#and i just couldnt leave today
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Not to be dramatic, but life is cruel.
#i really needed him today#i dont know why but i got so panicky at work because i literally felt like i couldnt leave without him#and of course it simply cannot be#i was doing so good accepting that i truly cannot be with him no matter how much i wish#and then he had to fucking talk to me#ive had no comfort lately at all and have to sit there and know hes across the fucking hall from me#and he used to be my safe place#and all i wanted all day was to sit with him#and i just couldnt leave today#i waited for ten minutes in my car and then tried to leave but i was so panicky i was confused and i physically couldnt leave#i looped and went back up to the building even though i knew there was no sneaky way to start a conversation and nothing would come of it#i had to call my ex to distract me so i wouldnt start crying and so i had a reason to sit in the parking lot#and He came out twice#i tried to get off the phone in time for the second time he came out and i couldnt and i had to watch him pull away#cried my whole way home and almost entered into the panic attack#now i have no appetite and i dont want to make dinner#tomorrows friday and that means the last day i see him until Mon and we havent talked at all since the last talk so im going crazy w pain#and i wont even be there the whole day tomorrow because therapy (thank god i need it)#but the worst part is#none of it fucking matters#because nothing changes and i have to work on reaccepting that i. dont. get. to be. with. him. ever. and it doesnt matter that we both#were in love with each other#life is cruel#and beautiful#but fucking cruel#i have been waiting my entire life for this connection#my heart and mind are so heavy#i literally couldn't even speak a coherent sentence i was so just like...confused from my panic#it was strange#im still trying to process what even was happening
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hey gorju
s
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 3#yakuza series#yakuza 3#yoshitaka mine#snap sketches#i have not drawn him in two months so in celebration of beatin y3 twice today i am drawing him#i always miss drawing him... im just so distratcted and i never know what to doodle with him#i was just gonna post the sketch of this but i just couldnt leave it LMAO#so :] just some quick linework and colors and w/e yessir
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animal death cw //
might be slowing down for real soon. we’re (tentatively) making plans to put spike down next week or sooner, depending on if he can recover today
#im not surprised and ive honestly been processing this for a while now bc hes on borrowed time as is#this is why i havent posted pics of him. he looks and feels awful and it feels wrong to post that online#but todays been awful for him. he hasnt eaten much the past two days and he couldnt keep down what he has eaten#his nose is dry#im just sitting with him right now making sure my brothers leave him alone and to have someone by him#idk if ill be less online bc honestly going online and ignoring reality is sorta My Thing but this combined w current events is just#a bit much for me so i may retreat into a healthier thing instead#echoed voice
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sunrise ☀️
#YAYYYYY YIPPEE MY TREAT FOR DOING TASKS TODAY. FINALLY LETTING MYSELF DRAW SOMETHING#THIS WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL PLAN FOR THE DRAWING AT ALL BUT THIS IS BETTER I THINK#it's not perfect but That's Okay i'm allowed to post art that isn't my best (<- affirmations)#it's been a while since i used that brush :D i couldnt see myself making a background without it so i just. didnt even try JHDJGH#dante was described on priv as chewy btw i just need to let that be known. im glad bc i was going for squishy slime creature#sb#my art#rising sun#technoblade#(that is techno btw! just in the rising sun gear so 99% of him is covered jhdjgh)#i was gonna include energy being sent to him to from the players scattered around. ya know like how the dialogue goes#but then i finished part of it and decided to leave it alone bc i liked that way more#just pretend that all the mana has already been sent his way. pictures taken moments before disaster (for dante)
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Post of the day
#that Tek drawing is some of my finest work guys#the dark crystal#the dark crystal: age of resistance#skektek#skeksa#Sa drawing was gonna be fullbody but i couldnt be bothereddd heyyy#ive drank so much irn bru today im going crazey#the after taste is like slightly weird so you drink more of it and then it leaves the after taste and its just an endless cycle
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#guys (neutral) i have made a mistake#theres a guy in my classes whos also pakistani (but like FROM pakistan) and from generally the same areas as my family i guess#and we're the only two in the class (for context the other desis who make up the majority of the class are all indian international student#and i know that im a friendly person#but i fear that i made a connection with this guy too quick#and have given him the wrong idea#idk if hes just attached to me bc im the only other pakistani or that AND bc ive accidentally led him on or smthg without even realising#like he will hover near me and will only leave when i leave (and its gotten so bad over like 3 days that my other classmate noticed ->#and was like ... girl yk hes attached himself to u right#asdhjkasldadhajkldadhajsd#anyways thats besides the point#hes rly nice so i feel bad asdkjlasd;adjkl;adadjksd (and he doesnt rly have any friends here besides family and classmates so im giving ->#him the benefit of the doubt#and yall today was the only day i left class and he wasnt right beside me bc i think he left to do smthg#and i went to help anther girl get to her car#and i guess because he couldnt say bye to me (esp since its the weekend now) he started DMing me on instagram#there are more details but i will spare yall for now bc the ig messagse are whats makign me more worried <3333#anyways gn#mehrtalks
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Ugh. She literally. Is upset that I dont always like her. Like she hasn't. Given me. Two different kinds of trauma. Across many instances. And has not changed that behavior significantly.
Like. I told her not to drink. Because she gets even worse with boundaries when she drinks. And she responded with. Saying its weird that I dont like her. Like. I havent just. Told you. Why.
And I respond with saying. That its not like I dont like her. Its just that I dont want her to drink around me. Thats all.
She also has told me. To my face. That she hates me <3 so
#-cass#Ugh#I sent her to hang out with a friend today because I couldnt take it anymore#this would be the first time they've willingly hung out with a friend without me#since we've started dating well over a year ago#and its because they decided that today was the day to quit smoking#and have not left me a moment to myself today#after I told them last night. all of this.#implying that my boundaries are important.#I went to the other room to be alone and they followed me#and then I told them I wanted to be alone and they didnt leave??#I'm just so fucking stressed I need a moment to myself.#I probably sound a little insane rn... idk... if so feel free to call me out on it.#I just dont know how to deal.
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i remember when me and my siblings were helping my dad pack up to move apartments one of us accidentally packed his full inhaler with the empty ones and we brought that box of inhalers to the new place and drove back to the old one and when my dad found out he said "ill just let myself die if i have an asthma attack" and then later in the night he did have an asthma attack and i had to call an ambulance for him and when they got there they helped him with his stupid asthma and then had to help me because i was having a panic attack bc i thought i had put the inhaler in the wrong box and it wouldve been my fault if he died. i was 15
#racing!#dad doesnt remember this. but i do#he also called me once out of nowhere and said he 'might die today' and that he would leave a will somewhere i could find it and just ??#hung up???? and DIDNT CALL ME BACK FOR 5 HOURS#and when his sorry ass finally picked the phone up again he was like lol sorry my bitch wife wanted me to clean leaves off the roof#SIR I DONT CARE??? YOU DONT CALL YOUR KID AND SAY SHIT LIKE THAT ON A RANDOM ASS WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON??#but anyways hes threatened me and my siblings w his own untimely demise multiple times throughout our lives#another fun childhood memory was when i asked him why he couldnt come to my birthday party when i was 9ish and he said#and i quote#'would you prefer if i hanged myself'#NO WTF I WAS 9!!!!!!! I MISSED MY DAD!!!!! /IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I WANTED YOU THERE AND YOU DIDNT SHOW UP/#literally didnt even want a gift. i just wanted my dad to say happy birthday to me#even little shit stays the same huh...... (he didnt say happy birthday to me rhis year either)
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New Employee aquired today
My manager: Hey Grace maybe you can show NE some things, but don't overwhelm her
Me:
Me: so like. make sure it's not a repeat of my first day???
#like maam ive worked here for barely a month you know this#and my first ever shift was 8 hours and CLOSING#i did a lil bit of everything my first day why do you think im so adaptable to what you need now???#anyways i had NE help shred chicken cause we needed more and then i couldnt even use it bc we were out of the salad kit 🙃#today twas a long day#i was supposed to do subs but literally worked on salads all day cause we were so short staffed#a coworker who YESTERDAY asked for a shift today never showed up. our manager had to open and was barely through salads when i got there#(3 hours after open)#me and manager tackled customer service and did as many tasks as we could (specifically distress and make salads)#(i learned how to do temps)#morning cook stayed late WITHOUT TAKING A BREAK to bring back some stuff we needed#closing cook got sick and left when me and NE did leaving i assume 2 store managers (maybe just 1) and one coworker to close#we so short staffed they had a job fair JUST FOR OUR DEPARTMENT.#anywho#ive also been up technically since 1-2am. i got extra 1 hour between then and 5:30am before i had to get up. i went to bed at 9pm#so. ive been tired all day but since i dont have work tomorrow im gonna stay up late and chill#amber's shit you can ignore
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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praying and crying pl decent job with decent pay come back to me and or be listed i cant work at this arcade anymore LOL
#candyredtext#today kicked my aaaasss.#me and one other prsn in my dept and one in each of the other two#its still spring break so we were SWAMPED#on top of havbing to reestock the prize room AND the crane machines#6 were down just cus we didnt have prizes in them (inventory was this weekend so we couldnt restock SHIT)#so it fell on the only two ppl working today (one from open to 2:30#and then me until 4 when someone else came in and i could FINALLY leave the counter n restock the cranes#and had to reset up a bunch and just#god. god. god. there is SO MUCH more physical labor and running around because we are understaffed/way too busy#and the new management SUCKS#and uc sof that we are losing the valuable ppl n stuck w the SHITTY ONES!!#uauguhg.#also the customers genuinely insane they get crazier every week i s2g
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without doubt one of the worst things about bratz dolls is that you cannot display them without shoes bc they look weird as fuck. stumpy ass bitches
#tales from diana#i bought some bratz w a walmart giftcard my brother got me for my birthday... like months ago#my birthday is in april so i probably bought them like may or june#i opened yasmin today and i really gotta wash her hair it's a gelly mess#lookin like a rat's nest fuckin... it's bad mga wtf#it's the forever bratz yasmin from this year btw not a reproduction#i did also get the reproduction of campfire felicia bc it was also there and the same price#and like honestly she was lookin so cute and tbh she was a better deal lol she came w two outfits so yeah#you know yasmin was my favorite design of the forever bratz but the doll itself is somewhat cheaper than i was expecting her to be#ppl always praise mga for having higher quality than playline barbie these days but like... i kept thinking#hmmm if this had come out in the 2000s this doll would've had a fabric purse and not a hard plastic one#this lace on the front would actually be able to open and not just be glued there#whatever she's still cute i really love her#but i did have that first experience in such a long time. like since childhood. where i just take off some bratz shoes#and i'm like NO FEET! NO FEET! NO FEET! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH#PUT IT BACK!!!!!!#they look more than just naked. they look injured#i used to treat my bratz clothing completely differently than my barbie clothing as a kid bc they felt so much less interchangeable lol#i had a million barbies and a million barbie outfits and i really did not care to keep anything on a particular doll#w my couple of bratz that i had in childhood i really had to be careful where those outfit pieces ended up. couldnt leave em undressed#i suppose that still hasn't changed#you know one of these days i have to get myself a new funk-n-glow jade. she was my first bratz#but also one of these days....... i gotta wash yasmin's hair 😒
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We did it... we manifested a new Jo card... god bless
YO LET'S GOOOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
praying to RNJesus that my pull luck is just as strong as it was when i was going for masato.. (╯x╰)
IMMUNE TO CHARM his ass is NOT beating the allegations at this rate ☠️☠️☠️☠️☠️
#snap chats#my dms and mentions have been nothing but jo this morning and i couldnt be happier jsVLKJAL#bros literally putting the 'gay' in 'allegations' i cant with this rgg aint even tryna be subtle anymore (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) LMAO#crying at the thought of saeko all 'ichi nothing i do's working' and ichi just. Fuck I Forgot 🏳️🌈👁️👁️ LKJLKJA#just reminded me of a dream i had where i was texting my dad (which is hilarious since i got a text from him a few mins ago)#n it was just our standard 'Sorry I Couldnt See You Today We'll Try Next Time' exchange but for some goonish reason there was an attachmen#like 'petition to bring Mr Arakawa home' which leads me to believe arakawa was my dad in the dream...#...but now i think it was a roundabout prophecy if you catch my cold JFLKJV#ANYWAY. have to leave my house for the day again so i WILL be trying to pull... please let it be virtually-first-try like last time#itll be really funny rggo cmon..... do it fr me bro....
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twitter is entering their "rts > likes" phase now that likes are private after they spent years calling us ungrateful for being demotivated by ratios lmao
#man fuck yall just support artists you enjoy#dont attack people who dont rb/rt your art (hell they might even have it scheduled) but also dont constantly demand ''content'' from people#ESPECIALLY without telling them that you appreciate the effort they put in to show you cool things they made for free#you should've been rt'ing/rb'ing from the START 😒 just show people you care!#im just waiting to scroll through post after post of ppl calling out ''entitled artists'' lmao#btw my opinion on the whole thing is painfully neutral if you couldnt tell#i dont think you should care that much about numbers and ppl take it wayyyyyy too far#throwback to that one guy who personally @ everyone who didnt reblog their art that was CRAZY. i would straight up report you KJFGHKG#i also understand and have personally experienced how much engagement can change your mood#a simple ''i love this!'' can make someone's day. it's not hard to understand why ppl like engagement#when they make post after post without so much as a little tag they dont care about sharing anymore#the fact that people call that ''entitlement'' is also crazy#i have a lot of drawings i havent posted or just left nonrebloggable bc it really doesnt make a difference lmao#the only ones i leave rebloggable are the ones that i Know will do well and get attention. like the little pig redraw#if it's cute or funny it gets positive attention. anything else is shit on here lmao#it's just not as fun to share. it either leads to no engagement or negative engagement#would rather have nothing than something rude so whatever#some ppl say it's always been like this but no it absolutely was not always like this#idk what exactly caused the change. probably a lot of factors#could even just be the fandoms i hang around in! but considering i've seen the same sentiment from a bunch of ppl i doubt it's that#the best solution to no engagement is to just make friends and have fun#but 90% of the internet is hostile and negative and rude for no fucking reason#when i unfollowed someone on my old public twitter and they @ me over it. damn i dont know why but NOW i know why 😭#this post has gone way off course im just ranting at this point. i havent talked in a while hi how have you guys been#work was a lot yesterday and today is too slow (im not at work im just going crazy in my house)#(and i cant leave my house bc there's construction blocking the road someone save me)#chat
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#i am slowly but surely getting worse again and i am truly uncertain how to/if i can stop it#woke up a couple hours late today and then i couldnt/wouldnt get up for another 3 hours#now im struggling with a huge amount of shame around it. why??????#like to the point where i considered just going back to my room and not leaving all day#ugh. whatever#its fine!!! its regular!! it says nothing about my intrinsic value as a person!! or my value to the people around me!!#this is a value neutral thing to have happen!
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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