#im still trying to process what even was happening

[sturn5iolo]

BECOMING THIS

synopsis: you and matt broke up and now your slowly losing yourself, and becoming someone you hate.

pairing: ex! matt sturniolo x f!reader

warnings: angst (not really) , drinking / drugs , use of y/n (i’m sorry)

you grab another plastic red cup, filing it with random alcohol siting on the counters not even daring to look at what they are. taking the mixed concoction, chugging the whole thing in seconds. you feel the burn go down your throat as you stumble forward onto the cold counter of a strangers house. 

a few hours before, your friends had to beg you to come to this party. of course when they asked you were high off your mind and you agreed.

you feel your friend ava come up behind you, “hey do you wanna come sit with me, you don’t look too good..” she spoke in your ear.

“noooo im fine let me do what i want.” you slurred out to her, pouring yourself another drink. ava walked away not wanting to budge anymore.

you move your body to a couch nearby. a brunette boy sat on the farthest side of the couch, you sit down a few inches away from him. he had a joint in between his lips and a lighter in one of his hands, you watch him from the corner of your eye.

he takes one long drag before pulling it away from his lips, suddenly as he blows the smoke out he turns and faces you, “you wanna hit?” he asks. you scoot closer to him while slurring out a “okay..”

the unknown boy moves the joint from his lips to yours, watching closely as you inhale the smoke. after a few long hits and passing the joint back and forth, you start coughing, feeling the alcohol and weed start to mix together and make you cross faded.

while sitting with the boy, your other friend gia comes running towards you and grabbed your arm, “there you are! i was looking all over for you,” she yells out loud to you over the music, pulling you away.

as you get pulled around someone bumps into you, making you stumble backwards a bit. it was matt.

“oh my bad i didn-” he starts but cuts himself off as he looks at your face. “y/n.”

your lips form a straight line as you nod. matt takes in your bloodshot eyes and immediately understands what is up, “are you fucking high right now?”

you scoff at him and giggle, “none of your business.” you say walking outside but matt follows you, “uhm actually yes it is.” he defends.

feeling the cold air hit your body was a relief, “how matt we broke up like two months ago?” you question, still having the weed and alcohol in your system barely processing this conversation.

“because y/n, you always hated stuff like that! you would try convincing people not to drink or smoke and here you are!” matt says to you. he knows exactly why your doing all this, and it’s because of him. he’s the one who broke your heart.

“i don’t understand the problem matt.” you bluntly replied. “the problem is this! you becoming this! i know we’re broken up but i can’t live knowing this is happening.” he cried out to you.

you run your hands through your frizzy hair, “well that’s too bad matt. your going to have to.” you smile, walking off into the darkness with just your phone in hand.

a/n : this is so horrible but i’m posting it anyways erm first fic on this account 🥲👏

[miifu666]

What do you think suklha and Wukong kid would look like if they did have one ? 🤔 …..Celestial realm one fear after hearing those two are courting each other 👀

Theres 2 reasons, i believe they would have a child.

1. Yandere! Wukong AU.

2. It was an accident. A GENUINE accident

_____

CW : mentions of abortion, body dysphoria, weird descriptions of pregnancy, Im trying to write it as how Suklha would view it as so it might be uncomfortable, Pregnant Monkey Suklha Doodles?

Lets say its the Latter, should Suklha accidentally drank the water of fertility and somehow had sex with Wukong. She will try to abort the child, out of respect for their life, not out of disgust. Its a child thats created by a creature from within and outside of this universe, to bear one means to conceive a natural disaster. A sort of Red boy and his samadhi fire. But this time, it can sever through time and erase everything from History, a true personification of the end of death and end of life.

Even as Wukong tried to fight the logical side of Suklha, she would insist on not keeping the child. Preferring to care for the mountain cubs than creating such a trigger. "out of the safety for this wretched world" she would claim, but also a part of her is afraid of what outcome, what probability should come once she does give birth.

It is definitely something the Celestials wouldn't want happening. They'll stop at nothing to try and destroy a pregnant Suklha, in which case is also in monkey form. To ensure the child won't be an amalgamation of anthropod and mammal, a combination of two completely different animal kingdoms that shouldn't exist.

Throughout the pregnancy, Suklha would try to lay low with the cubs following her around, and a couple of Wukong's clones being at her beck and call. One would walk beside her, and the other stayed hidden, out of plain sight. Should Wukong have other businesses to attend to. Wearing long and loose garments to walk around the estate, Suklha tries to hide the wretching feeling of carrying something inside of her. She's already dealt with her identity crisis, and now the thought of something living and itching inside is giving her nausea at every second. The pregnancy won't last much, as the combination of her pure Centipede features and current Monkey form will take around 4-6 months.

Should the child come, it would be the day all hell broke loose. With the underworld using its knowledge on destroying Suklha's vessel, to the Celestials who would try and take the child away, only to keep it in a capsule buried deep within the earth's core. As they have planned, use anything in their arsenal to destroy whatever hope the Monkey king and the messenger have. In this time, Suklha checked the probability and successfully ran to one of the dragons that she kept in touch with. A plan that the celestials wouldn't figure out, to be an opposite of how you usually am. A dragon of the South, A Lady of the red who runs a small village as their protector.

Suklha would soon give birth in the village, particularly in one of the Lady Dragon's estate. While Wukong would try to fight off the several armies, theres a few fake clones of Suklha around Flower Fruit mountain hiding to act as a decoy. The laboring process is enough to shake the heavens. there's a slight tear in the fabric of the universe at each scream, small cracks forming around Suklha as she continues to push out the child inside of her.

I haven't thought much about the child, i think she'll be someone who is spiteful and energetic (as she should, her parents basically are. It should be a genetic trait atp) but still friendly and cheerful, a glance of her attitude, and you'd never expect she'll scream and curse like a sailor with a cheeky face.

Connsidering both of her own parents are revered gods and beings, she would be bold enough to not get intimidated by mere threats. Prone to lashing out violently, should things "isn't logical at all!!"Despite her bold and strong-willed attitude, she's smart enough to understand the things her mom would give. A small advice and she'll see it how her mom would do it.

A contradiction is what she is. Appear cold and withdrawn when you see her around, yet quickly changes once she warms up to you. Showing a more childlike and jovial side. Someone who shines like the sun under daylight, a being unlike any other beneath the moonlight.

A child who has both the ability of Sun Wukong and Suklha, a mix of Trickery and Knowledge. A child of Sorcery, eager to spread knowledge through the world, she is the reason why humanity is hell bent on discovery the maddness within the void. The truth behind the lies, since her birth humanity has been deriven to madness and delusions far more often than it should.

[pepprs]

hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.

when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)

but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.

all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)

that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂

im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.

i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.

one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!

2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗

[dennistakesamentalhealthday]

the nancy boy thing is just so fucking insane because like. they broke from the spelling of this name to do it but also incorporated it into the spelling of his name with n for nancy (possibly showing how he associates it with himself). but the license plate could have been any letter and that letter could have been any word and they chose b for boy. they could have cut to the license plate from any letter in dennis and they chose n for nancy. and we already know the way dennis spells out his name/words in this scene is very important metaphorically they showed us with that alternate D.E.N.N.I.S. system he gives us so.....they did that on purpose and drew attention to it

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

[toytulini]

it is baffling to me that ppl keep insisting "if its not sprite then what IS it tho?" and seemingly do not...retain the recipes that are being shared. like you dont have to memorize them its just repeatedly "is lemonade not sprite though? how is it not sprite?"

"its lemon juice, water, and sugar"

"is it not the same as sprite?" no we just told u. does that sound like sprite to you. does sprite give you the vibe of juicing some lemons on a hot summer day? the lemonade version closest to Sprite over here, in terms of Being Lemonade, is still Notably Different from sprite, or any other soda, is probably Minute Maid, a highly processed branded lemonade that you can occasionally get from soda fountains (DESPITE! NOT BEING CARBONATED! similar to how they somehow dispense iced or sweet tea from soda fountains) it sometimes comes in a can or 2L bottle similar to soda, in the soda isle. and its Not Soda. its not Carbonated. its Trying To Pretend So Hard To Be Real Lemonade. it tastes like lemonade thats a bit sad. it is far more lemonade than SPRITE will ever be. if yall were simply insisting that lemonade is carbonated, that it was like, fizzy minute maid, that would be less offensive than calling sprite lemonade. which is Insane. good god.

[fellhellion]

90s run PAD has this rlly annoying trend where he very often write a female character being in love w miguel and suddenly her entire character shrinks down to the scope of what drama this provokes and it's near continually in service to the narratives of men (Gabriel and Miguel interpersonal drama for example). even when there are actually interesting things to be mined from this angle like w lyla its like. this is a pattern w you dude.

[cinnabeat]

i love how kh games are just sometimes psychological horrors

[phagodyke]

looking up info on keloid scarring is so helpful. thanks man I didn't think of trying that one

[danothan]

i keep wondering why my schedule has been so wonky lately as if i didn’t quite literally get into a car crash less than a week ago

[gibbearish]

> be me

> never send asks bc im scared ill mess something up

> type up lots of asks but never end up sending them

> finally type up an ask i feel like i can send

> check over it a dozen times to make sure im not missing anything

> send

> didn't actually read urls right

> sent ask to wrong person entirely

> mfw

[mell0bee]

perhaps i shouldnt say anything bc im not caught up but that imogen design..... hmmmm.

[caffeinatedopossum]

When I had that panic attack the other day, my girlfriend really put some things into perspective... I don't know, I think I feel bad because this is the best my life has ever been and I'm still depressed and anxious. It feels like I can't do anything for myself and the things I can do, I don't.

But she said that she would feel the same in my position. That actually, when she was the most depressed, she *was* in my position. She said she'd go crazy from not being able to do anything all the time and for some reason that helped a lot. Like, just to hear that its not wrong to feel like this and that I really am doing everything I can.

It feels so greedy and selfish to look at my life being the best it's ever been and to still ask for more but I guess it's normal.

[bluewinnerangel]

Twitter larries are having a “discourse” or whatever its called over the fact that some larries said larries don’t like Chicago cuz they can’t make it about it about larry and then others were like thats not true people just have different music tastes. And i have say i agree I don’t like Chicago, I don’t hate it but its not my favourite. Not because i can’t make it about larry but its just not for me. People need to understand that were here cuz we like their music not just to make their songs or everything they do about each other.

Everything about this is just funny to me. Just a bigass pile of assumptions here.

Anyway track-by-track soon I hope he tells us absolutely nothing about the meaning of any of the songs <3

[krumbaphant]

gonna scream

[platinum-horizons]

4

edit: 4 was NOT supposed to be there i dont know how it happened

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.