#and i cant sit and think on this for several hours bc there are more exams to come Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[koriors]

i don't think kanan is good at being alone. he's someone that really greatly benefits from constantly being around other people.

he grew up in the jedi order, a whole community in the same building, he would always be around other younglings, and later on constantly with his master.

and then order 66 happens, and he's (understandably) not doing well, not helped by the fact that he's actually alone with his thoughts for the first time in his life. not that loneliness alone fucked him up but it cant have helped, and probably also created an association between being alone and literally the worst time in his life, being hunted and catastrophising that he'a going to die.

then he meets hera, and he's living in a tiny ship in close quarters with someone else, and he's not alone anymore. he sees hera's conviction to make change in the galaxy and it starts to pull him out of his alcoholism and his despondency and it makes him better. it reminds him that hey its not all terrible doom ahead of us, there are people who believe in a better world, and he wouldn't have reached that point on his own (considering a new dawn is like 7?? years after o66, he was coping he wasn't living). and then again with ezra, he grapples with inadequacy but he's not left to basically sit and brood about how much he sucks. it is partly out of necessity beacuse ezra is depending on him, but also that the expectation of him to do better does make him better, because he doesn't let himself fall into a deeper spiral and it pushes him into believing in himself, and that aids in his ability to actually do the thing and work on himself.

and after malachor, he distances himself. at the start of s3 hera talks to him like he's a stranger, almost, because he stopped opening up and stopped letting himself be part of a family and he made himself alone, and got so bad that bendu had to force an emotional realisation out of him. trauma can obviously manifest and affect people in different ways, and it is realistic that kanan is extremely emotionally affected by everything and doesn't just bounce back like nothing happened, but i do think its significant that when kanan's mental health is terrible the show makes it a point of telling us he's been isolating himself. he's deliberately separating himself from his family. it is a textbook sign of Not Doing Great, but i think it also reflects how well kanan copes when he's on his own. there are people who do perfectly fine or after prolonged periods of not really interacting with people, but i dont think that's kanan. when he's alone he's clouded, he gets lost in his emotions, and its important that other people are there; it reminds him what's important and what he's capable of.

basically i think when he gets left alone for too long it gets much easier for the self doubt to creep in, and he starts contemplating the hopelessness of existence, then he spends 5 minutes with hera and realises his last 2 days worth of brooding was decidedly Not Normal.

[cinnabeat]

obviously the solution to my knee pain is to scrunch up in a ball in my chair while hunched over taking notes. surely this will not exacerbate any ongoing problems

[redr0sewrites]

Aaravos x reader Hcs

here r some aaravos hcs bc i am in pain i wrote this with killer cramps while running on 4 hrs of sleep and an energy bar so i cant promise this will be good.

🥀CW: fluffiness, teasing, smut, thigh riding, subby aaravos, oral (reader receiving), hair pulling?, wax play, overall filth

🥀minors dni with nsfw part

SFW:

after being trapped in the mirror for so long, aaravos is severely touch starved

whether u two are in a romantic or platonic relationship, your personal space is his personal space as well (unless u tell him to leave you alone, but even then he'll still probably tease)

He is the type to just walk up to you and rest his arm on your head

he is TALL

if you are short (like me) and you ever need to reach something up high, this man practically materializes behind you to grab it for you he will hold it above his head and giggle while you struggle but will eventually give it to you

i feel like hes the type of person to enjoy slow and "elegant" music he would love my way by frank sinatra you can not tell me im wrong bc im not

aaravos will pull you into a slow waltz at random times

he enjoys the arts, and i feel like he would enjoy painting and doing sketches of you

he LOVES it if you play with his hair, just run your hands through it and he will literally melt

if you can do pretty hairstyles or braids he will be very content in relaxing while you do his hair

aaravos definitely enjoys reading, and would totally read to you if you asked (he would tease u a little tho but thats ok)

"do you really enjoy my voice that much, little star?"

he has the most stunning laugh

normally he just lets out small chuckles or smirks but the first time you make him genuinely laugh you just sit there in awe

he is ✨fabulous✨and takes forever to get ready

the type to arrive fashionably late (he will make an effort to arrive on time for dates tho)

hes a total drama queen and will make a huge deal about kissing you

he acts all confident but in reality is ridiculously nervous when he first met you

you were the first person to truly capture his heart and he doesn't want to fuck it up

he knows he isnt the most easy person (elf??) to love but will make an effort to be better for you

he prefers to listen in conversation rather then talk alot, however if you ask him about something hes interested in or ask him a magic question or something he will gladly talk for hours

enjoys holding your hand, you two are practically linked at the waist

he worries more then he lets on and will enchant little objects and give them to you for protection when he isnt't around

NSFW

whether you are with him before or after his imprisonment, he is EXPERIENCED

he likes positions where he can be close to you such as missionary, but also likes you on top of him/riding him

SWITCH‼️

if you pull his hair or his horns he will immediately submit

he likes to use his size to his advantage and pin you down

really into biting and marking, esp after his imprisonment, he wants everyone to know your his

whether your human or an elf, he will overstimulate you

he can go for hours

i feel like he would prefer giving to receiving, he will eat you out or suck you off for HOURS until you are whimpering for him to slow down

if you have boobs, he will mark them and play with them there is no question

RIDE‼️‼️HIS‼️‼️‼️FACE‼️‼️‼️‼️

he is 1000% into wax play he can make his hands really hot or cold and the sight of u with wax slowly dripping down your chest makes him feral

wouldnt mind if you did the same to him 👀

i feel like he would be super into it if you rode his thigh, he would be mocking you the whole time but it would turn him on sm

"you couldn't wait at all, hmm? is your pretty little cunt/cock really so needy that you had to be this impatient? acting like a bitch in heat, covering my thigh with your slick. your going to have to clean up your mess dear~"

he gets pissed if he asks you a question and you dont respond

super into eye contact during sex, he thinks its very intimate and attractive

your pleasure ALWAYS comes first with him, he will make you come at least twice before coming on his own

i dont think he would be super into causing you a lot of pain, like i dont think he would want to hurt you alot but will pinch and occasionally slap if your into that

super into being in pain for himself though

edge him until hes sobbing, then overstim him until his thighs are shaking

GLORIOUS THIGH GAME BTW

cover them in marks, he will admire them later

overall a very attentive and sensual lover, but definitely has a dirty side<3

can you tell i have an obsession? lmao. i tried to make this super gender neutral, lmk if there are any mistakes! reqs are open, im considering getting into writing some more

[legend-as-old-as-time]

All for the organic'd off shoot food hcs <3 i went way overboard <3 help <3

Kopaka: more curious about tastes than eager to eat, he collects them kind of like cards. Big fan of fatty meat of any kind, will devour it without even noticing. Not that big on vegetables

Pohatu: would eat cardboard if vaguely salted. Has a fondness for anything vaguely dumpling- or pie-like, and he likes offering bites to others before scarfing the whole thing down his throat

Gali: same as Pohatu, though she prefers veggies and fish and seafood and slugs and algae and bite sized fruits like grapes or berries. Shes really likes jello for some reason too

Onua: same as Pohatu and Gali but hes more of a bread and potatoes guy. Can and will carve out a pumpkin with his bare hands and eat it in one sitting if left unsupervised

Lewa: finally someone NORMAL about food!! Prefers slimy things like mushrooms and eels or juice-heavy fruit, but otherwise will try a bit of everything. Likes stuff fried or steamed

Tahu: very sensitive to consistency, too soft foods trigger his gag reflex. Likes nuts, raw veggies, insects, crayfish, lobsters, crabs, burnt stuff... Not as resistant to spices as you'd think

Jaller: the Capsaicin Conqueror, bites into ghost peppers unscathed. Soup savorer, with time will be able to whip out broths that could make Vakama Metru forgive himself

Hahli: mussels!! Oysters!! Clams!! Sea urchins!! Squids!! Octopi!! Big noodle slurper who canNOT handle sauce. She will get it Everywhere. Enjoyer of endives and hater of seasonings

Nuparu: genuinely cannot handle chewing so aside form jello everything needs to be blended into a smoothie. He slams back concoctions that would make a Makuta shiver. Taste is optional

Hewkii: could eat through the cheese caves if released within them. Hates seafood but everything else is fair game. Has tried Nuparu's horrible smoothies and survived several times

Kongu: texture is a big factor and he cant handle too slimy or too fatty things bc of this. Likes acidic or bitter flavors, sauces, dried fruit, and bugs. Refuses to eat poultry

Matoro: the concept of "doomed by the narrative" be damned my boy can hunt game and work a grill

Whenua: slurper of worms... Big fan of turnips for some reason. Its hard for him to find anything he doesnt like really

Nuju: loves poultry and butter and fish and berries and nuts... Stews... Creamy soups... God he loves eating. He could do it for hours

Vakama: vegetables and small game, cooked underground or boiled. Eats spiders by reflex for reasons you can imagine

Matau: LOVES poached eggs. Herbs n spices n fruits are his favorite. Unusual meats for him, like frogs and lizards

Nokama: will bite through any shell and bone no problem. Discovers a taste for bone marrow. Very picky with vegetables

Takanuva: if it were up to him he would eat only sweet things. lactose intolerant. Will that stop him from scarfing down gallons of cream? No babey!!!

Thank you! And thhose are neat headcanons!!

[kindred-spirit-93]

*succinct & eloquent opening line. maybe a clever joke or quote* :D

do you ever sit there and contemplate your life choices after like a certain experience or a talk with a loved one?

do you ever come across a quote or a piece that seems like it was written for you in this particular moment in time? an anecdote that mirrors your current situation perhaps?

well im currently going through it & after a double whammy of mama lore TM during some resurfacing anxious & assorted crises, i dont even know what im going through anymore. but we shared a really sweet heart to heart and reminisced over good and less good times aw!

i am reminded that there is still much to life, light to be sought and found, good times yet to be had. its bittersweet. its mature. its scary? its like coming to terms with your mortality but on a smaller scale. or bigger whos to say...

i wont be venting anything, i think for now at least im content to vague post lmao. also my dad bought me some stress eating treats so i might need to go wallow in my feels for a bit

after i jinxed myself by saying im going on hiatus but failing to stay off the website lol (i had moot withdrawl symptoms sue me), i wont be repeating the same mistake, but with context clues i trust u can see where im going with this

it might sound presumptious to state so confidently that this next month of my life will be the hardest in my career, especially since im not even half way there yet, but the truth of the matter is that it is.

ive been struggling for well over a year now (mostly academically) and im both succeeding in places i didnt before (alhamdulillah!) but failing in the exact same places elsewhere. guys i may have anxiety lol

self fulfilling prophecies, nocebo effect, whatever it is & regardless of what you want to call it, its rough. its hard. im tired. theres still so much left and im tired. i shouldnt be this tired. or this empty. or careless. what have i let myself become? why am i punishing myself still?

this coming month will dictate the rest of my future and ill have no one to blame but myself if i let the opportunity slip through my fingers. but if all goes well inshallah i can put this all behind me and start anew so theres that silver lining :D

i kinda lost direction of this post about half an hour ago lol. my point is im going to try harder at balancing several life aspects bc i really cant put it off any more. i need to establish balance because ive been out of the loop for too long now. *shudders in python*

anyways there are plenty of things i have to work on, both in my studies and life, so i have that going for me *party kazoo noises*

id love to grace you all with some wise words or a life lesson or something but i dont have a neat one liner to sum up anything. despite that im writing this because sometimes letting thoughts float in my head isnt enough, i need to articulate and write it out because to let them roam in the vast expanses of my mind under the pretense that i achieved something is frankly silly as it is counterproductive.

a n y w a y , to anyone and everyone reading take care of yourselves and your loved ones. i wish everyone the best in life and in their endeavours. i will probably pop back in every now and again to catch up on messages and make sure everyone is alive and nothing burned down. i will however attempt to exert self control. (key word: attempt)

aight imma head out before i get too emotional or combust with the need to say something stupid like i love you be more unserious XD

[httpiastri]

nooooooo :((im new to tumblr and i didnt really knew there were issues/glitches, i have made a bunch of blurbs/asks before too and i thought u just went past it (its okay thooo)

NEWAYS BACK TO COLLEGE!PEPE bcs he went from p21 to p12 (cant believe im celebrating a non-scoring place)

i think pepe's major could be leaning into business/statistics, he likes to analyze his performance something along those lines (imagine finance guy pepe...... screaming internally rn)

however he could also be leaning into arts or music? his sister seems to be into arts as well so he could be influenced by them. imagine pepe painting every single detail of yourself in his paintings with you as his muse on every single on of them, or compose songs about what he feels about you and lulling you to sleep with it, head on his lap while he caresses your hair, giving you forehead kisses after singing

crossing my fingers this one pushes through!!!!!

awww well tumblr has a bunch of glitches, esp with asks, that come and go i feel? sorry 💔 i found it so funny how first i got one ask abt pepe barricade, and then another... and then another.... and then one more several hours later??? like 😭 what was going on there

but nine places up is definitely a thing to celebrate (esp since it was so chaotic!!! finding joy in everything) 🥰

ooooo interesting!!! i think he would fit into a lot of majors tbh, we've discussed him being a science boy before (bcs he's said that he enjoys those subjects, no?) but something analytical like that could also be great 🤭 and something artsy omfg.... i feel so soft imagining being his muse 😭 likeee getting to see yourself through his eyes in his paintings, and even just posing for him... painting sessions filled with just giggles and nose kisses, him complaining "sit still!!" when you do as much as blink, but his warnings are empty because the only punishment is another kiss to your forehead :(

[ahdkshax]

saw a post abt how different people react to disability in ppl (saying that younger, alt folks are more likely to be ableist in the ops experience) and i didnt have any experience w younger folks giving me shit for my limp/sitting down (the most they would do is sit in places i would have preferred to, which i cant fully blame them for since everyone needs to sit sometimes, and its not on their fault that a grocery store only has three total seats in the full store)

but i have bad feet and cant stand for very long, and my shift i was restrained to a tiny box that i had to stay in for like 6-8 hours. my boss let me have a chair to work from, but i was nervous bc i live in a small town and it has a lot of the "kids dont want to work these days" attitudes. the kind that say if a worker isnt busy 24/7 theyre not doing enough and should be fired. but i ended up meeting up with the gambling manager of the store as she was fixing something in my area.

now the gambling manager, she was old, she looked mean, and had back issues--but she extremely nice and, most importantly was my number one voice of self respect. she told me that if anyone gives me shit for sitting while i work, i should give them shit back. make them uncomfortable with what they said to me.

and you know what? while i worked i got a few middle aged folks coming through making snarky remarks about how im "napping on the job" by sitting while i scan and bag their items (at a pace much faster than normal, most definitely because i wasnt in Extreme Pain while working). and i made every single one of them uncomfortable bc i mentioned that Yeah, its because i have plantar fasciitis in both my feet and i cant walk after standing in one place for, like, an hour if im having a really great day, 20 minutes if im realistic. yeah it feels like im walking on hot coals when i stand for too long and there have been several, several times ive had to make a crutch out of a shopping cart so i can make it to my car its been so bad.

and they squirmed bc these were working class people who worked in construction and factories and knew what that felt like and/or does to someone. immediate sympathy from these guys, ended up talking about shoes with them.

now that im thinking about getting a cane to help with supporting my walking so i can walk further with less pain, im gonna keep what that manager told me in mind, i think. of course, telling some people i have fucked up feet probably wont garner much sympathy if they havent seen someone else with it or have experienced it themselves, but im sure i can think of a way to be just as rude back to them.

[ceilingfan5]

PQRS for the fic asks if you'd like :3 !

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

oh for sure a gardener and maybe even a forager some of the time. aw sick mushroom i cant believe ive been lost for three hours. but you guys have seen my planning docs right? like?? it's a guideline and then the fic happens to me. im along for the ride too baby

Q: How do you feel about collaborations?

YEAHHH WOOOOO HOOOOO ILU PLAY WITH ME

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

i mean theres douglas adams, rick riordan, barbara park, beverly cleary, douglas evans, fucking. roald dahl in a way, authors i hate who help me shape my writing AWAY from the stink garbage, like for example my parasocial nemesis james patterson. and also on the good side, hundreds of other authors i read from the moment i could crack a book on... but in the taz fandom, we got. the mcelroys themselves. obviously honeycorvid, barry-j-blupjeans, you, wevilo707, noodylblastal, thie my beloved thie who helps me plan all my fics anymore bc we play and play and play, several other people im not thinking of at the moment but love anyway, lots of people i havent seen in the fandom for years, people from old fandoms like haikyuu, opm, welcome to nightvale ...i could keep going do you wanna sit down and analyze my fics with me come sit down and play we can annotate and everything look i have different rainbow highlighters and sticky notes. here we have a line that's a reference to junie b jones and then th-

S- i thought of one more and it's schemes and plots and shenanigans

[hopeurokays]

WENT AND SAW THE ERAS TOUR MOVIE LIKE AN HOUR AGO AND AHHHHHHHHHH. IT WAS SO GOOD (spoilers under the cut)

so my movie theater didn't have popcorn buckets bc their shipment is currently lost

but i got a cup and a poster

i planned on making like 50 bracelets but ended up only making like 20

which is good though cause pretty much nobody had bracelets to trade

i traded 1 and gave out all but 2

i don't know how people don't cry the entire concert

bc i almost cried several times during the movie so the actual concert i think would have me dead

so now im gonna go by era and discuss it

lover:

the opening made me cry

i whisper sung the beginning bc it was still kinda awkward and nobody else was singing loud

until the cruel summer bridge

then we all sung it loud

i LOVE the man and loved getting to see the things i hadn't noticed from tiktok (like the specific dance moves, etc)

the man and lover also made me cry a bit

im so upset she cut the archer

its not even my favorite song or anything but still

fearless:

iconic guitar spins 🫶🏻

everyone did the heart hands, it was so sweet

it was so cute seeing her band sing with her, they're adorable

fearless spins made me cry

love story almost made me bawl, but i held it together

i can remember being in kindergarten and saying my favorite song was love story so thinking about that made me want to sob

evermore:

THEY CUT NO BODY NO CRIME

i was so excited when i realized it was filmed

and then SHE CUT IT

anyways

marjorie made me cry

tolerate it was a materpiece (as expected)

so was champagne problems

reputation:

honestly no words

look what you made me do honestly almost made me cry

when all the other taylors were in the boxes

but still it was all soooooo good

speak now:

enchanted made me tear up

im so glad she wore the purple dress for filming

SHE CUT LONG LIVE 😭😭😭

ik it's the perfect end credit song but still

we wouldn't mind to hear it again

will forever be upset

red:

ngl 22 got me

it was the only one that made me cry

and like i cried like a baby when she gave the 22 hat

i expected it to be kobe bryant's daughter, but it still got it

i was bawling in my seat

but then the rest was really nice

i loved screaming atw

folklore:

ive never seen video of her performing the 1 all the way through and loved it

also betty made me cry

but betty was the first song off folklore id ever heard and was made me listen to her new music so it holds a special place in my heart

also there was a little girl who got up during betty and started dancing, like throwing arms above her head and everything

and she did that for most of folklore

she was a mood tbh

I CANT BELIEVE SHE CUT CARDIGAN

WHYYYYYY

1989:

none of these made me cry, i was too busy dancing lol

they were all really fun

i loved the clubs smashing the car

also i love that she wore the pink one

i just like that outfit best

surprise songs:

i can't say im surprised it was our song and yoyok

and i absolutely loved them

but i was really hoping she would find a way to put all of the songs she sung in la on there

especially you are in love

i wouldve cried and died and just stayed there forever

but yoyok made me cry during the bridge

midnights:

i LOVE the purple jacket/dress combo

kinda freaked out when i realized id have to sit beside my mom during vigilante shit...

but she didn't say anything

i loved the vibes of this era too

other/end credits:

the bracelet part was so cute and clever

and i love the fan moments/bloopers

i do kinda wish the credits would've been styled more like rep tour's was

i also loved the transitions to each era and the text for the album name

it was all really cute

and i loved how taylor was still being goofy

i was worried it wouldn't be as silly as the shows usually are

but im glad it was, it made it feel more authentic

also the quality of everything was SO good

overall i loved it and if you're debating on going just do it (im thinking about going with my friends to watch it a 2nd time...). I'd give it like 1000/10 tbh

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3

[a-rain-atherapy]

angery

Had an angry verbal spat with my coworker A (for asshole) today and i am very terrible at on the spot talking of any kind, like i am mad trembling, got ice cold stomach, head empty. They walk off and i close my eyes for a few minutes to try to cool off, they come back and *asks nicely* to have a talk, so we talk. I am still not normal enough to have a decent train of thought in response to them asking me whats the problem between us (because there is a problem (the problem being that i was annoyed to hell with their initial inadequacy (new to this location)(very unfair to them on my part) and then more somewhat minor and several major points of anger happened)(bitch))

initial thought was that they dont want to see me on my phone, understandable we at work (but theres no work at the time) so i get sent to 'review procedures with coworker B (currently doing procedure) for future' okay. also some line about going to lunch earlier but okay whatever. i go sit with coworker B and review. machine's somewhat dirty so i spend almost 2 hours cleaning (didnt realize time passed so fast)(lost track of time) i just sit down from finishing and coworker A comes back and sees me not 'reviewing' and not paying attention even though i verbally confirmed w coworker B and was following the steps on my notebook, gets angry with me. "that (not paying attention apparently) wasnt in the agreement (never fucking agreed to shit in the first place asshole)" and "you were supposed to go to 11.30 lunch now coworker C doesnt have anyone to replace them" ignoring the fact he asked me to go review at 11.00 and this is a multi hour procedure.

so i get mad. maybe alittle petty. i blow up at them that im only doing what they told me to do (review) and what am i supposed to do when the bulk of the procedure is repetitive motion between changing steps. whatever. im mad, theyre mad. 5-10 mins later we talk.

apparently i was talking mean to them when they first joined and didnt actively go out of my way to make them feel like they belonged. 1st off i use neutral tone for 90% of my conversations 2nd i aint using casual talk with a stranger, new coworker or not, 3rd im not a social talker esp not in work situation i have no reason to actively interact in a neutral/positive way besides for work matters. my bad apparently.

anyways i cant think properly so my rebuttal comes off weak (because i cant think of my 4 other reasons that i dislike them [1-fucked up results of what i did and didnt fix it so made more work for me (had to redo my work). 2-fucking nags/preaches relentlessly when given opportunity (multiple occassions) about their work philosophy (take it easy (almost too easy personally)) when IDGAF and continuously talks and disturbs when im trying to do work. 3-gave me shit for being bad at what was supposed to be their job initially (multiple times(didnt offer to take over but continued to nag)) has the fucking balls to get mad at me when i ask them to back off since they werent actually actively training the person. 4- i asked for help with work bc i dont want to take super late lunch, they go off and preach at me (reason #3) and is almost nauseatingly goody-two-shoes and holy mother theresa that they were 'worried about my health and really want me to take lunch properly' and continue to go off on this for the week (super annoying and preachy).) in the heat of the moment (still fucking angry)) that i disliked how they werent doing their job (true(unfair to them again they were new(but still))) and that they talk down to me sometimes and make me feel like they think im dumb (see reason 4).

still mad. we shook hands after getting to a somewhat neutral grounds(is it really though?) and expressed our intents to get better and have more communication to avoid this (anger blow up(/miscommunication???) from happening again. and im still mad.

[glasyasbutch]

re-posting the stella and craving meet cute moment, bc it was originally only put out as part of a MONSTER ask game answer from years ago where it kinda got buried. have at it >:3

Craving was her name, or at least, that's what she'd told Estella. Even if it wasn't her real name, it was one hell of a power move to half-stumble, half-get shoved into the cell, hair all tangled and makeup starting to smudge, swear at the guards with an alcohol-thick tongue, turn to Estella, size her up by moonlight, pull out the sides of her full lace skirt and curtsy, then hold out a thoroughly bejeweled hand to be kissed and announce, "Craving, pleasure."

And like. It worked.

Estella would've been forever indebted to her for the fantasies that inspired alone, but as luck would have it, her surprise cell mate happened to also be incredibly useful in the jailbreak department.

"I'd figure you'll be wanting to get out of here right quick," she said, suddenly much more coherent, eyes trained on the tattoo in thieves' cant on Estella's wrist.

"What's it to you?" Estella responded, hedging her words in case the guards were much trickier than she thought.

"Oh c'mon, I'm not a snitch. You really think any one of these guards would want to be trapped in a cell with a serious criminal wearing a dress like this? No, I'm hoping you managed to hide a lockpick on you."

"Unfortunately, they got me while I was actively using my lockpick, and even their stupid asses did think to take it away before they stuck me in here."

"Well. Shit." Craving sighed, slumping along the wall across the cell. "I could try with one of these," she said, tugging a pin out of the dying hairdo, "but it'll take a while."

Estella shrugged. "Where else am I gonna go?"

Craving didn't answer, already fiddling with the pin between her hands, trying to unbend it to the proper angle to hopefully send them to freedom. It wasn't going particularly well. The drunkenness, while seemingly exaggerated in front of the guard (to avoid questions, maybe?), was still somewhat present, and that combined with the stiffness of the metal, and the billion rings she was making no move to take off, was not working in her favor.

After watching her push and curse at it for a good few minutes, Estella walked across the cell and held her hand out. "Lemme see it."

She'd taken the pin from Craving's hands, very aware of the eyes that trained on her fingers as they pressed and smoothed the metal, flattening out the kinks and forming the bends where they ought to be.

She looked up into those eyes as she finished. "My name's Ester. Not that you asked."

Craving tilted her head, leaning into and over Estella ever so slightly. "Ester. That's pretty."

"Short for Estella."

"Even prettier."

"You can call me either of those."

"Anyone ever call you Stella?"

"Absolutely not. You think that'll work?"

"Well, I was hoping - oh, the pick. Yeah. I can work with it. I just need ten minutes of not being watched by guards."

Estella rolled her eyes, but there was something about the girl's blatantness that she was actually a little (very) into. "Wait a few hours then. They'll probably get tired around one and stop making the rounds as frequently."

Craving pouted.

"And I would've thought you'd be pleased to be stuck in a tight space with me for several hours."

"Well, I can't say that I wouldn't be pleased," she said, then caught herself. "You were fishing for that."

"Yeah, I was."

Estella stepped back towards the opposite wall, pulling herself out of Craving's space at a teasingly slow pace. Craving seemed to want to follow her, but they both knew better than to allow themselves to get distracted before the jailbreak had occurred. Without anything to say that wouldn't either be redundant or risk running down every last bit of her self control, Estella chose to sit in silence and glance at Craving far more frequently than anyone could consider coincidence. About half the time, Craving was already looking back at her.

Once the moon had begun to dip back down, casting deeper shadows through the bars on the window, Estella pushed herself up off the floor, crossed the room, and held out her hand. "It's probably late enough. We doing this?"

Craving took the hand and pulled herself up, visibly taken by the strength in the grip she hadn't been expecting. "Absolutely, dear."

Even with a makeshift lockpick, getting out of the cell wasn't hard. The guards were even lazier than expected, the bolt was shoddy at best, and the skill Craving had with her fingers was ... extremely noteworthy.

Getting down to the store room where their belongings had been confiscated also wasn't too hard. They were good at stepping softly and blending into dark corners. And, again, these guards were really lazy.

No, the problem came when Estella was shoving her arrows back into her quiver, lock pick and coin pouch already slipped safely into her pockets, but Craving was still rummaging through drawers with increasing desperation.

"What is it?"

"One of my knives, I can't find it."

"You don't have enough?" Estella gestured to the six knives of various lengths she'd dumped out of a bin and was rifling through.

"No, no. I need this one. It's important." It's possible it was just the shadows in the room, but it almost looked like her lip was quivering.

"Alright," Estella sighed, trying to hide her impatience. "What's it look like."

"Antique, brass detailing on the hilt, floral carvings on the blade. About this long. Very sharp."

Estella nodded and split off towards the further corner of the rooms. Antique knife certainly would stand out. Maybe it'd been set aside as something that needed extra inspecting.

Or to be sold.

It looked like there was a box of assorted items shoved on top of one of the cabinets. Estella couldn't tell what exactly what was in there, but it looked like a very many shiny things. Possible that these guys liked to play auction house at the end of their shifts. It was high up, though, and she was going to have to climb on the counter to get up there. It'd be fine, though. She climbed into all sorts of weird places with extreme stealth all the time. She could get up there no problem.

Okay, slight problem. The box was overfilled, and pulling it off the shelf resulted in the bottom falling out, and at least nine different things made mostly of metal went clattering to the floor.

Estella leapt off the counter, grabbed for the most knife-shaped object in the pile, and started running for the door.

"This it?" she called as she neared Craving.

"What the fuck did you - yes - what the fuck did you do?"

"Badly stacked box, not my fault, let's go."

Craving hiked up her skirt with one hand, reached for Estella's with the other, and took off running.

It was the most inexplicable kind of joy, sprinting through the corridors at top speed, slamming open cell doors behind them to trip up some guards, firing a few arrows and chucking a handful of knives when they had the chance, slipping out in the chill of the night and rushing down dark alleys to make sure they weren't followed.

And it was a very predictable kind of intimacy, pressed up side by side against a brick wall with the flush of adrenaline still in their cheeks, breath still heavy in their chests, the last dregs of moonlight flickering across their curled up lips, almost like a beacon. They were leaning in before they even had the chance to acknowledge their success.

"You know, I wouldn't do this for just any girl who broke me out of prison," Estella said as she pulled back to re-situate herself better for the height difference.

"Really? I would."

Estella snorted, tossing her head back. Craving's lips were on her neck before she could finish her laugh, and she was back to focusing on much more pressing matters than one-liners.

"I have an inn room, you know," she managed to get out eventually, when Craving had to stop for a moment to pull at the strings keeping her corset shut in very complicated knots.

"So do I, but there's something so much more fun about being out here."

She reached out to grab Estella's chin with a hand, those damn rings still on. They made her touch feel cold (save, of course, for the two fingers Craving kept permanently jewelry free because they were, apparently, "all she needed"), a real shock against the heat of Estella's furious blush. Craving grinned for a moment, studying the face below her.

"You know, for a girl who's not named Stella, you really are something else in the starlight."

[idaliascruelworld]

My grandfather died and idk. Its hurts in a way i cant describe. I wasnt always fond of him bc he is kind of conservative and definitely favored my cousin over everyone else but there were so many moments where he deeply cared for me like no one else did.

Like when i said id love to go to the mountains we literally went the same day and the day after.

Or making sure the tv in the room i was sleeping in actually works while not caring if it works anywhere else.

Or when he picked us all up from the airport he would always ask us what we want to eat and not sit down until everyone had something to eat even if its just a slice of bread (tho he would kill us for just eating that and nothing more)

My grandfather was a hardworking man always caring for his garden in his village (we spent most of our time there) he planted several vegetables and had apple and cherry trees. He would wake up early just so he can work around, build us a hammock, prepare the inflatable pool when it was hot outside, plant flowers so it looks nice, drive the extra mile to get us whatever we want.

And now hes dead

He suddenly fell ill and we found out that its some type of cancer. I visited him 2 months after the diagnosis and he was so skinny and so fragile just looking out of the window we werent even allowed to hug him. It was really hard for him to talk or walk or eat or do anything. My hardworking grandfather became a man chained to a chair.

He just became skinnier and skinnier, the medication wasnt helping so he changed it, the new one wasnt helping either so they started chemo in January. That when they said he ll only have four months left to live.

My mother showed me a video of him in the hospital. Even skinnier, no hair bc of chemo. My father crying in the background. My mother had to go to türkiye several times for several weeks so she can help. At some point he had to wear diapers and be fed because he was too weak. I remember being angry at my family for having my mother leave me with my sibling but now i regret nothing more than that it was so selfish of me to say and think that.

On the 19th this month my mother suddenly left to visit him since his condition got really really really worse and just at 1:10 AM 20.02.2024 he died in the hospital.

My brother woke me up to tell me he died i begged them to let me go to türkiye so i can visit his grave and when my brother left the room i looked at the ceiling and started crying for hours

I had to take a later flight than all of my family members so i was flying alone and i cried all the time. I cried and cried and begged him to forgive me and cried and cried and then i was at the village he grew up in, where i spend all of my summers. I went into the house he built for us with his own hands but he wasnt there. I hugged my aunts and uncles and my grandmother and lastly my father and i just couldn't do it anymore.

I had to think about my father and his sibling who just lost their father.

I had to think about my cousins who grew up with him until they moved here and even called him father.

I had to think about my grandmother who had lost her husband of 55 years.

He wont ever pick us up from the airport again

He wont ever protect me from anyone

He wont ever drive me to the mountains

He wont ever grow the best cucumbers and tomatoe ive ever eaten.

He wont ever just walk around in his garden doing stuff since the sunrise.

He wont ever repair stuff we broke.

He wont ever just sit there and watch us have fun.

I wont ever see his face again.

I wont ever hear his voice again.

I saw his grave and there was no tombstone it was just a big pile of dirt with two big stones indicating where his head and feets are. They told me its tradition to wait for the dirt to completely settle on the ground before getting a tombstone which only made it harder to realise.

This year already started horribly and its just getting worse and worse and worse and worse and

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

So! Two days ago, he mentioned that their college was having an open day (he’s 24, a little concerning to me that he chose to continue studying rather than working because he already has a diploma but again! Friends, friends. Not potential lover. Wake up!!!)

Now this open day was for 3 days and the last day being my day off from work. What was funny was that, he invited me on the last day! The guy who said he didnt want to meet is now inviting me to meet him! I was confused.

And i was like “huh?” Why would i go? Im part of the working class now, im not interested in college 😂 but he was like i can bring you around for a tour! And i told him i already had plans that day (which was planned like 2 weeks prior for the whole afternoon to evening and im severely introverted so i can only meet one circle of friends at one time before my social batt runs out completely). And he was like well theres your chance! And i was semi-frantic. like shit what if we really dont meet each other at all then all this would just stay as online interactions which i dont want!!!!!!! Anyway was that manipulation? What he said? I dont know but i gave in anyway. I had time in the morning so we agreed to meet then.

I wasnt too pressured which was crazy. If someone actually suggested to meet from online years ago, i wouldve FLED THE SCENE bc the fear of being seen scared me. But the nerves started developing a few hours before meeting him. That same fear of: shit what if i dont look like the girl in my pic or what if i seem uglier in person bla bla. And again i also dont know how he really looks like which made me more nervous bc what happens if he isnt cute. BUT AGAIN i told myself why am i thinking these things. This dude literally said to be just friends so friends dont need to impress each other. So that was what got me through my nerves.

a few mins before heading there, he sent a photo of himself for ref and NOW he looks short 😂😭😭😭 i was like @ god: god if you hear me please atleast let him be taller than me pls. And btw he looks okay! Hes not as he claims to be lmaooo. He said on text k oppa and hes quarter chinese. And he said once a korean dad wanted to intro him to his daughter. So that means handsome right? Well i guess his looks might pass for others. But in a different scenario, and we met before, i wouldve just walked past him without looking up so LOL.

Anyway so i came at 11:30 and met him! Thank god, hes taller than me 😂😂😂😂😂 but just by 4-5cm? Hes really sweet and i like his voice and hes very gentle, you can tell by his gestures. And how he uses like a softer tone when hes speaking to me. And if he didnt tell me he was an introvert, i wouldve assumed he was extroverted. Because its the way he goes around talking to people so casually makes me think so. Hes in student council so hes a pretty busy guy.

we only talked and walked for an hour before we had to go bc he had stuff to do, and i needed to slot in a quick nap before meeting my friends in the next hour (spoiler: i didnt get my rest😭😭) Basically the whole thing was okay and i would love to sit down and meet him again. We still texted after meeting up so i assume he thought i was okay too. But AHHHHHH AHHHHHH i cant believe i did that AHHHHHHHHHGHGH who is sheeeeeee im still recovering from all that social interaction huhu :(

[broodsys]

ugh. finally caved and am trying to schedule an appt for this.

both tmi and n s f w under the cut bc i just wanna ventttt

so, idk. im supposed to be taking the exact same amount of testosterone as always, but the type i was using before had more carrier fluid so i took 0.5ml and that was rly easy to get accurate

now i cant fucking FIND that type anymore so i went to the more concentrated one where i need to take 0.25ml and that's... difficult. that's just putting it right between the 0.2 and 0.3ml marks and hoping. and im rly not sure it's working out?

maybe ill ask if i can go back to the cream... ik it's not as effective, but this doesn't seem to be effective, either. that or ask if i can up the dose a little, maybe? like to 0.3ml?

anyway, i think i gave myself too low of a dose a month or so ago - had an absolutely miserable week and my period came back, albeit VERY lightly, more like spotting but also cramps

but ever since ive had a little bit of spotting p regularly and ive been hoping it was just my system sorta flushing itself out again, but also now.... sometimes after i get off i get RLY bad cramps that are just like period cramps and im like :/ this doesn't seem good. i've looked into it and at best it might just be actual muscle cramps bc certain muscles clench hard during that process and it doesn't usually happen, but it's happened like three times now and the cramping usually lasts for hours after and can get p severe

and im just sitting here like.... wtf is happening? unaided by the fact that i am SO thirsty all the time. i just feel like my hormones are all over the place. been trying to get my dr to send the order to get my T levels tested but it's just been silence so now im making a full appt

it might be smth where i need to start using an estrogen cream, or i suppose there might be smth happening to my actual ovaries, but either way.... time to suck it up and get checked out :/ gonna be embarrassing tho, esp bc i think ill prob have to clarify certain things re: my pleasure process that are uh. Not smth i want to talk to a dr about lmao. like even tho he's been kinda radio silent and that bugs me ik he doesn't rly care (in a good way) abt this stuff and is just professional but it's still EMBARRASSING sigh

[ilikeyoshi]

the thing with chronic illness is u sound like a huge crybaby when u say "so i cant do this" bc ppl are like well of course u can. and in my case i WANTED to do all the things i did that saturday 2 weeks ago. but what non-chronically ill ppl dont get, and what even i don't get sometimes, is yeah i CAN do it. but i won't be able to do ANYTHING for 2+ weeks after that.

and that sounds insane bc for a normal body, "one day of too much work" can be fixed with "one day of rest", usually, or maybe 1-2 depending on how much work was involved. but when ur chronically ill the recovery time like, fuckin octuples or some shit, i WISH i was kidding.

things that have left me 80% bedbound for 2 OR MORE weeks:

one (1) car trip that took half an hour both ways

showering, seeing my grandpa and nana who came to MY house, and playing dnd all in the same day

and u think to urself well thats absurd. one of those was One Hour. but it was one hour of freeway travel, which i haven't done (that much of at once) in a long time, and despite not being the driver there is a lot of sensory information that goes into being in a moving vehicle. there's sounds and sights, there's the feeling of the car moving, there's the spatial awareness of where you are and where you'll be the next nanosecond. it's actually a lot even if ur not the one driving, which i learned after it INCAPACITATED my ass for THREE WEEKS.

like even as the person who's been dealing with these limitations for 3 yrs, it's incomprehensible sometimes. a shower takes up all my energy for that day, and usually the next. i haven't cut my hair in years explicitly because the effort of showering and the effort of cutting my hair (or going to get it cut) are two Big Enough energy drains that i cannot do both within days of each other. my options are literally "clean long hair" or cutting it short while it's dirty. i have been choosing the former bc cutting ur hair dirty is a damn nightmare.

when i shower, for the next 24 hours i can't: eat, use the bathroom, sit up, read... it is literally too hard to do without sacrificing everything else. and it usually lasts 2 or 3 days because i'm too weak to eat the first day, (even if someone BRINGS ME FOOD i am too weak to CHEW AND DIGEST IT) so that makes me severely handicapped the day after, when i can eat a little, and the day after that when i can finally eat enough to get everything back on track.

it's fucking crazy!!!! it's absolutely incomprehensible even to me, the bitch who lives with it!!!! so if ur chronically ill friend ever tells u "i can't do that" what they MEAN is "i could technically do that, but the amount of pain/weakness it would result in is not worth it". both the things that have incapacitated me for 2 or more weeks are things i wanted or had to do (the car ride was an appointment REGARDING the chronic illness) and i would do them again! but man! the repercussions SUCK!!!! it no longer surprises me one single bit when a disabled person says "i can't do that" bc literally it will destroy our bodies for WEEKS.

i dont wanna be tired anymore WAH