#and everything else feels a little alienating now . even being with my family or friends

[reliquiaria]

can’t wait for december to come i’m way too tired for this shit . also i feel insanely guilty for neglecting this account moots please i do not love you any less i’m just constantly zoned out and unable to type out something comprehensible

[goldfades]

★ THE HARD DECISIONS LEAD TO THE GREATEST REWARDS ─── prologue

─ pairing | paige bueckers x fem!reader

─ word count | 2.4k words

─ warnings | unedited, some angst, coach misunderstandings and the feeling of being alienated, transfer-talk, nothing else? little r and p content but this is just the foundation, there will be a lot more coming!

─ ev's notes | as you guys know (OBVIOUSLY) my inbox is open for thoughts on this series and i'd love to know what you think so far, and maybe ideas for future chapters or even the plot itself since i don't have everything figured out just yet. anyways, hope you enjoy this prologue! ily all! mwah mwah

⇨ missing out on updates? check out the masterlist for my series!

May 2022

In a surprising turn of events, collegiate basketball powerhouse UConn has just secured a major coup with the addition of Y/N L/N to their roster. Y/N, once hailed as one of the brightest prospects in the 2021 recruiting class, has announced her decision to transfer from Arizona to UConn.

The news of Y/N's transfer from Arizona to UConn has sent shockwaves through the community, sparking speculation and excitement about the impact she will have on her new team. The timing of Y/N's decision, coming just weeks after the Wildcat's loss to UConn in the NCAA tournament, has led some to speculate about the impact of that defeat on her choice to transfer.

At UConn, Y/N will join a storied basketball program led by legendary coach Geno Auriemma. The Huskies, known for their tradition of excellence and strong team culture, offer Y/N the opportunity for a fresh start and a chance to rediscover her passion for the game.

"We're thrilled to welcome Y/N to the UConn family," says head coach Geno Auriemma. "She's a dynamic player with a bright future ahead of her, and we can't wait to see what she brings to the team."

──

March 2022

The buzzer echoed throughout the court and the UConn girls cheered loudly as they ran up to their teammates on the bench. You felt a lump form in your throat as you swallowed back the tears, your emotions threatening to overwhelm you.

Slumping onto the bench, you buried your face in your hands, the sting of tears threatening to overwhelm you. It wasn't just about the loss, though that certainly stung ─ it was the culmination of months of frustration, of feeling like you were fighting an uphill battle with no end in sight.

You had come to the U of A with high hopes and big dreams, but somewhere along the way, it had all started to unravel. Your coach, once a source of inspiration, now felt like an obstacle standing in the way of your growth. And the teammates, once friends and supposed allies, now seemed more like strangers, each focused solely on their own ambitions.

Inside the locker room, the atmosphere was heavy. Players sat in silence, their faces reflecting a mixture of disappointment and frustration. Coach Johnson's voice cut through the silence, his words measured and deliberate as he addressed the team.

"Look, we gave it our all out there," he began, his tone firm. "But sometimes, the game just doesn't go our way. That's fine, there's always next year and we'll come back strong. Practice is still on for tomorrow morning, 5am to 9am"

Coach Johnson's announcement of another early morning practice felt like a punch to the gut. It was a reminder of everything that had gone wrong, of the sacrifices you had made in pursuit of a dream that no longer felt like your own.

As your teammates exchanged weary glances, you felt a surge of frustration rising within you. Was this all there was to it? Endless hours of practice, sacrifices made in pursuit of a goal that felt increasingly out of reach?

As the team dispersed, heading back to their dorms and apartments, you lingered in the locker room, the weight of the decision you had been wrestling with growing heavier with each passing moment. It wasn't just about one tough loss or a grueling practice schedule ─ it was about reclaiming your sense of purpose, your love for the game that had once been your escape.

"Fuck," you grumbled as you felt the tears fall. You sniffled as you got up from the bench, reaching for your backpack as you began walking out of the locker-room.

You heard the court doors open and some laughter, you held your breath as you ignored the annoyance that filled your stomach. You focused on your feet as you walked, not really watching where you were heading until─you collided with someone, jolting you out of your reverie.

"Oh shit, my bad," the blonde's voice echoed as she glanced at her teammates, giving you a thin lipped smile as she recognized you from the game. She was wearing a UConn jersey as she steadied you with a hand on your shoulder. "Sorry,"

You nodded quickly, wiping your eyes and trying to compose yourself. "You're good," you muttered, avoiding her gaze.

The blonde hesitated for a moment before offering a genuine smile. "Hey, you're a good player. We were all impressed out there. Keep your head up."

You managed a small smile in return. "Thanks."

As she rejoined her teammates and they disappeared down the hallway, you felt a strange mixture of emotions ─ regret for the loss, but also a flicker of hope from her unexpected kindness.

──

"What are you suggesting?" You asked as you met Coach Lindsay's gaze, your expression confused as she sighed ─ you knew what she was suggesting. "A transfer?"

Lindsay nodded, her expression somber. "I hate to say it, Y/N, but I think it might be the best option for you," she said, her voice gentle but firm. "It's clear that things haven't been working out here at Arizona. The coach, the team dynamic and now the whole Alyssa thing... it's all been weighing you down."

You let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through your hair. The idea of transferring had been lingering in the back of your mind for weeks now, but hearing it spoken aloud made it feel all too real.

"I just don't know if I can do it," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper. "I've put so much into this program. Leaving feels like admitting defeat."

Lindsay reached out and placed a hand on your shoulder, her touch reassuring. "It's not about admitting defeat, Y/N. It's about taking control of your own happiness. You deserve to be somewhere where you can thrive, where you can be supported and valued for who you are."

Her words struck a chord deep within you. For too long, you had allowed yourself to be consumed by the expectations of others, sacrificing your own well-being in pursuit of a dream that no longer felt attainable.

Lindsay hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I'm not supposed to say anything but I've heard talk about UConn being interested in you. They've got a great program, and Coach Geno is one of the best. All you have to do is agree and just trust in the process, babe."

"UConn?" you repeated, the word feeling foreign yet oddly enticing on your tongue.

Lindsay nodded, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips. "Yeah. I mean, nothing's set in stone, but it could be worth exploring. Just think about it, Y/N. You will get drafted to the WNBA if you are at a powerhouse like UConn, especially with your talent."

You couldn't believe it ─ your own assistant coach was telling you to transfer. Was your situation at Arizona truly as bad as Lindsay seemed to suggest? You glanced around the locker room, the familiar sights and sounds suddenly feeling suffocating. Had it really come to this? Were things truly as toxic as they seemed, or were you just overreacting?

As you thought about her words, memories of the past few months flooded your mind ─ the grueling practices, the weird relationships (if you could even call them that) with teammates, the constant pressure to perform. Each moment felt like a weight dragging you down, sapping away your passion and drive.

And yet, amidst the uncertainty, there was a glimmer of hope. The possibility of a fresh start at UConn, of rediscovering your love for the game and reaching your full potential felt right.

Lindsay's voice broke through your thoughts, pulling you back to the present. "I know it's a lot to take in, Y/N. But sometimes, the hardest decisions lead to the greatest rewards. Just trust in yourself and follow your heart."

"Maybe you're right," you admitted, the words feeling like a weight lifted from your shoulders. "Maybe it's time for a change."

Lindsay smiled, her eyes shining with pride. "I'm proud of you, Y/N. It takes courage to admit when something isn't working and to take steps to change it. Whatever you decide, just know that I'll be here to support you every step of the way."

🚨 ESPN | BREAKING: Top Prospect Y/N L/N Commits to UConn Transfer 🚨 Y/N L/N, widely regarded as one of the most promising players in the 2021 recruiting class, joins UConn with high expectations. With UConn's storied basketball program and renowned head coach Geno Auriemma at the helm, Y/N's transfer promises to shake up the landscape of women's college basketball.

You glanced down at the notification on your phone, a nervous knot forming in the pit of your stomach. The news of your transfer had spread like wildfire, and now, seeing it plastered across the screen of your phone, it felt all too real.

You took a deep breath, reminding yourself of the reasons behind your decision to transfer. The toxic atmosphere at Arizona, the strained relationships with teammates, the relentless pressure from coaches ─ it had all taken its toll, slowly suffocating your love for the game.

But now, with the opportunity to join UConn, you felt a flicker of hope reignite within you. Here was a chance for a fresh start, a chance to rediscover your passion for basketball and thrive in an environment where your talents would be appreciated and nurtured.

──

"Okay, listen up!" Coach Geno's voice echoed throughout the room, earning the attention of the girls on the team. You stood by the shorter man and somehow, you still felt small underneath his towering presence.

"As you all know," Coach Geno continued, his eyes scanning the faces of each player, "we've got a new addition to the team. Y/N, I want you to know that you're not just joining a team here at UConn ─ you're joining a family. We look out for each other, we support each other, and we push each other to be the best we can be."

"You guys all already know who she is, I know you did your research." His lips quirked up into a small smile as the girls exchanged amused glances within the team. A ripple of laughter spread through the room at his remark, breaking the tension and easing the nerves that had been swirling in your stomach.

"As for you, Y/N," Coach Geno continued, turning his attention back to you, "I want you to know that we're thrilled to have you here. Your talent speaks for itself, but what's even more important is your commitment to the team and your willingness to work hard."

As Coach Geno's words sank in, you couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement mixed with a hint of nervousness. Being welcomed into the UConn family by none other than Coach Geno himself was an honor beyond words.

With Coach Geno's words echoing in your mind, you joined your teammates in a huddle, ready to embark on this new chapter of your life. And as the team broke apart with a chant, you couldn't help but feel a surge of anticipation for the season ahead.

──

"And uh, don't eat Azzi's protein bars. She gets angry when she doesn't get her gainz," Paige remarked as Azzi sent her a glare. Everyone at the table giggled at that as you nodded, glancing toward Azzi.

Azzi sighed. "I think that's like common courtesy, P. Y/N knows better than that,"

"Of course, Azzi. I'll make sure to steer clear of your protein bars," you replied with a playful grin, earning a relieved smile from Azzi in return.

"What else..." Paige hummed as she ate chewed on her food, glancing around the table.

"Oh wait, I got one. If Coach tells you to run suicides, just do them without complaining," Aaliyah chimed in, her tone teasing but with a hint of seriousness.

"And make sure you hydrate," Nika added with a smirk, raising her water bottle in emphasis. "Especially during those conditioning drills Coach loves to throw at us."

As laughter erupted around the table, you couldn't help but feel a sense of camaraderie and belonging among your new teammates. "Of course, of course."

"And don't come to practice hungover, Coach will notice and he'll force everyone to run laps," Paige added as she shivered, earning a laugh from Aubrey. "Better for everyone if you just skip,"

"I think you need that advice more than anyone, Paige," Aubrey added as she nudged Paige playfully, eliciting more laughter from the group.

Paige mock-glared at Aubrey before joining in the laughter herself. "Hey, I've learned my lesson the hard way. Trust me, nobody wants to run laps hungover. I'm tryna make sure she doesn't get too carried away, she's from U of A, that's like party central."

You shrugged, a smile playing on your lips. "She's not wrong, if there's one thing I'll miss it'll be the insane parties at Kappa Sigma."

"Ooh, so you're a frat girly?" Aaliyah teased, raising an eyebrow playfully as she leaned in with interest.

You laughed, shaking your head. "Not exactly. Frat boys aren't really my thing," you smiled as you looked down at your plate. "Neither are guys, really."

Paige hummed in response as she smirked, raising her cup in a mock toast as Aaliyah's eyebrows shot up in surprise, but her expression quickly softened into understanding. "Ah, got it. Well, good thing UConn has plenty of other things to offer besides frat parties."

"Yeah, like winning championships," Nika chimed in with a grin, nudging you playfully. "And having the best teammates in the world," she continued, earning a chorus of laughs and "awws".

"Look at Nika getting all sappy," Paige mocked as Nika sent her a glare, earning another round of laughter from the table.

Nika rolled her eyes but couldn't hide the smile tugging at her lips. "Okay, shut up Paige,"

"No, you first."

"I asked first, Paige."

"I don't care, shut up."

"No, you-"

"Okay, that's enough." Azzi sent you a thin-lipped smile as you laughed, enjoying the playful banter between Paige and Nika.

You felt yourself settle into the team more and more with each passing moment, the laughter and camaraderie of your teammates easing any lingering nerves or doubts. As you listened to their stories and shared your own, you couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging wash over you.

These were your teammates, your friends, your family away from home. And as you laughed and joked with them, you knew that you had found a place where you truly belonged.

↳ make sure to check out my navigation or masterlist if you enjoyed! any interaction is greatly appreciated !

↳ thank you for reading all the way through, as always ♡

[thevoidtrainstation]

An Alert

info: this takes place during the VDC, and it's first person.

Also, please tell me if I didn't tag this properly.

Warnings: angst, with a pinch of comfort

word count: 700

Watching them perform from backstage was simultaneously enjoyable yet lonely. Looking between my friends and the crowd singing a lullaby (double check that) so well known it transcends countries, cultures, and languages, no matter how reminiscent or similar it is to songs I know, I just don’t know it. How can a song transcend planets, realities, and dimensions; it can’t. I’m the only one who doesn’t know it, not including the dire beast known as Grim, the only one who’s as clueless about this world as I am, even though he’s from it. Truly, moments such as these make me realize how much of an alien I am.  I’m the sole magicless student in a magic school. I was just about to start college because I graduated early from high school, and now here I am a high school freshman again, in a completely different reality, dimension. This whole thing has been a double-edged sword: being transported to a magical reality is any fantasy reader’s dream come true, but all the unknowns about what’s happening at home and the moments of realization about the massive cultural divides between me and everyone else is unpleasant, to say the least. However, seeing the joy on their faces right now, especially after everything that happened today, makes me treasure these moments and my new friends. My new friends are doing so much to make me feel a part of this place, showing me the “most important” movies, TV shows, and music to catch up on pop culture. Though I feel hollow at times due to the differences between this world and my own, they always manage to fill in that hole a bit. As I focus my mind back on their performance, my breath catches and my body freezes. The unmistakable sound of an emergency alert rings from MY PHONE. My phone, the one that I had on me when I arrived here, the very one that nothing worked on, but what was already downloaded onto it.  With shaking hands I pull out my phone, with much trepidation. Why was it working now? Was it able to connect back to my world, or is it connecting to something here? What’s the alert? If I wasn’t already sitting, I would’ve fallen onto the floor.  “Emergency Alert: incoming atomic bomb, please go to nearest shelter….” In this world of magic, nuclear power and warfare don’t exist: I checked. Trembling, and with deep breaths, I manage to unlock my phone, my eyes darting between the red dots on my messenger, the voicemail, and the news app, all of which hadn’t had that little red dot since I came here.  I go to my family group chat and text “Im safe and healthy calling mom.” As the phone rings, I  bolt to one of the backrooms in the stadium, locking the door behind me. The next couple of minutes blur together as I Facetime my mom, who’s with the rest of my family, explaining what happened to me and asking what's happening there. Raspy broken voices and tears aren’t acknowledged as we catch up and exchange “I love you’s”. The call disconnects, I call again, and again no answer. I call my other family, but the calls aren’t going through. I call my friends, but the calls aren’t going through still. I try every messenger app on my phone.  Nothing. There’s nothing. No connection, no way to reach them, no way to reach anyone.   It was how it was when I got here. The only thing that remains on my phone is what was already downloaded onto it.  I let out a soul-shivering wail. I drop my phone and curl up onto the couch clenching my knees to my chest and burying in my head as I sob.  The nuclear apocalypse happened, and I missed it… The doorknob jiggles.  The door temples as it’s banged on, and rammed against. The nuclear apocalypse happened, There’s no home to go back to... The door flies off its hinges.  I continue to mourn the death of my planet, my home, my life, my family as I feel arms wrap around me.

[igglemouse]

What's Going On In The Iggleverse?!

Hi! Hello there! So I know one of the concerns for my legacy is it can be a lot! I always want to emphasize for anyone that goes "Oooh this looks cool but it's too late in!" it is not! NEVAR! Just jump in and if you are ever confused I'll be happy to answer any questions!

So what is this post?! I guess this is just a weekly wrap up post to help everyone keep up with things and also just a chance to summarize things!

So let us start!

We start with Gracelyn as she was mostly featured last week and while it is only her 2nd episode there is a lot going on in her story! Right now, she seems to have a love interest that is tied to her destiny in some form or fashion? Is it love or is it something else?! Well, they certainly are digging on each other what ever it is!

It helps that Niklas, the man who seems to be her fated lover, seems to do everything right! He's happy to help her do chores even when he doesn't live with her...yet!

But Gracelyn has other worries. For instance, her dear friend, Valerie Van Vilet, AKA Triple V, AKA V, AKA Vee, AKA VVV...invites her out to witness some magical ritual or some other crazy event. Gracelyn, a spellcaster not allowed to practice magic, is eager to go see what's going on...

And once there she not only witnesses her friend chanting and practicing some form of magic and she also meets a mysterious robed figure named Alana Thayer. Alana claims to be from the Matlock Society, a ermmm...well, club, that is dedicated to practicing alternate forms of magic. It's also a club named after Gracelyn's family, she is Gracelyn Matlock, after all.

She really isn't sure what to make of the whole thing just that it is someway connected to her. It is not the last time we will hear from the Matlock Society that is for sure! She's also dealing with being watched by The Realm itself AAAND by a vampire as well. She has a lot going on and Episode 3, titled Spellbound, is not too far away!

As for Frida, who is currently expecting, she's not dealing with vampires or sorcery or anything of the sort but that doesn't mean things are all peachy!

Her friend, Irene, is hoping to start her own restaurant but the problem is she's quite broke. She's been searching for an investor, someone to foot the bill while she runs the place and hopes that Frida will help but she's been having issues with finding one that the last guy she met seemed more interested in investing INTO her and not into her business...

But as for Frida?! She's happily expecting and you know what...we might meet a future heir very very soon! I'm excited, now only if she could get Pascal excited about it too...

In other Iggleverse news here is a banner you will be seeing soon as Zer will be making her out of this world debut! Every heir has a theme and vibe and hers is basically goofiness. The banner kind of gives me a Nickelodeon vibe and maybe she's like a once little green alien that was obsessed with taking over the world...

BUT that's not all...

There will indeed be a 4th heir, an idea I've thought of for a while and one that I feel like is necessary. One, because I want to do it and two...because I want to do it! One thing is I really enjoy playing normal sims too and while Gracelyn's story and vibe will be a bit darker and more twisted...and Zer's will be silly and stuff..I'd like another normal sim like Frida to balance things out. It will also assure that when there is a heir vote I can still do the old rules of I pick one heir and the rest you all vote for! Also yes, the heir is a she. I'm biased, I like playing women!

This heir is in Early Development though and I'm sure once I start playing them I'll have a banner and posts for it all!

Any ways! This kind of weekly wrap up was fun to do so expect more of it!

[simslegacy5083]

NSB (Straud Legacy) Gen 9 Ep 87: A Reality Check

Their classes didn’t make it easy to schedule, but Luigi and Noemi arranged an appointment with a therapist shortly after their heart to heart.

For Luigi their first session couldn’t come soon enough. Even after the initial shock wore off, all kinds of fears around fatherhood had his heart and head all tangled up. He had no idea how to straighten them out and was afraid that trying to do it himself might cost him Noemi forever.

So, when Dr. Velasquez greeted them at her office in uptown and invited them to “jump right into it”, he didn’t need to be asked twice!

He started to explain the worries that had been troubling him, the Doctor’s calm prompts helping him put individual concerns into clear words one at a time. Some of them surprised even him, like when he confessed that the pregnancy seemed suspicious.

Asked to clarify, he explained that he’d been so good about using protection and Noemi had said she had an IUD too. Then she got pregnant right after they had been a bit too busy with school to “get busy” for a little while. The therapist said “Unplanned pregnancies bring out those fears in a lot of sims, even when they're completely unfounded. Fortunately, a simple paternity test can prove the baby you’re expecting really is the start of your legacy, and no-one else's.”

Luigi stiffened at the word “legacy”, while Noemi was taken aback by the topic in general. “Do you really think I lied about my IUD, or about being exclusive, and I blew off classes to woohoo with someone else in the few hours we haven’t been together this semester!?”

Luigi turned to her with an unusually intense expression. “I trust you, and more importantly I love you. I want to raise this baby with you, whether it’s an alien from Sixam, a slow grower from that Jairo guy you were seeing just recently, or a strong swimmer of mine who was really good at punching through rubber.”

She still looked hurt and confused as he continued, “There’s just so much I’m not sure about right now. Getting a firm answer on where this baby came from would be one less unknown in a world that feels like it’s suddenly trying to change everything all at once.”

He looked at Dr. Velasquez. “I’m in this for the long haul, but what you said earlier about my legacy… if I’m going to accept this kid as the next legacy heir of my family, I have to be sure its my biological child.”

As the others looked at him in confusion, he felt a rush of embarrassment. Taking a deep breath, he launched into the explanation of watchers, legacies, and his own “special status” as it had been explained to him by his papa.

The therapist’s professionally interested expression was stable as a rock while he rambled on, but Noemi seemed to zone out into her own thoughts until suddenly she snapped, interrupting him angrily.

“Luigi, just stop! I know you’re self-absorbed but thinking that you are literally the only sim that matters in the whole of SimNation?! You know that sounds pants on head crazy, right? That hasn’t escaped your notice??”

Dr. Velasquez cleared her throat. “It’s not crazy to consider yourself the main character of your own story, but have you ever heard of sonder?”

When Luigi shook his head, she told him “It’s a term that describes the realization that every sim is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, with their own ambitions, friends, routines, and worries. There are countless epic stories continuing seamlessly all around you, all the time. In those stories you might appear only once, if at all, as an “extra” sipping coffee in the background.”

She reached over to her desk, searching out a small card, which she handed him. “It’s wonderful that your papa thought you and your father were the most special sims in the nation, but holding that same belief about yourself puts you at risk of devaluing others and may make it hard to participate fully in healthy, loving relationships. There are some videos and readings listed here that I strongly suggest you review, maybe together with Noemi.”

Luigi looked over to find his girl had turned away towards the opposite wall, her judgment coming through as clearly as if she was still yelling at him.

The rest of the session covered much less controversial topics. Dr. Velasquez encouraged Luigi to attend Noemi’s OB appointments as a way to show support and bond with their baby to be. She also suggested they make a team project of telling all their family and friends the good news.

Luigi wasn’t worried about his clan. They all liked Noemi, and he was certainly old enough to have a baby even if the timing was terrible, but Noemi’s face paled. She’d been so overwhelmed adjusting to the idea of motherhood, she hadn’t even considered that Luigi would be meeting her parents for the very first time not just as her boyfriend but as the father of their grandchild. It was a whole new angle for her social anxiety to fret over.

The therapist provided some tips on handling the meetings before setting a follow up appointment to check in with them next trimester. Neither sim broke the awkward silence as they left her office, but both secretly felt this visit had been much more painful and less helpful than they had hoped.

View The Full Story of My Not So Berry Challenge Here

[generouskittentidalwave]

Hamster and Gretel, oh boy..

Now we are gonna move past the unforgivable and horrendous act of this series being greenlit and given a second season immediately over giving us more Murphy's Law which, unless this show proves it's worth, I will not be forgiving anytime soon, but anyway let's talk about the actual show itself.

It's honestly not that bad. The more I watch it the more I find myself enjoying Gretel and Kevin's relationship and of course Kevin is the TRUE protag of the story (no one will convince me otherwise, we all know it's true), his character is PEAK. I genuinely like the songs, hamster is amazing and Fred is a MOOD. I like the concept of an alien species giving someone powers and then also creating villains for them to fight as well. It's actually a pretty cool concept and makes you wonder what is more at play here. I also LOVE the songs, as usual Dan's shows produce hella bangers. I also love the relationships and dynamics between all the characters.

HOWEVER

I like that they made Kevin the center focus but I'm gonna be frank, I DO NOT like Gretel as a character (so far, this is obviously subject to change as the series goes on). First of all Gretel's face makes me hella uncomfortable everytime I take a second to look at her. Her smile doesn't have any emotional weight behind it so it loses all meaning (with her character in general being as bland as white bread with no crusts, but I do respect the accurate ADHD they added to her character) and on top of that her smile is so unnaturally wide and her eyes are so big and she sticks out like a sore thumb amongst her friends and family to the point it feels uncomfortable. I get they wanted to make her overly cute but that's less cute and more reaching into uncanny valley.

Milo's wholesome smile and character was optimistic and cute, so was Isabella's, even their pets. But Gretel? I'm sorry but it looks like she is staring into my ever waking soul and plotting my demise as we speak. I'm a younger sister myself and I understand where they were going with her character, believe me, but OH MY GOD can she GRIND MY GEARS sometimes with her character and choices.

They made such a good realistically optimistic and calm yet still remorseful and caring character when it came to Milo, they treated it all with care and gave his gentle smile towards his shitty situation so much weight but with Gretel they made her optimism intentionally over the top with no other parts of her character aside from her having ADHD and nothing else, along with the fact she normally succeeds in nearly everything she does, and rarely ever see her need or try to fix mistakes she'd made on her own, and all this makes it to the point that she just feels- soulless to me and I don't like it. It rubs me the wrong way. I love the ADHD representation but they could've done a hella a lot better with her character as a whole, especially with her being a character meant to represent and inspire others.

I stand by what I said that people need to stop treating optimistic characters in media as a bad thing and projecting their issues onto them, but it's a different story when you have a character who is completely hollow and only has an over the top amount of optimism to the point it becomes boring and diminishing because that's all they are. I'm sorry but her character, to me, is like the embodiment of a children's song that is so repetitive you wanna replace your ears with cotton balls.

This show has so much potential and I love so SO many things about it, but they still have A LOT of work to do, especially with one of the heroines of the story. Here's to hoping season 2 will, hopefully, be better than the first one and they'll patch some things up at bit.

And no, her being a little sister doesn't justfy her character as in both pnf and mml they main characters were younger siblings and they were not like this, at all.

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[fincalss]

I love my sister

but I hate always feeling like the ugly, fat, disappointing little sister. Always being outshined by her thin, pretty image and genuinely wonderful personality.

I’ve always been the weirder one, the less empathetic and sensitive one, the one who got the bad features and has different opinions than everyone else. I’m more introverted and my personality hasn’t much to offer. I’m always the more distant one and it’s even become a family joke how nobody ever has any pictures of me so on the family calendar it’s the same repeated 2 pictures of me over and over again.

But my sister was the girl in high school who everyone knew, she had a massive friend group of like 12 people and was always out doing stuff and going to parties. Even now she has that same friend group and goes out all the time. Everyone she meets seems to love her. She shines. She’s so good at talking, her humor is so seamless and she can so easily be herself. She was chubby in high school but then she got an Ed in collage and now she’s so thin and pretty, her waist is so tiny and face is perfect. She literally modeled for a bridal company.

Whenever I meet people she knows I can always see it on their face when they meet me, I’m disappointing. My shy slightly awkward first impression always leaves a similar look on all their faces, not a rude expression , just disappointed. Disappointed I’m not as pretty and out going as my sister. Even my family is like that too, my sister stays in touch often and knows everything that goes on but I don’t. I hardly know anything about my family and when I do see them they always seem disappointed by how different I am from my sister.

I love her so much and crave to be in her presence but when I am there’s a feeling like I’m an alien, I look and feel like an alien when I’m next to her. I wish I could live up to her sister and be half the person she is but I know I never will.

[capcavan]

ok hi the anon who did the long rant about riko's role in the narrative returning because your comparison with riko and homelander just hit me who riko reminds me of so much, and i'm going to go full anime nerd and talk to you about yugioh zexal and iv (pronounced four). because iv is a lot of what riko should have been in my eyes. he is only around for a handful of episodes, is rival to the heroes so is never allowed to win when it actually means something, but the writers knew exactly what they were doing with him. a masterclass in quick and effect characterisation of a charismatic, media darling champion who's actually just really pathetic and lashing out at everyone because his dad is an insane alien child (that makes sense in context) and who is also an actual threat. and a lot of this is because the writers did what nora didn't and leaned hard into both aspects of him. even in a world of ham like yugioh, iv is one of the biggest, fanservice is literally his motto, and his performances are so over the top. they let him lean fully into his media persona and charm and show us him doing that, and how well it fools everyone to the point where the heroes and their friends actually start to sway to his side over their other friend who has history with iv's worse side. and when he snaps into villain mode he is in full villain mode, digging into people's weaknesses, toying with them, having carefully laid plans in duels and out to let people think they're in control when they've been doing what he wants from the start, torturing people's 8yo little brothers in front of them. and then when he gets pathetic he gets really pathetic and loses him temper and that is his trigger to let his plans fall apart, because his dad doesn't trust him despite being the only one left standing and the most capable and having given up everything to become the best and fulfil his father's plans for him, he literally set a girl and himself on fire one time because his dad told him it was for the best, and his dad still chooses someone else in the end, iv's temper snaps and he start making obvious misplays to drag out the torture when he could have won cleanly. now admittedly iv gets a full redemption "arc" (read: three episodes where hey he's on our side now because bigger threat) in the second half of the show, but he was beloved well before that and his only moment of redemption during the first half was a single line asking the heroes to save his family before disappearing for the next fifty episodes. and this feels so much like what riko could/should have been. someone who could play the media, who was fun to watch, who could formulate reasonable plans and who was in the end done in by his own flaws, and with a clear core motive, even if it's complex in how it's shown.

Can't believe villian expert anon just suplexed me into watching yo hi yoh in year of 2024. I read this whole message on one breath and it truly sounds amazing.

Just this is also what we are missing because this is what the fanfiction could have been but instead all works of fiction in this fandom boil down to making him not only bad person but also badly written character.

[0-crow-carnival-0]

Your woy OC's are so pretty neat, got any LORE™

Yeah, I do have lore! Only 3 of them have lore so far and I've been procrastinating on giving the other ones lore.

(Just gonna put the "keep reading" thing here)

Here's the lore for Zeki, Dino, and Noir. A lot of it was rushed because I just wanted to get it all out of my head, just throw it in the pot and hope it works so I apologize if some things don't make sense. (I'm just gonna copy paste it here). Ps: I don't consider myself good at making lore so yeah...

█████████████████████████████████

—Zeki

Zeki tends to sometimes have a condescending tone in the way he speaks when around strangers depending on how they present themselves in front of him, pretending to care even though he doesn't, he only shows care to those he has known more often or to his friends. Some don't know too much about him, when people ask him about the staples on his mouth, he just comes up with an excuse and calls it a freak accident, nor do people know about his family, not even Zeki himself knows. The food Zeki eats is somewhat normal, but sometimes when he feels like it, he goes after an alien or someone of his own kind and eats them leaving nothing but bones, which his slit mouth becomes useful, you can say Zeki may be a bit of a cannibal. The reason for his slit mouth was him getting himself into some unknown business he had no part in causing him to get tormented in the process while being told that he should smile more often. Zeki did manage to escape that situation with a bunch of bruises and a sliced up mouth which did bleed a lot. Now in present time, he lives in a mansion with guards and everything on a planet filled with crime prone cities and slightly more peaceful small towns, still a cannibal that most people label as a psycho, Zeki, sitting on his throne, always wonders how he got here alive while smoking.

█████████████████████████████████

—Dimo

For some part of his life, he grew up with sweet parents until he bit his mother, it was supposed to be his way of showing love but it ended up killing her, Dimo couldn't control his venom at the time so he was always confused as to why his mother died. After she died, the father started lashing out on him, constantly picking on his body and saying how he would never be as pretty as anyone else which led to Dimo having scars on his body growing up, it's already bad enough that they all had to hide in a cave so they didn't get murdered, the cure was probably out there but they wouldn't be able to get it. After so many years of dealing with his father, Dimo finally escapes, sneaking out of the cave and avoiding any strangers that were around. Now in present time, he snacks on fruits and small creatures he can find by using his webs to capture them, the strangers were scared of him at first but then they've gotten used to his presence. It was finally about time he left the cave, no home, but it's better than living with his father, the one who secretly had an unhealthy obsession with his own wife and projected his anger onto Dimo. He's free but still struggles to do basic things sometimes, mostly communication, so maybe one day he'll get better.

█████████████████████████████████

—Noir

A known old legend who was said to have died from a monster in the vast desert, comes back to continue his adventure of rebellion against a rotting city's dystopian laws, separating other aliens into factions based on their overall character, on a planet where it is mostly sand, and a little bit of forest here and there. Living in a harsh society was difficult for Noir as a child, surviving on scraps of food that the more appreciated factions wouldn't eat, but he managed. The only thing keeping him from going insane in all of those years was his family, who loved him for his bravery and thankful for the things he has done for them while their father was gone. Years later, they were finally sent to the sorting auditorium, while his family was sent to the faction of the kind, he was sent to the faction of the fierce. After giving his family kisses and hugs goodbye, Noir left to go to his faction's area. Several decades later, he was skilled and trained into being a gun slinger, wielding a .45 Long Colt revolver on his side. As he was sneaking around, he heard some of the leaders of their factions talking about having exterminations of the factionless, especially having it as a law that if you were without a faction, you will be killed, even if you are a child. This struck a nerve in Noir, which led him later on and into the present time to cease any plans the leaders would make against anyone they didn't approve of.

█████████████████████████████████

Unnecessary info dump here:

The whole staples/piercings thing with Zeki was because of some character in a Japanese horror(idk? I looked it up on Wikipedia) manga/film adaptation called Ichi the Killer(don't watch it if you're not used to excessive violence or cruelty) and one of the characters called Kakihara had the cool staples/piercings on his mouth so I just decided to give him that.

Idk what inspired me to make Dimo but the more I look at his hair, it slowly starts to remind me of Panty Anarchy's hair(yes, the blonde bitch from PASWG).

For Noir? I just thought that the cowboy theme would be cool, I guess Rattlesnake Jake may have come into play while making him but not really. Also, the lore was inspired by the book/movie series Divergent so yeah, there's that.

[slurrmp]

I posted 926 times in 2022

45 posts created (5%)

881 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@phoebehalliwell

@timelordgifs

@endlessinspos

@sundayrubyss

@iced-tea-possibly

I tagged 915 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#0 - 63 posts

#dw - 132 posts

#dw spoilers - 72 posts

#sw - 52 posts

#snw - 36 posts

#m. ramona reed. - 32 posts

#the master - 29 posts

#starscream - 28 posts

#s. ellie & starscream. - 28 posts

#m. elenore white. - 20 posts

Longest Tag: 92 characters

#look this was a piece i had written ages ago abt a different oc & a slightly different plot.

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

gdi please like this if you see it on dash &/or in the tag. I feel like I’m shadowbanned.

21 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

#4

oh no the urge to write, reader is in love with the doctor but they don’t tell them and it’s too late because yaz is as well -

31 notes - Posted January 2, 2022

#3

See the full post

40 notes - Posted November 20, 2022

#2

unrequited ✰ 13th doctor x reader. part one.

a/n: based on this little prompt i wrote back during the new years special. have fun with the angst because that apparently is all i can do now. also two fics in the span of at least six weeks? ahahahahahahaha, i just up and vanished again - really hope my writing funk disappears soon but like ... wygd. so this is part one, because i assignments i need to do and i just wanted to get this out there after a solid four month hiatus.

Have you ever had a crush on someone but you knew that it was almost impossible for you to do anything about it? Every time you saw them, those stupid, awful butterflies would form in the pit of your stomach and would proceed to fly all over the place and you felt like you would throw up? That your body would gravitate towards them without you even realising it, that everything they did you wanted to do as well? Well - that’s how you felt about the Doctor. You strongly knew you shouldn’t because of the whole being an alien and a gajillion years old thing  but it was just one big fucking mess. 

To say the least.

However, your little human heart couldn’t help it. Your human emotions would always get the better of you. Something the Master had relentlessly teased you about because he saw it before YOU even did. How that rat of a Time Lord saw it always confused you - he had said that it was in your eyes, but the man lied on a good day, so you never wanted to take his word for it. But - you had ended up trying your best to keep your emotions off your face after that. Though, that wasn’t even the most depressing part of the story. Your eyes would always lock on to her frame as she entered a room, watch as she’d float around the console. Your heart would speed up when she would explain plans with her hands and monologue about universes and tell stories (especially about that time she was struck by lightening having fun with Benjamin Franklin.) 

To be quite frank with yourself, you were disgusted by the way she made you feel. You had never really been big on having a partner. Never really wanted to be in a relationship - you liked being by yourself too much, hanging out with your family and friends and then coming home at the end of the night to peace and quiet - sleeping in a big bed only shared by your pet. Some would consider that sad, but you always knew that you preferred your own company to that of anyone else's. But traveling with the Doctor for more than a couple of months now, that all seemed to have changed. Your outlook on life had drastically shifted gear, considering the fact that you could probably DIE on these certain adventures - that anytime you stepped FOOT out of the TARDIS, your life was in the Doctor’s hands. You ended up making a will after the first near death experience with the Doctor you ever had. 

She made you feel like you could do anything, that you were invincible, that you couldn’t be hurt or touched - that you were under her protection. Then came the touches, the hugs, the hanging off you when telling a story. Holding hands and sharing clothes, being used as a human notepad. It was a really really bad crush (even as much as you tried to fool yourself). You had thought about telling her countless times but it never seemed like the right moment. The way she would look at you when you asked to speak to her but that all changed when Yaz entered the picture.

Yaz would always come and ruin it.

You loved Yaz, you promised you really did - it was the green eyed little alien that lived in the back of your head that made you hate to see her. They would always partner up when you were on a new planet. They would always be the first to have a moment. They would always be the ones to stay up late having tea and talking about the day.

It sucked. Majorly.

You would mumbled under your breath and just stay at the back of the pack. Graham and Ryan hardly noticed - they were too busy with their own lives to worry about yours. It was a shame that the Master was the only one to notice - that was until Dan came along. That’s when everything drastically changed. 

“You should tell her you know.” His voice had caused you to jump. You had been standing in the doorway to the console room - head peeking around the corner, watching the Doctor talk to Yaz about something. They were barely a foot apart, heads pressed together almost - looking down at the console.

“Jesus Daniel.” You complained hand coming to rest over your heart. His eyes narrowed at the name, he still hadn’t told you if that was his real name or not (you had been trying to guess his birth name for the last couple of weeks), but a smirk pulled at the corner of his lips, before his own arms crossed over his chest. 

“I’m just saying...” Your FULL name fell from his lips and a whine escaped your own. “You’re going to lose your chance.” head tilted in the direction of the console room. 

“I never had a chance.” Came the pitiful reply. Dan’s eyes narrowed again. He hadn’t been with the three of you for very long, but in the short spam of time, he had witnessed your TERRIBLE pining. Your longing looks and awful stuttering whenever you got too flustered. The older man snorted before patting you on the back. 

“You never know.” He pulled away stepping over the threshold of the console room with a wink, before he turned around and made his way up the stairs. You would as Yaz beamed at him and then drastically started retelling the story the Doctor had just told her. A groan left you, as you fell forward onto the wall once more, your head banging against it for a couple of seconds. Pulling away, you peeked around once more and watched the three of them. Eyes focusing on the Doctor. Her eyes had never once strayed from Yaz’s face, and that god awful heavy feeling in your chest reappeared. This is why you never did romance, never did love - never made yourself openly available to over people. You always ended up getting hurt. 

“Where’s...” Yaz lingered off as her dark eyes spotted you just down the stairs. Her smile reappeared (you hated that she made you feel ... comfortable) and the Doctor turned around, her own smile plastered over her pale skin. Then it disappeared and that heavy feeling got heavier. 

Oh god, don’t notice. 

You thought to yourself, Yaz had waved you up, calling your name followed by “You’ll never bloody believe what this thing does” and you had no choice but to comply. Hands twisted with each other, your eyes now avoiding the Doctor’s, as you came to stand next to Yaz - you forced a smile. 

                                                    -x-

The planet was cold. Your face had scrunched up at the sudden blast of freezing air once the TARDIS doors opened. You stood just inside the time machine, arms wrapped around your stomach and your chin buried into the fabric of your scarf. You really didn’t want to go out there - you just wanted to go back to bed. Cry about your sorrows and watch Love Actually. Mmm maybe not, that - it might make you feel worse. 

The Doctor on the other hand had been ecstatic. Started to blab about the last time she had been on a planet completely frozen, something to do with the Ood and a giant brain. Yaz and Dan however, held almost the same exact facial expression as you - they weren’t too keen about this weather, but Yaz was the first companion off the ship. Of course she bloody was. Your eyes focused on the back of her head, trying to ignore the fact that the Doctor had grasped onto the other woman’s hand immediately and they were off down the hill. Dan looked back at you with a sympathetic look. 

“Come on, love, it won’t be that bad.” He tried to comfort you. “You can partner up with me?” Bless him, he really was trying to distract you. So you gave a soft smile, only nodding your head in the direction of the others. You’d follow after - but Dan gave a look as if he didn’t believe you. Eventually when the others had started to notice that you weren’t following them they stopped. Dan still focused on your face. “Oh love...” He sighed before a hand squeezed your bicep. A choked laugh left you, shaking your head quickly you ducked to look at the floor.

“You’re going to make me cry, Daniel.” You muttered.

“Oi, you two!” The Doctor shouted back at you and Dan. Lifting your head slightly, you could see her looking back, while her hand which was still in Yaz’s, was extended. “You can’t just stay in the TARDIS all day!” You let your gaze fall back on Dan. The both of you just stood there for a couple of seconds, before he sighed and let you go.

“Don’t take too long,” He said before he stepped out fully into the cold. “She’ll start to wonder where you’ve gone.”

“Promise,” You mumbled. “Just - need to get some gloves.” You lied. Dan sighed before he turned around and trailed after the others. Taking a deep breath in, you buried your hands into the pockets of your massive jacket. “I hate this,” You mumbled, turning around you came to a sudden jolt when right in front of you was a coat rack, but instead of coats, there were a pair of gloves. A soft smile spread across yours lips, you looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS. “Thanks old girl.” Grabbing the gloves, you slipped them on before you turned around again and followed after the others - wrapping your scarf and jacket closer to your body.

You took your spot at the back of the group - the three of them all walked in a line, that was until the Doctor had noticed. “What are you doing back there?” The question almost made you jump, looking up, the Doctor had stopped - turned around and gave you a pointed look. Your name fell from her lips, before she leaned forward, grabbed a hold of your hand and pulled you next to her. “No one is to walk at the back.” She gave you a pointed look and you couldn’t help the blush that rushed to your cheeks - you were glad that it was a SNOW planet, can just blame the weather for that one. You fell into step with her.

Her hand was about the same size as yours, which made holding it easy. Looking down at your hands, fingers laced between yours. “Don’t want to lose anyone.” The Doctor finished her voice sounding so close to your ear.

How could you tell this crush of yours to fuck off.

See the full post

45 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

stargazing ✰ 13th doctor x reader

a/n: uwu what's this? i live?

holy shit - i'm so sorry for leaving you all for like eight months. just i hit writer's block and the lack of doctor who made it hard for me to get any sort of writing done. anyway, the easter special awoke my urge to write and this came out of it. definitely not really up to parr - but i hope y'all enjoy it. just some soft fluffy moments.

slight spoilers for the special. But not heavy.

posted on my ao3 | wattpad.

“Don’t say a word.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything!”

There’s a smirk that slowly forms at the corner of your lips. Your eyes remained closed and your hands were clasped together, resting on your stomach. The breeze was cool against your face, a nice change from the whole running in the middle of the desert thing all four of you did earlier that day. The sound of waves crashing against the rocks was almost enough to lull you into a deep sleep. Your body was sore and the bandage around your rib cage was uncomfortable, but that was the price you paid when you did stupid things. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

Yaz and Dan had decided to go into the village to find something for the humans of the group to eat - you had a strong craving for seafood, considering where you were staying for the night, but you had no idea what type of food you could even get on this planet. There had been a couple of places that you just could not stomach the food that had been offered to you - worms and something that looked like snails had been the last place you visited, you couldn't keep them in your stomach - throwing them back up, which meant that you didn't eat at all until you were back on the TARDIS, which had been a full twelve hours. You knew that you should probably eat something today if you didn't want the Doctor on your ass again. You had almost fainted from the lack of food on the last trip, and you had been injured this time around - running back to your little air bnb like place didn't help your injuries whatsoever. Having been forced into the bathroom, the Doctor had applied the fast healing cream onto your rib cage and also forced you on bed rest for the rest of the evening, that didn't stop you, however, from utilizing the cute little balcony thing up on the roof.

It was about twenty minutes later that the Doctor had come to join you. Nudging you slightly, so that both of you could fit on the one lounge chair together.

“I was just going to point out the constellations for you.” She continued. A sigh escaped you, as your eyes cracked open. You stared up into the spotted blackness of the sky. The planet had TWO moons, making the evening appear to be brighter than home. The multitude of stars made your head spin - it was almost like there were more stars on this side of the galaxy than at home. “But if you would rather sit here in silence, that's okay as well.”

Turning your head to look at the Time Lord - whose shoulder rested against your own - you couldn’t help the laugh that left you. “Of course you can point out the constellations for me.” You had almost been worried that the Doctor would chew you out again for your reckless behaviour today. But hearing that she only wanted to tell you about the stars, made your entire body feel light for once. The Doctor turned her head towards you - your breath sudden caught at the back of your throat. She was higher up on the recliner than you, causing her nose to brush against your forehead slightly. There had been this ... THING lingering between both of you for a while now. Ever since New Year's and the ever occurring time loop, Dan had figured it out - even Yaz and you didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not. They kept trying to nudge you in the right direction but - after dealing with the Sea Devils and the pirates, after hearing the fact that the Doctor couldn't fix herself to anyone - you backed off.

It was hard to do. Very hard to do. It almost felt like you had shut off a part of yourself, but you didn't want to make the centuries-old alien uncomfortable.

“Are you sure?” She questioned you. Tilting your head up ever so slightly, you rolled your eyes at her. She nudged your arm. “Oi, I just want to make sure - don’t want you going to Yaz and complaining about me.” A fake gasp escaped your lips as you sat up. Your right leg fell off the chair, and you twisted around to look back at the blonde.

“I do not go to Yaz to bitch thank you very much.” The Doctor laughed - causing your smile to grow wider. Slender fingers wrapped around your wrist, pulling you back down on the recliner - but the angel was wrong, causing you to stretch your ribs too far. Your face scrunched up. Why was it whenever you got into a fight, your body would meet a solid object almost every time. Your ribs hurt like a bitch, but the cream that the Doctor had put over your rib cage was slowly starting to take effect. “Besides, it’s really Dan that I go and complain to.” The Doctor snorted as you laid your head against her chest - the sound of twin heartbeats luring you in closer. Your arm slung across her stomach.

“You three...” Her voice was soft, as her fingers started to brush through your hair. “Humans, never cease to amaze me.” A huff left you. “You are so very fragile but you never back down from a fight.” Your nose scrunched once again - of course, she had to make mention of your failed fight. “And when you get hurt and knocked down, you get back up. You’ve spread across the entire galaxy and you continue to live your lives.” You tilted your head back slightly, looking up at the Time Lord. “You have such a short life span, but you do so much within the confinements of those years.”

“To you, we must seem so young.” You replied. Hazel eyes caught yours then. It was quiet for a couple of seconds, before the Doctor leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead. Swallowing, you buried your head into her side. She was bad for your health. Very bad. The things that you would do for this alien were almost sinful. Your mother would never have approved of this relationship - which was why you never told your parents about the things you had been doing for the last three years.

“So very young, which is why I have to keep saving you a lot.” Fingers resumed their petting of your head. “But I never get tired of it.” You could feel the Doctor’s gaze staring down at the side of your face before she tightened her arms around you, pulling you closer to her. Pulling your head out from her side, you let your gaze focus on the night sky.

It was quiet for a couple of minutes - the only noise that could be heard by both of you was the waves. Then suddenly there was a flash in the sky (accompanied by a low rumble). Your arm shot out above you, pointing to the streak of light. “What’s that? A shooting star?” You questioned, you could feel the Doctor move underneath you - her arm coming to join yours. Her index finger pointed at it and you could almost picture her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth and one eye closed. Hand traveled the direction that the “star” had come from, only for it to land on the horizon.  

“The nine-fifteen shuttle to Orion.” The Doctor answered. The prideful tone in her voice made you sit up once again and look down at her.

“The shuttle?” You questioned.

"Leaves every couple of days." A huff left you and your smile was back. "Now, come on - lie back down and I'll tell you all about these clusters of stars." And so you did, finding your position again, snuggled into the Doctor's side. Head rested against her chest, as you watched her finger dance between the shiny dots. You were going to miss this.

89 notes - Posted April 18, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[blonkk]

tw suicidal ideation // eating disorders

i’ve wanted to k*ll myself since i was 8 years old. i know i was that age because i remember how i felt, how going to school felt every day, i remember my teacher, my friends and classmates, the weirdo shit i did for attention at school because i hated my home life so much and i was so desperate for companionship and compassion. i remember this is also when i started to hate my body; i wasn’t yet pubescent but i was going through weirdo changes and suddenly my body was different and i couldn’t fit into old clothes and i felt bigger and i hated it.

in middle and high school i turned completely inwards and my self hatred really got expressed through my lack of enthusiasm about anything. i went from shy to almost completely nonverbal around people i didn’t know, and in many cases kids i’d known since i was in kindergarten. i only leaned into my quiet hobbies, reading and drawing, which i did obsessively as a way to escape reality. i did it all the time. if i wasn’t reading i was drawing and vice versa. and it hurt to be so lonely but i got used to it and guess what you can always do when you’re alone ? read or draw. i also fully hated myself and my body and so even i’ve always been into clothes and fashion i dressed in whatever i thought hid me best, made me invisible.

anyways in the 11 1/2 years since i was 17 (finished school) i’ve had multiple episodes of bulimia and (i won’t say anorexia) but starving myself. i remember when i used to still fast during ramadan and i lost 20 pounds once in 30 days. but no one said shit because i was fat so it was a good thing. i wasn’t eating anything and i was lifeguarding all day in the sun….but i was fat so it was ok. nothing sends me into a downward spiral the way weight gain does. nothing. not the sadness and hopelessness i’ve felt, not the inadequacy, not the rejection by my friends and closest family, nothing compares to how sick and miserable and dejected i feel when i gain weight.

also in these years i’ve had multiple depressive episodes. i’ve tried to kill myself (chickened out last minute). i’ve seen so many therapists and been on medication and off and on again. i’ve changed my environment and situation and everything i could think of. even now i do a good job of “managing”; i take my meds, i keep myself busy and active (i spend as much time as possible outside, even just going on 30 minute walks every day if nothing else) i pursue new hobbies and nurture old ones, i try to limit my social media time, i stay away from people whose company isn’t good for me.

nothing i do stops anything real. it didn’t stop me from losing every single friend i had, after years of hating myself, after being lonely and desperate for company my whole life — it still didn’t stop me from being rejected by others when i finally grew up, gained a sense of self, got more confident. it didn’t stop my family from routinely marginalizing me, making me feel completely alien to them, letting me know how little i fit in. it didn’t stop my brother and sister from abandoning me. it didn’t stop my parents from being uninterested in me and my own goals and who i actually am.

it didn’t stop me from losing my job and being financially unstable as well as totally discouraged. it didn’t stop me from the times over the last decade or so — where i’ve been a self sufficient /independent, self assured, confident, secure person — where i’ve completely lost all hope of getting better. i spent days in my room where i didn’t even get up because there was no point. i had no one to even notice i hadn’t even gone to the bathroom by the evening. no one to realize i hadn’t eaten. or showered. or slept in days.

it didn’t stop the reality of my life !!!!!! i can’t be content in my life because i don’t get what the point is. i’m not asking for “happiness” — as a chronically depressed person i understand that happiness is a feeling, not a state of being. as a chronic insomniac i think i might have permanent brain damage or something; i can’t concentrate on anything. i can’t remember anything. i mean seriously…i don’t think ill ever be able to get anywhere in life because im so tired all the time and so sluggish and slow and i can’t fucking retain any information and it just get worse as i get older.

i don’t see the point….i don’t want to live like this. i don’t want to be lonely and unlovable. i don’t want to be a sore thumb. i want my family. i want my siblings back. i want my friends. i want my parents. but those people don’t want me….and i can’t keep being hurt by them over and over and over. but the alternative is having no one in the world im close to, no one who knows me. i know family is not everything and blood isnt everything but this is just how i feel.

i do have friends but they’re so spread out all over the world and i’m a bad friend because im exhausted with constant messaging and trying to keep in touch with everyone especially when i know that over time these friendships will fade away…i mean ive been working in seasonal/temporary settings since i was 19, that’s the way these things are. and all my other friends from my childhood/home are gone now.

yes this is rife with self pity and whining but i’m just really tired. i’m scared too. if i already feel like this now, what’s another decade gonna feel like? like i mean i can’t continue to lie to myself and say “when you’re 23 it will be better! ok maybe 25! no 28! …uh, 30?” like the delusion is dying!!! it’s not getting better !!!! what i’ve learned, actually, is that i can emancipate myself, i can build my independence and run away from the people who hurt me, i can experience those moments of happiness and maybe sometimes contentment but it’s not indicative of an upward trajectory. i’m completely fucked, as in i don’t think my memory will come back, i don’t think my brain will recover, i don’t know if someone who wanted to kill themselves by the time they were 8 years old can actually ever be normal. i don’t think someone who’s been tossed out by their immediate family from a young age can ever really love anyone or be loved, let alone feel secure and accepted in general. i don’t think ill ever feel rested and totally alert. i do feel like myself, i do feel strong in my personality and values, but that doesn’t fucking matter if i’m an island.

i hate being this way. i hate that i failed. life is supposed to get better when you come into yourself. it’s supposed to get better when you take care of yourself. i’m supposed to look back at my teenage or child self and think that sad little girl has no idea how little this suffering is going to matter! she’ll be so empowered and free one day!!!!!! like…if i could’ve seen my future, of basically being complete wretch and a failure, i’d have packed it up then and there. and now as i get closer to 30 im laughing because all i can really see is even more pain and more suffering as i get older and life just becomes lonelier and instead of getting stronger i become weaker. because ive been alone my whole life. i’ve been independent. i’ve learned how to be immensely, impossibly strong and resilient. and while many people spend their lives trying to become these things, finding freedom in them, i’m trapped. i’m completely exhausted. i dont want to be those things anymore. i don’t want to inspire other people . i don’t want to be admired for these traits i was forced to develop and lean on my whole life. i want to be loved by the people that i love. i want to believe that i deserve to be alive and get what i want. but i dont. just deep within the fundamental structure of my being i’ve never believed these things. i never even thought i was a real person who would have a real life one day. i never felt like i had a future or any potential for any human experiences and i dont know why. i just dont know. all i ever felt was shame and guilt and so inherently undeserving, by virtue of just being who i am, of anything. and its made me completely incapable of being normal

i don’t know. i’m just scared. i’m fully depressed for the first time in a while and it’s all too much. it’s too much. 28 and a half years is too much to feel like this all the time, even if it’s numbed here and there. i don’t know. i fear turning 40 in a decade and laughing at how my 30s were no better than the preceding years. i fear more intensified loneliness brought on by more rejection, self loathing, and estrangement from my family.

i’m sorry to anyone who might see this and feel sad on their own behalf. that’s not my intention. i need to get this all of my chest. i know it’s a lot of misery and self pity. im just sad right now

i just….feel so dejected. i wanted to hurt myself as a young kid because i saw my mom being hurt. i saw my dad in handcuffs. i saw my grandma encouraging my dad to hurt my mom and me. i saw my mom and dad physically try to fight over my sister. i knew they would never fight over me that way. they told me, more than once. i saw/heard my brother being physically abused. i was being physically abused. it hurt and i was scared. i was verbally and emotionally abused and it still gets me and hurts me. i’m still messed up by it. the last time it happened was when i was home just last month….it won’t ever end. it won’t ever go away. i was verbally and emotionally abused by my sister and brother and my sisters husband. it only stopped because i ran away. i know of how my mom was abused and how my grandma was and how my dad was abandoned and how it all culminates with me; someone who didn’t even experience the worst of it but is somehow the most crippled. my brother and sister made success of their lives and found people to lean on and have each other. my parents strengthened their relationship and succeeded as individuals in their lives. i can’t do it. i can’t do it for some reason i can’t overcome it. i can’t move on. and i can’t, i can’t shoulder the burden alone anymore. i have no one to help me carry this weight that drags behind me, sits on top of me and pulls me down. i want to hurt myself because it’s the only thing that ever makes sense; it’s the only thing that alleviates the intense pressure and pain of everything. it’s the only thing that ever makes me feel slightly lighter or relieved and it’s scary. i have no one to talk to or just lean on. i have no one who even knows how much it takes out of me every single day to walk around with this heavy feeling of pain and grief and hopelessness. my close friends do know i have some strained family relationships and trauma, but there is just too much to ever explain it fully, it’s too overwhelming. plus it makes people wary to know someone with so much unchecked baggage. it’s a liability. it’s the type of tragic person no one wants to be responsible for putting up with. i don’t know how to deal with it anymore because i’ve lost all my strength and resolve. i just feel like an unfortunate wasteland. there’s nothing anyone can do about it even though it’s sad. there’s nothing that can be done

[actuallyava]

Confessions

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU

SO LETS STOP THE BULLSHIT AND PUT THIS MESS ON THE TABLE

1. You left me.

There. I said it.

We were friends. I wanted you. I waited for you. I watched for you. And you left me!

What’s worse is that you left me, multiple time! Everytime you reject me, you leave me over and over again.

And like a dog to an abusive owner, here I am just running back.

IM SICK OF THIS SHIT!

FUCK YOU! YOU WHITE WASHED PRETENTIOUS ASS SON OF A BITCH (no offense to your family, they truly are lovely people)

I won’t do it any longer. I won’t run until I meet you and you punch me in my face or spit on me!

I won’t wonder how I could be better. Or if you would like the way I look now.

I won’t care about your feelings, because for the last 12 years you haven’t cared about mine!

YOU EGOTISTICAL, PUTRID, EXCUSE FOR A PERSON

I’m not checking up. I’m not following. I’m not looking out the window wondering if today will be the day we finally hash this shit out.

I’m tired of it.

Aren’t you exhausted?? Are you tired of the bitterness that runs through your veins. The anger? The betrayal?

2. I don’t even know what I did to make you feel these things.

Here’s the thing:

You left.

Abruptly.

Quickly.

Almost instantly.

Like a meteor that shoots through the sky, you were here one minute then gone the next.

BUT YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME!

I can’t believe you.

I can’t believe you would have let me stay home and never hear from you again. I can’t believe you didn’t have the gull to tell me. I can’t believe you let you family pack you up without another word to me.

I CANT BELIEVE YOUR STILL HOLDING IN BULLSHIT, FROM WHEN WE WERE 12, AGAINST ME.

You stupid ass motherfucker!

Did you feel left out?

You felt alienated because I was finally making friends?

Friends outside of you?

You felt like I left you?

I WAS RIGHT THERE! YOU COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME.

And yet… you left.

And before you did so, you made sure to break me on your way out.

Fuck you.

Fuck you and your stupid ass haircut.

Fuck you and your dumb ass voice.

Fuck all your hobbies. Your girlfriends. Or the people you slept with.

Fuck the things you like and the things you hate.

Fuck you and your muscles and thick legs.

Fuck you.

3. I hate you.

I may regret this ten, five, two years from now.

7, 3, 1 month from now

9, 8, 4 weeks from now

Or maybe tomorrow…

But I….

I think I….

FUCK

I think (I thought) I loved you.

I really did.

I’ve never felt the way I felt about you about anyone else

I liked you from the jump

I still like you, like how a fly loves a lightbulb

Unobtainable and borderline idiotic, but I still like you.

And…

You not only don’t like me back… but you reject me as a person, without even knowing me

You are the worse person on the face of the planet.

You inspire every rant I’ve had on here.

And you can’t even give me the common curtesy to let me know why you hate me so much.

You break my heart… every single time.

I’m a different person.

I’ve been through things. Things many could never even imagine, things that changed me from the inside out

I’m not that little girl anymore

AND SHE NOR I WILL BE APOLOGIZING FOR WHO SHE IS NOW

You stupid fucking bitch!

IVE GROWN

Sure, back then I was tougher, rougher than most little girls at that douchbaggy private school because guess what?

I had shit at home!

Shit your stupid ass would never understand!

I WAS A LITTLE JADED AROUND THE EDGES,

But I’ve smoothed those out. Took them through the ringer, was dragged through darkness and hell to be who I am today

AND INSTEAD OF FINALLY BEING A MAN AND GETTING THAT SHIT OFF YOUR CHEST

You take me back to her everytime

To the little girl that stood on the curb and watched you break her heart in two

I HAD SHIT GOING ON TOO! It wasn’t only you

All I had was you… and you

You fucking

You shit on it.

Fuck you.

I hate you with everything in me

ILL NEVER BEG FOR YOUR AFFECTION

I’LL NEVER CHASE YOU

I’LL NEVER WAIT BY THE PHONE TO CALL

I’m not that little girl anymore

I’m getting off the curb, and I’m taking my own heart back

I’m not listening for your voice

Or watching what you’re doing

Waiting for the day that you will come back and say you’re sorry for the shit you put me through.

I hate you.

4. Sure, I fantasize about you sometimes.

But it’s not really you

It’s not the mean, arrogant, juvenile boy that I know.

No.

It’s a guy who runs back to me. Who loves me, but just was wrong.

He realized the errors of his ways.

He wanted me all along.

He loves me.

He yearns for me.

He watches me, and idolizes me.

Flaws, and chub, and all

But that’s not you. You don’t want me

You don’t even want to be friends with me.

You don’t even want to be acquaintances with me.

You don’t even want to know me.

YOU DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW of ME!

You,

You hate me.

I always loved you. From the moment I saw you, I knew how I felt.

You cannot say the same.

So sure, I’ll fuck my fingers and your face

Your name.

Your everything

may pop into my thoughts when I’m coming, but I want you to know

That’s it’s never been you.

It’s always been someone else.

The fantasy of a person who looks like you, but will never be you.

I want someone to fuck my brains out.

Good.

Excellent, even.

But I won’t settle for anyone like you.

I won’t sell myself short on a guy who I’m not sure will turn his lip up in disgust at the way I look.

Or speak

Or my culture.

A guy who plans on how to carry me

A guy who will always choose to hurt me if it really came down to it.

This year marks the 12th year that you have discarded of me,

And for the first time in my life, I realize that you’d have hated me longer than you loved me.

Two boys

Fuck outta here

You left!

You left me YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH

And I won’t wait for you any more.

[for--themoment]

A letter to myself at 10 years old.

Hi beautiful. Today, you’re 10 years old. It’s 2002 and the world probably looks a little strange. 9/11 has just recently happened and you’re not sure what to make of it - it’s OK that it’s too much for your little/big heart to handle. 

This year you’ll go to middle school where a lot of things will change. You will lose the spirit and confidence you had in elementary school because of the one person who was supposed to be your best friend. I’m sorry for that, because I know there is so much going on in that small head of yours. You want to dance, you want to create, you want to be silly. It’s ok to do all those things without shame. 

You’ll encounter bullying for the first time, and it will continue periodically into adulthood. I’m sorry, but you’re strong and you navigate it well. 

You’ll surround yourself with girls that aren’t really your friends, especially S. I know that it might feel like you need to be her friend, be around her, follow her around, try to be friends with her friends, etc. But you don’t. You’d be much better off if you found a new group that didn’t know her at all. You have so much to give, are always an amazing friend, and deserve friends that treat you the same.

S’s parents are divorcing right about now, which is the first exposure to divorce that you’ve ever had. It’s a foreign concept because they lived in that big white house on the hill with the rope swing forever. You feel like you were just eating toaster streudels at their table for breakfast. But now ‘their house’ is in a not-so-nice neighborhood. At least they have a trampoline.

As time goes on, S gets new friends, and begins to treat you as a burden. You are not - don’t forget this. She does things to embarrass you - like ruin your brand new sneakers because they’re “too white”, say to the whole class that I slept in a bed with my mom during a trip together, and talk badly about you to all of her new ‘friends’. A turning point in your friendship happens twice: once, when their family dog bites a friend of S’s and you get too scared to go over to her house anymore. This was serendipity and was a good way for you to distance yourself. The second thing happens in sixth grade, when S is in a bad mood and is trying to talk to some new ‘friends’ - you follow her because you don’t know what else to do. She proceeds to do a standing flip over the monkey bars, hits her head, and in response to you asking “are you ok?” she yells at you visibly annoyed. 

Know that her outburst was not because you are a bad person, but I know it feels like it was. I know you’ll fake a stomach bug and miss school for 3 days, the longest time you’d ever consecutively been absent. This will lead her to call you on the evening of the third day and ask “how you are”, even though you know it’s because her mom made her.

S has alienated you and made you feel unwanted, and you’re not gonna know who else to hang out with. Somehow your music teacher, Mrs. F, agrees to keep writing passes for you to spend your recess in the library because you’re too afraid of going outside. You don’t want to be a “follower” anymore. It’s not until, after many hall passes and months later, that someone finally catches on to you not being at recess and acts like they want you there. So you start going again.

Your longest friend, A, will develop a crush on you within the next couple of years. You’ll get mad at him for it-- don’t. He is a lifelong friend and whether or not it makes you feel nervous because you’re not experienced with dating, he will be worth the time and treat you well. 30-year-old you is still friends with him, and while he’s gay, 30-year-old you knows he would have done everything possible to treat you well.

You’ll develop your first debilitating crush on MC. You never really get close to him and only admire from a distance, but the daydreamer in you likes to think you’d get together at some point. You’ll go through a period where you think collared polos are your best outfit while trying to impress him, which is cute. In a few years, in high school, you’ll somehow dance with him but it will be incredibly awkward and you know the only reason he asked you is because he secretly has a crush on your other friend ST. You’re sure he feels like, if he does this “favor” for her, maybe she’ll like him more. This will break your heart but he ends up being a douche.

You’ll also develop a friendship/small crush on K. You’re pretty sure his friendship was just because he pitied you, but in the moment it felt real and it was nice to have a male friend that was popular. He ends up going to a different high school but you reunite at a football game, literally running into his arms and people telling you how “adorable” that was. It won’t occur to you at the time that it was, and your crush fades.

This period of your life is going to transform and inform a lot of the pain you will deal with later in life. S will only be the first of a few people to use you and take advantage of your loyalty and friendship when it suits them. 

Know that you are a wonderful person.

[only-bread]

'tis the szn

I don't really remember when it all started, but I just remember always feeling this way.

sometimes I get really scared that I'll never feel ok with the way I look.

I feel like I'm living in a stranger's body. I never like what I see in the mirror. She's too round, too short, too much of everything I hate to see. I hope one day she'll just go away and instead of seeing this chubby loser looking back at me I can see somebody who is beautiful. I want to see someone who knows what she's doing.

Unfortunately, I don't think she'll ever be the one looking back at me. For now, I just stuck looking at all the things I hate about myself: my stupid round cheeks, my double chin that comes into view too easily, the dark circles under my eyes, my acne, my belly, by thick thighs and calves, my that's just way too big, my flabby arms, my alien-looking feet.

I wish I could just disappear. I wish no one would ever have to see me again.

Or maybe I could hibernate, go into a cocoon. I could stay there and feel sorry for myself for awhile and just hide from the world. Sometimes the light feels so penetrating and I want to cry and scream and die. Eventually, when all the noise stopped, I would emerge from my cocoon as a skinny, tall, beautiful queen. I would look in the mirror and instead of seeing the stupid fugly girl that stares me down every day - I would see someone beautiful. I wish I was beautiful.

I don't know why I think this way. It's not like I notice these things about other people. I love my family and friends no matter what they look like. I don't care about their hairstyle or their acne or what they had for breakfast. I just care about them as people, because that's what really matters. I don't notice the little flabs of skin, if they lose a pound or gain a pound - it doesn't even cross my mind.

Maybe I'm a horrible person for selling them so short, because most of the time I get so scared that if I look anything less than perfect everyone will leave me. I hope my friends love me enough to not care about what I look like. Still, maybe they would fall in love with me more if I was actually attractive. I don't think I'll ever know.

I kind of hate myself, and I'm trying to work on that. I think most teenagers hate themselves, to a certain extent. I only mean that I mess up a lot, and I hate myself for it. I wish I never messed up, that I could be perfect. People tell me perfect doesn't exist, but I know I can get close if I try.

The problem is that I see every little thing I hate about myself and it compounds into an enormous pile. There I am, standing in its shadow, and it feels like an impossible challenge to chip away at it. I never want to admit when I'm wrong to other people, but in my head all the things I'm doing wrong are just screaming at me.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Not like being another person in a different town with a different family or anything, but maybe just myself five years from now.

I wish I didn't let other people down, I wish I didn't let myself down, I wish I was better, I wish I wasn't so easily upset, I wish I was more reliable, I wish I was a better friend, I wish I liked myself for one single minute for even one day. I wish my nose didn't run when I cried I wish I didn't say hurtful things when I get mad I wish I had a better relationship with my parents I wish I was smarter I wish I could go to college and get on with my life I wish I was the person my best friends think I am I wish I got along with people more I wish I was thinner I wish I was taller I wish my ribs would start showing I wish someone would worry about me I wish I was beautiful I wish someone somewhere even once told me they liked me that way I wish I wish.

I wish I could go back to being a kid again.

I remember once Dad took me fishing. We went early in the morning. I wore blue jeans and a windbreaker and dad wore his signature sunglasses. He made me hot cocoa on the stove while I put on my shoes. It was still dark out when we left.

When we got to the lake the sun had risen and it was cold, but dad brought the green thermos full of stovetop hot chocolate. I didn't think it would still be hot, but it was so hot I burned my tongue. He told me all about how thermoses keep hot things hot and cold things cold. We didn't catch anything.

[judethejudas]

How they would react to you being trans— MW2 Headcanons

This includes all types of trans— so trans women, men, non binary (which would require much more explaining to the boys). Also it’s okay to not want to take hormones or do surgeries, it does not make you less of who you are. It’s just for the headcanons, my loves.

Ghost:

- He’s silent the whole time you’re coming out to him

- He just stares at you, with so many thoughts in his mind.

- Of course he knew trans people existed but he never figured you’d be one of them.

- You were already on hormones but not the surgeries, which made sense to him now because you always avoided the showers with everybody and preferred covering up.

- Ghost covered up quite a bit too so he felt closer to you in that way. That you both valued your privacy.

- He realized now it was because you didn’t have much of a choice. Even though he couldn’t have known, he felt guilty for it.

- He caught onto the pain in your eyes as you explained that your transition wasn’t easy. You lost friends, family, people you really cared about.

- “All because you were trans?” He couldn’t believe it honestly. That someone would break a bond because you wanted to be yourself.

- He put a hand on your shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. “This doesn’t change anything between us and if anyone has a problem with it, you come to me. Is that clear?”

- You brushed the tears off your cheeks and nodded, before Ghost sent you off to do something productive.

Soap:

- He’s quite shocked when you tell him and he doesn’t make much of an effort to hide it.

- You’re transgender? How? How does that work? Do you mean you’re going to transition into the opposite gender?

- He’s not stupid but he’s confused. Our confused ally.

- You had to explain to him that you already did years ago but didn’t have the surgeries, which is why you covered up a lot.

- “I thought you and ghost were just starting a little club getting all cozied up like that.” He’s so puzzled and asking a lot of questions, like how your voice sounds like that and how this happened.

- The only letters this man knew of the lgbtq2s+ community is gay and lesbian.

- You explained hormones to him and he was just blown away.

- Then you started talking about how unsupportive people have been to you and he felt terrible.

- “I’m not like that, am I?” You reassured him immediately that he was not and he was relieved. He had grown to like you on his team, how you two bickered and joked with each other on missions— especially when you two ganged up on Ghost.

- “You’re definitely gonna have to run it by me a few times but I got your back, (y/n).”

Captain Price:

- I ain’t gonna lie to you, this man?? Is all kinds of phobic. He’s old, he can’t help it.

- He had taken a liking to you as time went on and you proved yourself to be a valuable member of the team.

- So when you came out to him, it was just pure shock. He didn’t know what to do or say. Suddenly everything had changed. About you.

- He was taught not to respect members of the lgbtq2s+ by his family and grew up with that mindset. He knew every slur in the book.

- But you being one of them? He couldn’t fathom it. But he also couldn’t bring himself to hate you.

- You explained to him how you were alienated and hated ever since you came out, so you found a family when you joined task 141.

- He felt horrible now.

- To anyone else, he could be bitter about it and he wouldn’t feel one ounce of guilt. But not to you. This was you.

- “Alright look, I can’t say I understand.. this. I’ll need time to process it since I was raised differently, but I’m not gonna throw ya out..”

- You were happy he was willing to put aside his prejudice for you, but you did need to correct him on a few terms that weren’t horrifically transphobic or homophobic.

- You, Ghost, and Soap end up giving him the nickname of Captain Pride, absolutely bombarding this old man until he’s had enough and making you all scrub toilets.

_______

I seriously doubt Ghost and Soap would be assholes about reader being trans. I just don’t see them caring that much other than asking a few questions, but Price? 😭