#and i need to post this b4 i forget AGAIN

[clamsjams]

hey guess what day it is i’m a clam of my word (im not late shut up)

context:

[wizardsix]

is it just me or is bioware spoiling way too much about the game . talking about gameplay improvements is one thing but revealing story and companion arcs seems very insecure to me bc now the mystery is gone when people play for the first time . seems like they're trying too hard to prove that their game isn't garbage after that first trailer but this is not how you do that

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[mari-appreciation-blog]

Spaceboy with mari one way or another totally not just because I wanna know how spaceboy looks in ur style

*: #30 request :*

Wowie! A month worth of requests! Also also…the ask box is up again! So don’t forget to go drop a request b4 it closes!

Oh wait I need to tell u this too. If you didn’t make it in time to req please let me know if you want to be tagged in the post for when the ask box is up again, smth like this!

*: It’s your chance! : @prestosdumbbro :*

[tales-from-sysblr]

So I was very new to systems like a month or two ago, and when I wanted to explore it I started to act like I was multiple people at the same time. And it helped me understand that it really did make sense for me to be more than just one personality

But my dad saw this and completely fake claimed EVERYTHING, and since I love my dad I just forced myself to believe him, but I swear ever since I found a simple We/us pronoun I felt comfortable about it, from every and any little simple system post and seeing other’s talk in different ways, I swear it felt just me, yk?

And worst of all, I can’t even get my own accurate diagnosis, despite me having so much of the symptoms, my dad and mom refuse to even acknowledge if I have autism, or any other disorder/disability like depression and anxiety, ptsd/c-ptsd and so on..

But after a month of punishment because I made “mistakes” I kept my distance from anything and everything thats system/DID related, which TORE at me mentally, and one day I just gave up

I said to myself why should I listen to what people think of what I do?? I’m sick of it, especially when it’s STARTING TO HELP ME! I get it if anyone hate people who self diagnose as DID and such, but I’ll never allow myself to be this shattered ever. again.

I found one of my old system friends b4 dad took away my internet and such, and I told it that I was questioning again and I wanted sources and such, in which it did give me everything I needed

And I told myself to read, and I pushed myself to understand, even if I’ll forget it all, I knew that this made sense, and if it did, it was right

It’s been around a week and I met two new sysmates, Odie and Lyric, and we all finally feel comfortable and happy together, yes we had rocky starts but in the end we told ourselves that this is how we work, how we cope and how we survive the life that’s being thrown at us

Oof I think this turned into a vent.. my bad, but I hope you understand what I meant, hopefully

I'm glad you're finding yourself anon. Good luck with everything, and I'm sorry you had to go through all that.

[k1rameki]

THE TIME HAS COME EVERYONE. ITS TIME TO TALK ABOUT MY EXTENSIVE LIST OF TABI HEADCANONS (hcs are under the cut plus this also counts as a little debrief of his human design bc jesus christ i put so much effort into making this man's design it went through a LOT of trial and error before settling on what i got now considering ive gradually made him less and less "human")

also quick thing b4 i proceed – please please PLEASE ask before making things w my tabi design bc ive seen a rlly cool papercraft made w/o my knowledge and that was kinda sucky so ya thats around it (other than the basics of no nsfw and such)

APPEARANCE HCS

first and foremost — hes half japanese because i remember his aside counterpart being japanese iirc and i thought that was really cool and wanted to implement that into my own little hc (also he speaks like a dozen languages bc of another thing i'll go into detail with in a bit

so many different facial features, scarring (theres a very elaborate reason for this tbh), moles, freckles, etc all bc why not?? (freckles is primarily bc of my bestie crow and now im obsessed)

lashes bc why not, give every man a pair of lashes i think theyre pretty

PIERCINGS. so many piercings. this is primarily because i am a very firm believer that tabi gets piercings done because he wants to feel human again so he finds comfort in decorating himself as much as possible for that reason and also the aesthetic

broken horn bc of the mod events, damage beyond repair and whatnot

HE HAS LONG HAIR BC I SAID SO ‼️‼️ i figured considering he's been invisible for so long he never really knew what to do when it came to cutting his hair, so eventually it grew out to around his waist, and he kept that hairstyle ever since (he prefers wearing his hair in a ponytail or smth bc sensory issues when it comes to hair touching his skin)

a lot of tater's hcs infected my brain hehehehehe especially the tail and his hands still being what they were when they were cursed (also. paw beans. /vpos)

HES TRANS ‼️‼️ hes also very dumb and has very little regard for his health and forgets to take his binder off a lot (trust me he gets scolded a lot for that)

GENERAL HCS

hes autistic and has adhd — the autism hc i lowkey stole from crow but the adhd hc ive had for a long long while now — one of his lifelong special interests is performing arts and musicals

chronic insomniac — sleep? never heard of her

plays like 5 different instruments but primarily specialises in piano and guitar

safe food is anything sweet or chocolatey — he has a massive sweet tooth and is obsessed w cookies and pastries in particular which ayana baked for him a lot (ill prolly make a whole other post for her in the near future but guys. pastry chef aya. hear me out)

an absolute boss at board games, especially monopoly, and he constantly loves screwing everyone over

extremely hyperfixated on pokemon and owns a bajillion folders filled with cards worth a buttload of money, and a dozen plushies + figurines (projecting bc pokemon is one of my hyperfixes dont judge me) his fav gen is absolutely johto

his eyesight is pretty bad but like. not bad enough for him to be needing glasses (unlike a certain someone cough cough agoti)

speaking of said certain someone, he and agoti do each other's hair a lot simply because its really fun and provides some stimulation, and also because it helps tabi practice with self care and such

VERY SENSITIVE TO SOUND AND TEXTURES, often times he will probably start crying if something sounds or feels wrong

sometimes he forgets certain words in english and has to resort to using what theyre called in russian

has the goofiest sounding laugh ever and i will die on this hill. when you get tabi cackling he will start rolling on the floor and making the most UNGODLY sounds

can speak like 6 languages fluently and a dozen others in simple conversation (NERD ALERT)

he sucks so hard at writing essays but is (for some reason) really good at maths

despite being the more serious one among his group of friends, tabis a dumbass and does a lot more stupid things than one would expect

[jjxkiaraxpopexcleoxjohnbxsarah]

What are your thoughts on Rudy’s girlfriend? I personally don’t like her and feel she’s the reason between his and Madison’s friendship ending . I just think she’s controlling and trying to make him be different . He’s not as fun loving as he once was at least to me .

ooh hard question anon.Tbh I have no idea what's going on and I have heard that Elaine has been racist and rude but I haven't actually seen anything cos like I have said b4 I don't rlly follow the cast's on everything. And so I rlly don't know if it's true.I think that Rudy and Madison's friendship is between them and them only. It is a private relationship and I personally believe that fans shouldn't be trying to find everything out. One thing that many ppl forget is that at the end of the day, celebrities are also humans and need privacy. As for Elaine, I rlly don't mind her cos I don't know much abt her. She seems nice and her relationship with Rudy doesn't seem toxic to me. I disagree with ur opinion that she's trying to make Rudy be different. People change and that's completely okay. If there is direct toxicity in their relationship I'm sure Rudy's family or friends will acknowledge it and help him out. Again this is a relationship and it is meant for only the two people in it. We shouldn't be pondering about how their relationship is going. Also every relationship has ups and downs.Anon I hope I don't come along as rude but I rlly think you and so many others have to stop breaking into celebrities lives.It isn't right.

One more thing, my blog is about the fictional characters in OBX. I have dedicated my blog to the fictional side of things and yes I may have posted here and now stuff about the cast. Like phot0s of Rudy+Drew's cute friendship but I do not go ponder about what is going on in their lives every minute(not that ur doing that but). I may look at their instagram stories when they post something but that's where I cross the line.I don't send hate msgs to Madison or Elaine. I don't have convos with others about the casts relationships and I don't blame any of the cast or the cast's friends/families for anything.It's not my place to do so. I am not there to actually see what's going on and I'm not related to them in any way.

I like to keep myself away from all of this cos it just ruins the magical feeling you get when you watch something you rlly love and instead of just enjoying ur gonna be analysing the actors every moves and I don't want that. Anon I hope ur satisfied with my answer💗

PS: No one come at me pls

[rubynationwins]

Touch Me

Random late night drabble (Just a lot of angst oops):

It’s hard.

To want so badly to reach out and touch someone who’s only inches away. To wrap them up in your arms and vice versa without being able to. It’s hard to want him to touch you. To hold you.

You don’t know when it started, but you couldn’t stop the desire for him to envelop you in his strong arms like they’re a safe haven from the shittyness of the world. All you could do was crave his embrace and avoid his gaze lest it gave away your desires.

It felt wrong, to crave what didn’t belong to you. You knew there was no way he ever would, he wasn’t interested in that type of intimacy with anyone, and certainly not with you of all people.

You could just imagine his shocked reaction if you were to come up behind him and hug him to you, he’d probably jump away and never look at you again. But it’s all you can think about; his touch, his warmth, his embrace. You’d gotten a hint of it months ago, when he’d been so tired from his sleepless terror filled nights that he pulled you into his arms and kept you there all night. You’d just been sitting beside him on the couch in your room talking about nothing when he’d rested his head on your shoulder, his metal arm wrapped around your soft middle and pulled you into him. He’d nuzzled into your neck, inhaling your scent, and the next thing you knew, he was sound asleep with you in his arms. You were shocked but didn’t do anything. It felt nice, to bask in his sweet embrace.

Maybe that was when this overwhelming need for his touch took over. You didn’t know what to do so you drew back instead, thinking it was the best way to respect his supposed boundaries and keep yourself from pouncing on him.

But it was so hard to avoid his touch. The fleeting grazes of your hands when in close proximity and the hand to hand combat training in the gym set your neurons aflame. If anything, they worsened your longing for the actual pressure of his body against yours.

All you could do though was keep moving forward, try to forget the heat of his fingers on your wrist or his thighs on either side of your hips when he pinned you in a match. You couldn’t help the shiver that ran down your spine at that last memory.

No.

You would stay strong, you didn’t need anyone, let alone the simple presence of a certain super soldier. Your couldn’t rely on people, they left you, the disappointed you, they betrayed you. If he did any of those you’d crumble into a thousand touch starved pieces. So that’s why you couldn’t be near him, no matter how much you wanted to leap into his arms. Sometimes, when you caught his eyes on you when you weren’t paying attention you got some hope. But your realistic self stomped it out. You can’t rely on anyone besides yourself. You couldn’t expect him to reciprocate any of your desires, so you didn’t.

So you’d stay that way. Wrestling with an embrace that would never come. That’s just the way it had to be.

A/N: I wrote this all in 1 sitting & am posting it w/o any editing. Don’t expect a part 2 bc there almost definitely won’t be one (sry?) I just wanted to drop some random angst b4 going to bed😋 so goodnight!

[starjxsung]

hi angel <3 how are you doing? when are you seeing ateez? i’m so excited for you :’)

i still haven’t heard anything back from my practicum so im stressin (: but trying not to die of anxiety bc idgaf if i keep studying in this uni tbh but we persist. i’m so ready for lolla and forgetting my problems for a sec.

thank you for sending love☹️ she passed away post op because she was too weak, it breaks my heart so much </3 they did do the bloodwork beforehand but it wasn’t included in the receipt bc i got all karen when they called us. the vet was still kinda sketchy and def isn’t really good at talking with ppl. but they were nice enough. i just wish they would’ve communicated the risks a little better </3 but im just glad she isn’t in pain anymore.

i don’t have a record player that works either lol. i just love vinyls bc they’re so pretty. i really really want indigo but everywhere ive seen it it’s so expensive😭 i had never seen any shinee ones so now i need one too😭😭 mine is so pretty tho! i don’t have pics of the disc in itself but it’s white and so cool. but i do have my pulls✨ the poster is huge and so cool too. it’s on sale @ amazon super cheap.

manifesting hello kitty woo & hongjoong forever✨ i love you sm bb! i hope everything is going well! and just in case you see ateez b4 you see this message, i hope you have the best time!! yeosan pics are always welcome and appreciated✨

(also how are u feeling after seeing jisung’s fits this weekend? he looked so good😭)

love,

🐈‍⬛

BAEEEEEEE I see Ateez today I’m so excited !! 👼🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 Hongjoong my rockstar bf (Hanji is my other one) it’s been over a year since I’ve been to a proper kpop concert that wasn’t a festival or solo show I am so fucking hyped RAHHHHH I promise to get as many Yeosang pics as physically possible 🙂‍↕️

I’m so sorry you haven’t heard from your practicum site yet :((( I can’t believe these places are able to get away with being this disorganized. My sister hasn’t heard from hers either and they still haven’t sent her new laptop she’s supposed to use in her first training next week so she’s also trying not to stress bc there’s literally nothing she can do ☹️ fuckkkkk these places for wasting time the way that they do

I’m so sorry to hear that she passed :((( I’m glad she’s not in pain anymore but I still can’t help but feel like it was partially their fault this happened in the first place :( how is your boyfriend coping with all of it? Sending you guys all my love and healing vibes and I hope your kitties are comforting you guys during this tough time :( it’s just been such a rough month.

AAAAA in better news the Ateez vinyl is SO cute?????? Neeeeeed 😭🫶 indigo was super expensive (I think like $60-70) but I saw it randomly in stock at target and I couldn’t resist 😭 my dad has a working record player I might just steal from him bc I don’t feel like shelling the money out for another but I want to play my vinyl at some point. Ohhh to have parents you can steal from 🫶😋

I love you so so much bby I can’t wait to tell you all about both my Ateez shows !!!!

Also Jisung’s outfits this weekend……. 😦 my sister said if she had one wish in the world it’d be to never hear my horny thoughts about Jisung ever again. And I think that perfectly describes how bad I was thirsting over him all week. I hate children but I would bear a whole CHILD for this man……. 🧎‍♀️‍➡️

ALSO DID YOU HEAR ABOUT TAEMIN TOUR….. genuinely tweaking rn. I can’t ❤️🧍‍♀️

[kpopandmusicpassion]

"I'm a fan favorite"

"Thrownin' shade"

"I see it in their face I see it in their eyes they about to tell a lie"

-Lucas Renegade

Let's start with "I'm a fan favorite". Absolutely. (I actually watched Dip It Low B4 Renegade. Hearing him say baby girl 😭it's cute and sexy. Lucas Wong will be the reason I die one day. He's gonna kill me next comeback. There will be another comeback. Seeing people still "thrownin' shade" and telling lies pisses me off like no tomorrow I don't want these a**holes to f*** it up for him again. After seeing a YouTube video called "Does NCT'S Lucas Deserve Redemption?" I'm super PISSED 😡. THERE IS NOTHING FOR HIM TO F***ING REDEEM! They even said the account that spread that shit about him was just a shit post account the lady was paid to say that shit and even those others including the "ex-boyfriend" ADMITTED it was all f***ING LIES. LEAVE LUCAS THE F*** ALONE PEOPLE!!!!😡😡😡😡)

And he's not wrong people still "thrownin' shade" and it's about time these people get a life. They must really LOVE Lucas since they're so obsessed with him like they are.🤣 (I can still be pissed and I just hope this pisses them off more. But you have to admit them actually Loving him is very likely other wise they wouldn't keep spewing shit about him.)

And people really do need to start thinking before talking shit. How would they like it if they were in that position? I'm sure of the reporters from those news outlets are more likely to have life ruining secrets than Lucas. And as much as absolutely ADORE Lucas as long as he updates to let me know he's okay and he's in the right mindset as well as healthy and not overworked so I can see more AMAZING mvs and music from him I'll leave. You know that song "It feels like somebody's watching me?" We really need to stop with mindset "I need to know ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING about him/them/her" it's creepy and uncomfortable for them. (Just so you are aware the stories I write have nothing to do with the actual people cause when I write them they are characters as far as I'm concerned they are basically face claims.)

If you follow me and don't like Lucas as I ask is you don't make rumors and try to make life harder for him. This is specifically for those who voted Lucas out of NCT based off false unproven accusations. I thought about the gaslighting thing and knew he wouldn't do that. I do think though that it's possible to unknowingly gaslight someone. Maybe it's not their intention to gaslight someone they don't even realize that they are doing it. Or some people may think someone is gaslighting them when they genuinely forgot about something. Some people have the memory of a goldfish. Sometimes things happen and they get so busy they forget. Anyway I'm so happy Lucas is back!!!!🥹😍

Listen to Dip It Low and Renegade if you haven't yet and if you have replay!

Bye

[koko-beanie]

i had a weird dream i just need somewhere to put it b4 i forget. tw/ blood and nightmare things

tldr: cute game becomes fucked up for an eldritch horror. i was playing as said horror, much ????? and murder.

im in a small cute game. its like a very cozy town with a post office, multistoried houses, a park, etc. it was very cutesy indie game looking place. i think theres a cliff to the ocean or some lake. a body of water is near but i dont remember if it was relevant. it was mostly 3rd person pov, but inside certain places, my view would be top down.

im this girl (?) and i have objectives to find certain things. a heart locket, a knife, the base, a flower, the numbers of a code, an axe, and so on. there was a list by where i started, and updates when i collected something. to unlock more i had to do small little quests around the town.

inside one of the buildings was an inn with a cafeteria on the 2nd floor. i remember picking up and putting plates back into the return trays. not many other people were there. i got something in return but i dont remember. it was one of the items.

not every quest i remember, but each got progressively weirder and fucked up. i went to this table of 3 men playing cards. their hands stayed the same as they talked, seeming like they were good friends. a set of 7 cards in a hand, with some flipped to show the blue backing. they said if i wanted to play, i needed cards. my character went to a drawer nearby some beds in another room and found a hand. only a pair shown in the item screen, not that i really cared on how their game was. upon showing the men the hand each had something to say, mostly to say oh its only a pair. one stood up and thanked me for something. next thing i knew he and i were alone, and he was grabbing a chainsaw and gave me a soft smile before telling me to leave. out the windows and onto the roof i went and left. screams were loud. i dont know why he did it or why he changed, my character didnt emote to anything.

another scene was delivering some letters. heart closing the flap of the envelope, it spun around like a video game item. the post office was an open window kiosk, a ladder up top the frame. two people were behind the kiosk but their faces were nondescript. i dont remember much outside what happens last.

not much else i remember outside the last of the list being completed. i had witnessed, influenced, and directly had a hand in the deaths of many people, chased down by invisible forces with knives, axes, and the police, and set this town into a paranoid mess. my character was also becoming more monsterous as items from the list were collected. slowly becoming more quadrepedal, black fur on arms, long claws. though now at this point it was full 1st person pov. i retained human when going inside, but running away and rooftop chases i was galloping on all 4s.

adrenaline feuled some item collecting. i had to grab one item from a time limit and a beam of wood crashed down on a person. another had a spiked filled trap that was disarmed by inputting a code on the floor panels. one was misdirecting a flying knife or axe by chasing me inside a liminal space looking inn hotel, and it stabbing another person as a way to end the chase. neighbors didnt look right.

after collecting most things, my character was able to ascend into their true form. which either was a massive sunfish looking creature but instead made from giant heart pendantsnfor flippers. a fpower stem was growing out the base of the back of their neck. i dont remember much at thsi point. other than restarting because i mkssed a set of items on the first playthrough. interesting was that some of the deeds i did still stood. certain characters werent there, shortcuts that broke could not be used etc. at the end

m fallign asleep again wriying thisnhrisbjfhdi

the thing ends with chaos and me unleasign horrors onto the place, but it set off my anxiety throughout the whole thing into waking myself at 6am upgohsjfbsjvdjsvdjd

[tha-barnyard-buds]

OKOK I NEED TO MAKE THIS POST B4 I FORGET-

Basically I had a dream last night where I moved into an old, decrepit apartments, and I found a small, brown, rolly-polly, sad-looking 2-month-old puppy in a capture cage. I decided he was my son, but my mother forced me to take him to the animal shelter. THEN, I had to fight the shelter in a court case for custody of my son (the puppy) I also named the puppy Bozo. I ended up waking up before I won the court case, and for some reason my brain decided that I lost, so I cried in my bed for ten minutes because I might never see my son again.

[drawnaghht]

Gotta post about this b4 I forget about it but basically;

went on TVtropes yesterday, found the SRTUC page again, started adding to trivia and though, hmm, I've been getting "earlier anthro action cartoon" vibes from this show for a while now.... wonder why that is?

and guys, adding some of the art peeps there no the TVtropes trivia, I noticed that supervising producer ben jones actually worked on SWAT KATS as a character designer for 3 eps! what a connection to make!

my brain at that moment:

edit 1(27.06.2023) - ok, turns out I just mixed the actual show up with this show.... but it's sorta nice for me bc I like reminiscing about Swat Kats haha xD

on with the old post!!

actually, swat kats is a cartoon I was obsessed with for a while as a kid after we got access to cartoon network and they started airing it here. i think it'd seen a dubbed version of it before but it was exciting to see the english original, . it was fun and rompy as I remember, but also I loved the music and action elements after bikermice ended and I missed it so much, seeing something with similar musical cues felt like a consolation almost, like "oh there's more cartoons like this". now admittedly, i don't really remember that much abt swat kats anymore. it aired alongside other H-B cartoons and there was a lot to watch and pay attention to, so i kinda haven't retained more of it than memories of memories of loving the intro, memorizing the music and feeling cool while watching it. I remember the shift to more "serious" storytelilng (if I remember it right at all lol) and both feeling a bit critical/apprehensive at Callie (bc I'd thought, "why is she the only one who gets a more human-like appearance) and loving her design/fawning over her ("oh no, girl hot") but also it was just interesting to see a girl character given a mayoral role which made her seem more important than I'd seen from other action cartoons directed at boys so far.

like, i need to rewatch this series now that I've seen the cast/crew list, and just see also what it was about this show that I loved so much it left some kind of artistic impression on me.

lol idk what other connection with SRTUC it has, but when I'd read that Ben Jones was on it, I suddenly also thought, "well, not it makes sense why the antrho designs in samurai rabbit actually makes sense" There are so many shows, comics and so on before which have made different kinds of attempts at anthro/furry designs, and they all might make sense within the context of their show/media piece, but what I liked about Samurai Rabbit was how it didn't "humanize" the animal designs *too much*. Resulting in awkward designs where women look much more human than their male counterparts. which might not bother a kid much, but will bother an artist like me concerned with consistency lol. like in the og usagi yojimbo it makes sense how the animals look a little more human depending on their role or function in the story/scene, Stan Sakai is very good at making his cartoony style work with these ideas of "basically human, but represented by animals" but also literally animals. And I like that the show takes this same idea and runs with it in it's own way.

All this to say - Experience builds on experience.

so Ben Jones and many other veteran animators/artists/writers in the field working on it, but also the numerous visdev artists, animators and other visual folk with similar vested interest in a UY adaptation, give this show such an unique flair among other furry/anthro shows.

sdfsdf ill continue writing this later, I am soooo exhausted after work today, but, this was cool to think abt yesterday and ive been mullting it over in my head during quiet hours. so cool to have a brain that keeps noticing all these names and all these similar things and then running with it. like the animated things you like are so connected thru their staff knowing each other or having worked on same/similar things before, you wouldn't believe it if you didn't see it all the time.

[minasweep]

[curiouskurona]

Regarding your last post, who would you say IS the type to ghost? V.S who wouldn't?

DJKXJQKFLVLA okay so . bear with me here

riddle : would never ghost ( unless there was som kind of rule abt it ?? doubtful tho lol ) . is straightforward n 2 tha point , also isnt afraid 2 call ppl out so he wont feel tha need to ghost instead of telling u whats up

cater : oh man . maybe ?? honestly i dont hav a great grasp on his character ( @ twst give us moar cater content plz ) but i can see him both ghosting and being ghosted w equal frequency

trey : yes . 100% yes sorry . i feel liek i dont even need 2 explain this one but * looks at how he just let riddle do whatever he wanted instead of confronting him for years * . no trey slander but also kind of a lil trey slander ( I DONT HATE HIM THO LOL JCKAJLFLGLA )

ace : oh 100% he would . hes not a serial ghoster but he has and he will again . not bc hes adverse to confrontation , hes just kind of inconsiderate / he can b oblivious to other ppls feelings ( NO ACE HATE IM AN ACE APLOGIST HES FUNNIE )

deuce : no . he wants to , but no . he would definitely force himself to communicate and either air his grievances or tell them hes not interested in talking anymoar . hes trying to better himself . what would an honorable honor student do ,, not ghost ppl thts for sure

leona : yes 100% absolutely but only bc hes so lazy / he sleeps all day . he cant be bothered to spend any moar energy on a conversation that bores / annoys him . unless ur a girl / woman . and i dont mean that in a womanizer way i mean that in a leona chugs respect women juice all day long way . so hed maek ruggie type out what he wants to say n then go back 2 bed

ruggie : yes but only bc hes so busy taeking care of leona that he probs forgot / doesnt hav tiem 2 respond . actually he might ghost genuinely but only if ur liek . maeking him uncomfortable

jack : NO it wouldnt be right !! he respects ppl too much to leave them hanging liek that , it would be rude . and even if he doesnt liek / respect you , its tha principle of tha matter . why would he stoop so low as to be petty n passive agressive by not responding , he'll just tell you straight out if hes got a problem

azul : hm . this one is a hard one ngl ? i think no bc who is he to burn bridges , yanno ? he lieks having connections n shite im sure . but also i can see him being our smug lil capitalist liek " hi sorry i cant hear u i was too busy counting my money " also hes probably a lil lonley tho so . why would he ghost you unless u were being rlly mean or smth

floyd : yes bc he thinks its funnie / he wants 2 get a reaction outta you fjkvHAKFLVLLVLA . he regularly leaves riddle on read so he can provoke riddle into stompin over to yell at him , actually . and if u nevr respond / give him a reaction he'll probably end up forgetting to respond anyways ( unless he lieks you / is on an up moodswing )

jade : hm . no , because he really enjoys playing out that whole sebastian michealis thing . oh hes too much of a gentleman for that , you know ,, stares @ u liek this ^___^

kalim : NO NO WAY he loves to talk he loves to maek friends !! well actually he might ghost accidentally if he forgets but hes SUPER apologetic about it ówò he will send flowers n jewelry n stuff to maek up for it

jamil : yes 100% . again not a serial ghoster but can and will if he doesnt liek you . he will pretend he is too busy to respond but rlly he is looking @ u liek this -_-

vil : yes , he would . hes a very busy boy , but also hes not above ghosting ppl if he feels liek he doesnt want to waste his precious tiem talking to potatoes who dont event get what hes trying to say . actually i taek that back he would purrobably tell you the above b4 he stops responding . he would also ghost tho

rook : you wish

epel : no , as i stated in my last post . he just isnt tha type . he'll say what needs 2 be said , just ignoring his problems until they go away isnt his style , he aint gonna wuss out n he aint gonna beat around tha bush . he grew up with a ton of old folks , he probably doesnt get or have an interest in highschool drama , just communicate w him damnit

idia : yes are you fucking kidding me

ortho : this is a child . a kind of lonely child . he should be playing neopets idk how to answer this question . no ?? maybe ?? hes normal ig

malleus : yes absolutely but only bc his concept of tiem is wack and he genuinely wont realize its been ages since he responded . is devastated wen he finds out

lilia : no not really . hes pretty witty and finds most things amusing , i figure he can always respond to whatever you throw at him and he wont really feel tha need 2 ghost . if u maek him mad he might threaten you or smth n stop responding but nah he wont rlly ghost

silver : another obvious yes , bc he WILL fall asleep . constantly leaving you on read but isnt tha type to long term ghost / cut contact , unless he liek . keeps putting it [ responding ] off and always falls asleep b4 he can . next tiem for sure tho ,, right ?

sebek : are you malleus ? no ? blocked . JDKLVLSLLFLVLA okay but srsly tho . probably yes unless ur a classmate n yall r askin abt tha homework n stuff . hes not really interested in being social outside of diasomnia as far as i can tell , but what do i know , i havent rlly gotten into his character much

[kwritingbooks]

Prompts You Can Request HERE

(Harry Styles edition)

* marks that it has been requested and in the process of being made

Fluff

A1: “Let me wash your hair for you, okay?”

A2: “Let’s just stay in bed.” *

A3: “Do you want to watch the stars?”

A4: “Catch me if you can!”

A5: “I guess we’re stuck here until morning.”

A6: “Rain is the perfect lullaby.”

A7: “And now we’re out of power. Where do you keep the candles again?” *

A8: “Is that a drawing of me?”

A9: “You are the peace I crave in this chaotic world.”

A10: “I need you, you idiot.”

A11: “You still live in the silences between my thoughts.”

A12: “You think the universe fights for souls to be together?”

A13: “Can I stay here tonight?”

Angst

B1: “When was the last time you slept?”

B2: “Please don’t leave me.” *

B3: “Why can’t you just love me back?”

B4: “I can’t keep kissing strangers pretending they’re you.” *

B5: “So that’s it? It’s over just like that?”

B6: “I think we need some time apart.”

B7: “When was the last time you meant it?” *

B8: “Stop looking at me like you still care about me!”

B9: “It should have been you all along.”

B10: “We won’t forget about each other, right?” *

B11: “I warned you how this would end.”

B12: “You always pushed people away. I just never thought you’d do it to me, too.”

B13: “It wasn’t supposed to end like this.”

B14: “Why does it feel like this is goodbye?”

B15: “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to see me.”

B16: “I’m tired of being tired.”

B17: “But friends don’t look at each other like we do.”

B18: “Why are you scared of loving?”

B19: “In my dreams we’re still together.”

General scenarios

C1: in a beach town

C2: met in a psychiatric hospital

C3: photographer photographs new model

C4: stuck on a hiking trip together

C5: coffee house regulars

C6: tinder date turns into quarantine date

C7: run away from a religious cult

C8: ghost hunting; one believes and the other doesn’t

C9: walking the other home late at night

C10: it’s the 90’s and they’re renting a blockbuster movie

C11: realizing they’re in love with their childhood best friend*

C12: met on a carnival ride

C13: watching them come out of their depression and smile again

EDIT: if you have a specific face claim/physical qualities you want the character to have, please specify in the request! {this also goes for pronouns}

requests already filled will be linked with the post <3