#so you don’t tip people off again so you aren’t demeaned like ur a child again
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#one thing of social interaction online while being autistic is the ever present fear of being treated like a child when your behave#there’s a certain sort of. demeaning/teacher sort of vibe to it#maybe I just get that vibe bc I witnessed and experienced a lot of that in school#it’s the whole. demeaning in a way that is meant to shame while giving the people who are doing the shaming a way to make themselves feel#better bc they are reinforcing a standard of quote unquote normal behavior#it’s a really nasty feeling of shame and it’s one where you quickly learn to just keep your mouth shut#so you don’t tip people off again so you aren’t demeaned like ur a child again#idk yes there are behaviors that are like. not great but it’s also like#damn just bc I don’t experience the joy and whimsy of the world in the same way#doesn’t mean I deserve to be shamed about it#vaguely related bc it’s a memory of shame but I still vividly remember being told as a child#that I was not shy. the teacher laughed about it too#not that im not seven years old I see that it was me having issues#connecting w others. I felt like I didn’t connect well bc I was. the autism#idk the early 00’s of elementary school education in the Midwest was a trip being an autistic girl#I was just thinking about past experiences in fandom. and the desire to connect being undermined by the terror of being shamed#just autistic girly things!!!!!!!!!! I’m dying inside just a little bit!!!!#owen talks#I’ve also been back on gender feelings and I’ve been trying. very hard to slam the lid on that shit
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