#and I’m just. I know I’m not articulating this well but like

[savagewildnerness]

There’s really an awful lot of pondering on death & suicide & what it takes to endure existence in The Vampire Lestat… for all it’s viewed as a lighter book than Interview with the Vampire! Like, to the degree that every single main character is at some point either suicidal or wishes to die… or that actually happens. Even though the majority of them are immortal!

It’s making me wonder on this re-read, where I try to think about it more deeply, rather than just reading it - is an innate understanding of how difficult it is to endure/how easy it could be to just slip from existence a reason many of us initially loved this book? Is that Anne can articulate so well that desire to escape oneself & how it feels when that’s impossible one of the most important themes of the books?

Obviously, I’ve spoken about it often: I always associated with Nicolas a lot. Primarily due to how he perceives his own ability/experience of violin playing (I was 12. I definitely wasn’t then, nor am I now anywhere near as cynical as Nicolas….) but I don’t say it is *only* the violin & Nicolas’ music & how he feels to play and about his music that I associate with. Not least because in my opinion, how Nicolas perceives his own music is a reflection of how he perceives himself & how he perceives the world.

In any case, after my last night pondering on Armand’s internal desolation & the way he is actually most emptied of feeling when filled with some external source… yet that’s what he desires/needs because it is the only way he can feel safe… and he’d welcome death it feels if it came to him rather than him having to seek it, and going against God.

Well anyway, I haven’t read on yet, but I listened to the next bit on audiobook as I drive today. And it really struck me how delicate everyone’s mind & heart is.

Nicolas is actually like a fragile genius as a vampire - creating wildly creative, dark plays, articulating the horrors he feels are true (& thus creating Good Art Actually Lestat!) yet he cannot cope. But is it really *madness* that Nicolas screams of horrors in the streets to mortals; that he wants to create a league of vampires; that he wants humans to destroy them all; that he cannot bear it? It seems quite natural to me. Not mad really at all!

And Lestat too, gives himself over to death in despair. For all he talks of enduring, he would not have been able to rise this first time he went into The Earth, but for Marius saving him. And no wonder. He has lost everything. Lestat, talking on fate & how if we escape it, perhaps it waits for us.

It’s hard for me, as a friend died last week at a similar mortal age to Nicolas’ 30 years & this whole part is death & inability to cope with the simple Horror of existence. (Albeit; monstrous existence… but existence *is* monstrous as it is, right? Vampires are a fantastical representation of the very real & way more horrific in my opinion (as it can’t be contained in beautiful, sensual, philosophical vampires in reality…) truth of the actual horror of existence for us all.)

And Lestat speaking on fate reminds me too of Debbie. A girl I went to secondary school with. When she was 11 she got Lupus & her secondary school years were awful, but she endured. I didn’t keep in touch with her after school & her Uncle worked in aircraft engineering & got her a good job. But she survived Lupus in her teenage years, only for death to claim her at 23 in a totally unrelated way… as if it had always just lain in wait. She had escaped it, but then fate waited for her.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I kind of want to create a poll, but I’ve just made myself laugh out loud at what that poll would be - like something like *Did your wee tween self relate to the self-immolatory desires of vampires?* Nice cheery question for a Monday!

I don’t mean it in a depressing way though. We can talk about The Horrors, while allowing joy & fun & play & amusement & silliness & innocence & childlikeness, right? Can we? I am not sure what I’m getting at…?

But this part is hard for me to read right now. And yet cathartic always too. Because… we all feel it, right? Anne is expressing what we humans feel in our tiny existences too.

How to bear it? The overwhelmingness of that.

Right?

[moxxiemisfire]

“That’s Millie for you~” There was a fond warmth in his voice that flowed into a soft chuckle of amusement, “I heard you took it like a champ though - I’m not sure I would’ve survived a beating like that from Mills,” Truly, the woman was a force to be reckoned with. Was it bad that he found that undeniably hot? Ugh. It really ought to be embarrassing how whipped he was for his wife. The smaller imp nodded his head slowly, agreeing with the sentiment, “Sharing shit IS hard” he confessed, “I’d be a huge hypocrite if I judged you for that, sir, considering how I never told you that my dad was a shitty mob boss,”

Moxxie did, unfortunately, know how possessor demons worked — luckily, not through personal experience. It was…well, fucked up, there wasn’t really any more articulate way to express it. A little unsure if he was allowed, but accepting any fall out and following his instincts anyway, he reached up a hand to place comfortingly on Blitz’s shoulder. “Blitz, possessor demons, for the most part, are, like, preprogrammed to be parasitic pieces of shit…” he paused a moment, clearing his throat softly to keep his voice steady, “I just…Millie was there to step in, right? and if it were to happen again…If anything were to happen…I mean, you know that we’ll always be there, right? I…maybe I don’t say it enough, but we all have your back — I mean, I-I have your back”

A soft, thoughtful, frown crossed Moxxie’s features as Blitz more or less apologised for all the shit that’d happened in the past few months. The fall out with Stolas and that party had really impacted him. “It’s been a wild ride,” he admitted with a small sigh, “You’re wild and erratic…and-and sometimes I have no fucking clue what’s going on in your head. You drive me fucking nuts…but, you want to know something? If you weren’t you…with all of your scars and your harebrained schemes, then…well, we wouldn’t be where we are today. I...well, I might not even be here…like, at all.” What kind of imp was insane enough to create their own company? Navigate a deal to traverse the human world to boost profits? Who else would pour all of themselves into their stupid, little, dysfunctional family? To give a chance to the heartbroken, cry-baby, gunslinger that happened to fall into his path? “So, trust me when I say, if you being less of a mess would make you less…well, anything, then I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with your bullshit.” he then paused for a moment before adding, “…anyway, most of the losers at that party barely know you, Blitz. I’ve been at your side for years now, I like to think I’m the leading expert in Blitz bullshit, so take my word for it, okay? They’re full of shit”

A deep, concerned, frown etched itself on Moxxie’s face as he stared across at Blitz — he didn’t believe him. Not in the slightest. However, he’d come to expect the dismissive way that his the taller imp would dodge any display of genuine vulnerability. That why, when Blitz took a moment before amending his previous statement, Moxxie know just how huge of a deal that was. In all the years Moxxie had known Blitz (and truly, it had been quite a few at this point) the assassin had never admitted when he wasn’t coping well. It was a step. A significant one.

Moxxie let out a soft hum of affirmation, “Mills told me some stuff…” he began to explain, “I’m aware the two of you went ghost fucking…you know, in spite of them not existing…and that you stumbled into a possessor demon — who you both, and I directly quote, ‘beat the ever lovin’ crap outta’” There was a gentle calm to Moxxie’s words, his eyes focused intently on the taller imp as though the back of his head could provide any kind of clue as to how he was feeling. “I figure there’s a lot I don’t know,” he admitted with a loose shrug of his shoulders, “Despite what you might think, Mills doesn’t tell me everything — I think, maybe, she understands that there are things you probably don’t want her sharing…things that you’ll share with me in your own time if you want to..?”

It was weird to think that there was anything the couple didn’t share: considering how they were joined at the hip. However, the pair had a rich and varied relationship with Blitz and generally agreed that they weren’t owed any of the information the other was privy to. Moxxie agreed with Millie, he didn’t want to know personal details about Blitz because Millie had brought him into the loop. He wanted to know because Blitz wanted him to.

[spacemancharisma]

not to be aggressively southern on main but ppl who think that singing with a twang and saying yeehaw to whatever beat they threw together automatically makes it a country song or even a country fusion………… this is simply not the case

[yea-baiyi]

ok but like imagine being hua cheng. and when you were a teenager you were trapped in a cave with your god when he got hit with sex pollen and you already felt ugly and unlovable but he stabbed himself through the gut rather than touch you and you saw him shirtless and horrifyingly that’s how you found out you were gay

and then you meet him again centuries later when you’ve grown up and become comfortable in your own skin, and you think you might be in love with him except a part of you still feels terrified that he’ll look at you and find you hideous again. but you want to trust him so you show him your real face. and. turns out he finds your adult self so hot that you make him horny for the first time in his life and he keeps doing and saying absolutely deranged things because he does not know how to cope. he panics and tries to give you, a ghost, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and while you’re lying there trying not to freak out he is beside you acting out his one man humiliation-style comedy show because he has never wanted to kiss someone before let alone fuck. he agrees to get locked in a coffin together because he never even considered the possibility that he might pop a boner except he does pop a boner and now you are stuck under him while he squirms and you are trying very hard not to think about your own boner

i don’t know how to end this post i just think that’s so funny. and they live happily ever after and have lots of gay sex. hua cheng keeps winning. slay king

[starlooove]

Why are y’all surprised that borderline capitalists and liberals like Hobie when they hate leftists, especially black leftists, irl 💀

Real people saying these things make them think and feel guilty, when a real person says we cannot thrive or make significant change by utilizing systems stacked against said change, they have to think about their own lifestyles and ideals. When a real person says violence is the answer and money needs to become meaningless, all they think is “but I could get hurt or in trouble” and “but I’ll never be rich”.

When Hobie says it it’s just a character being entertaining. There’s a bit of truth but you don’t take it seriously because you don’t have to. It’s the same way they’re fine with saying ACAB posts and reading books on anti-racism but can’t muster up the courage to tell their friend to stop saying the n word. It’s all cute till it’s you irl, so ppl who know leftists irl and don’t like them will love hobie. It feels like KNOWING Hobie maybe kinda sorta has a point is enough to negate the idea that their complicity in these systems irl is actually harmful.

It’s like that thing where ppl do bad things and think knowing it’s bad is the same as being apologetic and changing or deserving forgiveness.

Like in conclusion, it’s easy to like Hobie when you’re not face to face with someone like him and you’re not expected to do any work. It’s the same thing as yt ppl liking the Medea movies. God forbid a black person is actually loud in public but it’s fine when they’re doing their little jigs just for you.

[angelmush]

the other day i walked around the golden lake w my love and the sun was setting hot and orange and we watched a brown duck preening through the weeds, ducking her head under the dark water. the cool lake swallowed up my tired feet to the ankles and we counted the dog walkers with their curly panting doodles and their handsome german shepherds and their whip smart little terriers and we admired the careful construction of a sand castle whose moat held determinedly against the lapping of the waves. we could feel in our chests the persistent thunderous thumping of celebratory music at the finish line of the lakeside 5k, welcoming each gasping runner across its bounds. and i felt like crying. i felt like curling into myself and crying. we walked through the swamp of the bird sanctuary afterwards and listened to the woods sing and croak and groan and then we went and got ube and yuzu gelato and devoured it suntired and sweating on the couch in our living room. and i was so overcome w a deep and true unshakeable happiness and a sort of confused grief that i wanted to sob and sob and sob.

[angelnumber27]

violently forcing myself to have better days

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

There has been so much excellent discussion on my dash this morning, especially musing on the privacy vs secret thing, and once again thinking about how strange it must be to go from thinking “I must shrink myself and avoid public sightings for the sake of my sanity and personhood” to realizing that perhaps you are shrinking yourself in public specifically because the person you’re with doesn’t (or people you’re with don’t) want your personhood to infringe on their peace of mind 😵‍💫

[wander-wren]

sighs. thinking about bare again…..

[tariah23]

Man….. :(

[citizen-zero]

it drives me nuts how it feels like you can’t talk about certain feminist issues anymore without inevitably getting called a TERF even if you’re not one. like I hate TERFs and I think the pushback against them is fully justified but sometimes it feels as if, in our efforts to make bigots unwelcome, we’ve unintentionally ceded ground to them and made it so people think of TERFs when they think of feminists. which is the opposite of what we want.

your feminism has to be intersectional but like, that means acknowledging that not all women are going to have the same kinds of problems. gay women and straight women have lots of issues that will never overlap. same with women of color and white women. I don’t think it should be controversial to recognize that the same is true for trans women + AFAB people and cis women. I think it’s okay for some conversations to only focus on one or the other.

idk this is mostly a problem I see in left leaning spaces bc the conversation in broader society already mainly focuses on feminism in white cishet terms but the answer isn’t to do a whole 180 and shut down conversations about issues that primarily impact cis women and AFAB people and make people nervous about talking about those issues, the answer is to continually affirm that trans women are women regardless of AGAB.

[viktoriakomova]

Not to get Sad but like. I miss not knowing what’s going on with gymnastics in a way lmao? Like I peer pressured (complimentary, pat-on-back celebration worthy 😎) some of my normie friends into getting bama szn tix and I brought them to a meet last year and they were so so jazzed about like. ALL of it.

In a way I do understand bc it’s all just so impressive to Normies who mostly can’t even touch their toes let alone do a passable cartwheel etc so like EVERYTHING is awesome by default. And that’s not true of basketball football etc like most able bodied people can do the basics of those sports even if their performance is terrible. Most people can throw a ball or dribble it even if they suck, or carry it and run at some speed. But yeah ykwim

Like one of my friends, his favorite skill is a double pike on floor. He just thinks it’s the most impressive thing and he loves watching it every single time, he doesn’t know shit about difficulty ratings he’s just watching what’s in front of him and in a way I’m extremely jealous of him 😭😭😭😭

[bikananjarrus]

also sabine calling ahsoka “master” in the trailer mmmmmmm don’t know how i feel about that. don’t think i like it. it’s a trailer so things are obvs spliced together in a certain way, but implying that they’re trying to make sabine as a jedi??

now i love that at the end of rebels, ezra left his lightsaber with sabine and she still uses it. but introducing formal training for her?? idk it feels like they’re sidelining her mandalorian heritage, and if they make her force sensitive istg. like if they wanted to have ahsoka walk away from someone again, jacen or ezra was right there (ezra more in the sense of abandoning him in wild space, which still happened :/ ). idk trying to give ahsoka an apprentice and it being sabine is just meh. like reducing sabine to the role of an apprentice also just makes me feel like dave didn’t trust her to be interesting enough otherwise for more casual viewers, which is so disrespectful of the rebels source material

[the-golden-dragoness]

Not crying and being guilt ridden again :))))))

[south-sea]

shadow having days where he’s more kid than adult, and more adult than kid

but also days where he’s more maria than shadow