#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever

[inkedbybarnes]

blind date

bucky barnes x fem!reader

summary: convinced that bucky will never like you back, you agree to a blind date arranged for you to forget about him.

word count: 3.7k

warnings: fluff. two idiots pining over each other (i know, i know. i love the trope). blind dates (they honestly scare me). boundaries being crossed. not so gentleman of a blind date. protective & grumpy bucky (yes, that's a warning!). pet names such as doll. lowercase writing. not proofread.

notes: happy 500 followers to us! hehe. sorry it took long, i waited until i reached that milestone and we finally did! we're growing in our small delulu home, and i love it. <3 i hope you enjoy this one!

dividers by @cafekitsune

comments, reblogs, and likes are highly appreciated. thank you! ♡

“come on! tell me more about this mystery guy.”

natasha plopped down the couch beside you while she held a pint of ice cream in her hand and a spoonful on its way to her mouth. you were talking about the blind date that sam arranged for you, and she hasn't stopped asking questions since you mentioned it.

“there's really nothing to tell besides that he's a guy looking for a date and that he's friends with sam. i'm actually surprised that sam set this all up, but i trust him, you know? maybe it'll be nice,” you answered, ignoring the fact that sam suggested this to help you get over your not-so-little crush on a super soldier.

your phone beeped, showing a message sent to you by your teammate. “speaking of the devil, sam just sent me the details but i'm really not sure if i should go. it doesn't feel right.”

“and leave the poor guy waiting? not happening." natasha stuck her spoon into her pint and set it down on the coffee table. “you feel that way because you like someone already, but nothing's going to happen if we'll sit here waiting. you're either giving this date a chance or ask bucky out. it's time you finally go out there and see someone. aren't you sick of us yet?"

“i'm quite sick of you, that's for sure.” you joked, having natasha as your room neighbour and basically your best friend. if you weren't spending your time sleeping in your room, you'd be spending it with her. “i just don't think i should be going on dates when i know i'm technically not emotionally available for others yet.”

“oh, you can't be sick of me. i'm great company." natasha replied confidently. “then why did you agree? we all know, besides barnes, that you've liked him for so long. plus, he's never been with anyone for ages. the two of you makes sense.”

you gnawed on your lower lip, hesitant to tell nat the reason why you agreed to this stupid date, but she was your best friend and also one hell of a spy to even try and hide it. “he told me that he found someone similar to bucky and that i might want to meet him. we agreed to let it be a blind date to avoid the mess of telling them that they're meeting an avenger.”

“i knew it. you're going on a rebound date!” she jumped on her seat, as if she'd solved the winning numbers to the lottery. “there was no way you'd suddenly go on a blind date without a catch. you're too hung up on bucky!”

“keep it down!” you pulled her back into the couch, nervously looking around the room to see if anyone was close by. “i'm pretty sure rebounds only apply to people i've dated. bucky's hardly a candidate for that list.”

“you've liked him for way too long that it basically feels like you had a relationship, and i'm pretty sure he likes you too,” natasha said. “trust me, my guts? golden.”

you winced at the thought. there had been zero signs that bucky liked you back. as much as you trusted natasha and her instincts, this was something you couldn't just assume.

“i don't think so, nat. i've given him enough hints. it's either he's too dense about it or he's just not interested. maybe it's just how it's supposed to be, and i can't keep myself stuck with maybes forever.” you sighed, deciding to finally go to the blind date. “help me pick an outfit?”

“like you even have to ask?” she smiled, dragging you to your room while you were still left with uncertainty in your heart.

the restaurant was one of those hole-in-the-wall places in downtown new york. it had a lot people dining inside, their noise easily heard from the outside, yet the ambiance already felt warm and welcoming. you wondered if sam suggested the place or the guy you were about to meet.

you sighed, giving your chest one last tap since it wouldn't stop beating so fast. it was a wonder how your heartbeat remained stable during a risky mission, while a harmless date had you this nervous. although with that, you felt human.

“okay, let's see where this goes,” you muttered to yourself, glancing at your watch that had a tracking device in it, as requested (or ordered) by your best friend.

natasha initially opted to come with you and seat somewhere far, but you told her that you didn't need it. so, she settled with a tracking device, as if you weren't an avenger who could defend yourself. you couldn't find it in you to complain, since this was natasha's own way of showing that she cared.

you entered the restaurant, eyes wandering around the room despite not knowing exactly what to look for. the only details you were allowed to know was that “joseph” knew where to take you, so you assumed that person was one of the staff that you had to look for.

once you found a waitress that didn't look too occupied, you approached her with a smile. “excuse me, may i know where joseph is?”

the lady looked up at you, recognition evident on her face. you were slightly worried that she knew your identity, but she gave you a warm smile and held your arm gently. “oh, he's right there by the counter. let me take you to him!”

she escorted you towards the man handling the counter that seemed to be where the orders were taken. he was shouting various orders behind him while arranging the food on the counter. by the looks of it, he could be the manager or the owner of the place.

��she's here!” the lady beside you exclaimed, catching the full attention of joseph.

“ah, there's our special guest for tonight!” joseph walked around the counter to hug you, as if you knew each other for a long time. “come, come! we have the best spot reserved for you. it's right outside where you can enjoy the view while also having some privacy, eh? your date already arrived, but no worries. he wasn't waiting for too long.”

you were rendered speechless as he took you to the patio, not expecting your date to arrive first, and most importantly not expecting to see him right away. you thought you were early enough, but it seems that your date was an earlier bird than you were.

once outside, all you could see was an empty patio with one man sitting not so far from where you were standing. you hated how you could only see his back and not his face, since he was facing the opposite direction. although, you immediately noticed how he was dressed similarly to bucky.

similar haircut, black boots, and a black jacket. while you weren't sure if they actually looked alike, sam wasn't kidding about them having some similarities.

“how come it's empty out here?” you asked with genuine curiosity. the restaurant was oozing with customers tonight, and they could surely use the extra space outdoors.

“well, uh...” joseph scratched his head, smiling awkwardly as he looked for an answer. “oh, well, stop worrying about that! you're here to go on a date and nothing more! let us worry about that ourselves, hm? come, let's not make your date wait for too long.”

you both walked towards the only table occupied, taking a deep breath before joseph announced, “your date has arrived!”

the man turned around, eyes widened at the sudden noise, but he eventually smiled once he looked at you.

“hey, nice to finally meet you.” he stood up, extending his hand. “i'm martin.”

one look at him and you knew that your heart stubbornly stayed with someone you shouldn't be thinking about.

“i still can't believe that i'm on a date with an avenger.”

you were barely done with your meal despite being here for more than an hour, and martin hasn't been able to stop gushing about your whole avenger sideline. while you understood his excitement, this wasn't the type of date that you hoped for.

“you think i could tell my friends?” he asked, suddenly nudging his chair closer to you that he was basically sitting beside you. “they probably won't believe me, so will it be okay if we took a picture?”

oh, so that's why he moved closer.

“sure.” you forced a smile. “but don't get too close, maybe? i'm.. i'm not that comfortable yet.”

as if you said nothing, he placed an arm over your shoulder, pulling you even closer to him. you've been through worse situations than this, but you were highly uncomfortable having your boundaries crossed.

bucky wouldn't do something like this. how did sam think that any of his behaviour was similar to him?

martin already had his phone out, capturing pictures and squeezing your arm, when you decided that this isn't what you wanted, but before you could open your mouth, you felt someone pulling his arm off of you, causing martin to scream.

“what is wrong with you!?” martin shouted, standing up and stepping away while he held his aching arm. when you turned around, you felt your heart stop to find the person you least expected to be here, but wanted the most to be with.

“bucky?”

he did not look at you, his eyes still fixated on martin, nostrils flaring as he took a step closer, standing in front of you as if he was shielding you, while martin took the same amount of steps backwards. “she clearly said no. what the fuck was so hard about understanding that?”

“look, man, i don't know what you're doing here, but i think this is between me and her,” he said, his eyes showing fear as he watched the ex-assassin approach him, hearing the gears of his metal arm whirring.

“give me your phone.” bucky ordered. “now.”

martin immediately fished for his phone, nearly dropping it, and gave it to bucky. “w-what are you going to do?”

“no, this is what you're gonna do,” bucky started, crashing martin's phone with ease and carelessly throwing it to the side. “this date never happened, your friends will hear nothing about tonight, and you will get out of here before i finish counting to three. one...”

in a snap, martin was already out of your sight. if you hadn't known martin before this, you would think he idolised pietro with the way he ran so fast.

“are you okay?”

forgetting about bucky for a split second, his voice jolted you out of your thoughts. you looked up, your heart racing, to find him right in front you.

“what are you doing here?”

“that doesn't really answer my question, doll. answer mine first, will ya? then i'll answer yours.”

“i'm okay, but i can take care of myself. you didn't have to scare the guy.” you sighed, trying your best to look displeased when in fact this has been the happiest you've been tonight. “so? why are you here?”

“well, it's really hard to explain...”

“you better try, barnes, because i am very confused right now,” you said. “one moment i'm on a date with someone, then suddenly my teammate, who i told nothing about said date, appears and crushes the phone of the guy i'm with?”

“natasha told me about it.”

you frowned, not surprised with natasha's gossipy nature, but confused about what she could've said that made him go all the way here.

“i was looking for you since you're always with us during dinner, and nat told me that you were on a date. i couldn't help but ask where and with whom, but she said that she had no idea, that it was a blind date. she was more than glad to tell me where you were, so i came here looking for you.”

“why?” you asked, confused and suddenly hopeful at the same time. although, you tried to keep your hopes down, not wanting to set yourself up for a heartbreak.

“what do you mean why? that's it. i was just worried, and now you're okay. can we go home?”

he turned his back on you and walked away, you were quick enough follow him, still unsatisfied with his answer.

once you've reached a dark alley where he had his motorcycle parked, you sighed and decided to ask one more time.

“what are you actually doing here, barnes?” you asked. “i want an actual answer or i'm walking home.”

“it doesn't matter,” bucky answered shortly, frustration. written on his face. “why did you agree to this anyway? doesn't feel like something you'd do.”

“you have no idea about what i feel and what i want to do,” you answered. “and you still haven't answered my question.”

“i don't know, okay? i don't know. i just..” he sighed. “i heard the word date and everything didn't make sense. all i knew was that i wanted to follow you here and stop whatever you were doing. i didn't like it.”

“what gives you the right to stop me from going on a date?” you asked, your head jerked back in disbelief. “and why would it even bother you? this is the first time someone went on a date in the team. so what makes mine so different?”

“what do you think?” he asked, his gaze challenging and curious, waiting for your response.

you stood in silence, his question causing a sudden drift in the conversation. you could feel the tension in the air.

“sam made me go to a blind date as well,” he spoke again. “i just remembered that he was asking me where i'd take someone on a date. days after that, he said he found a girl that i might like, and that i should go on a date with her, he suggested that it should be a blind date, knowing that i'm an avenger and all.”

“why didn't you go?”

“i couldn't. i wasn't interested. i knew it wouldn't work.”

“why?”

“because i already like someone.”

your heart sank, a lump forming in your throat as the reality set in that the person you've been pining for was already interested in someone else.

so much for going on a date to forget about him.

“what about you?” he asked. “why did you go?”

because of you, you idiot.

“trying to get over someone,” you simply answered.

“you were seeing someone?” he asked, completely clueless, but suddenly looking uneasy. “i never knew you were in a relationship. i guess, we're not that close, but i thought i'd at least know abou—”

“what? no!” you replied, voice rising as you spoke. "god, i agreed to this date because i wanted to get over you!"

the words slipped out of your mouth, your eyes widening in surprise as you accidentally reveal the feelings you had kept hidden.

bucky blinked, silence hanging in the air. the confession felt heavy between you as you waited for his response.

“i didn't agree to going on a blind date because i have feelings you,” bucky finally spoke, taking a deep breath before continuing, “because i knew i wouldn't enjoy it knowing i'd be thinking of you anyway, because as convinced as i was that you had no interest in me, i'd rather keep my eyes on you than on anybody else.”

“wait, wait, what? you like me?” you repeated in a slightly disbelieving tone, searching his face for confirmation.

“why would i follow you all the way here if i didn't?”

“because you care? and it might be dangerous to go on a date with someone i've never met?” you guessed. “i mean, i think you'd also do it for everybody else, as grumpy as you look like on the outside, you can be a softie sometimes.”

“if i had no feelings for you, i wouldn't be here. you're an avenger for christ's sake. some random guy would be like a training dummy for you,” he answered. “and no, i wouldn't be doing this for anybody else. if the situation's that dangerous, maybe, but a date? you're all adults. you know what you're doing.”

you couldn't help but giggle at his answer, which earned you a glare from him. “what?”

“nothing.” you shook your head. “you sound like an old man lecturing the younger generation.”

“are we completely ignoring the fact that we like each other?”

“that's the only thing on my mind right now.” you admitted. “are you sure about what you just said? it could be the hunger talking.”

instead of answering, bucky took his phone out of his pocket, swiping and tapping on it a few times before taking your hand and placing it on your palm.

“what am i supposed to—”

“just read it.”

choosing not to argue with him, you grabbed the phone with a frown. his messages with natasha were on the screen, starting from their messages from nearly four months ago. you scrolled through their messages, and while they lasted for months, they were all short and straightforward.

three months ago

bucky:

did you arrive safely?

romanoff:

since when did you start asking?

bucky:

?

romanoff:

yes, we arrived safely.

bucky:

👍🏻

romanoff:

really???

two months ago

bucky:

is she okay?

romanoff:

ohhh, that's why you keep texting.

bucky:

answer

romanoff:

geez, barnes.

yeah, she's okay.

bucky:

ok

one month ago

bucky:

she's sick?

romanoff:

yeah, wanna visit her?

you're basically immune.

bucky:

i have a mission

romanoff:

oh yeah

oops

bucky:

are you busy?

romanoff:

nope

why?

bucky:

take my place

romanoff:

no thanks, barnes.

bucky:

i'll take your next task

and the next one as well

romanoff:

why can't you just take this one?

bucky:

nothing

romanoff:

a reason or i'm not doing it.

bucky:

she's sick

i want to stay

romanoff:

oh my god

you're such a sap

fine i'll talk to steve

bucky:

ty

romanoff:

you're using abbreviations now???

bucky:

👍🏻

one week ago

romanoff:

movie night later, don't ditch us again

bucky:

busy

romanoff:

she planned this one

she's worried you won't come

bucky:

i'll bring snacks

romanoff:

i love knowing your weakness

bring popcorn!

bucky:

she prefers pizza over popcorn

does she like popcorn?

romanoff:

nope, but some of us do.

bucky:

ok

romanoff:

so you're bringing popcorn?

bucky:

no

once you were done reading, you returned his phone back to his hand. “you do like me,” you said, the confession finally sinking in.

bucky nodded. “and you like me too.”

“where does that leave us?” you asked, hoping. “are we.. dating now?”

“no,” he answered quickly.

you felt that ache returning in your chest, but before you could say something, bucky already sensed your worries and he wasn't letting you slip away that easily.

“no because i want to do this right. i want to take you out on a date first, bring you flowers, play music and ask you for a dance, all that stuff that you deserve,” he explained, bringing his warm hand to your cheek. “but trust me that it won't take long before i call you mine. i don't think i have the patience for it at this point.”

“you promise?” you rose to your tiptoes, wrapping your arms around him. “i don't want to wait that long either.”

“you won't,” he replied, leaning into you, his lips brushing against your nose before pulling you in a kiss. “i promise.”

this was supposed to have a lil bonus when they got back to the tower, revealing the team's true involvement with the blind date, buttt i might just do it some other time as a snippet/part 2 instead. i still have a few to write anyway, woops.

if you have any requests for bucky, send them my way! 💌

[headspace-hotel]

This year has, so far, been for me a series of rapid realizations of what I have been unlearning.

I went to the library. This was a couple weeks ago. I knew I needed to read a book, fiction. I hadn't done so in over a year and it was the longest period of time I had ever gone without doing so. I made a rule: I would only pick books I had never heard of, by authors I had never heard of, and I would not do any preliminary research or even bother to look at what the book was about. I would make my decision on whether to read or not purely on my impression of the title, cover and opening lines.

The book was The Connoisseur by Evan S. Connell. It was kind of a random selection. I sat down with it in a corner of the library and straight up devoured it. I tore through the book within a few hours, without taking a single break. I was captivated. I couldn't put it down.

It is a book about a guy who buys a Mayan figurine in a knickknack shop while he's on a business trip. and becomes obsessed with pre-Columbian sculptural art. There isn't really much of a plot apart from this. He goes to sketchy antique shows, has conversations with museum curators, wealthy art dealers and forgers, and seeks to learn how to distinguish a genuine pre-Columbian piece from a fake one. It was written in the 1970's, so the views on Native Americans are antiquated and sometimes offensive, and there is the troubling thread of the very concept of looting another culture's treasures and treating them as collectibles, though the book is not without commentary on this.

All the same, it was a completely intoxicating read. The vicarious experience of becoming fascinated with a topic and having it unfold a whole world for you was ferociously gripping, and so was the intrigue of the art collecting world itself. The frauds, forgeries, smuggling, museums, academics, aristocrats, auctions and seedy flea markets. Will he ever be able to tell if a piece is "real?" Does it matter if it's "real?" Why does he want to own and possess a piece of art, and how does its "realness" affect that desire? The book leaves you not knowing what to think.

It is a book about curiosity, portrayed in the narrative as a totally unreasonable lightning bolt that strikes a man who has never been fascinated by anything and changes him forever. Why? Why does a Mayan figurine, in particular, speak to him? Why does any piece of art, or any fascinating thing in the world, speak to anyone? It is unknowable.

I went to the library again. I picked a new book using the same rules. This book was Fragile Beasts by Tawni O'Dell. Just like the last time, I was totally captivated. I couldn't put it down.

Did I have a couple major problems with the portrayal of some important aspects of the story? Yes. (It would make the post much longer to discuss.) Was I completely captured by and invested in the story for the time I was reading it? Also yes. The book braids together several very different strands-- the story of a legendary Spanish bullfighter and a wealthy American woman that he loved, two brothers stuck in an ugly family situation after their father's death in a car accident, and a rich old heir to a Pennsylvania coal mining fortune and to the sinister underbelly of her family's business.

There was a lot about baseball, which I know nothing about, and bullfighting, which I know nothing about, and I certainly don't know anything about being a teenaged boy who resents and mistrusts his estranged mother, or an aristocratic old lady who lives in a mansion and eats fancy Spanish food. It was fun to experience so much unfamiliar stuff and to care about things I wouldn't normally care about. Once again I couldn't stop reading until I had finished it.

I don't know that either book was "good," though I thought they were both well written; I just know that reading them was like being hooked up to an IV of something essential and life-giving and feeling it reanimating my body.

It had been a year since I had read any fiction, but it had been much, much longer since I had loved to read. As I became an adult I had become picky and critical about books, and developed a highly sophisticated sense of my taste and the books I considered good- which were very rare. My taste in books became so sophisticated, eventually, that I didn't like books at all anymore.

I had almost withered away from deficiency of that essential nutrient known as STORY. I'd almost crumbled myself into dust from pretentiousness! I may have been terribly wrong about the kinds of things I liked to read, on top of it. And I certainly hadn't realized that story was such an essential nutrient.

"Just entertainment" the pretentious sorts of people might say of a book they think is useless-- but what is entertainment but to absorb your mind in something, and what is absorbing your mind in a book but to experience things you would never have experienced? It expands you and makes you more complicated. It is the study of human existence itself.

Now all I have been able to think about today is finishing my work and going to the library again...

[sematarygirls]

GONE  GIRL.                             masterlist

if you know the whereabouts of this person, please call 911 or contact the kildare county sheriff's department at 252-290-6688

       NAV ! Part Two. Part Three. Part Four.

Excerpt from Y/N L/N's Diary

July 18th, 2023,

Step 9: Make Amends Except When To Do So Would Injure Them Or Others.

I've been stuck on this step for a while, wondering if making amends would do more harm than good. Does "injure" encapsulate emotional injury, damages that have repercussions that can't be undone?

I think I have to come clean, to tell the truth, and make things right so I can continue on my journey to better myself. I've done a lot of bad things and hurt a lot of people, and I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be better.

Sometimes I think about disappearing, just leaving and starting over where no one knows my name, but I know running away isn't a solution; it's avoiding my problems and putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. If I'm going to take my recovery seriously, I need to work my program.

But there's this other part of me that's scared, terrified even, of what will happen when I come clean. I've lied to the people I care about most. I've done things that will hurt people if they ever came to light, but I know they will, whether I want them to or not. The best thing I can do is own up to it before it gets out some other way.

The hardest part is knowing how much this will hurt him, how angry he will be. I love him. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. The only thing I can do is move forward and hope that he won't hate me forever.

I'm scared of what's coming, and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

notes .ᐟ kind of a short part, but very cryptic 😏

taglist .ᐟ @lovemesailor / @all4l0vee / @kissesfrmriri / @bradshawed / @rafeslittleangel / @bakugouswaif / @fakedhearts / @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 / @riaras-everthroner / @memoirofasparklemuff1n / @rafeysangelbaby / @starkeying / @stayonmars / @mileyraes / @davinashifts333 / @sabrina-carpenter-stan-account / @or-was-it-just-a-dream / @elvislover1967 / @maybankslover / @sereneera / @venicebiatxh / @izurelia / @starkeysswife / @drewstarkeyspecs / @rafeysbangs / @jeonjungkaka / @laniirackssss

                                ୭ৎ

[miyuka1709]

I want to write Sommie but I'm lazy and also I have no idea what to do with her, her psyche, her themes.

So I decided to just play the Stranger route and write down all her possible dialogues alongside Sinist's.

(Spoilers for Chapter II : The Stranger under the cut)

> For all I know, you're locked up down here for a reason. Do you know why you're down here?

Somber : “But you know, right? You have to know. You're the only other person I've ever seen, or at least the only one I can remember. Don't give me false hope. Please just end this already. One way or another, just do it.”

Sinister : “Don’t be coy. We both know why I'm locked away here. I'm a monster, and the second I get out of this place, I'm going to end the entire world.”

> You're apparently a threat to the world. I was sent here to slay you.

Sinister : “Because I am. Everything you've heard about me is true, and I am going to lay waste to everything. Starting with you.”

> If I let you out of here, what are you going to do?

Sinister : “Besides, you already know what I'm going to do.”

Somber : “If you want to put an end to me, then put an end to me.”

> Getting down here was… weird. Like I was pulled apart and put back together again. Do you know what happened to me?

Somber : “We're probably stuck down here forever, aren't we? There's no way out, and barely a way in.”

Sinister : (Oho~) “I thought they would send something better to deal with me. If the stairs managed to chew you up, I will devour you.”

> What's your name?

Somber : “It doesn't matter. I've been down here for so long. What's the point of a name if there's no one around to use it?”

Sinister : “I don't need a name. My name is whatever hushed whispers follow in the wake of my devastation.”

> There's more of you now

Somber : “I don't feel like I've gotten any bigger.”

Sinister : “It must be fear creeping into your heart. You know you can't stop me.”

---

Now I just have to spend a week thinking about what to do about them and trying to come up with a somewhat unique voice for their chapter IIs

Somber/Hopeless is basically Broken if he was a Princess? Whiny, sad, seeks peace, safety, comfort, passive.

Sinister is basically Nightmare Princess but less scary or powerful.

Now what

[angelsdean]

hot take maybe but actually i do expect my mom to comfort me and make me an ice cream sundae when i’m sad even when i get to 40 and she’s 70. my grandma does that for her still. it’s not. limiting her. it’s not saying she only has to be my mommy. i have taken care of her too. it’s saying we love each other and want to take care of each other. mary struggling to be able to interact with grown up sam and dean was very very valid and understandable and i love her for it. she also could’ve maybe tried a little more anyway. they could’ve lent on each other. idk.

Yea i've said before that I think it's a bit outrageous the way people seem to think someone stops being a parent once their child reaches adulthood. Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know, but the whole idea of "once your kid turns 18 they're out the door and not your problem anymore" is so deeply flawed IMO. But yea I focus more on "debunking" the claim that Dean expects some sort of motherly coddling / babying from Mary because that seems to be the deancrit take I see the most with regards to this arc / the "i'm not just a mom" scene.

But for sure many people seem to have some weird ideas IMO about what it means to be a parent. Like I think you can feel for Mary and understand that parents can and are more than just parents, but also understand that they will never stop BEING a parent either. Their kids will always be their kids. It's why people always say being a parent is a full time job, not something to go into lightly, that you should be sure you actually want kids and understand that having them is a lifelong commitment etc etc. And having kids makes them become your priority, even when you want to be selfish you always have to try to put them first. Obviously that lessens as they grow up but like, if your adult child were injured or had some kind of health issue / challenges as a parent it's still your job to be there for them, to support them, to care for them. That doesn't just end at 18. It's why *I* know that even though I like the idea of kids I probably never will have any because it's so much responsibility and because those kids are always always going to come first, forever! That's kind of part of the parental "contract" IMO. And even when they're adults, a parent should still be the one person in the world your kid can turn to, rely on, seek comfort in.

And I understand these expectations are complicated in this particular narrative by the fact that Mary died young and is not equipped to be a mother to adults. I think that's such a delicious component that I wish they leaned into more. She is grieving her babies. She is allowed to feel those feelings and feel confused and unsure and struggle with accepting this new dynamic with her children. But a big part of Mary's arc in s12, which culminates in 12x22 with "I need you to see me" is that she is the one stuck in the past, needing to accept her reality and "SEE" her children for who they are now. That's what the arc is moving towards, that acceptance. And after s12 we see her and Dean have a better relationship. We see her still getting to be Mary the person AND Mary the "mom." She hunts, she comes and goes, but she's someone Dean can talk to, share a meal with, spend time together. It's what he always wanted most. He tells her in 14x11 that "just knowing you're around, that you're alive has meant everything to me."

Anyways, I won't ramble about all that again because I've made a bunch of posts about it already. But yes, I think it's normal for Dean (and Sam) to want Mary to comfort them, do nice things for them, the way any parent or really a family member in general might do. They are not asking for kisses on their boo-boos and getting tucked into bed with a bedtime story, which is how a lot of deancrit posts read. What they want is some sort of familial reciprocal care. Like the way Dean spends quality time with those he loves. The way he baked a cake for Jack. Cooks for his family. The way he gives people gifts. The way he fixes Cas's truck. The way he calls to check in on people. He doesn't do these things out of some obligation or playing some "role", he does them because he cares. Because he loves his family, and that's just what family does for each other.

Someone in my tags last night said it very well that what Dean really wanted was just, another family member, to spend time with, to share their joys and burdens with. Someone like Bobby, that he could turn to if he needed. Bobby was a parent figure but he wasn't "parenting" them, y'know? He was someone Dean could lean on, but he didn't expect Bobby to shoulder all his burdens. And I think that's what Dean wants most. Just someone he can lean on and rely on, since he's been having to be the strong one for everyone his whole life.

[opreaadriann]

Help with Revenge Ideas

So, right now I'm writing the plans that the MC can choose to make his presence known and make the targets unnerved.

I was going to tell you all about it in the weekly update but I know a lot of you got ideas for revenge and subtle, petty stuff, so I would be grateful with some help if you guys got ideas.

So, here's how I went with it: You can either choose to do 3 small things to unnerve your targets, do a big thing to announce their comeuppance, or do nothing.

For the small things, here are the ideas I came up with:

Dylan 1 - Make him find a copy of your favorite statue (not the original, fixed one) from childhood with its mouth broken (cause he's a snitch, ya know?)

Dylan 2 - Create a fake account with your childhood nickname (added this to chapter 1 to fit) and comment on his live stream of the dance how you remember the Tragedy

Olivia 1 - Make the presenter who talks before the Fighting Rooster performance use the same words uttered between you and Olivia before the dance (best friends forever, sad because this is the last year together).

Olivia 2 - Make someone spill punch on her and mention that they heard she likes it (I don't like this one, I feel it's weak and would be better for Haley)

Michael (if crush) - Make the opposing fans jeer "Ew" every time Michael is at-bat during the homecoming game

Cecily (if crush) - Make the opposing fans jeer "Ew" during a ceremony where she leaves her crown from last year for the homecoming royalty successor

Michael and Cecily (if not crush) - Disclaimer: this one is kinda fucked up, I don’t know why I went so hardcore. Make them find a fake prosthetic head of their dog, Godfather-style

Vivian 1 - For the photobooth at the homecoming dance, add a filter that adds bloody broken glasses on your face (this is from the bullying content added in chapter 1)

Vivian 2 - Stamp “creep” on her dress

Isaac 1 - Stick a poster on his locker with his face and a target over it with darts stuck into it. How Isaac announced his lamb every week, MC will announce him as their target.

Isaac 2 - idk, kill him? Jk jk. Or am I?

Connor - Not sure yet. Something about him being two-faced.

Haley - Probably something with punch. Still thinking here as well

For the big thing I want MC to write with invisible ink “Creep” all over the walls, all creepy-like, and on the homecoming royalty crowns as well. After the homecoming king and queen announcement, power goes out and everyone sees the “threat.” It works pretty well if you’re homecoming royalty as well.

So, yeah. I wanna know if you guys have ideas for the smaller annoyances to unnerve the targets. I’ve made another poll where you can input your own ideas and I’ll see if I can work with any of them! If you had some petty cool way of scaring the targets in mind, this is your moment to shine!

[girlwith15cents]

Oversharing on the internet about ADHD

I've been trying to write this post for awhile now. It relates to my previous post about mental disabilities. But it's proving difficult cause it keeps sounding too pathetic, but that's kinda the point.

I, in my present, have an idea of who I am. My interests, how I act, how I dress, who I associate with, my gender expression. These are all observable things. Ways that other people can form opinions on me. These are, by most means, who I am.

However, who I want to be is pretty drastically separate from that. I know a version of me that I can try and project but will always fall short of. I want to learn and enjoy makeup. I want a larger wardrobe of clothes that I genuinely like. I want to learn an instrument. I want to get into streaming games for fun. I want to be able to take my friends out to dinner and buy them gifts and go around the city with them. I have so many ideas for tattoos and I have piercings I want to get. There are so many things I want and yet cannot have and have no real avenue to get.

The reason I cannot reach for these (very reasonable) things is because of my lack of capital and personal agency. Extremely debilitating executive dysfunction has stripped me of any milestones of adulthood someone of my age might be seeing. I've never been able to hold a job without growing deeply suicidal due to the effort required. Hobbies cost money. Rent costs money. Expressions of the self cost money. I have always had to exist within the confines of someone else's generosity to take care of me. It has stripped me of opportunities to grow as a person. It has made me less and less who I want to be and more who I am.

All too often because of this people don't take me seriously. Financial burden that I am, I have learned to make myself small better than any other skill. I choke up when asked to assert my wants. I put others first. I'm quiet and guarded. Any strive to make myself the person I want to be feels deeply embarrassing. Like a child who is convinced they're something they aren't. So people who meet me see the child. They see the loser who won't take steps towards employment because they're lazy. They see the girl who orbits a social group but never belongs. They see a nice girl who has far less desirable qualities than the other candidate for this job position. It hurts so fucking bad to be condescended to without any ability to rebut it.

So when does it end? When I find work that won't end up being the death of me? When our government wises up and pushes for UBI or expands upon disability payments? When they invent adderal that doesn't have a million side effects? When I get sick of it and give up? There's no real end in sight, and every time ADHD gets laughed at as a pop-psych joke it gets further away. Am I doomed to be a child forever? When will I see the respect I know I deserve?

And sure, pathologizing behavior is 'bad'. Maybe the answer to all my woes is to grit my teeth harder than I already have been my entire life. Maybe the real reason I see no forward movement is because I'm projecting my own helplessness. But can't it be a little easier? Everyone else is having a rough time, but at least they're having a time. The behavior I exhibit is very normal to neurotypical people on a bad day, but it makes up my entire existence. And it sure feels a hell of a lot more severe than someone having a day of bad focus.

The fucked up thing about it is that I like me. The present me and the me I want to be. We both have so much to offer. We're both one of the best friends you've ever had. We both have skills and qualities that make us very likeable people. But these qualities have little to no monetary value. Any way that I could monetize it would also require investment. Investment that I cannot make without agency. So I'm stuck as a vague bundle of good qualities and talents that everyone sees so much potential in and is eagerly awaiting a moment where I channel it somewhere. A moment that will never occur without agency.

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Hey Capn’. i’d like to project a scene for you

(Echoes https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL05gkJPL0kUn7RLasvjnkK615yGnAhFLU&si=GtPeFzJG8OipYqWJ)

there’s a world where life and death are connected like a ring, or some say a spiral. Like sleep like death you wake up again - whether you want to or not.

the people of this place, along with every living creature, are aware of this cycle; that it is full of suffering. Their goal was to ascend above and beyond it.

they made a utopia where no one had to work and only ever pursued their interests. but even when they had everything they wanted, they still desired to escape. ascension promised them all their desires, free of the struggle. they found a way.

however those who had too many attachments, had too much ego, or weren’t ready didn’t quite leave and didn’t quite stay. Forever stuck, always observing

had you all landed there, do you think you’d have wanted that too, even with that risk? letting go of your animosity, your carnal desires, relationships, and your ego, all so that you might get that lasting peace? Do you even think you could?

- ⛈️

Mm... these are nice. Peaceful.

Hm... Not sure I understand. But eternal life sounds kind of shit, if I'm being real. I figure if we'd landed there our goal would have been to get out and get back home, but if we were trapped for long enough, well... I think Daisuke's the only one of us who might be able to handle the idea of eternity. Maybe Swansea. Jim would like the idea of it. Don't know how well he'd handle it in practice, but maybe he'd surprise me. Anya and I, though, we'd never last. We'd want out. But that's just my thoughts based on this limited information.

[fridayyy-13th]

wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.

[knockknockitsnickels]

I think this is one of my favorite lines from the Wraith route because of (imo) how much the meaning changes depending on if you got there via Spectre or Nightmare. For Spectre, it honestly strikes me as a genuine question. Why are you doing this to her? If you're on the Spectre route, you presumably already know the Narrator can't really be trusted, since you had to reject his reward to get here. What are you hoping to gain from continuing to hurt her? For Nightmare, it honestly just makes me sad. As the Shifting Mound describes her, "She desires only companionship, but the only thing she knows is how to hurt." This line feels like a plea from someone who genuinely doesn't understand why you keep rejecting her. She wants to be with you, but she just can't understand how to do that in a way which doesn't hurt you.

[frameconfessions]

I hope they don't make The Drifter and by proxy The Hex irrelevant by just leaving them in 1999 forever like how Excalibur Umbra stopped being story relevant.

[alackofghosts]

it always makes me so happy when people say my ardbert/wol art feels joyous 🥹 i always really wanna get that across.....

[wwerasliin-sideblog]

Personally I'm choosing not to see Jey's IC Championship reign as a "hand off" ; or "transitional" ; or an obligatory "reward" —

He deserves better than his reign being "labeled".

This is all for the draw back into the Bloodline drama story. From the very beginning, this is what it was. But, also... It was to show that Jey IS capable. He showed he DOES deserve it. Showing he IS a Champion. Showing he CAN do it. He's proved he's got the fans with him. He's backed himself. He's established himself, and he's proven himself. He's always going to stick to and believe - "hard work will always pay off."

Of course Roman and Jimmy weren't going to interfere. Jey would've been absolutely livid if they did. He doesn't want them 'tainting' his reign. He wants it on his own merit. To earn it himself. Even if that means loosing. He sure as heck isn't going to go back to the old ways of the Bloodline retaining their championships; Roman's way of remaining Champ, and retaining.

This could possibly push him over the edge, making him desperate, scratchy, scrappy and scrambling even. He's now got *rage*; a bone to pick with the Bloodline 2.0. How's it going to tie in with the OG Bloodline? Even if they have the same goal now - taking down baby brother Solo? Is it going to be "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" type of situation? Or, like I mentioned in my previous post, "fix/heal what's between us" before we try and fix the outside — then we "fix" the outside together?

Having one over them, with the title was one of the things that gave Jey the confidence to say -Screw you. Right now, I am better than you, I've got the credibility- Now that he doesn't have that (not that he needs it) is he going to be a little more susceptible...

This IS the reaction they (wwe) wanted -

Outrage and desperation seeping into us. The fury, rage and disappointment so palpable. Our hearts beating with heated anger, inflamed with a certain kind of sadness. It has us aching for him, backing him more than ever before. He's made to suffer and all we want to do is pick him up and make sure he's okay, and he's given the best. Hold his hand and walk with him into a bright and better future filled with greater things.

All I can say is that he's got another level of support after this ridiculous travesty, the support has only grown; strengthen, heightened, deepened, intensified, and cemented to an even greater degree.

[dllamarama]

Episode 16 Queen of Tears BaekHong recap

I just have to say this again. It was fine if this amnesia plot happened in an earlier episode so that we can see Hae In slowly fall in love with Hyun Woo again even with YES manipulation. We should be able to see Hae In being guided by her own feelings towards Hyun Woo instead of just relying on her notebook or memories. To see they rediscover their miraculous love and how it blooms into something stronger than their attraction in the past. I love the angst from the early episodes and I imagine how perfect this drama would be if they can show the slow burn of their rediscovery of love. BUT… We lost a much more important plot for the BaekHong couple because PJE is much more interested in making more plot twists and having a ridiculous climax episode where Hyun Woo was hit by a car and then shot by YES but miraculously live. Even without the gunshot scene, it was already a life threatening situation for Hyun Woo after the accident. He had a severe ribs and liver injury WITH suspected internal bleeding. But that man survives (of course) it in the end even with a gunshot and loss of blood. I’m not complaining that the man survives (no one even surprised that he lives) but the extravagance of the situation was totally unnecessary when you have so many things left unexplained.

Scene: The promise he made

I’m kind of angry and disbelieving that they chose to show his promise right after he was being hit by the car. I don’t understand what more they want from him? He already realised his mistake and paid for it with their divorce and allowing Hae In to do as she please with the process, he got his karma when Hae In loss her memory and treated him badly which was how he was treated after their big fight which was also the start of their relationship going downhill. Both of them contribute the same for their divorce but I thought it was already settled when they both had a talk in front of Yongduri supermarket in episode 10. So honestly this part of memory just pissed me off.

The writer is portraying him as someone who forgot his promise but the timeline is wrong in my opinion. Hyun Woo promised to always take her side even if she can’t do the same for him. But, this promise comes before he knows that Hae In is a chaebol. After he knew the truth, he was hiding from Hae In by sending his resignation letter and staying at Yongduri when Hae In came with a helicopter to propose to him by promising to not make him cry and to put his trust on her. The problem here is that if they want to make it a point that Hyun Woo broke and forgot his promise to her, it should come with the understanding that he knew the full story. I’m not saying that his promise is invalid because he didn’t know the full story. I just fcking pissed that they had to pointed this out at this exact moment for a guy who had suffered so much from the family that didn’t appreciate him and with his wife that haven’t fully recovered her memory. It just sucks.

Scene: Lunatic Baek Hyun Woo

This guy with a severe rib and liver injury ran away from the ER to save his wife. He endures a long walk in forest which was covered in thick snow while braving through his injury. Does this even make sense? And to know later that he will be shot in his shoulder with a gun but still comes out alive and well. Can’t they make it a bit more realistic and choose one injury out of those two to make him survive till the end? Anyway, Hyun Woo arrives at Queen's family villa and has to walk through the forest in order to keep hiding from YES men. Luckily before he entered the family villa, their keeper’s clever dog found him and led the way to the keeper’s house. Shout out to this clever cutie for helping his saviour. He obtained the back door’s key and was able to find Hae In inside the villa.

Before we get to the point where Hyun Woo saves Hae In, I have something to say about YES's memory of the day Hong Soo Wan died. So, basically the back story is that YES was there when his mom caused the boat to capsize and caused the death of Hae In’s brother and her mother to hate her. I understand that this plot was important for Hae In to testify in court later for MSH crime. But let me stress this again. If you have so many back stories that need explanation, why don’t you do it sooner or have an extra episode? It’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that we didn’t even know how she did that and why was Hae In and her brother the only one on the boat without any adults? So many questions unanswered and so many things were left being told in a half-assed format.

Back to our couple, Hyun Woo cuts off the electricity in the villa and manages to bring Hae In out of there. But, they have to walk a long way through the thick snow to meet up with Yang Gi at the main gate. When Hyun Woo stumbles in the snow and Hae In worries about him, this is the first time she ever talks to him with warmth in her tone and gaze after her surgery. Hyun Woo was touched with her words and held back his tears while reaching to hold her hand and walking side by side through the snow. It seems that they are already close to the main gate before YES appears with crazy eyes holding a gun. Hyun Woo was shot when YES was aiming his gun at Hae In. While this guy is on the verge of dying, the only one he cares about is Hae In and tells her that he is okay while reaching her hands to tell her not to cry. The parallel that we never wanted was shoved to us when Hyun Woo asked her to not go anywhere, the exact same thing that Hae In asked from him in Germany. Hae In’s dialogue to Hyun Woo is also similar to his promises to her in Germany.

Scene: Hyun Woo being loved by everyone

Hae In’s mother finally realised that Hyun Woo was the one who saved Hae In from the drowning accident years ago. She regrets and is ashamed that she treated him badly while he was married to Hae In and giving him a hard time throughout their marriage. But, Hyun Woo’s mother is a saint and Hyun Woo is the exact copy of Jeon Bong Ae. She does not resent Sun Hwa and just asks for her to pray for Hyun Woo so that he can pull through the surgery and to be grateful once he regains consciousness. Another point worth mentioning here, the Queens family owes so much to Hyun Woo and I wanted to see them treating him better. But we never get the chance, because it seems like PJE loves to see him suffer and denying us the chances to see him being respected and doted on by the Queens family or even in the company. He was treated so badly in the family and within the Queens Group itself, but we never saw the difference after all his effort reinstating the Queens family back into their company. It just does not balance out.

Hae In did not move an inch from Hyun Woo’s bedside while waiting for him to regain consciousness. She regrets all her harsh words and treatment for him when she thought that he’s the bad guy due to YES manipulation. She tells him that now she understands why her heart’s ache the first time she sees him in prison and why she keeps making excuses just to see him. She might not love him yet but she will definitely fall in love with him again just how he found his love back towards her. And to think that we were robbed of the opportunities to see them falling in love slowly as she regains her memories and love. After seeing that Hyun Woo does not show any sign of consciousness, Hae In resorts to blackmail (lol). But of course that works on Hyun Woo. He wouldn’t want to see her falling sick and after the moments she told him that she felt dizzy, he just miraculously (decided) to wake up. The first word he utters… Hae In-ah with that weak voice, this parallelism is killing meeeee. Of course it’s Baek Hyun Woo’s signature to ask “gwaenchana?” when he was the one getting hit by a car and shot by a gun in the same night (not to forget braving through a thick snowy forest).

Hae In finally (officially) said sorry for failing to recognise him and couldn’t remember anything while only saying harsh things to him. Hyun Woo cuts her off and said that he also forgot about how much he wanted (desired) her in the past. He forgot his determination to stay by her side through thick and thin. He forgot all about his promises and only caused her pain. He said sorry and that he loves her. He reaches for her hand where she gladly takes it and brings it closer to her lips. He said thank you to her this time and his thank you means so many things; that she comes back to him, for accepting him, for being there for him and for remembering him. My favourite Baek Hyun Woo’s moves; cupping her face and caressing her cheek. Hingggg….. Finally, with only less than one hour left for this series to end, our couple is finally back together and their total screen time for this episode is around 15 minutes only HAHAHAHAHAAA

Scene: Fox Baek Hyun Woo

Where did you learn this behaviour Baek Hyun Woo? Well probably from old Hong Hae In. She was the one giving him the opportunity and advantage to use his foxy skill on the new Hae In. His database for having the foxy attitude includes that;

1) Hae In is VERY jealous of him always being the centre of attraction especially when he is being cute or showing his forearm muscle with rolled up sleeve or even just standing mindlessly while waiting for train.

2) Knowing that he was his first love and probably the only guy she has ever love and will be loved in her life.

3) They are THE couple with the greatest fate of all time.

4) Knowing that he was her most prized possession and the biggest waste to not have in her life.

5) She loves that he is handsome, kind, smart but not arrogant, cooks delicious stew and will always date him even if she’s reborn a hundred times.

6) He knows exactly his effects on her and how to use it.

7) He read her notebook and knew how much he is loved by her.

So, he has all these saved in his database and he is confident with her love for him even though she still doesn’t fully remember all about him. He was unsure of her love for him when he drafted the divorce settlement paper. He probably thinks that he was just a prized possession for her and he got all the qualities she needed in a husband. Hae In also did not express her love for him before their divorce so he had zero knowledge about how much she loved him. But, it’s different now. She started to express her honest feelings for him starting from their trip to Germany for her first treatment. And after that, both of them started to understand each other better. With newly found confidence in their love for each other, they become more expressive and playful.

The way he wrote back to her and purposely not putting the notebook back into her handbag, the way he flirts back to her “Yes, I’m looking at you” makes her speechless for a few seconds and the way he purposely wanted validation from her when she tells him that he is perfect and having all the traits that she loves. I wouldn’t survive a day as Baek Hyun Woo’s wife, I’ll just melt to the floor and evaporate into air. He looks at Hae In like she hung the star on the sky for him and she is the loveliest human being (can’t deny this) on earth.

Scene: This should’ve been done before episode 15

The Queen's family returned to Queens Group and we had a glimpse of our favourite couple’s office romance. Hae In and Hyun Woo resume their positions in the Queens department store. When they bump into each other during lunch time, instead of passing each other and only seeing their backs, they are finally able to greet each other excitedly. Hyun Woo greets her first and tells her and her team to enjoy their lunch. Hae In is acting as nonchalant as possible but we can see clearly that she is giddy and melting inside. Secretary Na is giving Hae In a false hope when she tells her that Hyun Woo had a reservation made at a restaurant famous for marriage proposals. She anticipates the dinner and expects Hyun Woo to call but he didn’t call her, so she calls him. But the reservation was for his legal team dinner and she is disappointed and sulky at the revelation.

She went back home alone and decided to go into Hyun Woo’s bedroom. She stands at the same place Hyun Woo stands in episode 4 and looks around his room. She saw a glow in the dark smiley star on the ceiling and thought that he was too old for that kind of stuff, until… a memory flashes in her mind. She is brought to the day that she decided to get rid of everything inside the room. We saw her conflicted and sad expression while the workers were cleaning the room. She confronted Hyun Woo after she found out that Hyun Woo moves his stuff from their bedroom to their (empty) baby’s room.

They both are sad for the loss of their baby and instead of talking about it and mourning it together, they decided to make a decision based on their current emotional capacity. Our sweet and fragile Hae In with a deep emotional scar from her past trauma, she couldn’t bear the thought of having a room full of baby stuff without anyone to occupy it. She is haunted by her own insecurities and inability to carry a child and birthed it. I need to mention here that she is on medical leave for the miscarriage while Hyun Woo is at work (and obviously distraught) and being alone in this situation will make you overthink and postpartum depression is a bitch. But, she didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. She even shuts Hyun Woo and he was unable to penetrate her shield. Hae In’s sadness and mourning was very complex to be understood, because she bottled up her feelings so often that she herself starts to believe that she is a cold-blooded person unworthy of emotions. So, she hides her feelings and put on a mask to deceive others.

Hyun Woo, our sweet and sensitive Hyun Woo on the other hand wears his emotion on his sleeves. He needed more time to cherish the brief moment of their baby through the room, and for him it seems like Hae In was trying to erase everything about their unborn child by clearing out the nursery. And she did that while he was at work, without discussing it with him. The moment he came home, he saw all the stuff from the nursery was being removed. So, he asked her (flashback from episode 5) while containing his anger and sadness about her decision to clean out the room. But she responded with a defensive and cold tone void of all emotion “It only gets on my nerves (could also be translated as annoying).” He was hurt deeply by her choice of words that were associated with their loss; annoying and useless, like the baby was just an object of purpose and not the fruit of their love. He retreated from her as he realised that she had more important things to attend to; her work, believing that he cannot talk sense into her and the damage has been done anyway. He couldn’t see that she was just better than him at hiding her emotion. Deep down, he knew that her harsh words are not what she intended but maybe he is tired of trying to understand her while her words cut deeper than any wounds at that moment.

She confronted him when she found out he moved his stuff into the nursery. She’s hurt that Hyun Woo moved his stuff without telling her first but he gets back at her by using the same logic, she also made the decision to empty the nursery without telling him. But, Hong Hae In… she was raised in a twisted and toxic household so she heard it as something entirely different, she accused him of something that only her mother would do; blaming her for the miscarriage. Hyun Woo didn’t even spare a breath to deny her accusation while in confusion of her thought process. Before he even finished his sentences, she cut him off with a more venomous assumption, “I know you want to say that it’s my fault!”. Hyun Woo was rendered speechless at this and he sigh unbelievably at that. For, she accuses him of something he never even thought of and for her loss of faith towards him to paint him as something as low as that. And, he walks away again this time because he knows that she will believe nothing no matter what he says. She won’t listen and he stopped trying. They both shut off the other because it is easier for Hyun Woo to mourn freely and for Hae In to think that it is her punishment for failing to keep the baby.

In a way, Hyun Woo was making that decision so that he could cry freely. Hae In wouldn’t know the tears he shed every night missing someone he never met. Even his cry on the first night in the nursery was hushed and suppressed. He doesn't want her to heard his cries despite being in different room. That was his consideration for his wife who was mourning in silence. His whole body was shaking to contain his sorrow and pain.

My imagination just ran wild thinking of the possibility that had they lived in Hyun Woo’s small apartment after marriage. Maybe they will have no choice but to solve their issue faster, they can’t go anywhere in that small space. Even if Hyun Woo went out to clear out his head, he will have to come home and share the same bed with Hae In, maybe realising sooner that she had always waited for him to come home before going to bed. She will know how much he cried at night for the child they lost, he would be able to hug her when he realised that all the harsh words she chose was to protect herself.

I’m just furious and frustrated that; 1) they had to mention about their loss at the last 15 minutes of the last episode of the drama, 2) they talk about it after she loses her memory. Even then, it was too short! It’s like they thought of it at the last minute (but this drama is pre-produced) and goes "Shit! We forgot to give a closure for the reason they fell apart and why this drama begins. Let me just put this here.... there, done!"????¿¿¿. She remembered it as a fragment of her memories not as a whole thing that she experienced. Yes, she felt sad and devastated when she remembered it but the main point of it is that she is just a visitor of the memory and all the feelings from that time were not the same as what she felt when she remembered the moment. So, we did not get a proper closure from both of them because one of them is not present at that moment. Baby 1031 was used as a bridge for Hyun Woo and Hae In to finally take a step forward and move towards marriage in mind (again). If this conversation happened before Hae In lost her memory, we would get a full closure on how the miscarriage had affected them and both of them acknowledge that they both are using the baby’s due date for their password. Their apology would’ve been heartfelt and their journey for their rediscovery of love would feel complete.

Although I agree with Hae In that the reason they fell apart was not because of the miscarriage, but it was definitely what was shaping their relationship early in the marriage. Based on the due date, the incident probably happened just around the time they reach their first year anniversary. So, the remaining two years was the aftermath of their altercation about the nursery and their baby 1031. They probably had not always been rocky throughout the year, but the fact that they are still using separate bedrooms says much more than necessary. It’s true that they did not fall apart solely because of the miscarriage, but largely due to their ego and failure to talk and mend their broken heart and pain when it happens. They let it fester and avoiding the problem because resenting each other was easier than lowering their ego to knock on their doors. But still… For me it feels like there was no closure about baby 1031, I don’t know how to describe it but I just need them to acknowledge their loss of baby together. Because they both mourn on their own and then they never talk about it again, it pains me when I remembered the way Hae In treated their planned pregnancy by her parents in episode 1. She treated their baby as a necessity (I know she didn’t mean that), but I needed to hear that from her about baby 1031. That baby was not because of necessity, that baby was conceived out of love from both of them. And for the writer to not have the decency to at least let them talk about it when Hae In had a full understanding about it was what infuriates me the most.

Summary:

The bittersweet ending of the series will be much more appreciated if the execution of the last two episodes focuses more on the BaekHong couple’s development. Instead, they decided that they want to make the last two episodes in an overdramatic funfair that match makjang drama set up. Unless Baek Hyun Woo died in the last episode then only it will make sense to make the guy being hit by a car and shot by a gun. But, in the end he lives and no one is expecting him to die at the end also. So? All of it was very superficial in order to keep the viewer’s engagement in the plot twists.

[sysig]

I hope you blink before I do (Patreon)

[skrunksthatwunk]

eughhh i feel dumb