#and after getting out of uni i wasnt suicidal

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

What if I were to dig up my suicidal John fic that I started like 2 years ago. What then. What if I were to mega project on him once again.

[crayonverse]

details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)

michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .

lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .

after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .

just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .

ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .

he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .

when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .

slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .

the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .

michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .

not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .

ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .

bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .

michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .

basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .

he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .

i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .

ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .

theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .

another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .

pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .

michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .

he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .

i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .

the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.

[gothwizardmagic]

lots of homeschooling lore in your tags these days LMAO would you mind sharing a bit about how that works? genuinely curious

lmao sure tho it isnt the most exciting story

my mum always wanted to homeschool bc she wasnt a fan of how restrictive school curriculums are (shes v much an advocate for montessori style child-directed learning) but i wanted to go to school Like The Kids On TV so she let me. i spent about 3 years at primary school where i was the classroom punching bag THE ENTIRE TIME. highlights include being pushed down a flight of stairs IN FRONT OF A TEACHER WHO DID NOTHING, another teacher punishing me for being better at maths than my classmates bc i kept tearing through her worksheets too fast (i cant do maths for shit anymore she scared it out of me) and a "friend" of mine's brother getting his hands on the axe they had for firewood and chasing me around while i was over on a "playdate" (these quotes are bc this girl was in fact horrendous to me)

i was actively suicidal by the time i was 8 and my mum just stopped even trying to take me to school at that point (around the time i started throwing up with fear every morning) and after a lot of VERY angry meetings the best the school would do was an anti bullying assembly, which meant everyone knew i had tattled. my mum was fucking furious about all of this & went ahead with the homeschooling application she had halted when i decided i wanted to go to school. the guidelines at the time (im not sure what they are these days) were just that a child had to be educated "as regularly and as well" as they would be in school, with check-ins from the MoE every few years.

i dont remember how long it took the application to go through but yea after that i was homeschooled. my mum bought up a shitload of textbooks and workbooks and drew up lesson plans but her focus was still on student-directed learning so as my interests developed in various areas that was where the focus went. we did have designated sit-down time every day, but for the most part she would give me resources and assignments/goals and let me go hog wild at whatever my current fascinations were with some guidance and oversight along the way. it did mean losing access to anything that required specific facilities - i dont know shit about chemistry bc we didnt have like. a lab lmao. but yea by the time i was 11 i was on to university textbooks for some subjects (this is not a big flex these were early 00s computer science textbooks the first lesson in cs101 was literally "this is called an on button. this is called a mouse.") and by the time i was 16 we were doing uni-level work in pretty much every subject i was interested in, at the expense of subjects i didnt give a shit about. (i do not know fuck shit about like. geography or maths to this day)

the assessments were pretty chill, govt people would basically just take a few random samples of my work to look over and do a lil interview with me to make sure i was learning shit. for socialisation my parents made sure i did plenty of after school activities (dance, swimming, scouting, drama, conservation club, etc) and my dad took us on trips to like. the museum or nature reserves or whatever every weekend for Enrichment.

once i was 15/16 we started looking into uni entry, but the rules had changed since i started homeschooling. when i started there was a single uni entry exam you had to sit at sixth form and that was that. they replaced it when i was. 12-ish i think with the current system, which involves a complicated nightmare of three years of both internal (classwork) and external (exam) credits and the requirements are nebulous and seem to change year to year and basically it sucks shit and every single assignment from fifth form onwards counts towards your uni entry so its massively high stress. this also means you CANT get uni entry as a homeschooler, because theres no way to get those internal credits. we tried a few different routes to get UE but the best option we were given was one high school offered to let me sit fifth, sixth, and seventh form all at the same time in one year to get my credits. this was Unideal because the whole point was to Not go to high school, it was work i had already done and didnt wanna do again, and it was three years worht of work crammed into one. so i never got uni entry and have basically been bumming around since.

UE problems aside, homeschooling worked really well for my family. my mum is disabled so she was home all the time anyway. both of my parents are highly educated so they had the backgrounds to provide a cohesive and varied curriculum, and my sister and i are both neurodivergent so the one on one attention and flexibility in format was ENORMOUSLY helpful for us. my sister has never been to any kind of mainstream schooling and it would have been absolute hell if she had tried. (shes very severely dyslexic and schools in the early 00s were. not set up to help with that)

so yea thats the homeschooling lore - i missed out on a lot of stuff for sure (met one of my exes entirely beecuase i wanted to go to formal SO FUCKING BAD and my only option was to go to someone else's so a mutual friend set us up so i could go with her lmao) but it took me out of an extremely bad situation and gave me an education that was much better suited to my own learning needs. i know homeschooling has a Certain Reputation, especially in the us, but my experience was wholly unrelated to that side of the homeschooling community, and it was unbelievably beneficial to me. looking back i dont regret the time i spent in mainstream school (i met my best friend there and i literally dont know where i would be without them weve been through the fucking fire and back) but homeschooling was the healthiest thing possible for me and my family and im so so so grateful my parents were able to do that for me

[thewantedunwanted]

Interviewer: First off, let's put a CW (Content Warning) for Suicide/Ideation here for folks.

Continuing on the last post, which visited the topic of death and people caring for other people. I was recently made aware of gg's decision to end his life once OMC's elderly ESA (emotional support animal) passes away. Is that still his plan?

OMC:

It appears so.

Interviewer:

And you reached out to gg's friend when you learned of it?

OMC:

Yes.

Interviewer:

What were you hoping to accomplish?

OMC:

Yes, I reached out to gg's and my close friend. We'll call them "D". I wasn't yet able to articulate to myself or the rest of our system why I was reaching out. Just that gg was hurting, feeling rejected, feeling that ppl saw him as bad. Seeing 5 years of pandemic isolation stretching out into infinity. And now his ideation had formed into a fleshed out plan. It was too much to hold by myself, with most of our system asleep, it's mostly me and him.

Since the call, Ive realized I wanted this person to reach out to him, reach him in ways I can't. gg and I are very close. But there is also tension there and mistrust. I've caused him a fair amount of emotional harm trying to manage my social anxiety. My management has come at great cost to his own autonomy and happiness.

Interviewer:

How did that call go?

OMC:

It was by text, actually. Um. It went terribly. My approach wasnt good. I didnt make any requests for them to do anything. I didnt yet know why I was reaching out. This person, D, is his best friend. D then became my best friend after the two of us met and got to know each other. D's reaction was to get protective of me, instead of gg. Saying essentially gg should go into hybernation rather than murdering me and the others. It landed in all of his most vulnerable spots.

I didnt mention to D that gg asked the rest of us to come with him. Or that I hadn't said "no"... I-we, have accomplished a lot in our lives. Literally history changing accomplishments. Our over-name is in a queer history book. Even that whole thing aside, we've been involved in wildly successful international projects. Our work is used in schools across the US and in various other countries. Volunteer. So, Im not money bags. The opposit really Id be homeless so easily. Have been a few times. That's aside. See, I get especially restless when Im not working on a project. The more disabled I become, the harder that is. The louder volume the pain and discomfort in my body registers. And with the covid 19 pandemic, the apathy of the majority of not only the planet, but my inner social group. Watching people become disabled, die. Knowing if I get covid, I'll likely die or become further disabled. And realizing there is yet another way I'm separated. These are good people. They would be, because I'm picky. They arent apathetic because they don't care. Their brains have reached capacity and shut something off where we used to be on similar pages. People arent randomly dying and being disabled. Other people are killing and disabling them. Maybe, probably, some of my closest friends are killing and disabling others. And to them Im just someone with anxiety and ocd. Unreliable because Im mentally ill. Regardless of the vast amounts of primary source research I did. My intellect was celebrated before the pandemic. Then it was just suspect.

So, I found a local group of people who I at least had pandemic hygiene in common with. And I liked. I put on free disaster preparedness classes. It was something. It was important. gg stayed out of the space. hybernating often. waking miserable, angry, unbearably sad. He wasnt prone to depression. That was more my thing. He's hyper-social. He needs people like I need a purpose. He begged to finally join the group. I knew it was important. I didnt realize the total depth of the significance

He joined and lit up. I havent seen him blossom like that since we graduated uni and before most of his friends eventually moved away. It was so good. Until, in a day, it wasnt.

He told a moderator "no". He hadnt broken a rule. The moderator wanted the rules to be different. And we had a friend cross a boundary attempting to recruit me to help manage gg. It was rapid dominos from there. The fallout hit him like a sledge hammer. And it didnt miss me. In one fell swoop, he was out of the group and I was shunned in the group. Not by everyone. But when you go from well-liked to barely interacted with, it's a knife.

So here's one of my most precious people, gg. He's been hurting for years on years, sleeping and waking in worse shape each time. He asks me to help end that pain. To do so, it requires me to walk into the dark with him. If our ESA werent here and he asked today, the answer is an easy given. A tilted take on the trolly problem, no? 6 months from now? 2 years? I told him I didnt have an answer yet. Life may have changed, for either of us. Hopefully for both of us.

The others? Similarly waking for short periods of time after months or years pass, all of their friends moved on with their lives, disappeared, or dead. No longer peers in the same age group. hell, gg's in the body of a 40yo. Even before his stints of hybernation, he's always been younger than the body, complicated by being an age slider with the heart of an 8 year old. Parts of him have finally arrived to his early 20s. But look around, a 20 yo forming a friendship or relationships with someone in a 40yo system?? Ive asked gg to not date anyone under 30. A very uncomfortable compromise for me personally, 30 is younger than I would prefer. And he is young to be dating 30yos...

He's more impervious than some. But he's also an increadably tender kid. Carrying so much disapproval from others. From me. It gets through and causes damage.

We've arrived here.

Interviewer:

Your thoughts on Joel's trolly problem decision in the video game The Last of Us?

OMC:

Depends who you ask. Amy's take on the trolly problem years back was, "Even if I love someone, I would sacrifice them (or myself) for the greater good." Ask gg and... "quantity aint quality. maybe the other ppl suck. for sure my life would suck more without this person. aint doin it."

Interviewer:

Ok. So gg wont sacrifice someone he cares about. Would he sacrifice himself for strangers?

OMC:

That is a more difficult question. Has he ever talked to them? Does someone he cares about know them? Are they an actor playing a character he likes? If the answer is "no", there is a chance that they won't register as real people to him. Will he perceive the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"? Or the equivalent of "gg and 10 cardboard cut outs"? Like I would imagine for most people, he would not sacrifice hinself to rescue cardboard.

Interviewer: Say he registers the situation as "gg and 10 strangers"?

OMC:

Putting the trolly problem aside, do you care about strangers?

Interviewer:

I mean, sure.

OMC:

Why?

Interviewer:

Because they are people. I don't want bad things to happen to people whether or not I know them.

OMC:

But, why?

Interviewer:

[ x ]

OMC:

Leaving the theoretical, gg has protected a stalker at risk to his own safety. This stalker, we'll call "R", was previously a friend who became dangerously fixated when we wouldnt date her and we refused to end things with a friend gg was sleeping with. R threatened to kill us, broke into someone's else's house to steal our (necessary) new phone number, and so on. Serious stalker situation. The following incident was after the university tried to prohibit R from approaching us on the grounds or being in the same building with us. But took place before they expelled her and put a restraining order on her entering school grounds.

R shows up to a bar gg is at. We notice her because there's a commotion. R has gotten into an animated verbal sparring match of some sort with a random, drunk bar patron. Said patron is a sturdy dude. At a point, bar patron has gotten up from his seat, rounded on R and looks ready to violently put his hands on her. gg has gotten up by this point, pulls R behind him and apologizes to the guy, got him bantering, smoothes things over. It could have gone very differently.

Why would someone protect their own stalker? R was, maybe still is, a more than theoretical person to gg. People matter very much to gg. He just lives in a sparsely populated world.

Would he sacrifice himself for strangers? It's a toss up. Once you're at least on the same plane of real/likely real, he'll decide in the moment.

Disappointingly Necessary Disclaimer:

gg isn't a serial killer. or any kind of killer. He has never even been in a fist fight. He's not mean to animals either. People with DID are more likely to be the recipients of violence than the purpetrators. When someone in a system does violence, it is likely to be defensive of self or others. Some people, plural or not, can be violent. But it is not a distingushing trait for people with DID.

[readwithkay]

April Reads [ 2 Books ]

i really was expected to do 3 tests for EACH subject i do & i do 11 subjects :( 0 reading time & by tbr pile is always evolving. at least my local bookstores are opening again! FYI there is a ‘keep reading’ border bc the first book i ready in april has a few trigger warnings :) please skim over that “review” if you are uncomfy

When the Stars Lead to You by Ronni Davis (TW: mention of mental illness, death of a loved one, depression, attempted suicide) (i swear in this review)

(★★)

18-old Devon longs for two things. The stars. & the boy she fell in love with last summer. When Ashton breaks Devon’s heart at the end of the most romantic & magical summer ever, she thinks her heart will never heal again. But over the course of the following year, Devon finds herself slowly putting the broken pieces back together. Now it’s senior year, and she’s determined to enjoy every moment of it as she prepares for a future studying the galaxies. That is, until Ashton shows up on the first day of school. Can she forgive him and open her heart again? Or are they doomed to repeat history

From debut author, Ronni Davis, comes a stunning novel about passion, loss, and the power of first love.

can i just say that ive had so little books rated over 3 stars in the past couple months :(

i really wanted to enjoy this book bc the synopsis sounded good, the title is creative/intruging and i really wanted to get something about the 3 stars i was giving like every book since february

unfortunately, it disappointed me gravely

kinda insta love & this girl wasn’t over this guy she dated for 2-3 months over A YEAR AGO like ????

was expecting to be BLOWN OUT OF THIS WORLD (i think im funny-) but just felt like id been dug an early grave with how boring it was

like we get it you have daddy issues :(

the mental illness rep didn’t strike me as realistic, but i found it commendable that the non-mentally-ill MC went out of her way to do her own research

i liked the POC rep 

all of these descriptions of the deep love that devon feels for ashton but it was laid on so thickly that it felt more like being told than shown. at a certain point, the romance scenes became ew—the sheer amount of passages where they were just making out or talking about how they wanted to be together forever (paired with ashton’s extreme wealth) gave me unpleasant fan fiction/wattpad vibes

like 2015/2017 wattpad

not good overall

ALSO THIS BITCH WAS FULLY PREPARED TO DITCH UNI FOR THIS BOY?????????????? my emotionally unavailable self could NEVER

The 57 Bus by Dashka Slater

(★★★★)

If it weren't for the 57 bus, Sasha & Richard never would have met. Both were high school students from Oakland, California, one of the most diverse cities in the country, but they inhabited different worlds. Sasha, a white teen, lived in the middle-class foothills & attended a small private school. Richard, a black teen, lived in the crime-plagued flatlands & attended a large public one. Each day, their paths overlapped for a mere 8 minutes. But 1 afternoon on the bus ride home from school, a single reckless act left Sasha severely burned & Richard charged with two hate crimes & facing life imprisonment. The case garnered international attention, thrusting both teenagers into the spotlight.

i did shed a few tears

fINALLY something above 3 stars !!!!

Based on the real life story of a white Oakland agender teen attacked by another teen while riding the bus, the book is both insightful & balanced.

Sasha (the victim) & Richard’s (the attacker) backstories are fully explored.  Oakland itself & Richard’s backstory are paid careful consideration. & after learning about both a clearer picture emerges. 1 where Oakland, 1 of the most diverse & deeply divided cities in the country, & the criminal justice system play a role in shaping events.

dashka slater could have EASILy formed a narrative casting richard as our villain. they didn’t. instead, richard is a goofy, often quiet but smart TEEN who was raised in poverty & who desperatey tries to avoid conflict/getting into trouble. he is NOT a supervillian. he is NOT inherently bad or evil. 

BUT the book doesn’t condone/excuse his actions; we’re just provided with the context: a favour not always granted by the media. in this story, the media manipulated both richard & his mother’s words by giving them a differing narrative and ripping away their substance.

this book is also a compelling indictment of the criminal justice systerm, where richard (WHO IS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD) is tried as an ADULT. & in being tried as an ADULT (WHICH HE IS NOT) he loses the protection granted to juveniles: he loses anonymity and a reasonable punishment/sentence. MEANING ADULT PRISON. 

like what the actual hell???? THIS HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE PEOPLE. as a teenager, richard is still developing. he physically & mentally has less impulse control than adults who would be imprisoned; YET HE IS TREATED THE SAME AS THEM?

made me very angry but very interested

still, the story does not excuse his actions; it critiques & explores the systems that foster these types of attacks & the legal responses. 

IN FACT, sasha (THE VICTIM) & their family PUBLICLY disagreed with the court’s decision to try richard as an adult. 

sasha is also provided equal narrative. from the get-go the book educates its audience on nonbinary gender identities & sasha’s journey of discovering their pronouns/gender identity. 

not a 5 star bc i wasnt always that keen on the writing style :( still a brilliant book, especially if you want educated on what it’s like to be nb/the justice system 

[drfeelgood-21]

The past 5 Years...

I feel like some of you should know where i have been these last 5 horrid years, and it took me a long time to actually come to terms with writing this post. But here we go      Back in 2013 i joined Tumblr,made friends, made posts, and learned about some amazing music. MY journey for Metal had just begun. Fast forward 2 years, Im now running a successful metal/rock blog with a side of whatever the fuck i like. I had many friends that i would chat with on the daily through Snap,Facebook, and kik. I was there for many of you as you were there for me. I graduated High school and had a job. I was going into College. My hometown Uni that I always dreamed of going to. I was excited and this sets forth the downfall of my life... Part 2: 2016 hits, Im still getting over the emotions of The Force Awakens (Star Wars FTW) Type O Negative grew on me hard, and i started a smoking addiction to cigars. My energy drink addiction mixed in with that. Full time college and a full time job were hell but i managed. My grades were great, the financial stress wasnt. I was Paying for Uni out of pocket and it lead to some hard times. May came along and well I found myself a girlfriend who ended up cheating on me. I partied hard with friends, got drunk, did some insane shit and even hosted a party with my bestfriend Scott that got over 200 people to show up.  The end of Summer approached and I found this bright eyed beautil woman named Natasha. I fell hard. The only issue was, i was her Manager and i told myself to not do it. Luckily for me i was already applying for new jobs and was picked up by a huge branded Franchise company so we started dating.....Little did i know at the time i was helping her cheat. Little did i know this was her game. We spent the next two years “In Love” by this it was a blind game of abuse and manipulation. She scarred me so bad that i thought i was a narcissistic asshole. She found out about my use of tumblr and made me delete it and take off every single friend of mine from here. One night she slapped my face to awaken me and ask who Emily was ( a friend from tumblr long ago) She was jealous of a message i had sent Emily back in 2015 ( this ould be a good time to mention its January 2017)   I didnt see abuse at all. I could only see me trying better every day for her, but she was never happy. She constantly needed sex, constantly needed love, amd had trouble not being with me. At the time i of course enjoyed it because i thought it was love. I ended up getting an apartment with her late 2017.. We lived together till June 2018....I broke up with her She cost me the following -Best friendship with Scott -Friendship with anyone i talked to on social media ( Alot of you) -My college career -She spiked my depression - Made me feel like i should kill myself -Connection with family members - Trust -Connection with others I know that this post will probably summon that anon that hit right after the break up but just Fuck off.    I was angry ,depressed, and really fucking suicidal, I got injured at work and couldnt move for 2 weeks. (Dislocated my knee) But when i got back to work, i got a message from an old friend who just used me for sex,  so that happened.. 2018 sucked except for starting to branch out into the local clubs. 2019 Though....That was the year of rebuild. Worked my ass off at work and on myself. Figured out a lot of stuff, made New Amazing friends. Started back up old friendships and got my own Duplex so life in 2019 wasnt bad but i will admit i was drinking through a lot of it. 2020 had a slow start. But in the end of January this one girl approached my friend group and asked if she could dance with us. Of course i said, and we actually spent the rest of the night all together and she attached herself to my best friend Amber.  We spent at least an hour talking about Emo bands and style, until she got picked up by a friend.     I had her snap though and decided to message her the next day and tell her it was great to meet you we should hang out again soon. I was Nervous, i hadnt done something like this for four years... When she said yes to hanging out again my heart skipped, It wasnt officially a date but it was interest. We hung out a couple more times and i know i told her i liked her the second time, but i started liking her when she said “ you’re making me break my stoic reputation”     February 1st the morning after we went out again, i asked her to be mine...It was fast but i really hadnt felt this way since 4 years ago....One things for sure though..every time im with her the feeling grows stronger even though i did shut myself down. Its jsut scary how comfortable i am around her because i feel so vulnerable and i dont know if its just me getting my trust back, but I do know that im in love with her. Shes beautiful in so many ways and helps me rediscover who i am..what I stand for. I wanted to tell her that i love her after a nice actual dinner date...I had it planned.. But this Covid bullshit made me rush it. I had to tell her before she visited her parents back home.... little did we know at the time that she would be back home sooner than expected. I was at work when her dad surprisingly picked her up and made her move back home to Quarantine from this fucking virus. I sure as hell felt numb reading the letter she left me.  These are weird and hard times, and its sucked this past week. I cant get my mind to shut off, im stressed, i go to work,  i take care of family. Im Feeling drained and exhausted, but one thought of her and it all goes away.. I miss her. I just want to see her and hold her. Today was probably the worst day ive had in a long time....Im not doing well but im back Tumblr , to all whom even care anymore. Thanks for sticking around

[ko2vo]

Hfksd so uhh, I'm not out as a trans to my family, and I'm not sure if anyone in my family will ever be accepting of me. Did you come out to your family members? Do you plan to if you didn't? Sorry if this bothers you;;

AAAAA I’m happy to answer and give some insight! It doesn’t bother me to talk about anymore cuz I’m in a good place and I’ve been through a lot so I hope my experience might be a little useful to others.

I’m just gonna put it under a cut though cuz it might get a little long and TMI haah

I knew I was trans when I was 13, and came out to my mom when I was 17 and like, I didn’t really PLAN to come out when I did pffff. I definitely planned many times for yearssss but this was spontaneous after a full on day of uncontrollable crying that I couldn’t hide from her cuz it was her birthday and wound up telling her. She is still difficult to talk to about my gender stuff. She has always been on the fence, not rejecting but never really accepting either. Never used he/him pronouns and I would only correct her when she referred to me as a feminine noun like daughter or girl cuz honestly, it was hard to defend myself. I had a lot of panic attacks when anything touched the topic of gender so it was a challenge.

Soooo I repressed for a long time. Looking back, I regret it cuz I could’ve been much further along in my transition but man, I was just a kid and while I had great friends, it would have meant so much to me if my mom had been accepting and actually helped. But mostly, she just kinda forgot.

Cut to like, four years later and I was suicidal from depression and dysphoria. Basically came out to my mom a second time PFFFF but at that point, the process for starting HRT had changed and was far more manageable. I met a transdude in uni who was five years older than me and we had a good talk about how he needed to get a GID diagnosis and letter of recommendation before starting hormones, which was what really prevented me from starting hormones when I first came out because I didn’t know how to go about contacting a psychiatrist for that, didn’t have the funds or resources to do so, and mom wasnt helping so HHHH

It’s depressing that it took me being on hormones for my mom to really try not misgendering me but now its also kinda funny since i pass 95% of the time and she’ll still trip over she/her/he/him pffff and don’t get me wrong, I love my mom and our family has been through some rough times so I can excuse her to a degree, but it’s gonna hurt for a long time to remember her laziness and resistance to something that is a major part of who I am. 

As for the rest of my family. My sister is an ally and I love her. My brother is on the spectrum and doesn’t really understand/care about my gender and that’s okay. My guardian passed away last year but I’m so glad I was able to tell her before that and, despite her conservative views, she was accepting and loving right til the end. My stepdad and his family is super accepting, he gave me a razor kit when i first started hormones and i legit cried; their acceptance is also helping my mom get better at addressing me. 

I’m estranged from my father and his family for the most part but I came out to him when i was almost a year on HRT and he just kinda ignores it; I told him about finally getting my name changed and he completely, without subtlety changed the topic pfff. Though, he did tell the rest of his side of the family and they don’t really talk to me anymore pffff.

So yea, I know how hard it can be to come out. People talk a lot about the extremes, getting kicked out and dealing with transphobia on the daily as well as being openly loved and accepted and feeling safe when you come out. But the middle ground is its own monster. Cuz you don’t really feel like you have a right to complain about it since you’ve still got a roof over your head and your family still loves “you” but they aren’t helping and it’s stifling to go through the emotional wringer of trusting someone with something so huge and burdened with societal judgement and to just have them shrug it off. 

I sincerely hope that, if you decide to come out to your family anon, you have better luck than I did. But only come out if it’s safe to do so. My mom had never made me feel like I would’ve been kicked out and I had had those sneaky “my friend is LGBT and I think this about the community,” kinda interactions so I knew she was okay with the LGBT morally. 

[maxtrickey]

[[MORE]]

[ I constantly feel shit, ulcerative colitis makes me feel lazy when I'm chronically fatigued and it sucks that with all the effort I made with uni it's probably not going to end well with how much I've missed recently due to this flu and it affecting my stomach, state of the world doesn't inspire much hope either.

Medicine is going to be scarce if things go to shit but that doesn't effect everyone so no one really cares,

Ironically I've been making way less of the art I want to make at uni but that's down to objective assignment briefs, still doesn't feel great though and it doesn't help inspire me in terms I've what I've missed because it's a portfolio submission for a fuckin mobile game, but I make the best of it with trying to twist the themeing as much as I can to make it something i want (usually by making it spooky or fantasyesque)

Having a disability that people have legitimately told me "it could be worse" about, makes me feel insane.

I dont really talk about it but I'm still feeling what happened almost 3 years ago now and how little I must have meant, how forgettable and easy to erase I am. I'm nothing like i was i constantly have to distract myself or just dread seeps in. Aside from laughing I dont smile often anymore theres a really noticeable cutoff in pictures and I hadn't noticed which was funny so you can really pin point the trajectory of trauma

I also didnt realise I'd taken to leaving clothes and shit on one half of the bed that I was telling myself was laziness/ease of access when I wake up but I've taken to thinking it's the sleeping alone (i dont hate that, I enjoy being entirely alone sometimes, just not perpetually) sometimes I'll wake up with some change beside me on the bed and I laugh to myself that I've become a dragon just isolating myself with treasure

Fewer and fewer people deny that I'm like cosmically cursed now aswell going like:

emetophibia -> anxiety disorder from a young age -> saw my nans torturously slow death resultantly of multiple tumours when I probably should have not been in that hospital environment -> bullied relentlessly when I suddenly and mysteriously gained a fuckton of weight (linked to the undetectable spontaneous mutation thought to have occured that inexplicably gave me ulcerative colitis which wasnt documented in my family -> my my becomes an alcoholic just as I start secondary school according to her because of the crippling guilt she had from "killing her mother" which was her in reality making the decision to have her hospitalised and have a chance of beating the cancer rather than being in more pain -> I almost die when rushed to hospital for an undetectable unknown reason and am told I would have died if I was 10 minutes later to A&E (this is after the paramedic didnt want to take me because "he looks fine") => immediately have to sit my GCSES arguably the most import exams of my educational career after just leaving the hospital -> during all of this endure the emotional and psychological torture enduring and surviving an alcoholic parent who steals from you, lies and when numerous times you try to stage this little intervention on your own because you're so sure that it's up to you to save her because everyone else has given up only to be met with propositions of mutual suicide, just all really added up to make me feel worthless

Then it got better I found someone it was all great for a while, then my mum was found dead by police apparent liver failure as she was trying to actually stop drinking which is ironically what killed her, and 3 days later my girlfriend of 4 and a half years dumps me when shes over consoling me about it, it's honestly a farcical existence and probably very funny from an outside perspective, I've definitely laughed at the comic timing of every single thing that's happened in my life as it just (like me aswell I guess ahaha) mutates and amalgamates getting worse and worse with the passage of time

I haven't vented in a while and I just feel, not empty just like, spent? I'm optimistic, if also cynical and it's like something out of the blue kicks my allegorical ladder away from under me, and that ladder was teetering on top of previously scaled ladders

[invisible-allover-blog]

creative writing

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

"Too many bongs" silly bastard.

So it started when i was around 15 my cousin was living with me and my Dad, he smoked pot, so did my aunty but ill get into that in a bit. I used to sneak into my cousins room and look for crumbs of weed in his draws if i found some i would scarpe them up run into my room and roll a joint. And then off too school i went. I was on the bus right (thought i was super stoned) smelt more like tobacco but oh well i was just getting into it. I packed myself a tin of baked beens and some other garbage thought it was hilarious and sat next to a girl from highschool and giggled the whole was. That was loads of fun. Serously, it was dont mind my monotone like writing im just not in the descriptive mood you know. It gets like that after too many trips. So off on the gateway heaven to drugs (not good, dont condone. sarcasm) And then my favourite cousin, the on i grew up with just around the corner from me and i would sneak into my aunties room and scuffle around ooking for scrapings of weed on the ground we got high all the bloody time and i dont regret that for a second.. i regret it for a lot more. Im starting to feel depressed brb having some valium. I needed to take the edge off. Its unfortunate weed does that to some people. Im starting to really question the war on drugs, and wheres the fucking happy pill? I remember one time me and some of my old friends "were out the back" (where we would smoke bongs) saw her dog eat a whole lizard we cracked up so fucking hard. She literally dug it out of the ground. Its funny being a teenager and thinking your being all stealth mode while your parents know exactly what your doing. We had this weird ongoing joke that we were gagging and spewing after bongs just to see who would actually spew from it. it was hilarious. I wont write about all of that.

"a Fucking cigarette" for fuck sake.

so it all started when i was 18 i began to lose my mind. I walked outside and saw the moon beaming. i looked up to the stars and wondered if i was alone. Were there aliens above me? was i sent from above. "clearly i was delusion, says the nagging voice in my head. But i was so filled with wonder, i felt wonderful. This was after smoking a cigarette.. benson and hedges ofcourse. I felt as if i was on a trip. I didnt know whether or not there was drugs in me but looking back its okay. It was a memory... a thought maybe i should get Mr Burns with radiation poising tattood on my overly big calves. Hmm probably not. So, that was my first paranoid delusion which in retrospect is a conspiracy that many people have delved into in he past and havent given up on themselves. but was it heresay for them and experience for us? Thats the question that was just on my mind, Hmm. I was told not long after my eighteenth birthday that i was not going to "make it in life" because i hadnt been to university or finished highschool. So off in an ambulance to the nuthouse i went. Because of PSTD i wont go into it, but i will say this; dont give up before youve really understood yourself and the world. dont giv up ever. Suicide, delusions, conspiracys are memories adventures and i didnt line that up perfectly but look life is life, and there aint nothing better than that. Life is an awfully big adventure. Peter pan quote, flipped on its head for ya.

"Lulu" my baby pup.

So itd been a long hard 3 months in hospital, i had just gone through another mental beating off of the nurses. One of them pulled my hair. Cunt. In his defence i spat a pill at him cause i was sick of being over drugged. Valium, seroquel, clopixal, flouxitine, clozapine. and many acufazes... they inject the violent patients with it. I couldnt help it id gotten into my first cat fight and enjoyed it a little too much. They locked me in there and then wouldnt let me go to the toilet. So i pissed on there motherfucking floor. "Ha!" had to clean that one up didnt ya hospital. It was really in humane the way they wre treating people honestly its like american horror story back there, where the people never get out. I had a vivid dream that someone was going to kill me. i wasnt wrong they literally dressed up in all black and came for me. i woke up and remembered the one thing my ex told me "i hope you scream" and so i did and he/she ran away i had suspicions that the black hooded figure crept into the medicine room... the room noone ever walked in or out of? Hmm. i wnder what they are hiding. another DREAM i was having was that there were homeless people hiding in the bushes outside of concord waiting to kill. i guess they chose to see red. idiots. Its been a long 10 years discovering the world isnt all rainbows and butterflies. And im over the hospital trying to cover there arses. be gone with it, they are using it as a prison now, trust me. I saw the badges. I was let go, thank fuck for that. My dogs barking madly outside. PRobably seing things pretty sure my dog sees dead people "haha" or possibly shes seeing things in time. I do believe its possible but what it is is a delay in the workings of the universe. Dont tell me that i know theres time differences. I didnt go to uni to have to see to believe. Thre was a woman that was pregnant in there, she smeared shit all over the walls so im guessing she never even got let out to do that. WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! I guess the toughst people do go through the toughest battles. Im an aussie battler. ive never used that one before, that saying i mean. i really hope my first love doesnt end his life. Same with my most recent ex he just got out of a relationship with me and went straight back to his first love, and to me thats okay. Its good, im glad. I was going to hold him back ya know? i really was he had money and everything. Thats another thing the test of time has taught me. Love and let go. Wow it just dawned on me that the saying if you love something let it go... wait im changing that if you love someone let them go, and if they go and dont come back theyve moved on positively or negatively. I cant help falling inlove with the feeling of love over and over again. He told me he was going to marry me, were just kids. I wonder if ill ever find someone to love me again. I thought i was depressed and broken hearted. and i really was, i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt speak.

"whinging again" the fucking hospital Theyve taken so much blood off of me its unbelievable, okay done whinging.

"sex" here we go. i havent had sex in so long, it feels like years. I cant help that my thing is to make love and really connect on that level where your both in it. really enjoying it.

"by the way" the man that stalked and preyed on kids is locked in a basement getting the shit beaten out of him. I think maybe torture is enough. lay him to rest.

[candices-lagrangian]

Being trans is a super complicated thing and I just kinda want to get it out of my head right now

Being trans has given me some of the best times in my life but also some of my worst

Being trans put me in a space that I ended up getting groomed in and I think that's what I want to call it now because that's what it was and it's full impact on me I haven't really fully realised I think.

It's impossible for me to parse how much it affected how I interact with people online or how I have sex - online or otherwise. I really have no idea what impact it had on me but I'm definitely divorced from it enough now to acknowledge it did have an effect and it wasnt good. Probably.

Being trans lead me to coming under attack from my parents from being shouted at so much I was dry heaving into a toilet bowl whilst being bellowed at over a flower crown to having my every photo scrutinised. Being told I had a whores name being told the internet transed me it goes on.

It lead me to drink heavily in my last year of sixth form and ultimately ended me with a pretty serious drinking problem in my first year of uni. None of these things are separate - and not just because it's do with me being trans - but that they all did play into each other my grooming sparked parental critique sparked drinking. I often thought about killing myself.

Being trans at uni wasn't scary but now it is. Now I can see the way trans people are treated in the workplace I'm terrified. I don't want to become some fall guy for someone or suffer through potential sexual abuse but these are only hypotheticals that play in my brain they're not reality of course who knows what my workplace will look like but based on other people's experiences it doesn't look great.

I feel I've suffered a sort of emotional dysphoria, I feel like I shouldn't ever have felt so bad I mean after all my parents have never threatened to kick me out, I've never truly self harmed, I'm at a good uni in a subject I like by almost all metrics my life is going pretty great yet inside a total storm has been brewing and crashing at my heart. I feel a crushing weight of problems I can't pin point. Sometimes I can't pin point them because I refuse to acknowledge they were ever problems or ever effected me. I almost don't believe when something bad happens to me I just shrug it off who cares lol I'll be fine but I'm not.

A friend of mine commited suicide because I was trans. Not that I came out to them and it shocked them so much they died but that it opened a whole world of gender problems for them because they realised they didn't need to be cis which made their life worse and then when they needed me I was abusive and manipulative and not there. Not there enough at all. I still kind of blame myself. That's a lie. I completely still blame myself. But I think that's how it should be.

Being trans has given me some really good things this isn't an entry lamenting being trans I can't deny reality I am trans and there's no point hating that. I'm trying to sort of process what being trans has *meant* for me I guess

Obviously I met Cobhalith as a result of being trans and that has been one of the most important parts of my entire life. Our love is inextricably entwined with our gender of course, having gone through the near-mandatory trauma that comes with being trans, transfem no less, we have a special bond that ties us together even when things are at their lowest I think we both know we can pull each other out we've been through worse collectively so we can fight together through the darkness ahead.

It has also allowed me to gain a unique prospective on the world. Realising how much binary thinking pervades the world. It also lead me to get involved in politics which although I regret has given me the opportunity to stand up for other marginalised communities.

It has lead to a state where I can concieve of comfortability in my own skin. It has lead to forming a few good friends.

Being trans is so much more than not identifying as your birth gender it becomes part of your soul. It imprints itself on your very being. I do like it but I do wish it was easier sometimes.

[roses-and-latte]

rezeki kita lain-lain, ikut apa yang sesuai untuk kita, mungkin kita rasa tak cukup tapi hakikatnya He knows whats best for us.. just wait patiently.. and be in your own lane, Allah blesses us differently ❤️

have you ever question yourself after doing soo much..but that one thing/goal you're trying to achieve just lets you down?

if you ask me.. yes, i've faced that ever since i was in primary school, i got rejected

to three schools in each stage of my school journey.. primary school, middle school and one biggest heartbreak of all was being rejected by my dream high school. eventhough i did have good grades to enter that "dream" school..

it was rough for me to accept it because my father was one of the alumni of that "dream" school (i put my hopes high to enter).. after that rejection..i downgraded myself soo hard that time, i hated myself soo bad eventho i wasnt pressured by my parents.. and i even loss ppl i love.. which made things even worse.

and during my finals i did real bad.. i got my first fail in addmaths and that had to be a closure to one of my worst year in highschool during form 4.. tbh i didnt study srsly.. i had a burnt out.. and most of the time i'd cry..but behind doors... and my friends knew nothing abt it.. im good at hiding this from them i guess..

after all the dreadful feelings, the constant self hate and abusive habits ive done to myself that year... my dad.. helped me to get back up.. that was when he told me that he was never ashamed of me because i got rejected, he never was.. and he hugged me and said that i was enough just where i am.. that helped me, alhamdulillah i have him.. i couldnt imagine what else bad things i'd done to myself if he didnt reassure me... i think... i was suicidal.. i think lah but it was close to...

but now.. i'm done with highschool.. and alhamdulillah i got one of the best grades ive ever managed to get throughout my years of learning ❤️ alhamdulillah.. ngl i never thought i actually managed to get it alhamdulillah.. and plus i managed to get into my "dream" uni when i was like in form 1... and i even got a chance to pursue in a course im in love with (lol) but yeah..

see? Allah delays something to give you something even better..

see? goals that were rejected for you, is a redirection from Allah for your own path.. Allah plans our path uniquely different..

and each path is unique for everyone..nobody on earth deserves to be downgraded just because their path is different.

see? you loss people you love, yet you still have chances to connect with new ppl that loves you for you..and you know how amazing they are, and how exciting it is to get to know these new ppl.

and lastly,

see? how these hard times.. just reminds you to be closer to Allah.. think of it as a message from him..cause he misses your tears in your prayers..and he loves you.. thats why you had to face them..

wallahu'alam.

yours truly, rose 🤍

[angelicspaceprince]

Rant timmme

So I’ve blocked the person this is about bc they sometimes splurg on my Tumblr page and knowing me, thisd be the day that they do that.

Basically, a friend of mine from high school and I are…idk if its a falling out or if its subtle hints they dont want to know me or what. But, here is a rant dedicated to them.

So I met them in Grade 8, 9? We hit it off right away and I could talk to them about the stuff that was bothering me at the time. They were amazing and I respected their boundaries as much as they respected mine.

In Grade 9, when my mum was sick, I didnt have any friends in my class bc the school separated the three of us bc I was too distracting (the one person I did sit with was legally blind so I was helping them with stuff they needed help with, something her aide never bothered to do) and I pretty much isolated myself from everyone bc it felt like no one was on my side, especially all the teachers who failed to see my deteriorating interest and health to be anything but “its because shes fat”.

Anyway, I told this person that I was suicidal (I think I said that if God wont end my life soon, I’ll do it for him? Anyway it wasnt hinted, a went into my plan a little bit) and they brushed it off, saying that I was fine and when Mum was better I’d feel better.

Fast forward to Year 10. Still suicidal only no one was listening. Self harming now too. But thats not their responsibility.

What was their responsibility was not to become a Grade A bitch.

Throughout the year they ignored me, and caused my closet friend to burst into tears on multiple occasions. They refused to sit with us and would rarely talk to us. Another one of their friends was also suicidal and self harming, and they were taking it more seriously with them. Whenever I tried to organise something (catch up in town, meeting after school, etc) they’d always forget and either not show or show up so late and have to leave early so there was no real point in meeting up at all (I’d have to be in town at 830am agreeing to meet up at 930-10, and they’d show up post lunch and leave about an hr afterwards and I’d be stuck there until 6-7)

What really hurt was that for my 16th party, I had invited about 10 people to lunch. All but one forgot, and when I called this person they said oh I’m sorry, I forgot I’m at netball and then I’m going to other friends house. Raincheck?

So yeah. Pretty devo.

Then at our Grade 10 formal she refused to sit with us, take a photo with us, and caused my friend to, yet again, burst into tears. Two days later, we had an explosive argument and I cut contact.

When I came back from the UK (about maybe 6 months after this argument?) They wanted to catch up and I said fine.

Didnt say a word to me. Hugged literally everyone but me (they hated hugs all throughout high school and they didnt offer and when I asked for one they turned me down) and, surprise surprise, spent all the time talking to the same girl from high school.

(Side note: the other person is really sweet and I’m not shitting on them, more my friends behaviour when it came to interacting with literally anyone else but her)

So, we had a shakey online relationship forming, and when I organised a meet up in town the same things happened as they did in high school.

Fast foward to Grade 12, my 18th party. I had two, a dinner with family and friends and a day in town/sleep over with my mates (to make up for the dinner which scared the shit out of me). They forgot the dinner. They forgot the party (we called several times before I called her Mum and practically forced them out the door). Which is fine except it was my 18th, and they had done it for all bar one of my birthdays)

Then, when I came down from Melbourne I always asked if they wanted to meet up and they always forgot. That whole year was shit for a multitude of reasons, but their lack of support offline was one of the shittiest things that happened.

So, now we are in my first year of Uni. I pay for them to go to Melbourne with me (I paid accomm and I think tickets? Well i got free accomm anyway) and had planned for us to do a ton of stuff.

Didnt want to do any of it.

And just like when I went down from Melb, when I came down from where I am now, they’d always forget when we were catching up.

On top of that, I offered to let them stay at mine during a local con that happens once a year and they didnt tell me until I came down to grab them to walk them home that they found other accomm! And then didnt ask if I wanted to catch up post con or whatever.

Anyway. Last year they commissioned me to crochet them something, which I did. I finished it and we agreed that they’d pick it up at my 21st bday party.

Anyone see the trend?

They fucking forgot again. I sent the multiple messages during the lead up to the party and they still fucking forgot and then asked if I was in town the following day to drop off their blanket.

I was fucking livid. So I said no (which was the truth) and told them that I gave it to my parents for them (my friend) to organise with my parents to pick it up from their (my parents) work. (Fun fact: it still took them over six months to collect it and it was only after spamming them and threatening to sell it and then them running into dad that they did then collect it).

I also told them they needed to call me at their earliest convenience.

That was in July. Besides the messages about the blanket, I refused to message them until they called me. Which they haven’t.

I dont know I think I’ve never been an important person in their life? I mean, they forget everything and never take what I say seriously and I dont like making plans with them anymore bc I know they rarely remember. Am I being too dramatic? Or is it justified?

To be honest I’m terrified of never speaking to them again but my heart always gets broken when they forget me and even though they are super important to me, clearly I’m not important to them. And I feel incredibly shitty about that because idk…I feel like I’ve lost a lot over the past three years, especially in the friend department.

But yeah. No climax with this one, just a rant ended I suppose.

[jezzyryan-blog]

okay, well, hello you beautiful babies <33 my name is eve, this is my baby joe ryan and this is my sad attempt at an introductory post. anywayys...

if i’m quite honest, joe is loosely based on what i get joe keery is actually like in real life. said that, he’s sort of the “hipster” type, really into alternative rock, loves going to festivals, all his clothes are probably from goodwill, and he is a huuuge star wars fan. he’s aspired to be like han solo since he was a child.

also, he is in a band. and cuz i love pain, it was his mom who gave him his first guitar. joe grew up listening to his mom’s fleetwood mac records and that’s how he decided he wanted to get into music. so on his 12th birthday, his mom gave him a guitar and started taking him to classes. flashforward, and joe is currently in a band with his best mates from uni, they play gigs here and there and sometimes they go on tour on this really old van they call sharon.

after he finished high school, joe moved to chicago to go to college. (was his mom still alive when this happened? idk, need to sort it out). anyways, he is currently studying law. why law? he doesn’t know either. he hates it. and he is seriously thinking about dropping out. right now, he’s coming home for the holidays, but there’s a strong possibility he wont come back to chicago to finish his second year of uni since he has failed all of his classes this semester.

okay, so this is where things get rocky. his mother’s death has been really hard on him which ended up in him falling into depression. however, he’s always tried really hard to hide it from his siblings, always trying to be the strong protective older brother. his first suicide attempt came 6 months after his mom passed. joe swallowed a bottle of pills but was fortunately found by one of his best friends. (btw, pls come to me if you’d like to play said best friend. we need it!) joe made them swear to secrecy though. second attempt came a couple months ago. it was more an accident than an actual attempt. after one of the gigs with his band, joe purposely overdosed. his bandmates quickly took him to the hospital and he promised them he’d get actual help and come clean to his family about everything. now he is constantly afraid one of his friends from chicago will spill his secret to any of his family members.

regarding his siblings, i feel like he loves them with all his heart. he’s super protective of them, or at least tries to be. and he is always trying to put on his best face in front of them. however, i don’t think that’s the case when it comes to his father. i feel like joe probably resents him for all the hardships and their relationship is probably quite strained. when it comes to his step family, i don’t think he cares much, since he doesnt see them often. as long as he doesnt feel like they’re “overstepping boundaries”, i think he is fine. joe probably thinks the whole “happy family” thing his dad and mrs. castillo are trying to impose on them is bullshit.

ps. since joe’s siblings are called josephine and jasper, i decided to name him joseph just so all their names will start with J. see what i did there? i’m ridiculous i know.

AND I AM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I WASNT EXPECTING TO GET SO CARRIED AWAY. COME PLOT WITH JOE AND ME. WE LOVE PLOTTING AND WE LOVE YOU ALREADY.

[cripthevoteuk-blog]

Disabled in Theresa May’s Britain #36: Catherine [CW: suicide]

From Cornwall   Over 12 years ago i was diagnosed with a chronic blood condition, it affected my daily life in many ways, but not enough to consider it a disability. Fast forward 9 years when i started getting pains in the joints of my hands. At first i was able to manage, but slowly (especially after cold winters, as cold really affected my hands) they became worse and i was relying on my daughter more and more. Knowing that she was going to university, and being the first person in our immediate family to do this (lets not forget the major debt she will leave uni with....) i applied for help, this being PIP as i am working, the only job i can do, because of not being able to use my hands, and if i do anything, i use them while they hurt, which is dog walking. At this point i will add that i really rely on my car as i physically cant walk to dog walking areas as i cant hold the leads safely. As i cannot write more than a few lines at a time, i had to sit with a good friend and go through the PIP form with her filing it in for me, of course, this involves telling someone about all the things going on that are painful and depressing. 

I received my PIP assessment date for a few days after my daughter left for university - again, here, you go through all the bad things happening in your life, this time with a stranger. She seemed a lovely lady and at the end told me that she thought i should go to see my doctor as she was worried that i was becoming depressed, and that she could see that i needed aids to help me in my day to day life. I remember telling my friend that i was confident that i was going to get some help and that i would see my doctor, as i could see that she did have a point about all that was going on in my life, affecting my mental well being. 2 days after this, i had to ask my son to leave the house as he had been stealing from me, so i was now on my own. 

I went to my doctor and again after explaining all that was going on in my life, was prescribed an anti depressant. Unfortunately, i did suffer from a rarer side effect where i started having panic attacks and having suicidal feelings. Even now, if it wasnt for my own dogs (yes, they are filling my empty nest as well as getting me out of the house, something i wouldnt do if i didnt have to!) i am positive that i woud have jumped off the bridge, my feelings were that dark. After this, the doctor upped my dose, however this then made my blood condition worse, so they had to put me down to the original dose. I must add at this point, that the blood condition i have, means a lot of pain killers that would normally be prescribed/recommended for my type of joint pain, i am not allowed to take, also Tramadol was prescribed at one point but gave me the worst headache i have ever had, so i am stuck with joint pain and very limited treatments for it. 

So, with my mental health gradually getting worse, i finally had the dreaded brown envelope with the surprising news that i was given 6 points for care and no points for mobility. I rang for the MR, and they also offered me a call back, to explain why i had this decision, as i had mentioned i didnt understand why i only got 6 points when the assessor had indicated differently. Yet again, i had to go through all the problems in my life over the phone to a stranger, who told me i should have been given more care points, and what i should write in my reconsideration, and that as i can walk, i am considered mobile, and work and personal circumstances were not considered. Great, the fact i can not carry anything, hold anything, only type or write for a limited time (its now 12.15pm and ive been typing this for the last 3 hours as i have to keep stopping due to the pain, and will probably be a lot later this afternoon before i can submit it) and that i have had to give up over £70 of work recently because of the pains while working and driving - how much longer i will be able to drive, i dont know, but i physically cant walk up the road with my dogs, or carrying anything and without my car i am housebound. 

While waiting for my decision, i started suffering from panic attacks, one so bad that a friend phoned the police as she couldnt find me and was worried i was about to do something, and she then took me to see my GP and then reported me to social services as not only was my mind a mess, but so was my house, as i was not coping on my own, physically or mentally. 

Of course, the MR came back with 6 points again, so i then had the ordeal of going for an appeal. As our local branch of the CAB is seriously underfunded, they were unable to attend with me, so my daughter came home to attend with me, but as we had no idea what to expect, we left the tribunal, having not told them the majority of things we needed to say. We didnt even get an answer until the following week (when told we would get an answer the same day) and as they only considered evidence up to October, we still got 6 points, which i still dont understand, but then, after all ive been through, i do think i probably wasnt able to express my problems properly. 

I have spent the last 8 months with my chronic health problems worsening, and my mental health going from being strong and independent , to being anxious, paranoid and desperate. I now have to decide if i can actually cope with re applying for PIP again - financially i need to, mobility wise i need to but mentally i dont know if i can take another 8 months of what the DWP have put me through.

I must add that my doctors, local hospital and social services have been wonderful. It is very concerning, that before Christmas i was put on the urgent social services list but it was the 16th February before i was seen. If it wasnt for the excellence of the NHS (and my dogs), given how the DWP/agencies have acted against me, i have no hesitation in thinking that i would not be here now. 

[lilidhshoneynutfeelios]

this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

[kiwiquii]

You are 15. You have just started grade 11 at school. You have a good group of friends, 20 or so people that you genuinely enjoy being around. You have a boyfriend and the relationship is going well.

Its march, near the end of the first term. You notice some people in the group are not really getting along, and for some reason, 15 of the people get up and walk out of the group. They refuse to rejoin the two.

The 5 left includes you and your boyfriends friends.

A couple of weeks later, one of your friends tries to go to the group of 15 to talk to his girlfriend. He gets literally shoved out.

You send a private message to the 'leader' of the group asking her why she split the two. She tells you x was flirting with her ex and she didnt like that.

She tells you that you are a nosy bitch for questioning her. Half an hour later, you get 5 other people sending you messages

"You are a piece of shit"

"You dont deserve to have friends"

"I have hated you for years"

To this day you agree with all of these.

Its June. Your boyfriend hits rock bottom, runs away from home and drops out of school. You tell him to go back to school at least, he is a very intelligent person.

He tells you you are being a bitch for refusing to support him.

You then realise that everything that had happened in the relationship wasnt normal. He liked to physically abuse you. He often said something like "if you refuse to kiss me right now i will kill myself". He often got upset if you wanted to talk to your friends one day.

So you break up with him. You tell him that you have realised these things arent right. He tells you that you dont deserve to be loved and you have no hope of getting a lasting relationship. You agree.

It gets to September. At this point you start to question whether its worth going on. Something happens, and before you realise what you have done, you have gouged out part of your wrist.

You realise there is something really wrong with you, so the next day you go to the school councellor. She tells your parents and you start on therapy. You think it is a waste of time.

You can't last a month without making a new scar on yourself. It gets to november and the group merges back together. You cant join them, even seeing the people who attacked you sends you into panic.

You catch the bus home from school every day. And every day, you have a panic attack because the noise and claustrophobia is too much. Music is the only thing that can help it.

Your grades are failing. You used to be a good student, not the best but rarely getting less than a B. Now you are failing every subject.

You start grade 12. At this point you have 3 people you can count on. One is a girl you met online that you talk to every day, but she lives in america. Another is a girl you have been best friends with since grade 8. The last is a guy who for some reason still puts up with you.

Your best friend is popular. She still talks to everyone in the old group and she has ofher friends. You see her once every second day for the shorter break.

The guy is busy too. You dont see him that much.

For a while, you had a group of friends on an online forum. After a few months they realised you werent worth anything and you get banned. This happens with another forum as well.

Your mother is a very social person. You go to parties every other week with your parents. You try to tell them how uncomfortable they make you, but they refuse to listen.

One of the last things you enjoy is fishing. Sometimes, the parties your parents hold are at the beach, so you try to get as far away from the party as possible to escape in the waves. Each time, you consider just swimming out to keep going until you drown. Each time, you stop yourself because you forgot to say goodbye.

It gets to grade 12, you are 4 weeks in. Since the group joined back together, you have been sitting in an out of bounds area where no one can find you. Teachers tell you that you are lucky to not get suspended. You tell them you couldnt care less

It is the first time you ride your bike to school. It happens to be the class with an air con first so you are relieved. At 9:05 the school gets a bomb scare. You are made to sit on the field. You are messaging your dad and listening to music because you are terrified. A teacher tries to take your phone. You tell them to piss off. They make you sit in the sun away from the rest of the students. You keep messaging your dad. The teachers tell you if you dont hand over your phone they will suspend you. You tell them go ahead. At one point a teacher grabs you to try and get it.

Your parents find out about everything that happened, and they take it to the principal threatening to charge for assault. They are told that if they followed through, you would be an outcast to all teachers. Because what is the word of one mentally ill girl against professionals?

A few days later, the guy you were friends with approaches you. He tells you that he wants nothing to do with you until you fix your depression. You walk out of the school, start walking home, and suddenly get an uncontrollable urge to jump infront of a truck.

You force yourself to the ground, and message your american friend. They tell you that you are being an idiot and they would punch you if they were there.

You call your parents, who come immediately to pick you up from the side of the road. You talk to the suicide hotline about everything that has happened. You go to the hospital and repeat yourself to 3 more seporate people. You are pronounced minor risk and sent home

You dont go back to that school. You dont get accepted into a new school until 3 months later. In your time off, you start running and riding every day. You find a dog park with some nice people.

Your mental health is getting better. You go into your new school and complete all of term 1 and term 2 in the single term. You fail most of your first exams. Your teacher for your strongest subject tells you there is no way you can be an A student. Your OP prediction comes back as 17.

But you keep going. You go to the city every day to do your school work. Your grades get better. You feel better about yourself. By the end of the year, you are a straight A student. You get 2 awards. You get your OP back as 9. You get accepted into university early.

But you have to pay tuition upfront, so you defer 12 months. You start looking for a job. You print off 300 resumes. Over the next few months you use all of them. You walk in to every shop in a 11km radius of your house. You get a job at Subway.

This is your first time working, so you are slow. Your manager makes sure you know this. Every shift he tells you how much of an idiot you are. You give full availability and you are lucky to get more than 10 hours a week.

So you start looking for a job again. You get something for permanent part time, 25 hours per week. So you leave subway, and of course your boss literally begs you to stay.

After 2 weeks in your second job, which has standards higher than anywhere else you have been, you get fired for being too slow.

So you look for jobs again. You get one in a seafood place. It makes you always stink but the work is decent. Easter happens, it is so busy you get a panic attack and have to take a half when you would usually only take 15.

After easter, your boss tells you he doesnt need you anymore, and you are lucky to get one shift per week.

So you look again. An employer tells you to do a cert iii in food processing so you do. You never hear back from the employer.

You get a job at a pie shop. It is very close to home. You get 3 shifts a week, 3 hours each.

So you look again. You get a job in a cafe so you leave the pie shop.

The cafe job is good. You get 20+ hours a week and its reasonable work.

After a couple of months, you realise there is a new law coming in which makes uni fees 3x as much, so you get enrolled right away. There is a maths subject you want to get into but you have to take an entrance exam for it, which doesnt come up until nearly too late. You constantly make phone calls to the uni and they tell you that you probably arent good enough anyway. You end up acing the test.

You pay your tuition out of pocket and buy a 2300$ laptop. You are proud to get this far.

You start uni and it isnt what you expected. You love your maths and physics but your 2 engineering classes are a waste of time. You start worrying that you wasted your money.

You are either working or at uni 7 days a week most weeks. You start to feel overworked and tired.

You join a server for lgbt people, having questioned yours for a while. After a month you have a friend, a 32 year old guy who also loves fishing and your type of music. He makes you a moderator in the 5000 people server, and the owner just says "whatever you are cool". You end up contributing more than 80% of the other mods.

Your 18th birthday comes around. You go out on a boat fishing with your parents and a couple of friends, but they force you to invite their friends as well. The boat is overcrowded, cold, and the fishing is bad.

There is a girl in the server you really like, so you ask her out. She is thousands of miles away but you were sure you could make it work.

But your mental state has been declining again, and it is everything you can do to keep on top of it. You put off going back to therapy because you dont have time.

Your university studies have been getting more stressful as well, you have massive assignments to do in very little time. You are a perfectionist, and when you get a mark back of 74% you are gutted.

But you keep going. It gets closer to when your final assignments are due when your girlfriend says she is depressed because of something and has to be away for a while. You are worried for her and hate that you cant help.

Your other friend from the server hates her. Ever since you asked her out he would tell you that you are too pretty to be with her. While she is away you are talking to him and he tells you he wants to ban her. You tell him no and you go to warn her.

She has hated him the whole time too. But she gets really upset at what he said. You get into a fight about it and she breaks up with you.

She does it nicely, but you tell yourself its because you are not good enough for her. Your friend finds out and immediately starts hitting on you, so you tell him he is an asshole.

You see her seemingly fine the next day but you havent felt worse since you left your old school. You had stopped yourself from self harming for nearly 2 years, but you have now done it 3 times in 2 weeks.

Your mother calls you a bitch. Your boss tells you to harden up. You are back where you started, a loser with no friends and a bottomless pit of assignments.

Maybe it will get better when you finish university. But you cant keep going on like this for another 4 years.

At this point, you get social anxiety bad enough it stops you getting any new friends. You havent trusted a person in years. You probably never will again.

But all through it you keep going. You try to get over all of it. But it is a lot.