#and i feel more forgiving of myself and learning my boundaries

[snakesnifter]

i havent been text posting much but i recently got the job that gives me the huge financial aid bonus in school and i am sooo happy my student account is in the negatives !!!

[fish-and-forbear]

Really just hope things will be okay. I know they will be, I know I have always done all I could with the information and means I had but.

Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.

Just need to learn to forgive myself and move on, with many many things

- Fisher

[pinksobg]

How to atract better the lover|love you so deserve

already in a relationship and single reading

for reflection only. hope it resonates and you enjoy. hope you all are doing very well :)

pile one - singles -

dolphin - 20 - true.

When meeting someone new, preferably tell the truth from the beginning and don't settle for anything less than respect for the person you are from the beginning. The advice is to be spontaneously you, the carefree energy, being true to your personalities and tastes. "I like this, I like that, I don't like this".

hermit - get to know yourself, and you can even reinvent yourself or, better yet, another skill or quality of yours, valuing your individuality.

the moon reverse - the tip is to also think about the practical, logical and tangible world and not just (and only) feelings. a balance between reason and emotion is advisable.

6 of Wands reversed - if necessary, correct your postures that harmed you in the past.

-----

in a relationship -

v

27 - fox - think quickly

30 - grasshopper - take a leap of faith

The advice from the cards here are basically to invest in your relationship. analyzing the responses you give to your partner on a daily basis or when you meet. If you tend to respond impulsively to a text message, for example, when you're angry, try taking a step back: take a break to do something else and then analyze the situation again: "Should I really talk like that?" "Now, do I understand myself and my partner better?"

about the grasshopper. Both, seek to strengthen trust in the relationship. whether with open conversations or questions, like, "what do you think we can improve in our relationship?"

I wish the best for you! If necessary, seek professional help. trust yourself. 

-------------------------------------------------

pile 2 - singles -

39 - moth - surrender.

connect with your spirituality.

38 - lizard - make your dream come true.

The advice is to go after a dream, especially if it's a good old dream that you still want to fulfill. It can also be going to a place, doing a hobby that you've always dreamed of, when and if possible.

what great messages!

hierophant - if you want, try to avoid listening to the unnecessary judgments and prejudices of others. live well according to your values, value them, if you want, value and/or invest in your lifestyle.

king of wands - take action when necessary and do the things you are passionate about, or add passion/love/appreciation towards your actions.

7 of Wands - stay true to yourself, protect yourself with healthy boundaries.

-- in a relationship -

oh, yes!

31 - groundhog - time to forget

reverse judgement, page of hearts, the fool, 7 of hearts, 4 of hearts.

well then! the message is apparently advice to learn to forgive your partner if necessary and if you want to<. especially if there are past hurts. learn to forgive and be forgiven. either with a frank conversation and/or inner meditation on the events.

It is advisable here to connect with new people: friends, family. even beloved animals. Receiving loving energy from other people or areas of your life can be beneficial to your healing process.

explore more, have a snack with a friend, visit family, pet a beloved animal, whatever you want. take yourself for going out.

If you like the idea, talk to your partner about it, about forgiveness and each other being able to have a good moment of individuality if this is your case (or one of these is your case).

I wish all the best! Seek professional help if necessary. take good care of yourself.

----------------------------------------

pile 3 - singles -

oh! sharpen mind! good!

38 - lizard - make your dream come true

Ask yourself what your ideal life, your ideal relationship, would be like. How can you contribute to your good dreams right now?

12 - canary - sing your own song

invest in self-love and listening to yourself

queen of spades - again, assertiveness and honesty in your reading. Don't accept less than you deserve and speak for yourself when you want/necessary

10 of swords - if you want, heal yourself from past pains; as with good physical and mental rest

hope you be a lot of happy!

-----

in a relationship -

31 - groundhog - time to forget

24 - eel - bring your ideas to life

the advice in the cards is to learn to also listen to your voice in the relationship, also value yourself, your ideas. You are also a person who deserves to be heard and valued. Another piece of advice from the cards is to learn to forgive and be forgiven. These achievements, improving the relationship, if you wish, can be done with a little more self-love, investigation of your own feelings, desires, needs and ideas. Don't feel alone and seek help if necessary and desired. open and calm communication, preferably, about these important issues such as forgiveness, emotional responsibility, etc., can help your relationship if that is the need. remember that you are important and valid.

If necessary, seek professional help and be very happy, giving yourself more peace and a voice.

[shkudss]

Weakened by Eywa Pt. 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Masterlist

Summary: Ao'nung finally realizes that his actions have consequences

Warnings: curse words, bullying, mental breakdown, English isn't my first language

Author's note: guys I’m so sorry that I didn’t tagged those who voted in the poll😭 I had no idea that it’s anonymous and you can’t see those who vote🥲 I’m really really sorry!!! Please, text me or comment if you want to be tagged. I hope you won’t get upset by this

Yawntutsyip - darling, little loved one

Yaymak - foolish, ignorant

Tsmukan - brother

Sa’nu - mommy

Metiyawn - love (plural)

“Now you can’t call me helpless, water boy.” After finally learning how to ride ilu, you were really playful, swimming with Ao’nung.

“Yeah, that’s because I was your teacher. Otherwise you would be helpless.” Light smile was on his face as he was talking to you. “Hey, who first reaches that stone will be the winner!”

It was really sudden game, but you managed to react fast. Even though your swimming skills improved significantly, you still were far from Ao’nung’s skills. He was way faster and was already standing on that huge stone and looking down at you. His skin was lighter on the sun.

“Come here, I’ll help you” you were about to thank him, but then he added “Loser” and chuckled at your unpleased face.

“Hey! You’re stronger than me and you are water na’vi. I’ll look at you running on the trees and trying to keep your balance with that thick tail!” You pushed his shoulder a little when he helped you to climb up.

“Yeah, I would probably be loser in the forest. I remember you almost killing me that day, I didn’t even recognize you at first. You were in your element and I understood that you’re actually strong. Surprisingly, not really loser.” Ao’nung laughed at last sentence and you pushed him again, but also had fun.

“Yeah, forest is my home. I don’t know how it is possible for people to claim that sea is their home. We’re actually different as you said before.” You sat on the warm stone and looked at the sunset.

“Yes, but we’re still all na’vis, children of Eywa and I didn’t understand it before.” Ao’nung joined you, you were so close that your shoulders were touching each other. “Y/N, you know I’m really sorry what what I did and said. Even though you said you forgave me, I, myself cannot forget it.” His aquatic eyes were looking far at the horizon.

“You don’t need to forget it, you must forgive yourself. I forgive you, but I will never forget about it and that’s not bad. You need to learn from your and others’ mistakes. It is your life and experience. But it is also your choice how to react on all these things happening to you. I could choose not to forgive you and I would be a lifelong burden for both of us. You could choose to be blind and not see anything wrong in your actions and it would break me and my family more and more. But we made our decisions and we’re here now, being friends and having this conversation. It is because we choose peace. Inside us and around us.” You placed your hand on his chest, explaining your thoughts and forgetting about boundaries.

Ao’nung didn’t respond to you, but placed his hand over yours on his chest. You looked up at him and met his gaze. It was so intimate, you could feel the whole atmosphere between you changing vitally. You wanted to remove your hand, but he didn’t let you do this, holding it solidly.

“What are you doing, Ao’nung? Why are you looking at me like this?” All your confidence and playfulness disappeared.

You could feel him examining you. Your eyes, your hair, you lips, your hands. Ao’nung wanted to look at you all day long. Enjoying your beauty and wisdom. You captured his heart, his soul not even knowing about it.

“If you were the Sun, I would burn my eyes but keep looking at you every day. If you were a bird, I would spend all days in the forest listening to you.” He took your other hand, stroking it softly. “I know I hurt you deeply and I know it might be too early to say that as we’ve recently just came to peace. But I don’t know how I can live another day keeping it inside. You told that it is my choice how to react on things happening to me. This thing has been making me crazy for so long and I finally made my choice, Y/N.”

You felt your heart blowing inside of you. You didn’t know what to do or to say. Ao’nung was looking at you for a couple of seconds and then his face got as close to yours that you could feel his warm breath. Your knees felt weak at that type of closeness. One second and he leaves a little kiss in the corner of your lips.

Your eyes widened, breath is our of control. He looks right into your eyes, trying to catch your emotions. Ao’nung is also nervous, but he can’t show it to you since he is a future warrior, Olo'eyktan of the Metkayina. He wants to look strong and mighty in front of you.

“Y/N…”

“I… I need…” all words left your mind “I need to think it over.”

And you left him, running away from that stone. You didn’t even notice how you ended up riding ilu back to your marui. Your heartbeat was going crazy every time you remembered his lips on yours.

“What’s going on..?” You placed your hand on your heart trying to calm down. “Why my heart is beating so fast?”

“Y/N, are you okay?”

Mother’s voice distracted you. She knew something was wrong, you looked shocked. Even your hands were shaking a little.

“What happened? Someone annoyed you?”

“No, I just… I think I have feelings, but I’m not sure.” Neytiri led you to the Marui, looking at you worried.

“You mean feelings to a boy?”

“Yes, he kissed me.” It was hard for you to tell the truth, especially to your mom. You were embarrassed.

“Who was that?” Neytiri was actually excited to know that you’re getting used to the life here. You build your own story here.

“I’m not ready to tell it yet. But I don’t know what to do. He kissed me in the corner of my lips and I ran away. Is he going to hate me?” Helpless look on your face made your mom feel the wave of love. You’re still a kid who is getting through first romantic feeling.

“It’s okay, don’t worry. If he had true feelings to you he won’t be mad.” Her words easined your heart. “But you have to talk to him and explain everything, if you really value him.”

“Okay, thank you sa’nu.” You hugged Neytiri. You really needed it. “I will go for a walk. I need to think about everything.”

“Okay, but don’t be out for too long. You better be home before the eclipse.”

***

You’d been sitting in your place in the forest for the past 2 hours and trying to understand what you feel. That kiss put you out of your stride completely. You wouldn’t even think about having feelings to Ao’nung if he didn’t do this.

These days, every time you got physically close to each other you felt a little awkward and shy which is unusual for you. This never happened with Roxto or other guys.

“Do I like him?” As you asked yourself you felt your heartbeat increasing.

“Y/N, what are you doing here? We’ve been looking for you.” You saw Neteyam coming out from the bushes.

“Sorry, I was just thinking, this place is peaceful.” You moved a little to let your brother sit next to you. “I thought it’s my secret place, but I guess it’s not.”

“Yeah, sorry.” He looked at you apologizing. “What are you thinking about? I see you’re worried.”

“I don’t think you would like to hear it.”

“C’mon, I’m your big brother. I won’t get mad, promise.” He patted you on the head, waiting for your speech.

“I think, I have feelings to Ao’nung.” you were really cautious when revealed the truth. “He kissed me today and I don’t know what to do.”

You were afraid to look at him. Silence made you nervous.

“I see.”

Neteyam looked thoughtful. You had no idea what’s going on in his mind. For you his opinion on this was the most important. You really needed his support as an older brother.

“Talk to him.”

————————————————————————

A/N: Heyyy! I hope you liked it! I’m so happy for their developing relationships and that everyone is so supportive🥹 I’m really excited about next part! I think it’s going to be the last one, but we’ll see! I have ideas for some one-shots and I can’t wait to finish think work and write them🙈 Also, sorry for the delay, I’m really busy at school these days🥲

Taglist: @elegantkidfansoul @ijwsbdinp @universal-s1ut @myh3artt @lynbubble @jjkclub @kenzi-woycehoski @marvellover4 @ssc7514 @stvrligghtt @johfaam @simplecole18 @flavaliz @chrisbelle @bajadotcom @jak3suiiyscvmslvt @a--1--1--3 @roxannedaybreakermidnight @aonungmyaddiction @neteyamsmate4life @boilingpots @fanboyluvr @zilena9 @maxiel4life

I couldn’t tag those, whose nicknames are in red:(

[reimeichan]

Hey guys.

It does get better.

I know what it's like to be drowning in a sea of trauma and pain. The ocean is so vast and deep and you feel like you'll never get out. You feel yourself sinking more and more into despair, with no end in sight.

I didn't think I would ever make it out. And yeah, I'm still not out of it. I keep getting dragged back under when another wave of depression hits me or I get too close to a traumatic memory that I trigger myself.

But... things have finally become easier.

I've learned how to swim, just a little. I learned some new coping mechanisms, to help me get through the worst of it. Coping mechanisms that aren't going to hurt me in the way my old ones have. I've learned how to recognize and process through my emotions. I've noticed some of my negative cognitions and am actively working on undoing them.

And in the process, I've noticed a lot of things starting to change for me. My window of tolerance for distress has gone up. I can actually notice when I'm in a rough spot, and instead of beating myself up for not being good enough I forgive myself and let myself rest. I have learned how to manage my emotions in a way that they no longer control me. My personal relationships have gone better, as my ability to communicate with others have gone up. I can set proper boundaries and not feel like I'm a terrible person for doing so. And I can enforce those boundaries if I need to.

I rely less on dissociation now, to manage my life. And the things that are still causing me problems, I am working on improving. I have tools to handle my memory issues and resources to help with my time management.

I still have a lot of work to do, of course. I still get triggered, but I know better how to manage myself when I'm in that state. I still have bad times, but they are far fewer than they used to be, and they don't last as long as they used to. And they don't feel as all-encompassing as before. And now... I actually feel like there's an end in sight. It's far out on the horizon and barely visible through all the fog, but I know it's there. And that gives me hope to keep on going.

To everyone else out there struggling: I know how hard it is. And I know how frustrating and futile it might feel, to try so hard and to make what looks like so little progress. But it is so, so worth it. To be able to live life, to enjoy your life and feel like you're thriving and not surviving... I can't really describe it. But it feels wonderful.

I hope that my words can help provide you all with some hope as well. I don't know your specific struggles, but I know you're doing the best with what you've got. Keep at it. And someday, I hope that you, too, can see the horizon.

[stuckinapril]

don’t know if you’ve already shared (or if you wouldn’t like to) but i’d love to hear about your resolutions and goals for this year!

Hi so sorry for how late this is!! I have quite a few!

Ins —

Being more decisive. Trusting myself w calling the shots. Just making a decision and sticking w it.

Financial literacy

More reading. Just more.

Attacking things I’m uncomfortable with instead of shying away from them.

More silence. I don’t need to have my earphones in all the time

More time w family!!! I need to put in as much effort to connect w them as I do w my friends

Green tea every night

More pictures. I have a serious problem of just not being incentivized to take any

More scientific literature for fun!!

Piggybacking off that point—making it instinctive to apply things I study to real life situations. This is a niche one but it just helps me process stuff faster and I just think it’s a super dope learning technique

Pushing myself harder. It’s just not my preference to be mediocre.

Nourishing myself w my own affirmations. Cutting out my need for other people’s validation

Educational documentaries

Making more of an effort to connect w my Arab heritage

Being my natural self. It’s okay if I’m not bubbly all the time. Sometimes I just want to chill

Whole foods

Less phone time (I say this every year but like I want 2024 to be the year I’m truly disconnected/using my phone in a healthy way)

Body oils!

More tennis dates w friends!

10k steps a day

Sticking religiously to my hour by hour schedule

Keeping promises to myself as ardently as I keep promises to others

Being more bold w fashion!!

Hitting the gym 5 days a week

Reading more literature in Arabic and French

Learning how to cook. I cannot live off Siggi’s for the rest of my life lol

Exploring more music genres

Learning the piano!!

No longer feeling guilty for withholding information. Privacy is not a bad thing.

Getting more and more independent!!

Becoming the friend I want to be. Other people need to show up as well, but I can’t hold people up to standards I myself can’t reach.

Outs —

Centralizing luxury brands. Thinking that price equates to quality. The fact of the matter is quality equates to quality. Price is irrelevant.

Relying on snap judgment responses to situations. I need to learn to wait at least 15 minutes. I can be impulsive asf

Jumpiness. Nervous energy. I just want to be more calm and controlled in how I carry myself. I want to exude self-assuredness

Checking my phone first thing in the morning!!

Drinking less than 3 liters of water a day

Being available all the fucking time. If someone has an issue w me for being busy, maybe they’re not someone I want in my life in the first place.

Being too forgiving. Not immediately allowing someone back into my life doesn’t make me a bitch. Immediately running to fix things w someone doesn’t make me selfless. Being the bigger person in situations where I was nowhere near in the wrong doesn’t make me mature. It’s just symptomatic of a lack of boundaries.

Consuming dumb shit in the name of “keeping up w pop culture.” I don’t care about celebrity controversy #7282727. I don’t care about celebrity selfie #827226. It doesn’t elevate my life in any way. I legit just don’t care. And this goes for real life gossip w friends too

Taking too long to text back!! A day is fine, but sometimes I take longer and I think that’s a shitty trait to have. I can absolutely afford to respond to people faster.

Too much chocolate!! I’m a sweet tooth but I must preserve my skin/overall health

Motivation over discipline. I need to be attuned to discipline always.

Control freak antics. I can’t control people. It’s not my responsibility. They’ll act how they act. All I can do is control my reaction to it

Rumination/unhealthy venting. When I’m done w something, I’m done w something.

Overcompensating for other people’s shortcomings. It’s not my responsibility to coddle others. It’s okay if something is too much for me.

Having no boundaries w others. People aren’t entitled to private information. It doesn’t make me deceptive to withhold things—it just makes me selective. People need to earn private details about me.

Curating things I like. I simply like what I like. It’s not that deep.

[sixofwandsss]

PAC: what does the future hold for you?

1-2

3-4

“Take 3 deep breaths and allow your inner wisdom to guide you”

Pile 1

You are growing into a version of yourself that is actually in touch with their life purpose. From a you that’s tired of not being satisfied with their accomplishments, to a you that is feeling grateful in the present moment and feels happy with themselves.

In order to tap into this energy you might need to leave behind the lack mindset you picked up from past experiences. You have to believe that you are abundant. The universe will have your back, don't worry. Ask yourself: “What if everything just went right?”

In this future, you are extremely determined and in touch with your 'leader' energy. You will find the will to carry on, you’ll find the passion, you’ll find the fire. You and your loved ones will be secure.

The insecurity, the feeling of being unsuccessful and the sleepless nights will come to an end once you let go of past burdens and give yourself the chance to heal them all

Affirmations: 

I am allowed to have faith in myself

My past does not and will never define me

My fears are valid but I choose to be brave and move forward anyways

Pile 2:

The future holds peace of mind for you; A break from all the conflict you might have been surrounded by for a while now. You will get a chance to rest.

You are going to learn to prioritize self-care and step into your empress energy as you get away from toxic environments.

The future offers a safe place to heal your inner child and develop a stronger sense of confidence. Get ready to feel yourself to the max!

You will probably meet your soul tribe then: people you share an intuitive connection with and who also respect your boundaries

Affirmations:

 I am proud of my journey and how far I’ve come

Today I will celebrate enjoying the fruits of my labor

I am allowed not to take my life so seriously

Pile 3:

The future brings you the opportunity to reflect on things that left a mark on your heart in order to understand the divine purpose behind it all. Sometimes we are put through painful experiences so as to learn something about ourselves and others.

The universe is giving you the opportunity to face those dark repressed emotions in order to heal parts of yourself that were not given enough attention but are actually affecting your perspective on life much more than you'd think.

You can't move through life without acknowledging this part of you. Even though it's unstable and chaotic, it is still a part of you.

"A composed soul is not necessarily a calm one"; Give more space to the untamed part of yourself that wants you to feel raw emotions without needing to intellectualize them

The future you that has gone through this process achieved a lot of wisdom and it's not "lost child" anymore. They integrated both their adult self and their wounded inner child. You will get through this succesfully.

Affirmations:

I honor all parts of myself, especially the chaotic and illogical ones

I forgive myself for being afraid, I forgive myself for not wanting to be vulnerable

Hardships gifts wisdom. How is this situation serving my growth?

5:55

Pile 4:

Your heartbreak will be over soon. It is almost over, my dear. The future offers you a life without the burden of a heavy heart. You are going to get over that person successfully.

In the past you couldn't imagine a life without them but in the future, darling, it's all about you. You as the center of your life. You as the main character.

Even though you might have lost them, you are going to gain self-trust again my darling, the knowing that you can bounce back from every situation no matter how painful it is.

You will connect to your inner wisdom and learn how to trust your instincts; you will shift your perspective as you become more in tune with your intuition. You’ll reserve your energy to those who you truly trust.

Affirmations

I am grateful for everything I overcome in order to reach this point in my life

I am allowed to take what I've learned and apply it into this new chapter of my life

It is safe to let go of a rigid and old mindset

Affirmations by Kitty Knorr " Tarot Affirmations: Self-Fullfilling Prophecies"

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi Yili! Would you share with us some of the things that didn't align with you before you're healing but are natural for you now?

Hi angel baby <3

In no particular order:

Before I was insanely aggressive and triggered, now I am completely calm and passive.

Before I hated being vulnerable and expressing myself, saw it as a weakness. Now I see it as a strength and has been one of the most important qualities that has made my life so much easier.

Before I would not wear make up, dress up etc because I prioritized my career. Now I can not fathom not doing any of those things and realize how its a reflection of how I felt. I also realized that I am not my career.

Before I would not care about my looks because I did not want people to value me just because of my looks. I was actually very adamant about it because well, people have bad intentions and when you notice people wanting to date you because of who you are or what you look like, it does not feel great. Now I realize that I needed to do a better job at choosing people and learned to use that as leverage instead of being defined by it.

Before I would date men who were not.... masculine. Now I find those type of men insanely unattractive.

Before, I would over work myself. Now I am more clear minded to make better decisions without the stress.

Before I was insanely unforgiving. Now I am compassionate.

Before I could not even cry. I was so out of touch with my emotions. Now I am completely connected to them, and control them perfectly.

Before I was very angry. Now I am just a happy little bird.

Before I was very hurt, and learned to forgive myself.

Before I was very defensive, and now I realize I just didn't appreciate my own worth.

Before I wanted to be chosen, now I do the choosing.

Before, I would blame the people that hurt me and build an identity around it. Now I recognize the root of the role I played in those dynamics.

Before I valued certain things when it comes to relationship that are very different from what I value now. I understand how my results were a direct reflection of my actions, not my intentions.

Before I thought I was independent because of my financial situation, but i realized I was emotionally drowning and trying to grab on to anyone. Essentially not independent as an individual. I was a slave to the feelings I was not confronting and as a result having everything blow up in my face.

Before I would blame outside circumstances. Now I make a conscious decision to figure out what I need to do or could have done to get the results I want. Take accountability instead of hiding behind my hurt feelings.

Before, I had very close relationships with people who held me back. Now I realize that those people aligned with a version of myself I didn't want to be.

Before I struggled balancing my energies in terms of career and personal relationships, now i realize a lot of it had to do with my upbringing.

Before I wanted to do things certain ways, because I wanted to do things my way, cause that is what i felt was right. Now I realize those thoughts and actions were truly based on my own past trauma and triggers that wired my brain to naturally perceive certain steps as better based on that foundation.

Before I didn't realize how the men I dated were so much like my father, who I love and adore, but is not the type of man I want or aligns with the version of me that is happiest.

Before I was insanely independent. Now I find the value in depending on others and realize it had to do with me holding on to negative emotions from pat experiences.

Before I would blame myself for relationships not working, or if someone did anything wrong to me, and saw it as a reflection of myself. Now I see it as a reflection of where the person is.

Before I was very emotionally codependent, now I just love myself too much.

Before I would let people take advantage of me, now I have really serious boundaries.

Before I wanted to be loved and gave so much love to everyone for that reason, without realizing that was the actual reason. Now I realize you can be compassionate, and kind etc, but people need to earn certain things in your life.

Before I tried to save people, now I realize I can only be an example and hope to positively influence them.

Before I was more set in my ways, now I am a lot more open to others.

Before I did not want to prioritize myself because I simply didn't see the value. Now i realize it was what was missing to move me forward.

Before I didn't want to make things about me because I saw so many things wrong with it. But now I see it as I was hiding and finding excuses to not confront my own insecurities.

Before I put people first, because that is what I was taught in life and ended up abandoning myself. Now I recognize that and put myself first.

Before I would compete with men about work and money. I could only talk about that. Now I realize there is no competition I am already better lol so we have normal conversations about anything else. I don't prove or validate myself. As a result I get a ton of help and support from men and has also made my life so much easier.

Before, I watered myself down for people because I was taught that growing up. Now I realize that those were the wrong people.

Before I was taught to tolerate and now I realize that it was from never having anyone on my side as a child and was told to suck it up.

I realized that I had an issue expressing my emotions, not because of the bad things people did to me singularly but also because my feelings were invalidated.

Before I did not value education, now I strongly value knowledge.

Before there were tons of things I did not like in terms of styles, colors, taste, hobbies etc. Now I love those things.

Before I thought I had to do so many things for a person to love and value me. Now I realize I am worthy of all of those things without having to do anything. And now I seriously don't do anything lol and get treated like a princess baby at all times.

I can keep going lmao but I just want to point out that I have been working on myself for a while... years. And intensely focused on shadow work and journaling for about a year. Theres a lot more I can write but some of it is very personal so I would like to keep that to myself <3

[saras-devotionals]

Quiet Time 9/15

What am I feeling today?

Tired but also encouraged. I had my birthday party last night and I’m really grateful for all the people that came out to celebrate me and show me love. I’m glad that I have people in my life that care about me so much♥️

Bible Plan: Wisdom in Dating

Working Through Conflict

On Day 1 we talked about pressure that can be toxic to relationships. But sometimes pressure can be positive. When? Whenever it helps us become more like Jesus.

Dating relationships produce plenty of positive pressure. Think about it. You’re in a close and emotion-filled relationship with someone who is different from you. So you’ll have plenty of opportunities for growth in communication skills, humility, kindness, forgiveness, and servanthood.

Conflict might seem scary, but it can actually be healthy. How? Because conflict can help you learn more about the person you’re dating and it can reveal things that need to be addressed. Of course, we should set boundaries. If dating feels like a constant battle, then you may not be right for each other. But there’s no such thing as a conflict-free relationship. And that’s a good thing, because conflict can make us better.

This is not only true in dating relationships but in other friendships too. Consider the ministry friendship between Paul and Peter. In Galatians 2, we hear about Paul confronting Peter directly because he was unjustly neglecting certain people in the church community. Peter might have felt annoyed or embarrassed at first, but it made him better in the long run.

When you date someone, you’re choosing to be vulnerable. It means they’ll eventually see “the real you.” That can be scary, but it can also be life-giving, because your partner can help you see things about yourself that you weren’t seeing before—good things and areas to work on.

Remember, setting boundaries is important, and if you’re frequently experiencing significant conflict in your dating relationship, it’s probably a sign to seek guidance from trusted friends, and of course ask God for wisdom.

Conflict in dating relationships doesn’t have to be scary. So don’t hide from it. Instead, embrace a grace-filled approach to help you and your partner grow through it.

Challenge: Reflect on your feelings about conflict. How was conflict handled as you grew up? And how does that inform how you handle conflict today? Reflect on today’s verses to identify one way you can grow in grace-filled conflict resolution.

now, I understand that I’m not dating (yet), but I think it’s good to see where my heart and mindset are at in regards to it.

How do I feel about conflict? Honestly I tend to avoid it or have other people handle for me. I don’t like having to confront people with their behaviors although there are many times when I think it’s necessary.

Growing up, it was also avoided. Well, my parents would argue and fight more often when I got older and then it faded (I don’t know if it resolved but it definitely improved). I just always hid when there was conflict because like I said (avoider).

Ephesians 4:26-32 NIV

““In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

I have to be reminded of this. I can be prone to angry and can get there easily but I always have to remind myself that it’s not how Jesus would have handled the situation.

Also, building others up instead of breaking them down is big! I try to be encouraging with my words and refrain from stuff that could be taken as hurtful even if that’s not my intention.

Forgiving is vital! People will hurt you. That is a fact of life. What matters is how you respond to that hurt and forgiving them (even if they haven’t done anything to correct it).

I see how all this applies to relationships and I know in the past, I’ve been very conflict avoidant. My ex would do things that bothered me, but I never wanted to bring them up because I dismissed myself, thought I was being silly or that I would hurt his feelings if I said anything. I have changed and grown a lot since that time and I believe that now I am at a point where I can start conversations about what’s bothering me.

Galatians 2:11-14 NIV

“When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray. When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?”

Even in the Bible it shows that you need to call out certain behavior. It wasn’t appropriate for them to be disciples and to be acting in this manner so it needs to be pointed out so that it can be corrected. And this is also necessary in all relationships, we need to hold each other accountable but in love and care.

Romans 12:17 NIV

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.”

Just a command that is so necessary!!

[acti-veg]

Hello, I'd like your opinion & possibly advice on something: I used to be hard on myself, in many aspects of my life. With time, self love, positivity and therapy I learned to be gentle to myself instead, and I've come a long way. I don't stress over deadlines anymore, I respect my own needs, I forgive myself for slip ups etc. However, this also resulted in what looks like too much leniency: I feel I lack discipline now and I can't really stick to something in a constant way. This leniency made its way in my veganism too. For instance, a few days ago I was on a date and I didn't like any of the vegan options on the menu, so I decided to order a vegetarian dish instead. I told myself I wanted to enjoy that evening and pretty much prioritised my own needs over my morals. I made peace with that a bit too easily. What do you think and what would you suggest?

I think it is a very good thing that you have learned to be more gentle with yourself, and that is something you don’t want to lose. The danger is that you end up either giving up compromising on the things that are important to you, or rubber banding, where you are so lenient that guilt creeps in and you end up shooting off in the other direction entirely, and end up being too harsh with yourself once again.

I think that there is a balance to be struck between these two extremes. It can be helpful to set some rules for yourself, lines that you are just not willing to cross. This is healthy not just for your own behaviours, but for other people to know where your boundaries are and respect them. You don’t want that date thinking you’re happy to bend on your veganism for the sake of convenience for example, as they’ll have no reason to make an effort to find somewhere that can accommodate you better.

People great you how you allow them to, but that also counts for yourself, as well. You obviously value the lives of animals because you went vegan, and I imagine you want to live in a way that is in alignment with your own values and does both harm animals. The mere fact that you feel about not doing so speaks to that, and the convenience of being about to order something on the menu really isn’t worth the harm that causes and the spiral it draws you into.

“I’m not willing to compromise on my veganism” is a pretty straightforward rule and a very healthy boundary for others to know about, though there is some room for nuance. Are you willing to pick up or buy non-vegan meals for someone else, gifts, cooking for kids or elderly parents, that sort of thing.

Where you set those lines is really up to you, and where the lines are is less important than the fact that that there are lines. If there aren’t, you’ll end up compromising your values far more often than you’d like.

[bluedalahorse]

Hi! I hope everyone is doing well. I am popping up to let you know that I’m alive, that there’s a lot going on, that I still love YR, and that I’m thinking about boundaries and priorities.

I loved Young Royals season three. I especially love how it engaged with the legacy of Erik and the systems of Hillerska. I love that it took the idea of the legal system providing catharsis and that it threw that out the window. I love the way characters got words for what they were going through, how Felice got to name the racism happening to her and August got words to name his disordered eating. Most of all I loved the way Lisa wrote Sara’s relationship with her father and her reconciliation with Simon. That meant so much to me, and I can’t wait to imagine a future for the Eriksson siblings.

Here is a brief list of things I loved about the finale. They were all written in the afterglow of seeing the episode. I stand by them. Especially how much I loved Wille’s ending, and what happened there.

In the coming weeks, I’m sure there’ll be stuff I’m more critical of or don’t feel as strongly about. I especially have mixed feelings about the way Lisa seemed to structure 3.5 in a way that mimics the emotional roller coaster of trauma. I’m not really focusing on that stuff here or now, because I don’t want to. But it’s on my mind, and I don’t know if I’ll end up posting about it here and elsewhere.

At present this post isn’t rebloggable or tagged with much of anything. That’s because I’m trying to figure out the best way moving forward with tumblr. I don’t know if I want to delete this blog and abandon it entirely, but the pressure to present a curated version of myself is too much, and is a pretty big trigger for things like rejection sensitivity and anxiety. The pace here is also too fast and there is no way to keep up with everything, and (forgive me for this cardinal sin in tumblr-land) I wish I had some easier way to not see the same sets of gifs a hundred times with the same commentary. I’m experimenting with slower ways of doing fandom, where I can enjoy myself more.

I do, however, want a way to get the cultural footnotes for Young Royals, especially when they help me write better fic and create better fanworks. I know there’s some pretty darn useful posts about how lines get translated and various holidays and traditions (and looking forward I would like to know more about universities in Sweden, and how the monarchy works and such.) So I want to be able to find the stuff I need without having to spend as much time on what I don’t need. The resource posts people make are truly helpful.

And I also have some other fannish things I want to see here, like Les Mis and Interview with the Vampire. And the memes are nice. I miss the memes.

Before I make the decision about how I engage, I think it will be useful for me to know my priorities. So I’ve thought about them a bit, and I want to make the decisions that align with my priorities. Here’s what I want to focus on moving forward:

I want to spend more time creating. The thing that has always brought me the most genuine joy in this fandom is writing fic. YRS3 ended in a place of possibility for so many characters, and I want to keep writing about them and learning about them that way. (I won’t even lie, of course most of my ideas are about August—August and Kristina working on their intergenerational cousin relationship, August getting pulled into weekly DND sessions with Wille and Simon so they can all get better at being human together while pretending to be elves or something, August doing the personal and liberatory work that allows him and Sara to one day have a Second Chance Romance with they’re older, even August/Nils because oh boy did that season give me ideas about them I never knew I had.) One of my goals is to cut down on browsing time significantly so that I spend more time writing, especially so I can finish Heart and Homeland. I think it’ll make me happier.

I want to spend more time helping others create. Some of the most meaningful experiences I had in this fandom involved being a beta reader or hearing out another person’s fic ideas, and getting to live in that space of creation and collaboration. For that reason, I’d like to still make new YR connections on occasion, especially with people who wanna share their writing process with me. Tumblr may or may not be a place to do that. I’m still figuring out where stuff should happen.

I want analysis to be something I do as part of my creative process, and that’s it. I don’t know if this is fully true, but it felt like ten years ago there was more fandom meta focused on what fans wanted to write in their fanfics, and how their interpretations of canon led to them creating cool art. There was some meta that was about how to interpret canon “correctly” but that wasn’t the priority. Now, it feels like—and this is true even outside of YR fandom, so this is no reflection on YR specifically—there is more emphasis on having the “correct” interpretation of canon. About getting it right, and having the right predictions and interpretations. It feels competitive in a way that wears me down. From this point forward, when posting analysis, I’m going to ask myself, is this furthering my creative pursuits and my understanding of the writing process more generally, or am I just trying to win an argument? If the answer is just to win, then I’m not going to post my argument. That runs counter to my goals.

I don’t want to engage in any space where anonymous discourse flourishes. Even when well-intentioned. Being away for a while was clarifying for me on that point. Turns out one of the biggest triggers for my anxiety and shame are extensive, heated conversations where I don’t know who is saying what and who I can trust. Spaces where there’s a lot of anon conversation are probably going to be ones I block and unfollow first moving forward. It just seems like a good baseline for how I engage.

So this is where I am as of now. I’ll probably continue to hold off on doing much posting in the coming days, but I did want to poke my head up for air for a second to let people know what the state of everything is.

Here’s one picture of the plushes for the road:

And here’s a picture of the waffles I ate on finale day:

Oh, to have cloudberry jam and time spent with friends. These things are truly joyous.

[dragonfly0808]

Flora: The Thesis

I had a feeling Flora would win, I’ve put my girlie through a lot, let’s do this!

THERE WILL BE MAJOR SPOILERS AFTER THE FIRST THINGS FIRST PORTION, IF YOU HAVEN’T MADE IT TILL CHAPTER 17 OF SEASON 3 (They Live in Spain but the S is Silent) DO NOT READ PAST THE FIRST SECTION

I’M SERIOUS, MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS FOR FLORA’S CHARACTER ARC/PLOT POINTS AFTER THAT PART

First Things First

The first words that I wrote on Flora’s character sheet to sum up her character was in the OG are: kind, gentle mom-friend.

To me Flora in the original was kind of a breath of fresh air, seeing a soft girl get to also be a fighter was awesome (even if I feel like she was the one that was most often knocked out/down, cue the 84 times Flora nearly died compilation videos)

But… she was also a lot of wasted potential since I feel like she never really got her own storylines, or at least nothing interesting and her powers were never explored beyond plants despite being a fairy of nature, not plants.

Also, I found it weird that they just… dropped her love for making potions after season 1 or 2. Like… for what?

Those are a few of the grievances that I wanted to try and make better in my rewrite. Also, Flora was always my fave so I wanted to give her the attention she was deprived of (though, I reiterate, I do really try to pay attention to all 6 girls and, for the most part, am successful, but Flora will occasionally get just a little more attention)

Flora’s main character traits towards the beginning of the rewrite are: gentle, unsure and kind.

The first time we see Flora in the rewrite, she is seen to be very kind and maybe even a tiny bit conformational, quickly telling Bloom that she’ll switch sides and move plants if she wants her to.

She doesn’t really know how to put her foot down, she’ll be working on it but not truly implementing it until season 2.

I think a lot of people’s first impression of Flora would be that she’s a bit naive and even weak, that’s the thing with Flora.

Whilst her softness was forged in steel, it can deteer her from time to time and she easily feels guilty if she can’t make everyone happy. She has people pleaser tendencies that she’s working on.

I feel like in season 1 her softness walks a fine line between being a strength of hers and nearly being a weakness.

Being soft isn’t what what can be to her determent, it’s letting people cross her boundaries.

I also took her love for potions and ran with it, she is a potions prodigy and the teams main healer. She’s very dedicated to school and it shows in her work with potions.

Her main traits stay mostly the same over the seasons. There is still kindness and softness at her core, but overtime she is no longer unsure, she learns how to put her foot down and respect her own boundaries and really just stepping into her own and becoming more powerful and comfortable in her own skin.

She Doesn’t Succumb, She Overcomes

Flora grows a lot over the first 2 and a half seasons

One thing she overcomes, asides from learning to set boundaries and that she’s allowed to not forgive, she also overcomes a fear of being loved.

Flora has a lot of bad luck when it comes to people in her life fucking her over. Her biological father abandoned her and her mom and took all their resources with him, her first boyfriend assaulted her and then her first girlfriend Mirta breaks up with her to get back together with Lucy.

And then, in season 2, Bloom betrays her while being influenced by Darkar.

So… Flora is reasonably afraid when it comes to new people in her life. Especially people she falls for.

That’s where Helia came in. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In season 3, THIS IS WHERE THE MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS COME IN TURN BACK RIGHT FUCKING NOW I DID NOT BREAK MY BRAIN FOR ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLOT POINTS IN THE REWRITE FOR YOU TO JUST SPOIL IT FOR YOURSELF THIS IS YOUR LAST FUCKING WARNING, Flora suffers a major setback in her journey due to two big events.

First off, Sky choses her to burn while under Valtor’s curse and then, her powers seem to morph into something that she cannot understand and that she is afraid of.

This sets her back when it comes to finally being comfortable in her own skin… literally and being more confident.

She is terrified that her friends will turn their backs on her again to take Sky’s side. This fear is quickly quenched by Bloom making it clear on who’s side she’d be on if it came down to it but it still obviously affects Flora and we still haven’t gotten the talk between her and Sky, because she is still not ready to face him properly

Her scars are a side effect of this betrayal and she still has a long way to go before being able to show them

The other set back is in her powers after gaining Enchantix, where all of a sudden, it is a lot harder to make things bloom and heal people and rotting and withering things comes a lot more naturally.

We’ve gotten a bit of an explanation during the Crystal Labyrinth as to why this is the case but she still has a lot to learn in s4 about her new powers.

Thoughts Behind her Main Relationships

Aisha: Aisha is her best friend, their friendship is one of softness and getting out of their comfort zones. It’s the extrovert/introvert balanced friendship that helps them both feel more comfortable in their own skin.

Their friendship is, ‘you’re my safe place. I see you and I breath a little easier. You know me so well I only have to lift an eyebrow and you know exactly what I mean.’

Their friendship is ‘we’ve both been through complete and utter loneliness and we’re both afraid of people leaving but when I’m with you it all just fades away because your heart and my heart are made of the same material. Your softness will always bring me comfort and you’re familiar in a way that makes me want to weep because of how safe I feel at your side’

Helia: These two are just… two people trying to heal from their respective pasts but… okay so, they are two people who’ve been through a lot and have already been on their journey to healing or a while now and know their triggers and what helps them and just find calm and safety with one another.

It’s, ‘we’re both pulling ourselves back together after the worst events of our lives and you make me feel like all of it will never drown me and I know that my soul has known your soul for a very long time.’

But… while they are both on their way to healing, they’re both still scared.

Flora is afraid of someone she falls for hurting her yet again. Helia is afraid of not being able to connect with people, of the people he loves not wanting him.

They find comfort in each other’s love.

In each other, they find understanding and safety. They help each other on their healing journeys.

They’ll never turn away from each other even on the bad days.

Riven: Riven and Flora are soulmates. I have no other word to describe their bond. Even soulmates doesn’t feel like it can fully encompass their bond and how important they are to one another.

They have similar fears and traumas, though they respond in wildly different ways. He can’t let himself be vulnerable, she can’t stand her ground. But they find each other and somehow, they start healing and growing together

Their bond is ‘there are people that you just have to meet in order to become the best version of yourself and I know that if I hadn’t met you I would never have been able to become my best self. There are people that just have something to teach you just by knowing them, there are people that love you so purely that you can do nothing but want to grow with them and teach each other so much just by existing together. And you know that if there are other lives, you’ve met them in every past life and will meet them in every future life because you own a piece of each others puzzles that you both need to complete yourselves.’

Their love is absolutely pure, I just love it and can’t quite find the words to describe just how special it is.

Who is Flora in this rewrite?

Flora is a girl who wasn’t born to be a heroine, who had plenty of excuses to be angry, who had plenty of reasons to lash out at the world. If it’d been anyone else, they might’ve turned out a villain.

But she doesn’t. She doesn’t allow her pain and trauma to be the things that define her. They are a big part of who she is, there is no denying that, but it’s not what made her. She made herself. She made the conscious decision time and time again to chose love and softness and kindness.

She’s someone who’s on the verge of being a doormat before we meet her in s1, and who is working since s1 to be better at setting boundaries, to turn her softness into one of her biggest strengths and not just a trait that occasionally bites her in the ass.

She’s someone who is growing into herself, leaning that, while she has to grow, she doesn’t have to change her main traits to be stronger. To be respected.

She’s exploring both her powers and her softness.

Flora is both one of the softest and the strongest characters in this rewrite. She learns that those two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Flora is growth, not change. She doesn’t succumb, she overcomes. She’s not unscathed, but she is healing.

—————————-

Masterlist

Flora Moodboard

Flora’s Instagram

Flora and Aisha Moodboard

Flora and Helia Moodboard

Flora and Riven Moodboard

[joyfulapostate]

Blessed are the doubters.

Blessed are the ones who let themselves be uncertain in the face of such captivating certainty.

I wished I’d doubted sooner. I now admire those who did. Even if I didn’t realize it at the time, I learned from watching them.

I had questions and doubts, but I didn’t dare go beyond the boundaries of my core faith tenets. There was only one god, one savior, and one way to get to heaven.

When I saw people doubt their way out of the faith, I thought they had been captured by the world. I felt superior, believing my thoughts were free when I was really the one who had been captured. Born into Christian captivity, freedom just looked like loss.

The more I doubted, the harder I doubled-down on my beliefs until they wore too thin to sustain me. I am glad I made it out and I no longer feel shame about staying in it for as long as I did. It was something that I had to work through and forgive myself for. I hope that my experience having trouble letting go can make it easier for others to let go at different stages of doubt.

links, glorious links

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Musings on How I Experience Love

A.K.A. I learned about a queer identity, and it made me have thoughts about my own identity that are only tangentially related, and I didn't want to derail existing posts.

TL;DR at the bottom.

Introduction

Ya'll. I just learned about a thing called aplatonicism. Aplatonic. Does not experience platonic attraction. And it got me thinking.

To be clear, while I am super happy for and very supportive of all the aplatonics out there, I am not aplatonic. I have a number of friends and I feel all my feelings about my friends very strongly. Probably more strongly than most of them tbh.

Buuuuut, learning that this was a thing made me start poking at how I experience ALL my types of connection with people.

So, consider this post an exploration of my queerness and my relationships in general. If anyone has labels they'd like to introduce, please come forth. I find comfort in labels, and they're kinda fun.

BTW, this is all coming from someone who identifies as aroace and/or asexual arospec.

Familial Love:

If I had to list the most important and valued relationships in my life, all the top spots would go to family members. This is reflected in my day-to-day behavior.

My friends will have to wait hours or days before I can build up the emotional fortitude to text them back, and I find myself dreading receiving texts from them. With my family, I will initiate conversation, text them for no reason, open my phone in the hopes of having recieved texts from them, and feel immense relief when I see the text is from them and not a friend.

I can receive calls from my family without immediately panicking and spend literal hours on the phone with them, where I can barely stomach a few minutes from friends (I have phone anxiety).

I will cancel in person meetings with friends IN EXCHANGE for in person meetings or phone calls with family if I am having a bad day.

I trust my family with information I don't trust my friends with.

When I am home and I have the option to, I will spend more hours of the day being around my family than being by myself, despite being introverted. The same consideration does not apply to friends.

My family is allowed to upset me in ways that my friends are not. I still adore my family and easily forgive them after they push certain boundaries and triggers, but I won't even keep talking to a friend who does that.

Large gatherings of people I know well and consider friends are intimidating and draining. Large gatherings of people I have accepted as family, even if we haven't spoken in years and I don't know them too well, are exciting and relaxing.

All of these things combined make me inclined to conclude that I experience familial love much more strongly than platonic love. I progress from "like" to "love" much easier with family than with friends, I feel more strongly about my family than I do about any of my friends, I will choose family over friendship every time. I've developed a couple of friends over the years that I've become exceptionally close to, and I literally refer to them as "my second family" or "like my siblings."

This is. . .interesting to me, and was sparked by learning about aplatonics. I discovered aplatonicism when I stumbled across a couple aplatonic tumblr blogs, and all the ones I happened upon specified that they were "loveless," indivudiuals whi didn't experience familial love either. But, they still introduced the concept of thinking about platonic love and familial love as separate.

I'm wondering if anyone has words to describe feeling familial love really extra strongly, even if you also experience platonic attraction and are decidely not aplatonic? Oh, also, I have social anxiety, but it isn't really triggered by family members, where it is easily and frequently triggered by friends. I have been overstimulated to the point of tears at large family gatherings before, but it was only with people I literally had no memories of and did not mentally consider family.

Also, I'm not really sure how my brain classifies "family." It certainly isn't "people I've lived with," since there are at least 3 of those that don't count, and most of my extended family does. It obviously isn't "people I'm biologically related to," because of in-laws and legal guardian situations that I do count, but it also isn't "people I am/was legally related to," because a lot of legal extended family that I've never met or just don't talk to don't count in my brain, including people that I technically have a closer legal relationship with than people who count as family. It's some combination of a bunch of factors, and I can't even name most of them.

Basically, familial love is much higher and much stronger in my emotional hierarchy than any other type of love, including platonic friendship, and I find that noteworthy.

Platonic Love:

So, as mentioned in the introductory section, I think I feel my feelings about platonic love/attraction more strongly than the people on the other side of those relationships.

However, I don't think this actually has much to do with my attraction level. I think it's a symptom of allonormativity. Almost all my friends are allorose, and I think this influences the way they view friendships in general. Friendships are generally considered a less valuable, less intense, less committed kind of relationship by an allonormative society. They're like an in-between step between strangers and a romantic/sexual relationship, and people don't really consider that they can both give and take just as much as those other types of connection.

Any friendship involves an obligation. A social contract of things you do for each other. An unspoken agreement that you'll care about and put effort towards each other. They take just as much work and care to maintain as any sort of romantic/sexual relationship will. For people who experience platonic attraction, they also provide connection, safety, emotional fulfillment, enjoyment, happiness, and all the other things that are also affiliated with romantic/sexual relationships.

As an aroace person, friendships and familial connections fully provide all my emotional needs. I don't need or want a "higher" relationship. And when I look at the people in my life who are or were involved in a romantic relationship, some of them continued to put more effort towards and recieve more fulfillment from their friendships than from their romance.

So, I place a lot of importance on my platonic love and affection for my friends, especially those that edge towards that "second family" territory. For those not in that zone, though, I think they would generally consider friendships nice, but far more casual and less important and all-consuming as romantic love. Even if we do experience the same levels of attraction towards and affection for each other, they place less importance on it because they have other emotional needs that are not being met and that society values more.

These thoughts also developed from reading about aplatonics, by the way, and their frustrations with the fact that because friendship is undervalued, people don't extend the same care towards forming and maintaining friendships as they do towards romantic and sexual relationships. People don't ask if they can be your friends as adults, and they don't really do platonic DTRs to determine how much you can reasonably expect from each other. That means an aplatonic who has no interest in being friends with people will suddenly be shoved in this box that comes with all these expectations and they DID NOT sign up for it.

I also have experienced strong queer platonic attraction towards at least one person, and I would use the aromantic term "squish" to define how I feel about this person. If I didn't know that this person is allorose and actively seeking a romantic partnership with someone, I would want to platonically date this person, and we have already acknowledged that our relationship is fully platonic but exceptionally close, and we like it that way.

Romantic Love

In my intro, you may have noticed that I identify as aromantic AND/OR arospec. This is mostly because I am relatively new to identifying myself as aromantic, and I don't have a whole lot of experience with thinking about how I feel about romance through this lens. I only discovered aromanticism was a thing like a year and a half ago, and I have only been exploring the label and identifying with it for a few months.

Before learning about aromanticism, I would hear about romance and crushes and think, "Huh, I've never felt that way. Oh well, I'm sure I will eventually." Now that I know this isn't necessarily true, I have some mixed up feelings.

I have never felt romantic attraction towards anybody. The question comes in my DESIRE for that attraction/relationship. I feel like I could happily live my entire life without a romantic relationship. But, I also wouldn't be upset if I developed romantic attraction for a close friend and entered a romantic relationship with them. That idea isn't bad for me, and I find myself enjoying the thought, even if I don't wish for it and have no desire to seek one out.

However, a lot of the things people consider part of a romantic relationship are things I would do with a QPR. I know I'm not feeling whatever it is they're feeling, and I know I wouldn't behave in the same way, but I can't exactly verbalize those behavioral differences. Just some examples:

Going on dates: I would 100% platonically date someone and actually already do. I also do familial dates. Both these things involve planning a specific time to go do stuff with a specific individual just to be with them because we both like being around each other and we want to spend time together and do things that make the other person happy. If it is a person I have established a touchy-feely relationship with, it will also involve all of the touchy things we do together. With my parents, this is up to and including pecks on the lips and holding hands. With my squish, this regularly goes up to cuddling and laying right next to or partially on top of each other.

Touching each other, even when not on dates. I am a very touchy-feely person. Touch is my love language, but how much I am comfortable touching a person depends.

My parents kiss me, but in the same way you kiss a baby or a puppy. This includes on the lips sometimes. That would feel weird with anyone else, but it feels nice, normal, and affectionate with them.

He never has, but I wouldn't be uncomfortable with my brother kissing my hair or my forehead, which is something my extended family does pretty frequently (aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc.). I don't think I would feel uncomfortable if my squish or my second family friends kissed my hair or forehead, but I'd feel pretty weird if any of my other friends did it.

I don't mind holding hands with my family, my second family, or my squish either, even if that isn't my preferred form of contact (I like something a bit more solid).

I hug everyone who is okay with it. Anybody who likes hugs and has made this known to me gets hugs from me. The same can be applied to cuddling, hair petting, etc.

While I don't tickle other people, I am very ticklish and enjoy getting tickled by people I am physically affectionate with. Anyone who gets forehead kiss privileges gets tickle privileges.

I was in scouts and speech and debate and consider sleeping in the same bed a non-intimate activity. It would feel weird if they're significantly younger or older than me and not family, but as long as we're similar in age, I'll share a bed with a total stranger. We'll probably even end out cuddling in our sleep since I'm a little heat leech when I'm sleeping.

Dancing: I'll happily do anything from formal waltz to intimate tango with family, second family, or squish. I will feel only sort of weird about doing it with friends, acquaintances, and strangers at events that are made for that kind of thing. The more formal the dance, the closer to sort of weird we get. Intimate latin tango? Kinda weird, but not awful if nobody MAKES it weird. Old timey jig? Honestly, it's pretty normal.

Buying Gifts: I don't really buy gifts for other people unless it's their birthday or Christmas, but my friends get handmade presents all the time.

Flirting. While I'd feel really put off by a stranger flirting with me, my friends and I jokingly flirt all the time. In high school, I had a friend who would greet me every day with variations of "Hey sugar lips, nice eybrows." While I have only engaged in this behavior with my straight female friends (I'm a woman), I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if my female-attracted friends of any variety did this too. It would be really, really weird if anyone did it seriously, though.

Sharing drinks/food. I already do this platonically all the time. The only reason I don't share straws with friends is because we're all the age where none of us can guarantee we don't have mono unless we've been recently tested. I do share straws with my family if none of us are currently sick.

Marriage. I would marry my QPP and/or best friend. I know I would like to raise kids if I am ever emotionally capable, and I want to do it with a partner. I would love to live with someone I'm platonically attracted to until the end of time and would appreciate the benefits of legal civil union. That opening sequence in Up called "Married Life?" Apart from the actual making out and implied sex, I would do literally all of that in a platonic relationship. I don't think I NEED it to be happy, but it certainly feels like something I WANT (as opposed to an actual romantic relationship).

So basically, I have no desire for a romantic relationship, but I am not repulsed by the idea, and a lot of the trappings of a romantic relationship are actually something I'm interested in platonically. People with labels come forth!

I also am not freaked out by other people in romances. I have no issues with my friends being lovey dovey with their partners around me, although unless they're really REALLY obvious about it, I won't be able to tell their dating without verbal confirmation. I dislike most romance plots and subplots in fiction, but I can also think of a lot that I enjoy (almost all of which lack sexual elements as well).

Sexual Love

I am very VERY ace. I have absolutely no desire or interest in sex. I have never had a desire. I can't picture myself EVER having a desire. I am disgusted by the thought of myself ever having sex by any definition of the word, including just kissing in a mildly erotic manner. I feel uncomfortable seeing people lingering kisses in front of me, including fictional people, and I skip anything in books that could be remotely classified as sexual. Multiply any squick by like a thousand if it's non-consensual.

I am, however, fine with the idea that other people have consensual sex with each other, as long as I'm not given details. My roommate could look me dead in the eyes and tell me every fictional character she desperately wants to bone, and that she and her boyfriend boned in our room last night, and I would be absolutely fine. The minute she starts describing details, I'm like, "No thanks." Fade to black fiction scenes are great. Implied/referenced sex is fine, even implied/referenced rape in works of fiction as long as it's treated with the necessary gravity (obviously, it's never okay that real people go through that).

I should also add that when spoken about in a purely biological context with clinical language, you can give me as many details as you want, and that I also find my irl horny friends funny during their horny episodes.

But yeah, no sex for me ever, thanks.

TL;DR

I read about aplatonicism, and it got me thinking about all the different types of attraction and love and how I, as an arospec asexual with social anxiety, experience them.

I experience intense and powerful familial love that is far more important to me than any other relationship can hope to get.

I experience platonic attraction, including queerplatonic attraction, but feel that the people on the other end of those relationships don't value them as much or feel they take as much effort as I do because of allonormativity.

I don't experience romantic attraction, but am perfectly fine with the idea of a romantic relationship, even if I don't actively seek it out. I also have a lot of confusion about if a romantic relationship would even look different than a platonic one for me, since a lot of things people DO in romantic relationships are things I do platonically, up to and including kissing and marriage.

I don't experience sexual attraction, don't want to, and am generally grossed out by sex. I'm fine if other people do it, I just don't need details and I don't ever want to think about having any kind of sex myself.

Anyone who has labels to offer is welcome!

[maxthelordagain]

clinic? It’s okay if your not comfortable sharing I just get overly worried about people even when I don’t know them, hope your okay!

//TW: metal health, clinics, depression, financial struggle, etc

Yeah, I’ve been going in and out of metal health clinics for a while now, which is why my art posts are so inconsistent in recent years.

Without sharing too much, or risk anyone getting triggered, a couple years back it ended up getting so bad, that I ended up in a hospital and I’m sure many of you can deduce what that means. Last year, at 18 years old, I finally got diagnosed with autism. Ever since then, my life has been steadily improving, because now I’m getting a lot of accommodations I never even knew I had a right to.

I’ve also reconnected with my family, since I’ve gotten much better at voicing my own feelings, and they understand me much better through that, as well as through my diagnosis. I’ve also been much more forgiving towards myself, since I used to think of myself as very flawed, for struggling with things other people don’t mind, or even enjoy, such as going shopping, or eating in groups, or being in large crowds.

The struggle I’m facing right now is, the last clinic I was in has deemed me unable to work for at least 2 years, which raised concerns for my finances, so my caretakers wanted me to go to another clinic, which is where I’m at now. It’s very specialised towards depression and anxiety disorders, in which case confrontation is the best course, which really counters my issue, in which I have only just learned to set boundaries at all. A lot of my coping strategies aren’t possible for me here, as well as me being effectively masking 24/7, since you’re always under observation, and even at the end of the day, the rooms are shared, so I just feel like I don’t have a space to recharge.

I’m an adult and technically allowed to leave if I feel like things get too tough, but I’m also relying on the government to cover my finances, which they won’t do if they feel like I’m not doing sufficient work in order to fix my mental health, so in a way I still feel trapped here. I’m struggling right now and honestly don’t know what to do, but unfortunately this is something I’ll just have to weather out. I have a very good support network outside of the clinic, which I can’t wait to get back to, but is also inaccessible to me here.

I think this is long enough now, so I’ll just sign this off here, but I do want you to know that you don’t need to be worried, since I know I will get the help that I need eventually, even if this currently isn’t. I hope you all stick around, even through my slower art posts, because I still love to create art and I hope that maybe in a couple of years, I’ll be recovered enough to go back to creating art full time <3

[lunarlianna]

Lunar Eclipse 05.05.2023

This lunar eclipse will be quite strong and chaotic, it takes place at 14 degree Scorpio making an opposition with the Sun, Mercury, Uranus and the NN all of them in Taurus at the moment we may be prone to bottle up our emotions and rationalize them instead of feeling them. A trine with Mars in Cancer, it’s supporting us in setting healthy boundaries. With the opposition to Uranus, we can expect the unexpected and seeing our emotions from an objective point of view. Remember what happened in your life back in May 2022 since the same themes can come back during this time. The numerology of the day it’s 555 which is a symbol of positive change. The advice for this weekend it’s to let go of old patterns and embrace change in all it’s forms.

3 affirmations that can help you during this lunar eclipse:

I release myself from my fears, traumas and insecurities.

I open myself to true intimacy and vulnerability.

I will not let my past failures or fears in regards to love control me.

Aries rising: the eclipse will take place in your 8th house; it can be time to let go of toxic patterns in regards to your sexual behaviour and finances. It’s the perfect time to do deep shadow work and psychological healing.

Taurus rising: for you it’s going to be an intense couple of days, since 7th house it’s affected. If you’ve been feeling lately that it’s time to let go of relationships that no longer serve you, this is the perfect moment. Think how are you in the relationship and what you can change.

Gemini rising: 6th house it’s the one afflicted, it can be a good time to release any habits that affect your health (smoking, alcohol etc), for some of your co-works may step on your nerves and some conflicts may appear.  It’s also a good time to let go of perfectionism.

Cancer rising: it’s time to let go of any self-imposed restrictions and be your unapologetically self. It’s a good time to be creative and let your imagination go wild or to have a beautiful and sweet date with someone special.

Leo rising: you may want to renovate your home or to improve something in your house. A conflict with one of the parents may arise but be mindful and don’t let your ego run wild, try to have a more peaceful conversation with them.

Virgo rising: this eclipse will be in your 3th house, how you communicate will be in the spotlight. You may have a lot of information’s coming your way it may be a good time to take a break and appreciate them. A sibling or close family member may come to you with a secret to share.

Libra rising: 2nd house of values it’s affected during this lunar eclipse, it can be a good period to check your finances and see ways to improve them. If you have troubles with your self-esteem this eclipse will shine a light there and will show you the way in order to improve it.

Scorpio rising: your 1st house of self-it’s highlighted during this time; it can be a good time to let go of your past self and embrace the upcoming changes. During this time try to release any old baggage that you are holding on. Don’t forget to forgive yourself.

Sagittarius rising: this eclipse it’s quite special for you since will be in the 12th house of spirituality, dreams and unconscious mind. In dreams your may find the answers that you long for. You can also benefit from a little isolation during this time and shadow work.

Capricorn rising: 11th house of friendship it’s activated, you may need to let go of friends that are no longer in alignment with your path, some of them may share with you disturbing news as well. An honest and deep conversation may happen with someone dear.

Aquarius rising: 10th house of career it’s activated, you may need to find balance between work and personal life. Some of you may get recognition in the work place. It can be a good time to dedicate time towards yourself and those close to you.

Pisces rising: 9th house of higher learning, travel and spirituality it’s activated during this time, it may be a good time to look objectively at you believes and higher learning plan that you have is it truly alignment with your core self? If not, it may be time to let it go.  Some of you may engage in very philosophical conversation that may change the way you view the world.

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