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wander-wren · 4 months ago

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Are You There, God? It’s Me, Matthew

Time for the promised defense of our favorite asshole, with analysis of my favorite song from the show, “Are You There?”

Brief disclaimers: I haven’t seen a staging of the show in YEARS, so there may be some missing context, but I have done my best. I am also coming at it as a complete outsider, being both an agnostic raised “non-denominational” Christian and someone firmly removed from most of the drama in my own high school.

I want to make this post accessible to non-Bare fans, mostly so I can foist it on my unsuspecting friends, so I will begin with a synopsis and do my best to explain everything.

Bare: A Pop Opera is a coming of age story about two boys, Peter and Jason (secretly dating) at a Catholic boarding school. The central conflict is that Peter is tired of being closeted and wants to come out, but Jason is terrified and refuses. Orbiting them are their friend group, Nadia (Jason’s sister), Ivy, and Matthew, who each have their own set of problems that gets tangled with the boys.

“Are You There?” takes place at the point where all of the setup begins to coalesce into conflict. Our situation is thus: Jason and Peter have had multiple fights over whether or not to come out. Some of this was instigated by a rave they both went to, where they danced together and no one batted an eye; Peter uses this to argue that the world isn’t so harsh, while Jason thinks Peter is naive and a rave is very different from the whole world. We’ve also been introduced to Jason’s father (from Jason’s perspective, at least), who appears to be very hard on his kids and emotionally absent. Jason is also popular and has a reputation as a “ladies man,” whereas Peter seems more reserved, awkward, and unnoticed, which gives Jason more to lose socially by coming out.

In the background, we have Ivy, who has a reputation for sleeping around and seems to be generally regarded as a bit spoiled and vain. We’ve seen her and Nadia trade a lot of insults, but outside of that she seems to be grounded and sweet, and sings a song called “Portrait of a Girl” where she struggles with how people view her.

Nadia isn’t too relevant here, unfortunately, but she’s awesome so everyone say hi Nadia, we appreciate you.

Matt has yet to have too much characterization. He deals drugs to the student population and acts as the ringleader for the rave adventure, but otherwise doesn’t do much. He does have a song called “Wonderland” where he tells the group about some new drug he wants them to try. He also sees Jason and Peter dancing at the rave, but I’m not sure if we know this when “Are You There?” occurs; he reveals it later in another song, but without seeing the whole production I can’t say if we’re meant to know before that. We also know he has a huge crush on Ivy that she doesn’t reciprocate, but she hasn’t outright turned him down.

“Are You There?” takes place during Ivy’s birthday party, a week after the rave. Matt and Peter both escape the party separately; Matt because Ivy rebuffed him and went to dance with Jason, and Peter because Jason is dancing with Ivy. They pray about their issues, then discover they’re not alone outside and talk. Peter comes out to Matt and reveals he and Jason are dating, which Matt at the time accepts.

Later in the show, Matt will start a fistfight with Jason and call him a faggot, and a bit later out him and Peter to their entire class. Based on the fact that Matt only targets Jason, this is less out of homophobia and more out of petty jealousy that Ivy likes Jason instead of him. The outing, among other problems not relevant here (and institutional homophobia, which is relevant), leads Jason to suicide.

So, uh, Matt’s an asshole. But! I like him anyway, and we’re gonna talk about why. Rewind to Ivy’s party, this song, and this pivotal conversation between Peter and Matt.

Matt begins the song by asking God, “Do you know—well of course you do— / What it’s like to stand outside? / To watch the world and wish / you didn’t hurt so much you cried? / I know I’m not the only one / and I know I shouldn’t care / but I feel these things are real / I wish I felt you there / And if I did, I’d ask you / How come life is so unfair?”

I believe this is the one time in the show we see Matt’s real feelings. The rest of the song I think is also probably very genuine, but Matt is the type to put up a front even around his friends, so it’s hard to be sure.

So this gives us a lot of new information about Matthew right away: he feels alone and like an outsider, he’s depressed, he’s conditioned to dismiss his own feelings but doesn’t want to, and he’s struggling with his faith.

I’ve already made a post about the theory that Matt had a relative who died during the school year. You can read that, or, TLDR: A dead girl named Megan Lloyd is referenced in a throwaway line in a song that comes after “Are You There?” Since Matthew’s last name is also Lloyd, it seems like they are probably related, and this could contribute to his behavior/attitude, especially since her death is treated as a joke and never brought up again.

It’s possible that Megan’s death (and its dismissal) contributes to Matt feeling apart and to him wrestling with faith.

(An aside: I do love this song because of it’s opening verses. Something about the interjection of “of course you do” is very humanizing of God and very sweetly telling of the boys’ view/relationship to him. I also think “of course” is one of the best phrases in the English language, generally. Of course.)

Peter sings a verse with similar themes, and the boys sing together: “Are you there? Are you there? / Do you watch me when I cry? / And if it’s in your power / how can you sit idly by? / I try so hard to please you / but you never seem to see / Is it my fate to sit and wait? / Wonder what my struggle means? / I wish I knew that someone out there cared / Cared for me.”

I’ve italicized the lines that Matt sings alone (with Peter singing the lines following each one alone). Overall the chorus doesn’t do too much except nail home how lost and somewhat bitter both boys feel. Matt wishing that someone cared about him serves to highlight his loneliness, even though he has friends and seems popular.

At this point the boys briefly stop singing and just speak. Matt calls, “Who’s out there?” and when Peter responds, “Matt?” he says, “Yeah, are you alright?”

The way Matt says this line in the official cast recording, at least, has always stuck out to me. He sounds so gentle and genuine, and you remember that they’re friends. We see that Matt isn’t oblivious or self-centered, even though on the surface he just seems like he’s being dramatic that his crush doesn’t like him back.

Anyway, the boys sit together and Matt offers Peter some wine. They commiserate vaguely about the party and life, and then Peter admits, “It sucks to be ignored,” to which Matt says (beginning to sing properly again), “Ugh, I know! I always fight to do what’s right / and this is my reward.”

It’s very odd to me that Matt says this. It does make him seem kind of childish and entitled; which, he’s a seventeen year old boy, they can be that way. But I wonder if it’s a hint to some inner world that we’re never properly shown, some moral struggle Matt has. Or he’s just being dramatic. Who knows!

The boys sing together again: “Are you there? Are you there? / Can you make some time for me? / They tell me that you’re out there / And they tell me that you see / I try to find the meaning, God / You know how hard I’ve tried / But I don’t know where I’m going / and I don’t have any guide.”

This verse doesn’t really give us too much that’s new. Wanting more from God and feeling lost are very very common feelings.

Matt then sings, alone, “They said things would get better / but I guess they lied.” This line always makes me want to cry a little bit, this hint at Matt’s utter hopelessness and sort of resignation to it.

Peter then sings, “Are you there? / He needs to give me more,” and Matt agrees, “I’ll drink to that.”

Peter is referring both to God and to Jason, but Matt of course only thinks he’s talking about God. Probably. It is kind of funny to read it as Matt agreeing Jason owes Peter more. But what I’m more interested in is the fact that Peter’s line is diegetic, since Matt responds to it, but Matt’s line right before doesn’t get a response, at least not in this recording. Did Peter hear him say things won’t get better? What would he think about that? Peter seems a pretty hopeful person in spite of it all.

At any rate, Peter continues by saying, “Who cares what people think? / We’re fine, we’ve been through this before / One day he’ll wake up / and realize all he needs is me / Until then, God, I wish I knew / I need a guarantee.”

So here is where the relationship is confirmed to Matthew. Matthew says nothing to him, instead directing his next line back to God: “I need to know for sure that you’ll be there.”

Peter echoes that sentiment and the song proper ends, fading into a soft piano. At this point Matt and Peter begin to dance together, with Matt asking “Who’s leading?” and Peter answering, “I don’t know.” Matt asks “Who usually leads?” thereby acknowledging Peter and Jason’s relationship (and subtly asking who tops, lmao).

Peter whispers into Matt’s ear, which we can assume is him properly coming out, then says goodnight and leaves.

Now. It is absolutely possible to read Matt as deceiving in this song and a so-closeted-he’s-homophobic type of guy, between the dance and his treatment of Jason, but as I said before I don’t believe his behavior is rooted in homophobia. I also don’t believe he was lying about his feelings to earn Peter’s trust and gain information from him. There’s nothing to suggest that is Matt’s goal.

I think Matt is straight and starts the dance as a genuine show of support for Peter. Remember, this show was written and takes place in ~2000. Matt is touching Peter, doing an intimate activity with him, right after Peter has come out. It is extremely significant and sweet. Asking who leads is an even more overt gesture of acceptance; Matt wants to hear about them and what their relationship is like. This moment is unbelievably special and I believe that’s why Peter decides to come out rather than play damage control.

Okay, so, that’s all well and good, but what about the part where Matt’s a total dickhead later on? Well.

Matt fights Jason and calls him a faggot the very next day, but he does so during their rehearsal for the school play, where a fight is already scripted; he just takes it too far and adds the slur, whispered for only Jason. I think that this was a response to Jason dancing with Ivy and Matt wanted to let Jason know he held something over him; I believe that if Jason and Ivy had gone no further, Matt wouldn’t have either.

But instead, when Peter arrives and tries to convince Jason, again, to come out, Jason breaks up with him.

Shortly after (it’s unclear how long; possibly the same day), Ivy approaches Jason to apologize for being so forward at her party. Jason says it’s okay and pretends to reciprocate his feelings, clearly in an attempt to be “normal” and distance himself from his queerness/relationship to Peter. He and Ivy end up having sex, and then everyone splits for spring break.

When they return from break, Ivy asks to meet with Jason before a play rehearsal, where she reveals that she’s pregnant. Jason loses it and they begin to argue. Matt appears, as well as other students ready for rehearsal, and tells Ivy that Jason is gay and will never treat her the way she deserves (like he would, if she would date him).

Peter runs in and asks what’s going on. This is the only time Matt is even a bit mean to him, asking “Ivy’s pregnant and your boyfriend’s the dad / So what does that make you?” Peter tries to deny it, and Matt tells him not to play dumb.

Jason shouts at Matt to shut up and Matt taunts him about seeing them dance at the rave. Jason shouts at him some more, trying to salvage the situation, before Peter reveals that Matt does know what he’s talking about, because Peter told him.

Jason storms out, has a crisis, etc, and ultimately ends up getting drugs from Matt and overdosing on the night of the school play. It’s not clear whether this drug deal was already arranged or not, or why Matt lets an obviously unstable classmate have pills. We don’t get to see his thought process.

I think that Matt genuinely didn’t grasp the severity of what he was doing. He knew it would hurt Jason, but he didn’t expect it to destroy him. As Jason takes the pills, Matt even says, “You know we’re still cool, right?” in a sort of clumsy, teen-guy attempt to smooth things over. It seems to cross his mind what Jason could do with the drugs, but he’s too nervous to confront him about it directly. Maybe he assumes he’ll have more time, to talk to Jason again or warn someone closer to him.

Matt apologizes better to Peter later in the same scene, saying, “Peter, what I did…that was messed up. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.” (Peter only replies “It’s done,” for the curious.)

It is interesting how Matt responds differently to each of them, and implies he’s closer and more comfortable with Peter (makes sense, given his animosity/rivalry with Jason). I read this both as a real apology to Peter and an attempt to soothe his guilt over Jason; maybe he’s hoping Peter will put in a good word for him, though Peter and Jason are barely speaking at this point either.

The next we see Matt is in the final song, which takes place during the graduation ceremony. He begins his valedictorian speech, stammering, “I’d like to start with just a— / If we could take a moment— / If maybe we were silent / Or we had spoken / I tried to find the words to— / Just the right quotation / But I must confess I came up empty.”

Matt never seems unsure of himself before now. While metaphorically, yes, he sings a song about uncertainty, he doesn’t stumble over his words or have nothing to say. I would say Matt is acutely aware of his position, and that while he is referencing his speech when he talks about coming up empty, he’s also referring to that last moment of contact. That brief second where he could have said or done anything, could have made a difference, and only let Jason go.

That’s all we have of Matt. A conflicted, lonely, potentially-grieving kid who made a stupid, fucked-up choice in a fit of envy and has to deal with the consequences.

I’m unsure, at the end of all this, whether I have the dominant opinion. I’ve never really interacted with Bare’s fandom. I hope I have the dominant opinion. Matt’s pretty easy to hate and narratives are pretty easy to twist.

But I keep coming back to a dance outside a party. And I don’t believe Bare is a story in black and white.

#wren wrambles #bare: a pop opera #bare the musical #meta #wren attempts to act like the english major they are

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