#and idk how to fix it bc thats just how my brain works
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itsalwaysdark · 5 months ago
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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...
#i was looking through old photos today. they where from wjen i was like 1 and it made me so sad#bc my mum would have been like only a year or 2 older then i am now and she looked so young#and now she has an abdomen full of tumors and blistered hands and feet. theyre prob gonna hsve to remove her bladder#but shes still very pragmatic abt it. but she grew up in a house where no one really cared about her feelings so she made them small#and now her mother calls and doesn't ask how her grandkids are doing and doesn't ask how her daughter is doing. im cursed with terrible#grandparents on both sides but i resent my mothers mother worse. though my dad said i probably wouldnt have survived his upbringing#and hes right. my nana has like zero empathy and cant cook for shit. idk how my parents r so normal but the fact i had a good upbringing is#probably the only reason im still here. and thats the other thing that made me sad abt the old pics. just looking at this little baby with a#fucked up head and thinking: in 25 years that kid is gonna b so broken down their not gonns kno what to do or how to fix it. idk whats wrong#with me. ive always been some stage of miserable but i used to b able to get things done. and now i cant seem to force functionality#and it sucks. bc im home now and i still feel like im cringing around this open wound in my chest. but whatever#as of today ive started taking ab1lify. hopefully it helps in the long term but in the short term it triggers my 0cd. which is not fun#its so frustrating. whatever. i also found out my eyes used to not work together. not enough to have a lazy eye but it was hard for me to#read and apparently my eyes were tracking at like double the speed of a normal person. wtf is wrong with my brain? also also my mum was like#yea i never would have guessed bip0lar but we thought it was something. autism i could see 100% but yea didnt see that coming. ao i guess#i brehave like a bit of an oddball. ans my nana would bother my dad to try to make me participate in church and my dad was like no. she#clearly don't wanna b here lol. ay. they did the best they could which i appreciate#unrelated
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gaystardykeco · 2 years ago
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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exculis · 2 years ago
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people will be so nice to me they will be so cool and will be like omgg we should be friends :) and I am like haha okayyy :) and then I don't know how to do that and we just drift apart because I don't know how/when to start conversations so I just go about my daily business and every now and then they will message me and I'll go oh! Exciting! And respond to them but eventually they stop messaging first and by the time I really realize it its been years and I have to wonder if they even want to hear from me anymore at that point. And even if they did what do I say. I don't magically have an idea of stuff to talk about just because its been a while.
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geee-three · 4 months ago
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yeah no im fine dwbi
sorry 4 everything btw
What
What are you sorry for wwhat
You better be okay ehat the hell
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rae-unbeloved · 5 months ago
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HAIIIIII
so i heard Nico is officially Matteo's little brother now
can you tell me more about him pls :3
since Frances (my oc) kinda adopted Matteo (she's a year older), so she is forced to would be friends with him, maybe they could become close?? idk
HIHIHI
SORRY THAT TOOK A BIT IM AT A FRIENDS RN AND KEPT GETTING DISTRACTED <33
Maybe they could get close? Im not 100% because brain is not working and im tyoing this after yapping everything below this- Nico is usually quite quiet n reserved so idk how that would play into stuff ?
uhhhm i'll give a totally amazing summary mhm yup an amazing one :3
So im gonna over basic stuff you might already know + his actual lore stuff and js fucking yap :3 His full name is Nicholas Odasies Dimitriou he's 13 in 1776, his birthday is the 17th of july 1763 :3 he's half scottish half greek <3 His dad's the Scottish one and is related to Freddie :D
Uhh, his father is rarely present, either working or probably like, cheating on his wife idk. His mother dies when Nico is 10 of some kind of illness, leaving him with basically only his older sister and younger brother since yk, his father leaves for the milk a lot<3
They eventually move to America with Nico's maternal aunt when he'ss 12 almost 13. He basically just clings to his sister a bunch then bcs she's really the only person who properly takes care of his, since his aunt isss, ermmm, not the best to him ;-;
On the day after his 13th birthday his sister dies <3 she had a long history of being sick before that, and basically got sick as soon as they moved to America (I haven't decided what state yet bcs i'm a dumbass :3) uhh, Nico would usually stay w her when she was sick, neglecting his own needs to focus on her's, but she still fucking dies in the end so womp womp 🥰🥰 also his sister basically caught the illness from their younger brother so Nico has some hatred towards him.
He kinda falls down a spiral from grief and makes shitty decisions and ends up joining the continental army via running away and bullshitting abt his age :3 he was a a loner for awhile, and a fucking loser ❤️ literally mans just talks to birds because the birds like him 👍👍
at some point Matteo comes in and is just "wtf why is there a child here" and they become friends/adoptive brothers :3 Nico likes drawing cats for matteo and rambling to him about birds and plants whilehe carves stuff :D
Uhh similar happens with Freddie but he mainly just kinda teaches him things, plays stuff and tells him off for not tying his cravat correctly and helping him fix it 👍👍 (thats a kinda vague description but i have yapped too much :3)
UHHH SO YEAH THATS ABT IT, AT LEAST LIKE FOR TILL THE WAR AND SOMEWHAT IN IT :D
Uhh, @lil-gae-disaster @paradox-complex for Freddie & Matteo mentions? :3
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aita-blorbos · 1 year ago
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(tma oc ask content warning for canon typical levels of buried fuckery)
am i the asshole for driving away my friend?
hey reddit . im posting from a throwaway bc i dont want people connecting this to my work (though i doubt youve heard of me anyways) but i think i messed up terribly and i want to know if this is something i can still fix
also sidenote sorry if my grammar or punctuation or word choice or anything of that sort are poor. i have not been sleeping well for some time
i (19m) am a video game developer. its been my passion for years now and i am currently in uni studying computer games development and programming and level design . although i have considered dropping out but thats a point for later . i post on itch io and such and sometimes i make flash games but idk if anyone reading this has played a single one
its been a bit of a hard time for me, if im being honest. i really like games and i really liked making them but i dont think im very good at programming or art or level design or any of the other things that go into the process of making a game . at least a profitable and fun one .
so i ended up coming to this computer science study group in the hopes maybe someone could teach me to be better at programming. and i met this girl. i dont know exactly how old she is, but i want to say she was maybe two or three years ahead of me in her schooling, so probably about 22. anyways lets call her E
E was studying pure computer science and wanted to do it at a high level . so of course she was pretty good at helping me with my really rudimentary programming stuff . and she was friendly and funny and we liked hanging out so we ended up being good friends . she actually complimented my games, once i got them to function, and said my pixel art was cute . my point is we were close . maybe we wouldn’t have been so close if we had anyone else, but i was still new and she was pretty lonely .
really shortly after i met her though i started having fucked up dreams. ok that’s not entirely accurate because i had been having fucked up dreams on occasion for a while . but they got worse and she showed up in them. it was all me locking her in stairwells hitting her over the head and piling earth over her body filling her mouth with mud and cement. terrible things
so i stopped sleeping. i tried not to at least. im pretty sure most uni kids pull all nighters. i know i did even when i was younger. but i wasnt studying for exams or whatever. i was just trying and trying to force myself awake and i started to lose it a bit. my grip on things. it felt like i was sleepwalking through classes and even like i was dreaming when i was awake. id nod off for a moment in a lecture and id feel dirt caked on my hands under my fingernails. and no matter how much i scrubbed and how much i knew with my eyes it wasnt there it just. refused to come off . and it felt like her blood
i don’t remember how we got on the topic but i remember she told me how she always worried a little bit about being trapped . like claustrophobia of a flavor that shows itself in locked doors and thick walls and collapsing underground stations. that made me feel even more odd about the whole thing . of course i felt awful about hurting her but that part of it was like a joke i didn’t get
and then weirdly enough i got really into nineties 3D games. they have these skyboxes that make it really obvious they’re not actually infinite . and i thought that was kind of interesting in context. like the whole world is a box you’re in so why worry so much about if the stairwell door will lock behind you
i kind of started thinking that was something i would like to replicate with my art . like if i put all my issues into one game they would be out of my brain and gone . maybe it could even be pleasant without the whole preying on my friends terror thing
so now we get to the part of the story where i fear i really really messed up . i made this game . and honestly i dont remember the development very well . sleep deprivation is a dreadful thing . i remember again and again while i was making it kind of coming to my senses not knowing where i was and finding massive parts of the game that i didnt remember making at all.
it was set in a stairwell but i dont remember buying or making the models for the door . there was a really weird kind of way the game functioned with an infinite path going up but how that functioned i couldnt tell you . and i dont remember composing the audio or where i might have downloaded it from except that i never liked to listen to it for very long . i dont know why i kept it in the game
i always showed my games to E but i really wanted her to see this one in particular. so she came by my flat and played it and then i remember she just glared at me . there was something to the look she gave me . it was like she was completely horrified and was trying to pretend she was just angry instead
she hasnt spoken to me since . and i think i fucked up . i knew it was playing at her issues and i think maybe i even made it at least subconsciously to pry at them. like the same part of me with dirt under my fingernails was also sitting there typing away on that keyboard .
but at the same time its just a game . and im better at programming now too . like something just clicked there
honestly though development lately has been weird. its been hard trying to go back to the old sort of pixel art platformers and shoot em ups and that kind of thing i used to make. every time i open any program its like im just staring at it and imagining skyboxes. putting it all in a box imprisoning every world i make that kind of thing. like i said earlier ive been considering dropping out. but i dont know. i think id need to sleep on it
i still have weird fucked up dreams but E isnt in them anymore . i dont know where shes gone . i think maybe my idea worked somehow and i did transfer all that shit to my art . and then that just all went right to her . but i dont know if i like that idea or hate it
anyways reddit am i the asshole?
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pup-pee · 1 year ago
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*presents u my dick grayson hcs like ur @ my garage sale* (dick hcs #1?)
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♡ this
♡ hes a passenger princess(no this is cannon whoopsie)
♡ dick is like the first girl 2 b killed in a slaughter movie, but just as a 27-ish yr old adult man
♡ draws on a beauty mark in a different spot everytime & gaslights any1 who asks about it -"hey wasnt ur beauty mark under ur other eye?" -"idk i cant see my own face"
♡ hes always losing his hairties bc he keeps shooting them @ ppl -& rubberbands 4 that matter
♡ we dont talk about the skin grip example -it involves a lot of falling & a lot of crashing -if ykyk
♡ dick usually has a twix in his pocket, but in order 2 get it u have 2 guess if its a left or right twix -he also respectfully keeps the left twin in his left pocket & the right twix in the right pocket
♡ he never believed in santa claus but is terrified that watermelon will grow inside him if he swallows the seeds
♡ not rlly a hc but hes vry mcdonals girl toy coded
♡ says "fuck it we ball" b4 jumping in2 a drug ring
♡ the hardest hes laughed in a while was @ a bucket falling over
♡ "masculine but in a peacock way" quotes,,,,,
♡ makes hot chocolate in a pot -refuses 2 make it in a mug it HAS 2 b done on the stove or its not the same
♡ knows how to do his make-up but doesnt know the name of the product he uses -foundation? no thats just my face paint
♡ if u ask him 2 draw, hell say "i cant even draw a straight line!"
♡ dick; *pulls out sticker sheet* *puts mlp sticker some1s face*
♡ swallowed grapes/blue berries whole as a kid bc he didnt know better -didnt chew them*
♡ dicks fav turtle is leo
♡ fixates on tinkering w/his bits & bots
♡ wears crocs -"y do u wear crocs?" -dick; kicks in their direction so the croc hits theyre face
♡ eyeballs measurements(like cooking) -until it comes 2 clothes, then its ultra mega super duper whopper popper deluxe edition focus
♡ h8s grippy socks -the textures weird + attracts halys hair(as if all socks wouldnt but-) -prolly h8s socks in gen
♡ had 2 have snorted pixie stick as a kid -i am such a believer that every kid has done this so he will 2 -as a dare @ LEAST
♡ when hes angry he plops 1 of those sweet cough drops in his mouth 2 chew on just so that he doesnt go off -any hard candy works 2 -he needs 1 of those chewie chewables
♡ biting/chewing hcs bc it needs a separate category @ this point -keeps chewing on earbuds -h8s biting his nails actually -no pen or pencil or eraser is safe -loves biting but h8s when his food is 2 chewy/has 2 bite harder than usual -has more than 1nce caught himself about 2 chew on electrical wire -bites ppl he loves 2 show appreciation/love nom -(i will defend this goddamn hc till the day i die)
♡ pizza bagels -if ur confused, come see me after class
♡ titans have basically banned horror movies from movie nights bc dick would complain about the gore/physics/traps/mo/literally anything 'inaccurate' -"dick its just a movie" "U DONT UNDERSTAND."
♡ has the most social media followers out of batfam but only posts 1nce a month(sometimes not) -its just a picture of his half eaten cereal captioned "beautiful day today"
♡ titians walked in on him doing a backbend & thought some1 murdered him(not 4 vry long though cause oviously he was alive i just like the thought of some1 like roy when he 1st joined the team walking in & doing the most dramatic gasp ever)
♡ listen, i like contortionist dick -its fun & silly
♡ takes 'cringe' as a compliment
♡ "ur mature 4 ur age!" dick; "let me fix that real quick"
♡ hair grows vry quickly
♡ h8s functioning labels(i mean we all should but yk)
♡ skilled in bingo
♡ over buys treats 4 haly -& toys
♡ insane internal clock -kinda ties in; tells ppl specific times -"meet me @ 2;37 pm" as an example
♡ comic sans enjoyer(literally stole from ttg but shhhhhh)
♡ more invested in presidential gay love affairs than WW1 or 2
♡ hes about yay high
♡ hyperfixates on languages istg
i literally could go on 4ever bc my brain is that highway in germany but i wont i regret nothing
pt 2 <- if i make 1 lol
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taintedcigs · 10 months ago
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EMMY’S TTPD REVIEW!!!!
i might do another review when i get some sleep and listen again but fuck do i have thoughts under the cut
i never doubted her and im being so serious. like what a wild fucking ride im in SHAMBLES. fortnight is such a good start to the album and sets the tone for the remaining songs.
florida!!! is AMAZING. taylor + florence’s voices mesh SO well together and the sounds just exploded in my ear in the best way possible. title track is cheeky which I LOVE. down bad is just so catchy and the way she says “fuck it if i can’t have him” is engraved in my brain forever.
so long, london. my god. what a fuxking intro. perfectly describing to carry on a relationship you know is dead weight???? the wedding reference ??? “how much sad did you think i have in me” ??? im literally dead?
but daddy i love him is unhinged. self-aware. again VERY cheeky. and imo a slight attempt to cut the parasocial ties a bit w swifties LMAO!
fresh out the slammer, guilty as sin, the alchemy and clara bow (the stevie nicks NAME DROP??? i gasped) are ALL SO EXCELLENT. i need a second listen to have more opinions tho!!!
who’s afraid of little old me is fuckiiiinnnnggg genius. same with i can do it with a broken heart. this album employs a tone that is so very self-critical (that she previously tapped into in midnights) and we can see how most of the lyrics are more in on the joke. its so genius and like i never doubted her ever i have noooo words. also the way she explores the “toxic positivity” in icdiwabh is just SOOO genius. she does so much twists and turns with this album and im eating up all of it. (also the overall way she describes mental health complexities in both of these songs is so important to me)
the smallest man whoever lived. THE ANGER. oh god im living for her unhinged lyrics its so fucking good.
loml: look i hate this title. im sorry. but ou my god. this fucking song. love of my life turning into loss of my life…. like she’s killing me overrrr here😭😭😭
i can fix him (no really i can). the sound. i just. i have no words. i will try to express my feelings better later but the “whoa maybe i can’t” at the end. GOD. thats how the entire album is. self-referential, critical, and in on the joke. im in awe of how good it all sounds together.
like ill just probably be rambling but holy fuck. it exceeded my expectations in the best way possible. idk how this woman does it. but shes a powerhouse. in every way possible. the album is very unhinged, depressing, cheeky, and entirely raw. this is seriously one of her best works and its MUCH different than anything else she has put out. 10/10. im gagged.
i will now be going to sleep, but if any fellow tortured poets want to discuss this album (lyrically, sonically, parallels, influences, ANYTHING) send me an ask bc i can’t be normal about this masterpiece
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moldwood · 15 days ago
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no i appreciate the rambling!!! thank u for the recommendations :) for some reason i tend to struggle more with free tutorials, i think because i feel less pressure to finish them whereas with paid ones im like ok i spent real actual money on this i should probably make sure im not wasting it lmao. but i will probably check out that first one you linked for sure since that was one of the ones i was already looking at!! ngl i use blender so infrequently that i feel like i always forget Literally Everything about how to use it every time i go back to it so beginner friendly is probably a good thing lmao.
tbh im not expecting to get too much into texturing & stuff yet since i mostly just want basic face models to use for consistency when drawing my ocs from different angles... but like. i say that, but then that means i might as well do full body models & rig them so i can also use them to get proportions & poses more accurate... and if i want to have references for different expressions i should probably also learn how to rig faces... & if im gonna do all that i might as well texture them too. and i guess add like clothes, and hair thats not just a solid unmoving chunk lmao. for some reason textures just scare me tho lmao wdym you took a 3d thing and cut it up into a flat image. like i get it in theory but my brain Does Not Like It.
BUT i think topology is definitely a big thing i want to focus on. its definitely something i struggle with... mostly bc i havent really looked into how to do it properly yet. i have an old model that ive been chipping away at every so often for like. idk a few years? (i really, really dont use blender often lmao) and im still struggling to get the topology on the face to look good. honestly i should probably just restart it but i dont wanna :( but i did get one of those bundles with retopoflow a while back!! i just havent actually checked it out yet lmao. also that chart should definitely come in handy bc the head/neck connection is one of the parts thats been giving me trouble on the model i mentioned, i have one spot on it thats just connected weird no matter how much i try to fix it so hopefully i can reference that to figure something out.
anyway sorry i guess its my turn to ramble now but thank you for the recs!! i will definitely be looking into them :)
i think because i feel less pressure to finish them whereas with paid ones i'm like ok i spent real actual money on this i should probably make sure i'm not wasting it lmao
felt!!!! the consequences make it something you Gotta do. and fellllt at the whole second paragraph, i was like "wellllll i'm just going to learn to model simple stuff to make the buildings in a comic i'm working on to make doing backgrounds easier :)" and that was a lie. it was a lie it was a huge lie. learning is my favorite pastime it was never going to just be simple building blocks.
for some reason textures just scare me tho lmao wdym you took a 3d thing and cut it up into a flat image. like i get it in theory but my brain Does Not Like It.
the course does cover this and setting up seams on your model to unwrap from in a way that makes it very understandable luckily! my only complaint is that blender's painting system is camera oriented instead of vertex oriented like sculpting is. but as long as you keep rotating your model around and fixing things and making use of the mask tool to get sharper edges, it's not too bad
and @ paragraph 3 y e a those bundles come with so many addons that i'm like. well i Gotta get it. and then i do not touch them because i'm doing so many sculpts that i don't do anything with once i get to the hair stage 😭 i'm just too lazy for hairrr. but i think retopoflow does make understanding retopology a Bit easier once you know how to use it since it automates some things that are finnicky in blender like relaxing the topology to make the quads more even. one thing flycat does in a few videos is skip the sculpt completely and just do the low poly from scratch just using subdividing once or twice?? there were a lot of little topology tricks i picked up from this one. restarting the topology on your model might not be a bad idea just to refresh on how you did it before, but i know there's some built in stuff in blender now like drawing edges and mayyybe faces from the annotate tool?? and that makes it a lot easier. it's all just finding the motivation to finish the project, which i struggle with too 🥲 you and me buddy we got this.
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uriekukistan · 1 month ago
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For the ask game! 2, 4, 24, 29, 71, 77 (for KNY)! :DD
HI KAT thank you for the ask <3 ily hope youre doing well !!!
2 - Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?
i’m very much an outliner for long fics! for one shots i often free write or just name like a handful of things i wanna hit in the process. but for multichapters my outlines have gotten more detailed as i’ve gone along, and i typically have at least broad outline before i start writing at all.
4 - Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?
they come to me as hallucinations. gifts from the heavens perhaps. idk man they just show up in my brain. sometimes i get ideas from songs, other times i get ideas from just. day to day life. for example, my hockey au idea came from attending a hockey game irl and being like what if….itafushi
24 - Worst writing advice anyone ever gave you?
remember that one anon? i dont think thats bad advice per se but i think they could have been kinder with how they phrased it. sure i was already a bit burnt out with writing but like. idk man that really stuck in my head and made me doubt everything ever.
i mean it wasn’t even advice it was a criticism, but in terms of creative writing i’ve only gotten advice from jinx and sam and it was good, so yeah. closest thing to bad advice i’ve gotten
29 - What’s your revision or editing process like?
hmmm right now i’m in a weird spot bc koi no yokan was written entirely in july, so my edits have mostly looked like rewriting what i wrote back then to sound better. bc i can write better now
other than that i dont typically have a beta it’s just me so. i definitely proofread and look for grammar or phrasing that can be fixed also typos bc i write late at night. generally i try to leave the basics of what i have and enhance it. i tend to neglect physical aspects of stories in favor of emotions so i have to go in and edit that part fs
71 - When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?
i’m still trying to find a method that works for me. right now i still just stick it all in one outline but i find myself losing track of small details or subplots. currently working on improving my system for my Big AU that only ao3 glazers know about
77 - Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from koi no yokan? 
hmmm i’d say megumi and yuuji’s first kiss. i wish i’d dragged it out a bit more to really show how much that moment shattered megumi’s world (in a good way). like that’s kinda the start of his “awakening” and the catalyst for the rest of the story it’s just a very meaningful moment i think.
thank you again for the ask!!
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lapdogchase · 1 year ago
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ive been reading a lot about ptsd for like. academic reasons as well as for the normal reasons (for fun/to try and speedrun fixing my brain (it isnt working)) and something a lot of places emphasize is others’ reactions being a super important part of how someone copes with trauma and if they develop ptsd. and thats something i definitely kind of knew already from experience and it just makes sense but like. idk. i just think about how the first person i told (aside from my therapist who doesnt count and my best friend whos just an extension of my own brain and therefore also doesnt count) abt one trauma just flat out ignored it and kept being friends with the person who hurt me and eventually stopped talking to me entirely in favor of them. and how all i could really do was completely isolate myself from everyone bc i was scared and i couldnt even imagine like. talking to anyone else about it. especially when a professional i talked to was really dismissive and.. not rude exactly but i got the sense that she really didnt like me. but those experiences like back to back ended with me like. shutting down completely and hiding in my room all the time and not talking to anyone and also being actively psychotic and realizing i had a dissociative disorder and its like. 😭 i mean it kinda spiraled wildly out of control. but if that first friend i told hadnt completely brushed it off and ignored it i think things wouldve ended up a lot different. i dont think it had to be that fucking awful. bc now with This situation all my friends have been supportive and accommodating and loving, and my school has been helpful and for the most part making reporting as smooth as possible (still sucks though!), and even though it has definitely been very traumatic like. im also seeing how it Should have been. none of that should have happened. when i told my friend what happened he shouldnt have just REACTED WITH A HEART EMOJI AND THEN NEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN.. he shouldnt have texted that person in front of me every time we hung out. i shouldnt have felt nauseated going to the cafeteria bc id see them together and it felt like being beat to death. i shouldnt have been spiraling into psychosis in my room alone bc i should have had a friend who would be there for me. i shouldnt have gone days without talking to anyone because my friend should have been there for me and wanted to spend time with me. i got through it alone but i shouldnt have had to. and now i dont have to and its just. so fucking wild to. be able to see how important a support system is in my own life and how wildly different its been this year. idk
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popstart · 5 months ago
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hi can we get your heathney thoughts and hc </3 ur ppp fic was so good i read it all in one day i love the dynamic u gave them
talking about ppp in the past tense is kind of killing meee(i want to work on it again idk whats up i just have writers block infinity and health problems + phys disability flareups. blehhh) anyways once i get to it again is when its gonna get good. rn its just setup for setup BUT IM GLAD YOU LIKE IT SO FAR! yay ^_^! truthfully i see way too much wrong with it and want to fix a lot and thats part of why i havent touched it in like. um 7 months🤐. lemme retcon some things and fix the pacing and itll be GOOODDDD...
heathney is literally just whatever i feel like forcing onto them at the moment because when i was writing hcag and ppp there was like... 3 fics for them HELP😭 and i had a different idea in my head than the ones i half-read. i havent really touched ao3 in the same last 7 months so im not sure if its different now but bc it was bleak for a while i kinda just made stuff up and hoped it stuck with people (which apparently it did. im glad people like my work :3)
my thinking about them started when i was writing/drafting heartaches (im still writing for it too. auahghh🫠) it was all spawned by a random train of thought that i wish world tour was less focused on alejandro and more on the dynamic that could have formed around heather and courtney PURELY because of that 1 second scene where heather was comforting courtney. thats literally it that entire fic was spawned by two seconds and some anons egging me on bc it was an idea other people were interested in. I wanted to delve into the thought process of heather behind that. like how genuine was that scene to heather and how impactful was it to courtney. basically I just thought the idea of heather taking advantage of courtney when she was so volatile and emotionally clingy sounded evil and fun. i literally just didnt like that courtney got so into alejandro bc i hate that man so much so i swapped some things around and got hcag
sorry for being the ultimate tangent master im finally getting back to ppp heathney. anyways. Having been writing the sort of dynamic of heather and courtney being weird teammates that are only using eachother but also in it for their own emotional clingyness reminded me of my FAVORITE SHOW EEVRRR lps populaarr🙈🙈🙈🙈 and also aus of that show i love so i stole the concept. in my mind they became childhood besties for the resties until they got separated then hated eachother when they met up years later. With the way i was writing heather in hcag i was thinking soooo hard about how fucked up courtney couldve been if she had an influence like heather as a kid. this is also going back to my time in the amphibia fandom oops i hella stole everything for that fic and tweaked some things.
I dont think ppp is the heathney dynamic of all time because its literally shit i made up and stole and inserted into a really self indulgent fic, BUT it is a dynamic i love for them in the setting of the au its in. heather being so so so controlling to courtney as kids and courtney having no friends to base this behavior off of thinking its normal. aughh... they have opposite levels of social skills which makes their communication shit which entertains me. Heather knows what she wants from people and knows how to get it, and she doesnt notice (or care) how harmful she can be. Courtney doesnt know how to talk to people very well and has a very twisted grasp of what people think about her, in her eyes being the most well liked person on the planet and throwing a tissy fit every time thats challenged. im gonna say it 20 times but it just grasps me way too hard and it gets my brain thinking forever and ever about them. courtney as is very much a "i want what i want and ill get it" kind of person but in ppp heather is so good at manipulating her that the kinds of personality traits she shows in canon are very much suppressed (whether that was on accident or on purpose from heather is technically spoilers? for ppp i guess). theyre still there but hidden from years of being friends with heather as a child. LOL BASICALLY. i hope its obvious but despite their deep friendship as a child and how much love (and rose tinted glasses) they had for eachother and the past, that shit was NOT HEALTHY!!!! AT ALL!
so heather is really good at manipulating and courtney was the one that ended up on the brunt of it all. not surprising, we all know what heather is like, but COURTNEY.. ohh im so sorry about what i do to her im constantly fucking her up because i just love to see how she reacts to it. she is so reactive and emotional and i love it. i love seeing such an intelligent and confident woman be so weak to her own damn self UGH it kills me inside but i cant look away i need to mess her up constantly. Courtney in ppp has such an interesting perspective to write because i can insert some random ass idea into her head and play it off because she is emotionally STUPID! you can truly make her think anything thats at an extremely juvenile level of emotional awareness/understanding and you'll be able to play it off because she has way too much confidence in herself while knowing very little outside of academics and very clear-cut rule oriented things. the way it plays into her thoughts about heather too.. oohhhh. evil evil stuff.. she knows heather is considered a bad person and she also sees herself as being better than everyone in every way so she cant mentally stoop down to heathers level of brutality, meanwhile because of the way she sees herself shes constantly thinking bad of others and people see them very similarly. Courtney doesnt realize it but she is on a veryy similar playing field to heather in terms of how people see them. it would be gutting if she ever realized but her brain does Not let her see it that way. i just love courtney corruption arc ok orz. i need heather to play into it so damn bad. it grabs me so hard.
anyways this is quite messy and very spur of the moment but these are basically my thoughts on them. i want them to make eachother worse but in the most fucked up way imaginable. i want them to have the most deep and complicated history ever
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mauricemylittlemeowmeow · 7 months ago
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*coughs blood* thinking of convoluted regency romantic literature-esque a/b/o burda
thoughts too long so ill just keep it under a read more instead of the tags
initial thought was dankovsky fixing artemy's posture which led to daniil teaching him manners which led to "oh my god governess daniil"
but i have no idea in what world hed give up being a bachelor of medicine so ofc my first thought was structuralised sexism which my brain helpfully interpreted as hell yeah omegaverse babyy
so now i have daniil with a sexist military father who lowkey loathes that his son who was supposed to work his way to also become a general can't bc hes an omega and omegas cant be enlisted. daniil still wants to pursue his own goals but bc of structuralised sexism, all hes seen as is a homemaker and someone to give birth to children.
he gets a basic education ofc complimentary to his rather well off upbringing but instead of finding an alpha and settling down, he decides to strike his own path and a la jane eyre and ends up as a governess. for years hes used the salary hes earned to fund his own higher ed self-study. hes not a bachelor bc hes not allowed to be, but he works his way to have practically the same knowledge+skillset as one in his own time.
at present hes using his money to fund his own private research into thanatology. it's all done in secret ofc but he publishes some of his writing under a pen name (it's caused quite a stir in the medical field bc it's not published as a scholarly work--danko can't bc if he submits it for peer review, hed have to expose himself--but as very technical "fictional" work which upon testing, proves true results)
his current job eventually ends and he finds new employment under a well known doctor and minor rural noble: isidor burakh. he writes to danko asking for him to educate his son and heir. daniil accepts, hoping that hed be immersed in an environment that would allow him to stealthily learn more medical stuff to aid in his own pursuits. he also accepts expecting a young child to look after as usual.
imagine daniil's surprise when said son is a whole ass 25 year old man.
anyways turns out burakh (the younger) is a bit of a wild child who prefers being in the steppe+town rather than acting as a noble. isidor called daniil in as a last ditch effort bc he feels like hes abt to die soon and artemy rlly needs to learn how to commingle properly w noble society once he officially takes over the family title.
anyways thats the premise!!!! idk abt plot i just want silly etiquette lessons and bullheaded artemy+frustrated governess!daniil bonding. daniil trying to tame artemy but then getting dragged into having fun himself. artemy finding out abt daniil's real dreams and ambitious, passionate personality. him trying to help but daniil being stubbornly independent (he doesnt want to be another omega being saved by an alpha or whatever)
just good old jane austen/brontë sisters romance shit!!!! no plague :)
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quodekash · 2 years ago
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i went to bed instead of watching abaab and i woke up and im ✨sick✨
its not the plague but i have a sore throat and im really congested and i feel like a dump truck ran over me and poured all the bin juices in my brain, but its fine cos im here, im queer, and threezo are near
CONTENT WARNING: if youve seen this episode, youll be aware that there will be discussions of rape, sexual assault, and pedophilia. if any of these topics are triggering for you, please take the measures you require to stay safe, and please call emergency services if you require help, and talk to someone you trust. remember: you are not alone, and there will always be people who love and care for you, but you havent yet met some of them. stay safe everyone, i love you
i cannot for the life of me remember how the last episode ended so its lucky that they have little summaries at the starts of episodes cos otherwise id have no clue whats going on
OH YEAH THOOP WAS ARRESTED
hang on, dont they still need to go to work?
i cant remember what day it is and what they were doing before cher got that phone call but still
dang it ive already had a cup of tea today but i think i need another one
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THREEZO HELLO (ft jack's luscious hair on the side there)
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THREEZO ARE SO SWEET WHY ARE YOUR FACES LIKE THAT JACK AND TUB
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okay, yeah, fair
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HE IS HAPPY
HIS HAIR IS FLUFFY AND HE IS HAPPY
GREHJKDFGKJRB
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aww
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AWWWHHHH
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awhh thoop is cryinggg
bro is in desperate need of a hug
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IM GONNA CRYYYY
i love deep platonic bonds
especially when its found family
fnjgbhfbvhfb
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**gasp** despicable!
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HELLO THREEZOOOOO
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hes so prettyyyy
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and hes also so prettyyyyyy
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GJKRTBNFDHKJRG I LOVE THEM
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am i crying? yes.
im crying a lot
i love threezo so much
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the grip these two have on my mental health and sanity--
have i rewatched this scene four times? yeah. do i now kinda just wanna curl into a ball and sob for a day or two? yeah. unfortunately i have to keep watching the episode
okay so its literally like six hours later now, ive tried having two naps, ive had three cups of tea today, as much medicine as i can have, and the sickness has done nothing but get worse which is just so fun but the only reason i wasnt watching abaab is bc i was trying to sleep and that's just not happening so im continuing the episode now
the commentary is gonna be very little tho btw bc im having trouble making coherent thoughts through all the conjestion clogging my brain
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the way they smile at each other is so 🥺🥹
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im TRYING--
sorry, last week i couldnt stop talking about the freaking pomegranate i was eating, today i cant stop talking about how sick i am, ill try and shut up about it and just watch the episode lol
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SCREW THAT GUY
VAFFANCULO
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM SO MUCH
idk much about the mother
BUT THE STEPFATHER CAN GO SHOVE A PIGNA UP HIS CULO
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look, i hate cops and law enforcement
but i even more hate thoop's stepfather
and law enforcement, unfortunately, have a lot of power, but thats fortunate in this situation bc they can force him to shut up which is nice
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oh, wouldya look at that. i was right.
im not happy about it. its freaking horrible. and its even worse that it happens every day in every single country and state and city and suburb and yet nothing is being done about it.
um. yeah. thats all i can think of to say.
SHE HAD TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR THREE YEARS???
holy hell thats freaking disgusting
i hate this so much. not that they included this in the show, im really glad they included it because it's freaking disgusting and not talked about enough, especially in mainstream media and stuff. i just freaking hate that rape exists and people have to put up with it every single freaking day of their freaking lives, and NOTHING is happening to fix this freaking disgusting issue
this episode is a lot heavier than i was expecting and idk if anything im saying makes any sense because im too sick for this and the things that happened are making me even more sick
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HUZZAH, I WAS RIGHT
AND THIS TIME ITS A GOOD FEELING THAT IM RIGHT
HES NOT HOMOPHOBIC
HUZZAH, HUZZAH, PRAISE OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JACK'S ALMIGHTY FLUFFY BEAUTIFUL HAIR
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sobbing, i cant do this, theyre too sweet
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AH SHOOT, I JUST REALISED IVE BARELY DRANK ANY WATER TODAY
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as per usual, your hair is on fleek today, my friend
he's angry at laem, but his hair is perfection
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the perfect way to get someone to shut up: shove food in their mouth as fast as possible (im using this at some point) (also how the hell is his hair so pretty i love his hair too much. i think i always spend more time talking about jack's hair than i do talking about the actual episode)
gun's mother has such a sweet sounding voice but her words sting like poison, jeez
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OH HELL YES ITS THIS PART
IVE SEEN SCREENSHOTS
side note: look at three and zo's knees pressed together gjfngjbhfgbh
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HEYYY GUYS
ITS SO FUNNY
WHAT ARE THEY DOING WATCHING SIMM
wait so. bad buddy exists as a series inside the msp universe. simm exists as a series inside the abaab universe. what's next??
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the frame changed suddenly, kluen was looking down slightly earlier and now he's looking right in nuea's eyes (yes i had to include jack's hair in the screenshot, so what?)
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side note: i love all of jack's ear piercings (and his hair) so much
(ive now used all my 30 photos for this post so you just have to deal with that. on the bright side, the final photo was of jack's beautiful face and beautiful earrings and beautiful HAIR)
i love this friend group so much, theyre all just sitting in a circle in their gaming chairs supporting cher as much as possible in their own little ways and its so sweet and so happy and gfbhbrhgb
ignore your bfs phone calls only to show up at his house with food
AWWW, THE WAY HE JUST PULLS HIM INTO A WORRIED HUG AS SOON AS HIS HANDS ARE EMPTY- I LOVE THEMMMM
"promise me no matter what happens, we will fight it together" RGHBKRDFHGKRBDFHB
AWWWW TEHY KISSSSS
"(talking to himself) if your mum knows about this, she will hit you to death, cher" "know about what?" "she gave me only one heart and i gave it all to you" "youre as cheesy as i am" IM DYING WHAT THE HELL THEYRE SO SWEET
BRO CHILL
CALM DOWN
I DONT NEED TO SEE THIS
I MEAN LIKE GOOD FOR THEM
BUT WHY DO WE NEED SUCH A LONG SHOT OF GUN'S BARE ABS
theyre so soft with each other what the hell
"i just want to hear it from your mouth-" AND CHER CUTS HIM OFF WITH THE SOFTEST KISS EVER??? (well, not ever. no one can ever kiss as softly or lovingly as freaking akk, but that's neither here nor there) THAT ONE TINY MOMENT IS GONNA PLAY IN MY HEAD FOR AGES NOW OMG
keep the pants on please guys
oh thank goodness they finished the episode before it got to that, i appreciate that
anyway THAT WAS SO SWEET GBFHGBFHBHG
im desperately hoping that next episode will be mostly fluffy happiness bc i cant take much more of this seriousness, especially not if my sickness persists (which i really hope it doesnt, id love to be functioning this week)
um yeah. that was that. i hope you enjoyed that? sorry for all my ramblings about being sick, i just really hate being sick.
once again, i hope youre all safe and healthy, if you're not, i hope you can find a safe space and people you trust, please contact someone who can help you if you need it. i love you all, have a great week :]
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taegularities · 1 year ago
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Rid you're crazyyyyyyyyyyy
just finished cmi11 IM FUCKING CRYING holy shit that was so good oh god
first of all the conversation between oc and her mom made me cry so hard- it hit home for me, as a girlie with mommy issues, that part felt so real to me. Oc's courage to stand up for herself like that and tell her how much she hurt her own daughter is something i dont have in me. It broke my fucking heart, that yearning feeling, i cant believe you put that specific feeling into words rid [are u part of the mommy issues community as well🧐 or are u just that amazing, a true fucking artist (i saw that anon calling you the beyonce of ff and i agree 100%)] idk how to describe my feelings rn, that part definitely left a mark in my heart, ill never forget it
second the domesticity in these two dorks oh my goddddd they're driving me crazy, theyre so cute and in love and im in love with them and i want to cry bc i want what they have but bc irl men suck the hopeless romantic in me is gonna have to live through fanfics for the rest of my life and that makes me fucking miserable but bless the fanfic gods like you that keep my soul alive, idk what id do without you
lastly that scareeeeee oh god like i knew itd be a negative but it had my heart beating out of my ass (idk if thats a phrase) but the way they handled it oh god, the emotionsssssss the fears and insecurities, just reminded me that theyre human, even if theyre the most fucking adorable characters ever, theyre still human and i loved seeing such nuance. You really are doing an amazing job rid, not only writing the story, scenes and dialogue, but also the way you write these characters in such depth, its so fucking refreshing to see.
i want to kiss your beatiful head that holds your beautiful brain, seriously ive never ever been so enchanted by a piece of writing before (and i read so much fanfiction its like an addiction) you are by far my strongest fix. For real tho, your writing, and particularly cmi has touched me deeply and I'll never ever forget it. So thank you
Rest assured and stop doubting yourself bc youre seriously incredible and so fucking talented. Now rest up and take care of yourself, i imagine its not easy to birth such work (i mean 36k you monster, i loved every second of it but damn girl take a break before you burn your brain out) but no srsly i hope youre eating well, sleeping well and doing things that make you happy and relaxed. You deserve all the best of this world rid🫂🩷
sincerely ~ 🐼✒️anon
panda hi hello oh my gosh, sorry for being late, but you mentioned so many important things, so i wanted to take my time HELLO!! never stop sending these lovely af reviews 🥺
i know... she really is inspiring bc the courage to stand up against someone you feared for so long is admirable. i'm part of both the mommy and daddy issues community even though it's gotten a lot better lol like i wonder why it's such a recurring theme in my fics 🤣 i'm so sorry you could relate to oc :( but i'm glad you liked the scene so much.
and ahhh the domesticity 🤧 it's been so so fun and relaxing to write!! real life romance can be hard to find, yeah :') so i guess writing these scenes and chapters has been extra cathartic (although it drives me crazy, too — the next chapter has been making me so jejfhdjjsgd), but here's to finding a cmi jk irl soon :') much more to come!!!🕯️
the scare was one hell of a ride 🥺 i cried a lot!! and even i have been realising lately that i sometimes try to make my characters flawless, but that's actually not what i wanna go for. i always snap out of it and then try to make them flawed bc they're human, and i think the cmi couple, despite how endearing they are, is definitely vv flawed :') thank you for pointing that out 🥺
your strongest fix?? girl PLEASE ILL CRY 😭💔 i love you so much, you're so sweet for saying that and seeing me in such a way, pls i want you here forever <3 i rested a lot after cmi11! but ngl, cmi11.5 almost burned me out ksjdhehd gonna rest even more after that hehe. tyssssm, i hope you're well and healthy and i appreciate you so much for your kindness, reassurances and love for this series/me. love you so much 🤍
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