#also dpdr. because i said so.

[unicornsaures]

i would like to say some very 'controversial' dally hc's but i have a feeling that i should keep them to myself if i dont want to be cancelled

[kkoct-ik]

rewatching a dr2 lp and i honestly never noticed how much hajime dissociates. i almost wanna make a masterpost

[arionaleilani]

decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.

[catsukkii]

shoto has a staring problem.

dating shoto was…an experience. you were his first everything and you had to teach him a lot about relationships, not that you minded, sometimes he would just do odd things in your relationship.

one of those things, was he would constantly just stare at you. it was cute sometimes, but other times it was downright creepy the way he’d make eye contact all the time. Even when you’d shy away from his gaze, everytime you would look back he was right there with those damn eyes.

it was honestly starting to creep you out. what was his obsession?

once again, you were sitting at a nice little coffee shop, the environment was cozy and it was raining outside; how much more romantic could it get?

apparently not romantic at all.

��shoto…” you sigh as he stares into your soul again, “what is up with you and staring at me?” it seems he snaps out of his daze and looks at you, confusion evident on his face.

“what?” he questions quirking a brow. “It’s just..your always staring into my soul y’know? It’s a little creepy sho.” his mouth slightly parts and he nods in understanding.

“oh, I’m sorry. I thought that’s what people did in relationships? hold eye contact?” you furrow ur brows, eyes narrowing in confusion at him. where the hell did he here that?

“sho…who told you that?” at this point you have a borderline concerned expression on your face, he averts his gaze sheepishly, flustered and embarrassed by his upcoming answer.

“well…before we were dating..” he sighs and his face scrunches at the thought of admitting this to you outloud. “I made a tiktok, a secret one.” you’re nodding along, but this did catch you off guard considering shoto never used social media, especially tiktok.

“I obviously found your account and went through your…reposts.” you cut off his brief explanation with confusion. “okay but—wait wait, what does this have to do with your staring problem?” you express your point with your hands, moving them from your face to infront of you in an outwards confused motion.

“well…you reposted a video, and it said something like..” he pauses to think for a moment, recalling what the video said. “oh yeah, ‘when he holds eye contact’. so I’ve been trying to do it to impress you but..I suppose it backfired.” he cleared his throat and sheepishly avoiding your eyes, now because of embarrassment.

but this made your confused face turn into a fit of giggles, “aw sho, it’s cute to hold eye contact but not all the time and you’re also supposed to blink, silly.” he awkwardly laughs along with you, he’s slowly realizing how creepy he probably came off..he just wanted to impress you!

“yeah..I apologize.” he places his elbows on the wooden table and places his head in his hands in shame, you’re still giggling over the whole situation. “and I do mean to blink..I just get distracted by you and your voice.” he mumbles into his hands, causing your cheeks to flush and your heart to swell even harder.

“awww…you’re so sweet sho!” you laughter continues, you reach over the table and pull his hands away from his face to give him a sweet peck to the lips; which he quickly reciprocated.

you loved your emotionally constipated boyfriend with a staring problem.

a/n; had to post smth so have this draft while I suffer w dpdr !!

[xylomilo]

“Stop projecting on characters when u get a new brainrot” IDGAF 😭😭😭😭 anyways here’s some Company headcanons that I (mostly) projected

Dwalin

- Allergic to beef.

- Ate dirt as a kid.

- Loves mint ice cream but hates chocolate. Constantly wants to die because he can’t find JUST mint ice cream, it always has choco chips in it.

Balin

- Buys books just to not read them, says he’ll read them soon but he’s been saying that for five years now.

- Designated driver.

- Has the craziest alcohol tolerance, like he can go toe-to-toe with Thranduil’s tolerance.

Bifur

- Picks at his skin and cuticles, gets upset when he starts bleeding and goes “who did this.”

- Has minor memory issues.

- Forgets that she’s trans and then goes “what the fuck, I’m a woman, why do I have a dick.” Also buys pads but then remembers she’s trans so he gives the pads to Thorin. Thorin had a hysterectomy years ago (thanks Óin!).

Bofur

- Used to chew on his hair when he was younger.

- Bites people to show affection.

- Found out that the others were queer before some even realized. (Proof: Dinner scene in Rivendell in the extended version)

Bombur

- Unmedicated ADHD, part of the reason why he’s fat.

- Lowkey makes a mean lasagna.

- Allergic to dust but he swears he isn’t. Can literally be laying in bed with snot dripping down his nose going “ahaha no im not allergic to dust it’s just the pollen, ignore how its winter !!”

Fíli

- His main vocal tic is saying “Kíli” in a really high pitched voice.

- Autism in autism vs adhd.

- Jumped out of a two story window when he was 4 because Kíli brought over a friend that he didn’t like.

Kíli

- His main vocal tic is saying “Fíli” in a really high pitched voice.

- ADHD in autism vs adhd.

- Can’t taste flavors, will eat warheads for fun.

Glóin

- BPD.

- Has dyscalculia but would rather die than admit it 😭😭

- Road rage.

Óin

- Struggles with falling asleep and struggles with waking up (double whammy)

- If the opportunity arises, he would in fact eat someone purely out of curiosity (ex: someone dies and says that ppl can do whatever they want to their body, so why not cook a piece?)

Dori

- OCD.

- Massive germaphobe. Constantly has the urge to wash/sanitize his hands after doing something “gross” (running his fingers through his hair, scratching his arm, touching his face, etc) and gets anxious if he doesn’t.

- Can’t fall asleep unless he has Nori and Ori beside him/laying on him. Great for winter since Dori’s muscles are hidden under thick fat, horrible during summer because Dori is a furnace.

Nori

- OCD.

- Hoarder. Swears that he’ll need them later, usually won’t. If he loses something from his collection, he’ll be sad for like five minutes, unless it’s something he fought tooth and nail for.

- High weed tolerance. Out smokes Gandalf ngl.

Ori

- OCD.

- Arranges things in a specific way but it looks like a mess to others so he gets really upset if someone “cleans” it for him, forgets to drink and eat when he’s hyper-focused on something.

- Def of “i love it when ppl pick up my speaking styles!… nvm my grandpa just said skill issue.” That’s him and Dori.

Thorin

- Lactose intolerant lmao.

- Also lowkey has DpDr but denies it (Óin literally diagnosed him).

- Sleep talks. It’s how Bilbo knew what kind of ring Thorin wanted.

Bilbo

- Allergic to strawberries, apples, and bananas. Like a loser.

- Also has OCD.

- Has a personal vendetta against ants.

[system-of-a-feather]

Can you talk a little about what your post-fusion plurality is like? Coming from the perspective of current CDD, I can't really imagine it? Just anything you think of. Thanks! :)

There is honestly a LOT about it particularly in the ways it differs from our plurality that was back when we actually qualified for a CDD (we've healed enough we probably don't even qualify for DPDR because we rarely dissociate outside of explicit larger trauma triggers).

Like I said in this post, our system members have not changed at all - at least the system that was present when we stabilized and hit functional multiplicity a while ago. We have vaguely found parts we weren't aware of, but I say vaguely as we assumed they were there, we just didn't know much about them or even that they were CERTAINLY there. It isn't as though we fused, all parts disappeared, and then we re-created plurality.

It's more so that we fused and continued practicing all the internal work, active and intentional communication, and did little to change how our social circles engaged with us and thus those that interacted and were aware of us as parts were more than free to still call out parts and talk to / about them as if they were still there because - even as a fused whole - they were still there and could speak for themselves. As a result, we still fully can interact with ourselves as parts and still can fully operate as any of the parts individually should we 1) want to and 2) that part specifically wanted to. It's actually something we do pretty often as we feel the interest to do so because there is a lot of understanding to ourselves and our life that we can get by exploring it through a very specific perspective and life view.

I think the fact that we CAN fuse and often operate as a fused whole is what caused the way our plurality works to change from a CDD structure to honestly what I imagine is more similar to an endogenic / willogenic system.

I think one of the best ways to describe it is that was post-fusion plurality, there is a very clear and established identity of the system and the whole. Who we are is extremely well understood, conceptually consistent, and complete between all parts with zero conflict and zero need to even talk about; its intuitive, constant and always in the background. And this second bit might just be more about me being Buddhist than anything else, but that identity is very much not a "person" or a "self" or a concept; its arguably even less so than any specific part or alter, as much as it is just the simple way of our existence that we are all a part of. Sure that identity has a name, freely uses "I / me / my" and often is completely running our life, but it REALLY is not this entity or sentient thing in the least because it's incredibly simply just "the way we are". Our identity that is our fused whole very much is not "another part" or a "fused part" because that implies a lot of things that it really isn't; its kind of just a resting baseline, but we know what it is, we know what it means and what it needs. We can VERY easily rest in this baseline and know what we want when making decisions and living.

This compares against our experience with CDD plurality (which is what I'm choosing to call pre-fusion plurality for now for the sake of just readability), we always were one part or the next; and those parts had their distinct unique opinions and views in life that were a lot more concrete and rigid to each part. The parts were very sentient, very vocal, and it was constantly one part or the next or just DEEP dissociation. Also, there was VERY little understanding or familiarity with a sense of identity as a whole / as a system, enough so that it was always a fun "haha what would that even BE like lol" conversation where we would do silly pointless mental math about each of our personality and trying to average it out. Our collective identity was hardly a real concept beyond "The System of a Feather" and a few things we all generally kind of liked. It was incredibly hard to NOT experience only a singular part at a time.

So with all that, a lot of the time with CDD plurality, we were very frequently operating on consitently changing rigid / established world views and personalities and interests; we were very distinctly individuals and people. With post-fusion plurality, we are operating on a changing yet VERY consistent fluid sense of self that really didn't think or hold onto any real strong / firm world views or anything; its a very stable, very fluid, very constant sense of self and being.

With that stable fluidity and the "changing yet consistent sense of self" comes with a large ability to completely sway into one view or the next without really having that strong sense of individualism / self / sense of internal rigidity and attachment to a specific world view, personality, perspective, and interests.

In the same ways, we can go into those same perspectives, world views and interests that we did with CDD plurality, but instead of it being this Individual part, that part exists as a large Wave in the ocean that is us rather than being it's own lake. Its like letting one head of a hydra speak rather than teleporting between different dragon bodies.

It's kind of hard to explain in words, but thats just kind of a start to it maybe?

[valravn72]

Disabled Xion Flags!!

For funsies :3

Alright to use without credit, just please reblog if saving/using!!! Thank youuuu 🫶

Reasons for my disabled Xion headcanon below the cut (the summary bc otherwise I will go all day):

Xion is obsessed with “usefulness” and only considers illness in light of how it will affect her productivity or burden others

Xion is also very preoccupied with whether or not she is worthy of existence

Xion experiences chronic episodes of dizziness, migraines, fatigue and fainting. This comes from how her body reacts to her paradoxical existence and how the state of that existence relates to the simultaneous nature of Sora, Roxas and Naminé

The way her body attacks itself because it knows something is wrong is so so real as a disability allegory immune systems be like that

She collects shells!!! And stims with them by rubbing them!!! And gives people them as her love language!!! Autism!!!! And she carries them around in her big dramatic coat pockets! Me frrrrr

Also having Nobodies as a dissociation/low empathy allegory effects her character a lot, including how she and Roxas don’t really understand most phrases and social norms… autisma…!…

She spends a lot of time in bed recovering from fainting episodes and dizzy spells

Roxas’s comas usually have clear causes that correlate with events such as Sora being put to sleep, but for Xion it’s usually just because she’s in burnout. My girl’s a spoonie

Another autism moment is how ???? her gender is. She’s widely considered to be a trans allegory and autistic people are statistically more likely to experience gender in abnormal ways/be nonbinary so wahahaha my headcanons support each other that’s how right I am

The separation from her body that comes with finding out she is a replica is a good parallel with disability mourning (as well as dpdr and gender dysphoria)

She’s also very fixated on whether or not she is “real” and how she could become real and is referred to as an object or a doll/puppet by a lot of other characters, which is a big trope in disabled media

Overall her internalized dehumanization and ableism is a big part of her character

She also parrots back ableist things people have said to her in order to justify not asking for help, especially when Roxas and Axel try to convince her that she comes first

There’s some dialogue from other characters where several of them mention how they think she’s overworking herself and is too invested in seeking approval

Saïx calling her a “waste” is a big part of her character arc. As is losing to Riku, which is stupid because he’s older than her and has more experience

When Roxas gets sick she immediately recognizes him hiding his symptoms, working too hard and refusing help and begs him to be gentle with himself because she understands exactly what he’s going through

Her body and abilities are consistently depicted as being unstable in nature overall. Her magic and abilities are unreliable and can stop working for seemingly no reason

She also has a high sense of justice, starts out nonverbal, displays limited emotions when not having a breakdown and is very rule focused + takes what authority figures say at face value. My little yippee

She’s very quiet overall and also stays in her hood a lot, which is common for Nobodies to disguise her identities but she’s also very inexpressive when hooded and is only verbal with effort. She retreats into her hood when overwhelmed pretty consistently, especially when she doesn’t want to engage emotionally. In the manga she is shown to typically be expressionless when in this state.

She’s doomed by the narrative and she knows it

She was basically made as a backup in case Roxas and Sora couldn’t be useful to the organization, so her body is reacting to how there’s several pieces of herself missing and how they all exist simultaneously and effect each other constantly even though they’re all completely separate people. It’s implied that only absorbing Roxas and Sora would allow her to have a stable body. She opts to have Sora absorb her instead.

Anyway yeah this isn’t really a perfect explanation but this is the most I can do without writing another Jumbled Autism Dump essay. I hope it was legible and thank you for reading it lmao. I’m just excited to spread the gospel of spoonie Xion

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Ok last night's research was wild and I would genuinely appreciate input and other thoughts on these ideas, especially if you've come across these before as I don't think I've seen them discussed. I was actually just looking into the idea of DID being a disorder or multiple realities as highlighted by Kluft but then I ended up in a rabbit hole.

Functional Dissociation of the Self: The Psychological and Sociological Self

So first of all I was reading this paper

Which is really really good, it's massive, absolutely huge, but incredibly thorough and explores how different kinds of trauma are predictive of different disorders and presentations across PTSD, DPDR, Dissociative depression, and complex Dissociative disorders.

But quite early on it mentions the work of Sar and Ozturk and this concept of the Psychological and Sociological Self, so what's that?

(this is just an abstract but it also appears in Dissociation and the Dissociative Disorders DSM V and Beyond so you might be able to read it in a Google books preview)

This paper kind of proposes a new idea, my initial thoughts are that the authors aren't exactly exploring new ground so much as redrawing the map, however, it does seem to be that their perspective has merit in application. The idea is that everyone has these two selves, the psychological self is that deeper true self, it's your creativity and your reason, all that behind the scenes good stuff that makes up you. The sociological self is much more influenced by culture, it's behaviour and social conditioning and belief, the things we project outwardly about ourselves.

If this sounds familiar it's because it absolutely is, it's all very Jungian and Freudian and the authors admit to this. Where they differ though is the amount of agency given to the selves. Neither is a passive observer but instead a duality of the self that works in parallel as a team. These guys are also not afraid to get political in their writing and highlight how a culture that is at odds with the psychological self can give rise to extremist behaviours through overelaboration of the sociological self. There's a great bit in one of their papers about the kind of person who swings politically from far right to far left, it's wild.

When it comes to trauma, they propose that dissociation arises when the Sociological Self attempts to bury the psychological self to protect it. For instance, in the example of betrayal trauma from a caregiver, the psychological self would be the part of you that is hardwired to remain attached to said caregiver, while the sociological self recognises the danger. The SS pushes the PS down to protect it from the external reality, however, the authors suggest that the SS is unequipped to deal with this effectively without the PS's help.

Interestingly, they also suggest that the SS attempts to deal with trauma by distorting the reality of it. It repeats a version of the trauma to try and solve, unsuccessfully, and everytime it repeats it changes so that the trauma becomes retraumatising. This is important because this is where the sociocognitive aspect comes in, because when we are unable to rely on the internal solutions of the PS we turn our attention outward. Fantasy proneness, then, would result in unreliable narration of traumatic events based on attempts by the SS to reconcile trauma from external sources. Pseudomemories. The trauma is real, and a hard copy is stored in the psychological self, but when the SS acts as a barrier to the PS then that core trauma is inaccessible. That's why it's important to focus on the feelings behind the trauma as those remain true.

In this model, alter identity formation arises from the discrete packaging of trauma that is set aside, and an attempt by the psychological self to connect with the external world and creates a new sociological self. This is very relevant to me as it pertains to how I experience alters, that there's a pool of fragments (discrete trauma packages) and, when required, an alter emerges from this pool and passes through my social conditioning to create the identity aspect of the alters sense of self. The biographical data of the alter is therefore formed from my sociological self's interpretation of external sources (be they archetypal or direct copies of media).

This disconnect of the PS and SS leads to an underdevelopment of the psychological self and an over development of the sociological self. This is what, in the authors opinion, leads to the paradoxical phenomena of a lack of neuroplasticity (no new solutions for trauma are found) and high adaptability (new alter identities in traumatic or stressful situations) found in CDD patients. It also means that the psychological self remains a child with a strong drive towards protection and nurturing, but therefore, retains it's sensitivity towards betrayal and therefore need for protection.

Now, this is the extra wild bit, because the authors propose that reconnection and engagement with the psychological self should be the primary goal of psychotherapy and if successful then the PS can rapidly develop and resolve trauma.

In this paper

The authors highlight the main barrier to access of the psychological self, the trauma self. The TS is an aspect of the over developed sociological self. It contains a distorted sense of reality, one of hopelessness and helplessness, and projects this reality internally. Think of it like a recursive version of Plato's allegory of the cave. The trauma self sits inside the cave, miserable, but afraid of the shadows on the wall and therefore unable to leave. Those shadows are then projected inwards to internal parts onto their own cave wall. This creates a bidirectional phobia of the internal and external world. Internal protector parts are hyper vigilant against a distorted view of the external world, and the host alter becomes phobic of the internal parts which they view as irrational, frightening, and dangerous (hello, this is me).

Now, this is the bit that seems insane to me and what I would love others opinion on, because the authors seem to suggest that persecutory parts hold the resolution skills for processing trauma, and if the host would only stop being prejudiced against them (like, actually, not like liberal white women who support BLM but lock their car doors when they see someone looking a little too urban) and let the persecutors do what they were originally designed for then recovery is incredibly swift and effective. One case study took 6 sessions. They also claim that patients have had no relapses up to 7 years after treatment.

So, this to me seems way to good to be true (or maybe that's my treatment resistant trauma self talking 😅). There must surely be counter arguments to this model on limitations or impracticalities. The first paper I linked seems quite thoroughly in support of this model, but I'm pretty sure that it's the first time I've come across it. Does anyone else know more about this? Has it been done to death and thoroughly debunked? Are there discussions by other big names in the field? Help a sister out

[plasmasimagination]

Hihihi omg I just stumbled upon your blog and you seem sooo so sweet jabsjabsj ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა Nervous to ask but I was wondering if I could by any chance get a Genshin matchup ?? <3 I was going to ask for a Danganronpa matchup as well but I wasn't sure if that was too many or if I should request that in a different ask or something ... ໒꒰ྀི´• ˕ •` ꒱ྀིა

Oki-doki ! My name is Schneider - or Chara !! I don't mind either :3

I am transmasc, I use he/him prns, and I prefer more masc or gn terms ^^ No fem terms please !! I am uncomfy with that ><

I have no preference in terms of gender, I love everyone equally ^_< ★

Please no Zhongli, Ayato, Al Haitham, Haiji, or Toko !! I'm very sorry if this makes things complicated </3

Umm I'm a Scorpio !! I can't add the rest of the signs because I have no idea how to find that information ໒꒰ྀི 𖦹 ˕ × ꒱ྀིა‎ ‎ ‎ so sorry !!

I am an intj I think ^_^

I'm 170 cm // 5'7 !!

I'm a tad fucked up ^^ I have szpd, dpdr, autism, aspd, and I'm hypersexual !! In also anemic :3 I'm the whole package fr !

I'm Russian , Italian , and French :3 most fluent in Russian as I grew up in a primarily Russian speaking household... In Russia, but I'm also fluent in Italian <3 (surprisingly, when speaking irl, I suck at speaking English)

I'm a human icebox , I'm never not cold -_- I'm also never not sleepy!! I'm a very sleepy guy

I LOVE sweet things :333 I dislike sour, bitter, or dry things, and I prefer not to drink or eat anything hot ! It depends on what it is though ^^ (I also love angel food cake!!)

Overbearing fashion enthusiast ^_^ I collect SO many fashion magazines, I made my closet into a storage room for all of them ໒꒰ྀི >ヮ<꒱ྀི১

Personality ; I'm generally a very thoughtful person I think, I always try to take other's into consideration when doing or saying something!! Due to autism, I have a hard time being expressive through facial expressions and tone of voice, so I usually have an either bored or tired look on my face that sometimes scares people off </3 My voice is monotone so it often comes off as me being disinterested or irritated... I'm not !! (Usually) I love helping people and taking care of people !! It makes me feel like I'm actually needed somewhere // by someone :3 Another important thing, I never speak unless spoken to- even to family members and close friends !! So if you don't speak to me first, we'll likely never speak at all ໒꒰ྀི´• ˕ •` ꒱ྀིა

Appearance ; I have dark blue hair with black roots !! It's thick and fluffy near the top, but thins out and curls more near the tips ^^ One side goes right below the shoulder, and the other sits right on the shoulder !! Very uneven, I tried to cut it myself when highly intoxicated and fucked it up </3 I have brown eyes, one is slightly paler than the other because of an eye injury !! I have super bad depth perception because of it, and often end up bumping into things or tripping without realising something was right in front of me -_- I'm almost always wearing my Ushanka when outside because I have a strange emotional attachment to it and get anxious when I don't have it when I go out !

Hobbies ; Writing, making dollhouses, taking care of animals, fashion, flower arranging, collecting animal bones (THAT I FOUND IN THE WILD!! I would never EVER harm an animal :( I just think anatomy is very fascinating!)

According to my friends, I seem very intimidating when you first meet me, but I'm actually very kind once we talk <3 (some of them said my spirit animal is a rat , I'm taking that as a compliment because I think rats are silly ^^)

------------------------------------

I hope this is good !!! I'm so so sorry if I did anything wrong or if I overshared, I have a bad habit of doing that ໒꒰ྀི´• ˕ •` ꒱ྀིა Have an amaaaaaaaaaaaazing day or night :3 Ly <3

AY AY captain sweetheart!! Here comes a fresh request out of the depths of the sea!

A/n - jokes aside I've actually been eyeing this request in my inbox for a while but had to finish some previous ones up and I finally got to do it phewww!! ALSO A MAN IN THE INBOX??? THATS A SECOND GUY I HAD IN HERE!! Men are very rare on my account so I'm super excited to see that my writing reached such a wide audience, love you all girls guys and non binary pals out there MWAAAH ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ • *✰

(also ofcourse not, you can't overshare on my account (∩˃ω˂∩))

Anyways into your request!

.

.

.

VENTI

This was honestly such a hard decision

I didn't know if I should give you someone to match your vibe, or to go for someone to be opposite

I decided to go with venti since I think you two would be a cute couple

Extrovert loud boyfriend X introverted sweet boyfriend

I like to think that venti, though loud and annoying at times, would be very caring and sweet towards you

And by that I mean that he's very considerate and thoughtful, which he may not seem at first glance

You guys do have similar hobbies, a poet and a writer, isn't that a nice combination?

By that theme, venti would write A LOT poems about you

He finds your personality way too fascinating and charming not to, how could he resist?!

He also enjoys doing anything with you really, he won't miss a single chance to spend time with you, even if you're not even doing anything he'll just simply enjoy your presence in the silence then.

SHUICHI

Different from venti, shuichi is more introverted and quiet

Though it may be a big difference in personality between those two, I still do believe that shuichi is very lovable and loving and a good match to a lot of people

And as for why I picked him for you

Shuichi would somewhat be a nice partner, he's caring and loving after all, and I like to think that a guy like you deserves all the love in the world

And shuichi can provide you with a lot of love, he might not be very physical about his love, but he is verbal, he will tell you from time to time that hes proud of you, that he enjoys your company, that he loves you.

Another of his love languages is acts of service, so do not be surprised if he brings over some sweets to you from time to time

Also I matched you up with him because shuichi is a good listener, and would absolutely adore hearing about your hobbies, and just generally if youre ranting he will gladly listen

A thing he loves about you specifically, is the way you're always thoughtful of others and try to include them, it always brings a smile to his face

Honestly shuichi is just a perfect cutiepie, and I think he would match and compliment your personality very nicely

ヾ( ˃ᴗ˂ )◞ • *✰

[sophieinwonderland]

Imitated DID 2 - Hysterical Boogaloo

We're diving back in from where we left off last time. Now with the "hysterical" group.

There is actually a certain level of logic to part of this.

I don't diagnose people with disorders. But when talking about plurality with questioning systems, I find it much more useful to ask about their internal experiences and hear them described in their own words.

Especially because a lot of medical jargon and even plural community terms kind of suck for describing these type of experiences. If someone isn't describing things in their own words, I can understand feeling like they might be faking. But that doesn't mean they are.

Comorbid Mental Illnesses can affect communication: We have ASD. If you've noticed, we tend to use jargon and big words a lot. I often make up my own jargon too because much of what I see from psychiatry is inadequate. (I could go on long rants about how meaningless the word "dissociation" is.)

The issue is that a lot of people with ASD or other disorders might behave like this. We might use clinical words if we've studied them. I'd like to think We would have the presence of mind to not reply to a psychiatrist asking "what do you mean by amnesia" by explaining whether our amnesia is retrograde or anterograde, but I could easily imagine someone else doing that.

Some people also have personality types where they might be seeking respect, and trying to impress a psychiatrist with their knowledge of academic terms.

Perhaps what appears to not be genuine is just another condition that makes people communicate in ways a neurotypical wouldn't be expected to.

This also goes for other behavior that appears non-genuine. Maybe someone presenting more overt presentation just doesn't have a filter or social awareness.

(Also, amnesia isn't even professional jargon. It's used all the time by lay people.)

Again, most people with DID stated they would miss the voices of their alters: Like I said in the last post, 69% of DID voice hearers said they would miss their alters' voices if they were gone.

The feeling of "I won't let anybody take them away from me!" isn't uncommon. They're in the MAJORITY. Maybe expressing these feelings aloud is uncommon. But that just makes me further suspect influence from comorbid disorders that make it difficult to tell what's socially acceptable.

Another possibility is someone mentions their full trauma history and talks about their conditions as a test of sorts. They've learned to expect rejection, and want to be upfront about everything so that if they scare someone away, it will be right at the beginning of the relationship.

It's so important to account for different behaviors in different people, and different illnesses and conditions that can influence those behaviors.

WHAT?!

She couldn't handle Lucille, who always got her own way. Lucille is convinced that her mother physically and sexually abused her.

There are many ways to write this that wouldn't involve portraying the mother as a victim of a little girl.

It's stated as an objective fact that Lucille's mother "couldn't handle Lucille," suggesting Lucille was always the problem. Meanwhile, "Lucille is convinced" her mother abused her. It's not even neutral language, like she "reported" or "described" it. She's "convinced."

I'm absolutely appalled.

Also, it feels a little gross for the doctors to describe their patient as "attractive" and with a "seductive presentation." I'm not the only one feeling that, right?

So she essentially did report amnesia. It just sounds like she didn't understand what amnesia was or was in denial, and clinicians should have questioned further.

Surely, if she were trying to manipulate the clinicians, she'd have claimed to amnesia, right? Since amnesia is part of the criteria?

Like with the "borderline" group from before, she had DPDR.

So she recognized similarity in her own experiences with DID systems AND an independent clinician confirmed her DID.

But this is what they're using as evidence against her. That she heard about it first and then identified with it. But that's often how people learn about their disorders. Sure, sometimes it can be wrong. But it shouldn't be treated as evidence against somebody as it is here.

Quick reminder that she started to hurt herself in group treatment.

Why would you suggest she go without therapy? Supposedly it worked out if we trust the clinicians' report. But I'm not so certain I do. I doubt they'd say "we told her to take a hike and then she was worse off than when we left her."

Now, the actual section focused on Lucille isn't the last time we'll hear about her, so let's skip ahead a bit.

This adds a bit more context to the earlier wording of her being "convinced" her mother abused her.

But the implications are a bit more terrifying to me. What was left out of this case study?

Lucille comes in experiencing chronic symptoms of DP/DR. She believes her mother abused her. The clinicians here seem to take the side of the mother in a peculiar way, describing Lucille's mother as "being unable to handle" the little girl.

After leaving therapy and coming back for a follow up, Lucille is saying, uncertainly, that the abuse she endured might not have happened.

Did the clinicians, as authority figures, also try to convince Lucille that her memories of abuse were false?

This feels extremely gaslighty to me.

This is actually a good practice. And is a huge problem I have with the anti-endo ideology is that it often encourages people to look for trauma to confirm systemhood. If you tell someone who is a system they need trauma to be a system, there is a real concern of them trying to fit themselves into that box.

But is the implication that Lucille fabricated her trauma after seeking treatment for DID, and never believed it prior? If so, that feels like an incredibly relevant detail to omit from your case study.

So their opinion, ultimately, is that these cases of "imitated DID" are fabricating trauma memories.

Essentially, this paper is advocating for False Memory Syndrome.

And worse, they admit there's no way to reliably assess suggestibility in these patients, since the authors claim the suggestibility is selective and the scale useless.

It comes down to the individual clinicians with their individual biases to determine who is or isn't an actual trauma survivor.

What is all of this REALLY about?

Now we get to the real point

While other parts of the paper pay lip service to helping patients, a large amount of it is focused on addressing malpractice complaints.

Here is some interesting wording. Shouldn't the interests of the patients be the priority of therapy?

I understand the intent behind this. But the wording presents an adversarial relationship between clinicians and hostile patients where clinicians are meant to act as judges and authority figures, and acting in the interests of the patients is "collusion."

Ideally, even if a patient were faking DID, giving them a more correct diagnosis would still be working in the best interests of the patients, right? At no point should acting in the patient's interest be presented as a bad thing as it is here.

Patients suing therapists over believed-malpractice are presented as seeking "attention and gratification."

I'd agree that it would be interesting to know what groups the suing patients fall into. But there would need to be a better way to make such an assessment.

Because if you're going to have cases like Sandra's, mentioned in the last post, where clinicians are forming biases based on her life history of self-medication with drugs and having an older boyfriend before they even observe her, this method isn't effective.

What would be really interesting to me is, if Sandra or Lucille had gone to another clinic, would the other clinics have judged their DID as being imitated? Or is this solely a result of the biases of these clinicians?

In contrast, would those clinics have judged other patients that this clinic said had "genuine" DID of having imitated DID.

Is there even the slightest bit of credence to this concept? Can it be consistently applied or is this just the opinions of one clinic being treated as gospel?

The goal of the whole paper is pushing False Memory Syndrome in a way that pushes responsibility from clinicians onto patients.

Over 20 years later, and this hypothesis is still groundless. Not just the hypothesis that those responsible for lawsuits are imitated DID cases, but even that second opinions could confirm their own case studies as being imitated DID.

This paper that started the "imitated DID" myth, the paper that led to the controversial McLean video, is based on nothing.

It was motivated not with the goal of helping patients with DID nor helping the patients they accuse of imitating DID, but by the self-interest of clinicians trying to protect themselves from malpractice complaints of patients they treat as hostile and adversarial.

[maris-27]

an update of sorts

long post but necessary ! check tags for content warnings before reading

Ok fine hiii helloooo yes i am aware i've been gone for a million years and i also know most who follow me mostly likely do not care and / or have completely forgotten about this blog (which is completely fine i promise, i'm being lighthearted and /pos). That being said, it didn't feel correct to pass by, post the silly and disappear into the wind this time around, so here goes.

Although i've always loved to post only and exclusively when i fell like it and want to, and this is a fact that does stay true even right now, there have been mayor life factors as to why i've been 99% gone. The main one, very genuinely and very simply, is me being very busy with uni. I've been studying animation since 2020, and i'm currently on my 5th out of 6 semesters before graduating. I like to keep things separate (personal art and "uni art") so I've not been sharing a lot about my journey. I feel like i owe you all more content because of this, and i may post thesis-related content once i'm more free or when i feel comfortable doing so. I've been creating parallel to all of this but i just have not felt the itch to post, the same way i've left aside social media almost entirely. To put it bluntly, it did not do me any good, and it connects to the other reason/s as to why i've been radio-silent…

On the other hand, 2023 was an entirely different level of low for me. I will not trauma-dump on you all, but i've been struggling on-and-off with my mental health virtually all my life. Intrusive thoughts since i was a child, GAD, DPDR, etc etc. During my most active years here (2016-18) i was using art as a main coping mechanism and it did help me a lot, but the bad periods only got worse since then, as they do. Once you learn to cope with a level of "severity", next time you'll need to learn to cope with a harder one, and so forth. Not always ofc, but it was like that for me and still pretty much is. Just how the fluctuating nature of my mental health is. The ever changing downward spiral that started in 2020, a year i have genuine real trouble remembering at all due to how dissociated from reality i was, hit new records each year after that. '21, '22, and finally '23 where i almost fully gave up. twice.

I'm doing a LOT better nowadays, i am not in any risk and i'm no longer a danger to my own well-being (i promise) thanks to my beloved therapist and loved ones, but '24 has been an entire year of recovering and mostly coming to terms to what has happened to me not only last but these past few years, inwards and outwards. Life has been gentler on me, and that's mainly why i got inspired to post this.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you have. Cannot promise I'll be more active but what i can promise is that i'll be around. Have a great week everyone, wherever y'all are.

[domesticateddog]

as brief as i can i’m gonna say what i’ve gone through in the past year:

DPDR panic attacks got worse again, eventually and reluctantly had 6 more rounds of ECT in november-december, supposed to do more rounds but i just CAN NOT do it. it’s like a fucking phobia to go through it again. dpdr got mildly better

on february 12th (super bowl sunday) i started to have another DPDR panic attack, ran inside the house and somehow woke up barely able to move or breath extremely confused on the kitchen floor: i had a 2 minute long tonic clonic seizure out of nowhere. my boyfriend and father in law were both on the phone with 911 and my parents. i was the most tired i’ve ever been in my life and couldn’t understand anything anyone was asking me, somehow i got the strength to walk to my bed and layer down. paramedics came, assessed me and took me to the hospital. they tried to discharge me but i asked to see the doctor so they admitted me for a night. they did an MRI and an EEG and both were fine. they had already given me anticonvulsants and plus ativan (which is also an anticonvulsant) so i don’t understand what they were looking for. obviously i’m not going to seize while very heavily medicated.. i got discharged without answers.

no answers and i had to wait 6 WEEKS until i actually saw a neurologist, he spoke to me for 2 minutes max and said “eh sometimes people have seizures, give me $10,000 goodbye”

my DPDR panic attacks got SIGNIFICANTLY worse on top of my CONSTANT fear of having another seizure. this is the worst it’s ever been ever and i do not know what to do anymore.

i saw my psychiatrist twice, she gave me lamictal and then immediately quit without warning and i still don’t have a psychiatrist and i think the lamictal (anticonvulsant/mood stabilizer and anxiety/depression medication) is making my DPDR worse. but i cannot just GO OFF my meds because i don’t want another seizure. i CANNOT go through that again….

got in a huge fucking battle with my primary care doctor over getting ativan as needed and he FINALLY gave me 14 (14!?!?! KILL YOURSELF!!)

all psychiatrists are BOOKED SOLID so i eventually went to the nearby mental health place that sucks fucking ass and the nearest psychiatrist appointment they had is july 30th….. so i still haven’t gotten established yet.

my DPDR is at an all time high and i cannot go on walks or bike rides anymore without having an attack and now i am reluctantly thinking about getting ECT again. i have cried NUMEROUS times just thinking about it and the thought makes me want to puke. the entire experience just so terrifying to me and it’s SO clinical it GIVES me panic attacks just thinking about it. i have yet to actually go through with it but we will see.

ECT scares me so fucking bad and although i’ve done it 14 times total now, the thought of doing it again makes me want to kill myself. the entire thing is my worst nightmare. bright fluorescent lights, all the sounds of the other patients going first before me while my heartbeat goes so fast the nurse has to come in a turn my monitor off multiple times. 5-6 people gathering around me, talking while they lay me down flat and try to put both the mouth block in and the “oxygen” mask (i can’t breath with it on) and then putting me to sleep while i struggle being able to swallow until i finally hear that disgusting sounds that rings in my ears when give anesthetics….just typing this out is making me shake and tremble and i’m probably gonna have to do it again because it’s the only thing that has ever effectively worked

[guiltygearconfessions]

Faust is my favorite character of all time, I think about him every day and this whole essay isn't even the tip of the iceberg of how much he means to me.

[Warnings: ABSURDLY long text, mentions of suicide, mentions of antidepressants]

My goodness fucking gracious, I absolutely adore this guy. I don't care if he isn't real, he's so damn gorgeous and I would kiss him every day, every night and anytime.

I feel like those weeb guys with their anime girlfriends, but honestly? I don't care anymore. I want to hug him and cuddle with him, give him a box of the best donuts I can afford, listen to anything he has to say, tell him how important he's to me, take him to therapy and why not, marry him.

This weird and chaotic doctor saved my life. This is not a joke, this is not an hyperbole: I have this... executive dysfunction and DPDR disorder. I struggle to do what I want to and instead I just sit there, reading or doing small things because my mental health... isn't the best (I get to almost evey place really late because I can't even move)... but this man, yes, the bald guy from the met fighting game truly is helping me overcome this problem. I even reduced my antidepressant dose - which I've been on for almost two years.

I also have identity issues, a complicated relationship with my past self, an "I NEED to help people" mentality and tried to end my life many times (reminder: he almost committed suicide in Missing Link). Can you imagine how I reacted to the Another Story ending? I. Cried. Three. Times.

The moment I saw that official art from the Skullgirls gallery (indeed, I'm the same guy, hello) I said, internally: "Wow! I really like his design. Where is he from, though?" Then I forgot about it for a while until I... don't remember, I won't lie. However, I hyperfixated to a concerning extent with him and now... here I am, listening to his soundtracks, doodling him, collecting paper bags (I already did that before knowing about his existence, though), having almost 600 fanarts in my phone, planning to cosplay him in January for a convention, sewing a mini Faust plushie and... writing this.

So... we can summarize this by saying fifteen words: I love him so much, his story saved my life and he really deserves best.

Live your truth, people.

- A (signing this just because it's funny :])

-

[barbarianiswriting]

pre existing dpdr and edibles.

to start- this is my personal experience im not saying what you should or shouldnt do.

first, i should say i usually have a good time after taking a gummy. i get giggly, a bit disoriented but light. i have dpdr, so i never really minded the 'not feeling real' aspect of gummies. thats my everyday and all the gummy does is make me not mind that feeling for once in my life. what im saying is ive taken gummies enough to know what to do and how to monitor myself.

so thats why i was super caught off guard when i had a bad trip last night. im not sure why.  i took a gummy as i always do- even better considering i did it on a full stomach. everything was fine at first but soon enough i started panicking. everything felt like a dream or a memory, way worse than usual. like something you recall with gaps. like i was daydreaming a story i havent thought all the way through and keep skipping around. it was like blinking in and out of existence. it was as i normally feel but cranked up to an unbearable and terrifying level. i was hyperventilating, crying, and screamed some. i was constantly shaking throughout everything. my body was convulsing and my teeth were chattering, as i usually do when im dead tired. i am most sure i had multiple panic attacks- or one long one. i had to keep repeating i was awake and that everything was real. i was mortified that i did all this in front of people. still am. granted, i of course tried to separated myself from others when i realized what was happening. but unfortunately felt it best to have my sibling, whom i was visiting, monitor me- particularly if i was holding something, checking in on me when i had a door closed, etc. at the very beginning i had them try and hug me from the back to see if that would help, as i remembered from online- an attempt to calm the panicking person, articles ive read had said. it most certainly did not. apparently every other sense was imperative to helping me but touch from others was detrimental. could not stand it. but then again, i cant stand it normally so i should have guessed. im grateful that eating helped. it was a good sensory experience. brighter lights i also believed helped. watching tv and very intently trying to keep up with the show. anytime i put my head down and closed my eyes, effectively depriving me of sight and 'reality'- as distorted as it was- was unendurable. im still not sure if my usual issues with dpdr helped or worsened the experience. on one hand, it meant that i knew, on some level, that whatever i was feeling was indeed trickery and i knew how to attempt to ground myself with what i know how to. on the other, it was taunting me with the knowledge of how much worse my life could be- making me terrified it would never wear off because i already have dpdr. luckily, i got control of my breathing, crying, and screaming relatively soon enough. i could then talk and hold conversation. this is where i believe my everyday dpdr experience helped- i was equipped with the ability to ignore im not real. of course it would come back worse over and over again, but luckily i did not break down fully again- even if my composure wasnt fully there (crying, some shortness of breath. never fully lost though). after an hour or so, forgive me for my inability to recall the time, i eventually felt alright enough to cognitively brush my teeth, get into bed, and scroll pinterest while watching bobs burgers till i fell asleep. which, thankfully, came soon. i woke up with no ill affects, besides the carried over mortification. im mainly writing this down for my own good- so i remember or whatnot. i am alright and of sound enough mind today- but my dpdr has become a forefront in my mind. i will never take a gummy outside my own home again (and not for awhile, i should assume). i am still confused as to what could've happened to make it so bad, though, as i had taken one earlier this week, friday, and was perfectly fine and happy. i am quite frankly stumped. it doesnt matter now i suppose. i just wanted to let anyone else already dealing w dpdr who may be thinking of taking edibles that it really can go either way and you gotta weigh the pros and cons. cause imo, theyre quite extreme pros and cons

[hiro-doodlez]

HELP I can't see my therapist for a couple of weeks and am currently having something i like to dub "yet another hiro autism crisis" where i contemplate if my therapist gave me the right diagnoses (she has told me she is not certified to give autism diagnoses, and instead more things like depression) Right now, I am diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety/ Social anxiety (its still up in the air, DPDR, and depression. idk if that matters SO NOW I LIST RANDOM THINGS that could be considered symptoms or not I DUNNO HOW TO DO THISS feel free to ask questions about some of the crap i say here half of it doesn't make sense

First off, I have a general trouble understanding most social situations, and struggle sometimes when talking about practically anything. For example, earlier today my step-mom basically said she wasnt going to finish her food and let my brother have it. my brother said he would leave 2, he didnt (BOZO) and later after he left she found the empty container and said something along the lines "HAH! I thought he said he was gonna leave me 2!" and immdeiately without thinking i went "hey! you said he could have as many as he can! and hes working 10 hours a day and needs his energy!!" half jokingly and she got mad at me for it, we got into a mini argument over that.

When saying something thats serious, i tend to make a joke around it and i have NO CLUE why. I just CANT be openly upset around people. For example, when being told about something that happened to me as a kid that NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RAGRHAGHAG, instead of having a breakdown and being reasonably upset, i burst out into giggles and laughs while my brother was just so fucking confused on what was wrong. It was kinda like i couldn't stop and it fucking sucked

The TINIEST things can upset me, and other HUGE things can have little to no effect. Its so incredibly annoying

I have INTENSE fluxuations in interests, hobbies, and motivation for certain projects. I will start on this huge project that im INCREDIBLY excited for, and then a week later have little to no interest in continuing it.

I make everything about my personality a joke, i dont know why. EVERYTHING i tend to say or do has to be funny. it's like i dont want people to see beneath that

I fluctuate in personality A TON, especially depending by the people i am around. At school, I'm the quiet kid. I don't talk to anyone except maybe 5 people, but other than that i tend to stay completely silent. It could be a mask? i dunno. but when im at home, ask my brothers, i am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. it might also be me just getting some of my energy out? RRAHHH I DUNNOOO

I will simply forget to do very important things to the point of endangering my health. Like forgetting to eat for a day straight. my step-mom thinks i have an ED AND I DONT. i literally just keep realizing suddenly at like 6 pm all i have eaten is a couple of skittles and pringles.

i have no clue how talking to people works and im constantly winging it. I forget how to have friends especially how to even talk or interact with them and its so stupid. I can't ever start a conversation with someone without having at least 5 minutes going "am i weird for this am i being annoying am i being clingy".

If i say even one thing wrong i WILL be thinking about it for DAYS thinking about how they probably hate me now and im a terrible person ect. ect.

I tend to hide many of my traits (especially good ones) because i am incredibly embarrassed and never want anyone to EVER compare themselves to me.

im a people pleaser does that count

i tend to get extremely upset if i get told one bad thing about something that i like or just a project i have. For example, I had this fandom silly man poll because i just wanted to find out who was silly. Then one of my friends just posted something like "i hate fandom polls theyre the worst" and i just lost complete motivation afterwards. I haven't touched that blog in WEEKS at this point becuase i simply have no more interst

I have had a meltdown or 2 before, and they both stemmed from being told about how i was a bad person. i don't know why the hell thats a thing

I can't stay focused on one thing for long periods of time (ADHD cough cough) Like literally earlier i was watching this video about autistic traits and i kept having to back the video up because i would get sidetracked in my mind to the point where im just not listening anymore

if im not paying attention to people sometimes I SWEAR theyre saying "ffajaleifnanamzmaldafjkjeffnma" and as soon as i start noticing it suddenly theres words again. hate that.

i have times where it can kinda seem like i cant speak, and if i do everything comes out wrong and jumbled. Like when my autistic friend would have a sensory related meltdown, i would never know what to do and end up going dead silent because of being so mad at myself for not knowing how to help (any tips actually hahahahaHOW DO I HELP)

i have little idea who the hell i am. had a mini-crisis because i didn't know what my favorite color was because before, it was the color my friend with synesthesia said i was and i just went with that (i think its purple or blue i have no fucking clue JFALJK)

i will have spikes of random motivation on one thing. like learning lanugauges, i will have a week where its so easy to get like 10 lessons on duolingo done a day and then the next week its a struggle to get even one done.

i focus better with distractions ??? I can't focus without music and tend to do better on reading tests if everyone else in the class is talking ???

i remember the most random things about certain things. Like, i could not for the LIFE of me remember what color that one persons hair that i was talking to for 15 minutes straight. but i can remember that they had pink socks on. WHY IS THAT WHAT I REMEMBER??

I hate organization and doing the same thing every day. i NEED chaos. My brother a little bit ago helped me out and got me to make a personal to-do list. i couldnt do it a single day even though the things were extremely simple like "brush hair, make bed, eat breakfast ect."

i zone out a LOT. especially when people bring up topics im uncomfortable with or conflict with my current feelings. i go into a kinda little talking (not nonverbal, i can still talk) or just confused state that freaking sucks.

when im in a high energy mood i tend to not feel.. reall???? I do many things overboard and annoy the heck out of my brothers. i always feel terrible afterwards.

Idk if this is weird to say but i tend to get really off put when people im comfy with get haircuts or major changes in their appearance. I never like the change no matter what the hair cut looks like. i dont have any clue why

i have no clue whether or not any of this is real or if I have managed to make it all up in my head. (bascially when i was younger i wanted attention and ended up faking depression for a year straight and was an absolute ass to my friends and blah blah blah)

[starfishinthedistance]

i have a question about your ptsd post (the one about how a lot of people have ptsd and don't realize it). (no pressure to answer this btw!! /gen. figured i'd ask bc you seem knowledgeable)

what if something traumatic happened but i literally don't remember the events themselves; only how i felt afterwards? could that mean i have ptsd? (i personally don't really think i do but i'm kind of confused about it so)

my memories really bad (maybe it's linked to the adhd? idk) and theres so much i don't remember at all or remember VERY vaguely, but my psychology prof said that your brain makes memories with strong emotions *more* memorable and vivid (hence nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks as responses to severe trauma).

i guess i'm mainly confused about the distinction between symptoms of ptsd and how someone without ptsd reacts to reminders of trauma

Hiiii :)

So I obviously can't say for sure whether you have trauma/PTSD or not, or what it was if you do, but not being able to remember things is a part of PTSD, especially C-PTSD. As I said in the post, in the criteria there's "inability to recall key features of the trauma". But it's also common to not be able to remember a trauma at all, or only parts of it, and then for it to come back much later. That can be part of why someone might have the Delayed Specification (full criteria not met until at least 6 months until after the trauma). I myself have experience of not being able to remember a trauma that happen when I was 7-8 at all until it suddenly came back one night when I was 14.

If you dissociate (whether you have the Dissociative Specification of PTSD, or another dissociative disorder like DID or DPDR), it's likely you dissociated during those traumas, which prevents you from remembering things properly. That could be why you can't remember, because you could've been emotionally dissociated as well as sensually.

But it's also important to remember that while cortisol (the stress hormome that produces a lot during traumatic events) can enhance your memory of an event, or a specific part of it, prolonged exposure to cortisol can have the opposite effect and damage your memory of the event. The cortisol can impair the hippocampus' ability to recall memories. The longer you're exposed to it, the more risk you're at for not being able to remember the trauma well. This is why this kind of memory loss is very common in C-PTSD, because prolonged exposure to trauma is prolonged exposure to cortisol.

However the advice that I would give to you, and I think I've said this before but I'm not sure, is not to try to force your brain to remember. If you do have trauma, it will come back to you eventually. If you try to force it, you could trigger a severe flashback, panic attack or breakdown of some kind. Your brain will let you remember when its ready.

So you could have PTSD, just depends on how your experiences fit with the criteria.

And answering that last question is a little complicated because it depends on the person, some non-PTSD having trauma survivors don't react at all to being reminded, some experience emotional distress/physical reactivity but it doesn't last that long or have a big effect on their life. It depends on the person and their specific symptoms and experiences.

Hope that helps :)