#and being at uni in general
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the amount of stress i'm feeling on mondays bc the next day is tuesday and that means facing The Horrors 💀💀💀
#the horrors being a full 10 hours day at uni 💀#and being at uni in general#starting to think that this is not for me#this meaning being a student#or maybe it's that course not being for me i don't fucking know anymore#i don't know!!! and it's killing me !!!#maybe i should finish this semester and take a break. like. a full year break. from everything.#will it help? i have no fucking idea 🙃#but maybe it's something i Need to do#idk idk idk idk#i always feel stuck in place and like i have no idea where i'm going#something something everyone was born with a map but mine is blank and noone told me directions something something#and it's nearly april too#i wanted to have it figured out by february. FEBRUARY#and what. nothing#neg#agnes talking
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creating for a fandom from teenage years to adulthood is so special because you can see where your subconscious was through the history of your works
#just thought about this because i for fun started drafting a fic where marinette's 21 and seeing people her age doing#'grown up' stuff like getting married#and she's like? what? i still go to my mum when i need help? how are people my age having BABIES when i AM a baby?#but last year i was writing a lot about first year of uni vibes or living with flatmates etc#the year before that i was writing about dealing with depression and anxiety and feeling constantly at war with yourself and people you love#before that i was writing about friendships drifting away after the transition from secondary education -> further education#before that it was about dealing with jealousy when you have feelings for someone but not knowing how to properly articulate it#before that it was general stuff about impostor syndrome and worrying about inherently not being good enough#i dont know. i just love that i can see my own growth through how i have written and do write marinette and adrien#they have grown with me...! from 15 to 16 to 17 to 18 to 19 to 20 to 21#♡alizeh talks♡
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today on random languages my brain is going 👀 at is biblical hebrew and biblical greek
#the following tags will have discussions of my faith and christianity in general so if you're not interested in that then stop reading ig#some lore: in my early teens i did consider doing a theology degree at uni and becoming an ordained minister/taking a role in the church#this was before i found out a) in my denomination only men can be ministers (deaconesses exist but yeah) and b) the church as an institutio#is pretty yikes#and then finding out i'm queer and nonbinary threw other spanners in there but despite it all my faith is still so so important to me#i want to start learning about christian/comparative theology more broadly to understand both my own faith and others' better#idk why but today i randomly ended up on the webpage for the theological college in NI and was just looking through the courses they offer#maybe someday in the distant future i'll have the money and time to burn to do an online postgrad degree with them#but yeah they have a postgrad certificate in biblical greek 👀 which looked v cool#the internet is a wonderful place and i found a pretty comprehensive looking biblical hebrew course on youtube and i'd probs be able to fin#biblical greek somewhere if i looked hard enough#greek and hebrew are both such linguistically interesting languages and being able to read some would also help in my theological adventure#so new side quest just dropped ig? at least it's my reading week this week so I can dabble in them with no consequences#i've also been wanting to try and learn a language via an immersion focus - obvs can't do full immersion with biblical greek and hebrew but#yeah using a less grammar and vocab focused approach than i'm used to#i have access to digital bibles so i could just choose a v literal english translation and then try and parse what's happening?#yeah we'll see#langblr#ellis exclaims
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day so bad u go hmm what if i watched brother bear
#so i got back into my house 👍 but the lock is gonna have to be completely changed bc it's fucking 'specialist' or some shit#so ive had to go knocking on my neighbours like hi pleaseee dont lock the gate to the back alley bc i cant get in my house otherwise hahaha#and im basically reliant on them which i HATEEE HATE HATE HATEHGDJK#HE JUST FUCKING RANG ME OH MY GOD#so basically my estate agent saw me being stressed and locked out and generally needing his help/vulnerable#and went 'yeah im gonna shoot my shot'. men arent real#he tried to ask me to get coffee with him and now he's RINGING ME. OUT OF HOURS#MAHORAGA HELPPPP HELPPPPP HELP ME#and im here like 'if i reject him or act cold will it affect how quick my lock gets fixed and if i can access my house?' I HATE THIS WORLD#so that's been my day. was scaling walls and shit to get in the first time#and apparently the new lock will take a WEEK to arrive. im so fucking done man#hella goes to uni
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straight up not respecting some of the alleged p2 characters' ages as they were given on the VA's papers bc you're telling me this is a 27yo man on the left & a 35(!)yo woman on the right? you jest. this woman is in her 20s at most. she doesn't have a wrinkle of age on her face. just worry. i know men age like milk this is taking the piss. i know patho 2 is the "hot blemishless 20something white(-passing) women" game but at this point own it. don't try lying to me. she doesn't look a day past 29. got friends below 25 with more winkles. in the first half of the 20th century too. where would she be getting her anti-aging serums.
you're telling me this woman who's a chronic worrier, dealing with chronic pain, who smokes like a locomotive to cope is allegedly 5 years Older than this guy who's been drinking himself to sleep for like 5 years.
(mike's mic voice) don't piss me off
#alledged(?) VA papers? would love to have a peep. might go wander VK if i can make the trek#sorry for getting heated over p2 yulia again. it's no secret i vastly prefer her design in p1#but this is aggravating. chrewly.#i know why that is. i knooooowwww why that is. it's because people in the team (coughs) (coughs) & in Media in general cannaeeeeee stand to#create women who actually look over 25. even women who are supposed to be older.#which while a media Trope/problem across media and genre it's not helped with a certain writer's. hmmm. alleged proclivities.#i would respect her being 35 if you have her to me looking 35. her skin is as smooth as 10 yrs younger Lara with one (1) slit#between the brows that just seems to come from her being a thinker & a worrier. nuh-uh!#ah hell naw!!!#i'm profoundly a p1 ages truther except for most of the kids + rubin. i know men age like milk but that guy is Not 23.#also p2 27yo daniil vs 30yo twins They Have Naht met at first year uni with that timeline. & it is important for me that they do.#most of the kids being averaged to ~15 real to me though. we all been here.#neigh (blabbers)#some of the ages on it make no sense [not just yulia but also like. aspity. who looks like a 20something & is actually ageless/5yo]#& while i can guess it's for like The Vibes / voice acting direction i assume it would make more sense to give the actual age & then add#like context to why they would sound older because that's something you might(?) need to know... would really want to see that with my eyes
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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speaking of hairdressers, i just remembered my mother wanted me very badly to become a hairdresser. she started the hairdressing propaganda campaign when i was in first grade or late kindergarten or something and it continued unabated until i graduated high school (??)
needless to say i have never once in my life expressed the wish to become a hairdresser
#❓#and then i was like no. i WILL go to uni to study philosophy and literature and she threw the biggest and longest lasting rage tantrum ever#girl. what#i think generally the opposite happens.#she was so obsessed with beauty and femininity (and my hair specifically also) and also with being The Only IntellectualTM of the family...#top ten carmine lore updates. you are all very grateful i'm sure
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Let me take you to the moon and back.
Beginning of Lemon Gen // Previous // Next
#okay the rocket ship didn't end up being sol's final uni project#but they did finish it before gray graduates#and the first thing they wanted to was take it for a ride#arcoberry legacy#nsb lemon#generation 3 lemon#ts4 story#ts4 legacy#sims 4 legacy#legacy challenge#not so berry#sims 4#not so berry challenge#ts4 not so berry#soleil arcoberry#grayson finley
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it's normal to be disappointed when you learn that your dreams are already dead. but just like a phoenix, our death will lead us to our own rebirth; and like a supernova, some deaths are beautiful.
#context is in the tags where i hide#which will be a lot#so uh#you all probably know about... my au.#all the team is busy. of course including me.#one's in uni; the other... idk. probably living his life.#as i mentioned in a previous post i've been missing the times when the group was still as active as how young people would be#and the youthful days i had in general#one thing i used to be scared of is change.#now i don't think i'm scared of change anymore. just dreadful but no longer scared#because change is inevitable and there's nothing we can do#so uhhh#go with the flow i guess#i always let the people i cherish live their own lives and i give them all the privacy they need#even if it means not being able to keep in touch with them#that is if they'd still remember me#whether they would or wouldn't that's okay with me#(no hard feelings everything is genuine and honest)#so... let's go straight to the point#the au would probably end up being solely written... that is if the art stuff doesn't push through#it's not like i've grown sick of those 'promises' i totally understand them i SWEAR.#i just don't wish to be misunderstood but like i just. couldn't spit all of it out in front of them#i'm sorry for being a coward#and if you see this... i don't know. probably tell me how you're doing? and either give me hopes that this could all still be sorted out-#or tell me if it's impossible at this point?#please just don't give me any false hope.#and... if we all ever don't push through#i'm genuinely sorry if i tired you or wasted your time and energy.#i'm sorry for dragging you to all my demands and perfectionisms and insecurities#missing entry
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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what is it about becoming an academic that makes you like bad poetry
#julia.txt#NUANCE : a generalization ofc#and VERY subjective To Me and what poetry i Like#i just like being dramatic#but for reals#i think that uni professors and academics are more likely to assign poems that are interesting because of Their Structure#rather than like. it Hits You. you know#way more likely to talk about oh isnt this structure clever see this reference here see this there#rather than. The Contents? if that makes sense#analyse de fond vs analyse de forme <- forgor the terms in english#AND IDK. my friend shows me the poems she gets assigned#and they all just feel. Empty to me. again very subjective but#sure the structure is interesting but is it Saying Anything. is it Actuslly anything beyond havimg this number of syllables in each third#line#idk man ❤️ peace and love on planet earth forever#more nuance: if you're learning about poetry in an academic setting it makes sense that theres emphasis on structure#and the self referential world surrounding poetry#but im sure theres poems that have those aspects without being bad ❤️ (to me. again)
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adhd will have you forgetting or procrastinating tasks that keep you alive and people treat it like it's just an excuse for not doing homework
#i will procrastinate shit you wouldn't even believe could be procrastinated#*it obviously is also an excuse for not being able 2 do homewrk when u were in school/uni. no reading comprehension bitches leave me alone!#obvs when i say people im specifying the way it's described in general by neurotypical ppl
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I’m so sorry for being the slowest reactor ever but I can not believe they’re naming the next big Sonic game “Sonic x Shadow”.
Like the person who approved it probably has no idea what it implies other than a cool way to say collab or whatever or that theory about it being a cover up to purge the ship art in search results is true. Either way, besides the fans. I’m sure some people who work on Sonic know as well, I mean look at the American social media account.
Can you imagine the stupidest conversations you would get from this? Do you realize future generations will have to learn about the Sonadow fandom at its peak or even the insane ship haters knowing that this game is fucking official.
SONIC TEAM WHY IS YOUR GAME NAMED THAT?!?!! THERE ARE OTHER NAMES AND YET YOU CHOOSE THIS ONE!!
“Oh this song is nice where’s it from?”
“Sonic x Shadow”
“What’s your favourite game?”
“Sonic x Shadow”
This will not get old to me, and I’m sorry for beating it like a dead horse. If this was done when I was 13, then that horse will be pass the Earth’s core.
#like I said I’m sorry for being a grandma with reacting#let me have this#I blame uni for my delayed reaction#yeah it’s called sonic x shadow generations but that’s too long#also sorry for rambling about a video game title#hello newer people who have decided to follow me in the last month or so yeah I was a sonic kid#vio.txt#sonic
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guys is it too late to 180 what i want to do at uni . i am so indecisive and everything interests me
#delete later#im at the beginning of yr13 btw its not like im going in a week i do have time#BUT..... IDK....#im doing the most generic stem a levels ever i could do basically whatever i wanted provided i get the grades for it#i havent even started my personal statement . idk what to do#its so unfair that i can apply to five unis but only have one personal statement like sorry for being interested in a variety of things#google how do i tell if imgeniunely interested in something or if ive just watched a movie about it too recently
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still thinking about ‘from rupert (not the bear)’
#my neighbour has been a bit of a hardass all year so I got it in my head that he hates us and was generally a bit of a dick#and I knocked on his door multiple times the past few days to be like hi pls don’t lock the street gate I can’t get in my house otherwise#and I was convinced he’d give me shit about it and then he just WOULDNT ANSWER HIS DOOR ANYWAY#even tho I share a wall with him I can HEAR that he’s in so I was getting so frustrated#and in the end I posted a note to him explaining the situation#and HE POSTED A REALLY SWEET NOTE BACK SAYING IT WAS NO PROBLEM#and he signed off with ‘from no.38 aka rupert (not the bear)’#and I’m genuinely choked up about it. it was hours ago I’m still here#it’s a mix of me being due on + being very stressed non-stop for 2 days and not expecting such a silly kind thing#but also ik he lives alone and he barely leaves his house and initially I thought he was just rude bc that’s the vibe he gave#but this tiny act of like. reaching out? has made me rethink and now I’m convinced he’s lonely in there#and I’m gonna CRYYYYY#HE DIDNT NEED TO EVEN RESPOND BUT HE DID. (not the bear) HEAD IN MY HANDSSSS#hella goes to uni
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Alright uninformed rant time. It kind of bugs me that, when studying the Middle Ages, specifically in western Europe, it doesn’t seem to be a pre-requisite that you have to take some kind of “Basics of Mediaeval Catholic Doctrine in Everyday Practise” class.
Obviously you can’t cover everything- we don’t necessarily need to understand the ins and outs of obscure theological arguments (just as your average mediaeval churchgoer probably didn’t need to), or the inner workings of the Great Schism(s), nor how apparently simple theological disputes could be influenced by political and social factors, and of course the Official Line From The Vatican has changed over the centuries (which is why I’ve seen even modern Catholics getting mixed up about something that happened eight centuries ago). And naturally there are going to be misconceptions no matter how much you try to clarify things for people, and regional/class/temporal variations on how people’s actual everyday beliefs were influenced by the church’s rules.
But it would help if historians studying the Middle Ages, especially western Christendom, were all given a broadly similar training in a) what the official doctrine was at various points on certain important issues and b) how this might translate to what the average layman believed. Because it feels like you’re supposed to pick that up as you go along and even where there are books on the subject they’re not always entirely reliable either (for example, people citing books about how things worked specifically in England to apply to the whole of Europe) and you can’t ask a book a question if you’re confused about any particular point.
I mean I don’t expect to be spoonfed but somehow I don’t think that I’m supposed to accumulate a half-assed religious education from, say, a 15th century nobleman who was probably more interested in translating chivalric romances and rebelling against the Crown than religion; an angry 16th century Protestant; a 12th century nun from some forgotten valley in the Alps; some footnotes spread out over half a dozen modern political histories of Scotland; and an episode of ‘In Our Time’ from 2009.
But equally if you’re not a specialist in church history or theology, I’m not sure that it’s necessary to probe the murky depths of every minor theological point ever, and once you’ve started where does it end?
Anyway this entirely uninformed rant brought to you by my encounter with a sixteenth century bishop who was supposedly writing a completely orthodox book to re-evangelise his flock and tempt them away from Protestantism, but who described the baptismal rite in a way that sounds decidedly sketchy, if not heretical. And rather than being able to engage with the text properly and get what I needed from it, I was instead left sitting there like:
And frankly I didn’t have the time to go down the rabbit hole that would inevitably open up if I tried to find out
#This is a problem which is magnified in Britain I think as we also have to deal with the Hangover from Protestantism#As seen even in some folk who were raised Catholic but still imbibed certain ideas about the Middle Ages from culturally Protestant schools#And it isn't helped when we're hit with all these popular history tv documentaries#If I have to see one more person whose speciality is writing sensational paperbacks about Henry VIII's court#Being asked to explain for the British public What The Pope Thought I shall scream#Which is not even getting into some of England's super special common law get out clauses#Though having recently listened to some stuff in French I'm beginning to think misconceptions are not limited to Great Britain#Anyway I did take some realy interesting classes at uni on things like marriage and religious orders and so on#But it was definitely patchy and I definitely do not have a good handle on how it all basically hung together#As evidenced by the fact that I've probably made a tonne of mistakes in this post#Books aren't entirely helpful though because you can't ask them questions and sometimes the author is just plain wrong#I mean I will take book recommendations but they are not entirely helpful; and we also haven't all read the same stuff#So one person's idea of what the basics of being baptised involved are going to radically differ from another's based on what they read#Which if you are primarily a political historian interested in the Hundred Years' War doesn't seem important eonugh to quibble over#But it would help if everyone was given some kind of similar introductory training and then they could probe further if needed/wanted#So that one historian's elementary mistake about baptism doesn't affect generations of specialists in the Hundred Years' War#Because they have enough basic knowledge to know that they can just discount that tiny irrelevant bit#This is why seminars are important folks you get to ASK QUESTIONS AND FIGURE OUT BITS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND#And as I say there is a bit of a habit in this country of producing books about say religion in mediaeval England#And then you're expected to work out for yourself which bits you can extrapolate and assume were true outwith England#Or France or Scotland or wherever it may be though the English and the French are particularly bad for assuming#that whatever was true for them was obviously true for everyone else so why should they specify that they're only talking about France#Alright rant over#Beginning to come to the conclusion that nobody knows how Christianity works but would like certain historians to stop pretending they do#Edit: I sort of made up the examples of the historical people who gave me my religious education above#But I'm now enamoured with the idea of who actually did give me my weird ideas about mediaeval Catholicism#Who were my historical godparents so to speak#Do I have an idea of mediaeval religion that was jointly shaped by some professor from the 1970s and a 6th century saint?#Does Cardinal Campeggio know he's responsible for some much later human being's catechism?#Fake examples again but I'm going to be thinking about that today
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