#alloaro antagonism

[aroworlds]

This is something of a sequel to my original essay on being loveless.

It's also a discussion of the ways love is wielded against allo-aros, the a-spec community's ongoing conflation of love and attraction, and the impact allosexual aromanticism has on my lovelessness.

Because too often, unfortunately, I see loveless aromantic identity communicated and celebrated so as to exclude me, and other allosexual aros, from it.

I hope that's something we can begin to change this Aro Week.

[alloaroworlds]

It rarely occurs to me to tag my content as "#aspec".

Which leads me to wonder: have I so internalised the idea that being allosexual makes me not really a-spec/not-a-spec enough that I feel my content about being aro and/or allo-aro doesn't belong there?

When I look over my blogs, I use "#aspec" or "#aspec community" on posts where I'm discussing the a-spec community's ongoing erasure of allosexual aromantics or making pride images featuring a-spec-specific flags. (As in: flags designed to depict the concept/identity of "a-spec", not the many identities beneath its umbrella.)

I can't find many usages on posts that are about being allo-aro. Like where I'd tag allo-aro fiction posts as both "#aromantic" and "#alloaro", I don't also also tag them as "#aspec". Why haven't I?

Because, as said above, I do not feel as though artistic expressions of allosexual aromantic identity and experience properly belong there. I believe I'm a-spec enough to chafe at how I am treated in general a-spec spaces ... but I don't believe I'm a-spec enough to fully participate in the a-spec community by sharing/promoting my creativity. I'm too allosexual, even though I'm aromantic, to not feel as though doing so means invading someone else's space.

(Let's be direct: I feel as though doing so means invading asexuals' spaces.)

I hadn't realised, until this post, just how much I'd accepted and participated in my own erasure from a-spec identity.

And that's troubling to say the least.

I feel like, as an alloaro talking about alloaro stuff, I'm not allowed to tag my posts "aspec" despite the fact that I am aspec and being alloaro is an aspec experience

[aro-culture-is]

alloaro culture is learning about maslow's triangle in school (which is usually a nightmare anyway) and your teacher says that promiscuity is just a result of not meeting the "belonging needs" and causes people to just go look for a connection for a little bit and then move on to someone else and wanting to scream because maybe they just like sex and not relationships???

.

[alloaroworlds]

Dear @fuckyeahasexual,

I hope you can appreciate how distressing it is to me to see the hurt and rage in my allo-aro community right now. It’s distressing to see my fellow allo-aros feel once again dismissed, ignored and erased. It’s distressing to see the post that provoked that feeling, to have my identity and my pride in my identity brushed aside as though allo-aro can’t be as meaningful to me as ace is to you.

It’s distressing to feel, again, the reasons why our shared a-spec community is not a welcoming space for allo-aros. It’s distressing to feel, again, the depth of allo-aro despair at seeing our asexual kin show such a woeful lack of understanding of allo-aro identity and experience. It’s distressing to be reminded, again, how we are expected to share the a-spec community with people who are not only ignorant of us but routinely hurt us because of that ignorance.

You say that you want the chance to “safely listen, process, and understand how to better serve my community”. Assuming that you mean “our shared a-spec community, which includes asexuals and allo-aros as members deserving of equal inclusion, recognition, safety and respect”, good! Because right now, you are not serving the entire a-spec community. As right and acceptable as it is for you to focus on aces (just as I focus on aros and allo-aros on my accounts), it is not right and acceptable for you to perpetuate, overlook and maintain ignorance to allo-aro antagonism in the process.

You have a position of high visibility in Tumblr’s a-spec community. Because of that, you have a duty of care to not harm all a-specs. Even when talking about or referring to asexuals alone, as is your right to do.

This means you need to learn about allo-aro community, identity, experiences and, yes, erasure and antagonism. Even when--especially when!--that erasure and antagonism is perpetrated by asexuals.

So, where can you start in learning about allo-aros?

https://aroworlds.com/allo-aro/

In particular, I’d have you check out these pages:

https://aroworlds.com/2019/03/22/allosexual-aromantic-erasure-a-guide/

https://aroworlds.com/2019/09/17/allo-aro-manifesto/

https://aroworlds.com/allo-aro/allo-aro-post-archive/

http://aroworlds.com/allo-aro/allo-aro-community-directory/

(Please! Go to other allo-aro blogs and read through them! Go check out our tags like alloaro! It won’t be a pleasant experience, I acknowledge; we have a lot of anger and nowhere else to voice it! But it is necessary that you develop a thorough understanding of allo-aro experiences, erasure and antagonism as part of your role as a highly-visible, well-known a-spec Tumblr account. The best way to do that is to expose yourself to many different allo-aro voices.)

No, the above isn’t a complete resource. It is by and large the perspective of one allo-aro (me). My website is a place, however, where you can start to get to grips with some of the issues we navigate on a daily basis as members of the a-spec and aro communities.

And if you’d like to learn more about lived allo-aro experiences, you needn’t stop at web articles when I also have a post collecting my allo-aro fiction:

https://aroworlds.com/2019/01/15/fiction-collection-allo-aro/

I sincerely hope you do more in future to understand, support and protect allo-aros, because you have too often shown yourself ignorant of allo-aro antagonism. This absolutely has to change.

Regards,

K. A. / @alloaroworlds.

[raimi]

Hey aro community y'all'll want to block @saint-dionysus. I'll reblog with a link to the post that's the reason why. (cw for arophobia, aro erasure, allo-aro antagonism, non-sam aro antagonism, misuse of the term TERF)

[aroaceconfessions]

It bothers me so much that there's so many posts about how alloaros/aroaces/alloaces are "stealing the spotlight" from their fellow aspecs when most of the posts that they're probably referring to is based on that specific person's experiences being aspec. There would be posts from alloaros complaining about how aroaces are either actively excluding them and how it's seen all around the community, and it hurts me. There would be posts from aroaces complaining about how alloaros and alloaces are alienating them and how it's seen all around the community, and it hurts me. It's not a prevalent issue, but it happens enough that I keep noticing it and it's bothering me.

Some of the issues brought up by these posts are valid and should be discussed but they're sometimes said in a way that feels like they're trying to antagonize other aspecs instead of bringing forward a healthy discussion about these issues. It makes me feel like we're just actively trying to tear each other down rather than supporting each other. It makes me so upset.

Sorry if this is a bit of a rant, I'm just getting tired and frustrated of seeing these posts.

[an-aro-without-an-ace]

An Essay On Alloaro's

Before I begin this stupidly long post, I want to add a disclaimer. This post is going to talk specifically about alloaro issues in the community, and only those issues. Everyone one in the aspec community faces issues that deserve to be talked about. That being said, there is a trend in the community to focus on issues skewing more towards asexuals and aroaces. So this post is for those who are rarely talked about. Alloaro's.

With that out of the way, lets begin. The aspec community encompasses two seperate communities of identity. The Acespec Community, asexuals and their spectrum. The Arospec Community, aromantics and their spectrum. However their is this common practice of using aspec in reference to only the Acespec community which is problematic in a few ways. This discourse has been coming up again recently with people claiming that aromantics are included under asexual using aspec to refer to asexuals. This is aromantic erasure, but it also has a heavy impact on a smaller community within the Arospec Community. One thats often forgotten about and the topic of this post.

The discourse around aromantics being under the asexual identity is extremely alloarophobic. It erases us as an identity as it implies that to be aromantic you have to be asexual or be irreversibly linked to asexuality. Its gotten to the point where "Not all aro's are ace" isn't enough to drown out the arguments, which in all honesty it never was enough. Discourse has turned into antagonism against a small community that barely ever gets its voice heard.

If you've made it this far, wonderful. Now, I'm going to break down issues we face inside and outside the aspec community and hopefully how to fix them.

Lack Of Informative Alloaro Centered Content

Its seen all the time. Aspec and LGBT positivity and informational posts simply forgetting the existence of aromantic identities or even worse, when alloaro representation ends at "Not all aro's are ace". To be clear, we have terminology that can be used beyond a single sentence of representation. Terminology that can helo those who may be questioning their orientation and are unable to even find posts about being allosexual and aromantic. How can we fix this? Simple. Acknowledge our terminology. Instead of saying a single line about us, mention us as who we are. Allosexual Aromantics.

Our Representation Being Flooded Over

I want you to imagine for a second you are in the shoes of a questioning alloaro. You've struggled with your aromanticism and don't know if thats even who are, or if you're just a "late bloomer". So, you turn to the aromantic community to try and learn about others experiences. Thats when a knot forms in your throat. As far as you can tell, almost all of the most shared, acknowledged, and featured content around the community is either blatantly asexual or aroace. You know for a fact you aren't asexual, and now you've found yourself reinforcing the idea that you can't be aromantic because of that. Just imagine that for a second. This is something tons of alloaro's have gone through before discovering that such a line of thinking is false.

How many times have you seen posts talking about how the aromantic tags get flooded with purely asexual content? Or that other aromantic identities are forgotten over the vast majority of the community favoring aroaces? This is a massive issue, and it just reinforces the idea that aromanticism and asexuality are connected or are requirements for eachother. Alloaro content and posts get burried under a slew of aroace and asexual content. Content that sometimes doesn't even get tagged as aroace, but just aromantic, making it nearly impossible to filter out for alloaros who want the allosexual part of their identity acknowledged. A passage from @aroworlds "Allosexual Aromantic Erasure: A Guide" says it best.

"Aro-aces deserve the right to see aro-ace content in aromantic spaces, but we need to address this imbalance in terms of what content dominates and how it impacts allo-aro participation in our shared community. Only then can we renegotiate a relationship that doesn’t tend to allo-aro erasure."

How can we fix it? Simple.

If your content doesnt substantially mention aromantics (more then just a sentence tacked on at the end), do not tag it aromantic. And for gods sake, NEVER tag purely asexual content as alloaro.

If your content is aroace, tag it aroace or include asexual in your tags. This allows alloaro's who want to see more representation of their allosexual identity to blacklist the term asexual in their feed. It also helps differentiate the content from being seen as aromantic and nothing else.

A Refusal To Acknowledge Or Talk About Alloaro Experiences

I've said it before and I will say it again. The alloaro experience is fundamentally different then that of aroaces, asexuals, and other identities in the Aspec community. ALL EXPERIENCES IN THE ASPEC COMMUNITY are different and simply assuming that since you've mentioned aroaces or aromantics means that you covered everything is erasure. The way we experience our aromanticism is changed due to our allosexual identities. In the aspec community, it's almost more accepted to be aroace then it is to be alloaro. In spaces for aspec discussion alloaro's often have to filter out their allosexual experiences in fear of offending or making someone who isn't allosexual uncomfortable. Rarely do you ever see a space for alloaro discussion and as a result our struggles often go unheard or even ignored by the community.

Lets take a moment to mention what we face, so that we can at least get the acknowledgement we deserve.

The coding of sexual attraction and sexual acts being inherently romantic

The vilification of sexual acts without reciprocal romantic attraction

The assumption that FWB is societal representation of alloaro's

The unspoken community caution around talking about sexual attraction or sexual experiences in the aspec community, even when tagged as aromantic or given proper warning to asexual members

Being labeled as predatory by society and even within LGBT spaces and communities

A lack of even the slightest education on how to go about sexual encounters without romantic intent in a healthy manner

The flooding of sex negative content in the aromantic tag (along with simply asexual content as a whole)

And much more I could mention but the list would drag on forever. How can we fix this? Simple.

Create more spaces for alloaro discussions and boost content that shares our struggles. Never assume you've covered our experiences because you've mentioned aroaces. Never assume you've covered our experiences because you've mentioned aromantics without specifically talking about alloaro's. Help change the atmosphere of the aspec community to make it more acceptable to talk about sexual experiences in aromantic spaces because they are not the same as asexual spaces.

Closing Statement

There is alot more I could talk about in this essay but its gotten to a length in which I doubt anyone would actually read further so I'm going to wrap things up. All aspec issues and experiences deserve to be discussed, bo matter what identity it centers around. However, that means they deserve to be discussed equally. Whether intentioned or not, refusing to acknowledge the differences in alloaro experiences is erasure, and it harms us as community. We need to elevate the voices of those who go talked over or unheard in our community. We need to stop the harmful ideas that come about when a community for all aspec identities is dominated by the views, opinions, and experiences of one side. The Aspec community is for Asexuals and Aromantics. Two separate identities with their own struggles, experiences, needs, and lives. If we can acknowledge that, and stop lumping ourselves together as if the other side doesn't exist, we can come together as a community.

Everyone deserves a voice, so lets give them one. One we're willing to hear out.

[shades-of-grayro]

My problem with current intracommunity issues (tm) is the way how the most vocal alloaros approach it. I would happily acknowledge and support some of their criticism, but it's hard to take them seriously after years of doing nothing but spreading vitriol. I've hardly ever seen any attempt to create something positive (e.g. discord for alloaros, flag). I'd like to see more of that, more of creating positive spaces, not destruction. (1/2)

(2/2) I know there are nice alloaros out there, in fact, I'm sure 99 percent of them are decent people, but their voices are hard to hear over couple of loud and angry alloaros. If they want to save the image of alloaro community, now is the time to take over.             

Honestly I don’t have an issue with people being angry about issues that negatively affect them. Especially on their personal blogs where they are venting and whatnot. I know I’ve certainly gotten quite upset about issues myself, I just generally have people encouraging me to find more productive outlets for that, and I tend to vent in more private spaces.

What upsets me most are the actual issues they complain about, for example:

blaming aces for the lack of alloaro resources, when aces have no place creating alloaro resources, so how is that their fault?

accusing aces of stealing words that aces in fact coined

recycling standard ace-antagonism with a veneer of “I’m alloaro and we’re oppressed by aces so I can say whatever I want”

But anyway, I’ve met more alloaros getting involved in organized activism and community building than I could name bad-faith actors on the internet. And they all have seemed to get the politics of at the very least playing nice as to not alienate people who you want to ally yourself with.

So, I’d try to keep reminding yourself that these people you’re talking about, while the loudest voices on Tumblr, are not the end-all-be-all of the allo aros trying to make a difference in the community. They’re not the majority. They’re just a loud minority that feed off the negative environment that tumblr creates. I promise there are plenty of allo aros out there making a positive difference in the aro community, whether you see them or not.

[saltyaro]

topsydead a réagi à votre billet “Arophobia and the ace community: a few bullet points”

I'm alloace. I haven't seen this behavior in other alloaces but it is concerning and I accept the call to action. It's clear that people don't understand the SAM and don't acknowledge aros. What can I do to help?

You probably don’t realize you see it because you’re not the...target? of arophobia, but I would be very surprised if you’ve actually never encountered it! Maybe you’re really lucky.

I’m glad you’re willing to challenge this habit, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you concrete advice. I’ll try though.

From my point of view, because ace people are oppressed under our society’s assumption that everyone feels sexual attraction, and are often seen as subhuman because of that, there’s this kinda desperate desire to be seen as still valuable “despite” the lack of sexual attraction. As a result, alloaces kinda rely on their romantic attraction to gain “approval” from other people and society. That’s because romance is seen as the most important thing in people’s lives, so, from an ace’s point of view, it makes sense to...double efforts, to “make up” for the lack of sexual attraction? I think it’s important to first realize “why” amatonormativity and arophobia are so rampant within alloace’s communities. Of course, that it’s something understandable, doesn’t mean it should stay that way. That’s my hypothesis on the matter: not necessarily that the alloaces’ arophobia is stronger than in the general population but rather, that the emphasis on romance and amatonormativity is pushed more obviously. If that makes sense. So, the arophobia is extremely visibly and harmful to us (especially because of our shared spaces).

So yeah that’s the way I do things, I try to understand the systems behind things. This is the first step, now what to do?

I’d say, try to train yourself to recognize the assumptions of romance. Try to do a parallel with the sexual assumptions, the systems are very similar. Not going to lie, this is gonna be difficult, because amatonormativity is very strongly ingrained in us, to the point where we perpetuate it without ill intent. It’s pretty sneaky. For an example, you can take the sentences like “we can still love!” as part of this shit. The concept of soulmates, is another instance (yes, even when people try to argue soulmates can be platonic, doesn’t change anything). Or, the constant invisibilization of aroaces/using them as tokens. Everyone’s different, but as a general way of thinking, it’s pretty disrespectful to assume aroaces prioritize their ace identity and will relate to alloace posts. Idk, I’m not ace (i used to identify as aroace though) so it may not be my place, but back when I was in the ace community, everything just seemed so...focused on being in a romantic relationship while ace. It’s not bad to have these resources, they’re needed, but if your blog/activism focuses on that, then it’s not “ace activism” but “alloace activism”. Nothing wrong with that, just, don’t pretend any ace can relate. Aroaces can’t, and I’m sure a lot of non-Sam aces can’t either. Basically, does the post (or anything of the sort) assume “ace” means “alloace”? If yes, then it’s alienating. 

Those behaviours are also harmful to non-ace aros, of course. Because we’re sibling-communities, and (allo?)aces have more visibility than us. If someone places romance over any other kind of relationship, this is amatonormative. Beware of that, don’t ignore it. Obviously no one can be on edge 24/24 but it would be nice to have some alloaces challenge those thoughts!

Basically, before you can do anything, I think it would be useful to read through some aro blogs! There’s mine of course, but I’m a non-sam aro so it could be cool to also read from aroaces and alloaros. We all have different experiences with the ace community. 

Challenging those thoughts takes a lot of work. Stop putting romance on a pedestal, challenge any relationship hierarchy that pretends to be universal - it’s fine if it’s personal I guess but not if it’s supposed to be the norm - and challenge the very idea that what makes us humans is love. Regardless of the type of love I’d say. 

As another example, when you have an ace character in some kind of media with no explicit romanticism...don’t assume they’re alloace. If you know the content the character it’s from, read critically. Maybe there’s no answer but there often is. I’m thinking Jughead, who’s either non-sam ace or aroace, but without romantic feelings anyway. When shitterdale straightwashed him a lot of people were like “he can still be ace! We can still love!” when...yeah, but he’s supposed to be aro to. The “ace” part wasn’t what we were worried about. Same thing happened with (I think, don’t take my word on that) Raphael from Sh/adow hunte/rs, and again, the alloace community rejoincing for the ace rep. How shitty is it to rejoice over the erasure of an aro character? This second example wasn’t great rep from the start apparently, but yeah. Still an asshole move. I also think it’s important to be critical of how all ace rep either is, or is washed to be, alloace rep. Alloace rep is cool and important, but not at the expense of aroaces. Also, I think it’s worth mentioning that aro characters aren’t made to be alloaros so there’s definitely a double standard. Bo/jack for an example, “became” alloace when a lot of aroaces related to him at first. That’s what he was coded as but the ace community pushed against it and the creator decided to make him allo (probably in good faith!). 

So yeah, maybe try to react when alloaces get angry when people draw pride art and. Draw the ace flag as a single person, because again “ace” doesn’t mean “alloace”. The “ace” community is shared by allo aces, non-sam aces, and aroaces. 

Please be aware if you see di/s/k h/orse things, when ex/clusio/nism is discussed, of the aromantic erasure that always happens. Even when the ex/cl/u mentions aros, the inc/lu’s answer systematically ignores that part. There was this survey last year, on this topic, and it was shown that people who include aces do not necessarily include aros. Of course, I didn’t see any alloace mention that, even though they showed the results to be all “see everyone/most people think(s) we belong!”. Without mentioning that very important and very telling aspect. I would have loved it if an alloace had mentioned it, and had tried to open a discussion about it! But I didn’t see it happen. I know this is a very specific example, but basically, I think what would be nice, would be for some alloaces to stick for us aros whenever something like that happens. I’m not saying to actively look for such things, but if you follow ace blogs, you’re going to see it happen. 

Oh and also, I don’t know what’s your stance on this, so I’m going to write it just in case but. “Aspec” means aro + ace. It comprehends everyone: non-sam aro, non-sam aces, aroaces, allo aros, and allo aces. It’s not the same as “acespec”! It’s really erasing us aros whenever someone uses “aspec” to mean “acespec”, it’s alienating us from our own community. There’s the aro community, the ace community for our specific, different needs, but the aspec community is supposed to be our shared community so. Definitely “call out” (by that I mean comment on) people who do that! They may not have bad intents but the result is still here, and it’s just. Spreading everyday, and pushing aros further under the bus.

So yeah all it boils down to is, try and comment/reblog posts that antagonize us? Within the limits of your energy and mental health of course. And maybe try to spread knowledge about what amatonormativity is (I have a tag but you can also google it, there’s an easy to find definition), why it’s harmful, and how it operated, within the ace community. As an alloace, maybe you’ll get more attention than aros (whether we’re also ace or not, people don’t listen to us). I personally think it would benefit everyone (including alloaces) to get rid of amatonormativity but for now, pointing it out - whether for yourself or in a more public manner - should be a good beginning. 

I...hope this answers your question? 

[godlessace]

Does the aro community care?

cn: ace & aro community politicking

I’ve been pointed to a thread on arocalypse, on the subject of QPR revisionism—in which people claim, counterfactually and unnecessarily, that the term “queerplatonic relationship” originated in aro communities.  Although a lot of the thread consists of established community members making it pretty clear they don’t actually care about the problem.

That’s fair, you care about the problems you care about.  But it’s strange coming from a community that wants the ace community to care about their problems.

I run a popular ace blog, and I have a standing offer to promote content from the aro community.  I was also part of precisely the community that actually did coin “QPR”.  So it seems that we care about aro community problems, but established aro community members don’t care about our problems.  I can’t make any credible threats to stop promoting aro content, because the truth is, my offer doesn’t coming from a place of altruism.  I promote aro content because I know our readers want to see it--because they care.

But I will say this.  QPR revisionism is often incidental, a single sentence in a larger post about some other aro concern.  I will silently blacklist these posts.  My actions will have no impact whatsoever, but I must do it out of principle, same way I must blacklist posts that incidentally include antagonism towards grayros or alloaros.  So that’s that.

[aroworlds]

Whenever I react to posts about representation that throw me under the bus as a sex-favourable, non-partnering allo-aro, I'm always asked the same question: do you have resources for writing allo-aro characters?

But there aren't many resources that focus on writing allo-aro characters (as opposed to our being included in general resources for aromantic characters). As a believer in the truth that almost any type of character can be written in stories with a sufficient amount of different allo-aro characters, most resources don't fit my philosophy as both an allo-aro and a storyteller. I've also long felt that, when it comes to allies writing allo-aro characters, the "ally" aspect is far more important--and less often discussed--than the "character" aspect.

So, for Aro Week, I'm posting a two-part series about how I think allies to allo-aros should go about the process of writing allo-aro characters.

I want to stress that these posts are not for or directed at own voices creators. (I'm not comfortable with the idea of telling other allo-aros how to go about their work!) It's also likely that other allo-aros disagree with me on some or many points when it comes to how our allies write allo-aro characters, and that’s fine: just like in anything else, we have no monolithic viewpoint on representation. Only though having lots of different conversations, and all the missteps such conversations inevitably entail, can we muddle our way towards (something close to) a conclusion.

Link banner image description under keep reading:

[image description: link banner features handdrawn illustration of a yellow pasture against a background of hills and sporadic trees. Scene is overlaid with the dark green/light green/white/yellow/gold stripes of the allo-aro pride flag. The text Aro Worlds Discussion Post sits across the image in a black, antique handdrawn type, separated by two ornate Victorian-style black dividers.]

[arotaro]

Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're feeling so rough rn. From one alloaro to another, your feelings are completely legitimate, and the antagonism between aces and aros, and by extension alloaros, aroaces, alloaces and non SAM using aspecs isn't something we should be sweeping under the rug. That said you should definitely take a break if you need one! Self care is an important part of activism. I promise there are lots of us who care about you

Thank you, I appreciate that

[aroworlds]

Hallo, Aro: Antagonist

For the second day of @aggressivelyarospec‘s #aggressivelyarospectacular event, I have another Hallo, Aro story: a series of (mostly) flash fiction stories about allosexual aromantic characters navigating friendship, sexual attraction, aromanticism and the weight of amatonormative expectation.

Contains: A trans, heterosexual aro who realises that his story's self-designated heroes leave him one role to play.

Content advisory: This piece focuses on the intersection between allo-aro and trans antagonism as wielded or weaponised by some cis women against those trans people they deem too masculine and/or insufficiently feminine (with a "man = predator" undercurrent). Please expect sex-negative/slut-shaming language, exorsexist language, antagonism directed at heterosexual aromantics, trans erasure and depictions of/references to amatonormativity and misogyny. It contains moderate, somewhat-explicit sex mentions and references.

Length: 1, 579 words.

After an hour spent in agonised wakefulness, Cai surrenders to temptation. He isn’t careful as he slides out of bed: Sarah slept through a slew of buzzing notifications, after all! Nor does she stir as he fumbles in the dark for yesterday’s jeans; she slumbers peacefully despite the jangling as he grabs her handbag from the floor and their phones from his bedside table.

How can she sleep? How dare she?

He hesitates in the doorway, fighting the urge to shout, yell, roar … but the phone in his hand vibrates, and he looks down despite knowing better.

Well? Is CB as slutty as said? I’m dying to know!

Compared to earlier messages, it’s almost a compliment.

No. Cai releases a long, shuddering breath. Queer folks support a trans, het, aro musician if his songs and persona remain relatable to the cis women who see him as a softer, safer, not-quite man; that same audience will regard anger as proof of his becoming the enemy—of testosterone poisoning. If he wants to survive Sarah with his career intact, he can’t be marked as aggressive!

Years passed before Cai reached this pinnacle of playing at queer-friendly clubs while scraping enough from online subscriptions to cover rent if not medication and dentistry. Years.

Shivering, he heads to the kitchen.

***

Sarah approached him after his set—less common an occurrence, these days, but hardly unusual. She smiled, her curls bouncing, before asking if she could buy him a drink. They talked books and music, delighting in a shared hate for jingles and post-modernist fiction. Her self-deprecating sarcasm made him laugh so hard that he snorted lemonade across the table. When she hooked her ankle around his before running her hand up his thigh, Cai had no reason to think she wanted anything but to hook up.

She was imperfectly good, salvaging awkward moments through a willingness to goof around. Some past partners—Lenora!—regarded sex with such sacred solemnity that they may as well have fucked to a drama film’s orchestral soundtrack. He doesn’t understand profound; he understands girls slapping his arse. Something as simple as horny people getting off together. Something as complex as fun.

They slept, afterwards; Cai woke to a buzzing sound. Her phone lay within his line of sight, and he couldn’t avoid reading the message on the glowing screen: Did you go through with it? Do CB?

He assumed that Sarah texted a friend from the bar … until the second message.

I can’t believe you’d even touch that after all those girls. You’re brave, hon! Waiting for your post!

A flood of questions and comments arrived over the next hour. While Sarah slept, Cai discovered himself the subject of her friends’ mocking derision. A filthy, notorious fuckboy about which Sarah planned to write in the name of protecting the women he lures to bed … but, this time, after the courageous diligence of her own research.

A user who discards women after sex.

(An aromantic.)

***

The kitchen offers no sanctuary, just yesterday’s dishes and a flickering light bulb. Cai slumps onto a stool, placing bag and phones on the crumb-covered bench. Every nerve in his body thrums. Smothering a twinge of morality with wounded anger, he opens her purse in search of licence and bank cards.

Sarah Williams.

Common as names go, but while Cai can’t unlock her phone, the visible push notifications reveal her friends. That, after a little snooping, gets him her website: a collection of posts, reviews and submissions dissecting local queer events and artists. She even maintains a helpful list of “problematic” creators … where Cai learns that she’s attended most of his gigs, recording the number of women with whom she saw him leave.

How is it that a trans man who sings about misogyny can’t see that using women for sex is a misogynistic act? Is it, perhaps, because men don’t experience it?

While humour pervades her conversation, her socials provide the same brutality as drinking from a bottle of rubbing alcohol and crushed glass. Nonetheless, Cai—despairing at his once-wise decision to limit social media in favour of writing—keeps scrolling. It doesn’t matter that most partners haven’t sent anonymous submissions; it doesn’t matter that some accusations are so obviously exercises in reaching that any sensible person must laugh. He can’t look away.

“Fuckboy” puts it kindly.

CB ghosts women after fucking. Women and non-men avoid.

Dated me for two years only to drop me after transitioning. Immediately began to slut around. Men, right?

True, in a way.

Cai, in his only long-term relationship, tried to oblige the expected motions of romance and womanhood. He hoped, over time, to find the nebulous something that made Lenora speak of their femininity-forged bonds. He wanted to love her. He tried to love her! But despite her worshipping at the altar of lesbian affection, he found nothing but alienation and confusion; a belief in gender as construct didn’t make “woman” feel less false when applied to him. No amount of butchness made “sapphic” feel like his welcome truth.

Only through questioning his gender and discovering his transness did Cai find the path to questioning his orientation and discovering his aromanticism.

He thought Lenora understood his halting explanations. He believed they ended the relationship as peaceably as a heterosexual aromantic and a lesbian alloromantic can. He never imagined that accepting himself as a man who likes to sleep with women but doesn’t wish to date them would result in a bitter story stripped of language and context.

(Does he use his aromanticism to justify predatory behaviour? Has he become nothing more than a heterosexual man preying on women—a man who uses his transness to deny his misogyny?)

He only stops reading when his phone slips from his shaking hands. What to do? What? Beg Sarah to stop writing about him? Pretend to want to date her? Explain that he’s never romanced a woman for sex? Provide an impromptu lesson on amatonormativity, sex negativity and the precarious position aromantic heterosexuals occupy within the wider queer community? Just ask her why?

Have Sarah’s posts already circulated beyond her network of friends?

He wants to cry, rage, scream.

Nobody ever asked Cai, before sex, if their developing feelings for him may present a problem. Should he start asking, alongside the usual queries on safety, consent and preferences, about the likelihood of his partners later complaining about the sex into which they willingly entered because … what? Because he’s passed the acceptable number of casual partners? Because Lenora feels betrayed by his not being an alloromantic cis woman?

Yes, he has ghosted some women after they kept pressing for a serious relationship. Yes, he can learn to better explain his lack of interest in non-casual sexual relationships. Yes, he should focus his attention on the women he knows aren’t after anything serious instead of accepting a friendly stranger’s invitation.

(Even when she says nothing about her expectation to date … or her online denigration of both his sexual history and his experiences as a trans man.)

Will these changes make him less "creepy" without his needing to become alloromantic?

***

“Did you take my bag?”

Cai turns to face the doorway. Sarah stands before him, dressed in last night’s skirt and top, her heels held in one hand. Hard eyes glare at him from above flushed cheeks.

“You went through my things?"

Don’t get angry. Cai exhales and glances at the window, morning’s light peeking through the shutters. Hours spent sitting and thinking offer up no solutions: how does one fight against hatred when already cast as the story’s villain?

Male. Heterosexual. Aromantic.

Evil.

He barks a laugh. What option has he but to lean into the role? Realise that his years spent making himself acceptable to the queer community have gained him nothing but lasting fear? Acknowledge that the only way to appease Sarah and all like her is to become something he isn't—alloromantic? Question the nature of what determines “moral” and “immoral”—because the supposed moral guardians reject his right to speak about misogyny as a trans man?

(If many cis men endure less criticism for the same consensual sexual behaviours, how does Cai not experience it?)

Did he endure the anguish of coming out only to bow in terror to those wielding a second set of erasing strictures?

He’s an aro trans man who likes casual sex. A fuckboy. Justifiably angry.

(Isn’t she a queer cis woman who instigates casual sex with known fuckboys while justifying this to her friends as “research”?)

“Aren't you going to say anything—”

Cai drops Sarah’s phone inside her bag, clasps the handles in his sweating palm and walks into the tiny, cluttered lounge.

She races after him. “Don’t you walk away from me—”

Breathing heavily, Cai opens the front door and hurls the handbag onto the cold, dewy front step.

It lands with a cracking thud; Sarah’s lips part, her face rigid with shock. “You fucking creep! If you’ve broken—”

He steps away from the door, placing Sarah between himself and the doorway before walking forwards like a dog nipping at a flock's heels, leaving her with nowhere to go but backwards. “You write me into your stories as the antagonist. Why are you surprised when I decide to become one?”

His slamming the door in her face must provoke several vicious posts.

It also provokes Cai’s satisfaction ... and fear of costly consequences.

[alloaroworlds]

Allo-Aro For Allies: Link Post

It says something about Tumblr’s culture of activism that my “can you please first read through our blogs and tags if you want to learn how to be an ally to allo-aros” post provoked certain asks in response. What you think I can do to be a better ally to you? Can you recommend any good informative/resource posts allies should check out? Since my post discussed what allies can do to support us and educate themselves before asking questions, it’s hard not to feel like some folks completely missed my point.

The lesson is that my future safety and acceptance as an allo-aro in a-spec spaces is too dependent on my ability now to present and re-present information. (Irrespective of the limitations on said ability, which was why I wrote the post in the first place.) So please find a list of the activism-focused posts I’ve written on this blog. I insist, though, that this post only serves as a launching-off point for your investigating and supporting other allo-aro bloggers, activists and creatives. This post collates only one person’s view on being allo-aro and it does not (and should not) stand for a whole community’s activism.

For further information and resources, tags specifically relevant to allo-aros include #alloaro, #allo aro, #allosexual aromantic and #allosexual aromanticism.

In terms of learning what it feels like to be allo-aro, the best way to learn really is to read through our tags and our blogs! There’s so many expression and identity posts you’re missing out on when you don’t! It’s also worth keeping in mind that most allo-aro resources are going to be grassroots and informal: Tumblr posts. If you’re waiting for fancy websites and mainstream journalism discussions, you’re doing allo-aro activists right now a grave disservice.

Allyhood and How to Ally

Why posts encouraging allo-aros to do the labour of correcting and educating our allies isn’t true allyhood.

Why allies framing allo-aros as a valuable addition to the aro-spec community, as opposed to our being unquestionably part of it, provokes further feelings of alienation.

Why it’s important to give allo-aros non-activist posts and spaces to vent to each other about our experiences, alienation and frustration.

Allo-Aro Alienation, Erasure and Antagonism

A list of forty-five ways allo-aros are erased in a-spec and aro-spec community spaces.

Why the flooding of aromantic tags with asexual-only and non-aromantic content is an accessibility issue that denies allo-aros equitable access to our own spaces.

A screencap essay demonstrating some of the asexual-only content dominating aromantic tags and how it makes me feel as an allo-aro.

Why it bothers me to see asexuals using my allo-aro posts to start conversations about asexuality and asexual activism.

Why “aro-ace” doesn’t mean “a-spec”, and why we need to avoid sexualising discussions of sexual attraction in a-spec spaces.

Why accusations of “splitting the community” or “hating aro-aces” in response to allo-aros voicing antagonism or erasure is doing nothing to benefit the aro-spec community.

Why the assumption that allo-aros have a complete or even any separation between our allosexual and our aromantic spectrum identities alienates many allo-aros.

Why I feel required to check my allosexuality at the door in order to participate within the aromantic community as an aro-spec.

Several allo-aros talking about the need to push aside our allosexual experiences in order to engage with the aro-spec community.

A-Spec Community Inclusion and Terminology

A list of ways in which you can make your a-spec community more welcoming to allo-aros.

Why it’s important to use “allosexual aromantic” alongside “non-asexual aromantic” in positivity and informative posts when referring to allo-aros.

Why “allosexual” is a word without contention in the aro-spec community and a hesitancy in using it is harming allo-aros.

Why I think “allo-aro” means “someone on the aromantic spectrum who experiences and/or wishes to equally centre their sexual attraction”.

My feelings on feeling a-spec enough against a context of a-spec community language not being made by or for allo-aros.

Why the historical, erasing use of “asexual community” meaning “all a-specs” requires asexuals to clearly label asexual-only spaces.

Why you need to specifically mention that your general aromantic community, project or event is inclusive of allo-aros.

Why “aro” as a non-SAM identity is open to any aro-spec, including allosexuals.

My allo-aro manifesto, part one: terminology definitions and a-spec community expectations.

Creative Media

@arotaro​​​ created the dark green/light green/white/yellow/gold flag gaining prominence as allo-aro-specific pride.

My free to use watercolour version of the above allo-aro flag.

The tag #alloaro on my aro-spec creative media Tumblr, @aroworlds​​​, collects a range of allo-aro stories, crafts and visual art pieces.

Hallo, Aro is my ongoing flash fiction series about allo-aro experiences and the intersection of aromanticism with sexual attraction. You can find these stories on Tumblr, on my WordPress site and as a PDF or EPUB ebook.

Love in the House of the Ravens is my serial novelette about an autistic allo-aro character’s discovering his aromanticism. You can find installments on Tumblr and on my WordPress site.

I also have a master post collecting all my fictional works with allo-aro narrating protagonists. All of these pieces are available for free as either stories posted to my website or downloadable digital books.

Lastly, in light of the time it took to collate this post, I’ll mention that I have a ko-fi account and I enthusiastically and desperately welcome all purchases of digital beverages. I’m a multiply disabled, trans allo-aro who is not as supported by our government as I need to be to pay my bills and fill my prescriptions, so this is how my allies can help me stay alive to keep making resources like this post.

If you can’t support me financially, then I’d be grateful if you would consider reblogging my allo-aro book master post, my aro-spec book master post or my Hallo, Aro stories. These posts--not my community discussion pieces--are what let me grow my audience for a future of being able to market my creativity.

Thank you for reading and thank you for your support!

[alloaroworlds]

The aro-spec community has been talking about the problem of asexual-only content in aromantic tags since I made my @aroworlds blog a year ago--March 2018. I’ve got posts about it on both my aro-spec blogs. Nor was it a new conversation when I started talking about it.

Yet now that allo-aros and non-asexual aro-specs are starting to have some sense of community presence and connection, it’s earning outright antagonism or dismissal from some of our aro-spec kin--either a complete rejection of the idea that this is any kind of problem or a requirement that we get over it because of course tags collect non-relevant posts.

I think it’s worth framing this way: we’re not really talking about solely asexual content in aromantic tags. We’re talking about solely non-aromantic content in aromantic tags. It just so happens that the biggest offenders for placing non-romantic content in aromantic tags are the creators of asexual content, both from asexuals and allosexual-alloromantic LGBTQIA+ allies. It’s not disconnected from the way the aro-spec community evolved from the asexual one, the way asexuality is regarded as a essential quality all aro-specs are expected to connect to and/or possess, and the way everything under the a-spec umbrella is held to be an asexual-centering space by both many asexuals and many otherwise LGBTQIA+ allo-allos. But the core of the problem is this: aromantics are asking that aromantic tags don’t include solely non-aromantic content.

(Again, because I am required to state this for my activism to be taken seriously: I am not asking aro-aces to not tag aro-ace content as “aromantic”, but I am asking that you also tag it as “aroace”. Just like allo-aros, generally, tag our posts both “aromantic” and “alloaro”.)

The reason we’re asking this isn’t because we’re allo-aros, non-SAM-aros and/or non-asexual-aro-specs alienated from conversations about asexuality, even though many of us are. We’re asking because it’s hampering our ability to fully interact with our own community--and it even more adversely impacts disabled, neurodiverse, time-limited and poor aro-specs.

What do I mean? Well, any given aro-spec has an upper limit for how long they are able to scroll through a tag. This upper limit is shaped by free time, ability, access to devices and access to internet. To use myself as an example, I’m a physically-disabled aro with chronic wrist, hand, thumb and shoulder pain, and I’m not able to use a mouse to scroll for more than a couple of minutes. I can scroll a bit longer on my iPad, but I still have a limit for how much content I can see before my pain flares. If I’m looking for content to reblog, there is absolutely an uppermost limit as to how many posts I can view before I have to stop looking.

People who lack time, who have to use their data judiciously or have difficulty with concentration and focus will also have difficulty if they want to check aromantic tags for rebloggable content or just more conversations about being aro-spec. All aro-specs will have a limit on how many posts they can scroll through, but for aro-specs like me, that limit is much lower.

When that tag space just features aromantic content, it’s only my disability that limits how much I see, and that’s nobody’s fault. It’s frustrating for me, as I can’t keep up with all the posts and conversations I wish to, but it’s not a problem anyone else caused.

When that tag space is dominated by non-aromantic content, the number of posts I am able to scroll through doesn’t change, but I see far fewer posts relevant to my needs. I am forced to spend my limited energies on scrolling past content, in my own space, that is non-aromantic. I see far fewer posts that are relevant to the reasons I’m in that tag in the first place. I am denied my baseline access to community conversations relevant to my experiences as an aromantic.

Non-aromantic content in aromantic tags--and there’s quite a few that are impacted this way--shouldn’t be seen as a situation where allo-aros are just complaining about spam. It’s a discussion about equitable access in a world where the requirement that we have to scroll past so many non-aromantic, non-relevant posts in our own online home is an unreasonable and ableist one.

When I see people talking like this isn’t a meaningful issue, all I hear is a willingness to throw disabled allo-aros like myself under a damn road train. No, I know this isn’t what you mean to provoke, because you don’t understand how my disability and my allo-aro identity intersects, but that’s how I feel. Hurt. Disregarded. Ignored. My ability to have and expect a baseline level of interaction with my own community isn’t seen as an important issue, and that’s a hard thing to bear.

When I add to this that a lot of general aro-spec tags include far more aro-ace content than allo-aro content, which is nobody’s fault but a general state of the community at present, allo-aros and non-asexual aro-specs have no reason to feel welcome or included in one of the major ways the aro-spec community communicates amongst ourselves--our tagging system. I don’t expect aro-aces to stop talking about being aro-ace in aromantic spaces, but the concerted effort as the aro-spec community to educate our fellow a-specs and otherwise LGBTQIA+ allies about not placing non-aromantic content in aromantic tags would go a long way to change what is right now a state of inequitable access for non-asexual aro-specs in general aromantic community spaces.

The halting of the proliferation of non-aromantic content in aromantic spaces is about enabling as much access to the community as possible for as many aro-specs as possible.

I’d like to see fewer conversations focusing on asexuality and more conversations focusing on allo-aro/non-asexual aro-spec access, because that is the real problem when non-aromantic content clutters up our tags.

[alloaroworlds]

Just so folks are clear: anon hate will be deleted without response on any and all of my blogs. I don’t reward cowardice by giving your words my time and the audience of my followers. You’re not seeking a conversation or an exchange of ideas. You’re not wanting to understand me. You’re not wanting to gain my understanding. You’re just looking to silence someone in the most gutless, craven, pathetic way while lacking the courage to attach your name to your words, and that says so much more about you than it ever will about me.

It also says something horrific about the aro-spec community that allo-aros who are talking about problems we have with the a-spec and aro-spec communities are now getting anon hate messages.

My fellow aro-specs: step up and make it plain to your followers that the sending of anon hate messages is not and will never be acceptable behaviour in the aro-spec community.