#and how it's been important for him to come to terms with abuse he went through so that he can make sure they have the support and safety
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i think i have problems and issues
#read this like 2014 interview with anthony green last night where he talks about dealing w heroin addiction and#there was a portion of the interview where he was like. i wasnt unsafe for my kids to be around but i was high around them i wasnt present#with them and im embarrassed to have not been more there with them.#and watched an interview call he did in like 2024#where he talks about wanting to give his kids “space to talk freely” that he didnt have as a kid...#and that he wants to make a space for them that's honest and open and where they can tell him about anything.#and how it's been important for him to come to terms with abuse he went through so that he can make sure they have the support and safety#they need#and its like.... head in my hands#[about to make this about my father issues]#i wish my dad had the ability to ***consistently*** be like. i'm embarrassed by the ways i acted around you and i want to be better for you#and i wish he had been able to really sit with and recognize how fucked some parts of his childhood were ... and ***consistently*** reflect#everything with him is so confusing and exhausting right now. it#it's so hard to articulate what i need from him.. but.#it fucking hurts to see anthony. whose music has gotten me through so much of the past two years—#which have been defined in large part by my understanding of my dad and relationship with him shifting dramatically—#talk in interviews about his mental health issues and wanting to be present with his kids and give them openness and#be honest with them about what's happened to him and how he wants them to be able to tell him about anything.#and know that. my dad wanted to give me and my little brother openness and safety too. but he was stuck i think in a lot of ways.#and now there's all this damage done. and i still can't count on him not to blame me or my little brother for his own actions.#i cant count on him to actually listen to me. and i tell him that and he tells me he's listening.#i can't count on him to not talk about the possibility that he kills himself around me or even to pick up on the fact that.#that's like. not something you put on your fucking kid.#i Know that when i step away from him‐ because i have trouble setting boundaries and being honest when we're close-#he feels like i'm abandoning him.#and . god. to have been told. by him and HIS THERAPIST. . that if we are to have a relationship. is to not DISAPPEAR .#just reinforces the part of me that feels wholly responsible for his emotional well-being. and im HIS SON.#and then to think that he tried to . dad-break-up with me over the summer and blamed me for 'deciding he's not trustworthy' after he was#after he was so controlling and hurtful to my mom and brother for years and rejected my gentle attempts to call him on it. like.#i wish he had been able to be more like the kind of parent anthony appears 2 b. i hope he can start learning now but hoping keeps hurting me
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You are in Love
~You are in Love by Taylor Swift~
Author's Note: requested! sorry for blue balling you all! But I couldn't figure out how to really finish this, if that makes sense? Summary: Y/N needed a plus one to her friend's wedding. She invites her best friend Warnings: brief mention of former verbal relationship abuse, implied smut Word count: 15,031 Luke Hughes x fm!reader
They were neighbors first. She knew Jack for a long time. Their interactions never passed a polite conversation and a small smile and wave. The conversations never lasted long enough to even get to know one another.
That ended when Luke moved in. He was a talker. Jack was always trying to end the conversation so they could leave but Luke and Y/N could talk forever. It was easy and never forced neighborly chat.
Jack swore it was because Luke was attractive to her. But their conversations were very platonic. But that was because her boyfriend marked his territory from the first time Y/N and Luke met. Jack didn’t even know another person lived in Y/N’s apartment.
But the second his little brother arrived, her boyfriend felt it was important to make his presence known.
It was only a month into Luke’s rookie season when he offered to have Y/N and her boyfriend come to one of their games. Without hesitation, they agreed to go. After that, the four of them became “friends”. Luke, Jack, Y/N, and Jonathan.
They would travel to bars together and they would hang out at each other’s apartments. It was safe to say that they were all becoming close. But Jonathan definitely did not like Luke. He was fine with hanging out with him but he thought Luke was attracted to Y/N. Who wouldn’t be, she was the definition of stunning.
Jonathan and Y/N had been together since she was a junior in high school. It had been almost four years of them being together. But it was obvious that their relationship was not perfect or good. They would put on a front to show that they were happy.
Luke was definitely attracted to her but when they first met he had no intention of romance. His intentions went strictly platonic. His intentions got even more platonic after he found out she was in a long term relationship. He’s not the type of guy to hit on another guy’s girlfriend. Any passing thought he had disappeared.
Tonight was the last hang out before Jack flew to get his shoulder surgery. They were all hanging out at the Hughes’ apartment. They were sprailed out in the living room, drinking some beers as they watched Quinn’s game on the screen.
Luke delicately rested his hand onto Y/N’s arm as he stood up from the couch. She smiled softly towards Luke. “Do you guys want anything else?” he asked as he walked towards the kitchen. Jonathan fought back spits of anger as he tilted his head back to stare towards the ceiling.
“Nah, we’re good,” Jonathan offered.
“Actually I was hoping–”
“We’re good,” he interrupted her, his face was practically bright red from anger. Y/N pulled her head back as she met Jonathan’s gaze. “We’re good, we don’t need anything else,” he said through gritted teeth.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked softly before clenching her jaw. He huffed as he rolled his eyes.
“What’s wrong with me?! What’s wrong with you?!” he shouted.
“Dude,” Jack mumbled.
Jonathan stood up from the floor. His back was pressed against the couch as he pointed towards the front door. He quickly began to walk out of the apartment, the beer still in his hands.
Y/N took a deep breath as she tilted her head back. Shutting her eyes for a moment while she contemplated on following him. She would probably get screamed at if she didn’t follow within the next five seconds.
Jack pursed his lips forward as he awkwardly looked down towards his lap. “Are you okay?” he asked Y/N as he watched her reluctantly stand up from the couch.
“Nope,” she let out as she walked towards Luke, handing him her half dranken beer.
“Y/N, hey,” he said softly as he awkwardly took a hold of the drink.
“I’m sorry, so sorry,” she expressed as she walked fast out of the apartment towards her own apartment.
Jack tilted his head back as he looked towards Luke who was still staring towards the door she left from. “What did you do?” Jack asked as he saw Luke awkwardly place her beer onto the counter.
“I–I don’t know,” Luke stuttered as he pulled out another beer for himself and for Jack. As Luke walked back towards the couch, their was loud muffled voices coming from her apartment. It was hard to make out the words being said but it was definitely Jonathan yelling towards her. Luke’s eyes widened as he felt his heart start racing.
“Should we go over there?” Jack asked softly as Jonathan’s voice got louder and clearer.
“I’m tired of seeing you throw yourself at every fucking guy on the planet!” Jonathan shouted so loud they could hear it through the wall.
“I–I don’t know,” Luke mumbled as he swallowed hard.
It took another ten seconds before they both stood up from the couch, placing their beers onto the coffee table. Luke led the charge towards the door, pulling the door open. His body ran hot. He was seeing red. How could anyone talk to a girl like that? Let alone someone they called their friend.
“Do we just walk inside?” Luke let out softly.
“You’re the one that’s acting all macho man!” Jack said as he nervously chewed on his bottom lip. They stepped into the hallway the same time Jonathan pulled her apartment door open.
“I’m fucking done! We’re done! I’ll get my shit tomorrow! I’m staying with Veronica!” he shouted smugly as he slammed the door shut. He smirked once he saw Jack and Luke. “She’s all yours boys, have at her! I’ve got a much hotter–” Jonathan began before he met Luke’s gaze, “Much hotter woman who isn’t a massive–”
“Fucking finish that sentence and I’ll break your arm,” Luke let out simply as he crossed his arms over his chest. Jonathan’s mouth clammered shut before he shoved passed Luke and Jack, storming down the hallway.
Jack and Luke instantly walked up towards the door. Carefully pushing the door open. She was sitting on the couch, her face in her hands.
She didn’t lift her head as another sob fell from her lips. Both of them sat on either side of her, wrapping their arms around her shoulder as they held onto her tightly as she sobbed. Luke glided his hand along her upper back as Jack kept his hand on the center of her back.
They shared glanced as they both took deep breaths. She was still sobbing. Not caring that she’s technically only known them from less than a year and how embarrassing this probably was. But she didn’t care. She took the comfort, she needed the comfort.
Nine months later
She was sitting on her bed, staring towards the light blue floral maxi dress hanging from her closet door. It was form fitting, a dress that Jonathan wouldn’t have let her wear. Because God forbid another man found her attractive. But she was wearing it tomorrow.
Tomorrow she had a wedding to attend where she had checked plus one on her reservation card. The reservation card was sent out six months ago. Out of habit she would check the box. She didn’t think she would have a date for the wedding after everything that happened with Jonathan.
She forgot that she said that she would bring a plus one until the bride, her freshman roommate, Anna, gave her a call and briefly mentioned it. Now she has to have a date to the wedding for tomorrow.
Standing up, she took a hold of the fabric of the dress, letting it cascade against her hands as she smiled softly. Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she quickly pulled it out to see a text from Luke.
–Luke: let me in pleaseeee
A soft chuckle fell from her lips as she left her bedroom. Y/N took fast steps towards the front door as she pulled it open. “Hey,” she said as she allowed him to step inside of her apartment.
“Thank god you’re home,” he mumbled as he happily plopped down onto her couch, he took up the whole thing. “Jack’s been gone for like a day and I’m bored out of my mind,” Luke explained as he ran his hand over his eyes. She chuckled softly as she shoved his feet off of the couch. He sat up slightly as she sat down beside him.
“Are you doing anything tomorrow?” she asked shyly as she twisted the rings on her fingers in a different cadence. He pursed his lips forward as he tilted his head to the side to meet her eye. His cheeks flushed slightly.
“Nope,” he said as his gaze fluttered all over her features. She nodded as she chewed on her bottom lip nervously. “What’s on your mind?” he asked.
“Do you remember me telling you about my old roommate Anna?” she questioned. He hummed as a reply as he awkwardly ran his fingers through his hair. “Apparently, I’m supposed to bring someone to her wedding. I checked plus one without actually having anyone so now I need a date to this wedding,” she explained in what felt like one quick breath.
Luke nodded slowly, “What suit should I wear?” he asked softly. Her eyes widened slightly as the corner of her lips curled upward.
“Wait really?”
“I don’t have anything better to do,” he let out somewhat teasingly. Her soft smile widened as she giggled excitedly. She tapped her fingertips against his shoulder several times, joy pouring out of her frame.
“Okay this is going to be so fun!” she said as she leaned away. “I might’ve forgotten a little detail,” she mumbled as she shyly looked down towards her lap.
“What’s up, Y/N?” he asked while laughing.
“The wedding is in Connecticut,” she said while awkwardly twisting her rings on her hands again.
“Doesn’t Anna live in Jersey?” he let out while laughing.
“I don’t understand it either but if we leave today, she has a hotel room that we can stay in,” she explained as she had a hopeful grin on her lips. He tilted his head back against the couch as he rolled his eyes playfully.
He took a deep breath, “Let me guess you want me to drive?” he let out as he pursed his lips forward.
“I can drive,” she said as she looked into his light eyes. Her cheeks suddenly heated up as she watched his gaze dip towards her lips for a second before lifting back up to meet her eye.
“I hate your driving,” he mumbled as he stood up from the couch. She scanned his frame for a moment before he held out his hand towards her. “Let me see your dress so we can try and match,”
Looking up towards him, she fought a grin forming to her lips as she happily took a hold of his hand as he helped her up from the couch. Luke started walking towards her bedroom, still holding onto her hand as he guided her towards her room. Her eyes landed onto their hands, it felt as though electricity was coursing through her veins.
After a few seconds, Luke pulled his hand away from hers to push open her bedroom door. Y/N awkwardly crossed her arms over her chest as she rested her hand against her own cheek. It was instant heat radiating from her skin.
Luke was not a guy that put too much thought into the idea of physical touch. Holding hands for a few seconds didn’t mean anything to him. There was no other intentions, he swore. Luke walked towards the closet looking towards the light blue maxi dress and his eyes widened slightly.
He glanced towards her, his lips curled upward slightly. “That’ll look pretty on you,” he mumbled as he looked back towards the dress.
Compliments fell from his lips so easily that they didn’t have any hidden meaning. He was a gentleman afterall, compliments were him being nice. Not being interested in her. She knew that. She knew that. He was just nice, that’s all.
“Thank you,” she mumbled before taking in a much needed breath. “Do you have anything that can work with that?”
He pressed his lips together as he tilted his head back thinking. He nodded as he met her eye. “I’ve got some options,” he mumbled. He pulled his phone from his pocket as he quickly took a photo of her dress. She furrowed her eyebrows as she smiled softly. “I gotta know if it matches,” he said nonchalantly as he ushered her to walk out of her bedroom.
“I’m going to finish packing while you do that,” she said as she stepped aside.
“Okay, what time are we leaving?” he asked as he poked his head back into her room. His eyes scanned her frame subconsciously.
“Whenever we’re ready,” she mumbled as she still kept her arms shyly crossed over her chest.
“Okay!” he called out as he walked down the small hallway towards the front door. Y/N rolled her eyes playfully as she took the dress and placed it into the suitcase very delicately. She was planning on bringing a steamer anyway, but she wanted to make sure it was perfect.
Obviously, it didn’t need to be perfect. It’s not like she has anyone to impress, or leave speechless.
An hour passed and Luke reentered her apartment, unannounced this time. He had rolled his suitcase next to her kitchen countertop as he leaned against it. His phone was vibrating in his pocket. Quickly, he pulled it out to see Jack was calling him.
He brought the phone towards his ear, “Hey,” he let out softly.
“How’s your break going?” Jack asked sarcastically. Luke chuckled while rolling his eyes.
“I’m actually getting ready to drive to Hartford,” Luke let out as he watched Y/N walk out of the hallway rolling her suitcase behind her. She smiled towards him as she switched her gaze towards her own phone in her hand. Luke continued to watch her, admire her frame.
“Connecticut?” Jack asked while laughing.
“Yeah, Y/N needed a plus one for her old roommate’s wedding,” Luke explained. At the mention of her name, she lifted her gaze meeting Luke’s gaze. He smirked before he dropped his gaze towards the floor.
“Can’t wait to hear how that goes,” Jack said sarcastically.
“Sharing a hotel room, huh?” Quinn chimed in.
“That sounds like it’ll be a good weekend,” Jack expressed teasingly.
“I mean it’s been a long time coming, right?” Quinn shot back.
“Oh yeah, weddings have a lot of romance in the air,” Jack let out through laughter.
“Alright!” he said while laughing, “Goodbye, good luck tomorrow,” Luke forced out as he hung up the phone, silencing the eruption of laughter from his brothers. Luke shoved his phone back into his pocket as he looked towards Y/N. “Ready?” he asked softly as he awkwardly chewed on his bottom lip.
“I think so,” she expressed as she shoved her own phone back into her pocket. “Did you pick a suit?” she asked as she took a hold of her suitcase and began walking towards him. He nodded as he fought off a grin as he looke deeply into her eyes.
“I might’ve packed three of them,” he muttered as his cheeks pinked up. A soft chuckle fell from her lips as she walked up towards him.
“Of course you did,” she mumbled as she walked towards him. He scanned her features as he swallowed hard. “We’re going to have to get gas before we get going,” she offered.
Nodding slowly, “No we don’t, I’ve got a full tank,” he offered as he pulled his keys from his pocket, dangling them in front of her face.
Tilting her head to the side, she pursed her lips forward fighting a grin. She rolled her eyes playfully as she began walking towards the door. “Come on, Lukey,” she let out teasingly as she walked towards the door. He chuckled dryly as he followed after her, taking a hold of his own suitcase.
~~~
They only had thirty minutes left of their drive and it was safe to say this was her favorite road trip yet. Luke was an amazing driver, so she didn’t have an ounce of anxiety with him behind the wheel. She couldn’t say anything like that about Jonathan.
She was in control of the music. Luke didn’t mind because they had pretty similar music taste. She would sing along softly to the songs but if Luke was confident, and not so confident, in the lyrics he would sing loudly. He mostly did it to hear her giggle. Her giggle was everything to him.
Rihanna was playing loudly in the car and Luke was trying to sing the lyrics, pretending to know what he was singing along to. She was laughing as she was singing along. He held his hand towards her and she happily dropped some pretzels into his hand. He tossed them into his mouth as he continued to dance slightly.
Through laughter, “You are an awful singer,” she mumbled out. He glanced towards her, smirking through a mouth full. He tilted his head back slightly against the head rest. “Like so bad,” she said while covering her mouth.
“Well play something I know!” he said while laughing.
“Fine, fine!” she let out, “You listen to depressing country music, so if you want to kill the mood. Then I’ll play something you know,” she teased. He smirked as he nodded, urging her to change the song. “Depressing country music it is,”
After a few seconds the song switched to Love You Anyway by Luke Combs. Luke smiled widely as he glanced towards her before he switched lanes. He held his hand towards his mouth mimicking a microphone.
“If your kiss turned me to stone, I’d be a statue standing tall in Ancient Rome. And if your touch shattered me like glass–” he sang with a country twang in his voice. She giggled as she watched him sing as he bobbed his head back and forth to the slow beat.
He was adorable as he continued to stare ahead, singing along to the song. He was right he did sound somewhat better.
“There’s just some things that leave a man no choice. Like a compass needle needing it’s true north. Even if I knew the day we met you’d be the reason this heart breaks. Oh I’d love you anyway,”
She fought the grin and the soft laughter falling from her lips. He was fully invested in a dramatic performance. It was probably the cutest thing he’s ever done.
He finished singing, looking towards her for some sort of approval. “Definitely better,” she said as she clapped her hands together.
“Thank you, thank you,” he let out grinning as he pulled off on the exit. “Alright, I need a performance now,” he offered as he glanced towards her as they were waiting at a red light.
“I don’t do solo performances,” she teased.
“Come on!” he begged as he tapped his steering wheel. “Please! I just sang my heart out,” he whined as he pouted his lips. Rolling her eyes playfully, she took a deep breath as she began to search for a song of her own. “Yes!” he cheered as he bit his bottom lip with a grin on his lips.
She pressed play on Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. She began to dance slightly as she brought her hand towards her mouth as she started singing, “I am unwritten. Can’t read my mind, I’m undefined. I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand,” she sang not too seriously.
Luke was bobbing his head along as he watched her, he glanced in front of him as the light switched to grin. “Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. Release your inhibitions, feel the rain on your skin–” she continued to sing.
Luke was tapping along on the steering wheel as he was lip syncing. She was pretending to sing badly but even without trying she sounded beautiful. She was an amazing singer, something she always hid. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. Soon she put her hand in front of his mouth mimicking a microphone. He pouted before he sang the chorus loudly with her.
After another fifteen minutes, they finally arrived at the hotel. It was a short cab ride from the wedding venue. Anna’s family rented out the hotel so that all of their guests could have a room to stay in. Luke parked pretty far from the entrance since all of the guests were practically already there.
She led the charge with her suitcase behind her. She was practically skipping towards the entrance. He rolled his eyes playfully as he followed after her.
They walked into the lobby, she walked straight up towards the desk. Luke trailed behind her, glancing towards an entire lobby of people he had no idea who they were.
“Are you here for the wedding this weekend?” the desk attendant asked with a forced smile. Y/N nodded encouragingly. “Okay, name?”
“Y/N Y/L/N,” she let out she glanced towards Luke as he walked up beside her, his shoulder brushed against hers.
“Perfect,” the desk attendant said as he crossed off her name on the paper in front of him. He spun around pulling the key cards from a collection. “Rooms are already assigned, here’s your keys,” he said happily as he handed the key cards towards Y/N and then Luke.
“Thank you so much,” Y/N mumbled as she glanced down to the card that said their room was 805. She switched her gaze towards Luke. “Ready?” she asked softly. He nodded as his eyes flickered all over her features. Her lips curled upward before she began to walk towards the elevator. Luke was following after her like a lost puppy.
She pressed the button for the elevator, “This is going to be so fun,” she said as she was practically exploding with excitement.
“You really like weddings huh,” he let out as he continued look over her features.
“I really do,” she let out happily as the elevators door opened. “Come on,” she mumbled as she walked into the elevator. Luke chuckled as he followed her inside. She pressed eight as she stepped back as the doors shut.
His eyes were still admiring her features. He stared towards her lips, admiring the gloss and the soft smile on her lips.
After a few seconds, she shifted her gaze to meet his eye. She watched his gaze flicker up towards her eyes. Their eyes remained connected without saying anything. Her eyes squinting slightly while her breathing was starting to quicken. Her lips parted as she was going to say something but the elevator dinged as the doors opened.
At the same time their eyes shifted towards the brightly lit hotel hallway. Swallowing harshly they both began to walk into the hallway. He clenched his fist as he pressed his lips together as he followed her towards their room. She bit her bottom lip as she kept her gaze onto the floor.
She stopped in front of the room, staring at the 805 on the door. She dipped her card into the card reader, unlocking the door. She pushed it open as Luke rested his hand onto the center of the door holding it open for her. She smiled softly as she walked inside. Her eyes landed on the king size bed. One bed.
A dry chuckle fell from her lips. Luke walked up behind her, placing his suitcase beside the wall. She dragged her tongue across her bottom lip as she stared towards the bed with a card on it.
Letting go of her suitcase, she reached towards the card. “Y/N and guest. Enjoy,” she read aloud fighting laughter climbing into her throat. “There’s a heart,” she said while chuckling holding it behind her showing it to Luke.
He cleared his throat as he took the card from her hand. Staring towards the perfect cursive handwriting. “I can go see if there’s a different room available,” he mumbled as he kept staring at her name.
“We can make it work,” she mumbled as she spun around meeting his gaze, “As long as you keep your hands to yourself,” she let out teasingly. He rolled his eyes as a sudden laugh fell from his lips.
“Right back atcha,” he teased as he stepped around her, flopping down at the center of the bed. “What time is the ceremony tomorrow?” he asked as he adjusted the pillow beneath his head.
“We have to be there by four,” she expressed as she rolled her suitcase beside Luke’s. She stood at the end of the bed staring towards him.
“What?” he asked softly. She shook her head as she sat down on the edge of the bed, kicking off her shoes in the process. “How rich is Anna exactly? This place is nice,” he asked as he continued to look around the small hotel room.
“Her family owns like Haribo or something like that,” she explained as she stood up from the couch, pulling her suitcase towards the bed. She quickly rested it beside Luke.
“Actually?” he asked as he watched her unzip her suitcase. She flipped it open and instantly pulled out the dress. It cascaded down as she held it out in front of her. Luke’s gaze landed on the dress, picturing it on her gorgeous frame.
“I’m not sure, I just know they own something,” she said while laughing. He smirked as she walked towards the bathroom door, hanging it from the top of the door. After a few seconds he stood up walking towards his own suitcase to try and decide what suit would be for the best.
“Is there a specific color I should avoid?” he asked as he slammed his own suitcase onto the bed.
“I would definitely say white–” she let out teasingly.
“No I mea–” he trailed while rolling his eyes playfully. “I’ve got a suit that would be perfect but it’s a cream or off white or whatever it’s called. But I don’t know if that would be weird,” he questioned. “I’ve worn it to other weddings but I don’t really know Anna and I don’t know if she would be mad.”
She nodded as she watched him pull out the cream suit jacket, it was one of her favorites. Her lips curled upward just as there was a knock on their door. Her eyebrows fell into a harsh furrow as she walked towards the door. She looked through the tiny peephole to see Anna standing outside the door.
Y/N smiled widely before she pulled the door open. “You made it!” Anna cheered excitedly, instantly wrapping her arms around Y/N. Loud giggles fell from her lips.
Luke rounded the corner to see what was going on. Anna met Luke’s gaze while still hugging Y/N. “Oh my god,” she whispered as she pulled away. “He’s so much hotter than Jonny,” she said, “So much hotter,” she fanned herself.
Y/N eyes widened as she awkwardly chuckled. She pointed towards Luke as he laughed nervously too. “We’re not–he’s not–we’re just friends,” she explained while nervously crossing her arms over her chest.
“I’m Luke,” he held out his hand towards Anna. She happily shook it. Anna’s eyes widened as she stared towards the one bed.
“Oh my god! I didn’t think–I just assumed. There’s no other rooms available. I’m sorry!” she said panickedly as she pointed towards the bed.
“Oh that’s amazing suit jacket, that’ll be a great color on you,” she expressed genuinely before she looked towards Y/N.
“It’s okay, Anna. We don’t mind, it’s cool,” Y/N offered as she delicately rested her hand onto Anna’s shoulder. Anna stared towards her while taking in a deep breath. “We promise,” she muttered.
“Oh so that note was probably super awkward,” Anna mumbled. The three of them chuckled. Luke awkwardly pressed his lips together as he stared towards the ceiling.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket. Anna pulled it out to see her fiance, Brandon, texting her saying there was a few more guests arriving.
“Okay, I have to go but I’m so happy you came! Lots of people I have to see and like no time. I love you, have fun this weekend! We’ll see you at the reception!” Anna expressed as she quickly hugged Y/N before smiling politely towards Luke.
Anna left the room nearly as quickly as she entered it. Y/N swallowed harshly as she forced a small grin towards Luke. “So, that’s Anna,” she mumbled. Luke laughed as he looked back down towards his suit.
“She seemed like she’s fine with the cream–off white– suit,” he let out awkwardly. She laughed as she pushed him slightly.
“I’m starving, can we find a place for dinner?” she switched the subject quickly. He smirked for a moment.
“I’ll get to googling,” he offered as he flopped back down onto the bed.
~~~
They returned from the restaurant an hour ago and they were getting ready for bed. Luke was in the shower while she was steaming her beautiful dress. A dress she has been wanting to wear for almost a year.
The TV beside her was playing a random episode of Friends. She listened along as she placed the hand held steamer onto the small desk beside her. She smiled towards it. Weirdly, the dress holds a lot of power over her. All she wanted was for it to be perfect.
This weekend had to be perfect.
The shower turned off and she spun her head around staring towards the bathroom door. There was small amounts of steam coming from the small crack at the bottom of the door.
“Oh shit,” she heard Luke say from the bathroom. “Dammit,”
Swallowing harshly, she bit her bottom lip. Almost instantly Luke pulled the door open. Steam poured out of the bathroom behind him. His hair was soaking wet. His body was only covered by a towel loosely around his waist. There were small droplets all over his frame. Her eyes widened as she scanned his frame. Her body froze as she suddenly felt weak looking over him.
Her eyes trailed up his frame as she soon met his gaze. “I um–” he let out as he stepped towards her. “I forgot my clothes in my–” he mumbled as he looked into her eyes as he gripped the towel tighter on his waist. “My clothes are in my bag,” he let out softly as he continued to look into her eyes.
Slowly, she nodded as a hum fell from her lips. He took a deep breath, his gaze dipping towards her lips. He cleared his throat as he slipped past her. Spinning around, she rested her hands onto the small desk beside her. Her hands clenched into fist as she let out a breath she was holding. Her shoulders slumped as she squeezed her eyes shut.
She could hear Luke rummaging through his bag. Her fist delicately hit the desk. He shuffled past her as he stepped back into the bathroom. She took a deep breath as she walked towards the bed. She sat down as her feet dangled off the end of the bed.
She took a deep breath as she stared towards the ceiling. “I can’t–” she mumbled as she swallowed harshly. It took another minute before he stepped out of the bathroom. This time a pair of black sweats and a lose black t-shirt on his frame. Her eyes widened as she kept her gaze ahead.
He walked around her as he laid on the bed. Luke leaned up on his elbow as he looked passed her towards the screen. Her body straightened as she took a deep breath. She could feel him laying behind her. She clenched her fist as she tilted her head back.
“Y/N,” Luke let out.
She stood up from the bed instantly. “I’m going to shower,” she mumbled as she walked towards her suitcase taking a hold of her own set of pajamas before she walked into the bathroom. Quickly, she shut the door as she pressed her back against the door. She let out a huff of air as she shut her eyes again. Carefully, she placed her pajamas onto the bathroom counter.
She walked towards the walk in shower and turned it on. The water was already hot, steaming as it shot out of the shower head. Stepping back, she took the ends of her shirt and pulled it over her head and tossed it quickly towards the floor. Her breathing was fast as she took the remainder of her clothes from her frame.
Without hesitation, she stepped into the shower. Letting the steaming water burn against her skin. Washing every thought out of her mind as she tilted her head back. Her eyes shut as images of Luke shirtless flashed into her mind. Swallowing hard, her eyes opened trying to push the image from her mind.
Despite shoving the thought away it found itself back in her mind. Shutting her eyes, Luke’s body came back into her mind. The muscles that look like they’re sculpted by hand.
Clenching her jaw, she forced her attention towards her body wash to shower as fast as possible.
It took another twenty minutes before she was done with her shower. Stepping out of the bathroom, her entire frame got hit with what felt like a wind of cold air as she reentered the tiny room.
Luke was scrolling on his phone as he was still sprailed out on majority of the bed. He lifted his gaze as he saw her walking towards the bed. “How was your shower?” he asked softly as he dropped his phone face down.
“What?” she forced out, her eyes widened.
“How was your shower?” he repeated slower.
“Fine,” she mumbled as she climbed onto the bed, pulling her knees to her chest. Luke looked over her side profile, watching her brush her wet hair away from her face as she stared straight ahead.
“What’s wrong with you?” Luke let out while laughing. Her eyes widened as she looked down towards him, he was still laying and leaning on his elbow.
“Nothing, I’m fine. Wa–Water was hot, really hot,” she mumbled, swallowing hard. “Really hot water,”
“Yeah?” he let out as he smirked slightly. She hummed before she shifted her gaze back towards the TV, tapping her fingers against her knees. Luke nodded slowly before he climbed off of the bed. “It’s late,” he mumbled. “Are you cool if I turn off the light?” he asked as he walked towards the light switch beside the bathroom door.
“Yeah,” she muttered as she took a hold of the comforter and climbed under the covers. She laid facing the wall. Luke looked over her frame for a moment before he flicked the light switch off. He walked around the bed and laid onto his side again. He climbed under the covers as he was sitting up slightly.
She tossed the comforter lower on her frame. Luke looked over her, watching her body rise and fall. He took a deep breath, tilting his head back against the headboard. He chewed on his bottom lip as he shifted his gaze towards the TV.
“I’m gonna watch this a little longer, is that okay?” Luke ashed as he shifted his gaze towards her. Y/N adjusted the pillow beneath her head.
“I don’t mind,” she mumbled as she forced her eyes shut, needing sleep to overtake her body. He nodded as he kept looking over her body. He took a deep shaky breath as awkwardly fidgeted with his fingers.
~~~
She woke up to the sound of her alarm blaring beside her. She stirred as she reluctantly reached towards her phone that was rested on the night stand beside her. Luke jolted awake before he rolled onto his stomach with a groan falling from his lips.
“Oh my god, turn it off,” he mumbled as he covered his head with a pillow. She chuckled softly as she turned it off. She snuggled deeper into her pillow as she rolled over to face him. Well the pillow that was covering his head. “Why is your alarm so obnoxious?” he questioned, his voice rasped as he spoke.
“How else am I supposed to wake up?” she shot back as she stretched her arms up.
“To peaceful bird sounds and twinkley noises, not whatever the hell that was,” he expressed as he pulled the pillow from his head. He rolled onto his side to face her, holding the pillow against his chest.
“Is that really what your alarm sounds like?” she asked as she chuckled softly.
“Absolutely, I like to wake up in a good mood,” he offered before he rolled onto his back, staring towards the ceiling. “Now I’m in a bad mood,” he muttered as he fought off a grin on his lips.
“I can fix that,” she offered as she looked over his side profile. He swallowed hard as he shifted his head to meet her gaze.
“Yeah?” he asked as his gaze lowered towards her lips briefly. “Fix it how?” he asked teasingly.
She watched his gaze meet her eye again. She pursed her lips forward as she stewed on it for a few seconds. “There’s a breakfast buffet downstairs that opens in ten minutes,” she offered. He smirked as he raised his eyebrows. He fought off a chuckle as he shifted his gaze towards the ceiling.
“You do know the way to my heart,” he let out teasingly as he stood up from the bed, whipping the comforter off of his frame. She smiled teasingly before she followed in pursuit. “When do we need to start getting ready?” he asked as he turned on the sink while also reaching towards his tooth brush. She took a hold of hers as well.
“I want to show up by three-thirty, so shoot for that,” she expressed as she applied toothpaste to her toothbrush.
“And you set our alarm for nine in the morning,” he let out while shaking his head. She chuckled as she rolled her eyes playfully. “Disrespectful,” he muttered before he began brushing his teeth while fighting off a grin.
After another ten minutes, they were walking side by side down in the lobby towards the buffet.
His phone started vibrating in his pocket, he pulled it out to see Quinn was calling him. “I’ll meet you in there,” he expressed as he held up his phone, showing it to her. She nodded encouragingly before she entered the huge dining area.
He brought his phone towards his here, “Big day!” Quinn shouted into the phone.
“Yeah, first game of the tourney, right?” Luke let out before taking in a deep breath. He spun around watching her search for an empty table. He watched her look towards his direction. He looked down towards the floor as his heart jumped into his throat.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever–not what I was talking about!” Quinn said while laughing, “Isn’t tonight the wedding of Y/N’s old roommate,” Quinn expressed.
Luke chuckled dryly as he lifted his head up again to look back in her direction. Yet she wasn’t where he last saw her. A small frown formed to his lips as he forced his gaze to the ground again.
“Did you seriously say whatever about the Four Nations Faceoff?” Luke questioned.
“You have been pining after this girl for almost a year and you two are going to a wedding. Where you are sharing a hotel room for fuck sake,” Quinn expressed excitedly.
“Quinn,” Luke let out while laughing.
“Y/N inviting you to this wedding was practically handing you a condom. You just gotta use it!” Quinn said through laughter. Luke was sure he could hear Jack and a few other guys laughing in the background.
“I cannot believe you just said that!” Luke said as he tossed his head back, “What the hell does that even mean?” he let out while laughing, “You know what, I don’t even want to know! Good luck today,”
“You too, big guy,” Quinn teased before Luke hung up the phone.
Luke dragged his tongue across his bottom lip as he fought a grin. He tapped his thumb against the screen a few times before he shoved it into his pocket again. He lifted his head up as he began walking towards the dining area. Y/N was already sitting down, waiting for Luke. Her plate full of food.
He walked towards her, delicately resting his hand onto the back of her chair. Tilting her head back, she met her gaze. “How’s he doing?” she asked softly. He took a deep breath as he bit his bottom lip for a second.
“He couldn’t care less I think,” Luke muttered as he glanced towards her food. “That looks amazing. I’ll be back,” he said walking towards the line. She chuckled to herself as she glanced behind her watching him walk away. He shifted his gaze behind him, quickly Y/N looked back down towards her plate; avoiding his gaze.
Her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears. Shutting her eyes, an image of Luke standing in front of her. His body was only covered by the towel. Her gaze lingered on the muscles tensing from the cold air. All she wanted was to glide her hands across the lines of the muscles. Instead of him walking away from her, his hands took a hold of her cheeks desperately leaning towards her.
Forcing her eyes open, she swallowed harshly. She clenched her fist as she took a deep breath. “I can’t,” she reminded herself as she poked her food with her fork. “I can’t think about it,” she mumbled before she brought a forkful of food towards her mouth.
She kept her gaze on her plate despite the incoming steps towards her. “Everything looked so good,” he offered as he sat down beside her. She hummed as she kept her gaze onto her plate. “Suprised you didn’t get coffee,” he muttered. She hummed again before shoving a bite of food into her mouth.
He nodded as looked over her features suspiciously. “Are you okay?” he asked again as he poked the scrambled eggs on his plate. She hummed again as she avoided his eye. He pursed his lips forward for a moment as he looked over her; avoiding his eye. “You’re doing that thing again,” he asked before he took a bite of food.
Y/N furrowed her eyebrows harshly before she shifted her gaze towards him. “What thing?” she mumbled before she took another bite of food. He smiled softly as he took a deep breath.
“You go all quiet and avoid looking at me,”
“I do not,” she muttered lowering her gaze again, “I’ve been told I don’t shut up actually,” she shot back. He chuckled while rolling his eyes playfully. He continued to look over her features. Taking note of the soft grin on her lips as he watched her lift her gaze back up towards him. Tilting her head to the side, she met his eye.
“Which is why it’s weird when you do the quiet thing,” he let out.
“Just eat your food,” she said as she kicked him under the table. He laughed before he took a dramatic bite of food.
~~~
The ceremony was starting in an hour and she only had thirty minutes left to get ready. A robe covered her frame as she was leaning into the mirror as she was applying the final touches of her makeup.
Luke was standing beside her as he ran his fingers through his hair with some gel in his hands. He was almost ready, he was procrastinating on putting on the suit. It was something he’s always done before game days. Luke felt good for all of five seconds while wearing suits, so he avoided wearing them for as long as possible. But tonight was special. She loved that suit.
She met his eye through the mirror as she pulled out her lip gloss from her travel bag. He smiled softly towards her as he rinsed the gel from his hands. She applied the gloss onto her lips as she continued to look towards him through the mirror. He smiled softly as he dried his hands off before he began to walk behind her. Delicately, he rested his hand onto the center of her back as he squeezed passed her.
“I’m going to get changed,” he said softly as he slipped passed her. Her posture straightened as she pressed her lips together to even out the gloss on her lips. She hummed as she watched him walk out of the bathroom while delicately shutting the door.
The light blue dress came into view. A soft smile formed to her lips as she looked over it. Y/N took a step back as she began to undo the robe. Slowly, she let it slip from her frame before she adjusted her matching underwear. Y/N reached towards the dress and pulled it off of the hanger as she began to unzip the dress and pull it from the hanger.
After a few seconds, she was able to pull it up her frame. Her eyes lit up as she put her arms through the thin straps. It remained unzipped in the back as she admired the color against her skin. Her eyes were brighter as she admired herself in the mirror. Blue was not usually a color she wore. Her business casual attire was constantly neutral tones only.
Her hair cascaded down her back as she glided her hands across her shoulders. Smiling to herself, she felt beautiful. She felt beautiful and sexy and the dress wasn’t even fully on yet. Reaching behind her, she took a hold of the zipper, she began to pull the zipper up her back.
She was only able to get it halfway up but it began to squeeze her body in an amazing way. She turned to her side admiring the way the dress showed off each curve of her body. Her hands glided along her frame, the fabric was smooth against her hands.
It was everything she was hoping for and more. Except she couldn’t get the damn zipper up all the way by herself. She took a deep breath as she clenched her jaw as she attempted to reach for the zipper again. It moved a milimeter before she realized that she would need help.
The dress was perfect, her hair was perfect, her makeup was perfect. She was perfect. Tonight had to be perfect.
Swallowing hard she glided her hands along the dress again before she took a delicate hold of the door handle and pulled it open.
“Luke,” she let out softly.
“Yeah?” he called back.
“Can you help me with something?” she asked as she took a step out of the bathroom.
“Yeah,” he said as he walked towards the bathroom. Stopping short as his gaze scanned her frame. He bit his bottom lip as he continued to admire her. “Wow, you look–” he trailed off as he dragged his tongue across his bottom lip, “Gorgeous,” he muttered.
She took a deep breath as she smiled softly as her own eyes looked over his frame. The suit was cream colored with a hint of blue. It was such a unique shade of white that his eyes were the brightest she’s ever seen. His undershirt was more blue but it was still cream-like. He smirked as he watched her eyes look over his body.
“I can’t get the zipper all the way up,” she said nervously. He nodded as he chewed on his bottom lip. “Can you help with that?” she questioned barely above a whisper. He nodded again as his eyes flickered all over her features.
It was impossible to speak. He was speechless. His gaze lingered on the clear gloss on her lips. Her beautiful lips that he hasn’t stopped thinking about. Her lips that he’s dying to feel on his. He forced his gaze to meet her eye. Her eyes squinted slightly.
Slowly, she spun around pulling her hair over her shoulder. Y/N took a deep breath as she felt Luke’s hesitant hands hover over her frame. It was electric as tension and desperation coursed through her frame.
Her body straightened as he rested his hand delicately onto her waist as his other hand took a hold of the zipper that was nearly zipped up. Her eyes shut as her breathing picked up.
He glided the zipper up her frame as his slender fingers grazed the smooth skin of the center of her back. It was fully zipped up and it fit her frame perfectly. His hand kept a hold of the zipper as he watched her tilted her head back slightly.
It was a moment that lasted longer than it should’ve. Him being that close to her and her unsteady breaths. His hand on her waist was twitchy and hesitant. Almost as if it didn’t belong there. It was intoxicating having him that close, her vision was blurring. Yet, it felt right.
His fingertips glided down the center of her back before he reluctantly pulled his hands away from her waist. Her body instantly ran cold without his touch on her skin.
Luke pressed his lips together as he took a deep breath. Y/N turned around to face him. Her gaze stared towards his chest for a few seconds before she looked up and met his urgent gaze.
“Gorgeous,” he let out barely above a whisper.
She smirked as she took a deep breath, “I was shooting for stunning, but I’ll settle for gorgeous,” she teased as she watched a wide toothy grin form to his lips. “You look handsome,” she offered as she scanned his frame again.
He nodded, “I was shooting for sexy but I’ll settle for handsome,” he shot back as she pushed him backwards while chuckling. His hands landed onto his collar as he was adjusting it. “Are you ready to head out?” he questioned softly.
“I will be in like two minutes,” she mumbled as she walked towards her suitcase to pull out the white strappy heels that matched with the light blue. Luke sprayed himself with his cologne three times all over his body. She smiled softly as the smell took over the hotel room. It was the one she bought him for his birthday back in September.
It was a bourbon and oak cologne that she thought he would hate. It was sweeter than a typical men’s cologne. It had hints of vanilla. She thought that alone would force him to leave it on his shelf and never wear it. Except, he has worn it nearly every day since she bought it.
Luke placed his cologne into his bag, watching her struggle to slip the heel onto her foot. He smiled to himself as he walked towards her, awkwardly holding his hands in front of her to help her. Meeting his gaze, she rested her hand onto his shoulder for stability.
Once the heels were on, she met his gaze. His cheeks were pink as he was scanning her features. “And we’ve reached stunning,” he expressed. A shy smile fell on her lips as she pushed him away from her teasingly.
Quickly, she pulled out her own perfume bottle from her own suitcase and sprayed it all over her frame. It was a beautiful mixer of rose and vanilla. “Okay, let’s go! We are going to be late,” she expressed. He chuckled while rolled hos eyes playfully.
~~~
The wedding venue in itself was gorgeous. The ceremony side was outside. It was an old garden house that was refurbished into a wedding venue. It was covered in vines and gorgeous white and pink flowers. The floor was a shiny concrete that look slick and new. It was beautiful. Luke and Y/N were sitting beside one another near the outmost aisle. She was sitting on the inside as he was awkwardly resting his hands into his lap.
The ceremony was going to start in a few minutes and she saw a few of her college friends walking towards her and Luke. Y/N smiled a wide grin. “Y/N!” Chloe cheered. Y/N stood up from her seat and happily wrapped her arms around Chloe for a hug. “I’m so glad you came!” she expressed as she pulled away.
“Me too,” Y/N mumbled as she pulled away. “Chloe, this is Luke,” she muttered as she pointed towards Luke behind her. Luke stood up as he adjusted his suit jacket. Chloe’s eyes widened as she nodded approvingly.
“Ten out of ten,” Chloe let out teasingly. Y/N mouth fell open as she fought off a grin.
“Oh no, we’re just friends,” Luke interrupted as he delicately rested his hand onto the center of her back. Chloe’s eyes widened as she nodded slowly. She took note of the hand on Y/N’s back. “Nice to meet you,” Luke offered his hand towards her. Chloe quickly shook his hand. Sharing awkward glances between them.
Some music erupted inside of the ceremony room, signalling that everyone should get ready for the bridal party to come out. Chloe’s boyfriend jogged down the aisle of seats. Luke, Y/N, and Chloe all sat down in a row.
Luke looked towards her, taking a deep breath. After a few seconds, she shifted her gaze to meet his eye. “Thank you,” she mumbled.
His eyes squinted slightly, “For what?” he asked softly.
She smiled softly, “For coming with me,”
“Of course,” he let out with a dry chuckle as the music switched towards the typical bridal music. Their eyes remained connected as the bridal party began making their entrance into the venue. “Y/N,” he let out softly.
Swallowing hard, she forced her gaze towards the bridal party. Awkwardly, he pressed his lips together as he tilted his head back.
The ceremony began with the usual wedding speech. The sun was starting to set behind the alter. From the glass being somewhat clear, it created a beautiful hue of orange and pink. Anna and Brandon were stunning.
“Today is a celebration. A celebration of love, of commitment, of friendship, of family, and of two people who are in it for forever. You don't have to have a ceremony to have a marriage. And when you think about it, the whole thing is kind of weird, right?” Anna’s brother began, who was officiating the ceremony. He continued on cracking a few jokes here and there. Anna didn’t want anything serious, her brother officiating the ceremony was the perfectw ay to make that happen.
“You fell in love by chance, but you're here today because you're making a choice. You both are choosing each other. You've chosen to be with someone who enhances you, who makes you think, makes you smile, and makes every day brighter. You're about to make promises to each other that you intend to keep. You're going to vow to take care of each other, to stand up for one another, and find happiness in the other.”
You’ve chosen to be with someone who enhances you.
Her gaze shifted towards Luke during the speech, his gaze was already on hers during it. Meeting his soft gaze, her lips curled upward. A barely audible chuckle fell from her lips as she tilted her body into him; bumping him. A toothy grin formed to his lips while he rolled his eyes playfully.
The rest of the ceremony went by beautifully. Anna’s brother’s words were clearly something that Anna wrote for him to say. Anyone that knew him, knew he had to study those words. But it was beautiful and unique to Anna and Brandon.
Anna could barely get through her vows. She spent most of her two minute speech, trying to stop crying. Through the tears, she was able to express all of her love and admiration for her partner. “My everything, my world. I want nothing more than to spend forever with you. I love you, B,” she concluded as she carefully handed the paper towards her maid of honor.
“Anna,” Brandon began as his voice shook, “There was a time in our lives where we were convinced that we were just friends. That part of our life lasted seventeen years. In case you guys didn’t know, we’ve been friends our entire lives because our parents we’re best friends. You’re my soulmate but I thought we we’re those platonic soulmates. That was until we went to prom as just friends and then I kissed you. So that whole just friends thing went right out the window.”
The entire ceremony began chuckling along as Anna rolled her eyes playfully.
“But you’re my best friend and the love of my life. I never thought that I would fall in love with the girl I’ve seen eat worms at the age of six or the girl who fell off of the monkey bars and broke her arm trying to impress the playground yard at the age of nine. I never thought that my best friend and I would fall in love. But everyone in our lives did. It was as if destiny refused to change our path, the path that allowed us to fall in love and stay in love. I want nothing more than to grow old and wrinkly with you. I am so in love with you Anna Julie Grimes,”
Y/N tilted her head back slightly as her eyes began to get teary. God did she love weddings. Delicately, she raised her hand up and tapped away the tears that were fighting to fall from her eyes. She took a deep breath as she watched Anna wipe tears away from her face.
Y/N sniffled as her lip quivered. Luke rested his hand onto her clothed thigh forcing her gaze towards him. She met his eye as she smiled shyly. He dragged his thumb across the fabric of the dress as she looked back towards Anna and Brandon. Luke kept his hand low on her thigh.
After a few more seconds, Brandon kisses his bride in the most dramatic fashion. He dips her back. Everyone began to clap and cheer for the newly weds. The bridal party began to walk down the aisle the same order they arrived in the ceremony.
Anna and Brandon kissed several more times as the bridal party was leaving. Y/N wiped her tears again as she was smiling widely. As Anna and Brandon started walking down the aisle, all of the guests stood up and clapped as they walked out of the venue.
Hesitantly, Luke rested his hand onto the center of her back. His thumb gliding along her skin. Her body stiffed, not used to his hands on her skin like that. She turned to meet his gaze, smiling softly.
“You really love weddings, huh?” he let out teasingly. She fought off a smirk as she tapped beneath her eye again.
“I really do,” she mumbled as she looked into his soft gaze. He ran his hand back and forth slowly. Their eyes remained connected as they talked quietly about the ceremony in itself.
Chloe glanced down towards Luke’s hand onto Y/N’s lower back. A teasing smirk on her lips.
The reception started two hours ago and it was safe to say that majority of the guests were tipsy from the open bar. The food was incredible and now all of the guests were on the dance floor. There was not a single person sitting down.
It was as if they were in a night club with everyone clustered together dancing and singing along to the songs that the DJ was playing. To her suprise, Luke was fully invested in dancing, she thought he wouldn’t want to partake. He looked ridiculous but she was convinced that she also looked ridiculous.
Resting her hand onto his chest, she leaned towards him, “I’m going to get another drink,” she whispered loudly into his ear. He nodded.
“I’ll come with you!” he shouted, a smirk toying to his lips. He held out his hand towards her and she gladly accepted it allowing him to guide her through the crowd towards the bartender. He was holding her hand tightly as he glanced behind him every time making sure she was okay. Every time their eyes met, her stomach erupted into butterflies.
Once they left the crowd, she thought that he would drop her hand. Except he didn’t. He kept a hold of hers as he slowed down. He stopped short waiting for her to walk beside him.
They reached the bartop, the bartender immediately looked towards their direction. “I’ll take a beer and she’ll have–” he trailed off as he met Y/N’s gaze. Her mouth fell open as she looked into his eyes. His eyes were so bright despite the darken venue. She watched as his gaze lowered towards her lips as he bit his bottom lip.
“Vodka cranberry please,” she offered as she forced her gaze towards the bartender. Slowly she slipped her hand away from Luke’s. His gaze immediately dropped down towards his hand without hers. He pressed his lips together as he rested both of his hands onto the countertop. She followed in pursuit as she bobbed her head back and forth to the Wocka Flocka Flame song in the background.
“Having fun?” he asked softly as he inched towards her. His shoulder bumped into hers.
“I’m so happy you’re here,” she mumbled. He smirked. She loved when he did that. His cheeks would also flush slightly every time his lips curled upward like that. Her heart would pound so hard against her chest.
She was tipsy, her thoughts always toyed the line of what it would be like to kiss his perfect lips. A mental pros and cons list of what would happen if she did.
The bartender slid over the beer and the short glass. Luke forced his gaze towards the bartender, sliding over a fifty dollar bill. The bartender’s eyes widened but he didn’t oppose on the tip.
Luke brought the beer towards his lips, taking a long sip while making eye contact with her. She took the tiny straw towards her mouth, sipping urgently.
He rested the beer onto the bartop as he reached up and unbuttoned another button of his undershirt. His cheeks were flushed red as his forehead was glistening with sweat. She didn’t slow down, desperate to intoxicate more and more of her thoughts.
His eyes widened slightly as he chuckled, “Woah,”
“Was thirsty,” she let out teasingly, the glass was empty and she happily placed it back down onto the countertop.
“Guess I gotta catch up then,” he mumbled bringing his beer towards his lips.
“You’ll need like four more,” she let out. He shook his head while drinking it. The bartender wandered back towards the pair, looking towards her expectantly. “Can we have two vodka cranberries, please,” she let out. The bartender nodded as he began making the drinks again.
Luke finished his beer, nearly instantly and placed it down. He leaned against the bartop on his elbow as he looked into her eyes. “This is crazy,” he let out as he pointed towards the dance crowd. Even Anna and Brandon’s older relatives were apart of the dance floor.
“I expect nothing less from those two,” she explained while chuckling. Y/N brushed her hair off of her shoulders. Tilting her head back as she shut her eyes for a moment.
“If my wedding isn’t a party like this, there is no point,” Luke expressed as he looked towards Anna and Brandon dancing like no one was watching. Anna was scream singing in Brandon’s face. They were in love and it was so evident from how they were looking and dancing. Luke dropped his head towards the floor as he dragged his tongue across his bottom lip.
The bartender placed two of the short glasses in front of them. Y/N happily took a hold of it and instantly brought it towards her lips. He smirked before he brought the tiny straw towards his mouth. He took a cautious sip before he nodded. Shocked that it was good.
“Alright, I need all of the couples on the dance floor for a little slow dance,” the DJ spoke as he slowly changed the song to Easy by James TW. Luke took another long sip before he placed the mostly dranken glass onto the countertop.
He held out his hand towards her. She squinted her eyes slightly as the corner of her lips turned upward. “Luke,” she let out barely above a whisper.
“We’re dancing,” he expressed as he let her take another long sip of her drink before she placed it down.
“Okay,” she mumbled as she took a hold of her hand. He guided her towards the dance floor where people were dancing together. Anna and Brandon were in the center while the couples surrounded them. They found a spot, where Luke dropped her hand waiting for her to initiate.
A shy smile formed to her lips as she delicately raised her hands up and rested them onto the base of his neck. Her thumbs glided along the skin beneath his jawline as he slowly wrapped wrapped his arms around her lower back. His hold at first was hesitant but she slowly got closer to him. Subconsciously, she glided her fingers through the ends of his hair.
“I’m surprised,” she muttered as her gaze flickered all over his features. His eyebrows furrowed slightly.
“About what?” he questioned softly.
“From your dance moves earlier, I assumed you had no rhythm but here you are,” she let out teasingly. A chuckle fell from his lips as his arms around her waist tightened, pulling her closer to him.
“I have incredible rhythm, thank you,” he shot back.
Soon her arms wrapped around his neck, getting closer to him. He smirked as he stared towards her lips. “Found a way to my heart now it’s like you’ve here the whole time, ‘cause girl, you make it, oh, so easy. Oh so easy to love you,” the lyrics rang loudly throughout the room.
“Not as good as me,” she teased. He pursed his lips forward as he fought a grin while shaking his head.
Their eyes remained connected for a while. She never wanted to look elsewhere. His blue eyes were so intoxicating as he didn’t look away. Usually by now she would look away, overly shy. But the alcohol in her system or his hands around her waist gave her the confidence to fully look into his gaze. There was something different with the steady gaze he gave her.
His cheeks were flushed red while they continued to sway to the new slow song, This Love by Taylor Swift. She took a deep shaky breath while her lips curled upward slightly.
Luke’s lips parted as he contemplated on saying something. One of his hands glided along the exposed skin of the center of her back. His thumb very delicately glided along her skin. Her body erupted with goosebumps.
“You’re my best friend, you know that right?” he let out softly.
Her smile widened as she looked into his eyes while her heart jumped into her throat. All she could muster up was a nod as she rested her head against his shoulder. Words were impossible but being this close to him felt so right. He tilted his head against her head as they continued to sway back and forth to the lyrics.
“Been losing grip on sinking ships. You showed up just in time. This love is good, this love is bad. This love is alive back from the dead. These hands had to let it go free and this love came back to me,” the lyrics rang out.
Her eyes shut as she took in the familiar scent of the cologne he wore; every day since she bought it for his birthday. She could hear her heart pounding against her chest.
They’ve never been this close, their bodies pressed against one another. Yet it was familiar, like their path allowed them to be this close. All she ever wanted was to stay in this moment, their bodies swaying in perfect sync.
“Y/N,” he mumbled against her ear. Slowly, she lifted her head off of his shoulder, their faces mere inches away from own another. Taking in a deep breath she pulled her hand back, gliding it along his neck before she took a hold of his cheek.
Her manicured thumb glided along his cheek. Their noses bumped into one another as his breathing was uneven. Her lips curled upward slightly as her eyes shift upward, meeting his gaze. His eyes squinted slightly before she looked back down towards his lips. Her eyes fluttered closed, trying to obtain any amount of courage she has.
She couldn’t wait any longer while pulled him towards her. Her lips met his with so much need and desperation that Luke froze for only a second. His lips parted, deepening the kiss instantly.
His hands tightened along her waist as he pulled her against him, kissing her back instantly. His lips tasted like the vodka cranberry he just drank as his tongue met hers. Her entire body felt like fire while his lips were perfect against hers.
There was no moment where they were trying to figure out what each other liked. It was as if they knew exactly what the other person wanted. He pulled back taking an urgent breath before he reached his hand up and tangled his hand into her hair as her arms wrapped around his neck.
A soft moan fell from her lips as her hands found his curls again. Her fingertips glided and tugged at the short curly pieces at the base of his neck. He pulled back, his eyes flickering open as he watched her lean towards him again.
Looking around him, he noticed the other wedding guests. The reminder that they weren’t alone, surrounded by a hundred people he didn’t know. He chuckled softly as he raised his hand up, delicately brushing a few pieces of hair away from her face. She took a deep breath as she finally opened her eyes meeting his gaze.
“Luke,” she mumbled out.
“Can we–” he trailed off as she instantly nodded as her hands glided down his chest, gripping the suit jacket.
He chuckled dryly as he stepped back, tilting his head back slightly. He grinned as she held out her hand towards him. He gladly rested his hand in hers as she began guiding him away from the crowd.
Her gaze stared towards her phone in her hand as she was ordering an Uber to take them back to their hotel. After the order was placed, she raised her hand up towards her cheek, feeling the heat rising against her skin.
Luke admired her frame. Her hips swayed as she walked in front of him. There was an overwhelming sense of urgency in the way she guided him out of the venue. He was drunk but his mind was the clearest its ever been.
She was everything to him.
She’s everything that he’s ever wanted.
She’s everything that he’s ever needed.
They stepped outside, the Uber was nearly there. The cold air hit her skin yet her body was so hot it didn’t matter. She leaned against the wall outside of the venue and Luke stepped in front of her. Luke pulled his hand away from hers as he scanned her features. Looking up towards him as he took a hold of her chin. His thumb glided along her jawline as he looked into her eyes.
Her hands rested onto his chest for a moment before she glided her hands up towards his neck.
He leaned towards her delicately pressing his lips against hers. Her phone vibrated in her pocket as she reluctantly pulled her head back. His eyes flickered open as he glided his thumb across her swollen bottom lip.
“Fuck,” he let out barely above a whisper. She smirked as she glanced behind him, noticing the car behind them.
“Uber’s here,” she mumbled. He hummed before he leaned towards her pecking her lips for a few seconds. He walked towards the Uber, introducing himself as they both climbed into the back seat.
The Uber took off to the hotel that was only a few minutes away while Luke reached over and took a hold of her furthest thigh from him. His hand was running along the fabric of her dress soothingly.
Y/N tilted her head to the side looking over his side profile, admiring the redness of his cheeks. “Luke,” she mumbled. He turned his head to meet her gaze as the driver turned up the radio. He took his hand off of her thigh as he raised his hand up and rested it onto her neck. Luke pulled her towards him, kissing her so delicately before he leaned forward; pressing his forehead against hers.
It only took another minute before the Uber driver pulled up to the hotel.
They climbed out of the car together. She began walking ahead of him. Luke glided his hand across his chin as his eyes trailed her frame.
She glanced behind her, almost double checking that he was following after her. Of course he was. They entered the hotel lobby and walked straight towards the elevator. Luke pressed the elevator button several time before he reached towards her, taking a hold of he waist.
Y/N giggled as her back pressed against his chest. He brushed a few pieces of hair away from her neck. She pressed her lips together as she tilted her head to the side. Luke pressed wet kisses along the side of her neck. Her breath caught in her throat as his hands wrapped around and rested onto her stomach.
The elevator doors opened and Luke instantly guided her into the elevator. Another giggle fell from her lips as she instantly pressed eight. He guided her towards the back of the elevator, forcing her body against the wall. A sudden gasp left her lips as she watched his swift movements. The elevator doors closed and he instantly took her lips with his.
A rush of heat coursed through her body as he began to suck on her bottom lip. A breathy moan left her lips as he popped her lip out of his mouth before he devoured her lips once more. Her stomach tightened as pleasure coursed through her body. His body pressed against hers, desperate to get as close as possible.
The elevator dinged as it pulled open. Reluctantly, he stepped back, his chest rising and falling quickly as he scanned her frame. He grinned as he walked backwards holding his hand towards her. She smirked as she took a hold of his hand, letting him lead her towards their shared hotel room.
Luke was pulling out the keycard from his pocket as he continued walking down the hallway. They reached their hotel room and he instantly unlocked the door.
The hotel room was nearly pitch black. Luke pulled her inside, a soft giggle fell from her lips. Her back pressed against the door as she met his gaze. Slowly, Luke pulled the suit jacket off of his frame while looking into his eyes. He tossed it towards the floor as he reached towards her taking her face in his hands as he continued to look into her eyes.
“Should we talk about this first?” he asked softly as he searched her gaze for answers.
Shaking her head slightly, she took a hold of one of the buttons on his undershirt. She began to unbutton his shirt, “I’d rather not talk,” she expressed as she tugged at his shirt. He stepped back, kicking his shoes from his frame as he continued to unbutton the shirt for her.
Without hesitation, he pulled the shirt from his frame, tossing it to the ground. Luke instantly stepped back towards her, taking a hold of her cheeks as he devoured her lips. Quickly, she kicked off her heels as her hands glided along his newly exposed skin.
He took a hold of her waist, guiding her away from the door, towards their shared bed instead. They tripped over his suit jacket over the floor, causing giggles to fall from their lips. She pulled her lips away from his as she glided her hand down his chest teasingly. His lips curled upward as his hands glided along her frame.
Slowly, she turned around, pulling her hair away from her back. He glided his fingertips across her upper back while he carefully took a hold of her zipper. Hesitantly, he rested his hand onto her waist. He didn’t tug the zipper down instantly, suddenly nervous.
“Please,” she mumbled as she tilted her head back slightly. A soft blush formed to his lips as he tugged the zipper so slowly down her back. He glided his hand along the skin, toying with the clasp of her bra before he slowly pushed the straps of the dress from her shoulders.
Carefully, still facing away from him, she pulled the dress frome her body. Stepping out of it, she kicked it away from them. Luke took a hold of her stomach pulling her back against him. “Luke,” she mumbled as he pressed wet kisses along her shoulder, towards her neck. He hummed against her ear before she slowly turned around to face him. His eyes widened as his gaze lowered. Her body was only covered by the lacy light blue bra and underwear.
Standing so exposed in front of someone like this, she was used to overwhelmed. A wave of insecurity used to wash over her. But right now, she’s never felt so beautiful. Subconsciously, her arms began to cover her frame. Luke instantly took a hold of her arms, pulling them back down to her side.
His lips curled upward, seeing her like this; seeing her in a light that is only for him to see. He took a delicately hold of the strap of her bra, pulling it forward as he glided his hand down. Letting it clasp back in place.
Her gaze was shifty, afraid to fully look into his eyes. He reached towards her, resting his hands onto her cheeks’ forcing her to meet his gaze. “So fucking beautiful,” he mumbled as his thumbs glided along the hot skin of her cheeks. He leaned towards her pressing his lips so delicately against hers.
Slowly, she pulled away from him as she carefully sat down onto the bed. She looked up towards him, her eyelashes fluttering. He stepped back, unbuttoning his pants in the process as he grinned towards her. His chest was hurting from the intense unsteady breathing. She leaned back, scooting back on the bed as a soft chuckle fell from her lips.
Without hesitation, his boxers the only thing covering his frame, he climbed on top of her. Their lips connected instantly. Her hands instantly found his curls as she tugged on the small strands. His hands started roaming her body, delicately gliding along her silky skin.
“Luke,” she mumbled against his lips. He pulled back briefly before he began to trail wet kisses from her lips down her neck. She tilted her head back giving him more access. His tongue circled momentarily as slowly climbed lower down her frame. “What does this mean?” she found herself asking as her hands ran into his curls. He hummed against her collarbone as he toyed with the clasp of her bra.
“I thought you said no talking?” he muttered as he looked up towards her as he unhooked her bra with one hand. She bit her bottom lip as she helped him pull her bra from her frame. “Just be here with me, right now,” he mumbled against her skin. “No overthinking, no thinking at all,” he pressed his lips against her collarbone.
“Yeah, yeah; let’s do that,” she mumbled breathlessly. He chuckled against her skin, sending a vibration through her body.
~~~
It was early the next morning when she finally woke up. She stirred slightly, taking in a deep breath as her eyes slowly flickered open. Glancing down, she saw familiar hands around her stomach. She felt his lips, softly brush against her shoulder.
Flashes of last night entered her mind like photographs. The way his hands gripped and glided along her skin. His lips pressing and sucking against her skin. The breathiness of his voice and the soft moans coming from her own lips. Her vision blurring from the overwhelming amount of desire as he continued to make her feel so good. His lips and hands felt like they were meant to touch her frame, please her.
“Morning,” he whispered before he continued to brush his lips delicately along her skin. Slowly, she rolled onto her back, meeting his tired gaze. She raised her hand up and delicately glided her hand along his skin.
“So last night wasn’t a dream,” she mumbled while looking into his gaze. He smirked slightly as his fingertips glided along her skin of her back in an inconsistent pattern. Leaning towards him, she kissed him; mainly to see if the magic from her intoxicated mind was still there.
As soon as his lips connected with hers, the sensation was almost more magical then the night before. She hummed as she pulled away, every ounce of tension in her body faded as she looked into his eyes.
“What are you thinking?” he asked softly as he continued to glide his hand along her skin. She shook her head as she began to kiss him again. He chuckled against her lips as she carefully push him onto his back. Her hand glided along his chest, the more she deepened the kiss. She could feel his heart pounding hard against his chest.
She pulled back, meeting his gaze, “What’s this?” she asked softly as her hand continued to carefully glide along his chest.
“What?” he asked softly, a dry chuckle leaving his lips.
“Why is your heart beating so fast?” she asked. He glanced down towards her hand on his chest.
He smirked, “I can’t really control it,” he let out teasingly.
“Do I make you nervous?”
“A little,”
“Why?” she asked softly as she continued to look into his eyes. His lips fell into a pout as he shook his head slightly. “Don’t be nervous,” she whispered.
“What are we doing?” he asked softly as he ran his hand across her cheek. His thumb gilded along her lower lip. Y/N hummed as she looked into his eyes deeply. She didn’t reply right away as their eyes remained connected. Simply enjoying the moment of them being this close.
“Right now, I just want to stay like this,” she explained as she inched towards him, wanting his lips on hers again. Luke nodded as he looked all over her features, “I don’t want to talk about anything yet,” she mumbled.
“But–” he muttered as he glided his hand to the base of her neck. Her lips fell into a pout. “We’re going to have to talk about it eventually,” he expressed. She nodded as he quickly leaned towards her kissing her desperately.
“Okay,” she mumbled against his lips as he slowly climbed on top of her, a giggle falling from her lips.
~
They were only fifteen minutes from their apartment complex and neither of them have talked about what has happened. The music was loud and they were singing along to the songs. Their hands were kept to themselves. Suddenly aware that the bubble they have been in since the wedding won’t last.
Reality was around the corner and wedding bliss was completely gone. The tension between them was high, she missed having his lips on hers. She knew that last night meant more. It was obvious to both of them that they had feelings for one another. But it was difficult to finally say the words.
Luke swallowed hard as he reached over and turned down the music.
“I was listening to that,” she mumbled as she tilted her head to the side to meet his brief gaze.
“Y/N,” he let out with a soft smile on his lips.
“I know,” she muttered while chuckling softly. “I just don’t know what to say,”
“I would maybe start with something like “Oh my god Luke, you’re like the best kisser ever,” or something,” he let out mocking her voice slightly.
She barked out a laugh, “I would never say anything like that,” she teased.
“So it’s not true?” he said with a smirk.
“I would never stroke your ego like that,”
“Funny, you did a lot of that last night–”
“Luke Hughes!” she scolded smacking her hand against his shoulder.
“And this morning,” he let out, a teasing grin on his lips.
“Oh my god, Luke,” she let out again while shaking her head.
“There you go,” he teased.
She rolled her eyes playfully while looking back down towards her lap. Slowly, she spun the rings on her fingers as her heart was pounding so loudly. She chewed on her bottom lip as she searched for the right words.
Usually she would run. She hated confrontation or real conversations. Maybe that’s because Jonathan was never good at it. She was always afraid of speaking her real feelings, finding the right words.
Luke took a deep breath, realizing it was more serious than what he was letting on. It was important, this moment was important. Probably not perfect timing on his part because all he wants to do right now is kiss her. Except he was flying down the expressway going eighty miles an hour.
Y/N fist clenched as she shook it slightly. She tilted her head back, staring towards the car in front of them. “I am not good at this,” she muttered while letting out a long breath.
“What do you mean?” he asked softly as he glanced towards her for a second.
“I’ve only been in one relationship and it was bad. Not even just at the end. It wasn’t good from the start. I don’t know what’s good. I don’t know how to be–” she trailed off as she dropped her gaze towards her lap. “I know but I can’t say it. I don’t know how to say it,”
“I don’t know either,” Luke let out while taking a deep breath, “But I do know that I am in love with you,” he forced out. His eyes widened slightly as his mouth forced shut. He stared ahead as he pulled off the exit towards their apartment. Her lips curled upward as her heart jumped into her throat.
“In love?” she asked with a smile.
He scoffed before he let out a sudden laugh. “Don’t pretend like you didn’t know,” he teased as they pulled up to a red light. Their eyes finally met as he tilted his head to the side.
“I’m not pretending,” she mumbled, “I thought–I didn’t– I thought you were just…” she stopped talking as she continued to look into his eyes. “In love?” she asked a grin toying to her lips.
“I thought I was obvious,” he let out teasingly as the light switched to green. He forced his gaze ahead. “Like embarssingly obvious,”
“And how were you obvious?” she questioned teasingly.
“Well there was the constant flirting with you,”
“It was not constant,”
“It was almost all of the time, actually,” Luke let out while chuckling.
“Maybe you’re bad at flirting,”
“Maybe you’re oblivious,” he turned his head meeting her gaze as they landed at another red light. “I was kind of just waiting until you were ready,”
“Ready for what?” she asked softly.
“Ready for this,” he muttered as he leaned towards her, kissing her desperately for only a few seconds. He kept his hand onto her cheek, gliding his thumb across the skin momentarily before he pulled away from her.
“We need to get home,” she mumbled as she tilted her head back as she bounced slightly. Her body was full of adrenaline as she saw their apartment complex straight ahead.
“Yeah?” he let out teasingly as he drove ahead. All she come muster up was a hum as she chewed on her bottom lip. He pulled into the parking garage towards their apartment complex. He parked his car in his parking spot and instantly climbed out of the car. She followed in pursuit.
He jogged around towards her side of the car, looking deeply into her eyes. Luke stepped up towards her as her back pressed against his car. Her heart jumped into her throat as she looked into his eyes.
He reached his hand up and delicately took a hold of her cheek, “I’m in love with you,” he whispered again. Her lips curled upward as she scanned his features.
“Yeah?” she teased. He rolled his eyes playfully, shaking his head slightly before he leaned towards her kissing her urgently.
Her hands instantly found his hair again, pulling him closer if it was even possible. “I’m in love with you too,” she mumbled against his lips.
He pulled back as he tilted his head to the side, “Thank god,” he mumbled before he devoured her lips once more.
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The Bolter (part four)
Steve Rogers x f!reader / (Bucky Barnes x f!reader)
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synopsis : Steve carries out his decision to return to Peggy, aiming to live out the rest of his days with her. But this means he's leaving everything behind - he's leaving you. Did he make the right choice? Will there be anything left with you to come back to?
in this chapter : Steve realises where home is, both in 2017 and in the 1950s. The reader bolts, faced with the memory of the woman Steve cherishes. Bucky starts to find himself drawn to you.
themes/warnings : pining, unrequited love, angst
word count : 2.6k
main masterlist ▪︎ series masterlist
2017, a year after the Avengers' Civil War
It had been nearly four months of the arrangement that you and Steve shared. Hiding away in some remote cabin in Alaska.
Time was running out. You both knew you had to get a move on soon, as you can't stay in one place for too long.
If only you actually stayed put, and didn't cause Steve to worry almost every other week.
He quickly realized that you came and went when you pleased. A habit you must have picked up from your profession, one that Steve was sure would drive him to madness.
He was glaring at the newspaper he picked up from the nearest town when he made a supply run.
Your name was printed in bold lettering, along with your moniker, Huntress. Wanted for conspiring against the State, it read. You had been spotted in some other city, a blurred-out CCTV snapshot of your face included on the page.
If seen, please alert your local authorities. Suspected to be in hiding with Steve Rogers, famously known as Captain America. Reward to be disclosed.
Captain America. Steve never thought there would come a time when that name would leave a bad taste in his mouth, until now. He wondered what excuse you would have this time. Which person was it that you just needed to help? What was this important thing that justified suddenly leaving without telling Steve?
Steve hated your absence, but he knew he was being a hypocrite. He admired how eager you were to help your friends. If he was in your place, he would probably do the same.
He had begun thinking of the next plan. He knew he would always be welcome in Wakanda, but he didn't want to abuse their generosity. It would subject them to intense scrunity in the international political arena and they were already doing more than enough with just taking Bucky in.
No matter the next step, wherever the location, Steve found himself thinking of you. He would always think in terms of we, not I.
Where would we go next? Where would we be safe?
You were free to go wherever you wanted, of course. The others have been roaming different corners of the world, and maybe it was even safer that way, to spread out in those circumstances.
You could choose to go alone to a different hideout, and of course he would have to accept that.
But Steve didn't want you to leave him.
Why? What was he to you? What were you to him? Steve thought of how he never had the best timing. He knew there was something there, and you had to know it too.
He felt it whenever you would smile at him as he handed you your cup of coffee. He felt it in how comfortable it was when you would both read in silence at the opposite ends of the couch in the living room. He felt it in how much you cared, in how you understood his strong tether to Bucky.
And that small cabin was the biggest testament to it all. It was absurd, how much it felt like a home to Steve.
A home, while he was being hunted down and scorned by the country whose values he so proudly stood for and represented. A place of refuge, while everything else was in shambles.
He knew it was all because of you.
If only you would be quick in coming back home.
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You didn't mean to leave abruptly again, without giving any notice.
Really, you swore you didn't.
You were also lying to yourself. Because you knew it was all because of what Steve mentioned a few nights prior.
Or rather, who.
It was all going well, you thought. You were getting to know your dangerously attractive housemate quite well. So much so, that you had decided he would be the first one you'd call if you ever got into trouble or needed a shoulder to cry on.
Natasha would understand, of course. She had been in contact, updating on her whereabouts, and also checking in on her apparent ship.
"Ship? Here in the woods?" You had been visibly confused, stupidly glancing out the window as if that very ship would materialise.
"No, you idiot. Ship... relationship. A couple. All the kids are using it these days."
Oh. You debated acting oblivious but you knew that would never fly with someone like Natasha. Nothing really got past her, and you had to admit, your excitement flared up a little bit every time she hinted at something between you and Steve.
Nat was one of the shrewdest people you ever met, and she didn't have the habit of stirring things for no reason.
So you believed her, and you hoped.
In that cabin, in that isolated little bubble, Steve was really all you had and vice versa. Selfishly, you wished you never had to leave. You found yourself imagining that you were an actual couple, maybe even married. That you had chosen to live together in that place, and that circumstances did not just force you together.
That image quickly came crashing down, the curtains closing in the middle of a play. Because that was all it was - make believe.
You and Steve were sitting cross-legged in front of the fireplace one late night, your mind going haywire because his knee was pressed against yours. Your heartbeat skipping because he would pat your leg once in a while.
Maybe it was a Steve thing. Maybe it was just a gesture people make when they tell stories to their friends. But friends wouldn't lean in so close, would they?
He eagerly shared about his life in the 30s, when he was an asthmatic hundred-pound determined youngster. When he'd only ever been Steve. He kept a box of personal things that reminded him of his era, and the two of you perused through them. You smiled at the brochure from a museum exhibit that featured him and Bucky. Tried flicking on rusty old lighters. Jokingly saluted him while putting on the pins that were circulated when he was first introduced to the public as Captain America.
Your delusional self thought you noticed his focus drifting to your lips almost every time you replied to him, and that he got that look in his eyes.
But you reached in the box and picked up what looked like a compass. You pried it open, and one glance at his face told you everything.
In it was an image of Peggy Carter, you recognised. You knew all about her and her work for SHIELD. You knew her and Steve had been acquainted back in their day, but you didn't know how much.
He leaned back almost immediately, his touch no longer on you, looking like he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.
"Peggy Carter, right?" you offered eventually, balancing the compass in your palm. From what you can recall, she had passed recently. But clearly her ghost was still haunting Steve.
"Y-yeah," he stammered, strangely unable to look you in the eye. "I met her just before I was put to the serum, actually."
Well, that's definitely something. She knew him when he was just Steve, and she saw him. That must have left a mark.
"So... can you tell me about her?" you asked to fill the silence. To quell the barage of intrusive thoughts you had.
Steve noticed the difference in your posture, straightened back and stiff smile. You had been freely laughing moments ago, and he had been too. He wouldn't be able to remember what he said after that, distracted by the sudden coldness in your expression. He must have said something about Peggy being good at her job. About how big of an impact she made on SHIELD.
You didn't want to ask about the obvious thing, and you didn't have to. You could see it in his eyes.
You were also responding on auto-pilot. Like you were simply making small talk. The mood had changed, and you hated yourself for not looking into Steve's file with more detail. There must have been clues there about his past relationship with Peggy.
But if you had known... then what?
You would have fallen for him anyway. But at least, you would be aware that you were falling for someone who wasn't yours to keep.
Because if there ever was something, Peggy's unfading light is one you don't want to compete with.
You let the conversation go on for a few minutes more, to not arouse his suspicion, before making some excuse about being tired and needing sleep.
Hold on, you heard him plead. Maybe you can show him one of the movies you kept telling him about? The one with the Anakin character you liked?
You did your best not to cave in.
Even if all you wanted was to crumble, and kiss him hard enough that any remnants of Peggy Carter still lingering would dissipate.
When you heard that your friend Mason needed some help getting Secretary Ross off his tail, you jumped on the opportunity to leave. Even though Natasha already said she would be on it.
Of course, she saw right through you.
The task was quick and easy and soon enough, the three of you were sitting on lawn chairs in front of her cozy trailer in Norway, when Mason cheekily commented on the little arrangement you had with the Captain America.
"How do you do it?" he joked. "Being under the same roof as him, and not getting some of that? I mean, I know you're all international criminals right now, but even criminals need some loving once in a while."
"Leave her alone," Natasha quipped, pointing at him.
"We're friends," you said defensively, to which Nat raised her eyebrows at you.
"Sure, hon," she said, before taking a swig of her beer. "Shouldn't you be making your way back to him? Steve must be worried."
You shrugged, but you knew she was right. It didn't feel right being away from him like that. Running away like you were a teenager acting out.
It took you only two days to come back, with the help of one of Mason's many smuggled helicopters.
You felt his presence immediately once you stepped foot in the cabin.
Days old newspapers sprawled on the kitchen counter. Fresh coffee on the pot. The surprising but pleasant smell of baked goods coming from inside the oven.
He materialised from your periphery, wiping his hands clean on a towel. Clean-shaven once more, your eyes getting drawn to his pink lips now in clear view.
"Did you - "
"Oh, yeah," he said, gesturing towards the oven. "I tried making you something. Nat called me and said you were on your way back."
That traitor.
But then Steve added, "Welcome back," with that sheepish smile on his face, and you forgot what you were supposed to be pretending to be annoyed at Nat for.
It was comfortable, familiar, like home, when you both silently enjoyed the blueberry muffins he prepared.
You expected him to lecture you, to remind you of the dangers of running off by yourself again. But he took a gentler approach.
It felt good when he made sure you were okay, asking the same question but in three iterations. Are you okay? Did everything go well? Does anything hurt at all?
Did he know why you left so abruptly? Did he suspect anything?
Later that evening, he brought up the fact that perhaps you both should be moving on to another safe place.
You felt his eyes glued onto you, gauging your reaction.
Taking a deep breath, you said, "Okay."
Steve had been practicing what to say, how to ask you, while you were away. He would suggest that you were safer together. That the two of you could go see Bucky for a time. That it was probably smarter for you to stick with someone like him - if you ever got caught, he could use himself as leverage, negotiate in order to lighten your sentence.
But all that was no longer needed, because you asked, "Where will we go?", without wavering.
We.
It turned out Steve wasn't going to lose his home, after all.
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The 1950s, six months after Steve's arrival
Steve is certain that there must be something wrong with him.
Maybe he's just been in the fray for far too long, going from one fight to the next, that now he is supposed to settle and be at peace - he can't.
It disappoints him. He's frustrated with himself. He's become angry.
It's not fair. How does he still feel like a man out of time for someone who has returned back to where he supposedly came from. Back to where he belongs.
Peggy has noticed his frustration, so she suggested they head down to a local fancy restaurant once a week.
A recurring date of sorts, giving them the chance to spend one-on-one time together. They had both been busy - Peggy with SHIELD, Steve with his newfound job managing a local community centre.
His job was simple enough, definitely less demanding than what he's used to, and he's satisfied that he still gets to be of service. He's also refurbishing their home. Doing everything to keep busy.
Everything to keep you out of his mind.
But Hunter would stroll in when he would fit the new wooden panels for the back porch.
Hunter, his dog. Named so because Steve had the thought that Huntress would appreciate the tribute.
You would, but you aren't there.
He's supposed to be at peace now. He's supposed to finally feel at home.
But he wasn't called the man out of time for no reason, and he's come to accept that maybe they had been onto something.
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2024, six months after Steve's departure
Bucky's date is going well. At least he thinks so. Not that he would have much knowledge on how these things go nowadays.
His first date as himself, James Barnes, since the 1940s. Leah's a lovely girl, but it was mostly due to yours and Yori's instigating that he caved in and asked her out.
Well, he didn't really ask. You did. But Leah was kind enough to accept.
The conversation is fine, flowing smoothly, a couple beers shared between the two.
Leah asks how old he is, and he replies dryly, "106."
Bucky isn't sure she got it, but it's better this way. She doesn't need to know who he is, or what he's done. She wouldn't understand.
As they play a round of Battleship, Bucky wonders if you would be good at this game, if you would playfully stare into his eyes much like Leah is doing.
He thinks of how much he likes your eyes, and the way you look at him.
But he is 106 after all, so he's not some fool. He suspects that he might be a stand-in for his revered lost bestfriend. Do you see him, and only him, or is he partially hidden behind Steve's shadow?
Do you keep him around, because he reminds you of him?
Bucky decides he's not ready to know the answer to those questions. Not just yet.
Leah makes another move. He lets her win.
He calls you right after the date. You did say that he should tell you all about it.
"So how was it?" you eagerly ask right away, not even bothering with a hello.
Bucky finds himself smiling at your voice, pausing on the sidewalk on the way back to his apartment, "Have you played Battleship before?"
Read chapter five here ~
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Happy TTPD release day! I just knew The Bolter would be one of my favourites!!!
The final scene is in reference to the first episode of The Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Lil bit of a spoiler!!!! -- We'll see them all back together in the middle of that series.
There will only two-three more chapters of jumping back and forth in time. I'm also worried I'll confuse myself with the timeline. If the months/years aren't aligned with MCU canon, please ignore it.
Also - if not in the next one, then there will definitely be smut in chapter six. But with who???? Steve or Bucky? I'll let you guys speculate... 👀
#steve rogers#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers imagine#bucky barnes#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes imagine#mcu#chris evans#sebastian stan#captain america#the avengers#the bolter
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so, i've been thinking about laios's relationship with his mother. we all know about his daddy issues by now, but no one thinks about his mother. i mean, he disowned her as well. he hardly talks about her. he has a lot to say about his dad but when it comes to his mother, the most he'll say is "idk, she was kinda sick a lot."
and i think it was because he did hold her on a high pedestal. she's his mother, his protector. i know for sure she babied him a lot. mothers who's first-born is a son mostly do.
she was the one who even gifted him his precious monster manual!
so, what happened? why did he also lump her with his father and decided "i'm never speaking to them ever again." ?
to put it in simple terms, it was falin. laios was so upset about how his parents treated the situation about the villagers' abuse to falin. both of them didn't know how to handle it, but they both failed at protecting her. the best their father can come up with is sending falin away to the magic school. (without explaining why bc their dad sucked at communicating with his family.)
their village was also very conservative, especially towards magic-users. i always found it to be odd since magic does seem to be the norm in the "dungeon meshi" world, however evidence shows it's not all well-known all around the world. i mean, rin's parents were burnt to death for using magic that was thought to be "black magic".
and falin's natural magical talent being "talking to the dead" would make anyone nervous bc that could be linked to black magic.
their mother is always described to be "frail", and i bet it's mostly because she's very superstitious. gotta be honest here as well, she maybe wasn't mentally healthy. this is just an assumption but their mom comes off as paranoid and anxious, and then does these made-up rituals to try to "heal" her daughter.
hurting falin like this was the final nail in the coffin for laios, because maybe he thought he could rely on her? "hey mom, can you tell dad not to send falin away? please?"
yeah, she had "good intentions", but she still abused her daughter? because she made the situation about herself and went "oh god, it's my fault my daughter is a freak. i have to fix this."
also, laios looking so stressed and haggard here makes me so sad. like, what if their mother did something similar to him when he was younger? he wouldn't care about himself getting hurt, but seeing his own mother doing it to falin is nerve-wrecking.
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the way both siblings are portrayed as autistic in different ways is important to their characters. just because falin understood why their parents did what they did, doesn't make it okay. they still hurt her, and laios knows that. and in a way, they hurt him too.
if their parents couldn't protect them from awful, nasty people and expected their children to just bare it, how can laios trust them?
this is scary to see for a child.
after that, he pretty much gave up on his parents and never looked back. but i also think, if he misses them, it's more his mother than his father.
afterall, he did his best to keep his monster manual safe.
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#delicious in dungeon#delicious dungeon#laios touden#falin touden#laios and falin's mother#gothie's opinions#btw what i meant when i said their mom probably did similar rituals to laios when he was younger#was that he seemed to be nonverbal as a toddler if that one extra about the day he met falin is the only comic of baby!laios#and autistic children during those time periods were always thought to be something evil or something similar#so who's to say their mom didn't try some of those weird made-up rituals on him too? 😬#that's mostly a headcanon tho but tbh i wouldn't be too surprised
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There’s a reason I don’t like the Ink and Dream fight. I don’t believe it does justice to Dream’s character and villianizes Ink too much.
Dream main arc is about coming to terms with the death of Nightmare, but also accepting that what happened wasn’t his fault and the villagers were wrong. Nightmare was killed for things out of his control. His death could’ve been prevented if he was treated with compassion and understanding. Nightmare was not evil just because he was the guardian of negativity, and his morals and values around this also did not make him evil. The judgement casted against him that caused his abuse was unfair, as Nightmare could not control the hand he was given in life and what his side of the scale entailed. Dream understands as he gets older the importance of the balance and how the judgement towards Nightmare due to what he guarded was unfair and unjust.
And yet, when confronted with Ink, who has a moral compass and a job with expectations out of his control, Dream does the very thing the villagers do and condemns him. Rather than understand Ink’s position and acknowledge that what his brother went through is similar to the morality that Ink juggles, Dream pushes him away and villainizes him. Ink sees people as concepts and lets them sit in misery in AUS because he ISN’T ALLOWED TO INTERFERE REGARDLESS. He does not ever want to disobey the creator’s and his job as an overseer, so he never would. He partners with Dream to protect them from getting destroyed and respects Dream for this. But he is allowed to not get more involved and to have his own standing with things. Dream doesn’t have to agree, but if Dream was still reeling from the conclusions he faced from Nightmare, he should understand or at least approach this with a lot more grace.
Instead, it’s written as if Ink is a villain for his views and that Dream is a sweet soul incapable of harm. Ink is painted to be a toxic friend who manipulated Dream and poor little Dream fell right for his trap. If Dream was written to be a hypocrite in this case, that would be an interesting dynamic and character flaw. But he’s written to be correct in this argument, and it stomps all over his character development towards Nightmare’s death. Neither should be correct, because both have their own motivations. If it was accurate to Dream’s characterization presented, the fight shouldn’t have even happened. If it was before his arc, then yes, it would make more sense. But the lack of apology or conclusion post-acceptance-arc shows that it isn’t about Dream’s lack of awareness. It’s just about making him the angel of the multiverse while Ink is villainized once again for things out of his control.
And before people say Ink has a choice in the matter- no he does NOT. If he angers the creators, he loses his vials which are his temporary soul. He will turn into a husk and basically die. If he does not appease them and abide by the minimum rules in place, he will lose everything. Though he doesn’t listen to ALL the rules, that’s more fanon than anything. In his canon, he abides by them (mostly) and only interacts with outcodes- which is why he’s close with Top. Even if he doesn’t, he doesn’t push his luck too much to upset them or fail at his job, and stays hidden most of the time to keep the AUS from interacting with him. I can’t see him keeping that from Dream either- especially since Ink isn’t one to form connections and if he committed to a team-up, he had to actually care about Dream enough to trust him with those secrets. If Dream still shunned him and Ink was written to STILL be in the wrong, it’s a direct injustice to Ink and what’s on the line for him, and it paints Dream as selfish with a god complex. Which is fine! You can have a character with flaws! I would be so fine if it WAS about Dream’s flaws. But it isn’t. Because Canon Dream is a Mary sue of a character who can’t do anything wrong.
And don’t get it twisted, I LOVE Dream, which is why this fight angers me. If you want the fight, have Dream apologize to Ink and Vice versa in the future and come to an understanding. Allow Dream to admit his wrongdoings and have Ink do the same. Or if you don’t want that and want Dream to have more complex flaws toward Ink, THATS FINE!! THAT IS LITERALLY FINE TO MAKE DREAM A JERK IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS BC HE SHOULDN’T BE PERFECT. NOBODY IS. Make characters with history complex instead of tools to make your character more of an angel. Or don’t have the friendship breakup at all and have it be a fight that they work through together. You don’t even need to keep them working together. Like god just give Dream more complexity besides a little smol bean angel who is manipulated by everyone he meets.
My older sister and RoseVerse Co-writer saying it best: “i think this is the thing that arcane fumbled on when it came to cait
because they thought they wrote her has a beacon of virtue that when pointed in the wrong direction is catostrophic
but the narrative spent so much time trying to make the audience understand her instead of put in the work to teach her that yes, although she was manipulated, her drive to punish the undercity over one grief made her a hypocrite her mother wouldnt have recognized
dream in the same vein is supposed to be clear and cut archetype of goodness, and by that logic, nothing he does can be wrong
oh God killed all those people in the flood? he's good, and god is kindness and therefore the death was not only justified by merciful. but dream *cant* be an archtype of goodness if you also want them to have a character arc, they need to have flaws, be multi dimensional. you cant have your cake and eat it too. dream betrays ink and himself when he's met with the same situation and enacts the very violence he swore to protect his brother from. to frame that as good because dream is written to be good is crazy”
This is why I literally chose to ignore the fight exists because Ink and Dream are way too compatible as friends to be dumbed down in a stupidly written fight for Dream to get goody points.
#undertale#undertaleau#undertale multiverse#dream sans#ink sans#star sanses#cooling rosa analysis time#hot take#I hate the fight#Undertale multiverse analysis
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God, I want to make a fanfic where you kill (accidentally or not) Jimmy after you find out that he assaulted Anya and the crash doesn’t happen but now you have to deal with the consequences.
Even if you do the “morally right” thing everyone’s gonna hate you (they won’t say it but they’ll think it).
With the way Pony Express operates I think Curly will have to severely punish you. Either A. Lock you up in a secluded space for the rest of 8 months or B. Kill you, as per policy because you’re mentally unstable and at risk of harming the rest of the crew.
Besides the mental strain that’ll be on just you for the next few months, everyone else has to bear the consequences as well.
(Elaboration under the cut)
Explaining the situation to the company and cops is going to be hell for Anya, because when you explain that you did it on Anya’s behalf they’re immediately going to assume that she may have been an accomplice/and or orchestrated the attack. Not even that but you’ll permanently stain her already half-baked resume since this can be seen as her being an ineffective healthcare provider since she’d clearly misjudged your mental state during psyche evals.
What’s worse is that Curly might not get that promotion because of you since he failed, as Captain, to settle the dispute. Not only did you kill his long term friend but you ruined his life and now he has to deal with keeping everyone calm and Jimmy’s rotting body on the ship.
Daisuke? Considering you’re probably the closest to him out of everyone in the crew because of his friendly personality he’s going to feel so betrayed on top of stressed from living in the environment you created for the next few months. Again, rotting body. Next, everyone’s going to have to decide on how to collectively come up with a solid strategy to get out of this somewhat or completely scot free WHILE continuing to perform their usual tasks on the Tulpar.
Swansea’s probably furious right off the bat. Not just because he already know’s there’s going to be so much work when you all get to your destination (too which he will simultaneously be unemployed), but because he thought you were better than this. Jimmy’s an asshole and rapist, but you? Adding to their troubles of already being laid off and traumatizing them at the same time just because you felt like playing hero? You’re almost just as bad as Jimmy.
Of course they didn’t know how things would play out if they kept Jimmy alive, but is this really any better?
They’re filled with impending doom, they need to keep the smelly, rotting crime scene untouched to prove their innocence, and worst of all they probably still have to take care of you, if you’re alive, AND take over your tasks for your role on the ship as well as Jimmy’s.
Inspiration + Reflection:
Tbh I feel like this is a good reflection of how society treats heros. I remember hearing about this dude who had his daughter SA’d and out of pure rage he killed her abuser, and upon realizing that he was going to jail he went on a spree to kill as many predators and rapists as he could.
That man will never see freedom again but he saved countless young girls and women from being taken advantage of.
It’s also interesting to think about the families and friends of the predators and rapists. Did they even know about what their friend, brother, or husband was up to? Do they comprehend the sheer capacity for cruelty at which this person they trusted operates themselves at? And are they sad to see them go? Are they mad at the person who took them away? Are they willing to accept the fact that they were a bad person or do they desperately cling to the memory of them when they were ‘good’?
I’d really like to explore these topics with multiple endings. Writing a whole fanfic is hard man- I’d rather just get to the important stuff, I’m sorry 😭
Speaking of, I have a couple in mind.
Endings:
Estimated reader satisfaction: # / 5
Bad Ending: -1 - 0 / 5
Everyone dies under the pressure of it all.
Mini Bad Ending: 0.5 - 1 /5
Curly kills you.
Neutral ending#1: 1/5
You live, everyone’s alive (except for Jimmy, duh), all of the expected consequences occur, you’re in jail, you all go your separate ways and struggle like hell. (The most realistic ending.)
Neutral ending#2: 3/5
You only kill yourself. Everyone else is proven innocent and gets to live a somewhat “normal” life, but is forever haunted by your sacrifice.
Good: 5/5
Pony Express is sued, and you all (well… maybe except for you) are awarded a shit ton of money in compensation. You all live happily ever after (you’re actually in jail but the others can easily bail you out). <- Very unlikely, kinda vanilla if you ask me, but fix-it AUs do go hard tho, I just wouldn’t write it myself.
Side notes: Did I remind you that Anya’s pregnant this entire time? Also, this can serve as justification for Curly for his ‘inaction’. If this were him instead of you it might be two times-ish harder on him to be honest.
#mouthwashing#mouthwashing AU#I wrote this yesterday when I was about to go to sleep#I know I already wrote down my inspo but tbh it was kinda for the sake of catharsis#I get really#unreasonably protective of my friends#I can’t do a ton physically for all of them because they’re online but part of me says that if I could I’d kill for them#<- hahahahahjeanfiueh very unhealthy#Maybe this is just a reminder that murder is bad and all#yeap
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Carry the Burden
read on ao3 or below. 7.6k, tags: emotional hurt/comfort, mentions of past abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, depression, mentions of suicide, mentions of vomiting, love, care, no major character death
Summary:
With Buck, Tommy was an open book... mostly. There was one particular, very important chapter that he kept closed. He didn't bring up his childhood. Didn't mention his parents much. That was a part of his life no one but he and his therapist needed to know about. But a surprise visit from his father changes all that, and sends Tommy spiraling down a path he'd fought so hard to shun away.
They were on the couch, Buck laid out with his head on the arm rest and legs sprawled over Tommy's lap. Tommy had his own legs crossed and stretched out on the coffee table. Buck barely registered Tommy's phone buzzing as he reached and pulled it out of his pocket.
“Hm. Dad's in town.”
Tommy had been so nonchalant with his words that Buck was pretty sure he heard him wrong.
“What?” He asked as Tommy laid the phone beside him.
“My dad's here, apparently.” He didn't even look away from the TV as he spoke, keeping his focus on the basketball game.
They'd been sitting there for nearly half an hour now, Tommy watching the game while Buck did a deep dive on the history of mummification. It wasn't his first time researching the subject, but it was always good to get a refresher.
“Are you... are you going to see him?” Buck asked.
Tommy was an open book with Buck, mostly. It helped that Buck was always more than willing to share stories from his own past.
Tommy would talk about how he was a chubby kid growing up and got made fun of a lot for it. How he took up wrestling in high school. How he joined the military at seventeen, mostly to show his classmates just how strong he was. He'd go into detail about the missions he completed in the army, and the way it impacted his life to this day. He didn't shy away from who he was when he first became a firefighter. How he followed along with Gerrard because it was the easy thing to do. He made no excuses for himself.
Tommy talked about part of him wanting to stay at the 118 once Bobby came, but his past loomed over him like a dark cloud and, even though Hen and Chimney forgave him long ago, every time he walked into the station he was reminded of who he was and not who he wanted to be.
He talked about his first few weeks in therapy. How he went through three therapists before he found one he liked. How hard it was to come to terms with so many aspects of his life.
He still went to therapy, once a week, always on a Tuesday. That was one of his regular days off, and Buck knew there would always be a couple hours of radio silence from him then.
There was one aspect of his life that Tommy never really discussed in detail.
His parents.
It wasn't that he never mentioned them. Buck knew that his dad was not a good man, and that his mom died when he was young, but that's all Tommy had ever really said.
The scoff Tommy let out at Buck's question told him all he needed to know. “No, I- I will not be seeing him.”
Buck pushed himself up into a sitting position, bending his knees close to his chest. “How'd you find out he was in town?”
Tommy didn't have siblings. Didn't really have any extended family. None he was in regular contact with anyway.
“He texted me,” Tommy answered simply.
“I didn't even know he had your number.”
“Oh, he has it,” Tommy managed to look over at Buck and give him a grin that didn't quite reach the eyes, “he just rarely uses it.”
“But he is now?”
“Apparently.” Tommy turned back to the game, but Buck reached over and squeezed his forearm, regaining his attention.
“Hey, Tommy, use your words. I've never heard you mention your dad calling or texting you, but he suddenly is now? Is there a reason?”
Tommy sighed. He reached for his phone, unlocking it before handing it over to Buck. “That's all it says. He's not a man of many words,” he said, before mumbling out, “or many good words, at least.”
Buck read over the text:
In town. Let's talk. Stuff to figure out.
He handed Tommy his phone. “Are you gonna answer him, at least?”
Tommy shook his head. “No, I am not.”
“Aren't you a little curious...”
Buck's voice trailed off as Tommy reached for Buck's hand, gently tugging Buck towards him. Buck maneuvered himself until he was curled into Tommy's side, his head resting just below Tommy's shoulder. Tommy wrapped his arm around Buck, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I appreciate the concern,” he spoke quietly, “but this,” he added, lifting his phone, “is not happening.”
Buck understood issues with parents. He'd told that to Tommy so many times before. He'd gone over his life story time and time again, and Tommy always listened with the utmost care and consideration. He always seemed so happy for Buck too. Happy that he was able to, for the most part, work things out with his parents. They may not be on the best terms, and they'd probably never be what others considered a “close” family, but they were better. And that was good enough.
Still, Buck could tell that Tommy was done with the conversation, so he let it go.
“How much longer until the game is over?” he asked, changing the topic for Tommy's sake.
Tommy let out a laugh, shaking Buck slightly. “About ten minutes.”
Buck closed his eyes, settling further into Tommy's side, “Wake me up when it's over.”
*****
They'd been together six months now, had exchanged keys a couple months in, but Buck still felt a thrill every time he walked into Tommy's place knowing Tommy wouldn't actually be there yet.
Something about it just felt so domestic. And Buck loved that feeling.
They'd already discussed moving in together. If they both had a night off, they were never apart, instead switching between each place depending on what errands they had planned for the next day.
Buck had another two months to go on his lease, so they decided to hold out on actually moving in together until then. There was no reason to deny him getting his security deposit back, or being forced to pay rent for an apartment he was no longer living in.
Still, Buck preferred Tommy's house. It was an older place, and not very big, but it had a nice garage for working out and a good kitchen that Buck enjoyed cooking in.
Which was why he came to Tommy's today. Tommy was working, but he'd be off by six, and Buck wanted to have a good dinner ready for him to come home to. Bobby had given him a recipe for something called Marry Me Chicken, and well, who was Buck kidding, that was the ultimate goal.
They would be the first to admit they were a bit unconventional. Besides swapping keys two months into their relationship, they had discussed whether or not children were in their future on date number four.
Tommy never really let go of the fact Buck invited him to his sister's wedding after one failed date.
They had sex on Buck's balcony before they had it in his bed.
They said I love you for the first time in month three, when Buck was deathly ill with a stomach bug and somehow got vomit in his hair. Tommy got him in the shower, letting Buck rest all of his body weight on him as he cleaned him up. Wrapped in Tommy's arms, head resting on his chest, eyes closed as water and soap flowed down his body, and the taste of throw up still on his tongue no matter how many times he brushed and used mouthwash, he uttered out an “I love you” to Tommy. He didn't even care if Tommy said it back, but Tommy did. He pressed a kiss to Buck's temple, dragging a wash cloth down his back, and said, “I love you too, Evan. So much.” That wasn't just the day Buck knew he loved Tommy, it was the day he knew he wanted to marry Tommy.
And, no, the chicken wasn't going to be a proposal. That wouldn't be happening until after they had officially lived together for a while- which had been a discussion during date number six.
But the name of the recipe, the words��marry me, made Buck feel soft in a way that almost felt ridiculous, especially since it was literally just a recipe for chicken breast.
Buck had just placed the chicken in the oven when there was a knock on the door.
He rolled his eyes. Tommy often came home with his hands full, opting to carry most of his items separately instead of placing them in his duffel.
“One of these days I'm not gonna answer,” Buck called out as he neared the door, “just to teach you a le- Oh.”
The words died out on his tongue when he was met at the door by an older man that was very much not Tommy.
This man had thirty or so years on Buck, and was a few inches taller too. He was broad- really broad. Like Tommy, but on steroids.
“Uh, sorry, I- I thought you were someone else,” Buck began after he collected himself. “Can I help you?”
“Is this Thomas Kinard's place?” The man's voice was gruff. The kind of voice you get after smoking a pack a day for years on end.
“It is.”
“You're not him.”
“I'm not.”
“Where is he?”
Well, this conversation was going swimmingly!
“I- I'm sorry, who... are you?”
“Right,” the man held out his hand, although the scowl on his face remained. “Charles Kinard.”
Buck couldn't hide the surprise on his face after hearing the name. He shook Charles' hand, which held on a bit too tightly. “Oh! Oh, you're Tommy's dad.”
“'S'what it says on the birth certificate.”
Once Charles let go, Buck moved out of the way, allowing him to come inside. “Come in. Sorry, I was, um, not expecting anyone. I'm Evan Buckley, um, Buck, by the way. Sorry.”
“You apologize a lot,” Charles noted as he walked farther into the house, eyes drifting around the place.
“Yeah, I- I know. Sor- uh, Tommy should be home pretty soon. He's been working. Was he... Did he know you were coming?”
He cringed at the question, knowing it was an odd thing to ask. He was still trying to catch up with what was going on. Tommy hadn't mentioned his father since three days ago, when he got the text he never answered. Maybe he had ended up answering and just never said anything to Buck, but that wasn't like Tommy.
“Not really,” Charles answered, finally turning to face Buck. “Who are you?” he asked, eying Buck up and down. Buck wasn't really sure if Charles was looking at him, or his apron, which he now remembered said, 'I like my meat rubbed, jerked, and pulled!'
Buck untied the apron and unceremoniously pulled it off of him, crumpling it up in his hand. He realized in that moment that he had no idea what Tommy's dad actually knew, or didn't know, about him. “I'm his friend,” he settled on, “from work.”
“You work together?”
Buck nodded. “Sort of. Different stations, but, yeah, um, yes we're both firefighters.”
“Mm.”
“Uh, why don't you have a seat,” Buck suggested, motioning toward the living room as he stepped closer to Charles. “Tommy won't be too much longer now.”
Charles moseyed into the living room, glancing around at the décor before taking a seat on the couch. “You come over and cook for your friend while he works?” Charles asked as Buck returned to the kitchen.
He wanted to text Tommy, or call him, and let him know what was happening, but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't exactly talk about his dad while he was right in front of him, and Tommy wouldn't check a text when he was driving.
“I, uh, I like to cook,” Buck started, trying to think of an explanation that didn't sound too ridiculous. “And he's got a good kitchen, so I come over, um, sometimes to cook. I- I pay with food.” God, he was an idiot.
Another grunt like sound came from Charles, and Buck was about ninety percent sure he didn't buy it.
Buck wasn't sure how to communicate with the man. He was usually pretty good about stuff like this. He could make up random things to talk about with anyone, whether they wanted to hear it or not. But this was his boyfriend's father who didn't know for sure that Buck was Tommy's boyfriend, and all the questions that were coming to Buck's mind were only questions a significant other would ask their partner's parents.
“So, Mr. Kinard,” Buck began, beginning to slice a cucumber. He wasn't even planning on using a cucumber for anything tonight, but he needed something to do.
“Charles.”
“Charles, um, what... are you visiting LA?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh, good. That's... that's good. I'm sure Tommy will be happy to see you.”
Yet another grunt. This one almost sounded like a snort. Buck leaned over slightly to get a look at the man, who was staring straight ahead, eyes fixed on the turned off TV in front of him.
“You should stay for dinner,” Buck suggested, hating himself as the words left his mouth. “There's gonna plenty.” That was true. He always made enough for leftovers.
“Okay.”
This truly was a man of few words.
Buck was just about to tell him he could turn on the TV and watch something when he heard the sound of keys jiggling in the doorknob.
The door opened before Buck could get to it.
“Oh my God, Evan, what smells so good? I could smell it from outside,” Tommy said, walking inside. Buck met him at the entryway.
“Just chicken. Um, Tommy-”
Tommy dropped his duffel at the door, “I even put my stuff in it this time,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows as he grabbed at Buck's shirt to pull him in for a kiss. Usually, Buck would've been thrilled. Told him it was about damn time and asked if he could take a picture to remember this moment forever.
Instead, he quickly pulled away from the kiss and unwrapped himself from Tommy's touch.
“We have a visitor, Tommy,” Buck said when he was met with a confused face. “You do, I mean.”
“I was wondering who's car was out front,” Tommy replied. “Figured the neighbors were having another party or something.”
“No, um, it's...” Buck's voice trailed off. He could tell Charles was somewhere behind him now. Could see that Tommy's eyes trailed from looking at him to looking at his father. Whatever was left of the smile on his face disappeared, his skin paling.
Part of Buck wished he could disappear. Just melt into the floor and turn into a puddle of goo.
The other part of him had the urge to stand between the two men forever, making sure Tommy was protected from whatever pain his father had obviously caused him.
Buck had never seen the look on Tommy's face before. It looked like fear and sadness, mixed with rage.
“What are you doing here?” Tommy asked as Buck stepped to the side to get out of the way.
“Well, hello to you too, TJ.”
TJ? That was new.
“Don't call me that. What are you doing here? How'd you find my house?”
The problem with where Buck was standing, was that he couldn't move toward the kitchen without walking directly in front of the two men, and he wasn't sure this was a good moment to move.
“I'm not an idiot. You own the place, I looked it up. I texted you when I got to town.”
“I know you did.” Tommy shrugged off his jacket, dropping it on top of his duffel bag. “Thought you'd get the hint when I didn't answer.”
“You know how I am with subtleties.”
“Not answering a single one of your texts for three years is not exactly subtle, Dad.”
Buck could not do this any longer. He could feel Charles' eyes on him and, if he was going to be Tommy's friend, he couldn't exactly go into protective-boyfriend mode.
“I'm gonna,” he pointed toward the kitchen, “just go over there.”
Tommy waited for Buck to be out of the room before continuing. “You need to go,” he said, staring his father dead in the eyes.
“Hm. Thought you wanted to know what I was doing here?”
“Decided I don't care.”
Charles smiled. It didn't reach his eyes the way Tommy's did. There were no laughter lines, no scrunched up nose. Just a meaningless smile. “You're lookin' good, TJ. Lower BMI than the last time I saw you. That's good.”
Buck wasn't sure if he was hearing things correctly. Who says that to their kid after not seeing them for years?
“And you're looking me in the eyes. You always struggled with that before.”
“It's easier now that I'm too big for you to hit.”
Buck sucked in a breath. It was impossible to not overhear the conversation. With the open floor plan, Buck could still see Charles, although he didn't have a view of Tommy.
Charles laughed. A deep, guttural laugh that made Buck feel uneasy. “You're never too big for that, T-”
“You need to go. Now.”
“Hang on a minute,” Charles said, waving Tommy off. “I gotta talk to you about my will.”
“I don't give a damn about your will.”
“I've got fifty acres of land in Colorado, TJ. Been in the family for generations.”
“You've got a double wide trailer on that dump of land and couldn't get rid of it if you tried. I don't want it.”
Buck could hear shuffling, so he quickly picked up a knife to make it look like he'd been chopping away at that same cucumber from earlier.
Tommy entered the kitchen, washing his hands at the sink before turning to Buck. “Need help with anything, Ev?”
“N- No, um, no, I'm good.”
“I'm not getting any younger, TJ.”
Tommy placed a hand on Buck's lower back. It was as though it was an anchor for him. Something to keep him steady.
He glared over at his dad. “You're still here?”
“Don't be dumb, Thomas. I'm not leaving until we talk about this. Besides, your friend here invited me for dinner.”
The hand on Buck's back stiffened, before being removed completely. He turned his head toward Buck. “You did?”
“I- I thought you two might, um, might want to catch up.”
He hoped Tommy could read between the lines. Hoped he understood what Buck was really trying to say.
“I felt like I had no other choice. This was really awkward, even for me, and I panicked. Please, don't hate me.”
“That's kind of you, Evan,” Tommy replied, his attention returning to his father, “but we don't have anything to catch up on.”
“Hey! Don't stand there acting like I'm the problem,” Charles said, crossing the room in three steps. Buck could feel Tommy stiffen beside him. “You're the one who left, not me! I've been the one contacting you. You can act like I'm a terrible father all you want, but I'm the one that helped you be something!”
“You didn't help me! I ran from you! I was seventeen years old, Dad, joining the army to get away from you!”
Buck wanted to say something. Wanted to kick the man out of the house, or at least hold up his bowl of finely chopped cucumber and ask if anyone wanted a bite.
But, this wasn't his house. Not yet, anyway. And, somehow, he felt responsible for this whole debacle. He couldn't stop thinking about how he should have done things differently. He shouldn't have let Charles in the house. Shouldn't have attempted to make conversation. Shouldn't have invited him to stay for dinner. Should have figured out a way to call and warn Tommy. Should have texted him anyway; maybe he would have read it before getting out of his truck.
“You know, I really should have known better,” Charles said, shaking his head. “Should have known you wouldn't want to help your old man out.”
“Help you out?” Tommy asked, exasperated. “I have done nothing but help you out for years! I bailed you out of jail three times. I paid your gambling debts for you. I took a second mortgage out on my home so I could pay your back taxes! If I didn't stop answering your messages, I'd be living on the streets! And now you want to come talk about a will? On property that you've nearly foreclosed on twice? I'm surprised you even have that place any-” he stopped mid sentence. Buck glanced over at him, worried something had happened.
“You're about to lose the property, aren't you?” Tommy asked. That made much more sense.
“Now, just listen-”
“You're really here to have me buy the property, and give you the money, so you can go blow it on booze and steroids and hookers and whatever else you feel like.”
“This is what family does, TJ,” Charles said, pointing at Tommy as he eyed him down. “They help each other when they're in need.”
“When have you ever helped me, Dad?” Tommy asked. His voice was different now. Resigned, almost. “Never.”
“I don't need to stand here and listen to these lies in front of your friend!”
Tommy scoffed. “I think you know he's more than a friend.”
“Yeah, I do know. He's been bumbling like an idiot since I got here.”
Buck could feel his face turning red. He wasn't embarrassed by Charles' words, more surprised by the man's lack of filter.
“Get out.” Tommy demanded. “Now!”
Charles moved even closer, a tight fist placed on the countertop of the island. “You owe me!” he spit out through gritted teeth. “The embarrassment you have caused me. Being the way you are, having to answer questions from my friends! I have been trying to knock sense into you for years!”
“Maybe I was too busy lying to doctors in the hospital for the sense to really get knocked in there!”
“Pathetic,” Charles said, before mumbling out, “like your mother.”
“Get out.” It was Buck's voice this time. It no longer mattered to him that this wasn't his home. He didn't care if he was overstepping. Tommy could be mad if he wanted.
For as little as Buck knew about Tommy's family, he did see the way Tommy's eyes got red and glassy when he mentioned his mom. How he'd clear his throat and say she was a good woman, a great mom, gone too soon. From what he'd pieced together on his own, it was a suicide.
Tommy had never said as much, but he came to Buck's after a particularly bad shift. Buck hadn't even been expecting him. He showed up at the door, eyes blank, mind somewhere far away. He'd even forgotten he had a key of his own.
He'd curled into Buck the second the door opened, arms tight around Buck's waist and head turned into the crook of his neck.
Buck squeezed him back just as tight. Asked if he was okay, accepted the silence in return. They stayed there for a while, until Buck was finally able to convince Tommy to move to the couch.
Tommy snuggled up to Buck's side the second they sat down. He laid his head on Buck's chest, one arm curled between them and the other resting over Buck's stomach. They'd rested like this before, but this was the first time Buck ever thought that Tommy looked small. Not physically, obviously, but the way he acted was like a child in desperate need of comfort.
So that's what Buck did.
It was the longest thirty minutes of silence before Tommy spoke. “I worked the ground today,” he explained through a shaky voice, making no effort to move off of Buck. “We were short-staffed. There was a call. A kid found... he found his mom. She was in the bathtub. She was already,” he swallowed down a sob, “she was gone already. He was freaking out. I waited un- until his dad got there to be with him.”
“That's terrible, Tommy,” Buck said, running a soothing hand up and down Tommy's bicep.
“It just... it reminded me-” he cut himself off, took a deep breath, “I like being in the air.”
Buck wasn't dumb. He could put together a puzzle that was missing half its pieces. He knew better than to press the issue. Knew what Tommy needed right now was simply to be held.
So he held him.
He held him until Tommy's breaths evened out and the sun had long set.
And now, with Charles in front of him, it was all Buck could think about. That moment replaying in his mind as Tommy's father spewed venom from across the counter.
“If you're not out of here in ten seconds, I'll call the police for trespassing, and you seem like the type who has warrants waiting for them.”
Charles opened his mouth to speak, but Buck grabbed for the phone in his pocket.
The older man held his hands up in surrender and, without another word, turned and left the house.
There were a few beats of silence before Buck spoke. “Tommy, I-”
“I need to go for a walk.” Tommy's voice was stoic.
Buck didn't like that. He followed behind Tommy as he headed for the door. “Do you want me to come with you?” he asked.
Tommy picked up his jacket and slipped it on. “No, I'm fine.”
“Tommy, I don't-”
Tommy stopped in the open doorway, hand still on the knob but halfway out the door already. “Evan, I'm fine,” he repeated. His voice wavered this time. Only slightly, but enough for Buck to catch it. “I just need a minute.”
Buck nodded, pursing his lips together. “Yeah, okay.”
He stood there long after the door had closed.
*****
A cool breeze filled the air as Tommy walked down his street. He stuck his hands in his jacket pockets as a chill came over him.
He was tense. He kept trying to make sense of the thoughts in his head, but everything felt all jumbled.
He'd been doing so well. Therapy had helped him work through so many of the issues he had with his dad. Had helped him cut off contact. He stopped enabling the man and set himself free of him.
The only reason he didn't block his dad's number was because he knew, one day, a police officer or one of his dad's deadbeat friends would be calling to say he was dead. Even if he cared nothing for the man, he'd still like to know when it was all over.
There were times Tommy would sit and think about the things he'd say if he ever came face to face with his dad again. He had a list. All the ways his dad had screwed him over throughout his entire life.
And then the one time he actually did come face to face with the man after all these years, he didn't say a single damn thing he'd written down.
He knew he'd never get the chance again.
Knew his dad wouldn't really care anyway. He never cared about the pain he caused, even when Tommy was a little kid.
His jaw tensed. He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. He didn't want to cry anyway. He wanted to be mad.
That's what his dad always got angry at him for. Tommy would get upset, and he'd cry. His dad would yell, and he'd cry. His dad would hit him, he'd cry. His dad would hit him harder because he was crying, he'd cry even more.
Kids at school would make fun of his weight.
His dad would make him run laps until he'd puke.
He'd avoid eye contact to try and not be noticed.
He'd cry.
He'd cry.
He'd cry.
Not now though. Now he could hold it in. He finally learned that as a teenager. Perfected it over time. His therapist helped him with that too; taught him not to hold in his emotions. For the most part, he didn't anymore, he'd let himself feel whatever he was feeling. Right now he needed to control something, and this was the something he could control.
So he didn't cry.
But he let himself be mad.
Because he was so damn mad.
Mad at himself.
Mad at his dad.
Mad at him showing up to his house, invading his safe space, a space that had been free and clear of the trauma of his youth.
Now, every time he'd step in that house he'd see his dad there.
He hated that.
As much as he hated to admit it, a part of him was mad at Buck too.
No, mad wasn't the right word.
Envious, maybe.
Every time Buck talked about his parents, a twinge of envy sparked inside of Tommy. He knew it was stupid. He didn't even particularly like Buck's parents. He definitely didn't like who they used to be, how they used to treat their son.
But, to their credit, they had been trying now.
And that's where the envy came in.
Because Buck's parents went to therapy with him. They started showing up, being there for their kids, through good and bad, even when they weren't comfortable.
And yeah, they were a little late, and not all wounds ever completely heal. There were still problems, and they were always a bit on edge when Tommy was around, but they were there.
They still put on a smile for Buck, however forced, and corrected themselves when they called him Evan.
They'd never hit their kids. Sure, they were a little too busy ignoring them, but Maddie and Buck never had to be afraid of their parents.
“We were invisible,” Buck had told him once.
Tommy didn't say it, he'd never speak the words out loud, because he knew how much being invisible hurt Buck. But, the first thing Tommy thought when he heard that was I wish I could've been invisible too.
Even thinking something like that made Tommy feel like a bad person. Actually, he often felt like a bad person. A terrible, terrible person who was so undeserving of any forgiveness, happiness, and love. He'd think about who he became in the military. Closed off, angry, ruthless at times. He'd killed people. He didn't think about it. Just dropped the bomb on whatever target he'd been told to hit. They were just targets. Living, breathing targets. He'd hear reports of kids getting hit with missiles, innocent casualties who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But that was war, and you didn't get emotional with war. Until you got home and you had to reason with who you'd become.
Then he'd think of who he became when he got hired as a firefighter. More closed off, angrier, trying to make up for what he'd done by saving lives instead of taking them. But, no matter how many saves he got, it didn't make up for the kills. And you could get close to people, but you'd probably lose them just like you did in the military, so why have a friend if they're just gonna die anyway?
Plus, there was Gerrard. Gerrard, who was so much like his dad in so many ways. A crass bastard who didn't care who he offended or how he mistreated people. Tears were a weakness, emotions were a weakness, and Tommy was tired of people thinking he was weak. So, he made sure he wasn't.
The difference between his dad and Gerrard was that, if you fit in with Gerrard, he wouldn't bother you as much.
His dad bothered him regardless.
Tommy was not a good person when he had Gerrard as a boss. At first, he blamed Gerrard. Healing came when he took responsibility for himself.
Even with the healing; with leaving the 118 and starting over. With getting therapy and changing his mindset and forgiving himself, there were times when he felt like the biggest fraud in the world. Because he may have forgiven himself, but he didn't deserve the forgiveness of the people around him.
He didn't deserve the friendship of Howie or Hen. He didn't deserve Eddie, who was always excited to hang out. He didn't deserve weekly dinners with Bobby and Athena, who would ask him about his week and listen to his stories. He didn't deserve Maddie, who was ready and waiting to watch The Bachelor each week with wine and a cheeseboard.
He definitely didn't deserve Evan.
Evan.
Who was always there, no matter what. Wore his heart on his sleeve, would do anything for anyone, Evan.
Evan, who was a soft kiss after a hard day. Who's body fit with Tommy's like two puzzle pieces that were finally placed together. Stubborn, smart, bold, unafraid, open, honest, loving, kind, adorable, Evan.
He'd talked to his therapist about it one day. Things were going too well, his life felt too good, and that nagging voice drudged its way up from the back of his mind to repeat over and over you don't deserve it, you don't deserve it, you don't deserve it.
Then his therapist asked him a simple question. “When you hear the voice, is it your voice, or is it your father?”
After thinking about it for a while, Tommy answered, “A morphing of the two. Starts as him, ends as me.”
A nod. “Let's dissect that.”
They did.
It sucked.
But it helped too. It didn't make the feeling go away, but it did help him recognize that what he was feeling didn't just stem from the choices he made as an adult, it started all the way back when he was a child. When he was told, time and time again, how he didn't deserve good things.
Oftentimes, Tommy felt like his mind was a cruel joke that liked to play, well, mind games on him. As soon as he'd push through his feelings of being undeserving, his brain would laugh and tell him he was pitying himself. Making himself the victim when, in the majority of the things he did as an adult, he was in fact not the victim. This would, in turn, make him feel undeserving of feeling undeserving.
“My mind is a very screwy place,” he said on a particularly grouchy day at therapy. “Truly can't believe they let me fly an aircraft.”
“It sounds kind of like you're torturing yourself for not being perfect.”
“I feel like the more I try to learn and grow from my past, to- to move on from it, it throws itself right back up in my face. I try. I really, really try to let it go, but I can't.”
“I know it's a sensitive topic for you, Tommy, but-”
“No.” Tommy knew where this was going. “No, it's not that.”
A sigh. “Tommy, how old are you?”
He was not in the mood for this today. “Forty-one.”
“And how old was your mother when she passed?”
“Forty-two.”
“I know you've mentioned before how she held onto her guilt. She felt hopeless. Worthless. Let it eat away at her. Your words.”
“I'm not like that. I'm not... I wouldn't do that. I don't feel that way.”
“I'm not saying that you do. I'm saying, sometimes, the reason we feel certain ways stems from our parents, grandparents, etcetera.”
Tommy uncrossed his legs, picked at a string hanging from his jeans. “Can we change the subject? Evan and I have a date tonight and I don't wanna be bitchy when I pick him up.”
*****
Tommy continued down the sidewalk, the only light from the street lamps above him. Occasionally, he'd hear a dog bark or a bird chirp but it was mostly quiet.
He was a couple miles from home now. He knew he should be heading back. His anger had mostly died down to something else by now. Something he couldn't really explain.
Emptiness, maybe?
Yet another word he'd used to describe his mother before.
But, he wasn't like her. He could always get out of bed. He didn't have problems brushing his teeth. He didn't let himself go. He never lost his appetite. He never felt like downing an entire bottle of pills on a regular Sunday afternoon. Would never think of risking his future child walking in the room, excited to tell him about winning the little league game, and instead find him on the floor, long gone.
“I'm the complete opposite of her,” Tommy said at his next session, still annoyed from the previous week. “I don't call out of work, I take extra shifts, I always have something planned when I'm off. I'm in a stable relationship which, yeah, I've only been in for five months, but it's been the best five months of my life. I manage everything fine. Sometimes my mind is just a dick to me.”
“Depression is different for everyone,” his apparently all knowing therapist replied. “Some people have all the symptoms, some have a few, none are exactly alike. There's levels to it, different kinds.”
Tommy slumped back on the couch, sighing as he stared out the window. “Well, that really sucks.”
He tried to be open with Evan. He'd told him so much about his life, about who he was. Evan knew everything about Tommy's time in the military. He knew what Tommy was like when he worked under Gerrard. He knew all the ways Tommy had struggled with himself and his sexuality. He knew all the bad parts, and he loved him anyway.
“I've made so many versions of myself, Tommy,” Buck told him one day, “I think I lost count at 5.0. They're all still me though. I wouldn't be here if I was never there, and I really, really like being here. Sometimes the crappy stuff makes you better in the end.”
Maybe it wasn't as well spoken as something his therapist would have said, but Tommy understood. No matter what, Evan wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't scared off by Tommy. Didn't judge him. He loved him. They loved each other.
Still, as Tommy walked the desolate street, he couldn't help the new voice inside his head. This one was his alone. It was telling him that, as open as he'd been, he'd still closed off a huge part of his life to Evan. It wasn't even necessarily intentional, it was just easier. Easier to avoid the topic altogether. However, it wasn't exactly fair.
He could hear his therapist in his mind, asking him the questions. “Why do you think you've closed that part of yourself off to Buck?”
He'd answer, “I don't exactly like revisiting the subject.”
“Do you not trust him with that part of your life?”
“Of course I do! I trust him with every part of my life.”
“Then why don't you tell him?”
“Because...”
“Because?”
Tommy would feel like pulling out his hair at this point. “Because I have spent so many years letting those parts of me go!”
“Have you really let them go? Unless you hit your head and get amnesia, is that even possible? Wouldn't it be easier if you let your partner help carry the burden when it gets hard for you?”
“He doesn't need to carry my burdens.”
“Don't you help carry his?”
On the street, Tommy stopped in his tracks. He groaned, staring up at the sky as if his therapist was some ethereal being. “I hate you,” he mumbled, before turning around and heading back home.
*****
He opened the door expecting to be hit with the ghost of his father standing there just hours earlier. Instead, he was met with the sight of Evan. Straight ahead at the kitchen table. He plopped his phone down on the table and stared up at Tommy, eyes wide and wet.
“Hi,” Buck said softly. He eyed Tommy carefully, trying to gauge the mood.
Tommy let out a shaky breath. “Hi,” he replied, shrugging off his jacket and, once again, placing it on top of the duffel that hadn't moved.
“I was worried about you. You didn't take your phone and I- you were gone a long time.”
“I'm sorry. I didn't realize.” He really hadn't. He forgot he had ever put it in his duffel in the first place, usually opting to keep it in his pocket the majority of the time.
“S'okay.”
Tommy walked over to the table, pulled out the chair next to Buck, and sat down.
“I'm sorry, Evan,” Tommy repeated, for a different reason this time. “I shouldn't have left like that.”
“You don't need to be sorry.” Buck sat up straighter, splaying his hands out on the table. “I'm sorry. I had no idea your dad was like that. If I did, I never would have let him in your house.”
“Our house,” Tommy corrected. “Soon enough, anyway. You don't need to be sorry either. You didn't do anything wrong.”
Buck smiled at him, turning one hand up for Tommy to take. “Can neither of us be sorry instead then?”
Tommy held onto it, Buck's touch relaxing him in the way it always did. “Sounds good to me.”
“Are you hungry? I left the food in the oven on warm, just in case.”
Tommy nodded. “Yeah, I am actually. I'll get it though, you relax.” He squeezed Buck's hand as he got up. Before walking away, he leaned down, pressing a kiss to Buck's temple. When he began to pull away, Buck held onto his shirt, turning his head and giving him a real kiss. He moved his hands up to Tommy's face, stroking his thumbs along his cheeks as he did his best to project all his love into the kiss.
Tommy looked dazed as they parted. “I think I need to go on walks more often.”
Buck rolled his eyes, swatting at Tommy's butt as he walked off. “Ass.”
“And you love it.”
“I suppose I do.”
“So, what'd you make?” Tommy asked, putting on some oven mitts before pulling the dish out of the oven.
“You're, uh, not allowed to laugh at the name. It's a recipe I got from Bobby, but he got it from the internet or something.”
“Oh God, did you make that goat in the boat dish again?”
“It was toad in the hole, and you loved it!”
“Mm,” Tommy hummed. He got out a couple plates and started plating the food. “What's it called?” he asked again.
“It's... It's called, um, it's Marry Me Chicken.”
After a beat of silence, Buck looked over to see Tommy staring at him, an eyebrow raised. “Evan Buckley, are you proposing to me over a chicken dish?”
Another eye roll. “Absolutely not.”
“You know the saying, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.”
“And all this time I thought it was through his ass.”
“Aye!”
Buck laughed, resting his chin on his hand as he watched Tommy finish up in the kitchen. “There's also some very finely chopped cucumber in the fridge if you'd like that as well, but it's not part of the dish.”
“Still a delightful addition to any meal,” Tommy replied, grabbing the bowl out of the fridge. He balanced it on his wrist before picking up the plates and bringing them to the table. “This looks amazing, Ev.”
“I hope it tastes good.”
“I'm sure it will.”
As Tommy and Buck both began to cut up their pieces of chicken, Tommy glanced over at his boyfriend. “So, um, tonight was... it was a lot.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“I wanted to...” Tommy's voice trailed off, unsure of how to articulate what he wanted to say. He put down his cutlery and focused on Buck. “I was thinking on my walk about how open you've always been, talking about your mom and dad. Even the hard stuff, the uncomfortable stuff, you share it all. I- I haven't done that with you, Evan. That's not fair to you.”
“I've never felt that way,” Buck assured him. “I understood.”
“Still, I- I've always shared everything with you, besides that. It's not even the worst parts of me, really. I know... I know that stuff, when I was a kid, I know none of that was my fault. I think part of me felt like if I ignored it forever, it would eventually go away.” He shook his head. “It doesn't go away.”
Once again, Buck held out a hand for Tommy to take, connecting them on top of the table. “I'm here. Whenever you're ready. Now. Ten years from now. Whenever.”
Ten years from now. Those words hit him hard. He could feel his heart swell.
They were forever. Evan was his forever.
He took a deep breath, his residual anxieties melting away. “There's a lot about my parents you don't know.”
“Practically everything,” Buck agreed.
Tommy let out a laugh. “Well, I'd like to change that,” he replied, sharing a soft smile with Buck.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “Because we don't have to right now, if you're not ready.”
“No, I'm ready,” he answered. He squeezed Buck's hand tighter. “There's a lot to talk about with my dad,” he started, grabbing up his fork with his free hand to pierce a piece of the chicken, “but I think I want to start with my mom. She was... She was a lot like me.”
Buck nodded, smiling gently. “I love her already.”
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The quiet sexual assault symbolism in Metal Lords.
[TW] Discussion of SA, SA aftermath, and SA symbolism.
Every time I've written about these scenes I've felt like I had to hold back. But fuck it, right? I was inspired by this ask to actually share a bit more of my thoughts on the topic.
I can't overstate that I don't think any of this was intentional. I don't believe the scene was ever supposed display any more explicit SA, I think it's all purely accidental. Which, if you ask me, tends to be where the best emotional representation happens.
There's two scenes that unintentionally mirror the typical portrayal of sexual assault and its emotional aftermath. The scene where Skip attacks Hunter, cutting a chunk of his hair off. And the following scene where Hunter shaves the side of his head in his bedroom.
How many times have we seen female characters cut their hair after an abusive relationship or after being assaulted? And how many of us, regardless of gender, have done the same? Hacking away at our hair with blunt scissors and tears in our eyes. Standing over the bathroom sink trying to somehow cut out the memory.
And we know the likely "why" to the typical post-trauma haircut. It's looking in the mirror and seeing something other than the person that endured the trauma. It's taking back control over our bodies.
Before the attack even happens, Hunter's been slowly losing the control that he at least thought he had. Control over himself, his surroundings, and not to mention: Kevin. Kevin's pursuit of Emily creates an important crack in Hunter's perception of their relationship. And is evidence of the lack of control he really has over it.
Everything about the attack screams accidental SA metaphor. He's ambushed by several guys, overpowered, "gagged." A piece of him is taken, only to be discarded. Because it was never about the thing that's taken, only that it's violently ripped away. And afterwards he's left writhing on the floor. Eyes wide in disbelief. Trying to process what just happened to him.
That scene in isolation already has this theme thoroughly woven into it, but I think it's really hammered home in the one that follows.
Of course, Kevin is there with him. The person he feels most comfortable around. The person he needs now more than ever.
Not only does Hunter directly call Skip's coach a rapist before lamenting that when Skip & his friends come back they'll "ass-rape" him. (Again, I don't think that's a literal accusation, but the fact that that's where his mind went in at the very least notable.)
More importantly: he blames himself.
Kevin justly points out that Hunter didn't "get them suspended." They got themselves suspended by attacking Hunter. But he pushes back. Pointing out that he flicked Skip in the face first.
Let's not let it slide how much of a batshit escalation Skip's actions are. Even if we take everything entirely at face value, Skip is fucking unhinged. As most bullies are.
The fact that Hunter flicked Skip in the face in no way justifies him literally hacking off a chuck of Hunter's hair. But the fact that Hunter tries to justify it as being his fault brings it that much closer to the SA symbolism. It's painfully common for us to assume we must have done something to warrant the abuse we face. That we made the fatal mistake that led to it all, rather than it being a decision made by our attackers.
Obviously, at face value, Hunter shaving the side of his head is a logical way to deal with a chunk of his hair being cut off. It's that or cutting all of his hair off. Part of me feels like that's what Skip would have been hoping for. So choosing the shaved side instead feels like a subtle(ish) "fuck you" in and of itself. It's Hunter reclaiming his hair.
It's also that step towards regaining control. It's destruction on Hunter's own terms. (cough see the fucking jacket post cough) (and for that matter my other haircut post)
It's removing Skips fingerprints in favor of the scratch-marks of Hunter's own nails. Because by fuck is the stinging those leave preferable over the dull aching memory of Skip's hands on him.
For a split second we see him realize even a sliver of the impact of it all. When he's no longer able to distract himself by focusing purely on the act of shaving his head, he can't ignore what's directly staring back at him. That he's not the same as he was anymore. He's a different Hunter from the one that woke up that morning. He's been defiled. Destroyed. Partly by his own hand. Which doesn't exactly dull the sting of it but it at least makes it his. At least he has ownership over his damage. At least some of it's on his terms.
Of course the thing he turns to to snap himself out of this is to seek Kevin's approval.
A plea, perhaps. Tell me I'm not as broken as I feel. Tell me I'm not completely destroyed. Tell me I'm going to come out the other end of this. Tell me you still love me.
(I'm aware this scene is played relatively lighthearted, and that I'm in fact insane. Water is also wet.)
I think that's all I have on this for now. Might add more later idk
#hunterposts#hunterwriteswords#cw sa mention#cw sa implied#tw sa mention#sa tw#sa mention#metal lords#hunter sylvester#skip hoffman#idk why it's “quiet” I just thought it sounded good tbh#metallords#character analysis
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Why do you care so much about Lily Orchard
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Actually getting this a little backwards. I took notice of Lily Orchard as an individual earlier this year, back in January to March, when she was listed amongst a series of trans creators that are unfairly scrutinized. As she was the only one who had a Tumblr at the time I began following her because I wanted to basically spite transphobes. I've come under fire myself for being trans in the past.
What I discovered in the months I followed her is that she had awful takes and was really dismissive and sometimes outright mean to her fans. I went to a live stream or two, and I watched a couple videos. I soon became critical of her, and decided to do some research. This lead me to Hiding in Private and Sai Scribbles. At the time, I was focused on Lily being a bad YouTuber, both in terms of content and how she treated her fans.
I knew that no one else was going to cover her video on the Coffin of Andy and Leyley because most people dismiss this gothic horror game as problematic and incestuous. As a fan of the genre and the game itself I decided to cover the video. Then as a spur of the moment decision at the end of that stream I decided to cover her latest Kingdom Hearts video as well. This would turn into a an edited video later on where I was very insistant on not focusing on Lily's actions and the allegations. I was mostly concerned with her rhetoric and behaviour as a YouTuber, because I had been wanting to talk about media analysis for a long time. As you can see from my coverage on MatPat, Anita Sarkiseen, Anthony Gramgulia, and iDubbbz. I think there is something fundamentaly flawed with the way the modern internet analyzes media. Each of these individuals has contributed negatively to this rhetoric in their own way, but where people like Anthony and iDubbbz and even Sarkiseen have tried to improve (and in Anthony's case a large reason for the majority of his writing that is worthy of criticism was how he was editorialized by the publications he worked for) Lily has always doubled down and gotten worse. Moreover my biggest issue with Lily right now is how she interacts with her fandom, which is unique to her. She has been publically very sexual towards them, she encourages anti-intellectualism, has a history of abuse, so yeah that definitely is a factor. My last two videos were less about her media analysis and more about how she interacts with her audience and the world around her. I think people like Lily are dangerous.
I don't hate everyone I cover. I'm friends with Anthony and I like his videos and style of writing. He's not perfect but he's also very open to criticism. iDubbbz I'm not a big fan of but for the most part I'm fairly indifferent to. MatPat's videos while I'm highly critical of them, are somewhat of a guilty pleasure for me and I've been watching him since he released his first Starfox video. Sarkiseen I am more critical of but acknowledge she was one of the first people to make videos about feminism in modern media on the scale she was doing it. I wouldn't say anything these people are doing is dangerous.
If Lily was just some woman on the internet with a bad opinion then I probably wouldn't care. It's Lily's control over such a large number of people that worries me. Dismantling her rhetoric is how we show the people she has control over a way out. It's how we teach people that have been trained to turn their brain off that they should think for themselves. Videos like Joon the King's covering her allegations are important don't get me wrong, but unless we teach people to think for themselves, they're just going to fall for the next grifter to come along. The crux of the matter is that no one person should dictate what your opinion is based on how big of a fan you are of them. This problem is so much bigger than Lily. Lily just represents this issue to such a large degree.
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Tfp!Megatron x Reader
Horizon of Memories || Prologue ||
Your name was MD-1TF.
You were built to mine and refine ore that you mined, you were great at your job… till your fellow miners decided to name themselves. You couldn’t imagine having a name, finally one of the bigger miners that you knew, Megatronus, asked you.
“What is your name?” He always spoke of freedom to the rest of the miners and you.
“I don’t think I can have one” You muttered under your breath.
Having a name…having the implications of another life was bizarre to you.
“Nonsense! You can have one, who is to control us?” He retorted at your answer.
“Give me time then… to pick one” You hastily agreed, wanting to avoid conflict.
His optics softened at your new tone, he knew that you were rather ‘anxious’ of him and the rest. It wasn’t because you thought you were better. You just wanted to do your own thing. He would give that to you, the freedom of choice. He would give it to everyone!
It had been a while before he came across you again. You and him were paired up to mine some platinum in branch P-14, he got rid of the rock and gave you the ones that held ore for you to process.
Your frame was different to his, Megatronus was built for the tough work while your long digits and built furnace were meant to refine and pickout the precious minerals from the rocks that he gave.
There were few of your frame types, he saw. You were rare, only the high-grade extraction sites could commission a bot like you, but frankly he knew that you were won over from another extraction site through a bet the Head Commander had won.
He saw how you didn’t want a name, he knew why– you’d rather feel like an object than come to terms with the things that you’d face. He could understand it. The feelings of sympathy and sadness were strong whenever he saw you.
That's what drove him to do the things he did. So everyone could have a choice.
So, when one day he was assigned again with you, you didn’t appear for your duties. Instantly worry overcame him, if anyone didn’t appear for their duties they would get a punishment that ranged from an extra shift to straight-up abuse at the hands of their higher-ups.
His friends told him to forget about you. He looked for you for a while, he even went to the Head Commander, who scoffed at him and ordered him back to mining with an angry scowl.
You didn’t even have a name, how would he find you.
Why did he want to find you?
What was important about you?
You were the freedom he fought for.
But now his freedom was gone but not for long
#transformer#transformers x reader#tfp#transformers prime#prime Megatron#megatron x reader#tfp megatron#tfp x reader#imagine#cybertronian reader#tfp megatron imagine#megatron imagine#tfp megatron x reader#x reader
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Every so often I get an Anon ask where I'm not entirely comfortable responding in public with no cut or warnings ahead of the text -- it's not that anything inappropriate is being said, it's just sometimes the subject matter's a little rough. This is one of those, so I decided to copy and paste it and put it behind a cut; warnings for discussion of abuse and fraught familial situations.
You've spoken about having ADHD before, and i was wondering if you have any links to websites with resources for adults with ADHD that are more than the very generic "stay organised!", "eat healthily!", "avoid distractions!" things? like, something that explains ADHD and WHY getting organised is good, maybe? or how ADHD may intersect with anxiety? my mother finally went to a doctor and got (as i expected) an ADHD diagnosis, but the doctor told her medication wouldn't give her much at this point, which is fine, but she's just kept going as usual for her, which is not.
she has ignored everything i've told her before (like, to think ahead and prioritise, to make plans, to make lists, that she has to be systematic about it, to stay calm because if she has a plan everything should be done on time) but she ignores me. she just starts doing whatever, whenever, and then getting annoyed/anxious that "nothing" is done, and then she starts yelling at me.
i just want her to realise she MUST at least attempt to be organised, and that it's not just for work stuff, it's for everything, including every day stuff like chores. (also, i'd like to stop being yelled at. like, some of my first memories are of getting yelled at. it's been years and years of regular bouts of screaming. now i know it's her and not me, and i'd. like it to stop)
i apologize for the huge ask/rant, but yeah, do you know of any resources that explain the importance of being organised? i think if i show her something 'official' maybe she'll start doing it. or do you have any personal tips for talking to her about it? or a book about someone's experience with ADHD? anything. anything at all.
So there is...much to unpack here, as the kids say, both in terms of what you are asking directly and what you are not asking but what I'm going to address anyway. I don't have any great resources for what you're looking for, because neurodiversity comes in a lot of shapes and sizes even within a single diagnosis, and as you likely know I'm a big proponent of doing-what-works, and that's something a person has to figure out for themselves. A lot of people seem to find ADDitude very relatable and they are informative, but that's probably the best general resource out there to go deeper than surface, and a good place for her to start reading if she wants to.
But the real problem, Anon, is that she's never going to listen to you.
That seems like a real bold statement, but it is also extremely likely to be true. Most people who get a diagnosis start to work on themselves and learn more about their unique neurology; it's clear she's not going to do that, and you can't make her. I'm sure some of it is that she's been told her entire life, by people with much more power over her than you, to do those things: be organized, make lists, have a plan. They are the hardest things for people with ADHD to do, and she can't simply whip herself through them, and so she learned long ago to ignore anyone saying anything about it. Medication could help with that a lot, actually, so your mother's doctor really fucked you both by telling her it wouldn't do anything for her; whether she's taken that as permission to ignore the problem or whether she just believed him, he did a really shitty thing in doing that.
Your mother is neurologically incapable of forcing herself to do many things that neurotypical people find easy. There are workarounds, yes; some of us do extremely well if we decide that EVERYTHING has to be planned, and behave accordingly. Some of us find stopgaps. But that has to be a decision she makes, to find workarounds for herself. It's not something you can offer her with helpful websites or books, because she is also likely very deep in shame about it, to judge from her other behaviors. That's not your fault, which means it's also not your job to fix it.
And here's the other problem: you are in an abusive home situation where your mother is taking out her frustration with her mental illness by hurting you.
And that really really sucks and I'm really, really sorry. But the screaming-at-you, which absolutely should not be happening, is a result of decades of frustration at the world that won't accommodate her, combined with an inability to regulate her emotions. Unless she is medicated or learns better regulation or at least picks a different target, it's not going to stop. That's not your fault either. Some of it isn't even her fault. (Some of it is; mental illness is not our choice but it is our responsibility, and she is not behaving as either an adult or a parent should in abusing you because she can't find somewhere else to put all her emotions.)
Presumably you are either too young to leave or can't afford to, but the best possible thing you can do for yourself is get out as soon as you can, sever yourself from her financially, and then decide what level of interaction you want with her going forward. Honestly, may be the best thing for her as well, to realize that if she doesn't make a change, she will lose access to her child.
I realize that is almost certainly not immediately possible, however. Do not leave if you are going to a less safe situation, either. Be smart and strategic -- make your plans and prepare as much as possible ahead of time.
"So in the meantime, Sam, what the fuck am I supposed to do?"
Bearing in mind that we are going to assume you cannot help your mother, as she either doesn't want help or is in denial or both, the best thing you can do if you can't get out is to shore yourself up: remind yourself as regularly as possible that none of this is your fault, and do your best to protect yourself both emotionally and physically. IE, if she's not organized enough to buy groceries or cook, do what you can to make sure you are regularly fed -- do not concern yourself with whether she eats. That's her responsibility, she's a grownup. If you are likely to be yelled at for this -- well, she was always going to yell at you about something; it might as well be as a result of you caring for yourself first. As much as you can, spend time away from her if possible.
Given her past behavior, especially if you are an only child or oldest sibling, you may already be de-facto head of household; this may be simply a process of assuming actively that she can't fulfill that role, and doing what you can to care for yourself and any siblings. If you have other family who understand the situation, I strongly suggest tapping them for help. As much as you can, reach out to adults in your life you trust, and get their help in caring for yourself and your family without needing to depend on her for support.
I don't wish to stigmatize mental illness or addiction but living with someone in denial about the impact of their mental health on those around them is exactly like living with an addict: the best strategy is to expect nothing from them, remind yourself often that you are not to blame for this situation, look out for yourself first and foremost, and get out once you can. I'm really sorry it has to be that way, because it shouldn't be. But I'm concerned with you, not with her, and if you want to build a better life for yourself, it's going to have to be one that doesn't depend on you being able to change someone else.
I'm afraid I don't have a lot of books for you about that, either. I wish you all the luck -- you shouldn't need it, but unfortunately sometimes we still do.
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"Sometimes lost amid all the shouting of a high-octane campaign heading into its final couple of weeks is that simple if mind-bending fact. America for the first time in its history may send a criminal to the Oval Office and entrust him with the nuclear codes. What would once have been automatically disqualifying barely seems to slow Mr. Trump down in his comeback for a second term that he says will be devoted to "retribution."
In all the different ways that Mr. Trump has upended the traditional rules of American politics, that may be one of the most striking. He has survived more scandals than any major party Presidential candidate, much less President, in the life of the republic. Not only survived but thrived. He has turned them on their head, making allegations against him into an argument for him by casting himself as a serial victim rather than a serial violator.
His persecution defense, the notion that he gets in so much trouble only because everyone is out to get him, resonates at his rallies where he says "they're not coming after me, they're coming after you, and I'm just standing in the way." But that of course belies a record of scandal stretching across his 78 years starting long before politics. Whether in his personal life or his public life, he has been accused of so many acts of wrongdoing, investigated by so many prosecutors and agencies, sued by so many plaintiffs and claimants that it requires a scorecard just to remember them all.
His businesses went bankrupt repeatedly and multiple others failed. He was taken to court for stiffing his vendors, stiffing his bankers and even stiffing his own family. He avoided the draft during the Vietnam War and avoiding paying any income taxes for years. He was forced to shell out tens of millions of dollars to students who accused him of scamming them, found liable for wide-scale business fraud and had his real estate firm convicted in criminal court of tax crimes.
He has boasted of grabbing women by their private parts, been reported to have cheated on all three of his wives and been accused of sexual misconduct by more than two dozen women, including one whose account was validated by a jury that found him liable for sexual abuse after a civil trial.
He is the only President in American history impeached twice for high crimes and misdemeanors, the only President ever indicted on criminal charges and the only President to be convicted of a felony (34, in fact). He used the authority of his office to punish his adversaries and tried to hold onto power on the basis of a brazen lie.
Mr. Trump beat some of the investigations and lawsuits against him and some proved unfounded, but the sheer volume is remarkable. Any one of those scandals by itself would typically have been enough to derail another politician...Not Mr. Trump. He has moved from one furor to the next without any of them sinking into the body politic enough to end his career. The unrelenting pace of scandals may in its own way help him by keeping any single one of them from dominating the national conversation and eroding his standing with his base of supporters...And victory next month may yet help him escape the biggest threat of all -- potentially prison."
-- Peter Baker, laying out very plainly how insane it is that America could very well elect Donald Trump as President once again, in the New York Times. I really hope you'll take the time to read the whole article, which I am sharing gift links to in order to bypass the paywall, and remember just what is on the line on November 5th.
(Please feel free to copy and share this gift link to anyone and everyone that you think needs to read this immensely important article in the next two weeks.)
#Peter Baker#New York Times#Donald Trump#President Trump#2024 Election#Presidential Election#Presidential Campaign#Politics#Presidency#Presidential Politics#ELECTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES#VOTE#Kamala Harris#Harris-Walz#Presidential History#History
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No offense to Sam but the way he's been talking about Lestat lately is ... troubling, to say the least. He did an interview with Screenrant and he legit said that Lestat's abuse of Louis was "probably not as violent an act as Louis made it out to be in season 1." That's a direct quote, by the way. I understand that a lot of Lestat fans have their rose-colored glasses on and they're not the only ones, sure. However, when you have the actor saying things like this, are we really surprised Lestat fans are just as willing to turn a blind eye and act as if he's this innocent beacon of sunshine whose word is the gospel truth? I can't include links but you can search up Sam Reid and Screenrant on Google and the article should pop up.
ya, I've seen that quote (article and text at the bottom of this post).
if this fandom was full of critical thinkers the way ppl always luv to claim, we'd be able to discuss these things and even say maybe these actors say dumb, harmful shit sometimes. assigning sam reid the new role of anne rice stand in, coming from ppl who already have an unhealthy relationship with her, usually going back decades, is why trying to do anything here is p useless.
this fandom will never know peace bcuz instead of focusing on the fact harm was done, racist fandom has to keep digging and victim blaming black characters bcuz how could the white character do this, it's ooc, it's bad writing, it's not what anne rice would have done (except she did lol but there's always an excuse for why that doesn't count).
there's a lot of things the fandom could be talking about but instead it's gonna be tossing this quote up forever as "the truth" and it's gonna be like 50 year olds in the fandom doing it too. embarrassing tbh.
One of my favorite moments in the episode is Lestat apologizing over the cloud gift move from last season. It's powerful and moving, and yet so frustrating because the trial carries on like nothing after. Can you talk about playing that scene with Jacob?
Sam Reid: Yeah, I think we kind of had to make sure it [landed]. I don't want it to be like, "Yeah, but actually, it's not such a big deal. He apologized, and it's over now," which is what Claudia said. It's probably not as violent an act as Louis made it out to be in season 1, but I think the fact that Lestat did something to him that is so out of his nature was driven by the extent to which they love each other.
Lestat was driven to the point that he didn't fully even recognize himself, and he saw from his own hands an action that was unforgivable. You've physically hurt the person that you love so much that you no longer feel like you deserve to be with them. He knew that, and I think the thing is that he realized that as soon as he's done that, he also has to die.
In terms of working on that scene with Jacob, I think it's important for us to acknowledge that this is not the end. Do you know what I mean? This is not the finality of that beat. Louis doesn't forgive him at that moment, and Lestat sees that. He can't look at him that much during the trial, but there's another moment when Lestat looks at him and all he sees is pure hate in Louis' gaze. "He's never going to forgive me." But he doesn't flip back to just doing the trial — he still wants to save him, you know what I mean? He's got to just hurry the proceedings up, get through the f--king thing, and stick to his script.
That definitely is also when I feel like we get into that silhouetted, mirage version of the trial. I think that's when we're in full-blown POV bulls--t of how it actually went.
#asks#interview with the vampire#amc interview with the vampire#interview with the vampire amc#iwtv amc#amc iwtv#iwtv 2022#fandom racism#lestat de lioncourt#sam reid
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One more analysis that actually blew my mind and people already saw.
Pony Express, NOT ENOUGH PEEPS CALLS THEM OUT!
Now hear me out here
Jimmy and Curly somewhat represent Pony Express
How?
Curly represents what they could’ve been if they actually cared for their workers, but fails in the sense of his own inaction to hold one of his own accountable.
STAY WITH ME
The failure relies in Pony express’s own protocol: Captain is responsible for the crew, if anyone fails to get along your pay will be docked. Saftey.
Saftey for what? The medical tools and the self defense tools? The ax and gun, Curly falls under the system of capitalism in terms of keeping a toxic positivity in an unchecked environment of chemistry between the coworkers aka Anya and Jimmy.
Because of that we see that in the sequel of Mouthwashing with How Fish are made. He’s self loathing, regretting, still blaming himself and taking responsibility for Jimmy’s actions and for failing Anya. When he should only be taking responsibility for failing Anya. Not Jimmy, but Curly is kind to a fault. Thats his flaw.
Which is what makes Jimmy including some of us misinterpret him. We all think he had his head in the game and had it together so why does he fail Anya!?
Because he didn’t, the guy was stressed, anxiously trying to fix what he can (and fix Jimmy which isn’t his job) and play peace keeper and friend instead of Captain. Does that excuse or justify him? No it just explains a lot but also explains his terrible choice of words with Jimmy as well as letting Jimmy walk away.
The company placed such a huge standard onto Curly who saw everyone as human. Meanwhile Jimmy took that for granted, took advantage and challenged his authority.
This is where Jimmy comes in, he represents Pony Express for what it is. Lazy, unethical and simply corrupt.
In one of Pony Express’s posters they speak about complaints about coworkers in a complaint box….that takes three months to check or otherwise never get acknowledged. Doesn’t that sound familiar?? And then when it comes to safety they lack any form of that because they do not see their workers as human.
They laid them off and sent them with most likely the rest of the mouthwash, it was practically a whole set up for failure. And it was their way of basically saying their workers life is as important as that mouthwash…
Now here is where Jimmy comes in, he disregards Anya’s safety, like Pony Express does to all of them. Sees her as useless, Pony express while they did hire them to deliver they also do not value the crew members one bit. Then here is the part that’s actually a kicker, Jimmy assaults Anya, crashes the ship because she told Curly who then goes to Jimmy who was looking for the gun after he finds out that she is pregnant.
Where does this all tie to, it ties to the fact that Pony Express sets everyone up to be abused and does not care until it affects them, just like Jimmy. They go bankrupt, so they lay everyone off. Curly proceeds to tell everyone like a friend instead of Captain who was supposed to wait.
Jimmy crashes out on him, then breaks a nonexistent safety protocol and assaults Anya, this is where Pony Express plays in this without even being there. He expects Anya to act normally after he assaults her, I can’t even imagine the pain and grief she went through. But she doesn’t instead she tells the Captain, not Curly, not her friend, the Captain.
Curly is the complaint box and he as that said metaphorical box does not heed Anya’s request to handle Jimmy.
Jimmy realizes she told, and realizes she didn’t “act normal” and proceeds to look for something to be rid of her, that fails because Curly goes to him and proceeds to try and play peacekeeper/do what the company does.
Try to make it subtle and discreet, Jimmy doesn’t do that and like the company lays everyone off. Aka killing everyone when his main target was Anya, but wait.
Curly is incapacitated indefinitely, so Jimmy takes over and continues his monstrous behavior. Verbally Abusing Anya like he does to Curly, then he physically abuses Curly like how he does to Anya.
No matter what every choice Curly makes it will be wrong to us, and he wholeheartedly agrees with us. How fish are made he hates himself and I wish people saw that he doesn’t give himself grace for it.
But we also see the fish representing Jimmy, and he’s this blob consuming everything.
Now hang on, one more thing I must mention and it’s about Anya. When I mentioned how Pony Express don’t see them as human, and Jimmy parallels them. It’s mainly because of how he treats everyone, he expects things to go back to normal. For Anya to be okay with his verbal abuse, but also praise him because he’s the captain. That title is so important.
Just like during judgement hour, we all see Anya there and telling Jimmy to give a speech. Why? Why does she talk first?
Well it’s simple, he doesn’t care that he hurt her or the others. He just wanted to be important, he wanted to be in Curly’s place so bad. Being praised and loved, even after doing all of that.
Which is why I can’t help but laugh at him because you really did all of that? Just to sit at a table, cut your so called friend’s leg off. Kill Daisuke and Swansea and ruin Anya’s life because you were envious?
Pathetic, really.
Curly maybe likable but he fails as a Captain, while also being a victim too.
And I have to say this real quick.
Can we please stop saying Anya failed medical school? She was rejected 8 times 😭 being rejected is different from being in the school. She wanted to try again after working at Pony Express but Jimmy ruined that chance by forcing a kid on her.
And idk if folks agree with if not then I get it, but folks can hate Curly and Jimmy while also understanding that people like those two. As long as folks aren’t being weird and idolizing Jimmy or trying to infantilize Curly/Daisuke. I mention Daisuke cuz thats literally what Jimmy does and he makes him out to be dumb when in actuality he really isn’t.
#mouthwashing anya#swansea mouthwashing#mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#anya deserved better#anya mouthwashing#mouthwashing curly#screw jimmy#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing jimmy#pony express sucks#pony express#mouthwashing hurts#mouthwashing swansea#mouthwashing spoilers
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Why was it so hard to include Loke as one of the main side characters (for lack of a better term)? And by that I mean like not the main Lucy/Natsu/Gray/Erza/Happy gang, but as important as Wendy/Carla, the Strauss siblings, Gajeel, Laxus/Thunder Legion, Levy/Panther, Cana, etc. Obviously I’m coming from a fav character bias, but I also think it would’ve made sense narratively and for his character development.
One of the running themes in Fairy Tail is “Found Family”. And out of place or not, while he is pretending to be a wizard, it’s evident that he’s made himself at home in Fairy Tail. It was a place to call home while he was suffering. Not only that, he did make genuine friendships there. Close enough that when he quit out of the blue, the whole guild went looking for him. So close, in fact, that Gray asked him to be his partner for the S-Class trials (which, by the way, was a super fun time having him back). Actually, Tenrou was probably the last time he was properly accepted as a member of Fairy Tail.
So, what? He gets saved by Lucy and because of that he just doesn’t care anymore? “All right, character growth chyeck ✔️. Hehe, glad I don’t have to worry about that character anymore. It’s not like he has any residual trauma left from previous abusive masters, and he doesn’t miss his Fairy Tail fam in anyway way shape or form!” Like, it’s almost absurd how little of his character is explored. What does it mean for him to be the leader of the Zodiac? Has he ever met a good celestial wizard before Lucy? How much power does he actually have when not limited by Lucy’s limited magical power? (Which is also annoying, btw, cuz supposedly he should be getting more powerful whenever Lucy gains power, and yet it feels like he keeps getting weaker while Lucy unlocks more abilities. How is that fair???) Even Kagura got more character development than Loke and she’s not even part of Fairy Tail (I love Kagura btw, just trying to make a point).
Also, just exploring what he himself represents could be so interesting. Between being Leo the Lion and wielding Regulus (AKA the light of the king), he should be a symbol of leadership and power. I’m not saying that means he shouldn’t be his goofy, flirty self. If anything, that’s a duality that he could learn to live with. It could be either a struggle or something fun about this phase in his eternal life where he’s sort of half spirit, half human. Why aren’t we allowed to experience that with him?
I have many more qualms about Fairy Tail and how it’s written, it’s just that Loke and the celestial spirits are my favs and therefore it’s easier for me to talk about them. But if anyone is curious about my other thoughts about other events or characters, I’d love to answer those lol. I love this anime for some reason and its characters and I have such a weird obsession with how flawed it is. But until Fairy Tail magically becomes the perfect story I imagine it to be, I need to vent my irrational frustrations somewhere and coming back to Tumblr’s been fun so far so imma be here from time to time lol.
#fairy tail#loke fairy tail#fairy tail 100 years quest#celestial spirits#irrational frustrations/obsession#pls help aaa#love loke too much whyyyy
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chapter 147 thoughts
you guys ever hear the tale of the monkey's paw. grants your wish but you suffer dire consequences as a result? just felt relevant to this chapter for some reason. anyway.
Chapters Since The 143 Kiss Happened And Went Completely Unacknowledged And Unaddressed Count: 4
I'm gonna be up front and say that while I really wanted to like this chapter and it has the bones of interesting ideas, so many of the existing issues with the Movie Arc just bring it crashing back down. I probably dislike it more than I necessarily should because knowing that this definitely is the end and seeing concretely in hindsight just how much time was wasted and how much excellent material has been squandered or flat out skipped over entirely just makes me want to put my head through a brick wall. And it just sucks because, like… man, I don't want to dislike Oshi no Ko! I really don't enjoy feeling like I'm just putting negativity out each chapter because when the story hits, it hits so fucking good!! The Movie Arc has been clunky but it's had some truly breathtaking individual moments and character beats that make me remember why I fell in love with the series so deeply but then chapters like this come along and I wonder why I'm even bothering to keep reading.
anyway. Anyway.
To my genuine shock and surprise, the RBHK conversation happens entirely onscreen and isn't needlessly dragged out which I will take as a W at this point. What is less of a W is how just… underwhelming this ended up being? This is Hikaru's first meeting (that we know of) with the child he fathered and then essentially orphaned… at least as far as Ruby is concerned. So her total lack of reaction to him is baffling. The question currently seems to be whether Ruby is only pretending not to recognize him in order to try and pry the answer she's looking for out of him or whether Akasaka really, genuinely wants me to believe that Ruby does not recognize her father, when Akane recognized him on sight, he looks identical to her twin brother she spent 18 years growing up with and she is in the middle of MAKING A MOVIE THAT STARS HIM. If the latter is the intent then all I can say is that I feel genuinely fucking insulted on Ruby's behalf at her being dumbed down this badly and for myself as a reader that Akasaka thinks I'm stupid enough to buy this. So I am very much hoping it's the former.
The talk they go onto have is also………………………….. man. I want to like it. I really want to pull it apart and analyze it because it is fascinating. It's a really important look into Ruby's feelings and I even myself said this was something I really wanted to see Ruby dealing with - being faced with the realization that the person who killed her mother isn't some ephemeral faceless force of uncomplicated evil, but a fucked up human being who was hurt and suffering and who faced horrific and monstrous abuse just like Ai did. The idea of Ruby wrestling with her conflicting feelings of empathy and resentment, similar to Kana trying to reconcile her lingering hurt with her love for Ruby as her friend, is super compelling.
But like… she didn't! Akasaka having Ruby look into the camera and having her say "uhhh i was totally having all these deep and complicated feelings this whole time trust me bro" is the first we have heard Ruby struggle with literally any of this. It's yet another example of what I've been saying this whole time of Akasaka both lacking enough respect for Ruby to seriously interrogate her as a character and rushing her to the endpoint of what should have been long term characterization in lieu of showing us the work it takes to get there. Rather than organically weaving any of this into the prior story and letting us actually see Ruby work through this, she just starts awkwardly monologing about it to a conveniently placed guy who is, depending on your interpretation of the chapter, either some rando with an umbrella or the guy she's pretty sure killed her mom.
There is no reason her struggling to reconcile these contrasting feelings of resentment and empathy couldn't have been explored as the movie was being filmed. There were countless opportunities for this to have come up while the movie was filming the scenes dealing with Hikaru's abuse - we even get this set up in 139 during the filming of their first meeting but it gets derailed by a dumb brocon joke because I guess that was more important to spend pagetime on than the arc Akasaka is trying to suddenly pretend Ruby was having.
And it's not like it even matters! Unless the next arc is also going to be about 15 Year Lie where we interrogate the content of the movie not shown to us, Ruby's struggle here comes to nothing. That overhanging question of "Will Ai('s actress) forgive her killer or not?" is cut short and goes unanswered. So what was the point of this?
I also just really can't get my head around this continued thread of Ruby wanting to be an idol who 'surpasses' Ai. I had a whole rant about it here I ended up deleting lol but the long and the short of it is it feels entirely incongruous with the series' broader portrayal and Ruby's own attitude about chasing Ai's light and what being an idol did to Ai but at this point I've given up.
The exchange with Kamiki that follows is like, the one part of this chapter I think is just uncomplicatedly interesting and worth interrogation. He actually gives Ruby a lot of genuinely good advice here - that she can only find an answer to that question by interrogating it herself and an answer from someone else won't solve the issue. Does she actually want suffering and revenge? Are those really at the core of who she is as a person?
The framing here is obviously and overtly sinister and suspicious and we're pretty clearly supposed to think he was about to shove Ruby down the stairs, but a few things jumped out to me. The first is that if you pay attention to the backgrounds, they seem to have actually already been close to if not at ground level by the time Akane caught up to them, so… what exactly was a push from that height going to do if he did, in fact, push her?
Not only that but uh… holy shit! His white hoshigan!!!!
Like, am I misremembering, or is this not the one and only time we have ever seen adult Hikaru - maybe even the real Hikaru full stop - without black hoshigans??? Given what we've seen of him so far and how the black hoshigans have been used as a symbol, if he really was about to kill Ruby… where did THAT come from?
Added together with the deeply sympathetic portrayal of his younger self in the movie, it continues to raise a lot of questions for me as to exactly what we're supposed to be thinking of Hikaru and how we're supposed to feel about him that I am finding very compelling. ambiguity enjoyers when the
NINO IS HERE!!!! MISS NINO I'M FREE THURSDAY NIGHT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HANG OUT
Joking aside, I'm really glad Nino is here because it implies her whatever the fuck is going on situationship with Kamiki is going to continue into the final arc(s?) of the series and that we'll get to see more of her as a result. Nino's been one of my favourite OnK characters since I first read 45510 so any more content of her in the main story is a treat.
Kamiki's words about the movie killing him via public opinion also lines up with what I was expecting to happen more or less… I'm curious to see how this is all going to play out and what this means for Aqua given that, if last chapter is anything to go by, he's still very much struggling with suicidal ideation. can someone PLEASE give my son a bone crushing hug.
akane stalking kamiki is up there as one of the funniest things ever in this manga btw. what is wrong w her <3
This is unfortunately where me having nice things to say about this chapter ends because the chapter - and therefore the Movie Arc as a whole - ends with this transparently rushed sequence absolutely mach speech blasting through the remaining material of the movie in one and a half's pages worth of silent single panels. Honestly, I really can't properly articulate how mad and frustrated I am about this lmao. It really just feels like Akasaka admitting to the reader that he's stopped giving a shit about what the movie was supposed to be about. The HKAI breakup that was given a huge amount of setup and weight at the start of filming? Ai's pregnancy? AI'S DEATH???? It's all skipped over and brushed aside as if it never mattered in the first place. Never mind any of the interesting characterization we could've gotten out of it. Never mind that the Movie Arc was promised to be about Ai and untangling her past. Never fucking mind Ruby having literally any interiority about having to act out the death of her beloved mother and reliving the event that destroyed her and her brother's lives. If Akasaka doesn't care, why should I?
It feels like a slap in the face for getting invested in the story's promises and trying to engage with it. But of course, I'm going to be back like a clown doing just that when the next chapter drops anyway.
at least we're finally moving on to a new arc but by god. at what fucking cost.
break next week……………………………………………..
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