#god okay anyway i gotta go to work
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honestly as someone who never really got into lotr but independently also came up with the idea that the most sensible way to handwave everyone in a fictional setting speaking english & using terms that would have no reason to have originated in that setting is to just pretend its all a translation/localization of whatever language theyre actually speaking, it was such a relief to learn that tolkien also did that. like oh ok so im not crazy for wanting to do it that way. or like, maybe i am, but at least in the same way that a wildly successful fantasy author was, so i think im good
#like it just makes sense!! yeah you COULD go through & nitpick english so you take out all the loanwords & words with religious origin etc#anything that wouldnt make sense in the setting youre writing for. words relating to places that dont exist there. you COULD do that#(& iirc there are some authors that HAVE done things like that which is incredible i love that)#but its so much easier to just be like. well these are not the actual exact words they were saying. they were not speaking english#bc why would they be?? why would this fantasy world have english At All. even if u call it by a different name. u know??#why would they come up with the same sounds and the same alphabet and the same grammar and everything#it just makes more sense for it to not actually BE english to begin with!!!#i would love to eventually make up all the conlangs in my various settings but unfortunately i do not have the time & energy for that rn#so im just using real languages as stand-ins. which does mean i will either need to learn them or get someone to translate for me lmAO#but im fine with that. also learning more languages would make it easier to make a conlang anyway bc u have more knowledge of#language structures besides english & u can use that to add more variety..... maybe someday ill get to the point where i can do that#its always been something that interested me tbh i used to make up fake alphabets all the time but never really got much farther#they werent all exact 1:1 w a-z either like some combinations would have their own character or id omit some#god okay anyway i gotta go to work#oopsie i made the wrong word italic. i fixed it tho
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some "new" designs for different crassus and pompey, specifically for a side project I've been playing with that's so removed from anything relevant (action/adventure/horror standalone story lmao) that they kind of needed their own thing. this story's pompey has a neck scar from an Incidentā¢, crassus has shorter hair and wears (checks notes) jewelry sometimes.
#graves grime and gore tag#the default designs are still the ''''trikaranos''''' ones because it's nebulously like. eh. grounded enough in rome#this is the dmbj au but it's less dmbj and more like i put on every tomb robber movie on youku and went 'yeah okay'#while i was working. anyway. when i post from that story. i will make it clear that it is a separate contained story doing it's own thing#this version of crassus also more or less has black hair while my main crassus has brown hair#pompey is bottle blond no matter what universe he's in#god what else what else. it's set during their first joint consulship. crassus is more of an outright dick but it's because he's annoyed#that pompey is not getting with the program (you cannot become sulla during peace time!)#and this version of pompey is like a specific imposter syndrome anxiety has been cranked up to eleven and it's made him#overly competitive in stupid ways like the thing you think crassus is doing does not matter to him in the slightest#we gotta establish characterizations right off the bat and we're swinging big because i am NOT setting up anything prior to Events#like (snaps fingers) go explore the ruins consuls! get in the TOMB FELLAS. KEEP GOING GUYS
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Jayce and Viktor, Hidden within the Patternā
Essays from Las siete cabritas by E. Poniatowska. (2000). (E. Coonrod Martinez, Trans.).
#elena poniatowska u were insane for this#iāll probably make a version w the original spanish later but someone remind me#placeholder as i pace my cage (do work) instead of being able to Write like i Need To#not even about them lmao but they will tide me over. For Now.#also if anyone is weird abt this i will kill us both so help me god#ANYWAY#jayvik#jayce talis#arcane jayce#viktor arcane#arcane spoilers#he really did look like jesus for a while there itās not my fault#okay gotta go gotta go no one look at me i have so many things i should be doing!!!!!!!!#ambivalentmarvel#arcane#web weaving
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Okay I did get distracted by a grade being posted and I am about to be both a nerd and a millennial but god ngl I do hate classes where you get full points on all your assignments but don't actually get any actual feedback on them. What is the point. If it's a class where everyone gets passing grades for making the effort but you get actual feedback and comments, that's great! But I would genuinely rather get points docked and get extensive comments on what I did well and what needed improvement and why than this.
#what is the POINT#like at that point it feels like busy work frankly! it doesn't feel like anyone's worrying about whether or not I learned something!#and like I can self reflect on my own learning. I'm good at that. that's fine. but a) not everyone can#and b) it REALLY does not help the perception that a degree is something you pay for but don't actually need to learn anything to get#which is a MASSIVE problem rn. there's no actual value placed on LEARNING THINGS.#like I know for a FACT that I have turned in B+ average assignments at best in this class.#just cuz I only have finite time and I gotta stay sane and it's not an area I'm going to go any further than surface level in.#the overview is good and important! but the work I'm doing is reflective of my investment and frankly it should've earned a B+ at most.#like at least if you're docking a point and telling me what for I know you READ the damn thing. christ alive.#you may ask yourself 'oh my god why are you like this' and the answer is. have you looked at my blog.#anyway. okay nOW I'm going to bed.
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@ mazzy hewwo good morning thank you for showing us dragons!! :3 <33 <22 we enjoy seeing your fIight escapades :3!!
however we also got four other asks last night apparently and we don't know how to answer one of them and the other is an anon's music recs so w. [pauses quietly. clasps hands together.] we're gonna have to take a quick rain check on this one chief!!
#we never know if y'all would like updates hjglkj we never want y'all to think we're ignoring y'all or something? we lov y'all hjglkj#--------------------------------------------#(okay y'all don't have to read the rest of this if y'all don't want to it's just us chattering like usual. do NOT feel obliged hjlkjg)#stares at one of the asks. okay 1) i don't think we're qualified to answer this?? we can certainly try but we do not have those things :']#i feel like answering this is swinging a bat at a wasp nest hgkjf 2) /how do we answer this without letting people know we're plural/ hgjlk#also people really love giving us music recs its wild truly hjglkj but we're grateful!! we always are <33#other two are just sweet messages <33 people are so kind to us i'll cry about it hgkj :'> <33#drafts are at 1818 my god we're trying our best. i mean we still want to reblog everyones skiIItobers thats how late we are raughhh hjglkj#our gamer friends are going to be tiering for about a week so we gotta help them when we can#and we gotta DRAW THINGS!!! our to-do list extends past the stars. and we are still tired.. maestro will probably make a to-do list later..#lovessss being pedantic. guy whose idea of fun is organizing a spreadsheet. my god dude hgkj#we want to doodle things for the other two asks we always like doing that :] maybe emmy and... i think reactspeed could be fun?#we could make it work hjglkj#Make sure we eat.#ohhh right we have a body that needs food. jesus hkjg anyway here are tasks!! lets go do them!!
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Can my jaw stop clenching
#headaches ans toothaches because i keep gritting my teeth#ive been doing this for the past few days and im doing it unconsiously so wuh oh#like okay. i gotta do my classes tomorrow or thrus (wed is free bc limb#maybe.#but its stressing me out. like i looked at my hw (due sunday and tuesday) and it didnt look stressful but god#maybe because im stressing abt something else way ahead of time but. better to be safe than sorry#anyways if you read these tags do i take my meds and go to sleep (unsuccessfully) or do i take meds and eat a little#to wait for them to work
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oh also headsup to everyone that i will be TRYING to see if i canāt catch the new bravern ep earlier than i usually do tomorrow so yāknow. beware the Posts
#like i wont be able to focus on anything once it drops anyways so like. MIGHT AS WELL#i could barely focus on anything today tbh. LMAO#i donāt even know why iām so anxious like i fully trust that it will be good and satisfying and i have zero expectations plotwise#i just want isami to be happy i think š he and lulu#either way tho itās been such a fun time keeping up w this show :]#like iām rly glad to watch it while it was airing and see all the fanarts and talk abt silly theories w my friends and make Posts#and i still do think ep9 in particular maybe even elevates this to like. fav stories ever been told type of deal#like recency bias ofc but also. bravern himself is SO š#anyways. LMAO#t.txt#what a special show :]#OH MY GOD WAIT I DO WANNA SAY#WHOEVER GOT THAT GIF OF MINE TO BE LIKE ONE OF THE FIRST BRAVERN GIFS IN TWITTER SEARCH#THANK YOU BUT WHY IS IT ONLY SEVEN PIXELS š EVERY TIME I SEE IT I CRINGE#wait also again i lied earlier on. rip. i actually DO expect smith/bv to come back in some fashion#like iād bet money on that. but like. i do also trust the show to make it work if he Doesnāt ykwim?#its just one of those scenarios where itāll be like. happy ending: will make me very happy#bittersweet ending: will stay with me forever and ever and ever and ever and ever an#okay sorry for editing this post four millioj times i gotta go do chores
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need to be exploding something but i Can't for some reason. just Can Not. my ability to do is just. Nay
#just me hi#GOUHHH#okay so I can't go back to bed rn cuz I was So tired earlier I went to bed at 7#Bad move !! But I also didn't have anything to do so kind of the only one lmao#So I slept for 4 hours and here I am now. At 2 am. Vibing [<- this is untrue]#I have Energy that I Need to dedicate to SOMETHING but I can't figure out what so I'm just vibrating really aggressively and pacing kfvshf#I could funkin writeeeee but I don't know what and i don't think I'll be able to focus so lmaoo š„#// š„š¶NONSTOP AUTOMATIC LIVIN IN DELUSIONš¶š„#anywho loll--#//i could draw but that's Slow and Caramalizing work. Like when I want to evenly toast my thoughts you know what I'm saying kfshf#Or when I'm just trying to be Thourough. Or just rotating shiz so fast I gotta slow down lol#And then if I draw what should it be? The things in my brain ??? God forbid#What I'm just sposed to pick between the 3+ projects I have blasting at full volume in my head rn ?? That's crazy talk man#//mnm i want. a Snack#Snack tiymeeee#If only we had those kfshvfh#Ik where to get marshmallows (thought they could hide them from me. Impossible) but that's not a good choice for the hour or the craving lo#//what's the point !!! What's the pooooint !!! š¶#i love you music hfvsh#/speaking of i took my mp3 player w/ me to skate w/ and played oldies and you know that was pretty good man I gotta do that again#Meant to do it last time but I didn't charge her :( and I don't want to stress her battery by killing her so </3#//oh also we went to the movies today !! Part of the reason I'm tired lmao#I always forget to bring smth to plug my ears (it's so funkin loudddd man oTL) but you know what I Didn't forget? Mp3 player w/ the noise#Canceling earbuds. Which worked insanely well I had Zero discomfort :D#Usually the theater experience starts to suck hard at abt the 2/3rds point cuz everything gets loud ;w;#but i forgot abt the sound thing w/ my buds in so :D yay yippee !!#We watched gladiator 2 :) watched the first one the night before so full context let's go š„#It was good! I think anyway! I'm not sure i was completely clocked in kfshfh#//ooou I'm running out of tag space..#I'll say ciao right here loll :> toodles !!
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save me.
#ok wait real quick. im really too tired. the first thing i typed was '2b' which. is not what i want to talk about. im out of everythingg#ok so i got back at. 1.40 am last night. sure.#but. ive got my shift today starting at 12.30pm. aka i gotta be ready at 12.#which means i shouldve started lunch at 11.30. but since i got back so late this is also when i just finished my breakfast.#aka my tummy full i cant eat lunch.#erm.#so im hoping that this wont cause problems =w=bb#sillyposting#anyway thats not my main trouble today.#ive got. almost 5 hours of kids waiting for me.#theres a saint nik performance today. twice.#ohohoooo.....#at least the woman im working with is nicey =w=b plus she also worked last nights shift so were in the same boatt. erm.#anyway even THAT. would be fine.#except.#my old boss invited me to a going-away party. and i dont fucking want to go.#itll be god knows how long masking. itll be holding back tears bc i am bad with separations. just. everything im imagining it will be is ba#oh.#yk this is the exact same thing i had when i had a bbq with them. imagining itll all be bad and it being. actually okay.#TBF. that was because gay things were happening.#fuck i still cant believe i fumbled that chance noo.......#its fine.#but yeagh. not looking forward to today.#its not like im already stressed about everything school or summ :)#how do people LIVE. i fucking cant.
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re last answer: please don't stop, being very unhinged about these two pretty white boys is helping distract me from the sharks losing streak rn so bring it on
https://www.tumblr.com/bondedpairs/764566430180147200?source=share
(sideblog woes but there's the link for you) anyway in the vid they talk about going over to each other's houses to have dinner and things and while that is a delicious example of their codependence i love it bc through an rpf lens there is definitely some old man ******* going on. they can have the dilfs and each other.
(someone else mentioned kept boys which i could write an essay on but i fear being Perceivedā¢ļø)
anyway if you have anything to add to this please do, if not ignore me and i will hide under a rock until the stress-related insanity has worn off and i am a functioning member of society once more š
- @bondedpairs
ty for the video!!! and please, WRITE THE KEPT BOYS ESSAYYYY i promise i will read it with my hands over my eyes if you donāt want to be perceived. do it scared!! do it anyway!! weāll all love you for it!!!
#like. i donāt know how to explain how narratively aware will smith is to me. he knows heās being put into the codependent rookies arc.#heās aware that zeev buium transforms into a dog. he knows that he and mack arenāt getting together because mackās gotta work it out first.#& in a less unhinged way i simply mean that will smith has an air of both self-conscious thought & projection i think is maybe fascinating.#but not in a way in which i actually know this or think that he thinks about himself and how he comes across. he just Is Something ????#the best way i can explain is one of my alltime favorite fics i use it like a shorthand citation bc i love it so much but catchascatchcanās#many worlds universe but specifically the second tk/pat story second person you the ouroboros spits out its tale nolan walks off screen.#like that is the kind of narrative awareness i am trying to explain that no matter where i put him will smith knows heās inside a story but#not in a way where heās trying to do anything to it. heās just present there. this makes no sense to me either please understand#liv in the replies#bondedpairs#happy to have brought you something in your times of woe!!! āalso hope things get a little less stressful for you!! <3#weāre 2gether p much 24/7ā no go on i say in my nature documentary voice. watching them like bugs under a rock rn observing from a distance#this DID get me to actually watch the video. agreed with puckpocketed saying rich text and ur tags like. YES the daddy issues popped out.#just wants to make sure heās having fun!! checking up!! mack the prime irritance in willās life!! foisted off on one another w/ no choice#itās like when your parents are friends so then you have to be friends with their kids in a way and then also like. youāre the only kids#close in age to each other but theyāre NOT but it is definitely not like. i would choose you for any lifetime it is very will smith hockey#(once again) very aware he has to wait for mack to settle down. like now that iām saying this i DO want clairvoyant will smith which is not#where it goes in the first half but just in the sense of like. those silly posts that are like āinvested early in stock!ā & itās a picture#of braden holtby & his beautiful bisexual wife brandi back when holts was a hipster who wore skinny scarves & now everyone thinks heās sooo#like that but itās will smith saying my god you are insufferable but youāll be fantastic in five years. get in the fucking car.#(yes i am drawing extensively from the one picture where will has COMPLETELY tuned him out (there is a football reasoning reference here?#with the patriots? neonfretra drew this also but it was a tweet about the teams. thereās layers to this here ANYWAY) weāre building a life#i realize after the fact i addressed neither the dilf (gilf?) fucking here nor the content of the actual video & polycules to which i say:#brain scrampled egg. the burnsie/joe/patty/(pavs???) polycule just exists to me and the kids intersect the venn diagram but in a much#smaller portion than they intersect each other in both ways (will/mack joe/the guys)#also as for the content of the video. youāre gonna have to give me at LEAST (how long did it take me until i actually started posting tzjd?#i hate that this is my metric but it really was like. i see everyone yelling about them & iām like ok. [please ignore the irrational hatred#i have for tz at the time it has to do with moritz seider and also whenever i see him on the ice something awakens in kill mode] and i DO#blame tzjd for my 800 drafts and it took me like. a good while before i finally went OH kay. i see it. okay i can get invested. horizon at#a 45 degree angle moon in the late waxing gibbous winds scented of orange & blowing S by SW from the vortex cycle etc etc ass conditions)
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i Do think it's funny how much dead bean drop has specifically like... been such a starting point of everything that's been going on in my mind but they really did just manage to hit a bullseye being all like "oh yeah and lumpus and slinkman went to camp together as kids" like Ugh. You can't just say that to me. Come on. look at this Stupid thing
"and there's so much potential there" - ME ABOUT PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING I'VE EVER GOTTEN MY HANDS ON
#talk#camp lazlo#i love his big silly hair so much#stuff i wanna clean up my thoughts and post about eventually:#slinkman's āpull yourself together; this is who you areā scene and how things like that tie into the rest of his issues#LIKE#sorry i can't even mention that and not go off about it but ohhh my god slinkman#LIKE THESE LITTLE CHARACTERIZATION DOTS FOR HIM ARE SO LIKE... CLEAN? I GUESS?#they really do all feel so connected#i seriously gotta just go and work on my notes though i just wanted to repost at least a little art#before i actually got into it all cus i'm still not sure how many people are interested#and it's a lot to go through like#Guys#i can't go a few days without amassing like another 6k words in notes which is actually kind of annoying!#and this is why every year i get sucked in for a while again because i'm just looking stuff over like#Okay... That's kind of Genius...#nauseous typing this and remembering ''what did YOU put in your time capsule scoutmaster lumpus? :)'' ''my youth š'' (beat)#or whatever#ANYWAY#i love this episode cus its a lot for me to chew on and also so crazy in so many ways honestly#and lumpus truly kills me when it's such a ''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM'' thing but Oh. Oh i know exactly what's Wrong with him ā¤ļø
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Scum Villainās Survival Guide where itās Shen Jiu as the transmigrator. SJ gets tracked into this āMake The Target Happy!ā mission system and is so resentful that at the end of every success he pulls the plug and ruins his targetās life, and itās not technically against the rules is it? But now heās gotta go back and right all his wrongsāthereās the demon lord he betrayed and killed, the war hero who thinks heās an alien agent who betrayed humanity, etc. etc. At the end of the day itās all about growthāhe panics at the thought that heās responsible for another personās happiness so heād rather crush it himself. Righting every wrong involves actually baring a part of himself and itās mortifying and horrifying to let someone else choose to love him.
#plot stockpile#the real question is who is the system#SY or SQH#itās gotta be SQH right? god!System#SJ is his test case kinda like The Good Place#but heās kinda panicking cause SJās going wayyyyy off script but thatās okay he can uhhh make it work#he can make growth happen! for his son!!!!!#and SY makes a better ęø£ę» anyways lol heās got the ļæ½ļæ½ēŗ backstory#itās gotta loop back to Qi-ge tho#I havenāt gotten to the end of Scum Shouās Guide yet so I dunno what the convergence plot will be#but pull The other book in here#Qi-ge is his last åæēµ#the root cause of all his emotional problems lol#but somehow all the other ę»s come through and have happy harem times#also who is MBJ#how do we get him to SQH
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday š#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose šāļø#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy š#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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bad body days like oh great i want to off myself but I won't even be pretty at my funeral
#omg kiera no one cares#'bad body days' isn't that everyday??#i was hungry after work so i ATE and now i want to die because oh my god why do i look like that!!!!#cruelest thing to happen to me is to be hungry like wtf#i just want to be HOT WHEN I DIE MY FUNERAL IS MY BIG DAY#AND I'M SO UGLY I CAN'T EVEN DIE NOW CAUSE I'LL LOOK DISGUSTING#face is okay minus a zit wanting to come on my nose but isn't#you can't tell it just hurts#but the body..... oh the body my biggest enemy but outside and in#anyway gotta go get my hip mole looked at š and be reminded of what i look like
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Idk if you saw or not but a new chapter of the fury of a shattered mirror dropped last night! I havenāt read it yet but I thought I should let you know šš
awughgh HELL YEAH!! ive been away from my laptop for a while so i didnt see, thank you birdy!! :] this is the best news ive had all day hkjgh <33 excited very excited going to read it now <33
#volta transmissions#SKILLS ARE BACK BABEYYYYYYY!! ehehehehe :] oh i LOVE seeing them come back from just ''??????'' SMILES REALLY HAPPILY#welcome back to the world little ones... oh im so happy to see them... :'] ''You do you softie'' EHEHE... skills interactions :D! yay!!!!!#okay i'll add more liveblogging in the tags as i go probably hkjhg <33 i appreciate you very much birdy <33#''the avant-garde prick is just making shit up again'' HAKJDHKJ... ''You did us proud holding out til the end'' WAH... ENDURANCE... ;O;#WELCOME BACK ENCY SMILES!!! no motorics skills yet though thats to be expected hkjh <3 ency ''you have the facts'' and#empathy ''and the emotions'' HKJGH IS THAT A FACTSFEELINGS SKILLSPOSTING REFERENCE /J lots of voli talking!!! very happy about this <3#VOLITION - ''if we had the logician here...'' ''...'' ''damnit i thought that would work'' HAHAJKSHDSKJH SMILES. HA.#''Punch something. maybe Coach will show up'' HHFKJH... oh my god this makes me so happy... cmon we gotta get the gang back together...#half light!! hello!! my darling!! LETS GO!! ough buT NOT ENOUGH TO GET ARMS BACK NOOUIGHJ MOTORICS WHERE ARE YOU LITTLE BUDDIES???#''try to get eyes back online'' ''come on come on--'' OUGH I LOVE... i love how theyre all supporting each other as they come back online..#TEAMWORK!! CMON LETS GET EVERYONE BACK!! YEAH BOI WE GOT A MOTORICS BACK UP!! HELLO PERCEP! calm down! you need composure in here!!#THE JOYWIRE... OUGH STOP STOP IM SO FOND... VOLI CMON. nooo ourgh takes damage... ''You were really gonna cut me out?'' AWAH... WAHHH!!!!!#ow my heart my HEART. chemi baby my little darling... hugging him kissing his forehead... THERES OUR LOGICIAN HELLO DARLING!!#hkjh trying to cue in interfacing DAMN :'] good metaphor anyway concept it was very well laid. voli keeping track of each of them too hehe#HI DRAMA YAYY! platonic love story! friends!!! ''Neuroplasticity's off the charts.'' ''I'm surprised you know a word that long that isn't-#'''amphetamines''' ''Dextromethorphan asshole'' HAJKSH YOU FUCKING TELL 'EM! YOU'RE NOT E-CHEMISTRY FOR NOTHING!!!#again with trying to get Phys back in hkjhg INLANDDD SMILES HI THERE DREAMER!! Logic just like ''yeah. i hate it here.'' ''have you tried?'#okay this is the 20th tag. hopefully a reblog will be enough to finish out my thoughts but god knows i have so much to say hjhg#esprit: Birdy
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January 2024: well, I canāt get my antidepressants anymore and this withdrawal makes me want to kill myself. From now on Iāll just raw dog these feelings so I never have to deal with these side effects again.
June 2024: Iām gonna die. Iām gonna die. Iām gonna die. The world is ending. Weāre all walking through the end times and whether I die soon or the world collapses in on itself, I can feel the simultaneous emptiness and crushing weight of the end. There is nothing.
#this isnāt really funny is it?#anyway so yeah going back to the dr tomorrow to ask for antidepressants#which ones I donāt know. Iāve been on so many that I donāt know if anything really works#THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION FOR EVERYONE. THIS IS JUST ME. I NEED TO BE MEDICATED. I LOVE YOU. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.#a whole nothingburger of a roadblock hit me earlier and I ended up having to sit outside for an hour#basically āhey can you maybe go to your appt a bit earler just in case they can see you soonerā and I was likeā¦ why bother w/ ANYTHING!#one of those stupid things thatās so easy to work with in retrospect but at the time I honestly felt so hopeless and pushed around#what a fucking baby#anxiety and depression can just turn you into a fucking baby#I SAY THIS SO EMPATHETICLY! You are NOT a baby! your brain just doesnāt work right! Iām so sorry we gotta deal with this.#some people donāt need meds. some do. this post is about me. my chemicals have been caustic for years. I gotta balance the humors my liege#so basically Iāve been antidepressant free since mid jan. itās sucked. itās getting WOOOOORSE.#so as much as I hate adjusting to new meds. as much as I say āI donāt notice a differenceā#about that. THIS is the difference you dumb bitch (me)!#Iāll be on meds and kinda mehhhh. but this. without meds. Iāll take meh and functional over months of meh and then suddenly DEATH!#Iām not in a position where I can just go out and get a bunch of healthy food and go work out and change my environment and blah blah blah#Iām poor and disabled boy!#but godā¦ I know thereās more I could reasonably do. I know. I donāt need suggestions. Iām sorry. to myself and everyone Iām annoying.#justā¦ for right now. for this week. let me try to rebalance.#I got some antianxieties to last a week maybe but theyāre not cure-alls.#I wish I could say oh I popped an Ativan and I felt so good but NO! it makes me sleepy and a bit calmer and itās NOT sustainable!#I canāt be drowsy all day long. I definitely CANāT handle a benzo problem. fuck I am always worried about withdrawals with this stuff.#oh dang. Iāve just been sitting here rambling for maybe half an hour now in my little chair. doofus.#okay sorry to bother you#I love you and I love you and also I love you#you can ignore this#text
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