#and i keep trying to get my meds but i dont understand how to anymore

[909414208]

unmedicated adhd i want to get off this ride

[cy-cyborg]

I assume this is an autism thing, but why is it so hard for people to understand pain is not the biggest problem for me when medical issues come up, sensation and sensory overwhelm is.

Possibly tmi but im at the point where i dont really care anymore lol, right now I'm dealing with a really bad, chronic uti that just will not go away, no matter what anyone does, and this thing has been making my life a living hell for the last month or so. It's not painful, or well, it is, but that's not the most unpleasant effect I need help with. It's the sensations it brings. The tactile sensation of being incontinent, of feeling like I'm busting 24/7 - so much so it's stopping me from being able to sleep most nights - the fact that both these things are so ever-present that I can't concentrate on anything else. I can't do the things I enjoy like writing and drawing because my brain can not filter it out enough to focus, and it's my body, so I can't escape it like I could with an unpleasant sound or smell.

But everyone I've spoken to about it is under the impression that the pain is what needs managing, the pain is whats causing me to be so upset and not be able to concentrate or sleep, even when i say, point-blank, thats not the case. My doctor, the emergency staff who first diagnosed it (i was instructed to go there due to concerns about my kidneys), my mum and dad, my sister, even my partner, initially, though he understands now. But I've told every single one of these people that it's not pain, it's the sensory overload thats causing the problems, and they just... don't get it. Ive tried being as blunt as I can (and considering i have no energy to mask, ive been very blunt), and it just, doesn't seem to compute with anyone. My doctor is trying to help, but his only solution is pain meds until the antibiotics runs their course, which don't help because it's not pain (and yes, i tried it anyway). The emergency doctors did the same. My mum and dad keep suggesting pain management skills they were taught when I was a kid, mum is also suggesting things that make things like the burning part of UTIs less painful, my sister doesn't really have any advice but she keeps asking me about my pain too when she checks in. I appreciate the attempts and all

But it's not pain.

The only one who did get it right away was my psychologist, but she's not the kind of doctor that can really help with this, outside of giving me suggestions for coping mechanisms and how to redirect stimming/meltdowns to be less destructive or harmful. Which is great and I did need that, but I'd really like to not be having the meltdowns in the first place.

This isn't the first time this has been an issue either, but it has been the worst/longest time. I just don't know how to get it across to people that the pain is not my main problem. I know how to manage pain and make it less intense/more bearable (my whole lower body is covered in skin grafts and I've had several amputations, I have a lot of experience with it), but just because it's not pain doesn't mean its not debilitating and seriously impacting my quality of life. And because it just won't go away (i highly suspect it has become antibiotic resistant), I have no idea when this will all end, which makes it all the more worse.

[tea-and-secrets]

would it be ok to ask that this one is posted soon? i could use reassurance about it if thats alright? things are just... really hard.

im trying to come to terms with the fact that im going to be disabled for the rest of my life. i accept that im disabled *now,* but i have a degenerative disease, its not going to just stop being there. its going to keep getting worse slowly over time.

its especially hard because... even now i cant do my favorite hobby, rockhounding, because i cant bend without risking falling, i cant get on the ground to pick things up and/or dig because i wouldnt be able to get up on my own, and i cant navigate most off-road areas where the rocks im interested in are most often found.

i also desperately want to be a geologist. but i wanted more than anything to be doing fieldwork, like going out and taking samples from various areas, making maps of what could be found where based on my samples... that sort of thing. but ill never be able to do it and i have to come to terms with that.

it will get bad enough that i will need a wheelchair at some point in my life too. like, at some point within the next five to ten years.

ill also never be able to pick people up again. my whole life ive prided myself in picking people i love up during hugs, spinning them around, that sort of thing. i especially loved picking up my best friend.

they understand that i cant do that anymore and theyve never expressed sadness over it, but i cant help but think about how delighted theyve always been about me picking them up and spinning or wiggling them during hugs, and how they used to ask multiple times each hangout to be picked up and hugged.

and even if they arent upset about it, *i* am. i want to be able to do what i used to be able to. but i cant. and i never will again.

its just hard, knowing ill never be able to reach my dream career, continue my favorite outdoor hobby, continue giving love to my friends in the ways i like to... theres so much i can no longer do, and so much ill never be able to do again.

its just really hard. i dont want to be this way. but i am and i always will be, and it will get worse even if i do things like meds and physical therapy. those would just delay the collapse of my disease.

im just sad. i dont want to have to come to terms with it. but i have to or else im setting myself up for even more grief.

and its all because my mom wouldnt get me treated when i was injured in my teenage years. that injury going untreated for so long is what caused my degenerative disease to start so early. my mom has it too but she didnt start developing it until her fourties.

and then for years after my injury when talking about my back pain she just kept saying it was because im fat and that it would stop hurting if i lost weight.

which of course sparked the eating disorder i had previously recovered from.

which ive been struggling with now again for years because of that. but i was getting better again.

until now. because my body hurts too bad to get out of bed often enough to eat a healthy amount so im rapidly losing weight and my brain is saying i have to keep going and going.

and, the wheelchair thing... all my friends live and are going to live places with a lot of stairs. and *i* live somewhere with a lot of stairs too. and the doorframes in all these places arent wide enough for a wheelchair, nor are the bathrooms large enough.

its just all so hard to think about. i hate it. i want to get better and heal like a normal person would, not be in pain constantly and get worse like my body is going to.

thank you for listening. sorry for how long this is.

if i could get reassurance in tags or replies that would be really nice. this is all just so hard and i only have a few people i can confide in about it.

<3

[n7punk]

i know i've kind of talked around this stuff for... fuck, three years now? but idk, now it's getting closer to "resolving," i kind of want to talk about it. journal, get it off my chest, idk

i haven't really been specific about my health issues much because 1) privacy and 2) very complicated feelings on it, but feelings are becoming less complicated, so... yeah. privacy is still really important to me, but i have too many feelings about this to keep feeling like i'm silencing myself for some hypothetical... i dont even know what

tbf, if it had turned out to be anything else, i probably wouldn't be comfortable even making a vent post about it now. but it turned out to be. annoyingly simple. i've also got other stuff, physical disabilities and such i've been more candid about but still want to keep the specifics of private, but this is... very different.

long story short, during the pandemic i started experiencing Symptoms. i'm honestly not sure if/how much i have talked about what was wrong with me, because i don't remember... entire years, much at all. i know ive described it as my brain being on fire, but it's more like it instantly melted down and i was left with the aftermath for hours/days/weeks at a time. it really fucked with me emotionally to be fighting through that on top of the direct effects of the Symptoms. and, well, the problem was my brain (probably) so that tracks.

it turns out it was migraines. migraines that shared many symptoms with seizures, brain tumors, or pressure on the brain stem, but yeah. "just" "migraines." and, actually, we don't know that! but migraine medication is helping, so it's probably that and this is where i am, finally waking up these last few months (this summer of updates could Not have happened if it weren't for my new medication) and feeling both very frustrated with what i lost and relieved to not always have to deal with suddenly being unable to understand a sentence anymore.

it's not like. fixed. my brain is still going to burn sometimes. It seems to come in waves, like two bad weeks and then two good ones. we're not done trying to treat it now we know some stuff it's responsive to, but its not like it used to be, wildfires raging all day and my head wavering on my shoulders as i struggled just to read messages from my friends. i literally had an emote i would use to communicate when i couldn't communicate that everybody who knows me understands. i haven't even twitched since starting my new meds! well, like, uncontrollably. trust me, that's progress. i literally had to get a bigger bed so i could be safe in the middle of it when the fits were especially bad and i got twitchy.

uh so that was more story than i planned. really i just wanted to finally talk about what i've been experiencing (at least for the first time that i remember). honestly writing was the only thing that kept me sane while i was trapped inside my own malfunctioning brain. i don't know why it was one of the easiest things for me, when i couldn't even understand a full two sentences being said to me i could still - usually - write (again: i literally couldn't talk for like three of the days when i was writing and updating catcher daily), but i'm so grateful for it. and everybody who told me my stories helped you, or that you looked forward to them, or even just that you enjoyed them: you helped me right back, because you told me there was one thing i could still do, from a capability standpoint to having the ability to make any impact on the world when i was trapped at home. so thank you.

okay i'm done now. just. had to get that out

[hekkoto]

Nature is masterpiece in every bit of it <3 Ye, the other side of my arts – photos of flowers >XD there is nothing in between ;D I feel like I start better understanding myself. And more important, I accept that who I am is normal and I shouldnt try to fit in at any cost. I might be different but that isnt wrong, I will just have different life than majority of people. Its good that I found people who wanna keep me company on that path. My poor health and disability doesnt mean I must suffer my whole lifetime. I will have more limitations but I can work around it :> btw, I didnt knew that half of my personality are autistic traits >XD thats one of things I wanna get diagnosed cause Im sure I have it ;p good side of being diagnosed is that you know what you should accept, how to overcome some things and sometimes you might need meds or therapy Its funny to see how unrealistic expectations people had for me, no surprise that I wasnt able to met them as my disability or bad health were never treated seriously >XD bruh, I would never be good enough cause nobody cared about how I felt and if Im able to do it. If I would have needed help and if people would show me empathy stuff could go sooo different. But that doesnt matter, maybe my childhood was Hell at least now I can do things to make things better ^^ Im quite tired of pretending my whole life. Now when I think about it only next to few people Im able to be myself instead being actress in this depressing movie called my life >XD like most of people get this version of me that trying to be strong and happy and look almost perfect when it comes to how I behave and talk with them. But in reality Im different, I have a lot of pain inside me and I dont allow people to see my true face anymore ;-; Im slowly working on stuff ^^ I need few doctors appointments, there are small meet ups in Warsaw on Friday and Saturday but I hope to spam you with art soon ;p wanna support my evil dark empire? Im accepting souls on Patreon and Ko-fi! -> Hekkoto Huge thanks to all of my Patrons and people who donate <3

[causenessus]

HI NESS!! its like 3 pm rn so good afternoon 😋 i hope you're having/had(? idk when ur school day ends so like..) a good school dayyayay :)) HOPEFULLY YOUVE BEEN DRINKING WATER and ofc eating enough + taking ur meds 🙂‍↕️

when u mentioned some npc named cream cheese i started laughing like an idiot omg 💔 like picture me sitting in the living room next to my roommate bc we're watching a tv show and then i look down at my phone and start giggling out of nowhere.. cream cheese sounded like a real opp 😕🙏 i was the same but with mariokart bc rose gold peach was always hitting me w red shells fr LIKE I CRIED OVER THAT A LOT ACTUALLY (i was 7). and omg mario party!! i still play that whenever i have game nights bc i was able to buy a nintendo switch HAHAHAH and dude just dance hyperfixation goes crazy bc i got insanely good at rasputin solely because i thought i looked cool (i did not.) 😞

ALSO THE VOLLEYBALL GIRLS BEING MEAN IS SO REAL OMG.. lots of the vb girls at my middle school didn't like me for no reason it was crazy actually and that was partially why i didnt start until now LMAO theyre scary af sometimes akwkwnssj

IM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW and me and my friends were trying to figure out where to meet and its now coming to me that i have nothing planned whatsoever 😋 LIKE I DIDNT EVEN PLAN WHEN TO WAKE UP AND I ONLY REALIZED NOW PLS so today i have to lock in and plan an outfit hairstyle and lunch for tomorrow morning and uhhhhhh i wanted to write and post an akaashi oneshot before i went back to school bc i would probably lose the time to write frequently so... how do u balance out your time omg (DONT ACTUALLY ANSWER THIS ITS OK ITS RHETORICAL IM JUST YAPPING)

also i had no idea but like theres a district rule here that phones CANNOT be used at all in the school day unless u were explicitly allowed to.. like ive been getting intro emails from my teachers and their talking about A CELL PHONE VAULT⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ guys i just want my phone so that i can listen to music while i work on assignments please i swear im an ok kid 💔 i may just keep it in my backpack and always wear my hair down because im desperate.. i think i may have an aneurysm if i have to go the entirety of a day without music so desperate times call for desperate measures i suppose 😕

ANYWAY IM NOT GONNA REREAD THAT AND ATTEMPT TO CORRECT ANY ATROCIOUS LOOKING RUN ON SENTENCES SO I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME,, HOPEFULLY YOURE DOING WELL AND ARE HAVING A GOOD DAY!!

HELLO SAV!!! GOOD EVENING <3 (it's 10 pm rn oopsies) THANK U!! AND I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD DAY <3 today was okay besides the embarrassment of hearing my own playlist being played in public...yk what i'm referring to..BUT also aa yes i will take my meds thank you for the reminder!! since 10 is when i'm supposed to take them 😭 i'll take them next time i get up!! bc i'm kind of comfy rn </3

PLEASE i never actually played mario kart </33 like then the switch came out and my friend had it and i played at her house but then she'd always get mad bc i'd beat her LMAO so i've actually never owned mario kart!! like i ended up get a hand me down switch from my sister's bf's sister who didn't want it anymore but it dies like within an hour of being used so i never play it </33 and DW i didn't look cool dancing to promiscuous even if i got 5 stars on it LMAOAO

but YES idk i think middle school volleyball is definitely the worst bc that's when the toxicity started for my friend in volleyball and i think it makes sense just because of what our minds are like at the state (trying to find ur place and form groups and everything yk </3 not to be a psych nerd or anything but ykwim </3)

AND AA BEST OF LUCK TOMORROW AT SCHOOL!! I'LL PROBABLY MESSAGE U AT MIDNIGHT TO WISH U LUCK AGAIN <3 I HOPE YOU GOT YOUR OUTFIT AND EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT!! i've also been just taking it day by day 😭 like my schedule depends on the day yk so like i've just been setting alarms the night before everytime my schedule changes (IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT BUT I GET U SAV I GET U) and aa!! i know your question was rhetorical but definitely don't stress about too much please <3 take your time and just do what you can manage!!

AND THAT'S CRAZY?? A PHONE VAULT??? MAN YOUR SCHOOL IS HARDCORE I'M SO SORRY 😭😭 i definitely just keep my hair down and use earbuds most of the time bc i CANNOT go without music and like it's fine!!! i have great grades tbh so no one has anything on me 😌 i remember one time i had this math final and we had to put our phones in like a shoe hanger everyday (idk what it's called) but thank goodness wireless headphones exist!! so like my phone would still be connected to my earbuds <3 and my teacher made me lift up a beanie i was wearing to cover my ears LMAO AND I HAD AN EARBUD IN BUT SHE DIDN'T SEE IT BC THEY'RE BLACK like i am not rich enough to afford airpods and i don't want them anyway 😭 they look uncomfortable and ugly and they draw so much attention bc they're bright!! offbrand earbuds all the way <3

YOU ARE BETTER THAN I AM FOR PROOFREADING YOUR MESSAGE 😭😭 I'M GOING TO SEND THIS AS IT IS AND I'M SORRY FOR ANY RUN ON SENTENCES!! I HOPE YOU HAD A LOVELY DAY SAV <33

[protorose-harmony]

🩷why is everything about our body so big?... its already been a weepy morning and i haven't seen anhone yet. I dont want to be here, back in this place where I was trapped and forced to "not exist" for sooo long. Yeah sure the other one got to be face, they were "normal" they were "who the family wanted but until they broke and forgot about me, my source, my original. They just wanted to be my friend, they wanted me to exist. Bht every time they did something for me or later if i was able to get a thought forward and they noticed enough to respond to it, I was always wrong, they weren't "supposed to be a girl"(🧡im not them but i used to be and guess what we sure fucking were, even back then🧡). This place is hell to me. These people, some of them true beacons and places we all can feel safe... but thats not this house, this house where I had to be imprisoned in our own mind. "They" was miserable, they didn't understand why even... i like to think a lot of it was that they missed me. My original source became the soul of so many in the darkwater... but so far we have yet to be able to pull far enough in to just turn all perception and perspective into the worlds we built for ourselves... but we made it work, those of us who had to pick up the pieces after "They" shattered did their jobs and wven got us someplace we thought would be safe. We found a person who promised to be our owner and take care of us if we took care of her and jt was good for so long but we wanted to go out and do more than she did (specifically kinky and witchy stuff. That she brought us into irl instead of just online) and we lost ourselves to the screen just trying to skip past yhe boring bits. And that was bad for all of us. It led to some general mental stuff that we aren't gonna get into but it kinda came to a head when the front group, me included, and her had a talk. She was done with us at that point or at least she was past what she felt she could handle. We had a decent therapist we were working on our meds but mental health just kept flaring up. And the woman who told us she would take care of us and keep us safe... someone outside who I actually allowed myself to trust... did not follow through on either of the exit plans we had agreed on. We begged her to adopt us to a new owner who would be better equipped or more willing or whatever, someone who would actually care about Our/my wishes. Either adopt us or bring us back where she found us, to the people I consider to be My family. Sure it would've meant carting our ass back to Arkansas but at least that would've been somewhat better for me/us mentally rather than being back here. But no she got us (fresh out of the hospital, not yet lucid to make any decision for ourselves and she apparently had us call body's parents and next thing i knew inwas back in this hell i was forced to grow up in. We fucking love that woman, other than the ending she was nothing but amazing to us in so many ways, she spoiled the fuck out of us, she got us around all sorts of cool places and people. If she would take us back we would go back to her in a heartbeat. But she also fucked us, she fucked Me over pretty bad with where she left us. And like we're not sure if she doesn't realize how bad of a situation she put us in or if she just detached herself so much that she isn't letting herself care anymore... fuck today just hurts and i want us to just crawl back into bed and shut everything out for the day but the others have things they want to do so i get to get dragged around again...🩷

-Alex🩷

[groupwest]

i want help.. but i cant ask for help… i have to be big and do things on my own… but i need help… i need help i need help….. i do wish i had a partner who could help me… my friends.. cant… they are all too dependent like me… i’m the one always offering help to them… sometimes they will help me with big things like moving house but its the little things that i need support in… i have a social worker but he doesnt offer the kind of help that i need… UAAAARGH i want my mother. and i want her to be different and to help me. i wish she’d continued to smother me like when i was little… it hurt so bad when she detached that codependency… its a good thing but i never really learned how to do things on my own…… its not fair. i want my old life back why is it so hard to be here. i feel so alone and it all feels so wrong and it feels like there should be an answer or a solution but i cant see it and everything feels so wrong and i cant move and feel my body like i used to it feels so heavy and wrong and i cant see it i cant feel it it feels so wrong i’m so detached i thought i missed the delusions but i can feel them coming and it feels so wrong… fuck this isnt going to work is it i cant live here. i want to fix this so bad i want to be a real person. nothing comforts me anymore. only maybe my phone. which sucks so bad and is why i cant get anything done. i wanted to puke and cut myself so bad last night for the first time in a long time, i mean sometimes i get those feelings but it was really strong. maybe its a good thing. ive been more impulsive lately and maybe its a good thing. feels like when you start taking meds and finally have the enwrgy to try and kill uourself. i feel so broken though and like i cant move. i wish i had my room again. my soul is fucking disintegrating without four walls to keep it contained. i didn’t realise i was so depressed i guess it caught up with me. i guess this is just one single moment in time and these feelings dont have to be permanent at all i can let them go. i can let them go i can let them go i can let them go. i managedto soothe myself yesterday… but then we had to go out and it was horrible i almost could have had a meltdown in public which NEVER never ever happens. maybe its a good thing too. i think ive been masking less lately. it doesnt feel good though. feels horriblw and embarrassing to be myself. this self. it seems so weak and so tiny and so stupid. i want to live alone. i want help. i hate myself for these contradictions. why have i been the same for so long. why did i let it all go one like i had no power over it. when i always did. it makes me really angry to think how easy it has been to almost give up smoking this past week. its been several years of sameness. will it be this easy when everything else suddenly changes as well ? have i always held the power to do so ? why’d i have to ruin my teenage years like this then ? it feels horrible. it feels cruel. why cant i make better choices for myself why cant i take my life i to my own hands. ?!! its horrible. i wish i was anyone else. i feel so close to understanding everything i need to to make the most of life but i just hold myself back every single step of the way. i hate my family for letting me be like this. they had so much more than me. now they don’t even appreciate it. they just teach me all the wrong things and enable my neurosis. i dont know. thats cruel to say. but its how i feel. i want help but ill never let anyone in becuz i cant make anyone understand me. i know its all my fault. i just don’t know how to fix it. i wish i was anyone else. i want to crawl up into the inside of my own brain and die. like a sick old cat. all alone.

[feralbeeast]

I don't know what else to do so I'm gonna rant on here since so one really sees my posts anyways.

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I'm never going to be enough, for anyone or anything. I'm always going to be a burden whether it be emotionally, mentally, or financially. I dont believe my loved ones when they say im not a burden because i know it isnt true, ive relied on things and people to make me "ok" my entire life. I burnt myself out before I even made it to adulthood and I don't know how to cope, prescription meds made me so fucking sick and vile I don't want and can't afford to go back to that again. The only coping mechanisms I have are isolation and weed, and neither of those are healthy but I guess it's better than self harming or just giving in. And sometimes those don't even work because of how exhausted I am in every. single. way. I'm too tired to keep living like this. I can't be responsible for myself how am i supposed to be responsible for others on top of struggling with myself. Im trying my god damned best and it will never be good enough for the people around me. That's not their fault but Jesus fuxking Christ I need something to change. No matter what happens I'm going to be fuxked, a wreck. And I can't do anything to stop that I just have to accept it and try my best to work with it. I will always hate myself and I've given up on me a very long time ago, but for those I love I will suffer until I physically can't anymore so they dont have to suffer as much. I wish people could see how much I do, how much I try, how much i care and understand.. and if the people I love do read this please don't blame yourself, this is all my fault and my burden to bare. I wish this world was kinder but this is the reality we live in and it's not changing anytime soon, in fact it's getting worse. Especially for people like me who is mentally ill, trans nonbinary, pansexual, and neurodivergent. This society was not meant for me and it never will be I have accepted that a long time ago. Maybe it's better off If I'm just gone. Everything this world has put me through should've killed me a long time ago, im jealous of the dead. I just want everything to stop so I can breathe. And I feel so fucking selfish for even thinking about killing myself but it's always there it's always the backup for me and it always will be, I've tried so fucking hard to be okay for the sake of my partner my cat and my family but im so fucking tired. Sometimes I think about how better off everyone would be if I stayed the "perfect quiet little girl" I was before I stood up for myself and left the overly abusive household I was in. I graduated high school out of spite of my family because they all thought I couldn't do it or I was gonna turn into a druggie like my parents were when they were my age. I'm so fucking jealous that my dad got to escape this world when he did and I wish he took me with him. I'm just, done. I've been living for other people my entire life not one minute of my life was spent just for me and I don't even know how to feel about that, I feel selfish for even wanting to live for me and I feel like an idiot for thinking I even possibly could. I'm going insane and there's nothing anyone can do except watch me burn. I have mourned me almost my whole life, the me you see now is not who I am. I lost myself the day I had to grow up and raise myself before I was even in school.

I wish I had somewhat a normal childhood, I wish I could've enjoyed the time I had. I will never get that time back or those people.

[sleepingchurch]

I'm fucking fat and bloated from eating so much food. And I dont sleep so I my digestive system is fucked. So I'm spending everyday in crippling pain from holding in everything at work, because i try for 20 minutes every morning snd cant go, and by the time I get home, I've tightened my core so much for so long, nothing comes out.

I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time. I try so so so hard to get good sleep. To get enough sleep. I'm going to bed at fucking 930 how am I getting less than 4 hours total when that should set me up for 8 solid hours.

I work fucking everyday, still don't have enough money for literally anything. And now, they've been trying to send me home early by an hour. And they've tried to do it twice just this week. That's $26. That's 2 packs of cigarettes or half a tank of gas or dinner and lunch or cat food and toiletries. Like $26 is absolutely necessary considering what i get normally isn't enough.

My mental health is only getting worse. I cry every morning when I wake up from being exhausted from trying to sleep. My meds aren't doing shit at this point. I'm over eating and still unsatisfied because I'm not eating food I want. I'm eating whatever there to eat. And everything I wake up at night I've gotten into the habit to go eat fucking sugar.

I'm falling apart. And I'm bot ready for work at all and I have to go so fast now but none of my chores are done because I have so little energy to do them so my laundry is all in my hamper that I have to now dig through to find some clothes and my body hurts from needing to shit.

I can't keep losing my hours to being late. I used to have a schedule. A morning routine and I stuck with it and I could go to work and it not hurt and now, with g around, I can't function.

The mental illness is really mentally illnessing right now. I don't want to detach from them and I don't want to be angry at them but I am. I'm pissed they get to eat and sleep normally that they get to stay home. I know they're unemployed and it's freaking them out but like I want to stay home too.

I dont know. If I were actually on time I'd be leaving in 10 minutes to get to work 10 minutes early. But I'm still on the fucking toilet. Trying.

And why am I having such a hard time shifting when all I do is fucking eat? I mean I don't fucking understand.

This is too much. My life is too much and I don't want it anymore. There aren't good parts. There's escaping the really bad and the really bad. And no matter what it's exhausting.

I want to be done.

[wonwoonlight]

📣: Doctor!Wonwoo // fluff // 884 words

A/N: hohohoh here i have arrived w the last of my requests 😎 gonna open my request box back on in a bit but not right now because im working on sth :p if i managed to finish it today, then i’ll open it back in a few hours. if not, then myb tomorrow bc im sexc like that😎😎 anyway! enjoy this doctor!wonwoo finding out yn is sick by accident ohoho.

p.s. you guys do know my ask is always open even if the request box is closed, right? dont hesitate to drop by and say sth!🙈

edit: [part 2]

 find the rest of requested drabble here 

It’s been a few days since Wonwoo has last seen you. He’s been cramped with works and he barely even has time to sleep. The last he actually has a proper conversation with you is probably almost a week ago.

He sighs, rubbing his head as he waits for the next patient to come in. This is probably his last one of the day and he wishes you’re not too busy yourself so he can see you once he gets off work.

An elderly woman comes in by herself, telling him how she’s been feeling. Wonwoo just nods along, writing some stuff down before he asks the nurse to take the woman to the examination bed to do the standard procedure.

Wonwoo stretches in his seat after that, sighing in relief once the woman thanks him and walks out of his room. He’s about to gather his stuff and leave when one of the nurses comes back in, smiling at him with guilt.

“I’m sorry, Doctor, but Dr. Choi asked if you can take his last patient? He has a sudden call from one of the professors so he has to go.”

Sighing to himself, he nods before he sits back down as he cracks his neck. One more patient shouldn’t take that long. He doesn’t even look at the clipboard the nurse gave him, it’s probably another case of cold and fever. With the season getting colder, a lot of his patients have been having cold cases.

“Oh…?” the patient exclaims when the door opens, her voice strangely familiar.

Wonwoo looks up to see his girlfriend blinking continuously at him. “But I asked for Dr. Choi…?”

“You’re sick?” Wonwoo frowns, worry quickly filling his system. “And why didn’t you come to me?”

You smile guiltily at the nurse, though he seems to understand you’re not just a patient to Wonwoo. You sigh as you walk to the seat in front of his desk. You didn’t mean to come here, not wanting Wonwoo to worry; but the insurance from your company is only claimable if you go to this hospital and another one that’s two hours away. So, you have just wished Wonwoo would be too busy or off work when you’re here with another doctor.

“Because you’d worry too much,” you tell him. Well, no use hiding it anymore, now. “Did Dr. Choi send me to you?”

“Yes, he’s got a call from one of the professors,” he quickly answers, his posture turning straight. Wonwoo searches for your face, he can tell for sure you’re a bit pale than usual and you definitely seem much too lethargic for his own liking. “What are your symptoms?”

You blow out your cheeks, reluctantly telling Wonwoo you’ve been lightheaded for a few days now and got a little warm last night.

Wonwoo frowns even more, not liking the situation one bit. He knows you’ve always been rather independent, but does it need to be this extend? He keeps it to himself for now, not wanting to debate with you in his work place in front of the nurse.

“Go lay down so I can check on you,” he says, not meeting your eyes. Truthfully, you feel a bit guilty that Wonwoo has to find out this way. It’s not like you’re trying to hide it from him, but you figure Wonwoo’s been having a lot of patients than usual these days and you think you’d tell him if it gets worse after this doctor visit.

Who thought you’d end up with him in this room now?

As he goes to exam you, you don’t dare to meet his eyes. You can tell that he’s upset and he’s rightfully so, you’d be upset too if Wonwoo’s sick and didn’t tell you anything.

“I’ll prescribe you some meds that would help. Make sure to take everything,” Wonwoo curtly says, giving the clipboard to the nurse.

When the nurse goes out, he looks at you with something that you’d describe as close to disappointment. Before he can get even more upset, you decide it���d be better to act cute in hope it will ease things off a little.

“Woo~” you pout with your whiny tone. It’s a tone Wonwoo knows well, ones you use when you’re trying to get him on your good side. “You know I don’t mean to hide it from you.”

He raises one of his eyebrows, deciding to indulge your little game. “That’s why you step into this hospital and book an appointment with Hansol?”

You pout even more, looking at him pitifully. “It’s just that Dr. Choi has less appointments than you are.”

“You really think I’d buy that?” he asks, a bit amused. It’s kind of cute the way you’re making up reasons. “Whatever. Just get your meds and wait for me by the lobby. We’re going home.”

“You’re done for the day?” you ask, your eyes following Wonwoo’s figure as he moves around to gather his things.

“I should be until Hansol’s patient is referred to me.”

“Woo~” you whine again and Wonwoo just laughs at your tone.

He stands near you and hold out his hand to help you stand up, there’s determination in his eyes as you take his hand. “You’re not leaving your bed until tomorrow under my care.”

[deadgrantaires]

soooo as i worked up my courage to make a million calls this morning i also got the crushing news that my gov insurance has been ~*canceled*~ and as im trying to cope with that it goes hand in hand with now trying to rate my 20+ medications against each other and decide which ones im going to try stopping altogether bc i literally cannot afford to take them all, especially when my daily inhaler that i need to live/w0rk at all has no generic option and will ALWAYS cost me like $60/month. I have a month left to see doctors before i shut myself in and just live with all my problems forever bc all my problems need testing and all the testign costs hundreds of dollars, of which i do not have in spare cash with my measly p4ych3ck after yknow. rent and utilities and food. so thats out of the question. it also means if/when i get hospitalized again for getting ANY sickness i cannot afford the bill and will just be completely screwed. which is only BETTER because ofc nobody is taking covid seriously anymore despite still being in the middle of an unimporving pandemic. but no eveyrones ability to go to the grocery store without wearing a mask IS more important than my life, who am i kidding

but anyways im just. completley fucked and i guess its good i was always kinda prepared to be completely fucked and its really just a waiting game to see how much all my meds are gonna cost me and budgeting from there. but may have to say farewell to the dreams of seeing a therapist again since idk if i can afford it as a monthly/weekly expense with everything else. added to the fact that i have to keep switching therapists bc they "feel they arent helping me as much as they should" like yeah absolutley bud, the stress and frustration and panic of having to spend my obsolete energy shopping around for another therapist who takes my insurance and isnt meshing at all with me is surely BETTER than u spending the time to try and understand how to help me, as is literally. your job. so i think ill just give up on that!

like as if it wasnt bad enough that im jsut Not Eating half the time anyway bc i dont have any time or energy or will to make myself food. the ammount of times ive just gone to bed without eating bc i looked in the fridge 20 times and eveyrthing i thought about made me feel sick or exhausted me so i said fuck it and went to bed hungry. so like at this point saving money by not going to therapy would at least MAYBE give me wiggle room to buy more food i can actually eat. not that i can. leave the house at all any more since im so burnt out that even thinking about leaving the house on the weekend to get groceries literally saps away my strength all week trying to work up to it. and i STILL cant go out on the weekend. so i literally. dont know howim supposed to survive this other than just. see how it plays out and hope for the best or like. that i kill myself good enough that i just die and dont end up in the hospital with bills about it 🙄

.

[angelicvomit]

i'm so unsure about my future. how it will look like? as a child, i wanted to be a doctor. i wanted to go to the med university, be a pediatrician just because i really liked my doctor back then. at some point, before middle school, i wanted to pursue art but my mom didn't let me go to the art school. and during middle school, i came back thinking about medical carrier, but this time, in mental health zone. psychology or psychiatry. and i was intend on this for my whole life, until covid happened, until my ex didn't ruin my mental health, until i wasn't kicked out of the school because we couldn't affort paying for it anymore. and as someone who had the worst time in her mental health back then, i didn't even consider going back to school. now, i don't even have a hs finished. i work a poor job that's not paying me enough but i'm worried i'll never find anything better than this. that i have to get used to be paid a shit money because i don't have any education to make it easier for me. i wanted to get courses to help me get any better job but if i don't have a good job that pays decently, i won't be able to save up for these courses, anyway. everything is just involved around money so how i can make my situation better if i dont have them? i'm working for two months now. and i just... i just can't get over it how unused i'm to live in society. i can see people being so different than me. i can see how others doesn't like people like me. i'm getting shunned just by existing, just by being quiet and passive. and i just can't understand it, i don't deserve such a treatment. but i guess, no matter what, humans will always try to find a way to feel better than others and people like me are just an easy target. people talk, they laugh, they make friends but i'm here to only make money. i'm not good in making friends, i'm not good in talking. it's just, everything that builds relationships is too tiring for me. there's no point in trying, especially if i already have people i talk to from time to time. maybe they're an online friends but it's better for me. i always lost every friend irl just because i hate going out and i'm bad at keeping a conversation going and after some time, people get bored of doing it by themselves and they forget about me and find someone better. i wish... i wish i don't have to work. i wish my art was more interesting so i could build an audience and earn money by doing commissions. but i can't. i tried to build my communitty for as long as i remember. and i still wasn't able to get more than 300 followers... and as much as i know, art is for myself and i do art for my own needs and wants, only big audience could give me enough money to let me live decendly in this country.

[cottoncandyjester]

Your OCs are so cute! How would they handle a darling that counters them i.e. theo w/ someone who can see through his manipulation, hikari w/ someone who refuses to be belittled, prince w/ a prudish or nonsexual darling?

Oh such a good question! thank you very much for the praise they are my babies ✨

This story contains: talk of sex, talk of abuse,drugs, mutilation, manipulation yandere behavior

Theodore

You don't fall for his bullshit

His emotional manipulation doesn't work on you

This both frustrated and amazed him

You were much stronger than he thinks

But it annoys him that he can't go the simple and painless route for this

Everytime he tries to manipulate you it usually ends with you shutting him down

"darling, my sweet angel won't it be much smarter if you stayed with me..listen to me"

"nope. I do what I want"

Wait you can't say that! That's illegal!

He immediately panicked and used force to knock you out

If his words won't work then it seems he has to keep you heavily sedated

Being a med student has beautiful benefits

He doesn't want to keep you like this but it's just until you comply

"angel? Sweetie..? Can you tell me what day it is?"

Silence.

A sigh escaped him as he watched your dull glazed eyes stare back into his, you definitely were too out of it to respond back. He unbuckled the straps he had put on the wheelchair before scooping you up and walking to the bedroom to place you into bed.

"maybe when the drugs wear off you'll be better yeah? I really hate seeing you like this..I miss our conversations and I miss your adorable fiery behavior even if it was a tad bit frustrating"

As he slid his jacket off he crawled into the bed with you hugging you close with a happy sigh inhaling the smell of your hair now

"we can try again tomorrow"

Hikaru

You brush off his insults and he hates it

His temper explodes and so he reacts in violence

Pure rage and violence

He'll put a permanent scar or mark on you that everyone could see

You will definitely have to deal with his feral side

He wants to be sweet and loving to you but he will also do what it takes to have you

You make things such a challenge

If fear of death makes you stay than damn it that's what he has to do

"come to me cutie, don't you want to cuddle?"

"I rather chew nails"

"the hell did you say, pig?"

His sharp tone made you huff lightly, his degrading was nothing new to you if anything you would just throw it right back at him

"you're th pig not me. You are as ugly as one"

Uh oh.

Hikaru tensed up and scowled before walking over to you and gripping you by your hair, giving it a harsh tug and pulling you on your knees in front of him

"listen here bitch, watch your damn mouth before I cut your tongue off! You stupid selfish disgusting-"

Hikaru Inhaled deeply letting out a shaky breath as he let go and cupped your face in his hands his blue eyes swirling with a devilish idea

"you know..you don't need fingers and a tongue to be adorable darling. I'll love you either way, so maybe it's time to make some changes"

Axis

No matter how helpless and pathetic he looks you won't fall for it

He could have been sobbing into your lap begging you to stay and you'll just push him off

This wasn't good

His method didn't work

He had to come up with something new

He restored to desperate measures

If you were handicapped as well you would have no choice but to stay

Doesn't want to hurt you

Sobs while doing it

Will only do it if all other choices fail

"p-please stay-"

"no, I'm leaving for good. Nothing you say will change that"

Axis was on his knees begging you to stay, he was crying so hard now knowing what had to be done. He leaned his head against your stomach with a gentle sigh as he slipped a hand into his pocket

"I understand, after all you can walk out if you wish just know that i love you"

"thank you for being understanding axis now please le-"

You winced and screamed when the male stabbed a needle into your thigh looking up at you his eyes pouring with tears, he looked like it hurt him more than it did you

"i-its okay honey! I'll treat you well, I'll just do something quick and easy like break your legs or maybe paralyze you from the waist down, we can be broken together"

He stood up as you were becoming limp in his arms and he peppered kisses lovingly along your face and neck with a happy hum

"I love you my sweetie"

Prince

Okay...no sex on the first day got it he can wait a day

A week later. No sex..okay?

Two weeks went by and now he was getting worried

You cringed at the utter mention of sex

He was going through a withdrawal

It was driving him crazy how much of a prude you were

Poor boy was being blueballed and he didn't like it

Pleasuring himself was totally not enough

He wanted to feel you

This was how he showed his love and the fact that he couldn't made him pissed

Hell your clothes covered your entire body

You even wore wet suits at the beach

WHO DOES THAT?!

by two months he had snapped

He couldn't take it anymore

He restored to drugging your drink with several aphrodisiacs

He kinda went crazy and mixed a bunch of different ones together

After that it doesn't take long til you are panting and writhing from the feeling

He was only being a sweetheart and decided to help

"what's wrong baby?"

Prince smirks against his beer can as he watched you press your legs together whining and whimpering as your body felt like it would melt.

"i-i feel hot..so hot"

Prince made sure to strike during a cuddle session, he put his can down and held you close tightly looking at you curiously, his smirk only getting wider when he saw just how adorable you looked

"should I help you!"

"i-we shouldn't-"

"do you want to suffer?"

That statement made you whine as he trailed his hands along your body watching you squirm around wildly

"calm down, I'll be gentle I'm just trying to help baby cUse this feeling won't go away on its own"

He will have to use drugs more often

Yuki

Blackmail doesn't work on you

You have nothing to lose it seems

This annoyed him

He just wants to love you why are you being so mean

He just wants to love you

He is normally too lazy for force but if he has to he will

His use of force will just be tying you up and holding you close

If he has to gag you he will

He will make sure you won't leave

Every escape you try is only met with disappointment

He always stays calm

Until you decide to break his fantasy

"leave me alone!"

"be kinder to your boyfriend..."

"oh my fucking God! You aren't my boyfriend! We aren't anything you are just a sicko who is obsessed with me! Go away!"

"but-"

I DONT WANT YOU! I NEVER WILL!"

There was silence after that and a soft sniffle escaped him before he simply reached out fast gripping your wrist while using his free hand to wipe his tears.

"that's not true- not true not true. You just forgot I'll have to remind you just how much I love you"

With that he threw you over his shoulder while tears rolled down his cheeks, he needed a good nap to sleep the depression away and if course you will be at his side so he can cuddle but first he has to take care of you.

You were so mean so he figured he can use his piercing kit to do something about that mouth, he's never pierced someone's mouth shut but maybe he can do that

[oftheredmoon]

my abuser abused me. after 10 years i broke my silence and told my childhood friend. i didnt want justice or anything bc i didnt want to destroy my family, i just wanted to confide in my closest friend. she immediately ran around town and told everyone. 2 years later, i found out random people knew about my trauma and were threatening my abuser as well as on the verge of involving my family. so i lied. and said i lied about the abuse. a lot of people in town hate me. ex-childhood friend hates me and victimizes herself; everyone takes her side. my abuser hates me and rather than be grateful that i took one for the team (since we both know what he did) he uses it against me. tells me he hates me because “you know what you did” on party chat in front of the handful of people who still speak to me.

i can never confide in anyone about this due to cultural reasons. i’m stuck living in a looped hell. people think im some mentally ill wacko who went off the deep end and tried to drag innocent people down with me. i dont do drugs. i dont drink. i dont have an escape. i dont have friends anymore. suicide is not an option. confiding in people is no longer an option. coping mechanisms dont work anymore. self-harm never worked and just made me feel stupid. moving out/running away is not an option. therapy didnt help, neither did meds.

i think the most painful thing is the blatant fact that i will never truly be happy.

i’m expected to get married and have children. i want to get married and have children. but how am i supposed to let my husband lay a finger on me without screaming and crying? how am i supposed to explain that the reason i breakdown everytime he compliments me is because nobody has ever paid attention to me before? how am i supposed to be a good wife and have a good job when im completely talentless and stupid because i spent my whole childhood in a locked room neglected? how am i supposed to a healthy partner when the very thought of him becoming slightly annoyed with me or ignoring me is enough to send me into a psychotic breakdown? how am i supposed to explain why im so mentally ill? why i have psychosis, ptsd, depression, anxiety, adhd, and borderline personality disorder. why im constantly dissociating. how am i supposed to explain why im so physically ill? my heart, my blood sugar, my ulcers, the migraines, the potential cysts, crohns disease, the fact that i can hardly eat without throwing up, the fact that my body has dealt with so much stress that its already giving up at 20 years old. i could keep going, but i wont.

its getting hard to feel anything anymore. i’m no longer in touch with reality. when i try to think about myself my appearance, my name and all the things that once defined me do not come up. im hardly human at this point. i wake up, eat, stare at the wall for 8 hours, eat again, maybe do some homework, and play xbox for a few hours before my abuser inevitably makes a comment and i get triggered and leave before i breakdown in front of everyone.

“just tell ur future husband!!” cant, its not that simple, im not from the west.

“find a supportive/understanding man!!” see above plus: no man is going to put up with a complete emotional trainwreck who can hardly function: thats a receipe for creating a cheater.

“find a friend group that your abuser doesnt hang out with!!” cant, everyone hates me, this friend group is the most successful one ive ever had, im scared of making new bonds, theyll all leave eventually.

“make online friends!!” i have very negative experiences with online friends, id rather not.

“seek professional help!!” already tried, didnt work, they would call the cops if they knew half the shit that happened to me, therapy is not the solution to everything.

“why did u say u lied in the first place...?” bc my abuser going to jail/being confronted by all of this wouldve destroyed my family. i couldnt let that happen.

“why did u expect ur abuser to be understanding and grateful..? they’re an abuser lol...” bc after the whole thing blew up and everyone hated me, we had a mutual agreement and understanding to make it water under the bridge in order to protect our family. guess i was wrong to think he cared about them.

“what do u want me to say then lol... ur not willing to help urself” i cant help myself. “my hands are tied” is the biggest understatement of the century.

this post is not to find my cure. i didnt make this post because i want people in my dms showing me that they’re concerned.

if ur concerned about me harming myself, dont be. you have my 100% guarantee that i will not self-harm or attempt suicide. i gave up on that years ago.

this post is to vent.

this post is for people who are in similar situations as me. people who cant find a way out. people who cant turn to escapes such as drugs. people who protect their abuser whether out of love or for the sake of others.

you’re not the only one. i understand. i know. its hard. you’re drowning. no one will grab your hand no matter how much you reach out. in the rare cases that someone does come you pull away. you’ve lost the best years of your life to trauma and mental illness. it feels like theres no point. nothing helps. nothing works. you’re practically a zombie. you often trigger yourself to cope. you just want the pain to end. you dont want to feel anymore. you want to feel something. you dont want to remember. you want to be loved. you want a sign that you belong here. you want to enjoy life. you want to die. you’re afraid of living but you’re afraid of death.

i’m so sorry you’re hurt. i hope you find peace and salvation in a safe manner. i hope you heal and enjoy life to the fullest.

dont really know how to end this. i hope we’ll all be okay. i hope everyone whos been traumatized can find peace on earth. i hope breathing can start to feel a little easier. sorry this is so long. take care of yourselves.

[summahsunlight]

Perhaps It’s Fate, Part 18

Rating: T, to be safe

Word Count: 2031

Summary: After joining the Resistance as a mechanic, you were happy to keep to yourself, until a little orange and white bb unit and his master wander into your workshop one day.

Pairings: Poe Dameron x Mechanic!Reader

Taglist: @ms-dont-care​, @starless-eyes-remain​, @elmoakepoke​, @marvelobsessiononastick​, @kiaralein​, @softly-sad​, @totalpoedameron, @ordinarymom1​, @sevvysaurus​, @spider-starry​, @liadamerondjarin​, @jingyuhearteu​, @dream-alittlebiggerdarling​

It’s here! The next part! Hope you enjoy it. I didn’t get to proof read this too much before posting, I’m too excited for you to be able to read it!🥰 Remember if you want to be added to the taglist, just let me know!

Finn left you in the med bay with the medics and promised to go find Poe. You were concerned that he hadn’t showed up to hover over you and make sure that the medics were taking good care of you. Finn figured that Poe was busy, after all the Raddus was now attempting to outrun the First Order fleet--he was surprised to find Poe tucked away in an abandoned part of the ship. 

Poe’s head was cast downward, his shoulders slumped, with his face buried his hands. BB-8 was sitting by his side, every once and while beeping sounds of what Finn interpreted as comfort. “Poe?”

When the commander looked up at him, Finn was taken aback by his appearance. There was a dull looking in his brown eyes, he’d obviously been crying and he just looked--defeated. “Hey, you’re awake. How... how are you feeling?”

“It’s sore... but I supposed it could have been worse,” Finn replied.

“I dunno, buddy; you’re trapped on a ship being pursued by the First Order,” Poe said, tightly. “Seems like it is worse; we’d probably all be better off dead anyways. at this point.”

BB-8 moaned, sadly, his photoreceptor looking over at Finn. 

Finn stood there, dumbstruck. It was like the fire and passion had been sucked right out of Poe. “Are you okay, Poe?”

Poe chuckled, angrily. “No. I took that dreadnaught out to protect us, to save the people on this ship--and it didn’t matter. The First Order managed to track us, they killed my friends.” He sucked in a large breath, trying to stifle a sob, “they killed her. I just wanted to keep her safe... keep her away from anymore pain they could inflict upon her. I failed her.”

It took Finn a few seconds to realize that Poe was talking about you. No wonder he hadn’t come by the med bay to find you--he thought you had been in the hanger--he thought you were dead. “Poe-”

“Don’t tell me it’s not my fault. I’ve heard that enough already.”

“But Poe...”

“Finn, I know you think you’re helping...” “Dameron! Shut up for a second! She’s fine.”

BB-8 rolled back and forth in excitement, wildly twilling and beeping at Poe--who sat there looking at Finn with wide, shocked eyes. “But she was working in the hanger--the First Order blew the hanger up.”

Finn shook his head. “She wasn’t in the hanger. They couldn’t find you when I woke up, so they called her. She came to see me. We were going back to the hanger when the ship was hit. Poe--she’s in the med bay wondering where the hell you are.”

Poe scrambled to his feet, wiping at the tears in his eyes. “I didn’t... I didn’t know--I thought she was dead, Finn. I thought I had lost her.”

“She’s a little banged up, but she’ll live.”

“Banged up?”

“Yeah, she hit her head--but like I said--she’s fine, Poe.”

BB-8 nudged Poe in the legs. He couldn’t figure out why the pilot was still standing there--the little droid wanted to go see you. He had been sad just like Poe when he thought you had died. 

Poe suddenly snapped back to life, pushing passed Finn and heading towards the med bay with both BB-8 and Finn trailing behind him. You were alive; you were alive and suddenly the galaxy was aligned again--suddenly Poe realized the dire situation they were in.  If they didn’t figure out a plan soon, they were all going to be dead in just a few hours. 

Heart racing, he burst into the med bay, startling the medics and calling for you. Poe could worry about the Resistance in a minute--he just needed to see you first, needed to see you with his own eyes. When he came around a corner and saw you, sitting on a cot, asleep, his heart leapt into his throat. 

Gently he went to cup your neck and ease you into a comfortable sleeping position. The movement stirred you and you looked at him, sleepily with a smile. “There you are. I thought you forgot about me,” you teased him. 

“Never,” Poe sighed, tears springing to his eyes. “I could never forget.”

“Poe?” you questioned, seeing the tears. “What’s wrong?”

His arms were around you, drawing you towards him and holding onto you tightly. “I thought I lost you,” Poe cried, “I thought you were in the hanger when it was blown up and...my world crumbled, Y/N. There was nothing left for me to fight for, to care about--I love you.”

You pressed your face into his neck and let him hold you, your heart breaking at the grief he must have endured for the last couple of hours. If only you had known... you would have sent Finn to find Poe much sooner. 

BB-8 rolled into your room then, happy to see you. Looking down at him over Poe’s shoulder, you smiled. 

Poe pulled back, taking your face between his hands. He inspected the cut on your head, that the medics had done a nice job stitching up, and then he kissed you, tenderly. “Don’t scare me like that again, sweetheart.” 

“I’ll try not too.”

“Guess I know how it feels to be you now--whenever I leave.”

“Sucks, doesn’t it?”

He stroked his thumbs over your cheeks. “Yeah... a lot.”

You smiled, lovingly. “I’ll try not to scare you again.”

Poe pulled you into his arms once again, burying his face into your hair and taking a deep breath. He knew he loved you, he just never knew how much until he thought he’d lost you. The cool metal of his mother’s ring pressed against his chest while he pressed you against him. He was going to give it to you, when this whole thing was over--when they had found away to get to the new base safely. 

Finn cleared his throat; BB-8 beeped, reminding you that you were not alone. Softly pressing a kiss to your forehead, Poe pulled away from you. 

“General Organa is looking for you,” Finn announced. 

“Are you going to be okay, sweetheart?” Poe asked you.

“I’ll be fine,” you insisted. “It’s just a bump on the head.”

“Hey, Bee, stay with her okay?”

“Poe...”

“I’ll check in on you later.”

Finn smiled at you, awkwardly, and then leaving BB-8 behind to watch over you, he followed after Poe. Once they were out of the med bay and on their way to the bridge, he spoke. “You said that the First Order tracked us?”

Poe nodded. “Yeah... some kind of light speed tracker. When...when I left the bridge before you found me... one of our top mechanics was working on finding a way to disable it. But first, we need to get access codes and a shuttle to get on to the Supremacy.” 

His eyes went wide. “Supreme Leader Snoke’s ship?” Finn sputtered. This was very, very serious if Snoke had shown up. 

The pilot grimly nodded. “Yep. We learned that the tracker is generating from that ship, it’s only tracking the Raddus, which means the rest of the fleet made it to the next base safely. But we can’t jump to light speed and join them without the First Order following us.”

“Can you warn them?”

“Leia’s nervous that a transmission to them might be traced as well--I don’t blame her.”

“So... what’s the plan?”

“Once we know how to disable the tracker, we’re sneaking onboard that ship.”

Finn stopped walking. “You’re insane!”

Poe turned on his heel. “My dad jokes that’s my middle name.”

Shaking his head, Finn sighed, “Do you know what will happen to any of you if you sneak onboard that ship? Poe, you’d be executed. It would probably be broadcast for public display to scare the reset of the galaxy into submission.”

Placing his hands on his hips, Poe set his jaw. “I know that, Finn. It’s a risk I’m willing to take--it’s a risk a lot of us are willing to take. We might be the galaxy’s last hope at freedom, at restoring the Republic. There are a lot of lives depending on us.” He saw the fear flash in Finn’s eyes and dropped his hands. “Listen, I understand why you’re nervous. They took your identify from you--your life from you--but you’re here with us now, where you belong.”

-----

You wanted to get up; BB-8 ratted you out every time and the medics made you stay in bed. You were seriously cursing Poe for having his droid stay by your side while he went to speak to Leia. “BeeBee, I’m fine. Please, I need to get out of here. I’m bored.”

BB-8 firmly blurted no. You wondered if the little droid had ever said no to Poe a day in his life. You hated to just sit idly around--BB-8 probably knew that better than anyone. Of course, there wasn’t like there was much for you to do around the ship. The hanger was gone--all those people were gone. You feel the panic begin to bubble up inside of you as that familiar feeling of survivor’s guilt washed over you. 

Slamming your eyes shut you did the breathing exercises that Poe had taught you for when he was away on missions. Deep breath in, count to ten, deep breath out. Repeat. You did this several times before you finally felt some what calm. When you opened your eyes, you saw that BB-8 was still standing loyally by you, watching you closely. “Okay, since you’re insisting on staying here--why not tell me a story, Bee?”

“No time for stories, Bee,” Poe said, sweeping into your room. 

“What’s going on?” you asked, noticing that Finn wasn’t with him.

“We figured out how to disable that tracker.”

“Tracker?”

Poe recalled that you had not been present when he told Finn about the First Order tracking the ship at light speed. “Somehow, General Hux is tracking us even through light speed.”

You nodded. “Yeah, they can easily install one through a spy I’m sure--disabling them is the hard part--usually they’re heavily encrypted and can only be disabled from the Supreme Leader’s ship. The codes are incredibly difficult to decipher--when the First Order took over my planet I was forced to work on creating those codes.”

He smiled at you, his eyes filling with affection. “I told Leia you were the one.”

Confused, you looked at BB-8. “The one for what?”

“Our codebreaker.”

“Me? You want me to be the codebreaker?”

“Yes. Leia’s contacting Maz Kanata now--to see if she knows someone that can get us on the Supreme Leader’s ship.”

BB-8 whistled, lowly. You swallowed--you’d never left the safety of the base before getting on the Raddus, now Poe was asking you to go on a mission.

Poe saw the anxiety that ran through your eyes. He sat down on the cot with you and took your chin in his hand, forcing you to look at him. “Y/N, I trust you with my life--you can do this. And I’ll be right there. I won’t let them hurt you. I promise.”

Leaning into his touch, you closed your eyes. You had no doubt that Poe would protect you--with his life if he had too--but that didn’t make you any less terrified of the potential of sneaking on board the Supreme Leader’s ship to disable that tracker. And if you couldn’t disable it? The people on the Raddus were doomed. 

You felt Poe’s lips brush against your temple. “Darling, you can do this. I know you can. You’re braver than you give yourself credit for, you know that?”

“Do you really think so?”

“I do; you fled the First Order with nothing but the clothes on your back to join the Resistance. That takes guts, sweetheart.”

“This is our only chance, right?”

“We have a back-up plan, but yes, this could be our only chance.”

Opening your eyes, you set your jaw. “Then I’ll do it, Poe. I’ll crack that code to save the Raddus.”