#also being a constructed person made out of a piece of someone else and having angst about it

[philcoulsonismyhero]

Bit of a niche crossover, but I'm suddenly having a lot of emotions about Penny Polendina and Hunter Owl House and the angst and trauma they have in common but also the fact that they're both Deeply goofy kids who would get along Really Well. The goofy, sad construct kids should get to be crossover friends and I may have to draw and/or write that

[justwinginglife]

Hello?! I hope I'm not late to make a request😅

May I request for Hoshina's reaction to making the reader accidentally cry?Reader is sensitive to loud noise like loud voice,thunders etc...and Hoshina has always been careful in raising his voice at her or attentive but he accidentally raised his voice at her because he mistook her as someone else?

Omg hello! Welcome to my page. You are not too late- I would be honored to write this for you.

The Sound Of His Love

Soshiro Hoshina was sweet, he was funny, he was protective, he was charming- but the thing that stood out the most to you was that he was incredibly considerate.

Your entire life people had teased you for scaring easy- whether it was thunderstorms, construction, fireworks, it didn't matter. Someone could close a door a little too loudly and you'd jump. You couldn't help it. Something about volume was overwhelming to you and you found yourself constantly shrinking at how loud the world was.

But not Soshiro Hoshina. He was gentle, he was soothing. And when he learned about your sensitivity to noise, he made every effort to be a safe haven for you. He didn't see you as lesser, he just saw you as someone who needed a little more love and he always had an abundance to give.

He even let you move into his place after your neighbor got a particularly noisy, particularly rowdy new dog. The man was a dream come true.

So now you wanted to do something to surprise him. You'd never been able to visit him at work because of all the shooting drills that were going on and the possibility of the alarm going off any second to signal a kaiju attack, but today you wanted to try. He was always cooking for you and cleaning up after you (even going so far as throwing out his old vacuum and just sweeping the carpet so as to avoid any noise), so this time you decided to make him a lunch to thank him.

You plated it all pretty in your little bento box and even put a sticky note on top with a little love letter on it.

You had already called up Mina the day before, Hoshina- being the thoughtful person that he was- had introduced the two of you in case you couldn't reach him (and he also just wanted to show you off to someone), and she had approved your little surprise visit, saying she'd help anyway she could.

So today you put on your noise cancelling headphones and make the walk over to the base, your lunchbox in tow. You're greeted at the door by Mina and she leads you to his office to sit and wait for him. Then she gets the idea that she should dress you in one of her uniforms so you look like a soldier, "I bet it'll really do something to that boyish brain of his to see you like this", she winks. You blush and let her do what she wants.

Then you just sit in his office chair and wait.

Little do you know, Hoshina is having the worst day. He had to make the long journey out to the First Division today on almost no sleep for a joint mission, he usually gets a kick out of pushing Narumi's buttons but today the Captain was being extra irritating towards him for no apparent reason, and to make matters worse, Narumi got most of the kills causing Hoshina to sulk about why he was even there in the first place. And then, just to add to his already miserable day, his train ride back got delayed, he got soaked waiting in the rain for it to come, and he was starving. By the time he dragged his dripping, aching body back to his office, he just wanted some piece and quiet and of course he opens the door to find some soldier twiddling their thumbs in his chair.

"Soldier!" He booms. "Who told you that you could let yourself into my office?? I want answers, then I want push-up's, then I want your sorry ass out of my damn office!"

With every word he thunders, you flinch, sinking deeper and deeper into his chair until you feel the tears starting to well up. You know he doesn't know that it's you and that he's probably just had a bad day, but you're still shocked to find that your gentle boyfriend can be not so gentle when he's not around you. You slowly swivel the chair in his direction, your shaking hands lifting the hat away from your face, revealing your tear-stained cheeks to him.

He drops to his knees in an instant.

"Baby..." He gasps. "Oh my god baby, you're here."

You give him a small, weak smile, trying to wipe the tears away, embarrassed that they just keep coming. "S-surprise?"

He slaps his forehead- hard. "I-I'm... I'm so so sorry for yelling at you baby. Please don't... please don't cry, I'm sorry." He pulls himself to his feet and envelops you in a warm hug, repeating his apology over and over again in whispers until you've stopped shaking.

"I-it's okay." You say finally.

He shakes his head vehemently. "It's not okay. I never should've raised my voice at you even if I thought you were an officer, I was just having a bad day baby I'm so sorry. It's really not who I am."

You smile again, this time more confidently. "I know that's not who you are baby. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. I made you lunch."

You gesture to the bento box that's been waiting on his desk.

His eyes widen and he starts to look even more ashamed. He falls to his knees again, curling up and laying his head in your lap. "I don't deserve you." He murmurs, stroking the length of your legs.

You start to blush and you're glad he's nuzzled himself against you and can't see your rosy cheeks.

"I can't believe I made you cry. I swore I'd never make you cry." He mumbles against your legs.

You rub a hand over his shoulder. "It's okay baby, really. I know you didn't mean to."

He shakes his head again. "It's not okay and I will never make you cry ever again, please forgive me."

You kiss the top of his head. "Already done baby. Now eat your lunch so this trip was worth it."

He pulls away from you, finally able to smile. "I'll clean the whole box out if it'll make you happy."

He finishes scarfing down the food and you both walk home together, hand in hand.

This relationship of yours may at times be difficult to navigate, but you know he always tries his best and that's enough for you.

Decades down the road, when you're both old and gray, you smile to yourself as you realize he's kept his promise, he never made you cry ever again.

[ao3-shenanigans]

Hi! Just a thing I wrote in honor of Comment Day. Maybe you might want to read/share it?

Every writer I have never known a writer is always happy to get positive feedback, but some readers believe if they leave kudos or a comment, they’re bothering the writer. Here’s a comparison that might explain why that isn’t the case.

Imagine that the fanfic is a play, and the author has worked really hard on the whole thing: costumes, scenery, the plot, characterization, everything. It’s opening night. The stage manager (AO3) gives the author the headcount (hit number) of the audience (the readers). The writer is now able to imagine 10 or 100 or 1000 people sitting in the audience, watching what they have created. While a big number is fantastic, most writers are thrilled anyone wants to see what they’ve made.

When the play is over, the writer comes out to take a bow.  One hundred people are in the audience.

Two people clap (left a kudos).

Everyone else gets up and walks out in silence.

Obviously, the writer is happy these two people clapped, but they’re also thinking, “Did… did the other 98 people hate it? Were those pity claps? Was it that bad?”

That’s what’s happening on AO3. A fantastic single-chapter fic will get over a thousand hits and wind up with maybe 5 to 10% of those readers leaving kudos. The other 90% could include people re-reading, and numbers get more complicated with multichapter fics since readers can leave kudos only once.

But essentially, a lot of readers see a fic as being more like a movie, where the audience just leaves at the end. It’s even harder for an “older” fic (“older” can sometimes be applied to fics posted only a month ago), where the “play” has been running a while, the author is still there doing everything, but now people decide since it’s not new, there’s no point in showing they liked it.

Maybe one in a hundred readers, sometimes fewer, leaves a written comment. This is like hearing someone in that theater cheering. If it’s a piece of feedback that’s more detailed than a keysmash or an “I like this,” that person is giving the author a standing ovation. And if someone recommends the fic somewhere, maybe saying so in a comment, it’s like getting a rave review on the cover of the New York Times!

All of these are happy things. Kudos, comments of any length, recs, all of them make an author’s day shiny and happy. They’re absolutely fantastic! No writer is bothered by anyone doing these things.

Maybe you’re still thinking, okay, I can see I’m not bothering the writer, but does just writing “I really enjoyed this fic” do anything?

Yes. Because there are the other, less happy responses. Some comments might be demands, making the comment less about thanking the writer and more turning it into a to do list for them. Some authors see their work has been bookmarked only to realize it has a note like “this is awful” or “TLDR” or “started okay but was stupid by the end.” The default for bookmarks is everyone can see them. Finally, anyone who has written fic for any length of time has dealt with flames. These aren’t constructive criticism; they’re flat out abuse, ranging from name calling to highly detailed insults that are the exact reverse of a long, happy comment. Authors look in their email, see someone has commented on their fic, and are thrilled, only to read the comment and be told they are worthless, stupid, untalented. Everyone gets these sometimes, and writers should ignore them, but most of us have sometimes cried over them. Picture that same theater full of silent people, with one or two people clapping, and suddenly someone stands up and starts booing and hurling rotten tomatoes on stage. Readers might not even know it’s happening since writers usually delete those comments. But they still sting.

Kudos and compliments are not annoying anyone. Flames, on the other hand, are awful. The difference is the polite reader who chooses to say nothing out of shyness backs away from doing something that will make the writer happy, while the rude reader actively goes out of their way to make the writer unhappy.

I’ve been in fandom quite a while. Interaction has dropped since the old days, and it’s even dropped off over time at AO3. I’m not sure why, unless it’s that readers regard hits as being like views on TikTok. Since TikTok’s algorithm chooses what will show up more often in people’s feeds based on views, that makes some sense there, but AO3 doesn’t do that. There is no popularity contest writers are winning through views. Unless you tell them, they may think you hated what they wrote and that the flames are the genuine overall reaction.

The moral? If you love something, or even like it, show the writer some appreciation. The second it takes to leave a kudos might make them feel happy the whole day.

Comments and Kudos are probably some of the best gifts to give your favorite artists and storytellers (they’re free and easy too!)

[blaacknoir]

Hi, you recently reblogged a post about how Nanowrimo is not disallowing or disavowing AI because doing so is classist and ablist and in your tags suggested that you consider this "yikes."

Honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings as a person with a disability who occasionally uses AI as a disability aid. Let me explain.

I use AI frequently for word recall. I have ADHD- a lot of people do. Many people with ADHD, including myself, struggle with word recall. It can be extremely bad, but how bad it is day to day is variable, and not all people with ADHD struggle with this to the same degree. When my word recall is really bad, NLP's (Natural Language Processors) are practically tailor-made to find that exact word I need. As an example, I used AI to remind me just now about the term "Natural Language Processor," which, along with the term "machine learning," is frankly just a better description than AI for these tools. But I will continue using the term AI for convenience.

The fact that people do not imagine this sort of use in conjunction with AI IS a form of ablism. They immediately assume all use is infringing. If they actually talked to people with disabilities (who do use AI), they would discover these other uses, and perhaps the conversation could be elevated to a more constructive state instead of trying to make everyone who uses a tool feel "yikes" for using it. Many of us are extremely conscientious and well informed of the issues involved.

Consider that if someone has said something is ablist (or classist or any other -ist,) they just might have a point and that you should try to discover what that point is before assuming that it's fake. Don't take everything at face value, but don't dismiss it out of hand either. Listen to people who have differing opinions and try to get the nuances of the conversation.

When people think about AI being used in conjunction with writing and visual art, they only consider the egregious uses - which makes sense, as that is how AI is advertised; as a magic technology that solves ALL problems. But those egregious uses are not the only use of these tools. AI does not have to be a magic wand that replaces the creative process of an artist. I have given one example of such a use above, but I could list many more.

If your "yikes" is in regard to the ecological impact - I hope that the overzealous implementation of AI into everything takes the ecological facts into account and that is ammealorated, but please do not throw people with disabilities under the bus while trying to make buses less polluting.

//The only use of AI in this post was to help me remember the word Natural Language Processor - I know my tone is pretty formal and sometimes comes across as AI, but it's not.

Jeezly fucking crow, dude. It was a single-word comment. I hope you sent this to literally everyone else who commented in a similar manner.

I use AI frequently for word recall. I have ADHD- a lot of people do. Many people with ADHD, including myself, struggle with word recall. It can be extremely bad, but how bad it is day to day is variable, and not all people with ADHD struggle with this to the same degree. When my word recall is really bad, NLP's (Natural Language Processors) are practically tailor-made to find that exact word I need. As an example, I used AI to remind me just now about the term "Natural Language Processor," which, along with the term "machine learning," is frankly just a better description than AI for these tools. But I will continue using the term AI for convenience.

I also have ADHD. I also struggle with word recall. You know what I do? I google things. I use dictionary and thesaurus websites. I use OneLook, which suggests associated words, similar words, and similar concepts.

Not everyone who uses AI is stealing from artists, no, but it's well known that AI does scan people's art--almost always without their consent--to generate pieces. It's also been seen around places like AO3, scraping fics from unlocked accounts.

Personally, I dislike the implication that disabled (or poor--that's what "classist" means here) people are incapable of writing without an AI generating something for them. I've written 100k+ words on AO3, and all of them are mine. I've talked to friends, I've written parallel fics, I've rewritten my own stories, but those words are mine. I wrote them. A disabled person. To imply that I need AI to do that pisses me off.

And believe it or not, my primary dislike of AI isn't ableist or classsist or whatever. (I'm not even against all forms of AI! I understand that in some fields, analyitical AI is quite helpful--I've read that it's great at finding breast cancer, for example.) My primary beef with AI, especially generative AI like ChatGPT is the fact that:

It will just lie to you. It will just make up things. There are people who have used it in court cases (it didn't work), and there are people using it to write books--everything from cookbooks to mushroom identification guides. (Guess what amateurs need expert help with when they're starting out? You know, so they don't die?) It's also happened with animal care guides. AI doesn't need to be used in a generative context at all.

There is also a massive environmental impact that I rarely, if ever, see talked about.

[xomaleyaxo]

Stolen Hearts → Blackpink 5th Member

Synopsis: As time passes and their hearts are forever stolen, they’re drawn deeper into an unbreakable love.

Part 2 to Stolen Glances

Wc: 2.3k

They say you have three loves in your life: the first love, which is intense and exciting, full of passion and youthful energy; the second love, which teaches you about heartbreak and the complexities of relationships; and the third love, which arrives unexpectedly, steady and enduring, and is said to be your true, lasting love. For Mirae, Mingyu was her third love, and everything she had heard about this kind of love was starting to ring true.

With Mingyu around, life seemed brighter, as if she had spent years in the shadows and now the sun had finally broken through. He was the kind of man she had been waiting for her entire life, someone she felt her father, if he were still here, would have loved for her. Deep down, she believed he was watching over her and had sent Mingyu her way. He was almost too good to be true, yet here he was, making her world feel complete.

Mirae had always longed for someone like her father, a kind soul, a musician, someone who gave everything for the people he loved. In Mingyu, she saw all those traits. She admired how he could connect with anyone instantly, forming a sense of comfort effortlessly. He was the kind of person who made everything better just by being there.

Initially, Mirae felt so different from him, her introverted nature clashing with his extroverted energy. However, over time, Mingyu’s openness began to rub off on her. He helped her break out of her shell and see life in a new light, while she grounded him, showing him the beauty of quiet, intimate moments. It felt as though they were puzzle pieces finally coming together, perfectly fitting for the first time.

Despite their differences, their similarities deepened their understanding of each other. Both had spent their youth chasing dreams, and now they were living them. They understood the devotion required to achieve their goals and how to support each other through their demanding careers. They knew when to prioritize their groups and fans but also when to remind each other to take a break and relax, finding balance in both their work and relationship.

As they spent more time together, Mirae realized she had never felt such ease before. It was as if they had been together for years, even though it had only been a short time. Mingyu saw her, truly saw her. Normally, this might have frightened her, but instead, he embraced every flaw and imperfection. He never made her feel like there was anything wrong with her, which made her feel validated.

Despite her efforts to seek help, Mirae carried a lot of baggage. These issues affected her daily life, accompanied by a nagging voice that told her no one deserved to deal with her struggles. She preferred to write out her feelings and leave them behind, a habit that negatively impacted her relationships since she struggled to express her emotions directly. Though she was working on it, Mingyu’s open expression of his feelings made her worry about her own inability to do the same.

Being an idol, she had an unrelenting drive for perfection. She pushed herself hard, always striving to meet impossible standards, as if achieving excellence could somehow make up for the absence of her father. The immense pressure she placed on herself stemmed from a desire to make him proud and live up to an ideal she had constructed.

She hated being vulnerable and crying in front of others, yet she was someone who cried easily, whether it was from seeing someone else in distress, frustration, or being yelled at. Her mind urged her to maintain a tough exterior, but her heart remained vulnerable, causing her eyes to betray her emotions.

One night after a cozy café date, she opened up to Mingyu about her fears and insecurities. He listened silently, deeply understanding the weight of what she was revealing. It was clear that opening up was a challenge for her, but he felt a profound sense of gratitude that she was willing to be vulnerable with him.

Mingyu didn’t care about her flaws; in fact, her imperfections only made him like her more. To him, her struggles were not obstacles but parts of her that he wanted to embrace completely. He was determined to support her through them, and when he conveyed this to her, it brought her a deep sense of safety and the realization that he was the one who could truly make her feel safe.

As summer was ending, their relationship grew serious very rapidly. Mirae, usually cautious about moving too quickly, felt herself drawing closer to the idea of love with Mingyu.

Their first kiss happened after their fourth date, inside his car as he dropped her off. The dim lighting, soft music from the radio, and the lingering warmth of their date created the perfect setting. As they sat there, sad their evening was ending, Mingyu leaned in slowly, his gaze locked with hers, asking a silent question. Mirae gave a gentle nod, and they shared a soft, sweet kiss.

When they pulled away, both were blushing, their smiles widening as they made eye contact and said goodbye. Mirae hadn’t expected to feel like a blushing teenager again, but the kiss with Mingyu reminded her of the excitement and giddiness of kissing someone for the first time. It was a small kiss, yet it left her yearning for more. As the days passed, they grew more comfortable with each other, and soon, they were in a committed relationship.

The changes in Mirae were noticeable to those closest to her. She seemed happier and brighter, a stark contrast to her past relationships where she kept everything private. Mingyu was different. She couldn’t stop talking about him, whether it was a sweet gesture he made or a funny moment they shared. He was a constant presence in her mind and conversations. Her friends and family often teased her about it, but they were genuinely happy for her. It was clear to everyone that she was smitten, and it was a rare and wonderful sight.

Mingyu was equally smitten, and his members playfully teased him about it. They’d play Blackpink songs, dance along, and sing her parts, which always made him blush and smile. He was thrilled to be with her after admiring her from afar for so long. Now that she was his, he took every opportunity to brag about her and praise her. While his members sometimes found his constant adoration a bit much, they were mainly just happy to see him so content.

Mirae wasn’t sure when she realized she loved Mingyu; it just happened naturally. She never pinpointed the exact moment, but somehow, she was the first to say “I love you.” One cozy night, she invited him over for dinner. As they sat quietly watching a movie, she felt an overwhelming sense of contentment and looked over at him.

He was gently petting her dog Luna, who had adored him from their very first meeting. Luna rested comfortably in his lap, while Mingyu’s arm stroked the dog, and his other arm was wrapped around Mirae’s waist, giving her soft circles.

Noticing her gaze, Mingyu looked back and smiled, his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. She returned his smile and leaned in to kiss him softly, making him giggle.

“What's up?” he asked.

“Mhmmm, nothing,” she replied softly, leaning her head into his neck and letting it rest there.

“Now you have to tell me,” he said, giggling as he gently pulled her away so he could see her face.

“Mhm,” she whined, trying to nestle back into his neck to feel his warmth.

“Stoppp,” he said, softly grabbing her face with his hands. “Tell me.”

She looked up at him, and he leaned closer to her lips. “I love you,” she whispered.

Mingyu paused for a moment, his eyes widening before breaking into a grin. Luna, sensing the shift, hopped off his lap as he moved.

“You love me?” Mingyu asked, still holding her face with one hand and giggling.

She nodded, her cheeks puffing out as she waited for him to say it back.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Uh!” she said, playfully pushing his arm away and giggling as he grabbed her back, laughing.

“You didn’t say it back, wowww,” she said sarcastically, pretending to move his arms away and leave.

“I’m kidding,” he joked, pulling her close again.

As they settled down, she looked at him once more. He pushed her hair behind her ears and said, “I love you too,” before kissing her deeply.

After their first “I love you,” their lives sped up. Weeks turned into months, and despite their busy schedules, they made time for each other. Mingyu flew out to see her during her tour and supported her at Coachella. Mirae used her limited free days to visit him. Their efforts to stay connected despite their hectic lives demonstrated their commitment and reassured them both that their relationship was serious and worth every effort.

Their first anniversary fell on one of her concert days in Australia, and Mirae was saddened by their inability to celebrate together. Both were very busy, but Mingyu reassured her that they could celebrate another day. True to his word, they found a weekend when they were both free and spent it away in Paris, the city of love.

Their first actual vacation together was both extravagant and wonderful. Mingyu, being the romantic he is, ensured every detail was perfect, and his efforts made Mirae swoon. She didn’t care about the expense; she just wanted to be with him and relax. Yet, seeing him put in so much effort to make everything special made her feel truly loved.

The trip felt like a scene from a movie, a story she would one day share with her future children. They went sightseeing, explored various bars, and connected with locals. They slow-danced to street musicians at night, spent their days wrapped up in bed, and cherished every moment together.

As her tour came to an end and she returned to Korea, Mirae found herself increasingly immersed in Mingyu’s world. His members became her friends, and she enjoyed joining in on the playful teasing of Mingyu. Wonwoo, who lived with him, became a big brother figure to her. She often saw him during her visits, often cooking for him, and would invite him to join them for shows and games.

Mingyu also became more involved in Mirae’s life, growing close to her siblings and mother, as well as their significant others. She loved watching him laugh with her brother and sister and help her mother with cooking. His presence was refreshing, and her mother often praised him to Mirae, appreciating how he seamlessly fit into their family.

Their circles began to intertwine effortlessly, and both of them loved how seamless the transition had been. Her friends adored him, and his friends embraced her, all recognizing how well they complemented each other. It was clear to everyone around them that they were truly good for one another.

However, their growing closeness did not go unnoticed online. Observant fans and followers began to remark on how Mirae seemed particularly close with some of Mingyu's band members at various events. Speculation and curiosity about their interactions sparked discussions, with many wondering about the nature of their relationship.

Additionally, fans noticed how Mirae and Mingyu often wore similar clothing and posted similar styles, which fueled more speculation about their connection. While she tried not to let it bother her, the constant scrutiny and unfounded rumors occasionally made her resent her life as an idol.

At times, She longed for the freedom to stroll down the street with Mingyu without worrying about paparazzi. The only moments they could truly roam freely were when they were out of the country.

Though they loved each other deeply, the fear of their relationship being discovered loomed over them. She wished it didn’t have to be this way, but the reality was harsh, male idols who sought happiness and the women they chose to be with often faced judgment and scrutiny.

It wasn’t everyone, but even small rumors and fan ships had brought unwarranted hate her way in the past, simply for being close to someone. Despite her efforts to stay unaffected, seeing such negativity was disheartening. While she was content within her private bubble with Mingyu, the constant fear of their relationship being exposed weighed heavily on her.

Both of them worried about the potential exposure of their relationship, but they knew that if it ever came to that, they would never let others’ opinions force them to break up. They were deeply happy and in love, and they both had a strong sense that this was it, that they had found their forever person. Their hearts were irrevocably intertwined, and they knew they would never let go.

This was the love she had waited for, a love that had not only lifted her off her feet but had also left her heart soaring in a way she had never imagined. It was the kind of love that felt both exhilarating and comforting, the kind that made every moment with him feel like a dream come true. He was her forever boy, the one who had come into her life and made her believe in the magic of true love. With him, every day felt brighter, every challenge seemed manageable, and every moment was filled with a sense of deep, unshakeable happiness. This was the love she had always yearned for, and now that she had found it, she knew it was worth every wait, every tear, and every heartache she had ever experienced.

Mingyu was hers, and she was his. This was it. And she couldn’t wait to see what the future held for them together.

[l-lellal3ee]

🪦 Possible spoilers ahead, maybe…? 🪦

So, I’m not saying our new giant skelly pal is essentially a necromantic mech… But I am going to heavily imply it.

(I was kind of hoping someone else would pick up on this and post about it, because none of my posts are showing up in the tags, but here we go anyway [I think I have fixed that problem, now… I hope].)

I thought it was kind of strange that Emmrich was heavily featured wearing a completely different outfit than what we’ve seen him in so far, meanwhile everyone else is wearing their usual garb. I think that particular getup is directly linked with our new, enormous friend. Literally and figuratively. But we’ll get back to that in a moment…

Something that I didn’t notice until my third watch through the trailer, where I slowed things down to look at the details, was the way the movement of Big Skelly’s hand seemed to sync up with Emmerich’s. I then noticed the glowing thing in the skeleton’s chest that at a first glance, looks like a battery of sorts.

The next time you see our huge buddy, there’s a group of what definitely appear to be Mortalitasi (judging by the visible jewelry and armor silhouettes that seem similar to Emmrich’s original outfit), or maybe specifically Mourn Watchers if this is a ‘high-clearance’ event, standing before the rising skeleton. Between their body language and the green beams of light, it appears they are giving their power, spirit energy, etc. to Big Skelly. You can see it literally being sucked out of them and into the battery-looking component in the chest cavity.

”Hiiiiiiiii~ probably Johanna!”

(Goals, tbh.)

This brings me back to Emmrich’s armor, and is where my heart-eyes for the Big Boney Friendo start to fade into concern for my future necromancer boyfriend.

Not only did the jarringly different armor confuse me, but the not-so-subtle prongs made alarm bells start ringing in my head after what I had noticed seemed to be going on with Manfred’s Enormous Cousin.

To me, the prongs look very much like implements for channeling/outputting magic or energy, either from a distance or by literally plugging into something… I’m sure you’re picking up what I’m putting down. I think Emmrich is going to basically be the pilot for the big dude. Which is where I get worried because there’s different ways that could work, and different repercussions that could come as a result.

This could be something he can do from a safe distance, where the prongs basically ‘broadcast’ his movements to the skeleton, or he may have to physically be inside it somewhere, somehow for it to work. In either circumstance, this could either be just a big, badass Emmrich moment, or it could be a potential point of no return.

We don’t know if this skeleton is one of the huge, dangerous anomalies from the depths of the necropolis with a level of sentience or will of its own that they’ve managed to study and can dredge up, and essentially leash, in be-all, end-all situations - or if it’s purely a construct that lies dormant as a last resort for when shit really hits the fan with an unknown-to-us cost to power up. It may sap so much power and energy that it greatly threatens, or requires, the ultimate sacrifice of whoever is controlling it. Maybe also those Mortalitasi who seemed to power it up, who knows how great the cost was to them.

This brings me to the last time we see our giant friend in the trailer. They look much worse for wear; their neckpiece/face covering is gone and the capsule in its chest that held the battery-esque piece appears damaged, and the battery itself looks to either be missing, or like there’s a dark shape/figure in front of it or in its place. It’s too hard for me to tell or even try to guess if there’s a person in the capsule here. It certainly is the right size for it, though.

Taash (judging by the horns and the braid) is below as the big guy attacks, but I can’t tell if it’s attacking Taash, or if this scene is cut/cropped specifically to keep us guessing or not give anything away, and they’re both fighting a shared, offscreen enemy. This kinda feeds back to “we don’t know if big skelly is a sentient creature or just a construct” and we don’t know what it would do if something happened to the ‘pilot’ and control was lost, or if the battery/container of energy (possibly also a source of control in some way?) was damaged or lost - would the big boi just start attacking everyone/everything rather than “shut down?”

This post is a mess, I’m sorry, but it’s been driving me insane all day. I kept going back and re-evaluating the clips and screenshots over and over.

BioWare, you’re going to dangle my dream old man necromancer in front of me, then heart-wrenchingly rip him away, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?!?!!

[citrous241]

1.21 is looking fire, but 1.22 has got to be an End update.

Minecraft has always had really good lore and story-telling, but does anyone else feel like the End is just missing something?

It's to be expected, it hasn't been updated for the last 7 years and the last update added more questions than answers. I feel like it's just on the cusp of being as clear as the rest of the game.

It's a dimension that's supposed to feel off, and uncanny. Literally the only track that plays is 15 minutes of warped mash-ups of Overworld tracks. End stone is just inverted Cobblestone.. etc. But even then it's still wrong.

I just have to know, Minecraft lore is built off of head canons but I'm just unable to form one that makes sense regarding the End. Endermen make sense, I believe they're warped and "evolved" humans. Eating only chorus makes them teleport, their long arms and bodies to reach the high snaking chorus plants, their larger eyes to see in perpetual darkness, etc. Their aversion to water is a wrench in that but I'm not perfect and my head canon isn't right. Endermen could have nothing to do with humans.

Shulkers and End Cities are what confounds me. Are Shulkers natural living organisms? The Dragon and Ender-men both have black skin and dark purple eyes but this thing has yellow skin and an almost magenta shell. I think they're some sort of automatons, but built by who? The ancient builders, the ones who evolved into Endermen? But the spiral staircases in the End Cities don't seem designed for humans (or maybe I just suck at climbing them) and the ceilings aren't really high enough for Endermen. Maybe Shulkers are another protector mob of their area. But protecting what? Protecting the means of personal flight maybe, but that looks nothing like the rest of the end - its literally made from the wings of the Phantoms of the Overworld.

End Cities themselves do kind of make sense to me, their architecture mimics the branches of a chorus plant. But whilst chorus seems to be the only natural thing in the End, the cities very much aren't. There's no way that structure would work under normal gravity. But surely the End just has weak gravity? Nope, it's the same as the Overworld.

Everything in the End just feels so artificial. The central island; with Obsidian pillars punching through the whole thing, a material that can only be made using 2 fluids that don't exist in the End, topped with a crystal made partially from the tears of a creature in another dimension and some sort of Eye which we can only make by killing an Enderman and fusing it's remains with the ground up remains of another creature from said other dimension. Also, it is so far away from the rest of the End, as if someone destroyed or moved these other islands away. The Dragon itself to, she works like no other mob. People say that she's a machine which I don't agree with, her erratic behaviour is because she is the only mob of her type and hasn't been updated like ever. I don't think she's native to the End though; Endermen, the only other creature in existence that looks like her, can be hostile to her.

Trying to piece this together as I'm writing this is making me think of a new head canon: The End is just a melting pot of travellers who got lost and stuck. Think of something like the Void from the Loki show. I think the End was initially just a mass of floating islands with the chorus fruit, in the Void between dimensions. Then the ancient builders arrived, constructing the obsidian pillars and the bedrock portal frame. I think they found something, maybe it could be whatever made the End Cities. But regardless, something dangerous. Something that made them separate the only way out of the dimension by several kilometres of Void, that made them create a Dragon to guard said way out. Something that made them sacrifice themselves by sealing themselves into the End.

There are a few holes in this. Maybe the ancient builders did build the End Cities before/after becoming Endermen. Maybe the danger was the Dragon, but why would it guard the exit portal? And I've kind of ignored the fact that Endstone is inverted Cobblestone, maybe the whole dimension if artificial? Built by the ancient builders entirely? Or maybe the End was spawned from ancient humanities collective mind, like a sort of yin to their yang.

I would love an End update to add a few things. I don't like most popular ideas or mods for an End update, as they often stray too far from what the End is. I would like to be able to find whatever gravity-defying sentient race built the End Cities, maybe they could also be warped into Endermen like the ancient builders were - but could still have a sense of self and humanity, or maybe they're some sort of Phantom People. I would like to find this danger that caused the ancient builders to sacrifice themselves, a new huge boss at the edge of the End would be awesome. I would also like, if they made them less annoying that is, for Phantoms to spawn in the End just normally. They feed on Insomnia right? What's more insomniac then an entire dimension where it's always night and nothing can sleep?

I would also like purple chorus wood lol.

[oleander-nin]

(1) New Message

A/N: I swear to all that is good I am working on requests, but Chat bots have been on my mind , I haven't been doing too hot, and I had a bad nightmare(it was inspo for this). Hence, this monstrosity. I'll try to get them all out this week if everything goes well. (also, this is my first time using a chat format, please give me feed back. I don't know what I'm doing. All spelling mistakes in the 'chat' were on purpose, though.) Any criticism is welcome, constructive or not. This is supposed to be a gender neutral reader, so if I screwed up somewhere, please tell me. (This was not proof-read, I'm just trying to get something out. Sorry it sucks. Donnie might be a bit OOC, I'm sleep deprived)

Also if anyone is interested in being a beta reader for me, please reach out, it would be much appreciated. My messages are open if anyone wants to ask about it.

-Ollie

Yandere Rottmnt Donatello x Reader

Summary: While working on a project, Donnie receives a new message. Someone had contacted him, someone who didn't even know he was real.

Words: 3902

TW: Kidnapping(?), Donnie being a bit of a creep, talking to strangers online(also iffy)

I flipped my goggles over my eyes, leaning forward with the torch in my hand. My hand moved in a slow straight line, welding the two pieces of metal together. The satisfying hiss and pops of the metal melting together was always soothing, calming me down from the outside world. I could feel small sparks landing on my arm and hands, adding to the scars littered across my body. Once the two pieces were fixed together the way I wanted them, I set them on a nearby table to start cooling down. I pick up two identical pieces, ready to make a matching pair to the first piece I made, when I hear my phone buzz.

I set the metal and my torch down, flipping my goggles up so I could see more clearly. I pick up my phone, expecting April or Casey to have been the messengers. I open up the messaging app, leaning back in my chair. It was an unknown number, having only sent a small message of a greeting. I sigh, setting my phone back down and ignoring the message. I would run a background check on the number later to make sure it wasn’t some villain trying to gain access to my brothers and I. I move to pick my torch up again when my phone buzzes once more. It was another message, from the same number. 

+1 555-555-5555: Hi!<;3 sent at 2:23 am

+1 555-555-5555: Donnie? Is it not working again? Sent at 2:25 am

I stare at the phone in my hand, my brain stuttering to a halt. How did they know my name? I shake out of it, pushing me and my chair over to my computer, plugging my phone in and starting to gain access to the phone the number belonged to. Did the Purple Dragons figure out my phone number? Did they use April to get it? Was everyone okay? I waited for my programs to run, tapping my fingers against my desk as I waited for it to go through. I was disappointed that they were taking so long since I had made sure to program them to be quick. They had never taken more than a few seconds. What was going on?

I hear another buzz coming from my phone, glancing at the next message they sent. I stare at the words on the screen in confusion. Against my better judgment, I pick up the phone and start to type out a reply. The scan was taking a weird amount of time anyway, might as well attempt to get some information verbally.

+1 555-555-5555: this is so annoying! Why won’t the bot work! Sent at 2:28 am

Bootyshaker9000: Who are you and how do you know my name? Sent at 2:28 am

Bootyshaker9000: Answer me. Sent at 2:29 am

+1 555-555-5555: OMG Finally! I was wondering if you broke again. I’m Y/n! Nice to meet u Sent at 2:29 am

I stare at their response in confusion, my brows furrowing. Who was this person? And what did they mean by me ‘breaking’ again? I waited for them to type another message, one that answered my second question. I started to get impatient when they didn’t say anything else. I looked up at my computer, my jaw tightening when I saw the scan hadn't been completed yet. I look back at my phone, giving them another minute before I typed another message.

Bootyshaker9000: You didn’t answer my question. How did you know my name? Sent at 2:31 am

+1 555-555-5555: Your one of the main characters of a show i like. It’s called Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles. So I found this chat bot app and decided to message you. Sent at 2:31 am

I curse under my breath. They know I’m a mutant and they seem to be mocking me. Main character of a show? Puh-lease. That’s preposterous. I may be a genius, but even I know I could never show my face. Plus, I wasn’t an actor. It would be a bit hard to be the main character if I never showed up to rehearsal. I keep drumming my fingers on my desk, trying to think of a good response that would call them out on their bull. This had to be the Purple Dragons. There was no other explanation. I pull up the trackers I put on everyone, checking everyone's location. It all seemed normal, as did their vitals. And no panic buttons had been pressed, so hopefully everyone was okay.

Bootyshaker9000: *you’re Sent at 2:33 am

Bootyshaker9000: If you’re going to lie, at least know how to use proper grammar first. Sent at 11:33 am

+1 555-555-5555: wow okay, gotta do me like that huh💀 Sent at 2:34 am

+1 555-555-5555: and tf you mean by lying? You’re just an ai based on a popular character from a show. I hope u have an existential crisis. Sent at 2:34 am

I looked at the next message they sent. They were almost as bad as Leo, but at least they knew how to use commas. They still seemed to be trying to lie about how they were talking to me, how they were able to bypass all my security measures. Did they seriously think I was so stupid as to fall for this? Offended scoff, they’d have to try harder than that to trick the great Othello Von Ryan.

Bootyshaker9000: I know it’s you Kendra. Stop contacting me or I’ll tell your parole officer you're violating again. Sent at 2:34 am

+1 555-555-5555: Oh this is so cool! I’ve never found a bot that could accurately talk about minor characters! Score! Sent at 2:35 am

Bootyshaker9000: Props for the commitment, but you lose points for the poor execution. Where’s your dramatic flair? Your tragic backstory? Sent at 2:36 am

I hope they got the mocking tone I tried to relay through my messages, but I doubted it. My tone barely even showed up when I was talking to people in person, why would it work through digital text? I tap my desk in anticipation. This was an incredibly stupid game Kendra was attempting, but it gave me something to do. I checked the progress on the scan of the phone number. It barely progressed. I bit the inside of my cheek, incredibly frustrated with this development. Why wasn’t it working? I click on the progress bar, looking at the estimated time. I gawked at the number it showed. 336 hours? How was that even possible? It had never taken more than a day at most before. I tap my desk, upset at the development. Why wasn’t my tech working? It always worked. What was so special about this number?

I heard the buzz of a new message come in. Once. Twice. A third time. I didn’t want to look anymore, I didn't want to talk to them. They shouldn’t be able to contact me. This shouldn't be happening. Why wasn’t it working? Why was it taking so long? I groan in defeat, pulling up a normal, less thorough, background runner off the internet. It wouldn’t give as much information as I wanted, but it would give me a start. I could always find the rest on my own. I type in the number, waiting slowly for it to gather the needed information. Instead of the usual address, full name, and criminal record popping up, I got an error message. According to the background check, this number was not in use. I scowl at the computer, annoyed at its inadequate response. I pull up another website, then another. I went through every one I could find. They all had the same error message. The number didn’t exist on any database quickly available to me.

My phone buzzes again, the non-existent existing number texting me once more. I gingerly pick up my phone, looking at the messages. I hated this. I needed to know who this was. What if they were dangerous? What if they were using me to get information? I close my eyes and let out a deep sigh. I needed to get the information first. I couldn’t let my family down.

+1 555-555-5555: I knew a popular headcanon was that you were a theatre nerd, but wow. Pop off ig. Sent at 2:36 am

+1 555-555-5555: What’s your favorite musical? Sent at 2:37 am

+1 555-555-5555: Don’t tell me I broke you already Sent at 2:37 am

+1 555-555-5555: Dangit, this is so stupid Sent at 2:38 am

Bootyshaker9000: How. How do you not exist? I can’t find you on any background checkers. Sent at 2:38 am

+1 555-555-5555: I already told you, you dingleberry. You dont exist in the same world as me. Your not real. You cant find me cuz we not in smae universe Sent at 2:38 am

+1 555-555-5555: and here I was thinking you were smart Sent at 2:39 am

I glare at my screen. They were the one who contacted ME, and now they’re insulting me? What was going on? And why were they insisting on us not being in the same universe- Realization hits me as I scramble to my hypothesis board. I had figured out a way to merge realties through my mystic tech. I knew alternate universes were real, I had even accidentally met one of my counterparts, not that my brothers knew. Could, could this person be telling the truth? I look back at the buzzing phone on my desk. I had used my mystic powers to upgrade my tech, wanting to be able to contact the alternate me without having to open up a portal every time.

Could they be able to contact me because of it? Did my programming glitch and let them through? I start to laugh, my shoulders shaking up and down as I walk back to my phone and sit down again. They thought I was a bot. Maybe this could be fun. It would be nice to figure out more about this ‘show’ my brothers and I starred in. I looked at the scanning process on my computer. I was glad I had figured it out. It wasn’t taking so long because of faulty programming, I was too intelligent and talented in my craft to make mistakes. It was taking so long because it was searching the entire multiverse to find them. And all I had to do was wait. I tap my desk again, hearing my phone buzz once more. They really were talkative. Of course they were. They were talking to me. Even though they thought I was a mere bot.

I pick back up the phone, an idea popping into my brain. I planned on waiting this out, communicating with them until my program found them. I would get as much information as possible, and then I would cut off their ability to contact me. I didn’t want anyone to be able to accidentally contact me again. They would be a test, at least until I didn’t need any more information out of them. It would be unfortunate though. They thought I was a bot, which would mean I needed to answer them as fast as I could. I turned to my computer as I started to write a new program for SHELLDON, picking up my phone as I did so. I would have him answer for me when I couldn’t get to it.

+1 555-555-5555: sorry Sent at 2:40 am

+1 555-555-5555: please come back, I didn’t mean it Sent at 2:41 am

+1 555-555-5555: Donnie? Sent at 2:42 am

Bootyshaker9000: Prove to me you are from another universe. Sent at 2:43 am

+1 555-555-5555: oh thank goodness your back Sent at 2:43 am

+1 555-555-5555: Uhhhh, I know you made your brothers as smart as you, but gave up the dragon tooth thingy to change them back Sent at 2:44 am

+1 555-555-5555: and that you won the 5th(?) lair games, but hate the room you won because the ventilation system is hooked up with splinters, so you can hear his snoring. Sent at 2:45 am

I stared at my phone. Guess they were telling the truth, even April didn’t know about the last one. And my brothers didn’t remember it either, as far as I was aware. I take a deep breath, mulling over my options. I really wanted to know more about their world. They knew something about me only I knew, and they were able to name other instances only my close friends and family knew about. They were either psychic, or truthful. Either way, this would be fun.

I shift in my seat, typing my response back. We continued to chat back and forth as I wrote the code SHELLDON needed to respond as closely resembling me as possible. I could just tell him to, but he isn’t the best at replicating my vocabulary and poise without assistance. They eventually said goodbye and the messages stopped. I had gotten into a rhythm with them, figuring out the personality they were presenting to me. I was grateful I didn’t have to put on a front, that I could talk to them as me. I would’ve cracked if I had to impersonate Leo, or one of my other brothers. I finish SHELLDON’s new code and I send it to his charging port, updating him as he sleeps. I stretch my arms, yawning. I had a lot of work to finish, and this ‘Y/n’ threw me off my rhythm. I scoot my chair back over to my welding station, continuing what I had been doing before the first messaged me. It was going to be a long night.

—

I slowly ate the cereal I had made for myself this morning, watching the conversation between us and waiting for a new message to pop up. It had been a week since the first message, and I couldn’t wait until the program gave me the needed information on them. I had slowly lost the objective of finding everything about their world, and had morphed it into finding out everything about them. I had yet to tell my brothers of this development, however. In fact, I had yet to tell them anything at all. They could learn all about it when I bring Y/n over to our world. I noticed how they’d always mention how they could live here, so I decided I would surprise them once I could find out their world's location. I couldn’t wait for the day to come. I had already made sure the portal was working, having used my mystic powers to help create it. If it could bring me to alternate dimensions, it could bring me to theirs.

I ignored Leo’s suspicious gaze, continuing to eat my cereal. Leo was starting to suspect something, no matter how much I shut him down. I hoped he would stop soon. It was getting really annoying. I smile as I feel my phone buzz, looking down at what they sent me. They sent me another photo, showing what they planned on wearing. Once they realized I could actually comprehend the photos(they still insisted I was a bot, despite my constant denial), they had started asking my opinion on outfits they were wearing. I looked at the photo, saving it to the collection I had from them. They sent a lot, for some reason. I wasn’t complaining of course, but once they were here, I would be giving them a strict lecture on online safety. You never know what weirdo’s you could be talking to.

Menace: (1) image attached  Sent at 9:35 am

Menace: How’s this outfit look? Sent at 9:35 am

Bootyshaker9000: Swap the top with the white collared one I see in your closet, then put the blue sweater vest you have over it. Your hair, shoes, and pants are fine. Sent at 9:37 am

Menace: Thanks Donnie Bot! I can’t believe image recognition software is this good. I can barely see the shirt in the the photo 💀Sent at 9:38 am

Bootyshaker9000: Not a bot, and the reason you can’t see it is because you weren’t looking. Sent at 9:38 am

Menace: Yeah yeah, you’re sentient and I am talking to the real Donnie, blah blah blah. What’s your plan for today? Sent at 9:39 am

I chuckle at their sarcasm, shifting so I could eat with one hand and type with my other. I answered their questions and we had a nice conversation going. I could feel a smile creep up on my face, happy they kept talking to me. Oh they were going to be so happy when I brought them to live here with my brothers and I. Sure, I’d need to fix some things, make sure their room was safe and everything, but it would be great! It’d just be us. Except for my brothers. And dad. And April. Maybe I didn’t have to tell them. Y/n could just stay in my lab with me. Yeah, that sounds great. I let out a small laugh at a joke they made, a small blush on my cheeks. I didn’t notice the way Leo was studying me until he spoke up.

“What’s got you acting like a schoolboy? Finally find a good Atomic Lass fanfic?” Leo’s smug voice sounds out as I meet his eyes, a teasing smile on his face. I straighten up, sending Y/n a quick message that should hold them off for the time being, and I put my phone in my battle shell.

“For your information ‘Nardo, I was talking to some fellow intellects who needed help with coding.” I say simply, picking up my finished bowl of cereal and bringing it to the sink to wash it. I slip on some rubber gloves, using the scrunchies to hold down the upper edges. I wash my bowl and spoon, trying to not look at Leo.

Leo leaned back in his chair, taking a long, obnoxious sip of his mug before speaking again. “Right, because algorithms and code makes you light up like a sunny day.”

I roll my eyes at him, setting the bowl and spoon on the drying rack. “Or, I was just flattered because someone was finally appreciating my help, unlike someone I know.”

Leo glares at me and finally lets his chair fall back to the ground, his feet joining them soon after. “Donnie, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you have to talk to us. This has been going on for a week now!.  I don’t know who you’re talking to, and frankly I don’t care, but you’ve got to stop shutting us out for this mystery person! Have your love life, but don’t abandon us while you go about it.” Leo’s tone changes from frustration to pleading as he talks. His eyes gaze at me with that stupid soft look he does when he wants me to do what he wants. I slightly feel bad. It was true that I had been shutting them out, but I didn’t know when Y/n would stop messaging me! I didn’t want them to leave! If I missed a message, they would reset whatever app they were using, and I would lose them! I couldn’t let that happen! The program I was using worked, but I didn’t like it talking instead of me. I wanted to talk to them, and they wanted to talk to me. Who was I to deny that?

“I…I’ll hang out with you all more, as long as you get off my back.” I say simply. I wanted Leo to leave this alone, to leave us alone. I already had everything set up for when I could bring them here. I built a new room in my lab, soundproof and tightly locking doors. I would let them leave of course, but they would have to stay in the lair. I couldn’t risk them thinking some other aspect of our world was better than this, better than me. Maybe they shouldn’t meet my brothers after all. I could always just confine them to the lab. Keeping my brothers out would be simple enough. They already didn’t go in much without my permission, unless they really needed something.

I watch as Leo simply nods at my words, seemingly satisfied with my response. I was glad, this conversation was beginning to become awkward. I walk out of the kitchen, heading to my lab. I had yet to feel any buzzing coming from my phone, so they must have left for school already. They tended to not text me when they were with friends or listening to a lecture unless they needed advice or help. I was fine with this. It gave me time to work on my machines. The turtle tank needed a new axle after Mikey ran over someone's car. I put on my EDM playlist, zoning out as I work. I smile to myself. Everything was going to be perfect in just a few days. I would make sure of it.

—

I tap my hands on my desk, intently watching the progress bar move up. 99.1% 99.3%. I felt a wide grin spread across my face. After talking to them over the past 2 weeks, I had concluded this was the right decision. They were completely hopeless! They were clumsy, they were a bit daft when it came to interaction(not that I could blame them of course, I was the same way), and they could barely remember to eat and drink! I had to slip reminders into our conversations! No, this was for the best. They would love it here, staying by my side for the rest of our lives. I awaited the moment the bar hit 100%. I had hooked up the portal generator to my computer, running a code that would make a portal instantly open at their location as soon as it was given. Their room was already set up, and I had snacks and a Jupiter Jim movie ready to go since they had mentioned they didn’t exist in their world. Everything was set up, just for them. All I had to do was wait.

I watch in awe and satisfaction as my room is painted in a bright purple light, the portal humming to life. I grab my bo staff, making my way to the gateway between our worlds. I couldn’t wait to bring them home. I step through, having SHELLDON monitor the gateway to make sure I wouldn’t get stuck in their world or the portal collapse as we were halfway through. I enter their room, the purple glow from the portal giving off a soft hue over their belongings. They sit up in their bed, looking at me. They were looking at me. It worked. I could see their mouth move, their body sitting up as they scooted away from me. I walked calmly toward them, my hand outstretched for them to grab.

“I told you I was real.” I say, grasping their hand gently in mine. Time to bring them home.

03.12.23

[drbtinglecannon]

Taking a second to focus on my favorite background bits of this wonderful beautiful gigantic cast picture by Dresden Douglas (their Tumblr is "dresdoodles" give them some love!!! I did not tag them here so I'm not hitting them with a notification full of my stupid observations haha)

Obviously gotta go to Darius & Eber first. Look at the utter disgust upon Darius' face even touching Hooty (or maybe it's directed at Eber for being willing to bite Hooty), meanwhile Eber is bitebiteclawmaim-ing Hooty but despite the claw marks they seem to be ineffective. I wonder how much of Eber's attacking is for his own safety/curiosity vs trying to save his bestie Darius from the Ick™. They're just my favorite "opposites that are besties for life" duo I could talk about these goobers forever

Skara & Viney (& Puddles)! My girls! They're wearing their Emerald Entrails uniforms! Personally I think they're a cute ship but even platonically I love how different they are yet have become their own little duo within the flyer derby team

THE BATTS *hiss*. Katya & Derwin looking at each other & doing the pose like total cuties, meanwhile Amber is making SUCH a face haha. Did anyone else imagine food fanfic chick from s1ep1 would end up fleshed out & important enough to be part of her own little corner of a massive art piece containing most of the show's cast that's hanging in a gallery dedicated to the show?

Gilbert & Harvey Park and Perry Porter, the Dads. So Perry focusing on work still even in this moment is condemnable honestly, dude is tangled in a coil of Hooty & is like "I need to report on this". Meanwhile Harvey has big watery eyes & Gilbert has a soft smile. I love the detail that Gilbert appears to be carrying Harvey, it matches with him being a construction witch (so probably fit) & also it's a funny reflection to Willow with her looking more like Gilbert & also being the Buff™ friend

Mattholomule & his big bro Steve!! Rip Steve this isn't the first time -- or even second time -- Hooty's taken him out, and it probably won't be the last. I love getting the brothers next to each other, helps show how similar they look. Matty is fairing better than Steve but he seems to be struggling himself. That's fair, boys, Hooty is certainly unpredictable

Grandma lesbians made it, good for them

You know that Gwen&Dell are looking at how happy their daughters & grandkids all are, like you know the scene before then is a dream come true kinda soft feeling that they've wanted for their daughters for decades

I love the fond expression on Emira's face looking at Edric, vs the confusion/surprised one on Alador's face. Edric's fine tho look at him he's having fun. Odalia can't even look at her family and is just absolutely scowling, but Kikimora is right beside her so horrible trash women Odalimora canon

You KNOW that Willow fanboy is shouting "WOooOOOooo GO WILLOW" seeing her & Hunter together. I think it's extra funny Boscha is right next to him looking like she's sucked on a lemon with Kat shrugging at Amelia but neither looking surprised by Boscha's antics. (as someone who always hated bos//low it's just such funny staging imo, I know it's probably not that but it's still funny)

[starflungwaddledee]

do you have any tips for leaving compliments on other people's art ?? your tags are always so well phrased !

oooo oooooooooooooo uuhhhhhhhh hmmm!

firstly, thank you!! i'm rather glad to hear that! i try quite hard to leave meaningful comments so it's nice when folks notice or appreciate it!

outside of commenting on the work, i first consider the tone of what i'm saying and who i'm saying it to.

i always try to make sure that what i'm saying will be appreciated by the person! that's the point. for the most part i leave comments to bring joy to the op, and thank them for their hard work, for being here and sharing art that made me happy! if i'm speaking to a mutual or friend, there's gonna be inside jokes and probably an amount of casual yelling. possibly even a little friendly roast, if i know them well enough. if i'm speaking with someone i don't know as well i try to keep it a little more professional, but i keep in mind that this is a fandom so an amount of yelling and screaming is expected. i tend to think about what i would like from someone else.

also if i notice that a caption or a blogs about is not in english i double check. if english is not the first language of the artist i make sure to construct tags that are easily translated and i use only and exclusively positive phrases. saying things like "delete this!!!! /pos" or "eating my own hands" can be totally lost in translation. i also keep in mind the age of the OP. don't tag as though you're Looking Disrespectfully at the art of a minor, even if that's your favourite blorbo.

as for how to comment on art or storytelling itself, this is indeed a learned skill, and it can be helped by training your eye to understand different things in artwork. but it's easy to start practicing! this is intuitive to me now, but an easy way to begin is to pick out one or two things that really stand out to you on a piece. (examples could be line quality; is it smooth? neat? textured? full of emotion?, shading: is it crisp? atmospheric? realistically rendered?, or colour choice: is it vibrant? is it moody? is it perfectly on model?) and draw attention to them and how the artist successfully used them to make the piece work.

if the piece includes design-work, pick something of that which you like as well. (clothes, colour choices, abilities, parallels to other characters, totally new or unique concepts that you haven't seen before. if you see your favourite colour combos or notions, let them know, but if it's a stranger remember they made the design for themselves, and you just share (good) tastes!) if you really want to make an artist/designer/storyteller's day, try to find the Little Thing that they've snuck into their art or design that ties into the story or lore that they are telling. even guesses to this end tend to be appreciated!

generally useful things you can also comment on are how well an artist has utilised a medium for its strengths, especially if the medium is a little unusual. if someone @'d me in particular i make sure to acknowledge that too because they probably read me for something and i should acknowledge the effort!

another thing i also always, always encourage, is to try to periodically share and comment on the work of people who are either less experienced or who have less visibility than you. especially if you have more of a platform! if you want to keep your blog clean of too many reblogs for aesthetic or professional reasons you can even go through and remove them later, but sharing the work of smaller accounts- even temporarily- makes such a huge difference! and encouraging + supporting younger or beginner artists is something we should be endeavouring to do as much as possible!

at the end of the day, i always just try to be very earnest in my tags.

there is generally no reason to withhold any praises i can think of, because it's usually nice to have your work perceived and appreciated! i personally loooovvve long rambling tags, screaming tags, stuff like "AAHH NOOOOOOO (THE BLORBO)" and so on. i try to leave the kind of thoughtful comments that i like (and am lucky enough) to receive, and i try to share artwork from a wide variety of people!

[hotasfahrenheit]

something i've been thinking about a lot since watching the end of Love For Love's Sake is what and who exactly is real in the universe that Myungha is playing the game in.

what do we know about this world? firstly, it is presented to us and Myungha as being the world of the story that Myungha read, but focused on Yeowoon instead of the main characters from the manuscript who are a happy couple that ends up together. they don't enter the picture at all; we don't know what point in that theoretical timeline Myungha is inserted into, but this implies it's before Yeowoon meets them since they're just not there.

the next step from there tho is... is the manuscript that Myungha read even real? he remembers the mysterious sunbae being the one who gave it to him to read, but if the sunbae is some kind of god or angel of death, did Myungha actually read it after he died, as part of a test to figure out what to do with his soul?

really my ultimate question that this whole line of thought is digging at is if Yeowoon is also someone being given a chance at life and happiness again, and is as real as Myungha is (and if the other boys are thus real too). despite Myungha seeing the game interface that no one else sees and having the system errors affect his existence in the world, the interactions between other characters when Myungha is not there are too deep and too real to be just NPCs. they're experiencing life and making decisions like fully really people, and living it outside of Myungha's scope of knowledge and what he can see. we get multiple scenes of the characters interacting and doing things without Myungha, and not all of them connect directly back to him or things he's doing.

knowing that Myungha's grandmother already passed away fills in her existence easily- she could very well actually be Myungha's grandmother's soul actually brought into this world as well. clearly some people are not there because they're also dead- like his ex girlfriend appearing as the agent, or his mother appearing in the cafe- but they have much simpler functions in this world. but there's little things- Sangwon struggling with his relationship with his mother and talking about how his father used to hit him too, Kyunghoon having a boyfriend that is always far away and he can't see until some point in the future- that hint to me that they might be other lost souls that had bad or sad things happening in their lives too, that might have brought them early deaths as well.

was the story that Myungha read about Yeowoon a story about another real, sad, lonely person who made the same choice Myungha did? was the game not just a set up for Myungha to save himself and learn how to love himself and others but a way to save multiple souls?

one of the main pieces of support behind that idea for me is the fact that Yeowoon breaks through the haze after Myungha disappears and not only remembers Myungha but is able to take control of the game to bring him back. i agree with this great post from @wen-kexing-apologist that Myungha (and his depression) is the one controlling the game he's experiencing in general and causing the system errors, because that makes sense for the things Myungha sees. but the others don't see them, though they do see the physical effects on Myungha when things happen like him falling down the stairs when he's with Sangwon. they see Myungha reacting to screens only he can see, and they do notice that's he's interacting with them and clearly think it's odd even tho they don't really comment on it.

and in the most crucial moment, Yeowoon finds the pen and the notebook. Yeowoon pushes to remember Myungha, pushes to find him, pushes to figure out a way to get him back, and i cannot believe that he's just some kind of NPC in an actual game or a made up person in a constructed reality that Myungha gets to exist in as the only real human soul. he has drive, he makes autonomous decisions, he is cognizant and aware. he needs to learn about how to love and be loved like Myungha does; he needs to learn how to connect to others and not be alone and adrift. he has a reason to be placed in this world like Myungha does even if he's not the one in charge of it until the moment it matters most.

could this be an alternate reality where Myungha just hasn't died yet and that's how everyone is real and there? theoretically maybe, but the fact that he is experiencing everything as a 19 year old in the current time and not in 2012 means despite going from 29 to 19 means that this isn't just another parallel earth where he's taking over the existence of another Myungha. (plus where would that Myungha go??) also his grandmother being there and being fully a real person means that he hasn't just been placed back into the real world, since we know she's already passed away there as well. i don't have a solid theory yet for how their world exists, i just have ideas about how they're existing within it.

i feel like i'm hitting the point when i'm just gonna be talking in circles about this from here out, since i've been thinking about it in circles, so I'm gonna wrap this up and go think about it for the rest of forever.

tldr is that i think at least Yeowoon and the other boys are all real. they're all being given another chance, with Myungha as their ringleader. they need to learn from him as much as he needs to learn from taking care of them; they all learn that they're worthy of love and friendship in ways they hadn't known before.

they all get their second chance.

[sapphorror]

so I don't necessarily have anything to *say* about it just yet but I find this moment very interesting because if there's one thing that's always been very central to Dib's characterization it's that he, like Zim, is driven primarily by ego—and more to the point, his sense of heroism is ultimately constructed in much the same way Zim's role as an invader is. It's a shallow fantasy he's crafted for himself to make living more bearable, and I would think that the opportunity to be hailed as an entire planet's chosen savior would be exactly the kind of thing he'd seize on. It's EXACTLY how he sees himself, or at least, how he wants to see himself.

And the really interesting thing is that we actually DO see exactly this happen later on in the same story, when he finally wins and it maybe just a little bit goes to his head. He's genuinely well-intentioned, and he wants to teach the Plim to rise up and save themselves rather than rely solely on him, but that's just it—his ultimate end goal as Defender of the Earth has always been to expose the truth and make people realize how blind they've been, but now that he's opened their eyes they can go forth and seize their own destiny, which just happens to look a lot like all the things Dib personally cares about. Perhaps ironically, his desired role is less hero than prophet, and maybe that's why he finds it so hard to swallow the notion of starring in someone else's pre-made narrative.

(And there's something to be said here, about how Zim, for all his unrepentant Zim-ness, might've actually gotten one thing a little bit right when he told Dib the Plim weren't suited to self-actualization—that they didn't want it. To Zim's view, of course, this only makes them exploitable and we're right back to him being horrible again, but I think there is something worth considering about the Plim's autonomy and that, faced with all the evidence and every means with which to save themselves, they still asked—literally asked—Dib to do it for them. Which begs the question—is Dib's continued insistence on developing the Plim's independence itself a kind of subjugation? How about his fixation on showing humankind something they so obviously don't want to see?)

... But you know the really funny part?

Dib ultimately rejects yet another heroic title that isn't to his liking, albeit much less surprisingly this time. Lesson unlearned.

Take this all with a grain of salt—I'm thinking out loud here and quite literally didn't expect to say any of this, but it's an aspect of Dib's character that interests me, and it was actually really unexpected and exciting to read a piece of canon material going into it. I think I'd like it if there'd been more emphasis on Dib's initial motives being largely the same as Zim's in essence—that is to say, feeding his ego and spiting the nemesis—since his ultimate epiphany is that all this time wasted on a petty popularity contest could've been spent actually, you know, being a hero, but the message still comes across and the core of the story being told is really solid. I'm going to be obsessed for weeks.

Also, Plab is everything to me. And I really do think it says something that the single faithful outlier among the Plim still thought Dib could maybe afford to cool it on the reclaiming-their-individuality bit. That's honestly more telling to me than the opinion of any crowd.

[mdhwrites]

Ok, so i watched the finale, it was pretty predictable but enjoyable. But during the after cred scene, it really just solidified how aimless these characters are, Willow truly became just 'strong athlete' who serves as Hunters arm candy. She doesnt seem to give a shit about plants anymore ig? shes just 'buff' now.

Gus went straight back to 'guy who likes humans who has a group to celebrate said interest'. Amity is just... making abominations? i guess? Hunter is making palismen, which seems shoved in because caleb apparently carved.

Luz is... magic. yeah thats it. Eda is a headteacher, which feels widely out of place, but whatever. King Is. Other characters are rebuilding? i just- it feels like these characters have nowhere else to go because they just had no personal goals outside of very basic shit.

With amphibia, sasha became a child therapist, anne became a biologist who specialised in amphibians, marcy became a game designer. These are all goals that reflect their journey.

Now I want to start by saying that endings are hard and that character endings can be even harder than that. If you do a time skip epilogue, you have to somehow be able to show that all the characters are happy, successful and moving on in a way that makes sense and is narratively satisfying. You also usually have VERY little time to do this with because it's purposefully meant to be fluffy and sweet and disconnected from the rest in a way that isn't going to fit with the core of the show. The problem is that part of why this is hard is because characters are meant to be complex and their endings should reflect on the themes of the piece as well. Marcy's creativity and wonder about things blooming into a webcomic (I believe it's a webcomic and not games at least, though games works too) is great because she found a healthy way to share those passions with others and make connections through them. Anne's whole arc was learning to find the wonder in others and the strange world she was in and so her aquarium job is dead on the money. Sasha had to learn the hard way how to stop being controlling, angry and manipulative and passing those lessons on is far deeper and useful to others than anything her cheerleader base would have made you expect. It also makes it so when the show states the theme of the piece, about separation being a chance to grow and what you'll find coming back together is all the stronger, it hits SO. FUCKING. HARD. And comparing that to TOH... Well, we got effectively six character endings from what I've seen, seven if you count Lilith but hers is just more of what she was already doing as her job in the series, just now with a harpy form so I don't. Only six are meant to be any sort of final cap on their character/lives. And I'm just going to say this outright: They're not all bad. So from best to worst, with the name at the start of each in bold in case you don't care about someone, let's talk about: Hunter Amity Eda Willow Gus Luz Hunter: It's good. It's genuinely pretty damn good. That's not a joke or a setup or anything either. If Hunter's arc was about rejecting Belos to any extent, then this is a GREAT finish, even without Flapjack. After all, the part of the Isles that Belos himself most directly destroyed through his consumption, greed and wrath was the palistrom trees and palismen. Having it be that Hunter is now helping restore those elements is incredibly potent. Of course, there's also the obvious connection of Hunter and Flapjack but arguably the bird had more to do with his arc than any one character so him influencing Hunter's future just makes sense. I think it also just fits well with Hunter's character though. Watching out for people trying to steal palistrom wood uses his old soldier training but now in a constructive way, he's obviously not a very social person so the isolation is probably nice to him to get away from things and the boy has a LOT mentally to deal with. Working on regular wood while thinking about all of that is going to be a good place to release those anxieties and tensions in a good, creative manner. And for themes of identity, I think it's fine too. While Flapjack was Caleb's palisman, I don't think we ever get it confirmed that Caleb himself carved for a living or the like. That makes this genuinely something Hunter is doing himself and not because of someone else. That includes if he's doing it somewhat for Flapjack because honoring a friend is a very personal thing and very different from copying the dead. And again, frankly, the job feels very right for Hunter because it plays into his strengths rather than his weaknesses and gives him the peace he needs. No notes. Good job show. You got one. Amity: Okay, that's a little mean because Amity's is... Fine. It finally gives a point to her and her father's arc that you can't argue with through "X led to nothing" like angst about her father or the abomaton problem. There is a through line to this, especially with her abomatons. It makes narrative sense and functions.

...Except how much have those things actually mattered to her and in how long? She still rejected her father's hug in Reaching Out and didn't ask Em and Ed about him so their relationship by the end of the show still wasn't good. Escaping Expulsion explicitly said Amity was letting her grades slip so she's been at least distracted from magic for over a season at this point. Yes they claim her hair is abomination styled but it's WAY too light colored for that frankly, making it look way more pink than any sort of purple. Worse yet is that Amity's arc, besides becoming Luz's girlfriend, can be generously claimed as having a theme of becoming her own person instead of what others want of her. This technically works but clashes some by her still following in one of her parent's footsteps. She just swapped from her mother's dream to her father's passions. Now Alador never pushed her to copy him, he was neglectful after all so that would have been hard, so it still works. It is still theoretically a form of abominations that is characterized in the show by being about passion rather than simply performance with Odalia pushing the need for it to be commercial, something Amity theoretically won't care about. Frankly though, with how much her arc tries to push her caring about others, her reading to kids, there even being from what I've seen a sweet moment between her and the Collector... Why not make her a teacher or a caretaker of some sort? That's harder to portray than abomination mechanic but it fits as an ultimate capstone for going from someone who only cared about personal position, being the best and would throw away lives for her goals to someone who rejected all of that. To someone who spent their life now lifting others up and her knowledge empowered her to do that better than she otherwise could have. So Amity gets like a B. It works narratively and for the character but there's some improvement that could be done.

Eda: Oh look, a job that is going to make her absolutely miserable! That is my first thought hearing that she's a headmaster. After all, being the lead administrator is NOT the same as being a teacher. The paperwork alone is going to make her wish she was dead, much like when Tsunade became Hokage in Naruto. But that's not really what you're supposed to be thinking with it. It's supposed to be the ultimate extension of both Momma Eda in her students being her kids but also the fulfillment of Eda going from reluctant mentor to full on teacher. Which... If there were more than two episodes of the series where Eda was actually even attempting to be a mentor to Luz, that might actually mean more and that is EASILY the stronger thread being pulled here. You have to make the students into a more abstract concept for the Momma Eda theme to really fit here. What could you have done with her? I don't entirely know but I would probably have said enjoying retirement with Raine. Living a life finally at peace and without a need to hustle and bustle to fight against the curse or the system. She could have the freedom she always wanted without having to fear for her life. Having her partner by her side also makes it so you know she has family, something she spent so much of her life without. So essentially it's an ending that works from a more meta perspective but when you actually consider the events of the show and the character, it's questionable how much it fits or how 'happy' an ending it will be for her, especially when it ties her down so hard.

Willow: Okay, being fair here, from a setup perspective this actually works better than Eda's ending. Her strength is much of what defined her character, magically and physically, and she decided personally to want to go into sports in S2. Her becoming an athlete fits on both of those levels. For a character who is mostly a plot device, that's not bad.

Except it really doesn't play into anything about how she began and her resentment towards the name Half a Witch. It also has nothing to do with her plants. These elements that the show tried to claim had her seething resentment, that dominated her childhood, are ENTIRELY gone from her ending instead of reclaimed in any way. It's frustrating because it really paints that early stuff as pointless and genuinely just for Amity's sake, not Willow's and that's not great when the athletic stuff always felt tacked onto me in S2 just to give her SOMETHING to do with Hunter.

It also just continues pushing this feeling to me that despite setting up and wanting Willow to be the shy, plant girl archtype at times, S1 especially wanting her to just be willing to wilt away, SOMEONE on the writing team hates that archtype. Just wanted to surgically remove every last scrap of that from her character, regardless of if she was given the time to justify it or the like. That was frankly more okay to me with the shy element than the plant element seeing as she feels BORN to do plant magic by the fact that she was a master practically from the first time we see her use it without no training.

But here's the real reason it's below Eda: I hate her design. It's mostly fine but it's also UNFINISHED. She has one kneepad and ONE SOCK. You can make excuses for one of those but not the fucking sock and it drives me up a wall. I also don't like that the reformed Isles would still have a character like Willow having spikes on parts of her uniform for sports. Get rid of those and imply things have become gentler show. It's not like you've ever cared about keeping the Isles' identity intact before.

Gus: Here is where we go from "It functions but is maybe not good if you think about it" to "You're being way more honest than you're meaning to be show." After all, we have that cyclical aspect of Eda where Gus is returning to the start of the show but there is NO thought put into this.

If there was, if the show was willing to show that Gus had become wiser and more considerate, he wouldn't be studying humans. Not on the Isles. After all, how is he even going to do it on the Isles? Studying Luz? That feels weirdly like being friends with Bigfoot while saying you still need to find Sasquatch and prove the legends are true. Dude, maybe stop being... weird about this race you know exists properly now. It's kind of uncomfortable.

It's not even a hard thing to fix: Say he's here to see Luz off before going through the portal door with one of those glamour stones to cover his ears. He needs to go learn anthropology and the political sciences of our world in order to prepare to be a proper ambassador. That actually might have been neat.

But, you know, that would have taken any thought or care with Gus and we're lucky he was even remembered in the finale frankly. It's a flat failure though and really highlights how Gus hasn't grown and is still mostly a joke to the writers.

So then the question is... If Gus is this bad, can it really get worse with

Luz: *breathes in slowly*

*breathes out slowly*

I've been pretending to grade some of these and if that's the case, I don't even accept Luz's ending. I tell the student that they ignored what the assignment was and just copy and pasted the first paragraph of their wikipedia entry and tried to hand that in as their answer to how the MAIN CHARACTER OF THE SHOW ENDS IT. Because that is exactly the vibe of this ending.

Luz didn't grow and she sure as shit didn't learn anything. Remember: Her theme for her character arc, the worst decision to me creatively, is the fantasy she wants to live versus the consequences of that fantasy. It doesn't even matter how bad that theme is ever handled in the show because this is theoretically the largest, explicit theme of the story outside of personal expression being all that matters.

And Luz literally ends the series chasing the same dream she had at the start.

I... I don't even entirely know how to respond to that. The show, which is a kid's show remember, legitimately said that her running away from her problems to play out one of her fantasy books was such a good choice, it should be the thing she does for the REST OF HER LIFE. That it is the final, definitive note for the character that Luz the Human is going to be Luz the Witch.

And you know what? If Luz's journey to being a witch actually meant anything in the show, this might have literally any justification. If during the course of the show she had genuinely learned a lot as a person over the course of becoming a witch, if magic itself had so many rules as to require you to be a functional human being in order to use it, it MIGHT work. It's not great but it might work. Except... Remember back when I was talking about Eda? About how Eda spends two episodes teaching Luz and that's it?

Remember: Luz is like 90% why the Selkidamus is beat while on the boat. By the beginning of S2, and explicitly with Escaping Expulsion, she is already closing in on the ceiling of her powers. She already outshines most other witches to the point where the Emperor is the only person to give her a real challenge combat wise so long as the series is actually remembering to let her cast spells. Half of her glyphs aren't even tried to be connected to anything but instead, as she puts it, are found from other witch's spells randomly. They're just... There and no one else noticed somehow.

And this is what you want to say her character was leading up to? A profession that in the human realm has no transferable skills because she can't just be spinning Stringbean all the time without it being obvious and glyphs don't work in the human realm. It's actually worse in the Boiling Isles because unless she's going to get employed as a glyph master or something, she still needs a job. Everyone has magic there after all and anyone can use glyph magic with ease. You don't even need to be confident in it. Thank you Gus and Looking Glass Ruins.

It is bizarrely revealing how little thought and care was put into Luz and the themes of the show with this being how it ends. It is just, top to bottom, a failure. The only way it functions is fans of the show being happy she's chasing her dreams into eternity. You cannot think about it for even a second without some sort of question coming up.

And what else would she do? Easy. I've been saying she should have become a counselor or a therapist literally even before S2. That was just the obvious way for her to grow to me. She learns that you need to balance reality and fantasy, your passions with the demands of the world and takes up a job that lets her help kids like her find happiness and a place in their world. Either world. It would imply she understands childhood fantasies are just that, it would highlight her empathy and understanding of others and also is an amazing culmination of the theme of Fantasy versus Reality.

And instead the show's response was probably as far from caring about any of those things as you can possibly get. I don't understand it and it blows my fucking mind.

But I mean... if you want to finally drop the pretenses and just admit that your show is nothing but basic, escapist fantasy... I guess there really isn't a better ending than this, is there? =======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[canichangemyblogname]

When I started therapy, I was actually hung up on the fact that I didn't seem to have ever experienced dysphoria, which is a lie that has its origins in part in the fact I had no fucking clue what dysphoria actually is. I've since found that it's actually kinda hard to explain, and that's why these narratives that dysphoria is when trans people are revulsed by their body and agab, or when they "hate" their past self, persist. It's also why these "trapped in" bodies and "wrong" bodies narratives exist.

Like. I'm in my body. My body is my body. My consciousness isn't in another person's body; it's in my own. And I know myself. I know myself well enough to know that I am not a woman despite society telling me that my bits, pieces, and parts "make" me one. And how else do I explain this to someone with no frame of reference for this? I liken it to "Freaky Friday," despite the fact that's- technically- what it isn't? It’s like having an out-of-body experience. You're looking at your body. You know it's your body. But there's also a disconnect. Something's missing, and something's there that makes no sense.

I also don't think I could ever hate the girl my parents tried to raise or the woman I wanted so desperately to be. That wouldn't be very kind to me. She really tried her damnedest. And she's not "dead" because she's a vital part of my past. I, quite technically, wouldn't be trans if "she" never existed. I'd be a cis man if I was never afab. "Trans" is an important part of my lived reality.

Was I ever a "girl"? A part of me still has no idea. I know I truly believed I was, but the reasons I believed I was weren't healthy.

I held on to a lot of sex-essentialist ideas for a good portion of my youth. Why? It was all that connected me to the identity society and my family was trying to raise me into. When my cousin gifted me a uterus pin with the words "Women's rights" on it, I wore it proudly. It was a very tenuous connection to womanhood, and it was a connection I needed to critically rethink when my mother and grandmother were both diagnosed with cervical cancer (I was 11). I knew that it ran in my family and that, one day, I might need to go through the same surgery they did just to live.

I asked my mom what connected her to womanhood, and she replied: motherhood. I was never, ever going to be a mother, so I returned to the drawing board. I asked my grandmother what connected her to womanhood, and she replied: standing up to violent men and men who denied her and other women the opportunity to work; community. And I realized that I had never been extended the same community my grandmother always had been. Part of the disconnect I felt was due to violence (sexual and not) I had experienced in single-sex, "women's only" spaces. Girls in "girl's only" spaces made it clear that I was not welcome, and, at the time, I didn't understand why they singled me out and picked on me.

Even though my family was trying to raise me as a girl, the society around me saw me as nothing more than a "failed" girl. I was an "unwoman," not "woman enough," for reasons such as what I preferred to wear. But it's not like in marking me as "unwoman," they made me into a man, far from it. They sorted me- on the basis of my queerness- into some other third category. Something of a eunuch.

And it seemed like the only thing I had was some sex-essentialist, cisgender pretense (I absolutely loved the linked blog post as I found it quite striking, even though I was *never* trans-exclusionary, and I never supported those ideas about trans people) to sort of reassure myself that I belonged in society. Every time I usurped or rebelled against our sex/gender norms, I would work to distract myself from how I constructed my body into a binary and thus ignore how being made into a girl was wrong for me. I literally disconnected myself from parts of my internal self & internal thoughts, and I denied myself the opportunity to construct an identity. I was constantly gaslighting myself and consistently engaged in thought-stopping. In part because I was terrified of being "different."

I so desperately wanted to be just like every other girl that I ignored the fact that I likely never was (and that there is no such thing as universal woman/girlhood). With that realization, I could hear the words of my school-yard bullies from years ago, words which, it seems, many trans masc people have heard in their lifetime, "What's wrong? We're all girls here, aren't we? We're all alike."

I've been unable to recognize my own dysphoria because I have spent my whole life purposefully ignoring and distracting myself from those moments of "huh. something's off." I spent some 23 years of my life essentially disassociating from myself (I'm 26 now). I felt detached from my body and detached from the world around me. It felt as if everyone else was moving, but I was floating in place. I disconnected myself from my thoughts and emotions in an attempt to be accepted by a society that finds queerness disgusting.

I literally felt like I was watching my life and body unfold without my consent rather than me unfolding it myself. So, I liken my experience to "Freaky Friday" because that's also what it is.

[bellaniebrambles]

Diary 17, A new chapter.

I could be a killer.

I could be the villain this state would never expect. As I observe the towns, the people…I see how easy a person minding their own are oblivious. Late into the night and taking a trip up to the stables in Strawberry? Once you crest the hill, no one in town can see you. So many towns have configurations a person could easily be sacked and made off with and no one would have known. Someone just waiting, in the backroom of the general store. Behind the corner at the telegram office.

That inkling, chill down your spine as you walk. Those feeling of being watched. It isn't just the birds, it could be me. Or more worryingly, someone else. People talk about kidnappings in the middle of towns and I can see it happening. So many are unaware of the very world they live in and what is happening around them, who is even there. Again I often feel people just see straight through me. What about that guy over there?

I'm constructing the foundation of my new book and it will be a piece about a killer, a something out there that stalks and all it sees. How it sees…will it open the eyes of those out late? Will it make those unaware think about the route they take? Just like the real danger of killers, no…

It will make an amazing piece though that I hope will give chills to those who read it. I'm also currently working on a book for new readers, ABC's of the state.

A is for Armadillo. Once a quaint town, now a booming heart in the hot desert. A jewel all should seek if venturing to Austin.

Something like that but all the letters of the alphabet. Wish me luck on that one…I'm already stumped on some letters. When can I go back to just writing the morbid?

[lakesbian]

ok my brain Definitely isn't going to sop in any words if i try reading so i went back up to the start of 1.7 and i'll try later but here's my present scan of the blake thorburn psychological complex. he's, as we have previously covered on the pact time hour, a guy who is sooo distressed by not having clear bodily autonomy & physical + psychological identity--due both to previously discussed prior traumas, i.e homelessness, presumed prometheus event*, generally shitty childhood &c + previous & currently encroaching consumption/erasure of his identity by family legacy/by what he's 'supposed to be' under that legacy (rose?). and he responds to this matter by aggressively bolstering the identity he has constructed for himself--cf. 'would literally rather bleed than not shave and fail to maintain his physical identity.' i think when he says all this:

“There were worse days.  Days I’m probably never going to talk to you about.  Or tell anyone about, even if some people close to me maybe put some of the puzzle pieces together.  I’m not aiming for pity here, I don’t want it.  I don’t want to use this for leverage to win an argument.  What I was going to say was that I’ve been through stuff, before any of this, and I made it this far with my instincts.  I can’t and won’t abandon them.”

there is obviously the surface level train of thought he has going here that's "i'm only alive because of my own instincts and my own ability to take care of myself" -> "i can only rely on myself because i'm the only one i can trust to have my back" -> "i would be abandoning my only protection if i didn't rely solely upon myself unless i have literally no choice but to request help." but i think there's also a deeper facet to his control issues where he views giving up any inch of his autonomy over his own decision-making as abandoning an aspect of himself (the language 'abandon' is used!), as allowing his identity to be eroded by forces beyond his control. hence why he's like "Please please for the love of fucking god compromise with me" & then thinks "compromise" means "you compromise by agreeing to do exactly what I want and I compromise by undergoing the mortifying ordeal of having experienced slight resistance to my idea." this is not the first time he's steamrolled over rose because he perceives having to answer to another person wrt his decisions abt his own safety as a threat to his identity & it will not be the last ♥

from, like, the gender aspect of things, i imagine rose is used to being trampled over by men who are very deeply convinced they Know Better, and blake is very used to being a guy who thinks he knows what's best for him + cannot possibly trust anyone else to know. they're both in a situation where if the decisions they make as a team aren't right they're both kicking the bucket (or experiencing something Worse than kicking the bucket), but blake is very materially the one with more power & final decision-making capability, which sucks for him and sucks even more for rose. i'd say that i think tensions are going to keep rising over it, but i actually think it's more likely that it's just going to result in blake doing something which engenders Dire Consequences for him before the tension can reach a boiling point. rose's assessment that there's no room to fuck around and find out without Bad Things Happening is accurate--the horrors are not going to politely wait for him to sort his shit out.

anyway. tl;dr the fact that he is literally psychologically incapable of tolerating someone fairly calmly critiquing an action he took after the fact--not even stopping him from doing it, because she can't, but just critiquing it--means that he is going to continue having a bad time hanging out with her, a badder time making reasonable decisions (two heads are better than one and he is only using the one), and a baddest time experiencing the consequences of his actions

hmm. actually talked myself into having an alright understanding of the start of the chapter. fine i'll keep reading