#and i cant say any of this to my irl friends because i dont talk to them about any of this

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[thetisming]

im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it

[mybreadsmybutters]

i think hands down the most embarrassing effect of my mental illness is that sometimes i straight up cannot communicate clearly and it REALLY sucks. always talking too much because i can't figure out how to word my point, straight up not talking because i KNOW i won't be able to word anything correctly, having to finish half my statements with "do you get what i'm trying to say?" it's so fucking humiliating to have to constantly try to explain yourself when you can't fit the words together properly.

[sunbedo]

Hey guys. gay rights

[foxcassius]

wait also my tags on that post were about people i knew in freshman and sophomore year of college specifically. i mean some of them i knew after that and most of them i knew from high school but damn some people really made everything about themselves when i was being emotionally manipulated in my freshman year

[problemcore]

ahh so embarrassing

[deathsdaisy]

Vent about mother.

Me *looking for things to sew, a hobby I adore but don't always have time for*

Mom *barges into my house (not room, house) and asked if I want to go do something I have routinely said no to and have stated that it causes me pain*

Me: no

Mom: why do you always say no to me, you're so mean to me

Me *fed up of this*: because you always ask to walk, which hurts, then you say only a small walk, then push and push and push the fucking goal post, making me feel like shit, and then I'm in pain all day after

Mom: fine sheesh you don't have to [the rest is mumbles as she storms out]

Me *lost all motivation to do the things I wanted to and no longer want food*

[ericlovessharks]

liking and depending on people is so stupid and hard and ive decided im never doing either again

[thefabulous-mostgroovy]

my period must be coming up soon cuz there is no Way im crying over not being able to mute the discord music bot lmaooooo

[tobysbliss]

probably sounding chronically online in the tags😭🙏

i think crying in my friends arms over a fucking content creator being a shit person was the wakeup call that it was fr an unhealthy obsession. or maybe just a huge hyperfixation or both but good fucking lord im ill

[grndz3r000]

Dating the Cursed Speech User, Inumaki♡

Boyfriend!Inumaki who definitely steals your clothes as a joke and parades around his friends in it (Maki is so tired stop this madness)

Boyfriend!Inumaki who likes it when you trace the marks on his face. Kiss them too. Hes gonna pout if you dont :D

Boyfriend!Inumaki who texts you at literally any time. It could be 3am, the witching hour, and he'd send a Skibidi Toilet meme. Hes brainrot.

Boyfriend!Inumaki who was once curious about your contact name for him so he wanted to ask you. In which you reply, "Will Byers but white version". ... he changed your contact name to "Hoe"...

Boyfriend!Inumaki who is NEVER serious. Im not even exaggerating. He fell down the stairs once and proceeds to text you, "That wasnt so sigma alpha wolf of me".

Boyfriend!Inumaki whos so corny that he pulled the "imma pretend to stretch then wrap my arms around you and not even care cuz im so nonchalant" move

Boyfriend!Inumaki who has mixed feelings about you wearing his jackets.. Yes, it looks cute on you, but it coveres your mouth! How will he give kisses now? >:^

Boyfriend!Inumaki who once saw a couple being lovey dovey in public, saying "I love you" ...out loud. He genuinely had a breakdown about how he cant say anything sweet or loving towards you, afraid that something bad might happen if he does. But you have to know that he loves you so so so very much.

Boyfriend!Inumaki who whenever you have to leave for a mission, would talk to your stuffed toys. Since his cursed speech dosent affect them, he gushes about you to the the fluffy toys.

Boyfriend!Inumaki who loves it when you make him onigiri :). He smiles ssoooo widely whenever he finds a bento you made him in his bag^^. (Maki is disgusted. ...but she supports!! Please make some for her she thinks they look delicious)

Boyfriend!Inumaki who makes you play with his hair ot massage his head while hes gaming..

Boyfriend!Inumaki who, one time, saw a random dude flirting with you and texted you, "what if i just make him start breakdancing rn. Im gonna make him breakdance." .....??

Boyfriend!Inumaki who tries his very best to make you laugh thru text cause he cant do that irl :((

Boyfriend!Inumaki who shares his music with you, no hesitation. ....he listens to Phonk, thinking hes cool.....

Boyfriend!Inumaki whos the definition of actions over words. Sure, hes not always serious, but hes serious about you. The one reason why hes not serious a lot, is because he wants to make you laugh and smile, because if he dosent, you might get bored of him and leave him :(( please reassure him that he dosent need to speak for you to love him:((

uh i started this at 1am but i fell asleep.. sorry lol :P

I FELT THE NEED TO MAKE THIS CUZ OF THIS SMAU I'VE BEEN READING AND IT LIKE IT MADE ME WANNA MAKE THIS BUT IDK IF I PORTAYED INUMAKI WELL :<

I love him smmsmsmsmm

______________________________________________

STARZU WORKS. DO NOT REPOST, COPY, OR PLAGIARIZE MY WORK.

[strab3rr]

ive been thinking abt a week? to delete my account or my story but u know what idgaf anymore because its just gonna give those people more courage for accusing me of being a liar

oh u dont know what im talking bout rn how cute

I was in the hospital til 2 days ago. as a patient. and i believe this happened bc of some jealousy bitches (or im just bein a drama queen)

ik it sounds like im blaming someone but irl yes i do blame someone

in dog years i blame those bitches

last week? i dont even remember what the day

mom got sick again but its okay shes fine now and then i had a car crash🪩🤩🪩my phone died in the crash literally died i had to buy a new one do you guys have any idea abt how much are this things in my country i really dont care abt the money but be for real wtf actually

i answered all of your questions carefully and with kindness i tried to be there for you guys and the moment i tell you abt my success story i had an accident! um sir wtf am i really being dramatic rn? cause ive been thinking bout this for days and theres no other explanation even if there is i cant see

so here it goes,,, i was just chilling in my home and then i read a dm about a girl that she wants to get in her void and as always i explained how she can get in but she kept ask me about how to get in but like girl hellooo i literally told you how. r u kidding me is this a social experiment to evaluate my patience? and then i said to her that this is the only thing that she should do for getting into

she said, no you are lying it cant be like this! bla bla

i transformed to this cat at that moment this is real me now.

anyway at the end of that conversation she said that im lying, if any of these(my manifestation results) are true then i should show her bc she have "doubts🎀" aww for her doubts i should reveal my self in her home bc she have doubts🎀 i should transport there with my void and show her how to do it irl thats what she asked me no- thats what she commanded me to, she was like "do it" and i was like "what😃" i said no ofc what do u want me to say, ok lets do itt lets break my privacy togetherrr let me get in your void for you and again let me do make your dreams comes true yayyy itll be fun right😍😍😍

i dont even know what to say to that

maybe this?

u think im joking which ur right bc i am

but its kinda serious here buddy what should i say to you when u command me to get in your void for you, like how can i reject you and still be that kind sister for u?

anyway i said no to her and she said im a lair and i broke her heart with my selfishness(then i blocked her ofc)then i go out w my friends this is the part i got hit by a car😇

opened my eyes into the white light like im a mf drama movie character

while im in the hospital i thought i can delete my account and can get rid of this bad luck/shits once and for all but again its just gonna give those bitches courage and they think that they right

"loa is a cult and everyone is a liar bc they cant prove bla bla" dont u dare to blame me for your failure

you didn't got in AND you want me to do it for you???honey im sorry for your loss bc it seems like you just lost your dignity yeah we just buried it u missed such a precious moment🥲

and guess what i have nothing to prove you i literally dont have to prove anything to you. like for real. if you dont believe the story can u just move on please? bc i dont give a damn shit about your insecurities, your doubts and ur blablabla

its literally on you girl BC IT SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR MF REALITY? LIKE DO YOU REALLY NEED A MANUAL BOOK FOR THIS?

im sorry for being a bitter today but i really feel like this(bitter), so not sorry maybe😗

but i didn't mean it when i said idgaf to ur insecurities.. i do honey its just been a rough week and i dont know how to put my anger in to the words

it can be a evil eye 🧿 or i just might be a drama queen sooo.. again sorry(?) if anything offends u, i love you guys but its just so complicated here(my head) and i just dont know

and now im just being weird w all this nonsense

i should go now, i will return your dms asap just need some rest

loves, siena

[pjsk-headcanons]

*VERY DEEP INHALE* nIIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHTTCORDDDDDD i am so excited im gonna be yapping so hard. prepare yourself aaaAaaAAAAAA

n25-> kanade (unit leader), tsukasa, shiho, akito (great lineup am i right)

n25 -> midnight dream|space

-cue kanade backstory as usual. sorry i think mds is not gonna have any of a better time than canon niigo. oops hehe (drops a ton of angst on them sorry they are my favourites)

-while uploading a melody to some anonymous website, she notices people talking about a different artist in her old uploads. she checks the artist out, listens to a few songs. follows the artist, named SUTA. (all of the nicknames have meaning ;) however, something seems. off.

-this happens again with an artist called nasake. kanade doesnt think much of it.

-a week or two pass when she gets a message in nightcord from SUTA. they want to pair up. kanade agrees reluctantly to call with them to discuss the partnership. during the call, kanade says she wants more people in the group (namely nasake because of the "weird feeling" and because oh my god this guy is kinda loud. its midnight and he so loud my ears)

-yknow what happens. nasake joins the partnership out of curiousity and recommends another artist that they should invite because the music sounds similar.

-kanade listens to their songs. gets the same weird feeling. agrees.

-said artist (called aimai) happily agrees to the partnership and they join a few calls, never talking. they make some demo songs.

-after everyone else logs off, kanade works for a little longer. miku heyyy oh miku wh

-enters sekai. its called house SEKAI. keyword house not home ;)

-insert "i need to save them" stuff i cant think of dialogue

-next day, kanade asks them to meet up because she "needs to get more cup noodles" (actually trying to observe their irl behaviour)

-meetup happens

-kanade resolves to save them. the rest are oblivious to what theyve gotten themselves into

kanade = K

tsukasa = SUTA

shiho = nasake

akito = aimai

all of these have meaning. also i think its funny that akitos nickname is similar to his VAs

okay i did some quick changes to make this work (and because i love bullying my favs)

-okay. remember akitos "good boy" persona? *cranks it up to max* oops so basically its his entire personality because i feel like it doesnt have enough exploration in canon. basically like more than canon mafuyus "good girl" persona.

-also. never went to rad weekend and continued soccer. still does soccer.

-shinonomes and hinomoris live in a very cough tense situation. shiho is like 10x more distrustful than in canon because of the childhood friends thing. also shizuku and ena...uh we dont talk about them

-tsUKASA TENMA. probably a little less loud than in canon and is a lot more serious. still aiming to be a star. is overbearing and worries over saki a lot (much to her dismay)

-tsukasa does the editing and occasionally the composing, shiho does the art(cause akito dont wanna you loser)and sometimes recreates the instrumental, akito does the lyrics (they all need equal amounts of saving this is not gonna be a mafuyu-akito focus)

TRUST RANKS

kanade - tsukasa -> "so loud...so serious?", "hospital encounter" (yk 💀), "prioritizing your health over mine" (please take care of yourself tsucaca and kanade)

shiho - akito -> "distant feelings", "i dont have any siblings" (lying), "dreams long extinguished" (auououuuauu)

tsukasa - shiho -> "my sisters old friend?", "not knowing you felt this way", "aiming for rekindled friendships"

akito - kanade -> "inside, outside", "heat haze rescue!" (reference to my imagined event of when kanade gets heatstroke and the rest of mds has to take care of her), "to relive past memories"

kanade - shiho -> "instrument pros", "family predicament", "burning resolve" (anon try not to bully kanade challenge impossible)

tsukasa - akito -> "orange hair 'buddies'", "troublemaking senior", "the real me?" (koughsghshhgggh)

dONE WITH THE LORE WOOHOO. SEKAIPOSTING NEXT AND PLAYLISTS AFTER...MAYBE SOME MORE CROSS-UNIT TRUST RANKS...also to anyone who reblogs in the tags i see them and you guys are literally the best

have a great day mod 👍 see you next time!!

🌐 anon

.

[obviousbaitfish]

woooow they blocked me. i dont know why i followed that person in the first place. i think theyre both assholes. oh well. anyone who Just Posts AI art is probably a dickhead anyway, disabled or no (though talking about killing yourself for a paragraph is giving emotional manipulation to me). Stay mad, stay miserable, im sure youll find comfort in each other with your shitty attitudes.

I'm not here to discuss the ethics of AI or anything I'm coming at it solely from an art discussion place (and environmental sometimes), which is that it's completely soulless and has no thought into it. Effort? To get the right prompt? Maybe. But it doesnt inspire thought or discussion as an art piece. Oh cool. It's a squid. It's a white women looking at a 3/4 angle. With the same kinda bland, flat, art style. Anyway.

Duchamps's Fountain isnt high art. It took no effort. It's a toilet he probably found in the trash. But it inspires discussion that's lasted like... decades. It's one of my favorite pieces because people STILL get mad about it. DaVinci has a similar art style, even - im not a fan of it. Realism, but kinda flat. It is much darker and more neutral though. Soft shading, soft colors. But there's a reason it intrigues people. It's studied portraits of people who existed. At least that's why it intrigues me. were they family? a friend? maybe it was a commission? why did they think that was the most flattering portrait for them if it was? If they didnt EXIST and it's solely the artists imagination, how'd they get that angle? That pose? What inspired this idea? The effort they put into the physical aspect can be a part of it. But then why is Fountain so iconic? The hardest physical part of THAT was lugging it to the gallery.

Maybe THATS why they were so mad. They realize there was no soul in it. The only thing they can bother to create is so menial and pointless. They can type little prompts into a bar and turn up with... something "physical". But theres nothing behind it. They cant explain why they painted the tree that color, or the women has that expression. The robot did that. They can say "I wanted it that way - i saw it on my way home" but I dont know... that doesnt have the same zing. It's not showing me what YOU saw. It's showing me what it's lumped together from 15,000 results for "green tree" on google. I think maybe that's it. Art in any form comes from the mind of a person - no matter how complicated or "good" it is. It's from the direct point of view. A kindergartener draws their family and it sucks but it's like a little snapshot of how they saw that particular moment. They noticed the bright sun and grass and drew it. You can get a robot to do that, but then that's from X amount of people's point of view that it's dredging from. Not yours. You typed in "bright sunny day green grass happy family" but that's not YOUR view of that snapshot in time. Even if it's not from something irl it's a little snapshot into the person's mind, how they were feeling, what colors they liked... a AI cant do that because it's a separate entity doing it.

Anyway. I dont know what moods inspired this. I think I just miss my art history classes and stuff. I'm not smart enough for like ethics or philosophy but art history I can get behind.

[gor3sigil]

hi i dont really know how to introduce myself, so i hope you dont mind if i skip that part.

i just wanted to ask about that post you made a few days ago. in one of the last paragraphs you mention how hatching is painful. but is it supposed to feel like my entire world is cracking apart around me?

what you mentioned in the beginning of the post, about how the people around you felt about masculinity, that very aptly describes a lot of my fears of reactions to me identifying as masculine, which is what started me crying and ultimately spurred me to message you.

im just so scared

i have lots of trans people in my life, i just dont know how to talk about this with most of them (see: Very Scary :C) ive spent my whole life using femininity to take down peoples walls and help them feel comfortable around me. what the hell am i supposed to do as man? can i even still behave that way? will people even still trust me? will they like me? will they feel safe around me? its unbearable. every time i think about it my brain tries to run away, there's just so much fear.

is this normal at all? to be scared like this? i mean, considering i too struggle with the radical feminist narrative you mentioned? i dont believe the narrative, but i fear it. and then i get insecure and i cant stop thinking the insecurity an indication that manhood is the wrong direction for me.

am i making any sense?

Hi, it must've taken lots of strength to write all this so congrats to you. My answer will be based on my own experiences so take it with a grains of salt. Yeah, your world will definitely shatter too. Because even if you're just socially transitionning, if you do so while being surrounded by trans friends, most of them will change the way they percieve you so your interactions may change. I know that's scary, but you have to trust the process. If they're good friends, they won't like you less or anything. That's the hardest part I think. As you read in my post, coming ot made me lose tons of friends, most of them trans, because they treated me badly after I came out.

And yes, you are making sense. I went through the exact same fears as you. The fear of not being deemed as safe anymore. Unfortunately, I don't really have any solutions to offer you, appart from building your own community, online and/or IRL. Like I said, most of my trans friends were kinda crappy about me being masc and I struggled for years to feel comfortable in my masculinity as a result. Because I did the same as you, me being a "woman" was my way of saying that I understood the struggles of others and was safe. Let me stress one thing. You are still okay, you're not a bad person. Even if you discover new things about yourself, even if you're transmasc, even if you're transitionning (if you do), you are still very much the same person as before, with your understanding of a number of issues, with your own pas experiences.

It's a point I really can't stress enough. As I said in my post, you are still worthy of love, support, tenderness, being understood, being heard, being listened to, being comforted. One thing I noticed is that my previous friend tended to dismiss my feelings and/or be "rough" with me thinking that it was "affirming" because I was a man now. Let me tell you that that's BS and don't let anyone treat you this way.

Maybe try to test the water, idk if you came out already or not but maybe in your presentation or just by talking about transmasc specific issues with them, see how they react. That being said, I really do hope that your friends will be understanding. Or that by explaining to them how their behavior is wrong they will understand and act differently, because sometimes people so shit cause they don't know any better. I hope this helps, and I really wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out again. Take care.

[triplegoths]

untagged

i cant fucking take living like this anymore

i cant do it i have to end it soon theres literally nothing for me here anymore. its too much to do. im never gonna fucking have another close in real life relationship.

i want to just like order some food at work so im not more miserable being here but i dont have the strength or stomach to eat something. ill eventually try maybe. i dont know. the drugs make me not eat like a fucking sick dog already and everything rn just says i dont deserve it

i have no motive or energy to do anything but work or somethimes playing a game but even that were usually unable bc were too tired.

whats the fucking issue with me!!!! i just dont give a shit anymore i dont want to do anything nothing makes me happy everythinf eventually juat makes me feel scared and sick and weird. every time i try to make fun or have plans it goes horrible and it just feels worse so i wont anymore ill just fucking rot alone like life wants me to

nobody here can help me and if i could i couldnt afford it so who fucking cares its cheaper to kill myself and lose the body so they dont need funeral costs. theyd misgender and shave me anyway probably

im just so fucking over it all im never gonna be happy like this. i got nothing. theres no good its just working til i fucking kill myself and putting myself through fuxking agony constantly for a life that continues to just KICK AND KICK AND KICK AND KICK me when im fucking down. i cant handle anything else happening. im trying so hard to get things done and theres just fuxking nothing. i will never ever be enough and ill never feel enough.

doesnt matter what or when or the circumstance its so depressing that its not just romantic relations too im so fuckinf scared in groups i automatically feel unwelcome and hated and like i should just go off by myself because im literally so unlikeable and everything has proved it forever. like genuinely as soon as i realized there were more than 2 people i got terrified and started questioning everythinf i did and wanted to run away bc i felt like i wasnt meant to be there and it was ovipus and i was being annoying like fucking ALWAYS GOD IM SO SICK OF BEING LIKE THIS can i just shut up forever? dirk please come back to front im tired of annoying all the people who so graciously allow me to exist around them so i dont have to be in such crushing loneliness all the time i feel like such a fucking baby and everybody probably thinks im such an annoying drug addict too can i just quit it and fucking feel and then kill myself already when i realize its worse

like im never gonna be able to afford any of the shit i need to heal and i dont even wanna try bc ill get 3 appointments in and will run out of money and continue doing that and then ill die bc i cant afford anything else. like why would i do that to myself ill just suffer like this and just do my best forever til i can only rot. id rather get it fuckinf over with and just die now. this isnt a life

i go frm one box go another. rotting. i rot at home alone or i go to work alone. i dont really go out. i dont really talk to anybody. i dont really see anybody. i have 1 irl friend who talks to me and lives in town. the other i dont see her often and honestly feel so embarassed of myself around her because of how i am that i can barely convince myself to see her sometimes even if she is in town. the other person is one of my exs and he doesnt give a shit about me he just wants sex bc thats the only thing im good for. i feel like i just annoy and make everybody uncomfortable conwtantly i dont wanna do it anymore i want to shut up

i always do it i always just talk endlessly frm the second i fucking could before most kids could talk even and i just never shut up did i? my parents were always annoyed by me talking about things that brought me joy (and they never believed me for things that were upsettinf and it was just fake and i needed to be quiet about it bc theyre not taking me to the doctor. so i stopped talking about it to my family and everybody else in my life in that era did the same. the bullies. my friends who ignored me. no matter the form it was always like that i just need to learn to keep quiet and go away and not need anything ever again. i couldnt fucking learn it every time i got a red or yellow card for talking (usually trying to ask questions bc i didnt understand or couldnt see or couldnt hear in elementary school. or to make conversation bc i was friendly and had no friends and my parent didnt play with me so i was lonely. nobody ever liked me bc i was weird. i feel like such a bitter dickhead but i get so jealous when i see that people talk to others every day. especially in person. im so fucking alone i literally get so excited when people want to call with me even if it makes me really scared (and sometimes if im not comfortable enough or feeling sad i will run a away from that too because im so scared to fuckinf annoy people and say something stupid or be boring or trying too hard or just fucking being a total downer because theres nothing good ever going on for me. i got so depressed goin on bsky today and seeing everyone playing webfishing when i cant. but even so lik.e maybe im glad i djdnt join bc one of them was in a big group with new mut and then all strangers so like. its better i wasnt able to bc i would probably jusg feel worse and run away frm everyone bc i feel inadequate snd guilty for taking up space. i always feel like im bothering everyone no matter what. fuck my exhusband in general but he also made me so much more insecure than i was already. he made me feel so annoying and he broke my communication. i was alone with him and JUST him for so long. i could only communicate in nonsense phrases sometimes (literal jibberish not memes) because thats all he would respond to or wouldnt talk to me until i did. he changed my whole pattern of speech and i still almost lapse into it sometimes. it was never any kind of real conversation about anything i felt like it withered my brain. nothing ever in depth just stupid sensless bullshit and jokes (that were often insulting me and made me feel like shit) and i was doing it for fucking nothing because everything else sucked too!!!! the only time there was ever a conversation was when i was BEGGING HIM to stop sometbing or do something for the millionth time. or him defending himself or trying to force my support and trigger my ocd (i genuinely think he was trying to make it worse he never respected it ever he mever respected a single part of me) or him fighting with me on something again (usually the thing was due to him and i just was not being forgiving and quiet and turning off my emotions enough about it. learned numb happiness)

my existence is like a plague and theres nothing here for me. theres even less left of me after he got done with me. he stripped my personality all the way down and forcef me to mirror him. everythinf will always be rotted and ill feel like a horrid shell of a person any time im near anyone. the only option is being alone. maybe this time i will learn and just fuxking stop all of this so we can stop being a curse on everybody. even if i could afford mental help theres nobody that can help me here so its all a waste. i feel like everybody will just hurt me again. doesnt even have to be a partner i feel like every single person is gnna realize sooner or later that im not worth it or they dont like me (ir even hate me) and that im just too fucking annoying to be around

i dont want to be annoying anymore. i wish it was like right after he went to prison again when i didnt have anything and was an empty shell and had nothing to say or talk about that wasnt venting. i wish i never got back some of my "sparkle" or whatever the fuck people call it. mines not a sparkle. its a noxious cloud of toxic annoyance fumes and everybody just has to keep their masks up til i vacate the area. why would i ever fucking want this to come back. i need to shut the fuck up i really do. just take our personality and every crumb of joy again im so sick of it. make it so i dont have any of those thoughts to even post. thus sparing everyone from having to be like "UGH this motherfucker AGAIN. does he ever shut the fuck up? is he ever quiet? can he just log off already? this guy definitely has no life. why does he always have to butt into everything"

that way i can just post like. the shortest most boring updates ever like "back to work! only 3 days this week for the 39 hours. more time off is always good" and then shut up for days and then "got paid nice. going to the bank and then grabbing a few groceries" like thats do much better. nobody needs to fucking know man its sad and depressing and all the same OR you are the most obnoxious prick on any site youre ever and you ruin everybodys day when theyre forced to see you in their notifs or on their timeline

ive probably already muted me bc it didnt even take a week for me to just talk way too muxh when none of of it is important and nobody wants to hear it

even if im not allowed to talk frm my body. its already annoying enough in text and then psyically i just stutter and trip over myself or cant think or forget what i was saying

i wanna delete everything i have and crawl into the earth. i hate being alive. the one time i find something that makes me happy even the littlest bit i cant do it anymore. disallowed by the universe and painfully reminded of the fact im supposed to alone and theres actually nothing for me. it doesnt get better for me it only gets worse. and it makes me feel stupid for believing it could even though thats few and far between. theres nothing left for me i need to just get whatever drugs i decide on and have one last hoorah and take enough to kill me. which hopefully wont even be that hard because im mixing downers and uppers constantly so like its only a matter of time right. my nose hurts and i feel like crying and my body is killing me again so im taking both things again. one for pain. one for maybe like. a little bit of energy but mainly so i dont feel so absolute shit. i just want it all to stop i dont wanna get better anymore im sick of it every time i try i get fucking worse or am crushed by something else even harder than before im DONE WITH IT IM FUCKING OVER IT i just wanna end it theres nothing fucking here for me im never making it. im sick of trying. im sick of always helping even while going through the wordt shit imaginable. im not sick of it. i want to help and i love helping. but it makes me fucking SICK to think about how ive spent my whole life caring for others. have been let down or ignored or told i was lying or had them hurt me instead so many times over i just fucking wish i was important enough to have gotten help when i needed it. to be listened to enough for somebody to even acknowledge or believe there is an issue (or simply convince me im overreacting)

it was fucking stupid of me to think my last ditch effort of doing art school because every other thing i failed miserably at because im too stupid and cant do enough and dont have the support. it doesnt even fucking matter bc my body is slowly and slowly getting closer to just saying "no fuck you" to the art i NEVER HAD TIME TO MAKE TO MY FULL ABILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. and then ill never be able to do it ever again because i cant get help

i am going to die knowing i never finished a single thing in my life and nobody will ever know what i was capable of.

i want to die in the most painful and uncomfortable way possible because its what i deserve. its the only thing i truly deserve. i need to endanger myself more than i already do obviously its not killing me fast enough if im still kicking and dragging myself across the pavement. i should be dragged along the pavement by a semitruck instead.

i wanna kill myself so bad tonight man. im gonna try not to bc my friend really needs me rn. but i really might relapse. im so fucking tired i want to just go and sleep but ill stay up just for that. i should just cut a vein already why do i care about beinf careful. there was a thing i wanted to do... cut myself with a razor right after i use it to chop **** because maybe itll make me feel good when im not or just fuck my heart enough to make me faint or do smth stupider

ive been writing this for so long im fucking done. i got 2.5 more hours here. i hope i find my mouse when i go home so i change my mind but i honestly really just want to end it right now. im at the end of the line really. im gonna work til i die and never get a break

"everyday it feels like noone sees and noone knows. every day i kinda wanna cancel the show." /lyr

please for the love of god like this if you read all of it i just spilled my whole guts and not even well