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dllamarama · 3 months

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Episode 16 Queen of Tears BaekHong recap

I just have to say this again. It was fine if this amnesia plot happened in an earlier episode so that we can see Hae In slowly fall in love with Hyun Woo again even with YES manipulation. We should be able to see Hae In being guided by her own feelings towards Hyun Woo instead of just relying on her notebook or memories. To see they rediscover their miraculous love and how it blooms into something stronger than their attraction in the past. I love the angst from the early episodes and I imagine how perfect this drama would be if they can show the slow burn of their rediscovery of love. BUT… We lost a much more important plot for the BaekHong couple because PJE is much more interested in making more plot twists and having a ridiculous climax episode where Hyun Woo was hit by a car and then shot by YES but miraculously live. Even without the gunshot scene, it was already a life threatening situation for Hyun Woo after the accident. He had a severe ribs and liver injury WITH suspected internal bleeding. But that man survives (of course) it in the end even with a gunshot and loss of blood. I’m not complaining that the man survives (no one even surprised that he lives) but the extravagance of the situation was totally unnecessary when you have so many things left unexplained.

Scene: The promise he made

I’m kind of angry and disbelieving that they chose to show his promise right after he was being hit by the car. I don’t understand what more they want from him? He already realised his mistake and paid for it with their divorce and allowing Hae In to do as she please with the process, he got his karma when Hae In loss her memory and treated him badly which was how he was treated after their big fight which was also the start of their relationship going downhill. Both of them contribute the same for their divorce but I thought it was already settled when they both had a talk in front of Yongduri supermarket in episode 10. So honestly this part of memory just pissed me off.

The writer is portraying him as someone who forgot his promise but the timeline is wrong in my opinion. Hyun Woo promised to always take her side even if she can’t do the same for him. But, this promise comes before he knows that Hae In is a chaebol. After he knew the truth, he was hiding from Hae In by sending his resignation letter and staying at Yongduri when Hae In came with a helicopter to propose to him by promising to not make him cry and to put his trust on her. The problem here is that if they want to make it a point that Hyun Woo broke and forgot his promise to her, it should come with the understanding that he knew the full story. I’m not saying that his promise is invalid because he didn’t know the full story. I just fcking pissed that they had to pointed this out at this exact moment for a guy who had suffered so much from the family that didn’t appreciate him and with his wife that haven’t fully recovered her memory. It just sucks.

Scene: Lunatic Baek Hyun Woo

This guy with a severe rib and liver injury ran away from the ER to save his wife. He endures a long walk in forest which was covered in thick snow while braving through his injury. Does this even make sense? And to know later that he will be shot in his shoulder with a gun but still comes out alive and well. Can’t they make it a bit more realistic and choose one injury out of those two to make him survive till the end? Anyway, Hyun Woo arrives at Queen's family villa and has to walk through the forest in order to keep hiding from YES men. Luckily before he entered the family villa, their keeper’s clever dog found him and led the way to the keeper’s house. Shout out to this clever cutie for helping his saviour. He obtained the back door’s key and was able to find Hae In inside the villa.

Before we get to the point where Hyun Woo saves Hae In, I have something to say about YES's memory of the day Hong Soo Wan died. So, basically the back story is that YES was there when his mom caused the boat to capsize and caused the death of Hae In’s brother and her mother to hate her. I understand that this plot was important for Hae In to testify in court later for MSH crime. But let me stress this again. If you have so many back stories that need explanation, why don’t you do it sooner or have an extra episode? It’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that we didn’t even know how she did that and why was Hae In and her brother the only one on the boat without any adults? So many questions unanswered and so many things were left being told in a half-assed format.

Back to our couple, Hyun Woo cuts off the electricity in the villa and manages to bring Hae In out of there. But, they have to walk a long way through the thick snow to meet up with Yang Gi at the main gate. When Hyun Woo stumbles in the snow and Hae In worries about him, this is the first time she ever talks to him with warmth in her tone and gaze after her surgery. Hyun Woo was touched with her words and held back his tears while reaching to hold her hand and walking side by side through the snow. It seems that they are already close to the main gate before YES appears with crazy eyes holding a gun. Hyun Woo was shot when YES was aiming his gun at Hae In. While this guy is on the verge of dying, the only one he cares about is Hae In and tells her that he is okay while reaching her hands to tell her not to cry. The parallel that we never wanted was shoved to us when Hyun Woo asked her to not go anywhere, the exact same thing that Hae In asked from him in Germany. Hae In’s dialogue to Hyun Woo is also similar to his promises to her in Germany.

Scene: Hyun Woo being loved by everyone

Hae In’s mother finally realised that Hyun Woo was the one who saved Hae In from the drowning accident years ago. She regrets and is ashamed that she treated him badly while he was married to Hae In and giving him a hard time throughout their marriage. But, Hyun Woo’s mother is a saint and Hyun Woo is the exact copy of Jeon Bong Ae. She does not resent Sun Hwa and just asks for her to pray for Hyun Woo so that he can pull through the surgery and to be grateful once he regains consciousness. Another point worth mentioning here, the Queens family owes so much to Hyun Woo and I wanted to see them treating him better. But we never get the chance, because it seems like PJE loves to see him suffer and denying us the chances to see him being respected and doted on by the Queens family or even in the company. He was treated so badly in the family and within the Queens Group itself, but we never saw the difference after all his effort reinstating the Queens family back into their company. It just does not balance out.

Hae In did not move an inch from Hyun Woo’s bedside while waiting for him to regain consciousness. She regrets all her harsh words and treatment for him when she thought that he’s the bad guy due to YES manipulation. She tells him that now she understands why her heart’s ache the first time she sees him in prison and why she keeps making excuses just to see him. She might not love him yet but she will definitely fall in love with him again just how he found his love back towards her. And to think that we were robbed of the opportunities to see them falling in love slowly as she regains her memories and love. After seeing that Hyun Woo does not show any sign of consciousness, Hae In resorts to blackmail (lol). But of course that works on Hyun Woo. He wouldn’t want to see her falling sick and after the moments she told him that she felt dizzy, he just miraculously (decided) to wake up. The first word he utters… Hae In-ah with that weak voice, this parallelism is killing meeeee. Of course it’s Baek Hyun Woo’s signature to ask “gwaenchana?” when he was the one getting hit by a car and shot by a gun in the same night (not to forget braving through a thick snowy forest).

Hae In finally (officially) said sorry for failing to recognise him and couldn’t remember anything while only saying harsh things to him. Hyun Woo cuts her off and said that he also forgot about how much he wanted (desired) her in the past. He forgot his determination to stay by her side through thick and thin. He forgot all about his promises and only caused her pain. He said sorry and that he loves her. He reaches for her hand where she gladly takes it and brings it closer to her lips. He said thank you to her this time and his thank you means so many things; that she comes back to him, for accepting him, for being there for him and for remembering him. My favourite Baek Hyun Woo’s moves; cupping her face and caressing her cheek. Hingggg….. Finally, with only less than one hour left for this series to end, our couple is finally back together and their total screen time for this episode is around 15 minutes only HAHAHAHAHAAA

Scene: Fox Baek Hyun Woo

Where did you learn this behaviour Baek Hyun Woo? Well probably from old Hong Hae In. She was the one giving him the opportunity and advantage to use his foxy skill on the new Hae In. His database for having the foxy attitude includes that;

1) Hae In is VERY jealous of him always being the centre of attraction especially when he is being cute or showing his forearm muscle with rolled up sleeve or even just standing mindlessly while waiting for train.

2) Knowing that he was his first love and probably the only guy she has ever love and will be loved in her life.

3) They are THE couple with the greatest fate of all time.

4) Knowing that he was her most prized possession and the biggest waste to not have in her life.

5) She loves that he is handsome, kind, smart but not arrogant, cooks delicious stew and will always date him even if she’s reborn a hundred times.

6) He knows exactly his effects on her and how to use it.

7) He read her notebook and knew how much he is loved by her.

So, he has all these saved in his database and he is confident with her love for him even though she still doesn’t fully remember all about him. He was unsure of her love for him when he drafted the divorce settlement paper. He probably thinks that he was just a prized possession for her and he got all the qualities she needed in a husband. Hae In also did not express her love for him before their divorce so he had zero knowledge about how much she loved him. But, it’s different now. She started to express her honest feelings for him starting from their trip to Germany for her first treatment. And after that, both of them started to understand each other better. With newly found confidence in their love for each other, they become more expressive and playful.

The way he wrote back to her and purposely not putting the notebook back into her handbag, the way he flirts back to her “Yes, I’m looking at you” makes her speechless for a few seconds and the way he purposely wanted validation from her when she tells him that he is perfect and having all the traits that she loves. I wouldn’t survive a day as Baek Hyun Woo’s wife, I’ll just melt to the floor and evaporate into air. He looks at Hae In like she hung the star on the sky for him and she is the loveliest human being (can’t deny this) on earth.

Scene: This should’ve been done before episode 15

The Queen's family returned to Queens Group and we had a glimpse of our favourite couple’s office romance. Hae In and Hyun Woo resume their positions in the Queens department store. When they bump into each other during lunch time, instead of passing each other and only seeing their backs, they are finally able to greet each other excitedly. Hyun Woo greets her first and tells her and her team to enjoy their lunch. Hae In is acting as nonchalant as possible but we can see clearly that she is giddy and melting inside. Secretary Na is giving Hae In a false hope when she tells her that Hyun Woo had a reservation made at a restaurant famous for marriage proposals. She anticipates the dinner and expects Hyun Woo to call but he didn’t call her, so she calls him. But the reservation was for his legal team dinner and she is disappointed and sulky at the revelation.

She went back home alone and decided to go into Hyun Woo’s bedroom. She stands at the same place Hyun Woo stands in episode 4 and looks around his room. She saw a glow in the dark smiley star on the ceiling and thought that he was too old for that kind of stuff, until… a memory flashes in her mind. She is brought to the day that she decided to get rid of everything inside the room. We saw her conflicted and sad expression while the workers were cleaning the room. She confronted Hyun Woo after she found out that Hyun Woo moves his stuff from their bedroom to their (empty) baby’s room.

They both are sad for the loss of their baby and instead of talking about it and mourning it together, they decided to make a decision based on their current emotional capacity. Our sweet and fragile Hae In with a deep emotional scar from her past trauma, she couldn’t bear the thought of having a room full of baby stuff without anyone to occupy it. She is haunted by her own insecurities and inability to carry a child and birthed it. I need to mention here that she is on medical leave for the miscarriage while Hyun Woo is at work (and obviously distraught) and being alone in this situation will make you overthink and postpartum depression is a bitch. But, she didn’t want to talk about it to anyone. She even shuts Hyun Woo and he was unable to penetrate her shield. Hae In’s sadness and mourning was very complex to be understood, because she bottled up her feelings so often that she herself starts to believe that she is a cold-blooded person unworthy of emotions. So, she hides her feelings and put on a mask to deceive others.

Hyun Woo, our sweet and sensitive Hyun Woo on the other hand wears his emotion on his sleeves. He needed more time to cherish the brief moment of their baby through the room, and for him it seems like Hae In was trying to erase everything about their unborn child by clearing out the nursery. And she did that while he was at work, without discussing it with him. The moment he came home, he saw all the stuff from the nursery was being removed. So, he asked her (flashback from episode 5) while containing his anger and sadness about her decision to clean out the room. But she responded with a defensive and cold tone void of all emotion “It only gets on my nerves (could also be translated as annoying).” He was hurt deeply by her choice of words that were associated with their loss; annoying and useless, like the baby was just an object of purpose and not the fruit of their love. He retreated from her as he realised that she had more important things to attend to; her work, believing that he cannot talk sense into her and the damage has been done anyway. He couldn’t see that she was just better than him at hiding her emotion. Deep down, he knew that her harsh words are not what she intended but maybe he is tired of trying to understand her while her words cut deeper than any wounds at that moment.

She confronted him when she found out he moved his stuff into the nursery. She’s hurt that Hyun Woo moved his stuff without telling her first but he gets back at her by using the same logic, she also made the decision to empty the nursery without telling him. But, Hong Hae In… she was raised in a twisted and toxic household so she heard it as something entirely different, she accused him of something that only her mother would do; blaming her for the miscarriage. Hyun Woo didn’t even spare a breath to deny her accusation while in confusion of her thought process. Before he even finished his sentences, she cut him off with a more venomous assumption, “I know you want to say that it’s my fault!”. Hyun Woo was rendered speechless at this and he sigh unbelievably at that. For, she accuses him of something he never even thought of and for her loss of faith towards him to paint him as something as low as that. And, he walks away again this time because he knows that she will believe nothing no matter what he says. She won’t listen and he stopped trying. They both shut off the other because it is easier for Hyun Woo to mourn freely and for Hae In to think that it is her punishment for failing to keep the baby.

In a way, Hyun Woo was making that decision so that he could cry freely. Hae In wouldn’t know the tears he shed every night missing someone he never met. Even his cry on the first night in the nursery was hushed and suppressed. He doesn't want her to heard his cries despite being in different room. That was his consideration for his wife who was mourning in silence. His whole body was shaking to contain his sorrow and pain.

My imagination just ran wild thinking of the possibility that had they lived in Hyun Woo’s small apartment after marriage. Maybe they will have no choice but to solve their issue faster, they can’t go anywhere in that small space. Even if Hyun Woo went out to clear out his head, he will have to come home and share the same bed with Hae In, maybe realising sooner that she had always waited for him to come home before going to bed. She will know how much he cried at night for the child they lost, he would be able to hug her when he realised that all the harsh words she chose was to protect herself.

I’m just furious and frustrated that; 1) they had to mention about their loss at the last 15 minutes of the last episode of the drama, 2) they talk about it after she loses her memory. Even then, it was too short! It’s like they thought of it at the last minute (but this drama is pre-produced) and goes "Shit! We forgot to give a closure for the reason they fell apart and why this drama begins. Let me just put this here.... there, done!"????¿¿¿. She remembered it as a fragment of her memories not as a whole thing that she experienced. Yes, she felt sad and devastated when she remembered it but the main point of it is that she is just a visitor of the memory and all the feelings from that time were not the same as what she felt when she remembered the moment. So, we did not get a proper closure from both of them because one of them is not present at that moment. Baby 1031 was used as a bridge for Hyun Woo and Hae In to finally take a step forward and move towards marriage in mind (again). If this conversation happened before Hae In lost her memory, we would get a full closure on how the miscarriage had affected them and both of them acknowledge that they both are using the baby’s due date for their password. Their apology would’ve been heartfelt and their journey for their rediscovery of love would feel complete.

Although I agree with Hae In that the reason they fell apart was not because of the miscarriage, but it was definitely what was shaping their relationship early in the marriage. Based on the due date, the incident probably happened just around the time they reach their first year anniversary. So, the remaining two years was the aftermath of their altercation about the nursery and their baby 1031. They probably had not always been rocky throughout the year, but the fact that they are still using separate bedrooms says much more than necessary. It’s true that they did not fall apart solely because of the miscarriage, but largely due to their ego and failure to talk and mend their broken heart and pain when it happens. They let it fester and avoiding the problem because resenting each other was easier than lowering their ego to knock on their doors. But still… For me it feels like there was no closure about baby 1031, I don’t know how to describe it but I just need them to acknowledge their loss of baby together. Because they both mourn on their own and then they never talk about it again, it pains me when I remembered the way Hae In treated their planned pregnancy by her parents in episode 1. She treated their baby as a necessity (I know she didn’t mean that), but I needed to hear that from her about baby 1031. That baby was not because of necessity, that baby was conceived out of love from both of them. And for the writer to not have the decency to at least let them talk about it when Hae In had a full understanding about it was what infuriates me the most.

Summary:

The bittersweet ending of the series will be much more appreciated if the execution of the last two episodes focuses more on the BaekHong couple’s development. Instead, they decided that they want to make the last two episodes in an overdramatic funfair that match makjang drama set up. Unless Baek Hyun Woo died in the last episode then only it will make sense to make the guy being hit by a car and shot by a gun. But, in the end he lives and no one is expecting him to die at the end also. So? All of it was very superficial in order to keep the viewer’s engagement in the plot twists.

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sysig · 5 months

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I hope you blink before I do (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #DAX #Blood #Fuck you *reinjects romance into your song about love-lost*#It's the ''I want to be the one to lay you to rest'' of it all #Or if not that then at least to be the last one suffering #See him off - make sure he goes knowing that he's not alone #I'm Fine just Don't Look at me and I'll Be Fine #Schrödinger's Fine lol - I am simultaneously Fine and Not Fine until I am observed #I simply subsist largely off of angst and then whatever small scrap of comfort that can be coaxed from there hehe #I am very mean to them considering how much I want them to be happy lol #Honestly I think what would be meaner is seeing ZEX off and then somehow DAX survives alone #Night ends just as he's about to blink out and oops you're still stuck here sorry about that <3 #But I wouldn't do that to them would I?#:3c #I also think it's interesting that I started doodling this before I actually read ZEX's death - I finished it after but still!#Does he just give off gutted vibes? Canonically he's eviscerated so #And not just in the eye way - in this case it's enucleation #Did you come here for eye removal surgery puns? I don't see why you'd expect anything different *b'dm tss*#I've done way more research on eye removal than I ever expected to but now those two terms will be forever seared into my mind haha #Hhh ZEX's death was very affecting to me ;; I'll talk about it more with its accompanying doodle but really 💔#I wanted an honourable death for him - and if not that then a death where he wasn't alone - and if not that then to rest #He got one of the three ;;

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sillywormz · 1 month

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why don't i have a gf or a partner yet it's a mystery 🤔😔 <- voice of a woman who avoids human contact whenever possible and doesn't socialise and is ugly and unsettling to look at and would rather die than make the first move or actually initiate flirting with anyone

it's a big mystery guys

#i feel like the stereotype is that butches should be confident and always make the first move w people #and know how to flirt and make ppl fall for them #but i am autistic and idk how any of this works #plus i genuinely am not physically attractive and i know this. i am aware of this #and it makes it hard to want to make a move on anyone bc i'm worried they'll be grossed out #or even feel threatened bc i am kinda large and masculine #and the last thing i wanna do is make someone uncomfortable #so i will never be the first one to make a move #but also BECAUSE i'm ugly and awkward nobody is gonna make a move on me either #so i just am stuck like this forever #dgmw i don't mind being single and i like the freedom of it #but sometimes the fomo is so real lol

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vraska-theunseen · 1 day

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aughhhh. aughhhhhjhhhh

#everhoneignore this post classic rant post i don't have real problems everyone can move along #truly have had such a bad couple of days here and i am not even close to finishing the assignments i need to finish in welding being in #clsss makes me want to quit and die i don't know why i'm so slow i don't know why everyone else can intuit this stuff and improve and #understand how to do it and im always always falling behind if i could try harder wouldn't i be able to do that ive got no drive to push #myself at all i guess i like the english and i can do the physics i thought i at least liked drafting and metals fabrication but i feel so #stupid everything i do makes me feel so stupid and my teacher talks to me like i'm always doing everything wrong when i do some classroom #ettiquette breaches that everyone else does too and i can't get myself to go to sleep on time can't get myself to go in early i have hours #and hours and hours and i blink and it's gone and i've done nothing i should've welded today and gone in early to draft but i didn't because #im stupid and im slow and i can't do anything right i have always been able to square away a little bit of pride on being precise on doing #things well because people are always telling me that i am but i am below average here i just can't do things right and i feel like everyone #hates me and thinks i'm obnoxious and i don't know how to interface with my class or my teacher or how to improve or how to be less anxious #and i feel even stupider for that because i am so stuck up not being able to deal with even a little bit of failure or issue or hardship #and everyone around me is sick all my classmates and people in my dorm are sick im sure it's covid they haven't said it's covid but none of #them would test and i've been wearing a mask again but im certainly been exposed to it already and no one else is wearing a mask anyway so #what difference does it even make and i can hear them coughing in my dorm and in the classroom and when i go to get food and i miss seeing #my friends from philly and everuthing will be terrible forever and ever #alex talks

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biff-adventurer · 4 months

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today i met tiny chris

poor wean's da got et by a 'bon. now he wants 'em all dead. wiv' crossy eyes like them as drawed in the picture shows. dinnae get et and ye might be his new da.

he actually made me think about two things - the npcs/people we've helped along the way, and the writing of accents.

it's no secret i gave biff this accent - it tells you he ain't a city slicker but rather a rural boy, it tells you his folks ain't got a lotta money (at least, one would think), and it associates him with a specific cultural/ethnic profile (gaelic, i know/studied a little more about irish than scots so i lean irish)

i think we should, as a society, be wary of continuing to associate class with specific ethnic communities, but i'm not learned enough to make a post dedicated to my specific thoughts on that (yet? tbd)

mostly, i think it's important to look at the way characters speak as a vehicle of writing. when you write a character's accent, is it useful for what you're trying to establish in the scene? is the noble supposed to fail to understand the vernacular of his server? is it useful if the character is always going to say "dinnae" instead of "do not"? when dealing with non-western characters with accents, how far is it okay to go until the dialogue goes from representation to racist charicature?

writers have the power of flexibility. writing is about persuasion more than anything else, and we should remember to persuade our audiences that these are people. they aren't real, so don't bother with "realistic" - but they represent real ideas, concepts and associations in our world. it's important to be careful what you do with these, intended or not! and if you make an oopsie? acknowledge, accept and continue on your journey to being your best.

my preferences for writing accents based on my experiences, observations and education lean thus:

pick and choose what words require emphasis. if the whole sentence requires it, then so be it! but make conscious choices. words weigh differently, and they carry double the weight when they're written out to represent an accent. just really think about whether or not this is the point you want to say to, t', ta, or tae. the whole sentence doesn't need to be written out phonetically b/c avoiding doing that helps us steer clear of reiterating caricatures.

include culturally specific verbiage. "what's the craic" or "how's it hangin'" depending on who your character is. in india, lots of people greet each other with religious phrases (in english, it'd sound like saying "god is good"/"good is god" call and response) - so a thavnairian character could say anything between "sisters be with you" to "mindhurva guide your path today" (and also yours, brother/sister). but also: wain, wean, child, sweetling,

be careful which non-english words your character uses. i don't call it chai tea latte, i call it chai latte. my wife doesn't call it green tea latte, but matcha latte. i actually don't drink chai latte, i drink chai. but i call it both chai and tea interchangeably; so, when i want someone to know how to prepare my tea, i might ask for chai instead of tea. because with chai, you get half or whole base milk instead of water. you get dried ginger or an array of spices depending on the auntie. with tea, you get dried up leaves and some hot water. big difference for me.

above all, make sure it's legible most of the time. you can do this by avoiding writing a character's accent out completely phonetically. this isn't to say "conform your character to what people think they should talk like". this is about being aware that writing implies an audience. if you want your writing to connect with people, the important parts should be clearly communicated in the text. especially if you're writing in english. if i wanted my characters to speak hindi, why would i bother writing the story in english at all? you want people to see your character a specific way. write them the way you hope they'll be seen--if you've done a good enough job, it will lead to so much joy and satisfaction. if you haven't--it's back to the drawing board! but you get the chance to learn even more.

#ooc;;#screenshots;;#i've been wanting to say something forever #in reality though i want to include an ep about tiny chris in my ongoing fic #so i was looking at him and his FATES and i was then compelled to go back to other lower level areas and be like #where are the other little guys we helped? i love them #i don't really care if the time bubble keeps them in our halcyon days as a sprout #i want to learn who they are again and again and love on them #and imagine what happens to them as our stories grow side by side #i think i'll be stuck in ARR for a long time so sorry about that #but i think it will be worth it for the kind of story i want to tell anyway #ps this is probably going to be outdated advice someday so pls remember that even im doing my best LOL #i'm just tired of being quiet... i'm going to do me and not worry about fitting in...#it took me awhile to remember that my position culturally means i'll always be a disruptive presence to the status quo #so it's better for my health to stop hoping i'll fit in somewhere and just try to relax

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stormlit · 2 months

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okay so iwtv vampires can't permanently cut their hair, it grows back while they sleep, but what happens if they bleach it, bc that shit is never growing out but does it magically ~disappear~ overnight. and those poor people turned with like 80s perms or 90s frosted tips like at least the guys with ridiculous victorian facial hair can just shave it off every night

#i assume their nails also work like their hair and grow back stupid fast if they cut them #which presumably they do bc i know vampires are freaks but those are literal talons that can tear thru skin to the bone #SURELY they don't want them inside them laksjdhf #this is fully not a serious post i'm just like. vampire who does the bad dyeing videos u see on their hair. stuck with the results forever #tbd //

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gxlden-angels · 10 months

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Hello! I apologize if this is a nosy question, but what is the silly feelings wheel app you were talking about in a previous post? My therapist and I have been working on identifying feelings but I still very much rely on a list of feeling words to have any idea what I’m feeling, so it could be a helpful resource. No worries if you don’t want to share, just thought I would ask :)

It's called How We Feel! I'm not sure if it's available on all devices yet, but it's on ios and the google play store for sure.

I've been using it for about a year. It's more of a chart than a wheel but people usually recognize the wheel better so that's what I call it. When you first start it has a 10-part tutorial about emotional acceptance and regulation, then it has suggestions for each category of emotion. You can access both at any time tho after those first 10 days.

It has a share option so you can have friends, which has been great for me cause it prompts me to check on friends and them to do the same for me. It allows you to just respond with a little emoji in like a "I'm here for you" little notification to your friend, or you can reach out to your friend on your own. Its really helped me cause I'm bad at reaching out when I need support so to me and I'm bad about taking on other's problems even when I can't handle it so being able to send a little emoji instead to make sure my friends know I'm there if they need me and them doing the same has been great

#I know I sound like I'm a being sponsored by this app but it's genuinely been incredible for my mental health #whenever I get frustrated in therapy now about not being able to describe a feeling my therapist asks me to think about the chart #he'll ask me what color I feel and go 'good! do you want to narrow it down from there or continue with just that?' and it's so helpful #I have such terrible alexithymia from both cptsd and autism #it took a year of working with him to even recognize when I felt angry or hungry or sick #my friends and I check in on each other regularly now but it feels less intrusive #cause it feels like indirectly reaching out so it's less pressure to directly respond #and it might not feel the same for everyone since it could be jarring to get a notification saying friend feels miserable #but now that I've gotten used to it I don't feel like I need to solve their problems and make them feel better #Like they might be miserable because they're sick! So I check in and they say they're sick but okay and I don't feel the impulse to solve #like I would if I just didn't see them then saw them in person and saw they looked miserable #I don't blame myself or feel like I personally need to fix everything because I know they felt like that from an outside source I can't #control but I can certainly help them if they want! It's their choice tho and I don't feel bad if they don't/I can't #I feel less need to control my emotions/force them to be positive like I used to cause nobody feels positive 24/7 and I can see it #I don't feel the need to be politely content like I did in church because no one can be 24/7. I've attempted to get my family to start but #they're still stuck in needing to not be openly negative. It also helps me accept that negative feelings don't last forever #Someone feeling miserable because they're sick eventually puts they feel tired. Then chill and I know they feel better and I feel better too #Anyways thanks for listening to me ramble about my silly little feelings wheel app I hope it helps you like it helped me anon <3

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the-casbah-way · 11 months

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i'm not doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm not fucking doing anything !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just sit and rot and worry and yearn whilst other people are out there living and feeling and breathing and experiencing and still i just do nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#'you're young there's still time' you do not understand #i don't do things because i'm unwell. chronically. it won't ever go away !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#that doesn't mean it can't get better i'm sure it will one day #but it will never be what i want it to be #i get so overwhelmed by all the things i'm not doing #i need to stop watching videos and films about people living the lives i want #been procrastinating my hrt shit for ages now even though all i have to do is send two emails and ask my friend for one link #i'm putting off the new tattoos and piercings i want because i always do that and then i get sad that i don't have them yet #i'm putting off my assignments for a degree that i actually enjoy and want to do well in and i do not know why #i'm just WAITING. what am i WAITING FOR. the change is INSIDE OF ME. why am i waiting #i guess i am holding onto safety and predictability because it's the only thing i have control over #i bounce between that and the image of a future me that is completely unattainable #and i tell myself there is no possible middle ground so i just give up #i can't be all the things i want to be. i will never been seen the way i want to be #but that doesn't mean i have to stay stuck like this forever wasting my life feeling miserable about everything #but i still choose to keep doing it every day anyway because i don't know how to stop #is it too much to ask to be a beautiful man who is not technically a man but is perceived as one and gets silly about it #is it too much to ask to be nice and well and attractive and successful #i don't want to be normal. i don't want to be cis. but i would like to be myself in a way that feels right #but i am not brave enough to start doing anything about it

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running-in-the-dark · 6 months

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the thing is. I've said many times that it'd probably be better if I didn't post on here so much, especially when I'm not doing so great. it does not feel good. but. when I don't, it just all stays inside my head and it feels so much worse for far longer, so I really just don't know how I would cope without this.

#I mean I used to write in my diary instead. but it's not the same. it's like talking to myself which is like thinking which is the whole #damn problem in the first place #I can't bother my friends every time I feel like shit because it happens so much #and they don't get it #except my best friend but I already message them too much and they have their own shit going on #it's either this or lie in bed imagining [current blorbo] and talking it all out with them and basically just. daydreaming therapy.#but that tends to not be great because then I get stuck and don't want to do anything else because I'd rather be there forever.#which. idk but it doesn't feel that healthy to me.#I juuust want to be normal it's all I want it's all I've ever wanted #and then people say being weird is good and they love me for who I am and it's so so sweet and lovely but. I don't mean that. I mean I feel #like I'm insane and there's something wrong with my brain and it's not the fun quirky bits that people love about me. it's the never ending #constant relentless bad thoughts that I can't make go away OR even the good ones really. like I'm. so fucking obsessed right now and all I #want is to think about Dan and Jenkins but if I'm not careful it takes over everything and I. can not stop.#so. yeah I'm. not gonna leave because I can't and I don't really want to and I'm sorry because that means I'll have to keep posting #dumb shit like this every time my brain gets stupid #😭

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youngster-monster · 10 months

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Im in finals hell currently but stranger things and steddie have their claws in me once again so have this. fic idea thing for a role reversal au between steve and eddie

Season 1, Will Byers disappears and Eddie may be a freak, but shit, missing kid, so he goes on a few of the search parties with his uncle. And he keeps going, even when Wayne's hours mean he can't go anymore: just grabs the lamp torch and walks through the woods for a few hours when he can’t sleep, often on his own. It’s creepy as hell out there, he keeps feeling like something is watching him, but whenever he tries to sleep he ends up spending hours staring at his ceiling instead so whatever. It’s something to do. He keeps doing it even after they fish out Will’s body from the quarry: Hawkins’ nicer when it’s quiet.

He tried to like, talk to Jonathan a few times at school, freaks should stick together etc, but it didn’t exactly. Work. Still, he finds himself wandering past the Byers’ house and when he sees the lights blinking like crazy and hears the noises coming from inside he decides to investigate.

Steve, meanwhile, saw Nancy’s gun and decided shit was already weird enough, running out of the narrative none the wiser. For now. Eddie bursts into the house just in time to see the Demorgogon: his turn at being a protagonist!

The following seasons would go in the same vein. Eddie gets reverse adopted by Dustin on virtue of being a cool older male figure who’s into DnD and probably spends a lot of time grabbing the kids and running instead of getting his ass beat by the villain of the week: THIS protagonist is a runner, and he gets way fewer concussions about it

(Steve, meanwhile, gets dumped without even knowing what made Nancy change so much. No friends, because his previous ones were assholes, and no girlfriend, because he’s bullshit: he’s a pretty lonely guy.)

Nancy won’t let Eddie hang around the kids while dealing, so he picks up a job as Scoops Ahoy instead. Please picture this in your mind. It takes a minute for his, huh. Loud. personality to grow on Robin, but they have that kind of wlw/mlm acerbic friendship, you know the one. When there’s two gays on shift NOTHING gets done.

Decoding russian cyphers is great fodder for future DnD puzzles and he has a grand ol’ time up until they get kidnapped; he gets a few traumas about it and also a mutual coming out, which is nice because he really thought he’d die the only gay person in Hawkins.

Steve gets a job at some sorts of sports goods store in Starcourt; his parents were NOT happy that he didn’t get into any college. That’s where he meets Chrissy: she needs new shoes for cheer practice, he flirts with her, they actually go on a date, and he’s done enough introspection to realize boy, she is NOT having fun here. He apologizes, SHE apologizes, they’re both cute about it, he drives her home, and somehow they become friends instead. He deserves that.

So in ‘86, when Chrissy needs something to silence the nightmares, she goes to her good pal Steve Harrington at Family Video instead: maybe a movie would help. They chat a bit, he proposes they watch “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” after his shift, and then she starts floating, which isn’t a great moment for anyone involved

In his scramble to climb over the counter to drag her down, Steve walks on the tv remote that controls the display TV, turning the volume up. He had put Grease on when Chrissy walked in: it’s one of her favorite. “Summer Nights” starts blaring, and it’s not her favorite but shit, i’m in charge of the plot here, it works enough that she collapses to the ground, in a bad, bad shape, but alive.

Lucas is pretty much the only one of the kids who’s close-ish to Steve; I figure he reached out to the last best ball boy of hawkins high for tips when he tried out for the basketball team. Don’t ask me how they became actual friends, just know that they are, so the next day he goes looking for Steve to talk about recent My Friends Don’t Like Me Balling teenage angst and finds a crime scene instead. Steve isn’t at the hospital either: he’s at the police station, being questioned because the cops think he’s the one who broke a few of Chrissy’s limbs and put her in a coma (the main theory is that he asked her out, she said no, and he, what, flew in a rage? It’s not like he can tell them the TRUTH. The cameras don’t even work inside the family video.)

Cue the rest of the season. With one long freakout on Steve’s part because his parents are rich enough for him to post bail but jesus christ there isn’t enough money in the world to forget the fact that magic is real and hates you specifically

#rambling #writing #i guess??#stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #chrissy cunningham #i want to write it so much but god i'd have to rewatch the show. excruciating #fuck watching tv series all my homies hate serial media #as such this entire thing was written with only the barest memory of stranger things events in mind #and also the wiki #steve chrissy friendship.......... precious to me #top three relationships that make people go “oh they're ABSOLUTELY dating”#bi solidarity. neither of them are aware of this though.#this is steddie. in my heart. but the important part is that steve doesn't know about the upside down until '86 and has an awful time #meanwhile eddie has so many friends. most of them young teens. and his bandmates don't understand what's going on with him #nancy disapproves of him deeply but trauma bonding means she's stuck with him forever

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elgaravel · 2 years

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OC DUALITY

was tagged by @morvaris to take this uquiz for my ocs >:) thank you nico this was super fun!!

tagging: @numbaoneflaya @time-is-a-lake @aartyom @nuclearstorms @girlbosselrond @druidgroves @malefiicarum @swordcoasts @aldcaldos @sufferthorn @steelport @calenhads @lavinet and anyone else who’d like to join in !!

you and the hat man

oh boy you're fighting demons aren't you? it's like you're in a constant staring competition with something that's always in the peripheral. what the fuck. (at least, that's how people who don't know you would react). at this point you've probably gotten pretty familiar with the hat man. he's a reliable kind of guy. keeps to himself, sure, but you can trust him to be there. maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side. you can only imagine what it will be like when he's not there any more.

god-hungry scientist and their abominable child

you stitched something together inside of yourself and gave it life with light from the sky and now it won't die and you can't kill it because part of you loves it and you're not quite right in the head or the person you used to be but at the end of the day it's simply a beast of sadness. you crave the mercy you didn't get from your creators and so i'm telling you please forgive yourself. please hold the monster by the hand.

moon curse of the werewolf

you have found yourself hungered or sickened or ambitious to the point of emotional carnage. you are fine, until you're not, and then you could rip someone in your way apart with your bared teeth by complete accident, and later claw at yourself in fits of pain trying to apologize. do you look at the moon that blessed you in her name, at her marred beauty and baneful eyes, and wish she could just crush that loving-hateful heart of yours before it crushes itself? every bite you take out of flesh is a response to the threads of silver bullets in you that haven't healed. the duality is that the human inside is howling too, gnashing, and without the wolf pelt, everyone can ignore it and turn away. at some point, you got tired of the moon being your only witness. now the wolf is there to make sure others know that you are hurt, and deserving of humanity, of attention to wounds. because that wolf loves you; all of you; and knows when you are hurt better than yourself.

#feel free to ignore this if you want !! idk how many people have already been tagged fjsdkl #anyway. going to be annoying abt this in the tags now <3 #the main thing that gets me abt gray's is the 'maybe a haunting isn't too bad if it's never left your side'#like????? ik the hat man thing is probs supposed to be funny and it kinda is but it fits them so well #almost everyone close to them has died or left them atp but maybe it isn't so bad. just to have one constant #dmitri :| yeah. yeah #everything he felt he had to become to save his sister who was dead the whole time anyway but ended up being a better survival tactic anyway #so he just stuck with it until he died but then he comes back as a demon and now he has to live with what he did forever #i don't think he really could ever forgive himself. mainly for failing nina but it's started to eat him alive less and less over the years #mainly bc he does everything he can not to think about it too much but he also doesn't really want to totally get rid of that part of #himself. the part that was capable of torturing and killing all those people bc it really was powered by love and desperation to some extent #and that proves that maybe he has some shred of humanity left even if she's been gone for decades now #not that he does shit like that anymore. but he's capable and willing to for those he loves even if they'd probably hate him for it #and miko's :(#yeah #lashing out at people when it gets to be too much which is often given the life that she lives and then beating herself up for it nonstop #but it's also a way to protect herself and even tho she died young it got her pretty far #and it helped her protect other people (mainly gray and blake) when it came down to it because she couldn't stand seeing them hurt either #idk if i articulated myself v well but yeah jfdsklfdjs my dmc gang are all my blorbos #my ocs #tag #gray #dmitri #miko

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