#ah 2020 wasn't kind to anyone

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi , miss Raven

Their is something has been on my mind for while ;

In rook suitor suit vignette he Compose a flattering poem about Crowley

While Ace and Epel was talking about how rook would compliment anyone , rook insisted that he mean every word he say .

And there's this specific weird line

"if it weren't for your presence , I wouldn't be here"

Like what do you mean?????!!

Do you think this line is hinting at the fact that rook didn't join NRC via traditional way or he wasn't chosen by the dark mirror , since he is one of the light trio

Or To the fact that he transferred to another dorm smoothly without any problem?

For some reason I started suspecting rook recently 😭

The fact he was one of the reason vil overbloted by convincing him to watch neige performance and also he is the one who convinced vil to add Ace and deuce as part of VDC team while I thought lilia and cater was a better option

I would like to hear your opinion about it 👀

Ah, so if I'm understanding you correctly... You're theorizing that Rook might be an outside agent of some kind? One that Crowley intentionally brought into NRC to facilitate triggering overblots??

I’ll try to respond to one question at a time; hopefully this will make it easier to follow along! The post got quite long, so it's all below the cut~

Beginning with Rook’s poem, and, more specifically, “If it weren’t for your presence, I wouldn’t be here”. It’s funny that you mention this line, because when the vignette first came out (in JP; the terminology used is similar to “I would not exist/be here”), people interpreted it VERY literally. As in… “Rook is Crowley’s son because he literally could not be conceived without a father! They’re even both named after birds! They have to at least be blood related somehow!” Strange how in 2020, Crowley was suspected of being Rook’s father but now in 2024 Crowley’s being suspected of being Malleus’s father. The poor headmaster just can’t catch a break 😂

Personally, I don’t think that line is implying anything strange about Rook’s enrollment. As far as we know, he did not join NRC though any abnormal means, and nor did Silver. Of the “light trio” (a label that I must stress exists within the fandom but is not endorsed by TWST), only Kalim fits the bill. Kalim was originally homeschooled, but received an acceptance letter to NRC a month into the school year. Another month later, he transferred in. As far as we know, all students at NRC (save for Yuu and Grim) were chosen by the Mirror of Darkness, even the light trio. Again, I want to emphasize that TWST does not use “light trio” or a similar term to refer to or to characterize Kalim, Silverc and Rook. We’ve gotten no formal in-universe explanation as to why those three in particular have light cosmic magic instead of everyone else’s dark cosmic magic. (This is entirely separate from meta theories, which are out-of-universe explanations for why the “light trio” exists. The popular meta explanation is that it’s because Silver, Kalim, and Rook are not twisted from Disney villains but rather “good” characters like Aurora, the Sultan, and the Huntsman.)

On the subject of transferring dorms, the option is always on the table. We see mob students talk about transferring dorms as early as 1-14:

In 6-67 (part 20 with the Pomefiore group), Vil describes the transfer process as being tedious and involving a lot of “complicated paperwork and ceremonies”. Crowley also says the process is “burdensome” in 1-20, but this phrasing is quite vague and could mean any number of things. (Burdensome to whom, the staff or the students? Why exactly is it burdensome?) Overall, it seems like transferring dorms would take a long time and require various formalities, but not necessarily be full of problems.

As long as you’re dedicated and consistently complete what is asked of you to complete the process, transferring should be no issue. I don’t think it’s a given that you’d normally experience troubles in trying to transfer. It should be smooth by default (unless the student backs out, is uncooperative, and/or fails to complete the required steps). So following that logic, I don’t think the poem line is saying anything about Rook’s dorm transfer either.

While it’s true that Rook encourages Vil to watch Neige’s performance and advises that Vil pick Ace and Deuce for the VDC/SDC Tribe, I do not believe there was malicious intent behind these actions. It’s hinted throughout book 5 that Rook’s reasoning for doing these things was to help Vil recognize the value of his “beauty” is something he gains from himself, not from the approval of others.

This is most likely Rook’s motivation for suggesting Vil observe the competition or to consider freshmen for the team. It’s exposing Vil to the contentedness that can come with imperfection or not being at the very top, something Vil fails to recognize in himself until the end of book 5. Being as perceptive as he is, Rook would have realized that outright telling Vil the moral of the week would not sway his strong-willed friend’s mind. Thus, Rook devised a more roundabout plan and involved Yuu (who, at this point, has a reputation for settling dorm-wide disputes) and co. (unpolished and clumsy underclassmen that Vil could shape as well as potentially also learn from in a reciprocal manner). Maybe Lilia and Cater would have been more technically skilled, being members of a club band and all, but they wouldn’t have provided the same opportunity for growth that Yuu and Adeuce did.

Rook is someone who has always been portrayed as a supporter of Vil’s, a good friend and a trusted confidant. He does have a nefarious side and is 100% capable of deception (like the time in Endless Halloween Night when he quickened his heartbeat to convince Sebek he was also scared and therefore was not a traitor). However, I don’t think Rook would want to betray his friends by actively harming them and putting their lives in danger (both during book 5’s overblot and immediately after in book 6’s rescue mission); he truly cares for them and wants to see them happy and healthy. (One could argue he should have voted for NRC instead of RSA to help Vil achieve his dream instead of betraying him, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

There’s no reason why Rook would go out of his way to do innocuous things like helping Epel with his UM or imparting wisdom to Deuce unless he actually cared and wanted to see them develop. Beyond the scope of book 5, why would Rook do even more innocuous things like trying to make Epel feel welcome and assisting him with learning table manners? Why wouldn’t he go out of his way to provoke Vil more often? Did Crowley hypothetically have even all of these little details down and instruct Rook to do (or not do) these things??? It sounds too far-fetched to attach a hidden motive behind everything Rook says or does. It could be as simple as “he wants to be there to support his friends”.

Before we wrap up, I’d like to quickly touch on the suggestion that Silver and Kalim too were catalysts for Malleus and Jamil’s OBs, respectively. It’s true that they were, but I doubt Silver or Kalim were aware and did so intentionally. Both seemed genuinely ignorant as to the true stress that Malleus and Jamil were under, and Silver + Kalim do not present as toxic people who would want to inflame their friends’ negativity. Of course, there’s always the possibility that Puppet Master Crowley (™) is orchestrating everything from the shadows (but I’m not going to get into the “time loop to gather all the necessary information and learn what the correct choices are” theory here www). I just don’t think Rook is Crowley’s accomplice in all of this if the time loop + intention overblots theories overlap.

This is one of those instances where I see Rook as being very honest with his intentions and because of his… generally strange character (?), his peers and players alike still suspect there is a deeper meaning to his words. I interpret his poem as nothing more than waxing poetic to expressing gratitude to the one man that makes it possible for him to be at NRC as a student: Crowley. Rook states that he wanted to give an exemplary poem using a subject that both Ace and Epel were already familiar with, so he went with the headmaster. Furthermore, we know that Rook is able to witness many wonderful and beautiful things at NRC, as well as make meaningful relationships with interesting people like Vil. He would not be able to do any of these things were he not extended an invitation to NRC—and it is for this reason that it would make sense for him to genuinely be appreciative of Crowley.

Those are all my thoughts on this matter all for now ^^ Hope it was an interesting read!

[inverseautotroph]

Uploaded March 7, 2020

STORY UNDER THE CUT (CW: Descriptions of abuse)

Hey. I'm back home now. ...Haven't moved, huh? Still won't look me in the eye, either. Ate the food I left you, though. You really do look uncannily like him. Same hair, same kind of clothes. Nearly the same body shape... accounting for scale. But I can't tell if you are, or if you could understand me. If you could speak, would I even be able to hear your voice? ...It would be funny if you were, you know. He was so... weak, ultimately. Scared. But instead of breaking down, or admitting to a moment of helplessness, he would just find someone weaker. More terrified. Someone he could loom over and intimidate, I guess. It helped cope with the rest, maybe? That something was me for a few years. I could have broken off. I should have. But anyone could tell I wasn't in the greatest place myself, and despite the mockery, the manipulation, at least he was the only stable thing left in my life. It made the second I heard him say "I'm leaving" feel like the ground I was standing on pull away like the tide before a wave. ...Guess I was younger, even if only a little. It's funny now to think back and remember how much his memory loomed over me. Those words still burn, but... I can't even remember his voice. ... ...It would be funny if you were him, you know. Is that mean of me to say? That, now it's me looming over whats left of him. Like I could reach down and snuff out the last evidence you ever existed like a candlelight. Ah... sorry. Saw that flinch. I guess you could understand me this whole time, huh? ---- Aaaand wow, the last day I said I would finish it. Close! But I wanted to continue this for a little bit longer, and I'm glad it turned out how it did. Hope you enjoy~

[galvanizedfriend]

2023 WIP List

I saw a writer I really love doing this here and decided to respectfully borrow the idea.

I'm feeling really bummed about writing lately, can't seem to find the least bit of motivation and have jumped from story to story without adding anything of substance over the last month or so. Nothing seems to spark joy. And yet I have thousands of words in half-written stories I'm not sure what to do with. Ideally, I'd like to finish them, but at this point, who knows 🤷‍ So this is a way for me to take stock, do some soul-searching, try to find where my heart is writing-wise at the moment and see if I can manifest some inspo.✨

These are not even all my WIPs, just the ones I have opened at least once in the last year.

▪ Speed Dating 3/3 Klaroline, friends/roommates-to-lovers

Started in June 2022

The final part to my Speed Dating sequel, which is much longer than the original story because I have no self-respect. Klaus and Caroline are roommates and idiots. The OG one-shot had them going on a round of speed dating and failing to connect the dots and realizing that what they really should be doing is sucking face with each other. The sequel is kind of an expanded universe situation, where I wanted to show a little more of their roommie chemistry and push them into situations where they are finally confronted with the reality of their feelings. But that only happens once they start seeing other people because of course.

I have maybe 60% of the final part written but for some reason, after word-vomiting non-stop for a while, I got stuck on a kind of major point in the story. I've tried to start it soooo many times and it just won't go. 🙃 I think I'm looking at a good 6 to 8k words more before it's finished.

▪ Random Fic (not the real title) Klaroline (duh), sorta exes-to-enemies-to-lovers I guess

Started in May 2020

The start of my romantic comedy phase. This predates even my coffee shop AU. It's Caroline and Klaus having a fling that ends very, very badly, but then having to come together again a year later to marry their common friend (and Caroline's ex), Tyler. I wanted it to be quick, witty and light-hearted and then at some point it got some very emotional bits in the middle and turned into something else completely. I guess it's still mostly light-hearted, but it has some ~~substance, whatever that means. I think it's an okay fic, and it's 55k words, which is not too bad, but then does anyone still read 55k all at once these days? lol

The fic is finished. I think I wrapped it up in April last year, so a year ago. But I haven't been able to go back and read it again. I've tried, and I've started it so many times, but then I always stop and never pick it back up. But like. 55k words of finished fic here. 🤷‍

▪ Pendulum Klaroline, soulmates!AU but make it sad

Originally in January 2019, started rewriting in July 2020 (lol)

I have issues with this story. It's the saddest damn thing I've ever written, but it's also my favorite storyline I've ever come up with. It got some hate at the time, I don't know why, but also some of the most heartfelt comments/responses I've ever received on any story (and I still keep them all!), so I think this is one where you either love it or hate it. But because I feel so protective of it, I have problems (of the personal brand) leaving it out in the open, and I don't want to repost it until I'm absolutely sure it's ok. As you can see, it was one of my first ever fics, so the writing wasn't the best. But I still love it, I don't care. I keep wanting to make the writing match how much I love the idea, and I don't know if that's possible. 🙃

It's the rare AU I write entirely from Klaus' POV, which is something else. I'm not sure I'm that good with Klaus. It's also an AH, but it has a little magic twist. Every time Klaus dies, his life just restarts from the exact same point. He's born on the same year, at the same place, to the same parents. Except he remembers his previous lives, and so he accumulates the knowledge of hundreds and hundreds of previously lived years each time he's reborn. And then shit happens.

First time I posted this, it was 57k words long. I have successfully finished rewriting the first of three parts, which is around 14k words, but as you can see, I have been in this process since 2020 (!!!), so I need to go back and tinker with that as well. May God have mercy on my soul.

▪ Mystic Tours (not the real title) Klaroline, friends-to-lovers but also fake dating

Started in January 2023

This was inspired by Lovelight Farms by B.K. Borison, except it's not a Christmas story, and it doesn't actually have any farms. It has Klaroline fake dating to try and win a contest that can potentially save Caroline's failing business, and also loads of side-characters Sound of Settling style (including a horde of Mikaelsons and Bonnie and Enzo as Caroline's co-workers). I really like writing stories where I can fit a bunch of side characters and make the whole thing sorta absurd. But I also wanted to try to make something quicker, more dialogue-oriented and with shorter scenes. AND YET. I just can't seem to make it work, the writing kinda sucks.

I have some 6k words of this, but can't tell you how much of that is actually usable. And it's maybe 10% of the story. 🙃

▪ Friends that Ruin Your Life (may or may not be the title, undecided) Klaroline, Klefan (!!), affairs, fucked up people, angst

Started in March 2023

The five minutes during which I decided I wanted to go back to my origins and write something angsty and filled with complicated situations, a bit like Gasoline. It features Klaus and Stefan as a couple, and Caroline getting sucked into their messy marriage. So yes, Klaus is having an affair. In his defense, so is Stefan. Caroline's moral compass gets all out of sorts and she realizes the world is a lot less black-and-white than she'd previously assumed and sometimes you do get judged by your one-offs, even if your heart is in the right place.

I got super excited about this one and churned out the entire plan for the whole story, with all the scenes and most of the dialogues and the document alone is like 60k words long. I wrote that in like three days. 🥲 I don't think I could make it a one-shot, and I think that left me bummed because I didn't want it to be a multi-chapter. And then I'm not sure the writing was coming along fine enough, it wasn't flowing, and I started to question whether it was actually good or if I was totally tripping when I had this idea and this was actually insanely shitty. lol Leaning more towards the second right now.

▪ King Arthur AU (not the actual title) Klaroline, magic, fantasy, King Arthur

Started in March 2021

This is very high fantasy, and very intricate. It would be a multi-chapter, but I have no idea how long. I think I was leaning towards 10 chapters. I have four written. And the writing is fairly decent, if I may say so myself. But as it usually happens with me, I get to a point where I start wondering why am I even writing this, and then I stop. 🥲🥲 I also think I was having some doubts about how to wrap it up. It had maybe more plots than I wanted to work with. King Arthur was actually Elijah, and Klaus was Mordred, and Caroline was Guinevere-ish, a witch undercover in "Orleans" (I'm so creative!!).

Only reason this is even on the list is because I recently read the four chapters I have and thought they were pretty decent, but I haven't written anything in almost two years, so maybe I've swiped up on this one already.

▪ The Wolf III and IV 🤡

Started in October 2020 (!! when I tell you guys I've had this written for years lol)

I have technically written The Wolf 3. It's in my "headcanons" format, which is honestly a joke, because clearly I don't know how to write headcanons. 🤡 But as you can see by the starting date, it's very, very old, and it requires full rewriting and lots of editing. Chapters are 15 to 20k words long (some are longer). TW4 is a different story. I never actually wrote it down, all I have is a full, detailed plan of all the scenes and shit. My idea was to not split the two stories into two different fics, but rather continue on with TW4 in the same AO3 "document" (???) as TW3 and make it 34 chapters long instead of 21. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but also I don't have it in me to start another separate story.

But here we are, stuck on S03E17. 🤡 Gonna be honest with you, my dudes, it's been rough to find the motivation to open that document. I think I have half of 17, maybe, but I haven't touched that in over a month. Laely, I have been often sent into thinky thoughts that you really shouldn't have when you're writing fic just for the hell of it, you know. Like, this is in no way meant to be a great piece of writing, I shouldn't be worried about that. It's the fan service of the fan service. But I start to think about the real quality of it and whether it even makes sense to be writing it, I realize I wrote one fic that was good, a second one which I personally think was even better, and then I made the classic mistake of having one too many sequels. This is Jurassic Park III. It's not as crappy as Jurassic World, you have Sam Neill, but should it exist? I just want Klaus and Caroline to be together for a change, and I love adding random final scenes in every chapter where it's just the two of them being married, but - should this be written? Or rather, should this have been posted in the first place? Do we really wanna see them being domestic? Doesn't that kind of kill the vibe? I don't know, man. I don't know. Chapter one was a blast, people seemed so into it and I wrote five chapters at once and got maybe a little over-excited, and then which each update I feel like there's less and less readers and it really gets me thinking. These thoughts are sabotaging my will to write. I need to get back on my fuck it horse.

It will come to me at some point, though. I'm sure it will.

Anyway, these are all my current WIPs! Comments, ideas and positive energies are all welcome! ✨ Let's return to this in december and weep at how little progress I've made 🥲

[musicboxmemories]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @viola-ophelia <3 Thank you!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 58 on my primary page, 38 on my trash page, and 5 on my catch-all.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? LOL if you think I'm going to add up the word count of 101 total fics, you're crazy! So instead, I'll just say my longest fic on my primary page is 96,771, my trash page is 34,787, and my catch-all is 11,722, for a total of 143,280. So with that being for just three fics, I shudder to think what my actual word count is for 101 fics lol.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Lately, TURN: Washington's Spies, though past fandoms have been H.annibal, E.mma 2020, and The M.agicians, to name a few.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? I'm just going to stick to my main page for this:

Wake-up Call (From D.usk till D.awn: the Series) (438)

Changing Winds (S.tranger T.hings) (384)

Lost in the Dark (S.tranger Things) (284)

Anyone But You (That 70s Show) (265)

To Thaw and Burst into Bloom (S.tranger Things) (235)

^^The funny thing is, none of these were fandoms I was overly into/participated in much, but they're way more popular than my favored fandoms, which is why none of what I'm TRULY proud of is listed in my top kudos ranking. Ah well.

5. Do you respond to comments? I do! In the past, I've always made friends through reviews/reviewing, so I always respond to comments and leave comments on works I've enjoyed. :) I really wish engagement/fic friendships were more encouraged these days.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Uhh, probably Folie a Deux (H.annibal) or To K.iss, to Consume (Turn). OH, and Let the Weary Rest (Turn), where I killed off Ben lol.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? After 2020, pretty much all of my fics had happy endings. The World is Made Wrong made me happiest though, I'd say.

8. Do you get hate on fics? I'd rather not jinx myself, but I haven't since I was a kiddo! And that hate was deserved tbh, cuz they were just telling me I wrote xyz wrong since I was a child/didn't bother to research.

9. Do you write s.mut? *gestures vaguely at my trash page* Uh. Yeah. lol I don't really have a specific type I write, beyond M/F, if that's what you're asking -- the specific scenarios are typically a case-by-case basis.

10. Do you write crossovers? I used to write quite a few! Nowadays, I save that more for things like RP and edits, though I do still enjoy them. Sometimes, crossovers work better than canon, I said what I said.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I have! But I was like 13 at the time, and the person posted it in the same ship/fandom, so Idk what their plan was lol. Fortunately, they deleted it the day I reviewed.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes! A few times, actually (all for the H.annibal fandom).

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Sure have! They're all RP-turned-fics though, cuz I've never actually asked someone to write something who wasn't an RPer themselves.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Probably David/Maddie from Moonlighting. They're timeless! <3

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I suppose my time travel romcom. It's basically me rewriting a book I've already created, but altering it for the Turn universe. Even though it's fun, it's kind of boring repurposing my old work, and most especially when there's so little engagement. I flourish on comments, alas. Other than that, I mostly tend to finish my works!

16. What are your writing strengths? An editor once told me my strengths are my dialogue and humor. She equated the first 20 pages of my book (a recent work) to a Shakespearean comedy, which really tickled me, ngl.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? World-building! I've improved with this by a lot, but I genuinely do think fic writers are conditioned to stop describing settings/appearance thanks to our audiences already KNOWING, and thus, our OG works suffer for it. Mine certainly do!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I wouldn't do it personally, since I doubt it'd translate well, but I encourage others to do it! I'll still read!

19. First fandom you wrote for? C.owboy B.ebop.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? Probably The World is Made Wrong, since I've since reworked it and I'm still very proud of how that second run-through turned out (not the one available on AO3 -- that version is in all its heinous first draft glory lol).

Tagging: @retrograderesemblance @pagetreader @ms-march @culper-spymaster and whoever else wants to!

[clonerightsagenda]

Continuing with Station 11!

Episode 2:

So whatever separated Kirsten and Jeevan happens by year 2.

Given that the original book's disability representation is a wheelchair user with PTSD who kills himself because he 'can't handle' the apocalypse I appreciate that the Symphony has a guy with limb differences who's doing just fine and fully accepted.

I was annoyed by the lack of subtitles when Jeevan and Frank are speaking Hindi, but later the show has subtitles for foreign languages, so it's deliberate to indicate Kirsten being excluded I suppose.

She walked over Lake Michigan?? Lake Michigan will Eat you

"You dated me and Jeremy" Is this a polycule breakup. Was she dating them both at the same time before two of them had a baby together

Ok so this is pre-cult St. Deborah, when the symphony leaves the pregnant couple behind, so maybe we'll get another timeskip? Or we're shuffling events around.

Yes, the very weird cobbled together costumes!

And new songs for the apocalypse, that's a nice touch

Odd intro for the museum. I don't recall them being separatist in the book. "Fuck the past" ma'am you are performing Shakespeare

Not sure how the guy who Kirsten stabbed fits into what I remember of the cult plot. Guess we'll see.

Episode 3:

Miranda stuck riding out the end of the world with an annoying white guy. She does not deserve this.

Ah ok Kirsten's tats are a station 11 thing. I think they were regular knives in the book so I wasn't sure how anyone else could know the design. This makes sense.

Girl you are going on public transit unmasked after hearing about a deadly flu pandemic??? I suppose masks weren't easily available everywhere pre 2020 but I thought they were more prevalent in East/Southeast Asia.

The toast and burning down the pool house were more dramatic, but you need visual drama for TV. Odd that they didn't have Jeevan as the paparazzi guy who corners her, since he did mention being a photojournalist in episode 1.

I recognized a couple of words of Chinese lol. Just 朋友 你好 though. Is peng you something you use with potential business partners? Duolingo would not get me through a pitch meeting. Interesting that everyone there decided to show up but I guess they're stuck on autopilot. Maybe an American having a mental breakdown monologue was a highlight. I like to think I would not go to work if I was about to die of a killer flu. I think I'd stay home, eat my favorite foods I have on hand, and reread a childhood book I nearly know by heart until I couldn't anymore. Also text my parents to leave a door open so the cat could get out. He's not gonna make it because he's terrified of everything but the guy's already been stuck in a home with one body, give him a fighting chance

I think the way they did Miranda's last day makes more sense for TV but I was kind of fond of how in the book she gets a headache, checks google, is like well fuck, and just makes it out on the beach to hang on long enough to see the sunrise.

[lc-417]

Been rewatching one of my favourite shows from my childhood, Godzilla the Series. And as much as I love it just as it is, lately I find myself wishing that it had been created in the 2020s instead of the late 90s. Mostly because I've come to the conclusion that of all of the possible pairings in the show, the best ship is one that was never permitted: Elsie Chapman and Monique Dupre.

The more I think about it, the more I believe they would be perfect for each other. They're both brave, strong-willed women who need someone that can meet them at their level, both intellectually and physically. In the show, their proposed love-interests, Craven and Randy, seem more like lesser men pursuing women that are clearly out of their league, and only got with them by wearing them down with dogged persistence. Randy and Craven worship them as goddesses, but what they really need in a partner is someone who sees their flaws and challenges them to be at their best, which they already do as colleagues and could do even more as lovers.

I know some would say that they are clearly more rivals than anything, but I see evidence to the contrary. Elsie's sarcastic jabs and the way she always refers to Monique as "French Fry" strike me as more affectionate teasing, the kind people use when they're trying to hide the fact that they like someone. And Elsie is the only person (as far as I can tell) that Monique has never threatened to hurt, or actually hurt, despite Elsie's provocation. In fact, Elsie seems to be one of the few people Monique permits or initiates physical contact with where punching isn't involved.

And looking past the shields of sarcasm they put up, you'll see a pair that genuinely cares and looks out for each other. For instance, when Elsie was under alien mind-control, it was Monique that set her free.

And when Monique was nearly killed by a mutant armillaria, it was Elsie who tended to her (and you can't tell me there wasn't any tenderness in the gesture of gently sweeping Monique's hair out of her face).

I can think of a dozen other examples, but I'll leave it for interested parties to watch the show and judge for themselves.

Maybe it's just my wishful thinking, seeing love where only friendship exists. But ever since I got this idea in my head, I can't let it go. I want to see them as a couple so badly. Unfortunately, it will never be, since this show came out in a time where anyone who suggested having a same-sex pairing in a cartoon seen by children would have been burned as a witch.

Ah well, I guess that's what fanfiction is for.

[fheythfully]

past the edge of my beliefs (FFXIV)

Wordcount: 3,855 Summary: She looks up at Hyth and braces herself for the question she's wanted to ask and has been too scared to for months. “Whose bones is this city built on?” Brilliant, shining Amaurot, City of Miracles--floating high on its throne in the clouds, looking down on all lesser existence below. She has never left its massive gates; has never met anyone who has. What's down there, other than what she reads about in history books? Oceans, cities, town squares--who else occupies this world besides them? Kind, patient Hythlodaeus carefully removes his spoon and settles it against the rim of his cup. His gentle smile is full of dark things she cannot name.

[an AU where the Ascians win.]

Originally written in 2020/2021. Click the read more or visit AO3 (login required).

The woman in her bedroom mirror has a tail.

A rather spectacular oddity, as Astra herself does not have one. Last she checked she owned all the standard sets of limbs for a human, ten toes and fingers included. A tail had not been part of the package when she'd retired for bed the night prior, or even at the unholy mid-night hour she'd gotten up to shut her window against the blare of car sirens. But there in the mirror, before she'd even had her morning coffee, swayed a tail delicately behind her as if it was nothing but an innocent dandelion attached to her posterior.

For the sixth time, she peers behind her.

The mirror tail did not exist.

Yet in the mirror it twitches, pale hair silvery in the early morning light.

Astra sighs and continues with her morning routine.

She watches it sway nonchalantly behind her as she walks the length of her apartment, reflected in the many mirrors lining her walls (house of mirrors, her friends jokingly call her seventh floor condo). It lingers through the fabric of her pantsuit as if it is the most natural thing to exist, moving about her as she goes through her morning. In the kitchen she settles on one of her well worn leather stools and takes a deep pull of coffee, angling the pot to watch the tail dance around her legs in the reflective surface.

Really, she shouldn't be as surprised as she is. Strange things happen in Amaurot, the City of Miracles. She had just not pegged one of them happening to her. Out of all the possibilities--mirages of alien cities in the city Center; phantom creatures walking amongst everyday citizens; fantastical monsters towering into the sky before flickering out of existence--she had to get a tail? She lived over the nexus of the planet's leylines, attracting all sorts of other existences, and all she personally got was a tail? 

Grimacing, she pulls a dark strand of her hair out of where it had caught on the rim of her mug.

Well, at least it wasn't physically there for others to gawk at.

.

.

Nothing nearly as exciting occurs for the rest of her day. Despite passing by plenty of reflective surfaces, no one makes a remark on the appendage trailing behind her like some strange flag. Paranoia makes her wonder if everyone sees it and is just too polite to say anything, or perhaps so used to the ongoings of the city that seeing a ghost tail barely makes it on to their radar and she is the only one finding it strange.

She mulls these thoughts over her third coffee of the day on her lunch break. A cooling breeze brings with it the scent of brine (the one below the city is too far to carry; some other world’s ocean makes itself known) and she unwinds her hair and tips her head to the back of the bench to enjoy the late spring sunshine. Peacefully, she closes her eyes.

“Ah, you must be the owner of this illustrious gallery. I've been keen to meet with you.”

She opens her eyes. A man of middle age and non descriptive features stands before her, hands behind his back. A smile pulls at his lips as he watches her gather her wits.

She's always been quick on the draw. “A pleasure.” Standing, she offers her hand for a shake. The stranger’s grip is strong as he takes her hand in his and, unexpectedly, brings her knuckles to his lips.

She should pull away but doesn't. The motion is neither charming nor creepy; his mouth brushes over her skin and it somehow just is. An old greeting seen only in films between strangers and secret lovers, and he most certainly would not fall into the latter category.

His smile deepens, not unkindly. “The pleasure is all mine. You must indeed be Astraea, then?”

She nods. The skin where his lips touched tingles strangely. Her other hand is still gripping her coffee, and she waves it vaguely in the direction of the gallery behind her. Her pride and joy: owner at the tender age of 27, beautifully curated and lauded in the pages of the city’s papers. She could have done worse for her career. “Yes. Are you interested in displaying?”

The man shakes his head. His long, braided lavender hair is reminiscent of the tail she knows sways behind her and she wonders if he too can see it in the paneling bouncing off sunlight of the gallery. “No, I'm not an artist myself, although I am a great admirer. I'm more of an archivist, you could say.” He cuts himself off and laughs. “Well, I am an archivist. For the government archives. I am currently gathering the history of Amaurot’s public entertainment venues. Would you be interested in an interview?”

And so begins her professional friendship with the man named Hythlodaeus.

.

.

A week later they sit together in her office, her sipping a coffee (of course) and him enjoying a cup of white tea. The recorder at his side has been paused as they break for a light lunch. Hythlodaeus stirs in two cubes of sugar with an unhurried hand, the other cradling his chin as he stares into the far distance behind the room’s large windows.

“You bear her name,” he says suddenly. His words break the polite silence between them and she pulls away from the email she had just been finishing.

 “Excuse me?”

“You bear her name,” he repeats as if she hadn't heard him the first time. “But you are overwhelmingly much like the Other. She would have razed this city to the ground, had she known what bones it was built on.”

Astra fixes him with an unimpressed stare. It does nothing to help quell the sense of unease that rises, inexplicably, in the pit of her stomach. “I don't know which “Astraea” you speak of, but there is only me in this city.” She knows. She'd checked on a strange whim some time back. A city of thousands and only her alone. “Your friend sounds rather violent.”

Her guest’s eyes turn towards her. The smile he seems to constantly wear on his face widens, teasing. Foreboding? Her mind supplies. Astra pushes it away.

“Are you so sure?” He asks. One pale eyebrow had risen to express his doubt at her assertion. “That you are not only a woman named such, but also the only one? All the ghosts wandering our city streets, carried from unknown shores… the world outside is so very big, and we are so very small.” He brings the tea to his lips and sips. Astra remains silent, unnerved by the turn of conversation. It was a truth universally acknowledged that Amaurot sat at the Center for something greater in creation--but it was another entirely to discuss it.

The Convocation’s laws strictly ensured that no idealistic dreamer, philosopher or curious child wandered too far down that particular rabbit hole. Punishment in Amaurot was far and between, but a visit from the Thirteen’s office was never a pleasant one nevertheless.

“Is this part of the interview?” She asks after a time.

Hythlodaeus, as if caught daydreaming, blinks. “No, just the wonderings of the city’s archivist. Forgive me for the strange turn in conversation.”

Cautiously, she nods. The interview goes on. After he leaves and she is cleaning up where he'd sat, she spots some loose sheafs of paper fallen out of his briefcase.

One of them reads, in an elegant hand:

If you listen closely, do you hear her scream?

.

.

Surprisingly, the man’s oddities for rambling is not a hurdle she cannot clear and they soon transition from the professional environment to what she has tentatively begun to call friendship. There is something appealing about Hythlodaeus, from his pleasant demeanour to unexpectedly quick wit and humour. Spring’s passed and the heat of summer’s set in and she has managed to all but forget that strange afternoon in her office, sitting outside an ice cream parlour with Hythlodaeus across from her. 

She's chosen a raspberry concoction that melts in her mouth while Hyth’s poking at a coffee and vanilla dish before him. Flowers in bloom line the streets, bees dancing in and out of blossoms. Amaurot is beautiful in its lazy, buttery sunshine; a mother and child laugh across the street. A couple giggles closely together as they pass by. An elegant, towering woman with leporine ears wanders past close enough to touch and the street flickering through where her body should be.

Hyth is humming some song off key beneath his breath. Astra strains her ears to hear him.

“Honeybee, I  can't imagine how my life would be, if all your gravity did not hit me…”

The child across the street, in a fit of emotions specific to children, has begun crying. Out of the corner of her eyes Astra sees the mother lean down to comfort the hurt--a finger held out.

A bee sting. The child had stuck its hands somewhere they did not belong.

“Oh, don't you see, darling, my honeybee…” 

Her mouth tastes like honey and lavender. She takes another bite of raspberry ice cream and watches the tail behind her dance in the windows of passing cars.

.

.

She hums the words to herself before bed, brushing her hair and readying her bed. They follow her into sleep where she dreams of a quaint two bedroom home by the sea and a garden bursting with lavender. A mother with a tail like hers and cat’s ears where human ones should be sings the song to her daughter, picking vegetables and dropping them in the basket the girl dutifully carries.

Look around, we made a garden of the love we found…

The girl joins in, reedy voice carrying in the wind and ocean breeze. 

And if our world comes tumbling down, I never could forgive myself, I'll say it now…

Her dress sways around her as she swings her basket, careless of the vegetables falling out. A great red moon begins its descent in the blue skies behind her.

You're the one, you are the only one.

.

.

Hyth introduces her to a secret one August night: a rooftop garden in Convocation Square, accessible if you know the right people. Thankfully, he brags to her, you do.

She's not fond of the Square in her everyday life. The towering buildings feel too much like ugly teeth sprung from the ground and the carved Lord Zodiark idols built into the pillars bring a sour taste to her mouth, though the rest of the city's architecture is aesthetically pleasing to her eye. She finds herself thinking, as Hyth leads them confidently through the plaza, that the architects responsible for this part of the city and everywhere else probably didn't bother to check in with each other that often.

The view from the top makes it all worthwhile, though: this high up the cloud cover sweeps the city below them away, leaving only a soft, grey ocean coloured blue and silver by the light of the moon above. Amaurot’s eco-friendly city lights do not pierce it and the sky above is hers for the viewing, brilliant and all encompassing.

Would you describe it for me? Paint for me a picture with your words, a voice murmurs in her head.

A sea of shimmering stars. Diamonds strewn across a raven gown, boundless and beautiful, another replies.

“It's beautiful,” she breathes out. She spins slowly, arms out as she takes it all in. “I've never seen the sky like this before.”

“Shepherd to the stars,” Hyth quotes some unknown thing behind her, chuckling. “A pity. Now you have.”

They stay up there for well over an hour, just watching the sky and occasionally exchanging words. Hyth draws constellations in the sky for her, ones she had never heard of before: the Bole, the Arrow. Belias and Chaos, entwined by one single star; Hashmal, far off on its own. Zalera, shining bright right above them.

The sound of the roof door stuttering open breaks their quiet reverie. Astra turns, then quickly scrambles into a polite bow. A masked man with greying temples watches them and frowns, the lines of his mouth stark and disapproving beneath the curve of his mask.

“Hythlodaeus,” he speaks. “What do you think you're doing?”

Her friend grins. “I didn't expect you to join us. I'm just showing the sky to my friend here. It's such a lovely sight, how could I not?” He turns to her and motions for the man to join them. His eyes, as pale as the moon hanging in the sky, are kind. “Astra, may I introduce Emet-Selch of the Convocation of Thirteen? He is the city’s architect, although I saw that grimace you were pulling at the Square.”

Embarrassment burns her cheeks and ears at being called out so before one of the Convocation members. She inclines her head demurely before him, hoping the fall of her hair hides her shame. “Astraea, my lord.”

There is a heavy, expectant silence. She keeps her eyes on the ground. At last, Emet-Selch speaks. “Astraea.” He says her name as if it is a foreigner’s, voice tumbling awkwardly over the syllables. “What do you do, here in Amaurot?”

She dares to look at him and takes in the heavy line of his shoulders, the signs of aging in the way he carries himself. The Amaurotine lifespan is a long one and crassly she wonders how old he is, to show his age so clearly. “I am an artist, my lord. I manage a gallery in the western side of the city.”

He takes his time examining her. “I see. What is the name of your establishment? Perhaps I've heard of it.”

“Azem’s Steps, my lord.”

Hyth speaks up before Emet-Selch can. “You've definitely heard of it, my friend. Probably a hundred times alone from me. I've been trying to convince you to go with me for months!”

The tension in the other man’s shoulders drains. “Of course,” he mutters. “It's fitting, isn't it.” When he looks at her again, there is the barest hint of a smile on his face. “It's a pleasure to meet you, Artist Astraea. If you would, I would enjoy hearing of your gallery… This Azem.”

.

.

All her life, she's dreamt of fanciful things. As a child she began drawing them and never stopped, culminating in Azem’s Steps being opened on the eve of her 25th birthday. When a guest asked--and they always did, eventually--the inspiration for the name, Astra would laugh.

“I dreamt I was a great somebody all my life. I'd sleep and she would be great, this woman, this Azem living in my dreams. She so clearly wanted her stories to be told, and as an artist, who am I to tell her no?”

.

.

She dreams of Azem burning in a great city that night, of Azem floating in the dark matter of space, of Azem sleeping in the center of a star. She wakes up and knows, inexplicably, that Azem's story is about to end.

.

.

On a grey October morning she visits Hyth for brunch. He swirls two sugar cubes in his tea and she stares at the pristine untouched surface of her coffee. She hasn't slept well--hasn't dreamt at all--coming up on two weeks now, and it shows. There are dark bags under her eyes. The tail she's seen in reflective surfaces flickers in the corners of her eyes now, dropping in exhaustion.

She looks up at Hyth and braces herself for the question she's wanted to ask and has been too scared to for months. 

“Whose bones is this city built on?”

Brilliant, shining Amaurot, City of Miracles--floating high on its throne in the clouds, looking down on all lesser existence below. She has never left its massive gates; has never met anyone who has. What's down there, other than what she reads about in history books? Oceans, cities, town squares--who else occupies this world besides them?

Kind, patient Hythlodaeus carefully removes his spoon and settles it against the rim of his cup. His gentle smile is full of dark things she cannot name.

“Yours, my dear.”

.

.

Emet-Selch has somehow obtained her number--she suspects Hyth--and will occasionally message her. The first few times come as a surprise; she opens the notifications to find articles on the art scene, announcements about the city funneling funding into public projects. Things he would assume she’d be interested in, based on their short conversation that August night. 

His texts are few and far between but they stopped being a surprise by sometime mid September. They carry short conversations, all professional, about this and that--but she never messages him first.

She doesn't know what to say to a Convocation member. How do you befriend someone who wears a mask amongst all the maskless, who makes it their life’s duty to serve the greater good? Do people like that have hobbies--have friends? What do they do in their spare time? What do they like to discuss?

She burns to ask him, curiosity a flame deep inside of her. She smothers it with images of the teeth-like buildings he and his kin surround themselves with, of the great Lord Zodiark idols featured prominently in the buildings’ exteriors. She's been to church, attends all the required sermons and the sessions around holidays, but--

But Lord Zodiark looms above her in her mind’s eye, and she is unsettled.

.

.

The woman in her bedroom mirror has a tail. Astra peers at her posterior over her shoulder and confirms that yes, she can see it outside of the mirror, too. She cannot touch it, her fingers phasing right through its existence, but she now doesn't need to track her passing in every reflective surface to see whether or not her own miracle is still with her.

The woman in her bedroom mirror is now blonde and grey eyed too, but Astra can see her own dark hair and doesn't need to confirm this follow up miracle. She examines the woman in the mirror and she, in turn, examines her.

Are you so sure? Hyth had asked her once. That you are the only Astraea? 

Yes, she decides, watching the woman smile at her from the mirror. I am. I know I am. Because her name is something else entirely.

The woman, grey eyes shining, beams.

.

.

Her name is Satella, she decides. She has replaced Azem as the star of Astra’s dreams and in cold, snowy December as she lies bundled warmly in her goose down blanket, she dreams of Satella’s life. Of a two bedroom cottage by the ocean; of a metal beast of a building crumbling in flames; of long treks across barbaric lands and across oceans and dying. So much dying, only to be brought back with miraculous magic again and again and be made to fight.

Why do you keep going? She wonders one night, watching her bleed out into the earth.

The woman stares back at her through the veil of the sky. Why do you? 

She paints faces and places and beasts and cities until her fingers are permanently stained with paint and her studio is bursting with canvases. Her new collection attracts crowd after crowd, a fervour overtaking the populace as they come to see her art. Conversation buzzes in its usually politely quiet halls--so familiar, I feel like I've seen it in a dream once, or maybe a book, the name is on the tip of my tongue.

Astra attends every night and shakes hands and laughs politely and consoles emotional outbursts a few come to experience. It's a dream I had, she demures more often than not and, more often than not, her fellow Amaurotine will gaze at her in wonder and say--

I think I had a dream of it, too.

.

.

Emet-Selch invites her for coffee the first week of January. She has her agreement ready to hit send on but the statues of Zodiark he commissioned into the city Center--city heart--tower over her like a nightmare.

She erases her reply and stops responding. 

.

.

In February she wakes up and marvels at her own body. Why is she so--big? Where are her ears? Why can’t she feel her tail?

In March she wakes up, and marvels at her own life. How long has she had this apartment? Why have her parents not come to see her for her new art launch? Where are her friends?

In April she wakes up, and marvels at the screaming that comes from beneath the city. Why does no one else hear it?

Why does no one else hurt?

.

.

Summertime in Amaurot is lazy, warm sunshine and bees on the city streets. A child cries when they are stung. She hums to herself as she walks--

“Oh, don't you see, darling, my honeybee…”

Her gallery is closed for the month, website noting vacation hours. She wanders Amaurot until her feet hurt, until night falls and she meets Hyth at Convocation Square in the blue light of the moon. He makes pleasant conversation with her as they take the elevator to the very top of a toothy building, where a secret garden awaits her. She stretches out her arms and breathes in the fresh air, watches the clouds roll slowly and silently beneath them.

An ocean of nothing. Grey mist hiding the world below--all her life, watching the world from her place in the City of Miracles, except now she is almost like a Convocation member herself staring down at those beneath her. Watching, waiting, observing the slow motions of life year after year.

She has not met the others--only Emet-Selch--but she has seen them on her TV screen: aging beings, devoted and feared. Respected? It is the same thing, after all.

She wonders once more: how old must they be, to show their age as such in their near-immortal Amaurotine life.

She turns to Hyth, who watches the stars above them. “Did you know,” he begins, “that we once were friends? In the before.” A conversation thread picked up she wasn’t quite aware they were having, as casual as a comment on the weather. (It’s always perfectly seasonal in Amaurot: warm summers but not too warm; mild autumns with just enough rain; perfectly white winters and blooming, scented springs.)

 “But then we forgot. Or rather, you forgot and I remembered. And then we both forgot again. And on it goes.” He turns to her and holds out his hand. She reaches over and grasps it in hers, squeezing it tightly.

“It’s funny how time works, isn’t it.”

They both turn to watch the stars above them. Constellations make themselves known before her: Loghrif, Mitron. Fandanial and Nabriales.

Lahabrea.

Emet-Selch, right above them.

From her place over Amaurot, they look close enough to grasp.

She reaches up and plucks them as stones into the palm of her hand.

[punderfulowl]

Top 8 Anime (That I've Seen) in 2022

Whew boy, I wasn't expecting last year to be such a whirlwind, but all that doesn't matter now when there's Weeb stuff afoot! For those who are unfamiliar, when I make an End-of-the-year list, I like to do so without handcuffing myself to JUST the releases of the previous year. If you are familiar, you guys know that I typically keep to the usual Top 10 (except that one year when it was 12), but as you can see, I only had time to fit in 8.

Rules:

- If an anime had already made it onto a previous list, a newer season can't make it on.

- I only keep to TV series, so no movies.

- No repeating franchises (i.e. if I saw two different Gundam shows in one year, I can only pick one).

- I'm skipping Honorable mentions this year.

8. Tales of Zestiria (2016)

Definitely not my favorite Tales story, but BOY was this show pretty to look at. Ufotable is what Ufotable does, I guess. Truth be told, I couldn't get into the game that this anime is based on, so I figured that watching the anime would be easier. And it was!

7. Uzaki-chan Wants to Hang Out (2020)

Ah, yes, one of those shows that upset Twitter. I thought this was an adequately told Rom-Com with our two leads having some decent chemistry together. Looking past the "controversy," it was a perfectly serviceable show.

6. Amagami SS (2010)

This was my surprise of the year. This Slice of Life Romance accomplishes a rare feat amongst its peers: Every girl gets a happy ending! You see, our male protag starts out depressed and lonely, develops a relationship with one of the girls over a 3 episode arc, and then starts all over again. Not only that, but during each arc, the camera shows how the other girls are living their lives and they do just fine without him. Maybe I'm not phrasing it the way I want to, but it's just refreshing showing potential love interests living fulfilling lives without Protag-kun. It does, however, lose points for having some questionable moments with its high school cast of characters. Based on a visual novel btw.

5. Komi Can't Communicate (2021)

I can't be the only one who rolls their eyes whenever a story about an average guy gains the affection of the most popular girl in school. I'm, of course, not rolling my eyes at the premise itself, but rather the quantity of stories like this. This story in particular saves itself by having our titular character stumble their way to success despite their crippling social anxiety. I find it both funny and endearing. I look forward to season 2!

4. Recovery of an MMO Junkie (2017)

Speaking of season 2, I wish this anime had one. I may have mentioned this before about a different anime, but I do find it to be a breath of fresh air whenever we have protagonists who are actually adults. A nerd in their thirties looking for love? Couldn't be me 🙂

3. March Comes in Like a Lion (2016)

I still don't know how Shogi is played, heck I don't even have a handle on Chess, but anyone who has ever seen March Comes in Like a Lion knows that's not why we're here. Again, not Shogi specifically, but knowing that people, regardless of age, have weight of some kind on their shoulders, it's such a shame that that weight is on a character so young. Expectations, anxiety, loneliness; all that can be overwhelming for anybody. I would definitely recommend anyone to seek this out. Bonus, it has music from Bump of Chicken!

2. Spy X Family (2022)

I'm sure most of you guys have seen this. You know.

I'm sure there's still plenty of people who haven't seen this yet. It's Everywhere. You guys STILL know.

This show was the right amount of wholesome I needed last year!

1. Mushoku Tensei (2022)

I would probably have to do some more thinking, but this might be my favorite isekai thus far. Has a well built world AND has utilized the whole reincarnation aspect better than most isekai anime. I would go into it more, but I think I'll make that its own post.

This was a bit late, but at least it's still January, right? Hopefully, I'll be in a better head space this year to make a full Top 10.

Make the best of this new year and stay safe out there.

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

Yk what I just remembered back in apocalypse era and 2018-2020 people were saying that Cody is replacing Evan in AHS but years later he still remains fan favorite and Cody is kind of forgotten 😭 from the men in the cast I think even Finn is more talked about than Cody. And I dont even know why people thought that because yes during that time post apocalypse Evan wasn't on AHS, but Michael had some hype but it never matched Evan's hype and adoration, especially Tate's and they were the most compared. They thought any cute guy could just swoop in but you cant beat the OG baby you just can't 😭 And to be clear this is not Cody Fern hate or anything, I like him and I think he's super hot, it's just funny for me especially seeing how on social media its mostly Evan/Tate who keeps AHS somewhat relevant especially in the fall when Tate is ALWAYS trending even though the show lost the hype years ago.

oh i completely agree, folks really underestimate the relevancy of evan’s characters in the AHS fandom. that was purely wishful thinking on anyone’s part if they thought cody would ever be replacing evan lmao no shade to him, either, it’s just a setup to compare the two. tate langdon has become an iconic character, the one who reappears every year, because even people who are otherwise not in the fandom love murder house and tate. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[galactiquest]

Wow, it's almost been two years since I last posted on this self-ship/self-insert blog.

Some people might think I moved on from the whole self-ship thing, and, well, I haven't. I've still got a laundry list of kissable characters, that'll probably never change. I've been posting on other platforms, which has been easier than keeping a consistent blog up (I was really struggling with consistency in 2020, now that I'm a bit more... stable, I could probably achieve that on a blog).

I think the real reason I stopped this blog is because of the expectations of a good chunk of the self-ship community.

Now, I get it. The idea of self-ship in general may be kind of "cringe" to the average joe (but I could also say that most anyone has done it if they ever had fantasies as a teenager). It's hard to be out and open about it. But there's a huge divide between getting requests for writing and actually communicating with peers.

I'll level with anyone who wasn't aware--reigenquest used to be part self-ship, part request taking (it was under a different user back then) and I got requests on the daily. I think the most I ever got was 20-30 requests sitting in my ask box at once. Do you know how many times people asked about myself, about my own self-ships...?

A few times. I've had maybe two people maximum, who I did not know beforehand(!) who were willing to ask me about my journey, my story, even indulge me in a few fantasies. And, of course, the occasional friend who was also somewhat involved in self-shipping who would indulge me right back.

There's a lot of give-and-take in this community. But I felt like I was giving so much, and not getting very much back at all. Anyone here remember that F/O takeover day? I got, maybe, three asks maximum from that day. And I had to beg for it. At first I got no asks, because I wasn't taking requests.

It really ate away at my passion for the blog. I wanted to use reigenquest as a way to connect with the community in a semi-anonymous way, even discuss self-ships with others even if they wanted to hide behind an anonymous ask. But no one wanted to hear about me... and it hurt!

So, let's level.

Hi, my name is Jason, or you may have seen the nickname Host on some websites. I'm 20 years old. I'm working on a degree in Computer Science. And I am so full of love for so many characters that it's hard to keep track of...

I'm thinking I'm going to refresh this blog, since I finally have the energy to do so, but this time I'm hoping that maybe the community will ask to connect with me a little more. This blog is just shy of 500 followers (quite a lot for me!) and a lot of them are leftover from the days when I wrote for, ah... a certain fandom I kinda sorta don't want to be connected with anymore (it happens).

And to the few friends, or, well, just one friend I made through this blog--I'm sorry about the radio silence. I hope you've been well.

TL;DR: The self-ship community needs to take care of each other. It's difficult when you give scenarios, writing, etc. to others, but rarely get much back. Please please please just be kind to each other, even if you can only give a little back.

[the-sloth-woman]

How have Alrick and Lilly been doing with 2020?

Alrick: Oh, you know...

Lilly: It’s been a year...

Alrick: I won’t lie to you and say it hasn’t been rough. At the beginning of the year, Ryoutei Academy switched to exclusively online schooling.  I didn’t even know that was a thing.

Alrick: Human high school is already torture, but having to sit through Zoom call lectures??  Ugh... I broke three stupid computers because I was so fucking frustrated with them.  Lilly had to show me how to use everything and even she didn’t know what she was doing half the time.  My grades even dropped because I couldn’t figure out how to work the damn web camera or turn anything in.  Naturally, my father wasn’t pleased. 

Lilly: Alrick wasn’t the only one who had a hard time.  With school shut down the kendo club was cancelled.  I missed seeing all my friends every day, especially Yui.  This is probably going to sound callous, but I never realized how important other people were to me until I couldn’t see them..  After that, we started spending all our off time in the Demon World.  Everything here is open in comparison to the human world, but it’s a very different atmosphere.  it’s better than nothing, I guess. 

Alrick: Speaking of the Demon World, there’s a fucking food shortage.  With no humans walking around it’s become nearly impossible for my kind to hunt.  The humans here are in short supply, and nearly everyone without a personal prey has gone hungry at one point.  My father has left me in charge of trying to find a solution, but with so many of the humans sick and in quarantine it hasn’t been easy.  I consider myself lucky Lilly’s immune to human viruses and I’ve been feeding off her since March.  Although that’s normal for us. 

Alrick: So yeah, this last year’s been shit from start to finish. 

[iwannawritelots]

Asmodeus X MC: Coming Out (Transmasc)

Originally written May 2020

Asmodeus played with your hair and gave you his biggest smile. "(Deadname), I adore you. Don't you wanna talk...?" You two had been shopping in the mall all day, but when you sat down to rest, your dysphoria began to eat at you. You hated your voice, along with your body and your name. It hurt to hear your name from the boy's mouth.

"A-Asmo... do you ever feel... bad about yourself...?" You realized how stupid it must have sounded after it left your mouth, with him being beautiful and the avatar of lust.

He furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head like a puppy. "Why, of course not." He scooted closer to you and wrapped an arm around you. "Why?"

You hid your face in your hands, wishing you hadn't asked. "Forget I said anything."

"Ah, that's difficult; I love it when you talk." He giggled a little and nuzzled your cheek, but it wasn't cheering you up at all this time. "(Deadname)...?" You started to cry, and at first he didn't notice anything besides your shaking. "(Deadname), I...—" He saw the tears rolling down your cheeks and felt like his heart was going to explode from panic. Did he do something?

"A-A-Asmo... I-I'm t-t-tr..." You couldn't finish your sentence through the spluttering. He pulled you into his lap and attempted to keep you hidden from the passerby in the mall. "A-Asmo..."

He ran his fingers through your hair, unsure what to do. "Princess...?" You wailed at the nickname, wanting to just tell him so he could reject you already and it would be over with, but you were so scared.

"I-I'm t-trans-sgender..." You finally stuttered through sobs. "I-I hate my b-body and m-m-my voice a-and y-y-you pr-probably d-don't want a transgender-er p-partner..."

Wide eyed, Asmo hushed you until you quieted down. "Baby, I-I love you. You being trans don't make me love you any less."

"B-But it'll be a pain in the ass! A-And I'll h-have to tell your brothers! A-And everyone's gonna be awful to me! A-A-And—!" You attempted to catch your breath, shaking in his arms. "A-Asmo, if I-I—..."

He softly kissed your lips and smiled at you with the most gentle expression he could before gripping your jaw. "Prince, listen..." You glued your eyes to his, trembling. "It would be hypocritical of me to reject you when I'm a feminine man, don't you think? I love queer culture, and I'm a part of it. You know that." Before you could open your mouth, he added, "Furthermore, my brothers are all accepting of me. Surely they will show you that kind of love."

"H-How can you be so sure...?"

He smiled and gave you tiny bunny kisses. "I can feel it deep down."

You hid in him, softly crying as he told you all about the queer community in Devildom. Their pride parades, the sweet gay couples, the transgender care... it all comforted you immensely. You couldn't ask for anyone better to comfort you.

"I-I love you so much, Asmo..."

"I love you too, uh..." He blushed and kissed your head. "What do I call you, exactly?"

"____."

He repeated it to you. "_____." He liked the way it felt to say. "I love you, _____."

[huenjin]

2020 year end greetings.

disclaimer: this is going to be very long ( ˶ ❛ ꁞ ❛ ˶ ), but that's how much gratitude i have and so much more of love.

2020. ah, this year was a very emotional journey for me and how i wish i could sing jessi's gucci all throughout. however, that was not the case. tumblr helped me run away from all those irl miseries. these people made me feel at home.

this skz writing blog has been existing from the last few days of september and it came to life when i was losing motivation to write on my main (which i closed down because stray kids made me like writing back again) and it's stayed since then. you guys have stayed since then. grateful, a one hundred times and more.

so, this is rue, getting sappy and so much more thankful for everything i have and recieved with this blog. this is rue, asking you to accompany me for a little more and to listen to the stories i have to share. the is rue with heart full of nothing but love for each one of you.

to each one of my mutuals, for whom i pray to the stars to shower you with nothing but fortune —

@sinisterlyhan ♡ eiko, best thing i ever did was hit you up. how are you always so calm? or at least that's the tone i have in my head when i read your texts. it's so pleasant to talk to you. ily. and let me get started on your writing — you've heard this from me like every day but ma'am, you make magic. you lace stars together to form such a beautiful constellation of a writing and i fall in love a little more. thank you for inspiring me to always do better!

the hyunsung demon!au (whew!) — 01. 02. 03.

this hyunjin bad boy!au

@mochinnie ♡ isa, how i wish you handled yourself with a little more care. you're so fragile and delicate and i just want to protect you ?? so much ??? you're precious and one of the most beautiful people i have met. your characterisation is just perfect and god, i wish i could once write headcanons like you do. thank you for being my friend and for fangirling to me and for loving me. it means the world. psst, ily.

this seungmin fic

querencia | hh

@sparklemin ♡ nara!!!! big brain nara! god i love how your asks make my whole day and how you bring up different minho agendas in my head. you have my whole heart and i'm in love with you bye

girlfriend | bcn

hidden confession | bcn

@bearseungmin ♡ dawnie babie thank you for being such an enthusiast all the time while talking. you're so cheerful and happy and thank you for being this nice <33

beat it to the door | bcn

could listen to you read the dictionary | lfl

@chogiout ♡ yah, kira! sometimes i want to whack the back of your head like i whack my sister's, okay? it's the same kinda sibling love with you. fuck, not ever going to let you leave me. after all, my parents taught me to take responsibility of the stuff i rid innocence of. (lmao, sorry, bitch ily!!)

memoir | jyh

this youth of craziness | csn

@mikoto-ica-fics ♡ mi, bb! thank you for being so supportive. istg, if it weren't for you reblogging that one fic of mine, my fics would have never seen light to this day. it's easy to get lost in the tags hehe. and then i happen to text you and omg, aren't you the nicest ever? i love your story ideas, the way you write, the way you interact with people and thank you for talking to me. you make me want to be better.

entangled | lmh, hjs

power grab | hjs

@toffee-hwa ♡ ana! anaaaa~ you're so enthusiastic and supportive and fuck, i looooove ranting and fangirling to you! and the minute i know you're watching the same kdrama as i am, i just go like wheeeeeee— HAN SEOJUN!!! lmao, but thank you so much for talking to me, for listening and for caring! my romanian queen, you pretty human, you're the best!

yet, pt.i

yet, pt.ii

@chandisiacs ♡ yah, pav! must i drag you back to tumblr from twt? must i? i miss you. i really do and i can't wait to have your arse back here. thank you for being such a lively person to talk and hang out with, eee! and not at how you succeeded nano! inspirational! thank you x

thread of all your legendary aus

starboy | bcn

@unsaidhj ♡ you're so soft. and god i love you? and your aesthetics. it's a thing, ma'am. i existed to see your aesthetics lmao. and then i text you and you're so kind omg. i could never hate you so please, ma'am, stop telling me that in panic? huihui, ily and i hope you stay healthy. place yourself first, bb.

knife under my pillow | hhj

scammer, scammed | bcn

@sleepylixie ♡ yo, neighbor! you reminded me how small the world can actual get! love love talking to you about irl stuff because you can understand how messed up it is! and you're so kind, ah!!

in umbra

passion's abyss | lmh

@dreamyhan ♡ one of the few people i see on my dash and go like — hazeeeeeeeeel! you're just so nice, god. like if cotton candy was a person, it would be you, alright? and then there's your writing ability that skyrocket off the roofs because it is that good. thank you for being so supportive and nice to me! x

next time | bcn

in his arms | hjs

@itsapapisongo ♡ boy, my main man, javi!! your work was once my most favorite thing to listen to. loved how the mall worked and everything. and then there's how supportive you are like omg. if only i could explain the courage you give me. it's infinite. you make me feel infinite. also, #hardhours, right?

george of the jungle

swimming fool

@kabira ♡ typing the url down was even more romantic, manx. don't ever change this. love how strong and bold you are. love your opinions and love your writings even more. you're one of those few people who write like they mean every word from their heartstrings. thank you for providing us with stories to tell for eons. x (psst, ily so much!)

backstreet driving | hhj (that's the first skz fic i read because it was from you and not because it was skz and aren't i glad?)

sic semper tyrannis | lty

@dalknow ♡ the only other person on tumblr that i text religiously on discord. i love talking to you, bb. love getting personal with you. love how i can share absolutely anything. thank you for trusting me. thank you for listening to me. thank you for loving me. can't wait for you to put your stories back up on this acc. you're undefeatable and i know you'll have that known.

to each one of my anons, for whom i pray that you stay safe and healthy and most importantly, happy —

🧸 :: put you on the anon list because in my head you are that anon — my very first one and the one that lit up my whole world. it's kind of a very proud moment when someone wants to talk to you. you made me feel that. you made feel loved. and to see how well your blog is doing now, god, i feel like a proud mother.

🐠 :: my greek princess. the fact that i learnt more about breads from you than from my school makes me laugh hehe. you really did light up my world with every ask you sent me and had me unknowingly hope that you are happy in every minute. and now that i know who you are, i'm even more content because you're a mutual too now!

🍧 :: god, you have a special place in my heart, ice cream anon! maybe because you liked me more than my fic and followed me here even though you were an anon from my bts blog. fuck, if that didn't make my heart flutter, nothing ever will! (hush, your relationship is something i am still rooting for!!)

🦊 |🌹| 🥀 | 🛸 :: the way you guys keep checks if i'm staying hydrated and healthy. i am. and even when i wasn't, your asks made me go drink a cup of water ha! thank you for loving me x

tiktok anon :: ♡♡♡♡♡♡ yes idk what else to say to you but that i would give you a piece of my heart. your tiktok asks make my whole day. it's something i look forward too! thank you for always making my day!

and to my other anons, tagged or untagged :: thank you for sending me an ask. every single one, either telling me to stay happy or hydrated, or that my fic was great or that you're feeling extra horny that day (we've all been there!) i appreciate it and thank you for making me smile! x

to all the mutuals that i admire, look upto and wish we talked waaaay more, let's do it soon please! and to some mutuals that i just miss talking to! —

@nightshade-minho (ily! x nicest bean ever!!) :: @satanssmuts :: @lovebini :: @seraplantery :: @xiaojunssmile :: @chan-skz :: @chanluster :: @decembermoonskz :: @bangtantaegi (queen!!) :: @yunhozone (i miss you!!) :: @inkigayeo :: @vocalyunho

i hope each one of you stay happy, content and loved. my memory is pea sized and so i do pray that i haven't forgotten any! thank you for being my mutuals, for sharing laughter and talks with me for these months i've been here! i’m sorry if i missed anyone, but i seriously do appreciate everyone that i’ve ever talked to on here though! i hope to see you all next year and let's be happy together !!

with much love, x rue!

[samshogwarts]

My review of 2020

Or: I say thank you.

First of all, sorry for the long post 😅. You guys know I don'tike long posts without a "read more under the line". But I nade the post with my mobile phone.... Aaaaaaaanyway. Also sorry for all the tags. I hope I don't annoyed someone with it <~<. So let's continue:

I think this year has been a particularly difficult year for everyone. As 2020 is drawing to a close, I mentally let the year pass again.

The bottom line is that I have to say that 2020 was turbulent for me, but not necessarily bad. Much good, but also bad, has happened. And I want to start with the bad things right away.

At the beginning of the year, my depression and eating disorder relapsed. I've always had trouble talking about it because I know my friends can't handle this issue. I felt pressured because they wanted to do things with me, but I couldn't. So I withdrew completely, hiding my emotions and wearing a mask.

At that time I created this blog. At first I didn't want to create my own content, just follow the content of @ladycibia, @hogwartsmystory and @kyril-hphm. Incidentally, that is also the reason why I call these 3 blogs the Big Three. So it's their fault that I'm here. Lol.

And then the first Hyops message came at the end of March. A very good friend of mine got Corvid-19 and lost the battle against the disease a few days later. I still remember how the news pulled the floor from under my feet. It feels like I completely lost faith in everything and I started to realize how dangerous this year could be. 

But life goes on and so I visited a friend and her family in early July. It was the anniversary of her husband's death, who was also a very good friend of mine. He died of cancer last year and I couldn't go to his funeral. So I wanted to stop by on the day he died. I actually thought I could do it. But when you read a friend's name on a tombstone for the first time.. Guys, that's a punch in the stomach like no other and I can't really describe how it feels. I had made up my mind not to cry in front of his wife or children because it was hard enough for them. Didn't work.

And of course this year meant to go one better.

Another friend of mine died of the virus in mid-August, leaving behind a wife and a child. Again, I was unable to attend the funeral. And to be honest, it still bothers me way more I want to admit. In two years I lost three wonderful people who meant a lot to me and I couldn't say goodbye to any of them. When I see the three of them again after my death, you can be sure I'll kick their butts for it.

But August was the worst month for me in many ways. In addition to the death of my buddy, my father's family also volunteered. And that means only one thing - trouble.  And properly. I haven't had contact with this family for over 12 years for good reason. Now one person from this family has passed away. And first of all, I don't really care if anyone of them would die. I don't even know the person who passed away. But I wasn't told either by my grandmother or my father. So my deadline to cancel the inheritance has expired. Of course it was debts. You have to know that the inheritance rights of my country are very complicated. The reason my father or grandmother didn't tell me about it was because they didn't want to bother with the paperwork. They always had the opportunity to contact me via Facebook or my half-sister. But that would mean work for them. And while I was walking from lawyer to lawyer to court to court, I was allowed to hear sayings from my grandmother that I apparently have achieved nothing in my life. Nice to know that some people never change. I'm still struggling with this matter to this day and will probably not be able to fully clarify this until the beginning of 2021.

At the end of October everything seemed to be taking its revenge and I passed out at a friend's house. Nobody knows exactly what happened until today, but my friend took me to the hospital where I had to stay one night. That was Halloween. And I'm such a big fan of hospitals hahahaha hahahaha. After that I was allowed to wear an ECG for 2 weeks and it turned out that my heart values ​​had deteriorated. Why not. Let's just take everything with us this year!

Rounding out the negatives this year was my (as a teenager) best friend's suicide. I have to say that I haven't had any contact with this person for 9 years. However, it is the one who cut herself in her youth and then called me afterwards because she didn't know what to do. It was also the one I tried to get into therapy for 2 years. But her mother was always against it. And it was exactly this mother who was standing in my mother's shop, telling her about her daughter's suicide and that I was probably in the farewell letter. I don't know exactly what it said, but the mother now blames me for her daughter's suicide. And do you know what's craziest about the whole thing? I agreed with her! I really thought it was my fault because I knew how sick my former friend was. Yet I was the one who ended the friendship (for many reasons that had nothing to do with her depression). And I still wonder what would have happened if I had acted differently.

But enough of the negative things! A lot of nice things happened this year too. Among other things, I have found a new job within my group, earn more money and have pleasant working hours. I've renovated my apartment and I've started saving money on a new one. My two nieces are now going to school and I am a proud aunt. My male best friend and his girlfriend (my best harry potter friend) are pregnant and are expecting their first child soon and my mother's health is better.

But one of the best things that happened to me this year is this blog.

I already mentioned that I actually only created this blog to stalk the Big Three. I didn't want my own content at all. But I discovered more and more blogs and these incredibly great MCs that I thought I wanted to do whole too. And so Samantha O'Connell was born.

I received so much great support and encouragement on this platform. I don't think many people even realize how much that means to me. Especially this year.

I have also found great and lovable people here, some of whom I also call my friends. Even if we come from other countries, speak other languages ​​and may never see each other in real life, you are my friends and I am grateful to know you.

@annabelle-tanaka-official : I'll start with you of course! XD on tumblr you are just my best friend. I don't write as much with anyone as I do with you. You are such an incredibly talented person and so warm hearted! Over the year we have invented so many insiders that soon nobody will know what we mean.  Be it the monster hug, or that my cats are your spies or our many RP scenarios, which I really enjoy and which always make me laugh. I thank you for that!! I love you so much and I am so glad that we are friends! *minster hug*

@lunasilvermorny / @lunasilvermore : you are next to you !!! XD the next person I write to almost every day. What started with a little conversation about among us has turned into a friendship. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to streaming with you next year (and this year)!!! You are such a good listener that strengthens me. Your support is so nice of you too! Just the fact that you have subscribed to my YouTube channel xD (because of the language I even have an idea). I'm looking forward to the next year with you! Thank you so much for dealing with my craziness and still likes me! 

@kyril-hphm : muahahahaha. You can't escape me !!! Yes, what should I say? One of my big three even made friends with me. One of my Senpais noticed me! And then it's a lovely fluffy marshmallow! I still think it's funny  that we have such similar circuits and hearts! Nevertheless you are an incredibly honest, loving and talented person. I've never told you before, but sometimes I stare (for 20 minutes +) at your drawings to improve my style (just not working so far). You are an honest person and I am happy every time we talk, or when you react to my content. I would like to say thank you for that too! You are great and you can trust yourself more.

@carewyncromwell : my Chinese fireball, my Disney princess. Yes, for me you exude the aura of a Disney princess and nothing can change my mind. So! You were one of the first friends I made here on tumblr and one of the first to write with me! I still remember how proud and nervous I was back then! Just when I was in the hospital on Halloween and couldn't sleep that night, you kept texting me and distracting me from my fear. That means a lot to me. You are such a creative and lovable person too. Ah, that's just amazing. Your comments or hashtags always make me grin or laugh. Thank you for all your support and help!

@catohphm : my fluffier Ravenclaw brother!!! Of course you can't be missing either. I also write with you almost every day and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind words and your support. I just love the energy between Samantha and Cato. And it's always fun to write RP with you!  Thank you for being such a lovely and kind person!

@mira-shard : MIRAAAAAAA! It's kind of funny how long we've basically walked next to each other without talking to each other. And now I don't want to miss you anymore! You are such a fun and happy person. Writing with you is just fun! I also love your cosplay photos. Someday I'll come to visit you, and then we'll do cosplay shootings together until the camera bleeds! I would also like to thank you for your support and your kindness. 

@sirfluffig : ha. I hope you didn't think you were escaping me! Where should I start with you? Maybe that you were one of the first to give me such lovely feedback on Samantha? Or this super funny stream and that you helped me to stream in English? Or just like that, when we talk about our MCs or pen and paper. It's definitely always fun. I want to thank you for that and I'm looking forward to playing together again soon (get Among us)

@nightrhea-hphm : * run into you in slowmotion * Night! My wonderful supportive Gremlin! I've grown very fond of them over the years. And your support and feedback are just amazing. I also love the friendship between Night and Samantha. I think it's very similar to ours, right? You are also such an incredibly creative and lovable person. You make you feel like it's ok to be who you are. Thank you!

Of course there are many, many more like @rosievixen, @wangxianforever000 , @mollydarling-hphm , @morningstarinwinter , @hogwarts9, @hphm-brooke , @raymondhope-writer , @nikyiscreepy , @immagrosscandy , @mizutoyama , @ariparri-hphm and many many more.

I want to thank you all for your encouragement, support and feedback. You are the reasons why I am adding more and more details to this blog, why I dared to start with the fan comic and many more. 

It's still so amazing for me to meet so many talented, creative, kind and funny people. 

This year showed me again that life isn't just black or white. Life is Grey. Good things and bad things happen. Sometimes one side more than the other side. But as long we are taking the next step, life wl continues. Just keep in mind, as like you support me, I want to support you. So if you ever wanna talk, no matter what, remember you guys can always contact me. 

I'm really looking forward to next year and already have so many plans. I can not wait any longer. Enjoy the last days of the year, stay safe and most important: they the way you are guys! 

Love you all so much. 

[elizabeth-baelish]

Partner in Crime

Part 1/?

Pairing: Petyr Baelish X Reader

Word count: 1738

Warnings: none

Synopsis: With the help of the Vale, the North falls back to the remaining Starks. Petyr and you, his partner in crime move to Winterfell and is about to manipulate everyone to finally achieve your goals, the Iron Throne.

Aidan Gillen Week 2020: Sat, Oct 31 (Halloween)

I was thinking of writing a Petyr fic for a pretty long time now and this week was quite handy 😅 so this is my first fic with him, I hope it's okay!

∆

Blood. Blood and dead bodies everywhere. You were walking above the fallen soldiers at the field after the end of the Battle of the Bastards. John killed Ramsay and the rest surrendered, the wolf flags took the places of the previous ones.

A huge amount of men died: knights of the Vale, soldiers from both House Stark and the Boltons. The flies were already resting on the wounds making them smell. You flinched but then jump when you felt a hand on your ankle.

"Please, hel-." He couldn't finish his sentence since you stabbed him with your sword. You gasped for air and cursed when you saw it was a knight from the Vale. Luckily, no one noticed or thought it was the enemy. Either way you helped him after you glanced at his wounds. No one could've helped.

You didn't take part in the battle since Petyr didn't let you although you were his personal body guard. The game he was playing was dangerous and if he or you didn't pay attention for a moment, he would be dead. Lord Baelish and you met in Kings Landing during a ball. You were lucky to born in a wealthy family, but you didn't feel like that. You didn't want to marry and have children, instead you wanted to do something important and useful. At the event, you were watching the dancing couples from the side when Petyr offered his hand which you accepted happily. After the dance, you were walking in the gardens while you told him about yourself and vice versa, though it was pretty difficult to get any information about him. Then when he escorted you home he offered you a job as you mentioned him about your plans.  It felt like ages since then.

You went through a lot, the plan went well and now Winterfell was yours and Petyr's. Technically the Starks', but Sansa was easy to control. She was in your hands. At least, that's what you thought.

You wiped the blood with a clothing and headed back to the castle. The gates were still a mess only a few guards asked your name and who you were. When you informed them they let you in and followed your way to your room. You opened the door with the big old key and leaned on the closed door with eyes closed. That man really freaked you out. It wasn't the first time to kill though.

"Are you alright, (Y/N)?" Petyr's voice echoed making you gasp.

"Why can't I just be alone in my room for a second?"  You snapped as you took off your sword belt and placed it on the table in the center of the room.

"What happened? Your hands are shaking." He observed and walked over to you from the window.

"Nothing." Petyr gave you a 'You can't fool me' look earning a sigh from you. "Alright. A man scared me then I killed him. I thought he was one of Ramsay's soldiers. He just grabbed my leg and-. Ah, just let it go, I'm fine." You sat down on the edge of your bed, Petyr following you. "Let's talk about something else. For example, what's next?"

"A game, my dear." He smirked. That kind of smirk which he only gave to you and it melted your heart. You had feelings for him, though he didn't know about them. You knew he was head over heels in love with Kat then Sansa so you didn't even bother. You just kept your feelings for yourself.

"I like games." You smiled. "And who are the main players this time?"

"You." He stood up and walked back to the window watching the life of Winterfell. He hoped he would soon observe as the King himself.

"Me? Personally, I would like to remain the Game Master if it's not a problem." You weren't fond of the thought being used as a doll. Particularly, in Petyr's theater.

"Don't worry. It will be easy. I just would like you to talk to Sansa. Braid each others' hair, talk abut love and knights. I would like you two to be friends." He said avoiding eye contact.

"Are you kidding me, right?" He exactly knew that you weren't on speaking terms and only talked if it was necessary. "And I don't think that a girl who was raped and assaulted and was forced to marriage will talk about knights and love." At the word 'rape' you could see that Petyr's jaw clenched and balled his fist. "Petyr it wasn't your fault. We didn't know about Ramsay." You eased you voice to comfort him. You stepped next to him and placed your hand on his shoulder. "We messed it up together."

"No! Only you. You were in charge of asking and getting information about him." He snapped. He was a calm person and only acted like this when he was extremely fed up or disappointed. You drifted away and sighed.

"I can't believe what you've just said. But alright. If you feel like this then achieve what you want alone. I would ruin everything, anyway."

"Stop acting like a child, (Y/N)." He sighed rolling his eyes.

"Get out." You hissed through your teeth.

"Excuse me?" He glanced at you with tilted head.

"You heard me. Get out of my room. Lord Baelish." You crossed your arms and tried to put a strict face on, but the only thing you wanted is to hug him tight and never let him go. He hesitated at first, then he glanced at younbefore he left your room.

The night was full of nightmares with wolves, mockingbirds and faceless men. You woke up swimming in sweat and panting. You were about to make some sense from the dreams when you heard a knock on the door.

"Lady (Y/N)? Lady Stark would like to have a word with you in her chamber as soon you are ready." The guard informed you through the door.

"Thank you, sir. I will made my way there first." You said. After you heard him left you took on your rather masculine clothes as it was much comfortable and useful. You didn't trust anyone there and you were in a dangerous place with hazardous situations, like this one. Why in the seven hells would Sansa want to speak to you?

Your sword hung on your side as you were taking the steps to the next floor. A few knocks on the door and the redhead  yelled to come on in.

"My lady." You bowed your head. "You needed to see me."

"Yes, thank you for coming and also my apologies if I woke you up. And please call me Sansa. I think we have known each other pretty long now and are friends." She smiled. You hid your disgust from the word 'friends' but faked a smile.

"As you wish. So, Sansa, how can I help?" You asked as she gestured towards the empty seats.

"I have a kinda personal question for you. And you don't have to answer if you don't want to." She help up her hands.

"Alright." You shrugged.

"What are Lord Baelish's intentions? I mean, you are the closest person to him and I thought you knew." She was playing with her necklace as she told you her rather intimate question.

"Well, honestly, I don't know." For the long term you knew, but the near future was still a blur. "And if you really want to know, I think you should ask him yourself. All I can say, that he feels sorry and terrible for what he did, Sansa. Even if he looks shady, he cares for you. He sees your mother in you and maybe that's why." You were still mad at him, though you felt the urge to defend him both mentally and physically.

"Thank you for telling me this, (Y/N)." She put her hands on the top of yours making you feel embarrassed. "Oh, I'm sorry. I know, you like to stay in the distance." She pulled her hand back and stared in the fire. "It's just... I'm happy that there is someone I trust here. I admire you, (Y/N). Despite that you are a girl, you can defend yourself and at the same time you are gorgeous and attract the men." Your eyes widened hearing all these compliments from the girl you hated. Though, if she knew you also took your part of all the things happened to her, to the kingdom, to the death of her dad, she wouldn't wanted to be so desperately be friends with you.

"Oh, I don't think I'm attractive at all, but thanks." You tucked a lock of hair behind your ear.

"And I hope, I'm not asking too much but would you be by my side? At least, until John comes back." She bit her lower lip down fearing your reaction.

"What about Brienne?"

"I sent her to the Black Fish and I don't want to bother her anymore. So, what do you say?" She asked as your mind were already clicking and the wheels were screeching. Being this close to her can be handy and she may tell you secrets that Petyr will never know about. All in all, that's what he wanted.

"Let it be." You cracked a mischievous smile before you hear the sound of the horns and the gates opening. You shared a look and headed downstairs immediately.

When you arrived to the gates you saw a boy in a chair with a girl. Sansa rushed to him and hugged him tight. You could see Petyr from the corner of your eyes standing upstairs and watching the scene.

"Isn't that the cripple of Ned Stark?"

"Brandon Stark. The last true heir of Eddard Stark." You heard the whispers. If he was Brandon Stark you were both in a pit with Petyr. A quite deep pit. And you just hoped that chaos was a ladder.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 2/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Heyo, yall! Just hope yall are enjoying this fic so far. I worked really hard on it, but so proud. So many times I just wanted to quit it. But I stuck it out!

Major TW for this chapter: Child abuse mentions // mental breakdown // Anxiety // Dementia mentions

2020

I flinched, feeling a hand lightly slap my foot twice. "Wake up, Princess."

I rolled over slightly, blinking as if to clear my vision. Jujubee looked as if she had been awake for hours, looking fresh as fuck in her dressing gown. She must have had a shower hours before because, despite the dry hair, I could smell the mango and papaya soap. Fuck, it smelt so good.

Then there was me; hair wrecked, makeup long expired, body smelling of that typical hangover smell. Like a hospital, except unclean.

I whined like a child, rolled back over on my stomach and buried my face hoping it would stop my head from pounding.

"Nope. Not happened." Jujubee sat down on the bed and shook me.

"What time is it?" I asked with my face still smushed into the pillow.

"It's 2PM." She answered.

That's what got me up. I threw the covers back and went to stand. "Fuck!"

Jujubee grabbed my hand and pulled me back down. "Relax. It's our day off, remember?"

I whined even more, curling up with my head in her lap.

"Not that it makes a difference considering you're always late anyway," Jujubee added as she stroked my unbrushed hair.

"Shut up. I'm the boss. I can do what I want." I mumbled.

"Ah, Brianna Caldwell, you never change." Jujubee quipped. "Only follows the rules whenever it suits her, bosses everyone around - -"

"I do not, you whore. And can you please not speak to me so loud right now?" I pulled myself up and tousled my hair. "I need some shades or something."

I always needed shades when I was hungover, so Jujubee was already prepared. She pulled them from her pocket and handed them over. "Shade up, baby girl."

Life was already so much better with them on.

"But back to the topic at hand, though. Don't you remember the chess boys from high school?" Jujubee spoke a bit quieter now. "You literally bossed them around."

"They let me boss them around 'cause they wanted to sleep with me, Jujubee," I replied, reaching for my phone.

"And, you bossed me around too." Jujubee raised her brows.

"Mmmm, I don't remember that." I hummed, feeling pretty much over the conversation.

It took Jujubee an hour to convince me to get out of bed and clean myself up. After finally getting showered and dressed, we were out of the apartment and already heading to Starbucks.

I could have made my own coffee, but that required effort. And that I wasn't willing to give that day.

We were sitting at a booth in the back, with minimal effort in trying to go incognito. But this was a regular hang out for us. There was no need to worry about our names being shouted out. The baristas eventually learned to just bring our orders to us. It made Jujubee feel bad, but I didn't mind.

The barista, Kyle, came over and put our drinks down on the table.

"I deserve this. I really, really deserve this." I said, already taking a sip of my coffee.

"Congrats on last night. The boss said if you both need a refill, just let me know." Kyle winked. God bless Kyle. "So, When's the launch day?"

"Kyle, as charming as you are, you'll just have to wait like everybody else." I tried my best to beam a smile.

"Alright. Enjoy, ladies." And Kyle walked away.

Jujubee let her eyes follow for a moment longer. I know she was literally staring at nothing in particular, but I decided to have a bit of fun. "Go ask him out, Juju."

"Girl, you ask him out," Jujubee smirked. "I'm happy enough being a crazy cat lady. I don't need no man."

I knew it was a joke. Jujubee wasn't the type to encourage me to find someone. It was like she knew how it could bother me.

Despite liking the single life, I kind of did like the sound of being with someone. Maybe it was the fear of the past that stopped me from pursuing a relationship. I had a few girlfriends in the past. But they hadn't lasted long. I was afraid they would have somehow found out about my past self. Because, once upon a time, nobody would've even dared think of me as an attractive, promiscuous, alluring, single female.

But now that I had the glow-up of the century, dyed my hair blonde, I had quite a lot of admirers. It only really started to occur when NASA began sponsoring the project, bringing more traction.

My phone started ringing, but I paid no heed.

Jujubee, however, almost dropped her drink.

"Girl, why is Ed Sheeran calling you?" Jujubee raised a brow.

And as soon as the name met my ears, I was reminded of the night before. "Oh, God." I held my head in my hands.

"What did you do?" Jujubee was already groaning.

"I fucked up," I answered.

"You didn't have a quicky with him or something, right?" Jujubee questioned further.

I lifted my head, looking at her with squinted eyes. "What? No. Ew. Juju." I sipped my coffee before bearing the news. "OK, so...I don't know why I did it, maybe 'cause I'm a mess when I'm drunk, but I…" I lowered my tone, "kinda offered him the chance to be the first person to go into the other world."

"What?? I thought we were gonna do that!" Jujubee was freaking out.

"I know. I fucked up."

"Well, call him back."

"And, tell him what? 'Sorry, Ed. Jk'?"

Jujubee's forehead was in her hands, "I was really excited." She whined.

As I said before, this meant a lot to us. We hadn't discussed it with the team yet, but Jujubee and I had privately planned that we'd be first to enter the other world. So you could understand this was incredibly disappointing for her.

"OK. How about this? Ed will go in for 5 minutes. After that, we bring him back to Earth. And then we fly off by ourselves?" I suggested.

"I was looking forward to the pink sky. And the flying horses. And the…"

Jujubee went on a ramble as my phone began to ring again. I picked it up, letting it ring for a few seconds before declining Ed Sheeran's call.

I checked if there were any texts from him. Nada. But there was one message that caught my attention. The memory of reading it the previous night came flooding back.

Jujubee was still rambling, but I put my phone down and leaned across the table slightly. "Juju, do you remember Blair St Clair?"

Jujubee's expression changed instantaneously. "Girl, of course, I do. You were in love with her for years."

"Oh my God, can you whisper, please?" I questioned, the desperation in my voice very much apparent.

"Brianna, she's back in Ohio. We're in New York. I don't think anyone's gonna go and tell."

"You never know," I briefly looked behind me for fear that somehow the world decided to shit on my luck and make her appear in the booth behind me.

"Girl, chill out. And yes, I do remember her." Jujubee replied, "you know something that always stuck with me? Please don't ask why, but I'll never forget the day you told me you were in love with her. You came out to me that day too."

-_-_-_-

1995

"Juju, I gotta tell you something," I said, throwing my doll to the side of the fort. If I didn't tell her the truth now, I never would.

"What is it?" Jujubee sounded scared.

I crossed my legs in a pretzel shape, straightened my back and declared, "Juju, I like girls. And Blair St Clair is the girl I'm in love with."

I was expecting amazement, awe, shock. But Jujubee just seemed confused.

"What? How is that possible?" She asked.

"You promise you can keep a secret?" I offered my pinky.

Jujubee joined hers with mine. "Of course I can."

"OK." Our fingers remained twisted around each other. "Well, I saw two ladies in the mall kissing. And my Mommy told me girls can like girls. And I had an a-piffa-tree. The reason I like Blair so much is because I'm in love with her!"

"Brie-Brie, you need to slow down." Jujubee put her hand up. "If girls can like girls, then how come we never see girls kissing girls? It's always boys and girls."

"I don't know."

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"Nope."

"Then, how are you sure?"

"I don't know. You ever get that weird feeling inside that tells you that you're right? I can feel it. I know I'm not lying."

"Wooow." Jujubee looked away briefly. "Does that mean you like me?"

"I don't know. You're my friend, Juju." I shrugged. "I mean, maybe we should kiss just to figure it out."

Juju looked like she was contemplating this for a moment before nodding her head and sitting up. "OK!"

I didn't even hesitate. Instead, I moved closer and gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

"Ew!" We both pulled away.

We both agreed to never do that again, nor ever speak of it.

As if nothing had happened, we continued on playing with our dolls for another hour before the rain came out.

I walked Jujubee home, feeling very much like 'the big girl' being all responsible.

And in walking back to my own place, wrapping my arms around myself, I saw Blair - walking alone, drenched from head to toe.

"Blair!" I ran towards her.

She turned to look at me, her face scrunched up, trying to see through the downpour.

Call it instinct, but I knew something was up, just from how she was looking at me. I put my hands on her shoulders. "What's wrong?? Are you OK?"

"I'm lost. I-I'm trying to find my way home." She said quietly.

"What. How did you - -" I stopped myself from talking any further. Instead, I took Blair by the hand and pulled her towards the bus shelter off to the side of the road.

We both sat down when we got inside. She was shaking, close to catching a cold in the awful weather. Not to mention she had no jacket on. So I pulled my arm out of its sleeve and draped half of the coat over her.

"What happened to your coat?" I asked

"I didn't bring it." She replied.

"Why not? It's cold. You're going to get sick."

"I'm sorry. I just...ran."

I was silent for a moment. Then, "What do you mean?"

She was also silent for a moment, her blue eyes drifting to the ground. "Brianna...is it normal for Daddies to shout real loud all the time? Do they smash things a lot?"

No. It was not expected. I may not have had a Father figure in my life, but I knew well enough. "Blair, what happened?"

Blair clenched her fist around the jacket. "My Daddy...he…"

Despite her timid voice trailing off, I understood. She didn't even need to say it. "Do you have somewhere to go?"

She lifted her eyes to me, "I need to get home. I just ran as fast as I could. And somehow ended up here. I don't know my way back."

"I don't think you should go back," I admitted.

"I have to. Or he'll be even more mad."

I was wracking my brain. There was no way I could let her go back. "OK. Is there somewhere you can stay for a while? Somewhere close?"

"No." Blair shook her head. "Wait. Yeah. My Granny lives somewhere around here." She looked at me with optimism in her eyes.

"That's great! I know this place like the back of my hand. I bet I can find it in a few seconds."

After sitting for 10 more minutes, the rain was starting to settle, so Blair gave me the address, and off we went. I carried her bag for her. She was probably exhausted from all the walking.

All the while, I just listened as she talked about many things - Madonna, her Princess Belle doll, how Jade from school actually picked her nose when no one was looking. So many different topics. And I didn't speak a word. I guess I was just so...astonished. Here I was, walking along in a light rainstorm, hanging out with the prettiest girl in my class. How was this possible? Was this real life?

"You've been really quiet." Blair pointed out.

"Yeah, I just can't believe you're talking to me. What the fuck?" Yes, I said that.

Blair laughed at my potty mouth. "Yeah, why wouldn't I?"

I shrugged. "Well, I don't know. Maybe 'cause no one likes me."

Blair stopped in her tracks for a moment. "I like you."

I stopped, spun around, and looked at her with wide eyes. There was no way I heard her say those words. No fucking way.

"Come on. I know where we are now. Granny's house is around the corner." Blair began to move again.

But the butterflies in my stomach were going wild. I felt warm and wanted to just hug her. But I also didn't want to alarm her. Baby steps, Brianna.

I walked Blair to the house. Her Granny came to the door and was obviously quite confused. And Blair began to cry again.

I wanted to turn and run, feeling very out of place. But Blair grabbed me before I could leave and pulled me into a hug. She pressed her tear-stained face against my shoulder and whispered, "Thank you, Brie."

"I gotta go."

I pulled out of the hug and ran as fast I could. I don't know if I left her standing there confused or if she just knew by then it was just a me thing to be awkward.

But my mind was racing; Blair liked me. I knew not in the same way as I liked her. But, surely, that meant we could be friends.

Oh, how naive I was.

A few weeks later, it was the beginning of Summer. Mom took me to the park, and there was Blair with her friends.

I ran across the grass to the picnic blanket they were all sitting at.

"Blair!" I called excitedly. I practically threw myself down next to her, giving her a tight hug.

"Ew." Jade laughed.

"Shut up, Jade." Blair snapped.

"Are you friends with the freak now or something?" Carmen questioned, inching away from me.

"I'm not a freak!" I shouted.

"Uh, yeah, you are," Serena added. "We don't want freaks in our friend group. Go on. Get lost."

"Girls - -" Blair tried.

"You wanna join her?" Jade pointed her gaze at Blair, her face scrunched up in disgust.

I was waiting for it; The big 'fuck you' as Blair stood up, took my hand and walked away.

But she remained seated. Her eyes trailed down to the ground. I tried shaking her shoulder.

"Blair?" I spoke quietly.

She didn't say a word. It was as if she had turned to stone.

My body felt cold.

"See? She doesn't like ugly people like you. No one does." Jade smirked.

I remember the moment being more intense than it actually was. Because in a matter of seconds, the girls were screaming as I began to punch Jade in her bitchy face. I couldn't punch for shit. But if it left a bruise, I was happy.

"Brianna!" I heard my Mom's voice. Her dark arms wrapped around me, pulling me away from the now crying Jade. "We are going home right now." Mom threatened. But I didn't care.

From being dragged away from the fight scene all the way until we got home, I screamed.

Mom screamed back for a while when we were in the car. But you can't fight fire with fire. So she stopped when we pulled up.

I got in, I beat the fuck out of every object that came into my line of vision. And my shouting never stopped.

"No one wants you, ugly freak!" I smashed a vase. "Worthless piece of trash!"

Mom had been chasing me all over the house, trying to calm me down. But this wasn't like any tantrum I had ever had, and as Mom had no idea what was actually going on, she had no idea what to do.

She eventually scooped me up in her arms and held me tight as she sat on the ground. I screamed as I tried to fight off her grasp, downing out all her hushed whispers. "I got you, Baby. I got you. Mommy's here."

My screams did go on for another while, but as soon as they ended, all I could say to Mom was, "I should give up. Blair will never be my friend. I'm too ugly."

Mom stood me up, so she knew I was looking directly into her eyes. She pointed a finger in my face and spoke with a cracked but stern tone. "Don't say that. Never ever say that. You are so beautiful, and no one has the right to tell you that you're not. I want you to go look in the mirror, really, really look at yourself, Brianna. And I want you to see how pretty you are. Look at your hair, your brown eyes, your freckles. You are just as pretty as everyone else, girl. You are not ugly."

I squeezed my fists, feeling the hard lump in my throat. "Then why did my Mommy and Daddy give me away?"

Mom was stunned for a moment. She took my hand. "Baby, that had nothing to do with how you look. They…" she paused, trying to find the right words to use, "they just…" another pause, "look, I'll tell you when you're older. But I promise you are not ugly."

I couldn't hold on anymore. I let out a pained cry and immediately threw myself into her arms and buried my face in her shoulder.

-_-_-_-

2020

That was my first major emotional breakdown, marking the beginning of many more to come. But, unfortunately, Mom didn't want to immediately get me help. She had a feeling it would upset me further. And she was right.

Just as I had begun middle school, I had another huge episode. That was it. There had been too many episodes throughout those years.

You can try covering a crack in the wall with a pretty picture, but the problem would never go away, would it?

I couldn't stand therapy. Why was I the one to work on my emotions when I only felt the way I did because kids were assholes? Where were all the breathing exercises and meditation sessions to make them not be dicks?

But as much as I hated it, the older I got, I opened my eyes. What I hated the most was seeing the pain I was putting Mom through. So I really tried hard not to freak out.

I didn't want to upset Mom anymore. She really did her best. And to this day, I wouldn't change her for the world.

"We're here."

I was brought out of my thoughts as the cab pulled over. I had been so gone, just sitting in the backseat, staring at the magenta glass vase in my hands.

"Keep the change," I replied, handing the driver the money and thanking him as I got out.

He took my suitcase from the trunk and left it by my side. And with a goodbye, he drove off.

Standing at the bottom of the lawn, I looked at the house. Fuck, once upon a time, I wouldn't have been so in love with its appearance. I had no idea what my Mom was going for with the multiple colours. The outside was painted pastel yellow with a sky blue door and pink frame. Then there were the various flowerpots stuck onto the wall next to the door. All different colours; pink, green, orange or blue.

OK, I lied; as a kid, I fucking loved our house. Everyone else's was boring. But when high school rolled around, people would whisper how I was "the weird hippie chick from the rainbow crack house". So, you can understand why it quickly became an eyesore for me.

I knocked on the front door, feeling the excitement bubble within me. I had been so busy with the project, it was a few months since I last saw her in person. I glanced at the vase in my hand, the perfect Birthday gift. It was perfect because I got her a new one every year. Because I never got over the guilt from smashing her favourite vase as a child. This act was to make a point - to show that no matter how much I apologised, I was always sorry, and would always be.

I knocked again. There was only a barking behind the door. Good to know someone was in.

I still had my own key. No point in standing outside all day. I made my own way in, knowing I could just surprise her later.

"Hi, baby!" I spoke in a hushed tone as Piggie started to jump around excitedly. Fuck, I missed him so much.

I closed the door and knelt down next to the pug, bringing him into a hug and kissing him on the head. "You good boy," I said in between kisses, "Let's get you some food."

Standing back up, I made my way to the kitchen, and Piggie was only happy to follow. I still remembered where his food was kept, so I poured him a bowl. Then, while he was distracted, I took my suitcase up the stairs and into my old bedroom.

Fuck, there was always something so surreal about walking into it. I hadn't lived at home since before I went to college. From that moment on, Jujubee and I always had our own places. And now, I had my apartment in New York.

Meaning, the last time I had redecorated was years before my glow up (in personality and looks). The walls were pink, I remember them being a pretty pastel tone, but they looked duller now. Above my bed, the wall was littered with posters, writing and photos. I made eye contact with Reese Witherspoon on the Legally Blonde poster, remembering how I always wanted to be like her. Funny how I kind of did achieve that.

I realised I was just standing in the doorway, just staring. So, I sat the suitcase against my desk and went to lie down. I smirked as I found all 5'5" of my whole being still fit into it.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture of myself to Jujubee, the caption reading 'Hey, babe, my parents are out?￰ 😉😉 come over?'.

While waiting for her reply, I changed my pencil skirt and blouse, choosing to wear leggings and a tank instead. Suddenly, I felt 10 years younger.

An hour passed, and Mom was still nowhere to be seen.

"Maybe she's at work. Does she have a job?" Jujubee asked me through the phone.

"I... don't know, Juju," I murmured, my attention not really on the question but on the contents of the fridge.

There was a punnet of strawberries. I helped myself to a few.

"When was the last time you spoke to her? Seriously, Brie, I'm getting so nervous." Jujubee sounded concerned. I knew her mind was thinking of the worst. And oddly enough, I found it to be entertaining.

"A few months back, actually," I smirked. "She's been real quiet, to be honest." Piggie was at my feet, looking for one of the juicy strawberries. I shook my head at him.

"Oh God, no. Did you check every room? Talk to the neighbours?"

"Oh, fuck! Juju. My God, there's a head in the fridge!" I feigned terror.

"Brianna!"

"Relax. I'm fucking with you. I spoke to her last night." I took one more strawberry. Biting into it, the juice dripped down my fingers and onto the ground. Piggie was beyond happy now, licking it up. I let him be and made my way out of the kitchen.

"That's not funny, Brianna. Don't joke about that. I thought she was missing or...worse."

"Fair enough. Sorry, girl. Anyway, how's work today?" I walked into the living room and sat on the couch.

"Good, good. Ed Sheeran's team finally got in touch," Jujubee said with a hint of disdain.

I held my forehead in one hand, wanting to punch myself for even speaking to him the week before.

I groaned, "See, this is why I should stop drinking."

"Well, to be fair, you don't drink as much as you did back in college. But when you do, you go hard."

Jujubee continued talking, lecturing me about my life choices when I moved my foot and felt it touch something under the couch. It startled me at first, but I pulled out the item.

A slipper. Grandpa's slipper. Sitting back on the couch again, letting my eyes just stare at it. "Hey, Juju. I'm gonna go."

There was a sigh on the other end. "Fine. Not like I was talking about anything important or whatever."

"Sorry," I said quietly.

"Don't worry. I still love you, whore." She said.

"Of course you do."

I made a nasty kissing sound through the phone. She was grossed out, of course, and hung up. I chuckled for a moment and put my phone away.

Piggie came into the room and jumped up on the sofa next to me. I began to pet him, my eyes now back on the shoe.

Grandpa wore his slippers more than he wore regular shoes. Every time he found out Mom had put them in the wash, he would be furious. I would always listen to him ranting and wonder why men were gross. But I'd also laugh at how he threw his hands up in the air in frustration.

There was one time, in particular. He had gotten mad for the same reason. He huffed and came into the living room, sitting down on the couch, in the very seat I currently was sitting. He was shaking his head, just looking at the TV.

I shuffled closer to him and offered a few potato chips. His frown was immediately reversed. His smile had never seemed brighter. He took a few chips and asked with a full mouth, "Hey, kiddo. Aren't you late for school?"

It was 2PM. On a Saturday.

My smile was beginning to fade, my eyes still focused on the slipper. I could feel it - a familiar twisting feeling from somewhere within my stomach, the oxygen in my lungs seeming to fail me, a tremble taking my hands over.

And then, Piggie licking my arm.

I flinched slightly as I was brought back to the present. I smiled, petting Piggie. "Where would I be without you, baby?"

Piggie didn't answer, of course. Instead, he just licked my hand, which was enough for me to chill out.

I put Grandpa's shoe back under the couch, now inspired to search more of the house. But before I got off the couch, I checked my phone. Jujubee had Snapchatted me.

Clicking into it, I froze for a moment. She was in her bathroom, the shower running behind her. I wanted to say she was the main element to the picture, cocking her head to the side, pouting her lips and raising a brow. Despite the fact Jujubee never sent me pictures like this, it wasn't the first time I had seen her in her lingerie, though. But, I couldn't help but glance at her black lacey bra. The breath was caught in my throat for a moment.

The text read, 'You OK, babe?'

Around middle school, Jujubee developed this 6th sense, knowing when something was up with me. It was impressive.

I lifted my phone up high, took a picture and made sure to get Piggie in the frame. He wasn't looking, however.

"Piggie." He was looking now. I smiled and took the picture. I captioned it, 'Just hanging out with this one'.

I hit send. And now filled with inspiration to go on a nostalgia trip, I got up from the sofa and went off to explore. I called Piggie to follow.

I found myself upstairs, standing in the doorway of Mom's room. It felt rude to intrude. After all, a bedroom wasn't just a bedroom. It was a sanctuary, a place to be yourself, to carry out your own private rituals free from judgement, a happy place. So it felt like an intrusion to invade her space.

But I spotted the perfume bottles on her dresser. There was one bottle, in particular, a fragrance she always bought. It was her favourite - a musky scent with a hint of amber vanilla.

I couldn't resist. I made my way to the dresser, lifted the bottle and smelt the underside of the lid. Immediately, I felt my body relax. It smelled just like her. And there was no smell sweeter than the smell of your own Mother. It felt safe, loving, warm. Now, I was even more excited to see her again.

That was as far as I'd go into her room. So I put the perfume back, ushered Piggie to get down from her bed and left.

I was back in my old bedroom. I wanted this nostalgia trip to be unlike any other. So I knew exactly where I'd find it. I looked in the drawers of my desk. And in the very bottom drawer, I found it; my old diary.

"This is going to be wild, Piggie. I just know it." I smirked, sitting down on my bed, my back against the headboard. Piggie curled up beside me. We were both sitting comfortably. So I began.

'Dear Dairy'

Already, I had to pause and laugh. 7 year old me would have been a legend in a spelling bee.

'Today, I had a fight with Jujubee. She really upset me, but I upset her too. I should say sorry. That's all. Bye.'

Short and sweet, child me didn't beat around the bush. She just gave you the information you needed. That was it.

I flicked a few pages forward.

'Dear Diary,

I had another fight with Jujubee. I really don't want to upset her. But sometimes I get so angry, I don't know what to do. I lost a tooth today too. So I am going to leave a note to the tooth fairy. I want her to take all my anger from me instead of my tooth. I hope it works.'

I remembered that. I had gotten mad because we were playing house. I wanted Jujubee to be both the parents, and I'd be the two kids. She didn't want to. She wanted to play the part of a child too. I freaked out, of course. I specifically remembered telling her she'd do it if she cared about me. She said she did care. But in the heat of the moment, I didn't believe her.

"God, I was such a brat," I spoke quietly.

I skipped some pages, unsure of what I was to find. And seeing one specific name, I stopped flicking through.

'Dear Blair,

You are like the sunshine. You are…'

I stopped reading, cringing at my child self. Was this before I realised it was a crush or not? What was hilarious about this entry was how damn long it was. All other accounts were short and straight to the point. But this? It went on for 3 pages. I bet my younger self felt mega proud about writing so much. But now, I felt the need to build a fucking time machine, go back to that moment and tell little Brianna, "Guess what? Nothing happens. Blair never becomes your friend. She never feels the same way about you the way you feel about her, so stop before you make it worse for yourself!"

I decided I was taking this diary back to New York. I needed to investigate it more. And there were probably some accounts that Jujubee would cackle laughing at.

My nostalgia trip wasn't at its peak just yet. I needed something that would just send me over the edge of happiness. And I knew I'd probably find that in my memory box. But there was a problem. I had given it to my Mom, asking her to hide it away somewhere. And whenever I wanted to put something into it, I'd give it to her, and she'd hide it for me.

And I made her promise to only give it back to me when I turned 50. No matter how much I cried and begged, she could not break that promise. Young me knew one day I'd be on a one way trip down memory lane.

I was so tempted to find the box. Surely, it couldn't have been too hard to find. But Piggie growled for a moment, his ears perking up. He looked at the window and started barking. I was now aware of the sound of a car's engine. A familiar one at that.

Finally, Mom was home.

I peaked out the window to see she was grabbing her bag from the car.

Piggie and I raced down the stairs, taking the vase from the living room and waiting excitedly at the door.

Funny how with excitement there came a level of anxiety, the tiniest hint of fear bubbling in your stomach. And I felt it all as soon as I heard the jiggling of the key.

The door opened slowly as if she already knew something was unusual about the place like she was bracing herself for whatever she was going to find.

She peeked around the door. My smile was beaming.

"Happy Birthday!" I shouted.

"Jesus Christ!" Mom flinched, almost falling back and stamping on the ground. Piggie was going wild now, barking from all the excitement. "Brianna, you could have given me a heart attack!" She shut the door and clasped a hand to her chest.

I laughed at her over-the-top reaction and held out the vase. "I got you another one."

Mom looked at me, still panting from her shock. She was silent for a moment, and in that silence, I realised how much I had missed her.

Mom stepped forward, took the vase and put it to the side. As she pulled me into a tight hug, I could see her face scrunching up.

There are two people of people; those who can't stand seeing their Moms cry. And fucking liars.

Of course, I belonged to the first group. As you know, I…

Well, you already know. Here, let me put in a fun diagram of things I didn't want to deal with at that moment.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, you bitch." Mom spoke softly in my ear as she cried.

"I couldn't help myself." I forced a smile.

As much as I hated seeing her cry, I knew she needed it. Me being the only child she ever had, it broke her heart when I moved out in the first place. I'd imagine it was tough now that she was alone.

Yeah, she had Piggie. But it obviously wasn't enough. So I let her cry it out as she hugged me. I could smell the perfume, and again, I felt that safety, the security a Mother's love brings.

When she pulled away, she immediately moved to the kitchen, already brewing some tea. I let her know that I didn't mind if she had to go upstairs and change or anything. But she insisted we get into the catch-up.

"I invited some people from work to come over later. You remember the flower shop beside the old church?" Mom rambled, her shaking hands pouring the tea into two mugs.

"Of course I do," I answered, sitting at the table, with Piggie in my lap.

"Yeah, I work there now." Mom replied.

I felt bad. This shouldn't have been news. It was my part to already know that.

Mom sat at the table, placing the mugs down too. Piggie's attention was drawn to them, licking his lips with thirst.

"So I hope you're not jet-lagged, girl." The excitement was practically radiating from her face.

I was a bit exhausted, but she deserved to have a great night. "I'm good. Don't worry."

"Oh, and your aunt is coming." She added, sipping her tea.

"Aunt Monét! Yes, bitch."

It had been a very, very long time since I last saw Monét. She knew how to turn a party. And she was always so glamorous. I remember numerous times as a child asking her to teach me her ways, be my mentor, so I could grow up to look as good as she did.

"So, it's gonna be a long night. Be prepared." Mom said.

"So, it's a party?"

"Not my plan, but knowing Monét, that's how it will turn out. Anyway, I saw pictures from the event last week. You looked great up on that stage, baby. Keep doing me proud."

I gave her a gracious smile as I sipped my tea. A small drop fell onto my lap. Piggie was searching for it, but it had already soaked in. Sorry, Piggie.

"Yeah, I kinda fucked up, though," I said, playing with one of the dog's ears.

"'Fuck’ always has been your favourite word," Mom shook her head, "Go ahead. Tell me, what did you do?"

"So at the after-party, I kinda offered Ed Sheeran to be the first person to go through. Please don't ask me why. The answer is; I was drunk. I don't have a more logical explanation for you right now."

Mom was silent for a moment, her eyes narrowing. "Ed Sheeran? Why him?"

"I told you, I have no idea." I sipped my tea. "I'm just a fucking idiot when I'm drunk."

"So, what now? Is he actually going to do it?"

"Yep. His team got in contact. Everything is set in stone." I was ashamed of the whole Ed Sheeran thing, but now telling this to my Mother, it felt all the more embarrassing.

"Oh, God. This is going in history books, girl." Mom held her forehead in her hand.

"I know," I reciprocated. "Even worse, now they're asking the big questions like 'is the atmosphere safe on the other side?' We're still in the middle of working all that out."

"OK, asides from the Ed Sheeran fuck up," Mom put her hand on mine, "I am extremely proud of how far you've come since you were just a kid."

Uh oh. This wasn't what I wanted.

"And I know you're so busy with this whole thing, but sometimes, I just wish you'd call."

Fuck. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, no. I don't wanna make you feel bad, girl. Like I said, you're a busy lady." She held a hand up.

But still, I felt bad.

"Shit. I was supposed to pick up some lemonade on the way home." Mom stood up, taking her tea with her. She had barely touched it.

"I could go to the store if you want," I suggested, taking a big gulp of tea.

"I mean, if you wanna, go for it. Tina still works there. It would be nice to see her again." Mom continued. She reached in her pocket.

I kissed Piggie on the head before putting him on the ground. "It's OK. I got it." I stood up from the table.

We had a bit of back and forth about who paid. I left before she could even give me her spare change.

Before I walked out the door, Piggie looked sad to see me go. Of course, I was coming back, but he didn't know that. Therefore I felt guilty.

I put my sunglasses on as I walked out the door. It wasn't even sunny out, but I knew I'd probably get stopped by people I used to know to dive deep into conversations about how far I had come. I had things on my mind, so many thoughts circling in my head.

I knew I should have put more effort into staying in contact with Mom. But after years of putting her through hell, I felt a sense of guilt. There were a few times I'd message, and somehow the conversation would take a turn, and she'd bring up a childhood memory.

I was done with my past. I was once a troubled child who eventually grew up to have a better mindset. I didn't want to relay the breakdowns, all of the vases I had smashed.

Then I realised how much of a contradiction that all was as I realised it was all that was on my mind as I walked down the street. So I plugged in my earbuds and drowned out the thoughts with whatever Spotify had to offer.