

being obsessed with mukbang/eating videos and then making urself rly hungry and being frustrated bc u can’t have the food they’re eating in the video, valuing ur own opinions more than others, not answering texts or calls bc ur too lazy to but then liking those same ppls posts on instagram, saying “um” too much or having a lot of pauses in between words bc ur a slow thinker, talking to ur toys as a kid when u were lonely, getting all ur food recipes from pinterest, buying online gift cards for ppl instead of putting effort into an actual gift/on the flip side if ur a more creative person putting a lot of thought into gifts, being good at making things from scratch, being more wealthy in online games than in real life, being obsessed w the papa’s food games on cool math as a kid, holding grudges against ppl who kill u on roblox, liking scents that smell like food or scents that make u smell rich/boujee, always making money, making money online

☿ mercury in 3h core

double texting bc u have sm to say and will forget abt it if u don’t type it immediately, being able to get lots of followers on social media, being gossiped abt online, being a huge reader, enjoying hearing abt other ppls drama but not wanting to be in any, having a child-like energy (this can be in a positive or negative way depending on what vibration ur at in life), saying childish things in arguments when ur at a lower vibration (example: meh meh meh :p), drama following u wherever u go, aging well, being obsessed with sims, not believing things unless there’s very good reasoning to back them up, being able to communicate well, being a talented writer, forming all ur opinions from ur older siblings (if u have any), math or literature being ur favorite subject, being a good driver, enjoying traveling but not for too long bc u get tired quickly of it, being charming af, being witty and quickly thinking of good jokes

☿ mercury in 4h core

posting all ur feelings on social media or going thru that emo phase in middle school where u would post those sad lyric vids on ur snapchat, ur family gossiping abt u a lot and u overhearing it in the next room, having a super low pain tolerance, enjoying watching self care vids, getting baby fever after seeing tiktoks of cute babies, being a rly good person to come to if someone needs a comfort person, living in an rv/camper at some point in ur life, telling ur mom everything and her giving u advice abt certain situations but then u don’t listen and she ends up being right abt the whole thing, coming to ur mom for advice on everything in general, ur mom being more childish than u, being able to write stories that readers rly emotionally relate to a lot, ur mom having videos of u still up on her facebook from when u were little that still haunt u to this day

☿ mercury in 5h core

being creative as hell, being a natural performer, having a fun childlike energy, being a huge risk taker and thrill seeker, being a talented actor, being rly good at video games and possibly becoming famous from playing them, living for the drama but not wanting to be a part of it, downloading tinder and not knowing y u don’t just delete it, being sassy, being told ur trying to hard to be the main character but u literally r the main character and can’t help that, not having ur first love until ur an adult and only experiencing puppy love in ur youth, going to a bunch of concerts, being turned on by wattpad stories and feeling like a whore bc of it, flirting w ppl online and then being scared to say anything to them in person when u see each other, being a good driver

☿ mercury in 6h core

ppl saying u come off super innocent (even if ur not), constantly doing things for others even when they don’t give the same energy in return, being obsessed with improving ur health or with videos online abt being healthy/fit, feeling awful before going to school bc it gives u horrible anxiety and makes u feel like ur gonna puke, thinking ur gonna get a stroke every time u have a normal headache (and being a hypochondriac in general), not functioning without consistency in ur life, having an entire pinterest board of cute animals, being good with animals, being obsessed w ur hygiene and feeling nasty when u don’t shower everyday, weirdly loving medical shows such as greys anatomy, having a lot of stomach issues

☿ mercury in 7h core

convincing ppl to do things with ur charm, wanting to tell ppl something and be honest with them but being too scared bc u don’t want them to hate u and r constantly afraid u’ll hurt them, copying ur romantic partners slang/ur partners copying urs, meeting lovers online, dating or marrying gemini/virgo placements, having age gaps in ur relationships, getting into a lot of conflicts online, ur ex partner/ex best friends posting abt u and subbing u (not saying ur name directly but talking abt u) online after u have a fallout, flirting with ppl on club penguin or roblox when u were younger, changing ur opinions easily based on what ur partner or close friends think, dating ppl when ur too young to even drive, posting a lot abt ur relationship online

☿ mercury in 8h core

analyzing ppl well and understanding them before anyone else does, ppl randomly telling u their deepest darkest secrets when u didn’t even ask, being interested in the way ppls minds work which leads u to become obsessed w books abt psychology/astrology/tarot/etc, starting to masturbate from a rly young age that’s almost concerning, having a lot of mental health issues bc of ur childhood trauma, using dark humor as a way to cope with ur trauma, not realizing how much trauma u’ve went thru until someone verbally tells u that u’ve been thru a lot (usually a therapist), being a tomboy as a kid, being obsessed with true crime, being told ur mysterious, saying out of pocket shit that has high shock value, being stalked online

☿ mercury in 9h core

having a more optimistic mindset than everyone around u, enjoying traveling a lot, wanting to leave ur hometown as soon as possible, driving when traveling instead of taking a plane cuz u don’t wanna pay for the flight, majoring in communications or something involving technology or literature, having an interest in other cultures more than ur own, coming off as intelligent bc of the way u talk and ur mannerisms, being told that u could be a good lawyer from a young age, being a good interviewer, knowing multiple languages, having logical ethics, being a comedian, being an amazing story teller

☿ mercury in 10h core

trying to keep ur daily life private and ppl still getting in ur business, being able to influence the public easily bc they seem to care a lot abt what u say, being famous on social media, being a famous singer, rumors being spread abt u to the public, having a talent for teaching others, having goals that u set as a kid that u feel u must fulfill, having a career involving cars, having a career involving technology, having a career involving writing/literature, being seen as someone who’s intelligent (especially in ur workplace), having dad humor, coming off as a know it all (10h is associated with experts and mercury is the thinking/the mind), being known for ur humor and how funny u r, playing online games that involve having a job such as papa’s freezeria

☿ mercury in 11h core

having random bursts of creative ideas and doing crazy stuff like writing an entire movie and then literally forgetting abt it the next day, ur best friends being ur siblings, having the most random thought processes, being able to make friends easily, having lots of online friends, being clumsy as hell, having a fan page/editing page when u were younger, being known as “the weird kid” in school (this doesn’t mean it’s always in a bad way tho it can mean in a unique/fun way), being popular online, having unique mannerisms, having a unique voice/unique speech patterns, being a good rapper, being dragged into online drama, cussing a lot, saying random things out of nowhere like ice bear from we bare bears, having a lot of ideas that r unique bc u think outside of the box, having unique perceptions, constantly changing ur mind abt things

☿ mercury in 12h core

speaking/writing things into existence with minimal effort, being obsessed with the feeling of nostalgia and making urself feel it then regretting it bc it hurts, ppl interrupting u and talking over u a lot, ppl ignoring what ur saying and making u feel like a ghost, having a huge interest in spiritual things, manipulating and lying a lot when at a lower vibration, being bullied (especially as a kid/in school), feeling lonely even when ur literally socializing or at a social function, having an astrology account, having more online friends than friend’s in person, daydreaming a lot in social settings (and in general), gaslighting ppl when at a lower vibration, being able to speak to the dead thru ur dreams, hearing ppl talking when ur half asleep, sleep walking, being sensitive to things ppl say but trying to hide it, healing ppl through ur words, hiding ur true thoughts abt someone, hiding ur true intentions, having strong emotional intelligence when at a high vibration, easily figuring out what someone’s feeling, being able to do rly good impressions

[lucyandthepen]

get you alone | ljn ( m )

ideally, jeno should have his hands full with teaching. (un)fortunately, he only seems to have his head full of you.

pairing: tutor!jeno x reader verse: college au rating: r ( minors, do not interact! ) warnings & tags: jeno is a college algebra math tutor & reader is failing, written in lapslock, not beta’d in any shape or form so please excuse mistakes, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it, folks), piv, oral (f!receiving), use of pet names (kitten, angel, sweetheart), praise, reader calls jeno ‘sunbae’ until she doesn’t, size kink i guess if u squint! word count: 8.5k

a/n : actually this was written for a different fandom but i’ve decided to make it a jeno fic bc idk why not! first time writing in a different perspective so it’s a bit odd for me & i can't say i fw with this style nor am i particularly proud of this fic but she is ... sumn! also i fear i have a thing for the math tutor trope but that’s neither here nor there AHA enjoy !! 

if you liked it, please consider reblogging to support (especially because this may get flagged for mature content)!

there wasn’t anything special about your case; at least, that’s what jeno had thought when he picked up your request before he met you. before he met you, you were just another student trying to demystify the painfully enigmatic art of getting through college algebra. before he met you, he had already tagged this case as another charity stint — a good way to get brownie points with the dean’s office and the mathematics and natural sciences department. in fact, thinking of all his tutoring cases as community service made them somewhat palatable, if not a little forgettable. he was quite sure, at the time, that you’d be in and out — both of the tutoring center and his memory. such was the case with most of his other tutees, anyway. 

he hadn’t expected you to be… well, you — a pretty little thing, with your sweet smile and your wide doe eyes. on the first day, you’d stood out; you’d arrived at the tutoring center’s lobby in a short dress, knit cardigan, and coquettish makeup, as if every fiber of your being were bidding the spring a solid farewell. multiple heads had turned, including his, as you came up to the front desk and asked for one lee jeno for college algebra. you were eager for summer, jeno had learned as you broke the ice little by little, in part because you looked forward to visiting okinawa with your family, but also because you were eager to get your first semester out of the way. that much, you had in common with most of his other students — almost all of the ones seeking help in college algebra only took it as a depressing core requirement of whatever degree they were doing. you, specifically, were focusing on fashion design; that very vividly explained your attention to your looks. this mathematics class was a thorn in your side, a mandatory thing that was simply supposed to get you through later business-oriented classes in your degree program. for jeno, however, college algebra had become the perfect excuse from the moment he’d laid eyes on you. 

the more time he spends with you, the more he thinks you’re exactly his taste. it starts off with little things he finds attractive, things he picks up while he’s watching you fill out the practice sheets he’s prepared for you on quadratic equations or while trying to get you to understand logarithms — your neat, tiny handwriting, almost like print; your habit of boxing your final answers in firm strokes, even if they’re hopelessly wrong; your colored tabs, cascading down the page side of your textbook. but as the weeks wear on, he sees all the little things in between — the way your long eyelashes quiver when you stop and close your eyes as you think for the answer, the upturn of your plush lips when you have the same answer on the practice sheet as he does, the deepening of your artificial blush with a natural hue when you realize you don’t know the answers to his gentle questions. he notices that you refuse to wear anything longer than a knee-length skirt despite the still-strong winds, notices that your tiny palms are always smooth and pink, that your hair always smells of coconut milk. these are things he can’t help but jot down in his memory — that was exactly what you were, after all: memorable. 

and the more he remembers about you, the more jeno wants you. yet he’s never made a move, never given so much as a hint of his interest, not only because there are prying eyes all around the building but also because you have never so much as shown a smidge of desire back. in fact, he has to wonder if you’ve ever thought of him in a different capacity — not as a tutor, but as a man. if you have, you’ve never made that obvious; you always talk to him respectfully, the little wall you’ve erected between the both of you remaining steady, and you never let your eyes linger on his face for longer than it takes for him to explain what you don’t know. jeno has had his fair share of female students, and in all of them, he’s seen the same kind of hunger — to few, he’s catered to their whims, if only to pass the time, if only for his own benefit. but you, with your ribbons in your hair and your sweet, sweet mouth, have never once shown that same kind of desire. 

he doesn’t know if it frustrates him, but he does know one thing — it makes him want you all the more. 

he wants you even now, as you sit across from him, dolled up as usual. even now, as your eyes take on a glassy sheen of defeat, your cheeks puffing out in the way that tells him you’re admonishing yourself once again, he craves you — maddeningly so. and he realizes that it doesn’t really matter if you're not the one to fall first, as long as he can still have you. 

“time out,” you beg, your fingers meeting the palm of your hand to signal a break. “my brain feels like it’s going to explode.”

“you just had a break ten minutes ago,” jeno reminds you, though there’s a lighthearted amusement to his voice that makes you smile sheepishly. “at this rate, you’ll be on more breaks than you’ll be taking the time to actually learn.”

“i’m trying,” you groan, your fingers curling against your forehead as you bump your head against your fist. “i just don’t think i’m cut out for this polynomial whatever — trial and error bullshit.” 

“you’ll hate me for saying this — but you’ll never know unless you keep trying.” 

“funny.” your sigh rustles the papers in front of you gently. “how do you do it, sunbae?”

“hm?” 

“you’re not only good at this stuff, but you’re so good you’re able to take the time to teach people like me.” 

“strengths and weaknesses — it’s the natural way of the world.” jeno smiles gently at you, and he notes how his chest feels tighter when you return the sentiment shyly. “i could never do what you’re doing in your own degree, try as i might. anyway, you’ll get there. i won’t let you become my first ever failed project, you know.”

“i wouldn’t want to let you down either, sunbae, but—” the back end of your pencil taps lightly against the surface of the table. “it just feels hopeless. i can’t focus on anything. it’s so… so abstract, and everyone here is talking all at once, and i don’t even know what i’m ever going to get out of this class in the long run.” 

even when you’re dejected, you look pretty; your bottom lip juts out naturally when you whine like this, and for a moment, jeno can’t say anything in response. he’s too busy wondering what your mouth would feel like on his — on him. when he snaps himself out of his brief reverie, he notices you’re looking around at everyone else — and he has to agree that with the noise level in this whole building, it isn’t the most conducive site for learning, especially when the learner is already so averse to the subject matter.

“i can’t help much in the way of it being too abstract,” he says kindly. “but it’s not a requirement for us to have our sessions here. i know it can be quite distracting, all these voices flying around, so why don’t you look for a place that better suits you, and we can start meeting there instead? the more comfortable you are in your environment, the better you’ll be able to absorb the material, i’m sure.” 

“you think?” your pencil comes to a slow halt as you refocus on him, a thoughtful light glimmering behind your gaze. “yeah — yeah, i actually wouldn’t mind that. then, i’ll look for a different place for us to meet, and we can start there next week. how does that sound?”

“whatever suits you suits me,” he responds easily. 

he lowers his gaze immediately after you flash him a blinding grin; there are far too many people here, as you both very well know, and if he keeps looking at you and your pretty little expressions any longer, he might just give them something to actually look at. 

it had been your idea, not his, so why did jeno feel like he’d dragged you into a compromising situation?

you’d texted him over the weekend that your search for a new venue had been absolutely fruitless; every cafe and study space you’d been to was either too expensive or equally as packed with people, if not both. jeno had seen the preview to your message, but he hadn’t been prepared for what it read out in full when he’d actually opened it. 

sunbae, would it be too difficult to just meet at my apartment? i attached a map, so let me know!

it wouldn’t be too difficult; logistics-wise, it was walking distance from campus and almost directly across the train station he takes home. it also definitely promised an environment you were comfortable in, and you wouldn’t have to worry about excess noise from any other tutoring groups. no, the difficulty really only lied in himself — you two, all alone, would certainly mean his mind would be up to no good for the two hours every monday, wednesday, and thursday you would be together. 

but for your sake, he’d try to rein it in, with the operative word being try. 

your place is as neat and as pretty as you are; he doesn’t know if you’ve cleaned up for him, or if you’re naturally this organized, but he likes it all the same. it smells of toasted marshmallow and expensive perfume, and all your furniture matches. jeno supposes he likes that in a woman — someone able to care for herself, someone who cares about herself. and you’re always just as neat and pretty to match, with your hair always styled sweetly, your makeup always enhancing your features. 

the problem is that now that he’s in here, where you live, and where you spend most of your time, jeno’s mind seems to wander too much towards thoughts about what you do in private. he rejects studying on the couch, not just because it’s bad for posture and concentration but also because he can’t help but imagine you pressed into the cushions by his hand. he suggests the small dining table you have, but on the second meeting at your place, he starts thinking about what you might look like seated on the table, your ass hanging over the edge and his face buried between your thighs. whenever you look up to ask him something, he drinks in your lovely, made-up face again, and starts wondering what your makeup would look like ruined before he interrupts that trainwreck of a thought with the answer to your question. 

by the end of the week, jeno’s defenses are all but shot, and he realizes that this situation might be optimal for you, but it definitely isn’t doing him and his now constantly straining cock any great favors. 

he supposes that your performance has somewhat improved; you’re less likely to trail off when you’re thinking and can actually do practice sets for a lot longer without all the noise and hubbub around you. your only real hindrance is yourself and your frustration; you have a habit of giving into your carelessness that sends you spiraling into despair, and it doesn’t help that when you press your cheek against the surface of your dining table and whine, the comfort jeno offers is noticeably delayed because he’s too busy thinking about his cock between your lips. 

“my dad’s going to kill me if i fail this midterm,” you grumble, stabbing the practice sheet with your pencil; it skids sideways, and jeno robotically fixes it back into proper alignment for you, careful not to brush against the arm that’s folded inwards, supporting your chin. “he only agreed to let me take this degree because of the business aspect of it. as if i’ll need to know about—” you check the header of the worksheet. “domain and range when i’m doing actual design work.”

“you’ll never know what might be useful later on in life. i definitely thought this was nonsense back in high school — and then i got this job.” 

“and now you’re rolling in dough?” you smile slightly. jeno chuckles. 

“i’m a long way away from having myself a scrooge mcduck golden pool, but i make enough to get by very comfortably, thanks to this.” 

“thanks to me, you mean.”

“you’re not my only student,” he snorts, pinching your elbow; you cry out exaggeratedly. “focus up. the hour’s almost over, and you should have finished with this much earlier.”

“can you leave it as homework?”

“not a chance.”

you blow out a sharp puff of air. “my mom used to do this thing where she’d give me rewards if i did well with my homework. i wish i’d still get something out of this.” 

“what kind of rewards did she give you?” 

“chocolates — candy, or sometimes we’d go out for milk tea together, if i did a particularly good job.”

“this is math tutoring, not a trip to the dentist,” jeno says, amused. 

“a trip to the dentist would be more enjoyable,” you mutter under your breath, picking up your pencil and doodling an angry face next to the number you’re only halfway through solving. “this totally blows.” 

“try to finish this before the hour’s up, and i’ll see if i can get you something nice. out of my own paycheck,” he stresses, prodding at your cheek to shift your attention back to the paper. he doesn’t miss the fact that your eyes light up, childish as the promise is. 

he doesn’t know if that’s really what motivates you, but you do manage to finish the worksheet with a few minutes to spare before the clock hits seven, and that earns you some light, solo applause. it isn’t much by way of true praise, but you flush with pride all the same. jeno packs his things in silence as you get yourself a glass of water, and you see him to the door. only there does he notice your eager eyes, your expectant smile. 

“what’s going through that pretty little head of yours?”

“are you really going to give me a reward? i did great today, you know,” you respond bluntly. 

“you were serious about that?” he laughs. 

“absolutely. i earned it.” you raise a slim finger, wagging it in his face. he trails it with his gaze, no shortage of amusement in his eyes. “next monday, i want something sweet.”

jeno takes in the sight of you, keeping your door open with your hip; he wonders if you know what you’re doing to him, what you’re asking of him — if you even know there’s nothing that could possibly be sweeter than you at this very moment. he drinks in the sight of your feigned haughty expression on your pretty features, the unnervingly low dip of your tank top, the tempting hemline of your shorts, and feels like you must be aware of what he’s going to do next. 

“if it’s something sweet you want, you don’t have to wait until next week.” 

he does it before he can think it through — surely, there’s nothing too harmful about a quick kiss? he angles your chin upward with his thumb and forefinger before you can even react to his words, and he tastes you like that for the first time. you’re just as soft and as sweet as he’d imagined, if not more so. 

when jeno pulls away, you step back; there’s shock written all over your face, your mouth still hanging open slightly. your voice is gentle, shaky when you start speaking. 

“sunbae, wha—”

“see you next week. rest up over the weekend, or there’ll be consequences.” 

he finds it easy to joke with you now, even after what he’s done — finds it easy to wave goodbye with nonchalance as he walks to the elevator, now that he’s gotten one thing out of his system. the look on your face, the growing blush across the bridge of your nose and your temples is indication enough for jeno to feel confident — if you hadn’t thought about him that way before, you were sure to spend the next few days doing exactly that. 

it’s exactly a week before your midterm exam, and jeno notices you’re less than focused. 

he’d let you stew over the weekend, not expecting much by way of communication; indeed, his phone hadn’t once been jostled by your texts. he’d taken that silence to assume that you’d been wrapped up in thoughts of the kiss he’d left you with, and you did not disappoint on that front; the next monday saw you fidgety, flushed, and constantly faltering in your words. you asked less questions, which normally indicated a problem, but today, he’d let it slide; you definitely had a little too much on that pretty little brain of yours. 

he notices you’re still dolled up — your eyelids are shimmery, and your lips are glossy; you’re wearing a tennis skirt that hits all the right buttons for him, too. it’s true that you’re always pretty well-dressed and put together, but today somehow feels different. if before, jeno had always seen you dressed up simply to look good, today it feels a little more like you’re dressed up to look good for him. he knows it’s a little bit egotistical to assume as much, but he also doesn’t miss the side glances you throw at him when you think he’s not looking at you answering your textbook or the way your cheeks glow when you make the slightest bit of eye contact. 

still, you try to focus as much as you can; it’s adorable, in fact, to see all your valiant efforts to appear unperturbed. he figures he’ll play along for as long as you will — what matters to him, after all, is that you’re in the game to begin with. you complain less today, focus on your worksheets, and jeno even manages to witness the sight of your forehead creasing up as you concentrate on a particularly difficult item. you’re adorable, in the kind of way that makes him want to pin you down and have his way with you. 

you finish your work without a fuss today; you only actually asked for his help twice, which was a feat in and of itself. and again, when the session is over, you walk him to the door.

this time, when you linger, he waits; you’re clearly not good at hiding your true intentions, as it’s become clear you have something you want to say. as you try to piece your thoughts together, jeno reaches into his backpack’s front pocket and extracts today’s gift — an actual chocolate bar, albeit a rather run of the mill one. 

“what’s this?” you ask, your thought process clearly derailed as confusion takes over your features. 

“your reward. for a good job last week and today — you said you wanted one, didn’t you?” 

“but i thought—” you stop yourself, your mouth opening and closing, suddenly wordless. jeno grins. 

“not good enough? i picked that up from a convenience store on my way here, so it definitely isn’t anything special, but i thought it would at least be a good motivator.”

you’re turning red, and there’s turmoil in your eyes — he enjoys this, he realizes, the way he flusters you. if he had known this would be the result, he would have made a move much sooner. you shift your weight from one foot to the other, back and forth, obviously weighing out your options too. finally, you say, “alright.”

“you seem disappointed.”

“i’m not.”

“i’ll get you a better brand next time, if you really don’t like it.” 

“it’s not that.”

“so what is it?” he doesn’t expect you to say it, and you don’t defy expectations; your bottom lip just quivers, and jeno chuckles low under his breath, stepping forward just past your doorway, just a little bit closer to you. “don’t tell me you wanted something completely different?”

you don’t say so, but he knows; he can tell by the way you tilt your head back, the way your lips part slightly, the gloss still trailing along the seam. he can tell by the way your torso arches just a little bit closer, almost like an accident. he can tell by the way your eyes bore into his, almost pleading. 

“what you did last week…” you start, but your voice trails off into nothing soon after. he chuckles again.

“ah, that. i might have gotten ahead of myself.” 

“was that all?” you press.

“and what would you do, if it wasn’t?”

“well — do you always like to play games?”

“i have a penchant for playing with my food before i eat it, if that answers your question.” he smiles down at your still-reddening face. “i was giving you a reward, as you wanted. i came up short on options then and there. you’ll let it slide this once, won’t you?”

“you did that just because i did well last week?”

“of course.”

“well, i did well today, too.” 

“you did, and that’s why you have this.” he gestures to the chocolate bar in your hand. 

“i don’t want this.” your voice is stubborn now, heated and frustrated, and you stuff the chocolate back into his hand. you must not like having to ask for something so blatantly — it’s too bad jeno wants to hear it in those exact words. 

“tell me what you really want, then.” 

you’re still unable to find the words, but your hands do the talking for you; they press into his shoulders and give you leverage to tiptoe until you’re just close enough to his lips. but you don’t close that gap, your mouth quivering only inches away from his, and oh, jeno wants to toy with you, but you’re just too irresistible this close to him. his warm palms press against your jaw, keeping your face steady as he closes the gap, and this time, he doesn’t just get a brief taste of you — jeno claims your lips with the thirst of a man who’s stumbled upon an oasis in the desert. 

you must have thought about this moment long and hard over the weekend, because the nonchalant side of you that’s turned a blind eye to him is completely gone; he drinks in your soft noises and short, breathless gasps — all signs of your eagerness — until he’s drunk on the taste of you. the deeper the kiss gets, the less you can keep up, but you try, and jeno always likes rewarding your efforts, his wide tongue taut and flush against your tiny one in the sweet, warm cavern of your mouth. he licks every inch of it, leaves the mild nicotine taste of himself there, before he pulls away slowly. your eyes are still closed when he creates distance, fluttering open in a happy haze a few seconds later. 

“good enough for you?” he murmurs, tucking a soft lock of hair behind your ear. you hum in assent through your dazed smile, and jeno knows he won’t be the only one looking forward to this coming wednesday.

you’d done really well today.

jeno’s proud of you — prouder than he’s been of most of his students in his career here at the university, actually. you’d finally answered a worksheet almost perfectly, save for a couple of numbers where you’d forgotten to round up, and those things are absolutely negligible at this point (by his books, anyway). you’ve been on your best behavior yet, avoiding all forms of complaint, and he knows fully well why, but he won’t criticize you for your hard work all the same, no matter the motivation behind it. 

in fact, you’ve done so good that he doesn’t wait until he’s about to leave to give you your sweet reward — which is why, twenty minutes before he’s meant to go, he’s got you on your couch, your legs spread, each one hooked over his shoulders. 

truth be told, you’d been good way before the lesson had started; you’d answered the door in a crop top and the tiniest pair of shorts you’ve dared to wear yet — all clothes that you couldn’t yet wear outside yet, given the weather. selfishly, jeno is thankful for this fact, and if he had to list down other things he’s thankful for, just off the top of his head, it’s that you no longer meet in the tutoring center and that your apartment’s walls seem thick and well-reinforced. 

“sunbae, don’t tease me.” your silly little whining voice makes its first appearance of the day, but all jeno does is smile — it’s an almost wicked expression, set firmly between your thighs. “you said i did really well today. don’t tell me you’re backing out on rewarding me?”

“not at all, sweetheart,” he hums, pressing a small kiss to your inner thigh. he likes seeing you shiver at the contact, likes the way you’re chewing on your lip in what appears to be slight agitation. “just thinking of how much of a reward you deserve.” 

in all honesty, jeno would like to take every bit of you now; you’re already so ready for him, anyway. he can smell the faint perfume of your arousal, can see the way you’re anticipating the most from him, and a part of him doesn’t want to deny you of that. the larger part of him has dreamed of burying his cock into you, anyway, and why wouldn’t he do that? but something also tells him to wait — or, rather, to make you wait, to make you want him just a little more. 

and so, he decides.

his mouth finds your skin again, pressing kisses up your thigh; they get wetter, hotter as his mouth moves up, until his nose and lips are buried against your clothed core. you squirm in response, but his grip on your thighs keeps you relatively steady, even as his tongue presses against thin fabric. the wet muscle pushes sharp against your tiny entrance, the tip meeting slight resistance against your shorts and panties, but he finds a way, burying half his tongue in alongside damp cloth. 

you’re already wet like this, and so needy that it might be possible for jeno to get you off just like this, still clothed, but the hunger in him spikes once you call out to him. 

“sunbae, please…”

with a groan, his fingers yank the fabric aside, exposing your pussy to the warmth of his breathing. it’s as pink, as pretty, as tiny as the rest of you, as fuckable as he’d imagined it would be, and he wastes no time in pressing his tongue flat against your folds, dragging it up in a wide, messy stripe; the muscle only tenses when it bumps against your clit, his tongue flicking upwards to tease it. 

you’re so reactive, even at the slightest things — you whimper, you squeeze your eyes shut, you squirm. you’re begging to be fucked, and jeno’s cock is strained tight against his jeans, but your taste is so addicting that he can’t help but dive back in. his tongue eases between your folds now, spreading them apart until they’re lewd and sticky with his saliva, and the nub of your clit has grown so pronounced now — so pert and lovely that he can’t help but purse his lips around it and suck with excess force. 

“sunbae — f—fuck,” you mewl; you almost sound tearful. “f—feels so good…”

jeno wants to tell you how fucking good you taste, how beautiful the sounds you’re making are, but his mouth is too busy; his teeth rake down your cunt lightly, earning him a jerk of your hips, and he has to place pressure down on your thighs again to make sure you’re still enough for him to slip his tongue into your cunt. 

he can tell even just by that how tight you’d be around him; your walls are warm around his tongue, and there’s a pressure against the muscle that tells him how good it’d feel for his cock to take its place. as if to simulate his desires, he presses his tongue deeper in, fucks you shallowly with its wetness until your whimpers become little sobs, broken and choked back. his thumb drags across your slit then settles against your clit, and he can feel the thrum of your pulse against the pad of his finger, beckoning him. he complies, easily, thumb tracing circles around the nub that start off slow, only for him to ramp up the pace alongside his tongue. 

you’re easily at fault for that; the way you whine for him, call him sunbae, tell him how good it feels over and over — why wouldn’t he want more of you? 

he’s not sure which of you really earns the sweet reward today; you cum on his tongue, your cunt trembling against his mouth and your fingers threaded into his hair, but he’s the one who comes out licking his lips like he’s had the best treat of his damn life.

come the middle of next week, jeno finds himself face to face with a test paper — one already clearly marked, with a number circled on the top-right corner. ninety. a stellar grade for anyone, and especially for you. 

you know it, and you look absolutely triumphant; you’re practically shining as you perch on your little dining table, your perfectly manicured finger jabbing at the score in emphasis. 

“flying colors, wouldn’t you say?” 

“color me impressed,” jeno replies smoothly, a genuine smile of pride tugging at his lips; he turns the page over, scanning your responses. you still draw your parabolas a little on the small side, making them a bit difficult to discern, and you’ve still got the habit of not rounding your answers up, but this is tremendous work, and he’ll be the first to praise you for it. “your dad must be filled to the brim with joy now, right?”

“i haven’t told him yet. you were the first.”

“well, i’m proud of you, sweetheart.” 

“proud enough to give me a reward?” 

he looks down at you in feigned thoughtfulness. here you sit, back in your little tennis skirt, looking up at him with hopeful eyes under those long, curled lashes. for someone who spent the first half of this semester acting ostensibly nonchalant, you’d very easily shown your true colors soon after — not that he really minds. in fact, he’s taken a decided kind of liking to how eager and willing you’ve come to be. 

“we’ve only just started our session, though,” he hums out, an idle thumb grazing his chin as he watches your expression turn from bright to cloudy, the beginnings of strategy darkening your gaze. it’s not like he wants to say no; he has no real intention to. but seeing you squirm in want makes him feel good about his decision to hold out a little longer — never mind the ache in his cock even then. “don’t we usually leave the rewards for a later time?” 

“i was thinking — since it’s the start of a new lesson —” 

“we wouldn’t want you falling behind from the start, would we?”

“i promise i won’t,” you pout. “i promise i’ll put in my best effort next time.” 

“next time? sweetheart, don’t tell me you’re thinking to get off scot-free today…” jeno trails off, his hand falling to the nearest surface it can reach — which, logic seems to dictate, is your soft, milky thigh. he feels you tense under his palm, and he bites back a smile, keeping his expression level. “i just don’t know.”

your small hands grip at the front of his shirt, and he hears you, for the first time, doing something he’s always wanted to hear you do. 

“please, sunbae?”

how could he say no to you? he hadn’t really planned on it, had only wanted to see you do this, but it’s still too much and beyond his expectation — your misty gaze, your quivering lip. it’s almost laughable that you don’t think he’d notice the way you shift yourself so that his hand, still warm against your thigh, slides up your skin, the hem of your skirt bunched up in the junction between his thumb and forefinger.

jeno chuckles — isn’t this exactly where and how he’s always wanted you? “how could you ask me like that and expect me to refuse, angel? in that case, i have no real choice but to dedicate all our time today to your reward.” 

your breathing hitches — in anticipation, in desire, in excitement — as his hand continues its trail upward, deliberately now, fingers hooking into the waistband of your panties. his head dips down, rests into the crook of your neck, and he inhales the thick, sweet scent of your perfume, your shampoo, of you and all that he’ll take from you. 

“just remember, you asked for this,” he murmurs against your skin. “so i’m going to take every bit of you until there’s nothing left for anyone else.” 

you’re so willing, so ready even before he can get his full bearings; your hips are rising slightly off the table, and jeno feels like it’s you that’s telling him to move faster. he tugs down your panties, letting gravity take its course until they’re a tiny puddle of fabric on the floor, and he slots himself between your legs. like this, you have no choice but to spread, and you do so without hesitation, your knees locking against his sides as he pulls you in for a tight, hungry kiss. there’s that taste of you he loves, that clean, sweet buzz that draws him in, and his hands are bruisingly tight on your waist as he reclaims your lips. 

you already look dazed when he pulls away, which is always cute, but a little unfair — jeno wants you to be aware still when he takes you, and damn, if he doesn’t want to take you right fucking now. he kisses you again, harder and more demanding, as if willing your attention back to him, while his hands explore you — run up your thighs, fingers brushing against the plush curve of your ass. it’s not enough, not by a long shot, and he’s pushing the waistline of your skirt up your stomach with his hands, letting his warmth transfer onto your skin; he chuckles as your stomach sucks inward at his touch, just as you let out a gasp against his lips.

and he wants desperately to hear that noise again; in fact, he wants to know what you sound like in every capacity. his mouth works down your neck, pleased to find that suckling wet and languid on a spot just above your collarbone has you writhing and whimpering. are you sensitive or touch-starved? whatever the reason, he wants to draw all of that out of you, his hands drawing back down to hook under your thighs. jeno drags you to the edge of the table, until your bare cunt is flush against the front of his jeans, and he lets you feel him — a brief tease of what’s to come. 

“i’m s—so wet already,” you whisper, as if he doesn’t know — as if you know it’s exactly what he wants to hear anyway. “sunbae, please, i need you.”

“not that,” he murmurs, his teeth grazing your collarbone as he speaks. “not sunbae. jeno. call me jeno, angel.”

“jeno,” you exhale shakily, and it’s music to his ears — as if the last thing holding him back from you had shattered. 

“that’s it — what a good girl,” he purrs, his hips rocking forward against your pussy before they retract, leaving just enough space for his hand to slip between. slender fingers trail down your folds, sticky and slick. “you are all wet for me, aren’t you? ready to take me deep inside?” 

even the way you nod, a tiny movement of assent, drives him wild, yet a part of him still wants to test the limit of your patience, his middle finger stretching to circle your entrance. 

“wouldn’t want to shock your tiny little pussy, though, would i? will you let me stretch you out first, kitten?”

“yes,” you mewl, sounding almost tearful. “anything— anything, please.”

jeno drinks in the long, drawn-out keen you set free when his digit sinks into you; he’s already felt your walls against his tongue, but a small part of him is still surprised at just how tight you are. that same part nags that he might not fit easily into you, but whatever that voice is is easily drowned out by a more assertive promise — he’ll make it fit. 

“can’t tell you how much i’ve wanted to feel your pretty little hole around my cock,” he presses on, his finger pushing deeper in; he feels you tense a delicious kind of tightness, as if it’s almost too much for you. is it? “ever since that first day you came into the tutoring center, dressed up all cute — did you do that on purpose, sweetheart?”

“yes,” you admit, breathless; the syllable is lengthened into a weak moan as jeno pumps his finger into you, slow, deep strokes that tease your tacky walls open. “wanted — wanted to make a good impression…”

“and you did, didn’t you? kept looking so sweet for me, so pretty every single time — got me thinking about all the ways i wanted to have you. got me so fucking hard every time we’d meet — is that what you wanted?”

jeno doesn’t give you much room to respond, but he can make his own answers to appease himself anyway; he reclaims your lips, already eager for another taste of you, and you comply with the same amount of desire, your soft whimpers melting against his teeth. in the space of pseudo silence, wet, messy noises, he manages to tease another digit into you, and you cry out against his lips as it pushes in, joining the first in how deep it reaches. he absorbs that too, takes in every minute sound you make, relishes the way you pulse around his fingers. even without the noises, he can tell your pleasure’s heightening, with the way you clench around him, your hips rocking pitifully as you’re eager to rut against his palm. 

“look at you now.” he’s selfish, but he doesn’t care — he wants to ruin you, and if the telltale squelch of your cunt as he fucks his fingers into it isn’t indication enough, then the way your mouth hangs open as he pulls away, letting his name fall freely from your lips, definitely is. “legs spread, all desperate to feel good for me. what a needy little kitten you are. this good enough for you, angel?”

you shake your head, only to squeal as he pulls you closer, his fingers shoving deeper into you; your hips are re-angled, allowing him to brush the pads of his digits against the rough, sweet spot, and he feels triumph bloom in his chest as you throw your head back, teary eyes squeezed shut.

“no, no, no,” you babble, and he can see the bob of your throat as you swallow hard, clutching at sense to make words. “want — need your cock, want to cum on your cock so badly, jeno — want you to fuck me, stretch me open, please —”

“greedy, aren’t you?” he murmurs, leaning in to nip at the spot he’d left reddened above your collarbone. “go on then — show me how much you want it. show me what a good girl you are, and cum on my fingers.” 

“but—” 

“come on, angel,” he urges above the squelching noises, increasing surely in volume. his fingers meet resistance when they spread apart inside you, but all it does is create a delicious friction that has you squirming in his hold. “don’t hold back. let me see you fall apart.” 

and you do, so prettily, your eyes rolling back and your voice unrestrained. jeno’s fingers ride you through your orgasm, pumping deep and steady despite how slick you’ve gotten, your juices coating his hand and wrist. he watches the flush rise to your neck, stopping at your cheeks, watches the heaving of your chest, the shine of your skin from a thin sheen of sweat, and he doesn’t want to let you come down from this high, but his cock is aching — practically bursting from his jeans — and all he can do is make the silent vow that the next time you look like this, he’ll be balls deep in you. 

“that’s my girl,” he coos gently, watching the tension slip from your shoulders; his free hand is at the small of your back quickly, easing you down as your torso falls back, and you’re laying on the table. “pretty little thing, aren’t you? cumming so sweetly for me.” 

“jeno,” you groan out weakly, your tiny hand clasping around his wrist. “cock — i want your cock, please—” 

“can’t wait?” he’s indecent for sounding amused, but even that does nothing to stay his arousal; how eager you are simply makes him want you all the more. “okay, angel — since you asked so nicely.” 

a slight twinge of disappointment runs through him as he pulls his fingers out, but it’s quickly buried by the feeling he gets once he gives you a clear sweep of a once-over; how slutty you look, still half-dressed but already half-ruined, your thighs shaking in an effort to keep them open for him, the remnants of your last climax still leaking out of your hole. the sight of you has him so distracted that unbuttoning and unzipping his pants feels like a fever dream of an act; he barely notices what he’s doing until he’s already bare in front of you, and alertness has crawled halfway back into your consciousness as you push yourself up on your elbows to look at him.

“it’s so—” you have the decency to blush, though there’s a pleased look on your face that tells him you’re not really embarrassed. “i didn’t think you’d be this big.” 

“does that worry you?”

“i’ve never had anyone… this big.” pride blooms in his chest — good, he thinks, because if he can’t be as memorable as your first, then he’ll take being the most in something as a prize. “i don’t think — will it fit?”

“does it matter?” he chuckles, and your blush deepens. “no matter what — you’ll take all of me in, won’t you?”

you chew on your bottom lip, as if considering your options, but to jeno, there’s really only one choice — the correct one, and you make it when you nod your head. 

“it’ll feel good, though, you know,” he muses. his hand wrapped around his base, he lines himself up with you, the tip grazing against your folds. “even better than just now.”

with just a little more pressure, he has his shaft flush against you; his girth sits against your slit, the tip pressed against your clit, and he starts to rock his hips — into his fist, against your cunt. your hips quiver, and a shiver runs through you as your pleasure spikes again, but he can tell it isn’t enough. your bottom lip is back between your teeth, and your eyes are flitting between his face and his cock. jeno reaches out, eases your lip out from between your teeth, strokes it gently, almost tenderly. 

“say it,” he commands in a soft, silky voice. 

“fuck me, jeno,” you breathe out, barely missing a beat. “fuck me, fuck my pussy, please.”

and if you ask that desperately, he’ll waste no time; he draws his hips back, dragging his cock down until he’s aligned with your entrance. his eyes are trained on your face, even when he pushes in, so that he can take in your expression — the widening of your eyes as his tip breaches the first wave of resistance, the way your mouth falls agape as his fingers dig hard into your flesh. he’s never seen a prettier sight in his life.

“stretched you out already, but you’re still so fucking tight,” his voice is a soft, melodious croon, a stark contrast to the way he’s forcing past your tightness. “tight and wet, like a good girl.” 

“so big,” you whimper, your fingers stretched far enough to tickle the front of his shirt. “can’t — can’t take it.” 

“of course you can, angel.” jeno doesn’t give you the time to brace yourself fully before he’s rocking his hips in a little more sharply, his cock now halfway into you. your fingers curl into a little fist, immediately flying back to block the noise from your mouth. “ah ah. don’t get shy on me now; you’ve been so noisy for me all this time.”

but he doesn’t really mind the way you clap your palm over your mouth to muffle your high-pitched squeal as he thrusts in fully, the adjustment period after the last movement close to nothing; he’s too busy focusing on how good you feel around him, how warm and wet your insides are. this is heaven, easily, and jeno wants to stay here for as long as he can. 

“god, you’re fucking tight,” he repeats, an appreciatory gaze running over where you’re joined. his thumb stretches over your folds, rubbing them — something of an apology, perhaps, although all it does is stimulate you more, and you shiver at the extra contact. “how deep is it, baby?”

“can feel you here,” you mumble out, your small hand pressing just above your pelvis. he feels the tightness multiply as you place pressure, even just for a moment. “your cock’s so much deeper than anyone else.” 

your hand falls away, limp, as he draws his hips back; you inhale, long and deep, before letting it out as a broken moan when he pushes back in. it drives him crazy, to start off this slow, when all he wants is to find a pace that has you sobbing, but the resistance of your pussy against his length isn’t easy to ignore. jeno works you open, his jaw set and his grip tight against your frame, and it isn’t long before he’s picking up speed, the slap of his flesh against yours fueling him exponentially, mingling with your cries, steadily increasing in volume. 

“that’s it. let everyone hear you,” he eggs on, his thumb now circling tight around your clit; your legs are quivering, threatening to close, but he keeps you steady, one arm wrapped around your thigh. his thrusts grow rougher, more deliberate, and when he looks up from where you’re joined back to your face, he sees your expression as a mixture of incredulity and ecstasy. a thin line of drool hangs from the corner of your mouth, your pretty pink lip gloss smeared, and fuck if he doesn’t want to make sure you look like this every single time he comes over. “let them know who’s fucking you good, angel.”

“j— jeno!” your voice hitches, lilts up as he presses in at a different, deeper angle, and he almost cums right then and there from the way your walls pulse around him. “your cock feels so good, fucking me just right— more, god, more—” 

he complies without hesitation, gathering both your thighs and pushing them closer to your chest; you look even lewder like this, folded in half with your sopping cunt presented to him like it’s all his to take, and it is, isn’t it? there’s an increase in the intensity, the vigor in which he pumps his cock into you, and he knows he’s brushing repeatedly against your spot by the way you’re blubbering his name out in a way that suggests you sincerely think no one else in this building can hear you. 

“that’s my girl,” he hums approvingly, though there’s a thickness in his voice that has him sounding a little more strained. “such a good girl, with your cunt all nice and sloppy for me. do you like it when i go this deep? does it feel good when i fuck you where no one else can?” 

“yes!” you sob out, your hands crumpling the end of your skirt up into tight fists. “jeno, i— cum, i need to cum again, please—”

“i’ve got you, kitten,” his tone is reassuring, a stark contrast to the rigor of his hips. “don’t have to hang on for me, you know; always love seeing you fall apart.” 

“m’close, so close —” 

“let go, then,” he urges, his blunt nails digging into your flesh. “let me feel that sweet cunt cum on my cock.” 

you comply without hesitation, though if you’d done it willingly, he can’t really tell; he has to pin your hips down to stop you from bucking up and causing him to slip out, and you writhe against him as you sob in ecstasy, your walls fluttering before they clench. stray tears leak from your eyes, squeezed shut, and jeno wants nothing more than to eat you up like this — broken, fucked out. 

you’re not even fully down from your high when he feels it — that sudden wrenching in his gut that tells him he’s about to follow suit. with a low groan, he peels your thighs apart again, lets you watch him as he bullies straight into your leaking hole. your voice is a staccato, punctuating every deep, sharp thrust into you, and it’s exactly to that melody that he wants to get off. 

“tell me where you want it, angel.” he doesn’t trust his voice, sharp and short as it is now. “should i mark your pretty face? your stomach?”

“want it against my pussy,” you whisper out, and jeno almost loses his mind as he watches you spread your folds apart with your forefinger and middle finger, inviting him. “make a mess of it, sunbae.”

he’s barely able to pull out before he’s spilling against you; he ruts against your slit, coating your folds and the insides of your thighs in thick, creamy white. you hold your legs apart for as long as you can until they start to tremble, and he catches them and gently eases them down. 

when you sit up to kiss him, you’re still demanding; he feels your hips rock closer, your sticky cunt pressing against the underside of his cock.

“not enough,” you murmur against his lips, and jeno chuckles as you bind your hands around his neck. 

“don’t worry, kitten,” he hums back. “we’ve got all afternoon.”