#and if im wrong that makes me a fake
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imo everyone who insists that saikis life was perfect and he was a spoiled brat complaining about nothing are just purposefully ignoring and misinterpreting the whole manga simply because they like other characters better and want to make up scenarios to make their fav seem like a precious little victim in every situation
its hard to explain but i see it happen a lot with specifically people who have dedicated accounts for other characters and constantly misattribute every issue to "saikis such a baby, my character has it way worse!" "saiki hurt my babys feelings once so i hate him!" "saikis such a spoiled brat, my baby has a way shittier life and never complains about it!" "saiki hurt my poor precious fav once so hes an abusive monster!"
and said "shittier life" that they "never complain" about is either the persons headcanons (literally made up) or... the character DOES complain about it and the person takes those words at FACE VALUE but ignores everything else, including things that actually HAPPEN right in front of our eyes
#(this is just an opinion and anyone can do whatever they want)#people can feel however they want about saiki#but im just saying... purposely making everything into something it just isnt makes you look so... odd#like.. why?#why cant you just say you dont like him and move on?#instead of trying to make up a bunch of reasons why he sucks and his fans are weird#just chill#fandom doesnt need to be like that#sorry i feel like i start a new controversy every few days#dont offhandedly bully me for this guys just reply if you disagree#i like to think that my posts will reach nobody but like two moots and nothing matters and nobody cares#but i always get proved wrong#sho shad#anyway this is exactly what twitter users do with mafuyu and kanade which is so funny to me#they make kanade out to be an evil manipulator with a perfect life so that they can have their fake abuse scenarios and make mafuyu a victi#WHICH DOESNT MAKE SENSE CUZ MAFUYUS MOM IS RIGHT THERE? MAFUYU IS ALREADY AN ABUSE VICTIM#its crazy. fandoms are crazy.#hoping literally any of this is phrased correctly#my brain is jello i cant do this#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#meows post#meownalysis#<- not sure if this counts as that but im adding it because i want to come back to this
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utterly random late night panic thoughts but
if you read my zelda comic and like it i love and appreciate you but i really do need to be upfront about it being very much a self indulgent enemies to lovers story with a villain at the center that has done bad but isnt bad at his core and is struggeling to come to terms with the fact that he doesnt actually want to be the evil beast he and almost everyone else believes he should be
yes im one of those people ... fake villain fans or something ... i think .. i dont know the rules to that ... q-q
#ganondoodles talks#i thinks its in part the time thats making me suddendly panic about that#like i often see posts from people that are like fake villain enjoyers make the guy into a good guy#and real villain enjoyers are those that like him bc he kills people#or making fun of or generally seeming very agressive towards people that redeem villains#and i have no idea if id be counted among them bc im kinda doing it#yes he killed people but no he doesnt like it and doesnt want to#im one of those cringy softies that are like .. but what if villain ... good#of course im trying to make it make sense and with alot of extra written lore#like i made an entire world up just for demises backstory#but im undenialbly afraid that some people will tear my comic apart once they realize i made him not all that evil#again i have pretty much read no fanfiction and am unfamiliar with alot of common fanfic tropes and stuff so#i got no idea what is commonly understood as the wrong kind of villain fan or soemthing#I DONT KNOW THE CRINGE RULES I JUST HAVE LOTS OF BLORBO THOUGHTS#i need to go to bed
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i'm a cis woman, but in the past few years i've developed a habit of headcanoning any male character i relate to as a trans women, beginning a fic trying to explore that, and then miserably falling short as i can never figure out how to end the story. i've recently joined a new fandom and started my most recent attempt at writing this ever-elusive character interpretation i've been trying to explain for years. and it occurs to me that maybe the reason i keep trying to interpret these characters i relate to as women and failing to, is because i'm trying to project the wrong experience. because i think that conclusion i can never fully bring myself to write isn't one about coming to terms with womanhood and embracing that identity, but about coming to terms with being a man.
so tldr im a trans man and this is a coming out post.
#shaking a little bit writing this but like. i dont know.#ive felt. alone a lot and ive been very scared of actually doing anything to make myself happy for a lot of my life#and ive felt a lot of shame about particularly. i dont know.#i feel a lot of shame in general#but about my gender. about feeling like i cant transition because i dont want to do it the way you see in media#and that its cool for other people to be gnc and trans and present however they want but#that itd be wrong for me. that id be faking#and i dont know i think im tired of running from it#im acting like this is some terrible truth. like this is an unspeakable evil i would inflict on the world by doing something that could mak#me happy. make me feel comfortable#i dont want that shame anymore#i never deserved it#anyways. i like the name angus. please call me angus from now on although autumn is actually still fine i do fw that name. always have#but i need to say this and put it out into the world and not take it back#this is my experience. this is my starting point. and fanfic and writing have been a big part of that#anyways. shoutout to#james wilson#most recent blorbo ive tried to trans the gender of. i think ill be able to finish this fic though lol.#trans#coming out#fandom#fanfic#personal#queer#lgbtqia
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man the thing about beauty standards and being ugly and being pretty and being insecure is that ultimately you do just kinda have to Decide that youre pretty. like ultimately thats how you become pretty, or hot, or sexy. you have to just Decide that you Are. you have to recognize that its made up, its arbitrary, its subjective, and that people might disagree with you about it, and as much as you are able, you need to completely and utterly disregard their opinions on your appearance, and decide that youre pretty now. and THEN.
you need to find beauty in "ugly". you need to recognize that ugly is made up, that its arbitrary, that its subjective, and you need to be able to find the beauty in it all. and this means you cant bodyshame people. you cant body shame shitty celebs or politicians. you need to base your criticisms on the substance of their character and misdeeds and unhinged horrific opinions and not give a shit about what they look like. you cant go calling people ugly for being shitty. you cant go calling people ugly for looking A Way You Dont Like.
and then if you wanna really galaxy brain this shit you start using ugly as endearment. OBVIOUSLY do not fucking call other human beings ugly. that shit is far too loaded, its just Rude. Dont call specific features of people or even characters ugly cos thats also too loaded. as a term it has baggage. but you can see the ugly in tacky, loud, garish clothing, and it can be Good. you can see the ugly in a distinctive, horrible tiny car from the 90s, and it can be good. you can see the ugly in animals that have evolved to look the way they do, without a single thought of what humans find appealing. you can see the beauty and the freedom in "Ugliness". you can break out of this shit altogether and feel nothing but disdain for anyone who stoops to insulting your appearance if they disagree with you about shit. you can get completely out of the cave of these beauty standards. you can find it so freeing to revel.in letting yourself be ugly. in recognizing that the way you look and exist might be ugly to some people, and youre out of the cave enough to simply recognize. thats just your opinion and it doesnt matter. didnt ask.
you can look at ppl arguing about the correct amount of skincare products to use daily, the Correct Amount of makeup, and whether or not its radical to conform to beauty standards or defy them and argue about is it really conforming if visible makeup pisses men off, and you can say, well I dont care about any of that, I recognize the societal pressures of flawless skin and all that but you see,
I just want to look like a silly little clown :o3
#toy txt post#i wasnt gonna end this on that silly note. but then i had to#ugly#pretty#beauty standards#not saying its easy. not saying you have to do this#but like if youre tired of feeling insecure about your face your fashion. you gotta just figure out what you like and lean in#and you gotra recognize this shit is made up and subjective and arbitrary and you shouldnt be doing it for anyone else ever#i used to be insecure about a few features of mine that i feared made me Ugly. and then i Decided to try to find it pretty.#it sounds so stupid and made up but like literally i just. Decided. im pretty now. this is pretty. this shit is made up. why am i listening#to you. you dont know shit. im pretty now. AND THEN i decided. actually. im ugly on purpose now but not in a way that has much to do with#my actual appearance so much as my complete disregard for your opinion on my appearance. you gotta do it for you. you gotta dress for#yourself#ANYWAY#before anyone comes in with how beauty standards are often externally enforced via peer and social pressure:#yea bud im a human being on planet earth. im aware. thats why i said: as much as you are able. i recognize i have a number of privileges in#this regard that not everyone does. the way im given more space and freedom to dress like a little freak as a thin white person etc#but like i still had and have societal pressure to shave my legs and underarms to conform. theres societal and peer pressure to wear makeup#and i just. dont. the legs thing is less noticeable tho ill admit cos i also Hate Shorts but thats a whole complicated can of worms#which also involves i am not exposing myself to ticks like that are u insane#anyway. yea. the other magical thing about this philosophy of mine is that you also just dont have to. like you can just Ignore Me.#you can keep doing what youre doing and thats fine too#but genuinely if you struggle with insecurity about appearance you gotta just. this is the fake it til u make it shit#i decided im pretty now and it got easier to take selfies bc i was pretty then#doing art and exploring different faces for ocs and making them look different from the conventional beauty standards. also helped#and like dont get me wrong theres still shit im vain about appearance wise that doesnt matter. i still like to style my hair before i leave#the house etc. im still looking in the cave sometimes#but perhaps one day i will be as blissfully uncaring about ppls perception of me as a fuckin goby#anyway. anyway anyway anyway#if you do this things get so much easier. but you dont have to. i have no power over you
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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please dont let me fall into the kaptein sabeltann rabbit hole pleeeasseee please save me before i start drawing the silly pirates
#tiktoks making me question why i never truly cared for the franchise as a kid#i feel like im super late to the party 😭😭#im sorry im a fake kaptein sabeltann fan😔😔😔😔#except im not a fan haha because yall are gonna save me right right r#(there is nothing wrong with liking the franchise IM JUST FULL OF GUILT RAAHHH)
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y'know, i keep making a habit of swinging my bat at hornets nests, but i have to say i'm getting so, so tired of people complaining about shows not making perfect sense when they aren't even close to done. we're four episodes into this season of doctor who. we're four episodes into this season of bridgerton. and yet in both fandoms i keep seeing people whine that such and such didn't make sense or it wasn't explained all the way and by god you guys i think maybe explanations might come later in the season. this is something most viewers will recognize as being called a 'plot.'
#like maybe a tiny bit of media literacy... might save you#and if you think i'm being mean like. its okay if you don't get it at first. it's okay if you don't understand the themes. but maybe#instead of stamping your feet and saying this makes no sense and i hate what they're doing and and and#maybe you could try listening to other people's interpretations of things and you'll find that what the show is trying to tell you becomes#more clear! would you look at that. wild how that happens#like im sorry you're entitled to your opinions but calling things bad writing just because you don't quite get it or it doesn't resonate#with you personally... i don't think you should just say this was shitty and worthless#the examples im using are because both resonate with me btw. 73 yards was existential horror it was hill house and bly manor#(im going to write about this in another post btw bc it compels me so)#it was about the way fear of abandonment can haunt you how mental illness can haunt you how you feel like you can drive people away#just by being yourself (the Woman was Herself what caused ruby to be abandoned was Her it's about her feeling as though she was the cause#of everyone who left her even as a baby even the people who loved her most could decide to not love her at the drop of a hat)#colin bridgerton is masking and faking a personality because it has been proven that time and time again#being Himself is Wrong that he annoys people he makes himself into what people expect of him because he's tired of being abandoned too#his family ignores and does not reply to his letters this season PEN stopped replying to his letters#his brother was cruel to him for being a romantic his friends LAUGHED AT HIM for saying sex is meaningful to him and don't they feel lonely#his Fake Rake persona makes viewers cringe because! its!! fake!!! he's faking it! HE GETS CALLED OUT ON IT TWICE IN EP ONE#if you don't understand he's faking it then that's on you at that point! i don't know! maybe take a minute to sit in the discomfort and ask#why did this show make me react this way and do you think maybe it was on purpose#''73 yards was confusing'' do you think confusion may be one of the ways ruby feels about her abandonment?#there is a theme in all of her episodes so far is it ''badly written'' unclear to you or do you just refuse to think critically about it#txtly#and im sorry for tagging this its just for my blog i kinda wish they still didnt show up in tags if i tag them all the way at the bottom#[old lady ruby voice] ''i used to be able to tag things just for myself once upon a time''#bridgerton#bridgerton spoilers#doctor who#doctor who spoilers
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at the end of the day waking up to little waves from you is the best thing ever + most of my ftiends are graduating very soon and i'll miss this all so much
#i could be anywhere rn i could be in another country i could pack my bags tomorrow and go back or go forward but rn i just#have been so happy here w you !!!!!#yesterday i could have spent a hundred and seen the girl i used to love but our friend was sick anyway and i told her i hope you feel bette#but im glad we cant make it. in the past month i think i may have developed severe back pain but ive filled my heart so glutenously it feel#almost wrong. break my mug again! eat my leftovers !! lets sit together ! hide me from your landlord again show me photos of flowers again#show me your type we'll shout at you to ask her out scared we love you very much. she finally jokes around with me. i see where the#fake punches come from. something flashes in the periphery. wake me up with laughter again! no sleep on your voice again !!!#wave at me through the glass hold my hand again ! let me make you tea again !! we might never be in the same room ever again !!
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THE FAKE DATING WIP LIVES AGAIN. also I can’t with these two. screaming. these btches r so funny. I love their dynamic so fcking much. I love writing them so much. I loveeee writing them so much I LOVE WRITING THEM SO MUCH also han sooyoung!!!!! I love u so fcking muchhhh SHES SO <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 TO ME
“Stop laughing,” He says, irritably, holding the ice to his bump.
“No,” Han Sooyoung says as she continues to laugh and makes a sandwich with his bread, using his butter knife and his groceries that he brought. He has never known another ungrateful person. No, that’s wrong. He knows Yoo Joonghyuk.
He has never known another pair of ungrateful people, Kim Dokja rephrases.
At least, she makes a sandwich for him too. Though she stuffs it in his mouth instead of giving it to him like a normal person.
“So what’s the plan?” Kim Dokja asks as he eats it. It’s mediocre.
“We date.” Han Sooyoung says.
“Yeah I got that but what’s the plan.”
She looks at him. “Have you not dated before — sorry wrong question — do not know what dating is — sorry wrong —”
“I know what dating is,” He interrupts.
#orv#hankim#han sooyoung#kim dokja#wip: fake dating // yhk#SORRY WRONG QUESTION — DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT DATING IS — SORRY WRONG QUESTION#she’s so insufferable. she’s everything. Im so in love with her. kissing u rn Han Sooyoung#THE WOMEN U ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#also kdj pls ur so funny. HIS bread HIS butter knife HIS groceries that HE brought as if he even cares. as if he barely uses it. as if yjh#hasn’t banned you from ur own kitchen because ur an atrociousity in the kitchen#(no he isn’t really. yjh just isn’t normal)#NO THATS WRONG. HE KNOWS YOO JOONGHYUK#—> im so in love with this line#he has never known another pair of ungrateful people kdj REPHRASES#kdj ur so fcking funny. sometimes i realise i really fcking love u#AT LEAST SHE MAKES HIM A SANDWHICH TOO. KDJJJJ I CANT WUTH U OH MY GIF#“instead of giving it to him like a normal person” —> this line Explains everything that hsy is. INSTEAD OF GIVING IT TO HIM LIKE A NORMAL#LIKE A NORMAL PERSON !!!!!!!!#hsy the person u are <3 <3 <3#as he eats it. ITS MEDIOCRE -> he drives me mad. im sooooo normal about them (not)#ITS MEDIOCRE what if i ate this n chewed it and ate it what if i exploded#so what’s the plan. we date. yeah I got that but what’s the /plan./#I love kdj thinking as if hsy ever thought out a plan in her life (a lie) (she has this planned) THEY DATE TAHTS THE PLAN KDJ !!!!#it’s frankly ur problem if u don’t get it#she looks at him. HAVE YOU NOT DATED BEFORE — SORRY WRONG QUESTION— DO YOU KNKW WHAT DATING IS — SORRY WRONG QUESTION#I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS !!!!!!!’n HSY I FCKING LOVE U SO MUCH#SORRY WRONG QUESTION — DO NOT KNOW WHAT DATING IS — SORRY WRONG QUESTION#she’s SO insufferable im kissing her rn#and kdjs. I /know/ what dating is he interrupts IM SOOOOO#I LOVE THEM SO FCKJING MCH HHHHH KDJ N HSYYYY PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!!
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They are long-lost siblings TO ME!
#ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG#literally no Cal Kenobi fics include Korkie and its killing me#eating me alive#WE DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO KORKIE#HE COULD BE OUT THERE#I have been thinking about this for years#and waiting#I need a fic where Cal or Korkie find the other#post purge#I crave it#Korkie finding Cal on Bracca T0T#AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH#I would never stop talking about my headcanons if I trusted myself to make a coherent post#anyway#im leaving my brain worms here as well as my plot bunnies#I headcanon that korkie is force-sensitive#but satine was able to hide it#but she couldn't do the same for cal cause of the echoes#So she had to send him to the temple with someone she trusted and a fake last name#Cal doesn't really remember much but korkie probably not his name or much else but that he did have an older brother#korkie being so scared and sad when he learns they're sending padawans to fight in the clone wars#🥺#him never giving up on finding cal even after the purge#🥺🥺🥺#korkie kryze#korkie kenobi#cal kestis#cal kenobi#cal kryze#I now have so many pictures of Cal in my phone because of this post
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ok hi haha lol I dont rly feel like going in circles in my head forever trying to figure out whether, among other "smaller" things, being left alone in a room w only media as a child and not feeling like I had even a semblance of a personality for most of my life counts as "trauma"
a lot of these parts of me are new, I'm just recently putting names to them and it feels as though I'm developing facets of personalities in my mid 20s after a lifetime of either feeling like I'm basically just ADHD in a person, an amalgamation of kins shoved into a body, or something made of guilt Also shoved into a body.
I don't like, claim to know what this means. but I don't think a lot of my current mutuals would feel comfortable interacting w me bc I don't necessarily believe in the black and white of what plurality is. I'm not able or planning on getting any formal diagnosis and while I'm discussing this w my therapist they're very much not one to pathologize
I definitely don't feel like one person but I dont think id count for most of you as a "system" as the different parts of me feel as though theyre still developing. take all of this as you will, I'm not going to stress my body out more by trying to figure out "what" I am as I've been doing that my whole life and I'm kinda tired of it.
I know that I'm not entirely one thing and feel Enough like multiple things for myself, but blurred in a lot of ways. like some sort of gem with many different facets.
not sure where to go w this tbh take this how you will. im not comfortable saying I'm leaning one way or the other regarding system discourse, (<- not a phrase i want to use but the best shorthand i have) as I genuinely don't believe the human brain is nearly that black and white.
I'm both "me" and very much not "me" at times. idk what this means but ik I'm not comfortable saying im just pandora and im not sure im "allowed" to say im a system and im not sure if it matters, or should matter, regarding friends. im going to be like this regardless, id unfollow me if this grey area im likely to stay in bothers you
if you don't want me refollowing I'd probably block, too, as my memory is bad
#puts this in my drafts to publish at atime to cause maximum damage to my#social circle and mental health bc i LOVE conflict and pain#< A JOKE lmao this has been causing me severe distress for ages so whatever unfollow me idc#outgoing transmission#idk when im gonna publish this ive been going back n forth w my therapist a lot#rhis maybbe repetitive im just uhh tired and have been legitimately driving myself crazy overthis for ages#bc honestly like i didnt exist as a person until age 14 at least and that person#wasnt... me. isn't me they dont exist to me anymore and im not sure#the one before 19 existed either its all fractured#is that trauma?? or is it something else. does that make me endogenic to you?? i really dont know or understand#you can decide for yourself. but im not comfortable saying either way.#i barely feel comfortable existing. i dont exist? as i type this 'i' is wrong but nothing else fits so far#we could go for we and we have befkre bht so far its so nonexistent whats the opposite of i#nothing...? [ ]#some blank. the dilemma is that nothing is real.#these tags are not. genuinly i am fake.#this will get published sometime in a haze and this body will wake up to a disaster.#not enough bridges burned i guess. sure.#back 2 sleep dont send me asks abt this jst block if ur gonna block
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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god I know this is like The Wrong Stance on AI. I know its not about whether the art is Real and Human or If It Has A Soul and how a lot of the arguments against it are the same bullshit arguments people made against digital art like I Know. I Knowwww. but god, I'm really sorry, not to post like one of those annoying poetry bloggers I cant stand (yall are valid, live your truth, theres nothing wrong with what you post I'm just a petty bitch who hates poetry. unless I dont hate it.)
But theres just something about the way AI art will almost certainly never be able to mimic the exact way my pencil leaves an indentation in the paper, the way some of the lines I can never fully erase cause I pressed too hard, theyll have to at least train them to draw with a physical pencil first, and sure, they could train it to draw with a pencil and even erase the exact same piece I drew, line for line, on a piece of paper with a robot arm powered by AI, but they can't replicate. idk. the lineage of lefty bitches in my family, and the way I grew up going through school with my entire left arm silver with graphite, from doodling on my schoolwork. not yet anyway. but I guess I do live for the day we make the ai sentient enough that we can traumatize it by giving it homework after kneecapping its executive functions so it copes by drawing a big tiddy lobster monster. sure
#toy txt post#reblogs OFF i dont trust yall to be normal with this one i do NOT want it getting notes#i posted part of this before in a chat to a friend but im feeling it again. so#i havent drawn my big tiddy lobster bitch in awhile i should draw her again#also yea SORRY im sure this is The Wrong Feeling To Have About AI but also sometimes im a little grateful that i dont think my style is#smth a lot of the ppl coding ai to make art find to be worth trying to replicate except maybe as like a fake progress shot on a piece#which is smth i used to be really insecure about. how unfinished all my art looks bc it isnt to the point i cant fucking watch#like speedpaints and shit bc i just start feeling stupidly insecure about all the points in the video where I Would Have Stopped and been#like. im not touching it anymore i dont want to ruin it#and ive been insecure about my inability to really do digital art with like a stylus and shit like the way i do it with a pencil#and i know that is just me needing to Practice it but being too frustrated by it#anyway i know its just a Tool and its Fine and the problem is the art theft and the labor problems of it but liiiiiiike#i just.#im sure there will be unique things and usages of ai as a tool and i genuinely hope that ppl can figure out a way to make one that isnr#isnt* just full of stolen content bc theres unique fuckin shit about like digital art programs u can write stupid poetry that you hate#about it. or stupid poetry that i hate. cos im the poetry hater. listen. i cant stress this enough: its fine. youre fine. keep posting your#poetry and reblogging shit that speaks to you. im just a Bitch okay Ignore Me#i should go draw bokrae like. eating a computer about this#the real reason for that graphics card shortage was bokrae ate them all when she was in the mood for a crunchy snack
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honestly as someone who never really got into lotr but independently also came up with the idea that the most sensible way to handwave everyone in a fictional setting speaking english & using terms that would have no reason to have originated in that setting is to just pretend its all a translation/localization of whatever language theyre actually speaking, it was such a relief to learn that tolkien also did that. like oh ok so im not crazy for wanting to do it that way. or like, maybe i am, but at least in the same way that a wildly successful fantasy author was, so i think im good
#like it just makes sense!! yeah you COULD go through & nitpick english so you take out all the loanwords & words with religious origin etc#anything that wouldnt make sense in the setting youre writing for. words relating to places that dont exist there. you COULD do that#(& iirc there are some authors that HAVE done things like that which is incredible i love that)#but its so much easier to just be like. well these are not the actual exact words they were saying. they were not speaking english#bc why would they be?? why would this fantasy world have english At All. even if u call it by a different name. u know??#why would they come up with the same sounds and the same alphabet and the same grammar and everything#it just makes more sense for it to not actually BE english to begin with!!!#i would love to eventually make up all the conlangs in my various settings but unfortunately i do not have the time & energy for that rn#so im just using real languages as stand-ins. which does mean i will either need to learn them or get someone to translate for me lmAO#but im fine with that. also learning more languages would make it easier to make a conlang anyway bc u have more knowledge of#language structures besides english & u can use that to add more variety..... maybe someday ill get to the point where i can do that#its always been something that interested me tbh i used to make up fake alphabets all the time but never really got much farther#they werent all exact 1:1 w a-z either like some combinations would have their own character or id omit some#god okay anyway i gotta go to work#oopsie i made the wrong word italic. i fixed it tho
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sometimes the thought of sex and lust disgusts me and makes my skin crawl so bad because i want to be loved so insanely bad it is all i have ever wanted in my entire life i want to be wanted and adored and thought of and cared about and cared for and loved and loved and fucking loved every passing day it becomes increasingly more clear ill never have that and im not someone who gets something like that and im always going to be seen at most as some sexual objective and it will legitimately make me feel suicidal some nights because i dont know what to do except know there is nothing i can do and it just makes me not want to live i know the mentally healthy thing isnt depending on others opinions or whatever but its more painful than anything and theres not a thing i can do about it and dont worry about me doing stupid shit im just going to be depressed forever about it like i have been since i think the day i was born genuinely but. jesus fucking christ man sometimes im just so tired and aching and cold and its something else. i wish i was someone else. something else.
#emergency broadcast system#its 3 am so i know in the morning ill be laughing at myself for spiraling randomly like this like i do because i have some disorder probably#because theres things wrong with me that cant be undone or changed or bettered no matter how hard i try#and the thing is i know even NOW that when i laugh about this it wont even be fake. ill genuinely feel like this was silly#and ill feel it even sillier that i posted about it#but it makes me feel so Wrong and Unreal knowing that my emotions will do violently change outside of my volition and they will be genuine#anyway. this is me also saying dont worry because just because im crying now doesnt mean shit. i dont even know how to feel.#i know its like a common sensation but i feel broken. i feel like a regulator within me is broken. except not even that it isnt fixable.#and was never unbroken#whatever i know this is fucking stupid i just wish i didnt feel this. i sound like an emo middle schooler
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i obsess and love fictional men more than my own partners.
wtf.
#im a shitty person#?#yes#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd#something's wrong with me. i already know.#i hate long distances. it makes relationships feel so fake.
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