#and I'm staying home all week
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03.10.2024
Today, Romano went grocery shopping to get his favorite food, pasta!
arab.com link
#today's romano#hetalia#aph romano#hws romano#03.10.2024#my SO is going camping for a week starting tomorrow#(im not a huge fan of tent and sleeping bag camping)#and I'm staying home all week#I'm actually taking spring break(mostly) off work/ grad school#so i need to plan what I'll eat will SO is gone#he doesn't like fish#so I'll do fish#and i was thinking paprika chicken#which i learned about from Dracula last year and absolution fell in love with#but i need another meal or two and I'm unsure what#if y'all have a favorite let me know#I'm here to try and cook some interesting and maybe new things
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the crane wives are once again inspiring me. higher ground is SO mudpawcoded
#rye.txt#'the corvids are calling // warning a forest of predators approaching // am i in danger or am i the threat?'#<- DUDE.#the uncertainty of the future. the fear of change. hiding truth. it's like it was made in a lab for him#mudpaw#also! still taking time away from online stuff/content creation#but I'm feeling better these days#my grandma's memorial service is gonna be next week#hoping that will help with closure and everything#i still find myself doing things for her#like thinking 'oh someone needs to stay home to watch over her' or 'better stay quiet to not wake her up' that sort of thing#and then I remember and it hits me all over again#but I'm doing better :)#thank you guys for all the well wishes
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listening to the locked tomb audiobooks is incredibly enriching (phenomenal narration, audio is best for me to imagine a book vs reading it) and so painful. what do you mean it's going to take me 9 more hours to finish nona. the stakes are just ramping up i should be able to demolish it in one evening as god intended.
#but i'm too scared of missing stuff if i 2x speed it. got to respect the narration#i listened to all of gtn on my commute during my last placement block#and htn during a home alone no friends week (everyone on holiday)#and ntn is now my knitting entertainment#these things stay with me idk#WHAT WILL I DO WHEN IM DONE I WANT TO SAVOUR BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS#the locked tomb#tlt#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#nona the ninth#tamsyn muir
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Everyone clap for me setting BOUNDARIES on my babysitting (said they have to be back by 10 so I can go sleep before driving tomorrow)
#i do love babysitting truly#it's good work that needs doing and the people i do it for are never frivolous#and all of them are good and dedicated parents and their kids are only normal amounts of difficult#that said. i have done um 4 babysittings for total about 15 awake kid hours in just over a week#my voice is shot and so is my patience#bones boy and then all the others are 3 and under#while i'm yapping in the tags i will say for posterity#that i didn't quite get everything done i wanted to today/this week#BUT i finished my chapter draft and all but one of the house/cleaning chores i wanted to#yesterday i spent all day at my small group leaders' first watching the kids and then hanging for dinner#and then book club that evening (they were like why don't you just stay? so i did)#today i returned my library books and got a turmeric latte on the way to babysitting#feel kinda crappy physically cause i haven't worked out consistently and had sugar too much this week#and the early dark is messing with my appetite so i'm trying to figure that out and be responsive#but! i am very excited to be going home tomorrow (first time since may!!) and see everybody and rest with them#it's not rest from everything hard but it is rest from being responsible for my own time and that sounds so lovely right now#i had the best time with the twins yesterday. they were yelling LEAVES and picking up pine needles#so i said it's Pine Needles#and they started going Pine Noodles! Pine Noodles!#they never watch screens and it shows. they're so good at thinking of stuff to do
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it's always so weird and so frustrating to be so self-aware of the doings of the mental illness when in a major breakdown or episode
like I'm there totally realizing it doesn't make sense, there's no logic to it, like it's so stupid, but I can't help but spiral and not being able to stop it from happening because that sick side of the brain is way stronger
it's like watching another being taking control of your body to feel or do x and not being able to stop it, I don't feel like myself
#neo.txt#stupid bitch malfunctioning organ#idk I had a pretty big episode last week for two days and I skipped classes because I had to stay home because I was too depressed#and it made me think about all of this#now I'm better- it's a miracle the week started well#I was even debating going back to therapy but the prices...the money#also shutout to my gf for being so patient and for being there with me
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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#last night we got devastating news from the hospital#friday we took my grandpa to the er for a delirium and leg pain due to clotted veins to get some testing done and help him#turns out he has end stage lung cancer that spread through to his bones. doctors give him 4-8 weeks - tops#i felt guilty all weekend for setting all of rhis in motion while he preferred to stay at home (which he couldn't)#and then we got this diagnosis on top of it all. i've been an absolute wreck. i was wirh him at the er and visited him sunday and today#he's doing okay but he's depressed -has been for years- and it's been really tough fighting for someone who has given up years ago#i'm going home tomorrow. i need some time to rest and process to prepare for al that's to come#anyway. just wanted to update y'all after friday's post. i'm okay - all things considered. i just won't be as active out here as usual
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i will do my big kith weekend recap later (likely tomorrow) but today kevin referred to me as his friend and we spent a minute just nerding out over comedy theory, and when mark left after the show he went out of his way to give me a hug and said "good luck on the documentary, if you need anything just let me know" which was so sweet
#and of course bruce and scott were wonderful as always#scott in particular had a weekend that really proves just how well we balance each other out as a duo#and really showed how much potential he sees in me as a comedian like holy shit he's so supportive#but yeah it was a fun weekend (even tho it's tuesday i'm counting this as a long weekend)#i wish i could stay all week but unfortunately i have to go home for american thanksgiving#but i might be back up for new year's eve again to continue the tradition#(met scott on new year's eve and i've been in town every year since)
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#nothing makes me truly reaffirm my commitment to being poly like the day after a rugby match#i love my bf. i love them wholly and truly for who they are. i dont want them to change outside of healing. y'know that being the best you.#but i dont want them to be someone else. so the fact theyre not a coddling caregiver isnt something I'm ever going to change in them.#they bring me coffee and check in on me and set reminders for my meds and tell me when they have to leave for errands with mum#but they always have to see to other responsibilities because they are that person.#and I love them for that. i love them for being a dutiful son and a pragmatic foreman who prepares for the week.#what does this have to do with polyam james you may ask? well ill tell you-#im learning as i have been for a while now#that as i am a chief caregiver for many ppl in my life including bf and now the ruggers (im a board member)#i deeply deeply DEEPLY want/need care when im in crisis or at a low point and theres no low point quite like post match#when your systems are coming down from adrenaline and everything fuckin hurts like hell and whats worse you're injured#im not good at being taken care of i acknowledge that. but to be coddled and handled with care rn?#have someone to sit with me and make me food and eat with me and help me stay tethered and hold me a bit and smoke with me#idk not even in a sex sense just to be held and cared for#thats why poly am is a thing for me. i love my partners and I dont want to change them i dont want to force all this on them#certain needs can be met by certain ppl in certain ways etc but love is love it is always love its just shown differently#as i was writing this bf called to say he was bringing home nonalc beer for me. i know he loves me. i know he cares. it's just different.#tbd im so very tired and achy and weepy today dont mind me#the match was great for the squad but im not thrilled with myself#hence wanting to curl up in a hole and not come out
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It's officially a day and a half until I leave for Chicago, so naturally, my fight or flight (hehe, flight) that always kicks in before I leave for any kind of trip has kicked in.
#personal#And I can't not go (It's partially for work) nor do I just want to stay home! I hate that I get like this every time.#I'm such a homebody at heart it's honestly pathetic.#Also immensely regretting the fact that I chose the earliest flight thus me having to get up at 3 AM for the airport...#Did I mention I have NOT packed yet at all? I've done two loads of laundry today to prepare for packing tomorrow LMAO.#My Ativan is going to my best friend this week I feel...
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#robin processes emotions on main#would it be evil to stay home from family thanksgiving because I don't think I can do all my homework if I go. would it be selfish#it probably would be selfish#I'm just feeling overwhelmed tonight because I remembered All Of The Homework due on Tuesday next week and I was planning#to do most of that homework today but there's more than I thought and I also chose to do a thanksgiving dinner and online games#with the uncle who also stayed home from family thanksgiving this year. and it was fantastic and I wouldn't trade that for the world#but it was last minute and I'm SO OVERWHELMED NOW 😭#and I just DROPPED THE PIZZA SAUCE from the pizza he bought me and it was just the last straw folks. now there's pizza sauce#on the floor and tears in my eyes and my throat hurts. and I'm aware this whole upset is selfish but STILL#still#wellllll anyway sorry#big sniff#I'm fine and everything will be fine this is just a lose/lose situation#also I'm not feeling well physically and driving four hours tomorrow for a stressful event sounds really sucky :(#four hours round trip for like six hours in person
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!!!! pleased to announce that i did not fail any units this sem!!! not even ancient greek yayy !!! :))
#anywayy how are we all doing this week xx#hope u have been staying warm if it's cold where u are my lovely tumblr friends <3#also on another note does anyone have any semi easy baking recipes they like? have been wanting to do some baking now i'm back home :))
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how come I love leading class and reading groups and small groups and lectures and conference papers and book clubs
and I HATE leading Women's Bible Study
#the actual leading is i guess fine although i STRUGGLE to actually lead#because they're all older than me and kind of friends and confident#and entirely unused to being steered and led so they just take off chatting and comforting each other#and mostly want to talk about their lives way more than about the topic#also our discussion guide is quite meh#but even worse I think is the texting all week long#i don't want to be constantly getting texts! noise! distraction! everyone checking in about everything!#and i recognize that it's a beautiful support in many ways and stay at home moms are lonely#but also. i can't do ANYTHING without that text thread popping up#feels like there's absolutely no boundaries#and they all have problems they always want to talk about#and this year not only do i have most of my previous women with problems i also have one with some really major issues#that i haven't dealt with personally and i need a lot of wisdom and care in leading her well#i need to change my tires! i need to be able to read on my phone and not be constantly reminded of the people i'm helping!#the only way i've remained stable this long in life is by keeping problems in separate spaces!#sigh. and with that i will go do yoga and get immersed in a conference paper#and not think about problems#(can you tell the time of women approaches me)
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Watch anime with curry in a hotel
#saru getchu on air#I also had the best sushi of my life in this city. for three nights. then we noticed it had a 1* health rating#Somehow survival#ape escape#we also played pumped & primed in here we were staying the week#so we'd just get back. have a bath. watch Tokyo Mew Mew and Saru Getchu.#then play Ape Escape 1-3 and Pumped & Primed#we beat pumped & primed in this hotel room and it was so much fun#now I'm home I can post all of the piccies
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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really sucks when you can't enjoy things you like bc doing them makes you feel guilty and like you're a piece of shit
#personal#going through it again#it happens every so often like once every few weeks#maybe months if i'm being optimistic#just feeling. like i know i'm avoiding the stuff i like bc i feel like i should be doing other things#like fucking getting my documents that i still need to go find a job#so i can have money to help at home#instead of just sitting here all day on my laptop#but i can't do that bc im stressed about it#i know most of my family doesn't mind i help around the house still when i'm actually feeling decent but still#can't help but be stressed#also the anxiety but that's like#a constant in my life. that's just how it is#so i just move around it#at least i can still enjoy reading#i enjoy reading so so much#and i'm really looking forward to having my friends over for my bday next saturday (not this one)#should help me deal with all this stuff#really need more contact with people#bc i haven't seen them in like a month at least#been staying up until like 4am lately bc i'm just#reading lol#been really into momlet content with a side of monster clover :3
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