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lovesanmotion · 3 years ago

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mafia!ateez reacts: comforting s/o with ptsd

💌 This is: Requested

[!] To those who are curious, PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that is caused by a traumatic or terrifying event - either witnessing or experiencing it. A few examples of it are: childbirth experiences (losing a baby), serious accidents, war and conflict, torture, being kidnapped or held hostage and seeing other people get killed before you.

Taglist: @yunhobabygurl

Hongjoong:

You felt like a failure, not only to yourself, but to your in laws as well. Three years after your marriage, they were already expecting a heir. At first, Hongjoong would lie and say that he is too busy to go back home and sleeps in his warehouse, but the longer he lies, the more he lacks reasons. You, on the other hand, tried your best to do everything just to be blessed with a child. You went to various temples and recited prayers, lit up incense sticks and performed rituals. You consulted love doctors to know which positions is best to have a baby, ate organs of various animals and countless made love with Hongjoong during the full moon. But all those efforts became vain when you would still get your monthly period.

You would cry to yourself while looking at the baby gifts your friends and his closest friends gave you. You couldn't bare any insult thrown at you by his mother or his father. The sight of them alone already gives you anxiety. Amidst of your crying, a pair of arms would wrap around you from behind and engulf you into a hug.

"We'll get through this together" Hongjoong says, resting his chin on your shoulder while caressing your stomach.

Seonghwa:

Even though Seonghwa had given the enemy group the five hundred grand, they still had a little time to have fun with you. While Seonghwa and his men were on their way to claim you, the men and their boss made you watch them kill the lives of innocent adults and children. If you look away, they would stab you. And if you closed your eyes, they would stab you but ten times more.

Days after the incident, you found it hard to look at anything that is red and sharp objects immediately triggered you. Upon the sight of a cutlery knife once sent you to tears and a sobbing mess while Seonghwa catches you in his arms. Seonghwa had ordered all the maids to hide anything sharp and pointy and discard anything red that they have and replace it with any color. Whenever you cried, Seonghwa would take you in his arms and bury your face on his chest. Neverminding how your tears would soak his button down shirt.

Yunho:

When Yunho refused to give in to the enemy group, they held hostage someone very dear to him. You. They had locked you up in a room inside their warehouse, the room didn't have anything except a hanging light and a chair you're currently bounded in. While the enemy group was waiting for Yunho, a female members of their entertained your room. Fearing the worst, she started throwing punches at your stomach as if you were a punching bag. When she learned that Yunho and his men arrived, she gave one last punch and that is to your jaw and falling down on the ground.

The aftermath of the horrific event paid a price to you. Whenever someone tried to get close or lay a hand on you, you would immediately scream and run away from them, raising your arms around yourself in a defensive position. This was especially hard for Yunho since he wanted to comfort you by having you in his arms, but couldn't due to your new fear of being touched. With this, he signed you up for therapy and bought the prescribed medication your therapist had given. And as you undergo therapy, Yunho would be delighted to make you your breakfast, send you gifts and place them inside your room and leave you love letters on top of your bed table. Hoping that one day, you would be able to overcome it.

Yeosang:

When the enemy group learned about you, Yeosang did not hesitate to get you into hiding. Immediately ordering four of his men to get the helicopter and locate you to a secret island, but on the way, the skies became grey and foggy, Yeosang on the other end of the intercom monitored your safety, following you in a ship in the waters. However, the line started to disrupt until he heard your screams and multiple gunshots. He took off the headset and stared up in the skies where he could make out the figure of the helicopter about to crash down.

The helicopter carried five people, including you. And it so happens that it was only you who survived the accident. You weren't facing anything serious, just a few scratches here and there, but whenever you heard loud sounds such as banging and ringing, you would immediately jump in your spot and your hands would automatically hold onto him. Yeosang would comfort you by holding your hand and caressing it gently with his. While doing so, he would do breathing exercises with you, it was simple but effective.

San:

When San managed to hide you underneath his desk, you couldn't help but overhear their conversation. Though nothing what they were talking about made sense to you, what stood and stuck inside your head were the words "If possible, I would have killed you with my bare hands right now and watch as the color in your skin fade into purple and blue." left you hanging and pondering over it.

And ever since that day, you couldn't look at San in the eyes anymore. You once tried to, but your mind played tricks and you saw how his lips turned into purple. It came to a point where you find it hard to sleep at night because the image of him being dead would be the first thing to greet you as your eyes closed. San would everything in his power to get rid of your disorder, but most importantly, he would also pay attention to what you feel about his lifestyle because, without denying it, it was him who brought you into this.

Mingi:

The sound of gunshots and bombs rang all over your ears, you swear you could lose your sense of hearing already. Bodies lying down on the ground, unmoving and still. You wondered how could he face this kind of scenario everyday. You tried to get away when a bomb exploded near you, causing you to fall on the ground, losing consciousness.

A few days after the terrifying event, Mingi observed how you became startled and frightened at the sounds of loud ringing, how you would zone out of yourself and sometimes, feel detached. Mingi swears that you're physically with him, but mentally somewhere else. He knew that after witnessing something so terrifying would cause you this, and that is why Mingi had you signed up for cognitive therapy. Hoping that your mind would bury the past events and be able to help you overcome it.

Wooyoung:

It had not only happened once, but it happened twice already. You've lost two of your unborn babies while giving a heir that would soon inherit Wooyoung's business. The loss of your children brought you great stress to yourself emotionally and physically that your health started to decline and your hair slowly started to grow white in your middle twenties.

When Wooyoung learned all of this, he gave the maids an indefinite vacation. One wherein he told them to rest and eat good food while he took his time taking care of you. Before leaving, the maids wished the young madam (aka you) a goodluck and speedy recovery. And in the succeeding days, Wooyoung would get up early and prepare everything for you. After that, he would go on long walks with you in the garden and pick flowers and make flower crowns. He wanted to divert your mind and away from all the negative you were thinking of. And he also took a mental note to dye your white hairs.

Jongho:

Before Jongho came to your rescue, you were placed inside a large fish tank with chains around your ankles and arms. Not understanding what you were doing inside at first until you felt the cold water at your feet. Finally realizing what was going to happen to you, you kept banging your hands on the screen of the tank, yelling that someone would hopefully hear you. Fear would slowly start to get you as soon as the water rises to your knees, it was useless to climb out with both of your hands tied. Slowly, the waters dangerously increased until they reached your waist. You were already floating in the water and the coldness starting raising the hairs in your arms. You tried screaming for help, particularly screaming Jongho's name. But your pleas were answered by nothing. And as the waters reached to your neck, you tilted your head up to give you more oxygen. Until slowly, the waters fully engulfed you. You held your breath before you could be succumbed, but it wasn't enough as a few minutes later, your body started to jerk and your head moving front and back and slowly, your eyelids closing down on you and your eyes rolling back.

Jongho was quick to saving you. After closing your eyes, he was able to break the human sized tank and caught you in his arms. Laying you down on the nearest surface he could find and then performing CPR on you. But even though he saved you from near death, he noticed how you would avoid taking baths and not coming out of the house when it was raining. He knew that the past event caused you to like this. At first, he tried to convince you to watch the rain with him, but you disagreed. Whenever you would take a shower, Jongho would have to be inside with you. In every step, Jongho would be there for you to overcome your fear and be able to face the waters once more.

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lumina-rose · 3 years ago

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Tear You Apart

Chapter 2/4

AO3 Link:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/32168824/chapters/79765408#workskin

Pairing:

Laszlo x Reader

Summary:

Mere months after the conclusion of the Beecham case, Dr.Kreizler and his associates are asked once again to solve a new series of murders that plague the streets of New York. They are joined by the alienist's new assistant, who's presence soon unravels startling revelations. Not only within the case, but also within the mind of one of their own.

(This story is set between the events of Season 1 and Season 2)

Warnings:

Murder Mystery, Graphic Description of Corpses, slight dark!Laszlo (kinda. Think Will “This is my design” Graham), Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut (MINORS DNI), Minor Violence, Friends to Lovers,Assistant, Boss/Employee Relationship,Tension, Sexual Tension, Mutual Pining.

(More Future Warnings TBD)

Notes:

Chapter 2: Love & Hate

It had been a full day since your strange interaction with Dr. Kreizler.

After waiting to for him to gather everyone involved with the investigation, you were troubled when no call came. Part of you worried that it was due to your disturbing experience, but you fought back your anxieties with logic. Even if something had happened between the two of you, Laszlo would never let it interfere with the case. Still, that did not stop you from worrying about the alienist. Your mind constantly returning to that moment.

His tired appearance, caused by countless hours of work and stress, which were aided by sleepless nights theorizing the motives and background of the murderer that haunted New York. The vacant trace-like state that overtook him, as though his actions were being controlled by something else. Someone else. The warm feeling of his palm against your skin, a feeling that would have been calming and welcome, had it not been placed around your throat. Yet, the firm but gentle hold had thrilled you- excited you. But it also frightened you. And even now, you debated your mixed, complex emotions. There was fear, yes, but excitement too. Or was there both? Or were they the same? What was the difference between the two?

You had felt like this before, in fleeting moments and never quite as strong. You had felt it with small admirers from your past, though nothing ever came from these interactions. You had felt it when you first began your work at the Kreizler Institute, upon seeing the care taken to provide the city's troubled youth with a sanctuary, free from the pressures of society. And recently, in small moments with Dr. Kreizler, himself, after working by his side tirelessly. On your trips to the Opera, when you both would be given a chance to simply talk- not about work or the mentally ill- just genuine conversations, discussing your hobbies, interests, and hopes for the future. One particular moment had stuck out to you, thinking back. It had been late, and you had joined Kreizler back at his home after a long day of work. You shared a drink together, when he finally asked you what you hoped to gain from learning from him.

Usually when men asked about what you wanted to do as a working woman, they were against the notion that you wished to become an alienist, believing that a woman could never become a doctor despite the fact that there were a rare few that already were. Indeed, even with the likes of Marcus, Lucius, and John Moore there was apprehension. With Dr. Kreizler, however, he never tried to persuade you otherwise and spoke only with respect and encouragement in regards to your dream. Ever since that moment, you had harbored affection for the alienist, though you would never act on it. If not for the sake of your own feelings, then for Laszlo's reputation.

"Ms. (L/n)?"

Your mind found its way back to the present, returning you to your surroundings. You stood in the small apartment that had become your home, a space you had rented out from a Mr. Louis Arnett. He was an older man who had been left a widower, and remained unmarried to this day. While he was a bit older than yourself, perhaps eleven years your senior, it wasn't impossible to imagine the possibility of him remarrying. It often made you wonder if his lack of interest in remarriage was due to his age or grief. Due to the sudden passing of his late wife, he had moved to a new house in the city, but offered for you to live in his previous residence, as long as you kept paying your bill on time. Since the Kreizler Institute was more generous in terms of wages, that had never been an issue for you. Still, sometimes the older landlord would come by to check on the space, often taking time to sit and chat with you despite your insistence that it wasn't necessary.

"I must apologize, Mr. Arnett." You sighed, giving a small smile that didn't quite reach your eyes. "I'm afraid my mind is elsewhere as of late."

The older gentleman sat at a small table in the center of the room, drinking from a cup. He wore his typical suit, all black- save for one pin attached to his tie. A lily was depicted on the small item, as a tribute to his late wife. You eyed the item warily now, only being reminded of the bloodied bouquets.

He gave an understanding look. "As I can imagine. Nasty business. I must say, I'm rather concerned about that alienist you say you work for....Kreshner, was it? Letting a lady such as yourself work well into the night, with all these horrible attacks going on."

"Kreizler. Doctor Kriezler." You corrected. Another burning heat flashed through you, upon Arnett's mentioning of your employer, wrapping around the collar of your dress jacket. "As for myself, I am capable of finding my way home safely."

"Of that, I am certain. I do hope the man doesn't keep you there too late." Arnett relented, chuckling slightly at your reaction.

You turned to the landlord, scoffing.

"I assure you, if Dr. Kreizler had it his way, I'd be back well before the sun had begun to set. If anything, it's at my insistence that I spent so much time at the Institute."

"Is that so?"

You were used to speaking casually with the older gentleman, during such visits, but your comment seemed to intrigue the man. Perhaps you should be a bit more careful with your words. You stiffened slightly, rushing to correct your mistake.

"With the attack of those four women, I believe we should be using what time we have to catch the person responsible. My beauty sleep can wait, for now."

The man nodded, thinking for a moment, before standing to come closer to my side. Holding a hand out, he gave a quick goodbye. "Very well, Ms. (L/n). I suppose I shouldn't keep you. Though, I do wish you would take care of yourself."

"I thank you for your concern, Mr. Arnett." You nodded. "I should be heading to the Institute soon, anyways. Perhaps I can walk you down?"

"You are too kind, my dear."

You brushed off the endearment, convincing yourself it was merely a phrase he used often, and went to join the man in his exit. Once outside, the sounds and smells of the street hit you, reminding you that even with a killer on the loose, nothing could stop the momentum of New York. You escorted Mr. Arnett on the sidewalk, waiting as he attempted to hail a cab. After a few long minutes of idle conversation, a small carriage approached, stopping before the two of you. You gave a quick goodbye to the landlord, beginning to rush him away, as you grew more concerned with the time. Finally, once the cab was out of sight, you let out a heavy sigh.

It wasn't that the man's company was unpleasant. In fact, you were grateful to find a landlord in the city who was so welcoming and reasonable with rent prices, there was just something about Mr. Arnett that seemed odd. It was as though he sought to interject himself into a person's life, whether or not it was welcomed. Though you were now used to the man's occasional visits, it had been a bit unsettling at first. From what you'd heard before moving here, most people in the city didn't bat an eye when it came to the lives of strangers. Then again, he was a widower, offering up what used to be his home to anyone who would be willing to pay. Maybe having a woman in the house reminded him of happier times?

Now on your own, your mind was drawn back to Dr. Kreizler and the investigation that had taken over your current daily life. You had been a bit untruthful in your conversation with Mr. Arnett earlier, in saying that you needed to return to the Kriezler Institute for the day. In fact, you had been given the day off in advance by the alienist, for what he called a "well deserved break". Nevermind the fact that he had ignored you when you suggested he do the same. Looking back on it now, you wished he had taken your advice. These murders were clearly effecting him, if yesterday was any indication.

The walk to the Institute had been short, given that you only lived a few city blocks away. Even from the sidewalk outside, you could hear the cheers and laughter of the children inside, followed quickly by the voice of one of the matrons. You smiled lightly, knowing that at least the patients of the Institute seemed happy, despite the dark times the city was currently facing. It reminded you why your efforts in the investigation were so important. You faced the ugliest parts of life, so that they wouldn't have to.

When you entered the front doors of the Institute, you were relieved to see that no one appeared to be in the halls. While you usually enjoyed the company of the children, you didn't want to be pulled away from your current goal of finding Dr. Kreizler. You made your way towards the alienist's study, knowing you might find him there. After the fourth victim had been found, there was no doubt in your mind that he had once again stayed up all night, trying to go over every detail of the murder.

You found the door to the doctor's study left ajar, a sight that unsettled you. You crept inside, calling out softly for the doctor, before stepping in fully. After receiving no response, you glanced around. The walls of bookshelves towered over you, but you noticed spaces were there were empty slots where certain books were meant to be, no doubt to help create the ever-growing mountain on the main center table. Papers and pages were scattered about, messily, along with notes and photos from the murder victims. A chalk board had been placed inside the study, and had stayed there ever since the new case began. Countless questions were written, some organized to certain corners, while others were placed haphazardly.

Sleep fascination? Somnophilia?

Meaning of Flowers? Personal or Symbolic?

Physical Strength- perhaps a labor worker or military background?

Love and Hate?

Your eyes landed on the last question, drawing you back to your last discussion with Sara. Only now it seemed the question wasn't love or hate, rather love and hate. Much like your fear and excitement, it seemed Dr. Kreizler was starting to blur the two. In your distraction, you had failed to notice the door to the side laboratory open, where Laszlo emerged from, followed closely by a young girl.

"Ms. (L/n)?"

The gentle questioning tone in words were countered only by the rough, scratchiness in his voice. Turning quickly, you gave the doctor a startled stare. The circles under his eyes were darker, confirming your suspicions, but you were pleased to see that he had taken the time to clean up his appearance overnight.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Kreizler, I had called for you but you never answered." You explained.

"It's quite alright, I was just talking with Loretta." He gave a small smile to the girl, who clung to his good hand. When his eyes came back to you, a small jolt went through you. "I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"Never."

The man quickly told the young girl to go join the other children outside, earning a silent nod and goodbye from her. As she rushed out, her hair bounced behind her, as she eagerly went to find her friends. You couldn't help but grin. Loretta was one of the more troubled youths. After an incident with a wild dog as a small child, she had been left with an intense fear of all animals. That fear later formed into troubling habits of torturing and hurting any creature she came across. Even going as far as to set fire to a neighboring cat's tail. You never would expect such a sweet smile to hide such violent tendencies.

"How did she react to the monkey?" You asked, curiously, looking back at Laszlo.

"She's improved, but is still afraid of them unless someone shows that they're friendly. It may be a while until she can deal with animals on her own." He nodded, mostly to himself, as if making a mental note. He stayed in his spot, by the door, as he continued. "I wasn't expecting you, I'm afraid. I believe I told you that you could have the day off."

"You did."

"And yet, you are here."

Still, he remained in place, as if he wanted to be near an exit at all times. You paused for a moment, stepping back towards the chalk board.

"I wanted to discuss something with you, but if you are otherwise occupied, I can wait." You said.

He stepped closer now, but still a good distance away. For some reason, that fact irked you. "Then you caught me at just the right moment. Tell me, what's troubling you?"

Ah, avoidance.

You didn't miss the fake curiosity in his tone, as he vaguely asked you what was on your mind. It was a test, and you both knew it. Would you mention his strange behavior? Did you dare? Did you want to? Did he want you to, or was this simply an attempt to forget the action, altogether?

You bit the inside of your cheek, biting back a frown. Two could play these games. "I wanted to share a thought I had about the case."

Instantly, Kreizler approached the table, overlooking the piles of read and unread books, in order to watch your expression, gauge your behavior. His expression became serious. "Go on?"

"I was thinking about why the killer used chloroform on his victims, despite failing to render them unconscious." You answered, your eyes meeting his. "I thought about the possibility that perhaps putting them to sleep wasn't his goal, nor was it to be used as a painkiller. As you pointed out, if reducing pain was it's purpose then he wouldn't resort to strangling the women. So then what if his goal was merely to disorient them, to make them unable to fight back? Perhaps the combination of panic and the effects of the drug caused them to go into shock? If that were his goal, then that would explain why he continues to use it."

The alienist pondered this for a moment. "He’s created an obsession with his true target, creating a delusion and using his victims as substitutes for her. If this is true, then perhaps the use of chloroform was simply a desperate attempt to keep them from fighting, from breaking the illusion he's created in his mind."

"That would also explain why he would then turn to using violence against them when they struggled." You nodded. "I suspect our latest victim fought a bit harder than the others, due to the stronger markings on her."

"It also supports the killer’s effort to cover up the wounds of the struggle. It would suggest that the victims didn’t want it to happen, when his delusion depends on their submission to him." Laszlo added, looking over the photographs. "He's become obsessed his target, taking pleasure from the idea that they will accept him, and escalating to violence when he's denied that pleasure."

He moved with a strong purpose, over to the chalk board, writing down a new series of thoughts and questions. There was a serious focus in his gaze, contradicted by a light glint in his brown eyes. You focused on his hand, as he quickly scratched the white chalk against the board's surface, following its path until he was done. The doctor stepped back, his chest heaving up and down slightly. A slight, satisfied smirk on his face.

"How did you come to this conclusion?" He asked, curiously, sighing.

A burning blush had reached your face, and your heart raced at the fact that your theory had brought some level of joy to the man. Blinking, you looked away, slightly embarrassed by your reaction. "I had an idea back at the morgue, before you..."

...before you grabbed my throat. You had trailed off, not wishing to speak the words aloud. Still, It seemed your message got through to Laszlo.

Now his eyes turned away, looking to the ground, as a rosy color reached the apples of his cheeks. There was a mixture of emotions in his expression, ones you could see he was fighting to hold back. Shame, embarrassment, regret, and something more. He no longer stood far away from you, as he had been just a moment before, yet you could tell he wanted nothing more than to be closer to the exit of the room.

“I must apologize, it was improper on my part and disrespectful to your boundaries." A hand went through his hair, a nervous reaction. "I fear I’m not sure what came over me.”

He didn't seem capable of looking at you, and you found yourself desperate to see his eyes. Taking a small step towards him, his head slowly turned to you. You gave him a reassuring smile.

"This case has been disturbing for all of us, Doctor, I won't blame you for being effected by it. Trying to understand the thoughts of the person responsible for these acts has proven to me that there is darkness in all of us... and that it's hard not to be consumed by it." You said, hoping to sound understanding.

You now stood only a couple feet away. His eyes met yours, as his expression gave way to something softer. "I’m not sure how I could make it up to you, after frightening you in such a way. If I still...”

Now you understood. There was the slightest tremor in his voice, but it was there. He was afraid. Afraid of his actions, afraid of how you'd react, afraid that you were scared of him now.

"I don't fear you, Laszlo." You admitted, softly. "I fear for you. If you truly wish to make it up to me, then allow yourself a break, if only for a day."

"I.." He shook his head, stubbornly, and glanced back to the photographs. "I can't-"

"-you will do no good if you work yourself to death before we even find a suspect." You countered, standing your ground. "Perhaps time away would clear your head. Please, Laszlo."

You bit you lip, as you prayed your heart would stop racing. You knew that Kreizler could be stubborn, often not listening to reason once he'd made up his mind. He paused, debating whether or not to listen to your advice. The ghost of a smile flickered over his face, before disappearing just as quickly as it came.

"How long has it been since we last went to the opera?"

You stared, unable to process his question for moment, as you focused solely on the word: “We”. After your initial shock, you cleared you throat. "I..I believe a month, perhaps?"

In truth, you weren't sure. After your investigation began, days and nights began to blur. You knew it had been more than a couple of weeks, at the least. Kreizler chuckled, softly.

"Well, then we must remedy that, shouldn't we?"

You weren't sure why you were so nervous. Going to the opera with Laszlo wasn't a first for you, so why did it feel so different this time?

You stared at yourself in the mirror, after changing into yet another dress for the outing. Perhaps it was because you felt surprised that Laszlo had asked you to join him, after the events of the day before. Or maybe it was because you couldn't get his actions out of your head, constantly thinking back to the feeling of his hand on you. You had been understanding that his action wasn't completely his own in that moment, but had that changed anything between you? Had he thought back to that moment, as you had?

Surely not, since you were about to accompany the alienist for the night. Then again, when you had insisted that he took a break, you didn't think he'd want to spend it with you, and yet here you were: stressing over what you should wear to the engagement. You wondered if you were just making a big deal out of nothing. He had said he wanted to make it up to you, and perhaps this was a compromise he'd found acceptable, allowing you both to have a night without worry or stress.

"Foolish." You sighed at your reflection, and the obvious blush that overtook your features, making it clear that it was not simply makeup that gave your cheeks a darkened color. "Absolutely foolish."

It wasn't often that you wore your formal attire, nor did you have an entire day to prepare for the night ahead. The payoff was that you looked far better than usual, a small comfort for your nerves. Was this too much? The question was now an echo in the seemingly endless cave that made up your mind. You shook your head, turning away from the mirror, once again cursing yourself for thinking in such a manner. Regardless, it was far too late now to worry about these little details, as the clock in your home rang out, signalling the time. You'd have to leave soon in order to make it to the theater at a reasonable time.

Every so often, as you began to gather you things for the night, your mind returned back to the investigation. You'd scold yourself. Tonight was a break, you didn't need to think about the horrors you'd seen. Laszlo needed this. Lord knows you needed this. Despite your nervousness, tonight was just a fun outing with a dear friend. And you intended to enjoy it, while you still had the chance.

A knock at your door startled you, as you prepared to leave for the evening. A shadow danced under the crack at the bottom of your door, signalling that there was indeed someone there, and not just your ears plating tricks on you. Cautiously, you reached for the knob. Was someone meant to visit today? No, you wouldn't have forgotten if Sara or the Isaacson twins were meant to come by.

When you opened the door, a man stood there, smiling down at you.

"Oh, hello Cyrus!" You greeted, sighing in relief.

The tall man gave you a nod, a smile playing out over his features. "Ms. (L/n)."

"Why..I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you, has.. Has something happened?"

Your heart and mind raced together. Had Laszlo changed his mind? No, he wouldn't be so rude as to cancel your plans last minute. Unless there was something important. Had another body been found?

Cyrus chuckled, shaking his head. "No, nothing of the sort. Dr. Kreizler just asked if Stevie and I could take you to the opera."

"Oh." It's all you could say, as you fought back another flush from your face.

"You look lovely tonight, Ms. (L/n)." Cyrus said, comfortingly, before turning his head back to the street.

There, Laszlo's young ward, Stevie, sat at the driver's seat of the carriage, clearly itching to leave, so that he might race through the streets. You smiled, unable to hold back your joy.

"Thank you, Cyrus."

You had already gathered your belongings for the evening, not that there was really much you could bring, only a small bag attached to your wrist. You stepped out of your home, pausing only to lock the door behind you. You hurried down the front steps to the sidewalk, where you were promptly let into the empty carriage. Once inside and settled, you beamed, unable to contain yourself. You reasoned that your unexpected escort was probably due to concerns for your safety at this time of night, and nothing more. Still, a certain lightness in your chest emerged, bubbling up inside you, causing you to beam as you looked out the side window.

You heard Stevie cheer out, and suddenly the vehicle pulled forwards. After a moment, you felt the wheel hit a large bump. You laughed after a second of surprise. Maybe your ride wouldn't be as calm as Doctor Kreizler had expected, but you couldn't find it within you to care.

When you finally made it to the theater, you had arrived a bit earlier than you expected. Not that you should be surprised, given how Stevie raced you through the city. On the carriage had stopped, Cyrus opened the door and bid you farewell. You watched the boy-driven carriage disappear into the night, before turning to face the opera house. The building was a towering structure, with large marble beams that made up the entrance. The warm, yellow light from the inside called to you, ushering you to join the fun. Given that Cyrus hadn't told you when Laszlo would arrive, you assumed he was waiting there for you. Picking up the skirt of your dress, you began your climb up the stairs, a slight urgency in your step.

You had found him a few minutes later, standing by the large stair case that lead to the upper level seats of the theater. Before he had seen you, you took a moment to admire his form. You had seen him in his formal suit before, a simple black suit with a white bow tie, but you always had to stop and admire the expensive outfit. He also had his cane with him, the one with the bird handle that you had once said you liked before. The one detail you thought was odd was the fact that he held the item with his right hand, as opposed to his left. Due to the weakness in the arm, he usually kept it close to his side in order to keep from hurting himself. It was only until he pulled a pocket watch from his vest with his dominant arm that you understood the change.

You walked towards him, until your approaching figure finally drew his attention. With a shy smile, she greeted the man. "I hope I'm not too late."

He shook his head, giving you a warm look. "Right on time."

He seemed rested now, compared to earlier, no longer wearing the dark circles that had plagued him for the last couple of days. You felt happy, knowing that he must have taken a break from the day as well.

"I apologize for sending Cyrus and Stevie to you without warning, I thought it'd be best if you didn't travel alone." He explained, before quickly looking over you. "You look beautiful tonight, (Y/n)."

"Thank you, Laszlo." You replied, blushing, while clasping your hands together nervously. "Though, you didn't have to go through all the trouble."

"It was no trouble at all. Stevie, in particular, seemed more than willing."

When the crowd of people began to move into the auditorium, you joined Laszlo as he led you up the stairs, towards the direction of the private box seats. You were a bit surprised to see this, given that he had gotten the tickets on such short notice. As you entered the box, you each took a seat next to each other, with you seated in your usual spot on his left. The opera you were watching was Aida, a story about an Ethiopian princess of the same name who was held captive in Egypt, and fell in love with an Egyptian general, Radames, and he with her, despite being promised to the Egyptian princess. As the show began, Laszlo quickly explained to you that the opera had been made by Antonio Ghislanzoni and Giuseppe Verdi, and had premiered December 24th, 1871. You chuckled, mostly to yourself, as you knew he'd be listing off little facts like this throughout the night.

As the show went on, you slowly realized a running theme in the show, in relating to it's star characters. Love & Hate. You found it a bit ironic, given the circumstances. In the first act, Aida, the main character, loves her country deeply but has hate for the Egyptians who have taken her and her people captive. Including Radames, as he continues to fight against her country. Time passes in the story, and the two begin to fall for one another. You were impressed with how the performer playing Aida was able to portray the conflicting emotions of the character- with her love for her country and her love for Radames, as she begins to fall for the Egyptian general.

One of the reasons that made Laszlo's company so enjoyable was his ability to talk during a show, without taking away or distracting you from the experience. Often times, he'd speak quietly, leaning slightly for you to hear him over the music. He'd go on to tell you the historical origins that the opera was based on, and you had a feeling he had studied the opera before coming here. It seemed nearly impossible for him to know so much, if that were not the case. However, once the music began and each new song was sung, Laszlo's words would fall silent as all his focus was placed on the stage. Occasionally, his hand would twitch in the edge of you vision, pulling away your focus to the watch as his fingers shot up and down in the air, as though he were trying to play something.

Act Two played out similarly to the first, but showed how Radames fights with his own loyalties. By the end, the Egyptian general asked for the Pharaoh to release Aida and her people, but the Pharaoh would only accept if the general agrees to marry his daughter. Once the woman on stage stopped singing, the curtains closed and lights flickered back on. Already, some of the crowd had begun to leave the auditorium, in order to socialize with the other members of New York's society.

The two of you join them, going out into the crowded halls and lobby in order to celebrate your evening. Drinking champagne, you exclaimed your love for the story so far, as well as the performer's work. Laszlo agreed, complimenting the orchestra as well, before listening to your thoughts on the characters, occasionally interjecting how it's history was exaggerated for the sake of entertainment. Truly, you felt content in this moment, sharing your same passions with the alienist, while being able to give each other new thoughts and opinions.

You were both finishing up your drinks, when your name had been called from some far off part of the room. Turning, you were shocked to see none other than Louis Arnett for the second time today. The man came over to you, dressed to the nines.

"Mr. Arnett, what a surprise to see you." You greeted, politely. "I thought I recalled you saying you weren't fond of the opera?"

"I've been known to come on the rare occasion." He replied. "It's a pleasure to see you, my dear. Lovely, as always. I also seem to recall the fact that I said you could call me Louis."

Kindly, you shook your head in denial. "I apologize, Mr. Arnett, but I highly doubt that'd be appropriate."

Before, you may have brushed off the endearments, but now they were beginning to irritate you. Especially with Laszlo present. Turning your head, you looked at Laszlo, who's warm smile had returned to his usual subdued expression.

"Mr. Arnett, I must introduce you to Dr. Kreizler!" You said, steering the conversation away from you. Laszlo gave you a confused expression, before you quickly explained: "Mr. Arnett was kind enough to open his home to me for such a low price, when I first moved here. He'll stop by on occasion."

Laszlo smiled, giving Arnett a nod, before placing his cane back into his right hand. With his left, he shook your landlord's hand, introducing himself.

"Ah, the alienist." Arnett hummed. "Tell me, Kreizler, do you always take your assistants with you to the opera? One might think you're trying to keep (Y/n) all to yourself!"

"Mr. Arnett, please." You hissed out, appalled.

Arnett chuckled, but you found nothing about his words humorous. Not only were they rude, given the circumstance, but the implication alone was entirely inappropriate. You also despised how he had spoken as if you weren't right there in front of him. Laszlo was clearly uncomfortable with the man's words, but tried his best to hide it.

The alienist merely sighed. "While it's true, Ms. (L/n) does work with me, It's been a pleasure to enjoy her company. Though she does assist me with my work at the Institute, I'm honored to consider her a close colleague and friend."

The last word was barely more than a small whisper, yet Arnett seemed to catch it. The older man nodded in understanding, before looking to you.

"I understand entirely. I don't blame you for wanting to spend more time with her, especially way from those horrible murders."

You blushed, stiffening slightly at the mentioned case. "Mr. Arnett, I'm afraid the purpose of our outing was to get away from the investigation. I'd highly appreciate it if we could enjoy our night in peace."

"Ah," He cleared his throat, embarrassed at your reaction. His hand went up to smooth out his tie, his thumb brushing over the lily pin. "I apologize. Of course you wouldn't wish to speak of it here. " Something in the distance seemed to catch the older man's eye, drawing his attention. "If you'll excuse me, I must be going."

You found yourself stunned at his erratic behavior, as he moved away back into the crowd. Once out of earshot, you let out a heavy sigh, turning to Laszlo with an apologetic look.

"I must apologize for Mr. Arnett. He has a tendency to overstep in conversations. I hope he didn't offend you too greatly."

Kreizler's brown eyes had followed Arnett, before finally looking back to you. While his smile hadn't returned, the warm look he gave you had. "John has, on occasion, accused me of doing the same. I suppose its only right that I should have to experience the same hardships I deal to others."

With that, the crowd was then directed back into the auditorium, as intermission drew to a close. To your surprise, Laszlo had offered you his arm, as you both returned to the private section. As the curtains rose and the next act began, you found yourself thinking about Mr. Arnett's strange behavior and how he'd spoken with Laszlo. You could understand if the man didn't like the alienist, given that Dr. Kreizler didn't have the best reputation among most of New York. Still, you weren't prepared for how casually he had disrespected him and spoke about you as though you were merely there to entertain them. Your chest felt warm, as you recalled how kindly Laszlo had spoken about you, complimenting your company. However, the way his voice has weakened upon calling you a friend had stirred all your anxieties back to the surface.

As the first song began, you looked to Laszlo, admiring him as he watched the show. Did he truly see you as a friend? Or was his hesitation an indicator of something more?

The third act began, with the story immediately picking up where it left off. Aida and her lover, Radames, perform in a song, where the characters are lamenting their forbidden and doomed romance. Once the song ends, Aida then began to plead with the gods, praying that they take pity on her people and the two lovers. In such dark times, as the one you live in now, you felt as though you would've done the same, had you believed in such a God.

With the song at an end, you had expected Laszlo to then make another small comment about the show. However, when his gaze remained focused on the stage, you found yourself a little disappointed. It wasn't until you felt a warm brush against your hand, that your attention switched. It was brief, just for a moment, but Laszlo's left hand had touched yours, yet his eyes remained in place. Somehow, it seemed as though he hadn't noticed. Or if he had, he didn't mind. You blinked, clearing your throat silently, before looking back to the stage. The next song began, and followed the story with interest, wondering what would come of the two main characters, and the enslaved people of Ethiopia.

Once again, you felt his hand against your own. There was no doubt now. Without moving you head, your eyes went back to his hand, a finger draped over your own. Slowly, you moved your hand into his, your palm covering over his own. Your heart raced, and the room felt significantly warmer. You began to doubt yourself, cursing whatever god there was for your foolish actions. But it all stopped, as his fingers wrapped into your own. You felt your breath hitch, but fell into a comfortable silence, watching the opera with a racing heart. As the song came to an end, you weren't sure if you welcomed it's conclusion or mourned it.

Laszlo turned, facing you. Even with the dim lights of the theater, you could make out the pink color of his cheeks and neck, as he continued to stare at you. His eyes held the same intensity as the day before, but that vacant expression was gone, replaced with something much softer. A binding energy trapped you in place, unable to look away. Even as the music began, signalling the next song, the doctor did not break his stare. Instead, his gaze slowly traced over you, a soft caress.

It wasn't until the music softened, transitioning from a loud crescendo to a soft steady melody, that you heard him whisper your name, as if asking something. You responded with his own.

You didn’t know who let go of the other’s hand, but it didn’t matter. Kreizler’s hand slowly reached up to you, the back of his fingers brushing over your cheek, as he pushed back a small section of your hair behind your ear, before finding it's destination against your jaw. He was hesitant to lean into you, not wishing to overstep your boundaries. It until you matched his actions, did the space between you disappear.

It was a small, innocent kiss. Even as you broke away, you felt the soft gentle buzzing on your lips. Your noses brushing, you looked up at him, staring into those brown eyes you've grown to love. You only broke the stare to lean in again, chasing the feeling of his lips on your own once more. You hardly cared where you were at the moment, as you lifted a hand to place over his own. You kissed him gently, not wanting to ruin this moment, as you lightly parted your lips for him. The hand on your jaw fell, finding it's place back against your neck, making you gasp. He seemed to grow more bold, matching your desperate enthusiasm. His fingers then dug down, not harshly but just enough to add pressure. The sensation was enough to send a sudden jolt of heat through you, making a small instinctive whine fall from you.

Suddenly, he broke away from you, a strange glint in his eye. As you caught your breath, you couldn't quite tell if his expression was one of excitement or fear. Before you could even ask what was wrong, the doctor got up from his seat, moving to leave the small theater box, not even stopping to take his walking cane. The light happiness in your chest died as quickly as it was born, and all that was left was the sinking feeling of fear and confusion. You then followed, doing the same, as the same nagging question played over in your mind. Had you done something wrong?

Tears threatened to form, but you fought to keep them down. At least until you had an explanation for Laszlo's actions. You found him just outside, in the empty halls of the theater. As you approached, he looked back at you, a troubled expression on his face. Your heart broke at the sight.

"Laszlo, I.. If I've done something wrong I sincerely apologize. I.. I'm sorry-"

Cutting me off, his head shot up, as if stunned. "You've done nothing of the sort!"

"Then why are you troubled?" You stepped forwards, searching for answer. "If I am not at fault, then you must tell me what it is I have done that has made you react in such a way."

"I just...I don't wish to see you get hurt. By being close to me." Laszlo looked conflicted, pausing as he tried to form his thoughts. His eyes looked to the ground, as he sighed. "By me."

The phantom hold on your neck returned, as you noticed the look of fear in his eyes. This man, who has trouble follow him wherever he goes, seemed haunted by something. You bit your lip.

"I've already forgiven you for you previous actions, as I know they were not entirely your own in that moment." You took a deep breath in order to keep your voice from failing you. "And even if they were, I trust you enough to know that you'd never hurt me, Laszlo."

"And if I wanted to?" He spat it out, quickly. Though the words didn't seem directed towards you, rather.. himself.

You blinked, a blush rushing to your face once more, as you were taken aback. Gathering yourself, you reached for his hand once more, silently. Lifting it gently, you gave a soft squeeze, a comforting gesture. His eyes met your own again.

"I'll trust you even then." You replied, feeling genuine in your response.

His lips parted slightly, his eyes widening as he looked down at you. He squeezed you hand, holding it in a grasp that was almost tight. A warning. Yet you stayed right there, watching as his eyes fell to your lips.

He pulled you forward, against him, as his lips met your own again. Unlike before, this wasn't so sweet and gentle as it had once been. No, now that underlying desperation, that need, broke to the surface as his teeth pulled on the soft subtle skin on your mouth, almost forcing you to open your lips for him, hadn't you not already been willing to. His weaker right arm found a place against your waist, as his left found the back of your neck, a strong hold keeping you there.

You gasped in surprise at the sudden forwardness of the typically reserved man. Your hands fell against his suit, finding a hold on the vest beneath his suit jacket. One of your hand slowly traced a path, running against the hairs behind his ear, as you gently pulled against them. The action sent a groan from Laszlo's throat, an unfamiliar experience for you, as you felt his voice against your skin. And Oh, how you craved more, smiling at how you had earned such a reaction. In response, you felt a quick nip at your bottom lip, a small jolt of pain coming from it, before his tongue ran along the same area. At the same time, the hand around your neck squeezed down. A thrilling chill passed through your entire being, finding it's destination just below your stomach. His lips changed direction, trailing a path from your lips to your jawline. You moaned, quietly, just enough for the alienist to hear.

"Laszlo."

Lust wasn't a look you were a stranger to, but seeing it overtake every aspect of Laszlo's appearance as he looked down at you definitely was. And you had no doubts that you looked the same. He pulled away from his advances, hesitating for a moment, blinking away the haze in his eyes. You leaned up, pressing a kiss against his cheek, as his left hand came down to your waist. As you silently stared at each other, you heard the volume of the opera's music return, reminding you of your surroundings. As much as you wished to continue, you knew you couldn't. Fortunately, it seemed Laszlo had come to the same conclusion, leaning back as he smiled again.

"It would be best if we return, before we are found in such a state..." He sighed, almost sadly.

He was right of course. If anyone had gone out into the halls at that moment, the mere sight of your disheveled states would be enough to cause a scandal, something neither of you wanted for the other. You looked away, nodding in agreement as you blushed, bashfully. As if you hadn't just clung to him, wishing that he'd continue. You returned to your seats, the two of you smooth out your clothes, erasing as much evidence to your actions as you could. Once you returned, Laszlo once again placed his hand against yours, drawing gentle circles against the back of your hand throughout the rest of the show. Permanent smile crept to your face.

The opera ended, with Aida and Radames dying in each other's arms. A tragic love story, doomed to fail from the start. But then again, did it truly fail? After all, Aida's people had escaped captivity and she had found her last moments with the man she loved. Perhaps if you hadn't missed part of the story you would've come to a suitable answer. You didn't regret missing it though, finding comfort in a far more enjoyable feeling in whatever it was that was between you and the alienist by your side.

You left the theater, with your arm wrapped around his own, sharing electric glances and soft touches. Once outside, you saw the familiar faces of Stevie and Cyrus, who apparently had been waiting to escort you back. Laszlo lead you to the carriage, opening the door for you. He took your hand, helping you step into the vehicle, before quickly joining you inside. Once settled, you met his gaze once more.

He smiled, warmly. "I hope you enjoyed yourself tonight. John has told me that the opera can be rather dull, at times.."

You blinked, bewildered. Surely, he was joking. You couldn't help but laugh, as you gave him a strange stare. "You're the alienist, Dr. Kreizler. What would you believe?"

Laszlo chuckled in response, taking your joke as a good sign. Lifting his cane, he tapped the roof of the carriage twice, signalling Stevie to start our journey. Your ride home had been much calmer than earlier, and you enjoyed the comfortable silence that fell over the two of you. However, as you neared your home, you sensed that Laszlo had something to say.

"I'm sorry if my reaction startled you, that hadn't been my intention. The troubled minds of other have always been something that intrigued me, yet when faced with it myself, I find myself at a loss." He said quietly. "I meant it when I said you could get hurt, being close to me. Someone I held dear was taken from me, and I still fear that the same fate may reach you, the way it did her..."

He spoke as though a ghost hovered over his shoulder, a new level of vulnerability you'd never seen before. You realized that perhaps this is what John meant when he said Laszlo had been hurt the most by the last investigation.

"I understand," You looked up, reading his expression as you spoke. "But you shouldn't blame yourself for the past. If you truly cared for her and could have changed whatever happened, I know you would have. You cannot punish yourself for something you could not control. If you worry for me, for whatever may come, I know you will work to keep the same from happening."

Laszlo stared at you, a sad smile playing over his face, as he mulled over your words. Once more the silence fell over you. It was only a few minutes more, when you reached your home.

As you glanced out the window, you paused. "Thank you, Laszlo. I had a lovely time, enjoying your company."

"Perhaps we should go to the opera again?" He suggested, hopeful.

"I.." You blushed for what felt like the hundredth time at this point. "I didn't wish to assume."

"Never, kedvesem." He replied, speaking a Hungarian word you hadn't learned yet. But it didn't take much to know that it was an endearment of some sort. "Though, perhaps we should save Delmonico's for the next trip to the opera."

You heart leapt at the notion, sending a rush through you. You gave your farewell, before stepping out of the carriage. Quickly, you did the same for Stevie and Cyrus, once again thanking them for their services for the night. As you watched the carriage disappear into the night, you felt as though you could die from happiness. Stepping into your home, the door being left unlocked, you gave a sigh of relief. The night had been a success and so much more.

You dragged yourself into your private room, tired after the long night.

And in your distracted state, you hardly noticed the small bouquet of roses on your pillow.

#laszlo #laszlo kreizler #laszlo kreizler x reader #laszlo x you #the alienist

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eunoiamaybe · 5 years ago

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my “sort-of-complete” online classes and exams tips

This is a longer-than-usual post with tips for the 3 stages of online classes: focusing during an online class session, reviewing/studying for online classes, and preparing for online exams/ quizzes. So I decided to insert the “Read More” link to (a) not take up too much space on your dash, and (b) feel more confident in adding more tips as time goes on.

These are tips that I’ve compiled from my experience of taking online classes during my last 1.5 years at university. But having all of your courses moved online is so much more complicated. Since I’m currently doing an internship, I have tried my best to produce this post based on the comments of my friends IRL and on Tumblr (hence the “my”). However, I hope it can still be useful for you and many who were all abruptly put in this same situation.

So feel free to share your own tips and experience! I will probably go back to this once in a while to make some changes to it and add your tips. Good luck to everyone who is currently/ about to take online classes. You are almost there! 🍀 I believe in every single one of you!

~ Click away for them tips ~

💻 DURING ONLINE CLASS SESSIONS:

- try to treat online classes the same as an in-person class, especially time-wise (set a specific time for each class and plan your own class schedule. even better, study for your classes at the same time they used to be held. this will create a sense of routine and trigger the brain's normal reactions to your usual class - which is to study)

- don’t be afraid to fix your plan/ schedule (aka don’t force yourself into one if it doesn’t work for you) (trials and errors, my friend. this applies to plans too. there’s no shame in not being able to keep up with the schedule you’ve made. if you’ve tried or if it hurts you mentally or physically, then that schedule is just not the one for you. everybody has their unique strengths and weaknesses. one’s perfect system might not suit another. finding a system that works for you takes time, patience, and courage. but it will be absolutely worth it)

- find a good spot with enough light and stable wifi (if you have multiple options, select the one that would make you most comfortable, most focused, and confident enough to take online tests/quizzes/exams at - create your “exam space” in advance to reduce the anxiety of tests and unfamiliarity)

- study at a desk, if possible (studying at a desk, with good posture, mimics the feeling of being in a classroom or the library. thus, it will create a sense of routine and help you focus better)

- accommodate yourself (I’m all about making the best out of a bad situation, and this is one way to do it. accommodate yourself, not just with comfort, but also with actual necessities that you cannot usually get in your usual classroom/library due to whatever reason. stress balls, stim toys, positivity cards, calming music/candles. comforting plushies. chewing gum. as long as it helps you focus better, it's on the table)

- get dressed (this will bring out that sense of structure and routine that you need. put on your normal outfits, uniforms and even perfume. trick your mind into being focused)

- minimize distractions (declutter your study space. put your phone out of reach. turn off notifications. close all other tabs on your browser. select non-distracting music/ sounds. don’t spam or pay attention to spams in your classes’ chatboxes. only bring along items that are absolutely vital to your focus)

- take notes, even if you can record your lessons and/or access the lessons later (it can either be digital notes or handwritten notes on paper - your call. this will force you to focus and prevent you from zoning out/ being distracted)

- be actively engaged in the lecture (if there are technical problems or if you have questions, chatbox away. this is also good practice for people with social anxiety too: the fact that you are in your home and behind the screen can make it easier for you to ask for help)

- if possible, put your teachers/profs on the big screen to create the illusion of being in a lecture (if your study spot has a TV/projector that can connect to your laptop and quality speakers, do it. it's more fun than you'd think. also super stimulating and kicks the boredom out of you too)

- if not, use headphones/ earphones (speakers can create a feeling of distance between the lecture and yourself. combined with unstable internet and/or monotonous voices of some instructors, this may result in your brain classifying your lecture as background noises and zone out. so use headphones or earphones with the appropriate volume for that optimal focus mode)

- give yourself breaks between classes (don't cram all your classes in one morning. but don't procrastinate either. time your breaks. look at something else besides a computer or phone screen while you’re on break too. maybe brew some tea/coffee for your next class or rearrange your notes from the previous one)

💻 REVIEWING FOR ONLINE CLASSES:

- make a schedule/ system - and be ready to change them (this is an elaboration of an earlier tip. your system doesn’t have to work perfectly right away. most of the time, you will have to make some kind of adjustments to it anyway. so take it easy. pay attention to how well you react/ adapt to the new schedule so that you can make necessary changes. and give yourself - especially your mind - some time to adapt to the schedule. don’t rush yourself or put too much pressure on being productive. remember to take care of your well-being too)

- it’s okay to give yourself some off-days (that’s the beauty of not having any physical or even abstract structure that forces you into an inescapable routine. Yes, I know this lack of structure sucks for a lot of us, especially for those who rely on external forces to keep themselves focused. But look on the bright side: now you don’t have to worry about missing classes or losing participation marks when you are unwell physically and mentally anymore)

- textbooks are your friends now (especially when your classes’ live-streams are just chaotic and hard to follow. or when the pre-recorded lectures aren’t loading properly and keeps lagging. practice speed reading. look for keywords and crucial information. take notes rather than highlighting everything. compare them to your lecture notes, your syllabus, or your friends’)

- take advantage of the online format’s availability + other resources (availability is here, baby! revisit lecture videos and podcasts as many times as you need to. check your email classes’ forums regularly for questions or announcements. re-listen to your lecture when you're cleaning or exercising. watch videos of Khan Academy or CrashCourse. look for online tutors. study at your own pace and in your own style. basically anything you wish you could do when your class was in-person)

- there’s no need to submit assignments early if it’s anxiety-inducing. but make a schedule/ tracking system/ set alarms to avoid forgetting to turn them in (take your time to double-check or edit your work - as long as the submission box is still open, of course. set aside about an hour or two before the deadline for submission to avoid any technical difficulties. and remember to start working on them early so that you don’t have to shorten that window of time and have more time for double-checking)

- don't be afraid to email the profs/teachers (if possible, compile your questions into a list. be as specific as you can about your concerns. put a subject for your email to reduces the chance of your email getting lost in your instructors' inbox.)

- reward yourself (don't stress yourself out by rewarding big accomplishments. reward small victories. reward baby steps. reward effort. you'll get things done eventually)

- take time to know your learning style (when are you most focused? do you like taking digital notes or do you prefer pen and paper? are you a visual or an auditory learner? do you like moving around while studying? what drinks or scents or sounds keep you going? you don't have to stick to your usual study methods or an online/paperless one now that you are studying in your own room)

- listen to your mind and body (it’s okay to feel a bit lost) (from my own experience, times that are without structure like nowadays is when most of us fall into this spiraling downfall of unhealthy sleep schedules, lethargy, and loss of purpose. so please take care of your mental and physical well-being during this very, very weird time. keep yourself active. re-ignite old interests/ hobbies. connect with people you love. give yourself some love)

- and more tips on productivity at home in my last post right here

💻 PREPARING FOR ONLINE EXAMS / QUIZZES:

- make a list of all the online exams and final assignment due dates (this will help you keep track of and stay on top of them due dates. from that list, trace backward to make a review or study plan to prepare for the tests and work on the assignments. if there are any time conflicts, especially for those who are now living in a different timezone from their schools or colleges, email the instructors to seek solutions or alternative options)

- again, find a good spot with good wifi, good lighting, and a desk (if possible, try to recreate your ideal exam environment as closely as you can while studying and reviewing for the exams. this can reduce the anxiety of tests and/or unfamiliarity)

- be prepared for technical difficulties (especially mentally, so that you don’t plan out a course of action to take if they ever arise. draft an email template. research in advance the contacts of people whom you can report to - IT personnel, your instructors, student office, etc.)

- bring everything you need to the exams - but no distractions (like mentioned earlier, if you need any special accommodations that are considered "unacceptable" in an in-person exam/quiz, now it's the time to bring them along - you’re in charge of your test space now, so make it as comfortable and accomodating as you want)

- plan your desk set-up prior to your exams (so many extra items. still so little desk space. therefore, plan ahead so your desk does not turn into a mess when you take your exams. plan where you want to put your notes, textbooks, calculators or scrap paper. think about how much use you’re gonna get out of each item and place them within or slightly-out-of reach accordingly. charge your laptop. sharpen your pencils. have your backup stationery handy. lay out everything you need onto your desk the night before your tests. this can create a feeling of preparedness and thus, reduce anxiety as well)

- make cheatsheets (the goals when making them are simple: (1) get you to rewrite your notes for that good memorization; (2) condense your information and find a connection between them for a thorough understanding of the materials; (3) reduce the time you use to flip through your notebooks or textbooks or google for information during the actual tests)

- time yourself with mock exams (if you are given mock exams to practice with, do them, with a timer. this will help you familiarize yourself with the stress of being timed, thus reducing your anxiety during the actual tests)

- get enough sleep and eat properly (even if the exams or quizzes are online, they are still, at their core, tests. and tests are always stressful and energy-consuming. so take care of both your physical and mental health, especially during the week leading up to your exams)

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cuntess-carmilla · 3 years ago

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hey, if it's OK I was wondering what your experience was when you benefitted from antidepressants to help chronic fatigue? Im currently on 40mg fluoxetine, originally prescribed for anxiety but my symptoms have shifted more to depression and my biggest reason for increasing dosage is an insane fatigue that fluctuates but generally makes it hard af to function. I was sleeping a lot at its worst and I thought it was because if was a lack of motivation/interest that made me sleepy all the time. increasing dosage defo helped this. how could you tell the difference between depression fatigue and chronic fatigue? Come to think of it I still need more sleep than the average person but I assumed that was the effects of my meds leveling out or smn. ty for your helpful posts!

The thing with depression is that it's a mood disorder (you know, emotional states), and negative moods can leave people fatigued of course, but depression on itself isn't physically fatiguing beyond the way in which all negative emotions can have a negative impact in one's physical health due to the stress they inflict on the person.

People who're physically healthy but have depression don't sleep the day away because they desperately need more rest for their bodies to function, it's because, well, sometimes life is emotionally unbearable and you want to sleep away the day in order to escape it (which I'm not minimizing, I've gone through that too).

That's how I started to suspect that it wasn't depression or bipolar, in addition to my fatigue not corresponding with my moods, and the fact that I was showing a lot of other physical symptoms (hypermobility, chronic pain, insanely poor body temperature regulation, hair falling off massively, etc). I actually didn't know the fatigue was because of my chronic illnesses until after a long time I'd already self-diagnosed, since most sources don't tend to mention the chronic fatigue that comes with EDS and that's all I knew I had at the time. Then it clicked that maybeee it wasn't a mood thing.

Keep in mind though that sometimes telling an emotional low from chronic fatigue can be difficult because chronic fatigue is insanely depressing and it tends to come with brain fog (persistent confusion, mental lethargy, difficulty focusing, processing information or articulating thoughts, and so much more). Fatigue and especially brain fog can also make you very anxious because you feel like you're wasting away, like you're useless not achieving anything even though you WANT to do more, and the persistent confusion from brain fog is devastatingly exasperating.

As for the meds, I benefitted specifically from a combination of Wellbutrin and lamotrigine. I thought for a long time that it was because I had whatever it was that I was misdiagnosed with by psychiatrists (first BPD, then bipolar type I), but in reality it was that Wellbutrin makes blood pressure rise in a lot of patients, and one of my chronic illnesses is so debilitating because blood isn't properly reaching my brain unless I'm in a horizontal position or loaded in salt + well hydrated simultaneously.

Lamotrigine makes many people's blood pressure decrease and that's actually bad for me unless I went too far into increasing my BP, and it was part of the reason why my hair especially at the top of my head was falling off so much for years. However, it did help me control the stimulant effect of Wellbutrin. It seems I'm very sensitive to stimulants of any sort (caffeine included), and when stimulants get to me in a negative way I start to have suicidal thoughts and huge anxiety almost immediately even if five minutes ago I was 100% fine emotionally. My insomnia gets much worse too, obviously. Lamotrigine helps against all of those things which is why now I take it at night, and why I went back to only 100mg instead of the 200mg I'd been taking for a few years.

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aphrodicted · 4 years ago

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December (2020) for the Zodiac signs

Let's see what awaits us this December. A general reading for all signs, so the message you receive will be general and may not reflect your current situation. To have a more "accurate" reading, I recommend you search for your sun sign, ascendant, moon sign and your Venus.⁣

ARIES

Love: The World, The Justice: Your love situation has come to an end. People who have a partner will experience an improvement in your relationship. Especially those who aren’t married or have formalized your relationship, since that wedding or that intention to formalize may appear this month. Couples who have recently suffered a distance or a breakup, my cards announce a reconciliation. Others, however, will separate from the couple by mutual agreement, since the relationship has gradually died. For my singles! Your love life is about to change and this month, although we can extend it until January, that dream person will appear to be your future boyfriend/girlfriend.

Health: The Devil, The Strenght: This month you will not feel in top shape and my cards ask to look at the intestines, pancreas and heart. The youngest can suffer from a hormonal problem. If you have the chance, a check-up would be very positive. It’s important to understand this tiredness and give yourself time to rest. It’s a good time to work the mind.

Work: The Hierophant, The Temperance (reversed): Find thoughtful and calm occupations at work. Work on the relationship with colleagues, since there may be an irresponsible person who endangers the work. Responsibility will be essential. The works related to restoration or food will be well aspected.

TAURUS

Love: The Temperance: Your love life will be stable and without great problems. Any discussion or disagreement with your partner will be solved because both of you will work to solve misunderstandings. Some of you can take a little pleasant trip. For my singles: there is a chance to meet someone new somewhere new, be it an open or closed place.

Health: The Tower: Drastic health changes. It’s a warning from the Universe because your body needs attention. Possible physical or moral falls. There is a lot of risk around you and you must be more alert to avoid any accident. The nerves (stress) and the lower back are the most prominent. They also tell me about the kidneys.

Work: The Hanged Man: Bad work time for many of you. There is no motivation to continue working, possibly due to work restrictions or limitations that don’t allow you to demonstrate your potential. The circumstances at work are what they are, but that shouldn't depress you, as it’s temporary. Everything will work out for you, even if things are delayed at the moment. If you are looking for work, an opportunity will appear after a search period.

GEMINI

Love: The Sun: Very good month to enjoy love in any of its forms. Any discussion with your partner or people of your esteem will disappear without effort. It’s a very beautiful month and full of moments to enjoy with those you love the most. However, let you not make a partisan use of your love luck. Remember love contains sharing and mercy among others! Take the time to confess your feelings to your partner, that love interest, and even family or friends. Those of you who are single, it’s a very good month to find a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Health: The Wheel of Fortune: A lot of vitality, strength and energy for all of you who are in good health right now. Those of you who are sick or carry some disease, the letters announce a quick recovery. Be careful with your nerves and any habit or situation that can reduce them and cause anxiety or stress. On the other hand, continue to take care of your diet, since any abuse could reduce you.

Work: The High Priestess (reversed): Prudence with co-workers or your boss. It isn’t a good time to start new projects, since colleagues aren’t about to support your ideas, but quite the opposite. There may be some case of plagiarism. It’s a time of occupational risk, where you can be closely watched by superiors and colleagues. Great caution!

CANCER

Love: The Star: A month in which you must take the opportunity to communicate with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You are one of the most sentimental signs, so take the opportunity to make your feelings and your needs known to your partner. The relationship will be stable throughout the month, but you must work to find that mental affinity that unites you with your partner. The woman in the couple will play a fundamental role this month. Singles can meet someone during a trip or a trip to a place.

Health: The Wheel of Fortune: December should be a quiet and restful period. My cards recommend activities such as meditation, prayer, or yoga. Take the opportunity to connect with yourself and relax. Stress can become your worst enemy this month (much more with all the holidays). In addition, those people who carry a disease follow the same advice, since the improvement will be slower than you would like.

Work: The Death, The Justice: New opportunities in the workplace. Very good ideas for those of you who work with your creativity. Presentations to superiors will be approved. Even seeking partners and expanding the business can be beneficial. Those of you looking for jobs can find one, but effort is key to it.

LEO

Love: The Justice, The Death: My cards tell you about marriage and new relationships. People who have a romantic interest, it’s a good month to propose a love relationship to that person. For stable couples: there is the possibility of marriage proposals or formalizations, although the relationship will be very stable. Yes, there will be positive changes in the love life of all of you. I don’t see you too passionate this month, but I do see you very sure of your feelings.

Health: The Sun, The Tower (reversed): Very good health that suddenly declines. The risks of falls (physical or moral) or accidents are a reality. Be very careful with falls, as they could cause sprains or breaks. Special care with eating during these holidays and with eating too much food that can make you feel bad.

Work: The Judgement: A month where you will feel protected at work. The company, businesses or projects will appear to be protected in a divine way. Some of you can enjoy job promotions during the month of December. However, there are many responsibilities to take care of that can wear you out. Those of you who are looking for work, there is a possibility, but after a lot of searching.

VIRGO

Love: The World, The Magician: For most of you, a cycle ends in your love life and a new one begins. Ready to plant that new seed that can bring you a new love relationship in 2021! Singles must work on your energy to receive a new year full of love. Couples will pass without great ups and downs, since the feelings are reinforced and the relationship has the necessary bases to continue. If any of you think about leaving your partner because you feel that the relationship is dead: it’s time to do it before the end of the year.

Health: The Moon: Anxiety and depression are the main enemies for your health. Work may be influencing your health, so watch your body a little more than usual. Sleeping hours must be respected as well. My cards warn of possible fluid retention and kidney problems. Be careful how you treat your body during these dinner and party times.

Work: The Hanged Man (reversed): There may be unfavorable changes at work for you. Alterations in the workforce, overwork, resignations and sacrifices without remuneration. At least this month. Keep an eye on how you communicate with your colleagues and superiors, as it could lead to problems in the future. Especially with colleagues who could take advantage of your skills and give you some of their work.

LIBRA

Love: The Wheel of Fortune (reversed): A love life full of misunderstandings with your boyfriend/girlfriend during this month. There is someone, possibly a woman, influencing negatively. Calm and honest communication will be essential in solving any problem. Your relationship will be very changeable and the couple may have continuous mood swings. Be careful with taking things for granted. For singles or people who have someone in mind, my cards advise seeking a second opinion before taking the step into a new relationship.

Health: The Emperor: Good health this December. Those of you who are suffering from a health problem, this card announces good recoveries. Although you will have great vitality, it’s advisable to be careful of falls and blows that can affect arms or legs.

Job: The High Priestess: The work you do this month should be focused on the future. The efforts at work will surely be reflected during the next year. Prudence when making employment decisions, there may be delays, and in carrying out new projects that will need prior reflection. There will be positive changes in the future, so work towards your goals. Those of you who don't have a job, you can find one after a while searching (probably in 2021).

SCORPIO

Love: The Hermit: Love will not be with you too much this month, but loneliness is present in your love life. However, take advantage of these days to get to know yourself. Emotional isolation will be positive (especially for singles). For couples there are possible ruptures due to lack of clarity and vision of the future together. It’s a time of little passion in general and of finding what unites you to your couple.

Health: The Star: Good health and vitality. Very good state of mind that will affect your mental health. Don’t seek ulterior motives this month, but be practical and rational. If going somewhere or visiting someone these holidays causes you discomfort, avoid going or maintaining contact with that person. Be careful with your nerves and intestines, since my cards predict excesses of food and drink that can affect you in the future. A medical check-up at the end of the month is a good idea.

Job: The Devil (reversed): Work problems will probably be solved, but you should stay away from gossip. A lot of work, but too hard for you. I feel you unhappy during this month. Don’t look for work advice from family or closest friends, since the solution isn’t there. Talking about work at family dinners isn’t a good idea. Those of you looking for work, this month isn’t a good time, although small paid jobs may appear in black.

SAGITTARIUS

Love: The Tower: Some couples can break up because of cheating or betrayal. Even an argument or a fight with your partner can become a breakup. You must be careful with how you communicate with your couple, as you can cause irreparable damage. The breakup or end of the relationship can be traumatic for some. This isn’t the time to find a partner or start a love relationship because it can end badly.

Health: The Star, The Wheel of Fortune (reversed): Good health at the beginning of the month, but watch out for any emotional or mental ups and downs. Stress or anxiety can become an enemy. Some discomfort of nervous origin or a mood decline may appear. Take care of your mental health and avoid situations that may bother you to these extremes.

Job - The Magician: This month there will be work to do in your workplace. Different job opportunities will appear, whether they are new jobs or projects. However, you need to have a little more initiative and dare to start new things. If you are looking for work, this month you can find it.

CAPRICORN

Love: The Stenght (reversed): You will feel very restless during this month. Possible distrust of your partner that will make you be in a constant state of alert. On the other hand, disagreements with your couple will be very popular. You will not have the same vision of things, even when preparing meetings with the family during these parties or on a sexual level. For singles, someone very cold and of little physical contact may appear.

Health: The Temperance: Moment of balance, harmony and tranquility. It’s a month of carefree and total rest. Lots of vitality and energy that must be used for oneself. It's time to pamper yourself and take care of yourself with something special, be it a treatment for skin, hair, etc. However, don’t fall into negative excesses during the holidays.

Work: The Hierophant (reversed): My cards warn you not to mix work with family or friends. The work should go in a different direction to your relatives, so don’t seek advice from family or friends, as these will not help you as you really need. In addition, my cards warn you of the little companionship you will experience. Peers and superiors can take advantage and give you more work than you really need to do. If irresponsibility comes from you, this attitude can lead you to lose your job. Delays will appear in any labor resolution that may be salary or carrying out projects.

AQUARIUS

Love: The Empress: A month of stability, strength and energy in the couple. You both have the necessary elements for the relationship to work well. If you are looking for a baby, it’s a good month to give it a try. For singles, you can have the opportunity to start a romantic relationship with someone very attractive and with great feminine energy. It attracts many people. However, be careful with that person you are interested in, as they could have a partner without you knowing.

Health - The Wheel of Fortune (reversed): Bone pain, muscle pain, or fibromyalgia. Be careful with falls or blows that can cause fractures! If you are waiting for the result of a medical test, it may be delayed. On the other hand, it’s a good time to connect with our spiritual self and clean those negative tendencies that may be contaminating our interior and connection with your Higher Self.

Job - The Emperor: This month is ideal to carry out action and command work, where you are the leader of a group or a project. It’s a time to work on your relationship with your coworkers and improve your skills to be able to work as a team, as it may be necessary. Collaboration will be critical this month. Be careful those of you who have male bosses!

PISCES

Love: The Justice, The Sun (reversed): My singles can find a partner this month! Especially those who have someone in mind, my cards encourage you to clear doubts and dare. Couples can be living a very good time, where links and formalizations will be the order of the day. The relationship will be stable and without great ups and downs, although you may suffer some easily solvable problems or disappointments.

Health: The Chariot (reversed): My cards talk about foot problems, diabetes, or fluid retention for the next few days. The holidays are approaching and any excess can negatively influence us. Beware of excess food or drink. In addition, it’s important not to forget about our mental health, since some of you could experience some kind of emotional imbalance. You are an externalizing sign, so find those people to talk to.

Work: The Death (reversed): Projects, or work in general, can come to a halt during this month. You may feel like you are wasting your time at your workplace, but remember it’s temporary. If you feel this work regression is haunting you, my cards encourage you to seek a new strategy or, if you have the opportunity, a new job. Those of you looking for work, this month will not appear that opportunity.

#zodiac #horoscope #zodiac signs #universe #december #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #aphro.horoscope

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bigskydreaming · 4 years ago

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Hey friendly reminder that I honestly do not want anyone to follow me unless they actually WANT to which means they are free to unfollow, refollow, leave and come back and leave again or WHATEVER as many times as they want, for any reason whatsoever. Including if my posting styles of the moment get to be too much for them or are not to their liking, etc?

BUT I have been seeing a surge in comments in notes and stuff on various posts of mine about the length of my posts or the rambling of my posts and like....I know? This is not new information to me? But I post the way I post at any given time based on the resources I have at any given time and the fact that its often a matter of I can post a long rambling post or I can make no post at all.

Like, I really truly do not like going into specifics about my situation more than necessary or when not necessary, because like, my situation is boring to me, I don’t particularly care to dwell on it any more than I have to. But the fact of the matter is its still a thing that exists so here goes: yes I have physical issues like near constant migraines and pain and also vertigo, and yes I have neurodivergencies like C-PTSD and ADHD and yes I have circumstances that include near constant stress from eternally being in the negatives, financially, as well as being almost constantly hungry from a lack of money and limited options for eating due to the physical constraints of my jaw as well as being consistently sleep deprived because there’s only so much sleep you can get when there’s no such thing as a physically comfortable sleeping arrangement for you currently, all while existing in a constant limbo of I literally have NO idea when any of this will change for me because haha fun fact WE LIVE IN A PANDEMIC.

My point is like......all of these are things I’m not shy about, but they don’t exist as bullet points in a checklist of identity or circumstantial traits, they all exist at all times as points of fact that influence and inform and interact with each other.

So my financial situation and limbo of not being able to move forward with my surgery because of the chaos of the health care industry during a pandemic directly informs both the way stress impacts my mental health issues, but also my ability to treat my mental health issues by way of medication, nutrition, rest.....ie, almost every cent I make via work, etc, goes right back out the door to keeping up my insurance premiums of $850 a month, because even though my surgery is paid for, there’s still elements like hospital stay fees, anesthesia, etc, that won’t be paid until the day of surgery itself, and which I will not be able to pay without my insurance remaining current and active. Which means that I had to prioritize an insurance package that would net me THOSE benefits, which means I had to sacrifice parts of insurance that are no longer in that package, but which previously made things like my medications, refill appointments and therapy more affordable for me.

Which means that I have to prioritize my medication and therapy etc and maintain my therapy and PTSD, depression and anxiety meds as the most important to upkeep, while my ADHD meds are pretty much priced out of accessibility for me at the moment. Like, the specifics of my metabolism and various trial and error with different meds over the years and the way my body rapidly adapts to various meds and plateaus to a point where they cease to have any real impact on me means the only ADHD medication that’s consistently effective for me is Vyvanse, which there isn’t a viable generic form of that I can take, meaning a monthly refill of it is $350 without insurance, which I flat out can not ever afford anymore, which means its been roughly two months since I last popped an ADHD pill.

So yeah, that directly impacts things like my ability to self-edit, make a point briefly, or refrain from circling back to the same point several times over and over because I literally forget that I made it.

Now of course ADHD medication is not the be-all and end-all and its not like there aren’t various other life-hacks and coping strategies for working around ADHD even without it, after all, I didn’t even get diagnosed until I was 26. But these various other adaptations rely on things like good nutrition (which I can not regularly afford, or even consume....most leafy green vegetables for example, or fruits other than berries, are literally nonstarters for me because I don’t have enough leverage with my one-sided jaw to CHEW them in the first place, and the ingredients for making smoothies regularly are again, expensive). So nutrition as a hack for ADHD management is pretty much out - I’m too busy prioritizing eating anything I can, whenever I can afford to. Other adaptations involve getting lots of rest: something that again, physically isn’t all that viable for me these days, even leaving aside the effects of constant stress on attempts at getting meaningful rest, along with the constant stress and constraints of trying to work as much as humanly possible in my circumstances, in order to keep bringing in income to go to insurance, rent, and food and meds. Then there’s also the stabilizing effects exercise and physical activity can have on the brain and various neurodivergencies like mine, but the migraines and vertigo make most forms of exercise a nonstarter for me, with most of the rest invalidated by the fact that I’m pretty much always hungry, tired, and in chronic pain.

Now let’s examine work and the viability of obtaining more sources of income to help with all this. Well, my options are limited there too due to the ecosystem of factors in play. I’ve been trying for awhile to find even a part time job in my area I can do, but the problems are even though I can make myself mobile and active through my pain issues and migraines, and am even good at gritting and bearing it and acting like I’m smiling and laughing and happy even while in excruciating pain (yay, perks of childhood abuse making a career in retail viable even while practically dead on my feet, lololol)......there’s the simple physiological limitation that I just can’t stay upright RELIABLY for more than a couple hours at a time. Eventually, dizziness knocks me on my ass. Downside of a jaw that’s constantly hanging with all its weight from one side of your face, fucking with your ability to even stand up straight, not to mention causing inner ear and equilibrium problems at random whenever you open or close your mouth in the wrong way (or mere approximation of ANY kind of way).

So, standing upright at any kind of customer service or retail job is one issue. Stocking stuff, that sort of thing.....not really an option when you’re likely to drop all of it at any given moment. But then there’s bracing myself at cash registers, something like a job at Starbucks or hell there’s a Jamba Juice nearby, that’d also get me an employee discount for smoothies I can drink regularly. Course, there’s the whirring of blenders and such, which pair great with constant migraines. Etc. Etc.

BUT. I’m a well-rounded person with lots of skills....which lead to things like my freelance graphic design business as a book cover designer, as well as various writing endeavors, etc. And all of these are things that I DO do, currently. They’re how I make my income as is. There’s absolutely more jobs out there, but the fact is as a freelancer, FINDING additional jobs is a time consuming and spoon consuming process, that is additionally impacted by factors like ADHD, so not only does looking for work require time that’s not already being spent working, it also requires the management and expenditure of mental resources that I have to prioritize FIRST towards applying them to what work I already DO have, given the absence of ADHD medication and minimal coping or regulatory habits allowing for me to be all that productive WITHOUT said meds.

Not to mention the strain sitting in front of a computer all day for work in venues like graphic design, etc, puts on migraines, so there’s only so many hours I can devote daily or in one sitting to doing things like cover work. Much of my writing time is spent not actually writing, but me just dictating into notes on my phone and then copying and pasting all that into the appropriate formats for fiction, nonfiction and just random posts. Of course here then I have to prioritize applying my mental resources to first making sure the stuff I write to make money gets edited or properly pared down to size and isn’t repeating the same shit over and over and over, then doing the same to stuff I write fic wise as one of my few escapes from Real Life BS so I can at least point to having SOME kind of life (as this has been my daily existence for years, and uh.....people having things they like or like to do, as much as is humanly feasible, only becomes MORE of a necessity the more stress involved in their day to day life, not less).

Meaning by the time I even get to posting, like.....as much as it may look like I do a lot of it, the speed at which I write when I have any kinds of spoons to apply to posting or composing thoughts at ALL means I actually pour out a lot in a little span of time.....BUT that’s not like, a Skill so much as its a Fact. Its just the way I am and it comes with its downsides as well as its upsides....Im good at banging out a lot in a short amount of time, but ONLY when I just....let it go, versus try and regulate it all or squeeze it out bit by bit. I’m a sprint poster these days rather than a marathoner, even if the length of my thoughts makes it LOOK like the latter.....the reality is for me it tends to be all or nothing, its whatever I can get on the page BEFORE I lose my breath or train of thought. So that’s why it looks the way it does, because that was the only form it was coming out at the specific time and space when I had the energy and brainpower TO get it out, and going back in hindsight and editing it for clarity or brevity AFTER I gasp it all out requires energy and breath I do not have PAST that point, so it becomes a simple equation of well do I want a post to exist here at all or not at all.....and I err on the side of posting. This isn’t a defense because there’s nothing to defend, mind you, I’m simply explaining my way through my thought process, approach to things, and realities of my day to day existence for you to do with whatever you want. Its just a perspective you may not have had before. Whatever.

Of course, even this doesn’t exist in a void. Something that’s always a factor in my awareness when posting is like......I’m lucky enough to have a large enough following that cares enough about what I have to say for whatever reasons or puts enough value in what I have to say or the things I write and create, that I’ve been able to supplement my financial needs when absolutely necessary at times, by way of donation posts. I try not to lean on them more than necessary because I am keenly aware that they are a gift from people, many of whom I do not know and will likely never meet, and as such, not something I have any form of expectation for. I make donation posts when and where I do not in the anticipation of getting them met, but simply for a lack of any other options whatsoever. I’m limited in the work I can do, and the time and energy I can devote to finding more of that same work. There’s not a ton of other career paths I can pursue even from behind a computer due to my lack of a college degree, and the fact that even when I’m qualified skill or knowledge wise, I lack the specific credentials for verifying that I possess those skills or knowledge in a way employers are inclined to recognize and/or validate. Going BACK to school to get said credentials is an expenditure of time, finances, and other resources I do not have to spare at the moment or any time soon, especially not in the name of shoring up a lack of all that in the present term.

I dropped out of college freshman year after my gaybashing and rape. I never went back to it for a variety of reasons that were only half about resources and half about intent. My family is not a presence in my life and hasn’t really been in any significant way since I was eighteen, so college in the first place was something I had to be entirely self-sufficient about....I was only able to afford to go the year that I did go by way of academic scholarships that were dependent on grades I couldn’t keep up in the wake of what happened to me, and that I couldn’t exactly ever get back without a foundation to build upon, like high school and my initial academic career. Then in the half that was about intent, I eventually moved into pursuing my actual interests like writing, graphic design and acting. One of the things I’ve always loved about those is that output and portfolio nets you more than credentials most of the time....they ARE your credentials. I was actually pretty damn successful as an actor for years, not in the way that leads to being someone that people would recognize, but in the way that leads to being able to support yourself doing what you love. All the skillsets that I have but could not back up with things like a diploma were still useful to me as an actor in a way that they’re not in terms of getting things like tutoring or teaching jobs.....I speak multiple languages but I’m self taught, I have a black belt in karate, I’m a classically trained pianist, I know a whole lot of shit about random shit that I just learned because I wanted to, and all of that got me the kind of work that I was looking for and meant I COULD work and make a living off those things for years throughout my twenty....work that I would not have been able to get if I had been back sitting in a classroom instead. The primary currency of my years as an actor were life experiences and I had those in spades, and I was very good at what I did, if I do say so myself, and the reasons I never advanced further career wise tended to have less to do with whether or not I booked the roles I auditioned for and whether I got the auditions at all......

I’m getting a bit off topic here but I’m just saying there’s definitely a convo to be had at some point, about the roles and opportunities I turned down because I wasn’t willing to sleep with someone or put up with their advancements in order to do so. Something that’s a dime a dozen in Hollywood and the thing is.....I was a sex worker, for years, before I moved to Hollywood and started working as an actor. But there’s a distinct difference between the way people talk about, interact with and perceive someone who’s gotten roles because of sex, advanced up a corporate ladder because of sex...versus, gotten paid because of sex. I didn’t turn down offers of roles for sex because of my hang-ups about sex but rather other peoples’......I had a problem with various parts of the industry that would have thought nothing about me getting a role because a producer wanted to sleep with me, but would have turned up their nose at me because I slept with someone to get money for groceries before. Basically I’m just saying the specific bullshit Hollywood has not just about sex but predatory behavior got in the way of my career advancement because there were some games I just wasn’t willing to play....which hails from the very life experiences that oftentimes made me so good as an actor in the first place.

Which brings me back again to my main point......none of this exists in a vaccuum. Being the sum of our life experiences and variables means being the SUM of that, at ALL times, both in large and small ways. We are never just a LIST of identity traits or experiences. They all constantly loop back around and feed into each other and inform where we are at every second of every day and where we GO in each second, what we DO with our days and the choices we make.

Which is where so much of my discontent with fandoms, on social media in general, with PEOPLE in my day to day life comes from: this desire people have to compartmentalize, to ZERO IN on specific factors or variables or instances and act like it even CAN be divorced from all other influences. Its not that you can’t FOCUS on one thing at a time, its just even when you do that, that doesn’t like....snap all existing connections that thing has to everything outside of your area of focus.

As an example, my attitudes on being a survivor and various kinds of fiction get me a ton of pushback from various corners, and its all geared around the same premise: don’t like, don’t read. Put a wall up between you and it. Focus on just what you’re doing and forget what everyone else is doing.

But it doesn’t work like that. It CAN’T work like that. And this commitment people have to pretending it does just because that pretense has been working for them, THAT, I’d argue, is the true wedge in fandom spaces.

Everything about me is connected to something else. I’m a childhood abuse and incest csa survivor. When my therapist asks me to picture a moment from my childhood when I felt safe or protected, I got nothing. I don’t have that resource. I don’t know what that feeling is meant to feel like, because I never felt it. And that connects directly into the fact that when I was gaybashed in college, after they dumped me in a fucking park, bleeding and covered in writing, I didn’t even think about going to the hospital, the police, let alone calling anyone like my parents, I just picked myself up and walked back to my dorm, cleaned myself off as best I could, and went to class next Monday morning. That’s fucked up, I shouldn’t have had to, but its what I did, and there’s no divorcing that from any of the contexts of WHY that’s what I did, and why I didn’t think there was any other logical recourse or option for me then. Just like all of that also links back to growing up in the closet and entering high school the same month Matthew Shepherd was attacked, and then when he ultimately died two months later, and watching everybody’s reactions to that informed the fact that I did not remotely feel safe in the aftermath of my attack, disclosing what happened to people around me, or just like I didn’t take it on face value that even if they said appropriately sensitive things to me to my face didn’t mean that like when I was a freshman in high school and everyone was reacting to that, they wouldn’t revert to callous jokes about fags the second they felt a little less out of the spotlight or in the right company for those jokes.

And all of that directly links into my feelings not just when people write rape and gaybashing scenes that make no attempt at any kind of catharsis but rather only appear to exist for the fetishization, the glamorization, the VALIDATION of the idea that in the right context, those kinds of scenes can be hot to the right audience rather than demoralizing to the figure who’s pain and humaniliation is required for everyone else’s entertainment....but it also additionally plays into the reactions and attitudes I have when people look at me going “wow, really don’t like the lens you’re using here or the environment you’re creating around an experience that is never anything BUT painful and traumatic for someone who lived it, like I did” and choose to respond to that by saying things that amount to “well you’re basically just like conservative southern assholes who hate free speech when you say stuff like this,” cuz y’know.....that’s describing my literal oppressors. That’s lumping me in with the actual literal kind of people who are the SOURCE of my trauma there, all because you felt butthurt and defensive about how I said I wasn’t comfortable with the kinds of jokes and output you were making about scenes that aren’t that far divorced from my own personal reality, and that I shouldn’t HAVE to divorce from my own experiences just to exist within certain fandom spaces.

And just like the fact that being an incest survivor is directly relevant to the fact that my stepmother always made an effort to keep me at a distance because not wanting to admit to what happened to me and how it played into our family entanglements was directly linked back to the fact that she and my aunt were both incest survivors who never got the opportunities to deal with what happened to them, which in turn directly plays into the fact that ultimately my aunt ended up taking her own life a few years ago, which also very much informs my attitude towards people interacting with incest ships as something cutesy and uwu, as my aunt was literally the only person in my family I ever WAS close to or comfortable with. And there’s no divorcing any of that into nice neat little compartments that make it easier for anyone on the outside looking in to just peek through ONE window to see what they might see, and try and act like it doesn’t matter what’s in any of those other boxes because it has nothing to do with the only one they want to concern themselves with.

And my lack of resources and emotional state post gay-bashing led directly into my sex work for various reasons, which led in various ways to better things for me in some respects, while compounding certain traumas of mine in other respects, and there’s no divorcing any of that from the rest either. There’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was good’ even though some of it was and there’s no ‘my time as a sex worker was bad’ even though some of it really was. And a lot of the attitudes of some of the rich assholes who paid me for sex and viewed me as a plaything they could do anything to directly informs my resistance to letting powerful assholes in Hollywood hold roles over my head in exchange for sex, even though the latter could have advanced my career in huge ways and led to me being a lot more financially stable and self-sufficient by the time my physical issues emerged due to the jaw joint on one side of my head eroding through and snapping completely just like that in turn was a long-building repercussion of not just my gaybashing, but my decision to never go to the hospital and get checked out after it.

None of this can be cut away from the rest and trimmed into neat little pieces that don’t color outside the lines or impact anything else. Just like my gaybashing itself can’t be divorced from my white privilege, and the fact that it played into the fact that I survived that night in the first place. Something I say not in some weird white guilt kinda way like people try and project onto others for even acknowledging white privilege, like no its not like I fucking wish I died to prove some kind of weird point, what I’m talking about is just the simple basic AWARENESS that multiple and even contradictory factors exist in even the most extreme of situations. And its never anything BUT self-serving to pretend that you can frame it as otherwise.

And so when I talk about being a survivor, just like with all the rest of this, I’m not talking about some arbitrary status of survivorhood that exists in a specific point in time and is only relevant to some singular event I survived, its applicable to everything about my life big and small. I’m a survivor every single day I’ve survived, every day I wake up and keep moving forward despite the pain and stress and lingering trauma of what was done to me one night sixteen years ago, I’m surviving what they did every bit as much as I survived it that night and in the morning after as I dragged myself back to my room. Just like my status as an abuse survivor stemming from childhood directly informs everything about not just my coping mechanisms but my entire freaking worldview as someone who grew up throughout childhood learning to view the world through a lens in which he was simultaneously not safe due to the presence of victimizers in his own home, while at the same time still having certain protections that others don’t have in life in general due to not just again my white privilege but my male privilege, my cis privilege.

And that’s what makes it so laughable and so offensive when people act like I’m defining myself by being a survivor as some kind of singular identity trait whenever I raise it as something of relevance in fandom discussions that have EVERYTHING to do with stances of abuse apologism and homophobic ideas that directly play into why I was so unsafe in certain parts and times of my life, because who the fuck is anyone else to tell me how my experiences as a survivor and how they shaped me are or are not relevant to ideas pertaining to those very things, when brought front and center and face to face with me in various fandoms due to the insistence of fandoms at large on KEEPING these things front and center in almost ALL fandom discussions? Like, the hilarious irony of people who have so wholly centered certain types of ship and content in terms of their own personal fandom identities that they can’t help but feel personally attacked when someone so much as says “I don’t like the ideas you’re broadcasting alongside your choice to amplify and signal boost this kind of content because you’re not JUST signalboosting the content itself, but these specific perceptions of it and ideas in support of and in apology for it.”....like, turning around and saying IM too defined by my views stemming from my existence as a survivor. The call is coming from inside the house, lolol.

Again, none of this can be divorced from the rest. It can be focused on one piece at a time, but its connections to everything else that informs it in various RELEVANT ways, can not be made IRRELEVANT just because you don’t like the picture that forms when you’re forced to look at the WHOLE picture instead of just willfully condensing the frame to just the part you like or want to talk about.

And to bring it all home, looping back up to what I opened with:

Do you know how often I hear people say shit about the length of my posts or the rambling nature or in various ways act INCONVENIENCED by various things about how they have to interact with my posts when that interaction itself is still completely voluntary?

Taking in everything I said in this post, the way it all interconnects and informs other things, I’d like to ask anyone who has ever objected to some post somewhere or derided one because of something as ultimately nonconsequential as the length of it, something where its literally just like....scroll a few more seconds......do you apply the same energy and scrutiny to posts that cross your dash that are filled with various things like racism, transphobia, rape or pedophilia fetishization or abuse apologism, or do you let that slide by without acknowledgment before looking at a post that makes you sigh because of how fucking LONG it was and think...this, THIS is what I’m gonna choose to speak up about?

Because that’s ultimately what this is all about. Here’s the kicker with everything I said....my life could be better, I want it to be better, from the biggest aspects of it and pain issues to stuff just like.....the fandom communities I immerse myself in for my own attempts at having something to counterbalance real life stress. But at the end of the day, there’s no my life sucks or my life rocks....its still just...my life. And it has its good as well as its bad, and that ultimately hails from my choices, and the fact that like....even while there are choices I literally CAN’T make, I can be comfortable with the ones I DO make.

And so like......would my life be easier in some respects now if I’d gone back to school and gotten a diploma and had more job opportunities available to me? Yeah, for sure. But that awareness doesn’t mean I regret my choice NOT to go back to school when I DID have more opportunities for that, because the acting career I had at those times instead was the choice I made, with intent, and its one I’m still glad for making. Those experiences still matter, still meant something and still mean something to me.

And do I wish that I’d coped with what happened to me in college in different, healthier ways that would have given me more tools for how I interact with my trauma and who I became after that, rather than how I did? Yeah, sometimes, for sure. But not without losing my awareness that the choices I did make at the time were not made in a vacuum, and can not be edited in hindsight....there were reasons I made them, reasons that were informed by everything that had happened to me previously and stemmed from a lot of things I still didn’t have control over and as such always placed a cap on the range of choices that were available to me back then, because there’s a difference between choices that exist in theory versus choices that exist as something that might viably be chosen at a particular place and time.

The world is big and complicated. Life is big and complicated. WE are big and complicated. And nothing about understanding any of that is IMO benefited by putting most of our effort into SHRINKING our worldviews, constructing artificial frames that don’t just focus us in on specific aspects of it for finite periods but attempt to then treat that as its own individual thing utterly disconnected from anything else that might be going on OUTSIDE that picture frame.

So if you’ve read this far and you’ve taken anything away from this big long rambling post that could be a lot shorter, could be a lot less rambling, but could also just not have been posted at all and I’d rather have it exist in this form than let everything in it go unsaid.....

My request would be that your takeaway be this: to look at your choices in regards to some specific finite interaction in even just one of your fandoms, and see what happens when you open the frame back up. If you widen the scope. If you let other things into the picture. Are you still comfortable with the choices you make or don’t make in light of THAT image, are they any different from the ones you made or would have made when keeping things as small and contained in your awareness as possible, just because that was easier for you to conceptualize, easier to navigate around, just....less COMPLICATED?

Because things aren’t made less complicated just by the mere fact of WANTING them to be.

And if your choices are more born of what you’d say or do IF the world were as finite or as limited as its sometimes easier to pretend it is......is that really the approach you want to go with and the reasoning you want to stand by?

And similarly, if there are choices you make and that in ORDER for you to feel comfortable making them, you feel a need to tighten your focus or shrink your worldview around one specific element or area and leave out all the rest and only then are you truly comfortable with doing or saying something, like......

Its important to remember that this isn’t the only option you have for making yourself more comfortable with things you say or do or think, or even just have in the past.

The other perfectly viable option exists: you can simply....make different choices.

#this is a post #im not entirely sure how else to describe it #just that it is not necessarily the post that it looks like beneath the cut that it looks like above the cut #so all I've got is: this has been a post #make of it what you will #lololol #its....whatever #ANYWHO

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bloodys44 · 4 years ago

Text

Silence and Cigarette Smoke

Original story and bonus content found here! ↓↓↓↓

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13289933/1/Silence-and-Cigarette-Smoke

(Also I’m so sorry the last chapter posted all jumbled together like that. And also that I’m to garbage to fix it) The issue with chapter 7 not being viewable though ff.net also seems to be resolved so feel free to read some more if you enjoy. :)

Warning//Gore

Chapter 4: The Post Birthday Bloodbath

788

The dull thundering of a train traveling over laid track had always sounded soothing to Lucy. Whether it was a version of simple white noise or one of few comforting memories from her days of running, she could never tell. Something about the rhythmic sway of the train car, mixing with the light hum of the metal hovering. She would argue that she never slept better, besides maybe sleeping near Natsu during the cold winter months. A perk she had come to favor about him over the years. And yet, the rattling of their train compartment lacked its usual lulling charm, her mind wired yet not focused on anything in particular. The dark of the sky had crept up slowly, tearing apart the wicked blue that it had previously embodied. Stella wasn't overly far away, a neighbouring continent overthrown by the Fiore army. Majority of the land was underdeveloped, a cluttered mess of forest and mountains. A singular city near the center was all that resided on the vast land, thus keeping the name of the continent itself. Their train wasn't due to reach the platform until the early hours of the morning, and Lucy couldn't help but let an annoyed sigh escape at the thought. There were at least four more hours of traveling remaining, and time seemed to be passing at half it's regular speed. Not to mention the fact that her companions were sleeping soundly, letting the night slip away without a worry.

They had lucked out with a train equipped well for travel, small, but personal compartments lining down each side of the train's cars. The compartment's themselves were nothing extravagant, simple cloth-covered benches mirroring one another. The sliding door creaking obnoxiously when it was opened. If anything, it's most astounding feature was the lingering smell of old shoes and musty wood.

Lucy glanced over to her pink-haired partner, smirking with slight pity for the boy. Natsu had never served well with travel, a rather astonishing relationship with motion sickness. Even in his sleeping state, she could tell he was miserable, clutching the edges of his stomach with purpose. Porlyusica, the guilds head medical attendant had explained it stemmed from his dragon-slaying abilities. Supposedly his senses were so over heightened, the motion of vehicles rattled his own sense of balance. Still, it didn't make it any less enjoyable to tease said boy about it. Currently, he was seated with his shoulder blades pressed heavily into the cushioned backrest, leaning his head against the chilled window pane. A frame of light fog splaying from where his skin connected, the contrast in temperatures causing the reaction. Natsu was always warm, his average body temperature running much higher than that of a regular human. Though when he slept, it usually spiked much higher, his concentration lacking, barely keeping his own skin under control. He had never voiced it to Lucy, but she knew it was a draining task for him, his wild emotions always causing it to fluctuate. When he got overly flustered or rageful he became damn near scalding. Lucy never really minded it, especially in situations like this, his natural body heat making for a cozy effect. She was curled up on the opposite side of the bench, her back resting against the wall connected to the sliding door. With a muffled groan she moved to remove her freezing toes from the constraints of her boots, deciding to take advantage of the living heater across her. Tucking her feet under his left thigh carefully, she relished in the heat before his sudden jolt startled her. Almost instantly the warmth retracted, simmering under his pores. A slight pout overtaking her lips while she stared at his wide, yet sleep-filled eyes. Of course, he would wake up from the sudden change in atmosphere, the boy always on edge while away from the guild.

"Sorry," He mumbled sheepishly, "Did I get too hot again? I didn't mea-"

"No, it's alright, I was just warming my toes." She cooed, interrupting his typical nervous ramblings. "Sorry I woke you."

"S'all right, wasn't sleeping that good anyway." He shifted in his seat, stretching his strong arms wide with a rough yawn before facing her again. His eyes trailed over the compartment quickly, stopping briefly on all the exit points. The door, the window, and the emergency exit placed snuggly between the roofs panels. His shoulders taking on their practiced tense state as he strained his hearing. Lucy could barely hold back the amused smirk that danced over her face when she saw his nose twitch. Her lips only pulling back wider as he continued his practiced motions, checking the surrounding area for any danger. The nose on that boy could beat that of trained hound any day.

"What, afraid the black wizard might get ya?" She teased, wiggling her fingers at him for emphasis.

Natsu only sighed embarrassingly, scratching at the side oh his throat. Subconsciously acting on his traditional nervous habit."Sorry, Stella always-"

"-Makes you nervous," She finished easily. "I know." She slid her feet deeper under his leg, adjusting until she felt comfortable again. His on edge behavior wasn't unusual when they traveled through Stella, always becoming an anxious mess that intensified greatly the closer they got. He never delved into details about it, always stomping her curiosity with a simple defense. Just a bad feeling. She could practically feel her eyes rolling, hearing his voice clearly pronounce the words in her head.

"Honestly, it makes me nervous too," Lisanna added on a whisper, sluggishly pushing herself up from her resting position. Delicate fingers brushing the sleep from her electric eyes. "After all, its where Zeref was born."

Zeref. The great black wizard. A mage trailed only by the stench of death, or so the legends say. Though he hadn't been sighted in years, his very name still struck fear into the hearts of mages and non-magic users alike. A young boy with the tongue of the devil. His very words a magic vice on your mind. He controlled what he wanted, and that was that. "They say he's immortal." The white-haired woman started again. "A blade couldn't pierce his heart."

Now Lucy's eyes really did roll in their sockets. "Please, your only going to rile him up more." She gestured over to Natsu who served her a practiced annoyed frown. "He'll be on edge until we hit Magnolia again."

Lissana giggled slightly, turning her attention to him. "Don't worry, nobody's seen him in years, it's nothing to stress over."

"Doesn't mean he's gone." He bounced back. "Regardless, there's enough to worry about in Stella with or without him." Lissana's brow arched, curiosity plain as she questioned the statement. "Stella's crawling with royal knights, it's the second base from the border of Bosco."

"I thought there was a ceasefire?" She pressed, to which Natsu scoffed.

"They won't stop until they find Mavis's grave."

"What do they want with the holy goddess?"

"Mavis was the first grand witch," Lucy interjected. "It's rumored her grave carry's the secret to eradicating all enchantments."

Lissana hummed in understanding. "So basically mages should be avoiding this area?" She laughed weekly, crossing her arms with lazy movements. "What a perfect place for us."

"If we keep our hoods up we should be fine," Lucy stated pointedly. "Stella's train station is the major rest point between Seven, Bosco, Iceberg and Joya, there's lots of travelers with new faces. Makes it pretty easy to blend in. Besides, nothing remotely bad has ever happened to us while traveling there. It'll be good to keep our wits about us, but Natsu's major anxiety is a little overkill."

"I just have-"

"A bad feeling?" She finished for him again, rather cheekily. "I know." She nudged him with the top of her foot at his exaggerated eye-roll. "I have no doubts we'll make it back just fine. Lissana peeled her legs from the front of the bench, pulling them upwards to rest her chin on her knee.

"Aren't you from Stella, Natsu?" The man grunted slightly, stiffening and sending the woman a warning look before granting a structured nod.

"Did you ever see him as a child? The black wizard I mean. I think he would have been a few years older, but still a child back then."

"No." His response blunt and harsh, pushed over his teeth. Lucy quirked a brow, scanning over Natsu intently. He crossed his arms at her curiosity, a blank statement that he wasn't planning on explaining the situation further. Lissana sighed, placing a hand under her delicate chin.

"Stella is where Gildarts found Natsu as a child." She explained to the blonde. "He grew up there."

"Come on Lissana." He hissed back. His arms twitching as they stretched over his chest.

"How come you never told me that?" Lucy pressed, fixated on the man's jittery movements. "I thought you didn't remember your childhood?"

"I remember bits and pieces." He slumped backward obnoxiously, deciding that he was definitely stuck in this conversation now. "I just never thought it was important."

"You know where I grew up." She defended shortly.

"Geeze," he scoffed at the blonde playfully. "Like that was a hard one, Princess of Fiore."

The blonde found herself pulling a pout. She wasn't trying to be rude, only holding genuine curiosity about her best friend's life before her. "Well, maybe we could stop at your childhood home before we leave? It would be nice to see where you grew up." Her face warming as she beamed at the boy.

"It doesn't exist anymore." The words forced roughly from his tongue. "I burned it down." She didn't miss the slight twitch of his shoulders, or the way his voice threatened to crack. He puffed out a never mind before claiming he was getting some air, the trains rattling my stomach. A blunt end to their conversation. He was up in a single movement, pushing through the door and ignoring the wine of the sliding mechanics as it slammed back to its original closed resting state.

"Don't take it personally, Natsu's very protective of himself." Lissana tried, (as if Lucy didn't already know that) hopping over to sit next to the blonde. "I shouldn't have brought it up, I only know because I was there the day he arrived. I thought maybe he would have told you, finally opened up to somebody."

"Why would he open up to me? You've known him much longer."

Lissana huffed playfully, tossing her hair with a flick of her wrist. "Even I can see the way he looks at you, all doe-eyed and bashful. It's hard not to notice really."

"Natsu is anything but bashful." Lucy scoffed, giggling slightly. "Though I'm sure I could say the same for you."

"That's sweet of you to say," The fair-haired maiden flushed, "But I have my theories." Lucy stilled for a moment. Was she making a joke? Natsu had never pushed the boundaries that they had established over the years of their friendship, unlike he pushed for the fair-haired woman. Maybe it was because her feelings were so blatant, easy to play off of. Not to mention the comfort fo the family dynamic he shared with her siblings. It's not like she could find any reason she wouldn't want to notice casual pining in her direction, especially from somebody like him, any girl could dream of being so lucky. It was just that it didn't happen like that, and she didn't see any change for the future.

"You're ridiculous." She decided as a response, to which Lissana chuckled fondly. The rest of the trip remained rather silent, even after the dragon slayers return.

Meeting with the client went well, no arguments or concerns from the traveling wizard trio. The client himself was nothing out of the ordinary, a common man whose mother had been a successful wizard. Though he possessed no enchantment of his own, he held the secret of magic secure. The man owned a gracious amount of property in the city, majority of the population's homes falling on his land. Expressing his concerns for the people he bid the group luck as they headed to find the feverish bandit group that had been terrorizing them. Natsu didn't remove his face-concealing cloak, let alone speak during the whole exchange which only left the blonde wondering if he recognized the man from his childhood years. Unlikely as it was, she couldn't shake the suspicion; her friend's body language balancing on peculiar.

The bandit group, Twilight Oger (or so they called it.) had taken up residence in the city's abandoned mine. Converting the tunnels into a makeshift base. The group had established a rather daunting reputation with the city of Stella, the citizens growing too weary to attempt to run them out on their own. The royal guard batting an unusually blind eye. The rumor of their supposed sex trafficking didn't sit well with Lucy either. "We should set up a plan," Lissana suggested lightly. Her voice a much-needed contrast to the silence they had been walking in.

"Walk through the front doors and knock some heads."

Lucy shook her head playfully at the brash fire-breather, shoving his shoulder slightly. "I think we should split up," The peppy white-haired woman continued. "It would be easier to sneak around, a stealthy approach might be best considering we don't know how spread out in the tunnels they are."

"Also easier for one of us to get caught off guard. Aren't these thugs notorious for trapping woman?"

"You aren't traveling with common woman Natsu." The fair-haired woman retorted back. "Don't be so degrading, we can handle ourselves just fine." The peaceful smile she sported did little to sweeten her harsh words. Though Lucy found herself nodding slowly in agreement. "Plus it'll allow me to try out my new spell without you two getting in the way." She winked cheekily.

"I dunno," the dragon slayer mumbled, scratching at his throat in practiced fashion. "I really think we should stick together, I have a bad feeling about this place." Lucy could practically taste the anxiety of his words as they dripped over his chin. They should probably listen, Natsu's suspicions usually turned out to be right. But his overly annoying constant worrying from the city made it hard to distinguish his keen senses from his blind panic. Nothing ever happened to them in Stella. A nieve approach yes, but also a chance to prove herself to the man that always seems to protect her.

"I think it should be alright," the blonde finally interjected. "The tunnels should echo enough to hear one another if we call for help." Natsu simply shook his head muttering an annoyed Whatever under his breath. She felt kind of bad, gaining up on the man. This was supposed to be his birthday mission after all. But in all honestly, Lucy found herself surprisingly excited, an opportunity to show her teammate how far she'd advanced. A fully-fledged Fairy Tail member that could handle her own.

The group traveled to their destination at a quick pace. The air filled with Lissana's constant enamored pestering towards a certain Salamander. Lucy more distracted by the winding paths of the city's streets, decorated sporadically with aged trees and vegetation. She thought it was rather sweet, how well her two teammates were getting along. Even with Lissana's words on the way over. It was nice to see Natsu's pleased expression towards the woman. A long-time childhood friend and admirer. Though their newest member still bristled her, Lucy made a silent promise to invite her out with them more. It was nice to travel alongside another female, and if it made Natsu happy, then she was sure she could live with it.

The sun was beginning to set by the time they arrived, the night sky pouring out for its time to play. The stars blessing Lucy's soul, her magic vibrating deliciously under her skin. Her power almost doubling in the light of the night. The moon's shift was her favorite time to cast. As they stepped through the taped off mine entrance she could practically feel her excitement begin to bubble over. Traditionally she held a rather level head during missions, keeping her partner's explosive personality in check. Yet she found herself letting go, ready to show off her own power.

"I really think we should push through together," Natsu mumbled under his breath. The words so foreign on the rambunctious man's tongue; always ready to run ahead of the group in search of action, yet never far enough away that he couldn't protect those closest to him. It wasn't a secret that he was much stronger than his usual travel partner Lucy, but she didn't want him to feel obligated in protecting her when he already does so much.

"Come on, it'll be fun!" Lissana bubbled, already skipping off towards one of the winding shafts. Lucy's lips pulling into a smile as she began following her lead towards another turn-off.

"Lucy." Her name pronounced like rocks on cement, jaded and sharp. She spun on her heel carefully, her smile falling at the dragon slayer's serious tone.

"I can take care of myself Natsu." She mused. "You don't need to hold my hand all the time."

A low grumble resounded in the boy's throat as he ran his rough fingers through spiked locks nervously. "Geeze Luce, I know I don't." She raised her eyebrow at his cautious tone. "It's just.. last time you were on your own I found you beaten half to death in the middle of the forest."

All mocking aside, Lucy felt her temper skyrocket. Of course, he didn't think she was capable. "I'm not a fragile little princess anymore. That was years ago." She spat, anger boiling over. "You don't need to save me all the time."

"I know, I know... I just want you to be careful. Sometimes you have trouble keeping your magic under control during the night."

"Like you're one to talk, you burn everything around you the second your emotions get out of wack." Internally she knew her anger was getting the better of her, words falling from her jaw faster then her mind could process. He was just worried about her, as a caring teammate should be. The pained expression he was now wearing only verified that fact. Mindlessly her fingers began fidgeting at her belt. Her lungs pushing her spitfire attitude out with a breathy exhale. "I'm sorry Natsu, that was uncalled for. I shouldn't have said that. I'm just excited is all. I'll be careful, I promise." Natsu's deep onyx gaze burned into her for a moment before he nodded, although reluctant, it was an agreement none the less. She reached out, squeezing his wrist confidently before turning back to face her chosen path. "You be careful too! Mira will surly cut off my head if I bring you home needing more stitches."

The forgotten shafts were confusing, to say the least. The floorplan coming across as sporadic and unplanned. There was little that argued what a great hideout it made, trapping its victims in a maze until they were prayed upon by vicious ogres. The lack of security flowing down the halls only proving that their targets felt the same way. Lucy had only run into two men along the way, their skills lacking, making it an easy victory for the blonde. The lack of scream's echoing offered that her teammates were fairing the same. Even with their earlier agreement that stealth was the best option, Natsu had never been the quiet/silent type. Especially when fired up in a battle. Either the mine shafts didn't share sound as good as Lucy had estimated, or he hadn't run into anyone just yet.

The must that surrounded her intensified greatly as she progressed, the smell practically suffocating her. Senses dampened by its nature. The only sound around her was the clack of boots connecting to the rocky earth, and the creaky hinge of the lantern strung to her hip. The ground becoming less and less traveled. It was peculiar really, with the placement of the mine so central to town. One would think at least a few curious teenagers would have come to poke around before rumors had sprouted about Twilight ogres appearance. And yet her footprint's were the only evidence of human life.

Groaning loudly, Lucy spun, heading back towards the entrance. Agitated that her luck pulled her towards one of the unused routes. Expectedly her group had already rounded up majority of their targets while she wandered around uselessly. Placing her palm to her forehead she let out an embarrassed huff. All her big talk was for nothing, the harsh tone she had used against her friend making her mood plummet even farther. All she could do now was pick up her pace and hope she could make herself helpful with tying up loose ends. Lucy always hated when jobs turned out this way, especially when Natsu insisted she collected her portion of the reward despite her actual effort. Not that it mattered today, this mission was supposed to be for Natsu after all. And truthfully after Lissana had decided to join them she had done nothing to make the trip enjoyable for her pink-haired friend. Silently she promised to the empty halls that she would apologize to him when they finished their job.

When Lucy rounded the corner back to the entrance she was debating which tunnel to follow. Pacing back and forth in front of Natsu's entrance before resolving that his nose probably led him exactly where he wanted to go. With quick steps she bounded down the winding hall's, trying her best to stay along the path of the firebreathers signature sandal footprints.

A scream that caused her blood to run cold echoed around her with striking prominence. Lissana's sweet tone coming across shrill and ragged. There wasn't a moment to process before Lucy's legs propelled her forward. The sound of angelic sobs guiding her path. Any and all excitement she had previously been consumed with smothered like a candle without oxygen. The shaft began to blossom with light as she rounded each corner, the weight barring planks becoming more and more re-enforced. If that wasn't already enough clues she was approaching the center of the base, the newly constructed grand entrance that appeared before her did.

Acting quickly, Lucy pressed herself against the corner of the doorframe, analyzing the situation before charging headstrong into the commotion. Obviously, the treacherous group had put some work in. The cavern dugout to be much larger than anything man-made underground should be. Large metal lanterns decorating the ceiling with patterned placement. Casting enough light to see, but not enough to dismiss the eerie atmosphere. Small beds, makeshift furniture and gang members coating the outer walls while the center remained bare. Except of course for the probable main event of their evening.

A rugged-looking man stood center a wooden stage-like platform. Greasy hair curling over knarled shoulders. Even in the dim light, Lucy couldn't miss the disgusting gleam of the man's golden teeth. Oh so typical of a rich bandit. But what really caught her off guard was the squirming woman entrapped by his rugged arms, top strewn aside leaving her covered only in lacy white undergarments. His chapped lips smirking into her cheek while he pinned her against his bare chest. His one hand prying dirty fingers into her supple mouth while the other pressed a rusty blade to her exposed stomach. Though not enough pressure to break skin, it was just enough to make Lucy's mouth run dry.

"Let her go." Natsu's enraged voice scrapped over every surface, demanding attention from all living things. Lucy cast her eyeline off to the side, finally noting her partner's presence. His clothes looked slightly battle-torn, but overall he looked un-worrisome. His expression was firm, lips drawn into a tight line while his eyes trained on the enemy standing before him. Even from her placement on the other side of the cavern, Lucy could feel the scorching waves roll off of him. A terrifying might in the face of adversity.

"What are you going to do about it fire boy?" The man's shrill voice causing Lucy to shiver. "Even if you get rid of us, more will come. Those royal soldiers are very eager customers. And there's plenty of women to go around here." Natsu lunged forward, feet indenting the ground with sheer pressure. The man howled playfully, cackling like a madman as he sidestepped out of harm's way. Lissana squeaking at the sudden movement." Natsu spun quickly, fang-like teeth bared while he coiled his muscles, ready for his next pounce. "Make a move like that again and I might have to carve up your little girlfriend early!' The blade against her stomach pressed deeper, causing Lissana to jolt, a high pitched screech crawling between the man's fingers. A sloppy line of red spilling from her torso down the hilt of the blade. Natsu looked frozen, his eyes never daring to stray from the glint of metal. Mind fighting with his anger to consider the safest course of action.

Shit shit shit. This was definitely not how Lucy had expected to reunite with her teammates. Instantly her fingers shot into the confines of her purse, searching desperately for the lone piece of white chalk she always carried. Mind racing dangerously through her memorized incantations. Though her magic wasn't necessarily designed for hand to hand combat like Natsu's, she held a natural talent for spellcasting. Confident that she was capable of at least making a big enough distraction for Natsu to proceed, she started scratching the lines of a practiced magic circle. The white of the chalk easily visible over the dark rock beneath her. Her frantic hand movements made the lines far less legible then she preferred, but it would do for now. The blonde dropped her weight to the floor, careful in her attempt to stay silent as she crossed her legs. Delicate palms slapping against the earth over her created circle. Her eyelids slamming shut in concentration while her lips parted for the whisper of incantation. Almost instantly the very ground beneath them shook with purpose, guiding cracks up the walls and spewing rocks from the ceiling. She didn't worry about frightening her teammates, she knew Natsu could smell her, even with his focus concentrated elsewhere. Hopefully, they could get this situated and escape to safety before she brought heaven's wrath down atop their heads. The spell itself was no easy feat, calling upon the gods light to alter the earth. Lucy only capable of casting it under the light of the moon. No doubt it would bring attention from the townsfolk their way, but at this moment the blonde thought it was the best course of action. She could feel the shudder under her legs as the shafts hidden deeper under the earth collapsed, the roaring sound of rockfall scattering through the cavern.

Natsu's strong tone carried over easily as he sneered cheekily, "Now you really fucked up. Gone and made the angel mad." Even in deep concentration, Lucy felt a smile drum at her lips.

"I already knew there was three of you. We thieves hear of all magic activity in Stella. She's no threat, pesky fairies lack the resolve to drop the ground over the heads of their 'comrades'."

"Bet." The dragon slayer's singular cocky reply sang like a choir to Lucy, pushing her magic to expand outwards. A sickening crack bestowed over them, one of the main support beams snapping under pressure. The scared cries of ogres screaming far louder. The blond's brow furrowed slightly as she felt her very skin vibrate, her magic fluctuating drastically. "You're okay Lucy." Natsu's voice rang true, obviously taking notice in her power surge. Yes, she was O.K. She wouldn't falter so easily when her friend's lives were on the line. She just had to keep the main cavern intact a little longer, enough time for them to escape. She was strong, and she could do it.

The man continued to cackle hysterically, bouncing his weight between his feet. "Bad move fire boy." He taunted. All Lucy could hear was Lissana's blood curtailing wail and Natsu's panicked shouts when she realized they had lost. Her lashes fluttered open, eyes rolling uncomfortably as her vision was obstructed by blinding light. She couldn't stop. She was losing control, just as her partner had foreseen. Her own magic blinding her sight.

"Lucy!" Natsu's worried screech reached from the main cavern. "Cut the fuse!" A pit burned its way into the depths of her stomach, fear of how this situation was going to end if she couldn't regain control. All she had wanted to do was help, and now the situation was only going to get worse. Splinters of support beams rained furiously over her, enraged with being disturbed after so many silent years. She felt her body shake with the earth's pure ferocity. "Please, Lucy!" He tried again, his voice swirling with Lissana's wild screams. She still couldn't stop. She was going to kill them all.

Lucy wasn't sure how many agonizingly slow minutes had passed when her vision finally re-focused, disturbingly strong hands clamping around her delicate wrist's and pulling her back to earth. And god, what an unpleasant sight to be greeted with. Two men that reeked of whiskey and sex smirking greedily at her.

"You's a pretty scary witch when you're casting, eyes going all white and shit. Body twitching like an addict." Lucy scrambled back frantically, her spine slamming into the stone arch. The men leaping upon her with a timed pounce, pinning her tightly against the frame. The first man stretching his fingers around her chin. "But yet, your so pretty. I'd have fun breaking a little thing like you." His alcohol glazed tongue searing along her creamy cheek. Lucy screeched vividly in disgust, springing her knee upwards to the man's groin. He recoiled with blunt movements, swinging his arm around to backhand her. The ferocity splitting her skin. "You sly bitch!" He fired another shot to her jaw. "You's makin' enemies with the wrong person." She tried to pry her head away from the man's violent swings, eyes scrambling to take in her surroundings. Small pebbles and dust still gave way from the ceiling, but the ground seemed to have relaxed, her magic cut out at the roots. The tunnel she had originally traveled down lay in ruin, barley leaving enough space for a full-grown adult to crawl back to the light. Thankfully though, the traumatizing screams had stopped, Natsu's much calmer voice the only thing ringing out.

"You okay Lucy?!"

If the blonde hadn't received another painful blow to her lower lip she probably would have snickered. "A little preoccupied at the moment." She grunted, purposely spitting the blood that was pooling around her gums over her assailant's face. She bucked her legs intently, thrashing around like a child until she freed one of her arms. With a sinched brow she slammed her palm over the first man's chest, muttering a simple incantation that caused her hand to pulse. Holy light rained down again, this time pin-pointed above her enemy's lungs and flinging him backward through the semi-demolished doorway and into the main cavern. A short victory smile produced from her mouth before she felt her body tremor. A light, yet firm reminder of how much magic she had just finished exerting, and how fragile it made her body.

Sucking in a deep breath she tried to muster strength from tomorrow, using her free hand to claw into the dirt. Muscles protesting annoyingly while she pulled herself away from the remaining man. "Not so fast witch." His tone twisting the word to sound like a vulgar insult. The hilt of his own blade striking into the round bone of her ankle. A torn wail exhaled from her, reacting to the pain but thanking the heavens that she hadn't heard the crack of her bones splitting. It wasn't much, but it gave the man an opening, tucking his legs in only to spring them out into her back. Shoving her ungracefully through the frame to join the rest of the crowd. Lucy cradled her ribs carefully, attempting to regain the air that man had so rudely ripped away from her. She was only able to catch a glimpse of her dragon slayers unreadable expression before more greedy hands tore her from the ground, dragging her center-stage to join the 'show'.

"Well fire boy, I suppose thanks are in order." The leader mewled again tapping his now drenched blade against a whimpering Lissana's torso. "Bringing me two of the most beautiful woman in Fiore and barely puttin up a fight to keep them." He was taunting now, voice never losing his deranged laughter. "Don't know why to maidens of this caliber are slugging around with someone like you, but I guess I should give you a little credit," Natsu growled darkly, his body growing tenser (If that was even possible), muscles coiling dangerously. The leader followed Lucy with hungry eyes, watching as Lucy was strung up by another man in the same manner as Lissana. The only difference was the blade pushing fearfully hard against the pulse point of her throat, leaving her stomach out of harm's way. Honestly, she wasn't sure which she would prefer more. She watched Natsu's dark anguish filled orbs bounce back and forth between her and Lissana. She tried to capture his attention, pleading with him by expression that everything was going to be alright. That he should focus on the more injured of the two and leave her to her own devices, but his glance never lasted long enough. "I know!" The leader piped up again excitedly. "It seems a little unfair to steal away both your girls after that pathetic display," He toyed, "So, how about I suggest a little game?"

"I ain't playing shit." Natsu responded bluntly.

"Don't be such a downer fire boy, this will be fun."

"Every time I hear that, things don't usually end up being that 'fun'." He spat. relaxing his tight fist momentarily before clenching it again.

The leader only smiley devilishly, continuing his frantic knife tapping over Lissana's stained skin. "I'm going to let you pick one." He decided. "Pick a girl to take home while one rots away under some pompous sex-deprived guard." The look on Natsu's face practically shattered Lucy's heart. One of absolute horror that something like that had even been offered to him. His singular broken reply of sick bastard weighing heavily on the limited oxygen.

"It's okay Natsu," Lucy offered dumbly, wincing when the tip of the blade punctured her skin. Hot thick liquid oozing down her neck, threatening to break her resolve. "Take Lissana out of here, I'll be alright." She tried to produce a weak smile but Natsu's sad cold eyes froze her as he shook his head. She gulped loudly, feeling the blade press deeper with her every word. Her captor obviously not pleased with her speech. "Please." She tried again, but Natsu only shook his head faster.

"No way in hell."

"This is so not the time to be stubborn." She retched, cringing at the sticky feeling coating over her chest. She tried to ask him again but the blade slid uncomfortably under her skin and all she could summon was strangled yelp. Surprisingly, it did nothing to help the exchange.

The dragon slayer's eyes bulged, raising his arm's defensively, voice frantic and lost. "Stop!" He yelled, "Don't hurt them anymore, give me a second to think!" She had never seen the man look so uncomfortable.

Lucy slammed her eyes shut at her holders' increasingly wild movements, jerking the blade against her without a care. "This is ridiculous lover boy," The leader spat over his laughter. "I, out of the goodness of my own heart offer you back one of the women you practically dropped in my lap. And you cant even decide which pussy you'd rather ride? Pathetic!" He hollered, the rest of his goon's joining in. "I'm good and bored now, you sucked all the fun out of this. I don't even need these girls!" At this point, it was hard to distinguish words through his manic howls. "You have three seconds before I just kill them both." Natsu's attention snapped back to him like his mind was finally processing the events that were about to unfold.

The cold-hearted cheering of a slow count sprouted from the other members. Starting at Three and barley pronouncing the O in One before all hell broke loose. The roaring sound of metal clad boots slamming into the earth above, signaling the extremely overdue arrival of the royal army. Bandits screaming and crawling over one another like wild animals in search of escape from a rabid predator. And Natsu's scalding shoulder crashing into her sternum, throwing her away from the wicked man's grasp. She rolled roughly against the dirt, hand shooting to her throat to pressurize the bleeding. She was gulping greedily for air when she heard the stomach flipping joyful voice cry out above the commotion. "Good choice! I think I would have picked her too." Nothing but freezing, blood-curdling cries followed. Lucy felt her limbs stiffen at the sound, her chocolate irises the only responsive part of her body. Taking in her horrific environment with shocking detail. Natsu was only a few steps away from Lissana, His body recovering quickly from surging towards her, propelling him back to the remaining prisoner. But a few steps was a few too many, and Lucy and her partner could do nothing but watch as their friend was quite literally gutted before them.

Blood had always been red. But nothing compared to the deep scarlet pooled around the stark white of Lissana's being. An enraged bloody titan plucking the clouds goddess right from the sky and dragging her to the fiery pits of hell. That is, if hell consisted of somebody shredding your torso to smithereens and hysterically laughing as vital organs spewed through the skin. Lucy was sure that in this world, nothing would ever hold a candle to the vile scene displayed before her. The grotesque sound of a lifeless body crashing limply over its inner parts. The ferocious roar of a wounded dragon casting thieves to scaper away, a high pitched squeal on their lips. All the while a daunting march of hungry war men encroached on them.

Lucy's head snapped painfully back to reality. They couldn't stay here, the army would swallow them alive. The Ogres were sprinting out of a tunnel near the back of the cavern, no doubt another way out laid beyond it. They still had a chance. With a silent prayer to all that was holy, she pulled herself up from her shambled mess on the floor. Taking rushed staggered footsteps towards her partner and the offending carcass in front of him. "Natsu..." She croaked. "We need to get out of here." She rested her palm on his shoulder, placing most of her weight on him. Her ankle lacking in its career of helping her walk. He didn't seem to notice her. Lips quivering as he muttered under his breath, fingers twitching, coated in the blood he had tried to prevent. "Natsu, we need to go..." She tried again, giving the man a light shake.

"We can't just leave her here..." His broken cry pleaded, head-spinning to meet her gaze. Never, in all the years Lucy had known Natsu, had she seen him cry. His deep onyx eyes swimming with salty tears, his raging passion extinguished. Her strong motivator completely shattered before her, frantically attempting to scoop spilled organs back into a frayed body. The footsteps of soldiers drawing ever closer as her own tears spilled over.

"Please Natsu." She sobbed, gaging slightly as blood bubbled from the split in her throat. She thought his previous expression succeeded in breaking her heart, but the look he was giving her now practically split it in two. A mangled pain-ridden yell erupting from his chest while he grasped Lucy's wrist, dragging her away from their murdered friend and the on slot of guards that inadvertently let it happen.

Again, check out the full story here! ↓↓↓↓

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13289933/3/Silence-and-Cigarette-Smoke

#natsu #natsu dragneel #lucy #lucy heartfilia #fairy tail #fairy tail fanfiction #fan fiction #lisanna strauss #zeref #Nalu #nalu fanfic #nalu fanfiction

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ambitionsource · 4 years ago

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Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

#a class #answered #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive

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inspectormila · 4 years ago

Text

Mirror’s Edge || Sharmila & Erin

TIMING: Current (POTW)

PARTIES: @inspectormila, @corpse--diem

SUMMARY: Mila goes to discuss Erin’s recent fire. Things don’t go well, but not for the reason you think.

Sharmila wasted no time once she returned to White Crest in opening and reinvestigating each and every fire that occurred in her absence. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her department to do a thorough job, it was just that they weren’t that great. They weren’t her. Every accidental fire and explosion case she could convince the chief to hand her was now splayed across her dining table in loosely organized chaos. Most looked like accidents, but there were a few questionables. The explosion at the morgue, for instance, but she would grill Cece about that later once they’d had a few drinks. The second was also close to home, Nichols’ Funeral Home. Not only were there people trapped inside, one of their own had actually been killed in the blaze. Mila didn’t know Roland well, but he had always been nice to her when they passed in the halls. It was still a tragedy. And it was still suspected arson. Why it had been shoved by the wayside was beyond Mila and she would make damn sure she got to the bottom of it.

She hadn’t given Nichols much of a heads up, calling the woman when she was already on her way, notebook and tape recorder in hand. If the reports were correct, she was seen having an argument with an unknown person just before the blaze broke out. Mila wanted to make sure she caught the woman off guard in case she had something to hide. Most arson cases in town were owner caused, more often than not because of insurance fraud. How silly. She would always find the truth, didn’t they know this by now? The sun was just beginning to dip low behind the trees when Mila’s louboutins clicked their way up the driveway. Reaching out a perfectly manicured finger, Mila rang the bell and called out. “Hello? Ms. Nichols? It’s Agent Darzi? I called on my way over?”

Erin didn’t have a chance to appreciate the anxiety that brief phone call had given her. Just knew that some Agent Darzi was on her way to her apartment right now with some questions regarding the fire that brought down half of the funeral home. This wasn’t her fault--not this fire, anyway--but how was she supposed to explain herself here? Sorry, some asshole with magic fingers and a vendetta torched the place? Also, please don’t worry about the recent arrest on my record? She probably didn’t need the caffeine but she put on a pot of coffee anyway to busy herself while she waited. When the doorbell rang, Erin ran a hand down her mouth, trying to steady her heartbeat, reminding herself she hadn’t been the one to physically set the building to flame. She wasn’t innocent but this part she couldn’t take all the credit for.

“Agent Darzi,” Erin smiled tightly, nodding her head in greeting, a little taken aback by how young the woman was. Age hardly mattered when it came to whether or not she had the ability to toss Erin right back into that depressing holding cell. “You can just call me Erin. Come in, please,” she insisted, moving aside to let her in. The coffee was already set up on the table and she guided her towards it. “Coffee?” She asked, trying to loosen some of the tightness in her throat and started pouring two mugs before Agent Darzi had the chance to decline or accept. “You said you had some, uh--questions? About the fire?”

Sharmila smiled and entered the apartment, glancing around casually before following her mark towards the coffee. She breathed in deep, inhaling the warm scent before placing her things on the table, making herself quite at home. “Oh I would love some, thanks!” She reached out, letting the cup warm her hands. “I didn’t get a chance to inject any caffeine this morning, so this is a godsend!” She chuckled, attempting to put the woman at ease. Mila knew all too well how stressful law enforcement home visits were and in her experience, you caught more flies with honey than vinegar. “Yes,” Mila frowned, taking a small sip. Dark and bitter, just like she liked it. “I’m so sorry about your losses, I’m sure it’s come as a great heartbreak. Unfortunately, as arson is suspected, we have to do a thorough investigation. You understand. Just making sure everything’s in order!” Mila set her coffee down and began rummaging through her bag, pulling out a few folders. “Now, did you have any insurance policies on the building or business? Unfortunately money is almost always the real cause for these things.” She raised her perfectly plucked brows in a gesture of innocence. “Not that I’m blaming you for that! Just the facts, really. We want to make sure whoever is responsible is dealt with accordingly and if you do have a good insurance plan, we want to make sure you can get back up and running as soon as possible!” She smiled, tapping her pen expectantly on her pad of paper.

The woman sure was eager, wasn’t she? Erin would’ve appreciated the enthusiasm more if it wasn’t her case she’d decided to double check. “Totally understand. You’re just doing your job, here,” she smiled, trying to be gracious about Agent Darzi’s efforts. God, that would be nice, though. Kicking the insurance into gear, getting construction underway, going back to work. Her smile lifted more genuinely at the thought. “I’ve got all of that information right here. All that I could find on such short notice, anyway. Not much from my office made it out.” She tried to ignore the crackling of fire in her ear or Blanche’s screams of terror. Still felt as real as it did two months ago. She cleared her throat and pushed the folder towards her. “The only thing that’s changed in the past few years is the policy owner, from Jack Nichols to myself. There’s a few extra things because of the nature of my business. Equipment’s expensive to replace, but that’s about--”

Erin took one short look at the coffee pot, then another, longer this time--and jolted back with a start. A woman’s face hovered beside her own, obscured and abstract due thanks to the shape of the pot yet horrifying. She looked… dead. Pale skin cracked around the curves of her face, darkening to almost black around the eyes. “Jesus!” She yelped, turning to look behind her, knocking her full cup of coffee all over the place. There was nothing there, and nothing in the coffee pot when she looked again. What the fuck? She jumped again when the hot liquid dripped onto her lap. “I--shit, I’m so sorry. I don’t know--” she started, standing up, limbs shaky from the sudden fright as she grabbed some towels from the kitchen and started to clean. The papers were covered in coffee. “I thought I saw--something.”

Mila nodded, her lips pouting a bit. “Of course, so sorry to spring this on you again, I guess I don’t know what to do when I’m not working so I like to dive in head first!” She reached out and began flipping through the documents. Nothing looked out of order, no expansive insurance policy that would pay for her second home in Cabo. But then there was that mention of an argument...Heated arguments were explosive in cases like this. “Now, I’m so sorry to ask but do you have any enemies? Old coworkers, competing businesses, anyone who would want to see your home burn? There’s a note here-” Mila looked down to her file a split second before coffee and papers went flying. She jumped back, swatting a few stray droplets from her Chanel pants. “Oh! Are you ok??” Mila set about drying off her papers, bristling at the idea that maybe there was something suspicious in here after all, but one look at Erin’s face told her maybe not to jump the gun. Her hands hovered over the papers. “Ms. Nichols, are- what’s wrong? Are you alright? You’re shaking...Here just hand me some paper towels, I’ve got this. No use crying over spilled coffee, right?”

“No, no, I’m fine!” Erin insisted, trying to take a deep breaths. She was just seeing things. That’s all. Stress, lack of sleep, and a trick of the light would do wonders to mess with anyone’s mind a little bit. That’s all it was. Besides, this place was fully warded against anything even resembling a ghosts. Even fires, thanks to Nell’s helpful addition. Blanche had even come to double check them all. They had nothing to worry about. Nothing. “God, I’m sorry. This probably looks… not great.” She had to laugh as the adrenaline slowly started to loosen itself from her limbs. Her nose crinkled at the ruined paperwork and she slid a worried hand down the side of her face. “Whatever you need from me, I’ll be happy to replace. I’ll get the insurance company to send over more copies too, if you need them?” She asked, hoping that her blunder hadn’t made her look even more guilty than before. With the table cleaned, and the coffee pot reflection free, she sat down once more, trying to smooth over this shamble of a meeting. “You were asking about… enemies?” She stiffened, narrowing her eyes, shrugging innocently. “Nope. None that I can think of. I mean, competition for funeral homes isn’t exactly stiff in this town, if you know what I mean.”

Mila knelt down and collected what she could, handing back a few of the more ruined documents to Erin. “It’s fine, really. I would like to have some copies, but maybe...let’s email those over to my office directly?” She gave a small smile. Whatever had spooked the woman seemed to be gone now, but it raised the question in Mila’s mind, what if something similar had happened with the fire in question? That would make it an accident, not intentional arson. She scribbled down a quick note before looking back up. “Luckily all of this,” she waved her folder casually. “Is backed up multiple times. Can’t work in the business of fire and destruction without assuming accidents might happen to you too.” The lamia tried to center herself back into the task at hand, hoping Erin wouldn’t be quite so jumpy for the rest of their meeting. “Are you- oh good lord.” Mila grinned, slapping a hand on her knee. “No, I suppose it isn’t is it? No one plotting for your business, hm? Now…” Her face fell a bit, shifting from her jokes. “There was a witness who saw a man speaking with you just before the fire. Can you tell me about that?”

Oh good, they were both full blown punning now. That was a good sign Agent Darzi wasn’t about to find her guilty and slap some handcuffs on right now, right? The thought was ridiculous of course but after her first go around, Erin wasn’t anxious for another. An easy laugh fell from her and she sat back in her seat, trying to push the image of the woman in the reflection out of her mind. This was fine. “Plotting for my business. That’s a good one,” she pointed towards the other woman. “No, no. Believe me, my life is ridiculously boring,” she answered, lying so seamlessly it almost felt true. More of a wish, than anything. Her nerves had finally seemed to settle when she saw it again--just behind Darzi in the mirror on the wall. There was no mistaking it this time. Erin froze, no longer listening, just stared back at the wretched and angry face locked on hers. The woman’s black lips parted, gaping open as a wail burst from her throat, inhuman and raspy. “MURDERER!” the voice bellowed, pointing in her direction.

Erin flew backwards in her hurry, taking the chair down with her, an icy fear shooting up her spine. What the fuck? What the fuck? Another scream left the woman in the mirror, her finger pointing in Erin’s direction. Suddenly, she was in every part of the room, all at once, in every reflection. Pointing and screaming “Murderer!” at the top of her lungs. It was almost as if she didn’t even see Agent Darzi. Murderer. Guess that was her. Fuck. “Run!” she hollered at the other woman anyway, scrambling over some of the moving boxes on the floor on her way down the hallway.

If she was honest, Mila hoped this woman was innocent. It was always hard to file a case against the good ones, nice people who maybe just needed some extra money or in an accidental passion sent their home or business up in flame. Hell, wasn’t she a little hypocritical at this point? Not that she ever lit up anything important or owned by someone else. “Ridiculously boring can still have it’s sharp edges,” Mila replied, tapping the end of her pen against her leg. Mila watched as Erin’s face went blank, white as a ghost. She was familiar with the look of horror, but it wasn’t aimed at her. Instead her eyes were focused on a point behind Mila’s head. “Ms. Nichols? Are you- what are you-” Before she could finish the question, Mila slapped her hands to her ears. The inhuman screeching echoed around her brain and she cursed her lamia parents for giving her perfect hearing. “What the hell was-” Mila didn’t have to ask. Suddenly in front of her were fractal images of a pale, horrific woman, screaming. Murderer. Mila’s eyes went wide and she jumped back from Erin. She’d never committed a single crime against another person, there was no way in hell she was a murderer. She’d never eaten a person, only animals, and nothing sentient. Her parents had always been adamant about that. Erin screamed at her to run, and while she was hesitant to follow an apparent murderer, she did just that. The alternative was to hang out here with a bloody mirror ghost and Mila wasn’t overly fond of that option. She dashed back through the hall, following Erin’s lead. “What is that thing??” She cried, wondering if this is what Ms. Nichols thought a ‘ridiculously boring life’ would entail.

Erin didn’t look back to see if the agent was following her, just booked it down the small hallway. This was absolutely the part of the movie where she’d be screaming at herself to run out of the apartment but--here she was anyway, fucking off into her bedroom. “Murderer!” The accusing, angry voice yelled again from the mirror above her dresser. From the window next to her bed. Even the half empty glass of water on the table. She was everywhere. Pointing still, directly at Erin. She didn’t know how she knew, or even who the hell this woman was, but she was relentless in whatever the fuck this pursuit was. Justice? Truth? Erin reached for the closest thing near her, a lamp, and tossed it at the mirror. The glass splintered, breaking off into pieces, but the woman only appeared again and again in each fragment, like an inescapable nightmare. “What the f--” Her eyes were wide and she looked for Darzi. “I don’t know! I don’t know. You’re--you’re seeing this right?” The reflection shifted from a two-dimensional horror into a very tangible reality as the woman reached out from the picture frame directly beside Erin. She didn’t have time to dodge the cold hand that grabbed her, wrapping around her throat, holding her to the wall as the rest of her slowly eased out of the reflection.

Panic overwhelmed her better senses, pushing Mila further into the home after Erin. She toppled into the bedroom moments after she heard glass shattering, only to see even more ghastly faces reflected back. “Yes I’m seeing this! But what is THIS??” The ghostly woman had no heat signature, obvious that she wasn’t among the living, but Mila had never seen a ghost. That’s what this had to be, right? It’s not like zombies crawled out of mirrors and attacked people- which was exactly what this bitch was doing. “Oh my god!!!” Mila shrieked, throwing herself towards Erin, unsure what, if anything, she would be able to do here. “Get off her- you- BITCH!” Her hand wound around cold flesh that wasn’t really flesh and she yanked with all the strength she had. It wasn’t enough, not by a long shot. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for anything that might help. God, where was a giant sword when you needed one? “Hold on, Ms. Nichols!!” The woman’s gasping was sending new waves of panic through her. She barely knew this woman, but she refused to let her die, not like this. With no knowledge of whether or not it would work, Mila set her sights on the mirror the ghastly woman was currently climbing out of, raising a stilettoed heel and bringing it sharply down on the glass, sending the woman into fragments. “OK let’s get the fuck out of here!!”

Darzi was on her attacker, fast, and Erin was never more thankful for the agent’s impromptu visit. Her vision was beginning to blacken when she heard the mirror shattering beside her head. The air rushed back into her lungs the second the ghostly woman’s hand dissipated into thin air and she took greedy gulps, stumbling forward into a full out run. “What the fu--” Erin yelled hoarsely, starting and stopping through every turn in her relatively small apartment. It wasn’t big but every reflective surface taunted her with that face, again and again. She didn’t think, just booked it right out of the apartment, leading the way for the agent. The woman was everywhere still. In the windows, the framed stock art on the walls, even the full reflection in the elevator. Relief came in the form of a dim stairwell. No reflections--just concrete, steel and the low glow of the exit sign. She dared to pause, just for a moment to catch her breath, clutching her throat. The woman’s hand had been so cold--like Dale’s had been. A shot of anger piggybacked her sharp fears. “Shit--are you okay?” She managed to ask, leaning against the wall. “Thank you for that--christ, she nearly killed me,” she huffed out incredulously. Still trying to stabilize her breathing and heartbeat, eyes flickering constantly around the room, before landing on the other woman again. “What the fuck was that? Who the fuck--?”

Mila didn’t pause, following Erin out of the apartment as fast as she possible could. Everywhere they turned, there was the woman ‘s face, now staring menacingly at herself too. Fuck. Her heart hammered in her chest as they reached the stairwell, a blank canvas, not reflections in sight. She didn’t even dare pull out her phone for fear the woman would appear in the screen. “Yeah,” Mila replied breathlessly, her hands on her knees. Thank god she was used to running in couture footwear. “Yeah I’m ok...how’s your neck?” Her eyes scanned Erin, looking for any readily apparent damage, but other than the choking incident, it seemed more of a mental fuck than anything. “Do you...What- you didn’t recognize her or anything?” Mila leaned against the cold concrete and rested her head back, thinking. She’d lived in White Crest long enough to know a thing or two about strange occurrences, she knew there were ghosts and werewolves and vampires and obviously the more exotic creatures like herself, but this thing...it was undead. But unlike anything she’d ever experienced or heard of. It wasn’t possessing any one, it came out of a goddamn mirror.

“No, I’m fine,” Erin shook her head, rubbing her neck as if to emphasize the fact. Something was wrong--obviously, but there’s no way that a ghost could have gotten into her apartment, bypassing wards put in by an experienced exorcist. Blanche had even double checked her work to be sure. Was it even a ghost? “No fucking idea,” she raised a brow, her eyes still roaming the walls as if suddenly she was going to pop out again. Murderer. Murderer. Murderer. Her face burned as the words repeated in her mind, the woman’s finger and eyes locked on her. No, nope. She wasn’t going to think about it - she had done what she had to. That was all. She hadn’t allowed herself to sink her teeth into those emotions just yet and some murderous ghost bitch wasn’t about to get her to start now. Not with Agent Diaz already questioning her about the fire. Standing straight, she tried to shake off the nerves clawing at her bones. “We should, uh--we should go.” Erin sure as hell wasn’t heading back to her apartment tonight. The stairwell exit opened up to more barren concrete halls. This was fine. For now, this would be fine. “You know, you’ve got a hell of a right hook with that stiletto,” she tried to tease now that the air was coming back to her in shorter intakes. “I’m so impressed, I won’t even bill you for the damage.”

Mila nodded, running a hand through her hair. She hadn’t forgotten what she’d heard, what that thing had been rasping...but murder wasn’t exactly in her job descprition. She eyed the woman carefully, not sensing that she could be a murderer, but then again, you never really knew people and she’d only spent what, an hour at best with her? “Maybe...don’t stay at your apartment tonight,” she offered as they exited the stairwell, carefully checking for any reflective surfaces. “Is there someone who could take you in for a night?” She would offer, but the whole investigation would crumble, not to mention the whole murderer thing. Not that Mila couldn’t take care of herself. “Thanks,” she smiled, popping one of her feet into the air. “Not only fashionable, but a deadly weapon against mirror monsters,” she chuckled. Suddenly Mila felt the earth shifting. Tiny, miniscule grains, rolling against the smooth ground. She stopped in her tracks, throwing an arm out to halt Erin as well. “Stop...I don’t- something’s not right…” Slipping out of her heels, Mila felt the cold tile on her bare feet trembling. Something big was coming, growing, with each spec of...was that sand? “Ms Nichols, I don’t think we’re quite finished yet…is there another way out of here?”

If Mila had caught on to whatever the woman in the mirror had been screaming at her, she wasn’t pressing Erin on it. Not yet, anyway, and she was thankful for the reprieve anyway after such a close call. “Yeah, I’m good, I’ve got people,” she assured her, knowing she’d most likely end up crashing at Skylar and Nic’s again. Sounded pretty nice right about now, actually. She smiled her way, letting the relief trickle into her chest. “I’ll have to remember that. Maybe sharpen the heel on my pumps for when I get back to work--” she froze suddenly, realizing these jokes and this audience really didn’t mix. But Mila was barring her back, a new sense of alarm on her face. Sand? She didn’t know what to think, just knew on some level inside of her, the one had grown familiar with this sort of supernatural fuckery, that Mila was right. “What now?” She nealy grumbled, but there was no time to question it. Sand seeped into the stairwell from every nook and cranny, slicking the floor with a thin layer. The only other way was back where they came from--or up. “C’mon,” she grabbed the other woman’s arm, shielding her eyes and mouth from the sand trickling in around them as she made a run for the rooftop.

They just couldn’t catch a break today. Mila glanced over at Erin and wondered slightly if the woman was cursed, actually cursed. How else could you explain two clearly supernatural oddities attacking within an hour? Even for the Crest, that was pushing it. Taking a step back, Mila felt the sand growing, shifting and forming of its own volition, gearing up for something. This was not good. “Shit.” Holding her heels in one hand and Erin’s hand on her other arm, Mila spun and made for the stairwell again, hoping beyond hope they could get to the roof. Once they were there, she hadn’t the foggiest of what they would do next. How did you fight sand? Mila charged forward, sneaking cautionary glances around corners to make sure they didn’t run into that fucking mirror thing again. Sand poured in on them from all directions, gathering so loudly it was almost overwhelming. Mila threw a hand over her head, trying to shield her face. She’d never been so happy to have a third eyelid, praising her lamia heritage. Mila slammed her entire body weight against the metal door leading up to the roof and blinked against the sunlight, feeling a single grain of sand catch under her membrane. “Fuck,” she grumbled, ushering Erin out before slamming the door closed. For a moment, the sand trickled under the door, a thin layer of moving earth. The lamia rubbed at her eye, attempting to free it of the grating foreign matter. She couldn’t be distracted, not now, not when they were under attack. “Is it still coming?? What do we do now??”

Miraculously, Erin had burst through the rooftop door without getting even one grain in her mouth or eyes, thank god. Her hair, her clothes, her shoes? That was another story. She was still shaking it off as she ran behind a vent, waiting, watching with Mila. “I don’t know, I don’t hear anything,” she whispered, staying still and alert. She couldn’t wrap her mind around what ominous thing was awaiting them on the other side of the door that was capable of sweeping a small beach worth’s of sand. “You alright?” She asked, noting the red eye and the way Mila was rubbing her eyes. It was still quiet though, too quiet, even as the sand continued to blow out from under the door. Erin glanced around, grabbing a piece of rain-battered plywood that had been left up there. It wasn’t much but it was all they had, save for Mila’s heels. “Stay here,” she instructed. “But keep those heels ready?” She tried to smile, but she couldn’t hide how terrified she was of what was possibly waiting for them on the other side of that door. She knew she sure as fuck wasn’t going to wait around for it to pounce though. Taking a deep breath, she paused, then yanked the door open, holding the plywood up, ready to strike. The door opened to--nothing. Erin waited, gripping the wood harder, but the sand just blew quietly on to the rooftop. But nothing. It was quiet, again. Eerily so.

Mila crouched behind the vent, still rubbing furiously at her eye. She couldn’t see well normally, and this was really putting a damper on what little sight she had. Instead she turned to her other sense, letting her bare feet feel the vibrations. Erin’s footsteps echoed through her body, and the soft drifting of sand, but no thunderous rumblings, not like before. She peeked out from her hiding place, her heels at the ready. “Do we need the heels?” She called, wishing there was a way for her stilettos to actually help. “Is it...I think it’s gone? Whatever the hell it was?” Whatever had been moving the sand, maneuvering it after them, seemed to have abandoned it’s hunt. One eye blurry beyond belief, Mila glanced around for any reflective surfaces. “Are we- is it fucking over?” She stepped out carefully, slipping back into her shoes. “I swear, most of my home visits aren’t quite so...eventful.”

The hall was empty, save for the layers of sand wisping around Erin’s feet. For now, the danger seemed to be gone but the foreboding feeling left in its wake was hard to ignore. It felt… unfinished. They’d gotten way too lucky to have run from not just one but two mysterious whatevers that had decided to knock down their doors and mirrors today. Tentatively, Erin stepped forward into the hall doorway, ready to swing if necessary. “I think we’re… okay?” It didn’t feel right to say it either. Her heart was still racing and she kicked some of the sand in the stairwell, as if she was waiting for it to spring back to life. She looked to Agent Darzi, letting out a breath. “I hope not, otherwise I’m going to have to decline a follow up.” She ran a hand down her face, contemplated dropping the plywood, opting to grip it a little tighter. Nodding at the other woman, she kept her eyes on the stairwell. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked one more time.

Mila smiled lightly, brushing the sand off her clothes where the grains fell lifelessly to the ground. “Don’t worry, I think if I have any further questions I’ll just email.” They made their way cautiously back down the stairwell, the building looking menacingly...normal. “Me? Oh yeah, just...tired I think.” Tired was an understatement. The pain in her eye subsided, making way for an indescribable fatigue. Then again, she had just run from two mystery monsters, in stilettos no less. “And I’m not even the one who got strangled. Make sure you get some rest, and uh...drink some tea?” Mila shuffled closer to the exit. “And I’ll send my assistant by to pick up the paperwork, I really ought to get home.” She could feel her muscles aching to lay down and honestly, she wanted nothing more than to take a long, hot bath in a room with absolutely no mirrors.

#wickedswriting #erin1 #potw: sand

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cosmicaces · 6 years ago

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Perhaps one of my favorite things about this current iteration of The Moomins is the characterization we see Snufkin having. He’s still this calm, collected figure that others occasionally rely on for advice in the most stressful of situations. However, this version has shown that he isn’t always like that. As a matter of fact, it seems like it's apart of a persona he’s created to hide how he really can be.

Personal Space and Physical Contact

It’s made clear in the series that Snufkin needs to be alone at times, and that it’s something that’s very important to him. Now, what’s interesting about Moominvalley’s take on this is that they also portray him as needing personal space. This is really evident in Episode 2, where Ti-ti-uu joins him at his campfire.

What’s important to note is his posture. Notice how he’s leaning away from Ti-ti-uu, even after scooching away? He isn’t comfortable with him being there. He wants to be alone, but he also doesn’t want to be rude towards his guest. However, when Ti-ti-uu starts to move closer, he jumps up to his feet and starts backing away.

Once more, his posture and the way he’s responding is important to acknowledge. He’s holding his hands out, he looks unsure, uncomfortable, this isn’t necessarily a situation he wants to be in. It ends up to the point where he’s backed himself into a corner and responds aggressively, saying that perhaps he won’t go to Moominvalley at all this year before shouting that he just wants to be alone.

On the subject of physical contact/affection, it seems that he’s not always comfortable with it, either. In Episode 3, upon reuniting with Moomintroll, he doesn’t return his hug. Then, it seems as though Moomintroll remembers something, commenting “Oh, yeah,” before acknowledging Snufkin by name.

That said, there have been multiple instances where he would hold onto Moomintroll. Speaking from personal experience, this is very familiar to me, being someone who hates it when other people put a hand on my shoulder or hug me, but loving the action when I’m the one who initiates it. Based on this, it seems that Snufkin deals with that too.

Social Anxiety

As pointed out by others, this series has established that Snufkin deals with social anxiety. What really demonstrates it is the party scene we witness in Episode 7, “Snufkin vs. The Park Ranger.”

The first important thing to note is his expression upon being asked. I’ll talk about it’s significance afterwards.

Now, as with Ti-Ti-uu, body language is incredibly important here. His shoulders are tense, he’s leaning away from Moomintroll, and his expression reads as discomfort. His struggle here is that, to put it simply, he’s not enjoying himself at the party. However, he’s there for Moomin, and he knows that if he noticiably shows that he’s not comfortable, there’s a risk of upsetting Moomintroll. However, it gets to that point that, when Moomintroll leaves to refill their drinks...

...he leaves. By coming to the party, he’s put himself in a stressful situation. On one hand, he could stay and risk hurting his mental health (I don’t know about you, but if I stay too long at parties that I’m anxious at, I shut down and it’s difficult getting me to respond to things) or leaving while keeping his sanity intact. No matter what, both situations would upset Moomintroll.

Now, I brought up his earlier expression upon Little My’s question because it’s evident that he feels guilty about this. It seems he was trying to push it into the back of his mind, but he was simply unable too. On top of that, when Snufkin locked himself in jail and Moomintroll decided the punishment, it shows that Snufkin thought back to the party and comments “I suppose it’s all I deserve”. He believed that the reason why Moomintroll came up with the punishment was due to him deserting him at the party.

However, he soon finds out that that wasn’t the reason for the punishment, and that it was simply Moomintroll coming up with a clever solution to get his sentence done faster by utilizing the help of the Woodies.

Loneliness and Similarity to the Groke

Going back a few episodes, after Ti-Ti-uu left Snufkin alone at the campfire, Snufkin becomes upset at seeing he is now alone, commenting that he must be ill due to feeling lonely. Upon waking up in the nightmare, he hears a sound. Considering the fog he breathes and him feeling lonely, we can assume that what he heard was the Groke, due to her connection with loneliness.

(It’s easier to see in motion, but if you look carefully you can see the fog.)

Now, as brought up by a friend, Snufkin is similar to the Groke in a sense. Like the Groke, he’s more active in the night. Additionally, he comments how the Groke reflects one’s own fears and that she’s constantly searching for the light. Now, what was it that helped guide him back to Moominvalley...

...but the light emanating from Moomintroll’s room.

There isn’t exactly much to go off of here, but it’s good to keep in mind.

Fears, Hiding, and Ending Thoughts

As brought up by this wonderful analysis posted by @ snuufsnuuf, Snufkin has a fear of being forgotten and/or replaced. This is important to bring up before this next section.

It was brought up that Snufkin’s discomfort around Moomintroll in the party could be due to him harboring a crush on him. With this in mind, and knowing that Snufkin is alright with physical affection given that he’s the one who initiates it, it’s good to know this:

From experience and as often portrayed in media, holding hands or leaning against something can really be grounding, especially if one is nervous. It lets you know that you aren’t alone, and that someone is there for you.

Keeping this in mind, there is a possibility that Snufkin wanted to hold onto Moomintroll to help him feel less anxious. However, he’s created this persona of himself, where others view him as calm, collected, able to keep a level-head even in the most stressful of situations, and as someone who isn’t usually too fond of physical contact. Now, if he were to reach out to Moomintroll, the thing is...they’re at a party. It’s in a public area, everyone can see what happens.

One of the first things that came to mind with this scene was this conversation that occurs in Night in the Woods between Mae and Angus:

(As a quick side note: one of the common themes of being closeted in media is feeling safe in the darkness. Knowing that Snufkin is more active/seemingly has more energy at night and appears to be more comfortable in the dark, well)

Now, with all of this brought up (and hopefully still in your mind), I want you to consider this. As much as we love Moomin and Snufkin’s relationship, it’s flawed, namely due to their severe lack of communication.

Moomintroll can be selfish, and he often thinks that he knows what’s best for everyone, or that x will enjoy y (ex. Wanting Snorkmaiden to believe that he’s brave due to “chasing off” the ghost, bringing Ninny back to her Aunt’s house). Going back to the party, it doesn’t even seem that he noticed Snufkin’s body language that revealed his discomfort in the situation.

As for Snufkin, he hides a lot to try and keep Moomintroll happy. He did his best to hide his discomfort at the party, he gave away his beloved hat due to it having the dragon sleeping within and not wanting to further upset Moomintroll and then proceeds to lie to keep him happy. Now, the main reason I brought up his fear of being forgotten is...well, one of the things of coming with that fear is sacrificing and hiding a lot in order to keep someone happy as well as putting yourself in stressful situations. With that fear comes the paranoia that if they find out that you aren’t exactly who you’ve made yourself out to be, they’ll leave you, and then you’re left all alone again.

To end it off, at the end of Episode 12, Too Ticky said this:

“There’s lots of lost souls out there that need to be heard.”

Afterwards, “I’m Ready Now” begins to play, and we receive a scene of Moominvalley as it begins to snow. When we hear the lyrics “But I didn’t know how so we took it in turns, to my surprise, we found my words”, we see Snufkin as he leaves Moominvalley.

And then it cuts out, and we’re left with the credits.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Additional Credits:

neon @ neonjays on twitter

gabby @ 384hen on twitter

#moomin #moomins #the moomins #moominvalley #snufkin #analysis #character analysis #moominvalley spoilers #long post #cosmic rambles #hweeeeeee here we go #this took a bit to put together #i also alternated the next between bold and not bold bcuz like #idk but y'all but its easier for me to read and keep my focus??#anyways i hope y'all enjoy this and if you read it all bless u

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bestsleepaidreview · 4 years ago

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Most individuals don't have to be informed in regards to the significance of sleep of their lives. They perceive it. The human body provides out distinct alerts when it's beneath stress ensuing from lack of sleep. Nevertheless regardless of figuring out its importance many people aren't able to sleep properly and even adequate. It may possibly be as a result of not getting enough time because of commitments in life or simply due to an lack of means to fall asleep. In each the cases the individuals lastly get caught in a vicious cycle of sleep deprivation. That's after they flip to top-of-the-line sleep help, however what variety of of them get the quality of sleep that they require?

Sleep aids like tablets are one of the best sleep help nevertheless are a short time interval answer not a future treatment. There isn't any such thing as an alternative choice to addressing the basic rationalization for insomnia. It might very nicely be your work routine, your ingesting behavior or just the way in which the air stream is organized in your bedroom. There are in truth a number of explanation why over the counter and prescription capsules will not be a good suggestion. You may as an illustration develop tolerance to the drug and will take additional of it, for it to be efficient leading to a vicious circle. Worse you may get addicted to the drug. And in case you identify to cease you may bear from withdrawal signs.

That aside these drugs have unfavorable effects like drowsiness, confusion, a dry mouth, and even forgetfulness which grow to be obvious the following day. They're going to additionally interact with different medicine and exacerbate an current ailment. What's worse is that sleeping medicines could masks an ailment like a psychological disorder which will be liable for the dearth of sleep, and should be handled as quickly as attainable.

Alternatively there are pure sleeping aids too which some individuals take into account as the proper sleep aid. As an example makes an try and induce sleep by means of leisure methods are a most well-liked methodology. Visualization can act as an efficient sleeping assist too. This works by the person making an attempt to sleep visualizing a extremely peaceable scene like being on a ravishing seashore on a moonlit night time time, or being in an enchanted backyard with basically essentially the most stunning flowers on the planet giving off primarily the most distinctive perfume.

Or you'll try meditation where you utilize refined focus and respiratory techniques to slowly lull yourself to a state of leisure leading to sleep. Then there may be Yoga, a medically proven system of exercise routines the common apply of which teaches your body and ideas to loosen up and let go. This in flip leads to an everyday and restful sleeping pattern. Then of course there may be meals plan. You might want to decrease down on espresso, tea, cigarettes and sugar and eat snacks which can be rich in carbohydrates and magnesium. The previous will make you feel sleepy if consumed round mattress time, whereas the latter acts as a pure sedative. Greatest sleep help differs from person to person.

Sleep aids similar to capsules may match sooner throughout the transient run, nevertheless are detrimental to nicely being in the long term, and usually aren't a holistic or eternal answer. Pure finest sleep aids of the type described above, might take longer to take effect, nevertheless they'll present a permanent answer with immense long run benefits.

David is a writer. In his spare time he keeps his thoughts lively by finding out, swimming and RPG games. David believes that our properly being is extraordinarily necessary as a result of with out our well being we have utterly nothing. Do sleep well and live effectively!

I've struggled with sleep for a lot of of my life. I really feel I used to be round 10 when I first realized that sleep simply did not come easy for me. Since that point, I've made a level best sleep aid to be taught nearly the whole lot that I can about points that would assist me sleep higher.

I need to confess that I've even tried pharmaceuticals. Whereas they have been considerably efficient, I on no account favored the thought of getting hooked on prescription sleep aids. Additionally, most of the time I woke up feeling a bit "hungover". That is why I began on the lookout for pure sleep aids.

Valerian is a mild sedative that's significantly effective in helping these with nervous rigidity and insomnia fall and keep asleep. It has been used as a sleep help as a result of the times of Historic Greece. One of many key advantages is that Valerian has been confirmed to be non-addictive. Scientific studies have confirmed that Valerian is, in precise truth, a very helpful remedy for insomnia.

Melatonin is a hormone that induces sleep that occurs naturally in our our bodies. Melatonin levels are very low throughout the day after which enhance throughout the night because it's going to get darker. As we turn into older, melatonin ranges decrease. For this reason, melatonin is a particularly efficient sleep assist for older people. Melatonin also can assist any time the sleep/wake cycles have been disturbed. For instance, many individuals take melatonin to battle jet lag.

5-HTP is maybe among the greatest sleep aids that there is. It's considered by most to be as efficient as prescribed Social Network Here drugs. It increases the time spent in deep sleep by about 25%. (REM sleep) Most individuals who take 5-HTP get up feeling rested fairly than hungover.

Kava is a very effective anti-nervousness supplement. It might be used for insomnia that could be a results of anxiety. Unfortunately, it has been linked to liver failure. Really, the FDA has put a warning out and Kava gross sales have been banned within the UK.

I have used all tree of these sleep helpers at one time or one other and have discovered them to be effective at serving to me fall asleep and enhance the general high quality of my sleep.

If you might be affected by insomnia top-of-the-line sleep aids you need to use to beat your sleep disorder are undoubtedly pure sleep aids. That isn't to say you should not consult together with your physician to find out in case you're suffering from any medical problems. Should you intend using a herbal sleep remedy or an over-the-counter sleep help and any combination thereof, it's a good suggestion to inform your physician and ask for his or her advice.

What Pure sleeping remedies must you where to buy the best sleep aid use?

Firstly and most easily you must begin unwinding and gratifying on the very least an hour earlier than mattress time which is good preparation for sleeping. This may check this be achieved by a nice scorching tub, participating in some stress-free music, learning a non technical e-e book even some very gentle stretching.

What must be prevented is stimulants resembling caffeinated drinks, alcohol and actions that get your ideas energetic. Keep away from vigorous motion packed reveals on TELEVISION; ideally flip the TV off totally an hour before mattress. The thought proper right here is to get relaxed and wind down earlier than you go to mattress. Do not learn in mattress, do not watch TV in mattress simply go to mattress to sleep. Create an everyday rest routine and you'll find you may begin sleeping properly again very quickly. I know it sounds easy however when is the ultimate time you took a warmth bathtub earlier than mattress and listened to some relaxing music with the lights dimmed? It beats taking sleeping capsules that is for certain.

So what does this imply? Successfully, for starters solely use your bedroom for sleep and naturally love making. For individuals who can program your self into realizing that everytime you go to mattress it is to go to sleep then ultimately that is what is going to occur and you will note that it comes naturally to go to sleep quick.

Make sure the room temperature is cool and that it is darkish. If there may be noise try using ear plugs whether or not it is too sensible use a sleeping masks. Ensure your mattress and bedding is comfy, too many individuals try to sleep in discomfort which leads to disturbed sleep.

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thelocalmuffin · 5 years ago

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Anticipation

Rating: K

Pairing: Phoenix Wright/ Miles Edgeworth

A/N: Hey, hey, my first writing drabble is finally here. As promised, it is a small fanfiction of my wife’s headcanon about when Phoenix and Miles finally have a baby. It may be a bit OOC for the characters, especially since I only played the original trilogy so far. Either or, enjoy.

Phoenix was always nervous about court cases beforehand. His chest would always get tight thinking about how the case would go, regardless if he had overwhelming evidence. He knew with his evidence, experience, and support, and even if he’d lose, he’d be alright. His friends and family would be there.

This…

This was not a courtroom. There was no need for evidence, and there was next to no experience that was needed for this situation. It wasn’t really needed since he was anticipating and just waiting...waiting for the big event. He wasn’t someone that liked to wait. He twirled his thumbs around each other to try to calm the jitters building in his stomach.

However, he needed sleep. He’d been up for almost twenty four hours. Every time he’d try to close his eyes, nervous excitement prevented him from sleeping.

He looked directly across the room, seeing his equally exhausted husband, arms crossed in a metal chair. He was trying to keep a composed face, but his lack of sleep and overwhelming anxiety failed him. He looked angry, but Phoenix knew he wasn’t. It just was the eyebags that enhanced his neutral face.

Through observation, Miles was having a bit of an easier time staying awake, since when he was only married to his job, he always pulled all nighters. It had been a while, though. Ever since they started sharing the same bed a few years ago, he slept next to Phoenix, head generally on his chest akin to a pillow and his left arm gripping Phoenix's side. As he fell asleep, the grip would release, but his head would rarely move until the next morning.

Phoenix loved the small gestures his husband would do to show he loved him. The microexpressions he used to make when he spoke to Phoenix about his first cases, his soft hand holding moments, and occasional forehead kisses. He was looking across the tired eyes of Miles Edgeworth, who’s eyes flashed of admiration. Phoenix blushed immediately as he smiled back at him. Miles smiled as he looked away, but then tried to close his eyes for a quick catnap.

As he was about to follow Miles’s example, Phoenix was reminded almost immediately that there was one other consistent thing keeping him awake.

“Daddddddddddddddy!” Trucy’s bright energy burst out of nowhere, once again. Edgeworth’s head jerked up, startled as she gave Phoenix a deep hug. “I’m so excited! I can’t believe it!”

“Me neither,” Phoenix smiled softly as he returned Trucy’s hug. She had been more excited than both of them anticipated, especially when they were told to go to the hospital immediately. She let go of the hug and yawned almost immediately. She’d probably have to get used to yawning due to a lack of sleep...

Miles stood up as he walked over to the seat next to Phoenix, which Trucy immediately gave him an equally enthusiastic hug, “Do you need me to get you an excuse note ready for you? I don’t think we’ll be done by the time you’ll need to head to school.”

“Yep! I will!” Trucy let go of Miles and went back to her bag, and instead of pulling out her magician’s equipment, she grabbed out a bag of school supplies and began to work on homework.

“Oh?” Miles asked in curiosity. Miles would always undoubtedly support Trucy’s talent and career, though Phoenix knew Miles wanted her to finish her education to some degree. Trucy looked up, a bit defeated, but she looked down back to what she was working on.

“Yeah, it’s just the wrap up of the senior project,” Trucy sighed, “I am so close to graduating, I just kinda figured to finally finish up.”

“I’m proud of you, Trucy.” Miles gave one of his sincere compliments in a gentle tone so only the three could hear.

Trucy’s previously exhausted express began to return to her normally beaming one as she smiled at Miles, “Thanks, papa!” Then fell silent as she began to work. Phoenix noticed she was trying to just not get too anxious, either. He didn’t want to interrupt her sudden productive energy, so he let her be.

Miles smiled back as he took Phoenix’s hand and gently squeezed it. He was nervous, too. Phoenix realized that he was possibly more nervous than he thought. He smiled gently as Miles’ head fell on Phoenix’s shoulder.

Phoenix Wright was in the most stressful and most exciting part of his life.

He couldn’t believe a year ago Miles had come up to him and asked him if he wanted a baby. At first, Phoenix had just pointed out they had Trucy already, but Miles had asked if he wanted a newborn from a surrogate mother. After some appointments and planning, they found a great young woman that was willing to help them.

Now, nine eventful months had passed. Their baby was on his way.

To think they’d be raising a newborn in their 30’s and beyond. How unpredictable, akin to Phoenix’s court cases and conclusions. They just may have to accept that as a normal approach to their lives.

They heard footsteps as Miles’s head rose a bit, likely to avoid embarrassing himself. Trucy, too, looked up as the nurse, who looked more exhausted than the three combined, smiled softly and opened the door.

“He’s here.”

Phoenix and Miles got up immediately as Trucy waved, “Let me know when I can go in, okay?”

“Of course. It should be shortly,” Miles smiled as they both followed the nurse. It had seemed like a difficult night for her, but she tried to look as energetic as she could as they turned the corner and went in the delivery room.

There was a woman who was laying on the bed, curly black hair with gentle grey eyes, which also had the shared trait that indicated sleep deprivation. She looked almost asleep as she turned to Miles and smiled.

“How are you doing, Miranda?” Miles asked softly as Miranda looked at them and nodded. The nurses pulled up two chairs for the couple as they did more of the waiting game, but soon another nurse, who looked like he was going to collapse at any minute, carried a wrapped bundle.

It was him. The baby. The nurse placed him down on the surrogate mother, who gestured the couple to come over. Miles gently scooped up the small bundle that was their son. Their son. Phoenix knew that Miles had been eager for this moment.

The baby was still asleep as Miles held him tightly. A rare smile came over him as he cuddled their son in his shoulder. It was the same smile that he showed during their wedding vows. Absolutely content.

Phoenix wanted to carry him, too, but Miles was in such a rare state of happiness he didn’t want to separate the two. Miles finally pulled away for a moment and held the baby to Phoenix, which Phoenix took immediately and began to snuggle. He heard a noise as the baby began to cry.

“Oh, you’re all peaceful and cuddly with Papa, but not with me?” Phoenix laughed a bit softly as he gently rocked the baby to calm him down.

“With deductive reasoning, he’s probably just hungry, Wright.” Miles’s ego kicked in since he was surrounded by strangers. Phoenix sighed as the nurse came over and took the baby and gave it to Miranda to nurse.

They knew they were going to eventually do formula, but they were too tired to currently debate the logistics of using formula and let the doctors do what they needed to. Miles and Phoenix sat down after a minute, knowing this would take a while.

The doctor grabbed a paper and a pen from the counter they were using, and handed it over to them. “What do you want to name him?”

Months ago, Miles had decided what he wanted to name their son. Phoenix had tried to object once, but it was deaf on Miles’s ears. Eventually, Phoenix conceded after he realized how important the symbolism meant to him. Plus, it wasn’t like he had better names in mind…

Miles began to write his name on the parchment paper in elegant writing. Phoenix’s eyes widened in a bit of surprise and happiness as he was able to finally finish filing his part of the certificate. Phoenix reviewed their son’s name as he signed the parchment as his son’s father.

Gregory Phoenix Wright.

#muffin writes #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #wrightworth #ace attorney #fanfiction

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bitterotter · 4 years ago

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OTP MEME

This time for Rune/Straasa/Morkai... wanted to see if I could do it for a poly ship.

DISAGREEMENTS.

Who is more likely to raise their voice?

Morkai

Who threatens to leave but never actually does?

Rune… sort of. It’s less a threat and more of a “I can handle things on my own”

who actually keeps their word and leaves?

None of them

who trashes the house?

None of them. (do they even have a house to trash??)

do either of them get physical?

Again, none.

how often do they argue/disagree?

Morkai tends to be argumentative with everyone so, fairly often. Straasa and Rune almost never argue with each other, but Rune can get pretty defensive.

who is the first to apologize?

Straasa, then Morkai… Rune, depends

Cut here for length and Adult content

SEX.

who is on top? Who is on bottom?

Typical configurations are: Morkai and Straasa top Rune. Morkai tops Straasa, Straasa tops Rune, and then rune tops Straasa, morkai tops rune.

any kinks?

Morkai has a whole long list there, but shared: some light-ish dom/sub dynamics, praise and dirty talk, bringing toys into the situation, edging, and overstimulation.

who has the strangest desires?

Morkai probably claims that

who’s dominant in bed?

Morkai and occasionally Straasa.

is head ever in the equation?

Yes, definitely. Rune likes giving and receiving about equally

if so, who is better at performing it?

Straasa is probably the best

ever had sex in public?

Nope, rune prefers privacy

who moans the most?

Rune. He can be loud if encouraged.

who leaves the most marks?

Morkai

who is the more experienced of the two?

Morkai strikes me as the most experienced. Rune doesn’t have any prior experience.

do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?

Make love

how long do they usually last?

About average, but if they have the time they can and will draw it out

rough or soft?

Both. Morkai enjoys rough, Straasa and Rune like both and in combination

is protection used?

Yep, cleaner and safer that way.

does it ever get boring?

Not with Morkai around it doesn’t

where is the strangest place they’d have sex?

Nowhere in particular. Rune prefers vanilla locations

FAMILY.

Do they plan on having children/or have children?

Morkai is solidly against the idea, and Straasa doesn’t mind either way. Rune… never considered the possibility. He thinks, maaaybe he would, but values their relationship more than the future hypothetical offspring.

If so, how many children do they want/have?

AFFECTION.

who likes to cuddle?

All of them. Rune… takes some time to get comfortable with it, but he when he does he almost can’t get enough of them.

who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?

Morkai

who struggles to keep their hands to themself?

Morkai

how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?

Morkai usually has to tap out first. Then rune. Straasa could probably cuddle all day

what is their favourite non-sexual activity?

Sitting by the campfire and just… talking. Sharing stories or food and drink.

where is their favourite place to cuddle?

Anywhere, but in bed is most ideal.

SLEEPING.

who snores?

No one, but Rune sometimes talks in his sleep. Usually nonsense and has nothing to do with his dreams.

if both do, who snores the loudest?

do they share a bed or sleep separately?

They share.

if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?

They cuddle. Just… picture a mass of limbs and that’s them.

what do they wear to bed?

All three tend to just strip down to underclothes.

are either of them insomniacs?

Nope

can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?

do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?

(see: do they cozy up), They’re pretty much tangled together

who wakes up with bed hair?

Rune and Morkai for sure.

who wakes up first?

Rune, he’s a morning person, he’s usually up at sunrise.

who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?

Rune and/or Straasa.

what is their favourite sleeping position?

Cuddling together. Rune usually ends up in the middle, curled against one with the other at his back.

do they set an alarm each night?

Nope tech aside… Rune doesn’t need one. Morkai and Straasa will get up when they’re ready

who has nightmares?

Rune, frequently

can a television be found in their bedroom?

Nope… pretty sure that isn’t in this universe

who has ridiculous dreams?

Rune again. His can be Very Odd at times,

who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?

Morkai

who makes the bed?

Well. They’re mostly on the move these days so bed = camp, and they’ll all help out packing up.

what time is bed time?

Depends. Rune prefers earlier, but they don’t exactly have a predictable schedule

any routines/rituals before bed?

Undressing/washing and cuddling and/or sex

who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?

Morkai

WORK. (this part is… complicated)

who is the busiest?

They ‘work’ together, and usually they’re about equal.

who rakes in the highest income?

They share evenly.

are any of them unemployed?

Officially… yeah, probably. They’re currently… traveling.

who takes the most sick days?

No sick days.

what are their jobs?

Rune grew up on a farm and grew up farming. (this made me realize I have NO idea what Morkai and Straasa used to do).

who sucks up to their boss?

Perks of being on the run unemployment? No boss to suck up to.

who is more likely to turn up late to work?

Again… no schedule

who stresses the most?

Well, just in general? Rune and Morkai might claim that

do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?

Rune used to have bigger dreams than farming... now that he can’t do that anymore, he’s pretty nervous. Morkai isn’t really thrilled with their predicament. Straasa... is dealing with it slightly better.

are they financially stable?

hah, nope stability is nowhere in sight.

HOME.

who does the washing?

They’ll split the work

who takes out the trash?

Again, something they share/take turns with

who does the ironing?

hmm, not sure any of them really feel the need to

who does the cooking?

Rune and Straasa usually.

who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?

none of them, thankfully.

who is messier?

Morkai is the messiest of the three.

who leaves the toilet roll empty?

Morkai.

who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?

Morkai and Rune

who forgets to flush the toilet?

No one

who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?

No car. So…

who answers the telephone?

No phones either. But when it comes to talking to people who approach them, Straasa tries to handle that.

who mows the lawn?

Again, no lawn

who does the vacuuming?

Or vacuums

who does the groceries?

Straasa and Morkai usually

who takes the longest to shower?

Morkai

who spends the most time in the bathroom?

Morkai.

MISCELLANEOUS.

is money a problem?

Yeaaah, sort of. they’re currently on the road and on the run, unemployed, with monster hunting as their only source of income.

how many cars do they own?

No cars, but Rune has a mule. Her name is Clover and she’s his best friend.

what’s their song?

To be determined, but for now, Speak Too Soon by Wild Rivers suits them well enough

do they live in the city or in the country?

Right now, they’re spending a lot of time in the country. Rune grew up in the country.

do they own their home or do they rent?

Currently, neither …that I’m aware of

do they enjoy their surroundings?

Rune and Straasa don’t really mind. Morkai isn’t a fan.

what do they do when they’re away from each other?

They’ll split different responsibilities between them, so they’ll handle that. Or spend time with their other friends. Rune sometimes just retreats to write.

where did they first meet?

Morkai and Straasa are childhood friends. Rune… ran into the other two while he was down on his luck, they all ended up helping each other out of sticky situations with

who spends the most money when out shopping?

Morkai

who’s more likely to flash their assets?

Morkai, he’s more “obviously noble”

any mental issues?

They’ve all got their fair share of trauma. Rune has some pretty bad anxiety as well.

who finds it amusing when the other trips over?

Morkai, though he is also concerned.

who’s terrified of bugs?

None of them

who kills the spiders around the house?

Morkai unless Rune’s puppy-eyes convince him to spare it

do they have any fears for their future?

Too many to list, less about their relationship and more on getting through the next day alive. That counts

their favourite place?

Mm, haven’t found it yet.

who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?

Straasa would.

who pays the bills?

Morkai and Straasa usually pay for what they need.

who’s the tallest?

Morkai is the tallest and 6’4. Straasa is 6’2. And then there’s Rune. He’s 4’11.

who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?

Morkai seems like the type to do that, just out of impatience.

who wanders around in their underwear?

None of them, but whether that’s due to lacking a place to wander, I’m not sure.

who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?

No radio. Straasa has been known to hum and sing to himself though.

what do they tease each other about?

Morkai and Straasa will tease each other over almost anything at this point. Morkai teases Rune about his lack of life experience and fighting skills (not his fault he was stuck on a farm his whole life) and his age/baby face. Rune doesn’t really tease back, or at all, he’s pretty serious. And Straasa generally doesn’t tease Rune, more sincere and encouraging.

who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?

Morkai at Rune’s mostly. Rune dresses plainly, but also tends to hide in oversized clothes, so, they’re not super flattering.

who crushed first?

I’d bet that Morkai crushed hard on Straasa when they were younger. Straasa crushed first on Rune though. From Rune meeting the others, though, it was all close together.

any alcohol or substance related problems?

Nope.

who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?

Mm, none of them? Or if they did, it’d probably be Morkai and Rune while Straasa kept them from falling over.

who swears the most?

Morkai, though Rune might be close behind.

#ignores where is says two/either/etc and just... answers anyway #but it worked??? I think IDK #also I'm... hmmm IDK like i feel like I dunno enough about them to head canon things and i know that's the point of head canons but still #anyway tho they stull make me feel super Soft(tm) and I love them #oc: rune #long post

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