#and figuring out how stuff behaves in certain situations and what you like to do and blahblahblah

[quirinah]

how do you get your colors to look so nice and your lineart so red and vibrant? i love it

omg anon thank you!! 😭 im going 2 be honest I am Not Great with color theory... but i like having my sketch pages look cohesive to me...

BUCKLE UP this is going to need a readmore bc i like talking.

I always sketch in neon colors it's a habit i picked up from an old teacher but I'll think of a color usually on a whim and draw with that. and then if i want to draw something else ill pick another color that i think goes well with the page. usually most of my color schemes r analogous (colors right next to each other on the wheel)

yanked this from recent dunmesh post; i kept most of my colors within the pink/red/orange range.

i wouldn't recommend doing everything in monochrome or analogous palettes though because it's sort of a guilty crutch of mine XD.

sometimes when im coloring ill change the layer mode of the sketch. color burn gets you either very very bright or very very deep colors depending on the color of the flats underneath. multiply and linear burn do the same thing but they're a lot tamer and generally always return darker colors. im sure there's some technical bits behind this though. ill either color my lineart afterward to compliment the color of the flats, leave it as is, or mess with layer modes if i feel like it. my favorite trick is color burn + linear burn + some combination of two lineart layers and just fiddling until i get a nice burn effect.

mithrun was done with crimson red on color burn.

coloring... like 999% of this is relative color which is like. kind of the idea that colors look different when placed next to each other. if you eyeball it a bit it's pretty noticeable.

what i used to do a bit ago was i would fill in the area i wanted to color with one big mask of color, make a new layer that has a clipping mask down to the flat layer of color, and then draw my actual flat colors. the color of the mask helped me pick my flat colors bc if I picked a color i think stood out too much next to the mask i could kind of just adjust it until it looked a little more cohesive.

old ish drawing next 2 a canon reference. i ignore local color a lot...mea culpa....but my overall color palette here was a light pink, so the shirt here is actually a desaturated pink? or violet i believe. if you shift sort of that purple color far enough into the gray area of your color wheel it can take on a blueish or even greenish hue. it being next to a lot of warm pinks/fuschias helps.

a neat thing that kind of helps is that if you desaturate or saturate certain colors they can kind of take on a certain hue? not sure if this makes sense. sort of how orange here turns tealish blue the grayer it gets. so if im drawing something that's predominantly orange and i have a blue color i can just take an orange color and desaturate it until i get a color that sort of looks like blue. and that way it kind of looks more harmonious? at least to me XD

shading. i don't apply serious lighting to a lot of my drawings, but a helpful bit is that the shadows tend to be the opposite of whatever color the lighting is? i try to think first about the "mood" or the main color i want to go for in the drawing and then i pick a shadow color opposite of that. so for here, i wanted the lighting to be a coolish magenta so the shadows r lime green. if there's anything off i fiddle around until i get something i like. the shadows on the skin here were too green initially so i shifted them a little more orange.

there's a "band" of color going on between the transition of the shadows to the light. generally this could be for a lot of reasons and i tend to use it differently (core shadow? overexposure? etc etc). but this is a color post so ill try not to go too off track.

but generally digital doesn't "mix" colors the same way traditional colors do if you use RGB (cmyk is a bit better with this but is kind of a pain to get used to), so to make blending a little less muddy, i sometimes add an intermediate color to smooth things out a little. for example, mixing digitally blue n yellow tends to get you gray, but generally, blue + yellow makes green, so if im making a blue->yellow transition ill slap some green color in the middle so it flows a little better.

I do a lot more cel shading nowadays. if you've been on here for a while earlier this year i have another style of coloring but it's not really accurate to how shadows really work so i wouldn't recommend looking at it. it's mostly to add zest and texture to the underlying flat colors.

coloring your lineart does a TON to helping your colors look vibrant, though its like the garnish on a dish to me (same with shadows). i think it's good to try and play with your flat colors and try to make sure those look in order first before adding flourishes. usually ill leave it a dark, saturated color that again matches my overall palette but sometimes i go in and color them by alpha locking my lineart layer and picking a color that matches the flat colors underneath? not sure how to explain it properly.

i used a darkish purple for shuro's ponytail to match the dull red of the flat colors (more relative color! trying to simulate a black/brown while keeping the pink palette there) but a lighter crimson for laios's blond. the light was this super intense like blush pink so i thought it might be cool to add this neon salmon red in the areas of that light to really give off that vibe of a very bright intense rim light.

sometimes you could also tweak with gradient maps or color balance, which adjusts hue based on how light or dark a color is. these r fun to mess with as a final touch but i need to watch using them because they can become crutches real fast XD but those are also just tools to help you. in the end just developing a good sense of how color works and how you want to use it is the best place to start.

LONGASS ramble but yeah. tldr just kind of train ur eye for color and look at what you like best. which is unhelpful and a little sucky but it really is just observation and practice and maybe some personal zest.

happy drawing!

[elizabethrobertajones]

5 and 11 :)

How do they feel about Wuk Lamat looking up to them as a mentor figure? Did this attitude change as the story progressed?

Frog's ended up with a LOT of mentees over time, from one off moments being shadowed for an afternoon in one discipline or another, to realising she's sort of accidentally helped shaped the twins' entire personalities for better or worse (moooostly better).

Wuk Lamat showed up at a good time when there was room for her emotionally and also time to care about such things. I think Frog was already drilling her on axe technique while she was still loitering around Sharlayan.

She wasn't quite so certain about the political side of things because she knew so little about Tural and knows how wobbly politics can be even when you feel like you're on the right side, so she was holding off any judgement about how Wuk Lamat really fit into all that until they got out there and had a lay of the land, and also she was banning Alphy from pontificating too much on the situation before he knew more XD She seemed far more frightened than she was letting on, and Frog couldn't tell if that was just Being A Teenager And Untested, or if there was some great evil lurking at the heart of all this that Wuk Lamat couldn't face alone or mention and the situation was much more dire than anyone was saying (Erenville being unreadable was completely unhelpful).

Once she'd met Gulool Ja Ja, Frog understood things a lot better and knew she just needed to impart the WoL magic sauce to Wuk Lamat and was really impressed that in many early situations she already seemed to know the right answer even if she wasn't confident in it (since we started with the Laser Eye Bird Boat). That made it a lot easier to just relax into the contest and lead by example of having fun and being yourself, mostly to help Wuk Lamat get over the yips rather than teach her anything substantial, because it was clear to Frog she had the right path already and just needed to be pushed onto it when she was uncertain, and courage in her convictions.

What was their initial impression of Sphene? How did this change as the story progressed?

.... does anyone have a WoL who didn't immediately distrust her? Listen to Alisaie :P

Once Frog got to understand the Endless concept she was immediately suspicious that it was what Sphene was since she was behaving so inhumanly (walking about in the pouring rain in a little shiny dress) and unaccompanied when there were beafts out there. And she had no retainers or obvious second in command, whereas every leader Frog's ever met who was worth anything had a squad of guys with personalities following behind them, guarding them and both advising them and letting them bounce ideas off them, as well as enacting their whims for them. Like. Normal human need for other people.

Sphene was obviously involved in her people's lives but she was doing it all by herself, like, individual house visits? The way she was a single shining saintly figure was so incredibly suspicious. Frog was worrying the regulators were doing some sort of mass mind control to keep everyone complacent and besotted with their ruler, at first, and then once she realised she was an Endless, she knew it was more that she was a mascot and the face of a much larger, worse thing: a terrible system that had all the living humans in its grasp. Oh well! there's always a trial named after the expansion! :)

I think part of her post-MSQ to do list is to read up on the historical Sphene and get a better idea of who she had been before, because she wants to know more about the actual person who she only saw little glimpses of, and historical Alexandria is really interesting, especially after seeing so many recreations of it and glimpses of what it had been, compared to the society in Solution 9. It's all SO weird even after the cyberpunk stuff and high technology she's already seen.

[razorblade180]

Growing Up

Scroll rings

Yang:Thank you for calling Domino’s. Is this pickup or delivery?

Ruby:Wow, it’s a week since Kovu left for school and you’ve already gone crazy.

Yang:I miss my little man so much! Dad never told us how much it sucked when we left for Beacon!

Ruby:Bet he’s laughing now. Welcome to club sis. You could always make another one?

Yang:*shivers* I don’t know about all that. Honestly I don’t understand how- ummm

Ruby:How I kept going after one? Heh, well… it took awhile.

Yang:…Sorry. I didn’t mean-

Ruby:I know, and I’m flattered. Also thankful. Carmine may not have been here if I didn’t see you and Blake’s adorable little guy.

Yang:Thanks, but you would’ve found the resolve. Always do. Garnet is even more proof. How is the little hell raiser?

Ruby:At the park with papa. Has Kovu called you about Carmine yet?

Yang:Pfft, no. I’m positive he doesn’t know she’s there, and I’ve been told not to tell him.

Ruby:She called you!?

Yang:Yeah. She was practically begging. Not that she needed to.

Ruby:Hmm….

Yang:….Hasn’t called you in awhile?

Ruby:Not as often as I’d like…I don’t know. It’s complicated. We’re complicated.

Yang:If she’s anything like her mom, which she is, I’m certain Carmine just doesn’t know how to talk to you these days. Let her be for now.

Ruby:I think the one she got from me is using work to ignore figuring stuff out. Can’t think about family drama if you’re busy shooting a Nevermore, hehe sigh… You know what’s weird? I can’t imagine how mom would feel in these situations. She never got see us start living our lives.

Yang:I’m sure she would’ve been a little conflicted like anybody else.

Ruby:On one hand, I want my girl to comeback not just to spend time together, but because I know the world can be dangerous. There’s moments I want to guide her through personally; even if they aren’t the ones she wants to know. On the other hand…I’m highly aware the world is better because of what she’s doing.

Yang:Gee, kinda sounds like when you ran off ahead of everyone all those years ago.

Ruby:That was…kinda different.

Yang:…….

Ruby:Okay, maybe not so different.

Yang:Eventually Carmine is going to learn to either slow down for others to catch up, or go back for them. In this case, I’m leaning towards her coming to you.

Ruby:You sound so certain.

Yang:Of course! Despite the ups and downs, it’s so clear your daughter doesn’t just love you with every bone in her body. Ruby, she’s your biggest fan; the hero she adores shamelessly. That’s tough feelings for a kid, especially when it’s mixed with family. It’s not exactly the same but didn’t you have days you wished mom was around as you improved? Imagine all the things you wanted her to say or do with you as both a parent and a mentor.

Ruby:I could write a book about it. *slouches* Daughters are rough. Don’t know how dad and uncle Qrow managed with us.

Yang:We were awesome and incredibly well behaved!

Ruby:….

Yang:Yeah I didn’t believe it either. Anyways I gotta go. Don’t stress out Rubes. Our kids are growing up. We unfortunately have to trust the process. No matter how much it hurts.

Ruby:Imagine Kovu comes back home with a girlfriend?

Blake, in the distance: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?

Yang:Blake, you met everyone you love there. Including me!

Blake:Still against it.

Yang:What!?

Ruby:*hangs up*

Front Door opens

Ruby:How was the park you two? *turns around*

Carmine:…..

Ruby:…..

Carmine:*walks to stairs*

Ruby:Wait! Hold o- you’re here! In the house!

Carmine:Yes, those are all facts you just said.

Ruby:Did you…hear-

Carmine:Nope. Everything you said on the phone is a mystery. *walks up stairs* …..I’ll help make dinner tonight

Ruby:Heh, okay! Sounds like a plan!

…….

Carmine:*peeks from corner* It’s good to see you by the way. I…missed you. *leaves*

Ruby:(Yeah, definitely my kid.)

[jukebox-arts]

Art Lessons

I'm just dropping this here because the idea keeps floating in my head about revisiting something I did back in the SAMS server (yes, hi, I was there, some of you probably know me from art chat) that I really enjoyed and I've been considering trying again to provide accessible resources to young or under-skilled artists.

So, back in the day (early 2023) when I was there (SAMS), I held a couple of streams where I tried to explain anatomy and breaking down bodies into shapes and how those lessons overlapped into other subjects like non-humans. I felt there was a moderate success, as I am and always have been, self-taught and thus I don't have the formal knowledge that comes from university classes (though I would like some one day); having been online enough I've seen the biases in the art community with the agism and such where older people who "missed" the window of opportunity are often pushed aside because they're expected to "know" by now how to Do The Thing when they weren't given the same opportunities then.

I've also seen how most how-to books, videos and classes, in many countries, seem to lack general fundamentals as part of their criteria; the number of 'students' who professed that their teachers or the instructor seemed to assume they had a basic idea of how to draw already before starting class was... staggering to say the least.

"I didn't know what [this] meant, I was just told to do it."

"We were never taught how to break this down, we just had to copy [this]."

Etc.

Nevermind the style biases; I despise the "Anime isn't art" arguments and how they try to force a style onto the learners as if they're superior for being 'traditional' or 'realistic'. I'm a person who does push for the fundamentals because they can be applied to all styles in some way; learn the rules to then break the rules and all that. Technical skill is not the same as style, in my book.

So, that being said, I would really love to revisit those streams one day soon, if the interest is still there. I'm planning to open a discord server for it where I can host the small-scale streams until I get a platform open for larger audiences; I'm thinking Twitch, but my set up isn't really good for that, and I need a certain amount of watch time/followers on Tiktok and Youtube (for some stupid reason) so while I figure that out, discord is better than nothing. VODs could be made or uploaded to Youtube later for review until I make proper edited stuff, but that's much later.

I just really miss offering help because art should be accessible and no one should feel isolated in the "you should know by now" bubble simply because their living situation or environment didn't afford them the time or resources to sit and draw all day, every day and teach themselves where classes failed or assumed they knew what they were dong already. Also, that live feedback can help a lot and allow others to run at their own pace instead of getting steamrolled by the 'natural talent' as I can repeat or revisit something and answer questions in real-time (as much as I'm able).

So if that's something that seems fun or interesting, I'd leave it open to any age (behave yourselves) to come learn; if I get enough interest I'll start making the discord and think of a schedule plan, but for now it's an idea!

Thank you for dropping by!

[httpiastri]

I kinda get what that the other anon means about Ollie seeming a little, fake (for a lack of a better word), at times.

I think it's because of that classic FDA PR training which in the words of Marcus Armstrong teaches you to "say a lot of words which mean a bunch of nothing".

Everything he says feels so sanitised, I feel like you never really get to hear any genuine, strong opinions from him.

It's really hard to explain it in words if you don't see it for yourself. I think it's more obvious if you compare him to other F2 drivers like Christian or Pepe, for example. They speak with so much conviction and don't seem to mince their words (whilst keeping things civil still) and you get such a strong sense of personality from them.

Tbh I'm not even sure if we can blame the FDA entirely for this because Dino is part of the FDA but I feel like his personality still shines through.

Prema's social media team is good at making Ollie break out of character at times but you can always see him trying to keep it cute still.

I feel like the closest we get to seeing his real personality is when he leaves comments on his family's SM accounts. Everyone views him as this well-behaved golden retriever but those comments show that he's actually quite sassy irl, he low-key seems like a menace (in the best way haha).

In a way I don't blame him for trying to maintain a certain image because people seem so eager to jump at any chance to cancel public figures these days.

I'm not gonna lie, part of it is also the cheating rumours for me. I don't consider cheating to be a trivial thing. It shows a real lack of character and integrity and I don't put anything past people who are capable of cheating. If people are allowed to be put off from Mini and Montoya because of their cheating rumours, then I don't see why it should be any different for Ollie. Of course, I don't think this should mean that people get to send any hate or abuse to the drivers but I don't blame them for side-eyeing them at least.

oh 100%!! we know how picky the fda is with their drivers and how they media train them. its funny how you used dino also because idk if i agree 100%? like i think he seems like such a funny dude but 90% of the time, he's holding all that back bcs of how he was brought up in the academy… he also seems "fake" in that way, esp when you compare clips of him from prema 2024 to when he was with paul in 2023 etc. but yes definitely letting more loose than ollie….. also thinking abt how paul has been very calm and collected in a media way but whenever he was with dino….🥹

lol yeah it would take a lotttt to hear a proper strong opinion from him… he aint gonna say anything other than "the car felt kinda bad but it’s okay 🙂" for at least a good while lol! and ofc no opinions on non-racing stuff like that….. god yes abt his sm comments, i saw a comment the other day that made me so "!! yes this is him!!!!" but now i cant remember what it was 🫠

but like yes as you say, i understand it 100%. damn its not easy to just "be yourself" without controlling your personality even as a "normal" person, so to expect a celeb who's got the entire racing world watching him to just be 110% himself without thinking about how he looks or what people think ?? that would be insane. all celebs do it, whether we notice it or not, so like 🤷‍♀️ plus he's still young, not even 20 yet….

yeah i get your point with the cheating… i agree with my entire heart, i have had this convo with friends before because i am not okay with people who cheat in any way (i don't see how it would even be possible that people do that?? it's so…. no i wont even think too much bcs im boiling already), so this situation has me kinda conflicted. obvs since there's no proof from anywhere, we can't properly know what happened. but in my mind, ebba (and maybe hermes) is way more reliable than estelle. like just… the amount of stuff going on around her, the rumors she starts and spreads… damn idk 😓 but i understand your point of it too!! i usually always support a girl who claims they were cheated on!!! it's just estelle i dont trust ig? :/

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hey, 18f. just here for some general advice (?) regarding post-high school life and transitioning into uni in a foreign country. if type is relevant for what i'm asking for, i can't provide much at the moment so feel free to tell me if you do need a type, i'll come back to you later with more information at hand. but if it helps, i could share why i haven't pinpointed what my type is yet (and these reasons may be relevant to how i behave in my current situation).

my childhood trauma remains to be unresolved, i'm definitely seeking therapy once i leave my parent's house. my mum has been the main cause of my trauma so i guess you could call her the abuser but that's a lot… that makes it seem as if she's a monster. but i suppose abuse perpetuator and monster doesn't have to be equivalent. and maybe i'm just having a hard time accepting i was abused. anyway my uni has some free counselling services so i'll make use of that and then get therapy if possible. although, my mum has been much better in terms of emotional negligence and corporal punishments. she was much more educated on healthy parenting after i'm around 12 to 13. but that doesn't change the fact i'm still mentally traumatised. it seems like she moved on but, for me, it is so so sooo hard to make sense of things.

i'm generally quite sheltered by my family as well because the country (third-world) we live in isn't the safest which also resulted in how we don't get to interact with much strangers or new people to bring some element of surprise into our lives. this also means i'm not aware of the different dynamics out there in society or much about myself because i'm not certain how i actually respond to new situations or certain types of people.

to be a little more specific, i'll write how i see my mental health state in a timeline format:

0-12 i'm busy dealing with a mum who has a bad temper, would hit me and invalidate my emotions. i don't have much specific memories but i suppose this is my impression of my childhood.

12-16 things has gotten much better i home but i don't actually feel safe, i still flinch after my mum loses her temper and is insanely concerned of any conflict (e.g. if she and my dad quarrels, it may snowball into a problem involving me and my sibling because she's in a bad mood so somehow anything she choose to do is justified) and then covid happened, my mental health was probably the lowest here, i thought about suicide, i just wanted everything to end and also maybe have my feelings validated for once. additionally, this was the time i probably spent a lot of time dwelling on my racial identity. i come from a background of two cultures/countries and i've been the only kid of such a background in school (aside from my sibling, of course) so i felt quite lonely and couldn't find someone who i could figure this out with. plus my parents, especially my mum, didn't even take the effort to learn my dad's language so i'm just like eh, who are you to pressure us to balance both languages? but, obviously, i managed to balance those two languages along with english very well because i do care about my cultural heritages. though, sometimes, i do wonder if i've made my identity too much about being biracial… i've come to terms with this much better though, i can accept both sides of me well despite my mum's opinions. oh and did i mention how my mum also liked to check my phone? yeah, so she does that and i liked to read smut. i knew i wasn't supposed to read them at that age so i was worried and felt so uptight all the time. oh well. but then she always tells me she respects my privacy so she doesn't read my journals and i know she doesn't, she genuinely respects my privacy in that regard. i think there's more stuff she's done but i can't recall right now. oh. so she has some, in my opinion, dramatic reactions or overreactions to something insanely small, again in my opinion. like if i sneeze or show symptoms of being sick or just losing my phone or if she loses her phone. with the sickness thing, i sort of get it. as a child i didn't have the strongest immune system so i got sick more than the average child so that was a lot of work for her so i guess that justifies her reactions? but i get so scared, every. single. time. and with the phone thing, i know she's very concerned about her personal data being out there and maybe because she went through more than a decade ago that related to having gangs terrorising her family. but as a child, it triggers my fawn mode and i seem to normalise this sort of behaviour from her as time goes on as in i think this is how i should react? how i should panic when something concerning happens to me instead of calmly finding a solution instead? although, as i've grown older, i tell myself to breath and slow down when i see that she panics and as a result trigger me.

16-18, i'm still building myself up from what happened nearly my whole life. i took the time for self-help books, some philosophy and psychology so i have a better idea of how to get out of the old thought process of younger me. i do have to say i'm doing much better. and i'm happy to share last night i cried many, many happy tears, because i realised i was free. as in free from abuse and emotional terrors. and truly free because i'm an adult so i can take of my wellbeing and leave completely if i ever need to take that step to feel truly safe. at this moment, i also figured out why i cried for this specific for a romantasy book (blood and ash by jennifer armentrout) i read at 15/16, the female lead was essentially monitored her whole life which she believed was for her safety but as she had a taste of freedom with the male lead, she realised her whole life has been a lie. and one night, when the male lead was away and she was not guarded by anyone, not even the male lead's guards, and the door was open, she pushed it lightly and she realised she was truly, truly free, she could run, she could do whatever she wanted, she didn't even have to stay with the male lead. and i bawled at this part. i think teen me wanted this feeling so i empathised with her greatly and last night, upon realising i had what she had, i cried too. like, yes, i'm actually free!

wew, seems like i wrote quite a bit for the reasons sections. well, i wouldn't mind any second perspective on thoughts or advice if my thinking process or judgement seems limited.

now onto the stuff i initially wanted some advice on.

for context, i am currently on a gap year, uni starts in a few months for me. but with all the free time i'm getting, it's getting boring. i find my life to be so stagnant, like i can't do anything. but, technically, i also can. so maybe i'm choosing to not engage with the possibilities…?

i know i have access to a lot of things to add some spark to my life. i can read books, watch shows, etc. i also have access to a range of art materials, watercolour sets, drawing tablet, origami paper, piano, you name it. i haven't been using the piano, though. i don't really like playing with my parents in earshot. i know they're trying to be supportive and all that… like my dad comes around and dance and tap on the keys for fun when i'm figuring out the music sheet. my mum would compliment me from time to time. but i really just want to be alone, alone with my feelings specifically. when they can hear me playing, it's as if my emotions are on display or as if whatever i write in my diary is for eyes of the public which i do not appreciate.

we also have some exercising equipment at home but i don't like using them, it's boring to run in the same spot for hours on end per week. i did try running on there for like ten days, i'd say. but it was mainly because i liked seeing how many calories i burnt on my watch and meet weekly exercise targets.

but i want more options, i want to go out more whilst also feeling safe doing so. i want to go for a walk in my neighbourhood at 05:30 or 18:00 when it's dark and feel safe enough to have earphones on or have shorts on in this humid and hot weather i'm in.

i want to explore the city, go on an city adventure and walk on the streets without concern of being sexually harassed or robbed.

i know these latter two could be achieved once i start uni because the country i'm going to is much safer so i'll definitely make use of all the resources i can. whether it be to paint in parks, go on morning runs or sign myself up to a rock climbing club.

i mean i do spend my time now to get myself ready for uni: course enrolment, course planning, dorm stuff, packing and organising, planning for orientation week, learning about the city, etc. i also set aside for psych stuff, currently really focused on type theory hence why i'm here. though, i suppose i could take some online courses on excel or something… or learn knitting… but that's still at home, sigh. i'm picking up maths recently the past few days as revision and also so i could have maths tutoring as a side hustle.

i'm also in the process of getting back into proper routine of sleeping and waking on time. my mum says i've lost my typical routine when school was still a thing, she says the busier my life is, the better scheduled my day was. not sure why i'm like that but it is true. though, i have been doing a lot of self-introspection and figuring out what i want to get out of my uni life so i wouldn't say my time has been unproductive.

with all that said, i would appreciate some of your thoughts and opinions on how i could deal with this feeling of stagnation and just lack of newness or movement forward in my life despite my current living circumstance? oh and speaking of stagnation, i suppose i have to say, most or if not all of my classmates are in college now, leaving only me still study-less so perhaps some part of me feel behind and left out, hm. but, i do have to confirm, a bigger part of me wants to deal with the stagnation.

thank you so much for your time, mbti-notes.

---------------------

Your question is difficult to respond to, not because it's especially complicated, but because the notion of "possibility" is really quite vast. I would indeed tell you to explore more possibilities, but I can't really provide detailed suggestions when I don't know the exact circumstances of where you live and what is/isn't feasible (with regard to safety). You're going to have to explore your environment a bit and check out what is available to you.

There's only one point that sticks out at me in response to the possibilities you've already put forth. I noticed that they are mainly solitary activities for skill building or general enjoyment. Solitary activities aren't going to remove that feeling of being "sheltered", in fact, they might even exacerbate feelings of boredom or isolation.

Human beings need social stimulation and warm companionship in order to feel that life is full and meaningful. Oftentimes, other people provide inspiration and catalyst to move forward in new ways. I'm guessing this is the missing ingredient in your brainstorming?

I don't know how the need to socialize would translate into your particular circumstances, though. Online socializing isn't good enough. Surely, there is some other relatively safe place you could spend time in other than your own home? Normally, I'd suggest things like volunteer for a good cause, get a part-time job, or join a club. To build skills, do so with others, by taking group classes that allow you to meet new people. If there are any opportunities like this available to you, take advantage of them.

[coffinsister]

TBF, I think it's kinda just supposed to be a show that Walter's not really that good even beforehand. He does need money and like, immediately jump to meth and murder even when given multiple opportunities to stop

Also the crossword puzzle moment is interesting for the fact it shows Walter's manipulative in an innocent way, with him specifically saying how he only did them and pretended to not know anything to get Skylar to talk to him. Perfectly normal in terms of "thing that happens", but also an interesting point that falls perfectly in line with Walter's manipulative behaviors to Hank and Jessie both

Sorry anon you activated the ranting space in my brain

I love the fact that Walter immediately jumps to selling drugs just to feel more like a "Man" and while I would argue he definitely didn't jump directly to murder, it really didn't take a whole lot to convince him.

And yes! I totally agree with 'it falls perfectly in line' because it does!

I want to say: This is exactly why I speak of "Circumstances aligning"

Walter did have that sort of personality from the beginning, he liked power, he liked feeling seen and admired, he hated being perceived as weak.

And he's definitely a very conniving person.

As seen, exactly by him staking out what hours Skyler worked there, and figuring out her hobbies, and playing dumb to get a conversation with her.

But I actually think that's really normal behavior?

Finding things in common with people to get them to talk to you first it's like, the number one thing introverts who overthink do.

There's a very fine line between Walter White who knows how to behave in certain situations in order to obtain a certain result <- This is a morally neutral trait

To Walter White who tried to murder his wife, and kidnapped his baby daughter, just to not admit he had lost and was done for <- Obviously bad stuff to do lol

And I think the big difference there lies on the circumstances really, nothing else.

Walter would have remained that same sorta lame average man, if he hadn't gotten that cancer diagnosis.

His circumstances changed, and the person he already was devolved with them.

And I think there is a certain kind of special terror, in knowing any average person can become completely terrible if their circumstances align.

(But the circumstances, of course, include the sort of person Walter already was, which lead him into making the decision of randomly selling drugs, which is so funny to me)

[somnas-writes]

Okay sorry if this is weird lol but in your "the bodyguards should have been friends" post you mentioned a fix-it fic and I am very intrigued- Is there anything about it you want to talk about?

Yeah!! I have a lot I want to write about (even though I haven’t finished the show, I’m already brain rotted)

The Theerapanyakun boys dynamic is one thing I plan to change/mess around with.

They would be genuinely unstoppable if they teamed up, but their dads (derogatory) are hellbent on keeping them isolated and in survival mode

They are all incredibly emotionally unavailable as well (they got HELLA trauma)

There’s five of them and I think each combination would have really different interactions/bonds

Khun, Kinn, and Kim are pit again Vegas and Macau their entire lives (major vs minor family feud, Korn and Gun being SHIT DADS)

They’re hostile because that’s what they were taught.

My plan/outline has them going through really big emotional break throughs (they get put in Situations and are forced to Confront their issues)

And as a result they band together

I also just want them to have good family relationships cause they deserve it

They bodyguards get to be Friends

I get that they had certain relationships and dynamics because it helped drive the plot

But holy hell imagine how uncomfortable that workplace setting was

Like big and Ken specifically hated Porsche. He hates them too, but it was an incredibly unhelpful thing

They all had their own duos (arm-pol, big-ken, Porsche-Pete), but as a group they could’ve had an great dynamic

Especially since they work for the same guys!! They get how crazy the work they do is, and they all know how these guys behave

They don’t even have to be besties (they aren’t for most of my rewrite) but for the sake of working smoothly they need to at least be casual and comfortable

I’m making Big work through his little crush on Kinn too

he and Porsche get to discuss what it’s like pursuing Kinn. it is something they should talk about, Kinn is a shared aspect of their life and having that grudge of “my crush chose him, not me.” Is just soooo petty and not healthy

Also Ken isn’t the traitor because I like him, he’s funky

Porsche and Chay are Good Siblings

I hate how they kept each other in the dark about huge things in their life

I understand (both as a younger sibling and as an older sibling) wanting to protect your family and not see them hurt. But it’s part of life!! Stuff hurts and it happens

They have a pretty special dynamic, with Porsche basically raising Chay

I wish we could’ve seen them being close siblings more in the series, I love the little montages we got of them together

But I think it’s missing that key part of them being unabashedly Honest and Real

Especially since Porsche choosing to become a bodyguard impacted a lot of Chays life. The one constant and stable figure of his life disappeared overnight and he had no way of contacting him

Porchay was alone during one of the most vital times of his adolescence. Porsche was isolated during a big change in his

In the rewrite, I want them to be more open about what they’re experiencing

They’re also just more ‘sibling like’, they go to annoy each other for fun, they work together against people because they’re a team.

One specific scenario I’ve been thinking about is Chay seeking out his brother to just be with him. (The scenario I’ve been envisioning is Chay walking into Kinn and Porsches room just to stare at him, dance Gangnam Style, turn off the lights and leave. I want Kinn to be absolutely baffled and Porsche to be Just So Done)

They’re siblings!!! It’s so fun to bother your siblings

Korn and Gun DIE

Im the second biggest Korn-Anti (Kim is first)

They’re Bad Parents and Shit People

They tear people apart just for their benefit and I’m Over It

I want these mfs DEAD AND BURIED

Kim deserves to stand at his dads grave, talk shit and walk away

I want their kids to heal!!! They deserve to be happy, even if 3/5 of them are Gigantic Meanies

And some silly little details for fun!!

Porchay is a Kpop stan, I’m a Kpop stan so I’m projecting (he makes Porsche watch music videos with him and they learned a dance together once)

Porsche (pre-mafia) was involved in a variety of activities (street racing, dance battles, catering, modeled once or twice)

Porsche can do street dancing, learned when he was like 11 and it became his go to dance style

Porsche and Chay have matching tasers (Kuromi and My Melody respectively)

They bond over sad music (Olivia Rodrigo, Lana Del Ray, Taylor Swift and Mitski)

Chay likes Sanrio

Chay gets his own ‘stage name’ (its Serpent, he wanted a cool sounding one like Phoenix)

Macau shows up more, no particular reason I just miss him

Jom and Tem show up more towards the beginning (they’re Porsches ride or dies)

Big also speaks English (while Ken is Aussie, he’s got a bit of a English accent)

Kinn really likes snoopy (he has a snoopy blanket from Khun that he hides)

Khun makes the bodyguards (main 6) dress up as the sailor scouts at some point. They all fight over who gets to be Sailor Moon (Ken won and actually ate it up)

A lot more name calling and cursing, I’m talking fun ones!! Porsche calls Ken and big lots of names when they’re rivals. (‘Mean girls’, ‘Dick riders’, at one point ‘Jack and Jill’)

Kim is into lots of alt-rock, pop-punk, and alt-indie American bands

his music as WIK is nothing like any of that. It’s just Jeff saturs discography (in my mind I’m mixing in other solo artists, mainly eric nam and RM) [i have a lot of brain rot regarding music]

Kinn is a LOSER (/pos, affectionate) he deserves it

The bodyguards get drunk together and make a tier list on which Theerapanyakun boy is the most likely to get canceled and why (ignoring mafia activities) [i might make this a post later lmao]

While they’re getting drunk Porsche falls and eats shit, big loses it and cries from laughing (that’s their little break through moment in their friendship)

[chipped-chimera]

Okay since I'm actually awake now, (proper) HAIR UPDATE! ❤️🖤❤️

I wanted to add this onto my post from last night but tumblr hates reblog photosets. Anyways I was very aware that posting my V in the darkest corner of an apartment with black hair wasn't really ... showing anything - but it was very much her vibe and that's been the point of this entire project, buckling down and learning Blender from nothing, reverse-engineering mods and systems I was only NEW to about a month or so ago so I could figure out how to bring 'back' her hair, but like ... even more how I wished it was.

And it's finally done (well ... structurally).

More development rambles beloooow ~

I'm not releasing this (yet) as I'd now put myself in 'polish' phase, where I'll be tweaking some physics and other stuff like the vertex painting which influences the shine - brighter hair colours look a bit too blown out at the moment, and I'm not sure if this is because it's too shiny or because of my custom normals (may have to tone them down a bit, idk). You can see what I mean below -

Shadows are also behaving oddly at certain angles, and I wasn't sure if it was a harsh lighting situation but upon changing the lighting up ... no. Something weird is going on. So that'll need troubleshooting (for lighter colours at least). Also some textures just are acting weird on certain parts when I don't think they should look that way so yeah ... more ... troubleshooting ahead. :V

I'm also going to look into if there's something I can do for the 'efficiency' of this mesh because I noticed some pretty severe frame slowdowns taking close up shots - though only sometimes?? Not sure what that was about at all. I'm assuming it's my gpu being pushed harder as I get closer to the hair, but upon changing the hair in the character creator to another and then back it just went away again? So no idea what the hell was going on there. It felt a bit almost like a memory leak, but I didn't do a check to see what my system was doing so I'll have another look if it happens again.

Possible (hypothetical) causes:

Could be texture size, these hair cards have 2k textures apart from the alpha (4k) which is double vanilla textures so that is also a possibility as a fix (though I'd be loathe to do it).

Double rigs. I noticed last night when in my rigging phase with UUH4V that reducing it from three meshes and rigs to TWO meshes and two rigs significantly improved framerate lag (I mean it was minor but noticeable enough) in the character creation screen, so it could hypothetically be something to do with calculations of running two rigs at the same time. If that is the case, I could probably just rig this to the Alt hair rig. Currently I'm using Alt's for the back and left side of the hair, whereas the fringe at the front and the curl over the shoulder is rigged to Old Rogue. I'll probably still keep using UUH4V just … one rig only.

Last in the list? Hair cards. There are a lot. Maybe too many. They're also of a higher poly than last time. That said I've looked at other mods with heavier polycounts than mine (what gave me the courage to push further in the first place after my very low poly attempt 1.0) that caused more obvious frame slowdown in just the character creator alone. I feel there is still a minor slowdown currently but it's on the edge of noticeable (like, 30fps vs 60fps). As it goes though, this is still pretty insanely efficient (thank YOU Hair Tools for Blender).

BONUS: Mods. Other mods. The thing I use to hook in a DLL for pose control. Could always be that?

So uh, guess that's what I'll be working on. I don't know how much time I should be spending on getting this 'frame efficient' considering anyone using this would be primarily be for screenshots, and given the specs I'm currently running (AMD Ryzen 5 CPU and an RTX 2060) are being re-classed as the 'bare minimum' with Phantom Liberty coming out, and I am planning on upgrades to my PC anyway.

We'll see? (Though in my heart of hearts, I have have had potato PCs for years and I want to support the lowest specs I possibly can). I dunno let me know what you think about that one as a possible mod user (and someone who actually reads these, wow).

Anyways all that matters is jesus christ I finally did this. I taught myself hair. From scratch.

Promised tutorial ... soon. After I maybe do nothing for a few days lol.

[tera-starstorm]

and now i talk about the way yuki presents himself and his emotions and how it ties into his relationship with kieran. Nightmare incoming

so when yuki speaks on his Not So Great past experiences to people i think he walks a very treacherous line bc there is an inherent emotional aspect to them and like. he has to share emotions sometimes for the sake of other people. the only time he's really willing to do to it is if he thinks it'll help someone else. for example he has to do it to show dahlia he understands her plight. he has to express to kieran how Not Fun things have been for him to a degree.

however! he fine-tunes the way he talks about it to make it as unspecific as he can i think. like he will acknowledge the existence of that guilt and such but not his very specific experience with it and personal thoughts. and he's pretty good at being avoidant about it in a way that makes it seem like he has it under control.

he just kind of hopes nobody thinks too hard about the implications and if they do he can skirt around it if they ask and make it sound like he's got it all together.

it's interesting because i think like. generally speaking he isn't great with words right. like when he is speaking candidly. but if you pay attention you notice when he talks about this kind of stuff, it sounds like he's speaking naturally until you remember HIS way of speaking naturally is kind of scattered. like this is all shit he has rehearsed in his head a million times and just managed to figure out how to intone himself to make it SOUND natural.

so tying into all of that. an important facet of kieran and yuki's dynamic before the ending of ID is that the yuki kieran is that kieran is idolizing is a very idealized version of yuki. like... he is Blinded by this idea of someone strong and kind who seems to go on all these crazy adventures that he's only ever dreamed of right. because he felt like that kind of fantasizing was the only thing he ever really had and now that he sees someone ACHIEVING that he's like. that needs to be me. and i feel i need to Prove to him that it CAN be me. but here's the thing right.

kieran (albeit in a very strange way) is only seeing what he WANTS to see here. he is not seeing what got yuki to this point. he is not seeing that that is NOT something you would ever want to go through. and while he should not be putting yuki on a pedestal the way that he does or behaving the way that he is by any means. it is not entirely his fault for not seeing just how bad it really is because yuki is a fucking professional at hiding the circumstances that got him to where he is and the feelings that come with it. he is excellent at maintaining the persona of a friendly, extroverted open-book type because to a degree... he is actually like that! he genuinely is very friendly and extroverted but the open book part isn't as simple. he's open until you start asking about. certain personal things. and the way he avoids it/plays it off makes it seem like he's made peace with it/has his feelings under control and just prefers not to discuss it for personal reasons when the truth is he Absolutely Fucking Does Not Have It Under Control. in floretverse canon it is essentially inevitable that if you are the kind of trainer like yasuta or yuki you have been and will be exposed to Horrors Unfit For The Human Experience. and kieran does not know this. the first idea he gets of it is after the terapagos battle in which yuki just like. makes frighteningly intense eye contact with him (keep in mind that this is also the first time kieran REALLY looked into his eyes) and basically goes "you do not want to be me i promise" and does not elaborate further. and that's when it starts to sink in that there is more that he doesn't know. because in all reality he hasn't known yuki that long and Couldn't know and it makes him feel terrible for being so naive about it.

not only does kieran feel terrible about being naive about yuki's situation and how he glorified it in his head but now that he's picking up on how. Off. yuki is because he's really paying attention now. He's Worried. and if anybody knows what it's like to avoid talking about something and will be able to spot it from a mile away even at its most well-hidden it is him. he's already seeing what yuki's doing. all he had to do was get out of his own head and look a little closer. interesting because he spent so much time trying to get into yuki's head before he kinda snapped out of it but the yuki he was trying to replicate sort of. Wasn't real. but the second he is not so blindsided by his own desires and this Idea Of Him that he's created…!

[icariandescent]

I was on my way to leave a comment on a fic I enjoyed, but when I got to the comment section, I was shocked as hell. I was gonna say this on the fic itself, but the author froze the particular thread and I figured it means they don’t want the situation to continue being discussed in the comment section.

Even though I don’t wanna beat a dead horse because it’s honestly incredibly ridiculous, but I want to say a few things.

First and foremost, the author’s attitude is so stellar and awesome. I was SHOCKED to read the first comment (and then the second one, Jesus H. Christ), and I’m so certain that if someone had commented something like that on a fic of mine, I would’ve handled it way worse. Kudos to you for not only being headstrong and intolerant of bullshit but also for maintaining your composure (and being much nicer than deserved)

As for the person who left the comments, I’m not particularly interested in being hateful and antagonistic. I just want to highlight how fucked up it was. You read a work posted for free on a website made for communities of people with similar interests to come together. You then not only disingenuously critiqued the work, which NO ONE ASKED btw, but you also criticized the community as well. As if having supportive friends that encourage your hobbies and interests is something criminal? THEN, you criticized the writer themself? As if your taste is so objectively and definitively discerning, that you are able to deem someone a good writer or not? Get the fuck out of here

If you are interested in sharing thoughts about the story, there are proper ways to do that. Characters don’t always behave rationally or ethically, and writers are entitled to their interpretations and deviations. If you don’t agree with a character’s behavior or a writer’s direction, you can either express that in a friendly way (which means doing so in good faith) or JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!! There are so many different takes out there, you’re bound to find one that satisfies you.

How arrogant and presumptuous do you have to be to assume that your criticisms are so important that they simply HAVE to be shared even when they are UNPROMPTED, UNDESIRED, and, most tragically of all, COMPLETE BULLSHIT?! And how ignorant are you to conflate a choice on character behavior with the quality of the author’s writing.

Fanfic exists for people to express their interests and creativity. It is done for free and posted for everyone to see, which requires bravery. It is FAKE, so if you like it, you can immerse yourself in the escapist fantasy, and if you don’t, THEN DON’T.

I’m sorry if this post is too long, I just had a lot of thoughts. I was horrified to read something so negative and spiteful in a comment section. Especially within a community that I care about a lot and that has helped me so much in my personal life. It reminded me of something I saw in a soulmate AU last year (which was also bs)

Be. Nice. To. Writers. We try our best and we want to make stuff that people enjoy. But we are not machines devoid of feeling. It’d be great if people remembered that.

The biggest shame is that the work in question was actually pretty incredible imo. What a topsy-turvy world…

TL;DR: bitches say shit but they ain’t say nothing idk just read it or don’t rip

[jubilantwriter]

Well heelllloooo my beloved~

Let's go wiiiithhhh 4, 8, 16, 26, 55, and 68!

Helloooooo my darling~

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Usually through music, but nowadays I've been drawing inspiration from hefty quotes on tumblr and comics where there's a certain Flavor to it that I really like and wanna try with my own takes.

8. Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

The middle! That's where the meat of the fic is, and where my general creativity really goes loose and uncontrolled lol. You can bet that my excess writing collects in the middle and just continues to unravel from there. Beginnings tend to be rough, but once I get a start, I manage to keep on chugging.

Endings are where I really struggle. Don't- [grabs your face to look away at my incomplete but published fics] -don't look over there.

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

Oooohh so many. Granted, all of them tend to be centered around my and my friends' OCs, but the one I'm nursing right now is:

Clay (from Pokemon Black and White) has to deal with the grief and guilt of his younger cousin going missing (my OC, Rod, of whom you know), and processes it as healthily as he possibly can. Which is to say, he processes it poorly. There's blame tossed around and angry jealousy/envy towards another figure who's lost a family member.

Takes place just before Legends Arceus truly kicks off, but is set in that universe. I've actually been working on this fic for AGES, and it's only recently returned to bother me in the corners of my brain.

26. Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

GOD. I would have to say... "The Space Between". It was my first true horror fic where I pushed myself to really experiment with my writing. Building the atmosphere, figuring out how to word things just right to drive home the pure terror David was in was a struggle, but a well fought one! I remember putting myself in David's headspace and freaking myself out with horror stuff to get me to really feel and experience what David felt to properly translate the terror into words. I even thought about reading a Stephen King book or two to understand how to write horror! Needless to say, I didn't end up doing that LOL

After all that build up tho came the downhill climb from all that horror tension, which honestly is what got me put into a standstill. Like, how do you write a satisfying conclusion to all that build up? That's still something I need to work on for that fic, and one that's been nagging at me for ages. Hopefully, I'll figure something out. I know how it ends, after all.

55. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

...........r Od, my pokémon OC. loL. Writing my own OC has been a pleasure and a joy, just because I can put him into so many situations and throw him into so many AUs with my friends. But also, the biggest appeal of Rod is that he's my own character. I know who he is and why he behaves the way he does better than anyone else - his motives, his drives, his weaknesses. Not only that, but he's a character who can change and grow into something else! He used to be a cis man before my friends and I talked more and more about him until we realized... no, actually, he's a transman. He leaves so much room for experimenting, for discovery and building that it's so much fun to work with him! It's less constraining to work with him than with established characters, and it's also SUCH a breath of fresh air!

My friends DEFINITELY had some part in my choice to write about him. They all just... loved him so much??? Right from conception when he was nothing more than a sock puppet with googly eyes and a fishing pun for a name. They loved him so much that they all breathed the life into him, until I actually had something to work with.

And then they kept playing with him!! Lord did they play with him. So I played dolls with their OCs as well, and this interconnected world with OCs just kinda grew and expanded and became so much fun to explore that I just couldn't not enjoy writing fics about him and their OCs falling in love or being a family or struggling together. A lot of the fics I write of Rod tend to be shared only amongst my friends, but maybe... some day... I'll post something here.

68. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Listen to songs in hopes of getting my writing spunk on. That, or daydreaming! Daydreaming scenarios really helps.

The other thing I do is write my fic on minecraft which is a sane and nor Mal thing to do,

[morlock-holmes]

I think a good point of comparison of disposability without fungibility is with an painting. If the painting is too much trouble for you, you can dispose of it (sell it, or throw it in the trash, or give it away) but if someone gave you the option to replace it with another painting (that was equally nice-looking) you still would not consider it a trade for the exact same thing.

Yes, exactly!

I'll take one more crack at this.

"Fungibility" is not getting people there, nor is "mattering" nor are "relationships" so maybe "attention" will do it.

I am trying to distinguish between two modes of interaction in social situations.

In one, which is typified by an ordinary job in modern times, the organization wants you to behave in a certain way. As long as you behave in a certain way, they pay attention to you. When you cease to behave in the way they expect, they will often simply dissolve their relationship with you and become entirely indifferent to you.

If you cease to be able to do your job, they fire you, and what happens to you after is none of their business.

In the second mode, the organization still may see you as merely a means to an end, but their response to failure is different; in these types of organizations, when someone fails to behave in the expected way, the nature of the attention paid to you changes.

In a more functional organization, like a good school or a good military, they may put you into extra training, or counseling, or find you a mentor; in less savory situations they may punish you, haze you, torture or even kill you.

In the first case, the dichotomy is between attention and indifference; in the second, the dichotomy is between different kinds of attention.

The organizations in the second case consider the severing of the relationship and withdrawal of attention to be an incredibly radical step to be used as a last resort.

Now, these aren't absolutes; your job may well put you on probation and the military might kick you out.

But I think I'm on firm ground when I say that the US Military is far more reluctant to "fire" people than most private jobs.

And importantly: The military is an enormous bureacracy tasked with making individuals into regularized, standard units which may be disposed of in order to reach strategic goals.

They just really do not want to fire you.

People keep telling me that their reluctance to fire you is not because they care about you as a person or want you to thrive and I cannot emphasize enough how much I already know that.

I am saying that this reluctance is understood psychologically as a form of attention: "It is important that you, specifically, remain here."

So what I think is happening is that organizations which were previously more prone to employing the "change in attention" model are more and more likely to employ the "change from attention to indifference" model.

In fact, much of modern American society is characterized by the idea that indifference is the inherent state of mankind and that of course attention is rarely received and only when you earn it because that is the inherent state of humanity.

This gets confused because the distinction between good attention and bad attention really is important; and I'm not trying to argue that bad attention is secretly healthy and necessary.

Rather, I'm saying that attention of all kinds has gotten rarer, and more contingent on doing something to earn it, and that this is seen as a natural state.

The stuff I've been saying about "fungibility" is an attempt to figure out what assumptions we have that make this state of affairs seem natural and inevitable rather than contingent.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, tw for stalking kinda topic?

I wanted to ask a question? My parents (mostly my mum tbh) likes to make stalking and kidnapping jokes. I'm around the age where soon I'll be able to move out, and they've only gotten worse than what they used to be. My mum will talk about how she really doesn't want me to go and stuff (she.. doesn't like the general population.).

And then if I mention going over somewhere she'll "joke" about tying my to my bed, or putting cages of my windows so I can't get out, or leaving a bucket in my room and bolting the door shut so I can't complain about being left alone inside.

Or she'll mention how easy it is to put a tracking device on a phone (I only finally got one this year) and how she can buy the apartment beside mine (when/if I get one) to listen in, how easily she could hide hidden devices in my stuff to record what I do. Things like that.

My dad also set up security cameras outside that cover all the doors and all my bedroom windows (and the bathroom window but it's too small to leave from). It doesn't cover their windows, but my mom stays at home so I wouldn't be able to sneak out that way if I needed to.

They don't like. actually put their hands on my or anything. But like is this normal? I mentioned it to someone at school once and they were really weirded out, but idk they haven't actually done anything extreme. But it makes me really uncomfortable and when I ask them to stop they joke about it more, like how "they know where to hide someone so no one would know they have them". And stuff like that.

I don't want to have to run away because I'm worried they'll actually track me (I check all my clothes and my backpack and I've gone through my phone to see if they have anything in/on them because I've gotten paranoid about it).

But if I actually move out when I'm able to idk what they'll do, and they've stopped me from having a job or really leave the house (I've gone for a few walks and "coincidentally" the house was locked and they were gone. I've had to wait hours for them to return because we don't live near my school so no friends nearby and I'm not allowed a key to the house).

Am I just paranoid? Are they just joking or is this possibly serious or maybe even abusive in some way??

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

From my experience and understanding, it is not normal or okay for your parents to be joking about these things, especially as often as they seem to be. It's also unusual for your dad to have set up so many security precautions and surveillance, as well as pushing your boundaries when you ask them to stop making these jokes.

This unusual level of surveillance could be used to exert control over you and influence you to behave in a certain way that is cohesive with what your parents may be expecting of you, even if they're not present. In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there is breathing room for individuality and disagreement.

If you're in school, this may be something to tell a teacher you trust or a guidance counselor if there is one. It may be necessary to tell a trusted adult other than your parents about this situation to see if there's anything they can do to help. I think it would be best to inform an authority figure you confide in, in case these jokes become more serious.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[crsbysdot]

She posted this a few days ago and I missed it, but I have a few things to say about it.

First of all, it goes without saying that how Koli has been behaving towards minors in and around her channel is gross as h*ll. I've said it before but it bears repeating; this is some borderline Colleen Balinger crap and if it really has been as bad as some people have made it out to be, in my opinion, it warrants Koli being deplatformed and maybe even investigated. With that said, I have some issues with some of what Steph said in this video, as well as her conduct in general, of late.

When I started this blog, I didn't necessarily WANT it to become a strictly anti-Steph platform. And so I'm perhaps overly aware of how much of this blog's content revolves around Steph. She's certainly not the worst person in the community, and there are things about her I do admire and wish I was able to more fully respect. However, it's just layer, upon layer of crap that irritates me about her, and to start, I have to say, her launching crusades is one of those layers.

The fact is that Steph has been gunning (figuratively) for Koli for around two years now, and Koli's recent behavior has only been just that; recent. Steph is a hypocrite in general imo, but when it comes to Koli, some of her hypocrisy is more glaring.

When Koli started to really become her own little issue a couple years back, Steph acted like she was above going certain places in her commentary on Koli, such as questioning Koli's claims about her illnesses, and DV. She (Steph) called out other people for bringing up Koli's personal life stuff, only to then go on to talk about those things herself when they became convenient talking points for her.

Despite the fact that Steph lambasted Tyra and SJ for talking about Koli's dv situation, In several of her Koli-related streams (at least 2) Steph puts Koli down for the state of her marriage. At one point Steph actually said that if her partner treated her the way Koli treats her husband, she'd dump them... Mind you, this is someone Steph thought had potentially posted evidence of her husband giving her a black eye. But somehow, when it's convenient for Steph's goals, it's perfectly okay for her to say that Koli's a horrible partner for being happy that her potentially abusive husband was out of town for a while.

Steph has also spoken on Koli's alleged substance use and arm-chair diagnosed her with Munchausen syndrome on two occasions.

<I want to acknowledge that part of Steph's argument seems to be that Koli is projecting her own misery onto everyone else. But she's still made unfair remarks using Kolis life against her in a way that's not relevant to anything else Koli talks about or any other issue Steph has with her.

I will reiterate that Steph is correct about Koli's behavior towards minors in her chat. But here's the thing... Out of all the creators I've seen in this community, the ONLY one I've ever seen voluntarily age-restrict their content has been Koli, and pretty much no one in the community makes content that children have any business seeing. In this very video Steph acknowledges that kids sometimes end up where they're not supposed to be, and yet Steph doesn't take a very simply step to make it less likely that kids stumble onto HER OWN content.

One of Steph's recent posts was about how a clip she'd posted of Koli's content was age-restricted by Youtube, indicating that it wasn't appropriate for all audiences. The irony of that is that had Steph been a responsible and vigilant Youtube user, she'd have voluntarily age-restricted the clip herself when she uploaded it. She has a stream where she shows Koli talking about people licking each other's private areas, and I don't believe this stream on Steph's channel was age-restricted.

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I also take issue with this notion that she simply hopes Koli changes her behavior. She literally said that Koli was grooming her underage audience members in her last livestream. You don't just hope someone "changes" that behavior and move on. That's not an oopsy one just apologizes for and is absolved from provided they never do it again. If Koli's grooming minors, she needs to be dealt with in a serious (within reason/law) manner. It's not something you use as content for months and then say "Oh I just hope she changes" and that's that. Koli's ignorance on social issues is something that could be handled that way. But her actively being inappropriate towards minors isn't.

I also think that if people in this community were actually taking Koli's behavior seriously, they'd possibly be reporting her to authorities, and would definitely be trying to get bigger eyes on her conduct, such as by seeking out bigger, "real" Youtubers who do commentary on internet predators and other such situations. Such as Someordinarygamers, MoistCr1TiKaL, etc. But I think Steph specifically, doesn't do this because she's not the most up-to-date person on internet culture and doesn't know to seek these people out. I'll cut her some slack there. But it is what it is.

On the other hand to all this, I also find it irritating that Steph thinks she can call the community to arms. First of all, it's entitled. Second of all, it's hypocritical. Back before she personally had an issue with Roadhog, she actually said on Twitter that she didn't' want to get involved in AZ's Crowd's conflicts with the likes of Blackwolf, etc. She spent pretty much the entire time AZ was dealing with RH, not saying sht about him herself, and eventually went on to tell the community that she wasn't going to talk about him and didn't think anyone else should either. Now yeah, there IS something to said about ignoring him but that wasn't her call. She wasn't going through it with him. She wanted everyone to talk about her issues with Kalista and Tyra, but she didn't want to talk about someone much worse. She was simple ACCUSED of crimes. Ren supposedly had an actual false police report filed against him, implicating him in wanting to have someone offed. But she didn't want anyone talking about that.

And despite the fact that she said she wasn't going to cover him, she wasn't above using drama involving him against other people SHE had conflicts with. Up to using CPS investigations in which he was apparently cleared, to basically accuse Dena of being friends with a child abuser. How is that okay? I get that Steph may not have known that Rh was cleared in those investigations, but that doesn't make it better. That would just mean that she didn't do her due diligence before running her mouth about something, and it wouldn't be the only time she's done something like that either.

In her most recent Koli stream, Steph decided to take issue with something Koli was saying about a certain influencer (or something) even though by her own admission, she didn't know what Koli was talking about or why. She just automatically decided Koli was wrong about it, saying something to the effect of "This is just Koli's brain". And again, that's not the first time she's done sht like that. Pretty much every person she's defended against Tyra, she was doing so based on information that was limited, either because she didn't actually know the full context or because she was deliberately omitting it. Either way, that's not good. That's not the behavior of someone with any kind of journalistic fairness or integrity, which I would think one needs in order to be a commentary creator.

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On the subject of how Steph is going to be quitting Youtube "soon"... I'll believe it when I see it because that's the third time she's made such a declaration. She said she was done with the community the first time way back in 2021 when she said everyone was all "weirdos and liars". She said it again at the end of 2023, when she called everyone indefensible dogsh*t, but was back a month or so later basically vowing to surveil Koli ad infinitum. So I'm not going to take it too seriously that she's saying she's going to quit now.

[mkarchin713]

For me the worst parts were the bad aides. If you had a good aide in the classroom everything was fine but if you gave a bad aide everything can go to pot, Especially when they both treat you like a little kid who has to be corrected all the time and punish you for acting like your neurotypical peers.

I remember this one aide I had in high school, let’s call her Mrs. Q, who caused more meltdowns than she stopped, her actions even led me to my first ever detention.

I was in German class and we had ended the lesson a bit early so everyone was prepping for the bell. I turn around to grab my backpack and find some kid standing on it. I sternly tell him to get off my backpack, he does, end of problem, at least my problem with him anyway.

Next thing I know Mrs. Q is dragging me into the hallway and lecturing me about telling a kid to get off my backpack. She’s going in metaphorical circles about how I was rude and my behavior was, in her eyes, inappropriate.

Now I’m just standing there thinking that she’s nuts. I asked a kid, perhaps harshly, to get off my backpack, it wasn’t like I was throwing a tantrum or yelling at him. As far as I was concerned I did what any neurotypical teen would have done if they found someone standing on their stuff. Apparently acting like a neurotypical teenager when you have Autism was a bad thing in Mrs. Q’s eyes.

Now I’m getting frustrated with her nagging and just want this pointless conversation to end. Lo and behold the bell rings and I need to get to my next class. I turn to leave and she yells at me more. She is making a huge scene and all I want to do is get to the other end of the building so I won’t be late.

What I did next could be considered inappropriate but understandable.

I called her a bitch and walked away.

Now despite the fact that I had been taught since elementary school that if I was in this kind of situation with another student to walk away, I will admit that calling Mrs. Q a bitch (a descriptor her immediate supervisor and colleagues agreed was accurate) was wrong and I got my first detection for it.

Luckily this was the straw that broke the camels back and my mom got involved. This led to Mrs. Q to be forbidden from working with me ever again.

The special ed teacher realizes pretty quickly that the amount of meltdowns I would have a week dropped considerably without Mrs. Q breathing down my neck and over correcting me.

It’s been almost 15 years since this happened and it still affects me.

Mrs. Q often treated me like I was stupid and expected me to act a certain way. When I didn’t act the way she thought I should she would lecture me, even if I was simply acting like a normal kid. I was (for a lack of better words) on the “higher” end of the autism spectrum but she treated me like I was (for lack of a better term) on the “lower” end of the spectrum.

I tried so hard to mask during school and then I was told by someone who was supposed to be helping me that not only was my masking not good enough, but that by masking I was behaving badly. She basically wanted me to not be neurodivergent and at the same time not act like a neurotypical teenager either. I think what she wanted was me to be a passive figure who always did as they were told and never questioned anything (for a kid who literally had to write all their questions in a notebook and ask them after class, and was originally, and wrongly, diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder because I told the guy testing me he was wrong, this was an impossibility).

I hated being infantilized and, to my eternal regret, did everything I could to avoid being associated with kids on the (for lack of a better word) “lower” end of the spectrum. Looking back my behavior towards them was harsh and intolerant, I will not pretend it wasn’t, but I was so desperate to be treated like normal that I lashed out at those who would understand what I was going through.

Even now I still don’t tell everyone I’m autistic just to avoid being treated like Mrs. Q treated me. I will only tell people I feel comfortable with, usually after seeing that I am a smart and capable person, or if they are already part of the Special Ed and autism community.

“Autistic people need special accommodations” and “autistic people should not be infantilized and talked down to” are schools of though that can and should co-exist.