#my cosmic comical ladder climbing bonanza

[maxtrickey]

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[ I constantly feel shit, ulcerative colitis makes me feel lazy when I'm chronically fatigued and it sucks that with all the effort I made with uni it's probably not going to end well with how much I've missed recently due to this flu and it affecting my stomach, state of the world doesn't inspire much hope either.

Medicine is going to be scarce if things go to shit but that doesn't effect everyone so no one really cares,

Ironically I've been making way less of the art I want to make at uni but that's down to objective assignment briefs, still doesn't feel great though and it doesn't help inspire me in terms I've what I've missed because it's a portfolio submission for a fuckin mobile game, but I make the best of it with trying to twist the themeing as much as I can to make it something i want (usually by making it spooky or fantasyesque)

Having a disability that people have legitimately told me "it could be worse" about, makes me feel insane.

I dont really talk about it but I'm still feeling what happened almost 3 years ago now and how little I must have meant, how forgettable and easy to erase I am. I'm nothing like i was i constantly have to distract myself or just dread seeps in. Aside from laughing I dont smile often anymore theres a really noticeable cutoff in pictures and I hadn't noticed which was funny so you can really pin point the trajectory of trauma

I also didnt realise I'd taken to leaving clothes and shit on one half of the bed that I was telling myself was laziness/ease of access when I wake up but I've taken to thinking it's the sleeping alone (i dont hate that, I enjoy being entirely alone sometimes, just not perpetually) sometimes I'll wake up with some change beside me on the bed and I laugh to myself that I've become a dragon just isolating myself with treasure

Fewer and fewer people deny that I'm like cosmically cursed now aswell going like:

emetophibia -> anxiety disorder from a young age -> saw my nans torturously slow death resultantly of multiple tumours when I probably should have not been in that hospital environment -> bullied relentlessly when I suddenly and mysteriously gained a fuckton of weight (linked to the undetectable spontaneous mutation thought to have occured that inexplicably gave me ulcerative colitis which wasnt documented in my family -> my my becomes an alcoholic just as I start secondary school according to her because of the crippling guilt she had from "killing her mother" which was her in reality making the decision to have her hospitalised and have a chance of beating the cancer rather than being in more pain -> I almost die when rushed to hospital for an undetectable unknown reason and am told I would have died if I was 10 minutes later to A&E (this is after the paramedic didnt want to take me because "he looks fine") => immediately have to sit my GCSES arguably the most import exams of my educational career after just leaving the hospital -> during all of this endure the emotional and psychological torture enduring and surviving an alcoholic parent who steals from you, lies and when numerous times you try to stage this little intervention on your own because you're so sure that it's up to you to save her because everyone else has given up only to be met with propositions of mutual suicide, just all really added up to make me feel worthless

Then it got better I found someone it was all great for a while, then my mum was found dead by police apparent liver failure as she was trying to actually stop drinking which is ironically what killed her, and 3 days later my girlfriend of 4 and a half years dumps me when shes over consoling me about it, it's honestly a farcical existence and probably very funny from an outside perspective, I've definitely laughed at the comic timing of every single thing that's happened in my life as it just (like me aswell I guess ahaha) mutates and amalgamates getting worse and worse with the passage of time

I haven't vented in a while and I just feel, not empty just like, spent? I'm optimistic, if also cynical and it's like something out of the blue kicks my allegorical ladder away from under me, and that ladder was teetering on top of previously scaled ladders