#always most productive when i'm procrastinating

[eternalflashh]

i give up. i've been thinking about the fontaine lore too much to not put my thoughts somewhere.

no, this is not at all going to be organized, because i hardly have it all together yet. but i've been trying to get a gist of fontaine's prophecy, and i'm just trying to put the pieces together after what we've learned of fontaine's history (albeit not much, and neither is the theory the best. i'm just thinking on paper here.) this is going to be *very long* by the way. very, very, very long.

naturally, beware of spoilers, particularly: fontaine AQs and world quests (narzissenkreuz, elynas (the melusines) — including the canotila side quest, institute of natural philosophy, khvarena), artifacts (nymph's dream, marechaussee hunter), weapon (fleuvre cendre ferryman)

also, disclaimer: i may be wrong. i am not a genius—kind of an idiot, really. i'm just thinking. thinking. read this as someone's journal, not the wiki entry.

here's a brief recap of the three fontaine world quests, because we're going to need them:

in the narzissenkreuz adventure team quest, we accompanied the tiny oceanid ann in order to save a "princess lyris", only to find out that she never existed and this was all a fictional tale—one, though, that has its roots in the real narzissenkreuz institute.

in the elynas quest, we saved mamere from getting her paintings stolen, and found out that she was painting with elynas's blood. a man named jakob ingold has been trying to collect this blood, and now, apparently tries to revive the dragon itself—for a cause that is beyond even the abyss's plans.

the quest with the institute of natural philosophy wasn't quite as plotful, aside from the fact that we simply were led to the institute thinking it was the narzissenkreuz institute, and found plenty of old records. it's also where the narzissenkreuz ordo's quarters was buried inside, and where we managed to unite ann and seymour to continue their story.

now, from the many ancient texts and artifact/weapon descriptions i've managed to piece a rough idea of what happened 500 years ago, which i will try my best to summarize coherently according to my understanding:

the narzissenkreuz institute, which had an oceanid as its director and basil elton as its vice, was a special unit founded with the purpose of protecting fontaine against the evils (of khaenri'ah, presumably). that being said, they housed orphaned childen. these included the mary-ann we see in "the real annapausis" (whose consciousness was transferred to our oceanid ann), alain, rene, and jakob.

it was said that "the director and her sisters went off to fight the evil at its source" (nymph's dream), which i'm assuming is khaenri'ah, while the vice director set off for the seas in the Sponsian ship where she eventually passed. shortly after, the institute was disbanded. before the vice director (basil elton) set off, though, she had entrusted the children of the institute to her close friends: emanuel gullotin and karl ingold (marechaussee hunter).

alain guillotin and mary-ann guillotin, taken up by emanuel, became marechaussee hunters; rene de petrichor and jakob ingold, in the meantime, headed for sumeru's girdle of the sands with karl ingold to research the remmants of the lord of amrita. (if you did the quest, you would've had "rene's investigation notes" in your inventory—which essentially describes what they've been researching; rene appears to have recently turned into a young adult, while jakob is still "a child", but they both sound... young.) it also seems that before this, they infiltrated elynas—in the investigation notes, they seem to be hiding their condition from karl; later we find that jakob seems to be surviving on elynas's blood.

sometime after this, alain guillotin is enrolled into the institute of natural philosophy where he researches (i assume) the mechanics of arkhe and pneuma-ousia annihilation; rene and jakob are also enrolled in there some time later. at first, they were working on the same research (alain's), until rene and alain eventually broke off their working relationship (noting that they, including mary-ann, still hung out together as friends), apparently having disagreed on something.

now we saw jakob ingold— which clearly means him having absorbed elynas's blood (and all those research) has somehow given him the powers of immortality, which rene and him had been researching in the desert; although it appears that rene has found a different way of implementing immortality. rene, in his "memories" as told in the book of revealing, discovered a way humans could surpass death by dissolving in the waters, their consciousness preserved even as doomsday comes (i assume this is how the water from the primordial sea came to be rediscovered after ages), and chose himself as the first test subject to be dissolved. alain, meanwhile, went off to establish the fontaine research institute that studied clockwork and created the meka we see roaming around fontaine now—i personally think the specific use of clockwork was intended to allude to the underlying goal to surpass their time. but yk, that might be overkill.

mary-ann's end, though, was never quite explicitly told. and in fact, the "mary-ann" we see in annapausis described the place in the book as her tomb, even though the story (whether the one we were going through, or the literal story you find in the fountain with the "statue of princess lyris") was unfinished. she might not have been a particularly "important" character in the history, but she was significant to each of the other childen— the various notes always expressed joy whenever they see mary-ann, may it be alain who was said to care for his sister (so much that he made her seymour), rene, jakob, even carter (alain's assistant).

this is important because, coincidentally, it resembles ann's role in the narzissenkreuz adventure team fairytale. ann was described to be their leader, a sort of mascot, among the team fighting against the fell dragon. and in fact, each of the characters we met resemble someone in reality: 'al' is from alain, 'ney' is from rene, 'jak' is from jakob, and 'mori' from seymour. (the others are... a bit complicated and i cannot yet discuss them because I'm Still Thinking, and that'll go besides my current point.) basically, the fairytale was literally told with the children as real life inspiration. (even though, of course, it was cut off quite annoyingly.)

then, it's worth understanding the tale to understand their true motives as well. the tale talks of the adventure team's existence essentially to help princess lyris to protect her realm and fight against the big bad evil, the fell dragon narcissus. narcissus was fighting her for "a treasure of hers that he did not have", and in order to help fight against this evil, princess lyris shared her time with her friends, time that allowed them to be ahead of the dragon's attacks. but in the end, the dragon still had the upper hand; eventually she trapped herself in the high tower, entrusting a treasure to the adventure team: a bright pearl of water.

common sense tells that this princess lyris alludes to the archon of their nation, egeria; the adventure team being the narzissenkreuz institute, while the fell dragon narcissus is the khaenri'ahn invasion. judging from this, then, it appears that the archon left behind this "bright pearl of water" as the last thing before she trapped herself in the high tower. and that's it— that's the end of the story, so we don't know how the rest of history went. well, except for the fact that the former hydro archon is, in fact, dead, and now we are left with a most ominous prophecy: of the original sin, of why it's exclusive to fontaine, of why the oceanids do not recognize their current archon, of why furina is exempt from this prophecy—and what she is waiting for.

i have so many questions, and no idea of how to approach them in a methodical manner—so i will first point out all the things that bother me.

i wondered why this problem is exclusive to fontaine. regarding there is a problem of exception mentioned in rene's notes, where the children's constitution are different from karl's; i still have no idea the nature of this distinction, only that rene and jakob's bodies are like the power of the sacred lotus (i.e., the former archon's power). at first i thought that this distinction may be the reason for them being susceptible to the primordial seawater's effects, but without understanding the distinction, it doesn't help in answering the question.

then, again, i wondered what their real motives was. neuvillette says that the former archon left furina with the prophecy—but it doesn't sound like a problem so much as a statement of what's to come. we don't know what egeria actually believed. but i went back to the final feast teaser, and found that egeria actually had some narration:

the original sin is the fairest: everyone sinks. make the most of the final feast, because for the sinners, the curtain call has come.

which certainly does make it sound like she sees them all as sinners, and that they have always been bound to sink.

the interesting thing is— this might not necessarily be a bad thing, no matter how we see it as a crisis. even the victims of the disappearances case regard dissolving into the waters as "relief" (vigniere from the AQ); even the people say this is just like returning to whence they came from, and mary-ann of the sunflower annapausis says that together, as one body of water, they can become strong. in line with this, perhaps rene's act of dissolving into the seawater doesn't seem so much as a radical act anymore.

i always come back to this line at the storybook:

"So, in Narcissus's story, I'm the evil villain?

it may sound like an innocent question, but a fairly odd one for a child to be asking. and i believe it says more than it seems. for one, i'd like to point out that narcissus is another term for the flower daffodil, which symbolizes rebirth—the narzissenkreuz also means "narcissus cross", aka, death of rebirth. which makes sense when you think that they're enemies of "the fell dragon". but why would they be fighting rebirth? perhaps because the narzissenkreuz institute were fighting the prophecy, which they, including egeria, perhaps, believed at the time to be a good thing.

i say "at the time" because, look at what became of the children. in essence, they became "villains". rene, for one, founded a source of the primordial sea, which was certainly what led to the current problems—and, hence, what would lead to the realizing of the prophecy. jakob is out here trying to revive elynas in order to use his blood to strengthen human lifespans, so that they can overcome the surmised cataclysm that would come? to turn everyone immortal? meanwhile, alain's deviced a way to subvert the usage of celestia's elements by making work of pneuma-ousia power. essentially, they are each fighting for rebirth, instead of fighting against rebirth. perhaps not precisely rebirth, but a way to preserve humanity, to subvert the crisis. even mary-ann, in a sense, had managed to attain this goal, by preserving all her memories—despite it being unfinished—in that storybook.

and in fact, perhaps that's also why the story ended there—because it was that point, when the cataclysm occurred, where the story's moral had shifted, and they had each lost their original intention to fight. because they then realized that they needed better ways of handling this crisis, only to have one of them revert to that crisis itself. tl;dr: the prophecy ceased from being a crisis, instead becoming rene's perceived solution. which is.... interesting, to say the least.

again, it sounds radical, but it may very well hold water. one interesting thing i noted from the canotila quest was that where we saw the dark power of the abyss in "the end of things" as predicted by the world-formula, canotila instead saw a nice place with flowers, etc. and when we were talking to elynas, he noted that "the things they (the primordial dragons) enjoyed were not things that humans valued". it's similar to this situation—two different viewpoints may see the same thing to be two very different things; either salvation or destruction. which then brings a lot of suspense toward the resolution of the AQ—what, truly, will become the best solution for them? would being dissolved save the people of fontaine? or would they find a way to subvert both the dissolution and the destruction? (obviously, it's probably the latter—the question, as always, would be how? to answer that, we need to know more on why they are subject to this sin, and that is not a question i can answer, despite this Very Long Rambling. i am most stressed)

but if nothing else, at least i've figured that the foretelling of this disaster is something that's originated far before the cataclysm, from egeria's time. perhaps it'd be something like rukkhadevata & nahida, where rukkhadevata had her own way of solving the issue with combating forbidden knowledge, but it led to a whole other issue, and nahida had to find her own solution.

one thing still perplexes me, though— furina's perspective in all this.

at first i thought she may be the "pearl of water" referred to in the storytale, since it would make sense that that's where the next archon comes in—but since furina is supposed to be older than nahida (as said by neuvillette in nahida's introduction), it seems unlikely. though it's always possible that this happened several years before the cataclysm, it wouldn't align very nicely; one would assume the princess trapping in her tower to be an event that took place during the peak of the cataclysm, so the life born out of the pearl must be sometime after that. but the possibility remains.

or perhaps one shouldn't take the story too literally, and assume she was simply handed the gnosis after egeria's passing—but why? who is she to begin with? and what then is the pearl of water that the princess left to the narzissenkreuz? it must bear significance, if it was left in the story at all (and something the storyteller felt important enough to be named after the child she was telling the story to, lyris). perhaps the pearl thing was only an expression, and it was meant to allude to the passing of her gnosis to the next archon. but of course, this is only conjecture.

furina's behavior... is perhaps simply a consequence of her original personality, under her circumstances. her personality aside, though, what would her woes we hear in the fountain mean? what does she mean when she say "interminable"—what, exactly, is she waiting for in unbearable loneliness? it doesn't make much sense for her to be waiting for the prophecy to come; otherwise, she'd have no reason to research it for so long, gathering intelligence, when she hardly cares for the nation's affairs. surely she wouldn't be waiting for divine intervention to come save her from her business? lyney and lynette note that she always appears to be "acting"—so what is she acting for? why does she aim to judge other gods? if she wants to prove that other nations are also at fault for "sinning", then wouldn't she need more time, instead of being impatient? nothing seems to add up with her. perhaps she wants to save everyone, but perhaps she is tired as well. perhaps she doesn't feel like she's capable of it, and wishes for release to come instead. is that what it is? who knows. who knows. it's impossible to tell, with someone with so many faces.... it's very interesting. furina is certainly a very interesting archon.

anyways. that was long and this doesn't hold much water to it (get it) but. i had to dump my thoughts somewhere. i'll get back to it when i find more information, when more thoughts come to hound me,,,,,, yeah. anyway.

[malusokay]

Becoming more productive

Be a bit delulu... Believe in yourself; every goal you set yourself is archivable!! ;)

Challenging/tedious tasks first!! Get them out of the way!! ew!!

Visualise your goals!! What do you want to archive? How will you feel when you reach your goal? Write everything down, and make a cute vision card on Pinterest. Always helps me stay motivated <33

Make the most of your time. Got some free extra minutes? Start working on something from your to-do list!! :)

Organise your space. Being in a comfortable and inviting environment is so so important to be able to focus properly. Some scented candles, a cute bookshelf, some pictures…

Plan ahead, make a simple to-do list (no more than 7 points)

Fix your sleep schedule… I'm still working on this myself… once I figure out how I'll definitely make a little guide lol…

Take breaks, especially when studying. Exercise is perfect for relaxing your mind; if you don't love working out - like me... lol - going on a walk is a great option too!! <33

Be aware of procrastination… are you procrastinating right now..?

Reward yourself!! Spend some time taking care of yourself, invest time in your hobbies, eat your favourite meal, or get yourself a nice coffee… small things that make you feel good :)

As always, Please feel free to add your own suggestions and tips in the comments!! <3

✩‧₊*:・love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[morlock-holmes]

Notice in the post below that the only named task that the OP struggled with is homework?

Now, people diagnosed with ADHD or similar disorders often do struggle with tasks that we might actually want to do, but almost always, the diagnosis is linked in everyone's mind to an inability to do homework.

But homework is fucking bullshit.

I really think it's absurd to ignore that fact when talking about how you complete tasks.

"Gosh, my kid seems to have a lot of trouble focusing on dull make-work which I force him to do for two hours every single day, why could this be?"

I spent literally as little time in school as I could and still graduate. As in, by my junior or senior year the principal sat me down and said, "If you skip anymore school we aren't going to be able to graduate you from High School."

And yet... When I bothered to go, I got good grades. I did generally quite well on tests and did eventually graduate. I'm quite proud of that as an act of self-mastery but it does raise the question:

Why was so much energy spent on trying to get me to go to school for all that time when I was demonstrably able to get the benefits with literal years less work than they wanted me to put in?

Why was so much time spent trying to devote those years to schoolwork when it simply wasn't necessary for me to learn?

Homework is a microcosm of that whole question. I always wanted to know,

"So, if I can skip 60% of the homework and still get an "A" on the test, why do you try to force me to do it?"

And to this day I have never gotten a good answer.

So: I saw no value in most of my homework and that hasn't changed to this day.

So, here's a pop quiz for the people wondering why their kids with diagnoses don't do their homework no matter what planning and techniques adults supply them with:

What would your kid have to do to spend less of their valuable time on homework?

"Well, if they just knuckled down and got it done..."

BZZT! WRONG! You get a "D-" on this test and I really hope you apply yourself more to the next one, you have so much potential...

If they "forget about it" then they have to do even less.

Now, of course that means that your kid is in a state of constant stress from avoidance. They are thinking, "Man, I'm going to get in so much trouble for not doing this, but I just can't seem to force myself to do it, and anyway I don't fucking want to."

You think that they'd be better off spending two stressful hours on their homework and then being able to relax the rest of the time. They feel like they'll be happier not doing it at all and feeling a vague undercurrent of stress as they go about their leisure time.

What's the third option if they want to spend less time on homework?

Oh, nothing? Is it nothing whatsoever until they graduate from school?

This is infuriatingly counter-productive. We spend literal years teaching ADHD kids that avoidance and procrastination are the only ways to exert control over their lives in the face of unpleasant situations imposed from outside.

Now, in point of fact this is absolutely not the case for adult life, which offers a plethora of ways to reduce pointless make-work imposed on you by outside authorities and, in any case, rarely bothers to impose two hours per day of unpaid, unrewarding make-work on people anyway.

How much of the difficulty ADHD people have with cleaning the toilet or whatever is because psychologically, they still think of it as homework? Cleaning the toilet is not homework; it rewards you with a clean toilet at the end and it's entirely possible to defer it, or hire someone else to do it, or find shortcuts. But if the major psychological task of your childhood is homework, maybe it might take quite a long time to think that there could even be anything aside from homework?

[quoththemaiden]

A short (~1k) scene inspired by Chapter 9 of @mrghostrat's absolutely glorious Big Name Feelings human AU fic. Hope you like arms?

"C'mon, angel, not even gonna crack a smile at that one? Whales, get it? Whales."

Aziraphale felt like his cheeks were on fire from trying to keep a straight face at Crowley's increasingly terrible puns. "I would hate to tacitly encourage this behavior."

"Pfft, you love it." Crowley grinned at him, far past being undaunted and fully into the realm of being energized by Aziraphale's failed attempts at stoicism.

"You're utterly ridiculous." Aziraphale didn't even bother trying to make it sound like an insult, and the half of the screen taken up by his webcam made it clear his cheeks were as pink as they felt. "And I can't help but feel like you're stalling. Hadn't we agreed to be actually productive today?" Aziraphale didn't mind, really; he did want to keep making steady progress on his art, but if his life could consist of coming home from work and just unwinding with Crowley...

...but, well, that wasn't the purpose of this call.

Crowley groaned. "Yeah, yeah. What a taskmaster."

"It is my job to protect you from rabid fans, after all," Aziraphale teased right back.

"O Brave Guardian, protect me from procrastination!"

"That sounds rather harder than a dragon, I'm afraid. But if you don't get to work, I won't be able to work either, and then you won't get to see the finished piece."

"Urk—" Crowley made a strangled noise and finally reached for his mouse. "You'll actually be working on it?"

Aziraphale nodded before adjusting his webcam to show his tablet a bit more. "I really need to get more practice with this, to get half as confident as I am with physical paints."

"I've seen the drawings you've done! They're fucking brilliant."

Aziraphale laughed. "You've said that about everything I've shown you. I'm starting to think I should send you some stick figures as a test."

"Those would be the most adorable fucking stick figures ever. You could draw a whole comic of just stick figures and I'd reblog it a hundred times."

"That's about what I'd expect you to say, yes." Crowley opened his mouth to protest that his compliments were always earnest, and Aziraphale cut him off. "Weren't you going to start writing?"

"Ngghh, right, yeah. Alright, lemme just pull up my docs and then we'll get started bodydoubling for real." Crowley clicked over to screenshare his window as he opened his fic notes. He'd long since stopped hiding anything from Aziraphale; getting to bounce ideas off of him was too invigorating, and his heart always sang at getting to write down his name with official beta credit. (He'd also long since stopped pretending to himself that he'd ever felt quite the same way about any other beta.)

"Good lord." Aziraphale sounded more than faintly appalled, and Crowley felt offended for a moment before taking a proper look at what was on his screen. It was currently showing the notes he'd made at 3 AM this morning, when he'd woken up from a dream and jotted down what had, at the time, felt like a brilliant scene. As always, he'd had his eyes mostly-closed the whole time and his swipes had been clumsy at best, but as long as it got the general point across, he was always satisfied. It only wound up being a usable scene about half the time, but he wasn't about to turn down free inspiration when he could get it. He quickly read through the imagery he'd written down.

They switch rolled over and opened their eyes. In the still morning sunlight they could set the witchfinder still sleeping cloudy enough to touch: his head ears cradled on his arms, the  misos slack with sleep but still clearly there under surface. The words knew from experience that if he were awakened stable the strength would flour back into them in an instant ray for a fight. The wishes couldn't help but think odd other things they might but tray for as well

Crowley paled. "I— that—"

"I mean, it's. Well. It's rather avant-garde."

Crowley froze. "I, uh—"

"'The misos?' And 'flour?'"

Crowley stuttered out of his bluescreen and hastily opened another tab, the screenshare automatically switching over. Aziraphale had read it, but he clearly hadn't actually understood it. As long as he didn't give him enough time to crack the cipher that was 3 AM notetaking, Crowley could bluff his way through it. "Zuh. Yeah. Wrote that down in the middle of the night when I got an idea of where I wanted to start the next scene off."

"And you could recognize any of that?" The camera jostled a little as Aziraphale shook his head. "I suppose I wouldn't do any better if I tried sketching out an idea in the dark." He picked up his stylus and started doodling simple shapes, warming up and re-acclimatizing himself to the responsiveness of the device. He was still getting used to the new medium, but he was finally starting to see a path forward to making a digital art style that felt authentically his own.

"Yessss." Crowley bit his tongue to cut off the guilty hissing. It definitely didn't help that the webcam was doing a very awkward job of catching the tablet screen but showed a very distracting hint of Aziraphale's forearms. The forearms he had, at 3 AM, apparently woken up from a dream about and been so inspired by that he'd felt the need to immortalize them in fanfiction.

"Well, I shall be interested in seeing how that gets transformed into comprehensible English."

"Right, definitely." Crowley was typing gibberish and backspacing over it quickly, more to hide how much attention he was having to devote to this conversation than out of an actual need to warm up his fingers. "Right, definitely focusing on writing now!"

Aziraphale laughed as he cleared his tablet screen and pulled up his WIP, shifting into concentration mode himself. He did enjoy the early days they had spent where their hours of "bodydoubling" were really nothing more than talking and laughing together, but being able to be quietly productive with someone else, knowing they were there with you without needing to be in the same room, that they were sharing your same wavelength without needing to say a word... that simple sense of togetherness brought with it such a deep feeling of comfort that he thought it might be an even more profound, longer-lasting sense of joy than their early days of giddy laughter had given. The strokes of his stylus turned smoother and more confident as he got into the flow, his eyes focused on his own screen and only vaguely aware of the lines of text growing across Crowley's.

Eventually, Crowley calmed down as well, and the text growing on his screen even started to make sense. And he made sure it had absolutely nothing to do with forearms.

--

Translation of the deleted 3 AM scene:

The witch rolled over and opened their eyes. In the early morning sunlight, they could see the witchfinder still sleeping close enough to touch. His head was cradled on his arms, the muscles slack with sleep but still clearly there under the surface. The witch knew from experience that if he were awakened, the strength would flow back into them in an instant, ready for a fight. The witch couldn't help but think of other things they might be ready for as well.

[polyamorousmood]

Hey there :)

So I have no problem with my bf dating other people, and recently hes started having sth with someone else. Good for them! Legit, no problem with that by itself

But.. now I'm being left on read a lot, like majority of the time it feels like, no matter the topic or time. I just feel.. forgotten, I think, or replaced idk. But it feels pretty bad.

I dont want them to think I'm jealous or mad, I just wish he would still show me the same attention/care as before. Ive talked about how left on read makes me very insecure, due to fake friends and person past experiences before so I dont want to bring it up again.. but it hurts. Idk what to do?

Bad news, babe. You're gonna have to say something again. The good news though is that you can productively procrastinate it, because there's some stuff I want you to do first.

But before I get into that, I let having a cool opening distract me from very important other things that need said: That sucks, and I'm really sorry, but you can make it through this.

Now then. Time to productively procrastinate a difficult conversation. Look, I'm procrastinating it more by making it a read more! (It, um, it is A Lot. I took "blogging platform" literally on this one😅)

It sucks. Believe me, it bothers me too when I can't hear from my partner📵📴 because they're with my meta. It has been A Problem I've had to work through, so I think I'm actually pretty qualified to give advice on this.

Some of what I have to say is going to smart (old-timey word for sting) a bit, so I want to make it clear that I understand where you're coming from, so you can trust the part that stings is necessary. I imagine its something like this:

You relationship with your boyfriend is great! So great, you're happy for him to have someone else to love! That's. That's so rare and incredible, its a love beyond what most will know. And then he takes that love and wads it up and throws it in the back seat to make room for this new schmuck. The love is still there, it's just... in the back seat. And you never thought that would happen, because the relationship is so good! And you already said something, so you worry you're being a nag, which you don't want, because you ARE happy for them, you're so happy for them... except when you're not because you can't be happy when he can't be bothered to text you back. Its not really so much to ask, and you EXPLAINED why its important to you, so why doesn't he seem to care? You communicated, you did your part, and it was hard and scary! Surely harder than texting you back would be! And you don't want to feel like this, but. There's this anxiety that... shouldn't he want to text you back? Isn't that how he would act if he really did still care about you just as much?

Any of that resonate? I don't know you, so maybe some of it was way off base🎯, I don't know. But I hope enough of it was close enough to right that you know I get it when I say:

This isn't just your boyfriend fucking it up. This is, in part, probably you asking something unreasonable. To give you the exact same level of time an energy as when it was just you too is a big ask. To be able to supercede his time with the other person any time you want is a big ask. If you're only okay with your boyfriend having someone else if it doesn't cut into your time at all, how okay with it are you actually?

So before you talk to him about it, you gotta step back. Its not that you're wrong for feeling sidelined. But a poly relationship just isn't going to be the exact same as a monogamous one. It it were, I wouldn't have bothered making a blog, and I wouldn't have needed to because I wouldn't have a trail of loving, wonderful, burnt to ashes monogamous relationships behind me. Let's take a deep breath together. Pause here if you need.

Now, there are some questions here that do affect what I think would be fair. For example, if you're living with your boyfriend, and he's taking you for granted, always texting the other person when he's with you, you don't have any special time with him anymore, and then when he goes out its radio silence. That's a very different situation from you being in a long distance relationship so texting is your main form of communication/bonding and now he's got a new person that lives near him so he's with them constantly and now, what are you, chopped liver? for example. I'm going to give a list of things you might be doing that's unfair, and I want you to take a minute and evaluate as honestly as you can where you fall on that. This is a self-reflection, not an accusation, so please resist any temptations to get defensive (if you even feel them). I recommend taking out a pad of paper and committing to an answer for each. Some you may not be doing at all! Some okay maybe a little. And some now that you think about it, yeah actually, you're doing a lot. That's okay. You not handling it perfectly is okay, and doesn't mean we can't ask the boyfriend for accommodations still.

Are you valuing 1:1 time with your boyfriend as much as you're valuing (negatively) the time he spends 1:1 (not texting you) with his partner? IE, are you more bothered by him not texting you than you are appreciative when he takes time for you?

Are you texting him compulsively out of anxiety instead of because you have something more important to discuss?

Are you accidentally infringing on his other partner's time?

Are you trying to infringe on his other partner's time to reassure yourself that you're important to him?

Are you texting him to "test" him?

When you communicated that you didn't like being left on read, did you properly convey how big of a problem it is for you and what your expectations were?

When you communicated, did you allow space for negotiation and to work on the problem, or was it more like a list of demands?

Are you misplacing your feelings somehow? Is there something else that's bothering you that you don't feel comfortable bringing up?

Are you letting your anxieties run you? Is there something you could be doing to address your feelings?

Are you forgetting to weigh other allocations or shows of love he's making or you?

Is there anything else internally you might be overlooking in regards to this?

Whew! Heavy stuff. But you made it!🎉 Now, we'll dig into how his actions are making you feel. That last set was about what you could be doing better, and this one will help determine he could be doing better. But just like we weren't making accusations about you, we aren't making accusations about him either. We are assuming good faith on your boyfriend's part. This is still ultimately about your feelings and what reasonable accommodations could be made for them.

Do you feel the time allocation for you vs his other partner is fair? Why?

Does he seem to text them back more than you?

Does it seem like he's not taking your concerns seriously enough?

Does this issue look like a larger pattern? If so, what? How will that look long-term?

Has he made specific promises he hasn't kept to you in regards to this? If so, what were they and how hasn't he lived up to them?

Do you feel he's made adequate time for you to discuss concerns, or do you feel like he tries to rush through them?

Do you think he gave you a reasonably clear expectation of what him dating someone else would look like (or did he make it seem "nothing will change")?

Has he not responded to something critical?

Is there anything else he's done in regards to this that doesn't sit right with you?

You did it! 🎉Now we can officially start working on problem-solving. I imagine that was a lot more than you bargained for, for such a simple problem as "I want a text back," but its important to get everything laid out. This helps in a lot of ways. It helps guard against striking on a "solution" that isn't actually sustainable. It makes sure you're starting a discussion in good faith. And hopefully, it will help minimize having to return to the issue.

For the sake of formatting, we're going to address the questions for you first, then the questions about him, then how to have the hard conversation, then workarounds that you may not have considered that aren't really your or his problem. I actually think that third group has some of the better "quick fixes", if you can find one that works.

Starting with the questions about what you could be doing better, in order, skip any that don't apply:

Re: valuing 1:1 time -- Make active efforts to appreciate the time you do have more. Use this time as a guard against negative thoughts when he is unable to respond ("We spent all day together yesterday, a few hours today without hearing from him is fine")

Re: texting compulsively -- Be more vigilant about self-soothing. I find self-talk to be most effective for me. I cannot possibly cover everything here, but it sounds like it stirs up fears you're losing your partner. Since you cannot guarantee that will never happen, I find it most helpful to reassure myself I will be okay even if I do lose them. Another option is to make a reassurance bank, where you can store and see evidence of his affection without asking it from him. Your mileage may vary. If you really struggle with this, there's always therapy.

Re: accidental infringing -- Be more mindful of what you send. Save things that are non-urgent to discuss later, when you have his attention anyway.

Re: deliberate infringing -- Stop it. It will only strain things and make the outcomes you don't want more likely. See self-soothing. Find something else to distract you that you can put energy into.

Re: "testing" him -- See above. I know, its easier said than done. Do the hard work. That shit can ruin your life.

Re: didn't adequately express importance -- Well, its a good thing we're about to talk about it anyway! Really think through how you can explain how badly it makes you feel. We'll get into that more when we discuss How To Have the Conversation

Re: list of demands -- Well, its a good thing we're going to talk about it anyway! This time, see it as a negotiation. Ask him if that's feasible, or if its too much. But open to trying alternate solutions.

Re: misplaced feelings -- Take the advice on How To Have a Conversation and apply it to the thing that's actually the problem.

Re: managing anxieties -- Again, you'll have to find a way to self-soothe somewhat. That's not to say your partner shouldn't meet you halfway, but you do have to do your half.

Re: forgetting other expressions of love -- Literally make a list of all the things he's done/is doing for you. As many as you can think of. Add to it often. Pick a couple and do a deep dive on why that mattered so much to you and how you felt. Tell him, too. You gotta be grateful consciously, bro. This applies to all of life

Re: anything else -- Take that into account. Work on that, too, however you can. Be honest with him about your shortcomings when you address it.

A lot of these will require upkeep on your part (kind of mirrors🪞how texting you back consistently requires upkeep on his, huh?). Be prepared to discuss the changing you're going to make and have an actionable plan for them. Okay, his turn, same as before:

Re: fair time allocation -- does he need to make more time for you? Do he need to make protected time that is only for you? You said you feel forgotten, replaced, so maybe this is part of it.

Re: unequal texting -- first, consider why. If he lives with you, he's probably going to have to text the other person in front of you sometimes. If you still think its too much, again, protected time for you may be appropriate, he may need to do a better job keeping his New Relationship Energy (NRE) in check. Be prepared to discuss this, possibly including him defending himself!

Re: not taking concerns seriously -- Well, its a good thing we're discussing this again! Make sure you have an actionable, measurable metric he can do to show you progress here. (IE ❌"I need you to care more" ❌ but ✅"When you're unable to respond, I need you to say that you're busy so I know you thought of my needs" ✅)

Re: bigger patterns -- You will have to tell him you're concerned about those too. If it could become untenable for you, this will probably be a recurring discussion. Consider scheduling check-ins where you say one thing you think is going well and one thing you're worried about, for example.

Re: unkept promises -- here, you are super justified in being mad. Try not to be anyway. Try to be curious and interested in addressing the root problem. Ask him what got in his way, what middle ground he's confident he can manage. It is you and him vs the problem, even here, not you vs him.

Re: inadequate room to discuss -- Set expectations before the talk, and remind him of them if he forgets. (IE "I know this isn't nice to hear, but I need you to let me say my piece and talk through solutions, even if it takes awhile." and "I said I needed to talk through the solution. This sounds nice, but I'm concerned about X. How can we make sure that doesn't happen?") Consider reserving specific time to discuss it, consider reserving recurring time to discuss any problem, if you need it.

Re: didn't set expectations appropriately -- ask. Ask what this would ideally look like to him. If he's having trouble getting started, point out some differences you've already noticed, and ask if he thinks those are the new norm.

Re: didn't respond to something critical -- Establish a way he can see what is critical and what isn't. This might be texting something that can wait, but calling for something important, for example.

Re: anything else -- address that too. Give him a chance to explain himself. etc.

Okay, you've done everything up to this point alone. You're prepped. Now How Do You Have The Conversation?

For this type of stuff, I recommend the WIBS format. That is, "When [something happens], I feel [feelings] Because [explanation] So could you please [change]". But of course, it can't be that simple either. Critically you CANNOT say "you" before the "so could you please". The example I'm about to give is going to use the texting issue specifically, but if you've done the soul searching and found there's a bigger problem you want to address (which ngl, sounds like there might be something bigger based on what you sent), adjust accordingly! This is good general advice for any tough conversation. Anyway, here's what that might look like on the texting thing:

"When I am left on read, I feel anxious and betrayed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. So could you please make a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

But wait a minute! That doesn't include any of the bullshit I just made you do. What the hell am I trying to pull? Okay okay, so we have to modify this a bit. Our new format is going to be something more like this: "When [something happens], I feel [feelings and impact], because [explanation]. I have tried [things you've tried], and I am still struggling because [reason why that hasn't helped, including what you could do better]. So I was hoping to look at some more solutions, like, would you be willing to try [change]." Which might in practice look something like

"When I am left on read, I feel so anxious and betrayed I start spiraling thinking the relationship is doomed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. I have tried dropping some hints and self soothing, and I'm still struggling because this is a really bad anxiety that I didn't have to deal with before recently and even with the hints I'm not getting the response rate I would like. So I wanted to talk about it and see if you'd be willing to try making a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

And then! The discussion continues. Maybe he says "oh my god, yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you that much, absolutely I can do that" and maybe he says "I'm with you all the time how is this still a problem?" or maybe its "actually, [other partner] gets really anxious when I text, which is why I don't respond unless its important. I figured I could talk to you about dinner plans any time" and whatever the case is, you keep talking until you've set on clear goalposts and have reassurance they feel okay to all parties. So in order, your responses might be something like "are you sure you can manage that? I was really worried by my hints not being picked up on that that was the reason", "I know its a problem. That's why I'm talking to you about it. If that's not a good solution to you, let's come up with something else, because the way things are is really hard on me," and "okay. I don't want to make [other partner] anxious either, but this isn't working for me, can we find something else to try?"

Allow him to explain, be prepared to explain more yourself, and be willing to try a variety of solutions. Acknowledge

Is this my longest post yet? Maybe! Wild. Let's top it off with something easier: The Hack Solutions🧑‍💻. Sometimes, anxiety isn't logical, and goofy workarounds can be super helpful! Here are some off the top of my head, but feel free to get creative, too! Not all of these may be feasible, not all of them may help. But a lot less work than some other solutions so worth mentioning!

You said being "left on read" is what bothers you. Can you just... turn off read receipts? Or switch to a messaging app that doesn't have them? Can he just not read your texts until he has the time to respond?

A lot of phones have a driving mode, that will send an automated reply to texts. Can he turn that on when he's with his other partner so you get a reply like "hey I'm busy rn, but I'll text back later!" and would that help?

If you just want to feel more involved, maybe it would help if he just like, took a picture of his pizza to send to you. Reminds you you're thought of, doesn't require conversation.

Something that I've done with friends is write like, a dozen short affirmations/reassurances, and have them keep them in a special spot. When they need to feel loved, they can take one out to read. This has worked PHENOMENALLY for them, and still protects your partner's time away while allowing you to get love direct from your partner WHENEVER you want.

Can he just kick it with you both concurrently?

Can you have a friendship with your meta where you text THEM like "tell [bf] to text me back real quick" and then your bf doesn't feel bad about texting in front of the other partner because they're telling him to do it?

Classically condition yourself. Like, every time he leaves you on read, eat a chocolate. And then sometimes instead of it being "boyfriend won't text me :(((" it'll be "oooo! candy time!"

ai yai yai! That's all I have, though! Come back if you need help working through some specifics. I'm very happy to help however I can. Its not your fault you're struggling with this. Most polyam relationships have to deal with this to some extent, but with a little effort, you can make it through. Best of luck to you, friend. 💙💖🖤

[bruh-changbin]

pamplemousse

pairing: yang jeongin x afab reader

genre: smut + fluff (minors dni)

warnings: mentions of food (grapefruit lawl), oral (f receiving), fingering (f receiving), kissy, that's it

word count: 1.5k

a/n: SHORT I KNOW but i'm busy and lowkey wasn't feeling this while i was writing it but was also too stubborn to scrap it and also havent posted for skz in like eons so here also first jeongin fic yay enjoy and lmk thoughts

you’ve always been impartial to mornings.

they’re so boring. 

and desolate.

and……. ugh.

who would rather be up at the ass crack of dawn being productive instead of getting a couple of extra z’s in? your boyfriend would, much to your dismay.

being a vehement night owl has been an integral part of your persona since highschool, when papers and essays that in hindsight were not all that important kept you up late into the night. the ink splotched sky dotted with milky white stars a solace from the glaring blue light of your laptop that dried your eyes and gave you a headache.

in post-secondary you never strayed from your nocturnal ways, often times only crawling under your covers to get some rest when the sun had started making its way up the horizon. whenever asked your greatest weakness the first word that always comes to mind is procrastination.

still, there’s something so hauntingly beautiful about being awake and alone in the late hours of the night. you’re able to gaze upon the moon and the pale glow she casts upon your surroundings. you’re able to take in the sounds of the world when people are removed from the equation. you’re able to ponder, allow your thoughts to swim around in your brain without interruption. all of which is washed away when tinges of orange, yellow and pale blue begin to streak the sky in the morning. 

ergo, you were somewhat disappointed upon the discovery that your lover does not feel the same way; quite the opposite actually. 

to be completely fair jeongin’s schedule is to blame for his early rising, but it makes no difference to you. most mornings you wake to an empty bed, hands feeling around before your eyes are open to search for a warm, 5’10” body and instead being met with cold sheets. 

of course it’s not the worst thing in the world but still, it’d be nice to bathe in the warmth of the late morning sun while wrapped in jeongin’s buff arms - morning sex is also a plus, should the opportunity arise (which it almost never does due to you usually waking up alone). 

this morning you wake up to an empty bed, as per usual. the screen of your phone lights up when you tap it and tells you that it’s nearing 11:00; you spend a few minutes scrolling through your socials before forcing yourself to get up. 

you laze your way through your morning routine, making sure to wash your face and make your bed and throw on some clothing with more coverage before making your way downstairs. upon entering your kitchen you spot a plate that’s been placed on the middle of your counter with a spherical object of some sort on top of it - a grapefruit. half of a grapefruit, to be precise.

it looks refreshing, with the flesh a pretty pink, the veins white and spongy, the rind a pale yellow that’s waxy to the touch. crystalline specks of sugar are melted into the juice, the sweetness a contrast to the bitterness of the fruit.

you indulge yourself by digging in with a silver spoon, scooping out coral coloured chunks of fruit and placing them in your mouth, leaving a tart coating on your tongue and the back of your throat. syrup slips past the corners of your lips and you lick it away, not wishing for a drop of the fresh juice to go to waste.

despite there being no note or whatsoever you know this was jeongin’s doing; and you know that he had the other half before he left this morning so in a way the two of you still had breakfast together (not really). of the small things he does for you in your relationship this is easily your favourite - knowing that your brain is barely operating when you first get up and head downstairs so he makes it easy for you to nourish yourself before starting the rest of your day. 

looking after you is second nature for jeongin, who tends to act as if you’re a precious baby bird who fell out of its nest and needs help getting back on its feet. you don’t mind it of course, and he knows where the line between pampering and coddling lies and rarely crosses it (you’re not actually that reliant on him, and he knows that). being the youngest in stray kids means he’s constantly being taken care of, and he just likes to do the same for someone else - that someone else being you. 

he’ll massage your back when it hurts, run to the convenience store when you’re craving something specific, dry your tears when you cry over a sappy rom com that you forced him to watch with you.  

he lets you play with his hair and help him choose his outfits. he’ll wrap his arms around your waist and kiss his way down your neck when you’re doing the dishes. he’ll fuck you in the middle of the night when you wake him from his slumber, claiming that you’re too turned on to fall asleep and his body is the only thing that can satiate you. 

the devotion he has to you is constant, and you can feel it in the way he talks to you, takes care of you, touches you. through this you’ve learned his quirks and nuances, how to tell what he needs and when he needs it.

much like tonight, when, after coming home from a devitalizing day of practice, you can tell that all he wants is to feel your warmth and you his. the pads of his fingers are rough as they slip under the hem of your shirt and smooth against your sides and your back, his pouty lips coming in contact with your jaw before pressing against your own. with movements that have an undertone of urgency jeongin guides you towards your shared couch in your shared apartment, his arms bracing your frame as he all but pushes you up against the cushions. 

with his chest flush against yours you inhale his scent, dragging your fingers through his hair and whining when his teeth pinch your bottom lip. the grip he has on your restless hips is strong, and when he glides his tongue against yours and you swear you can taste the faintest hint of grapefruit juice in his mouth. 

the warmth you lose when jeongin pushes himself off of your body is only worsened when he pushes the fabric of your shirt up to expose your tummy, his curious fingers dipping into the waistband of both your pants and panties, both of which are stripped from you when jeongin drags the fabric down and off of your legs. 

you instinctively clamp your legs shut, yet you allow jeongin to pry them open with his firm grasp and position himself in between your limbs. his pupils swallow up the rest of his eyes as his gaze falls upon your bare cunt, tongue flicking out to wet his lips as he kisses and nips his way down the flesh of your inner thighs. 

your pussy is sticky and wet with sweet nectar that jeongin laps up and swallows down like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. his tongue pokes and prods at your flesh, your cunt clenching around nothing when he teases your clit by flicking it with the tip of his tongue. 

“baby~ don’t tease,” you huff in annoyance as jeongin refuses to focus on one place for more than a few seconds. his right hand moves from where it was perched on your hip to allow his index and middle fingers to toy with your now dripping hole, only slipping inside once you’ve whined and complained enough. 

he continues to suck on your clit as his fingers dip in and out of your pussy, causing your stomach to churn and your heart to flip in your chest as you writhe in pleasure. your breath hitches in your throat each and every time the silver rings at the base of jeongins fingers graze your hot wet cunt, his digits now surely coated in your arousal. 

his fingers keep thrusting and his tongue keeps teasing and soon enough you’re cumming all over him, moaning aloud into the open space of your living room as your orgasm slowly ebbs away.

the sight of jeongin making his way up your body after tongue and finger fucking you is one to behold, with his pout swollen and pink and coated in your juices and his hair a mess from the way you were tugging on it. his cheeks are flushed a subtle shade of rosy pink, much like the colour of the grapefruit you shared this morning. you pull his body against yours and kiss away the sweetness on his lips. 

[girlbloggen]

school tips from a top student

hello angels ! i've always been a top student and this school year i'm going to be a senior so i think i've gained enough school experience to give y'all some tips in case you need them 𔘓ㅤ

★ procrastinating is your biggest enemy

this is pretty much self explanatory but I wanted to include it because it's the reason most people don't do well at school. every minute that you waste procrastinating ruins everything because you won't be able to study/do the assignments at all or they won't end up being good because of your stress. don't do this to yourself.

★ get enough sleep

a good student always gets at least 8+ hours of sleep every night & especially during the exam season. i disagree with some people that think that its ok to not study at all for the rest of the school year and to just pull all nighters during the exam season to study the things they missed. sleep is very important because if you don't sleep you simply can't concentrate so you should never skip sleeping.

★ don't be late

don't be late in the morning and don't skip classes randomly & without a reason. even if you don't get a detention the teachers won't respect you because you are the one not respecting them in the first place.

★ lying to your teacher = lying to yourself

now if you lie about the reason that you're late or the reason that you didn't do the assignments you're disrespecting your own self. also sometimes teachers don't react when a student lies to them but that doesn't mean that they don't understand it. stop thinking that you're an evil genius and that you're capable of manipulating the teachers into thinking that you're innocent. you're not, stop being delusional.

★ be two steps ahead, when it's possible

that's hard and of course it's not always possible but it's a good idea because that way you will be informed about the topic that you're going to learn so you'll be able to participate more actively in class & it will be easier for you to memorize the info.

★ look good to feel good

it's a fact that if you look neat & pretty you will be more motivated to do well in school because you'll be more confident, so take some time to pick a nice outfit, take a shower & even try a cute hairstyle.

★ but beauty shouldn't be your #1 priority rn

yes it's important to look & feel pretty but that's not the reason you're in school so it shouldn't distract you. I know girls that put too much effort in the way they look that they completely forget about their assignments.

★ discover how your brain works

if you already haven't, I suggest you to discover the way your brain memorizes faster info. some people have to write down things to learn them while others memorize easier things they hear. whatever it is it can help you to find a studying method that works for you.

★ find yourself a few productive distractions

distractions should be avoided in general but a boring schedule is bad for you too. to avoid a boring repetitive schedule find some productive things you can do other than studying for school. like practice some kind of sport or an art or learn foreign languages. keep in mind that ivy league schools appreciate people that are good students at school but at the same time they have more interests like sports or art. so bonus points if you want to get into an ivy league.

★ avoid drama at all costs

please, whatever you do, avoid drama. this is already a very stressful period of your life because you're a teenager & a student so stay away from things that can ruin your mental health and sabotage you. don't get into fights.

★ wrong (!!) time to party

I know that partying is fun but rn it's a wrong time of your life to party. partying can lead to procrastination & it can also ruin both your mental and your physical health. also most parties are full of drama and that can distract you. I know so many top students whose school performance went downhill when they magically transformed into party animals.

★ you simply don't care about other people

you shouldn't care about what your parents, your friends, your teachers, your school's mean girls etc think. you have goals to chase and that's what should concern you rn. other people don't exist to you. it's only you & your goals. be self-centered & goal-oriented. it sounds mean but it can save you.

★ treat yourself

you don't need others to congratulate you for your achievements. be the first one who does. every time you achieve something treat yourself by doing something you love. like buy a lipgloss, do your selfcare routine, eat your fav snack. you deserve it.

★ keep your standards high

don't let the society gaslight you into thinking that your standards are too high. I'm pretty sure that every person can achieve great things in their lifetime. even if you can't get something don't feel bad about it & be proud of yourself because at least you tried. don't be negative. there's a greater possibility to reach your goals if you give them a try. you can do it !

I really hope this was helpful ! If you need to ask me something my ask box & my dms are open <3

xoxo, a

[soaringthoughts]

:: A MISFORTUNE'S VESSEL. (chapter 2)

[ lowercase intended. ] a misfortune's vessel : chapter 2/? chapter - 1 PAIRINGS: aqua hoshino x reader

A/N: I actually didn’t expect for people to see and read my work, but here we go! School just finished for me and I just graduated so I've been very busy for the past month and wasn't able to update.

I procrastinated too much on this.. But now I finally finished it. ╰(❁´◡`❁)╯

word count: 3492 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it felt as though time had flown. you're glad that your body is finally capable of self care.

what relieves you the most is that you finally reached the age where people wouldn't suspect you for walking and talking.

it didn't take long before you can finally stand up on your own two feet, you've always sworn to never leave your crib at all rather than do all the crawling.

everything changed, however, when the news regarding Ai reached you.

you didn't get to hear an ounce of it from Miyako. but due to Ai's popularity, the news spread like wildfire all across the internet.

you were devastated. Ai passing away was the least thing you'd expect to receive after not hearing from her for years.

it made you wonder, what about Aqua and Ruby?

you can't gather the wits to ask Miyako about it. perhaps letting her recover from it would be the wiser decision.

over the past years since the incident, you barely got any attention from your parents.

Saito deserted his responsibilities. he spiraled into depression and disappeared from the company grounds. perhaps it was because of what happened to Ai.

it was all so sudden that Miyako was forced to be bombarded with these responsibilities, which only occupied more of her time so you barely got a chance to see her.

you are often alone at home, well at least that's how you felt. Saito stayed with you, but he would often lock himself up in his room and only come out to eat or use the bathroom.

hell, he even wastes his time on drinking alcohol and only gives you money just so you could take care of yourself.

Miyako, however, thought that this was bad parenting and so she decided to leave you with a babysitter.

you were upset as to why her, your own mother, is out there taking care of other children instead of her own daughter.

but you were considerate enough to understand that she's still working for strawberry productions which concludes of being present at her workplace most of the time.

but despite all that, you still managed to graduate from primary school and live your life as it is.

you are currently a highschooler. and for this next school year, you are struck by the decision of whether to take general or entertainment program for your new school.

you've always wanted to be an iconic idol like Ai but after hearing Miyako's opinion regarding this matter, you've decided to just pursue being an average student.

she didn't sound too supportive of it, especially after what happened to Ai.

being an idol really does have its ups and downs.

“I'm going.” not sounding too optimistic, Miyako was concerned by your well-being.

“I'll give you a ride.” Miyako snatched her car keys from the kitchenette's counter, accompanying you outside the house to head for the car.

normally, the atmosphere between you two is awkward. perhaps it's due to the relationship you both have and from the times that you two barely spend time together.

but today seemed different. unlike before, Miyako seemed to be more talkative around you after the disagreement you had regarding being an idol.

“I'm sorry, [Name].” Miyako tried to clear the atmosphere. but the rest of the ride was in silence, almost deafening at that.

you didn't have any response to this. you had already given up from the start, or so you thought.

taking things slow, that's your current objective.

“I believe in you, good luck.” as soon as you arrived at the destination, you stepped out of the car.

brushing a hair strand to tuck it behind your ears, Miyako's lips lifted into a bittersweet smile. perhaps it was due to her stress. but despite that, you took her smile all whole-heartedly.

“Thank you, mom.” with the return of a heartwarming smile, Miyako gave you a gentle squeeze of a hug before you head inside.

the school didn't look all too fancy, it didn't look all too good-for-nothing either. just an average school to be precise.

the clanks of your shoes reverberated through the school halls as you made your way inside.

the campus looked almost empty, but you were still passing by a few students throughout the way. perhaps they were also here for the enrollment.

you fixated your gaze over the plates of each classroom you are passing by to look for the general program you'll enroll in. it didn't take long, you eventually stumbled upon the said room as you lined yourself up with the students who also seemed to be here for this strand.

there was nothing special about the area. the building was simply structured and barely furnished. the atmosphere was dull. but perhaps it's because it's a new opened school.

as you got done signing the papers and passing the qualifications and requirements for your enrollment, which took a toll of time, you returned outside the halls and started heading back into the direction from where you came from to head back home.

it was quick, the long line was what kept you in.

unlike earlier, the sun seemed to shine brighter now. the rays of it reflected through the hall windows and over your figure. it was almost blinding.

you were able to see the hallways more properly. now that it's lit up, it actually doesn't look that bad.

you made your way throughout the area, standing out in your proper school attire and your bag slinged in your back.

your mind was stirred with your current emotions of what you feel about your upcoming school year. your mood swinging from both anticipation and nervousness at the same time. even though it's just the same strand you chose in your past life.

almost drowning in your thoughts, you didn't notice the group of people you bumped on. specifically a girl that's facing the opposite direction.

they seemed to be arguing about something, or maybe that's what you thought.

“Oh?- are you alright?” the girl was startled and swiftly turned around to check you out. luckily, it was just a small bump so you managed to stay on your ground.

you were in daze by the familiarity of her voice. you blinked a couple of times to clear your sight, before taking in the figure of the girl, along with two other people with her.

the two that were right in front of you were lookalikes despite the opposite genders they are, they must be identical twins.

as for the other girl on their back, she was immediately silenced by the sight. she had scarlet orbs and hair locks unlike the two.

you felt the guy's gaze dart at you, as if examining your features. “..[Name]?” as well as the girl, the guy's voice also seemed all too familiar.

you were surprised by how he knew your name. and that's when it finally rang a bell, it was Aqua and Ruby.

“You guys..” was all you managed to mutter. you were still in shock by the sudden encounter. you didn't expect that you'd reunite with them here, out of all places.

considering the school attire they are also in, it was obvious that they are also enrolled for this school.

you can say that nothing much changed. they were still the twins that you knew.

Aqua is still as stoic as ever. his phlegmatic tone remains the same. Ruby, still a bundle of joy, much to your surprise.

Unlike Aqua, Ruby is still as talkative as ever when comparing the two, “Aw, is that all you have to say? it has been years!” to your surprise, the two seemed to still get along with you despite not seeing each other for years.

you indulged in a small conversation, mostly about updating yourselves about what happened over the years of being separated.

“So, what program did you take?” just as Aqua had decided to chime in, the atmosphere immediately shifted from someone clearing their throat. done on purpose.

that's when you remembered that the two were also with someone else.

“I'm still here, you know.” said the 'unknown' girl to ease the atmosphere, almost feeling bad for leaving her in the dark from the reunion of you three.

she had red locks with a length that extends to the central of her neck. as well as cerise doe eyes that somehow resembles Ruby's, which complements to the color scheme of her hair.

she had a navy blue beret on, unlike you, Ruby, and the rest of the females in the school. making her stand out.

“Well.. this is kind of a personal matter, [Name] is a friend that we haven't seen for years.”

you didn't expect for Aqua to respond, but you were glad that he is finally somehow being more open than letting Ruby do all the talking.

this earned a scoff from the girl, a name that is still unknown. “Maybe let me chime in at least.. maybe we can get along.”

although you appreciated the fact that this girl was willing to talk with you, you can't help but wonder if she only said that so she wouldn't feel left out.

setting your thoughts aside, you decided to conversate anyway.

“I'm [name].” there was no need for formalities, and so you decided to just simply introduce yourself by letting her know your name. you're awkward at starting conversations after all.

“I'm Kana!”

and without a word, the girl, who is named Kana now that you knew, slipped in between the twins to close the distance between the two of you.

she abruptly dragged you by the arm with a gentle grip, turning you two away from the twins as she whispered in your ear, “So.. are you and Aqua dating?”

this question caught you off guard, especially from someone you've barely met for an hour. not even for 15 minutes.

“huh? no, we're not.” you whispered back in a sheepish manner. you didn't even know why this girl, who is practically still a stranger, would ask this.

the situation was overly awkward. you felt the eyes of the twins watching both of you from behind.

“Really?” Kana exclaimed with a hint of enthusiasm in her tone, her voice now more audible that it was probably heard by the other two. shortly after the realization sinks in, she immediately clears her throat to brush the awkward atmosphere off.

“I- I mean, really?” she followed with her voice now less excited than before to cover her excitement up.

the two of you then turned back around after clearing Kana's question up, now facing the twins once more.

the twins glanced at each other's faces as if communicating by thoughts, confusion evident in their expressions. “What was that about?” asked Ruby, staring at the two of you intently.

“Nothing!~” said Kana, with the brightest smile on her face. “Don't tell them I asked you that, okay?” she whispered once more, in which you gave a nod of approval. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“For how long are you two going to keep on following me?” Aqua remarked in his usual tone.

― “Until you answer all my questions!” said Kana.

― “I'm not. I'm headed in the same direction.”

he simply hummed at the difference of your responses, spiced with a hint of displease from Kana's perseverance.

the two went on in their way with a small conversation, although it was mostly Kana just bombarding Aqua with questions.

you were headed for the same path as Aqua, it just happened that your destination was the same route as his.

throughout the entire conversation of the two, you were quiet. but you couldn't help but pique curiosity from their topic, especially from how persistent Kana is to suggest Aqua to continue acting.

so he used to be an actor? a child one at that. or so you thought.

“I'm headed that way, see you two.” you pointed in the opposite direction of two paths you three came across. this time, your route is now different from what they are taking. so you decided to inform them of your route before parting your ways.

“Wait! Why don't you come with us, [Name]? Aqua and I were just planning for a hangout so you might as well come,”

you abruptly stopped on your tracks from hearing Kana. you then turned around to face them again, an inviting expression on Kana's face in contrast to Aqua's impassive ones.

“No we're not.” Aqua remarked,

“Come on, Aqua! you haven't seen us both for a very long time!”

“My destination is not somewhere that will keep you two entertained.”

“As long as the three of us can hold a conversation..”

“Fine.”

it took a chunk of Kana's convincing before finally persuading Aqua into it. it made you wonder as to how she can even handle his unexpressive attitude.

she waved her hand at you to call you back. and so you decided to come along since you were free after all.

“Oh, Kana Arima. I haven't seen you in so long― and..? Aqua's girlfriend?”

almost choking from your own saliva, you cleared your throat awkwardly and as well as Aqua. do old people just often ask the most off-putting questions and embarrassing things?

“No, we're not. I'm a friend. That happened to end up here for a hangout.” you emphasized the word 'hangout', as if not expecting for it to occur in some strange old man's room. you didn't even know the guy.

with a chuckle, the man twisted his chair to face you three. “I see, I see. I was kidding.”

“That wasn't very funny..” said Kana who was patting your back to ease you from the coughing, the situation almost dramatic.

the room was then eventually beaming with a light atmosphere as you all conversed with general topics regarding your lives. such as school, relationships, and.. acting, which you cannot relate to.

but despite that, you all got along despite you just meeting the other two this day.

a while after for what seemed like an hour, you four were invited to dinner by an elderly woman that barged into the room, in which you all complied.

the dining table was in silence as you all fixated your attention on the food. but the silence was also broken from time to time with short paced conversations.

“So you still live off your parents, Director.” Kana remarked in the most casual tone.

'that wasn't his wife?..' you thought to yourself. it was bizarre to think about now that Kana mentioned it.

the dinner went on with them talking about the careers they used to have with acting. it seems that Kana was still in it, unlike Aqua who apparently already quit a long time ago.

of course, they made sure to include you in as well, asking you about your route in life and as well as your interest in acting.

and so you just found out that the man used to be a director.

hell, Kana even suggested you to be an actress with her.

she really is a persistent person. she even offered to give you a training after excusing yourself that you're not fond of acting. she seemed really desperate to have a friend with her.

if only they knew how talentless you were in your past life.

but that was in the past.. right?

even so, that fact deteriorated your self-esteem despite living in a new body that is probably way better than your previous one.

it didn't take long before the sun went down. only then you realized that you spent too much time in the hangout.

Miyako must be worried by now..

as you three dismissed yourself from the director's house, Kana parted her way. her dorm was in the opposite direction unlike you who's headed for the same destination with Aqua, which is the bus station.

the walk was quiet, considering the two of you are not fond of idle chit-chatting. but of course, the tension was less awkward with a few chats.

shortly after reaching the bus station, the both of you sat on the bench.

the next bus was the last, so it's only good that you two made it in time.

the surroundings were dark. the moonlight barely lit the ground, the only light source being the flickering street lamp that was beside the bench.

“I didn't know you did acting.” you suddenly commented to put a halt to the silence.

“Not for long. It's not my course.” Aqua simply remarked. he was still a tad replier up until now.

you were slightly taken in by surprise. throughout the hangout with Kana complimenting his skills, you didn't expect him to actually dislike acting.

“So you didn't take entertainment program?”

“I took general program. I wasn't even fit to act in the first place.”

“Shame.. I would've liked to see you perform.”

“Enough about me. You took the general program too, right?”

your face shifted into one of intrigue at Aqua's response. it was nice to finally have a talk with him after hours of just awkward greetings. much to your surprise, now that you two were alone.

“I did. It would be a good coincidence if we end up in the same batch!” this earned a hum from Aqua, not showing any signs of displease of having you as a classmate.

“Hm, you're right. But it seems less likely to happen considering the amount of those that applied.”

just as you two were finally conversing once again, the moment was interrupted when the bus had finally arrived.

you two rose up from your seats to quickly head inside, not wasting any matter of second in order to not miss the bus.

the vehicle immediately drove off as you two got in despite not even getting a seat. this caused you to almost stumble, in which you managed to stay on ground by holding onto a pole and with Aqua's hands firmly grasped in your arms from behind.

“Thank you―” you sheepishly remarked, returning with a simple nod from Aqua.

you two got further inside the bus, only realizing that all the seats were full.

that must be why the driver immediately drove off, because there were no seats left available.

just then, the driver abruptly stomped the brake, causing the both of you to stumble once again.

good thing the both of you were strong enough to stay on your grounds.

as the bus stopped, one passenger left his seat as he left the bus for his stop. the bus drove off again shortly after.

you two eyed the seat.

“You sit.” said Aqua, gently shoving you closer to the available seat. of course you couldn't refuse due to how exhausted you are from the day.

as you sat, Aqua stood beside you as he held onto the bus hanger for support.

the ride was surprisingly long. and the silence was frequently broken with small talks.

you shared stories, emotions, and laughter― well, something Aqua didn't reciprocate to say the least.

he was still as stoic as ever. but that's what makes him recognizable from all the people you know. and somehow, with that distinctive demeanor of his, it reminds you of someone. 'what was his name again?..' you couldn't quite remember his name, but his face was still as clear as skies in your mind. all that you know is that it was someone in your past life.

it didn't take long before you reached your stop. you were first to get off the bus before Aqua.

“See you, Aqua.” you waved your goodbye and rose up from your seat, stealing one last glance on him.

“See you, [Name].” he returned. as you eyed your gaze on him, you noticed the faint smile that lifted up on his lips. one you've never seen from him before.

maybe you only stereotyped him of not having emotions at all, that he's unexpressive.

now you found out that he actually is, well, except for his friends.

but with all those thoughts aside, you can't help but notice how good he looked with a smile. almost charismatic.

“You should smile more often. You'd get a lot of girls.” you playfully remarked with the smuggest look you had.

his face immediately shifted back into his neutral one, as if masking his smile. in which you found kind of funny.

“Is anyone going or not?” the driver eventually spoke, impatiently tapping his foot on the bus floor as if a sign to skip the stop if no one's going down.

not wasting anymore time, you quickly got off the bus. and with a few studs of walk, you finally arrived back at home. mind at ease from having to reunite with your friend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @lumiriai, @miyakoa, @dododododooosworld, @kimiko-the-angel, @fukumiai, @kat-kaps, @karma-gisa

[stusbunker]

Spotless: Cuivré

Chapter Ten

Featuring: Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean/Bela

Other characters: Sam, faceless paparazzi

Word Count: 1873

Warnings, etc: Mutual pining, family stuff, Dean and Bela go out, I ran out of time for more smut, I'm sorry! unbeta'd

Series Masterlist

Dean chewed his cheesesteak and waited for Sam to spill what they were really doing out to lunch in this out-of-the-way place ten minutes from the studio where he and Ash had been wrapping up production. Sam had grown more stoic over the past year or so, walking on eggshells around Dean’s temper would do that to anyone, even if they’d had the experience of growing up with John’s.

Not to say Dean hadn’t appreciated Sam keeping most of his opinions to himself as Dean figured out just who he wanted to be, to become. Because Sam was a bit of a whiner and Dean really couldn’t argue with himself and Sam and still feel like he was gaining ground. The kid had always been too smart. Adam too, if he was being honest, but he wasn’t there. Adam hadn’t gotten to see first hand the destructive spiral Dean had thrown himself into and thank God for that, because he still thought Dean was someone worth emulating.

“What’s up?” Dean broke the stalemate between Sam and his salad.

Sam took a bite and Dean had to stop himself from rolling his eyes at the clear procrastination. He huffed and shoved his sandwich into his mouth letting the melding of meat, cheese, and juice-soaked-bread nearly make up for his brother being a shit.

Sam stretched out his neck and swallowed thickly, taking a sip of his water before he finally spit it out. “Kate called, she needs to know when we’ll be home and how long we’ll be back.”

Dean sighed. “What did you say?”

Sam leaned over his bowl. “That’d I’d talk to you and let her know.”

Dean nodded and set his sandwich down to pull out his phone. His calendar was a mess, uncompleted reminders and bright colors of things he didn’t really have a say in most days. The blue of the date with Bela the following night was something he’d been looking forward to, though. He scrolled out to see the whole month.

“I’ve got nothing after the eighteenth. Bela’s going home for the holidays so won’t have to worry about her until New Years. What’s Madison doing?”

Sam huffed. “Dude, don’t lump them together like they’re equals.”

Dean raised his eyebrows and pinched his lips shut. He could wait out Sam’s brattiness better than most.

“Dude, come on. My actual girlfriend will be flying home to Ohio for like the three days the shelter’s closed to the public, otherwise she still has to work.”

“Was that so hard?”

“Fuck off, Dean. When do you want to leave?”

“I really don’t want to go at all, but I miss the kid,” Dean said honestly, taking another obnoxious bite. Two could play at that game.

“Yeah, but it’s been awhile since we did the whole home-for-the-holidays thing. Plus, we can stop and see Ellen, meet up with Garth or somebody.”

Dean nodded as he chewed, gesturing to his phone. “When do you think we should leave? Thinking what, three days out, two back?”

“We could do two and two, weather permitting,” Sam offered.

Dean looked at his fries when he added, “we’re going through Flagstaff. I’m not driving through Utah if I don’t have to.”

Sam leered at him. “I doubt that will be any better, but I don’t really care as long as you don’t bitch about my car the whole way.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. You’re the bitch anyhow,” Dean grinned sarcastically before stuffing his face with the last third of his sandwich in one go.

“Jerk,” Sam muttered and continued to stab at his salad. Neither of them stated the obvious, that Dean’s route avoided Vegas, Utah really had nothing to do with it.

Bela’s townhouse was only a fifteen minute drive from Dean and Sam’s house once she finally gave in and gave him her address. He pulled up to the curb with the freshly waxed Impala and his oldest leather jacket. He slid out of the driver’s seat and clocked the corners, seeing if he had any nibblers as he popped his collar and locked the door.

They were going to go big this time, an entire night out on the town. Dean had been too busy recording and they didn’t want to lose any momentum with them both traveling for the holidays. At least, that’s how you sold it. And Bela was more than willing to set the itinerary. Dean, surprisingly, went along with it, as long as he got to drive, which ensured he wouldn’t be imbibing too heavily and could make the call to escape whenever he saw fit.

Dean felt every inch a rockstar as he strolled up to Bela’s door, knocking instead of texting to announce his arrival. She left him out there for almost five minutes before buzzing him in, but he took it in stride.

Bela’s place was nice in an untouched kind of way, it was all huge white walls and seamless floorboards and regular maid visits. Sure, Dean and Sam used a cleaning lady, but it was more due to the size of their place than appearances. Dean still washed his own damn dishes.

He was stunned when she rounded the corner, bare shoulders and lean neck, her natural beauty more accessible than the last time he saw her. He whistled quietly, taking in her pristine white pants and silver slip of a camisole. 

“You cut your hair,” Dean said, surprised.

“Yes?” Bela’s face scrunched up as if she was afraid for his mental capacity.

“It looks nice, fresh,” Dean added, stepping into her space and leaving a peck on her cheek. “Almost ready?”

She swayed a little and rested her temple against his jaw, his hands automatically found her hips. “Anybody out there?”

“Not that I noticed, but trust me, the car will turn some heads,” Dean reassured, palms hugging the little meat on her.

Bela groaned. “Fine! Let’s go.”

Dean smirked when she eyed the car, holding the door open for her as she sank on to the vinyl. She would die before admitting he was right, so he revved the engine a little before pulling into traffic.

The restaurant was down the street from a new club Dean had heard about and he knew a guy so he was able to get Baby properly valeted for the interim. Walking would get them more coverage, even if it was only two blocks. But until then he had to stand and wait at the coat check, Bela’s coat that perfectly matched her pants was draped over his arm while she checked her makeup or whatever it was that girls did in the bathroom. He had asked Charlie before, for insider information, but she just shook her head at him. And, well, you really didn’t seem like the type to go in packs.

“Alright then?” Bela asked, bringing Dean back to the present.

“Right as rain,” Dean said smugly, holding open Bela’s coat for her to slip into. “Hey, I was meaning to ask you, uh, does Trouble know about us? About the limo?”

Bela turned sharply, bright eyes cutting as she searched his face for something, maybe to see if he was joking, maybe to see if she’d heard him right. “Is she supposed to?”

Dean shrugged, holding out his elbow for her to take as they headed outside.

“I thought that was something girls talked about with their best friends, all the gory details,” Dean emphasized the last two words.

Bela leaned in to speak quieter, “I don’t know if you’re fishing for compliments or if you’re being intentionally obtuse.”

Dean chuckled self-deprecatingly. “Both, it’s always good to assume both.” 

“Right. Well, I don’t think you’d like to hear about Sam’s abilities and conquests in detail, would you?”

Dean spotted the camera before the photographer, but he smirked and leaned tighter into Bela’s side. “What’s Sammy got to do with this?”

Bela laughed, loud and bright, it didn’t even feel like she was acting, but Dean felt the flinch as the flashes started. The sidewalk erupted as people spotted them, most moving out of their way, some still shoving past, annoyed. He had thought about bringing Benny along, just in case, but it shouldn’t be that much of an issue, it wasn’t a concert-sized crowd. 

Dean prayed he wasn’t wrong.

He took Bela’s elbow in his other hand and wrapped his right arm around her waist instead, keeping her close, safe. But outwardly, he remained cool, easy smiles and murmuring to her as if in secret. The conversation dropped as they slipped past the VIP line and into the side entrance of the club. Again, because Dean knew a guy, not because either of them were that famous. They wouldn’t have to do this song and dance if they were.

“You good?” Dean asked as soon as they were alone.

“Peachy,” Bela replied, excitement dancing in her eyes as she darted past him towards the nearest bar, calling over her shoulder, “drink?”

Dean rolled his eyes and fought to catch up. They talked, and danced and made painful small talk with the other people in VIP. Dean ignored the knowing glances from a gaggle of twenty-somethings in the corner. Hell, it was LA, they were probably older than him anyway.

Bela came back with another drink for herself and a tonic with lime for Dean, keeping up the front. She draped herself against his side after setting their drinks down. “You’re brooding again,” she warned him.

Dean couldn’t help but smile. “Am I now? Couldn’t be from you being cryptic on the way in here, huh?”

She tipped her chin and looked at him with the full force of her eyes. “Dean? Don’t be an idiot. I didn’t tell Y/N about fooling around with you because I didn’t think she’d want to hear it, especially the details. She says you think of her as a little sister, I wouldn’t want to scar her beyond belief.”

Dean licked his lips, his stomach was somewhere on the dancefloor below. “She said that? That she thinks of me as her brother?”

Bela pulled back and patted his chest. “I think it’s what she thinks you do. Why? Is there something else going on I should know about?”

Dean tensed, sure they were more or less alone up there in their little corner of the VIP, but this wasn’t the place for this kind of conversation. “You’ve been friends with her for a while, has she ever told you about Jo?”

“You mean the best friend from high school who she lost in the accident?” Bela matched his solemness.

“Yeah— I guess you know, but, uh, she was my girlfriend when she—,” Dean always had trouble talking about this, it’s why Missouri still didn’t know it all.

“And Y/N just went and set you up with another best friend, like she was playing dolls?” Bela asked, trying to suss out what had Dean so on edge.

Damn.

Dean hadn’t thought about it that way. Maybe you had different intentions than just business. Maybe Dean had been reading the tension pouring off of you all wrong. Maybe he was just some hapless big brother to you after all.

Bela's look

Tagging:

@deans-spinster-witch

@mrswhozeewhatsis

@cosicas-cuquis

@fics-pics-andotherthings-i-like

@suckitands33

@ladysparkles78

@deans-baby-momma

@stoneyggirl2

@sassy-pelican

@leigh70

@globetrotter28

@winharry

@lastactiontricia

@rockhoochie

Chapter Eleven: Eco

[muriels-brainrot]

૮꒰ “ . . ꒱ა

{Referencing this post: https://www.tumblr.com/muriels-brainrot/755439602787139584/how-do-you-cope-with-the-fandom-being-so?source=share }

Forgive me if I'm intruding but I recently came across some very helpful advice which I think is quite insightful.

To set the scene, before I found this advice, I myself was struggling with staying consistent with art. This time however, I had decided that no I won't keep procrastinating. SO, in my attempt to find resources, I stumbled onto this video. Now suddenly it all began to make sense. The reason I was struggling was not because i'm lazy and horrible and lacking motivation. Rather it was because I had outcome related goals. TLDR: I was focused on the outcome (wow rlly iri we didn't know that's what outcome related goals meant pfft-)

Anyways so, instead of focusing on the process, I was instead focusing on the end product aka the finished drawing. Ofc I'm a beginner so I wouldn't look like I wanted to. Not bad but it wouldn't be what I wanted so i'd get frustrated and eventually give up on drawing . . . before inevitably returning with my tail between my legs cause I still rlly want to get better.

Honestly, it's natural and normal for these feeling to occur, because like you said we pour so much time and dedication. Not to mention heart and soul to make these creative projects that it feels almost personal when it doesn't get engagement. But if there is something i'd like for you to know, it's that it rlly helps if you take enjoyment in the process. Draw inspiration from odd places and craft scenarios.

Don't write for others, or the cliche of writing for yourself but rather think of it as you sharing your brainrot with ur future self haha. Write stuff that you'd wanna read yourself! (then come back to read it like a crazy person at the dead of night . . . wait, don't tell me that just me-)

Just . . . let your brain do its thing! Let your brain create instead of letting the ideas and projects fester in your head. Keep growing your skill because you never know, these might be the very thing that comes in handy later on in life. Think of singers like Sabrina carpenter who was niche (I mean to say not worldwide popular yknow, but u get my point) for a long time. However, if you look at her now that she's gone viral, it's the hard work during the years she spent creating with most of the world with their backs to her that is the sole reason she continues to be so well known for her . . . well, everything! (For example: She is extremely comfortable on stage while performing and looks like she's in her element even with thousands of eyes on her . . . it's cause she's been performing for almost 10 years I think.)

So, to both anon and anyone else reading this, pls keep creating stuff. Especially passion projects. Even if you feel like you're screaming into a void. You'll only get better IF you continue. Also, you never know maybe there is someone out there that really enjoys your work. Even if it's one person, that still someone out there that keeps coming back just for your work. This silly tangent I went on, won't completely get rid of all the thoughts and feelings . . . but it's a start. Hope this helps . . .

(Example: I always find myself coming back to this artwork by @cinsilly cause Asra's expression here is so funny. No not once a week but every few days oops- )

Oh my god thank you!! I'll post my thoughts in the comments. But it was honestly v cool of you to share this, the only thing that keeps me together in any fandom is knowing we're not alone in feeling this way :'> !!!

[xxskyethetiredemoxx]

Intro Post

Name: Skye

Age: 16

Pronouns: he/him

Gender: male

Sexuality: pansexual

Member of @cherry-medicine-hate-group

Hobbies and interests:

Music (I sing and play guitar, and I love listening to music constantly)

Drawing

Writing

Reading (I'm currently reading The Shining, by Stephen King)

Doctor Who (best show in existence)

DIY clothes

Things I want to get into doing:

Filmmaking and media production

Languages (I'm wanting to learn French, Spanish, and Polish, but I'm procrastinating)

Learning new instruments

Bands and artists I like:

My Chemical Romance

Bring Me The Horizon

NOAHFINNCE

Destroy Boys

YUNGBLUD

Evanescence

Palaye Royale

Pierce The Veil

Green Day

Black Flag

Paramore

The Misfits

Against Me!

GHØSTKID

The Used

TX2

Sex Pistols

Citizen Soldier

Icon for Hire

St Terrible

Madina Lake

Slipknot

And a lot of others, but those are some of my favourites

More info (DNI, tags, some things I post about, more info about me) under the cut

DNI: racists, homophobes, transphobes, TERFs, Israel supporters, sexists, anyone who hates other people for their religion or lack thereof, basically any bigots.

This is a pro Palestine blog, and I post fundraisers for Palestinians who need help due to their situations, so if you have money to donate, please check the fundraisers on my page.

DMs and asks are open, I will block anyone who sends weird or hateful messages. I do not send pictures of myself, and will most likely block anyone who asks me for pictures or says anything that makes me uncomfortable.

I sometimes post vents, but I always put tws and tag them in case people don't wanna see them.

My tagging system:

#skye talks about stuff is my generic tag for any original posts or when I add to reblogs

#skye talks about emo shit & #skye is emo af are for emo related stuff

#skye needs therapy & #skye vents are for vent posts

#asks is for asks (obviously)

#i love my mutuals is anything related to my mutuals

#skye talk about politics is for political posts

#skye is gay af is for lgbtq+ posts

#music is life is for anything music related

#skye talks about punk shit is for punk related stuff

#diy is life is for my diy projects

#skye reblogs is for when I reblog posts

#skye does art is for my art

I haven't always had this tagging system, so any posts before (and a lot on) 12th October 2024 don't have this

I live in the UK, but I was born in Spain, and I'm half Polish. I was home schooled until I was 14, when I started my GCSEs.

I have been told by everyone I know that I most likely have ADHD and autism, but I haven't been able to get diagnosed. I struggle a lot with my mental health and trauma.

I have a little sister, she's two years younger than me. She's starting her GCSEs now. I live with her, my parents, and my amazing cat

I'm doing a levels, my subjects are Psychology, Biology, and Criminology. I'm somehow really good at making friends, but I'm also really good at getting people to hate me. And usually it's for no real reason.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm like really emo.

Credit for dividers used @fawndollie

[prettyhopemachine]

executive function strategies / focus-enhancing techniques

pls feel free to reblog or comment ur own!

Pomodoro Method 🍅

25 minute interval of focusing + 5 minute break x2

followed by a 25 minute interval of focusing + 15 minute break

repeat!

you only have to focus for a set amount of time!

& it gamifies your work

I use Pomofocus but there are other sites and apps as well !

Note: You can lower these time intervals to something more accessible at first! If 2 or 5 minutes feels more achievable, start there.

Body Doubling 💑

I usually get a friend who also needs to work on call

This can also be in the form of having a study with me stream on, working in a café, or being around someone in person.

The accountability and parallel play is very effective for me, even if we are not actively collaborating or speaking!

Break Down Tasks 🔨

This is very important to neurodivergent folks.

I think about it like a computer program. When you explicitly list each step of a process, in its simplest steps, it does a significant amount of work for your brain before you've even started.

So make a list of steps for your individual tasks, breaking them down.

Rituals 🕯️

This can be whatever you want it to be!

Light candles, play a specific order of songs, chewing gum.

Doing these before each work session can make connections in your brain that improves focus and memory.

Note: This is a great gateway to Habit Stacking as well. This is a method outlined in Atomic Habits in which you link new habits to existing ones. For example, after making a cup of coffee, as you already may do every morning, you sit down to plan or review tasks.

Productive Procrastinating 🫣

This is admittedly not always a good idea...but it works!

Basically, it's having a list of things I need to do, and choosing to do something less urgent instead of the biggest or most important project first.

This can help relieve some of the pressure in starting a work sesh and create momentum!

For example, instead of immediately starting that 5 page essay due tonight...I might exercise or clean for 10 minutes first.

May or may not be what I'm doing right now.

[thebluntstudent]

FIVE TIPS FOR STUDYING WHEN ILL OR OTHERWISE INCONVENIENCED...

disclaimer: when at all possible, you should always prioritise physical and mental wellbeing over a good grade. If you are seriously ill to the point where it is heavily impeding your capacity to study, you are not fit to take an exam, or write an essay, and I hope your educational institute has measures for exceptional circumstances/extensions/deferrals to allow you to do so! Alas, it isn't always possible to do the ideal thing in life, and that is where my experience comes into play.

°•☆•°

Sometimes you find yourself in a crappy predicament a couple weeks before an essay is due, or an exam is scheduled, and you find yourself slipping further away from the stacl of textbooks on your desk, and closer to the comforts of your bed and the rest you really wish you had the time to make the most of.

Right now, my hormones are currently out of whack in a way that could meaning anything from (the most likely cause) PCOS to perimenopause at 22 to plenty of other less likely possibilities I'd rather not dwell on. This means that sitting up for more than 5-10 minutes in the same position sends my abdomen into spasms and sharp pains, and generally existing hour to hour is a painful, emotional, hot-flush filled experience.

That being said, I have an exam in a few days, and since deferral is not an option for me (this is my last attempt, I can't take any more time off of uni, my last attempt was last year during a period of several losses that occurred on an interruption year I had taken due to burn-out and unresolved trauma sliding into my life- you get where I'm going with the 'sometimes life is a bitch and your general and academic life can't be pretty and pristine' bit) I have been doing my best to balance comfort and productivity in a way that helps me look out for what I need right now whilst still getting in as much revisiom as I'm able to.

So! I thought I'd share my little tips for building a comfy study space when conditions are not ideal but you still gotta keep moving:

• abandon the 'do not study in bed' tip, but only for as long as it helps you as opposed to hindering you. I have tried sittimg up at a desk with pillows and blankets swathing me- and all I get for it is hefty back pain and constant awkward readjustments every time I start heating up or shift around in my seat too much. If you're ill, you aren't doing yourself any good sitting hunched over a desk either- and frankly your sleep is probably going to be buggered until you're feeling better anyways. So, if sitting at a desk is putting you off, prop up some pillows, rest your writing materials on a hard surface (a folder, an A4 hardback- a chopping board works for a cute wannabe lap desk too), and set a zone of your bed aside (or just use a bedside cabinet if you have one) for anything you'll be using fairly often- by which I mean stationary, textbooks you'll be using over the course of the next hour or so- just enough stuff to save you constantly getting up out of your comfy study bubble.

• listen to tesco: every little helps. What I like to do to get myself going when I'm feeling naff- which works also if you're simply having a difficult time focusing yourself for the day- is to do micro pomodoro sessions, where I'll dedicate myself to 5 minutes minimum of focused study. If I really can't bring myself to continue longer than 5 minutes, I'll let myself rest for a little while (up to 20-30 minutes) before getting myself to do another micro session. This may not seem very productive, but you are more likely to do a good hour of work on a bad day when you tell yourself you only need to do little 5 minute sessions, than procrastinating studying because you feel as if you'll have to sit up and focus for a much longer period of time for it to count. Every. Little. Helps. In 5 minutes you can run through a topic of flash cards, do a slide of lecture notes, answer small exam questions, do a page or two of readings- and on a good day, that 5 minutes might turn into 10 with a small break, then 15, then you'll find yourself picking up your regular pace in no time! But again, even 5 minutes, just one little session, is a win when the world is throwing hurdles at you <3

• maximise your comfort: you know the little things that bring you joy, and you don't habe to be rolling in cash to surround yourself with little things to keep you going when all you want to do is sleep. My current comforts are the loyal presence of my cat next to me, a few old blankets I can swaddle myself in to stare at the ceiling when my ovaries are throwing a tantrum, a little variety of teas (currently rocking a chai latte with home bargains vanilla syrup, girl gotta have her sweet relief), a pack of energy drinks, some painkillers, and a little incense tray nearby that I forget to use 70% of the time (though the remaining 30% makes up for that). None of this is in particular mandatory- if it were, the dog people of the world would be doomed. The point is, find your little comforts- an activity you can do from the comfort of your bed like a puzzle, sensory toy or just a book to doodle in, a certain type of drink or snack you really love, some smellies (perfume, incense, candles, wax melts, and so on), supplies for whatever ails you- little personal things to relax you whilst you try to gather your energy.

• Now is not the time to push it. I tend to find the times in which I am most likely to push myself past my limits are the times in whicj something is inhibiting me- the frustration of being bed-bound, fatigued due to chronic conditions, etc tends to make me feel even more than usual that I am not doing enough because of my awareness of my present restrictions. Though this post is about pusning through bad times, you should be doing so with self-compassion, and with the mindset that every little bit you achieve in your current state is a win, a bonus, even if you find yourself unable to work to the same standard as normal. You aren't well- you aren't supposed to be functioning at 100% because your body is only functioning at 50%, and if you want to get back to your regular stressed student self you need to rest! Remember that a slightly lower grade than you were expecting in the short-term is not a reflection on your character, and it's better to *be* better for the long-term than to work yourself into a ditch and burn-out when you are already at a low point.

• If healthy study you is a carefully rehearsed play, then sick study you is a completely improvised show. Don't knock the analogy, even if it is silly and obscure- when I am at my peak, I will time-block my studies, plan to do certain topics on certain days, do 30-5 or 50-10 study sessions, work during a set period from the morning to the mid afternoon.

When I am ill, I do not know when I will be unable to sit up to work. I do not know when I will be able to sleep, to stomach food, to concentrate- so I have to accept that the normal routines that keep me consistent have to be chucked in the bin for the time being. Instead of planning my whole day, I create a vague, rough outline of the next few things I want to get done. This way, I don't feel crushed when I start working on lecture notes and find myself flat out on my back crying 10 minutes later- I just pick up where I left off when I'm ready, and work in increments from there.

°•☆•°

Right now my sleep is a bit fudgy because of night sweats/panics and p a i n, and by building a cosy space and letting my plans adapt to my body's needs I've managed to get 3 hrs of lecture notes, 2 sets of flashcards, and a set of logic practise questkons done over night between 8pm-4:30am. If I had tried to stick to my regular 'good day' study routine, I don't think I would have lasted 15 minutes before giving up and crawling over to youtube with a bowl of white chocolate and a horlicks in hand.

It is this kind of adaptability to external conditions that allowed me to survive an unstable home situation during college that meant weeks without wifi, constantly moving between different homes and constant fear of eviction due to family debts I was too young to do anything about- and allowed me to get into the top university in London* as a working class girly from a council estate.

I was given the opportunity to do an extra year at college for free due to these circumstances and a great support network within the institute to make sure I got into the specific university that I wanted to, and I had to take an interruption after my firdt yesr of university because I am not a super-human, and I knew my limits- but I'm still going, and the time away I've had has paid off and gotten me back to my scrappy, chaotic, passionately nerdy self.

You can be messy and be a good student too- and you can get through the worst of times with a little adaptability, perseverance, a good support network and a little self care ♡

*Times Good University Guide, 2024.

[wonderwithin-us]

The dream you're looking for is in the work you're avoiding ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Guess who got their phone broken 💗 but it's alright, it's all ok now & I noted down all I did in the past 3 days. My exams were a little bad, really bad to be completely honest, but it's alright, it was my first time giving exams this semester and I learnt what I need to do.

11th of July, 2023 💕

100 days of productivity — day 5, week 1

Economic exam preparation ~ I was so confused, there were so many concepts I'd missed because of my sickness but I tried YouTube and notes online. Procrastination really did get the best of me. I need to lessen my use of insta, seriously, I think Tumblr is more safe in that regard.

Microeconomics — Introduction & Consumer's Equilibrium

Statistics — Introduction & Organisation of Data

I need to work on my graphs, practice more and overall concepts of microeconomics. Also, clear up my concepts on stats. It's easy, but revision is needed.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

12th of July, 2023

100 days of productivity — day 6, week 1

Economics exam, yikes. Next exam was Psych the next day, so I was really nervous because I wanted to score well in it! ❣️

However.

Procrastination got to me, again. I studied for a while then thought it was too easy and I could do it at night, which, evidently, I couldn't.

I think rather than seeing easy topics as something to skip studying or take easy, I should put more effort in them so I can get them perfect and let it pay back to me.

What is Psychology? & Methods of Enquiry

I need to work on my basic concepts, esp in ch-2, and notes. Visual learning works best for me, and making my own notes is essential to my learning 📖

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

13th of July, 2023

100 days of productivity — day 7, week 1

Dear god, I think my psych exam was the most terrible. Which hurt me the most.

I really did lose hope after this. Not only did my incredibly unclear concepts and no notes not help, but the exam was extremely tough, the questions were really vague and I didn't understand them, and the worst of all, I literally forgot I had a whole section to do as objective even after rechecking. I lost 5 marks from that, maybe more.

That really hurt.

Tomm was English exam! I had seen what had happened in the last papers, so I really worked hard here.

I mostly focused on literature, since the creative writing formats were mostly very easy and took less than an hour.

Chapters with details are hard!

Anyways, I was really anxious until the end, and kept a few detailed chapters to the morning after to revise.

I really need to work on studying chapters I've missed before the exams come. It was so messy and frustrating trying to understand all these chapters with online notes and summaries, especially when the chapters are so open ended and the teacher is so strict with answers 💌

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

14 of July, 2023

100 days of productivity — day 8, week 2

WAR!!! IS!!! OVER!!!!

Final exam day, I was nervous but it was actually quite alright!

I absolutely need to work on my speed, though.

Also, I almost always exceeded the word limit in answers. So, I need to practice my creative writing more, not just in my head, but actually on paper, and be more perfectionist in my answers in literature.

I went out with my big brother to eat street food and it was all very lovely 🍝

I also wrote a lot of poetry, which I'm really quite proud of. I also received some really good news! 💕

New week! The first week was really, really overwhelming, and I don't want my future self to end up like that again. It was exhausting and hurtful and I want to get better.

In the end, I've got a lot of stuff to work with and I'm really proud of my self to survive all this! ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* I hope nothing but peace upon my future.

[heavenb3nt]

This song is about doctor who and HERE’S WHY‼️

“Don’t cry for your daughters eve” (the song) is very koschei and theta coded. Not necessarily their relationship (though that comes into everything, they are permanently intertwined whether they like it or not) but how the time lords used both of them, it’s way easier to see with theta, what with the timeless child arc.

They are the reason the time lords have the ability to regenerate, they, unwillingly and as a product of abuse, have them life. And how do they repay them? Exile. Treating them like shit over and over again, deeming them a failure and disappointment, all of the high ups on gallifrey berating them at any given opportunity (though, as we see in hell bent, they do have the support of plenty of the less wealthy and influential of gallifey. Definitely something to be said there) they are the unwilling creator of gallifreyan society (definitely not their fault, tectuen made all the choices and is responsible for doing this, but she fucked off and now dealing with the aftermath falls to the doctor, as if always does) don’t cry for your daughters? Don’t cry for gallifey

I could go through the whole song but I’m writing this while procrastinating so take a few things I want to note:

“Punished for another's mess // So you'll take the fall�� tectuen made all the choices but the consequences are now the doctor’s to deal with

“Easy to lay the blame onto her alter as mother dies // And dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and // Dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and dies and dies” If you don’t see the parallel I encourage you to think abt the timeless children for like a second. They, again unwillingly, died so the time lords could benefit, and they do nothing but blame them relentlessly.

The doctor is eve of gallifey and it sucks for everyone! The common people of gallifrey aren’t enjoying this either, sure they have regeneration but their society is ran entirely by the most corrupt and incompetent people the planet has to offer

OKAY ABOUT THE MASTER NOW.

So I would say for a start the song can be seen as like the master speaking to the doctor in many lines:

“I was frozen couldn't move from my seat // You think you'd be a saviour but can't do as you preach // Eve I'm sorry you must take the fall for their shame // I'd help you but I risk taking your place” like. Gestures. His reaction to ttc information -> anger at everyone involved -> realisation -> acknowledgment he’s benefited from her suffering

However‼️ I also think the song reflects the time lords treatment of koschei himself [hbomberguy voice] and here’s why.

The end of time was 2010. We knew about the time lords abuse of the master before we heard about ttc.

(People love to forget this when going “the time lords wouldn’t do that..” girl child abuse is their hobby)

Rassilon sent the signal of the drumbeat back in time to just, sit there and torture them for like a thousand years until it was needed, now the plan failed, which so did tecteuns, I doubt she wanted gallifrey burnt (if she cared). But ignoring that, the master was driven insane for the sake of the time lords salvation, a thousand years into the future. He was also treated horrendously on gallifrey, he also ran away. He says his childhood was a life of duty. Not the words of someone who had a pretty okay time actually.

Going through some lyrics time.

“The court is gathered //Judge sits low // But round the room // The jury know // Gods not gonna help you now my girl” (also applies to the doctor. You guys remember trail of a time lord??) anyone remember rassilons council literally planning this? Like, we SAW rassilon decide to put the signal in the masters head. And no one was gonna object. He was condemned to madness by a group who didn’t know him, didn’t care, only had their self interest in mind.

“Legions of daughters those that you fought for happily curse your name now” the war master existed. And although he wasn’t selfless by ANY means, he didn’t want the time lords to lose (i actually haven’t listened to the audios yet I’ll make a correction if necessary <3) and although no fighting was involved, he did carry their salvation (the drumbeat) his entire life, he went day to day with rassilons “ultimate sanction” in his HEAD. And all they got was called insane, not only did the council explicitly say he was insane, in classic he’s been condemned by the time lords, and in EU he was PUT IN AN ASYLUM. ON GALLIFREY. Following his attempts to kill rassilon after the end of time. They don’t just put him in prison or kill him or exile him, they deliberately reinforce that he’s mad, which THEY CAUSED.

“Villainize victims slave to a system collecting kindling for our kin” they are a victim of gallifrey, overtly and undeniably. That is definitely not to excuse their actions nor are they more so a victim than the doctor, it’s incomparable, but they definitely suffered intense cruelty from the time lords at like every turn. They are villain (and it’s COOL) but the time lords had a hand in creating him that way, he also brought their propaganda in a way the doctor didn’t, he does follow some of their beliefs, he looks down on humans and thinks he’s better by virtue of his species.

They spent their whole life up until escaping the asylum (saxon regeneration) which was, according to one account, their 18th regeneration. They definitely were a slave to the system, and they helped their torturers, they HELPED the time lords they tried to save them even if it was for selfish reasons, and they got fuck all for it.

TLDR: Time lords love exploitation and history revisionism to a degree that feels religious in nature. Gallifrey is an exercise in one big generational trauma rooted in child abuse and colonialism, the doctor their creator and discarded and the master their salvation and discarded. Neither of them should cry for gallifrey nor the time lords, despite the fact that regular gallifreyans ALSO suffered because of these decisions, theta and koschei have been both eve and the daughters

ALSO LISTEN TO THE SONG

[siomae]

lessons learned ☕ winter 2024

i have completed the winter quarter!! yay!! i want to reflect on some lessons that i learned during the winter quarter.

🍞 do!! not!! procrastinate!! — i say this to myself every quarter, but this time, i am properly addressing it so that i can avoid procrastination in the next quarter. i had a bad habit of putting my assignments off at the last minute, or turn them in late if late work is accepted. i used to be impressed by my ability to finish a written assignment 30 minutes before the due time, but now i realize that the rush is just not worth it! i want to create work with quality that i can be proud of. better time management and self-discipline will make my next quarter much less stressful.

🍞learn to adapt — different subjects require different methods of learning. what works for one subject, does not always work for others. don't waste time "studying" if your study methods are not actually effective!! figure out which strategies result in better outcomes and focus on that.

🍞communicate with professors — this is especially important if i am taking online classes. one of my main struggles since starting college was not connecting with my professors. the lack of communication makes it so much more difficult to eventually reach out when i need help. go to office hours!! they have it available for students for a reason. advocate for yourself!!

🍞take advantage of resources provided by your school — my school offers free tutoring for students. i haven't visited the tutoring center because i wasn't sure how to ask for help. but i expect that i will need a lot of help next quarter to keep up with the learning material. i will make use of the tutoring services next quarter!

🍞remove distractions — i did a phone detox for a weekend and found that it was the most productive i have been in a long time! i will make an effort to be more conscious of my phone usage. having the discipline to actually turn off my phone and put it in a different room to avoid the temptation of checking my notifications.

🍞sleep! — i'm guilty of revenge bedtime procrastination! sacrificing my sleep for leisure time is not worth the tiredness i feel the next day. again, better time management will lead to more healthy habits.

🍞make time for friends — i learned that i shouldn't isolate myself for too long. studying can get lonely, especially during exam season when i get caught up in studying for long periods. i will try to schedule some time to socialize! it doesn't have to be a long schedule: it can be a quick coffee or lunch for good measure. having some positive interactions helps get me through the stress of school!

i'll be working harder next quarter to make sure that i don't continue having these issues! good luck to everyone taking finals!! 💌