#and also the last year before the pandemic
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the 2010s sure were a time in my life
#there's just....... there's just something about that time#it might have something to do with 2011 being the year i started high school and 2019 being the year i finished my BA#and also the last year before the pandemic#I DON'T KNOW I JUST. THINKING BACK ON IT THERE IS THIS MYSTIQUE TO THAT TIME. THIS STRANGE EXCITEMENT#which is most likely a result of me finally beginning to feel like i can shape my own life and who i am and daydreaming abt a better future#and like exploring myself. in 2010 i turned 14 and fully realised i'm bi and throughout the decade#i experimented with a variety of different like...... identifications and imaginations of who i am#some of those were quite consumer identities (e.g. i strove to be and was a very hipster teen) but nevertheless#i don't know dudes like. the pandemic took a lot from me in terms of ability to be excited about what's to come i think#even though my life is pretty good i'd say#but also maybe that's just what it's like to grow into adulthood and get a job etc. SIGH why am i writing an entire fucking essay#abt my 2010s teenagehood nostalgia#like majority of those years also SUCKED because i had zero real irl friends and was really lonely lmfao#it felt like life didn't really start for me yet#and i was constantly waiting to burst into it. maybe that's the mystique. constantly hoping i am on the precipice of smth extraordinary#is nostalgia for one's teenage yrs inevitable? even if you feel like you missed out on most experiences considered quintessentially teenage?#i only started having Teenage Experiences™ when i went to uni lmfao (i.e. early 20s)#but idk it's such a loaded period psychologically and it's horrible and frustrating when you're living it but then you think back on it#and you're like man..... sure was a time huh. wow#but idk my experience could also be influenced by so many other variables#e.g. smartphones and social networks becoming widespread and common#that was also a pretty significant thing that happened#anyway i think i'm abt to run out of tags so. that's it#sry this shoulda gone into my diary probably but i inflicted it on you instead#neptalks
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one of my best friends is about to have a baby today........... so weird to be on the periphery of something so life changing. I want to go "life is going to change forever" as if it hasn't already
#I was thinking last night about how different we both are from the versions of us that were being young and active and busy and fit in pgh#before the pandemic and before her very targeted focused dating efforts yielded her the result she wanted (her now-husband)#[also I don't say that cattily lol she had the most coolheaded and down-to-business approach to dating bc she knew what she wanted.#and it worked!]#anyways I think back on that halcyon year of 2019 when we went to spin classes and spent every weekend doing something#or hanging out in her tiny mt. washington studio where we could watch downtown buzz at night#truly it was such a short period of time in retrospect. she convinced me to move here + then a year and a half later the whole world changed#and so too did we#I miss the her of those years (and I miss the me) but I'm making peace with not getting her back. it's cool to see her on this new journey#which she has worked so very hard for. like I cannot overstate the methodical and intentional way in which she has shaped her life to be#what she wants out of it. accounting for many bumps along the way that she's weathered admirably.#anyways within the next 48 hours she should be a mom. that's crazy#I feel weird when everyone around me is making lifechanging moves while I'm ''ho hum where should I go on vacation in the next 2 years'' lol#ay yai yai. strange to not want things other people want and being fine with that until you start losing touchpoints with your peers#then you're like. hang on now. what am I supposed to be doing right now
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I am on twitter, though I'm planning to leave that cesspit for good because the muskrat's gone and turned it into a shitshow of a mirror for the loosest minds of parler, truth social, and mumsnet.
Yes, crystals can store a lot of information using a femtosecond laser. But it's just an improved microfilm that is even harder to make and read. It's not a revolution, it's an expensive toy.
By the way, the trump administration doesn't exist yet, so it can't look into anything. It's not doing anything because there is no such thing. The current administration is biden's, and it's the only one.
To be clear, you cannot digitise people's consciousness. That has never happened and no one knows how to do it. The main issue with this is absolutely not lack of storage space. If you had a digitised consciousness on your hands you could also not put it back inside a human body.
It bears noting that the trump clique's definition of "wrongdoers" includes queer people (defined as porn which is to be made illegal inside project 2025), non-white people (defined as borderline animalistic illegal immigrants in many many speeches of trump's, regardless of legality or immigration status) and does not include those who actually do wrong, such as causing harm (as with trump's rapes) or endorsing genocide (as with trump's global positions) or putting the security of his own country in danger (as with trump's sales of intelligence in classified documents to foreign nations conducting genocide). Side with their views, side with genocide and rape.
Relatedly, all of trump's projects for all of society are very obviously murderous or very obviously stupid. His victory has already negatively impacted USAmericans' pay cheques this year as all companies had to spend a lot on foreign orders before he can apply tariffs that will gut them long-term, and his previous presidency had the very moronic goal of stopping a pandemic by pretending hard enough it was already over: "no testing means no new cases" was his actual belief. You think that kind of stupidity is able to manage plans that last millennia? Even if the cyberpunk dystopia of putting you in thousands of years of sharingan illusions to manipulate you into his perfect drone worker were possible, it would be the most hellish thing ever to be designed.
Also, elon musk is not one of the top minds of the 21st century, nowhere near the 4 billion top minds at least, he's a loser who spent inherited blood emeralds to buy companies and rename them after his fixations. He bought other people's ideas and only succeeded at running them into the ground more times than anyone could do on purpose. He's been fired as CEO from Paypal for incompetence. He's destroyed twitter's market value, userbase, ad revenue, use frequency, standing, credibility, public image (in the exact way he tried to do to Paypal before being fired), and future.
Furthermore, no "top mind" aligns with trump at all. Trump is a nepo baby who can't organise a meeting properly, let alone the politics of a global power. Anyone with half a mind recognises that the only thing he's good for is making a profit by betting against all the moves he does. He says the pandemic will be over soon? Invest in Zoom. He says his tariffs will save the US economy? Bet against the dollar.
Where the fuck did you get the idea that Trump is putting people in crystals??? Did the voices tell you that???
It's been very extensively discussed on X.
That's where the real conversation is happening... and you leftoids are missing it.
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puppy daddy's gonna be honest you have got to wear a fucking mask on public transit
#losing my damn mind#pride wasnt accessible to me before the pandemic#and it FOR SURE ISNT NOW!!!!#the lgbtq+ center is up a narrow flight of stairs steeper and slimmer than my apartments and sometimes#i have to stop half way on those. like.#god. sorry. i know. i know no one wears masks any more. i know im the quote wierdo hold out endquote along w my now roommate#but for the love of god does it really get driven home sometimes#ive had covid 3 times that i can verify and each time has left me with very minor things#(lung capacity shrinkage NEW chronic pain and an increase in migraines)#and doctors are asking me why im still wearing one 😭 bcus the last time i was unmasked in a medical setting#i got so sick i could barely move for a week and a half#COME ON MAN.#any way. sorry.#i get it i do im sick of masking at this point bcus its expensive and tedious and painful these days (hot humid weather)#but i like it when i dont increase the risk of myself and my loved ones and their loved ones getting sick and potentially dying#also this post is in response to a random ass picture i saw while scrollijg that was posted this year
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i love things that happen because of a specific thing
#like ok thats everything winter i hear you say#yeah but i love to think about it#especially when the thing that happened is objectively bad but the thing that youre ledt with you cant imagine your life without (pos)#like without 9/11 we dont have mcr#like the pandemic happening -> breaking my foot from going on too many walks -> ascending to true emo form#like ok yeah me being insane about some bands is Not worth all the lives lost#but like. i dont know if it would be the same otherwise?#also with listening to podcasts#which led to meeting my roommate from last year (who i hopefully will become better friends with this year GOD pls shes so cool)#but then like also. if we hadnt moved right before kindergarten i would very likely be fluent in spanish#so theres things like that too ig#the world is crazy and wild and i love it#like so often i think about my life if we hadnt moved where/when we did#bc ok so for my whole preschool life i lived in arizona#which. fun fact is not super great for trans ppl or latinos#we lived in a town that was… more or less liberal? i think. i dont really remember#but like would i be as trans now if i had grown up fully there?#i mean probably i had a stint as a toddler where i was a boy for like two months#so its always been there#anyway. crazy things#rambles#winter stfu
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did she specifically make 34 versions of TTPD because shes 34 years old
#barry.txt#taylor swift#also to make money and keep her char position long term obviously but she can never just make money it has to be some numerology bullshit#what a swiftian concept#her relationship to capital and product as an aspect to her art is endlessly interesting to me#also how she sells every album like its gonna be the last one before everyone gets sick of her and her career ends forever#she sells like its the end of the world. mulling. whatever#if she drops another fucking varant then this post means nothing#this is maybe the most interesting headspace that taylor has ever been in during an album cycle and i hope it gets less interesting soon bc#honestly i am a little worried for her#and also a little sick of her shit. She needs to get out of the eras tour/career second wind bubble that shes been in for like 3 years now#im glad that leaving bmr means shes not trapped in the strict 2 year album to tour cycle that she was in technically until rep#but actually until the pandemic forced her to stop bc rep was 2017 tour was 2018 and lover was 2019 w loverfest being 2020#but i hope she knows that that doesnt just mean dropping multiple projects a year but also...not dropping anything for a bit#chilling...taking a breath...mb honing her directing skills on other artists MVs or short films before diving into a full feature projects#working on stuff and not releasing it. writing for other people. Enjoying a beautiful sunset etc#i just want her to enjoy life when she isnt charting#i always make a very simple post and then go crazy in the tags like this could just also be a post. alas
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It's been so long since I've had to exist within a group of people consistently over many days and damn, I nearly forgot I was autistic. I found out yesterday that though I get along with almost everyone at work, most of my coworkers thought I was a huge bitch who hated everyone for a little bit (and one still does, which is how this whole thing came up at all). I was bewildered like. No I'm very often dizzy or in a bit of pain and I'm very focused on taking care of the dogs but I'm not - I don't dislike any of you? I've never been mad at you, you guys thought I was mad?? Just an alarming disconnect between the way I see myself and the way I come off to others. I have never once gotten the hang of behaving like a regular person, but it appears that time has taken me from "generally silly person with an offbeat sense of humor who doesn't take things seriously" to "stoic hardass who doesn't like you and thinks you're stupid also." I did not authorize this change. It's throwing me for a loop. I feel like I'm 6 again being told to stop talking over people's heads because I just learned a new big word and I wanted to use and share it. I like assholes with a heart of gold in media. I don't want to be one??
#Like I've essentially been locked alone in a room for three years almost four due to the pandemic#And before that my big job was working in a warehouse where we mostly worked separately#But I remember the times we did socialize I fit in#But I also remember my coworkers were all nerds and that helped#Like idk I feel like I've been sleeping for years and woke up to being a different person#I know it's been hard for me to manage migraines and such (though it's getting easier or I'm just in a good proud period)#But damn#Everyone I've talked to at work figured out pretty quickly that I really can be fun to talk to#But this one girl is avoiding me and I think it's because I was stressed on Thanksgiving day#And probably went from an unknown to a definite asshole in her mind#So I need to talk to her but having it explained to me last night like#'I told her it's not anything personal and you're just kind of like that with everyone' and I was like#Fuck! Am I awful to interact with initially?? Or worse - always until you adapt?
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one day later and now i wonder if i even like him That much or if it only hurt me bc he's the only safe choice i can ever have and if i can never have him i can never have the life i want
#i don't think i know anyone else who is the perfect mix of church boy on the outside probably ok to come out to on the inside... chinoy...my#age...acceptable to parents and relatives bc of said church boyness...my good friend... genuinely lovely to spend time with... can talk to#for hours on end. He knows almost all of my personal shit and i dont know if i will ever know someone else who also fits all the above crit#ria who i can bare myself to like this again. how does anyone else even compete with 12 years of knowing#that 1 year in grade 9 where we were the closest of friends before abruptly stopping because of the pandemic and bc of my now exfriend#and that last year i had with him and the wildest most head over heels friendship ive ever fallen into#ive told him things i was afraid to even admit to myselt#he's the only person other than myself to have seen my admissions essay (deeply personal 1.4k about adhd suspicions)#i want love even if it has to be the kind my parents and the community around me approves of#a lot of times it really feels like he's the only chance I'll ever get to have it#so if i never get him then I'll never get that then I'll die alone and never get to experience marriage ever ever in my life#crushposting#Whatever
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anyway i need james mcavoy back in the theatre so he can change my life once again
#i saw cyrano live right before the pandemic and then again last year? two years ago? time is meaningless anyway#also now whenever i see him i think about that interview that said the wrost thing he's ever done is campaign for an oscar and how#he never wants to do it again god bless
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i don't know what it is about october that consistently makes it the busiest month of my year 🥴
#looking at my calendar and just realized i'm only spending one weekend at home this whole month#which also happened last year AND the year before#and probably would have happened in 2020 but pandemic so i spent all my free time that october doing election stuff#it's october 2 and i'm already exhausted :| NOT promising
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welp, i tested positive for covid this morning, lmao. i had to cancel class tomorrow.
hopefully i can gather the energy to record a little lecture or something so that students get some of the background they're hoping for (basically this week was the "how to read middle english" primer/refresher course). overall it's fairly mild, so as long as i don't have a fever on friday, i'm going to go to class (masked, of course) and we can talk about the poems i'm having them read. i'm gonna struggle to be heard through the mask, but alas. we'll have to make do.
other than that, i have two students from my summer course who didn't submit their work by the extended deadline (last friday), which was the very last day i'm technically allowed to accept late work. one of them might?? maybe???? be submitting something by tonight?? she emailed at like 3 in the morning on saturday asking for a couple of extra days. i answered yesterday telling her that if she got something to me by 10pm tonight, then i would make it work (grades are due tomorrow lol), but if not, then she would have to file a petition for a term work extension with the registrar. the other one is... i think?? in the process of submitting such a petition.
i'm just here sitting on my couch surrounded by tissues and trying to get some of my shit together, lol.
#read more post#personal#pedagogy#whine whine complain complain#i was really hoping this was just a cold but nope#although it pretty much feels like a mild cold#or at least what i remember colds feeling like?#idk i'm never sick#last time i was sick was the other time i got covid in june 2022#before that it had been years (i'm talking years before the pandemic even)#anyway i'm gonna take another dose of benylin and maybe put on a silly show and do some crochet#actually before that i'm going to wipe down the bathroom sink & vanity#then i'll crochet in front of the tv#oh damn i should also fold the laundry 😔#i still can't believe i have to cancel the THIRD CLASS#we're off to a banner start
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went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠
#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years#not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion#so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all#but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all.#it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid)#and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable.#but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him#i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted#and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried.........#the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms#i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still#and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :)))))#insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case#i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!)#but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man.#it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/#why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly???#while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING???#if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now#but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃#shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience#and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over#he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday#and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now.#i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again..#i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh#(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh)#at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*
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okay I LIED (sorta)
#just got out of there#over 1 hour lol#while i was going to the interview i was thinking what lie i was gonna say#it was to be a teacher in an english academy#so i crafted this lie that i had given sporadic english classes to kids a few years ago before the pandemic#i even practiced my english cause i thought at least part of the interview was gonna be in english (that didn't happen)#but when i got there the interviewer was 'so... you don't have any experience'#and i chickened out and said i helped my sister and cousin with some extra english classes in the past (i did not)#BUT then she started asking me these questions and situations and i panicked so much#and when she asked 'what was the last time you put on a costume?' i said i dressed up as mexican with my family for carnival???#cause sure let's be culturally insensitive while we're at it#i did dress up as a mexican with my family once in a summer carnival but it was with like. ponchos and hats my mexican family had sent us#and like 6-7 years ago#not last year#again no idea why i thought of them#i also said i did theatre in school (i did not)#she then gave me a writing assignment???? i had to write a 250 word essay about computers#so yeah. it was definitely something
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Re: the being immunocompromised and nearly dying of agony from shingles all over me at sixteen thing. I used to say that was the worst pain I've ever felt in my chronically ill life, worsened by the fact that weenie me refused morphine because I was fully indoctrinated by D.A.R.E. and terrified that I would become an addict as I lay in the hospital bed writhing in agony as I was damn-near actively dying. Even breaking my toes a few years later just warranted a mild "Fuck." in comparison.
Anyway I recently experienced three infected teeth (two wisdoms that apparently just grew in already rotted? and one cavity that got out of hand because I kept forgetting to call my dentist and couldn't afford it anyway) within a two year span and let me say that that knocked the nearly dying in agony thing right out of the park
#it had literally been a decade by that point since I ever cried in pain#the last time before that being when I had my first bowel obstruction that coincided with a migraine#I miss my tooth#not the wisdoms to hell with them. but I couldn't afford a root canal for the third tooth so it had to come out#the kicker is that as of a month ago Maryland Medicaid covers dental. again.#it used to cover dental even before that but they cancelled the coverage the year I moved to Maryland#I'm glad they are covering dental again and I have an appointment in May but I wish it had come a year earlier#because my options were between a two hundred dollar extraction or a thousand dollar root canal#teeth are a luxury in the U.S.#also when I had my wisdoms removed I went to a dental surgeon and had laughing gas#but when I had the third tooth removed I couldn't afford that again and went to my regular dentist and didn't even have valium for it#I was SHAKING in the chair trying not to freak out or faint#it was longer than it should have been too because the tooth shattered in the process and he had to dig out the roots and let me tell you#not. fun.#at least for two hundred dollars I got novocaine. If I had gone to the dental school for free they wouldn't have even given me that#cannot don't want to imagine that pain#I wish I could have kept my wisdom teeth like my roommate did when he had one years before#but the dental surgeon refused to give them to me because of pandemic protocols. I never even got to look at them#laughing gas is better than valium I think. both are great tho#I wasn't out of control loopy on laughing gas but when they were stitching up my gums I thought 'huh. hell of a time to floss my teeth'#teeth#toothache#Thou hell o' a' diseases
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i think semi frequently about how my siblings are all between 16-32 years older than me and i only really talk to one of them and eventually if nothing takes me out first due to the passage of time and mortality it will just be me and my nieces and nephews some of whom are older than me . 🧍🏻
#i don't even have some of their phone numbers and my oldest sister didn't invite me to her wedding a couple years ago even though i was#in the state. nothing negative has actually happened but the age gap is so big and weird and my mom didn't like hanging out with them when#i was a kid so i've just barely ever known any of them . last time i saw any of them besides my youngest brother was i think 2019 ?#maybe earlier ? thank you parents for creating this very fucked up dynamic and foisting it upon me i do resent being born#and the youngest brother has turned into a fucking upper middle class elon musk stan and also they were going to try to make me work retail#in the pandemic before vaccines and also he and his wife enjoy playing mind games with me until i start crying so it's not like i am trying#to spend extra time around this guy generally#whatever i need an income so i can get a real therapist...clearly....in the meantime i will overshare on tumblr dot gov. thank you everyone#me
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💭
#this girl I was close friends/roommates with during my last year of college just got engaged with her bf of 8 years#while I am happy for both of them… idk I have difficult feelings about her now and don’t see her as a friend anymore#she used to live in the same city as me during the first like year and a half or so of the pandemic#and in that time we got to see/hang out with each other twice#first time we got to catch up for a few hours and we had a good time but it was kinda bittersweet… idk how to describe it#the second time she asked me last minute to accompany her to pick up stuff she got through Facebook marketplace#during one of those two times we hung out/she basically told me to my face that it would be the last time I’d see her#i understood initially cuz she was about to start teaching and she wanted to focus on her relationships with her bf and her family#but not long after she started teaching/she quickly started going out a lot and making new friends#then she moved to another town like 30 ish minutes away cuz her aunt kicked her out in the middle of her first year of teaching#idk I never had a good feeling about things cuz of all of that stuff I stated above#but also since she’s been trying on working to improve her relationship with her mom after everything she’s done to her#cuz we both have shitty moms who’ve said and done shitty things to us and our families#i know it probably won’t happen or won’t happen for like a few years#but in the event she invites me to her wedding/ I’m gonna be deadass with her about how I’ve felt about her#and see if she’s willing to work on improving our friendship before I decide to attend (if she does invite me cuz idk)#oh I also forgot how after she moved after her aunt kicked her out#she had the nerve to randomly ask if I could watch her aunt’s dogs during the week I was starting 3 online summer classes#she didn’t even like say hi/make small talk or ask nicely either#she just straight up was like ‘hey can you watch my aunt’s dogs during (x) week?’#she recently congratulated me when I posted on my Instagram story that I passed my driving text and got me license but I didn’t respond#I just have a lot of difficult feelings about her now/wish I could unfollow her but I don’t wanna start shit & her be all in my face & shit#jazz uses curse! 💜
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