#all i could think of was shrek 2!

[thatlesbiancrow]

JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE MARIO MOVIE AND HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY LOVED IT

[orcelito]

The constant struggle of needing to continue my trimax reread so I can get working on the next ITNL chapter vs the wish to keep playing stardew valley

I started this new game not even a week ago but I'm midway thru the first fall and already married to Sebastian. And so it goes 😂

[gifti3]

i enjoy blank slate MCs in romance games cause it leaves room open for self-inserts and OCs and allows fans to be creative and fill in gaps! but outside of that it makes me go damn most of these characters only started liking MC cause of what they do for them huh :p

[mv1simp]

Into It ♥️ Part 1 of 3

Max Verstappen x Girlfriend!Reader

i'm into it, yeah, says she wanna fuck me later, girl i'm into it

the one in which you’re newly dating your gorgeous boyfriend, max verstappen, after months of pining and flirting. he’s the perfect gentleman, so romantic and treats you just right! now how do you tell him that you’re desperate for mad max to come out and rail ur insides without sounding like a freak 😚

Content includes: 18+ MDNI, smut but this time with some plot lol, reader essentially is just trying whatever tactic she can to seduce her bf and make mad max come out in bed, size kink, dom/sub elements, 4k WC

PART TWO HERE ♥️ PART THREE HERE ♥️

You look up blissfully at your boyfriend, Max, from where you’re tucked into his side, his strong arm scooping you against him and keeping you warm. You’re rewatching an old classic, Shrek 2, as you wind down from your dinner plans with your friends earlier than evening. Lando and Daniel had joined as well, teasing you and Max mercilessly about how you two were finally together and that the whole F1 grid had been placing bets on when you would make it official.

You had flushed in a combination of embarrassment and giddiness, unable to hold back a matching laugh with Max who had looked over at you with an adoring gaze, his own heart warm with happiness about finally being able to call you his own. You two had run in the same Monaco circles for years - with him as a driver and you on the McLaren legal team. Though initially you only saw glimpses of him through paddock interviews or social media posts celebrating his multiple winning streaks, the two of you had become a lot closer the past couple years through his friendship with Daniel and Lando. Soon enough you were joining them at weekly Padel sessions, leading to you and Max exchanging funny cat memes or popping online to decimate him and Lando on a Call of Duty stream and then eventually onto deeper conversations, from his latest breakups with his model girlfriends or quiet ramblings with a bottle of wine outside a booming party about the pressures of demanding fathers.

Of course, tongues were wagging anytime you two were seen together - especially when Max had his first time in years being single for months before you had gotten together. You couldn’t deny that you had always thought the older Dutch man was incredibly handsome and funny, always full of interesting facts about niche topics, and you found his intensity and passion for his racing career so attractive, as a high powered professional yourself as a lawyer for a luxury car brand’s executive board. But you had always curbed any growing feelings you had for Max, paranoid that it would compromise the strong friendship you two had developed. Besides, given his affliction for dating vogue models, and his respectful gazes or polite touches compared to the much more flirtier ones from other drivers on the grid, you had never thought max considered you attractive.

But somehow, despite both your busy schedules, despite max being across the globe, you always ended up calling each other first to share sad, happy, or even just boring news. You had never once imagined that after winning his most recent championship the first person he came looking for in his celebrations that night was you, his face flushes from champagne and hugging you tightly, his eyes shining with warmth as he told you he couldn’t have won it without you and suddenly you could no longer deny the rapid palpitations of your heart when you looked up at him. And as he looked at you, thumb gently brushing across your cheeks, warm breaths mingling together as your faces drew closer, he couldn’t deny himself any longer either - Schat, all I’ve been thinking about is what I really wanted for my prize instead of this trophy. Can I kiss you now?

And the rest was history. Fast forward a few months and it’s still so surreal to call Max your boyfriend, you think, as you come back to the present, watching him fondly as he chuckles at the movie. Dating him has been a dream - he’s your first serious relationship, your standards too high to waste time with any of the subpar guys you had gone on first dates with before - and wow, did Max know exactly how to knock all of those standards out of the park. He would always drive and pick you up anywhere you wanted, in his sleek luxury cars that had pedestrians gawping, one large hand on your thigh and asking how your day had been. You had literally stopped taking your wallet out anymore as Max always slammed down his black Amex at any opportunity to pay for you - dinners, trips, jewellery and luxurious shopping sprees - and although the staunch feminist in you had initially disagreed you couldn’t help but feel so cared for, so looked after - knowing all you needed on a night out was one hand around his arm and the other clutching a pretty little Chanel purse he had picked up for you at last month’s race weekend, with a matching Dior lip gloss inside. If you were ever having a hard day at work he would always order your favourite foods straight to your apartment, where he would meet you and bitch and vent alongside you about whichever client had been giving you grief.

And my god, the sex - THE SEX with your man had been absolutely amazing. Considering the difference in your past number of relationships, max was keenly aware that he had a lot more experience than you and was so unbelievably sweet and patient - letting you take all the time you needed to go slow and work up the confidence gradually to ask for what you wanted for him. Your first time together had been incredibly romantic, a night at a private house he had booked out for the week on the Italian coastline. After a candlelit dinner and a bottle of wine you found yourself in his lap on the outdoor chaise, soft kisses turning more and more heated, max whispering are you sure, liefje? If you’re not ready-

to which you had cut him off with another deep kiss, pleading for him to make you his once and for all ❤️ His eyes had flickered with a deep intensity at your possessive statement before softening out to adoration again as he gently unlaced your dress and trailed kisses down your body, worshipping you. you’d both cum embarrassingly faster than you’d have liked, high off the feeling of one another, max cleanly finishing inside a condom he threw away before carrying you in his arms to the bedroom inside. Since then, you’d both figured out you had a combined very high sex drive, using every opportunity in your schedules to make love, max never hesitating to always make sure you came first, either on his fingers, tongue or cock. You had the perfect boyfriend. Truly. You couldn’t ask for anything more, yet -

- yet, here you were, feeling like an absolute bitch about the recurrent thoughts that had planted in your mind as you watched max come out of the bathroom freshly showered, getting ready for bed after finishing a gaming stream with his mates following your Shrek 2 viewing. The issue was that your boyfriend - your incredibly hot, sexy, tall Dutch boyfriend - was so stupidly enticing but so oblivious that he has no idea what he did to you. You bit your lip as you looked at him, hair dripping wet, distractingly saying something to you while texting on his phone - but your mind was only fixed on how big and strong Max looked. Your boyfriend was much bigger than you, almost towering over you at 6”1 with your 5”1 frame. His athletic training currently during the season meant he had been looking extra delectable lately, defined abs, thick muscular thighs and a broad shoulder and back that narrowed down to a narrow (or as Lando joked, slutty) waist, highlighted now by the grey sweatpants hanging low on his hips that did nothing to hide the sizeable bulge in between his legs. It was undeniable that he was packing, to the point where you had called it his third leg after first seeing him naked, making him laugh but also take even more care everytime he entered you - you were a lot smaller than his previous partners, after all. He always made sure his pace was gentle and slow, avoiding fully entering you too much in worry of causing you pain. Truly, your boyfriend was too sweet - everything he did was to avoid causing your any pain or distress - which is why you felt too embarrassed to ask him directly to be rougher with you when he was simply looking out for your comfort. It has been perfect for you initially, but now you felt more adjusted to his size, and each time you slept together you felt yourself becoming more and more desperate for Max to be just a little bit rougher, a little bit more controlling. What would he think when his usually sweet, happy go lucky girlfriend admitted she actually fantasised about him completely ruining her? So, of course, you being you - an ambitious feminist - have decided to hatch a conniving strategy to seduce your boyfriend into giving it to you just right!! 💕

Starting tonight - you had already planned to spend the night at Max’s, relaxing after the hectic work week you had both had. Often, you wore his comfortable hoodies that dwarfed you and smelt just like him as you cuddled in bed. Instead tonight you wore an angelic pink lace Agent Provocateur nightie, bows and all, pushing your cute tits up on display for him and complimenting your caramel skin perfectly. Enough to drive Max crazy, right? Sitting against the plush pillows, you had been reading one of your steamy dark romance novels - your latest outlet these days while you manifested getting some back breaking sex with Max - but of course had ended up distracted by the sight of your himbo boyfriend emerging from the shower.

-Schat? So what do you think? Max finally looked up from his phone, making you come back to reality and realize you hadn’t been answering his question. Max’s eyes widened seeing your pretty little form on his bed - he had never seen you wear an outfit like that in bed before. He cleared his throat, inconspicuously shifting his stance so you didn’t notice his hard on at the sight of you when you hastily stumbled to reply - Oh sorry maxie, I missed what you were saying, just a bit tired after today

Max immediately came to your side in bed, looking guilty. Of course Schat, sorry, I’m keeping you up with my gaming stream aren’t I? You had such a long week already, we can go straight to bed now. You cursed your own slip up - of course, your sweet Max would put your comfort first over what you were sure looked like mission successful given the rapid hardening of his bulge you had zoned in on.

You try again as Max dims the bedside lamps, taking your book gently away from your hands and setting it to the side. You lean softly in next to him, fluttering your eyelashes up at him, tits right up against his hard biceps so that your breasts are basically cushioning his arm right in between them. Your nightie rises up your legs, showcasing your soft, luscious thighs for him. Max smiles lovingly at you, cradling your face before peppering your cheeks with baby kisses. You look so pretty, sweetheart. So sweet to wait for me before falling asleep, mein Schat.

You lean in further, lips pouting in an effort your boyfriend would finally catch the hint but instead you found yourself gently maneouvered and tucked into his side, his large hands rubbing soothing circles along your back as he placed a final kiss on your forehead. Goodnight, darling. Your eye twitched at his definitive words, perplexed at how your plan had been so unsuccessful, but you sighed and wished goodnight to Max, falling asleep and already plotting for another day.

A couple of weeks later you decided to up the ante. A sexy, bold crimson red lingerie teddy set, practically see through and showcasing your tan nipples through the lace and mesh, and a pathetic excuse of some lacy red panties to match. You smirked as you eyed yourself in the mirror - sure, it was quite a forward look, but you had found yourself becoming increasingly more desperate for your boyfriend’s attentions after attending his Monaco race today. You did your best to attend the races you could but with your own demanding schedule often struggled to make it, so were very excited to support your boyfriend this time - especially as you had been keeping track of how this season was difficult compared to earlier years given the poorer quality of the RB car. Your eyes had widened at seeing the events this weekend - a string of bad luck events. First, his engine had stalled during free practise, making him lose precious practise time, and then a red flag had been called as he was finishing an almost perfect qualifying lap, ruining his chances of pole, and finally during the actual race he was clipped on the side by one of the Aston Martin’s, making him spin out but still incredibly go on to get P2. It was amazing result given everything, but what caught your attention was a side of your boyfriend you had only every heard whispers about emerge on the track. In the past, you had only attended races he had easily won, appearing calm and collected throughout the weekends as he cruised to P1 - easily overpowering everyone else. Today though - Mad Max, his fans excitedly cheered and paddock staff gossiped, Mad Max is finally back!! In his villain era!!

And your Max was indeed seething at everyone - competitors, his strategy team, the stewards for not giving Aston Martin a penalty - and you had listened in on the radio to hear him angrily swear and yell to his engineer, seen him aggressively overtake and defend his place on the track, and finally seen the stormy expression on his face as he emerged out of his car, clearly pissed with narrowed eyes as he stalked off to his driver room without a word, not even sparing a glance at you or anyone else. Sure, you should have felt a little hurt that he hadn’t noticed you or seen the perfectly planned designer outfit you had arrived wearing, sending the paparazzi into a flurry, but you completely understood that his career was first on the line today and he needed some time to cool off. And honestly, instead of feeling bad for Max - the sick, twisted part of you couldn’t deny that he had looked sooo sexy completely dominating on the track, authoritatively giving orders over the radio and confidently outmanoeuvring his rivals. You had to catch yourself from biting your lip or squeezing your legs together as his rough accented tones got more and more angry throughout the race over your headphones, imaging what it would be like to be pinned down by his strong arms, to have him lean down behind you and whisper naughty things in your ear, to ask if you liked being a dirty little-

“Oh! Y/N! Can we get a quick word?” The sky sports reporters interruption hastily put an end to the illicit thoughts you had been having. Quickly trying to school your expression into something much more PR friendly, you flashed a dazzling smile, “Of course!”. As expected they tried to rile responses out of you to condemn Max’s aggressive performance. But you had stood for none of it, honestly and clearly stating that your boyfriend had driven very capably and fairly given the circumstances and you were extremely impressed with his performance. “He’s a triple world champion after all. Did you just expect him to roll over and not defend his title? If you don’t agree with it then no need to watch it. At the end of the day he’s the one driving the car over the finish line while everyone else is speculating hypotheticals.” The reporters thank you for your input, stumbling for words at your strong defence of your boyfriend. You wandered off before they could say more, catching up with Max a couple hours later when he had debriefed and collected his trophy, looking a lot more chilled out than earlier.

Hey, Schatje he mumbled gently, leaning down to kiss you on the lips after pulling you from a conversation with the other WAGs. Max! you had exclaimed brightly, congratulating him on his win and letting him know just how proud you were of him. You knew he would be tired - we could go to the red bull celebration yacht party for 30min, show our faces, and then play hooky back to ours? I already put in a dinner order for your favourite lamb kebabs.

Max smiled down at you - you knew him so well, always knew what to say and when he wanted to relax. Sounds amazing, Schat he voiced in agreement. Later, after eating dinner at home, Lando sent him a trending insta reel with the caption “Mate, she’s too good to you, you bagged a queen.” Max grinned, expecting some fanmade memes about you and him as he clicked the link (he has seen all the Queen Y/N and he’s just…Ken Max tweets already. You were a well liked figure on the paddock for years with your well mannered speech, excellent dress style and courteous relationships with most of the staff.)

He was suprised to instead see an interview post race of you defending him staunchly, shutting down any opportunity the reporters used to manipulate your words. He walked into his bedroom to find you conveniently waiting for him in bed again, nose buried in one of your romance models, and started laughing at how effective you were at putting the media clowns in their place. Thanks for sticking up for me always, liefje. You smiled back at him with pure adoration - of course Maxie, that’s the advantage of dating a lawyer, right?

He agreed enthusiastically, so caught up on now yapping about the race as he climbed into bed with you that he didn’t even notice the sexy little outfit you had planned just for him, covering you up with his soft duvet before you could properly twirl around and showcase it for him. Your eye twitched again as he yawned in between statements, grabbing your waist and bringing your back in against him, spooning you while his voice gently trailed off, falling asleep.

Meanwhile, your mind was running at 100 miles a minute, a scowl on your face. This was ridiculous, you had gotten all dressed up in an overpriced beautiful outfit just for your boyfriend to get distracted by a 3min interview you had done with an asshole reporter and then fall asleep instead of ravaging you?? You had tonight would be the perfect night, for you to be the one to support him for once, be the perfect outlet for his stress, to use you and manipulate your body for his own pleasure…heat pooled in your gut at your dark thoughts, and you grow wetter between your legs at the mental image of max having his way with you. Maybe it still wasn’t too late. Sighing gently, you closed your eyes, pretending to drift into sleep but moving your plump, barely covered ass behind you to gently grind up on your boyfriend’s cock, which was now rapidly hardening with your practised movements. You sensed Max had awakened when you felt his arms tighten around you, keeping you still in an effort to stop you from exciting him to much while you were still asleep and he couldn’t act on it.

Mmmhmm, maxie, feels so good~ you moaned, still keeping up the facade of having a wet dream, breathing getting heavier and pushing your tits against the edges of his fingers that were wrapped around your waist. You felt him exhale sharply as he came into contact with your hardened nipples, a smirk on your face. Your grinding had managed to push the duvet partially off, exposing your red lingerie in the moonlight - surely this would be enough to drive any man crazy!!

You heard him sigh behind you, shifting slightly and inadvertently pushing his cock against your skimpy underwear as he pressed a kiss to the back of your neck - and you had to hold back a squeal with how hard and big he felt against you, this was it, he was finally going to give in and fuck you awake while he thought you were having a wet dream, he could slide it right in, you were ready for it, for him, you were soo wet already just from imagining it, this was so hot-

Your fantasies are quickly shut down as max easily used his strength to turn you around so your face was buried into his chest again, your ass now devastatingly much too far away to get any action, and began rubbing your shoulders soothingly to get you to fall into a deep sleep again. You almost combusted at the action before deflating and accepting defeat once more. Your kind boyfriend of course would never toe the line of having sex with you in a dubious way were you were asleep. You wanted - no needed, to bring Mad Max out in your bedroom, and you were determined to do whatever it took.

Over the next few weeks you threw countless strategies Max’s way. Leaving your dirty romance books out in plain view, sometimes even opened up to a page right in the middle of a jaw dropping sex scene. Lacier and lacier bralettes and panties left everywhere to prompt him. “Accidentally” deleting his best SIM race time record on his rig. But nothing seemed to be working - max diligently tidyed up the stray underwear, reshelved the books, and generously forgave you for the SIM error before setting a new record later that night instead of fucking you angrily like you had planned. You got more frustrated as both your work schedules became busier, leaving you less time to connect with him. Fuck, last weekend - last weekend you had even thrown out all your boxes of condoms before jumping into Max’s arms when he had come home, laughing and eager to see you. One thing let to another and he was as eager to be inside you as you were to have him inside you, voicing It’s been too long Schat, I’ve missed your sweet body so much, so beautiful for me in between kisses as he reached for the bedstand drawer to grab a condom - only to find it empty. You pretended to have a confused look on your face (truly, you deserved an Oscar for your performance this past month) before oh so innocently suggesting Maxie, we- we don’t have to use one if you don’t want, I’m on the pill -

And there it was - a brief darkening of your boyfriends’ normally loving ice blue eyes, his sharp gaze on you at your suggestion of doing it raw for the first time - before he schooled his features back to normal and gave you a sweet kiss, It’s okay Schat, you’re too sweet, you don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable for my sake, I’ll just grab some from the corner store, da? He was off you before you could protest, promising he would be back soon as you blinked away tears of frustration and denial that yet again your plan had failed. When he finally entered you later that night, ever so gently, condom and all, you closed your eyes tight and imagined how each vein and ridge of his thick cock might feel when fully buried inside you to the hilt, if that goddamn condom broke, if he spilled all of his thick, creamy cum inside you, so much that it spurted out the sides, leaking everywhere, claiming you as his and no one else’s, making such a filthy, filthy mess-

- you came harder than you had the whole month, burying your face in Max’s shoulder to contain the scream that threatened to spill out. You sighed as you came down from your high. Fuck, you needed a drink.

—————————————————————————

A/N: Follow along for Part 2 of this 3 part series to see if dear reader will finally manage to uncockblock herself and release Mad Max!! 😚😚

[incorrectbatfam]

In 2024, I ruined everyone's year with this post talking about the batfam's ages if they were living in the same year as us. Well, get ready to have 2025 ruined too.

Depending on how old you see Damian, he could be anywhere from 9 (like in WFA) to 15 (like in the mainline comics). I'm gonna go in the middle and say he's around 12. That means he is a Gen Alpha iPad baby born in 2013, the same year we saw Catching Fire and the Doge puppy.

NOTE: in my previous post, Damian was 10 years old and born in 2014, but I've since amended it since his age is depicted as all over the place. If you want to go with 10-year-old Damian today, he would've been born in 2015, the same year Undertale came out.

If we assume Duke is around 16, then that means he is the youngest Gen Z batfam member born in 2009, the same age as songs like Boom Boom Pow and Party In The USA.

Since Tim will always be 17 against his will, in 2025 it means he would've been born in 2008, the same year Obama was elected and Breaking Bad first aired.

Steph is a little older than Tim, so let's say she's 18. That means she was born in 2007, so along with obvious stuff like the iPhone, she would be as old as Bully Maguire and Rickrolling.

Harper is a little older than Steph but they went to college together at one point, so I'll pin her age at around 21. That means she was born in 2004, when Shrek 2 was the movie of the year.

Cass and Jason were born just months apart and are written to be in their early 20s, and I used 23 in the last post so I'll do that here. That means they were born in 2002, making them the first post-9/11 batkids and the same age as the book Eragon.

Dick and Barbara are both approximately 27, so they would've been born in 1998, the same year Destiny's Child, Coldplay, and System of a Down made their first debuts.

Helena (and I think Bette too, not sure) is a little older than both Dick and Barbara, so I'm gonna put her down as around 28. That makes her the oldest Gen Z batfamily member born in 1997, the same year as the movie Titanic.

Luke is somewhere between Helena and Kate but I can't find any specifics, so I'm going with 30. That means he is the youngest millennial batfam born in 1995, when Internet Explorer and the USB were first released.

Kate is approximately a decade younger than Bruce, making her around 35. In 2025, that means she would've been born in 1990, when Home Alone was released and Yugoslavia began to break up.

Selina's age is a little iffy because different sources give different age gaps between her and Bruce, but she's younger than him and older than Kate, so I'll go with 40. Being born in 1985 means she's currently the same age as celebrities like Bruno Mars and Lana Del Rey.

Bruce is around 45, so being born in 1980 means he is the very last of Gen X and as old as The Empire Strikes Back. It also means he would've been in middle school when Nirvana went mainstream in 1991 with Smells Like Teen Spirit.

Alfred's age is ambiguously old, but I used 75 in my last post. That means he would've been the only Baby Boomer batfam born in 1950, the same year that the TV remote and credit card were invented. He would've enlisted in 1968, at the start of the Troubles.

[northopalshore]

Are you familiar with Ascendant Persona Charts?

♀ Ascendant persona charts are very interesting. It's like an extended version of your personality, in the eyes of the people around you. But also, you can sort of see the signs features manifest onto your appearance. I think it's really fun to look at lmao.

₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑

Though I've noticed that in some charts, they tend to manifest later in life. Like after said person gains some sort of consciousness or after a particular phase. In all reality however, it's exactly what you'd expect it to be. The extended version of your single, the one that comes before the album lmao.

╔════════ஓ๑♡๑ஓ════════╗

In my asc pc, I'm a Taurus rising (°8 Scorpio). Destinn (°28 cancer) & Briede (°29 leo) are also here. It probably means I'll be perceived as a wifey somewhere down the line. Though I sure as hell ain't just my FS's wife. You'll see what I mean lmao. I'm a diva in my own right.

╚════════ஓ๑♡๑ஓ════════╝

I love going into persona charts since there's always this added layer of depth into your identity. You're a multilayered cake! I'm not calling you an onion even if it's tempting. I ain't Shrek. 🎂

Should I do an analysis on my ascendant persona chart as a guide? If you look at my asc pc, then the existence of my blog & my interest aren't a surprise lmao especially with that 11th house stellium & venus, groom in the 10th house. I'll add other examples as well.

Michael Jackson:

Is an Aquarius rising (°3 Gemini) in his asc persona chart. He has both Chiron (°23 aquarius ) & Briede (°28 cancer) in Aquarius here, as well as Sun (°10 Capricorn ), Boda (°2 Taurus) & Europa (°0) in Pisces.

He's literally a star lmao. A woman's man, if you will. Women tend to trust him instinctively, he himself has always been more of a lover. The spirit of a lover that is.

Although, this would also explain his erratic behaviour at times. Having to battle his emotions at the same time trying to gain control of any public situation he was ever in. It's not media training, it's media manipulation. He grew up in front of the camera so his public persona is his second skin.

In his natal chart, his ascendant is Pisces (°10 Capricorn) with Moon (°14 Taurus) , Mireille & Lilith (°21 Sagittarius).

He's been bullied and shamed for his appearance, people always had something to say when it comes to how he should and shouldn't act or look like. He's also been openly insecure about how he looks because of his sickness & vitiligo.

However, no one can deny that his looks will forever be framed as an iconic part of pop culture history. Hell, in all of modern history. The King of Pop is never seen without an outfit that would outshine all who stand next to him.

It also mirrors his facial structures. I've heard that a badly aspected Mercury or 7th house ruler could be related to vitiligo in vedic astrology, but I'm not exactly sure. I'm not well versed in medical astrology either, but I wonder if aquarius might have some sort of effect as well since he has a LOT of aquarius here.

He's one fine mf tho. Even after all this time, he's still adored by many fans, old & new.

₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑ . ₊ ⊹ .₊๋‧₊ ˚ ⊹ ࣭ ⭑

Hope this was interesting! Did I somehow make it about MJ again? Yes. Yes I did.

[pastanest]

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

A/N: I’ve got nothing to say except for the fact this is entirely inspired by the song

warnings: shrimp gets beat up pretty bad but you singlehandedly take out like 3 guys so xoxo

Holding Out For A Hero

The entire team, save for one, are gathered around Penelope’s monitors, holding their breaths. As the newest member of the team, you had anticipated that in a situation such as this, you’d be having the least severe reaction to the scene before you, but upon seeing Doctor Spencer Reid get thrown against a wall, you are entirely unsurprised by the squeeze you feel in your chest.

“Damn it, Hotch, we’ve gotta do something!” Derek Morgan yells, clasping his hands behind his head but unable to tear his gaze from the screens.

What should have been a simple task of meeting some witnesses regarding a local case has quickly become a hostage situation that none had anticipated. There are unified gasps as a harsh kick is landed against the young genius’s midsection, and Hotch sighs, knowing that something has to be done, but the team are presently at a loss.

“Any presence recognised as official could get Reid killed.” Hotch reiterates, though it’s a fact none of you have forgotten.

Another kick causes Spencer to curl up in the corner, his form cowering on the monitors, and you decide that’s enough, storming out of Penelope’s office.

“Must be tough on her.” Emily glances sympathetically at the door you left through, the rest of the team nodding in agreement, seemingly accepting that you had to step out because you couldn’t stand to see Spencer get beaten up like that. While that isn’t entirely untrue, there is more of a purpose behind your exit.

Just a month ago, during your first case with this team, a local police officer had decided you were the object of his affections. While you’d dismissed his advances as politely as you could, Spencer couldn’t help overhearing the conversation, and his blood boiled.

“No need to be so stuck-up about it!” The cop huffed at you, and in the time it took for your eyebrows to shoot up, Spencer had arrived at your side.

“Speak to her that way again and I’ll have you removed from this case.” His words were cool, calculated, and enough to send the police officer shuffling away from you.

Looking up at Spencer with a grateful smile, you parted your lips to speak, but he smiled right back at you and interjected.

“I know what you’re going to say, and you don’t need to. All I did was the bare minimum, as a guy.” Spencer excused his chivalry with a bashfulness that you found beyond endearing, and have continued to do.

It seems that now, an opportunity has presented itself for you to perform your equivalent of the bare minimum for him.

Speeding through the office and over to your desk, you retrieve your overnight bag and head for the staff toilets. Digging through it, you find your emergency attire that’s typically reserved for undercover missions; a thin strapped, silky red dress that’s enough to stop traffic, and a pair of killer black stilettos.

Within five minutes, you’ve slammed the door of Penelope’s office open again and dropped your go bag on the ground, attracting the attention of the rest of the team.

“Well damn, mama, I didn’t think this would be the time, but-“ Derek begins, unable to resist a moment to flirt; with no time to spare, you cut him off.

“Button it, Morgan. Text me the location, I’m going to get Reid.” You instruct, not wanting to waste another second.

Penelope’s office is momentarily silent, several jaws falling open in shock. That is, until Derek speaks up again.

“What?! No!” He exclaims, outraged at your proposition.

You sigh. “One plus one is two, you need someone to get inside without raising suspicion - problem?”

Derek scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, actually!”

Rolling your eyes, you turn your attention to the only member of the team that’s aware of your applicable qualifications.

“Gideon?” You raise an eyebrow.

With a slow smile, Jason Gideon nods. “…She can do it.”

Derek throws his arms up in the air. “Am I missin’ something here?!”

Hotch is notably silent. Though knowledgeable on the ‘classified’ portion of your resumé, he does not know the details of your work prior to this team, save for your glowing letter of recommendation from your old boss; that, in itself, was enough to land you a place on this team.

You nod, reaching down to grab a small purse from inside your go-bag. “Yep. I’ll catch you up after. See you guys in 30.” Glancing around at the rest of the team one last time, you speed out of the office with a determination to match the loud clicking or your heels.

By the time you reach the parking lot, your phone has dinged with a text from Penelope with the exact location where Spencer is being held by the gang that are currently beating him senseless. Whistling a nearby cab, you slide into the backseat, give the address for the next street over to where you need to be, and apply the finishing touches to your outfit. With expert precision, you coat your lashes with thick layers of mascara, only to rub them, then hold your eyes open long enough to induce tears that cause trails of mascara to run down your cheeks. And with reckless abandon, you tear a slit up the right side of your dress. As the cab pulls up on the next street over to your destination, you step out with a grateful tip and begin your walk.

The closer you get to the only lit up house on the mostly empty street, you ensure your steps are unsteady and work yourself up enough, focussing your thoughts on what Spencer has endured until now to force fresh tears and actual upset to bubble in your chest. Approaching the house, you raise a shaking fist to knock on the door with deliberate weakness. The doorknob twists, and you sniffle. Action.

Standing in the doorway are the very men you’re here to see, and your bottom lip trembles as you give them your biggest doe eyes.

“H-Hello, I’m so sorry to bother you, b-but I was just wondering if I could use your phone? M-My boyfriend broke mine.” You blubber, holding your face in your hands for dramatic effect. Stuttering to feign anxiety and upset, mention of a boyfriend but purposely indicating mistreatment and vulnerability: you are no more than an easy target.

The men share a smirk.

“Oh, of course! You poor thing! C’mon in!” One of them says, ushering you inside with a cheshire grin.

These poor fools really think they’re lucking out with a punching and an upgrade from a sock.

Nodding gratefully, you stumble into their shack of a ‘home’, knowing this is just a temporary hold up for them, and mainly a location to hold Spencer.

“Wh-Who’s that?” You ask shakily, eyes widening with what should be pretend shock, but your surprise at seeing the sorry state of your favorite genius is as genuine as your intentions in being here.

At the sound of your voice, the one eye Spencer has that isn’t black with bruising, winces as it opens, then widens as much as it can to take you in. Are you real, or a vision from heaven? He’s asked himself that everyday since you joined the team, but that question has never felt more relevant than it does in this moment.

“Ignore him.” One of the other men instructs, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and dragging you harshly over to a chair at the dining table.

That quick glance in Spencer’s direction was enough to bring him a second wind, a cause to fight to stay conscious. The mascara stains down your cheeks and the tear in your dress - which, on any other occasion, Spencer is sure would send him into cardiac arrest - cause alarm bells to ring in the mind of a genius. Who made you cry? Did someone hurt you? What are you even doing here? The questions in his mind are ordered in importance to Spencer, the blood in his veins that’s fighting to fix the wounds he’s sustained through his beating, burning under his skin at the thought of someone having harmed you in any way, despite his current circumstances.

“So, where’s your boyfriend?” One of the men asks, and you pretend that the thought of your completely fictional boyfriend makes you wince.

“He stood me up.” You cry weakly, putting on the performance of your life.

Spencer wonders if his injuries have made him delirious as he now prioritizes whether his heart should have spluttered at your mention of a boyfriend he is certain - because he’s currently scanning through his eidetic memory at the speed of light - you have never referred to having before.

“Oh, now, what kind of man stands up a dime like you?” The man who had invited you in, jeers.

“Thank you.” Sniffling, a small smile reaches your face as all three men stand within range; one at the table with you, one against the wall to your right, the other standing behind your chair. Perfect.

The team crowd around Penelope’s monitors, the anxiety in the room palpable.

“What the hell is she doing?!” Derek yells, frustrated and confused by Gideon’s allowance for your reckless one-woman suicide mission.

“Trust me, if anyone can do this, she can.” Jason attempts to reassure the worries of everyone, a soft smile on his face as he watches you do what you do best: set your scene.

“She’s ballsy, that’s for sure.” Emily comments, undeniably impressed.

The air in the office is thick, the tension only capable of cutting with a knife; there’s a certain irony in that.

One of the men pats your shoulder with force.

“You stay with us, we’ll take care of you.” He laughs darkly, and you smile up at him.

Alright, show’s over.

Standing from your chair, you pretend to stumble over to the front door, before locking it.

“What’re you doing, pretty lady?” The man leaning against the wall asks you with a smirk.

“Actually, boys, I think you’ll find it’s me that’s going to be taking care of you. Or, to put it another way-“ Reaching into your purse, you grab a makeup wipe and quickly remove the mascara from your cheeks, smirking right back at all three men. “-I’ll be taking you out.” Looking to the corner of the room, you smile at Spencer. “Sit tight, handsome.”

He must be dead, he thinks. Doctor Spencer Reid, beaten to death and the best comfort his subconscious can provide him is the illusion of you calling him handsome.

Pulling the slit of your dress just a little higher, you retrieve the blade previously concealed in a particularly scandalous garter you acquired entirely for the aesthetic, and twirl it around your fingers.

“So, any takers? Let’s see, eenie-“ You point your blade at the man leaning against the wall, “-meenie,” You point it to the man who is standing behind the chair you’d sat in, “-minie,” You point it at the man sitting at the table, and as he reaches for something in his pocket, your eyes twinkle with mischief. “-mo!” You chirp, throwing your blade at the exact moment he raises his arm to you, pinning his wrist to the table.

In a fraction of a second, both of the other men lunge for you, and you manage to roll out of their way in the nick of time.

“Awh, c’mon guys, fair’s fair! At least give a girl a chance!” You taunt, kicking your killer heels off and chucking both at the larger man’s head, sending him stumbling backwards into the wall with the impact. One on one, much better.

Sights set on the only other person standing up in this room, you watch as his eyes dart to Spencer, and in an instant you’ve rolled back across the floor to stand in front of the corner that he’s cowered in.

“Don’t you dare.” You threaten quietly, icy stare fixed on the last man standing.

“Oh, but pretty lady, you’ve got nothing left to throw! You’re out of options.” He sneers, taking a step closer to you.

Very presumptuous to suggest you actually needed your props beyond your dramatic flair and desire to get this done as quickly as possible.

But, in the moment, you decide to humor him.

Pretending to cower further into the corner with Spencer at your feet, your eyes widen with feigned fear, the confidence in the idiot’s smirk growing as he takes another step.

“That’s it. We can forget all about this. We’re all friends here, aren’t we?” The man’s voice softens with condescension, and you nod up at him with your doe eyes.

Does he seriously think you’d incapacitate both of his friends and then decide to sleep with him? Men.

Counting the seconds, you wait until his figure looms over with you, and you lean back against the wall. You hold his gaze, doe eyes widening and bottom lip trembling, until the facade drops like a mask. Fury is a woman, and she wears a torn red dress with a smirk, her heels having left imprints on some idiot’s skull.

The last man standing’s smirk drops to a confused frown, but he doesn’t have time to step back before you lift your leg and send your knee into his crotch with as much force as you can. And while he stumbles backwards, you kick him to the floor, then kick his midsection again for good measure.

With him dealt with, you walk back over to your heels and slip them on, but as the man they previously knocked out begins to stir, you issue a well deserved roundhouse kick to send him back to sleep. Strolling over to the man who’s wrist you pinned to the table, you find that he is very clearly in shock and losing a lot of blood, but not enough to be dead just yet; you left the blade in for a reason.

“My team are watching, and they’ve probably called an ambulance by now. Whether they’ll make it in time to save you or not, I don’t care. For your sake, though-“ You pull the blade out of his wrist, tucking it back into your garter and watching the blood gush against the table, leaning close to the man’s ear. “-I wouldn’t bother applying pressure to that, because if you live long enough to serve your sentence and get out, I’ll do much worse than what I’ve been allowed to do here on company time.” And with a malicious smile, you stand back up, then spin on your heel and rush over to Spencer.

Crouching down beside him, you brush his hair out of his eyes with your fingertips, tucking it behind his ears just the way he likes it.

“Hey, pretty boy. Sorry for the wait.” You give him a sweet smile, your tone gentle, far and away from the venom with which you’d been speaking throughout your cleanup operation.

Spencer tries to speak, but immediately starts spluttering and clutching at his bruised abdomen.

“Shh, shh, don’t speak, it’s okay. The team’ll be here soon.” You coo, continuing to stroke his hair behind his ears, though it’s no longer out of place.

“N-No, it’s important.” Spencer utters, voice hoarse and strained.

Your eyebrows furrow as you lean closer to him so that he doesn’t have to try speaking any louder. “What is it?”

Taking a deep, wheezing breath, Spencer manages to find his voice again.

“Think…I know someone…who can fix your dress.”

You blink rapidly, a wide smile spreading on your face as his words set in, before you start laughing heartily.

And Spencer struggles, but he opens his one good eye to gaze upon your smiling features above him, etching every detail to his eidetic memory.

“So, I can assume that you like the dress, then?” You ask rhetorically.

This time, Spencer doesn’t say anything. Instead, you watch in equal amazement and amusement as a smirk curls at the corner of his split lips.

Within a matter of minutes, the rest of the team pull up in government issue vehicles with police cars and ambulances close behind, your targets being tended to and arrested, while Hotch and Derek help carry Spencer out to the ambulance. Due to the severity of his beating, the paramedics advise it’s best to keep him unconscious and medicated for the journey to the hospital. Naturally, you sit at his side, holding his hand the whole way.

And that’s a gesture you continue the moment he’s been checked over, too. You stay at Spencer’s hospital bedside, holding his hand until he regains consciousness, at which time you relay his diagnosis from the doctors: no serious injuries or internal bleeding, just a large amount of bruising that’ll be substantially painful for a while. Spencer is relieved by the news, but mostly relieved by your presence. He’s so simultaneously exhausted, and taken by the way you glow at his bedside, he can hardly say more than a continuous mantra of “Thank you”.

Due to his lack of serious injury, Spencer is cleared to return to work without delay, under the advice of being careful of his bruises when out in the field. In truth, Spencer knows that as long as you’re around, he won’t feel an ounce of the pain that’s supposed to be plaguing him.

The very next night, the team are called back into the office for a case, and the smile on your face when you see Spencer has him questioning once again how you can possibly be real. You seem so much more like a vision from heaven, or of heaven itself.

It’s late and the flight to the location of the case is a long one, so Hotch instructs everyone to board the jet and get some sleep, assuring you all that he’ll wake you with enough time for a briefing before you land. And the ever-calculated Spencer Reid knows exactly how to use this to his advantage. Counting in his head the average time it takes someone to fall asleep, he waits for each and every member of the team fo fall asleep before he rises from his seat on the jet and crosses the cabin to sit beside you, visibly giddy.

“I was thinking about what you said to those guys.” He begins, words rushed because he doesn’t have the patience to greet you right now.

“Which part?” You ask with an amused smile.

“When you said you’d take them out.” Spencer clarifies quickly. “I’ve been thinking about those words a lot, and- well,” He chuckles nervously. This is about to be the cheesiest thing he’s ever said. “-I wondered if you might consider letting me take you out, but in a different way?”

Your expression flashes to one of surprise, the realization hitting you like the sweetest bullet. “Like a date, or a different method of incapacitation?” You ask playfully, accurately predicting the way Spencer’s eyes widen in panic at the thought of the double entendre.

“A date!” He squeaks.

You can’t help giggling, nodding at him. “I’d like that a lot. Thank you for asking, Spencer.”

The relief on his face is palpable. In fact, he’s never felt his face relax quite like it did in that moment. “No, thank you for accepting. Are you, uh, free on Saturday, by any chance? If we don’t get called away on a case?” Spencer enquires, desperately hoping that he isn’t coming across as too eager.

You grin. “I am.”

“Good.” Spencer answers, a shy smile on his face as the reality of this situation sets in.

“Are you going to sleep?” You ask him quietly.

“To be honest, I’m not so sure I’ll be able to sleep at all until Saturday.” Spencer chuckles nervously.

You giggle at that. “Well, it’s probably a good idea to try. Do you mind if I borrow your shoulder?” You question with a teasing smile.

“No! Not at all!” Spencer says without hesitation.

“Thanks, handsome.” You say softly, resting your head on his shoulder from where you sit beside him on the jet, bundling your blanket around yourself.

There it is again, Spencer thinks. Unless this plane crashed in a microsecond and killed everyone onboard, he’s pretty sure that this time, it’s not his subconscious creating a comforting illusion. You really did call him that.

And, in light of such a life-altering revelation, Spencer plucks up courage that he didn’t know he had.

“You’re always welcome, beautiful.”

[dilatorywriting]

Monster Mayhem: Donkeys & Dragons

Gender Neutral Reader x Malleus Draconia Word Count: 3.0k

Summary: In which your friends are idiots who think gallivanting around a haunted castle surrounded by lava is a great idea. And then there's a dragon.

ie. Or, I watched Shrek this afternoon and could not stop thinking about the memes of the Prefect being Donkey and Malleus as the Dragon.

[PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3] [PART 4] [EPILOGUE]

‘Treasure beyond your wildest dreams!’ Ace said.

‘Knowledge long since lost to time!’ Deuce corrected.

‘Yeah, okay, but what is it,’ you asked.

And neither of them had an answer.

Abandoned castles suspended over a sea of bubbling lava were not your preferred holiday destination. You’d told Ace this several times. You’d begged, pleaded, to please just be normal for once. But noooo. Both the snarky, ginger, bastard and the other half of his singular brain cell had apparently decided that suicide ala boiling rocks sounded like a perfectly lovely plan for your Saturday evening.

“I’m just saying,” you huffed as the rope bridge swung worryingly beneath your feet, “taverns are a thing. Faires. Market runs. Casual side quests that won’t wind up with us being flambeed alive.”

“But there’s treasure!” Ace complained, the muddled light off the lava below illuminating his pout in a way that made it look especially punchable. “I heard there’s this really awesome magical sword! Or maybe it was a shield or something—”

“Or something,” you grit out. “What if it’s a book, huh? You can’t even read.”

“We can try!” Deuce returned, a spark of that familiar determination zipping through his blue eyes.

“Or we can sell it,” Ace said, which was certainly the more likely option of the two.

One of the rickety, wooden, slats cracked beneath the low heel of your boot and tumbled down into the lava below. Maybe it hit the gurgling pool of death with a hiss, or a whump, or some other cool sound. But all you could hear was the ringing in your ears.

“Oh my god. I’m going to die.”

“I mean, maybe,” Ace shrugged. “But at least you’ll have a cool new sword propped up at your grave or something.”

You managed to make it all the way to the other side of the horrible death bridge without plummeting to your doom. Except now you were standing at the foot an equally horrifying castle. It was massive—grand on a scale that seemed entirely impossible for something constructed in the heart of a volcano. Its dozens of ebony spires clawed at the sky. The walls crawled with grey ivy and thickets of thorns so dense that you couldn’t see even the barest hint of brick beneath. It looked evil in the way that cursed tombs felt evil—eternal, and still, and oppressive. Like a creature in its own right rather than just an agglomeration of black stone.

Ace drew his sword and Deuce readied his axe. You sighed and plucked at the strings of your stupid fucking lute, and wished once more that you’d had the foresight all those moons ago to take the cushy internship position Lord Crewel had tried to offer you. But, no. You’d wanted to be an adventurer.

The massive double doors of the entrance swung open with an eerie groan. A pair of stern looking gargoyles stood guard as the three of you cautiously made your way into the castle. You swore you could feel their eyes following you—that you’d seen them flex jagged claws into their stone perches in an aborted attempt to dive after you.

The inside of the looming fortress was no more welcoming than out. Dark, emerald, stained glass windows lined the walls—smothering any of the warmer light from the volcano and tinting the entire hall a sickly green-grey. The stone floors and walls were elaborately carved with the faded stories of dynasties long since passed, but what had once surely been immaculate craftsmanship had shifted and cracked with age—crushing floors into tight slopes and littering already narrow walkways with heavy debris.

“We just have to find the tallest tower,” Ace hummed, swiping at a few dangling trails of thorns with the blunted edge of his blade. “And then the highest room in that.”

“The treasure is never in the highest room in the tallest tower,” you complained. “You just heard that in a drinking song once.”

“Is that true?” Deuce frowned, looking terribly betrayed.

“No way!” Ace snipped. “I told you! An old crone read my fortune in her bone dice, and she said to always check the highest room in the tallest tower! Because that’s where I’d find my greatest treasure!”

“Maybe the greatest treasure is the friends we’ve made along the way?” Deuce suggested helpfully.

“No.”

So you split off from a grouchy Ace and dejected Deuce to try and find some stairs. Every room in this stupid castle was swimming in so many shadows that you could hardly tell right from left, let alone if there were any kinds of secret doors or passageways that may lead to an equally secret tower. The chamber you’d found yourself in now was gigantic, and each tentative step you took echoed discordantly through the ashy gloom. You kicked miserably at a loose rock and it skittered off into the darkness with a dull thunk. And then something… odd, began to happen. That darkness began to move—to rise and unfurl like a great set of wings on a beast. And—oh. Oh no.

“Would you look at that,” Ace whistled under his breath, neck craned all the way back as he squinted at what was most definitely the tallest of all the towers this creepy castle had to offer. “Guess what, nonbelievers. I found the—”

“DRAGON!”

Whoosh went the great swathe of emerald fire as it exploded down the barren hallway and nipped at your heels. You dove out into the open courtyard just in time to avoid being roasted alive, and the gargantuan monster behind you let out a roar fit to shake the earth. A quick tuck-and-roll left you crouched behind a fallen pillar, and the dragon’s bright, green, glower turned on you and your garbage hiding spot with a rumbling snarl. Its rows of sharp, white, teeth closing just above your head—missing its mark by barely a hair’s width.

“Gotcha!” Deuce snarled, his armored fists dragging the dragon away by its tail. Or, well, tried to. Because the dragon was a hundred feet long at least, and your blue haired friend probably looked like nothing more than a pesky rat darting between its feet. It turned and snapped at him irritably, taking a great, big, step forward in a bid to get a firmer stance to attack. You threw yourself in the other direction to avoid being trampled.

“Go!” Ace called, charging in from the other side. “Quick!”

Because at the end of the day, they were still both your brave, tanky, warrior, friends. And you were just a very, very, squishy bard who really would not fare well against a particularly motivated goose, let alone a dragon. So you skidded through the rubble and onto your feet, and started to sprint back into the castle’s halls—hoping maybe you’d be able to find a bit more cover.

There was a great clatter, and both Ace and Deuce yelped. You looked back hurriedly to see the pair of them clutching onto the dragon’s tail for dear life as it whipped them back and forth through the ash and debris cluttering the ground. With one, final, great, sweep, the dragon pitched them into the air and sent them careening through the roof of that ‘tallest tower.’ You muttered a hasty incantation and the sparkling outlines of soft feathers danced along your fingers. You hoped you weren’t too far. You were probably too goddamn far. But you hummed frantically under your breath nonetheless and entreated your middling magic to give them a soft landing.

And then there was another wave of green hellfire raining down over your head and you turned and ran.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck—

Even if you’d been a champion sprinter, there was little good it would have done you against a beast whose stride was longer than you were tall. You made it back into some hall or other, and into another cavernous room, and then you were pinned into a corner—the dragon looming over you like a vengeful wraith come to take its due.

It was gigantic. Probably the biggest creature you’d ever seen. And it was sleek—all lithe muscle and glossy rows of black scales that glittered oddly in the dull, grey, light. Its wings spread wide behind it, spanning the entirety of the vast chamber. They looked like the sort of wings that could stir up a hurricane. The curling horns atop its head seemed sharp enough to gore a man or twenty, and the purple crests lining its skull were tapered down flat in a way that reminded you a bit deliriously of a pissy cat pinning its ears back before it swatted at you.

Its lips curled back over pointed canines as it snarled at you, and you were showered in a swathe of hot sparks.

“Oh, what large teeth you have,” you squeaked, and when the dragon dipped closer to bellow into your face, your reeled back with a splutter. “I—I mean white, sparkling, teeth!” you rattled, nearly incoherent. The dragon’s snout twitched away, almost like you’d startled it. “I mean, I’m sure you hear this all the time from your food, but—wow! Just! Very lovely! Definitely the prettiest smile I’ll ever be eaten by!”

Slowly it lowered its great head, and you could see the neon glare from its narrowed eyes.

“Not that you have to eat me,” you added hurriedly, hoping to whatever Gods could hear you that your smart mouth could finally be useful for more than just talking circles around assholes in bars or weaseling your friends out of shitty contracts. “I’d very much like not to be eaten. But all the same, we did intrude in your home—and it’s definitely a very nice home—so I’d totally get it. And I guess if I did have to die today, knowing that my life would be in the hands of something so magnificent is certainly reassuring.”

The dragon seemed to preen a bit at that. You could see the sharp crests beneath its horns soften as tension bled from the beast’s posture. It ducked in close again, and this time you felt a sharp pull of air rush past your cheeks as it sniffed you. Its nostrils were the size your head—bigger even, maybe. You didn’t want to think about it, but the dry heat of its breath puffing into your face made the entire thing a bit hard to ignore.  

“Did I mention what a charming home you have?” you rambled on. “Very aesthetic. The gargoyles at the gate were a lovely touch.”

The dragon made a low, warbling, noise in its throat that wasn’t quite a growl, but wasn’t particularly… reassuring, either. It made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.

It ducked away—not far, just enough to reach one of the large, carved, walls at the outskirts of the room. Its long neck slithered out before pausing pointedly over an archway. It took you a long moment to realize it was gesturing to something. Another gargoyle from the looks of things—this one almost entirely crumbled away under the strains of time. You could just barely make out the shape of its square jaw and taloned fingers.

You nodded so hard you nearly gave yourself whiplash.

“Yes! I see! Very beautiful! Such fine craftsmanship!”

The dragon cooed at you. Swear on your life and all the money in your back packet. An actual, honest to God, coo. Fuck, maybe you’d managed to charm your way out of imminent dismemberment and death after all.

It ambled closer once again, a curiosity lighting its eyes and warming those neon irises into something that was less poisonous-hell-fire and more mellow-evening-in-the-forest.

Amidst all the rippling waves of ebony scales, your eyes caught on the smallest smear of crimson. Just a touch of red—right along the spikes of its tail. Carefully, cautiously, slower than molasses, you stepped forward with your hands raised. You whispered a handful of familiar words under your breath and your palms glowed fuzzy and blue. Dragons were supposed to be inherently magical, right? So this one would certainly understand that the string of syllables you’d babbled out were good, and helpful, and not at all a provocation. The dragon was looking down at you with lidded eyes, its gaze a bit unfocused. You gulped.

“I’m sorry my friends messed with your tail,” you apologized, gingerly holding your fingers out to hover over the abrasions without actually touching. “They were just trying to protect me. If—if that makes it any better.” The minuscule wound began to knit itself back together neatly beneath the pulses of your magic. “I do tend to need a lot of protecting—I’m not much a warrior, if that wasn’t completely obvious by the everything about me—so I can’t really blame them for being a bit gung-ho about it.”

After a moment or two, the scratches had faded back into solid, matte, black and you drew back with a content hum.

“There! All fixed!” You gave your most winning smile. Please don’t eat me, your brain chanted on endless repeat. Please don’t eat me please don’t eat me please don’t eat me—

The dragon reared back and settled on its haunches with another heavy puff of sweltering breath. You could feel the heat of it prickling all the way up your arms. After a long, long, moment of silent consideration, the dragon leaned forward again and rumbled deep in its chest. When you only stood there, properly petrified, it huffed again and bumped its nose against your sternum, nearly toppling you over.

“I don’t—” you started, nervous. “I’m sorry. I don’t really get what you’re trying to say.”

With another sigh that sounded entirely too put upon, the dragon lowered its great head. The air itself seemed to grow heavy against your shoulders, and you could taste the cloying bitterness of strong magics on the back of your tongue. Black miasma oozed from beneath the dragon’s talons and melted along its scales. The caustic scent of ash and petrichor burned along your nostrils, and you had to pinch your eyes shut and cover your nose to keep from coughing. You managed to sneak a peek past your fingers just in time to watch the shadowed outline of the beast collapse. And out of that puddle of black goo emerged a man­. He was tall and lithe, just as the dragon had been, with glowing green eyes that were terribly familiar. They were framed with thick, dark, lashes and sat perfectly on a face that was nearly too handsome to be human (well, it really wasn’t human you supposed, so that little tidbit probably accounted for said inhuman beauty well enough). Recognizable eyes and stature or no, the curling horns atop his head would have sealed the deal plenty well enough on their own.

He shook off the shadows twining around his ankles with a lazy twist of the hand and then turned to you with a curious little hum.

And holy fuck Mister Dragon apparently had no sense of shame, or maybe just no qualms about social niceties and practicalities, because his human self was wearing about just as many clothes as his lizard form had been.

You squeezed your eyes shut with a squeak, and then double covered them with your hands for good measure.

A chuckle rolled through the air—as dark and pleasantly rich as the finest of chocolates. And then there was a clawed finger beneath your chin, tilting your head back, and back, and back until you were at least half-way sure it would probably be safe to open your eyes again without infringing on his decency.

“You are fascinating, Child of Man,” it—he—hummed, low in his throat. His thumb dragged down to hook beneath the curve of your jaw and support the finger tucked up under your chin. “And it’s been so, very, long since I’ve been fascinated by anything.”

“Uh,” you replied, like a perfectly functional human being.

The dragon’s lips curled up over his pointed teeth—still just as sharp and white as they had been when he’d been so much bigger and scalier.

“I think I’d like to keep you,” he said with a nod to himself, as casually as one may talk about picking up extra groceries from the market.

“Uh,” you said again.

“You did mention that you needed protecting,” he continued, tapping a clawed finger against his own chin. The small smile quirking his lips twisted into something smug. “And that is certainly something at which I would excel.”

Your head was swimming.

“I—I mean. I’m honored that you—that… you—” You couldn’t even think the words, let alone get them past your brain and out of your mouth. You cleared your throat and fought to keep your eyes level with his clavicle and nowhere else. “D-Don’t you think you’re moving a bit fast?” you laughed nervously. “I mean, I’m sure my friends will probably be on their way back down soon—and—I mean, we haven’t even introduced ourselves yet. I don’t even know your name.”

He blinked, slow and serpentine.

“Oh. I suppose you wouldn’t.” He canted his head to the side, long strands of that inky black hair of his spilling across his shoulder. An amused sort of grin worked its way along his mouth. “Dragons are not keen to give out our true names so readily, but you seem like a clever one. Tell me—what do you think I’m called then, hmm?”

You glanced up quickly at the horns atop his head and couldn’t help yourself.

“Tsunotarou?”

He let out a bark of laughter that seemed to shake the walls.

“Oh,” he trilled, looking positively delighted. The hand not curled beneath your chin reached down to snag your own, and he brought your wrist up to his lips. You could feel the imprints of his canines against the soft skin there. “I’ll definitely be keeping you.”

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM SHREK 2 *  assorted dialogue from the 2004 film, adjust as necessary

quick! tell a lie!

i can't believe you're just gonna walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.

say something crazy, like "i'm wearing ladies underwear!"

i most certainly am not!

it's a thong!

i don't feel any different. do i look any different?

you still look like an ass to me.

nobody said i have the right to remain silent!

you have the right to remain silent. what you lack is the capacity.

stop. i have misjudged you.

join the club. we got jackets.

look, she's not seeing any clients today.

we're from the union.

we represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.

are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?

okay, we're going to have a look around.

think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you.

oh man. where do i begin?

they all got drunk and started hitting me with sticks, yelling "piñata! piñata!"

i need you to cry!

all i got in my room was shampoo.

i hate mondays.

who on earth are they?

that's not little. that's a really big problem.

we came, we saw them, now let's go before they light the torches.

they're my parents!

good! now's our chance! let's go back inside and pretend we're not home.

quick, while they're not looking, we can make a run for it.

you can do this.

i don't want to die!

oh sweet sister mother of mercy! i'm melting! i'm melting!

i'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.

oh look! a little cat!

look out! he's got a piece!

are we there yet?

oh god help me! please!

tell the truth. will i ever be able to play the violin again?

i drank the potion and well, now... i'm sexy.

oh pick me! i'll be your true love!

someday i will repay you, unless of course i can't find you, or if i forget.

fear me, if you dare.

i had hoped you would never see me like this.

i'm sorry to both of you.

i just wish i could be the man that you deserve.

go! your lady needs you!

today, i repay my debt.

who dares enter my room?

i hope i'm not interrupting anything.

you are told correct, but for this i charge a great deal of money.

for five minutes, could you not be yourself?

it wasn't my fault! he didn't get there in time!

are you kidding? he's gorgeous! his face looks like it was carved by angels?

i see london! i see france!

why don't we drop in for a spell?

oh mexican food! my favorite!

you have forced me to do something i really don't want to do.

my diet is ruined! i hope you're happy.

they just want to give us their blessing.

who said i want to be part of this family?

look out! here comes the new me!

first things first. we need to get you out of those clothes.

did i miss?

pardon me. would you mind letting me go?

quit messing around!

almost everybody who meets you wants to kill you.

whatever happens... i must not cry.

can i help you, your majesty?

tell us about where you live.

i guess that will be a fine place to raise the children.

oh, stop being such a drama king.

i don't care whose fault this was, just get this place cleaned up.

i'm not going.

he's completely lost his mind!

we can't be lost.

i wasn't the one who refused to stop for directions.

you're so tense.

do you think you could get up there?

i've made changes for you. think about that.

i guess i gave her the wrong tea.

sorry. i thought that question was directed at me.

uh... FYI. not my fault.

we just need to work out something smarter, that's all.

i need to have someone "taken care of."

[asgardiansofthegalaxyvol3]

I was a fool. An absolute bafoon. Deadpool and Wolverine 2: the musical starts with a montage of their daily life to the soundtrack of Accidentally in Love (from shrek) to WADE falling in love with Logan, not the other way around, because honestly who better than Deadpool? He can girlishly kick his feet and smile sweetly to the camera and (badly) play it off when Logan is actually looking at him. And it’s just them being domestic. Logan cooking, Wade sneaking glances throughout the day, can even have them fighting something together. And of course it ends with them platonically sharing a bed and you can see Wade wanting to reach out to Logan but he doesn’t, just goes to sleep instead.

And one way or another they’re fighting some big bad magical being, and honestly Marvel it doesn’t really matter who you pick. All they need is to be able to use magic and get pissed that 1-Wade can’t die and 2- he never shuts the HELL up. And bam, instant curse. The entire world is a musical and Deadpool has to suffer the consequences (being annoyed by the constant noise of everyone singing)

Except he LOVES it. He walks down the street and hears someone singing about cheating on their spouse, someone singing about how they miss their dog at home, and someone getting increasingly angry about traffic through the open window of their car. And the icing on the cake is that his roommate, THE Hugh Jackman is cursed too. Since y’all wanna make him be the Wolverine until he’s 90 you can at least throw him a bone and let him sing again, it’s what he was made to do. And since Ryan can’t/wont/doesn’t like to sing it gives him the opportunity not to, plus it has comedic effect if he’s bland and boring, making comments through everyone’s songs. Social commentary on people’s rhymes/pitch/beats. The potential is limitless. They should also have multiple people who are just genuinely bad singers, because that’s just how the real world works.

And by the third act Wade has had enough of the singing. “Can everyone shut the fuck up for five minutes PLEASE. Not you, Logan, you have the voice of an angel, please keep going.”

And since Disney owns them now they can have a scene of Logan singing ‘i won’t say I’m in Love’ from Hercules with Ellie, Yukio, and Blind Al as the muses because surprise surprise the main story is Wade trying to undo this Musical curse but the subplot is Wade and Logan both being in love with each other but both being too emotionally constipated and unaware to make a move on each other. And you know what, if the power of hand holding and gay love could save the day last time, maybe it can do it again this time. I’m thinking something cheesy like an off key duet between Wade and Logan that ends in a kiss, but I’ve never been great at endings so I’ll leave it up to Ryan.

And bam @vancityreynolds I’ve got the outline of your new movie right here. I’ll accept payment in the form of one meet and greet with you and Hugh where I can take a picture of you guys holding my Toddler so I can frame it, hang it on the wall, and ask her for the rest of her life how she could possibly not remember something that happened when she was under 2 years old.

[anyasathenaeum]

I Need Some Sleep

A/N: Well, I wasn't kidding when I said I was gonna write the little scenario I described in this post and that nobody could stop me. I've always imagined dancing with Vash to this song from the Shrek 2 soundtrack because it reminds me so much of him. I listened to it while writing, so I encourage listening to it while you read. Enjoy. Warnings: Honestly, none, really. This one's wholesome, I swear

Sleepless nights weren't a new thing for Vash.

Over the many years he'd lived and spent wandering across the deserts of No Man's Land, he'd often found that sleep was just as elusive as the supposed Mayfly of love he had once joked about. Endless thoughts, what-ifs, and memories always seemed to haunt him once the glow of the moons was the only light left, and his mind never seemed to have an off switch. No matter what he did, no matter how many walks he took, no matter how much he tried to meditate or focus on trying to quiet his mind, sleep never seemed to come when he wanted it to.

As he stared at the ceiling of his little private cabin and listened to the steady rumble of the sandsteamer as it chugged along its route through the sand seas, Vash found himself feeling especially restless. He wondered to himself what it was that kept him awake this time - was it the usual, overwhelming sense of self-loathing he felt? Or the guilt that threatened to drown time every time he remembered that he'd failed to save somebody? Or was it just the worry he felt at the fact that you, his longtime travelling companion and one of his best and only friends, didn't end up in a cabin near his?

After what felt like at least a couple hours, Vash let out a deep sigh and gave up trying to identify the cause of his wakefulness, accepting that it was likely a result of a combination of all the things usually troubling him plus worry for you. Simultaneously, he decided to stop trying to force himself to sleep, knowing it would do him no good to continue trying at this point.

'Well... the least I can do is go make sure (Y/N)'s safe.' Vash thought to himself, standing and stretching while trying not to smash his head on the low ceiling of his cabin before quietly heading out to go check on you.

The sandsteamer almost felt abandoned. There wasn't a single soul in sight, not even a single straggler or drunk who'd lost their way back to their cabin. As Vash walked through the halls, he found himself thinking of you, wondering if you'd managed to fall asleep with the rumbling of the sandsteamer and the rare situation of having a room to yourself.

More often than not, you and Vash shared rooms and beds in inns, motels, or whatever accommodations you could find from time to time in order to save double-dollars, and the two of you were more accustomed to falling asleep with the other nearby, the sounds of the other's breathing and the way you both moved in sleep familiar to each other. So, to suddenly be greeted by complete and utter silence and a lack of your warmth was more than unsettling to Vash, more so than he cared to admit.

Not having you tucked up by his side as you slept felt... wrong.

He missed the feeling of your warmth against his body, the softness of you pressed up against him as you slept undisturbed, at peace by his side, peace that he brought you. He missed the sight of your face, somehow more youthful as you slumbered on. He missed the sound of your deep, steady breaths. He missed the scent of you and the way it would linger on his clothes the following morning.

He missed you.

However, Vash was quick to brush those thoughts away, shaking his head to himself as he approached your cabin. He couldn't be thinking about you like that. He couldn't be feeling about you like that. After all, it wouldn't be fair to you. You deserved better than the pitiful, stressful, touch-and go, unsettled life that Vash could offer you, even if he would love you better than anybody else ever could if you gave him the chance. In his eyes, in his mind, it wasn't enough for you. He wasn't enough for you. You deserved better.

However, all his self-deprecating thoughts disappeared the moment he realized that you weren't in your cabin.

'Where did you go?'

Trying hard to quell his rising panic, Vash decided to head up to the open-air decks first and look for you there, as he knew sometimes you, too, had difficulty sleeping. In those times, he tended to find you stargazing, your eyes glued to the heavens, mesmerized by the way the stars seemed to sparkle and dance in the night sky.

So, without wasting a second longer, Vash began to make his way up to the deck.

He walked much faster than he normally did, trying desperately to stop himself from breaking into a sprint all the way up to the deck and preventing his panic from overtaking him completely.

Yet, despite all his efforts, he found himself thinking on repeat, 'Please be safe. Please be safe. Oh, Gods, please let (Y/N) be safe.'

As Vash got up to the deck, he looked around for you, moving around as quickly as he could, desperation and fear beginning to take root in his heart when each place he searched came up empty.

Then, thankfully, he found you.

You sat on a bench on the deck, your head tilted up and your eyes on the heavens, watching the stars as the desert wind ruffled your clothes and hair. When you heard Vash's footsteps, you quickly glanced over to see who was approaching, your body tensing as if anticipating a fight. However, when you realized who it was, you quickly relaxed, an easy and genuine smile appearing on your lips.

"Oh, hey, Vash." You greeted your best friend with a small wave of your hand.

Trying hard not to let his relief be so obvious, Vash came over and sat on the bench next to you, smiling back at you warmly, "Hey, (Y/N). Couldn't sleep?"

"Nah," you answered, sighing softly as you leaned back against the bench, looking out at the endless dunes that passed as the sandsteamer chugged along. "It was simultaneously too loud and too quiet in my room. I couldn't get comfortable."

"I can understand that." Vash chuckled softly, following your gaze out onto the horizon. He let himself relax next to you, all his previous panic and worry fading away as he caught your scent, carried by the breeze.

A comfortable, familiar silence fell over the two of you as you sat there next to each other, taking in the sights of the sea of sand, the night sky and the moons that glowed bright enough to cast shadows. After a few minutes of silence, you allowed yourself to move a bit closer to Vash, letting your head rest on his shoulder as you let out a small sigh.

"It feels weird, sleeping without you being nearby." The words spilled from your lips before you could stop yourself. "I don't like it."

The flutter that Vash's heart gave betrayed the depth of his feelings for you, but he ignored it, focusing instead on answering quietly, "I don't like it, either. I'm not used to sleeping alone, anymore, I guess."

You found yourself looking up at the blonde gunman sitting next to you, a curious look on your face and a hint of worry seeping into your words. "Is that a bad thing?"

Vash couldn't stop himself from looking down at you, his eyes meeting yours as he pondered the answer. Then, after a couple moments, his lips turned upward into a small, amused smile. "No. It's not a bad thing."

You could feel your body relaxing slightly as you let out a breath you hadn't even realized you had been holding. Vash wanted to laugh at just how endearing your obvious relief was, but he restrained himself, instead turning his head so he could tear his gaze away from you, his heart pounding frantically in his chest.

After a couple more moments of comfortable silence between the two of you, you whispered softly, "You need some sleep, Vash."

Your care and concern for him was so obvious, your every word and the tone of your voice so telling that it made Vash want to scream. Instead, he simply offered you a quiet, weak laugh, "Yeah, I know. I just can't seem to get my mind to quiet down is all."

That made you pull away from him, your gaze remaining fixed on his face as you studied him carefully. You knew that Vash struggled with a lot more than what he shared with you, and that he carried a lot more scars than just the physical ones that marred his body. There were scars on his soul, more than you could ever think to know. You could only imagine how heavy a weight he carried on his shoulders and in his heart, and how badly you wished that he'd share some of the load with you. You knew better, though, than forcing him to do so, and you knew that when and if he decided to share any of the burden with you that you would carry it gladly.

Wordlessly, you stood up from the bench, turning so you were facing Vash and extending your hand out to him. Vash looked up at you quizzically, clearly not understanding what was going on. The determination and glint of something he couldn't place in your eyes, however, led him to offer you his prosthetic hand, gently resting it in yours.

Without hesitation, you tugged on his hand gently, clearly wanting him to stand with you. Vash followed your silent requests without complaint or question, but his curious expression remained, his blue eyes trained on your every move. As the two of you stood, you guided one of Vash's hands to your waist, trying hard not to let the heat rise to your face as you did so, before taking his other hand in yours and resting your free hand on his shoulder. Then, slowly, you began to sway the two of you back and forth, as if to some tune.

After a couple seconds, Vash settled into his stance, allowing himself to sway with you on the spot, a small chuckle escaping him. "(Y/N)? What are we doing?"

"Isn't it obvious, Stampede?" You replied, looking up at him with a playful little smile. "We're dancing."

"I figured that much out for myself, oddly enough." Vash answered with a proper laugh, his smile becoming more genuine as he kept his warm gaze on you. "I meant more along the lines of "why are we dancing?"."

You shrugged. "It seemed like a nice night for a dance."

Vash couldn't help but laugh softly at your reasoning, and he let himself relax and enjoy the gentle swaying of the two of you. Tightening his grip on your waist, he gently began to turn the two of you as you swayed, both of you completely unbothered by the lack of music. The thrumming of the sandsteamer's engine, the whistling of the wind, the shifting whisper of the sands, were your music.

You found yourself getting closer and closer to Vash the longer the two of you danced together, unsure if it was you stepping closer to him or him pulling you in or some combination of the two, but you couldn't bring yourself to care. As your head came to rest on his chest and you felt Vash rest his chin on the top of your head, you let your eyes close, focusing on the feeling of Vash against you.

He was your safe space. Your home, in every way that it mattered. Your heart was his, even if he didn't know it, and always would be. And right now, on the deck of the sandsteamer, there was only the two of you in the world, as far as you were concerned. You knew that Vash needed some way to get his mind off his worries so that he could rest, and maybe, just maybe, this would do the trick.

Meanwhile, Vash finally felt his mind fall quiet, his focus solely on you and holding you close to him as the two of you gently rocked from side to side in time to some silent tune. Somehow, just the feeling of you in his arms and dancing with you in the middle of the night on the deck of a sandsteamer was enough to pull him away from the suffering that plagued his mind. You were a soothing balm to the torn, raw and bleeding mess that was his soul.

"You finally dozin' off on me, (Y/N)?" Vash's voice teased you playfully after a couple minutes of silence, a gentle undertone to his words.

You reopened your eyes, pulling your head away from his chest so you could look up into his eyes. "Not yet. I'm just enjoying this. Besides, I don't think I'll be able to sleep when I'm alone again."

A slight frown appeared on Vash's face at your statement, and he whispered back before he could stop himself, "You don't have to be alone."

Your eyes widened as you looked at him, and you could've sworn you saw his cheeks and the tips of his ears darken slightly as he said that. Uncertainty filled you, but so did the overwhelming need to accept Vash's thinly-veiled offer.

All you could bring yourself to ask was, "Are you sure?"

Vash nodded slowly, his eyes not leaving yours for a moment despite the deepening of his blush. "I'm sure. I'd prefer to have you nearby, anyways. It always makes me nervous when you're not close enough for me to protect you."

That made your heart flutter wildly in your chest, and you could feel the heat rising to your own face now as you answered, "You don't always have to protect me, you know?"

Something in Vash's face shifted, a resoluteness taking its place in his eyes as he looked at you, his voice firm and leaving no place for argument or negotiation. "Yes, I do, (Y/N)."

You felt the heat in your face intensify at his resolve and determination to protect you, and while you desperately wanted to ask him where this was coming from, you didn't have the courage to start down that road.

Not yet.

Instead, you asked quietly, "Should we head back, then?"

You could've sworn you felt Vash's grip on your waist tighten a bit, pressing you against him just a little more than before. His expression became warm and tender as he continued to spin the two of you, something you couldn't quite identify shining in his eyes and a genuine smile appearing on his lips.

"Not yet. We've only just gotten started."

[beom-pyu]

truth or drink! (engaged edition): choi soobin

part 3 of the truth or drink series! <3

other parts: beomgyu & taehyun "my ex + my boyfriend edition" yeonjun "couples edition" kai "blind date edition"

slightly nsfw! (minors dni.)

welcome to truth or drink! engaged couples will ask each other a set of random questions. they can either answer the question or take a shot.

“i’m soobin and this is my fiance...”

“y/n!”

how long have you guys been together?

YOU: "4 and a half years."

how long have you guys been engaged?

SB: “going on 2 months now.”

who talked about marriage first?

SB: “y/n.”

YOU: “me.”

and how did that go?

SB: “they actually said it the first time we met at a mutual friend’s birthday party.”

YOU: “i was shitfaced and he had really cute dimples, so i told him we should get married. and he said okay!”

did you get engaged on the spot?

SB: “they completely forgot who i was by the next day, so i had to do all of the courting and work to even get them to go on a date with me.”

YOU: “it was worth it though.”

SB: “of course it was.”

SOOBIN: what was your first impression of me?

YOU: “other than the birthday incident, i thought you were way cooler than you actually are.”

SB: “am i not cool???”

YOU: “you are like… pitifully cute?”

SB: “that makes me sound like a charity case.”

YOU: “the cutest charity case ever.”

YOU: is there anything about getting married that scares you—something you haven’t shared with me?

SB: “hm… rationally, i know it probably won’t happen, but i feel like you’ll get bored of me at some point?”

YOU: “i could never get bored of you, baby. well… only your league of legends talk, but i love everything else.”

SB: “what’s wrong with my league of legends talk?”

you gently place your hand on top of his.

YOU: “everything.”

SOOBIN: what is something you want to try in the bedroom that we’ve never done before?

YOU: “bottoms up.”

SB: “hey, no! this is a safe space.”

YOU: “i think my mom is watching this, soobin.”

SB: “hi, y/n’s mom. now tell me.”

YOU: “if i say mine, you have to say yours.”

SB: “deal.”

YOU: “i want to like… tie you up.”

SB: “wait, i was gonna say that!”

YOU: “no way.”

SB: “yes way.”

YOU: “see, we’re a match made in heaven.”

YOU: on the count of three, both of us say the number of children we would ideally have.

YOU: “one, two, three. two!”

SB: “five!”

YOU: “five?”

SB: “i was going to say six, but i lowered it just for you.”

you give soobin an incredulous stare.

YOU: “i need a shot.”

SOOBIN: if you had one hall pass, who would you sleep with?

YOU: “people we know or…?”

the producer gives you a thumbs up.

YOU: “i’m gonna drink.”

SB: “wait, now i’m curious.”

YOU: “what about you?”

…

SB: “...pour me one, too.”

YOU: who proposed to who, and how did they propose?

SB: “i proposed. but it was really messy.”

YOU: “really cute actually. he had just gotten home from a month-long business trip and, if you didn’t know, he’s a really emotional person—”

SB: “i’m not that emotional.”

YOU: “you cried watching shrek, honey.”

SB: “that was one time.”

YOU: “you also cried during our first ti—”

SB: “continue on with the proposal, please.”

soobin pours another shot, just because, and you laugh under your breath.

YOU: “i was already in bed when he got home and he just got into bed and started bawling.”

SB: “i wasn’t ‘bawling’, i was sniffling.”

YOU: “you were bawling. anyways, he pulled me into his arms and was just like ‘please, please marry me, the love of my life, my entire universe, i can’t live without you, i need you forever—’”

SB: “okay, now you’re just making stuff up.”

YOU: “so you admit you were bawling?”

...

SB: “next question.”

SOOBIN: have you ever seriously considered breaking up with me?

YOU: “i wouldn’t say seriously…”

SB: “so you actually have considered it?”

the pout on soobin’s lips is prominent.

YOU: “you know work takes up a lot of your time, and i didn’t really understand where you were coming from in the beginning. so i guess i’ve thought about it once or twice, but i never really wanted to go through with it. i can’t see myself with anyone else but you.”

SB: “i think i’m the only one that can handle you, anyways.”

YOU: “woah, what does that mean?”

soobin just laughs and kisses the back of your hand.

SB: “take it as you will, baby.”

YOU: how often do we have sex, and how often should we have sex?

SB: “every other day…? i feel like that's more than average.”

YOU: “yeah, you’re very needy.”

SB: “i’m not needy. i’m just obsessed with you.”

YOU: “see, look, you’re trying to get into my pants right now!”

SB: “...is it working?”

YOU: “yes.”

SOOBIN: when was the last time you masturbated, and where was i?

YOU: “like, two days ago? and you were out with one of your friends.”

SB: “i still don’t know if he accidentally saw the videos you sent me or not...”

YOU: “doesn’t sound like you’re complaining.”

SB: “i’m the only one who can fuck you right, so i’m not worried.”

YOU: “mom, if you’re watching this. i’ve never had sex. i don’t even know what sex is.”

YOU: who or what do you picture when masturbating?

SB: “your ass. and your lips.”

YOU: “that was quick, woah.”

SB: “sorry y/n’s mom.”

SOOBIN: what’s your favorite and least favorite sex position?

YOU: “i think i like spooning the most? only because i don’t have to do a lot of work.”

SB: “i can’t believe you tried to convince me you’re not a pillow princess.”

YOU: “i’m not! i can be on top if i want to!”

SB: “isn’t that your least favorite though?”

YOU: “yes, but anything is good if it involves your dick so…”

SB: “and you say i’m the needy one.”

YOU: “it’s mutual!”

YOU: the average duration of sex for most couples is 10 minutes. how long do you think we last?

SB: “honestly, hours.”

YOU: “he has an inhuman libido. please pray for me.”

SB: “okay, ‘inhuman’ is an exaggeration.”

YOU: “no, you are like superman. i’m serious.”

SOOBIN: what is my biggest flaw?

YOU: “you only dress up if it’s for special occasions.”

SB: “i try my best!”

YOU: “will you let me reform your closet?”

SB: “as long as you’re paying.”

YOU: “...nevermind. you look sexy in sweatpants anyways.”

SOOBIN: about 40 to 60% of married couples divorce. do you think we will last?

YOU: “check back in after a year.”

SB: “woah, i thought we were going to grow old and wrinkly and brittle together? you don’t want to bump canes?”

YOU: “i don’t like the way you worded that.”

SB: “so i’m going to take that as a yes.”

you roll your eyes, but a smile forms on your face nonetheless.

YOU: “in all seriousness, you know i’m in love with you and i don’t think there’s anyone else out there that i’d even consider marrying. i’d love to grow wrinkly and old with you.”

SB: “awe, my little prune.”

YOU: “you’re so weird.”

SB: “and now you’re stuck with me forever~”

you look towards the camera.

YOU: “save me, please.”

masterlist

©️BEOM-PYU

[jeonghanspookie]

The Plan

"Okay so what are we gonna do about Y/N and Vernon?"

The group of 12 decided they have had enough of the weird tension between their two friends. They all gathered at Mingyu's apartment to come up with a plan that could get the two to reconcile.

Of course they also made this meetup an excuse to get Mingyu to cook them a meal and for Seungcheol to buy them some drinks.

In fact the meetup was starting to look like one of their bbq nights.

Chan, who was currently making himself a wrap, spoke up, "Yeah we gotta figure out how to get the two to make up. I can't work under these conditions anymore!"

Jeonghan nodded his head. "Yeah and I don't think I can play another round of Dress to Impress with Y/N. One can only troll so much on Roblox."

"No yeah we definitely need to get them to reconcile."

"I've had enough of seeing Vernon eat Toast every lunch"

"Yeah I don't know if I can do another Taco Bell run with Y/N. Everything tastes the same to me know"

"And if I have to listen to Vernon explaining which Shrek movie is the best out of the whole franchise again I'm gonna crash out for real"

With a mouth full of rice, Soonyoung made a sound of agreement. "Whaf ebenf haftend-" he let out muffled.

"I don't know but I'm guessing it happened after work on Tuesday. They were fine with each other during their closing shifts that day, but when they came in the next morning they were acting so cold to each other." Dokyeom said while continuing to flip the meat on the grill.

From across the table Junhui was eyeing the biggest piece pork belly on the grill.

Joshua made a displeased face. "Maybe they were just mad they had to open after closing"

"Nah" Seungkwan started, "They were both being normal to everyone else. Plus the two of them play games til like 2 AM everyday so it doesn't make a difference if they closed the night before.

The piece of pork was one flip away from being grilled to perfection.

"WAIT THATS IT!" Wonwoo exclaimed.

"Huh"

Seokmin flipped the piece of pork.

Wonwoo stood up to explain, "Tuesday nights are when we work on our Minecraft neighborhood."

"Nerds" Seungcheol interrupted.

Wonwoo rolled his eyes. "Anyway. They were fine before I left the discord call and the Minecraft server and that was a little after midnight. So something most likely happened after that."

He then looked over to Soonyoung and Seokmin. "You guys were still in the server with them after I left right? Did anything happen?"

Soonyoung shrugged. "We weren't there for long after you left.."

"Yeah we got kicked out of the call and the server since we kept arguing because Soonyoung killed my horse!" Seokmin glared at the so called horse killer.

"THAT WASNT MY FAULT AND YOU KNOW IT"

"THE SCREEN LITERALLY SAID 'KING KONG WAS SLAIN BY HORANGHAE96' OF COURSE IT WAS YOUR FAULT"

Junhui finally picked up the precious piece of pork and put it on his plate.

"I was just trying to ride your horse." Soonyoung pouted. "I didn't know I was hitting him with my sword"

"There's literally a button to get on the horse" Jihoon interjected.

"HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!"

Right as Soonyoung yelled out his defense, he stood up with his arms out, bumping into Junhui's shoulder in the process making Jun drop the piece of pork belly he had almost brought to his mouth.

"Wait you named your horse King Kong?" Joshua quesy Seokmin.

Junhui now stares at his piece of pork that is now on the floor.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter" Mingyu said as he brought in some more bowls of rice. "Let's just figure out what happened and how to fix it."

Seungkwan agreed. "Yeah! We're losing the plot!"

"Why don't yall go back on the server and see if anything happened." Minghao suggested.

Jun settles for the next best piece of pork.

"Oh what the fuck"

"It says Vernon made the world private"

"What does that mean?"

"It means only he can he join the server."

"Tell Vernon to come over right now. We need answers!"

15 minutes later

"So yeah. Basically I accidentally led a creeper into the underground tunnels we have connecting our houses together and Y/N got too close to it and it ended up blowing up part of her house. Specifically Dumbledore's room." Vernon explained.

"Dumbledore? Like the wizard? I thought you guys were playing Minecraft?"

Wonwoo sighed. "Y/N named her cat in Minecraft Dumbledore"

"Ohhh"

"So that explains why she's mad at you" Minghao concludes. "Now why are you mad at her?"

Vernon runs his hands up and down his face.

"So after the creeper exploded Y/N got mad at me because when she went to go look at the damage she noticed that Dumbledore was gone. And because she got mad at me she went to my house and destroyed my bed and then she started chasing me around with her netherite sword. Before I knew it she killed my character and I had to respond at the default spawn point because she destroyed my bed. At least I had the coordinates but Y/N turned them off so I couldn't go back to the neighborhood. So then I got mad and we started arguing and then it ended with me kicking her out of the server." Vernon ended with a frown on his face.

"I'm not even mad at Y/N, it was just in the moment. Now I feel so bad because her house is destroyed and Dumbledore is gone"

"Yall are really fighting over some stup-" Jihoon starts.

"What Jihoon means to say is that we can fix this." Seungkwan says as he covers Jihoon's mouth before he could finish his sentence that could have potentially made Vernon even sadder.

"Yeah just spawn a cat that looks like Dumbledore and say that he was outside and not in his room." Joshua says.

Seems reasonable.

Vernon looks at the group with an unconvinced face. "I don't know guys. That just feels wrong."

Jeonghan pats the younger boy's back. "If it makes you feel any better, that's probably the 9th Dumbledore we'll replace"

Vernon looks up at him.

"WHAT"

Jeonghan nods. "Yeah the original Dumbledore was gone a long time ago. It got in the way when I was trying to shoot arrows at a skeleton and I ended up hitting him instead."

Vernon's jaw dropped.

"I accidentally left his door open once and a zombie got to him." Soonyoung admitted.

"Pretty sure Mingyu killed him once too because he thought it was a mob"

Vernon looked to the group with his eyes wide. "So you guys have been replacing Dumbledore with a clone every time you get him killed?"

"Yeah pretty much"

"Do you think Y/N will believe us?"

"How do you even have the cat spawn egg? We turned off the option to switch to creative mode."

"I have my ways"

"OH MY GOD! Dumbledore was outside in the garden Vern! He's perfectly fine!" Y/N cheered over the discord call.

"Thank goodness he's safe." Vernon says slowly.

"Aw I'm sorry I made you go back to the OV spawn point." Y/N says apologetically. "Here let me turn on cords so you can get back and we can keep expanding the tunnels!"

"Down! We should rebuild Dumbledore's room first!"

"Right!" Y/N laughed. "Let's go!"

As the two were playing and chatting over discord, the rest of the 12 boys looked over at Vernon smiling at the computer screen with a fond smiles on their faces.

Balance was restored.

prev <- masterlist -> next

A/N: Yeah some of this doesn't follow Minecraft laws but whatever.

[ripdragonbeans]

Not Him, I Swear // Modern!Aegon II x Reader // Pt. 4

Summary: You meet with Aegon after your date. Feelings and truths are revealed.

CW: afab reader, profanity, eventual smut, oh Aegon has feelings??????

Dreams of Shrek and Aegon danced in your head that night. Donkey frolicked through flowers and Puss in Boots was on his back. You held Aegon’s hand as you followed Donkey, wanting to see what kind of mischief he was going to get into. The dream was sweet and fun until it morphed into something else.

Aegon was laughing at you. He tugged you close to him and he tilted your face up by your chin. “I can't believe you fell for it. You think I'd actually like you?”

You shook your head. “What?”

“It's a game. Always has been. I'd never actually go out with you. You're a joke.” He laughed maniacally as he pushed you away.

The force of the push was enough to land you on your butt. You wrapped your arms around yourself and looked up at the one you thought cared for you.

“Why?” You needed an answer.

“Because it's fun.” Aegon turned around and disappeared into a mist.

Donkey and Puss in Boots had left while Aegon was laughing at you. It was just you in the field. You were alone.

Gasping for breath you sat up straight and held your chest. It wasn't real. There was no field, no Donkey and Puss in Boots, and it wasn't a game. You know it isn't. In your heart you know what you have with Aegon isn't fake but your brain seems to say otherwise.

“I don't know if I can keep this up, man,” Aegon said to Cregan.

The two guys were lounging in the living room of the frat house. There was a party the night before so trash was strewn everywhere and the stink of weed and alcohol still wafted through the air. 

“Don't tell me you actually feel bad for the chick,” Cregan said as he punched on his breakfast. “She's just another girl, nothing new. This isn't like you.”

“Maybe I am actually starting to fall for her.”

“If you wanna give up, fine. That means I win the bet.”

Aegon cursed under his breath. On one hand, he wanted to give up the bet, to truly try to be with you. But on the other hand, his pride wouldn't let him throw away the bet.

A smirk appeared on Cregan’s face. “You’re not gonna give up on the bet, are you?”

“No,” Aegon said through clenched teeth.

“Good luck. You have three days left.”

“It was weird, Hel.” You were telling Helaena all about your dream. “It was fun at first but then it got dark real quick.”

“I mean…” Helaena trailed off. “I'm sorry but I wouldn't be surprised if your brain is correct and Aegon is just playing you.”

Your mouth dropped. “How could you say that?!”

“I don't mean to be rude, I'm just being honest, sweetie.”

“She's right,” came Jace’s voice from the hallway.

After you woke up from your strange dream turned nightmare, you made your way to the kitchen to find Helaena fixing up breakfast. It was a comfort in contrast to what your mind had just decided to make up. 

You smiled. “Hey, Jace.”

“How’d the date go?” He asked you.

A flush appeared on your cheeks. “It was the best! Shrek 2 is always fun and,” you paused for dramatic effect. “I got high!”

Jace’s brows furrowed. “And that's a good thing?”

“I tried something I've never done before! I took a leap and enjoyed it a lot.”

“Do you remember anything about the date?” Questioned Helaena.

“I remember having fun. Nothing happened except seeing the movie and getting high. Oh, the popcorn was to die for. It was so good! I wanted an Icee but Aegon said no. He took care of me last night.”

Helaena nodded her head but looked suspicious. “I just find it weird that my brother is acting like this.”

“Hel, why can't you just be happy for me?”

“Because, sweetie, I don't want you to get hurt. I've seen what Aegon can do to girls and I don't want that to happen to you. Not after what you've been through.”

Pouting, you thought about your past and Jason. You were so quick to give everything to him and yet he turned around and tossed you away as though you were nothing. The mere thought of it happening again terrified you. “I told you I'm not going to rush into this relationship and I mean it.”

Jace sighed. “Hey, remember what I said? I heard there might be a bet going on. I'd just be really cautious.”

Your heart hopped into your throat. “I refuse to believe that,” you croaked out. “I'm not some play toy.” You got up and left the kitchen to go to the guest room, sure to close the door a little louder than usual.

“Your sister and Jace are being downers so I figured I'd hit you up,” You texted Aegon.

“Sucks that they're acting like that. We're the best looking couple,” He replied.

You smiled at the text. With his history you've always wondered if you two would actually make a good looking couple. It was an insecurity of yours. Thankfully, Aegon put that to rest. Your phone buzzed.

“Wanna meet up? We can walk downtown or something.”

“Sure :)”

You put your phone down and went back into the kitchen only to find Jace and Helaena speaking in hushed voices. You stopped behind a corner to listen to them.

“I think this bet that's going on is real,” Jace said. “I overheard Cregan talking to someone else about it. Apparently they think they're gonna win.”

“Do you know what the bet is about?” Helena sounded worried.

“From what I've heard, it's that Aegon can get her in his bed by the end of two weeks.”

“Jace! That's only a few days from now! We have to stop this.”

You couldn't bear to hear the rest so you stepped out from behind the corner. “Stop what?” You feigned innocence.

Helena came up to you with sadness in her eyes. Her arms were outstretched to gather your hands in hers. “I think you need to let Aegon go, sweetie.”

You shook your head violently. “No. I'm not letting him go. This is the best I've felt since before Jason!” 

“I don't trust him. Never have. You need to protect yourself and leave him,” Jace said.

“I'm not gonna hear it.” A tear rolled down your face. “I'm actually going to meet him right now. I'll even ask him if that makes you feel better.”

“If you ask him, he's gonna lie! Please, leave him. If not for yourself then for us. Helaena and I only want what's best for you.”

You looked at both of them, conflicted between wanting to believe them or your heart. Aegon made everything better. Just being with him lifted your spirits. So, instead of saying anything, you have them one last nod for a goodbye and headed out the door.

It was slightly chilly when you stepped outside but you welcomed it all the same. Holding out your arms, you let the wind blow your troubles away. 

“Am I meeting you somewhere or are you picking me up? I kinda already left the apartment bc they were making me upset.” You sent the text.

“Oh fuck I'll pick you up! Hold on Im omw!” he replied.

Smiling to yourself, you stepped away from the front door and made your way to the nearby park. You sat on the bench and thought about all that was said. It played in a constant circulation in your head. Your heart wants one thing but your head says another. It was tiring.

Soon enough, Aegon pulled up in his car. He got out and went to sit next to you on the bench.

“How'd you find me here?” You asked him.

“When you said my sister and Jace were bothering you I figured you'd want to get away from them. Also I saw you,” he said.

You sighed. “It's just exhausting. They both say that you're playing me. Hell, even my dreams are saying that!” 

He paled a little. “And what makes them say that?” 

“Helena and Jace bring up your history a lot. That you've never treated anyone like you treat me.”

“And your head?”

“I think I'm just scared. After Jason…” you trailed off.

Aegon scooter closer to you. “Do you remember what you told me when you were high?”

You shook your head and laughed. “There's only a bit that I remember if I'm being honest.”

He took your hands in his. He didn't look up at you. “You said you loved me.”

“What?” 

“I said that I loved the date and then you said you loved me. I tried to correct you but you said no, you loved me.”

You pulled your hands away from Aegon and stood up from the bench. “Oh, my gods, I'm so sorry, Aegon!”

He stood up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. “It's okay,” he whispered. “Because I love you, too.”

Turning around in his arms, you have him a hard look. “Don't play with me, Aegon.”

“I'm not, I promise.”

You took a deep breath. “As long as you're not playing with me, then I'm not playing with you. I love you, Aegon.”

Your heart fluttered at his words. He loved you. Aegon Targaryen loved you.

You stood on your tip toes and placed a gently kiss on his lips. Hesitantly, Aegon kissed you back. It was complete bliss. Your hands went to cup his face while his hands unwound themselves to hold your waist. You wanted his hands to go lower. Shaking your ass a bit, you smiled into the kiss as encouragement. Instead of going lower, Aegon brought his hands up to ghost over the side of your breasts. As you moaned into the kiss, Aegon took that opportunity to slide his tongue in. It was decadent. The feel of him inside you was enough to make you grind on him a bit. You wanted more. You needed more. Breaking apart from the kiss, you lead him to his car and pressed your back against it so you were caged between Aegon and the car.

You pulled him close enough so you would whisper in his ear, “Let's take this to your place.”

This was it. The chance to win the bet. Aegon could take this moment and see it through or he could throw it away to protect you.

Aegon’s grip on your waist tightened as he took a deep breath. “Remember what we both said? That I love you and you love me? ”

“Yeah,” you said breathlessly.

“Please, don’t forget it.” He paused. “I'm telling you this because you deserve it. You deserve better than me.” 

You shook your head and gave him a joking smile. “What do you mean? You’re who I want.”

He took his hands off of you and stepped back. “No, you don’t.” He took a deep breath. “There was a bet,”

Your face fell. “No. No, no, no,” you began to say.

“Cregan bet that I couldn't get you to sleep with me in two weeks. And like the idiot I am, I took it. I just didn't expect…”

You laughed mirthlessly and took more steps away from him. You wrapped your arms around yourself and tried to control your breathing. Tears burned in the corners of your eyes. “Expect what? To catch feelings? To care? To fall in love?”

Aegon looked at you with genuine care in his eyes. “Yes. I fell in love with you hard and fast and I'm so sorry, kitten.” He reached out to you.

With tears rolling down your face, you recoiled as quickly as you could away from his touch. “Don't call me kitten. I never was, never will be.”

“Please, I'm so sorry.” Aegon looked like he was about to cry but you tossed that observation from your mind.

“And to think I actually trusted you. That I actually thought you would be better than Jason.” You looked him up and down and looked him hard in the eye. “Well, thank the gods I didn't actually fuck you then.”

Aegon flinched at your words. “Listen, I -”

You stopped him. “There is no ‘listen’. Just go back to your frat house and find someone else to fuck.” Turning on your heels, you left him.

Deep in your heart you wanted Aegon to follow you, to beg for your forgiveness even more. But he didn't. You glanced behind yourself only to find him staring at you. In one last ditch effort to make him feel like shit, you held your middle finger up in the air before walking out of his view.

After you walked the length of the park a few times, never running into Aegon, you went back to Helaena's place. Unlocking the door, warmth flooded you as soon as you stepped through the threshold; as did the tears. You couldn't stop the sobs from coming out.

Helaena came out, hearing your crying. “Sweetie, what's happened?”

“You were right,” you sniffled. “You and Jace were both right and I'm just a fucking idiot!”

Helaena engulfed you in a hug then brought you to the couch in the living area. “Let me get Jace and then we'll talk about what happened, okay?”

You gave your friend a snotty nod.

“Good.” Off she went to find Jace.

Bringing your legs up to fetal position, you let yourself fall to the side on the pillows. Slowly, as though your body couldn't handle much, you reached for a blanket to cover up.

“She's here,” you heard Helaena say to Jace. 

As their footsteps came closer, you braced yourself for the difficult discussion up ahead.

When Helaena and Jace sat themselves in front of you on the other couch you didn't say anything. Neither of them tried to speak, either. It was just silent except for your occasional sniffles. Eventually, you were able to talk.

“You were right,” you said between hiccups. Once your sobs slowed down, hiccups took their place.

Helaena and Jace simply looked at each other, waiting for you to continue.

“It was a lie. It was all a lie. The bet that you heard about, Jace? It was true.”

Jace swore. “Fucking hell.”

“Tell me what to do to him and I'll do it, I swear,” Helaena said.

“No!” You sat up straight. “I don't want either of you to do anything.”

“Give your heart a break and think with your head right now. He can't just get away with this!” Jace yelled.

You flinched. “Please don’t yell. And he’s not. He's hurting as much as I am.”

“How can you be so sure, sweetie?” Helaena reached to hold your hand but you shuffled away.

You whispered your next words. “He said he loved me.”

Jace scoffed. “I'm sorry, but I don't believe that. You can't say you love someone then drop them like that.”

“No, Jace,” Helaena cut in. “Aegon wouldn't have said anything if he didn't care.” She looked at you. “He cares for you, that much I know.”

“What do I do now?” You asked your two friends.

“We heal. We take the time we need to process everything and we heal.”

“I'll keep Aegon away until you're ready,” Jace chimed in.

“What if I want to see him now?” You argued.

“You’re way too emotional right now. We don't want you to do anything stupid.”

“What? Like falling in love with him? Don't worry, I've already done the stupid thing.”

Helaena moved to hug you and this time you let her. “You know that's not what we mean.” 

Burying your face in the neck, you let her presence comfort you. “Can I sleep here?”

“I think Jace and I would prefer you sleep in a bed.”

“No, I took your bed last night.”

“And you can sleep there again.”

You sighed in defeat; too tired to argue. Pulling away from the hug, you stretched your arms up before pulling the blanket back around you. You let Helaena and Jace help you up and move into Helaena’s room, even though their help was unnecessary. Still, it was appreciated. When you got to Helaena’s bed, you tucked yourself in. Distantly, you heard Helaena and Jace say their goodnights.

As you closed your eyes, you thought about the good times you had with Aegon and mourned the loss of never having them again.

[agaypanic]

Okay listen a fix based on this tik tok

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8fK6cmv/

It was made like last year and I still have it stuck in my head. Love your work btw🫶

If You Really Love Her (Bernard the Elf X Human!Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: Your friendship with Bernard has turned into silent infatuation, unknowingly from both sides. Jack Frost, loving to cause trouble, talks Bernard out of giving you a gift when he realizes that the elf has fallen in love with you. After all, how could an elf ever be with a human?

A/N: the fact that this fic is written from a request about a tiktok where the plot is based on a scene in shrek 2 is insane lmao changed the snow globe from the tiktok to a locket btw. also i left it on a bit of a cliffhanger so if yall want a part 2 lmk

***

Bernard was known to become very high-strung during Christmas. How could he not? Being in charge of hundreds of elves and a workshop and having to help make sure one of the biggest holidays of the year was a worldwide success was sure to take its toll on a guy. But for a few years, Bernard’s saving grace in the intensity of Christmas has become you.

You were quick to become friends, despite his somewhat grumpy disposition. You didn’t mind that he was a thousand-and-some-year-old workaholic, and he didn’t mind that you were a peppy human. 

After a while, he wasn’t exactly sure when the turning point was; Bernard’s platonic feelings for you had evolved. At first, he thought that it was just because he didn’t see you much, so he basked in all the moments you had together. But then he started wanting even more time with you, doing things that friends didn’t usually do.

After a few years of being silent about his growing feelings, Bernard felt the need to do something about it. He was getting sick of pretending that he was content with friendship. He decided the perfect opportunity to tell you was when you came to the North Pole with Santa and Charlie after the Christmas Eve rounds.

Which, if Santa was on schedule, was in a few hours. The whole night, nerves and anxiety-riddled Bernard, more than usual anyway. He paced around his office, your Christmas present jingling in his pocket.

Eventually, he decided to get some fresh air. Being cooped up in the small room and constantly overthinking couldn’t be good for him. Besides, he didn’t want to be a nervous wreck when you came.

Walking out of the workshop, Bernard took a deep breath, watching a cloud leave his mouth as he exhaled from how cold it was. Surprisingly, it was colder than usual.

“Hey, Bernie.” It immediately became less surprising when Bernard heard that annoying voice.

“Jack.” The elf greeted shortly, not bothering to turn around to look at the insufferable being. It was bad enough that he was overthinking his confession and your possible reactions. But now Bernard also had to deal with this winter spirit who seemed to have a knack for tricks. “Don’t you have another volcano to go freeze over?”

“Oh, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.” Jack ignored the elf correcting him on his name and placed a chilly hand on his shoulder, making him jolt. “Why so blue? It’s Christmas!”

“I’m aware.”

“Whatcha got jingling in your pocket, bud?” Before Bernard could answer or tell Jack to mind his business, Jack stuck his hand into Bernard’s pocket and pulled out a silver heart-shaped locket. “Ooh, who’s this for?”

“None of your business, Frost!” Bernard tried swiping the necklace back, but Jack raised it out of reach.

“I think I’ll take a little look if you don’t mind.” The man said, knowing that Bernard minded extremely. He read the small inscription on the heart. “‘I’m just a call away.’ Aw, how cute, Bernie. Didn’t know you were such a romantic. Now, what’s inside, I wonder. Let’s see… oh my god.” Bernard cringed at the reaction, watching Jack’s mouth gape wide open as he opened the locket and saw the picture that was inside. The winter spirit laughed, tilting his head towards the elf. “A human? Really, Bernie, I’m surprised at you.”

“Give it back.” Bernard hissed but was ignored.

“I’ve seen this girl before!” Jack realized. “She’s Santa’s kid’s little friend! What, were you gonna give this to her when she came to the North Pole? I bet you were.” Jack shut the locket, reading the inscription once more. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were in love with this girl.”

Bernard didn’t answer. He hadn’t really thought about that before. Yes, he knew that his feelings for you were no longer platonic. He liked you very much. But love?

The more he thought about it, the more plausible it seemed.

“Good thing I know better.” Jack tossed the locket back to Bernard, who barely caught it, having been too wrapped up in his thoughts. But Bernard also caught Jack’s tone, like he knew something that Bernard didn’t.

“So what if I do, Frost? It’s none of your business either way.” Bernard quickly pocketed the necklace so Jack wouldn’t take it again. 

Jack raised an icy eyebrow, leaning forward to become face-to-face with Bernard.

“So what if you do?” Jack mocked, soon laughing. “She’s a human, short stuff. And you are an elf. No amount of magic could ever fix that.” Jack straightened up, taking pride in the way Bernard’s expression fell. “Unless, of course, you retire, which we both know would never happen. And she could never stay here; she has a life to live in the real world.”

“But I love her…” Bernard said it half as a realization and half as a counter to Jack’s argument. He gripped the heart-shaped locket tightly as if it could shut Jack Frost’s mouth for good.

“If you really loved her, Bernie, you’d let her go.” Jack grinned at Bernard’s gloominess. But the elf didn’t see that, because he kept his head down and eyes locked on his shoes. “It’s only fair, really. She’d eventually become miserable, being stuck at the North Pole with you. Growing older and older while you don’t age a day. Wondering what kind of life she could’ve had.”

Bernard took in Jack’s words, each one making him panic more and more. Jack Frost was right, as much as he hated to admit it. You would be miserable here. And he didn’t want to leave, at least not now. But time was on his side and not yours.

“But hey! What do I know?” Jack slapped Bernard on the shoulder and skipped off, probably reveling in the fact that he had caused such trouble and was now wandering off to see if he could cause some more.

But Bernard felt frozen to the front steps of the workshop. He couldn’t face you, not right now, not when he was like this. 

Realizing your arrival time was in just a few short hours, Bernard raced inside and to the lodging area of the workshop. He skidded to a stop in front of your room. You had become such a regular guest during the holidays that Bernard had taken it upon himself to put your name on the bedroom door.

He walked in, seeing that the room was exactly as you had last left it. He took the locket from his pocket and gently placed it on one of your pillows. Bernard was about to leave it at that, but he quickly decided it wasn’t enough. You deserved more than a little trinket left on your bed.

Bernard decided to write a little note for you to accompany the locket, using the stationary on the desk that sat in the corner of the room. But the little note became a long note, containing confessions and anxious thoughts and apologies. 

Bernard placed the note on the pillow with the necklace when it was finally finished. He stared at it for a few seconds before rearranging the two objects differently, hating the sight more and more. In a moment of frustration, Bernard shoved the locket and the note underneath the pillow, not wanting to see it anymore. Then he stormed out before he could freak out any further. 

It was better this way, Bernard tried to convince himself. If you found his gift and read the note, you understand. If you didn’t, he supposed that would just be less heartbreak for the both of you. In the end, you’d be happy. Even if he was miserable, Bernard just wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with him.

Because, after all, how could an elf ever be with a human?

***

Bernard the Elf Taglist: @katerinaval

[shiggyscumrag]

Puff Puff Pass

[Getting high with Brett and then fucking the shit out of him!! CONTENT WARNINGS: oral (male receiving), vaginal sex, cursing, praise, drug use: weed]

Let’s just say he had a pretty fucking stressful day at cognito and just wanted to get home to you. The gang asked if he wanted to go for drinks, and he almost gives in when you step in.

“Actually Brett and I were planning on spending the night together at home.” You speak up wrapping your body around his arm. Looking down at you, looking back at them, then back at you again not knowing what to do. Brett is a yes man and can’t say no to anyone, especially not the people he loves most in the world! The love of his life v.s. His work family! Before anyone can speak up you squeeze his arm and say “Have fun guys!” Brett slowly starts being pulled away after you start walking towards the exit. He speaks up as the office door is closing on him.

“Can’t say no the wife gang, I’ll drink with you guys later!” He gives a wave and the door barely misses his nose almost pinching it shut. He then turns to you “I didn’t know we had plans to stay in tonight?” He felt bad for not remembering you saying anything about a date night.

“Well you looked stressed this past week and haven’t been getting the best sleep so I thought you could use a night in.” You say squeezing his arm slightly. He loved the sentiment truly, he was also relieved he didn’t forget a date night. He would’ve felt terrible. You don’t deserve a man who doesn’t remember a simple date night. You could do so much better-

“I got some weed so that you could really relax. I was thinking we could just smoke, cuddle and watch a movie. Sound good to you?” You spoke interrupting his thoughts. You were always good at stopping his over thinking, even if you didn’t know it.

“That sounds really nice actually.” He smiles getting into the car. Once you’re back at your shared apartment you decide it would probably be good to get some food. When Brett goes to start making food you stop him.

“Hey hey mister, this is a lazy night so you’re not cooking and I’m not either. I thought we could order in dinner and some snacks since we’re gonna be soaring in the clouds here soon.” You chuckle, hands still placed on his chest from trying to stop him from entering the kitchen.

“I guess that would be pretty nice. We have been cooking a lot lately so we could afford to splurge. Ah what am I saying let’s do it!” He screams as he launches his arms in the air. It looks like he’s doing a victory pose.

“Perfect, I’ll order and it will be a surprise because I know you love surprises.” You say pulling out your phone ready to order.

“I do love surprises. What movie do you wanna watch while we wait?” He asks moving to grab the roommate off the mantle.

“Whatever you would like babe. I just want to spend time with you, plus I’ll probably be to busy starring at your handsome face.” You smile “And you know rolling the joint but mostly your handsome face.” You add shrugging your shoulders. He gives you a chuckle and a kiss on the cheek once he’s settled on the couch. While you sit there doing your thing he scrolls through Netflix trying to find the perfect thing to watch. Scrolling and scrolling and scrolling till her finds it, the perfect movie of all time… Shrek 2! You snicker at his choice and continue to pack the joint full, slowly and meticulously rolling it into the perfect shape. You grab the lighter and watch as the end ignites, taking a deep draw you let the smoke fill your lungs before you exhale right into Brett’s face. That definitely pulled his attention from the movie.

“It’s all ready babe!” You say with a grin wide across your face. You look excited, eager for him to take a hit.

“Thanks!” You pass him the joint and he places it to his perfectly plump lips. You see his lips purse a bit while inhaling the smoke. He immediately starts coughing, face red and eyes teary. You grab the joint from his hands and quickly put it in the ash tray. You grab the bottle of water sitting on your end table and hand it to him telling him to take a sip. He follows your instructions immediately and practically inhales the whole bottle in one gulp. Your astonished at how he does it before he starts coughing again pulling back to reality. You pat his back slightly and rub it while he calms down, the coughs slowly dying out.

“Are you okay? Can you breathe alright? Do you need more water?” Questions are flying from your mouth panicking that you might have just killed your boyfriends perfect lungs.

“No no I’m alright, just burned a little.” He choked out through strained coughs. You watch as few tears fall down his puffed up cheeks. You kiss them as it’s the only way you can think it would make him feel better.

“We can stop, I think that’ll be best since it clearly hurt you.” You say beginning to put out the joint. He immediately grabs for your hands gripping your wrist.

“You don’t have too! I just won’t smoke, which is no big deal to me.” He says eyes wide with a slight look of hurt sprawled on his face.

“Brett it was meant to be for you, not me, so I don’t want to make you feel left out if I’m the only one smoking. That’s just not fair to you.” You explain turning to hold his hands.

“No please don’t stop just cause I can’t. This was for us to enjoy not just me. Plus, I like watching you smoke it’s really hot.” He protests, his cheeks growing red again at the confession.

“Okay.” Is all could squeak out and you pinched your thighs tighter together. A swirl of nervous and excited energy burn in your stomach. You pick the joint up out of the ash tray and once again put it between your lips. You take a quick drawl and then another longer turning to Brett and slowly letting it out to engulf his face. Once you’re done you see him lean forward while looking down and your lips and back up to your eyes. You meet him the rest of the way and press your lips against his. He pulls away after a second kiss and whispers

“Could you kiss me with the smoke in your mouth?” You can see the contact high starting to hit him, red haze in his lidded eyes. You scan his face determined to memorize every inch of it in its current dazed expression. You nod your head giving him a quick peck to his lips before beginning to take another hit. Holding it in you lean forward and capture his lips in a deep kiss. Pushing smoke into his mouth between the fight of your tongues. You feel his hands find their way to your hips, giving them a slight squeeze when he finds the perfect spot. You part your lips slightly out of breath and quickly set the joint down in the ashtray in desperate need to find his lips again. He pulls you on top of him now straddling his legs. Your hands reach up and find refuge in his Carmel locks. His hands are gripping deep into your hips when he pushes you down onto his hips beginning to grind yours to his. You pull away panting as you look down and let out a small moan. You can’t miss the way you hear him groan as you start grinding harder against his hard on. You pull away cupping his cheeks as you stare deeply into his brown eyes.

“I want to fuck the shit out of you.” A small grin on your face as the words leave your mouth, but Brett can’t miss the look of desperation in your eyes.

“I wouldn’t want anything more.” He says as he reaches to take your top off. He stares at your newly exposed skin, still warm from the hoodie you just wore. He starts at your left shoulder slowly kissing his way down your collarbones to your right shoulder. Then moving up to place a deep kiss on the pulse point on the side of your neck. A breathy moan slips from your lips as you grip his shoulders. He pulls and captures your lips and he goes to unclasp your bra. You pull down on his shirt, urging him to take it off. After pulling of your bra he reaches down and pulls of his shirt. You almost start drooling while staring down as his juicy pecs and toned abs. You start kissing and leaving hickies across his chest. Your hands make their way down to his sweatpants pulling down the waste band and feeling that he has no boxers on. You looked down eyes wide and mouth dropped. Maybe the high was kicking in because you feel sober people don’t get this shocked when they see their boyfriend not wearing underwear under his grey sweatpants. It’s kinda expected. None the less he notices your expression and let’s out a chuckle.

“Sweatpants just feel most comfy this way.” He leans forward starting to kiss you again while tugging at your pajama pants. You pull back standing up and pulling down your pants and underwear in one clean sweep. Stepping out of your pants you quickly fall to your knees and start pulling down his sweats. He lifts his lap allowing you to strip him of his pants as you begin to kiss his shaft. You leave a kiss with a small lick to his tip that makes a small hiss leave his lips. bars.

You lick a long strip up his shaft before beginning to hollow your cheeks and suck him off. You would like to say you had some patience but when it comes to sucking his cock you are anything but patient. You push yourself as far down on his cock as you could bobbing your head fast and sucking hard. You feel his hips buck as you suck particularly hard near his tip. You then see him shiver and let out a whimper as you pull his cock and start sucking a vein on the underside of his shaft. Going back to give his tip more attention you begin to bobbing your head up and down again. He couldn’t help himself and held your head down on his cock when you neared his base. A loud groan leaving his mouth as he bucks further into your mouth. You glance up at his face and see his eyes squeezed shut and his jaw clenched shut. After a minute he pulled you off his cock and placed a chaste kiss to your lips. He lifts you off your knees from in front of him and pulls you into his lap again.

“I’m sorry babe I can’t wait any longer.” You respond with only a moan as you feel him drag his cock through your folds and slowly circle your wet hole. “You alright?” You can only nod and he takes it as encouraging and starts pushing in. You feel the drag of his vein against your walls, it makes you toes curl in pleasure. Your hands dig into his shoulders and you press your face into the side of his neck, a whimper escaping you as he bottoms out. “Oh fuck, you feel so good. So wet for me.” Brett knew just the right words to get you going. Before he could even say anything else you began to bounce on his lap. His hands find your hips fast and grasp tightly as a moan breaks from his throat. A shocked filled moan might I add. He guides you up and down his cock, staying a nice steady pace, hard and deep. You bounce and bounce till you feel your legs beginning to burn. You let out a whine and fall down onto his lap with tears burning in your eyes.

“Brett, my legs hurt. Please fuck me.” You hold onto the sides of his face looking deep in his eyes.

Kissing the underneath of your jaw he begins to thrust up into you. “I got you baby. You did so well. Such a pretty girl, my beautiful girl.” His thrusts are hitting deeper than before, you feel a pressure building in your stomach. It feels like a fire is burning your skin from the blush that has taken over your body. Brett’s praise mixed with the way his cock drives you crazy is making you go feral. You begin to suck hickies into his neck as you run your hands through his hair. Your beginning to over stimulate him causing sinfully loud moans to come out of him. Gripping onto your hips with a bruising strength he begins to babble out incoherent words.

“Baby- fuck holy shit. You feel- oh fuck- so fucking good. I’m gonna cum soon.” You pull away from his neck to look at his beautifully blissed out face and kiss him hard.

Pulling away you tell him “Cum inside me.” That sentence alone was enough to throw Brett right over the edge. With his hips stuttering you feel hot ropes of cum seeping into your walls as a loud moan comes out of him. You continue to grind into him to fuck him through his high. He then suddenly pulls you off of him and throws you down on the couch quickly getting between your thighs. Before you knew it his face was buried in your cunt eating you out like a man starved. His tongue went deep into your hole sucking his and your cum from your cunt as he then started to give your clit the attention it deserved. Circling your clit with his tongue he inserted his middle and ring finger into you hitting your g spot with every thrust he gave. Your head rolled back as the pleasure built up in your stomach, it felt like a million butterflies flying around your stomach. The heat on your chest begins to build as your hands dig and pull at Brett’s hair, the overstimulation taking over. One particularly hard thrusts of his fingers sent you hurling over the edge as you screamed out his name as you came all over his mouth and fingers. Shaking he rode you through your high and pulled out his fingers placing them in your mouth to lick them clean. You immediately complied and you could see his cock twitch when your tongue wrapped around his fingers. Once you were done and let his fingers go with a pop he gave you a deep passionate sloppy kiss. Spit and cum mixing in both of your mouths.

Pulling away he spoke up “This is a lot better than drinks.” You couldn’t help hit giggle and sit up giving him another kiss. Just as you pulled away you heard the doorbell ring. Your food must be here. “Talk about perfect timing.” Brett quickly stood up and put his sweatpants back on running to the door to grab the food. You hysterically laughed at his enthusiasm and simultaneously fell in love with him all over again.