#and compartmentalizing my stress
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i hope whatever weird thing thats wrong with me is resolved by the concert next month bc if its not im really not seeing how i'll be able to go
#im used to having health problems and usually they dont stress me too much. im good at compartmentalizing it away into a little folder#but this time its just completely weird and nothing ive ever had before and its driving me crazy bc ive been to the doctors 3 times#no help no idea wait until october 3 and its getting more painful and weird every day i keep needing to lay down for hours#and just doing anything womens health related is already a fucking struggle like i dont want to be doing any of this usually i dont#get stressed like this but ive never experienced this so it is freaking me out bc my aunt had weird cancer and my uncles been just diagnose#with stage 4 and hes been given 18months and my grandma died last year can you just take me serious for once#anyway sorry for the monday morning vent but if i dont put this somewhere im gonna have an actual freak out
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am feeling very Hmm about this communities thing :(
#stop with the privating and compartmentalization of communities!!!!#this is my exact issue with discord servers 😭#PLEASE just comment on my stuff directly in reblogs. thats the point of my blog!!#agree with me squeel with me disagree with me roast me or anything else! but the joy of fandom is sharing things#not hoarding them away so only select groups can see 😭#*issue = reason why i personally havent connected with discord servers as a community thing#a series of rapid and/or specific chatrooms is very stressful to me personally vs the slower full collection of StuffsTM on my blog#free to be viewed or reblogged by anyone 😂
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I do find it fascinating how many readers take a character statement as the Absolute Truth and don't consider there may be layers of hidden meaning tucked beneath the surface. This happens over and over again in my Lucifer fic, particularly with Chloe's dialogue.
The most recent example is when she said 'Our relationship doesn't matter. Rory's more important.' and some readers were like 'Doesn't seem like she's very interested in a relationship with Lucifer. Where does she think Rory came from then? Doesn't she realize if she doesn't sleep with Lucifer, Rory won't exist in the future?'
When the context of this argument and that line is it's the DAY after they learned this toddler is their daughter from the future and a mere TWO WEEKS after Chloe learned angels were real and her partner was the literal, actual Devil. This woman is stressed as fuck! Do you analyze the romantic feelings you've been suppressing since the object of those feelings rejected you when you're stressed as fuck? Cause I sure don't! She's in survival mode right now! I thought that was obvious??? STOP TAKING ME AND THE CHARACTERS AT OUR WORDS! WE'RE ALL LIARS IN THIS NARRATIVE!
#My tone might seem like I'm angry about this#But I'm simply continually perplexed#Is this a product of being in my mid 30s? Are the readers that behind in life experience?#Or is it a product of me being acespec? Cause my sex drive shuts down when I'm stressed and my emotions get muted too?#Do other people not compartmentalize when they're coping with stress?#I'm so confused#Maybe I'm not making character motivations obvious enough but what am I supposed to do?#Write: 'Our relationship doesn't matter' she lied. Their relationship was one of the most important things in her life#and a daughter from the future only reinforced that.#First of all: I'm in close limited 3rd person POV not omniscient.#Secondly: BABE SHE'S FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW AND WOULD NOT BE THINKING LIKE THAT!
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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I keep staying up way too late and now I’m thinking about Seril my little curse of strahd gunslinger and how I need to talk about her more on here because I want to talk about her so bad
#dnd#curse of strahd#she's my baby and my darling and she's trying her best but she's very tired and everyone is stressing her out all the time#she's 4'11 and 90 pounds and very anemic#she has a negative strength score#women want her#she's from barovia but she got out for some years and was a pirate for awhile and then she was a solo adventurer#and she's seen so much weird shit#she grew up getting chomped by vampires but she's doing pretty okay mentally as long as she compartmentalizes everything#a combination of weapons feats and subclass have made her a mechanical nightmare for the dm and she can hypothetically attack 5 times#in an opening round of combat#she's shorter than everyone but the gnome but she scared two of her much taller party members until they got to know her better#she's been assigned mom at 25#her best friend is a tiny he/they gay kobold who taught her how to make guns on a pirate ship#she is the only party member who has not gotten at least one ominous secret zone chat with the dm because everyone else keeps fucking around#and thus finding out#she cannot read#she knits and crochets and enjoys cross stitching and flowers#she looks like an edgelord and seems intimidating because she's often very flat affect but she is in fact very sweet#and full of love#and wants to talk to people and get to know them and make friends#she's a nightmare to any npc who doesn't want to have a nice little chat#her introduction to van richten was shooting him twice because he was trying to steak the friend she had JUST gotten cool with hours before#she's a lesbian and she has canonically fucked more than anybody else in the party#she is kissing ireena#she had to make her guns special because she's so small#she has big tall energy but she's shorter than the 14 year old the party adopted#she just got some magic and she has no idea how or why#she is so full of love all 4 foot 11 inches of her anemic gay little frame is full of love#she eats raw potatoes like apples
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sometimes I get a bit scared when my coworkers ask me what my weekend plans are because I have forgotten I exist outside of work yet again
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sucks how the brain craves even more stress after experiencing something extremely stressful
#misc.txt#vent#or at least it does for me?#I feel like nobody ever talks about it either so I'm not rly sure why it happens or if it's a common response#its the 'very slow tigers are chasing me' thing except me and the tiger are locked in a room and it's just looking at me#and I would rather it just break the silence and try to maul me#if that#makes sense#some part of my brain would rather be back in imminent and potentially life threatening danger than be stuck in this tension#because my mind is still there#and I feel like I end up craving it in the days/weeks/whatever after the thing happens. like right now.#so I'm just sitting here in my room at 1am trying to rewrite my resume while feeling more and more like a cornered possum. 👍#and it makes me feel like the thing in question wasn't that bad bc who WANTS a traumatic event to happen again/continue?#and like I don't. but my brain is still half stuck in that weird compartmentalized state#and for some reason the instinct is 'return to extreme stress now' instead of 'escape situation and get somewhere you feel safe'#it sucks bc what I need to get done tonight is extremely important#and this happens every fucking time something like this happens. what do I do here.
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Trying to compartmentalize election anxiety is getting harder and harder. I'm trying to keep a positive head about this, but the high stakes get scarier and scarier.
And I realize that not everyone can compartmentalize this shit as it's more likely to hurt them sooner and faster. My ability to compartmentalize comes not only from pluckyness and strength but mainly privilege. It's not fair that people don't have that privilege or can barely survive! It's bullshit that people still suffer regardless of the quality of the leader!!!
#shut up kelly#venting a tad#okay more than a tad#politics#like don't reblog#for my sake#I've had to compartmentalize as that much stress was too much on me#but November gets closer....#i don't only want time to slow as i fear mortality but to enjoy the time i have left. Hopefully#things work out as they should#unreality#negative
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sometimes I fear death might be easier 😭
#this isn't a cry for help per se I'm just struggling with being ill and worrying about back sliding and tons of stuff is stressful#during the day I'm okay and my new job is very chill and I like it a lot but I feel so stressed I might lose it#I worry about my mom's health and my sister and her kids overseas#I worry about so much that it feels insurmountable and I've been honestly ignoring it and compartmentalizing and refusing to acknowledge an#of it lmao the good news is my cat is doing really well after trying to die on me at not even 3 years old 🥲
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hheuehe
#sorry for the seemingly random post i just wanted to hide in the tags LOL#but ive realised the way ive done my little compartmentalizing issues thing is very stressful T-T#i dont tend to tell ppl negatiev parts of myself unless they have the same problem which is bad !#but its also the best way of minimising threat hagsdhj#like ed ? only to a friend who has one bc then she'll sympathise and not worry too much (we do look out for eachother ofc ofc)#same w sh T-T or like anything its just easier n ppl dont panic over it then#but its also stressful raaaa#prob will delete after but ya T-T
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losing 3-4 hours at a time every day while my brain plays "don't look behind the curtain or think about the fact you're losing time on a regular basis again, here's literally any distraction to keep you from thinking about it!!" is a recipe for kicking my own ass in frustration
#i keep zoning out and realizing i'm just replaying old arguments as something to like#spin out about or think about as a static/noise generator#while some other half of my brain Deals With Shit and it's so frustrating#in addition to yk. the Fear that comes with time loss like that#it's very... we're fine everything is fine life is getting better!#until i realize how much time we're losing and how stressed we are and just how sick and etc.#and how heavily we are compartmentalizing to deal with it i think#which i can hold on to for about 5 minutes before that whole train of thought gets rerouted#like stop lmao let us deal with things please
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varha is honest to god only mentally one foot in most of the time, so to speak, which is why she doesn't seem Nearly as affected by some events as she should be. end result is someone who is both deeply approachable and insanely far away from just about everyone else she meets. it works for situations where they need a prop to address a crowd, less so when it's time to be more serious in private.
queen of dissociation, negative emotions can't catch her except when they totally do lollll
#big final fight of EW was pure 'none of this is real At All' energy uwu#hence why Round Two with zenos was more of 'oh my god why this? Right Now???' bc she will deal with that Later (or be forced to anyway)#she doesn't Like to get serious about stuff because that means she's been touched by it somehow. it's something she didn't get to/#wasn't able to control. she has One surviving family member post calamity and guess when that piece of info became known to her friends?#endwalker lmfao. they were surprised but her brother definitely wasn't#so if she can kind of distance herself from pain she can control how she reacts to it better & thus come off as something untouchable#end result is the (incorrect) assumption that she handles stress very well when its uh. repression & compartmentalization at its finest#catch her off guard to see something more sincere & watch her scramble to brush it off with a joke#she doesn't recover well if she can't and just shuts down pretty much. gets Very irate and starts shutting people out explicitly#doesnt like that either bc she doesn't recognize that part of herself + internalized a long time ago that no one else wants to see it eithe#but yknow. she's a Symbol yadda yadda so she sees that as an excuse to not address any of her issues gfhgjhkj#(estinien just Steamrolling her attempts at deflection whether intentional or not is one of the reasons they can actually function.#he can and will just ask her direct questions that don't have exploitable loopholes so while she doesn't LOVE being in crosshairs like that#he has managed to have better luck than most when it comes to wheedling out honesty & full answers.#50/50 on whether he's aware that he can do this though dfghgjhj)#anyway.#oc tag#varha naiarro
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Office Sleepover - A.H
a/n: this is honestly kind of shit but whatever
might make this a mini series?
part two here!
‧₊˚ ✩°。⋆♡ ⋆˙⟡♡ ⋆˙⟡♡⋆。°✩˚₊‧
pairings: aaron hotchner x fem!reader
summary: in which reader gets put on a hit-list and has to stay in the office (kind of based off when penelope got put on a hit-list by the dirty dozen)
warnings: reader kind of flashes hotch, really inconsistent with how the gov works i'm sure, there's also definitely not an oven in the break room but in my world there is <3
wc: 3.8k
Hotch's voice reached you, but the words tangled into an indecipherable code as they hit the air. You nodded, a reflex, but it was as if your brain had short-circuited. You could make out fragments--a hit on you, stay at office, 24/7 protection, you can take the back office. But no matter how many times he said it, it seemed to ricochet through your head, making less sense each time. You were on a hit list? A hit list?
It all felt very made up, like a script ripped straight out of a tv show. Risk was a part of the BAU job description, but a hit list? For a fleeting moment, a chuckle hovered at the brink of your lips, but it was swiftly swallowed by a wave of dread that rose in its place. You blinked a couple times, probably too many in a vain attempt to clear the fog and bring Hotch's face into focus.
"But what about all my stuff? And you want me to camp out here in the office? For how long, Hotch? I mean, I'm all for overtime, but this is... this is a lot, and I--," you babble, your speech racing ahead of your thoughts. "And my baking? That's my biggest stress reliever. Not to mention my DIY projects--I can't just abandon my half-finished throw pillowcases. Plus, how many pairs of shoes is too many for an office closet?"
Your pout formed a delicate bow, and though he said nothing, his eyes softened. Hotch could feel the frown marring his features. He might never say it, but seeing you like this struck a chord, making it a little hard to breathe.
Circling the desk, he planted himself in front of you, his hand settling on your shoulder. "Hey, take a deep breath," he urges softly. "Let's take it one step at a time. List out what you need, someone will bring it here. Your baking supplies, DIY projects, even your shoes."
True to Hotch's word, as usual, you found every piece of your life carefully compartmentalized into cardboard boxes, lined up carefully in the office that now doubled as your temporary room. There was an odd sense of dislocation in finishing your workday and needing only to count about thirty steps before arriving at your room.
You swung the door closed, the sound sealing the room as a deep sigh wrapped around you and you started sifting through the boxes. The pullout couch serving as your bed was less than appealing, its worn fabric making you grimace internally. Nevertheless, you diverted your attention, busying yourself with the organizing of your extensive collection of things. Spencer would definitely shake his head at the sight of the vast amount of clothes you had brought.
The irony wasn't lost on you; surrounded by the office's ceaseless motion, yet you felt more alone than in the stillness of your own apartment. God, this was pathetic, and you needed a drink, but you had a nagging suspicion the office handbook would have a thing or two to say about that. You spent a solid two hours attempting to infuse the sterile space with a touch of home, it wasn't perfect (at all), but it would have to do.
Rossi knocks on the doorframe, poking his head in with a grin. "I didn't realize we were redecorating the bureau in shades of bubblegum," he teases. "How you doing, kid?"
"Actually, it's blush," you correct with a mock-serious tone, meeting his smile with one of your own. "I'm fine," you insist, but Rossi's knowing look prompts a quick add-on. "I am, really, I mean I've always said I wanted my own office."
"An office with a view of the bullpen, no less. You're living the dream," he says, his eyes scanning the room. "Need any help with anything? Or anything else from your place? Maybe your favorite mug to make feel more like home?"
"Don't worry, I'm already one step ahead of you," you assure him, revealing a drawer brimming with mugs.
Rossi lets out a low appreciative whistle. "Why am I not surprised?" he chuckles with a broad grin. "Well, I'm heading out for the night. Remember, I'm just a call away if you need anything. And Hotch is still here, buried in paperwork as usual."
He left, and you were alone--a cue to try and cling to some normalcy of your routine; you drew the blinds and slipped into the comfort of your pajamas. You hauled yourself off to the office bathroom, reluctantly at that, and proceeded to attend to your skincare, brush your hair, and polish your smile with a thorough teeth brushing.
Eyeing the hallway warily, you made a silent exit from the bathroom, the carpet softening your footfalls. But in your rush to avoid prying eyes, you crashed into a solid wall of a figure, the force sending you tumbling backward. You hit the floor with a muted thud, your ass hitting the ground, legs splayed inelegantly in front of you. Your eyes rose to meet the firm, penetrating look of Hotch. Of fucking course.
There was a pause as Hotch's eyes drank in the sight of your flushed complexion and the wide, doe-like eyes that seemed to capture the light just so. He felt like his heart could stop then and there. And he knew it was wrong, but he certainly liked the sight of you sprawled below him. He blinked, breaking the trance, and offered a concerned, "Are you okay?" His hands were outstretched, ready to pull you back to your feet.
Your cheeks turned a deeper shade as you held onto Hotch's hand, the feeling unexpectedly comforting, rough in yours but nice. "What? Oh, yeah, I'm all good, sorry about that," you managed to say, the words squeaking out a tad too eagerly.
You stood up, and his closeness was all-consuming. You were suddenly intensely aware of every breath, every throb of your heart, and your mind went blank; the usual stream of thoughts replaced by a buzzing silence.
His eyes held yours for a fraction longer than necessary before he stepped back, creating a respectful distance. The hallway's warmth seemed to dissipate with the space, leaving you with an unexpected stab of disappointment.
"Rossi said you'd be here. Anything I can do to help?"
You rationalized the offer as a gesture of your goodwill, but a small part, well a big part, of you knew just wanted to be close to him, to be alone with him maybe--in the office, after hours, in his office. This was weird, I mean, you'd always admired your Unit Chief, but this was different. You chalked it up to the day's unfortunate series of events--you were tired, and lonely, and you needed desperately to snap out of it before you made a fool out of yourself.
"No, you need to rest. It's been a long day, and you've been through enough." He paused, his gaze assessing you. "How are you holding up?"
"At this rate, I'll need a sign that says 'I'm fine,' to stop the check-ins." Although you silently doubted that would deter him. You gesture to the surroundings. "And this? It's like a sleepover at work. Just hoping this so-called hit man doesn't show up."
Hotch internally recoiled at your words, leaving him with the sensation of a cold grasp tightening around his heart. He cleared his throat, the joke falling flat in the gravity of his concern. "I'll be here for a while longer. If you need anything, don't hesitate to come find me," he managed a nod before retreating to his office.
A while longer? You knew Hotch was a workaholic, but it now occurred to you that he must never sleep. Quickly, you gathered your scattered belongings, and made your way to your office.
The pull-out couch seemed even less inviting than you remembered, if that was possible. You perched on the edge, the metallic frame cold through the thin mattress. As you lay down, the couch seemed to swallow you in its awkward angles. Perfect. Tossing and turning, you struggled to find a comfortable spot. Eventually, exhaustion won over discomfort, the rhythm of your own breathing lulling you into a fitful sleep.
Your eyes flickered open at some point during the night and the blinds drifted apart, as if by an unseen hand, and through the gap, your eyes fell on a hooded figure, the face not visible in the dim light. Your muscles locked in terror, an icy fear clawing its way up your spine as you tried to move--to reach for your gun, to call out for Hotch, to do anything. But as if imprisoned by an invisible force, you could only watch, confined to the bed, as the figure crept towards the door.
A scream tore from your throat, a raw and piercing sound that ricocheted off the walls and echoed through your eyes. This was it, you thought.
Then, in an instant, you were awake and disoriented, your breaths coming in short bursts, and your body covered in a sheen of cold sweat. Your fingers clenched the sheets, the fabric twisting in your grasp as you fought to decipher what was reality. Your eyes snapped to the blinds, half-expecting to see the figure from your dream materialize, but the emptiness beyond them slowly calmed your racing heart.
With a throat dry as parchment and your pulse still echoing in your ears, you drifted from your room towards the break room. As you ambled past Hotch's office, you paused. The door, slightly ajar, felt like an invitation. Despite knowing better, a foggy curiosity nudged your feet forward. With a shaky breath, you eased the door open wider and slipped inside.
His office felt different at night--it was quieter, more personal, and you felt like an intruder on Hotch's private world. You took a moment, absorbing the sight of his meticulously organized desk, the case files that were always present.
It was tempting to try to piece together the man from his workspace, but you held back. As you turned to leave, a familiar scent stopped you--the subtle hint of his cologne hanging in the air. It wrapped around you, easing the tension that had sunk into your limbs. Almost without thinking, you found yourself sinking into the couch.
The room, infused with his distinct scent, seemed to have your blinking growing heavier, more intentional. You nestled deeper into the cushions; the fabric familiar beneath your fingers, lulling you into a sense of security. Just five minutes, you thought.
Hotch's steps were slow, his eyelids having a hard time staying open as he made his way through the bullpen. He carried his briefcase, the leather handle worn and conformed to his hand. He contemplated a detour to your office, a silent check-in to ease his mind, but he dismissed the idea--you were probably still asleep, and he'd definitely look like a creep. Reaching his own office, he noticed the door ajar, a sliver of morning light spilling through the gap.
He stepped into the room, and time seemed to stand still as his gaze landed on the couch. There you were, fast asleep on his couch. Your hand lay gently under your cheek, a makeshift pillow softening the hard angles beneath, while your nose gave the faintest twitches. Your lips were parted as if mid-whisper and strands of your hair were splayed in a disarrayed crown around your head. He knew that in no way could that have been comfortable. It hurt his back just looking at you, but still you looked so peaceful.
He moved with quiet steps, heat creeping up his neck as he placed his things on the desk. Turning back to you, he couldn't help but notice the gentle dishevelment of your pajamas, buttons undone in innocent disarray, the fabric parting to reveal the gentle slope of your breasts. He felt an odd mix of emotions--a gentle chiding for finding you in such state, and the guilt of finding the sight so undeniably sweet.
A quiet cough escaped him, more out of habit than necessity, as he approached a cabinet where blankets were neatly stacked--a nod to many nights spent just as you were. He draped one over you, his movements slow and unhurried, shielding you from potential curious eyes before finding his normal place behind the wooden desk.
He tried to focus--really, he did. I mean, he had a towering pile of paperwork and responsibilities that demanded his attention. But despite his best efforts, his gaze involuntarily drifted to you time and time again. It was as if he needed visual confirmation of your steady breathing to assure himself that you were okay. He thought about you here all night, alone, and he found his knuckles whiten against the grip of his pen. He knew you had security on you at all times, but somehow, he found no comfort in that.
Hotch's eyes flicked to the clock--7:30 am. You still had at least another half an hour before you technically needed to start work, although truth be told he would let you sleep as long as your body allowed. There was no way in hell he was going to disturb you when you looked so content.
As Hotch worked, the morning light grew stronger, casting a warm glow over his desk. It was nearly 9 am when the sound of shifting fabric eventually roused you. You were waking up, blinking away the remnants of sleep, confusion etched on your face. As your eyes caught sight of the clock and Hotch, mortification set it.
"Oh my gosh, Hotch. I am so sorry," you blurted out, embarrassment coloring your cheeks. "You could've woken me up--I... I should've set an alarm. And I shouldn't even be here, but I can explain, sort of..."
In a flurry of motion, you leapt from the couch, only to feel a sudden tug at your chest as a button from your top snagged on a stray thread. The fabric pulled open, revealing way more than what was appropriate for your boss to see. Your face turned a shade redder as you scrambled to cover up. Hotch, momentarily sidetracked by the sight of the cleavage of your tits once again, quickly refocused and interrupted your flustered explanations.
"It's fine," he assured. "Given everything that's happened, you needed the rest." He nodded towards the couch. "You're always welcome to sleep here if you need to--though I can't promise it'll be any more comfortable next time."
"Oh no, it was super comfortable, really," you insist, despite the awkwardness clinging to your words. Hotch gives you a look that says he's not entirely convinced. "Okay, well, I'm going to uh... go," you mumble, stopping short at the door with a sudden concern.
Hotch understands immediately and offers, "They're all in the briefing room--won't be out for a while."
With a relieved nod, and minimal eye contact, you dash out, hoping to reach your office unnoticed. But because the world just hated you these past days, just as you're rushing by, Morgan's hands come to your shoulders to stop you.
"Easy there, mama," he teases, a smile on his face. But as he gets a good look at your attire, his grin grows wider. "What in the world...?" he starts, laughter in his voice. He glances from you to Hotch's office door, then back again. "Hold up, hold up--you didn't... with Hotch? Are you?"
"What? No, Morgan, absolutely not! Why would you even--oh my god," you gasp, wishing the ground would swallow you whole. God, I mean, the day hasn't even started, and you needed it to end. Realizing your voice has risen in your flustered state, you quickly lower it to a harsh whisper, your eyes darting around to ensure no one overheard. "Why would you even suggest that?"
"Um, maybe because you're making a grand exit from the boss man's office in your PJs? Just a wild guess."
"No, Morgan, it's not what you think," you insist, but your attention snaps to the sound of the team's voices nearing the door. "I don't have time for this," you mutter, darting back to your office.
In a whirlwind, you shed the pajamas, slip into your work attire, and hastily run a brush through your hair. Good enough.
You threw yourself into work, the stack of papers becoming a welcome distraction, a rare sense of relief rather than the familiar dread. It was a considerable effort to divert your mind from the distractions--Hotch, the hit man, and Morgan's incessant teasing. Not that anyone would believe that you and Hotch were together; he was the very definition of sophisticated, handsome, and successful, and you were just, well, you.
Not that there was anything wrong with you. You liked yourself just fine; you laughed too loudly at jokes, talked to your houseplants as if they were your old friends, and you had an odd fascination with weather patterns. These things made you wholly you. You just knew you couldn't be more different from Hotch.
With a bit of luck and purposeful avoiding, your day passed smoothly, sparing you any unnecessary run-ins with Hotch. Everyone had gone home for the day which is why you stood in the break room attempting some baking recipe from Pinterest.
The slippers on your feet padded against the carpet as you hummed around the room. With swift motions, you ushered the coffee cake batter into the oven, then turned to tackle the mess you had created on the countertops. Cleaning as you go wasn't your usual style, but office break room didn't seem like the place for your usual creative sprawl.
Your phone had buzzed incessantly with Penelope's calls--her offers the keep you company is why you loved her, but you weren't going to subject her to that, no matter how many times she said she didn't mind.
Hotch's office was quiet, save for the soft scratching of his pen against paper as he finally closed his files. He moved into bullpen and as he passed the breakroom, the soft hum of the light and faint sound of movement drew him in. There you were, engrossed in tidying up, with your hair casually gathered above your shoulders and wearing your sweats, Hotch found him instinctively pausing to watch.
He knew he shouldn't bother you, knew he was likely the last person you'd want to see, yet he found himself rooted to the spot, his gaze fixed on you, the warmth in his chest intensifying with each fleeting second.
The moment you turned and saw a figure, a sharp gasp cut through the silence, and the icing in your grasp became a sweet projectile that flew across the room. Relief washed over you as you realized who it was.
"Jeez, Hotch, give me a heart attack why don't you," you said, half-laughing as your heart rate settled. "Especially when there's a hitman who might beat you to the punch."
Hotch parted his lips to speak, but you were quicker, a stream of thoughts tumbling out before you could stop them. "I thought everyone was gone. You weren't at your desk earlier--oh wait, you had that meeting with the DOJ, right? Did they have anything about the people who marked me?"
In your haste, you closed the gap between you, and only then did you spot the icing on his cheek. "Oh, sorry about that, Hotch," you said with an apologetic grin, reaching out as if to wipe it away.
As your palm made contact with his skin, a shared realization of the intimacy of the gesture washed over you. Time seemed to slow as your thumb traced a lingering path through the icing, your whisper barely audible, "There."
The word seemed to hang in the air as you froze, the proximity suddenly overwhelming, your breath caught in your throat. Hotch's backward step was almost imperceptible, but it was enough. You cleared your throat awkwardly, cheeks warming with a flush. "Um, did you need something?"
Hotch shook his head slightly, "No, just wanted to check on you before I head out."
You gave a thumbs up, mustering a smile. "Well, consider me checked."
Hotch nodded, his expression unreadable. "Goodnight," he said, to which you echoed in response as you watched him leave.
Alone now, you slumped against the counter, your hand pressed to your face. Consider me checked? God, someone needed to tape your mouth shut.
#aaron hotchner x reader#aaron hotchner#criminal minds fanfic#hotch#hotchner#aaron hotch hotchner#ssa hotchner#agent hotchner#cm#aaron hotchner x fem!reader#aaron hotchner x fem reader#Spotify
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So here's a very sad pattern for Halsin: he is used to putting his feelings to the side as well as dealing with everything alone.
If the Rite of Thorns completes, he says "The Rite of Thorns...? No. The grove is lost to me. To everyone. It's useless for me to stay here... there's nothing left to fight for. I will find you at your camp, and help you with your problem. Right now, I... I need to go be alone."
In the cut scenario where the player could interfere with Halsin's portal, collapsing it and dooming the Shadow-Cursed Lands: "Words won't repair what's been done to this land. Nothing will... I need to be alone" and "there is nothing more to be said... I need to be alone."
There are also lines in the goblin camp, if Kagha or all of the Druids have been killed, where Halsin indicates that he is experienced in compartmentalizing his emotions until he can feel them properly.
If Kagha dies: "Kagha... This is my fault - I was her teacher. I will mourn her when I can. But there are other matters to attend to before that."
If the Druids die and the player explains (as opposed to taunting Halsin): "Then... then it is as you say. They forgot their principles; you had no choice. I will mourn them when I can. But there are other matters to attend to before that."
It says a lot about Halsin, I think, that he is so ready to put off grieving properly when he learns his second in command or all of his Druids have died, and that he is used to the primary way for him to feel pain is alone.
He says it repeatedly, how he lost his confidantes and peers to the Shadow Curse, and they were replaced with unrelenting responsibility. It was so bad, his isolation so total that the Druids let him slip into a very dark place mentally. He mentions having grown overly fond of honey mead and nights alone (processing his grief entirely alone, and also depending on alcohol to do what human connection couldn't), and that he was so stressed he began to look fondly on his past as a sex slave, because it truly felt like a better alternative for him than what he was currently facing. He was miserable and lonely and honestly, likely very unwell mentally- and no one at his Grove intervened, leading to him having an instinctive need to do everything alone by the time you meet him. He doesn't even expect others to help him physically anymore; listen to how shocked he sounds when you save him from Orin. "You came for me... thank you."
He's so used to having to bear everyone's problems and his own too. It just breaks my heart. :(
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As antagonistic as my brain can be towards me it can also be really helpful without my input. If I'm pushed to the breaking point my brain will do everything it can to help me.
Sometimes that means forcing me to hyperfixate on something so I can cope with a stressful situation. Sometimes it just shuts off my emotions entirely so I can face the issue head-on without dealing with emotional overload. Sometimes compartmentalizes my problems so that I can deal with them piece by piece instead of all at once.
I wish I had full control over this because sometimes my brain just goes on vacation when I really need it not to.
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Buck as in young. Buck as in up. Buck as in the trend. Buck as in the fight against restraint. Buck as in his first scene is him fuckin in a stolen firetruck. Buck as in short and one syllable and easy to shout. Buck as in bark. Buck as in the punchy B, the clacking K. Buck as onomatopoeia.
Evan as in two syllables. Evan as in soft vowels and lower lips curled under teeth. Evan as in exhale. Evan as in gentle. Evan as in sighed. Evan as in stressed, as in ground out, as in snapped. Evan as in hurt, as in pain, as in trouble. Evan as trouble. Evan as in be still. Be quiet. Behave. Be Daniel.
Evan as in there were three other Evans at the academy. Evan as in everyone calls me Buck.
Evan shortened to Buck. Evan grew up to Buck. Evan compartmentalized to Buck. Evan Buckley. Buck. An offered hand, a tight grip, a firm handshake. Buck as in being a firefighter is my life okay? It is the only thing that I have ever done that is important and that mattered. Without it I don't have- Buck as in you will still be Buck. And we will all love you. As Buck.
Evan as in take care. Evan as in I think you're adorable. Evan as in nobody meant to exclude you. Evan as in you have nothing to apologize for.
Evan as in Tommy's.
Evan as Tommy's.
#3 am notes app entry ft flowery language abt names#evan buckley#tommy kinard#bucktommy#911#911 abc#911 meta#this is your captain speaking#911save
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