#and also i have to force myself to cook

[tenrose]

My therapist give me "homeworks" and it seems so complicated and emotionally draining on a paper but he told me that my own avoiding mechanisms are in fact worse and more complicated I just don't realize...

[almostvermin]

i cant take this shit anymore im actually gonna do it for real (continues what i was doing beforehand but slightly more pissed off)

[taegularities]

some men are textbook villains fr

[e77y]

Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness

[sagehaubitze]

I made kheer (rice pudding) with leftover coconut rice and a bunch of date pieces and nuts, and like... ohh boy it falls into the danger zone of feeling like I'm eating very rich oatmeal and I'm questioning if I can just eat a bowl of this and claim it's dinner

(do not just eat dessert for dinner please)

[lesenbyan]

Me: listening to So You Want To Talk About Race

Me: oh I am learning a lot about my relationship to blackness in this book written by another black woman raised by a white parent (identities to that differing widely)

[kiddokori]

things i like about totk so far: the depths,

i am going to be so completely honest i thought id be able to think of more. um. this is awkward

[ccaptain]

I am being forced to cook against my own exhausted ass body, but my brain is telling me to connect the dots. So I have connected them.

By this point whoever has been following my headcanon journey to shape H:SR Kaeya knows about Astrid, Mortis and what happened with the headmaster of the Monastery. A tl;dr is that this man lured Kaeya into a trap by using these two kids and then essentially brutally tortured and unalived Astrid right in front of Kaeya before fleeing after she had outlived her usefulness, and all that Kaeya has of this experience are terrors and the blood-stained epoxy-ed bread piece always with him.

This man is the only person, up until now, that draws a very human, very angered response out of Kaeya- it makes him almost feral, grasping at every trace of him he can find and pursuing him like a bloodhound chases the trail of a wounded animal, muzzle stained with blood and teeth bared. Kaeya is not proud of this side of his, but it exists and will continue existing as long as he knows the ruthless, callous man who did something unspeakable just because he could continues to live.

This leads to one question: if it's important for him, why isn't H:SR Kaeya pursuing him more strictly?

Even if busy with his goal, nothing stops him from paying an investigator to find intel of this man's whereabouts- many individuals have good sources that they can mobilitate for him, if the price meets their standards. Kaeya doesn't have a shortage of money- nor his income will ever dry up in a substantial way. He would be realistically able to pay for these services.

There's even the possibility of hiring a mercenary- someone who will make his death either quick and swift, or drawn out, long and agonizingly painful- exactly like the one he inflicted upon Astrid. This would allow Kaeya to keep his hands clean while ridding the universe or someone dangerous- even if human, a skilled assassin would be able to come out of the conflict with minor, treatable injuries and with a job well done. Even a bounty hunter would do- surely, you'd think a man this dangerous has been talked about and slapped with, at least, a mildly high cash price for his head. What he did was and still is pretty serious. Even as Kaeya tore apart the Monastery, people managed to escape and spread words of what had transpired in here.

I pondered this question in my mind for a while. And then I happened to glance a bit more attentively at Boothill's stories and saw a thing:

Let me preface this with a theory: I don't think that a normal human would be able to ''erase himself completely from historical records''. Boothill himself had to visit and cause chaos in the Garden of Remembrance in order to find out who his target was: Oswaldo Schneider. Not only hiding oneself like how this piece of story tells us would have been difficult after doing something as massive as he did- his underlings would have heard his voice dishing out the command, too. Or received a message from a source they knew. At worst, he would have had to identify himself with a nickname, which could be traced back to him.

In no way a person can simply vanish from history after having done something so massive. There must have been a smidge of a trace to work on- a person who could have recognized his voice- apparently, he is the head director of the Marketing Development Department, so of course there could have been someone tampering with files and records to hide him. But as I said: nothing can be fully erased from history- expecially from human, clumsy hands who tend to overlook things. There'll always be a little hint left here and there to work with.

Unless...

We know only of a group of people who can alter any kind of history. And those are on the faction of the Enigmata- the History Fictionologists.

Boothill had to resort into breaking in the Garden of Recollection to find Oswaldo Schneider- despite him having a role inside the IPC.

Kaeya can't find the Monastery headmaster because he hasn't hired the right sources, or because he isn't putting enough effort into it- all of these statements are false.

Kaeya cannot track this man down because the man is hiding himself while actively tampering with history.

He can confuse his own identity to avoid a bounty on his head- so hiring an hunter is useless. The intel on this man would be non-existant, since he has tampered with his own informations- and, obviously, mercenaries wouldn't know who he is and wouldn't know who to target- either the Monastery headmaster is an avatar belonging to someone from the Enigmata, just like Gallagher was, or a Fictionologist themselves, which further complicates things.

Kaeya isn't lazying around, nor avoiding the final confrontation: this is a matter of Enigmata fellow and Enigmata fellow going against eachother, using the same weapons and techniques that they are equipped with, and still both under the same Aeon. Both of them, the pursuer of justice (Kaeya) and the villain (the headmaster) aren't willing to budge from their respective positions.

Kaeya will continue to chase. The headmaster will continue to hide. This battle could take millennias to have a final winner out of it. Nobody can help Kaeya with this, and this is a battle he must face alone.

TL;DR: how reading Boothill's lore made me realize that the man he's pursuing could be from the fucking Enigmata and this has slapped me across the face and made me cook up some more H:SR Kaeya lore. Thanks Boothill!

[ii-zi]

I got a new pillow! And pajamas! For the first time ever,!!

[mortimer]

gonna have to pack lunch for the next semester and i had to go to the website of an occupational therapist for autistic children to find ideas that sounded like things i know i can prep/eat outer than instant noodle OTL

[insert-game]

does anyone want to buy me tickets to an overnight train so i can go on a little journey of autism and delight for christmas instead of going through the nightmare that is spending christmas with my girlfriend’s heavily awful mother who hyperanalyzes everything we do and will inevitably get mad at me for flat effect and lack of eye contact

[cherry-shipping]

aaaooughhh. cook for me fictional other. fictional other. cook for me

[i-like-gay-books]

long post so i GUESS i’ll put it under the cut

so i’ve been really reflecting lately on my self diagnosis of autism, especially since i’ve been really coming into myself and managing my anxiety better than ever before, and ive been wondering whether it might be that the symptoms i thought were attached to being autistic are just how anxiety manifests in me and the things about myself that i thought proved that i dont have adhd in any way may also just be how anxiety manifests in me. because also even though ive really related with autism and the social symptoms, i’ve never really been sure i have sensory processing issues, at least not to the extent that the dsm specifies in order to be autistic. and what i really HAVE related to is the inability to just sit down and get shit done. so i took another self assessment with this clearer knowledge i have of myself and how i really function as a human being when im on my own and living as an adult and

the only ones that arent high levels are literally the ones that i can directly pinpoint as one of my biggest concerns with my anxiety. impulsivity is the one that makes adhders more likely to butt into conversations or keep going on for a long time or make decisions and later regret them. as you may have noticed i am particularly long winded when im typing, but is that true of me in real life? like at all? not really. i struggle to get two words out sometimes. i was selectively mute in my childhood. i can say for a fact that the reason for this in my hyper-awareness of the potential of making a faux pas or embarrassing myself in social situations. and i have decision paralysis due to the same phenomenon. im very aware of the potential of disappointing other people if i make a bad decision. im not sure if impulsivity would manifest itself in the “typical” adhd way if my anxiety wasn’t there, but i have no way of ever knowing that because it is.

and forgetfulness. i beat that shit out of myself when i was younger. i can clearly remember a time in elementary school, then in middle school, then in high school (before i started writing sticky notes for myself) when i would get myself in trouble just simply because of forgetting about assignments. my family is very academically oriented. my parents wouldnt be SUPER mad at me if i was trying my best and didnt get good grades, but i knew they would be disappointed if i didnt try my best. i have so many systems in place so as to never ever forget about schoolwork any more. you have no clue how revolutionary it is for me that college professors actually put all of the assignments for the semester of the syllabus. one of my biggest gripes about high school was that the teachers would just assign homework seemingly at random? it was easy to forget if you werent writing it all down, ok? and for appointments? same deal. my parents kind of took care of the remembering appointments part before i got older and by now i do have these systems in place for myself. i do often forget to make calls, mostly because i dont make a point of writing it down as a task for myself because making calls gives me anxiety. yeah.

also i sat here and took this assessment and wrote all of this instead of working on my 2000 word midterm paper due next tuesday for which i have exactly one sentence written. listen, procrastination is a universal trait, but i just felt like it was relevant.

[llycaons]

I’ve never regretted moving out of my parents’ house and into a city in a different state. I do get homesick and lonely, but I enjoy so much having my own space, my own kitchenware, my walk to and from the train station, the access to things I never would have been able to see or go to, the restaurants, my very own room. it’s not like I was leaving behind any friends in my hometown, and I made sure a lovely friend right here. it may be smelly, and loud, and confusing, and my job may be stressful and overwhelming, but I would have rotted away at home acting as third parent and doing my repetitive, meaningless job. I needed to be moving towards something or I would have felt like I was dead. not even dying. just dead. but I walked back today from the grocery store and it was warm and noisy and the sun was shining and I felt just so grateful to be here, in this place, making my own way

[swagging-back-to]

honeest the loss of taste and smell is the worst. none of the others are comparable at all.

[valandherweekofwonders]

i finally made pancakes after saying i would for a whole week :)