#almost confused myself with the understanding
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Not sure i can consider myself exactly bilingual, i didn’t grow up in English speaking setting, i learned it as a second language. But than i was in boarding school for two years and well, firstly a lot of terminology about school life was from English. Secondly our boarding staff used English with us on a daily basis. This resulted in almost everyone in school speaking runglish (russian + English) + casually switching to English because why not
So! Things that i and my friends have done / still do / have witnessed
• Often switch to English to talk about heavy topics or feelings. It’s a second language for all of us, so it kinda puts some..distance from all the emotions
• On multiple occasions i caught us all writing messages, where we spell an english word in Cyrillic and then switch to English fully
• Generally we often write English words in Cyrillic for various reasons
• We don’t notice that we code switch. On multiple occasions i said a very common for me phrase and my mother was just starring at me until i understood that the phrase was in English and i needed to translate
• Forgetting a word in both languages NEVER GETS OLD. BELIEVE ME. But usually it’s not something complicated, no, i can remember how to write deoxyribonucleic acid in both languages but forget the word “early”
• two years ago i tried learning Spanish. When we were writing essays in English class i wrote “trabajador” meaning “hardworking”. I knew something was wrong with it but i didn’t know WHAT. I didn’t understand until my teacher pointed it out for me
• I personally do not analyse English abbreviations. Sometimes i forget it has A TRANSLATION. Or a full version. Once i said “wtf” in front of my boarding staff and well it took me three shocked stares and a “ Valery!” to realise it’s not just a phrase with “what the hell” meaning but a swearing.
• *tries to speak English but fails because it’s too early* *tries to speak Russian but fails because brain demands that this setting needs ENGLISH*
• My first sports club, where not only the coach counted, but also the kids - aikido. We counted in Japanese. i haven't practiced Aikido for about three or fours years, but every time i do sports, i count in Japanese to myself
• Grammar? Spelling? Vocabulary. Oh no, what IS confusing IS PUNCTUATION. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE CODESWITCHING.
• at least one of my friends also spells difficult words while writing, but not with the correct pronunciation. we read them as if they're written in Cyrillic/pronounce every letter. It helps with not messing up the letter (for example when I write various i read it as ВЭРИОУС in my mind because I'm a) silly b) ADHD and often mess up the order of vowels when typing fast)
• OH ALSO - some of us (including me) don't have a stable accent. You watch Shelock - you''re British, you watch TikToks from a South American - you're South American. Or! Sometimes accents sticks to phrases and words :D. So it goes like
*speaking with one accent/neutral accent* *uses the Britishest accent in the world for ONE PHRASE* *continues normally*
• Dialects are the Death Of Us. My guy, i have NO fucking idea which pronunciation of "dance" is for UK and which is for America AND I LEARNED THAT WORD WHEN I WAS SIX!!!!
• interjections and sounds are ALSO confusing! You'd think we make similar sounds of surprise or joy or sadness. WE DON'T.
i keep adding things god help
anyway
• people can have different names for different languages! I don't consider my legal name (Lera) to be my deadname, i like it! but don't usually use it in English speaking spaces because...English doesn't have the sounds (it has similar sounds but still)...that are in my name...and it sounds VERY STRANGE
• same with pronouns btw! English doesn't gender verbs, adjectives, nouns, your way to point out gender is simple - pronouns. But in Russian words change depending on a gender ( he is clever - он умнЫЙ, she is clever - она умнАЯ). And the way words change for they/them pronouns doesn't sound right to me, so I don't use they/them for myself in Russian, only she/he! But i don't mind in English, because verbs, adjectives and etc don't change :)
im going to have a stroke
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TOO LOST IN YOU - part V
Paige Bueckers x bartender!oc
playlist, part I, part II, part III, part IV
Warnings: toxic!p, language, sexual themes, themes of cheating etc
Wordcount: 5.8k
A/N: WE ARE BACK! no smut in this one sorry ik you love it but i think this a bit of a turning point in the fic :) again pls send me feedback and live reactions! it's the best part of writing this series ANYWAY GO READ ty for everything you guys do
-
We’re both sweaty, my skin sticking to hers as we try and catch our breaths - that fourth round had really done us in. If it hadn’t been for me, I’m sure the blonde next to me would’ve gone for fifth. That damn athlete’s stamina. This had become a daily routine the past week, ever since our sleepover.
“You stayin’ over, right?” Paige asks, hand in my hair brushing through it gently. I consider it, the idea of falling asleep in her arms, getting to wake up being held tight by her warming me, but in the back of my mind there’s something gnawing at me. I’m pretty sure I had something to do tonight. Oh right. Jay. Shit.
Clumsily climbing out of bed and pulling on my clothes with urgency makes Paige let out a confused chuckle as she sits up, watching me closely. “Damn ma, chill, you can go if you want.”
“No, I just-” I mumble through my red knitted sweater, pulling it over my head. “I was supposed to see Jay.” In fact Jay had insisted we celebrate because it’s been exactly a month since we started seeing each other. I didn’t really get it. Maybe if we were actually dating, and even then just after one month felt… Excessive to me. But she had insisted.
Paige goes uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, a hint of something unfamiliar on her face as I pull up my flared yoga pants. I check myself in the mirror, mascara smudged over undereyes, lipstick all over my face and my perfectly styled blowout matted at the back - I looked completely fucked out. The hickey on my collarbone, and the smell of Paige’s cologne on my clothes didn’t help my case.
“Paigeee!” I groan at the reflection staring back at me, scrunching my face as I force my long brown locks into a high ponytail, but the blonde sitting behind me on her purple comforter remains quiet, eyes low and face stoic. It’s so unlike her I turn around, tightening my pony as I watch her concerned. “P?”
She finally lifts her gaze from the corner of her room to meet my face, smiling weakly. I could tell something was off, and it made my stomach stir. Before I can ask Paige leans her head against the wall behind her, looking to the ceiling and taking a deep breath.
“You sure you can’t stay?”
It sounds vulnerable, almost pleading if I didn’t know better. For a moment I waver, but instead I brush it off, turning back to the mirror and fixing my makeup while Paige watches on the bed.
“Nah, she wanted to celebrate our one month… Something,” I murmur, reapplying the maroon lipstick.
A deep sigh from Paige fills the room as she fidgets with her hands before bringing them up to her jaw, rubbing it.
“Why are you with her?”
“Huh?” I ask, turning to her but she won’t meet my gaze.
“You heard me, why are you with her?”
I’m baffled, astonished by the question. A blush rising to my cheeks I suddenly feel defensive for some reason - mostly because there was no good reason. Jay was nice enough and I liked her company. Sometimes. But at least I knew for certain she would never do what Paige had done to me in the past. Never.
“Because she’s good to me! How’s that any of your business anyway?” my voice rises as I ask, my arms crossing but Paige is quick to get up and walk over to me, pulling me into a hug.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, you right,” she quickly lets out, rubbing up and down my back and the anger immediately subsides. “Stupid question, sorry.” She sounds almost scared. I had never heard her sound like that. Trying to understand what it meant made my mind turn to mush so I focus on the way she kisses my forehead and holds my face, our eyes meeting.
“Thursday then? After my game?” Paige suggests, now kissing my neck, making me forget all about who was waiting for me. My eyes flutter shut as I hum, trying to answer.
“I can’t,” I murmur, Paige’s lips doing their best work as her teeth nibble my earlobe making me hiss. “Me and Jay are gonna come watch you play,” I admit breathlessly, making her pull away from me.
“Seriously?” She asks, brows furrowed in annoyance. I shrug, unsure why she was so upset.
“I’ve been beggin’ for you to come see me play and nothin’? But for Justine…?”
“It’s her birthday! I promised I’d do what she wanted!” I argue, my voice rising the tiniest bit once more.
Paige looks at the ground and shakes her head frustrated, breathing heavy through her mouth. I couldn’t help but feel a little bad, I never in a million years thought she cared this much about me seeing her play. I didn’t even care about going with Jay. Honestly, I just wanted to see Paige in her element. I loved listening to her talk about ball, the way her eyes sparkled with knowledge and passion. She might be a piece of shit and an asshole but I really admired her resilience and ambition. If Paige was anything it was incredibly focused and dedicated. Sometimes to her own fault, I thought.
“Besides I bet Claire or-”
“Clara.”
“Right, Clara, will be there to watch you play!” Her name tastes sour in my mouth.
“I don’ care about her, want you watchin’ me!”
“Well I will be watchin’ you!”
“With Justine!” Paige groans with a roll of her eyes, her hands waving around as she speaks. I watch her bewildered when it hits me. She’s jealous. Paige Bueckers is jealous.
“You’re jealous?” slips from my mouth with a confused scoff, making Paige freeze. She looks at me for a moment, debating, then shaking her head.
“No. I just- I don’ wanna talk about it, I don’t wanna fight,” she sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose with her fingers. There’s a hint of defeat in her voice which makes me waver. My annoyance and confusion slip away as I watch the way her blue eyes soften.
“Let’s not fight Val, please.”
“Okay,” I hum and let her pull me into a hug. As her nose buries into my hair, for a second I think she’s smelling it, inhaling carefully - but I must be mistaken. She had never done that before.
“P I gotta go,” I murmur against her chest, not wanting to but knowing Jay was growing more and more suspicious as time passed. Frankly, we still weren’t exclusive so none of this was technically cheating. Still, I hadn’t told her. I had convinced myself that eventually I would. I just don’t know when.
“I’ll walk you,” she whispers, making me chuckle.
“Yeah that wouldn’t be sus at all huh?”
Paige grins, looking down at me. “Just tell her we’re fucking around.”
With a furrow of my brows I shake my head. “Nah.”
“Why?”
“Because.”
Paige is smirking smugly now, staring into me. “Oh because then you’d have to tell her how I fuck you better than she do?”
I blush and roll my eyes. I wasn’t about to admit she was right.
Pushing her off me, I grab my bag from the floor and give her one last glance. She reaches her hand to my jaw and holds it, pressing a tender kiss to my lips making my heart flutter for a second.
“Text me when you’re there ma,” she murmurs against my lips before letting go and opening her door for me.
“I will.”
Waving bye to Jana and Allie too who I’d become friendly with this last week, I walk out of the dorm into the chilly evening, February still forcing me to wear my white puffer jacket. I wrap it around me tightly as I hurry towards Jay’s dorm, trying not to think myself to the grave over Paige’s behaviour - loving, caring, a different Paige than I knew last fall. I almost wish she was the same as she used to be, the careless player who didn’t let me sleep over or get to know her roommates. Because now I had what I had always wanted from her. Except it wasn’t a dream come true. It was terrifying. My heart wanted to give in, to let myself feel. But I was horrified of what she could do again, how she might hurt me this time.
I’m still in my thoughts when I reach Jay’s door, knocking on it urgently. Before I can even lower my hand, she opens the door, a frown on her face.
“You’re late.” she says, letting me in nevertheless. The room is lit with candles, homemade dinner gone cold on the plates and a bouquet of flowers in a vase - my heart sinks. Not because I missed out on what Jay had planned, but because I didn’t want this. Not from her. I felt like a piece of shit for thinking that this was way too much. But it’s true.
“Fuck Jay, I’m so sorry. I got caught up at Ted’s. I didn’t know a Tuesday night would be this busy,” I chuckle trying to lighten the mood, seeing a teddy bear with a big red bowtie sitting on the couch, giving me the creeps.
“Whatever Val,” she sighs, clearing the plates away. I watch, not sure what to say.
“Your roommates, where-”
Jay turns to me, tears in her eyes. “I paid them both to be out tonight, to make tonight special. But you didn’t even come.”
“I’m here now!” I say, walking over and grabbing her hands. I never knew what to do when someone cried, I wasn’t the consoling type, I was the advice type. My friends didn’t come to me to be comforted, they came to me to know what to do next. I always had a plan. But this was way out of my comfort zone. I hated when girls cried because of me.
“Look, I’m sorry, it was so busy. I didn’t even realise I was late,” I lie, looking straight into her blue eyes. It’s hard, I don’t like it, but the words slip from my lips more easily than I thought.
Jay pouts and nods, wiping the tears from her eyes. “It’s not your fault just… next time call.” Her voice is weak. I really felt like an asshole. I had to end it with Paige, I knew I did. I just simply couldn’t. My heart didn’t let me for some reason.
“Okay, I’m sorry Jay. C’mere.” I pull her into a kiss, but it feels wrong, icky almost. She kisses me back though, her hands wrapping around my waist. I catch a whiff of Paige’s cologne on my sweater.
“Let’s order pizza, okay?” I ask against her lips, not wanting to open my eyes and face reality, the tugging of my heartstrings. I felt like I was being ripped apart, stuck between crossroads. I could feel myself falling for Paige. I knew it by the way my heart ached when we said goodbye, the way my eyes were constantly looking for her in a crowd. I was falling for her, yes. But the moment I admitted that the fear would come roaring in, like a tide, ready to bury everything underneath it. She had so many tools to hurt me, so many that she was unaware of. God if she knew how I felt I’m sure I’d never heard from her again. It would ruin everything. Being with Jay was good, secure, the right thing to do. Even if I didn’t feel half as much for her, my heart didn’t flutter for her - at least she couldn’t break it either.
-
Be you. Be great.
I watch the text from my dad flash on my screen, sitting in front of my cubby, legs bouncing nervously. I already knew we’d win today - we weren’t playing anyone special. An attitude Geno would surely smack the back of my head for, but it’s simply true. It wasn’t the upcoming game making my finger tap nervously against the back of my phone, it was the text I had typed out, my finger hovering over the send button, making my stomach flutter.
Miss u Val
“Yo warmups!” KK snaps me out of my trance, my finger accidentally pressing down on the send button. Shit. Now Valerie was gonna know I miss her.
Sure it had only been a couple days since she was last in my arms, but being away from her made my heart ache. Usually the more I saw a girl the less I wanted to see her. Valerie, however, seemed to have the opposite effect. I couldn’t get enough. Guess it had something to do with the “feelings” I had for her.
“Shit you scared me,” I chuckle, my cheeks turning red as I hide the screen which KK does not miss. She grins at me, elbowing my shoulder teasingly.
“You texting Valerie?”
“Yooo,” I roll my eyes but don’t deny it, a sly smile forming on my face. Raising my brows and scratching the back of my head I look at the shorter girl standing in front of me. “She’s comin’ to watch tonight.”
“Oh forreal?”
“With Justine,” I scoff, standing up to join KK in heading in for the warmups, my jersey on, hidden underneath the warmup clothes. She snorts and shakes her head.
“Crazy work to name a child that,” She laughs.
Nodding, I snort a little. “That’s what I’m sayin’ like.” I might joke, but Justine was the one getting to bring Valerie to a game. Not me. I would take a stupid name like that too if it meant I got to do that.
“You jealous?” KK asks, noticing the way my teeth grind together. I quickly shake my head, not very convincingly, but flexing a little to make up for it. “Nah, I’m the ultimate rizzler remember? Nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”
Truthfully? I was a little worried. Taking a deep breath I try to push that feeling away as we enter the court, the seats slowly filling as the crowd makes their way in.
“Bro just tell her how you feel,” KK murmurs as we both stretch, watching some of the girls running around the court.
Her words make me scoff, how naive. “It’s not that simple,” my voice is stern. No one seemed to understand the pressure I was under, not even my best friend. To even suggest something like that felt insane. I couldn’t tell Valerie. Not with a natty on the line, not with all this pressure.
Besides, what then? She feels the same and we date? I’d make a shit girlfriend, I know it. I was too selfish, an asshole. I wasn’t girlfriend material. Not for anyone as special, as precious as my Valerie. All she did was complicate things. Even now, my head was spinning with the thought of her. As if I don’t have to be at my best, have my head in the game in like an hour. God, I need to get a grip. Maybe I deserved to lose today. I was unfocused, a disappointment.
“Girl you’re an idiot,” KK sighs as we jog up and down the court. My eyes are immediately looking over the student section when her golden brown hair glimmers in the light like a beacon just for me to find her. She’s sitting in the third row, legs crossed in a mini denim skirt, much too short for the weather outside. An oversized black sweater reveals her left shoulder and collarbone, the mark I had left visible to everyone. Bold. I suppose Jay must have thought it was her doing. Boy if she knew. Part of me wanted everyone to know she’s mine. Only she wasn’t.
It’s not just Valerie’s hair, but the gold dangling on her wrist as she brushes her hair back, the rings decorating her fingers and the earrings contrasting against her dark locks that make the whole place shimmer, all because of her. I simply can’t look away. My twisted fantasies of having some sort of ownership over the brunette is quickly interrupted when Justine’s hand wraps around her shoulders and I notice the blonde girl, kissing Valerie’s cheek. My Valerie’s. I nearly trip over my feet, making KK laugh out loud - her laughter echoing around the court, taunting me.
-
“Guys what the hell is wrong with you, we should be up by 20 at this point against a school like this? That was the worst offense I’ve seen in my who-”
Geno’s scolding is ear-piercing as I sit in the dressing room next to the other girls, my elbows leaving red marks on my thighs as I lean against them and wipe the sweat dripping down my neck. My chest heaves as Geno takes turns chewing off each of us, dreading for my own turn.
We were only leading by four pathetic points, and had to struggle even for that. It was all my fault, I already knew. I didn’t need Geno or anyone to tell me that. I was unfocused, making bad decisions, causing turnovers - I even missed a free throw for the sole reason that just moments before I had seen Jay’s lips pressing into Valerie’s. God, just the thought was making me feel sick.
“Paige,” Geno’s stern voice snaps me out of it, my eyes lifting to meet his. But all he does is shake his head, and it’s even worse than him yelling at me. I wanted him to cuss me out, anything else. “You know,” he simply says and I nod. I did know.
At least now I had the confirmation of everything I had suspected all along. A girl was nothing but a disturbance, a hitch in my plans. I can’t believe I had let myself do this, get distracted because of some girl. A classic fool. And I was about to make a fool out of my whole team too.
Once Geno leaves and gives us some time before the third quarter, I check my phone, my repentant thoughts quickly subsiding when I see the texts.
i miss you too p
fuck you look hot in that jersey
okay biceps you looking swole? when have you had time to hit the gym that much
wish i could come spend the night
My heart flutters, all of it is flattering sure. But it’s the first and last message that get me to take deep breaths. She misses me. She wants to spend the night with me. The weight on my chest eases up.
U should come over after
i can’t
promised jay
Fuck Justine
Just come up w sumn
you really miss me that bad?
So fucking bad baby
Going to ted’s after the game
ok i’ll figure something out
Something about the texting and the adrenaline from the game made me bolder, more honest.
Valerie?
yeah?
U look gorgous
Gorjes
gorgeous?
Shut up it’s hard to spell :(
student athlete who
Gotta go warm up
paige?
Yeah?
go kill em
-
It’s hard to miss the moment the Huskies walk in, all in a big group in their navy blue Uconn trackies laughing and hyping up the blonde in the middle, whose face is scrunched up as she tells them to chill. I knew Paige well enough that she didn’t mean any of that, she loved the limelight.
All of the second half of the game Paige had been glowing on the court, completely unguardable, the star I always knew she was. With her help the Huskies had won with a 20 point lead despite the rough first half. I could’ve watched her forever. Every shot, every pass, every block had me on my toes, and I swear I was always the first one to jump to my feet to cheer for her. I forgot about the crowd, even Jay next to me. On the court it might as well just have been Paige Bueckers, I wouldn’t have noticed the difference.
“Babe, tell Alex I’m right!” Jay interrupts my thoughts, forcing my eyes to snap from Paige to her sitting around a table with some of her friends, a red partyhat on her head for the birthday celebration.
I blink stupidly, having missed the whole conversation.
“Shots for everyone!!” I hear Paige yell behind me, forcing a crooked smile to grow on my face.
“Uh sorry I couldn’t hear you,” I admit, glancing over my shoulder hoping the tall blonde would notice me eyeing her. She was too busy leaning over the bar, clearly eager for the drinks.
Jay giggles and presses a wet kiss on my forehead. “You’re so cute,” she murmurs. I nearly vomit.
Suddenly claustrophobic from her closeness, I brush Jay’s hand away. “I need another drink.”
“But you still have some-”
I quickly down the rest of my vodka soda, before standing up and taking quick steps in my boots towards the group of really, really tall girls surrounding Paige, flutters in my stomach growing with each step.
“Valerie!” KK is the first to notice me and wrap an arm around me. The sound of my name makes Paige’s head snap towards my direction, the smile on her face only growing wider when she sees me. Without thinking and before I can stop her, Paige is wrapping her hands around my waist and spinning me in the air, giggling, her head on my shoulder.
“Oh my God put me down!” My command is not cogent, the chuckles making me less convincing. Paige obeys anyway and lets me go, both of us glancing towards the table where Jay is sitting, still immersed in conversation with her friends. Feeling bold, Paige’s hand rapidly slides down my back to my ass, groping it harshly before letting go. The fact that Jay could see only makes me want her to do it again. Maybe I should see a therapist.
“Val I know you’re not working but can you make the Shirleys pleaaaase,” the blonde in front of me begs, her pleading blue eyes almost getting to me. “They’re fire.”
“No! I’m a free woman tonight!” I proclaim, leaning my elbows against the bar. Paige does the same, her side pressing into mine sending jolts all over me.
“Fine, whatchu drinkin’ ma?” she asks. “Vodka soda?”
“With crush-”
“Crushed lime, I know.”
Paige orders the drink, paying for it without making it a big deal in any way. I always found her smoothness so incredibly sexy. Right now as she stood there, elbows on the bar, chewing on her bottom lip, shower fresh and beaming from the win, I swear I had never felt so attracted to her. It wasn’t just pure lust, but something else too. Something more.
“That third quarter,” I start, the praise immediately causing a smirk to grow on the blonde’s face.
“Yeah? You watched me?” she asks, already knowing the answer.
I smile too, looking down to my feet. “You were born to do that.”
When our eyes meet again there’s a hint of something vulnerable and genuine in Paige’s expression. All the other noise seems to quiet down, leaving us in our own bubble, just us two. It bursts quickly when I feel a hand wrap around my waist. I know who it is before I even look, evident by the pure annoyance on Paige’s face.
“Hey babe are you fangirling over here?” She jokes, kissing my cheek. I pull away a little but Jay’s a few too many drinks in to notice.
Paige quickly smiles and shakes her head, sipping her drink. “Nah, I was. She makes the best dirty Shirley around, trust.”
I stare into her blue eyes, secretly enjoying this little game we were playing. Tiptoeing the line between strangers and something more.
“Yeah she insisted on getting me a drink for all the times she’s been yelling into my ear to play Drake,” I tease back, my mind immediately going to the many nights Paige had made her way behind the bar, one time even getting on her knees on the disgusting, sticky floor and begging me to let her play a few songs. From the smirk on her face, I know Paige is thinking the same.
Jay’s eyebrows shoot up watching us, clearly surprised. “Hm. No one told me you two know each other that well.”
“I mean we don’t, I just know she works here,” Paige quickly corrects, her brows furrowing as she points to me. “Your name’s uh… Vivien?”
“Valerie.”
Paige and me both smirk a little, Jay missing it completely.
“Riiight sorry,” Paige grins, sipping her drink and turning to the blonde next to me. “Sick hat.” She’s being sarcastic.
“Thanks man, it’s my birthday,” Jay answers, a little flustered at the attention she was getting from the girl in front of us.
“Damn, happy birthday,” Paige says politely, patting Jay’s shoulder in a manner only I knew was condescending.
Excusing herself, Paige leaves me and the blonde girl by the bar, every cell in my body screaming to follow her.
“Paige Bueckers just wished me happy birthday,” Jay says in awe.
-
The girl whose waist I’m holding, kissing my neck might as well not exist - I barely notice her. My stare is locked on Valerie and Justine, giggling and dancing in the corner of the packed bar. They look happy.
A pang of guilt washes over me momentarily. Here’s Justine who, yeah sure is short, but really seems to like Valerie, takes good care of her. And maybe Valerie would learn to be happy with her if I just let her. The nauseating images of them adopting a dog together, getting married, raising children and growing old with each other flash through my mind. It’s enough to cause a tremble in my lower lip, my eyes welling up. The ache in my chest was trying to tell me something I wasn’t ready to admit.
“Can we go back to yours?” Clara hums, her teeth nibbling on my earlobe when a single tear rolls down my right cheek. I quickly wipe it off, my eyes finally turning to the girl next to me. To my relief she’s too busy trying to turn me on to notice my red eyes.
“Not now Clara,” I murmur, my voice barely audible over the music and chatter.
The girl’s face scrunches up in annoyance as I push her off me, gently but with a firm hand.
“What’s your problem? You’ve been like this all night, it’s like I’m not even here.”
“Not now.” I rub the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes and trying to take calming breaths.
“If you don’t want me he-”
“I don’t want you here Clara, I didn’t even ask you to come.”
There’s a moment of heavy silence between us, the girl next to me staring at me with wide eyes, hurt written all over her face. I wasn’t strong enough to fight how I felt anymore. It was time to face my feelings, even if it scared me.
“This is over, okay?” I admit, my gaze meeting Clara’s. She blinks at me slowly, processing. I feel like I should say something, explain myself. But nothing I could say would make it better so I stay quiet.
In silence, I watch Clara hop down from the bar stool and look at me one more time.
“My friends were right about you.”
With that she leaves Ted’s and relief washes over me. I grab my phone, and type out a text.
I’m sorry but I can’t see u anymore, just got too much going on
I copy and paste it, sending the words to each girl on my roster, not bothering to wait for any responses before deleting their numbers. Zoe, Jenny, Sofia, all gone. It was almost exhilarating, the way my body worked before my brain could catch up. Glancing to the opposite corner of the bar I finally catch Valerie’s eye. I nod my head towards the bathrooms before heading in myself. She’s quick to follow, leaving Justine behind. It was time to be brave, the kind of person who deserved Valerie.
The bathrooms are tiny, both of us making the space more cramped when I let Valerie in, locking the door behind us. Before she can say anything, her big brown eyes blinking at me, I’m kissing her. Not with any other agenda except aching to feel her lips on mine. My left hand cups her face, right hand holding her body close to me by her waist. Hungry for more, my tongue slips between her lips.
“Paige…” Valerie’s voice is soft against my lips, her breathing heavy as her hands hold my hips.
“Shh,” I hum, my hands gently brushing through her hair as my kisses turn from hungry to loving, our lips slowing down in their dance. After a while we both pull away breathless, our foreheads resting against one another. Before my brain catches up, the words spill from my mouth.
“Leave her.”
Valerie’s brown eyes widen as she leans her head back to look at me.
“I- huh?”
I swallow, thinking about doubling down for an instant. No. This needs to be it. Be brave Paige.
“Justine. Leave her.” There’s a hint of anxiety in my trembling voice, but the way I stare at the brunette girl in front of me lets her know I’m serious. Her expression is hard to read, the cramped space muffling the sounds of the world outside. In this moment it’s just us. Frankly, I had no idea what I was doing. I might really screw us up now. Lose her forever. But I didn’t have any fight left in me. It was bound to happen.
“Why?” she asks, her dark brows furrowing a little.
I scoff lightly, taking her hands in mine.
“Why? You know why.”
From the way Valerie blinks at me confirms that she did know - this wasn’t just sleeping around anymore, this had gone beyond. We both knew.
My thumbs smooth over the soft skin of her petite hands, the red polish decorating her nails, the chunky gold rings cool against my fingertips. I was trying to be patient, giving her time to process. But the pounding in my chest was making me lightheaded, the anxiety making my cheeks turn red. I felt vulnerable, exposed, terrified. Yet, I don’t speak or hurry her.
“No, stop it.”
Before I realise what’s happening, Valerie pulls her hands away from me, her eyes full of suspicion. My stomach stirs as she reaches for the door but I stop her.
“No, wait, please Val,” I plead, hand on the door handle.
“I can’t do this again,” Valerie cries out, her eyes filling with tears. I reach to wipe them away but she moves back from me. It breaks my heart.
“No ma, ‘s not like that this time. I left Clara, I left all of ‘em. Fuck all of ‘em ok? I don’t want ‘em!” My voice is desperate, chasing the brunette’s brown eyes as she avoids my gaze.
“I need some air,” she murmurs, unlocking the door. However she doesn’t get far before bumping into Justine’s chest, standing right outside the bathroom eyeing both of us.
All three of us go silent as the blonde girl stares dumbfounded.
“What the fuck is going on?” She slurs, alcohol evident in her voice.
“Jay I-” Valerie starts but Justine is quick to flip around and take hurried steps towards the exit. I follow the brunette out of Ted’s, the parking lot quiet on a rainy night.
“Jay, please wait! Let me explain!” Valerie pleads, grabbing Justine’s hand but she pushes her away, forcing the brunette to stumble back a little. My fingers flex with anger as I step between the two girls.
“Whoa, yo nuh uh,” I say sternly, shaking my head at Justine who’s looking at me like she might actually jump me. I wasn’t worried, I could take her. “Don’t touch her.”
The blonde scoffs, rolling her eyes. “You can’t tell me not to touch my girl!”
Her girl? I feel anger rising from my gut, heat ascending to my neck and cheeks. I step into her space, looking down at her as I do.
“Don’t you get it?” I chuckle, an arrogant smirk on my face, basking in the way she had to tilt her head up to look at me. “Val’s not your girl.”
“Paige-” Valerie’s voice is careful behind me, her hand gently reaching for my forearm.
“You wanna know why she been too tired to come over? Because she’s been in my bed, getting fucked like she deserv-”
“PAIGE!”
Valerie pulls me back by my arm, her eyes wide and furious as she looks up at me. The adrenaline was making me bold, I wanted the world to know she’s mine. No one else’s. My Valerie.
“Fuck you both.” Justine slurs, heading back inside the bar, clearly not the fighting type. Deep deep down I wish she had jumped me just so I had the excuse to punch her at least once for calling Valerie her girl.
The brunette lets go of me and scoffs, shaking her head as she starts walking away from me. Suddenly coming to my senses, I follow behind her apologetically.
“Ma, wait.”
“Paige what are you doing?” She cries out, a desperate frustration evident in the way she speaks as she turns to look at me.
I step into her space, hands itching to touch her. Better not. Not right now. Biting my lower lip I sigh and shake my head.
“Sorry it just pissed me off hearing her-”
She’s not listening but profusely shaking her head, eyes squeezing shut.
“I don’t understand you, I don’t get what you want from me!” She bursts out. My hands come to hold her shoulders, taking it as a good sign when she lets me.
“I want you Val,” I finally admit. Not just to her but to myself.
“But what does that even mean?!” She’s clearly frustrated, tired of the confusing cat and mouse game we’d been playing since we met. I was tired too.
“Look ma, I’m done with all the other girls, and you’re done with Justine. I dunno what that means but-”
“But what? We date? Become girlfriends? Then what?” She spews. I rub my forehead and eyes with my hand, feeling my head spinning. Maybe I hadn’t thought this through.
“Maybe-”
“Until you find the next girl you wanna fuck? Or freak out again?”
“No Val not this time-”
“How do you know?” She asks, a hint of desperation in her voice, looking for any sign that this was a risk worth taking.
“I uh,” I mumble, my skin turning hot, bringing my hands behind my head, rubbing my hair, trying to soothe myself.
“How do you know, Paige?!” Valerie screams, her big brown eyes pleading with me for a reason. Before my brain could catch up my mouth’s already forming the words. The words I had not had the time to admit to myself yet - that feeling that had been gnawing at me for weeks now. The twist in my gut, the dizziness in my head. I finally understood.
“Because I love you Valerie!”
-
taglist: @thaatdigitaldiary @wbbismypassion69 @bueckersfive @onlyhereforpazzi @lovegalor333 @frankoceanlvr303039 @angryflowerwitch@mamixdanni @rosemariiaa @d3arapril @vbueckers @sageworld @makethemhoesmad @sierrale8ne @justliketoreadsowhat@oreo2sblog @sftlyortega @slvt4her @julieloveswbb@vsz333 @faeries-posts @vamptizm @ellapurnellmybeloved @ivorygoal @onlyhereforpazzi @thelightknight21@paigeluvvr@absolutelydreadful@imamartini@lupinqs@authentic-girl03@isurpussygreen@xxloveralways14 (SORRY IF I FORGOT TO TAG)
#too lost in you#lilas writing#paige bueckers#paige bueckers fic#paige bueckers fanfiction#paige bueckers x oc#paige bueckers x female oc#paige bueckers smut#wnba x oc
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almost, but not quite — leehan
pairing — leehan x reader genre — friends to lovers, fluff, crack, university au wc — 8.5k misc/warnings — loser!leehan with avoidant tendencies, slight mutual pining, bonedo group dynamics, also architecture student!leehan... heh, a lot of aquatic and ponyo references, a pov switch happens between leehan and myungjae, getting froyo to avoid confessing, alcohol consumption, kissing playlist — heavy by the marías // nervous by the neighbourhood // halley’s comet by billie eilish // patutunguhan by cup of joe // intro (end of the world) by ariana grande // i know you by faye webster // tsunami by niki // ikot by over october // take a chance with me by niki note — please know i have dropped this and pick it up in multiple instances because i'm not built to write fluff. still, i hope you enjoy because i see myself in leehan :]]
synopsis — if there’s one thing leehan didn’t understand, it’s the gross, sticky emotions he feels with you. yet, there’s an undeniable warmth that lingers—and that’s when he knows he’s screwed.
(in other words, the five times leehan found himself at a crossroads and the one time he decided on what he wanted with you.)
if the world were to end, leehan believes it would start with a meteor shower. before they crash against the soil, their trail of flames would catch on tree branches, the fire spreading through forests. their craters would swallow civilizations, and the floor would crack beneath his feet. the world will go up in flames within the blink of an eye; how dinosaurs met their demise would be the same fate he would face.
jaehyun finds it stupid, arguing it would be through an alien invasion. (“there’s too much proof! i mean, have we forgotten about area 51?” is the same point he never fails to make.) it didn’t help that he believed leehan could be an alien in disguise, regardless of how many times leehan showed him his birth certificate.
but how the world ends for leehan happens without him even knowing, waking up in the middle of his fall into the never-ending void. the harsh light morphs into amber tones with every descent as heat prickles his nape. leehan imagines the sting of lava hitting against his skin, burning him alive to a slow death, but it’s his descent into the ocean.
how leehan’s world ends is not from a meteor shower or an alien invasion, but with his plummet past the ocean floor all the way to the core.
yet, the center of his earth doesn’t happen to be molten lava.
it’s you.
“who’s jaehyun talking to?” sungho frowns in confusion before shoving a spoonful of rice into his mouth.
leehan looks up from his phone and attempts to find his friend among the students who fill up the cafeteria. as he cranes his head past unacquainted faces, he spots the familiar boy talking with a stranger. “no clue.” before he can go back to doom-scrolling, jaehyun bursts into laughter.
it shouldn’t be a big deal; the sight of his best friend doubling over is an everyday occurrence for him, but not anyone can achieve it unless they knew the spectrum of jaehyun’s humor.
jaehyun catches leehan’s puzzled look and shoots him a smile. his hand lingers on the mystery person’s shoulder. before leehan can look back at his phone, you turn around.
leehan freezes.
if there’s a view that could beat the great barrier reef, it would be you. (even if leehan has never seen it. he just knows.)
“oh, they’re coming our way,” sungho points out.
like a human meeting a siren, leehan couldn’t rip his eyes off of you. your graceful strides resemble the movement of sea creatures. a coral forms on your nose with every laugh. yet, it’s sea of jellyfish in your eyes that could make him crumble.
before he knows it, you stand in front of him with your eyes on jaehyun. if his friend was saying something, he never catches on—except for your name. “this is y/n.”
he repeats your name to himself; a song to be sung.
“hi! it’s nice to meet you.” your smile is made of the sun and sea. the expanse of blue glimmers as it crashes against him—out of enchantment and back into reality.
“how do you know jaehyun?” sungho asks.
you glance at your friend. “we’re in the broadcast club together. you know, he’s basically made to host.” from your compliment, jaehyun rolls his eyes and nudges your shoulder.
leehan rips his gaze from you, his hand finding a spot by the back of his ear as he fiddles with the last strands of his composure. he’s out of his mind. what’s he even thinking about you? for all he knows, you could be dating jaehyun.
oh god, are you dating his friend? what if you two have been going out for years and he never knew—wait, it shouldn’t even matter.
leehan doesn’t know anything about you so he feels indifferent towards you, right? right?
sungho tilts his head in curiosity. “oh! what do you do?”
in the process of glancing at you, leehan briefly locks eyes with his best friend. jaehyun’s eyes glance dart between you and leehan as a smirk makes its way to his face.
whatever his friend is thinking of, leehan only assumes the worst. is jaehyun going to misunderstand the situation? how does leehan explain to him that he’s just nervous around you? would his friend take it against him for looking at you?
leehan thinks it’s over for him.
“tech. you know the people who manage the mixing board?” as you imitate yourself moving the sliders, leehan lets out a giggle without a second thought. as you smile at him, leehan feels the heat rise to his cheeks. he looks back down to his phone, hoping you can’t notice the pink tint all over his face.
“that’s cool! even cooler than what jaehyun does.”
sungho’s joke only brings jaehyun to smack his arm. “hey!” he frowns before glancing at you. “he’s kinda right.”
“not even kinda, he is right,” leehan remarks as he ignores the sea in his stomach.
jaehyun groans as his two friends fist bump each other. before they can ruin his reputation any more, he looks at you and says, “i’ll see you after class?”
you nod. “bye! it was nice meeting you.” you glimpse at his friends before locking eyes with leehan.
your eyes are seas that leehan wishes he could swim in. he would hold his breath just to stay in them, undergo the sting of his lungs just to admire them.
but it’s your smile that snaps him out of your possession. when he realizes he’s staring at you, his elbow slips off the table.
“are you okay?” sungho’s question is accompanied with a frown of confusion. while concern paints your features, the same, all-knowing smirk rests on jaehyun’s face.
leehan clears his throat as he fixes his posture. “yeah, i’m good.” he can’t bear to meet your gaze, not after his slip-up and certainly not after jaehyun’s reaction.
“okay, well i’m going. nice meeting you both!” with your farewell, you leave the group of three.
once jaehyun finds his spot next to leehan, the worst possible scenarios flood leehan’s mind. the last thing he wants to do is ruin his friendship with him.
yet, he’s dumbfounded when jaehyun chuckles. “dude, if you’re going to have a crush, at least make it discreet.”
leehan’s eyes grow wide over jaehyun’s accusation. “i do not like y/n.” he snickers. “what are talking about?”
his friend clearly misread his actions. how could he even like you when he barely knew you? over one interaction, too? jaehyun needs to have more faith in him.
the disbelief in jaehyun’s features tell leehan otherwise. “are you seriously going to play that card? sungho, back me up.” he looks at the boy across from him who’s too busy eating away to even help him out. “didn’t you notice his eyes? they were practically hearts!”
he shrugs as he finishes his food. “beats me. leehan’s always been an oddball.”
“no, but he’s not like his usual silly self!”
leehan grumbles, nudging his shoulder against his troublesome friend. “quit it. stop making this weird.”
“whatever.” jaehyun rolls his eyes before jabbing his finger against leehan’s chest. “just know that i know your little secret.”
leehan grows annoyed at jaehyun’s accusations. he’s already said he doesn’t like you that way. how could jaehyun even think that? leehan swats away jaehyun’s hand before getting off his seat. “i’m leaving.”
“what? why?!” his friend clings onto his arm. the pout on his lips attempts to hold him back from his departure. “did i tease you too much?”
leehan shakes his head as he shrugs off jaehyun’s grip. “no, i’ve got a plate to cram.” he slings his backpack and drawing tube on his shoulders. “i’ll see you guys later?”
sungho only musters a hum before shoving another spoonful of rice into his mouth. as leehan takes his leave, jaehyun rests his chin on his crossed arms. despite the sigh that leaves the dejected boy, sungho pays no attention to him. “you’re not even going to ask why i’m sad?”
“just let him be. i’m sure he doesn’t like them.”
jaehyun groans in response.
if there’s one thing he’s certain about, it’s leehan’s crush on you. sure, his friends don’t see it, but one thing he knows for sure is leehan’s interest in you—he’ll do anything to make sure it comes into fruition.
and if there’s one thing leehan hates to admit to, it’s jaehyun being right in his suspicions, so he’ll keep going—deny, deny, deny, whatever he’s feeling because it doesn’t mean anything.
it shouldn’t.
but to leehan’s dismay, his mind would always drift back to you.
leehan swears he hasn’t thought about you. unfortunately for him, he never crossed paths with you since that one fateful encounter.
it shouldn’t be unfortunate. after all, he knows nothing about you.
(except for your name. and your course. and that you’re in the broadcasting club with his best friend. and that you’re a big fan of ghibli movies. and that every spotify playlist is perfectly curated to fit every mood, from the “slow mornings” to the “rageful evenings” as you’d like to put it on their descriptions.)
absolutely nothing, really.
as he found himself in the middle of midterms, the idea of you started to slip away in between papers and unfinished plates.
leehan likes the library during exams season; place filled with students who are struggling like him. as night has dawned upon them, bulbs of yellow light up at every table. he’s always been able to work better at the library. after all, it doesn’t help that jaehyun is lounging in their dorm, enjoying his freedom from academic obligations.
still, leehan cannot deny his exhaustion as he attempts to finish one of his many essays. it works in his favor that his hoodie does its job in concealing his fatigue from others, allowing him to isolate and make sense of the words on his screen.
perhaps it’s for the best for you two. if he found himself entangled with you, maybe he wouldn’t get any work done. he already begged his professors for an extension, and he’s starting to think that might be the last time they’d understand. the last thing he wants on his mind is you—
“leehan?”
the source of his sleepless nights stands right before him. it seems like you’re unscathed from what this season brings but your laptop and bag filled to the brim with readings suggest otherwise.
still, it’s the same jellyfish-like glow in your eyes.
“o-oh, hi!” at his voice crack, his eyebrows shoot up. “sorry, hi again.”
“no, it’s fine! i understand.” you smile in a poor attempt to suppress your laugh. “i just wasn’t expecting to see you here. wait—you do remember me, right?”
he’s surprised that thought comes across your mind. “of course i do, y/n. how could i ever forget jaehyun’s cool friend?”
you roll your eyes at his flattery, trying to ignore his comment, but the smile on your face says otherwise. “at least. it would’ve been embarrassing to approach you and find out you don’t remember me, which i understand but i think i would’ve run away.”
your shy demeanor causes waves to crash against his heart, the sound of your voice enchants him, and—snap out of it!
he shakes his head in an attempt to regain his composure. “what brings you here?”
“i’m here to work as well, but i’ve been walking around trying to find a table and i can’t find a vacant spot.” as your eyes flicker to the empty chair across him, he’s quick to move away his scattered things, some pens falling off the table.
“you can sit with me!”
“are you sure? i’d understand if you need your own space, really.”
leehan can try all he wants to shake off the thought of you, insist that he doesn’t have a crush on you (because he really doesn’t), but he isn’t going to have you leave this library in defeat. you two are in the same boat, trying to meet deadlines while running on a few hours of sleep and caffeine. he isn’t going to leave you stranded.
“yeah, i’d be happy to have someone join me. i can’t be the only one going crazy here,” he reassures you. you take that as your sign to sit with him.
(and this isn’t his attempt to spend time with you. really, it isn’t.)
he tries to continue where he left off on his work. if he continues to put off this essay, he wouldn’t only lose another hour of sleep but risk receiving a failing mark.
yet, his eyes are drawn to you. regardless of all the risks, of all the threats that loom in the deep ocean, he can only look at you.
which is why it comes to his surprise when you meet his gaze.
leehan is quick to break eye contact and act like he’s working. heat rises to his cheeks. in the sea of typing, your giggle reaches his ear.
now, he isn’t sure how red he’s become.
“i didn’t know you like ponyo.”
a hum of confusion leaves him. as you stare at the stickers plastered over his laptop, your finger darts at a jellyfish one. “that’s from ponyo.”
his face flushes. “oh! yeah.” the last word trails into a whisper.
“is that your favorite ghibli movie?”
leehan melts into his seat. not from the nerves but pure embarrassment—because he has no clue what ponyo is. from what he’s gathered, it’s a ghibli movie, has jellyfish in it, and… that’s all he got. after all, he bought that sticker at a convention a few months back.
(it’s starting to make sense to leehan why the artist showed him a collection of anime characters back then, and it didn’t help that he asked to see more fish stickers instead.)
he should be honest with you; if he doesn’t know what the movie is about, then maybe you’d indulge him with everything you like.
yet, another lie is said. “yeah!” it leaves leehan in shock, in embarrassment, in a situation he could’ve avoided. he should’ve tried to save himself from the unfolding mess, but the beam in your eyes outshine all sea creatures he’s studied up on. “what about you?”
your smile grows bigger. “i love that movie! you know, there’s supposed to be a symphonic concert happening in a couple of months.” leehan only musters out a hum, trying to cover up his anxiety with interest. as you learn on the table, you ask, “who do you think you are between ponyo and sosuke?”
leehan’s absolutely fucked, but he knows how to keep his act up; avoid answering and throw the question back. “who do you think i’m more like?”
you take a moment to think. as your fingers tap against the table, a small hum leaves you. “based on vibes, i think you’d be ponyo.” leehan can only nod.
once silence settles between you two, leehan thinks he’s in the clear. he’s ready to put this interaction behind him, even kick himself for lying to you—
“now, what about me?”
“uh,” he mumbles as he discreetly searches up the movie.
with your wide-eyed gaze, the pressure to answer is multiplied by ten-fold. leehan thinks this is even worse than answering an exam worth 40% of his final grade. he wish he could be swallowed up; it pains him to keep the act going.
by some miracle, you read his thoughts. “you don’t know anything about ponyo, do you?”
he sighs in relief. “oh, thank god, i couldn’t keep this up any longer. i only got that jellyfish sticker because i like fish, and no one told me it’s a reference to a movie until you pointed it out.” the frown painted across your face makes him feel like he’s been stung by a jellyfish. “i’m sorry. i should’ve just told you that i had no clue what you were talking about, but i panicked and i didn’t want to ruin the conversation with my ignorance and—”
you burst into laughter, causing neighboring tables to glare at you. as you throw an apologetic smile to those you disturbed, you try to hold yourself back from laughing any more. leehan wishes you didn’t stop then; those few seconds turned into a song stuck in his head.
“i’ve never met anyone who’s into sea creatures.”
leehan’s breath hitches. is he weird for liking fish? would you be freaked out by his tank filled with corydoras? is it over for you and him—
“but i think that’s cool.” your words snap him from his thoughts. “do you have some as pets?”
the question brings him to grin. “corydoras and snakeheads.”
“you wanna tell me more about them?”
leehan thinks you might be it—the one, as riwoo likes to rave on about when imagining his unfolding future—for him.
but he’s gone through weeks filled with stress and the exhaustion gets in the way of his work; it’s probably the same case for his feelings towards you. before he can spiral into a never-ending hole filled with delusions, he shakes off the idea. “maybe another time.”
“you’re right. sorry about that. we both came here to work and i’m clearly distracting you.”
his eyes grow wide, scared to send you the wrong message. “no! you’re okay. i like talking to you.” as your expression shifts from apologetic to shock, he quickly adds, “about my fish! yeah, about them.”
while a nervous chuckle leaves him, you smile. “i like talking to you, too.”
leehan’s skin heats up.
“about ponyo, even if you didn’t know what i was talking about,” you tease. “maybe we can watch it together when we’ve got time. i don’t know what it’s like as an architecture student, but i can spare a few hours.”
leehan’s senses elevate—not from your suggestion but over the mention of his course. “how do you know my course?”
he didn’t want to get ahead of himself, really, but he can’t control his mind from jumping into conclusions. did you search him up right after the first meeting? were you curious about him?
were you interested in him the same way he is with you?
“myungjae mentioned it.”
his hope dissipates. “oh, that makes sense.” disappointment is evident in his tone.
still, your smile remains. “myungjae talks about you quite a lot.”
leehan’s groans as his mind jumps to the embarrassing stories that his friend could possibly say. “i would hope it’d be good things.” after all, jaehyun knows too much about leehan, and he didn’t want him to influence your perceptions surrounding him for the worst.
a quiet moment stretches between you and him.
“yeah, all good things.”
it’s a silent agreement for the two of you to get back to work; crunch out sentences filled with grammar mistakes and words derived from google searches of synonyms.
still, leehan’s eyes drift back to you every once in a while.
if there’s one thing jaehyun is set on proving, it’s leehan’s crush on you.
it’s been weeks since he first saw his friend freeze at the sight of you. the first time leehan’s eyes held a certain glow that resembled the jellyfish sticker on his laptop.
on the other hand, sungho’s grown tired of jaehyun’s supposed baseless accusations; all jaehyun needs to do is show the signs to prove it all.
he stands in sungchan’s kitchen, swishing around a mix of alcohol and mixers in his cup. the bartop is filled with bottles of liquor and drinks, a variety for him to choose. while everyone is off to enjoy the party, he stands with riwoo and sungho. as sungho shares about the gossip he’s heard, his fingers playing with the hem of his crop top, riwoo’s pink antennas bounce with every laugh. while they’re caught up in their own conversation, jaehyun’s gaze shifts between leehan, who stood by the corner of the living room with taesan, and the front door that swings open every five minutes.
“dude,” riwoo’s voice snaps jaehyun back into their conversation, “what’s gotten into you?”
sungho frowns at jaehyun who only takes a sip from his drink. jaehyun’s odd but never to a point that he’d stop himself from enjoying a party.
“are you waiting for someone?”
from riwoo’s question, sungho manages to connect the dots, and a frown settles on his face. “are you kidding me? even at this party? is that the only reason you begged us to come?”
jaehyun believes that he’s a mastermind. it was easy to convince his friends to show up to sungchan’s halloween party; the mention of alcohol and familiar names seemed did the trick. after all, they all saw the opportunity to de-stress from finals and end the semester on a high note.
the icing on top of his plan was your agreement to show up.
“is this about leehan’s supposed crush?”
sungho’s hip rests against the counter as he looks over at his friend from a distance. “we don’t even know if he likes them, but jaehyun’s so insistent on saying he does which, by the way, isn’t cool. don’t make it weird between them.”
in all other instances, jaehyun would agree with his best friend, but he shakes his head before saying, “just watch and see. by tonight, i will change your minds.”
“if only y/n shows up,” riwoo snickers.
regardless of his friends’ comments, jaehyun stands tall. “trust me. i know they will.”
sungho rolls his eyes at his friend’s confidence. “what makes you say that?”
“jaehyun!”
the familiar voice rings in jaehyun’s ears. “speak of the devil.” with a smile on his face, he looks over to see you approaching his group of three, all dressed in a mustard-yellow shirt, grey shorts, and a green pail bucket hanging on your arm.
“sorry! i was finishing up my last requirement a few hours ago.”
jaehyun slings his arm around your shoulders. “i’m just glad you made it.”
“yeah, mainly because you begged me to do so.”
“he did the same to us,” sungho snickers.
jaehyun rolls his eyes. “we all know that’s not true. you just won’t admit that you wanted to party, too.”
“i’ll have you know that sungchan invited me before you did,” you remark before you grab yourself a clean cup. with jaehyun’s arm still wrapped around you, you drag him along in staring at the selection of drinks on the counter. “what’re you drinking?”
“oh, the perfect mix!” you don’t think twice about jaehyun’s words until you watch him grab on different bottles of liqueurs and mixers. “like juice, i tell you.”
“that’s dangerous.” a nervous chuckle leaves you before he shakes his head.
“you’ll be fine, tipsy after one drink at most.” you roll your eyes at your friend being the cause for your impending doom. “by the way, this is sungho, as you’ve met before, and riwoo.” jaehyun’s introduction has you turning around to greet the two.
“you’re dressed as saiki k! i love that anime.” riwoo chuckles at your exclaim. as you look at sungho, you spot the neck of an electric guitar peeking from behind him. “you play?”
he snaps out of his trance and hums in confirmation. “sorry, i was trying to figure out what you’re dressed up as and i still have no clue.”
“oh!” you reach out into your bucket before pulling out a small keychain of a gingered-folk dressed in red. “i’m sosuke, from ponyo.”
riwoo’s hands come together. “i see that now!”
once jaehyun hands you your drink, you take in his costume; a purple sweater that drowns his figure with rock n’ roll girl plastered at the front. “who the fuck are you?” you sip on jaehyun’s concoction. the sweetness of the drink masks the taste of alcohol. it’s a mistake to drink this, not because this will lead you to an incurable hangover but because of jaehyun’s answer.
“i’m darla from finding nemo.”
you choke on your drink. jaehyun’s quick to rub his hand against your back. in the middle of your coughing fit, laughter slips in between. “what the fuck?! i wouldn’t have guessed that.”
jaehyun clicks his tongue before holding your arm. “which is why i have a partner to complete my outfit! come.”
before you know it, he drags you through the crowd of people. whenever your bucket crashes against someone, you’d quickly apologize before jaehyun hauls you five steps forward. you don’t understand the rush, but jaehyun’s smirk makes you believe otherwise.
jaehyun believes he’s a mastermind; he isn’t going to miss the perfect opportunity to push his plan forward.
“leehan!” his friend, dressed in a fish outfit with yellow and white stripes, rips his gaze away from taesan and settles on the two of you. his relaxed smile morphs into a thin line as his droopy eyes turn wide. it’s moments like these that make jaehyun question how his other friends fail to see the signs.
taesan’s eyes follow. “jaehyun! you came at the perfect time. i just needed a refill of your mix.” the moment he spots you, he straightens his back. “i don’t think we’ve met before. i’m taesan.”
“y/n.” the makeshift cat ears formed by his hair bring a smile to your face. “didn’t know i’d meet a catboy today.”
“yeah, well—”
“taesan, come with me.” jaehyun grabs his arm.
taesan and leehan frown at him. “huh? can’t you just make it and bring it here?” as taesan swings his empty cup, jaehyun rolls his eyes before dragging him to his side.
with your confused expression, he forces a smile. “no. i need to introduce you to someone, anyway,” he lies behind his teeth. while you accept his words at face value, leehan’s eyes grow wide at his friends’ escape.
before his lovesick friend can protest, jaehyun and taesan take their leave.
“what the fuck was that?” taesan shouts the question as they make their way back to the kitchen.
jaehyun shakes his head until they reach riwoo and sungho. “that’s the person i was telling you about! the one leehan likes.”
taesan glances at the two before bursting into laughter. “nah, i think they’re just friends.”
“i’ve been saying that for the past weeks,” sungho complains before he sips his drink. “every time jaehyun teases leehan, it almost looks like he’s going to kill himself.”
riwoo hums as he observes his friend. “what even makes you so sure that he likes them?”
“oh, i’ll show you.” jaehyun pulls out his phone before going through his contacts.
as sungho peers over, he frowns at the contact name. “what’s he going to know?”
“hey, can you at least make my drink—”
the call is picked up by their friend, whose eyes are shut and hair ridden into a mess. “hello?” he groans.
“woonhak, do you think leehan likes y/n?”
a pause ensues.
“who?”
sungho smacks jaehyun’s arm, causing him to hiss at the contact. “why’re you bothering the kid? can’t you see he was sleeping?!”
“at 10:34 p.m.? the night’s still young!” taesan jokes as he sings out the last sentence. “anyway, about my drink—”
“this is about the person i was telling you about! the one in the broadcast club.” despite jaehyun’s attempt to jog his friend’s memory, he’s met with a confused and sleepy groan. “the one who likes ponyo.”
for some reason, that piece of information clicks in his drowsy friend’s brain. “oh, yeah! what about them?”
sungho shakes his head. “this is pointless. he’s clearly too sleepy to have this conversation. bye—”
“no! woonhak, you are going to help me prove that i am right about leehan and y/n.”
riwoo laughs in disbelief. jaehyun’s persistence is not new, but it’s the first time they’ve seen it involving their friend. “and how are you going to do that?”
“like this.” jaehyun flips the camera, showing woonhak the view of leehan. woonhak’s face moves closer to the camera in an attempt to focus on his friend, who rocks back and forth in place as he talks to you.
like clockwork, leehan leans forward. “see! don’t you think they’re so close to each other?” jaehyun points at the view.
sungho chuckles before resting his hand on his shoulder. “it’s a party. i’m sure they can’t hear each other that well, especially since they’re near the speakers.”
“he’s right. i mean, they are close, sure, but it doesn’t really mean anything.” although woonhak shares the same sentiments as sungho, jaehyun doesn’t admit defeat. he’s secured in his suspicions; the last thing he’ll allow is for him to be swayed until he shows them all signs affirming it.
“okay, but look at his thumbs.” his friends dart towards leehan’s hands that are wrapped around his cup. “he’s twiddling them! don’t you think he’d fidget around someone he likes?”
riwoo sighs. “i’m sure he’s just nervous because he doesn’t know y/n that well.”
yet, jaehyun shakes his head at riwoo’s assumption. “but that’s the type of anxiety you expect from someone with a crush.”
“that is true.” taesan’s comment brings all eyes on him. i’m kind of just agreeing at this point so that jaehyun can make my drink.” everyone groans and scolds the alcoholic.
“okay, but he could still be warming up to them. i mean, they’ve only known each other for a few weeks now,” woonhak adds on. it’s clear that calling him isn’t helping jaehyun’s case. woonhak’s two more comments away before the call is dropped on him.
at this point, jaehyun’s desperate. he couldn’t have his plan fall through or he would never live this down. if anything, he might end up getting scolded by sungho. (“this is what you get for being so hard-headed!” jaehyun can imagine sungho’s harsh tone that would be accompanied with flared nostrils.)
yet, it’s like the universe heard jaehyun’s plea. leehan does the unimaginable—a gummy grin takes over his features.
“holy shit,” taesan whispers.
riwoo looks back at his friends. “there’s no way, right?”
leehan’s never the type to grin easily, always sticking to tight-lipped ones and smirks. such smiles are different from whenever he'd laugh; a beam in the middle of a conversation comes like bioluminescent waves.
“wait, the quality is so bad. i can’t see why you guys are shocked,” woonhak complains from the other end of the line.
“it’s just that leehan is smiling, like really smiling,” sungho briefs the confused fellow. his head tilts as he continues to watch you two interact. “i mean, y/n could’ve told a joke. like, that possibility is still there.”
jaehyun’s patience runs thin the more sungho remains dismissive. “why don’t you want to admit that i’m right? is it that hard to just say, hey, jaehyun, you might be right about leehan crushing on y/n. sorry about that! like, is it that hard?”
despite jaehyun’s frustration, sungho sighs. “it’s not that, really. i just don’t want to assume anything about his feelings.”
jaehyun’s frown falters. when sungho puts it that way, he recalls all the times he might’ve made leehan uncomfortable, going lengths to ignore what his friend says; he must’ve been a terrible friend to leehan. and for once, jaehyun admits defeat. “yeah. you know what, you’re right. i shouldn’t assume whatever he feels.”
“what makes you so certain about those two, anyway?” woonhak asks.
jaehyun looks over at you two, backs against the wall and shoulders pressed to each other. from leehan’s grin to the crinkle by your eyes, jaehyun smiles to himself. “because i’ve never seen them that happy unless they’re together.”
because to him, you two are a match made by the seven seas—handcrafted by the gods that rule the oceans with the intention of having you to stick together like corals and fish. while his friends can’t see that, he hopes with enough high and low tides that they’d start to see the same vision as him.
yet, the waters hear his final plea; one final sign that might affirm jaehyun’s suspicions.
as you walk away from leehan, making your way to the washroom, his eyes never leave you. his grin resembles the softness of sponges he’d ramble about, and the jellyfish-like glow in his eyes didn’t leave.
“oh my god, leehan likes y/n,” sungho gives in to jaehyun’s conviction.
“wait, what? how’d we get here? what happened?”
jaehyun doesn’t think twice about dropping the call. (only to pick up and earn an earful of complaints about leaving woonhak in the dark, especially after waking him up.)
leehan thinks he’s dreaming.
he’ll wake up in a classroom to his professor’s lecture on parametric design or urban revitalization. before he’ll know it, he’ll watch the clock tick away until the bell rings. if not to a lecture, leehan might wake up to jaehyun’s knocks, only to groan and doze off once again.
he should be dreaming, really, because in no universe would he be seated on the couch of the living room and watching ponyo with you—except for this one.
leehan can’t find the words to explain how he got here. since his last class was canceled for the day, he was going to rush home and take a long needed nap. yet, the waves managed to bring you to him at the right time.
the thing about leehan is that could never say no to you. whether it be for a small favor or rearranging all his plans for the day, he thinks it’s only right to accept anything you throw at his way. you’re his friend, after all, which is why he didn’t think twice about having you over for the long-awaited ponyo watch party.
now, he finds himself seated on a sofa with you, speakers blasting your favorite film. the space is littered with all forms of knickknacks, sea-like or music related. it’s filled with leehan’s and jaehyun’s personalities, showing an apartment filled with love. when leehan’s free time lined up with jaehyun’s, they’d make it a habit to lounge and watch all sorts of films.
while he’s never had issues getting invested in what he watches, it’s only now that he faces that issue.
he swears from the bottom of the ocean that he wanted to focus on the movie, but it all seems impossible with you. the smell of your laundry detergent. your skin against his arm. the quiet, steady breathing of yours that syncs with his.
“leehan.” as you tilt your head in curiosity, he holds his breath. “are you watching?”
and the thing about you is that you always saw right through him. over the course of a few weeks, past the seafoam and algae, you always read him.
he clears his throat before scooting away from you. “of course.” as he stares right at the television screen, a chuckle leaves you.
silence hangs between you two.
leehan glances at you. you’re eyes are already on him.
“gotcha.” heat rises to his cheeks.
you sink into the couch with a pout. “if you didn’t wanna watch, i would understand.”
“no, it’s not that at all!” as your eyes snap to him, he sighs. “i really want to watch this with you. my mind’s just over the place.”
you face him, concern painting your features. “what’s going on then? why don’t you tell me what’s up?”
what you don’t know is that you’re his distraction. even at this moment, leehan can’t form an answer to your question. he can never think straight with you; the jellyfish you spoke of in your favorite movie could never compare to the ones in your eyes.
he takes one glance at your lips before breathing out. “nothing.” as he shifts his attention back to the movie, he tries to shut down the conversation. “it’s fine.”
leehan expects for the subject to drop, go back to watching your favorite movie in silence, until your hand rests on his thigh.
“leehan.”
when he looks at you, the distance between you two is enough for the seafloor to crack. the waves in his stomach roar. his breathing halts, almost scared that one exhale will cause you to crumble like a coral reef. when you lean towards him, hot water rushes out of the splits.
yet, you stay still.
the waves won’t carry him to you; all he needs to do is pull his feet from the wet sand to close the distance.
“hey, do you want to get some—oh!”
you pull away from him. as you attempt to resume watching the movie, leehan looks back at the intruder. there stands a shocked jaehyun whose eyes dart between you two.
“uh, i should probably go.” you get off your seat. “i still have some papers to work on, you know.”
leehan shakes his head in reassurance before standing. “of course. i can go with you back to campus—”
“no need!” you interject before shooting an awkward smile. “it was nice seeing you two!”
without any second to spare, you exit out of leehan and jaehyun’s shared apartment.
“were you guys about to…”
leehan’s eyebrows shoot up. “no! that would never happen,” he says as he shuts the television.
a moment ticks by.
before leehan knows it, jaehyun drops to his knees. “no!” his head finds its spot behind his hands. “why did i walk in? i should’ve just kept my damn mouth shut!”
leehan rolls his eyes before walking to his distressed friend. his distraught state should bring concern but it’s an everyday behavior that leehan expects. “nothing was going to happen.”
yet, jaehyun continues to wail.
leehan grabs hold of jaehyun’s arm and helps him stand up. “c’mon, what did you want to get?”
jaehyun groans before fixing his posture. “i literally saw you two about to ki—”
“we weren’t!” leehan bites the inside of his cheek as he thinks back to today’s events. “nothing is going on between us.”
and there shouldn’t be anything because you two are just friends.
despite his defense, jaehyun frowns. “well, something is definitely going on!” he crosses his arms. “i saw it with my own eyes, so you better start saying something if you like them.”
but leehan shouldn’t like you. to him, you’re still jaehyun’s friend before anything—even before his friend—and he should respect that.
his silence speaks volumes, bring jaehyun to sigh. “i mean it when i say there’s nothing wrong with liking y/n. why are you scared?”
leehan has always admired his friend’s sensibility. jaehyun welcomes emotions, allowing himself to run on its highs and lows, walking around with his heart on his sleeve. admittedly, it’s something leehan wishes he could say the same about himself.
all his life, he’s learned to run away from vulnerability. he believes that emotions are inherently disgusting, almost sticky, and should be avoided at all cost. after all, what comes after vulnerability is a moment of inevitable embarrassment.
yet, it’s from jaehyun’s confrontation that leehan realizes he can’t run away from the waves anymore. soon enough, he’ll have to run to the ocean, allow himself to be consumed by the water, and let himself bathe in whatever he feels towards you.
but it’ll take steps for him to get to the sea. “let’s go get some froyo.”
so for now, he’ll continue to run until he grows tired.
leehan remembers the last time he felt this nervous; stomach churning and heartbeat racing with every second. it was for his final defense for his research study. he spent days locked up in his room, piles of clothes found left and right with a corner stacked with empty coffee cups. jaehyun likes to describe it as the great pacific garbage patch that leehan rants about.
who could blame him? with the panel of nitpicky professors, he only had his index cards filled with chicken scratch and his trusty fish keychain to rely on.
when he came out of the defense victorious, the keychain became a lucky charm. for difficult assessments. for life-changing decisions.
for you.
it shouldn’t be a big deal to leehan, but he holds on to the charm as he waits for you to pick up his call.
ever since he opened up to jaehyun about his confusing feelings, the situation is impossible to avoid. jaehyun claims that the tides leehan rides on are from his crush on you. although leehan still denies it, his friend takes it upon himself to push him across the shore—so long as he’s closer to sea.
“hello?”
“y/n!” his voice cracks, a cough following to cover it up. “hi.”
“oh! how’d you get my number?”
he drums his fingers against his desk. “i, uh, got it from jaehyun.”
“oh, okay. what’s up?”
leehan takes a moment to breathe as he grabs hold of the tickets. maybe he shouldn’t ask you. it would be better for taesan and sungho to go to this event like they originally planned. yet, he would only receive an earful of complaints should he back out now.
“leehan?”
“sorry, i just…” he shuts his eyes. “are you free this weekend?”
“yeah.”
his friends have pushed him across the shore. now, the water is close to his feet. all he needs to do is ask.
“do you, i don’t know, wanna watch the ponyo symphonic concert with me?”
a beat passes.
leehan’s heart races.
a moment of embarrassment.
he should’ve known better. how could he allow himself to be talked into doing this? he should run farm away from the sea—
“you got tickets?! how?” your squeal breaks him from his trance.
leehan chuckles, breathing unsteady, and says, “it’s a secret.”
“keeping secrets from me now? thought we were friends.” somehow, your playful nature and curiosity never fails to lighten up the mood—even if you never fail to make him nervous.
leehan could never think properly with you; he loses all common sense or composure, catching him off guard with every impulsive decision. “which is why i’m asking you out.” his eyebrows shoot up at the implications of that phrase.
“asking me out?” you giggle on the other end of the line. “like a date?”
“sorry, i mean—”
“i’m just messing with you,” you cut him off from his tangent. as he sighs in relief, you say, “but i’d love to go with you. send me the details.”
he smiles to himself. “i’ll see you, then.”
“okay, bye.”
once the call drops, leehan flops down onto his seat. as he stares up at the ceiling, he plays the phone call back in his head, and his cheeks start to hurt.
for once, vulnerability awarded him with something.
the sea has grazed his feet.
leehan thinks he sticks out like a sore thumb in the theater. considering that he’s never been here before, he’s grown conscious of his attendance to the symphonic concert. in these moments, he would’ve run away, ditched the event and locked himself in his room, but he made it through the night—all thanks to you.
in the unfamiliar, he’s able to find comfort through you.
“that was amazing!” there’s a skip to your feet as you exit the theater with leehan. “i think my ears were blessed.”
leehan chuckles at your joy. “i’m happy you think that.” as much as he would like to share the same enjoyment, his happiness stems from you.
people continue to make their way out, knocking shoulders against you two. “you don’t think the same?” you throw the question over the loud chatter.
“i’m sure you appreciated it more than i did.”
your nose scrunches at his accuracy.
the bustling crowd doesn’t die down, swarming the lobby even further with every second that passes. while you attempt to stand tall within the busy crowd, your faltering smile gives leehan enough reason to protect you.
he loops his arm with yours. “hold tight.” before you know it, he dashes out of the theater with you.
the breeze of the night hits his cheeks. a sigh of relief leaves you as you find yourselves in the open space. “thanks. i was scared that i was gonna trip,” you mention.
“i could tell.”
you laugh as you nudge your elbow against him. “oh, shut up!”
in these moments, leehan’s feelings towards you were pushed to the back of his mind. in these moments, you two are friends; nothing more, nothing less.
still, you latch on his arm, like tentacles, like sea anemones, almost like you can’t imagine letting him go.
leehan walks on the edge of the pier; between embracing or ignoring intimacy.
you both get in the backseat of your uber. with how late the concert ended, you and leehan fall into silence as the car drives off to your complex.
streams of fluorescent lights fill the window. the radio plays a soft melody that reminds leehan of the sea. he’ll look at everything, so long as your arm around his remains off his mind.
yet, all it takes is your head on his shoulder for him to freeze up.
a shaky exhale leaves him. his heartbeat fills his ears. when he looks over at you, he notices your eyes are shut. as a series of quiet snores escape you, leehan thinks back to jaehyun’s words.
why is he afraid of you?
in all the time you spent with him, you learned everything about him; his quirks, his habits, his unconventional interests. he swore that you would walk out on him, drift away like plywood in the sea, as you got to know him.
yet, you stayed through it all.
he should know better than to disengage with you the moment his fears come into play. without even thinking, he was villainizing you—every moment that teetered the edge of intimacy had only made him pull back like how seaweed rips through ship ruins.
in his eyes, the worst thing that comes out after intimacy isn’t the embarrassment—it’s the uncertainty that follows. there’s comfortability in familiarity; nothing ever goes wrong if he plays it safe. yet, his mindset may have upheld barriers that restrain your relationship.
leehan only understood that the moment jaehyun pointed it out. in all the time he’s spent with you, he’s never fully given you credit, assuming the worst about you the moment you do anything that encourages vulnerability from him.
and still, you welcome him with open arms.
what if you’re good? what if this is good?
all he needs to do is fall into the sea, plummet through the ocean floor, until he arrives at your embrace.
“we’re here,” the driver says as he pulls into the driveway.
to leehan’s surprise, your eyes open in an instant, catching him red-handed. in a split second, he looks away from you, a cough following afterwards.
when a soft giggle leaves you, he knows he’s only dug himself a deeper hole.
you both exit the car as you walk to the entrance of the builidng. for a moment, you stand beside each other, no word being said, and leehan wishes it could stay that way. he doesn’t want to say goodbye to this night just yet.
yet, you look at him with a smile, and say, “i really had fun tonight. thank you for thinking of me.”
“no, thank you for sharing your favorite movie with me.” leehan looks down to the ground as his foot kicks against the concrete. “i think it’ll be my favorite movie.”
“think you’ll end up loving it more than me?”
he smirks. “no one’s love for ponyo will ever compare to yours.” you laugh at his remark.
leehan notices how your hands fiddle with each other. he’s never seen you uneasy; you always carry yourself with confidence everywhere you go. yet, it’s in this moment that it hits him—were you just as nervous as him?
in all the times his fears got the best of him, did your doubts do the same to you? were your nights plagued with ideas of him in the same way he fell asleep to the thought of you? did you second guess every action, every instance, like he did?
but most of all, did you want him, too?
“okay,” you breathe out, “i’ll see you soon.”
once you turn your back on him, he’s left to watch your figure walk away.
there’s security in the familiarity. avoiding intimacy saves him from embarrassment and uncertainty. if he were to shift the tides at this moment, who knows what could happen between you two?
the sea grazes his sand-covered feet.
despite the unknown future, is diving into the ocean worth it for you?
before leehan can spiral into his thoughts, he grabs your arm and spins you around. your wide eyes meet his. as he pulls you closer to him, his arm finds their spot around your waist.
the distance between you two allows him to take in your features; your trembling lips, the jellyfish glow in wavering eyes.
at the same time, what could happen between you two?
as his hand reaches for your face, you melt into his touch.
the possibilities are endless; you’re the risk he’s willing to take.
with eyes closed, he dives to meet your lips; soft like how he imagined. it’s a slow kiss, one spent trying to learn you in ways he only thought he could in a distant dream. yet, leehan’s hesitance shows with every second spent exploring you.
when your hands rest on the back of his neck, leehan’s fears dissipate, a small sigh leaving him in between. at his relaxed state, you take the lead. your nose grazes his cheek as your fingers play with his hair. leehan grows dizzy, hand gripping your waist as he tries to keep up with you.
somehow, your lips felt familiar; he’s secured in you.
as you pull away, your erratic breathing matches with his. the sight of your lips that once interlocked with his only makes him want more.
he goes for one more, causing you to giggle, and he smiles in between kisses. your fingers dig against his shoulder as he savors the taste of you. how could he have denied himself of this? if this is what it meant to kiss you, he wouldn’t have second guessed diving into the sea.
you break the kiss, a grin on your lips that can’t match his. “took you long enough.”
leehan’s world doesn’t end in a meteor shower, or an alien invasion, or even through his descent past the ocean floor. past the sand, the dirt, the minerals, the core of his world is not molten lava.
instead, it’s a pair of arms that embrace him. wholly. flaws and all.
and leehan’s world doesn’t end, after all—it’s only begun with you.
networks tag list: @kflixnet @k-labels @onedoornet @kstrucknet
boynextdoor permanent tag list: @bonedors @0310s @whyilovewhales-pdf
story tag list: @bananielle @yunextdoor @heechwe @taesanrot
@loserlvrss @blooqz @mari3s @saintriots @koodaes
@seokkiez @candycane-lemonade @chewnotchoke
#works of moni#onedoornet#kflixnet#bjnet#k-labels#kstrucknet#leehan#boynextdoor#kim donghyun#boynextdoor imagines#boynextdoor x reader#leehan x reader#leehan fluff#leehan boynextdoor#boynextdoor fluff
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Top Student
Ford Pines x Reader
MINORS DNI
Professor Pines has seemed a little down lately. You stop by his office with the intention of raising his spirits, as well as… other things.
tags: professor ford au, teacher/student relationship, oral, multiple orgasms, biting, fdom/msub, bondage, praise kink, p in v, creampie
okay confession this is inspired by a crush i had on a teacher in my senior year of high school, dude was a total nerd but in like a hot way. i literally applied myself so hard for him that i finished top of the class, still got the medal to prove it lmao. i’ve always had a thing for well read older men and that ain’t ever changing!!!
You stood outside the door to your Astronomy professor’s office. As of late Professor Pines had seemed less like himself, appearing to be not nearly as engaged in his lectures. He covered the material just fine, but his passion for the subject matter just wasn’t there anymore. He always looked exhausted and worn out as well. Were it any other professor, you still would’ve cared, but there was an ulterior motive that led you to stand at his door. You gave a knock.
“Come in!” Professor Pine’s voice called from behind the door.
You opened it and took in the sight of his office. The room was softly lit by both a floor and desk lamp, giving the space a cozier feel than what overhead lighting could achieve. Well stocked bookshelves stretched to the ceiling and multiple PhD diplomas lined the walls, from what you’d heard he had accumulated at least twelve. His desk faced the window and a couch sat in the corner. You stepped into the room.
“Oh hello, y/n. What a pleasant surprise.” He said.
“Evening, professor.”
“Good evening to you too. Please, take a seat.”
You sat on the couch, it was almost far too nice for just an office. Professor Pines really went above and beyond to make sure his students were comfortable. He turned in his chair to face you.
“So, what can I do for you?” He asked.
“Well, to be blunt I’m a little worried.”
His brow furrowed in concern.
“I’m surprised to hear you say that. You’re doing incredibly well in my course. Don’t go spreading this around, but you’re top of the class. I promise you have little, if anything, to worry about.”
“No, I wasn’t talking about myself. I meant you, professor.”
He gave a confused chuckle.
“Forgive me, I’m afraid I don’t quite understand.”
You took a deep breath.
“You’ve just been so… sad lately. It’s subtle, but you seem distant during your lectures, like you’re just going through the motions. You look so exhausted too.”
Professor Pines fidgeted with his hands.
“I appreciate your concern, but I can assure you I’m doing just fine. I promise.”
You looked at him directly in the eyes.
“Professor…”
“I’m sorry, I really do value your worries, but the life of your professor isn’t something you need invest yourself in. You’re incredibly sweet, but seriously I’m fine.”
“I know depression when I see it, I wouldn’t be a good student if I didn’t care.”
He let out a long sigh.
“If I really cannot dissuade you, then alright. Just promise to keep this between us.”
“Of course.”
“Things haven’t been going well for me romantically. It seems to be one failed relationship after another. They start off great for a few weeks, or if I’m lucky maybe a month or so, but no one has seemed to enjoy my company long term. I’m not exactly romantically adept, so it’s more my own fault than them, but still I’m starting to lose hope of finding someone. I’m not getting any younger and at my age you become painfully aware of just how little time you have left in the grand scheme of things. It’s really starting to feel like loneliness might be it for me.“
“Oh, professor. I had my suspicions that it might’ve been something like this, but I’m so sorry.”
He gave a small, dejected smile.
“You know, I really thought I was doing my best to hide it. Foolish of me to assume that you, my top student, wouldn’t catch on with that intuition of yours. I apologize if it’s affected the quality of my teaching.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Oh goodness, no. You don’t need to do anything for me.”
“Are you sure?” You said, standing and coming close to him.
“Wh- what are you doing?”
“I suppose now is as good a time as any, but I’ve always found you attractive, Professor Pines.”
His cheeks turned a dusty pink.
“Um… I- ah- thank you. I’ve always thought you were incredibly attractive as well, but perhaps you shouldn’t be standing so close like that.”
You moved a hand to his chest, there was a slight firmness to it. You moved in closer, your lips brushing against his ear.
“I think I could benefit from some private instruction, don’t you?” You whispered.
His breath shuddered. You leaned down and kissed him, he moaned softly into your mouth before pulling away.
“N- no, this is wrong. I- we can’t do this. Look, you can sit back down and we can discuss anything pertaining to my class, or you can leave and I’ll see you for tomorrow’s lectu-“
You sat on his desk, spreading your legs and slowly pulling up your skirt.
“I know you want this as badly as I do.” You cooed.
“I can’t- oh dear god, you weren’t wearing anything underneath that skirt this whole time? Did you… plan this?”
“I just figured I could help out my favorite professor.”
You slipped a finger to your clit, Professor Pines watched intently.
“You’re so wet, is this because of me?”
“Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve touched myself to you.”
“I’ve seen a lot in my time, but someone as radiant and stunning as you with your hand between your thighs and dripping onto my desk for me is by far the least expected.”
“I don’t think you give yourself enough credit, professor. Do you know how many people would throw themselves at a silver fox like you?” You purred.
Professor Pines moved himself out of his chair to stand in front of you, he cupped your cheek, kissing you passionately.
“If your flattery is a means to get me on my knees for you, I’d say you’ve won me over.” He said as he sank to the floor, his face level with your pussy.
He allowed his hot breath to linger on you for a moment before dragging his tongue up your dripping lips.
“You taste so good, sweetheart.” He said, his mouth finding your clit as you tangled your fingers in his hair.
Despite claiming to be romantically inept, he certainly wasn’t at pleasuring his lover. You had no idea what his past partners didn’t see in him, he could be as awkward as humanly possible, but his looks and skilled tongue would keep you cuffed.
He stopped for a moment and looked at you.
“How does that feel?” He asked.
You stroked his cheek.
“You’re so good for me.” You praised.
Your praise seemed to invigorate him, he returned his mouth and tongue to your clit, lapping at you furiously.
You felt yourself growing close and you tightened your grip on his hair. You moaned loudly as you came, bucking yourself against his face. He held your hips steady, keeping his mouth on you and making you cum again in record time. He refused to stop, not even allowing you to catch your breath before making you cum again and again until you lost count. Your ears rang by the time he removed his mouth.
“Holy fuuuuuck. You’re incredible, Professor Pines.” You panted, your final orgasm subsiding.
“Please, just call me Ford. After making you cum on my tongue that many times I think we’re past the need for formalities.” He said as he stood to kiss you.
“Well then Ford, how about we move this to the couch?” You said as your hearing fully returned to normal.
“But of course, sweetheart.”
He picked you up underneath your thighs and sat on the couch with you straddling his lap. You felt his hard cock press against you through his pants as you kissed him passionately, pulling down the turtleneck of his maroon sweater. You were about to bite his neck when you noticed a cartoonish tattoo of a smiling star giving a double thumbs up with the words “Hey now, I’m an all star.” You failed to stifle a laugh.
“What is it?” Ford asked.
“Nothing.”
You bit down on him, he gasped.
“Oh god, no one has ever done this to me before. People my age aren’t nearly as adventurous.” Ford whimpered.
You laughed again.
“You think that’s adventurous? Let me ask you something, have you ever been dominated before?”
He blushed hard.
“I- no, never. My partners have always preferred I take the dominant role.”
You kissed him deeply, biting his lower lip as you pulled away.
“I’m about to blow your mind, Stanford Pines. Now lie back.”
He followed your command, shifting himself to lay on the couch with you still on top of him.
“You ever had someone tie you up before?” You asked.
He looked away, embarrassed.
“…Not in a sexual way.” He mumbled.
You raised an eyebrow.
“Just what were you doing before you became a college professor?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Guess I’ll just have to fuck the information out of you.” You teased.
“You drive a hard bargain, my dear.”
You unbuckled his belt, pulling it free from his pants. You pinned his arms above his head, looping the belt around his wrists and fashioning it into handcuffs.
“How’s that, not too tight?” You asked.
“No, it feels snug.”
“Good.”
You let your hands travel to his pants, unzipping them and pulling out his cock.
“Goddamn, your previous partners are idiots. Who would pass up a cock like this?” You said, giving him a few strokes.
“Mmmnn, your hand feels so good.”
“I think I know something that’ll feel even better.”
You moved yourself to hover over his cock, slowly sinking down his length. He throbbed as you reached the base of his shaft. You looked down at him and smirked, staying still.
“Y- you can’t just sit there with my cock inside you and not move. Don’t tease me like this.” Ford whimpered.
“I need to hear you tell me how much you want this.”
“Please, I need you.” He said as he frantically attempted to buck his hips.
You pulled yourself off of him.
“No no no, please no, you can’t stop now.” He whined pitifully.
You cupped his chin, your thumb stroking his lips.
“You have to beg. Tell me just how badly you need your top student to fuck you.” You commanded.
“Oh god, please y/n. I need you. I fucking NEED you. Ever since that first day you walked into my class I’ve desired you so intensely. You don’t know how many times I’ve had to stroke myself because I lay awake at night thinking of you. I’ve even touched myself in the lecture hall between classes after seeing you sit in the front row in those little skirts, crossing and uncrossing your legs, your panties just barely visible. I’ve never longed for someone the way I have for you. Please fuck me, I can’t take much more of this.”
“Ugh you’re adorable when you beg, music to my ears.”
You took his full length back inside you, he let out a loud gasping moan as you began to lift and drop your hips.
“Thank you, dear Moses thank you. You feel so good, s- so warm and tight.” He shuddered.
You slipped your hands under his sweater to his nipples, pinching and tugging them. He was a mess of moans and whimpers.
“You like that, smart guy?” You purred.
He looked up at you in surprise.
“Did I say something?” You asked.
“No, I just- it’s funny, you’re not the first person to call me that, but I like it far better coming from you than I did him.”
“That’s my good boy.” You purred.
You felt him throb hard inside you.
“Nnngh, no one has ever said that to me before. Your praise alone could make a man cum.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind.”
You gripped his shoulders, moving your hips to fully slide him out and back in over and over. Your name left his lips with a moan and he looked up at you, eyes full of pure lust.
“Oh god, just like that. Don’t stop, don’t ever stop.” He whined.
“So needy, you’re doing such a good job for me.”
You felt him throb repeatedly as his moans and whimpers increased in volume and prevalence.
“I’m so close, m- may I cum in you? I need to know what it’s like to fill you with my seed. Please, y/n.” Ford begged.
“Very good, handsome. I didn’t even have to tell you to beg. That alone deserves to be rewarded.”
You picked up your speed and felt the pulse of his cock one final time as he came deep inside you. He bucked his hips, trying his hardest to go as far in you as he could.
“Y- you’re s- s- so incredible.” He stuttered.
“And you make for one hell of a ride, handsome.” You purred, stroking his cheek.
You pulled yourself off of him and he looked down, his and your cum had completely stained the front of his pants.
“Oh god, we’ve made a mess.” He said, putting his hand to his forehead.
You giggled at the sight of him.
“Don’t laugh, you’re wearing a skirt, you can get away with it.” He groaned.
“Sorry, I just like the idea of leaving you with a little reminder of myself.”
Ford took your hand.
“You really are amazing, sweetheart. No one has ever come close to feeling like you.” He whispered.
“Yeah? How would you like to do this again sometime?”
“R- really?” He asked.
“Oh without question.”
“Then by all means, feel free to stop by tomorrow. Perhaps you could let me see you sans clothes next time.”
“Good boy, sounds like a plan.” You said, leaning down to kiss him.
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Romance: Daemon and Nettles.
I've cracked the code. (not really)
Daemon and Nettles are written as a romance in fire and blood. Whether it was or wasn't, go argue with the bards.
But here's how it's structured:
A. Daemon is an epic lover throughout the narrative and Nettles as someone who lives up to his hype in a few months.
B. Then they're sent away together. How or why it ended up being them is never stated in the narrative.
C. Maidenpool is just framed as a strange time for them. Yes, we get Septon Eustace explaining the accusations, but he's the worst:
1. Mushroom is the Pro Black voice and the only one who explicitly calls them lovers.
2. Maester Norren says that Daemon doted on Nettles as a man would his daughter, but his words immediately draw parallels to the relationship Daemon had with a young Rhaenyra, who he ended up in a sexual relationship with
3. The words used from the discussions of Maidenpool never discredit their relationship. "More than fond," "no matter how foul her treasons," "the prince would burn Maidenpool in his wroth." It's always framed as and I use this with a pang of disgust,"Touch her, and you die." If Nettles is harmed in any way, they'd have to kill Daemon or face the fact that he'd kill them.
4. They disappear with the impossible choice. I'm so sorry, but no one knowing what happened during their last night together was a purposeful inclusion.
5. Black rams and final goodbyes. The whole black ram is Daemon thing, and the fact that she's crying leaving him and there isn't a word between them but Caraxes screeches and breaks Jonquil's tower in the place where the famous love story occurred.
6. Daemon calling Aemond to fight only after Nettles has left. Something we are told is fatal by himself.
7. Does Daemon live?
I hope not, but it's a story peddled by the bards of the narrative that he survives and lives out the rest of his days with her as a love story. We are told it's unlikely in the narrative, but we are told it regardless.
Their's is a love story, in the sense that that's the way it is written. The lens it is explained within the narrative is one of a love story where either way she's saved by him or later safe with him.
Whether you believe it or not, whether we like it or not, it is what we get. This is where I think a lot of confusion comes from. They are written as a romance. If you believe it, there is support. If you don't, you can deduce from the story what was likely instead of listening to the bias you interpret (in the sense that class, race, gender, status, etc) and if you think they are father and daughter, oh?
#hotd#house of the dragon#nettles#nettles asoiaf#netty#a song of ice and fire#daemon targaryen#daemon x nettles#almost confused myself with the understanding#dad daughter is the least logical conclusion#that 'girl' is grown and doesnt have anyone that would make that relationship make sense before daemon#that man is not right in his mind to be a good father substitute#maidenpool#lets consider every other alternative#never have i seen Daemon's character and said “oh what a good dad” lets analyse that#fuck the bards#nettles thoughts
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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I am pretty sure I am a lesbian
#my attraction to men is almost entirely to feminine traits in them#appearance or personality#masculinity doesn't often get it for me#the men in my life I'm attracted to are less masculine in action and that's what I'm attracted to first#so either I'm bi with an intense lean for women#or I'm a lesbian#I think#this is stupid and confusing#I just want to understand myself better#I just want to know who I am and having things to call myself helps but also if those things fall outside of what I've 'known' of myself#I get frustrated and uncomfortable#I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to but that's 99% feminine people#my gender is girl but also not girl but also not not girl
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i feel like i've accidentally socially experimented on myself the past 1,5 months and i gotta say... yeah, not seeing yourself represented in media to a meaningful extent genuinely takes a huge emotional toll on you like right away
#to be clear this is not something i did not know and there are many ways in which i am still so heavily underrepresented#there is literally no way for me to surround myself with content that represents those parts of me#certain parts of me*#but the stark contrast of me watching almost exclusively queer content for years#and then suddenly ending up in an environment where the overwhelming majority of couples i see are straight#has affected me in a way that i was slightly confused about at first#(i understood that i want to see more queer couples but i didn't understand where exactly that *need* was coming from)#until i sat down to watch pit babe today and i literally physically relaxed like bro these boys are kissing???#i feel so happy and relieved all of a sudden what is that#archer speaks
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the relationship rich people have with food is so funny my landlords bought a box of single serving bowls of sticky rice from costco and it's been tantalizing me for months. they forgot about it apparently immediately after purchasing it and when i leave it here they will undoubtedly be surprised by this rice they assumed was mine. and this is a very mild example of things they have bought and left in my fridge (their extra/garage fridge) and instantly forgotten about. at least this one is shelf stable and not rotting meat for me to clean up
#not that i don't forget about things obviously but never to that scale because i couldn't afford to do that lol#i've thought about eating it MANY times those little bowls are so convenient#and i have gotten the exact same thing for myself previously so i understand why they would get confused i just dont understand how you#me#could buy food and then just never eat it. they do this with everything of course not just food#theres an unsustainable amount of electric bicycles and cars and like a dune buggy and scooters and jet skis and so forth around here#and they just Have all that shit. almost all of it is in perfectly fine working order just barely used worth more money than i've ever had#in my life. gathering dust for the most part#rich people live on another planet fr and these ones aren't even proper rich like the guy had a high ranking position as a vet at uc davis#and his wife did real estate or something. and this property is worth a couple million to be sure but like theres this and then there's#the people at the top of the mountain who it's rumored are connected to the gates family/microsoft and those cunts have a whole helicopter#*remembered it wasn't davis but it was one of the ucs#insane.... and then there's me and i have $200 in my bank account lol#cats
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the last time i felt emotionally fulfilled in a friendship was when i was 15, and before that when i was 13. im turning 21 next month
#my current close friends are really great but my depression gets in the way and it's really hard to tell them about my feelings lol#so i basically make my chronic loneliness worse by distancing myself and isolating etc#they still like me though... weirdly#well probably bc we're all mentally and emotionally unwell! we get one another's issues#but i cant bring myself to say a lot of things i would otherwise want to... since i feel so misunderstood#even when i have tried to talk about things they just dont process them the way im hoping they will#and it's not their fault!!! it's my fault for expecting someone to understand exactly what im saying when i say it#i almost always find words for things. i describe them in detail. and i think thats where things get too unique and too confusing actually#so they cant personally understand#like i said. not their fault!#i just miss this one friend i had briefly in 8th grade#i was getting outcasted from everyone in my own class. she was in the classroom next door#i don't remember how we crossed paths but we did and she was so smart and so understanding#and we just clicked#i remember running in a field with her. she was so.. everything#i miss her#and when i was 15 i remember talking about all of my mental issues with this classmate and we immediately saw each other as mirror images#it was crazy... we also had a lot of interests in common and we looked out for each other#she's doing a lot better nowadays which is why we're no longer in contact probably#it's hard to be friends when one of you is stuck in one place so i dont really blame her#we drifted apart anyway. i bet if i asked she'd still make time for me a few times a year#i just didnt ask because it felt like the mutual understanding we had ended#shes a different person now. and for the better too! i shouldn't interfere in her happiness#z.post
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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Fun facts for those of you that follow my peachy chronicles (not that I update abt my life recently but lmao): But I went from being upset i wasn't being treated well/right by people to now putting down my foot and stating my needs/wants clearly without room to misunderstand me.
And I think that's super important progress! The problem is is that now I'm seeing p clearly how and where people treat me and it's not very fun! I'm v good at compromises and am super patient! And I'm realizing people take that hella for granted and it's like. Dude.
Im just happy I'm figuring it out! Being autistic and people being my special interest is,,,hard bc I know where ppl perceive me and how ppl can use that and it's just,,,
Gosh idk! I think it's great progress but strange.
#princess talks#Knowing ppl perceive me as childish doesn't hurt my feelinfs bc sure hey i am! i love dolls i love plushies i love pink and cute junk#i get excited at the smallest things! etc! thats okay!#its the infantilizing and almost fetishizing thats hurtful#like im not a child and im also Not your manic pixie dream girl uwu hypersexual dream#but im now able to CATCH and SEE it and can make myself clear#but im also noting i always Have and Had made myself clear and open to clarifying further and it was taken advantage of to confuse me#hurtful! but now that i can see it i can really put my foot down#even in my romantic life! but thankfully Sprite is such a good listener and gotten so much better at communicating#its startling in a good way! that someone loves me that much theyre going to figure out how to work with me#and my beloved friends that understand my communication style can be odd! aivaiva i know i ask SO many questions#i just learn ppl better that way! and im so grateful to my buds that understanding that im like a lil interviewer#and im so glad i have friends that also let me know if smth is uncomfortable right away! clear communication!#bc ive been going through this hardcore ive been going through rough mental gymnastics but now im inching back intk hang outs#and im SO excited to hang out wiyh friends again! let it be known i am so grateful to yhe ppl aroujd me that dont make fun of me#i really appreciate it!!#anyeay thats all lmao
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Staring at the screen repeating I have to take this class. I have to pass this class. I have to take and pass this class. Like a mantra
#I do t want to do this stupid assignment. I have sat down like 4 different times on different days and can’t make myself do it. but it’s#one of 2 maybe three major assignments so if I don’t do it I will almost assuredly fail or if I not just barley pass#it doesn’t help that this professor has graded literally nothing this semester despite having given the most assignments so i literally dont#know if I can afford to not do this. and not all of the assignments are up yet so I can’t even guess based on how well I think I did/need to#do for future ones. so basically I have to do this and I don’t want tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo#I’m bad at memorizing!! and I don’t like on purpose performing. it was bad enough being me how the fuck do you mimic someone else’s movement#I talk with my freaking hands and that’s like. I have to move my hands in specific ways ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#it’s too fucking early in the semester for a project that makes me want to kill dude. save this shit for november.#I don’t understand how or why this teacher is confused with her high drop rate. if I didn’t need the credit I’d have dropped this class alre#I should’ve taken a fuckin. online public speaking class if I’m being so fr. that would’ve been so much easier this shit blows.#comms class from hell#prsnl
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reluctantly unmuted the canes on twitter for ✨reasons✨, and immediately got a canes reporter's tweet at the top of my dash, upon refresh. yay .. can't wait for this new era 😐
#i fear i can no longer ignore the reality of things#i've been staying quiet bc everyone is happy about it but i Am Not#take a shot every time i mention how i used to be a canes enjoyer because of a certain ✨someone✨#and these certain people ended up on the same team last year#and this year one's on the other's ex team and the other's on the one's childhood fav team#i love confusing myself by typing these without using names lol#not even sure why i'm avoiding them atp it started with simple reasons then got so complicated that it almost cancelled everything out#anyway. maybe i'll continue to stay quiet bc i don't really know what to say or how to feel anymore#haven't posted about ✨him✨ in 7 months. what's 7 more right?#i've said i will never stop loving him and i meant that with my whole heart i will never stop wanting what's best for him#i'm not even sure i'll ever love anyone as much as i've loved him. truthfully. it's that serious#the reason i understand what true love even means is bc of how i've felt for him for.. my gosh. 8 years now?#that doesn't even sound right. what the fuck. EIGHT YEARS????#i wanna be supportive but as a habs fan and someone who's been pissed off by c*rolina one too many times.... idk man !#idk. idk.#i think he's playing tonight so yeah i'm probably just gonna watch and support him this szn but won't be vocal about it online#it's the fact he went to one of the selective teams that are an absolute hell no for me lmao#we can make peace for just this season i suppose 🙄#the number change honestly makes it a little easier#rants
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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Honestly, if you ever feel like you're just not comprehending.
CONSIDER,
It's a COMMUNICATION issue! It's not your fault. The information needs to be absorbed in a different fashion.
If you can not answer the question. Then, they asked a Bum question. No doubt in my mind.
#cubicle#send halp#office jobs#confused#they're wrong#you're right#communication#i felt so stupid for almost 15 minutes as the instructor says “common guys we discussed this”#couldn't hold myself back#I said they asked a bad question about simple data and immediately was backed by half my class#ask them to word their request differently#don't be hard on yourself when they refuse to communicate differently to ensure understanding
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