#and if i didnt take it i was just gonna sleep all day and have 0 laundry
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i suddenly became aware of what i looked like and had to stop everything to draw it
#zymart#zymtalk#uhhh context im in a really bad overnight job rn [totally jacked up my hands]#but its also like absolutely floored me so my rooms been bad#and i had leftover adhd medication that wasnt quiiiite right for me from a few months ago#[as in it worked enough to justify the headache it gave me but it still gave me a mega headache]#and if i didnt take it i was just gonna sleep all day and have 0 laundry#and for the record you should never do this i take medication and getting the right types and right dosages very seriously#BUT. IN MY DEFENSE. my floor is clean now and all my laundry is put away. so like do i get results or do i get results.#this was a once time thing until i talk to my psych again LOL
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im so glad this is my last day of work for the week and i have monday off
this week has been ROUGH
#trying to muster up enough energy and focus to finish my current project#which isn't even that bad but i am so tired#on top of the stuff with ares#who is doing much better but is still not 100%#(plus he needs multiple meds 2x a day & absolutely hates it & im decent at administering them but my hands are so torn up)#husbando has been having a hard time getting his adhd and anti-depressant meds#like his doctor just.... didnt feel like putting in the prescription i guess#and when she finally did he was already on like day 3 of cold turkey withdrawals#and then we find out it's gonna take another two days bc the pills have to come from florida??????#what??????#but hes been a wreck the past few days and his sleep schedule is all out of whack which messes up mine#we all need a break over here is what im getting at#t: wench.txt
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won��t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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had to reset my sobriety tracker back to 0 today gravely upsetting moment for me
#i know recovery isnt linear but still fuckkvkkvkkgkfkfkf#was sober for like 35 days and i really didnt wanr to break the streak and then i just did it#and then the app sent me my nightly notification asking about my progress for the day and i was like fuck i have to reset it or else this is#all for nothing 🙁 so upset but it’s been so hard lately#gonna take double dose of my sleeping meds bc i cant be awake anymore today
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:( i was so close to finally getting my sleep schedule fixed but for some reason my alarm didnt fucking go off so i slept a full 8 hours instead of taking a 3 hour nap. i was supposed to to to bed in like. 5 hours. not gonna happen now 😔
#this is genuinely upsetting ive been trying for a MONTH now to readjust things so im not sleeping#during the entirety of the day#bc i like have Important Shit To Do#but i simply cannot stay awake when the sun is out and i simply cannot sleep when it is dark. just end me#like genuinely about to cry. ive been needing to call the fucking office about my work program#bc they forgot to . im acruwllt too upset to words right now. but theh forgot to “something” and ive#been trying to call them for WEEKS#but no matter how many alarms i set my ass is UNCONSCIOUSS for all of their business hours.#im so fucking sick of it i was sleeping just fine at night just two months ago.#but i physically cannot stay awake for a full 16 hours#so i keep taking a nap when i mean to sleep - just sleeping like an hour and then being physically unable to sleep more#and then when i try to take a nap i just sleep for 6-8 hours no matter how many alarms i have set.#i THINK the problem is im able to turn off my alarm without waking up.#i have to solve a little puzzle to turn it off but that doesnt help :(#like it aint aeven entirelt about me bc i could sene thenoffice an email whenever.#but id prefer to do it during business hours cause i already sent one in the night and they never responded#but More Importantly#the animals keep not getting fed at all bc im asleep :((#oh and Also my stomach is fucked#bc i wasnt expecting to sleep so long so i didnt eat beforehad..... now im so hingry i feel like im gonna hu#hurl*
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hello hello hello i just remembered that my english teacher told me a week ago that she's interested in my writing and sent her my two (currently) best short stories with a very polite unnecessarily elaborate message i just Did that i did do that are you proud of me
#also i got early enough to eat breakfast today#which. i havent done the rest of the week#BUT in my defense my alarm clock is kinda broken#also i took a walk#i mean mostly it was spite bc our buses just got more espensive (like a Lot) and this way i can go by bus both ways tomorrow#and it wasnt actively snowing but theres snow and it smells nice so i decided fuck it and walked home#but like i also did take a silly little walk for my silly little mental health and fantasized about silly little blorbos meanwhile#AND i finished a fic of sorts#and i took a five minute power nap on the floor of that one room we kinda lurk in at school in our free time#and majorly surprised a classmate whod seen my jacket but not me (<- lying behind the table in front of the heater under the window)#which was very funny when i just sat up and gave my comment to the Homework Situation and she just went Whoop Biscuit Youre Here??#no it was. it was a good day i think#ik i didnt think so all day but. i dont actually remember those parts. thats. thats pretty neat#a biscuit's rambles#anyways i should go to sleep i have two exams tomorrow yippee#theyre not gonna be too bad tho. pe is gonna be worse lmao
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hgrhgrhg work on big [redacted] project or play h.sr........
#i didnt take a midday nap i actually just slept for another 2 hours after eating breakfast#and do i feel less sick? yes actually i feel fine but i do feel kinda sore bc i slept in a weird position#which is normal for me actually surprisingly enough#i havent worked on [redacted] in 3 ish days egads. i need to stop making excuses for myself i really need to wokr on it#but i have sooooo much time....................... and im basically almost halfway done with it. i could finish that by the end of this mon#h and then work on [redacted] for [redacted] too and i also had [redacted] for it as well so i mean theres no harm right#i could.......... if only i stop feeling like shit every day for different reasons#urghrghrgh i feel a lil sick... stummy hurt and nose keeps running ughhhhhhhhhh i should not have gone outside < thinks its allergies#honestly tho h.sr is only gonna take like 20 mins MAX bc the quest thing for the shop management gameplay is TIMELOCKED im soooo upset by t#at by the way also i hate how it intterrupts my gameplay with sidequests PLEASE . ok ik that it makes it more fun and less boring/.#i should play a shop management game again. like ykno those ones on like coolmathgames. egads theyre sooo addicting to me theyre like candy#ok but i also have to play the tour for eng.stars adn btw IM NTO READING SATELLITE UNTIL ALL THE STORIES COME OUT so i can binge read them#egads. i was supposed to farm 3 hours ago and now my 2nd farming session is coming up in a couple of minutes except i slept thru the first!#ok but i NEEDED that sleep its fine. its fine ill farm it all now its fineeeeeeee#nova.txt
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Gosh, I really do hate november, it's such a dreary, gray, depressing time of the year. Like, the seasonal depression at it's Height. For 90% of the time Im so tired and steeped in dread I can do barely anything more than claw my way through the days just simply surviving and honestly, I think I should be allowed to just hibernate through these late autumn/early winter months until the time where the day is normal length again and I feel less dead on my feet because this? This is awful and it's all the same every year. Hate it here, fr...
#personal#vent#rant#Raksh vents#depression#seasonal depression#maybe today its worse but tbh#Ive been feeling this way for the whole weekend and the only time it lessens#is when Im back at uni with my friend group and my brain is occupied with classes#any other time Im teetering over the abyss of seasonal depression and want nothing more but sleep through it all#I would not get out of the bed if I didnt have to#and today is def some kind of peak bcs I just feel like crying my way through the whole day#(tbf tho my period is also months late and these have been happening)#(every time they do Im like maybe I'll finally get my period! but nope no luck)#ehhh I guess Im just having a really bad day today#week#weekend...#anyway I had to get this off my chest#still got some stuff to take care of for my classes tomorrow#but Im ngl I can’t give a fuck about it and Im prob gonna do just the barest minimum#and I should be working on my thesis with how I dont even have one full chapter finished :')#anyway I have some nice comments in my google docs to reply to#maybe that'll give me a few minutes of respite from the dread#sorry to anyone that got through all this depressive venting!#hope your days are going better 💗
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sorry for being emotional on the dash but god that was good to all get out. i guess the solution to being constantly nostalgic for this shit is to just, yk, say yes to more things. have more experiences. go back to my dad's house jesus christ like 99% of the childhood memories that make me cry take place there because i've convinced myself it's a place i can't go back to...BITCH THAT'S YOUR DAD! TAKE A TRAIN THERE RIGHT NOW AND STOP WHINING!
#ugh#all myposts sounds so stupid poetic its the subject matter it makes me sound stupid#these are not meant to be relatable to anyone this is just me crying about stuff i miss#i guess theyre all so bittersweet because in many memories i was already deeply depressed and also. repressed. about being trans#theyre like little glimpses of light when i had fun#i just miss celebrating easter at my dads house#i wanna do an egg hunt again. im gonna ask if we can do that again next year lol idgaf#i just hope my brother has time on easter#also ihave no idea where im gonna sleep at my dads house because they already turned my room into a storage room#and NOW they also gave the couch i sleep on to my brother for HIS apartment#so like?#my brother said i can sleep on his bed and he sleeps in his car but that sounds like a stupid solution#maybe i could take the living room couch lol itd keep me from holing up in my room and being depressed all day. if i just#didnt have a room anymore yk?#thats a big problem for me i always go places and then im too depressed and physically exhausted to do anything there#i hate being depressed. i genuinely hate it. and i hate that it took me so long to believe my depression diagnosis#because iwas just so used to it yk? i didnt think it was that bad#but staying in my room all day even on whats supposed to be fun familyvacations is noooot. healthy or normal#maybe when i was a teen but im an adult now lol im no longer going thru puberty i dont think#speaking of i have a post idea
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period FINALLY fuckinf started. took its sweet time with it huh
#ive been cramping and having stupid digestive issues for a solid week. at my wits end fr#been putting off taking proper painkillers for them bc i can only take them for 3 consecutive days#and cramps are MUCH worse when it actually starts so i didnt wanna be rawdogging em.#but i got woken up from the pain last night and was like fuck it i just want to sleep for once so took them regardless#but yeah actually bleeding now thank god. just a few rough days and itll be over for this cycle#ughhhh. anyway i have a few hours off work for this drs appt and the bus was early (or the prev one was very late lmao)#so got 20 mins to kill at home.. sooo weird to be outside of work on a weekday in daylight hours lol i left for work before dawn#and ill be home after dusk tn. sighhh. well at least i get some daylight today i don't usually get any bc my lunch break is too short#to feasibly leave the building AND eat 😔 im rlllly gonna need my sad lamp this year#mmm anyway im gonna read a bit i think and then head out early just in case the clinic is hard to find..i havent been to this one before#hopefully all goes well 🤞🤞🤞🤞#.diaries
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/meds talk, mental health as well ig, uhhhhhh
#kats personal#talked to the gp today (that works alongside the psych) and super long story short#she said the best course of action would be to just stop taking vyvanse for 2-3 weeks#primarily bc shes concerned about my shortness of breath (which i feel like im so used to i dont notice it unless its super bad#or someone asks me about why i keep taking deep breaths)#but also (tbh idk if she implied this or not) to see how its affecting my energy/mood? bc uve been exhausted the last month#and part of thr struggle is not knowing what symptoms are being caused by what bc there was and is so much goijg on all at once#obvs i didnt plan for it all to happen at the same time but it just. worked out that way unfortunstely.#BUT vyvanse shouldnt ??? make my mood and energy drop as early as it does??? and my first month and a but on it i felt Good tbh#(re: energy and sociability) but now i just 🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️🧍🏻♂️#and then yeah okay my sleeps fcked as well so THAT doesnt help at all#and my diet and weight post-op is ugh#and then the additional stress of thr family stuff#anyways what i set out to say was idk how im gonna. manage uni and family if going off meds actually causes a crazy crash#like im lowkey scared that the only reason im even managing to do the bare min these days is because of tje meds giving me a lil boost#but anyways guess we'll find out#but i have so much shut to do these next two weeks that i just 🫠
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I dont need may to be over but this week's going to be hell. Worse of the year by miles.
#i have to handle my dad mad at me for saying things he didnt want to hear and setting some really important boundaries#pipoca got neutered today and i had so much errands to run bc of it and i followed him around all day#and he had a bunch of small accidents tonight and it was the first time in five months that he intentionally scratched me#i have an important test tomorrow and my dad was going to drive me#now i have to hope my mom's shift is ok so she can take me#even if its mother's day#then i have two days to edit and print my masters#including getting a certificate from my library#ill have to deliver it in hands bc of the strike its literally an emergency thing so i have to take the bus to my lil old city#i have stuff to do back home so ill just go drop everything and come back the same day#and i havw to be there on sunday again for a test#all of this while giving pipoca his meds and i know hes gonna get pissed off and every time it happens he doesnt want to sleep with me
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It sucks so much once you realize how entwined someone is in your life, then it just sucks more when you have to scrub away the traces it existed. That it was there, and it was good, until it wasn't anymore.
(Ignore my angry venting it's 3am I'm cranky and want chocolate.)
#vent#i feel like my hands are soaked in blood that soap cant clean#'blood is thicker than water' they say but that just makes it all the harder to scrub away once it goes bad#i loved you so much and i still do but now everything is just bitter and rotting and i hate it so much#and im just ranting to myself about how unfair it is that im doing so much better but i still miss what i had#that it wasnt your fault i didnt get help sooner- i believed so badly that i didnt deserve help.#that if i just waited long enough id rot away and be done with it all.#and i never got to say 'thank you for loving me when i couldnt love myself' at the worst time of my life.#you tried to help me. i can appreciate that#but i can be bitter that you still abandoned me. i have that right. i am going to be better and do better but you dont get to have that.#im still learning how to be a proper human. one that can learn to love herself and not distrust any form of affection.#but im going to do that on my own and when im better i hope you see it. i really hope you do.#you both still abandoned me though so fuck you both for that. im not gonna be nice about it anymore.#i didnt wanna hurt feelings even though mine were CONSTANTLY trampled over. so yeah. fuck you. that feels good to say.#fuck you for never apologizing. fuck you for abandoning me in a city i had no place else to go in. fuck you for giving me false hope.#fuck you for making promises you couldnt keep. fuck you for all the times i felt alone or excluded or just plain unwanted.#fuck you for constantly picking each other over me. fuck you for all the times i had to swallow how i felt because it was 'mean'.#fuck you for making your love conditional. fuck you for never even trying to understand how i felt. fuck you for taking years of my life.#and mostly just- fuck you for making me think i was worth it.#i felt like i had to do all the work in that friendship. starting convos and game days and INTERACTING.#the friends i have now dont do that shit. they COMMUNICATE WITH ME. Fuck you for that too by the way! not communicating!#rant over. fuck you. im gonna sleep now knowing you wont see this cuz ya BLOCKED ME.
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ooc. i'd like to interact with more people so if u wanna let me know. i should continue sending v day asks but for tomorrow cuz brain melts. if u want one for a specific muse i haven't send to yet let me know. looks at your muses lists and mass send to all because sharing is caring weeee.
#ooc.|| faty speaks#[gonna go poke the boys in LnD and then sleep#[woes of long day of tiny gremlins jumping around and calling your name at 20mach speed and u have to run to separate two kids WWE style a#[at each other before the headmistress and school owner see them on the camera.#[yes classes now have cameras. wow. sugio. if u sneeze the school owner is like “why did u sneeze?”#[yesterday my friend kept calling me and it frightened me to no end#[i was in class and i couldn't pick up unless i want to be fired.#[i had to wait for the students to start writing things down and turned a little bit ot the side to listen to her voice notes#[anyway. they expect us to work like robots take all the shit from kids and say nothing back#[and then if a student went and told them A said something they will come at us like WHY DIDNT U SAY ANYTHING#[me who was told to not say anything: ..............ye...u said not to say anything#[and thats why school owner does not like me XDDDD#[she says something and i just nod and walk away.#[aint got no time for her bitching early in the morning man#[she wants theparents to be happy because they pay so whatever happens gotta be the teacher's fault always#[last year she blamed a teacher who was not even in the room when the event happened#[like she is willing to blame all of us if it means the parents will be pleased.#[all i want is a nice job.#[when?#[anyway honks lets change and say love wars~
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been a day
#sisters who are ungrateful and unwilling to help even when they have nothing but time and effort to give#love it!#basically my sister had to drive my other sister and her daughter to get her wisdom teeth out#and she complained to my sister which i didnt know about (about gas and my other sister gave her more than enough for gas money) and then#she came home and gave me attitude saying i shouldve been the one to take them since i was the one who was gonna get them once they were don#this sister has no job (by choice) is married and is a part time student and is pitching a fit about taking an hour out of her day to come h#help out and so i went off on#i have a full time job i take care of my dad with my moms help as one of his primary care givers bc he has parkinsons and is almost#wheelchair bound#every hour im not working or sleeping is helping them which i why i have a full time job#she helps ONCE and has this hissy fit?#i went off on her#and my mom and dad were on her side and that pissed me off even more#god this happened earlier and im still fuming#my mom is in the ER bc her doc was like you gotta get a blood transfusion rn and no one is sitting with her bc im helping my dad and my#other sister isnt. early as capable of taking care of my dad and her daughter#im just so tired#im about to be a full yime student in gard school on top of all this#i just want a break
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