#always my most authentic self. never not true to my essence

[therootednomad]

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[outfitqueer]

The Tipping Point

Deciding to Come Out @outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

Deciding to come out was like reaching the peak of a mountain I had been climbing for years, often without realizing how steep the incline was.

For so long, I had been carrying the weight of my true identity, hidden beneath layers of fear, uncertainty, and societal expectations.

But there comes a point where the burden becomes too heavy, and the idea of continuing to live a life that isn’t yours feels more unbearable than the fear of what might happen if you finally let go.

In the months leading up to my decision, the internal struggle became almost constant.

It was as if every aspect of my life was being filtered through this lens of dissonance.

Simple interactions—buying clothes, talking to friends, even just walking down the street—were charged with a quiet but persistent reminder that I was living a life that didn’t align with who I truly was.

I’d look at other women, not with envy, but with a deep sense of recognition and longing.

They were living the life I wanted, the life that felt like it should be mine.

One of the most challenging parts was the internal dialogue that raged on, often late at night when I was alone with my thoughts.

I’d go back and forth, trying to convince myself that I could keep going as I was, that maybe it wasn’t so bad.

But the truth was, every day that passed where I didn’t live as my authentic self felt like a day wasted, a day where I was denying the very essence of who I was.

There were also those moments—sharp, crystallizing moments—where the dissonance was impossible to ignore.

Like the time I found myself avoiding my reflection in a store window, not because I disliked how I looked, but because I didn’t recognize the person staring back at me.

Or when a friend casually commented on how they couldn’t imagine being anyone but who they were, and I realized with startling clarity that I had never truly felt that way about myself.

But the final tipping point wasn’t a single moment; it was a culmination of many.

It was the slow, steady realization that the pain of hiding was greater than the fear of being seen.

It was recognizing that every time I pushed my true self down, I was only prolonging the inevitable.

I remember sitting alone one evening, the weight of everything pressing down on me, and thinking, “I can’t keep doing this.” That thought was followed by another, softer but more resolute: “I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be me.”

From that moment, the decision was made.

It wasn’t sudden or impulsive; it was the result of years of internal struggle and self-reflection.

But once I allowed myself to acknowledge it, there was no turning back.

The fear was still there—of course it was—but it was now accompanied by a sense of determination, a quiet but firm resolve that I was going to come out, no matter what.

In that decision, there was a strange mixture of terror and relief.

I knew the road ahead wouldn’t be easy, but for the first time, I felt like I was moving toward something real, something that truly belonged to me. And that made all the difference.

Coming out wasn’t just about telling others who I was; it was about finally telling myself, and in doing so, beginning the process of becoming whole.

It was the moment when I chose authenticity over fear, truth over silence.

And in that choice, I found the strength to step into the light and begin living the life I was always meant to live.

@outfitqueer 🏳️‍⚧️

[esoteriamaya]

THE GIRL IS A SWAN : THE SYMBOLISM OF BEAUTY & MAGIC. BEAUTY TIPS & MORE

Every girls dream is to be as pretty & elegant as the swan.

I want to go in deeper about the perception and symbolism of the swan, which is my inspiration for this post I'm making.

The swan is a symbol of beauty through the enactment of gentleness, creative expression, femininity and grace. In this post, my focus is based on the spirituality of beauty, grace, and the prospering of the divine feminine code. The beauty that is Venus, and that Venusian power is full of love, compassion, & understanding. It is imcomparable to other forms of its nature. And has been a blessing to humanity for ages.

The beauty tips I want to express to everyone is through the art of creating a new look and flow for yourself. How the divine essence that you carry can express itself through the power of grace, and doesn't need to be tainted by outside forces.

The swan is a symbol of methamorphasis. Have you ever seen a baby swan grow into itself? Or have you ever heard of the story 'The Ugly Duckling?' Transformation is a theme when dealing with our looks because it's always growing, changing, and trends around beauty are constantly moving. Always on to the next big thing, but one thing that will always stay true is that vibration and energy never lies. And even if beauty and the standards around it change, it doesn't mean that you have to.

So with that being said, let's get into some beauty tips and embracing some swan magic !

Start slow.

There is never a need to rush, darlings. The gentleness that is needed to pamper ourselves is to simply bask into every bit of experience that is left throughout the day. When we force ourselves to rush into an experience, we are taking away from its pure beauty. And that itself is exhausting. If there is one thing that I've learned throughout my years, is that to fully comprehend the energy that is displaying itself all around us is to simply stop, and enjoy the show. The swan is never seen rushing.. even when flying it shows forth its magnificence through its slow burning movements. Its wings carry a force by simply taking it's time. Not trying to speed through anything.

When it comes to beauty, and applying makeup or putting on our clothes, what's the rush? Do you take your time to put things together? To find something worth meaning, authenticity or do you occasional rush from time to time. This works for some but not everyone, being spontaneous is sometimes out of the swan's reach. But for you, it's not always bad. However.. it needs a little bit of thought. And that shouldn't be a problem.

When it comes to our hair, our clothes, our skin, and anything in between we gotta first come to terms with what is it that makes us feel good. The art of taking your time is a sensual grace that can become a powerful force.

Expressing your divine femininity.

Okay, so first off. Let's talk about divine femininity not always being about the most girliest things. Dresses, makeup, lashes, heels. All these things don't make for a feminine individual. It simply has no filter.

So what those this mean? When it comes to your self expression, the power of your creativity is through the act of emotion. The way you flow into the room and make your presence known is your feminine flow. But again, it has nothing to do with being 'girly', you simply just have to walk the walk.

When expressing our divine femininity, it can be through an outlet of some form. If its fashion, cool. If its dance, great. If it's your speech, even better. All in all, practice expressing your femininity through what you love most. That's how the world see's your beauty, through embracing your divine feminine energy in the way you see fit is all that matters.

Always. Stay. Calm.

Swans are notorious for being peaceful, and aren't too prone to being aggressive. Now I'm not saying you can't tell a mf off, but please be discreet. Not everyone deserves it. It's time to start easing yourself into a more relaxing aura. Be cool. Be smart. And stay to yourself. If someone tries to get you out of character just know its them and not you. Some things are better left unsaid, and to be honest with you, some things are just beneath you. It is what it is.

Enjoying The Experience

Being in the now is always perfect timing. You could've been anywhere else, but you're right here. Where you need to be.

Enjoying the moment is all we have in this lifetime, not getting too caught up with whatever is outside of you, and focusing on whats within and around you. It's an art to being in the present, and just taking in the joy of the reality you set foot in. How more magical can it get? It starts with you.

And now, my favorite part of the post. Is getting into the metaphysics of this animal symbolism.

If you believe in animal spirits, and the energy they symbolize then hey, this is for you. Glad you could make it :)

The Swan's Magic

So what I want to start off by expressing is that everything has a vibration. Energy is everything and nothing at the same time. And what I want to express to you guys is that with swan magic increasing into the forefront it means to creatively express your unique senses in every part of your finger tips. Your presence is an authentic source of creation and the flow that you carry is an artform in itself. I said this before but differently, I just need y'all to get it into your school. You are a masterpiece, a canvas, an ocean of art, life, & beauty. You gotta feel that. And own it.

So when I speak about the vibration of swans, it's more of a dark force that can be deeply felt but not easily meant to be explored.

We're not meant to be fully perceived in all our glory. A Muse's beauty is meant to be on a pedestal and to be seen in all her light, what's most alluring about her always stays in the shadows for the right people to see. Most will never be able to see her true light, its a treasure. That's what being a goddess is primarily about.

The vibration focuses on etherealism. A remarkable essence that is built off inspiring others into a calmness, delightful magic. That is the aura of the swan magician. <3

This is a little post on my thoughts on swan magic, and overall embracing the energy that is divinely feminine. I hope you all enjoyed!

[aihoshiino]

So Hikaru basically can't have anyone brighter than Ai huh? But I am curious what makes him want that. There is just so less about him ajd whatever we have about him is either confusing or fake-ish. He is also having mentality of Ai being the strongest and the most invicible. But we know Ai wasn't like that it was just a lie. But technically speaking Ai could have never lied to Hikaru. So it is either Ai was just super good at lying and hiding and/or after Ai's rejection and especially that "I don't know" Hikaru might have felt that Ai can't be vulnerable nd is so indifferent. She is bound to be strongest and the most invincible. But then why and what exactly is hikaru doing? Throughout the series there are so many questions regarding so many things, istg if Aka doesn't answer them-

My take on Kamiki, even now, is that he wants to preserve and maintain the legacy of 'Ai of B-Komachi', even years after her death. We don't quite have enough information to properly nail down his motives and inner workings yet, though I am currently treating some of the info we got in 15YL as true enough, just for the purposes of having like, literally anything to work with - but I have always thought and do still think that the HKAI breakup and everything else to do with their relationship comes down to their own dogshit self images.

When Ai tells Kamiki "I can't love you", this is in essence an apology - we know that up until the moment she died, Ai struggled with her ability to authentically express love in the sense that she was terrified she was incapable of doing so. It took having Aqua and Ruby and living with them for years and being on the verge of death for her to even be able to risk saying it and even then she seems awed and relieved that her words were true. When she says those words to Kamiki, she's saying "I can't love you, because I'm broken and I can't love anyone."

Hikaru, very understandably, hears this as "I can't love you because you're broken and nobody can."

Each of them internalizes the blame for the relationship falling apart. Thus, it's possible for Ai to have accidentally ripped his heart out like she did while not compromising his image of her. This sense of losing her, being unworthy of her while still longing after and adoring her is like the perfect cocktail of fucked up brain chemicals to have turned his feelings for her into the present day obsession they seem to be, at least imo.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Chosen Ones, Cursebreakers, Black Sheep turned into Golden Child, you were never the black sheep you were always the Golden child disguised as nothing and now you really have done a lot of inner work on yourself and you think no one noticed but the entire Universe noticed, witnessed and felt the change you made within. You impacted the entire Universe by choosing forgiveness and removing limiting beliefs from your consciousness. Never think your light doesn't matter. Your vibration, your essence, your unique light is so needed otherwise you wouldn't even exist because creation doesn't make mistakes.

But many people you know are not used to meeting someone like you with boundaries and pure authenticity. They are used to people going along with the status quo, they are used to people agreeing with them, getting away with using them, no equal give and take, listening to their drama, their finger pointing, their negative, limiting mindsets, codependency, and they are used to people who have low standards for themselves who do not love themselves and have low self esteem. And those people are all worthy of love and you tried to show them didn't you?

You on the other hand, chosen one, you have high standards for yourself, and you always had the mentality of quality over quantity. But many people lied to you about their true intentions with you and their true character, which was manipulative and you chose to see the best in them regardless of how badly they hurt you, tried to control you, belittle you, downplay your gifts, gaslight you etc. Some of you almost died several times from their abuse. But the Divine saw it all. Heard every conversation said about you and every lie told about you. You thought the Divine forgot just because you forgave them? The forgiveness was for YOU my love, to heal yourself and to know yourself as love, your true self, to shift timelines for your benefit to reach your highest self. On the lower timelines they are still being abusive to another version of you, yes. Please send that version of you all the love and wisdom they need through your heart center. You think the Divine forgot about those versions of you and them abusing you relentlessly without reason?

These people from your past lower dimensions of consciousness had every intention of using you, abusing you and discarding you when they were done with you because they couldn't control you. Yes they may be ignorant, blind to who you are, and unconsciously hurting that version of you. But they don't see the army behind you. You are uncontrollable and untouchable, especially now as you've advanced and ascended and blocked people from accessing you. All they can do is watch you. That is all. They can't hurt you anymore. But, the Divine is furious on your behalf of what they did to you when you were a blessing, a gift sent to help them heal on their own journey. They didn't want your help.

They wanted to ignore healing themselves and abuse you instead because they had false, negative distorted thoughts about you that were all lies sold to them from the ones who seek your downfall and you were a threat to them because they didn't know how to take accountability for their toxic, lower vibrational actions and your light exposed their darkness. See, what they don't know is that you're going to get everything you ever wanted and more. All your dreams are coming true. But they never believed in you and never saw you through a clear lens. Always forgive them, always send them love because they need it the most, if they are projecting onto you and others, especially now.

You are very protected at all times. Always remember, Angels and demons are not the same as humans. They not only work together to bring justice to us but they revel in it. We don't understand how they can destroy lives and bathe in the blood of their enemies. I don't understand it because I come from a realm of unconditional love, compassion and light. Everyone held the same level of compassion as me. In the higher dimensions. So do, pray for your enemies in the lower timelines, they do still exist but they can't touch you because you're too high. Light a candle and pray for them because justice is being served on a silver platter just for you and what they chose to do to a divine one when they refused to heal and treat you with the respect you always deserved. I love you, please hold no more pain from the past you're not going there.

[caesarandthecity]

The Painful Path of Self-Knowledge

Self-knowledge hurts. It breaks you. Turns you inside out. Suddenly, you start seeing the world with different eyes, from a new perspective, in a completely different reality. And this new reality, at first, it hurts. It’s painful. Because it’s not what you want to see, it’s what you need to see. I watched people I loved become the worst versions of themselves, right before my eyes, in the blink of an eye.

Self-knowledge, if you allow it, changes every aspect of your life. And all you need to do is embrace it. Even where you thought there was order, self-knowledge brings chaos, destroys everything, and then rebuilds it all over again, in a solid, authentic way that truly connects with who you are.

Self-knowledge is a dance, an activity, maybe even a hobby. You spend time with it, then step away, only to return and dive deeper. It’s a constant dance. You question everything in your life. Questions and answers arise like a game, and before you know it, superficial issues lead you to dive into something much deeper, something hidden deep in your soul, waiting to be brought to the surface. This journey to bring what’s hidden to the surface is the true "Hero’s Journey." It’s mine, it’s your journey. It comes from deep within the soul, where self-knowledge reveals your true self, your essence, what you really came to be in this world.

And self-knowledge is liberating. Because it gives you such an understanding of yourself that, inevitably, you begin to understand others better. You start noticing energies, feelings, pain, hurt, joy... things that once went unnoticed. It’s not just about seeing, it’s about feeling together. It’s understanding that the emotions someone shows are real and match what they’re expressing, and vice versa. It’s beautiful, but it’s painful. For me, it was devastating because it made me reevaluate all my relationships, and I realized that in all of them, I was being abused.

I had to take action. I had to cut those people out, one by one. Because I learned that where there is abuse, there is no love. Dependence is much more painful than love. I grew up being abused by a family I believed was mine, and I learned that it was never love. It was always abuse. Always. And I had to cut them out, one by one. Along with that, I reevaluated all my friends, my friendships, what I thought was true friendship. And that hurt even more.

I had friends I thought would be forever, friends who were like brothers and sisters, you know? The kind of friends you imagine you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life. But those relationships I had to reassess. And after understanding that I needed to cut them out, I realized I was much happier, complete, and free... alone. I know people are afraid of this. Who wants to reassess a marriage when they know they’re not happy? Who wants to reevaluate their relationship with their parents when they believe they’re perfect, and that they deserve to suffer? Who wants to rethink their job when it gives them status and money, but not happiness? Who wants to face the mirror, knowing they don’t like what they see and do nothing to change it? Who wants to accept their own flaws, their own shadows, bring them to light, work on them, embrace them? Who wants to ask for forgiveness for all they’ve done, and worse, learn to forgive for those apologies that were never received? Who wants to see the lies told right to their face, coming from the ones they love the most?

Self-knowledge is a war you have to fight. But the most interesting thing about this war is that there is only one winner, and that winner is you. In self-knowledge, you don’t lose, nor do you win. You learn. And there’s no other path but to move forward and rise.

A life without self-knowledge is a life not lived. And for those who feel the call, don’t deny it. Just begin the journey.

[aryanamata]

Critique:

The Diary of Anne Frank

writer name: Anne frank

Introduction:

The introduction of "The Diary of Anne Frank" effectively sets the stage by introducing Anne Frank as a young Jewish girl living in hiding during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. It provides necessary background information about the historical context and the significance of Anne's diary as a firsthand account of the Holocaust.

Summary:

The summary of "The Diary of Anne Frank" captures the essence of Anne's experiences and emotions while in hiding. It highlights her struggles, fears, and hopes, as well as the relationships and dynamics within the Secret Annex. The summary effectively conveys the impact of Anne's diary in shedding light on the human experience during the Holocaust.

Evaluation:

The evaluation of "The Diary of Anne Frank" praises the authenticity and rawness of Anne's writing. It recognizes the diary's historical significance in documenting the lives of Jews in hiding and the atrocities committed by the Nazis. The evaluation also acknowledges the universal themes of resilience, hope, and the power of the human spirit portrayed in Anne's narrative.

Conclusion:

The conclusion of "The Diary of Anne Frank" emphasizes the lasting impact of Anne's diary as a testament to the human capacity for survival and the importance of remembering the Holocaust. It highlights the educational value of the diary in educating future generations about the horrors of war and the importance of tolerance and acceptance.

True Narratives

True narratives are accounts of real events or experiences presented in a narrative form. They aim to provide an accurate and factual representation of historical or personal events.

Examples of true narratives include historical accounts, memoirs, biographies, and documentaries.

Testimonies

Testimonies are firsthand accounts or statements given by individuals who have witnessed or experienced a particular event or situation. Testimonies are often used as evidence to support claims or provide insights into historical, social, or personal contexts.

MY UNHAPPY VALENTINE

MARCH 26 2024

Love is kind. Love is patient, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keepd no record of wrong. Love doed not delight in evil not rejoices with the truth. It always protect always hopes, always preserves.

"love never fails". often times we look at a certain point in our lives with regret. as we grow old, our perspective of the world is altered by our own experiences, motives, and maturity. love is one of the most beautiful thing we can discover with in ourselves and give to the world.

Depending on peoples own experiences on love, it gives everyone different kind of emotions. But love can also be destructive and mentally exhausting. Many people have been around negative, unhealthy, toxic behavior and to some extent, tried to normalize it. this environment has started to be normalized how unhealthy it is.

You validate, rationalize and screep issues under the rug because "this is just what happens in relationship" i constantly have aasked my self" have women lowered their standard for a man? how lowered my standard when loving someone?

[my-deepest-desires]

With magnetic charm and timeless elegance, Iris Apfel, a beacon of style and inspiration, bid farewell to this life yesterday at the remarkable age of 102.

A trailblazer for liberated women, she embodied the essence of living authentically, advocating for the pursuit of one’s own unique path with unwavering confidence. Her legacy resonates with the message of embracing individuality, not letting the opinions of others affect you, and reveling in the joy of living life to the fullest, regardless of age and societal expectations.

Known for her vibrant colors and extravagant fabrics, she was a true alternative style fashion diva, reigning as the queen of her own realms with effortless shine and flair.

A few master quotes of Iris Apfel:

“You don’t have to be an artist to be a creator, because creativity comes in a lot of forms, like cooking or keeping a house or dressing well. What you need is imagination, to make things up for yourself.”

“Whatever happened to the cultivation of the inner self? It’s painful and it’s work, but it always pays off.”

“I never expect anything. I just feel things in my gut and I do them. If something sounds exciting and interesting, I do it—and then I worry about it later. Doing new things takes a lot of energy and strength. It’s very tiring to make things happen, to learn how to master a skill, to push fears aside. Most people would rather just go with the flow; it’s much easier. But it’s not very interesting.”

“You don’t have to look like an old fuddy-duddy, but I believe it was Chanel who said, ‘Nothing makes a woman look so old as trying desperately hard to look young’. I think you can be attractive at any age. I think trying to look like a spring chicken when you’re not makes you look ridiculous.”

“I don’t see anything so wrong with a wrinkle, it’s kind of a badge of courage”

“You only have one trip, and the present is all you’ve got. The past isn’t coming back, and the future isn’t here yet! So live each day as though it were your last. And one day you’ll be right.”

So long, Iris Apfel. You have been and remain a huge inspiration. 🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[veraciousverax]

15 reasons why I value myself

1. My taste is unparalleled. I know how to have a good time with each of my senses

2. I love my mind/imagination. I have such genius ideas, stories, ventures and solutions

3. I’m unafraid. I’m willing to try anything, that might be the source of my confidence

4. I’m adaptable and able to talk myself into and be comfortable in many rooms. (It’s up to me to decide to show up)

5. I’m beautiful (it goes a long way)

6. I’m never afraid to be true.

7. I’m good at most things I try/ the learning curve is never steep

8. Another one for my mind bc my curiosity keeps me sane

9. I value my west African Ga/Yoruba heritage. Strong blood = strong spirit

10. My willingness and love for learning is a secret weapon and makes me extra competent by default

Damn.. I can’t believe it let people who don’t deeply care about me torture me and use me as a means to their ends.. fuck em. Auntie K, M and E are on that list.

11. I’m resourceful. My strong will always provides a way. My competence + discernment ensure I get the best out of any experience I choose

12. My intellect speaks for itself. It feels good to know that most people find me smart and witty!

13. I highly value my authenticity. It’s taken a long time to build self-trust + confidence and it’s preciously invaluable.

I remember when I used to cry in the mirror getting ready for school and melt down at the sight of my hair. Or even pine for long hair, or let envious people disrespect me because my very existence brought out their insecurity SMH (Jessica and Abby were the same adversary…)

14. I value my spirit/ the essence that projects my patronum. I value my spiritual trust and awareness.

15. I value my kindness. It comes so naturally to me, because I know how it feels to be cast away, but I generally and genuinely take pleasure in being able to bring light into peoples lives (if they can see me.)

[alexskarsgardnet]

New Interview & Photo Shoot!  Alex photographed by Johan Sandberg and interviewed by Timothy Small for L’Uomo Vogue (October 2020)!

Alexander Skarsgård: the photo shoot and interview for L'Uomo

BY TIMOTHY SMALL, JOHAN SANDBERG 25 SEPTEMBER 2020

Alexander Skarsgård is a really, really nice man. A Swede through and through, Alexander, or Alex, is a very down-to-earth gentleman who could definitely act as more of a big shot, considering he is also one of the most interesting actors in Hollywood right now, a town that, in true Swedish style, he once defined as “kind of silly”. After getting his first big break as the lead in David Simon's excellent Iraq War mini-series for HBO, Generation Kill, Skarsgård exploded in our collective imaginations as Eric Northman in True Blood, while also acting for Lars von Trier in the wonderful Melancholia. 

Since then, he has been a very buff Tarzan in The Legend of Tarzan, a mute bartender in future Berlin in Mute, a very dark killer in Hold the Dark, and a hilarious Canadian Prime Minister in Long Shot, as well as giving an Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning turn in HBO's Big Little Lies. The self-defined “restless” 43-year-old is set to star in The Northman, Robert Eggers's highly anticipated third film, a “Viking revenge story” that Skarsgård himself was crucial in bringing to production – and, by all accounts, it seems like it could have all the right pieces to become a future cult classic. It certainly has that kind of hype.

L'Uomo Vogue:  The Northman is such an interesting project. I know it's important to you. It's also part of a growing resurgence of interest in the Viking era and Norse mythology and that sort of epic Scandinavian adventure. How did it all begin?

Alex:  It all started seven or eight years ago. As a Swede living in America, I realised there was a certain level of fascination with the Viking era and Viking culture – and this was before any of the Viking shows that have since happened. It made me realise that there basically had never been a real great epic Viking movie made, and I thought that that's what I wanted to do.

LV:  So how did the project kick off?

Alex:  I started having conversations with a studio back then, trying to crack the best story. All I knew at the time is that I wanted to make a big Viking movie. We had a couple of potential different starting points: we had a story about two brothers, and then one about the Viking travels down to Constantinople with the Viking siege of the city. We were looking for the right story, but I never really felt we were there. I knew the scope I wanted it to exist in. But what was the story?

LV:  And that's when you met Robert Eggers.

Alex:  Yes, like three or four years ago. We met about something else. I can't remember how, but we started talking about Vikings. And he was, like me, a huge fan of Viking culture and of that historical era, and I immediately felt he would be the perfect guy to direct this movie. And then we found an author and poet in Iceland, Sjón, who came onboard to write the screenplay – and they did a fantastic job, just cracking the story and the essence of it.

LV:  Sounds great.

Alex:  It's a real adventure movie, but it's much more. It taps into the culture, and the mysticism of the Vikings, it becomes more intimate and more personal. I didn't want it to be a generic “swords-and-sandals” movie. Robert is one of the best filmmakers out there. And the whole process is so much more gratifying than when you're quote-unquote “just an actor”. It's been truly extraordinary.

LV:  But then you had to halt production.

Alex:  Yeah. I was in Belfast, Northern Ireland, three months into prep on The Northman about seven days away from principal photography. Just gearing up, you know, getting ready to start a very long, very intense shoot -- a shoot that we were scheduled to wrap in July – and that's when the virus hit.

LV:  What did you do then?

Alex:  I normally live in New York, while my family lives in Stockholm. When the first wave came, I was on the fence: nobody really knew how long it would be, or what precisely was going on. So we shut down production for six weeks. The idea was to then see what would happen. I basically moved to Stockholm for four months.

LV:  How do you feel about this forced break from work?

Alex:  I had not been home for this long in... more than 20 years. It was strange. We were in a bubble; we were all healthy and safe. In a lot of ways, I had moments when I felt being surrounded by my loving family, feeling safe and loved, and taking a break from work, but then also feeling very guilty because I was, for the lack of a better term, being spared.

LV:  In the past, you've described yourself as being a nomad. Did you miss Sweden and the North?

Alex:  I realised how much I have been missing it. I go to Sweden regularly, but usually only for three or four days, maybe a week, tops. My father and two of my brothers are actors, so we're used to never being in the same city. We all travel all over the world. Maybe we'd get back together for Christmas. And I can really say that I had missed spring in Sweden.

LV:  Do you think we will change the way movies are produced?

Alex:  We're going to have to figure out how to shoot movies with dozens of crew members and hundreds of extras while still respecting social distancing rules. It's an unprecedented situation and everyone is scrambling to figure out the best approach. My brother was one of the first people who worked in our industry during the pandemic. He shot a movie in Iceland in the middle of the lockdown. The way they solved it is they split the crew into colour sections. So, hair and make-up had yellow armbands and the camera department had blue, and they had a “Corona appointee” on set who would call out, “Now blue go in!” and then “Blue, out! And yellow, in!” And then they would all do their job in turns. It was very military-like. Productions are already complicated, so we'll just have to add another layer.

LV:  How did you become an ambassador to the Clarks brand?

Alex:  To me, authenticity is very important. I don't want to endorse products I don't genuinely like. That's why I was excited when Clarks reached out. I've been wearing Desert Boots for 25 years. Also, I like to travel a lot. I like to explore new cities by foot. I want to be able to walk around comfortably in a classic, iconic shoe. I travel from movie set to movie set, and I often live out of a suitcase. And this teaches you to be frugal. Whatever fits in that suitcase, that's all I can bring.

LV:  Is that the Swede in you?

Alex:  Maybe. But we consume way too many things in this society. Also, you give things more meaning when you live with them, and when you go on adventures with them. Like, these are my boots. I've been places with them. And when they fall apart, I'll buy a new pair. If you have the right stuff to begin with, you don't need more.

LV:  Going back to The Northman, that really sounds like a dream project.

Alex:  It is. It will be a rollercoaster ride. I can't wait to get back to Northern Ireland and get back to the production. It's also a very physically demanding project, so I have been training for, well, since a few months before production stopped.

LV: In a way, getting into a role, getting on a movie set, acting through it, the whole process of making a movie is a bit like a little adventure. You have to prep, you have to travel, often with people you don't know, and you have to push boundaries.

Alex:  Absolutely! A huge part of the appeal of this profession is you get to travel, and you meet amazing, interesting people from all over. And the uncertainty, you know? What was it, 12 years ago, I was in New York, and I'd never heard of Generation Kill. And then two days later I was on a plane to the Kalahari Desert to be out there for seven months to shoot the series. And I'll never forget the feeling, sitting on that plane, thinking, “Two days ago I didn't even know about this project, and here I am on my way to Southern Africa to spend seven months in the desert with 200 strangers.” It's very exciting.

LV:  What a feeling that must be!

Alex:  And every single job is like that. Every movie is different. Your part, the tone, the energy, the people – it's always different. And for someone like myself, who has that kind of wanderlust, who's always looking on the horizon, it's very attractive to never know just what the next adventure might be.

October 14, 2020:  Updated with the full interview courtesy of our friends at the ASkarsLibrary (x).

Fashion credits:

Photographs by Johan Sandberg Styling by Martin Persson Grooming Karin Westerlund @ Lundlund Hair Amanda Lund @ Lundlund Stylist’s assistant Isabelle Larsson Digital Daniel Lindgren Production Madeleine Mårtensson and Olle Öman @ Lundlund

Read the full interview by Timothy Small and see the photo shoot by Johan Sandberg in the October issue of L'Uomo, on newsstands from September 22nd.

Sources/Thanks:  Interview:  Timothy Small for L’Uomo Vogue (x), Photos:  Johan Sandberg for L’Uomo Vogue (x), artlistparis.com (x) via artlistparisnewyork instagram (x),  luomovogue instagram (x) &  atomomanagement.com (x) via atomomanagement instagram (x), our caps from artlistparisnewyork’s September 23, 2020 insta story (x, x)

[fandumbstuff]

The Star Wars Saga, ranked best to worst.

1. The Empire Strikes Back Directed by Irvin Kershner

Upon close consideration, I’ve come to the shocking conclusion that Empire is the best Star Wars film. There’s a wealth of world-building and character development here that in many ways makes Star Wars the living breathing universe it is now. A richly complex melodrama lies at the heart of Empire, giving a whole new meaning to the term “space opera”. The performances here are some of the strongest in the entire franchise. Mark Hamill not only fleshes out Luke’s character, but in his training with Yoda and his duel with Vader he establishes the profound nature of the force, and how every future character interacts with it. As Han and Leia, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher create authenticity to their characters’ relationship. Often misinterpreted as playfully hostile or sassy, there’s a real and endearing sense of affection between them, particularly in the infamous “I love you”/”I know” line- shedding their previously petty flirtation and affirming their true feelings. The emotional crux of Empire lies not in the most memorable twist, but in the moments immediately following it - In Luke and Leia reaching out to each other, reconnecting a relationship that was lost, rekindling hope in the force after we thought it was lost.

2. A New Hope  Directed by George Lucas

I’ll be the first in line to make fun of dorky George Lucas and his woeful attempts at writing dialogue or romance. However, it’s pretty damn impossible to ignore what he achieved with Star Wars in 1977. The sheer audacity of his vision and his determination in executing it despite the naysaying from producers and supposed friends. Lucas had the bold idea of using cinema for it’s absolute worth- more than just a storytelling medium but a theatrical one. A cacaphony of sight and sound that could draw mass audiences and create a lasting impression. It’s a formula that every Hollywood and Bollywood blockbuster strives and more often than not fails to follow. It’s hard to dissociate A New Hope from the cultural phenomenon it helped create, but when you do, it stands as an impressive film on it’s own. Groundbreaking in terms of it’s visual effects and nostalgic in the simplicity of it’s sci-fi serial story, Star Wars ticked all the right boxes for so many people. If I was to boil Star Wars down to an essence, i think it lies in 2 scenes: Luke looking out at the binary sunset on Tattooine, and Han Solo yahooing after the Falcon saves Luke in the Death Star trenches. Those two scenes, Wistfulness and Exuberance, are the two sides of one concept- Adventure. Star Wars ignited those emotions in every child’s imagination, and it’s a flame that’s likely to never go out. 

3. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story Directed by Gareth Evans

Hard to believe this is a Disney movie. While the house of mouse may have a reputation for emotional gut punches in kids movies, it’s never felt quite so... permanent. Rogue One is an unrelenting emotional journey barelling towards surefire tragedy. We spend moments with characters that seem to be carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. The sense of desperation that permeates the movie almost overpowers any sense of heroism. It’s so unlike anything we’ve seen in a Star Wars movie. Their courage comes from a place that is wholly genuine and believable. We see the rebellion for the despondent group that they are. Sorely outnumbered by the Empire, their actions in this movie show a reckless, darker side to them and makes the morality of Star Wars so much more complex. The first time we meet Cassian Andor- the stand out performace of the film by Diego Luna- we see him kill another rebel to protect their secrets. It’s a movie that reframes the original Star Wars trilogy, making it a richer, complex universe and more intriguing as a result. Also, the last five minutes might be the best five minutes in any Star Wars movie.

4. Return of the Jedi Directed by Richard Marquand

The one sore spot in the original trilogy for me are the Ewoks. I realise it's ridiculous for me to complain about kid-friendly creatures in a kid's movie, but Star Wars has done this a lot more tolerably in the form of Porgs and Baby Yoda. Just something about these furry, Tibetan speaking monsters who somehow have the wherewithal to defeat an elite and well equipped empire rubs me the long way. Anyway, other than that, the movie's pretty fantastic. The culmination of Luke's journey comes to a head in an extremely emotional and effective climax. John Williams score crescendos to operatic heights and Mark Hamill's stellar performance sells Luke’s torment. It’s also worth noting that in those final moments of moral dilemma, Darth Vader is silent- it’s David Prowse’s performance entirely that sells this. His incredible presence throughout the trilogy builds to this moment and you can feel the weight of it in those closeups on Vader. Every other cast member rounds the story out perfectly- from Lando and Han’s playful rapport to Leia’s more militaristic side in planning the rebellions final moves. I still bemoan the fact that they changed the final song- an opinion that I’m apparently a minority on- but it’s a pretty incredible ending altogether and wonderfully cathartic to watch over and over again.

5. The Last Jedi Directed by Rian Johnson

With Last Jedi, Rian Johnson analyzed the universe Star Wars inhabits, and what drives it’s characters. The characters that we love are pushed to their limits, struggle against insurmountable odds and their own innate flaws. And we see all of them fail in turn. It is remarkably bleak, but not without purpose. It is out of this failure that the Resistance needs to recoup and come back stronger. The performances here, are arguably the best you’ll find in the entire franchise. Daisy Ridley has to break down Rey’s naivete and find a deeper sense of self actualization. Adam Driver hands in some of his best work, by swerving the audience into believing Kylo Ren and then creating a desperate plea in THAT throne room scene, and eventually turning him into a snivelling villain, all in the same movie. Mark Hamill’s performance here is heartbreaking- revealing the bleakest version of Luke, and struggling to find his redemption. Last Jedi is a bold deconstuction of these characters, of what they stand for, and what makes Star Wars beautiful.

6. The Force Awakens Directed by J. J. Abrams

In many ways, a safe movie to announce the return of Star Wars. But it’s hard to fault this. Disney’s decision making was shrewd here, bringing on J. J. Abrams to pay homage to George Lucas’ original vision, returning the franchise to it’s roots of practical effects and shooting on film. There was something truly special about experiencing this film in theatres, so much so that I did it eleven times. It captured a sense of wonder for fans new and old- hearing the scream of Tie Fighters, John Williams herald the return of the Millenium Falcon, and the look of awe on Rey’s face as she clutches her destiny in her hand. I’ll be honest, the film loses some of this magic without the shared experience of an audience, and it’s flaws are more noticeable. But being swept up in the excitement of adventure felt so darn good in 2015, and that’s so key to this franchise.

7. Revenge of the Sith Directed by George Lucas

This movie has risen so much in my opinion, entirely due to the animated Clone Wars series. Revenge of the Sith depicts the overwhelming tragedy that frames the original Star Wars. Watching Clone Wars explains explicitly what makes this film so tragic. But it’s more than that- it’s a catastrophic failure on behalf of the Jedi Order. Ignorance and pride allow evil to fester and grow. George Lucas took the simplicity of the moral struggle he established in 1977 and tried to give it depth and complexity with the prequels, and it pays off in Revenge of the Sith. It leads into the original trilogy quite brilliantly, with a promise of hope and resilience.

8. The Phantom Menace Directed by George Lucas

It has not aged well. While the advent of CGI I’m sure felt exciting at the time, and you almost can’t fault George Lucas for his insistence on staying at the forefront of VFX innovation as he has always done, it’s his reliance on so much of it that fails horribly. Like a kid in a candy store, Lucas stuffs the pockets of this film with so many bizarre effects for absolutely no reason. That sea monster scene is one of the worst displays I’ve ever seen and it’s absurd that it sits in a Star Wars film. Add to that the boring political plotline and ridiculous midichlorian dilemma and there’s very little redemptive about this film. However, it does have podracing, and Duel of the Fates, and it’s remarkable how much that salves the wound.

9. The Rise of Skywalker Directed by J. J. Abrams

Alright, well obviously this film has been problematic. However, I’m not about to bemoan the idea that Disney has ruined Star Wars and I have nothing left to live for. So let’s all just calm down. Ultimately J. J. Abrams was faced with the impossible task of wrapping up the Skywalker saga, with very few Skywalkers to work with. I firmly believe this would have been a very different film if Carrie Fisher was around to complete her performance. But left with nothing but the new cast, Abrams is caught between summing up the past while also looking to the future. It forces an awkward plotline with Palpatine- despite Ian McDiarmid's solid performance, the writing here seems wildly derivative of the franchise. There are some truly beautiful scenes, most notably the chemistry that Adam Driver gets to share with Harrison Ford, and Joonas Suotamo’s critically emotional outburst as Chewbacca. Some of the production design and score is so entirely different from the rest of the franchise it's inherently intriguing. But there’s very little here to save some of the poorer choices the film makes: the open plot hole with Finn, the derailing of Rey’s character development, and most crucially, the deeply perturbing culmination of Rey and Kylo’s relationship. The audience literally went “ew”.

10. Solo: A Star Wars Story Directed by Ron Howard

The biggest problem with Solo is that it operates under the presumption that people will be enamoured and invested in it. Not just in one movie, but in an entire series of movies. Solo clearly operates as a setup for further sequels. As a result, many plot lines remain unresolved, and Qi’ra winds up being a completely under-baked character. Her motivations make no sense, and a twist ending that I assume was supposed to be exciting is instead downright confusing. There’s a lot of unnecessary exposition into Han’s past too. As an origin story, I don’t need to know every aspect of Han’s past- especially not cute winks at inane things like “Why’s he called Solo?”. All this being said, The movie features some solid performances- Donald Glover is expectedly phenomenal as Lando, and Alden Ehrenreich excels as Solo, adding some welcome flavour to the character- particularly his friendship with Chewbacca, and a brilliantly executed final scene between him and Woody Harrelson’s Beckett.

11. Attack of the Clones Directed by George Lucas

How in the world this film made it all the way to production and into filming, with no one pulling Lucas aside and saying “Hey George, those kids have no chemistry” is beyond me. And I’m not going to blame Hayden Christensen or Natalie Portman on this one, because the whole damn love story makes no sense. Maybe falling for a dude who admits he murdered women and children isn’t such a great idea? Then there’s the increasingly convoluted political climate set up in Phantom Menace, and the machinations of the dark side that would take the entire Clone Wars series to fully explain. All this being said, Temuera Morrison, Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan MacGregor AND Christopher Lee are all in this movie. And they’re pretty damn fantastic.

12. The Clone Wars Directed by Dave Filoni

It’s inexplicable that Dave Filoni would go on to have a hand in some of the best Star Wars content ever made in Clone Wars, Rebels and the Mandalorian. And yet he got his start in the franchise by putting up this piece of junk. And junk is being a little generous. The humour is so juvenile it’s insulting to even the youngest of audiences it’s intended for. The plotline feels way to thin to warrant a feature film, and if this was in fact intended as a pilot for the TV series, they sure picked to most uninteresting story to pique our interest. Skip the movie, watch the show. 

[ambitionsource]

did you guys ever have voice casts for the characters? like people/singers you think the characters would sound like n all that? if so would you mind sharing them?

This is such an interesting question... admittedly, Es and I hadn’t really thought about it! We especially just think about the actual actors for those who already sing, but we can provide a couple other samples for each person if it intrigues you to know! Let’s see...

FARKLE | Corey actually does sing -- though not often in this version of reality -- but I do believe he has some professional training. We think of this song he’s recorded in particular, which I think is a really good example of how he sounds circa S1 in my head (this song is actually a bop. The YT version cuts out like 20 seconds too early but I found a version on Tumblr last year that was full so now I have it on my phone LMAO let’s go 2015 Corey). Anyway, it’s that pretty stereotypical power tenor vibe. A couple more comparisons I suggest are:

Jonathan Groff -- I think Jonathan Groff is the best comparison I can make. He’s theatrical, he has a pretty impressive range, but he rests pretty comfortably in the natural tenor range. Like he can do Kristoff one minute and King George from Hamilton the next, and I think that is equitable to Farkle’s range. The man key is that he’s a powerful vocalist. I think Farkle’s true center of his voice has a higher resting place than Groff, but it’s close enough. Example track: Bohemian Rhapsody. One of Glee’s best and an amazing display of Groff’s vocal range in one track. Farkle could match this beat for beat, flair for flair.

Chris Colfer -- I think that the flair Chris Colfer brings to a lot of his performances on Glee match well to Farkle’s vocal stylings as well (which is why he’s done a few performances with that version), but to be clear, I think Colfer’s voice is softer / higher than Farkle’s. It’s more about... emotion and inflection here than tone. Example track: Not the Boy Next Door. Farkle did this on the show, so you know we endorse it. This was also the track Esther brought up when I asked for her opinion.

Brendon Urie -- I think that Urie’s range is really akin to Farkle’s. I don’t think Farkle has at all the same kind of flair or inflection that Urie does (and Farkle is obviously more Broadway than radio), but on certain tracks I think it’s pretty cross applicable. Example track: Dying In LA

I’ll continue this under a read more to spare everyone who doesn’t want to read on because clearly this will be lengthy LOL.

RILEY | I have not heard Rowan sing since the thinly attached source material theme song days, so I honestly don’t think of her much as Riley’s voice (though I think she could do it if trained for it). Especially because of all the mains, Riley is one of the ones who is meant to be less trained and unimposing. For me, the most important quality to Riley’s voice is that it’s not overwhelming. It’s beautiful, and leaves an impact when you listen, but it’s never going to be Maya or Zay’s big, brassy vocals. And that’s fine. That’s what makes it unique in the landscape of the show (and why it appeals to Lucas rather than turns him away). A couple more comparisons I suggest are:

Amanda Seyfried -- I admittedly only know Seyfried’s work in the first Mamma Mia film, but she has the right delicate soprano that I envision Riley having. It’s like... a lilting, soft thing that’s enjoyable to listen to but can escalate into strong belting if needed and handle it effectively enough. Example track: Thank You For Music. Literally a perfect track for Riles.

Phillipa Soo -- Another great example of a powerful soprano player. Case in point enough that we’ve had Riley do a Eliza Hamilton song on the show already. Gentle and gorgeous, but sharp and intense when it needs to be. Example track: Burn.

mxmtoon -- First of all, let this be my plug that everyone should listen to mxmtoon. I love her. She has this lovely gentle voice and her instrumentation is so good. Her EP dusk is gorgeous and I cannot recommend it enough. But she is a great non-theater example of what I think Riley’s voice is like. She varies between ukulele and piano, and everything is just really understated and nice. Example track: show and tell.

MAYA | This is easy. I literally don’t have to say like anything. She just is Sab. That’s it. Like Sab is a phenomenal vocalist and she’s brassy and bold and has range and that’s all Maya is. Like literally that’s it LOL. If you need examples, hit her discography, but I’ll specifically highlight “Sue Me,” “Looking At Me,” and “Diamonds Are Forever” aka the Sab songs we’ve had her do on the show.

ZAY | Zay is an interesting one, because I don’t really think he fits any specific category in my head. He kind of defies definition. He definitely has a brassy swing to him that allows him to pull off showstopping numbers (like his Kossal audition with “Ain’t No Way”), but he can pull it back and reshape it to fit breathtaking musical theater renditions (like “Music and the Mirror”) or banging contemporary (think “Consideration” or “Self Control”) in a way that I don’t think Farkle or Maya can. He is the most vocally versatile of the bunch, and that makes his comparisons sort of wide-reaching as well. I’m not really familiar with Amir’s vocal ability outside of rap (so at least we know he can do that), but based purely on what I hear in my imagination, a few comparisons:

Leslie Odom Jr. -- A younger and less polished Odom, to be clear, but this is a big one for me. I think Odom’s vocal strength and range is so impressive, and what really strikes me is how... grounded and resonant his voice is. That’s a big thing for Zay for me -- you never doubt he’ll be able to support his vocals and that they’re strongly rooted. If he ever cracked or ran out of breath, it would be a shock. This is also really tied to Zay because of how much I would kill to see him perform “Wait For It” and how I feel like it’s such a Zay song. But anywho... Example track: Wait For It.

Frank Ocean -- Ocean has such a cool interesting range and does a lot of things with his performances vocally, so that’s why he’s on here in that he also defies definition. I think Zay also considers Ocean a musical inspiration, so it makes sense that he would adopt or emulate some of his style. I feel like he also translates emotion well, which is a key Zay trait too. Example track: Godspeed.

Amber Riley -- Now hear me out here. Obviously, Zay is a baritone and Amber is like a mezzo soprano / alto / what have you, but the reason I’m listing this Glee legend as a comp is because the quality of her performances is so sharp. It’s like, any time Amber performed on the show it was jawdropping. Her vocal runs are insane, the power behind her vocals is awe-inspiring. She captivates you from the first note, and that is why I always think of Zay. That’s how it is when he performs too, especially in moments where he’s trying to sell it (like his Kossal audition). I wouldn’t be giving my authentic comparisons if I didn’t mention this. So there. Example track: And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (I would sell my soul to see Zay perform this. Please. PLEASE. Maybe I’ll crowdsource with Charlie and we’ll both sell our kidneys).

CHARLIE | Speaking of Charlie, he’s an interesting one, too. I honestly didn’t really... have a concept of how he sounded in my head, but then when I learned that Tanner sings, it was not at all whatever was deep in my head. But I love his voice, so I think I kind of ended up reconfiguring my perception of what Charlie sounds like around that revelation and now I’m still kind of trying to figure out exactly what that sounds like in the context of the show. The thing is, though, I think Charlie also doesn’t really know what his style is (LMAO), so it’s okay that we’re experimenting a little bit. Like in S1, the few times he sang, it was all over the place but mainly radio. Then in S2, he did predominantly musical theater duets. And now in S3, we’ve really just gone all over the map (from punk-rock opera with “Superstar” to bubblegum pop with “Party For One”) and there’s a lot of fun in that. Where Charlie will land, I don’t know yet, but I will share with you all Tanner’s only recorded song at this point and you all can start to orient yourselves from there. But a few other ideas to get the ball rolling:

Norbert Leo Butz -- Now here’s the thing... Charlie doesn’t sound like this LOL. The reason I’m including Butz is because I started writing about Jeremy Jordan and his rendition of “If I Didn’t Believe In You” and Jordan’s rendition is truly just so inferior that I realized no, I really don’t think Charlie sounds like Jeremy Jordan. So then I ended up here, and you know what, here’s the thing. I think an older Charlie would sound like Norbert Leo Butz. Like, give him 10 or so years, and this is where he’ll settle. To a degree at least -- I don’t think he’ll ever go quite as brassy or bold as Butz can lean sometimes, but the way he like... emotes through his vocals feels extremely Charlie, and the range is about right in terms of voice part. Anyway, give him 10 years, and then get to the point with this amazing example track that is one of my favorite musical theater tracks ever even though I hate the character who sings it. Example track: If I Didn’t Believe In You.

Oshima Brothers -- The shape of the O bros vocals don’t quite match how I hear Charlie in my head (they’re a bit too flat), but the essence of their performances resonate with him very strongly. It’s that gentle, soft-spoken acoustic vibe that I think is so core to Charlie’s performing delivery, which is part of why he’s so consistently overlooked even when he proves time and time again that he can bring compelling vocals (i.e. Haverford’s semi-finals setlist). Example track: Cadence.

Harry Styles -- It’s funny to think that if Charlie saw I was comparing him to Harry Styles he would lose his shit, but I want to be very specific about why and under what conditions I’m including him as a comparison (as he’ll show up on another person’s list too). I think Styles specifically works as a comp for Charlie in regards to the general tone and quality of his voice, in particular when it is on a softer acoustic (like “Cherry” or “Sweet Creature”) and when it’s more upbeat (like “Lights Up”). Like I’m not out here being like Charlie is as good as Harry Styles LOL, but I think the core qualities of their voices are similar. Especially when cross-compared with the other examples above along with Tanner’s actual voice. Example track: Sweet Creature.

ISADORA | Isadora is an anomaly of sorts, since she’s that character archetype where they never expected to be a singer but then ended up being talented anyway (Asher is in the same box). I tend to imagine her with a defined alto register, and a slightly huskier, gravelly tone as compared to Maya’s polished, trained vocals and Riley’s gentle, chime-like resonance. So it’s like... gritty, in a way? I have never heard Ceci sing, though I’ve been told she has once upon a time, but I am working basically from scratch in regards to how I imagine her. So without further ado, some comparisons I suggest:

Jorja Smith -- I think Jorja is the most Isa-like track we’ve had her do on the show thus far, to my brain at least. She has this charming edge to her vocals even when they’re on the softer side which is exactly what I envision for her, and I think there’s such a strong definition to when she jumps into her lower register. Whereas with Isa, I think it would be the same, but reaching into her upper notes would be even more of an audible stretch. Example track: Don’t Watch Me Cry.

Dua Lipa -- Another strong alto here, which automatically tracks Isadora for me. Dua especially has that husky quality I was describing. I would recommend all of her Live Acoustic EP to get a sense of what I’m highlighting most as a comparable, but it’s just that like... slight grit, gonna-kick-your-ass alto excellence. It’s so hard to articulate so I hope you get what I’m saying LOL. Example track: Tears Dry On Their Own Acoustic.

Madison Reyes -- I don’t know how many of y’all have watched Julie and the Phantoms yet, but it’s fun. And Madison has a great voice, which made her another good comp for Isadora. Same thing of like that unpolished but compelling belter, slightly gravelly quality. Example track: Wake Up.

LUCAS | Obviously, Lucas doesn’t sing all that often. And when we do give him songs, or roles in songs, most of the time it’s of a variation where he can more talk-sing the words than actually Sing. But he’s not totally exempt, so he deserves a comparison. For me, it’s like... the way Lucas would tell it it’s like he’s the worst singer ever in the history of the universe and you should never hear him, but honestly he’s like. Fine. He’s not great and he would never have gotten into the school for singing, but he’s not terrible. He’s passable. When he tries, it’s charming. I think the biggest key that makes him different from everyone else is he doesn’t have much of a range -- when I pick songs for him, I always try to go for ones that kind of stay within the same octave or register for the entirety so it’s almost like monotone singing, because that’s about what he can handle decently (his performance in 211 being an exception, of course, because it had to be). So, comparing accordingly:

Harry Styles -- I warned you he’d be back again, but this criteria is even more hyper-specific than Charlie. I think Styles is a great comp for Lucas in the very limited tracks where he is not showing off in any capacity and is really just keeping it stripped down and to the point (think “To Be So Lonely”). His cover of “Girl Crush” is another good example of what I mean. It’s basically like the same 4 or 5 notes and very little movement or flash, and his voice kind of takes on a grittier, flatter quality which is what I’m aiming for. Example track: From the Dining Table

That’s really it honestly. He doesn’t perform enough to warrant much else. You get the idea lmao.

ASHER | Although we didn’t expect it back in the days of S1, Asher has certainly jumped up to take spotlight in terms of performing in the last couple of seasons! Ricky (along with Liam) are actual singers and were together in a band for several years, so there’s no doubt they can sing and I think of their voices most often (in particular, I recommend the “Compass” music video, because it’s a good song and allows you to actively see which boy is singing what). But admittedly, Ricky’s handful of solo tracks since FIYM went on hiatus are average at best (and his lyricism... king you need Liam to write your lyrics LMAO), so I don’t usually jump to his music as examples of what I think he -- or Asher -- is actually capable of. So with Ricky’s good vocals as a base, here are some additional comparisons:

Ruel -- Cannot stress this one enough. There’s a reason Asher’s true initial debut was Ruel’s best track (”Younger”). He just has that perfect like... strong tenor with soft edges that feels very teenage twink and very Asher. It’s not quite Diva!Asher flair, but at Asher’s most base vocal style, I think Ruel is the perfect match. Example track: Down For You

Troye Sivan -- Same kind of traits here in terms of like smooth tenor, and in this case it actually is a certified twink singing so the crossover is even more apt. I don’t think Asher is as... electronic as Troye’s production often is, but the general range of his voice is close enough to be considered a match. Example track: 10/10

DYLAN | So same FIYM video shared in Asher’s applies here as well, but I think what works so well about Liam’s voice in regards to Dylan is that I think the key trait to Dylan is that he’s not flashy. When I think about Liam’s voice (and I love his voice, he’s my favorite FIYM member), I often think about when Sue on Glee called Quinn’s voice a “soft, forgettable alto,” but only it’s a tenor and I mean it in a nice way. The most endeared way. Dylan is less about being impressive and more about just like... character. His voice is not the best in the bunch but you can feel how him all of his performances are through his inflections and his energy. That’s what Dylan vocally feels like to me. So aside from his soft, forgettable tenor on the second verse of “Compass,” here’s a couple other niche comparisons for Dyl Pickle:

Princeton in Avenue Q -- Whenever “Purpose” comes on shuffle, I think about Dylan because of how distinct and energetic the delivery of the song is. There’s just so many little quirks and inflections and moments of fun within the vocals, and that reminds me so much of how Dylan performs. Little laughs, free-wheeling runs, stuff like that. Example track: Purpose.

Graham Verchere -- This dude like isn’t even actually a singer and he isn’t that big an actor, but I love love love his rendition of “Thirteen” with Grace VanderWaal and every time I listen to it I think about Dylan and Asher. It captures the other end of Dylan’s range for me (the soft, forgettable tenor thing) in the sense of like... imagining Dylan plucking out songs for fun on his guitar while hanging out with Asher and then playfully serenading him and the two of them doing a carefree, easy duet like this. I just love it. So I’ll include it. Example track: Thirteen.

[suddenlysackler]

Afterglow (Nice to Meet You Series)

Charlie Barber x Reader

Nice to Meet You: a series of one shots based off of this post. Previous installments can be found here:

Adam Sackler

TW: Lil bit of angst and cynicism at the beginning, mentions of divorce, breakups, anxiety, depression, mention of alcohol consumption

A/N: This is my first piece that I’ve posted in awhile, I’m so sorry for the content drought! This series is kind of sporadic atm (kind of a result of life) but I miss you all so very much. Here’s to a normal content schedule some day 💓 Thank you for reading!

...

Timing always tends to be a funny thing, you supposed.

You weren’t sure if you were an “everything happens for a reason” sort of person person, a person who believed in fate. Who believed in soulmates. You used to be that way six years ago, before the reality of life and relationships and loss and grief and disappointment and all of the wonderful bad things had gotten to you. Had snatched up who you were, chewed that essence up, and spit it right back out. 

So here you were, one year removed from when everything essentially blew up in your face, leaving you to rebuild.

And here Charlie was, coming off one of the worst years of his life, knowing almost exactly how you felt.

The cynic in you is saying that it’s just too cliché, the two of you being so broken and finding each other like this. 

The small voice in the back of your mind that’s still clinging to the dreamer you once were? It’s telling you that the two of you were meant to find each other and, yeah, you roll your eyes every time the thought crosses your mind. However, with each passing day, you become more and more convinced that it was true.

How embarrassing. 

It’s one of those rare September days that happen before the seasons change, when it feels more like mid October than the last few days of summer. Your cheeks are burning from the wind that whips your hair everywhere, a pleasant cold that you’d longed for over the summer months. The hot coffee in your hand threatens to spill from it’s cup and you take tentative sips when you absolutely have to stop at crosswalks and wait for cars to go by before darting out again.

Naturally, you were running late to the Saturday morning meeting of people on the New York theater scene planning for what the industry calls red bucket season. In the aftermath of all of the loss and grief and spiraling thoughts last fall you had finally said yes to the constant begging of your coworkers in the marketing department at Schubert and started to become more heavily involved with Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids. The overwhelming joy that came with the annual Flea Market in the Schubert Ally last September had given you hope to last all the way through to red bucket season, which carried you into the spring and helped you to feel like you were doing something productive with your time other than sleep, eat, work, and cry.

You’d met people from different companies in the theater world, met so many lovely actors and musicians and dressers and heads of house and developed a net to busy yourself, to affirm your sense of self worth, to get a drink with on a Sunday afternoon when the ghost light was finally turned on after the matinee crowd had finally cleared the stage door and the last member of the orchestra had said goodnight.

Taking a deep breath and glancing at your watch only to see that you were fifteen minutes late, you swallow and push your way through the doors, cheeks heating up even more if at all possible. There isn’t anyone you know staring back at you when all twenty something people turn to see who had arrived late and interrupted the meeting’s organizer. You cringe internally as you call out a simple apology and slip into the first vacant seat that catches your eye.

Enter Charlie Barber.

His head whipped back when everyone else’s had. He had looked you up and down, tried to see if you were anyone he knew like everyone else in the room. He couldn’t see you, didn’t really see you until you plopped down next to him, wind blown and flustered and absolutely breathtaking. 

Post divorce finalization, Charlie had decided that he wasn’t going to go looking for someone else. He didn’t need someone to come in and pick up all the pieces or any of that bullshit. He wasn’t looking for a savior to fix it all —grief was something to handle on your own in his eyes. 

As you lean over and whisper another apology to him specifically, as if you had inconvenienced him personally by sweeping into the room late and choosing to sit next to him and draw attention to him too, Charlie feels like he’s been hit by a truck. The simple apology rings like a crescendo through his head and chest and he feels it in his bones. He rushes out his acknowledgement, tells you it’s okay, but he feels like his mouth has turned into molasses.  

About halfway through the presentation, he leans over and nudges you, pointing out a typo in the slide presentation. It’s a bold move, all things considered — you did know the woman running the meeting, she was your boss and someone you considered to be a close acquaintance. You’d mentioned as much when Charlie had turned to you during some dumb partner exercise she had made you all do to get to know each other.

The stifled laughter that bubbles past your lips rivals any top forty hit that played in the background when Charlie got his coffee that morning, much earlier than you, in the coffee shop three blocks from the auditorium you were now sitting in. Suddenly, he finds himself obsessing over how it would sound uninhibited by the social circumstances. He wants to make you laugh over and over again. 

It’s chance that the two of you are assigned to help run the first red bucket training session of the season before the first performance of a long running musical that you had never seen nor cared to have seen three days later. It’s close to dinner time and you’ve had a long day at the office. Charlie’s had a long day too, a long few days thinking about when he’d see you again. How well the two of you had gotten on, how your hands had brushed over each other at the stupid little food spread during your break on Saturday. 

He thinks about what he should wear, what you’d be wearing, if you’d want to run across the street afterwards and split a pie at the local pizza joint that all of the tourists frequented before shows, wanting to get an “authentic” slice but not wanting to stray to far from the familiarity of the theater district and Times Square in all of it’s grubby, overrated glory.

Charlie doesn’t assume he’d even crossed your mind since you parted ways Saturday. He figures you’re busy, that you aren’t looking for anything because you’re just fine on your own or maybe you’re with somebody else. He doesn’t chance snooping on your social media to break the lovely reverie dancing in his head as he falls asleep Saturday, Sunday, and Monday evening. The one where he gets to start over, gets to start a relationship that’s based in equal footing and rationality rather than fear and chaotic emotions and limelight. 

Little does he know that you’ve been thinking about him too, your mind reeling with the same possibilities for yourself. It scared you more than anything that you’d even begun to entertain those types of thoughts.

You knew he’d just come off of an ugly divorce. Hell, you knew who he was when you had plopped down next to him and caught a glimpse of his furrowed brow and broad shouldered stature. You hadn’t expected someone as busy as him, as important as him to be here with the rest of you, all minor players in the theater world for the most part. You certainly hadn’t expected to enjoy your time with him and dance almost the whole way home because you were so excited that you’d been given the opportunity to see him again. 

Was it worth asking him to hang out after the meeting? Would he laugh in your face? Turn you down politely and tell you he’d see you at your next assigned training session? Would he ignore it and walk out to meet someone else and kiss them under the lights of the marquees? 

You spent the whole meeting wondering how you would ask him, if you would even ask him. You worked on autopilot, completely preoccupied with stealing glances across the room at Charlie, joking with Charlie during breaks, brushing Charlie’s hand when you passed him paper...Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

“Nice work tonight.” A baritone voice pulls you from your thoughts and you glance up to see the man himself, eyes crinkled at the edges as he smiles down at you while the cast filters back stage.

You start to clean things up, trying to busy yourself so you don’t put your foot in your mouth. “You too, Charlie.” You hum, mentally kicking yourself because wow were you lame. You could have said anything else and you just echoed his words instead? Your chances were slipping right through your fingers.

He picks at lint on his sweater that isn’t even there, kicks some invisible object as he watches you. “How come I’ve never seen you around before last weekend? Charlotte told me you’ve been with Schubert for awhile now and both of my shows have been in Schubert buildings. So’s my third.”

“You were talking to Charlotte about me?” You ask, head snapping up with a shit eating grin. He was talking about you with other people?

Charlie’s cheeks go bright red and his hand comes up to rub the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his. He stumbles over his words, tries to come up with any other explanation to hide the truth of why he had asked Charlotte about you. Before he could say anything else, you swallow your nerves, then stand up straighter. 

“Because maybe I’ve been talking to her about you.” You shrug — you hadn’t really. Hell, you don’t even know why the words came out of your mouth. 

His eyes sparkle a bit as he tilts his head. “Maybe?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

The man standing across from you grabs an armful of infographics and slips them into the box that was meant to go to the head of house, to have on hand for people interested in donating. “Charlotte mentioned you liked pizza.” He says and, of course, it couldn’t have been true, you didn’t know Charlotte that well, but you appreciated the effort.

You smile and take a step forward, looking him up and down shyly. “Maybe I do.”

Charlie snorts, rolls his eyes, then nudges you playfully for good measure as he prays that he’s reading the room correctly. “Well maybe you’d want to get some with me?”

You half hear the question. He’s so handsome and you wonder if he knows it. If he knows he’s had you weak at the knees since the minute you’d made eye contact with him Saturday. “Maybe I’d like that.” You say, eyes round and full of wonder.

He smiles, putting his hands in his pockets. “It’s a date then.”

“You want to call it a date?” Butterflies are now running rampant in your stomach.

“Maybe.”

You’re both grinning from ear to ear now, faces hot and hands sweaty and shaking. “If you’re calling it a date, then yeah. I’d like that a lot.”

So Charlie takes you across the street and you each eat half a pizza, laughing over cheap wine and talking about how snooty actors could be. How demanding the stage door was. Your respective backgrounds in theater, his early success, your acceptance of the fact that you wouldn’t make it big and it was better to just settle into marketing and still be in the industry. Job security and such. 

He takes your hand outside of the restaurant as you lead him toward the local bakery that sells cookies fresh from the oven.

You intertwine your fingers with his while you stand in line for hot chocolate as dusk turns to night in Central Park.

He kisses you after wiping a bit of chocolate from the corner of your mouth on the Brooklyn bound A train a half hour later. And again on your stoop when you finally arrive home. 

He kisses you another time after he gives you his number and then once more when he realizes he’s only a ten minute walk from your apartment.

After heading upstairs, showering, doing some dirty dishes, and then plopping onto your bed, you smile when you see three texts from Charlie on your phone’s lock screen. Was it cliché to say that he had swooped in and fixed everything? Yeah and he didn’t fix anything really. He’d kissed you a few times and held your hand, sure, and he seemed like he wanted more. You wanted more too, but that didn’t mean that you were healed.

All you did know was that the hopeless romantic in you was louder than they had been for the better part of two years and you couldn’t stop smiling and wondering if it was coincidence that you had plopped down next to Charlie Barber during the meeting. Was it coincidence that the barista had taken longer with your latte that morning or was it fate telling you to take a deep breath and hold on tight because in a matter of minutes, you’d be meeting someone special.

[onestowatch]

Summer Salt Aims to Find the Silver Lining on ‘Sequoia Moon’ [Q&A]

Photo: Andrew Reiner

After two canceled tours, a year-and-a-half of waiting for the world to open back up, and months of releasing a series of summery and strong singles, Summer Salt has finally released their second full-length album, Sequoia Moon. Fans old and new have been waiting patiently for the twelve-track record to inject some tropic vibes into their daily listening diets, and Austin-based duo, comprised of vocalist and guitarist Matthew Terry and drummer Eugene Chung, have certainly delivered the goods just in time.

Ones To Watch had the opportunity to chat with Terry and Chung about the album and to discuss its themes of finding your people and your way back home and what's next for the band.

Ones To Watch: So far, y'all have released a series of really amazing singles leading up to the release of your sophomore album Sequoia Moon. Which one have y'all been most proud of?

Eugene: I think for me, and this might be different from Matt's answer, but I think "Monday's Facil" is my personal favorite just because it was the first one of the bunch. It was the first one we recorded as well when we started working on the record. Also, we did the video ourselves, and, I don't know, there's something kind of nostalgic about that.

It feels like all of Summer Salt's music videos have a solid identity tied together by the band's easy-going and authentic energy. What is your creative process like when it comes to coming up with visuals for your songs?

Matt: We try to make a little bit of a mood board and exchange ideas with each other. Eugene and I will text a lot of our random thoughts that we have that we think will be cool for certain videos and try to recreate what we feel like we see when we think about our videos. "Monday's Facil" is the only one we've directed ourselves.

Eugene: Yeah, sometimes we'll always bring up ideas, and we love everything we have, but sometimes our original ideas don't get shown or don't come across the way that we intended, which is totally fine because I think there's magic in that.

Matt: Yeah, sometimes things take a different direction. I feel like for "Fire Flower," we wanted it to be very story-oriented. We always try to start with a story, but then it just ends up becoming more vibey because the story just gets kinda lost in translation. So in the video for "Fire Flower," we wanted to be like, okay, we're getting ready to go to like a New Year's dance, and we're going to be the band that plays the show at the New Year's dance. And so that's what we wanted to do, and then afterward, we were gonna go shoot off fireworks, but then it kind of became, you know, it took on a life of its own, and we were kind of just having fun. We found that with the videos, because Eugene and I are both a bit camera shy, having a story opens us up more, and we can have more fun with it.

That makes sense! The opportunity to play a character puts less pressure on you in a way.

Matt: Exactly! When you have to do something that's so you, you end up overanalyzing the parts you may be self-conscious about and worry about how you come off on camera. I think that's how a lot of actors are.

A personal favorite music video for the singles y’all have released so far has to be "Hocus Pocus." Where did y'all shoot it and tell me about that day?

Eugene: Yeah, that one has to be my favorites so far too.

Matt: Same here!

Eugene: Yeah, fun location, fun story. We shot most of it around Crescent City, California, in the Redwoods and Jedediah National Forest. It's the same place they shot Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.

It did look extremely familiar now that you mention it!

Matt: Haha yeah, we've been getting that a lot from people. I really loved that video because we got to play these big characters, which is something we hadn't done before in past videos, which is really cool.

From the songs that haven't been released yet on the album, which one are you most excited for people to hear?

Matt: I think people will really like "Neptune," but I'm especially excited for people to hear "Trouble In Paradise."

Eugene: For me, I'd have to say "Lewa Lani."

Sequoia Moon takes the listener on a beautifully vulnerable sonic journey, and it feels like although there's evident influence from your previous work on it, yet the record also feels like it's a chapter full of growth for Summer Salt. How would you describe this "era" for you guys? What does this album mean to you?

Matt: I would say that this era of the band, I think is just more of us being able to be more honest. I think the more and more we've kind of gone from our first releases to just writing, to releasing EPs and then Happy Camper, and then now it's like, it just kind of coincides with just growing and then like being true to ourselves. I feel like when we were writing Happy Camper and Driving To Hawaii, I don't know why, but I've always felt like it was just us wanting to write about fantasy and real-life things were never mentioned, and we kept things kind of playful and light. I think it's just been so much more of an emotional and genuine relief to write very real and honest things. I think that definitely has been where we've been recently in our writing, and I feel like that has progressed in this album.

So it's safe to say that you've learned more about what kind of artists y'all want to evolve into while working on this album?

Matt: Absolutely.

Like many pieces of work that are coming out right now, this album was recorded during the pandemic. What was that experience like for you guys? Did you have to tweak your creative process, or did things end up staying relatively the same?

Eugene: I mean, I think for me, and maybe for Matt too... I mean, we've always worked well together, so that's never been a problem, but just being more open to more ideas or different sounds. Communication goes a long way.

Matt: Yeah, to kind of go back to the last question and to answer this question too, one thing I try to remind myself is, like, when I write a song, and perhaps Eugene, you've had the same experience, and you're inspired by another artist, that you're like, "Well, I want to write a song like that thing. How did they do that? How do they come up with such like a cool transitional hook?" I ask myself all the time how did they come up with something that's so lucid and kind of dreamy, but then also keep it very pop sounding. I wonder about these kinds of aspects of songwriting that are really neat and seem very crafty. However, I learned that when I overthink how to do those things the way they did it, it's almost like I'm trying too much to be perfect, then the song kind of loses the essence and coolness. When you take that thought process away, it just naturally becomes you being you and the song becomes more naturally beautiful that way. It's so hard at times to take yourself out of that when you're stuck on a song because you just want it to be perfect.

Eugene: Yeah. It's hard to replicate stuff, and I think things kind of coming naturally is always the best way for us. I think better songs just happen when you sort of step out of that place. Also, working from a distance virtually was super easy for us because both of us are such homebodies. So it was easy for us to share ideas and come together over the pandemic.

What does the name Sequoia Moon mean to you? 

Matt: I went to the Bay Area for a while, like a long time ago, and then went to the Redwood Forest for the first time, and I just came back and wanted to write some songs about it. Like three of those songs, "Two Of A Kind," "Sequoia Moon," and then "Lewa Lani," other than those three, they're all kind of relatively new, but those three were I wrote from back then. So like I said, one of those songs was called "Sequoia Moon," and I thought that that was a beautiful name. So Eugene and I went on this name quest to try to figure out what to call the record, so we searched through all of our lyrics several times because we just wanted to, for the first time to pick something that wasn't like a track name. So we were trying to find something we did like and finally just accepted defeat and went back to our original idea and just do Sequoia Moon and accept that. We just ended up really liking it and thinking that it was a really pretty name.

Eugene: Personally, the name fit for me not just because of the few songs that Matt wrote before writing the rest of them and being inspired by that area, but I think, for all the songs, there's kind of a deeper meaning between Matt and me and that time in our lives.

Matt: You know, I feel like all of the songs are about finding this kind of duality of sadness and beauty. Life is a rollercoaster of happiness and sadness, and you're just trying to find this silver lining and beauty in all of it. And so I feel like that name just kind of sounds a little lonely. Sounds a little bad or bittersweet, but it also sounds beautiful.

Outside of the natural beauty of the Pacific Northwest, what else inspires you as creators and inspired this body of work?

Eugene: I think relationships both new and old. Growing. 

Matt: Yeah, like thinking about your interpersonal relationship with people and what they mean to you in your life. I think that that's a very inspirational thing. When I was writing some of these lyrics, I was just becoming very close friends with Eugene, and my girlfriend and I just began dating. I started writing these songs three years ago, and so just finding those people that are just the kind of people who can pull you out of any funk that you have or be there for you through your best and worst time, that's an inspiration. I think lots of songs we have, like "Patch Your Jacket," "Clover," "Hocus Pocus," "Two Of A Kind," "Colors Of Your Love," they're all just about people being there for you and saying, "It's cool, dude. I got you."

Now that touring is back up and running, are there some cities that y'all are excited to revisit or visit for the first time this summer when y'all hit the road?

Eugene: Yeah, we're super excited to tour. We have a mini-tour this summer, and then we actually have a longer one starting in September.

Matt: Yeah, I'm excited to play in San Francisco. We've also never been to Miami, so that'll be cool.

Eugene: Yeah, it's weird we've never been there, but it'll be cool.

Matt: Oh, and Santa Fe! It's gorgeous there, and we've never been there. So those three cities for sure!

Sequoia Moon is available everywhere you can stream it. 

[setabane]

The Beauty of Queer Intimacy and Love: The Dynamics of Femme Women loving Women (WLW) Relationships

This captivating series maneuvers around the beauty of everyday queer life and the documentation of queer love (platonic, romantic and of-self). A dialogue that contains a cinematography-focused visual aesthetic on tender and gentle moments with main inspirations from Clifford Prince King, Ryan McGinley and Ryan Pfluger.

Words: Cassim Cassim

There is a heavy stigmatism behind the word femme in its essence, especially when you coalesce and meld it with being queer. There is a shift in conflict whenever you are a queer femme identifying person, a shift that diverts hate and prejudice from the cis hetero community to the queer community. In the gay community, there is creation of internalized homophobia, which is known as femphobia, femme presenting queer men have been historically ostracized and ridiculed for presenting too girly or too feminine. Whereas in the lesbian community, there is an ambiguous reaction and opinion towards femme presenting queer women. There is a heavy dig into the existence of queer women, especially queer femme women who love other women.

Queer femme women must face a challenge amongst the heterosexual agenda and feeding into an idea that they must feed themselves into compulsory and performative ‘bisexuality’ all to praise the needs of men. Usually, women who are in femme relationships fall prey to this cage of men belittling their relationships by sexualizing them and praising their union because it is “sexy”, but God forbid a relationship between a butch queer woman and a femme queer woman, sensuality between them becomes “sick” and “cruel”. It widens the range of behavior considered acceptable from men in heterosexual intercourse, behavior which reiteratively strips women of their autonomy, dignity, and sexual potential, including the potential of loving and being loved by women in mutuality and integrity.

Femme to femme relationships in women are part of the forefront yet have never been seen as a redefinition of a generational idea of what queer love looks like. Without denigrating the idea that a wlw queer relationship is between butch and femme, it assumably feeds into the base idea that it belongs into a system of gender, the man and the woman, the provider and the receiver, simply because both expressions are dichotomic. It is rather cathartic knowing that now we don’t have a prominent base idea of what a queer relationship looks like or should look like, and that’s what makes queer relationships unique and splendiferous. This last article in the last series is to highlight the beauty of queer relationships, in all forms, and the subversion of the patriarchy by painting a soft and delegate form of femininity and queer intimacy between 2 femme women. SETABANE had an interview with 2 queer femme presenting woman discussing their idea of intimacy between women and their experiences with love and intimacy.

1. What is your definition of intimacy?

(J) My definition of intimacy is where me and my partner are together and we’re both tapping into each other’s emotional and mental inclination/state. It could be through just a casual conversation maybe about how your day really was or a deep conversation about the things you want for yourself or for the both of us. Allowing your partner to get in touch with your emotional being is the most intimate you can ever be with him/her (in my opinion). With physical intimacy, it’s more to do with being so comfortable with each other’s presence, their touch, having a good time and not involving sex. The latter on the other hand isn’t my way of showing intimacy.  

(C) Intimacy to me is defined as the complete acceptance of oneself and of other people. It’s being comfortable in my body and my spirit to share a bond with most importantly myself and then another person.

2. What is your idea of romanticism?  

(J) It’s definitely doing something, could be small or big, for my partner and not expecting anything in return, just making my partner feel so special. I could be doing whatever it is I’m doing out of love or admiration or for the fun of it. It also keeps the relationship alive, just little surprises here and there. Affirming your partner all the time counts too, as well as giving them your time, doing things out of the ordinary, basically being spontaneous.  

(C) Being aware of my own wants and needs and/or as well as my partners. Words or actions based off this form the base of the romantic aspect in any relationship.

3. What’s one thing you love about being queer?  

(J) I’d like to think it’s how I learn something all the time about being queer and the queer community. There’s so much to being queer that it just blows my mind sometimes. Anything thing is the support that comes from the queer community. It’s so overwhelming in a good way. It’s just incredible to see it and feel it.  

(C) The ability to be my most authentic self. The community as well. There is an abundance of love and generosity. We all share a commonality yet embrace individualism to the fullest.

4. Is queer expression important to you?  

(J) For me, I really do not think too much about how I express myself physically that is. I absolutely adore when queer people express themselves wholeheartedly that’s for sure, but for me, it never really wasn’t that important.

(C) Queer expression is vital. Without it, embracing one's true self cannot happen. Being queer takes up a portion of who the person is, if it cannot be tapped into and explored by physical means, it is left untouched and dormant.

5. Do you feel prejudice/discrimination as a queer woman in Botswana?  

(J) I personally haven’t really experienced/received that kind of energy from people, so I don’t think so. But for my fellow queer people, I’d like to think some have, especially trans, gay and bisexual men. They have it the hardest and it’s hard to witness that.  

(C) I have personally not experienced it

6. Do you believe in queer platonic love?  

(J) Yeah, absolutely.  

(C) Absolutely. Again, it’s the community. Friends come to be from sharing experiences and opinions, while accepting each other regardless of any differences. I don’t see why that cannot be for queer friendships. It can be one of the greatest friendships to ever have as a queer person.

7. What’s one advice you’d give to someone reading this?

(J) Don’t live up to people’s expectations of you. Live up to your expectations of you. Don’t be concerned about what other people think of you. Don’t focus on trying to prove to people your validation. And be kind, always. We live in such a cruel world and you can make it better by just being kind to the people around you.

(C) Study yourself. Expand your mind. Have some substance. We live in a world where distractions occupy our lives. But we weren’t put on this planet to become machines. Don’t lose your humanity, it’s the most beautiful thing you own. CREDITS:

PHOTOGRAPHY : @wenz_hd

EDITOR: @cxsside

MODELS: @jdee_ridge and @clarisapriyanka

[adamgeorgiou]

Arthur, My Cousin and Me

I don’t know how to detangle Arthur from myself enough to write dispassionately or accurately. Instead, what follows is something like half him, half me. It’s more journal entry than elegy. To a general audience, that might make this less interesting than it otherwise could be, but it’s what I’ve got. Remember this if and when you get to the end. 

Anyway…

I feel like I knew Arthur. Then I heard what others had to say and saw what others had to feel. Following his death, I still feel like I know him. In certain ways better than most or all. But there’s a part of me that’s often strained to believe that I was in more of his inner circle than I actually was, and his death exposed the truth of my position.

It’s a practical observation, not a dramatic one. I’m not saying he had a dominating and hidden alter ego or that he pitied me. It’s simpler: his death revealed my confidence in our bond as an illusion innocuously leftover from being kids together, from back when we actually spent serious time together. I want him back now like I’ve continuously wanted back what we lost long ago, but now it’s double-permanent and legible. Before it was remediable and blissfully hidden — embarrassing in hindsight, like most nostalgia. 

But he also had that same nostalgia and held onto it, too, which makes me feel better. That mutual thread to our shared past was strong for both of us. It gave us a lot to lean on, but we leaned on it a little too heavily. Without that crutch, our adult lives were mostly opaque to one another, but also we were getting close again, involving each other again. Building anew. The left hook following the right. It’s a shame we weren’t closer than we were, when he died. It’s a shame our getting closer was cut short. 

I guess it makes sense, generally: as adults, we’re all doing niche things, and niches are small and excluding, so everything else trends towards becomes small talk. (And that’s fine and right, because focus is necessary for growth. Just try and stay loyal, which Arthur did and my cousins do.)

Maybe it wasn’t so much that I was uniquely outside of Arthur’s confidence, but more that we had both (or all) grown a bit into our own isolation. In any case, I mourn the loss and its new finality.

So that’s him and I as adults, apart. Who was he, though? What can I tell you?

Well, I’ll briefly start with me, for context. Who I am is still him, the result of his influence, for sure. Of growing with, then adjacent to him, then apart, then converging again (more on the converging, later). If you distilled me down and got rid of all the litter and trivia, the rare and potent stuff remaining would be similar to what I knew of Arthur. We had the same essence, as I saw it. So I can show you that reflection, and you can tell me if it’s accurate (See: first paragraph’s disclaimer). (Also, note my calling out our similarity is carefully placed right before I go on to flatter him best I can — tactics, baby — but don’t read my ego into this. What follows is all my cousin.)

Arthur and confidence. Old saying: the pro fails more often than the amateur tries.

The subtleties of his personality were sophisticated and complicated. He could spar at an exceptional level from an early age. But he started out lazy and overthrowing a lot of his punches, gassing out quickly. 

As a kid, he was autistically independent, preoccupied and hyper focused, but without any of the social hangups. He could talk to anyone and impressed everyone. He was adored, and rightfully so, but he also marched to the beat of his own nunchucks, exclusively. You couldn’t bullshit him, and you couldn’t placate him unless he was genuinely fascinated with what you offered. This is how kids should be, insatiably curious and wild. It was my favorite era of his, and where we spent the most time together. I was such an asshole to him, and he still always hung out with me. And we followed each other into a lot of similar interests.

Then he got his first hit of testosterone, and followed a phase where he literally held a fist up in every photo taken of him. Ha. Puberty’s a bitch. That didn’t last long. Reality checked and he stabilized. The important thing is that he knew he wasn’t going to watch, he was going to play. I loved him here, jealously and from a further distance. I couldn’t hang.

Then maturity: The firm handshake, the direct eye contact, the bright teeth, the smiling cheeks. Approachable, but not daffy. If anything his charisma was a prank and shrewd tactic; a car salesman during the first act, a playful subversion before the intellect and wit made their debut; or, worse for you, they didn’t. You’d start talking to Arthur and think you were walking in on a frat-boy breakfast table, then he’d go on to tell you why your problem was really because of what Robert Moses did back in ‘56, or he’d ask if you thought the The States were in a similar stage of decadence as Rome before its fall.

To him, your reason was more important than your choice, which is an axiom of all good conversation, one that most people are afraid to admit because doing so requires the ability to tread water. It’s easier to talk about the weather or watch sports. But Arthur wasn’t afraid of going deeper, and he had the tact to know when it was the right thing to do.

He was a man of appetite. A true traveling gourmand. He could scoff at you from within a seersucker, but he never compared oysters. If a menu offered Seattle’s or Rhode Island’s, he’d reply, “keep ‘em coming” and demand littlenecks or (and) crawfish to follow. He was less interested in varieties of wine, more in varieties of tomato and whether you had a good coarse salt.

He was spoiled rotten — as we all were, and mostly by the same sources — but he lacked pretension, except for that deliberately wielded for ironic effect. Underneath all his developed and developing taste was a lot of comical stoicism — laughing at gross injustice and absurdity, but also doing something about it, literally. His principles were conjured up from experience with the trappings of pleasure, with readings of history, with a variety of surprisingly worldly stories. I always wondered where and how he got it all. The guy had seen things, but not that many things. How was he always so versed? I don’t know, but if you’ve ever watched him eat a box of clementines straight up, wide-eyed in a wrinkled rugby shirt, then you would also know he was more pensive than pleasure seeking.

Entertainment was a defense, one he was growing out of as he realized it interfered with his goals and their requirements. A defense against what? I don’t know for sure, but I suspect the typical. On one hand, a lack of patience and a petulant refusal to be bored. On the other, the existential and solipsistic. A defense against the subconscious shame and pain of cynicism. Was love real? Was wealth worth anything? Was the world bogus? Was anyone authentic? Ethical? Himself? Others?

Look, I’m not saying he was overwhelmed with this gooey crap. He was a thinker, not a navel gazer. I don’t know if he even said any of this stuff out loud, but anyone with a brain is going to ask some questions about the life they’re living and the society they’re in, and most of us don’t like the first obvious answers we come up with. Then we do something about not liking those answers. We put fingers in our ears some of the time, we do what’s easy some of the time, and we do what’s difficult some of the time. And also, anyone with any talent is going to find themselves bored among the average, and falling short of their own standards. These were Arthur’s struggles, I think. At least, they’re kind of my struggles, and Arthur seemed to harmonize with me when we’d commiserate. Or maybe we were both pompous assholes, wannabe aristocrats from the suburbs. Or maybe that was just me. Ha.

To some, it might seem appropriate to haunt him here in this postscript, as if to justify his death as the terminal approach of a depression into cessation. Let me be clear: this was totally not the case, from my vantage. Instead, the above attitudes are more like the required cost-of-entry to a great show. If the unexamined life isn’t worth living, it does not mean the examined one is easy to live. The alternative is Judge Judy and a monogrammed armchair. Not for Arthur. Caulfield eventually quits his bitching, but he has to eat a lot of shit first. Siddhartha finally leaves the brothel, but he had to walk in that door in order to walk out of it later. Hard times are the prerequisite to epiphany. Painful and confusing; but hopeful, not despairing. 

And you could tell Arthur was among this company because the personas he employed became increasingly sophisticated, useful, attractive, and comfortable. From the brawling, pack-leading, indulgent, jokester/show-off into the relaxed, independent, luxurious, conversationalist who wasn’t as afraid to let his guard down, who was increasingly responsible. He was cultivated. He had a tamed self-consciousness (as we all aspire). It was impressive to watch him pull his own strings, to compare that with your own attempts and be humbled.

And thus, as I see it, the irony, hard to swallow, is that Arthur was finding answers to life’s hard questions in fistfuls. Love was possible. Work was worth it. Viktor Frankl was right. And he was learning patience and conviction, already better at their practice than most (e.g. me). As Dan put it, he was just taking off. He jumped and then a hand reached up from the almost escaped gravity and cut him by the heel.

A complete, but simple tragedy.

Complete, because the good guy lost. 

Simple, because Arthur’s life was not some melodramatic airport novel. His death was a lightning strike, a deus ex machina in reverse. A two sentence accident, not an assassination. Not much more to be read from it. Mortality is hard, right? (See: Genesis).

And for all my elaboration, I don’t even think Arthur was all that noxiously introspective or exceptionally self destructive either. The guy knew how to love and be loved. How to let his hair down, appropriately. How to shift gears and drive forward. How to resist temptation. How to find and be good company. How to stare at a fish tank. How to sit and read. How to eat fruit in the sun. He was typically bright, with a lot of flair and personality. I know he was grateful.

Or I’m wrong. Maybe I’m inventing a story to make sense of something more concealed or of pure chaos. I don’t know. I don’t think so.

In any case, it’s a tragedy. And regardless of what is true, I’m still glad I got to hear his story and be part of some of it. He was and remains a good influence to me, a fellow bright eyed boy attempting to sustain himself in the body of a straight-backed man. He’ll live on for a long, long time. And I keep talking to him.

That’s some of what I knew of him. And given this is my catharsis, forgive me further, but more about me:

Sadness, gratitude, and disappointment. 

I’m sad. Still? Yes. Always? Probably not. The inevitability of death hits a certain emotional bedrock after enough love is lost. I’m probably not there yet, still more distance to fall, but things are tapering off, in the aggregate. Maybe I’m just cold. 

Sadness is the least interesting. I am separated from someone I love, and that sucks. We all have people we’ve loved, and we are all damned to lose them. But yes, I get those black bile clutches to the chest as I’m reminded that Arthur (et al.) is gone. And I wanna hold your hand, if you’re feeling it too.

It’s a curse that requires gratitude. Time keeps on slipping, and the portion of time that one spends with good people is shorter still. I’m thankful for Arthur’s good company. From childhood to peerdom. This is what I’ll try and focus on. It’s the mantra I’ll repeat. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Then there’s the sulking disappointment. My head slowly shaking, my eyes unfocused contemplating the loss of the unpredictable conversations, the refreshingly interesting trivia, the uniqueness, the independence, the honed never impersonated taste, the great breadth of knowledge, the artful ball busting, the avoidance of cliches, the shared recommendations, the belly laughs. Obnoxious mutual indulgence — food and talk — during Thanksgiving at Stacy’s table, the shared past at Everit Ave, the just started planning. The feeling of a just missed answer to the question of how to get it back, continuously nagging.

More on that: I’m dealing with a huge mess of unanswerable questions and impotence. There’s so much broken by his leaving, least of all in me, and I can’t fix any of it. No way to organize it. I can’t even help others fix it. Acknowledging the impossibility of the situation seems better than ignoring it, so I will (…acknowledge that death breaks the world and makes inconsistent a lot taken as granted). Arthur’s death is an oily surreal void in the middle of the road. A portal to nowhere. And sure, life will go on. We will preserve. Time heals all wounds. That’s all true. But any schmuck can offer a platitude. I want to be responsible for what he’s left behind, in precise detail. I want to pick up the slack, fill in the blank. But what was his remains his, locked up behind whatever door his soul is now shut. It’s maddening.

I went so far as to tell Olivia that I was her brother, too, and that I would be there for her. Idiot. I love her, she knows I love her, I know she loves me. Yada, yada. I need no pity for my vomiting on the rug. My point is: I can’t be Arthur. I can’t even be close to Arthur. Adam — while still pretty good — isn’t a substitute for Arthur. I apologized for being so naive and sloppy, but the moment taught me what I was trying to say above: that I am ignorant of so much of Arthur’s life, and in ways that can’t be remedied by interviewing his friends or reading his book or wearing his shoes, sort of speak. A lot of it isn’t just unknown, it’s unknowable.

This requires more thought. Surely something can be done. Entropy can’t be rewound, but duct tape can keep a plane in the air. So here’s something I’m going to try: I’m going to be more vulnerable. I’m going to expose myself the way a brother or a son might, and see what happens. It won’t transform me into a replacement, and I’ll probably make a clown of myself. But it’s worth a shot. To build different connections, instead of replicas. I can already see that the cousins have been hammered stronger by this. Now it’s time to be deliberate, and keep that train going, if possible. And yea, I’ll do the practical stuff. You can’t call Barb, enough. And I’ll call Liv, too, but with finesse, without overdoing it. And the rest of our family, as well, because we all lost something. For some a spleen; for others, more vital organs.

Moving on.

It’s further maddening to have Arthur’s death aligned and intertwined with so much of my pleasure. I’m a week into marriage. I’m ecstatic and overwhelmed by the potential of my future. I’m also newly terrified of losing a child not yet even conceived. That’s a fun one. Probably a lot more neurosis to come. But, yea… it’s a violent set of waves to endure and ride. It’s exhilarating and crushing, and guiltily I’ll admit, more of the former. I’m pronoid.

The guilt compounds as I realize that I’m only comparing the conflict between my pleasure and pain, when the actual accounting includes my pleasure, my pain, and all the pain of all the others he left behind, those we both loved. What about Alexandra? Barb? Liv? Dan? A dominating, trailing factor; ego-hidden and selfishly deprioritized. What would Jesus do? Not have a wedding during shiva, although I appreciate all the encouragement and insistence from the also mourning invitees.

Back to Arthur and I having grown apart and then, more recently, back together:

There exists a line separating most relationships. On one side of the line you have people who have a reasonably complete model of you in their head. (See: Theory of Mind.) On the other side of the line are people who have a functional model; they know what they need to know to get the job done, but they don’t know, perhaps have never seen, the whole thing. For ex., a spouse vs a colleague (most of the time). 

The line is called intimacy, and relationships on both sides of the line can be valuable, but the intimate ones have more potential in both directions, fat tails; the intimate ones can yield fortunes and bankruptcies. Acquaintances are tepid.  

I described it above, how Arthur’s and my relationship moved from the intimate to the distant. I’ll skip further detailing that transition, and just get to the thing that hurts now: we were getting markedly closer, again. I could see the trajectory of our friendship and would bet on our returning to intimacy and confidence.

If the isolation of vocation and growth drives most bourgeois adults apart and into impersonal silos, then eventual mastery and plateau allows room for a focus on humanity, again. And humanity is universal and objective. People can stand on it, together, and get to know each other (again). That’s where I felt Arthur and I were.

I felt like Arthur and I had taken two separate tracks at a fork 15 years ago, and just recently those two roads started to merge back into the same path. We had stories to tell each other, of our time in the wild. It was the basis for a new bond, perhaps stronger than the old one.

Unsolicited phone calls. Talks of marriage, health, wealth. Suggestions of books and podcasts that were actually followed through with, instead of disappearing into the void like most cocktail party prescriptions. We’d follow back. Not rushing each other past awkward silence. Being patiently invested in one another. Showing up. Talking about vulnerable topics, like fears and aspirations for careers, and relationships, and family. And then, right during the peak of this rekindling, this jubilee, he died. And I doubt that I was the only one whose newfound growth and compatibility were cut short. You’re not alone.

So I hurt for the spent love, yes, like that of most grief. But I hurt more for the lost potential. I had so many fresh dreams that included him. It’s disappointing and sad.

To be clear, I’m disappointed in what’s lost, not disappointment in him. I blame him for nothing, even if maybe I should or others do. But any of his mistakes could have easily been mine, and so I sympathize. I’m not angry. Ambition implies risk. Vice is vice is inevitable. Growth means growth from something. Different contexts, need not apply.

Anyway, what else? The thing I linger on now is a weird faith. I have little faith or rather I have difficulty finding faith. I scrutinize faith until it’s demoralized. And yet, the discontinuity introduced by Arthur’s absence gives me faith, illogically but compellingly. I don’t strive for it, it’s simply there, point blank. I can’t explain it, but I can describe it.

Arthur is gone forever, and Arthur is part of my future. Both irrevocably true, yet incompatible. What to do about it? Apparently, not much. My mind absolutely and happily refuses to budge. The feeling that Arthur is part of my future supersedes the knowledge that he’s not. Knowing he’s gone does nothing to my belief that my future includes him. So it continues to. Sue me, I can’t help it.

See you in the funnies, Arthur. (More trivia: I never called him Artie or Art or Archo. He was always Arthur to me.)

Lastly, some good, more recent memories (skipping some that have already been shared):

The last thing I spoke to Arthur about was extensive advice, over the phone, on how to structure a prenup. “Don’t put anything about kids in there, because the courts won’t accept that you understood what you were agreeing to, prior to actually having the kids.” Smart. “Everyone should get one! The courts encourage it! Helps ungunk the works.” Ha. Kelly and I never got a prenup, but the candid advice on such a touchy subject makes me laugh.

Eating a whole pig at a communal table, biergarten style, at Saxon and Parole, in New York. Arthur talking the whole table’s ear off about everything, and then after discussing eating brains, we asked the chef to bring the pig’s over, and he did. Afterwards, walking to our trains, jolly, drunk.

Visiting Arthur in Scotland. Going out to some Uni warehouse party, and me getting lost with some bird. I didn’t have a working European phone, and so when I got home at dawn, seeing him and his big bravado looking like a worried mother goose made me laugh and proud, like a big brother again. Him cooking the two of us mussels and linguine with three whole heads of garlic. Delicious. Steak in Edinburgh, and him showing me the castles like he was himself a duke, personal friends of Hume and Smith.

I wished we went on more walks together.

Us planning on going to Joe Beef, in Montreal, with Alexandra and Kelly.

Him calling me to tell me Anthony Bourdain had died, and subsequently talking about it. “If he can’t make it, who can?” There’s that cynicism again. But it was a candid moment. And we ended that talk, more or less, believing we could make it, even if Bourdain couldn’t.

Discussing whether we were fated to end up like our parents. 

Him shooting the .38 up in Gilboa.

Legos, spanky, ice box bedroom, V8-turbo toilet, the pool, the trampoline, the screen porch and its green furniture, endless chicken rolls followed by cold pizza, karate in the basement (no shoes on the mats), rolling on the carpet (i.e. roll mosh), forts, the Barbie game on the gateway computer in Izzy’s room, Snood, army men in the mud ripping up sod by the square foot unit, jealousy listening to Timberlake camp stories, the suburban with 100 blankets in the third row and Don McLean on the radio, toxic farts, the Pokemon store, the Pokemon cards I’d steal from him after going to the Pokemon store, a million cups of Lipton at Barb’s table, Rage Against the Machine in Dan’s car, lanyards, fishing in the Hewlett Bay, Harry Potter, him never sleeping over my house and getting rides home at 2am after attempting to (me pissed), hiding in that lone pine tree in the front yard, making window art out glitter glue, salamanders, watching him attempt to ride a bike in the driveway.

A menial history, but ours. Anyway…

Arthur, you were great. It’s not for me to say that you’re now resting in peace, because I think you were pretty zen while you were alive, in your own pastel-colored kimono kind of way. So instead, I hope you’re as satisfied there as you were interested here. I’ll see you soon, and until then, I’ll try and hold the line for you. Love ya’.