#also maybe there is a better way to do this??? idk I’m just making things up😭😭😭
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✨MASTERLIST✨
(fanart, longfics, oneshots)
Welcome to my blog!!! Here is my masterlist of ALL of my little sketches, artwork, writing, and general brainrot related to Hogwarts Legacy💘
🌿 - Madeleine / Maddy / myokk
🌱 - AO3
🌿 - likes and follows come from my main blog, @oerflink, because this is a sideblog (🥲)
🌱 - Eloise Babbit, my MC and basically the whole reason for this blog🫶 I don’t necessarily view her as the game’s MC, as my fic is quite canon-divergent and she is sweeter than the evil gremlin I played in-game😆💓 [link to her character sheet]
🌿 - my art tag🫶🫶🫶 here you can see basically every drawing I've done since joining the fandom!
Writing:
Before It Felt Like A Sin (AO3 / tumblr - ongoing)
Sebastian Sallow x F!MC, canon divergent, longfic, wip, dual pov Eloise/Sebastian
Summary: Eloise never wanted to be different.
And yet, her differences are what have defined her life up until this point: growing up as a squib in one of the most prominent wizarding families, being exiled to muggle society, and then attending Hogwarts at the age of sixteen.
She finds herself thrust into the life she should have been prepared for from birth but was denied. As she navigates this new life and her new precarious position in her family, she must come to terms with the fact that maybe what she dreamed of her whole life isn't turning out how she ever expected it would.
Tags: slow burn, angst, magical theory, mythology references, pureblood culture, occlumency, legilimency, hurt/comfort, family dynamics, eventual romance, eventual smut, sacrificial magic, blood magic, dark magic rituals, implied/referenced child abuse
[coming soon] - an excerpt from the Ominis longfic I’m working on💘
Oneshots:
clumsy (AO3 / tumblr)
pairing: Sebastian Sallow x f!MC
word count: 9,1k
rating: E
summary: sebastian is clumsy.
or: two stubborn brats make things more difficult than they have to be.
cw: fluff, mutual pining, idiots in love, two really stubborn idiots in love to be exact, sir cadogan guest appearance, anne and imelda are the gremlin best friends every girl needs, smut (18+ ONLY), oral (f. recieving), no y/n
legilimency (AO3 / tumblr)
pairing: Ominis Gaunt x F!MC
word count: 1,7k
rating: m (language)
summary: (His parents and Marvolo insist it’s a gift handed down from Slytherin himself, just like the Parseltongue Ominis despises. It is not. It is a curse.)
or: The Gryffindor student has caught on that Ominis can read her thoughts and decides to get her revenge.
tags: ominis is a natural legilimens, he is entirely too introspective, fluff, no y/n
remembering the snow (AO3 / tumblr)
pairing: Imelda Reyes x Poppy Sweeting
word count: 3,3k
rating: G
summary: Imelda remembers the first time she saw snow.
Her parents always started the story telling her that she cried and cried and cried.
or: a character study on Imelda and how she grew up because I love her & she doesn't get enough appreciation :)
tags: character study, fluff, romance, first kiss, emotional hurt/comfort, I just wanted to write a sweet story & explore Imelda as a character
Illustrated scenes:
(aka where I illustrate little scenes from my longfic and oneshots💓)
🌿 - the summer before Sebastian and Anne’s first year at Hogwarts🥺💓
🌱 - Sebastian hates Eloise’s guts😳
🌿 - Eloise is really, really bad at chess😔 (this scene always makes me laugh SO MUCH)
🌱 - right after the pensieve scene🫶🫶🫶
🌿 - Eloise and Sebastian’s first kiss😇😇😇
🌱 - some angst after their first kiss😇😇😇
🌿 - sebastian overthinks things a lot😔
🌱 - an excerpt from my oneshot, clumsy💘
🌿 - another scene from my clumsy 🫶 I really love writing Sebastian’s pov & this was just so much fun to paint and write😫💓
🌱 - Eloise and her mother😔
🌿 - Eloise is NOT flustered by Sebastian😤
#hmmmmm I had a lot of fun making this & obviously I need to actually sort through my disaster blog and add more links/organuzation/etc#this is what 6 months of procrastination gets you🥲🥲#when I started posting in April I didn’t care but now it kind of stresses me out#also I chose this picture bc a) it’s horizontal; but b) choccy said it was one of her favorites#and it IS cute#and drooling Sebastian deserves to be my header for a bit😤😤#ok im going to organize my art later😵💫😵💫😵💫#also maybe there is a better way to do this??? idk I’m just making things up😭😭😭#I literally have gone quite crazy no chill since I started posting and there is SIX MONTHS WORTH OF BRAIN ROT TO SORT THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!#i just focused on the writing for now bc it’s a) what I like the best and b) easiest to sort through#but I really want to put links to all of my art & organize it#& ALSO put links to all of the amazing art I’ve been gifted🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 even if it’s just for me to go back and look through😌🙏#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#hogwarts legacy mc#hogwarts legacy oc#eloise babbit#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow fanart#sebastian sallow x mc#ominis gaunt#ominis gaunt fanfiction#hogwarts legacy fanfic#sebastian sallow fic
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one big thing I’ve learned by 29 is that the Plan, the God’s Plan of it all I mean, is bigger than me and not just bigger than me but also bigger than my understanding of narrative threads and their limitations. And it’s bigger even than just a simple paradox, turning-on-their-head thing way of being bigger. It’s just so vast. And there is so much room for surprise and possibility and hope in that reality.
#again. idk if that makes sense#but I am someone obsessed with the patterns and what the patterns are telling me#and it’s like. sometimes nothing! but also sometimes something!#there is no way to predict what will happen or what will be presented to me or what will unfold#both personally and in a more big picture way#based on what I feel or what I know or what I have already experienced#there are hundreds and millions of different possible combinations#I am making this sound more profound than the revelation is (and also more vague)#but I love to be like ‘oh being this way means THIS thing and this kind of thing always happens to this kind of person’#and actually. it just doesn’t?????? a million different things could happen and do happen every day that are unlikely and unpredictable#even when you think you’ve accounted for that by looking for the unexpected you still can’t tell#and I love that. used to hate that the future was shrouded in mystery#and I still sometimes do. but I am growing to love it#uncertainty and just the sheer not knowing feels better#and God IS surprising. life is surprising!#THAT I feel like I know#every day of my life I wake up and I pry open the blinds and I look out and say.#what is going to happen today#like I do kind of do that a little#or maybe it’s more. what has the night brought.#and you know what the world is so wide. not in terms of me being able to go anywhere travel-wise#or do anything dream-wise. but in terms of what can and DOES unfold every single day/week/month/year.#there are surprises in store! folded tucked away around the next corner#like I just.#I’m getting carried away but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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i think ppl who are super online or into fandom should watch/read/etc something without ever touching fandom discourse or making aus or shipping characters just like every once in a while
#this isn’t a diss at shipping or aus#i participate in that sometimes#and its fun#im mostly saying like#sometimes people seem to get way too engrossed in the idea of fandom to the point its not even about enjoying the source material atp#and it also seems to result in fans acting like the creators of things have some obligation#to keep in mind a fandom or how a fandom would feel ab their thing#and i think that’s a stupid mindset#a writer should not be like i better specify this specific thing so there’s not meaningless discourse about it on tumblr!#☀️🌈🔥#i just think it’s not particularly good to get really into a fandom of anything and everything you consume#mostly bc of the way fandoms are nowadays#also maybe i’m a bit tired of seeing really good series/whatever turned into au/shipping fodder and nothing else#if you’re going to do that at least pretend you like the source material outside of the character designs#idk im rambling i might make this a more cohesive post later lawl
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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#one thing of social interaction online while being autistic is the ever present fear of being treated like a child when your behave#there’s a certain sort of. demeaning/teacher sort of vibe to it#maybe I just get that vibe bc I witnessed and experienced a lot of that in school#it’s the whole. demeaning in a way that is meant to shame while giving the people who are doing the shaming a way to make themselves feel#better bc they are reinforcing a standard of quote unquote normal behavior#it’s a really nasty feeling of shame and it’s one where you quickly learn to just keep your mouth shut#so you don’t tip people off again so you aren’t demeaned like ur a child again#idk yes there are behaviors that are like. not great but it’s also like#damn just bc I don’t experience the joy and whimsy of the world in the same way#doesn’t mean I deserve to be shamed about it#vaguely related bc it’s a memory of shame but I still vividly remember being told as a child#that I was not shy. the teacher laughed about it too#not that im not seven years old I see that it was me having issues#connecting w others. I felt like I didn’t connect well bc I was. the autism#idk the early 00’s of elementary school education in the Midwest was a trip being an autistic girl#I was just thinking about past experiences in fandom. and the desire to connect being undermined by the terror of being shamed#just autistic girly things!!!!!!!!!! I’m dying inside just a little bit!!!!#owen talks#I’ve also been back on gender feelings and I’ve been trying. very hard to slam the lid on that shit
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maybe i am being a huge bitch and terrible and unfair ????? perhaps that’s the problem ???? and that is likely. however the council (my two best friends and my mom) have concurred that i should actually be angrier and meaner so i think im doing my best atm
#kinda joke but actually i don’t know what to do and i am sooooo angry it i don’t think it’s justified but also isn’t it ? isn’t it ?#like i may have fucked up the very serious convo that we had earlier but also i’m so mad. and i said that. and she heard me I THOUGHT#so i thought it was going to get taken care of but apparently not#like ok. don’t pay rent just stay here 5/7 nights a week and stop by anytime and don’t make any moves to change or fix the position you’re#in like whatever atp. maybe i’d be a better friend if i was more understanding and ive been telling myself that for weeks but also wtf#i know things are terrible for her so i should be nicer and more understanding but i’ve been as nice and understanding as i can be for three#months now and nothings changed she not even interested in changing things so at what point is it real life consequences#of im mad and you have to pay rent ffs#idk. i should apologize for even asking that of her ig. i know things are super hard for her rn. but things are also hard for me rn#in different less extreme ways but still. idk
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Unrelated but I was thinking about Koschei for reasons (I was reading about proto indo European pantheon and it turns out 'Fire God formed in water' is a myth researchers think they mightve had and it remonded me of Vassa) and am I allowed to say how funny it is that like, Koschei is so directly named after a myth. Like Bone Carvers his own thing and Stryga is technically got like The Three Fates/The Witch in Hansel and Gretel vibes, and then there's Koschei who is basically just the guy from the myth including the title. ALSO protoindoeuropean pantheon speculation is dope BTW you should research it its fascinating
Bold of you to assume I haven’t already researched it. I fucking loved anything protoindoeuropean as a kid, the folklore FUCKS
Anyways, personally I would’ve loved it if SJM combined Lanthys and Koschei together into one character. I think (no shade to ACOSF and it’s enthusiasts) instead of the rehab/whatever plot we got, we could’ve gotten to see a little brief corruption arc w Nesta and Koschei
Cuz like imagine a story where this deathless death god found out about cauldrongate and was like psychologically manipulating Nesta into gathering all of the troves (his soul bits) so that she could 1) become his queen/weapon, 2) make him all powerful, and 3) become a literal shield for him because the gang would have to kill her to kill him
(gonna unprofessionally ramble in the tags because I need to brainstorm about this lol)
#this probably sucks ass but I genuinely love the Koschei the Deathless myths sauuur much#like how fucking dare you throw him in there casually#anyways I need to work out the wrinkles in this hmmm#I know I’m bomb at pitching stories but there’s stuff missing and I need to work it out yknow#but yeah drop the mortal queen who’s evil thing cuz honestly who gives a fuck#also no shade to the rehab thing it was v relatable but also clearly a background for super sex#it could’ve been set up in the christmas special too#like oooo look something’s weird with nesta what could it be#and then also instead of there being too much free time for cassian to come off as an asshole#maybe he’s like trying to get thru to her or something#maybe it could be a literal retelling of the koschei story where the guy fucks his ass up for his lover#yeah that’s good see I just need to brainstorm in live time#sjm critical#THIS ISNT ABOUT HER I SWEAR IM JUST PITCHING#also also you could tie in nesta’s grooming for grooming#like in a sick way this is what she was raised to do#her wacky grandmother who def existed to make her story more sad laid the foundation for this#and now she has to like break that cycle and reaffirm that NO she doesn’t need to exist for old men#she deserves something better and epic#idk man I’m going crazy sorry
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several days and 15 thousand words later, i am relieved to report that the suffocating urge to Write Something has been sated and no longer has me in a chokehold
#Seven.txt#writing stuff#thinking of that post that’s like ‘u Have To make art or all the ideas stay stuck in ur brain and make u sick’ bc yeah thats been the vibe#wish i wasn’t so all or nothing about it tho. but alas. i’m that way with everything in my life#i either expect 10k in a day from myself or i don’t write at all for weeks. or months :)#and my average pace is about 500 words per hour. so u can see. how that might be a problem. given how many hours are in a day.#and that’s obviously not sustainable. but idk if it’s adhd or what but it’s So hard to quickly start and stop tasks just Whenever#i struggle to be one of those ppl that can consistently write like. 500 words a day every day and then wow! soon you have a whole novel#nah. once i get myself in the Zone then i’m Goin’ and i can’t stop until i’m Done or i collapse from ignoring my body’s needs lmao#it’s something i should make an effort to do though bc i’d love to be consistently chipping away at things instead of working in bursts#anyways this is a lotta negative self-commentary for what is actually a Positive post! bc yay!! i wrote a thing!! Two things actually!!! 🎉#i got the follow-up to last year’s Matt oneshot done And i wrote the next chapter of Heaven in Hiding after uh. a year and some months#i wanted to blow the dust off the ol’ keyboard by starting with writing some less. uh. high-stakes(?) stuff#not that i didn’t put my all into writing them. i always do. just that ik they’ll have less of an audience so ill cringe less if they suck#so then i can hopefully do justice to the [N]MbD stuff that i’ll be putting out next! ehehe *rubbing my hands together* Finally#the next two [N]MbD fics r already written but the first little one needs a final edit#and then the Big one for. uh. someone (u kno who u r) needs a bit of rewriting i think. i wanna make it Better#so release schedule will be 1. Matt • 2. HiH Ch.3 • 3. [N]MbD small fic • 4. [N]MbD Big fic#then i’m gonna write a lil Boothill comfort oneshot. then i’ll edit/maybe rewrite and post that Dew (Ghost) OCD comfort oneshot#i ���also wanna keep writing the last couple chapters of HiH before i unintentionally abandon it again#and after/amidst all that maybe i’ll manage to get ES Ch.6 written and posted before the end of the year 😭#anyways ik i’ve made posts like this before. talking abt all these Plans of mine. and most of those things r Still stuck in the pipeline#so don’t put too much stock into this plan. i could have another Bad couple of months and get None of it done#but god i sure fucking hope not. i’d really like to cling to my creativity. if for no other reason than that it makes me happy
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i just finished q’s vod from yesterday and honestly? i feel vindicated in my belief that q’s attraction to wilbur is based more around his romanticisation of relationships (and his grief for tilín, silent but ever present) than love
#again don’t get me wrong i think he’s attracted to wilbur but babygirl ia not in love with him#honestly this stream more than anything is making me read him as arospec#his little speech/breakdown where he cries and asks why he doesn’t feel anything#his comment about how maybe he needs to relearn what love means like sophia#comparing himself to a character who has expressed her inability to experience human emotions in the way that humans do#but who wants to learn anyway#i think people reading it as sadness solely about wilbur not actually being there are missing how much of his sadness is due to internal#feelings#he’s upset because he feels broken. because he feels like getting married should have fixed him#because he idealised the idea of marriage as soemthing that would make things better#ans when it didn’t and he felt as numb as ever he started crying#and he went and tried to seek out someone who would be able to understand him. someone who has expressed similar experiences: sophia#idk i just dont think qwilbur as a person actually plays a massive role in q’s emotions#it’s about his projections and his idealised notions crumbling around him#and leaving him alone again#maybe i’m projecting but i also find this dynamic more interesting than just q is sad because wilbur wasn’t actually there#quackity#qsmp
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have to be real & honest w u….they post who gets the highest grade in each class & this one girl got the highest grade in our writing class both semesters and i had peer reviewed her one assignment last semester like our big assignment & i do not get it……like if my professor wants me to write like that i do not want an A 😶 she had like 30 cases she cited and would write like a single sentence on each case or just like a parenthetical her writing was so hard to read bc she put way too much info i’m like how is she getting an A w that. like i was peer reviewing it w another girl & she was also like u use too many cases i’m mot crazy 😭 and like even my dean’s fellows were like u should find 3 or 4 good cases to use i guess this is why my professor did not enjoy my legal writing bc i didn’t use 20 cases 😔 sorry i 1. don’t have the will for that and 2. try to make my writing comprehensible. guess that is not what they want in law school 😩
#michelle speaks#i did not like my writing professor idk if she was the issue or what bc the program itself was not good#but her feedback was sooooo unhelpful. she’d be like this is fine :) and then when she’d grade u be like this is completely wrong#like ma’am? must i read ur mind? anyway this just annoyed me bc i’m like THAT is ur standard of great writing???#but also i’m ngl the way they structured these assignments & everything just did not go w my adhd brain some things r really hard for me to#like grasp how i’m supposed to do & structure them bc my brain works a certain way & it is just incompatible#i feel like maybe if i had a better professor i would have gotten it bc i need things spelled out for me in that case#but it’s not really an issue ultimately bc doing actual legal work is more lax than what they expect from u in class#but like i really do not see how i got the grade i did on my last assignment i worked so hard on that & based on her feedback i thought it#was actually good this time like i actually put effort into making it good (big deal for me) 😭#so i’m like how did i get the same grade i have gotten on everything else 😑 like i think she just hates how i write#ableism at its finest 😔 hate the way the girl w adhd writes i see how it is. some of us cannot help how our brains work 😔 (joke)#actually had the same issue on my crim law final bc my professor wanted the answers structured a particular way#& when i sat down to do it i was like i cannot do that lmfao. brain does not work like that sorry!!!!
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You know… I think I’d enjoy bridgerton more if it engaged in its stakes more than it engaged with its payoff. You know. Like all the jane austen’s novels it’s trying to chase through charm
#like. idk. it’s fun but it’s disenchanting bc it doesn’t engage with class social structures in any meaningful way#also where are the fucking soldiers??? shouldn’t there be some colonels running around?#it’s regency what does everyone not know that the napoleonic wars are happening#like this is what I’m saying it won’t engage with any of the history and then try to pass off small gestures as the things that love is#made of. like. did you not read p&p??? god sakes#and what’s worse is that a good portion of other copypastes in this genre that I have seen do exactly the same thing#i mean even sanditon which I would accuse of similar crimes still manages to talk about colonialism and race in a way more meaningful way#even if it does seem a little far fetched#and I’m glad penelope is finally getting an arc but even still its like. it never wants to really penetrate the fatness issue#like it’s not the crux of why she’s so socially outcast and rather make it about her being a wallflower#and yeah maybe I’m too close to this one and I care a little too much bc I have been in her position before (and spoilers it didn’t end well#but all of this is to say is that the pure wish fulfillment kinda bores me ngl. like put the characters through their paces for gods sake#and ofc I’m saying this coming off game of thrones so ofc my outlook is bleak but like. romance can be more fun and maybe it would have#a better reputation than it does if we didn’t just act like its happening in a vacuum
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Why is it that in a world where everything fits in your pocket i long for more complex ‘single use’ technology.
Not in the since that I can only use these things one time, but in the since that each thing only has one purpose.
A camera, film and digital.
An iPod/pDAP with good headphones.
A kindle.
A portable gaming system.
Don’t get me wrong, I love having a phone, I love technological advancement, I love having the world in my pocket.
But there’s something in the ritual of these things that had been part of everyday life that I didn’t get to experience just before my birth that I long for.
#very much so#idk man…. I think a simple phone that only texts calls and maybe has a web browser is the way to go really.#I love having tumblr in my pocket but does it make my dad to day life Better? no idea.#having YouTube while I do the dishes is a must but must it be on a phone?? I could use an iPad for this surely.#and that’s the thing!! an iPad like thing that stays at home is much nicer sounding for social media then having it everywhere#I’m I. a weird cyberpunk moon as I usually get in in the winter haha sorry#oh also a pDAP is what I call a portable digital audio player. most people just call it a DAP but I feel like that can be confused with DAC#(a digital audio converter which is something you use in a home system)#and idk man… the idea of carrying around a ds instead of having phone games sounds so nice.
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did I just finish outlining Scream Au’s main plot points in writing only to learn that it’s gonna be roughly TEN chapters? maybe. good news for people who don’t like my more controversial plans. bad news for my brain which can’t comprehend a project that short even if the chapters I’ve rough drafted so far are 9-10k so it’ll definitely still be large novel length lmao
#it’s been outlined for a while in my brain but I decided to write it down physically#that’s so short#but also it makes SENSE#like. there’s only so many people to kill & or suspect#it physically cannot be super long that just would not work or make sense#but like. aghhhh!?#idk. idk. we’re not there yet#me: stop asking me about scream au it’s sooooooo hypothetical#me 2.5 seconds later: so. here’s where we’re at with scream au#it’s good tho it’s a good thing I’m thinking ahead#not to say no amount of freedom was bad but it was… not a good murder mystery#it’s extremely important to plant clues early on & have everything more carefully planned then I did then#I’m gonna do better this time#ANYWAY#this is a very plot heavy au if you’re coming to me for ship content uh#may I offer you azula & katara at their most insane? like genuinely off the wall bat shit way worse than Sam carpenter insane ?#also zucest shippers pspsps this is um. a super tragic fucked up take on them?#if you like ripping things apart & being depressed & insane maybe you’ll even enjoy what I do with them#anyway I should shut the fuck up but unfortunately I’m really bad at like. doing that lmao#scream au
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Actually if I think about dragula too hard I’ll get so fucking mad but yes I am still going to see dragula live this may
#hoso AND yovska won’t be at the one I’m going to which is also so upsetting like what is the POINT but at least koco & evah will……#but anyway for real the way it praises itself on being ‘alt’ & so unmainstream & therefore better than Those Other Drag Tv Shows but with#each season gets higher budget & more corporate & inching closer to just drag race but Halloween themed it’s so infuriating like apparently#they aren’t accepting beginners for the new season & even in older seasons the way the CONTESTANTS would talk down to beginners was abhorent#like making fun of ppl for having ’cheaply made’ looks & not enough experience with wigs or makeup or performing like you can’t be like were#counter culture were more progressive than Them 😊 & then act exactly like that shitting on thrift store queens teaching themselves how to do#drag in their rooms idk maybe it’s not that deep but I kind of feel like it is lol. yknow#whatever rewatching s2 & watching vander talk abt how dragula would Never become the thing it seeks to destroy while knowing that’s exactly#what is slowly happening is so dark. it feels like watching ppl ignore warnings in a zombie movie LOL anyway
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i’m back ‘home’ for the holidays so i’m almost certainly about to go through a horrific depressive episode! great! that’ll either mean that i’m on tumblr way way more, or way way less, idk yet lol.
#wren speaks#family is just… idk. l’enfer c’est les autres… but more like l’enfer c’est la famille.#i struggle with being around people at all. but especially my parents. i mean honestly i’m that way BECAUSE of my parents#i watched mommie dearest on the plane and i was like ‘yeah thats normal’ so make of that what you will#i was doing better for like a week or two and then it all came crashing down as this trip ‘home’ approached.#suicidal ideation is normal for me but it went from passive ideation to passive AND active and also more frequent#i mean i’m fine. i’m always fine. i always manage it and i do it alone.#but my point being. coming ‘home’ after the freedom and peace of living alone always hits me hard.#and i guess my meds and therapy are working cause i’m able to FEEL things (when i’m usually too dissociated from my emotions to feel at all)#but feeling things means feeling sadness and anger and the emotions built up from the trauma.#and even feeling happy is so bittersweet though i can’t find the right words to explain why…#um. anyway.#this isn’t relevant idk why i’m rambling on. guess i’ve been told to try journaling so maybe this is a little like that ha.#well i’m okay and i’ll eventually settle in it’s just hard at first. and i have therapy in a few days so it’s all good.
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